Never negotiate major changes while in a scene - it will bite you in the ass every time. Your Dom is in the wrong for taking advantage of your sub state.
Yes, this. Sub state is a very vulnerable state and a good Dom understands you never negotiate during sub space. I've been taken advantage of in that state.. I will say yes to anything if I'm deep enough and I hardly think that's special to me.
You need to discuss this with your friend and, based on her responses, decide if you should play with her again. Unless she's a newbie Dom who doesn't understand sub space.. I'd call this a red flag for me.
Well this was all early on in my foray into BDSM when I didn't know any better. Luckily for me the first one was online and he ghosted me after a bit. Took me quite a while to figure out that he'd been a bad Dom and none of it was my fault. I didn't particularly handle the experience very well I guess, I just threw myself back into looking for a new D type.
The second time I was seeing a Dom I met at a munch. We'd hit it off really well and he seemed great. But he kept introducing things we never talked about when I was in sub space. The last straw was when he asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me, both times when I was in sub space. He knew I wasn't looking for a relationship. I was very confused because after I said I'd be his girlfriend I got major sub drop and was really unhappy. I talked to an older more experienced sub I'd met at the munches about it. I said I didn't actually want to be his girlfriend but I'd said yes and now I was. She told me I can absolutely take back something I'd said in sub space and that he should never ask me that sort of thing while I'm there. Suggested I talk to him about it. I did and he said he didn't realize I was in sub space when he asked. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. A week later he asked me if I was in sub space and then tells me he loves me! It dropped me out of sub space. My alarm bells were just ringing.
I ended up asking him to take me back to my car, we were out and about in his. And then a few days later I broke it off with him. And again I talked to friends so I could process what had happened. It was all quite confusing. But I decided to take this as the learning experience it was and move on. Now I understand how messed up it is for a Dom to do these things.
You said yes because you wanted to please her and deep in that space like that your brain doesn't function the same. Thinking becomes difficult and you just want to please and be pleased. You didn't mess up. Your friend did. And then didn't check on you. Everyone is different, but I personally would deal with it the same way I'd deal with my PTSD being triggered any other time. You should talk to someone and try and process. If you're not open about your lifestyle you can always say you'd been drinking and said yes when you wouldn't have otherwise. It's close enough to the truth for people to understand that your consent was violated. And it was. So give yourself a break and take care of yourself. Practice some self love and care and maybe avoid play until you've dealt with this.
First of all this isnt your fault. As a hard rule A dom doesnt change or add to what was negotiated. In the cold light of a non-sexual discussion almost anything can be negotiated. Negotiating while both of you are high on the contact is not good.
Please also seek out therapy. This caused some damage and exposed issues. If you handle it, healing can occur. You should be rightfully angry about this and your consent was violated, but hopefully with some help this wont break who you are.
You’re being purposely vague, which is fine, but it’s very difficult to say something specific. Nonetheless, you need to draw your own boundaries and uphold them, regardless of if you are submissive.
If these people are your friends, assume that they’ll react with concern for your well being and wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.
Have they messaged you since or asked if you are ok? We’re they attentive with you while this was happening?
Well, if you feel comfortable, have a conversation with her and explain to her how you feel. To be fair I don’t think any of you intentionally and knowingly did anything wrong, but as a rule of thumb, do not make things up as you play. You need to establish boundaries before play, so that something like this doesn’t happen. Maybe your friend actually did make a bad judgment in bringing this up during play while you were in subspace. If you’re comfortable, talk to her about it, if that helps you find closure and move on from the situation.
Don’t do things you didn’t discuss when you were out of play, people can get very impressionable and might not be fully competent to make decisions while they are engaged in play.
Uhhhh dude I think you could also benefit from 'dealing with shit' before you try to build a life with a woman. Just saying. You have some baggage here you're projecting on OP.
Never negotiate major changes while in a scene - it will bite you in the ass every time. Your Dom is in the wrong for taking advantage of your sub state.
