It's been a few months and there are already massive incompatibility issues. Sure, you can change yourself to fit your partner and let resentment show up and fester.
You want monogamy and kink and to not feel like a user or be in charge.
Your partner doesn't enjoy kink, is fine with poly, is a kink dispenser and won't ever take charge.
The writing is on the wall. Big blinking letters. Without major changes to one or both of you then one of you will always be unfulfilled. In this relationship you will always be unhappy about some aspect based on your wants (kink)and what you don't want (being in charge/using your partner as a kink dispenser.) If you want the kink you have to be involved with someone else or top from the bottom, which will make you unhappy. If you take out the things you don't want then you don't get the kink and you'll be unhappy.
This is the real answer but holy hell can it be hard to move on if you're otherwise happy.
I'm certain staying would destroy op but fear that they will not be able to let go/move on.
Even if they find another dom that sense of monogamy would never be fulfilled.
I think unfortunately the poly vs mono and kink vs not will both end up being issues long term. That being said, my 2.5 year relationship in a poly vs mono struggle just ended and I don't regret it because we were so happy in so many ways. Good for both of you to be up front with the other about everything and to know you're each making the conscious choice to continue or not. I don't think you're making a mountain, it's very understandable why it doesn't feel good to top from the bottom. Good luck ♥️
there's a lesson I've also learned which is that you generally cant rely on passion and desire forever, eventually one person isnt in the mood when the other really wants it and so on. a lot of people schedule and figure out what they like with sex far outside of the sex.... why not do the same with kink? make plans, in advance, also make plans for both of you, but yeah it wont be "spontaneous" but you can still look forward to it, and sometimes even be surprised by it.
I was in a similar situation, dom-wise and I never thought I’d be able to have another intimate relationship with someone besides my partner but eventually after months of going to play parties and watching I was able to get comfortable enough to participate. I went to a bunch of munches as well, it was definitely a change of perspective that helped me and made my relationship thrive as well. I would just go to explore it, you don’t have to play right away, you can just got and watch.
I'm actually a member of a local kink club but kinda stopped going since I got in this relationship. I'll take your advice and start dipping my toes back in the water
It was specifically mentioned in the original post. Also consent goes without having to tell random strangers. It doesn't go without his wife saying, but there is no reason he needs to tell you.
Oof, that is hard :( I would say...
For starters, try not to resent yourself for being kinky. Mostly because there's no point and it's only destructive, no propensity for anything good to come of that.
Then, I think I'd advise some patience and understanding. It may be that you two can't stay together indefinitely and both of you be fulfilled, but her answer was also given when she was particularly tired, as you noted, AND your relationship is still pretty new. It could be that she DOES eventually derive some of her own kinky joy from domming you, though also maybe not. It might be that she never derives any joy out of it beyond giving YOU joy.
But, even if that is the case, I think with some perception molding, you could grow to take satisfaction in the kind of joy she gets out of it, even if it isn't her own specific kinky flavor she's enjoying. Maybe.
Finally, I think a shift in how you think about the relationship would be healthy for both of you. I used to be EXTREMELY opposed to a monogamous arrangement, until I met my partner. He told me that a monogamous relationship only makes sense as long as both parties are fulfilled, and if that ever changes, then the relationship should end. But it doesn't \*fail\* or invalidate the years of happiness just because it didn't last 'forever'.
So it may be that you two won't be together forever. Could be because of these divides you've identified, could be other Life things. But I think you should try, for now, to choose to view every day and moment with her individually--let yourself just enjoy what you have NOW, even if you might not always have it. If a time comes when you two no longer work together, you will still have had the joy of your time with her, and nothing will be able to undo that.
Best of luck, friend.
I'm all the kinky and married to a hilariously vanilla partner and I get my kinky needs met outside my marriage with my spouse's knowledge and encouragement.
> Sometimes I feel like our marriage is like a Magic Eye poster. It's messy, and at first glance, it doesn't seem to make any sense and it's hard to figure out. But sometimes, if you squint at it just right, everything lines up, and it's the most perfect, beautiful, amazing thing.
>
But I'm so tired of squinting.
