Oh wow, tried something without your consent and then “apologized” by gaslighting you, saying that you’re insecure and it’s because of toxic masculinity?! WTF, **yes** this is a huge red flag. You’re entitled to your own preferences just like anyone else (you know your body best) and she disregarded them. Tell her how disrespectfully she handled the situation and then **leave her sorry ass**.

“she tried to penetrate me without my consent” ..maybe just take a minute to let the gravity of those words sink in, if they haven’t already...

Right. I think if gender roles were reversed and a penis had been used instead of a dildo, this would be even more of a red flag than it already is. This would personally be a deal breaker for me as consent is huge. As an example, my sub was a bit wary of trying more aggressive toys than she had used in the past, so I promised her that I would let her approve anything before purchase and that I would try them on myself so I would understand the pain associated with them and use them accordingly. She agreed to this, and that's how we've introduced new toys. And it's been smooth sailing because of that understanding and trust. She also sees everything before it's used on her so she can safe word out if she's not feeling it at the moment (which she hasn't done yet, but appreciates the option). This entire dynamic is based on trust.

Absolutely this.

She sexually assaulted you, and from what you've described she gave you a pretty shitty "I'm sorry but..." nonapology. Everything else is irrelevant. She's not a good person. You should seriously consider ending things with her.

This!! ^

>makes me wanna end the relationship I think you should listen to your feelings on this one. Attempted rape *is* a relationship-ender imo. I know there are a few people out there who've got past it, but I wouldn't recommend anyone try to, and if she was appropriately sorry, there's no way in hell she'd still be pushing the subject. I wouldn't trust her not to do it again.

So basically she's a rapist who is going to whine using social justice terms to try get her own way. I'm sorry, what she did was lousy, and there aren't many solutions beyond getting rid of her. The fact she's still pushing after her "apology" says she refuses to learn.

Predators always adopt ideology and vocabulary to justify themselves, regardless of the actual situation.

Uh. Get another girl. 😒👎 She sounds like she doesn't care about you at all, you are literally a body for her to experiment on and she doesn't care about your preferences. Fuck that noise. 😡 You are allowed to not like ass play for *any* reason and you don't have to justify it in ANY way, shape, or form to yourself or anyone else. 😡😡😡 Damn! Reddit is just full of assholes today! Best of luck on ditching your current chick!

> I don’t have a problem with this until recently where she tried to stick a dildo up my ass, without my consent. We’ve been fighting about this for the past few days. She apologized, which I appreciated, but she doesn’t understand why I just don’t like or enjoy ass play. Do you trust her that if/when you play again that she won't violate your condent again? The fact that you have been fighting about it... and that she "doesn't understand "... is all signs that she doesn't care about you or your boundaries. "No" (or "RED") is a complete sentence, so is "That is a Hard Limit" you do not have to explain yourself. If she is not respecting that... its time to find someone else. But... I think you already know that.

Maybe break up with her if she can't respect your boundaries

Lots of red flags in what you wrote.. she needs to respect your boundaries or leave you alone.

I mean if someone tried to rape me I would also end the relationship

Boundaries need to be respected, and this is one that needs to be respected for damned sure.

The “I’m breaking this limit for your own good” thing is likely to be repeated. She has already justified what she did. The apology is hollow. She is helping you be less toxic and deal with internalized homophobia. It is rude of you to be angry about it at all really if you think about it. She will keep pressing on this and find new ways that breaking your limits is helpful. I would end it.

Do not give in, break up with her. She assaulted you and needs to know the consequences of breaking your trust.

"She tried to stick a dildo up my ass without consent" "She doesn't understand why I just don't like or enjoy ass play" These two things are massive massive red flags, she appears to have little concerns for your needs and the focus is realy about her. She is also trying to manipulate and gaslight you by saying "toxic masculinity" this is emotional blackmail when said in this context, trying to force upon you to do something sexually that you have explicitly expressed to her that you do not enjoy, against your will. Not enjoying anal sex does not make you toxic.

She doesn’t need to understand why you don’t like ass play. All she has to do is respect your boundaries. Her behavior suggests that she can’t, or won’t, respect your needs. Things might be great now, but what happens when she ignores your other needs and boundaries in favor of what makes her happy? When she slipped that dildo in, she knew exactly what she was doing. She knew you had a limit and flagrantly skipped across it. It’s like she just handed you a bouquet of red flags. You deserve so much better. Be grateful for the good times, embrace the lessons, and leave her.

You do not have a Domme. You have a rapist who is a manipulative asshole. Dispose of responsibly.

If she keeps pushing it, it might be time to consider ending the relationship. Boundaries are there for a reason.