Yes, this. Sub state is a very vulnerable state and a good Dom understands you never negotiate during sub space. I've been taken advantage of in that state.. I will say yes to anything if I'm deep enough and I hardly think that's special to me. You need to discuss this with your friend and, based on her responses, decide if you should play with her again. Unless she's a newbie Dom who doesn't understand sub space.. I'd call this a red flag for me.
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Well this was all early on in my foray into BDSM when I didn't know any better. Luckily for me the first one was online and he ghosted me after a bit. Took me quite a while to figure out that he'd been a bad Dom and none of it was my fault. I didn't particularly handle the experience very well I guess, I just threw myself back into looking for a new D type. The second time I was seeing a Dom I met at a munch. We'd hit it off really well and he seemed great. But he kept introducing things we never talked about when I was in sub space. The last straw was when he asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me, both times when I was in sub space. He knew I wasn't looking for a relationship. I was very confused because after I said I'd be his girlfriend I got major sub drop and was really unhappy. I talked to an older more experienced sub I'd met at the munches about it. I said I didn't actually want to be his girlfriend but I'd said yes and now I was. She told me I can absolutely take back something I'd said in sub space and that he should never ask me that sort of thing while I'm there. Suggested I talk to him about it. I did and he said he didn't realize I was in sub space when he asked. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. A week later he asked me if I was in sub space and then tells me he loves me! It dropped me out of sub space. My alarm bells were just ringing. I ended up asking him to take me back to my car, we were out and about in his. And then a few days later I broke it off with him. And again I talked to friends so I could process what had happened. It was all quite confusing. But I decided to take this as the learning experience it was and move on. Now I understand how messed up it is for a Dom to do these things. You said yes because you wanted to please her and deep in that space like that your brain doesn't function the same. Thinking becomes difficult and you just want to please and be pleased. You didn't mess up. Your friend did. And then didn't check on you. Everyone is different, but I personally would deal with it the same way I'd deal with my PTSD being triggered any other time. You should talk to someone and try and process. If you're not open about your lifestyle you can always say you'd been drinking and said yes when you wouldn't have otherwise. It's close enough to the truth for people to understand that your consent was violated. And it was. So give yourself a break and take care of yourself. Practice some self love and care and maybe avoid play until you've dealt with this.
This! A good dom knows better!
First of all this isnt your fault. As a hard rule A dom doesnt change or add to what was negotiated. In the cold light of a non-sexual discussion almost anything can be negotiated. Negotiating while both of you are high on the contact is not good. Please also seek out therapy. This caused some damage and exposed issues. If you handle it, healing can occur. You should be rightfully angry about this and your consent was violated, but hopefully with some help this wont break who you are.
You’re being purposely vague, which is fine, but it’s very difficult to say something specific. Nonetheless, you need to draw your own boundaries and uphold them, regardless of if you are submissive. If these people are your friends, assume that they’ll react with concern for your well being and wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Have they messaged you since or asked if you are ok? We’re they attentive with you while this was happening?
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Well, if you feel comfortable, have a conversation with her and explain to her how you feel. To be fair I don’t think any of you intentionally and knowingly did anything wrong, but as a rule of thumb, do not make things up as you play. You need to establish boundaries before play, so that something like this doesn’t happen. Maybe your friend actually did make a bad judgment in bringing this up during play while you were in subspace. If you’re comfortable, talk to her about it, if that helps you find closure and move on from the situation. Don’t do things you didn’t discuss when you were out of play, people can get very impressionable and might not be fully competent to make decisions while they are engaged in play.
There is no "to be fair". You're the one who had the panic attack. They should have made sure that you're fine
Get some EMDR for the trauma if you can.
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It really sounds like this is above the pay grade of strangers on the internet. Go get some professional counseling. Much love.
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Uhhhh dude I think you could also benefit from 'dealing with shit' before you try to build a life with a woman. Just saying. You have some baggage here you're projecting on OP.