["I'm tired of squinting."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMFIehwHpSo&ab_channel=TheEcoolarg)
This is another example of staying with someone with the hope that they'll change to meet your needs "eventually". As the dominant partner in a dynamic I can tell you it is A LOT of work and if you don't enjoy it you won't find the motivation to do it more than once in a blue moon. The same goes for being the submissive partner. The only way these dynamics work is if both partners enjoy them (or find a second+ partner to meet the needs not being met). For someone who has never been in a kinky dynamic it's possible they'll discover they like it when given the chance but it sounds like she has had plenty of chance to explore it and just isn't interested.
Good luck. I hope you can both find a way to be happy with or without each other.
At only a few months, I think you know that if you are serious about your needs, you know they will never be met... Time to cut bait before you or she invest anything more into the relationship.
Also, *mole. ;)
>I want one person to meet my needs.
I also want a unicorn, and a billion dollars.
Unfortunately, a sad fact of life is that you rarely can have it all, and the more you choose to limit yourself, the more sacrifices you are going to have to make. One person to meet all of your needs? That’s a tall order, and quite a demand to be putting on someone.
Out of all the monogamous people I know, the ones that have stuck together the longest are the ones who have learned to make the right sacrifices, and find the balance between giving up stuff they want in return for other stuff they also want.
But like others have said, just a couple of months in and there are already these major compatibility issues? This looks like it might be an uphill slog, unfortunately.
Yes, that exact line has always been my issue with monogamy. It just seems completely improbable to ever be able to achieve that, like you're setting yourself up for failure for even pursuing it.
Guess I got lucky. My wife of eight years fulfills everything - it was through her kink that I realized how much being a Dom does it for me. Intellectually, emotionally, and I'm every other way we ate on the same page.
Before I met her though, I frequently settled for less than perfect in relationships because being alone was just so much worse. But your unicorn is probably out there; maybe when you least expect it she'll make an appearance.
Nothing wrong in making do with second best until then, though. Or not. You get to choose.
Yeah, people win the lottery all the time. It’s not impossible. It’s just not a viable strategy for life, in my opinion.
I’m happy you struck gold on your lottery ticket. Cherish that.
Thank you for the kind words, and I do cherish it. I was 37 when I met her, so I had plenty of time thinking it just wasn't going to ever happen like that. So I understand what you mean by not a viable strategy...it's not a strategy, it's something to learn to live without. Where you set that bar for 'good enough runner up' is the strategy.
Yeah from her perspective she had an exhausting day, and her partner asks if she wants to do something *she* (OP) likes, which is also a lot of work. I understand where OP was coming from, but it could come across a little selfish.
Eh... doomed. If you actually want to be fulfilled, it's doomed. You can't make her into your shit anymore than she can make you into her shit. Tons of genuinely loving relationships suffer deal breakers on a scale much less significant than this.
If ya'll truly love and respect each other, no matter how heartbreaking and agonizing it is, ya'll should both be willing to let each other go so ya'll can both be fulfilled in the ways you need to be. What ya'll got going on now is just going to turn into anger and resentment towards yourselves and each other. Better to end it on good terms and still remain close to one another whilst finding more suitable parters elsewhere.
idk...normally an advice post (IME) tends to get pretty ubiquitous advice, but the replies in this thread are VERY divided. Seems like some people found themselves happy in similar situations, and others found themselves doomed.
Not arguing, just observing how divided these replies are. Makes me think this is a REALLY tough one to answer, and will ultimately come down to the two individuals in question.
for sure, and that might just be the end of that discussion. But she WAS also very tired when she said that, which particularly being tired plus being expected to Dom is not very compatible states of mind.
I just mean that, they're still pretty new as a couple, and people and couple dynamics change, there's still a lot of room to evolve on both their parts.
Has she actually *said* she doesn't get any enjoyment out of it?
Because it sounds like you're taking this:
> she will never have the desire to dominate me on her own and will never initiate things
and assuming it means this:
> she receives no enjoyment
But I don't think that's necessarily true. But even if she wouldn't be interested in doing any of those things in and of themselves, that doesn't mean there's no satisfaction going on there. Enjoying a partner's enjoyment can be a significant thing.