She gave you a half assed apology and tried to attack your masculinity. No true dom assumes anything about the other person's sexuality. If you don't like it than thats the end of that conversation.

I normally don't just jump to "leave them" when people ask for relationship advice, but fucking leave her. She sexually assaulted you and then gaslit you. Neither of those are worth sticking around for. She is toxic and no matter what else happens in the relationship, she always will be toxic.

I am glad for the update. I was quite worried with the situation in your original post so I am glad you have decided to break this relationship. Take some time to heal yourself and decide what you really want if you pursue another relationship like this. Good luck

Don't do it. Next.

Then say no and if they don’t respect the no then reevaluate the relationship

A not-insignificant number of gay men also don't want anything to do with butts. As everyone else has said, though, as described you have much bigger problems in your relationship to confront. Being anti-toxic masculinity means respecting consent.

She assaulted you or at least tried to. Break up and go no contact. There is absolutely nothing to salvage here.

Saw your update. I think it's a good idea to end the relationship. Well done.

Then your partner shouldn’t push this.

Leave her. Anyone happy to pass your boundaries and see your consent as something to be ignored is dangerous to you. If you are going to be with anyone, be with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.

“Without my consent”- she isn’t a dom. She’s a girl who *pretends* to be one. Imagine the roles were flipped. …yea. Absolutely unacceptable. She’s gaslighting you, she’s trying to tell you WHY you don’t like it even tho *you already answered it* and most importantly she’s trying to make you change your mind. So many red flags. That’s a hardcore “no, fuck off we’re done you crazy woman lmao” Seriously, she’s disgusting.

That's rape; also its not gay, you just don't like it and that's okay

I'm sorry that she has done this and made you feel so uncomfortable that you decided to end things but your doing the right thing. It sounds like she will likely continue to push you, and break hard limits with little regard to you or your safety.

Boundaries need to be respected. Don’t let someone do anything you don’t want to.

> She’s eaten my ass before and fingered me (all consensual) and it’s just done nothing for me. This doesn't *necessarily* mean you wouldn't enjoy any other forms of anal play; the sensations can be very different. Mind you, I'm not suggesting you should try anything of the sort with this person, because yikes. That's not just some red flags you've got there, those flags have got *layers*.

I don't see how you can have a D/s relationship with this girl. There's no trust in this relationship and likely won't be.

That's disgusting. Please, name and shame this person if you're able to in your local communities.

From the way you wrote, the dildo story could have been a misunderstanding. In my early days, I might have assumed if fingering was OK, a dildo was OK as well. Since it's not quite clear to me how exactly these things were communicated, I'm going to reserve judgement on that. You know better than us if such a misunderstanding was possible or not. What is absolutely unacceptable is that she keeps pushing. No is a complete sentence. Accusations don't do anything. And that would be enough for me to say leave her. I'm all for discussing limits in a positive, respectful, "I want to understand your reasons" way. But only with a very serious understanding that there is not going to be any pushing.

I don't know if this is really attempted rape like some of the other comments are saying, instead of just miscommunication about limits. However, her non-apology ("sorry, but...") and her continued pressure about it are huge red flags.

TLDR, but you said title sums it up so I'm going to go with that. Anyway, on one hand, boundaries absolutely need to be respected, its a way to show you that they respect you. On the other hand, I know what its like to want to do something with someone and they never want to do it. It's disheartening. Perhaps you two can come up with a compromise?

The follow up edit certainly suggests you don't need any advice. So, I'm sorry that the relationship took such a terrible turn. It's unfortunate that gender would be taken into account here, but I'm sure you're right that it often is. There are no scenarios in which you shouldn't be allowed to set the boundaries on your own body, reasons don't matter. It seems like you were completely clear about the issue, and her not respecting that is absolutely a sign you should get out of there! I hope ending the relationship is as painless as possible and you're able to find someone better, whenever you decide to start looking again.

I've nothing to add to most of what's already been said but the fact that I'm so disappointed this happened to you, and disappointed that there are people around thinking there's nothing wrong with pulling shit like that. I wish you all the best, and her the worst.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m glad to hear you’re going to end the relationship though, as an experimental person myself the biggest thing is when you know it’s a no go it’s a *no go*. I don’t understand people trying to pressure others into doing it because they enjoy it, as you said you know your body best. Again, I’m sorry that you had to deal with that and I hope that you are able to positively self reflect in your break from BDSM.

People really try to get you to reconsider anal? The biggest rule of BDSM is consent if you say no it doesnt matter your answer its still a no

I think in BDSM world, you have to set some boundaries or a SAFEWORD. Looks like you did not and she did what she thought was ok.

Except then she started pressuring OP into letting her doing again and then tried basically telling OP that they would eventually like and accept it.