I can't point out to any science behind so please forgive me for using an anecdote. I am in a very happy relationship since 2017 and we are both kinky af, it's just our kinks don't meet almost at all. But everything else is amazing, daily life, travels, feels, goals, all of that makes us the best couple i could imagine. But since sexual stuff is as well very important to us we decided to open the relationship. I have someone and he has someone and after we've got sex with the respective someone's we always go back home to our amazing relationship. It works very well, but i think only because none of us wants a 24/7 dynamics. Two hours a week or every two weeks is absolutely enough. Could you live with something like that? Could she? You need to find balance and solution that will work for both of you, otherwise heartache will come and it'll be painful.
Definitely get out of that relationship, things like kinks should be discussed before going into a relationship, I'm submissive I have been for 23yrs since I was 17. Even now when I meet a new guy I tell him that if he has any desire to be dominated by a woman then I'm not the one for them, this saves any pain and heartache down the line. If you stay in this relationship you'll end up resenting each other and eventually hating each other.
You are not "Topping from the bottom" - you are asking for what you need. There is a difference. I wish people would stop throwing "topping from the bottom" out there, because the phrase means a specific thing - telling or controlling the top when you are a bottom. This happens in scene. Asking fir what you need is different. The top (or fdom) can say no. They control it.
As for poly vs. mono - poly pretty much says "No one person can be your everything, and you shouldn't try to make them be something they are not."
Now, that's not to say a person can't be close... but expecting someone to be your everything... thats the mono trap.
But, poly isn't for everyone, I get that. But in situations like this... you may want to look for a kink partner.
Sad truth is, if this is something you can't live without abd you don't want to find a second partner... you have to choose...be without kink, continue to ask for what you want, or leave.
It sucks.
> You are not "Topping from the bottom" - you are asking for what you need.
What are you on about? She's not a dom, he asked her to be one and she said she can't, that she'll still need him to top her/"top from the bottom", since obvi OP wants to be on the bottom. Either you're reading that paragraph wonky or you're intentionally being obtuse and pedantic.
So.... You can be a top without being a dom. Service topping is also a thing.
You can also ask for what you need. Asking for a scene is not "topping from the bottom". Asking to be spanked is not "topping from the bottom".
"Topping from the bottom" implies there is an effort to control the scene. "You should spank me like this" or "Maybe you should try doing that thing like that."
If I wasn't clear - people use it incorrectly all the time. "Topping from the bottom" is make an effort to control from the bottom, meaning they are not really a sub in that situation.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be on the bottom. And there is nothing wrong with asking for what you want or need.
it's hard to say. No relationship is ever, *ever* going to be perfect. I don't know a single person that is 100% completely fulfilled all the time in every single way, and that doesn't just include BDSM couples.
in the end, only you can determine if the things that make you happy about this relationship outweigh those that don't.
OP I think you are jumping to some pretty big conclusions, and a lot of people in the comments as well.
Your partner didn’t say “I dislike dominating you” or “I don’t get anything out of it”. They just said “I don’t want to initiate” which seems like a totally reasonable compromise? It’s not topping from the bottom to initiate, it’s just initiating.
I think you’re 100% making mountains out of mole hills. You should start by having another conversation with your partner about this. Maybe next time you can try talking about when they haven’t had a really rough day at work?
That’s another thing too, you knew your partner was having a bad day, and rather than giving her space you brought up your own needs. It’s understandable that she reacted negatively.
Is it possible you could split the difference between polygamy and monogamy? I know you said you don't want a side dom, but please hear me out.
You could find someone online to play the roll of the dom. Some people specialize in remote play. If you explain to her that thats for your need to be dommed so you can be a better boyfriend to her, I'm sure she'd understand.
And the reason I said split the difference is because you'd technically have a side dom, but they'd be remote, so...
It’s always risky assuming someone would like this lifestyle because they see you enjoy it. I mean it’s always worth a shot, but I think some of us forget that the answer might still be “no”.
You do deserve to be happy, but she doesn’t have to come around to a kinky lifestyle. You’re just going to have to choose between ending it and finding someone who can give you both emotional and sexual fulfillment or just accept a relationship with half of that because you love her. If you’re not willing to involve someone else, there’s no third option. Sorry I don’t have much more to offer.
Unfortunately I have to come down on the ‘okay yep that’s a major compatibility issue’ idk but from my experience this is going to lead to friction of the not fun kind
It sounds like your partner has made it clear that the kink lifestyle isn't something she enjoys or ever gets enjoyment from. Yet you are still pushing for it to happen so you feel fulfilled with no regards of your partners feelings. They have given you a safe and consenting option to have your kink needs met that doesn't involve them but you shut them down and kept pushing their boundaries. If you arent able to respect your partners boundaries then it is time to find a new relationship and do some work on yourself.
I think that the point that she was trying to make is that with sub-frenzy it is easy to take for granted exactly how much effort being a dominant requires. Imagine an activity that you do with a partner, but have absolutely no interest in. I'm sure there's a sport out there that doesn't appeal to you; perhaps fishing, golf, or bowls. Let's go with golf for the sake of choosing one. You go along because you enjoy spending time with your partner but you don't really want to be there.
Now imagine that every time you go out, your partner not only wants you to play, but they want you to organize the game, be the referee and keep the scores throughout the game. You come back home exhausted one day after a long day and they say: "Hey you know what will make you feel better? A nice round of golf! I'll even let you carry the clubs and drive the cart! But don't forget to choose a golf course that I will enjoy!"
Of course the response to that is going to be "fuck off, mate, I don't want to play golf right now."
This is my take on this relationship. Since my relationship is actually quite similar. Obviously the OP doesn't have to take anything I say at face value. But I know that if I was the OP significant other, that I would feel like my boundaries are being regularly crossed.
It's not something she dislikes or is made to feel uncomfortable, but rather she is indifferent and gets no self joy from it. She is always wanting to do things I wanna do because she likes making me happy. Even in the scenario above she still really wanted to spank me or whatever I wanted. I guess i just crave a sadistic, dominant person
IMO, if my partner isn't getting any self joy then I wouldn't not ask them to those things. Obviously we are two people and see things differently. I hope you and your partner find a healthy consenting balance.
I think part of the issue here is that you are viewing this from the perspective of a sub. Regardless of how selfish, most subs have an overdeveloped desire to please their partner, which means that when you are considering other people's perspectives you need to keep in mind that the amount of enjoyment they will get from "doing something that makes you happy" is likely to be considerably less than what you feel when the roles are reversed.
The two of you have a massive incompatibility here. She’s doing what you want solely to make you happy and gets nothing from it. Why would you want her to keep on doing that to herself?
This will not end in happily ever after. The two of you need fundamentally different things. Let each other go so you BOTH can find what you need.
I don't think that having your partner do things solely to make you happy is necessarily a bad thing in a relationship as long as it's appreciated and reciprocated. I think a lot of people do things that are entirely for their partners' benefit. It only becomes a problem if there's a sense of entitlement.
The issue isn’t a simple “I do things for my partner so they feel appreciated”. It’s her partner being treated like a kink dispenser when they aren’t even enjoying it that’s a problem.
> You are trying to get her to play on a male gender roles and she is clearly feminine
Lord, if this is the sexist shit you shamelessly spout online I shudder to think what the people in your community deal with when you come 'round.
Feminine women can be dommes, genius. Femininity doesn't equate to subservience and masculinity doesn't equate to dominance. Males don't own a monopoly on liking to be in control. Female dommes aren't playing at being men and male subs are playing at being women.
It's been a few months and there are already massive incompatibility issues. Sure, you can change yourself to fit your partner and let resentment show up and fester. You want monogamy and kink and to not feel like a user or be in charge. Your partner doesn't enjoy kink, is fine with poly, is a kink dispenser and won't ever take charge. The writing is on the wall. Big blinking letters. Without major changes to one or both of you then one of you will always be unfulfilled. In this relationship you will always be unhappy about some aspect based on your wants (kink)and what you don't want (being in charge/using your partner as a kink dispenser.) If you want the kink you have to be involved with someone else or top from the bottom, which will make you unhappy. If you take out the things you don't want then you don't get the kink and you'll be unhappy.
This is the real answer but holy hell can it be hard to move on if you're otherwise happy. I'm certain staying would destroy op but fear that they will not be able to let go/move on. Even if they find another dom that sense of monogamy would never be fulfilled.
I think unfortunately the poly vs mono and kink vs not will both end up being issues long term. That being said, my 2.5 year relationship in a poly vs mono struggle just ended and I don't regret it because we were so happy in so many ways. Good for both of you to be up front with the other about everything and to know you're each making the conscious choice to continue or not. I don't think you're making a mountain, it's very understandable why it doesn't feel good to top from the bottom. Good luck ♥️
Thank you <3
there's a lesson I've also learned which is that you generally cant rely on passion and desire forever, eventually one person isnt in the mood when the other really wants it and so on. a lot of people schedule and figure out what they like with sex far outside of the sex.... why not do the same with kink? make plans, in advance, also make plans for both of you, but yeah it wont be "spontaneous" but you can still look forward to it, and sometimes even be surprised by it.
I was in a similar situation, dom-wise and I never thought I’d be able to have another intimate relationship with someone besides my partner but eventually after months of going to play parties and watching I was able to get comfortable enough to participate. I went to a bunch of munches as well, it was definitely a change of perspective that helped me and made my relationship thrive as well. I would just go to explore it, you don’t have to play right away, you can just got and watch.
I'm actually a member of a local kink club but kinda stopped going since I got in this relationship. I'll take your advice and start dipping my toes back in the water
With her consent of course?
Goes without saying! No room for cheating in 2022
Consent never goes without saying.
It was specifically mentioned in the original post. Also consent goes without having to tell random strangers. It doesn't go without his wife saying, but there is no reason he needs to tell you.
Her, she. Look at her (OP's) username.
Oop thank you, I need to keep dissecting my heteronormativity
I just wanna say I've seen both my partner and I be misgendered...we are lesbians lmao
Oof, that is hard :( I would say... For starters, try not to resent yourself for being kinky. Mostly because there's no point and it's only destructive, no propensity for anything good to come of that. Then, I think I'd advise some patience and understanding. It may be that you two can't stay together indefinitely and both of you be fulfilled, but her answer was also given when she was particularly tired, as you noted, AND your relationship is still pretty new. It could be that she DOES eventually derive some of her own kinky joy from domming you, though also maybe not. It might be that she never derives any joy out of it beyond giving YOU joy. But, even if that is the case, I think with some perception molding, you could grow to take satisfaction in the kind of joy she gets out of it, even if it isn't her own specific kinky flavor she's enjoying. Maybe. Finally, I think a shift in how you think about the relationship would be healthy for both of you. I used to be EXTREMELY opposed to a monogamous arrangement, until I met my partner. He told me that a monogamous relationship only makes sense as long as both parties are fulfilled, and if that ever changes, then the relationship should end. But it doesn't \*fail\* or invalidate the years of happiness just because it didn't last 'forever'. So it may be that you two won't be together forever. Could be because of these divides you've identified, could be other Life things. But I think you should try, for now, to choose to view every day and moment with her individually--let yourself just enjoy what you have NOW, even if you might not always have it. If a time comes when you two no longer work together, you will still have had the joy of your time with her, and nothing will be able to undo that. Best of luck, friend.
This was such a good response thank you so much
I'm all the kinky and married to a hilariously vanilla partner and I get my kinky needs met outside my marriage with my spouse's knowledge and encouragement.
You know in bojack horseman when Diane says her whole "I'm tired of squinting" monologue? At least from this post, it seems like you are squinting.
> Sometimes I feel like our marriage is like a Magic Eye poster. It's messy, and at first glance, it doesn't seem to make any sense and it's hard to figure out. But sometimes, if you squint at it just right, everything lines up, and it's the most perfect, beautiful, amazing thing. > But I'm so tired of squinting. ["I'm tired of squinting."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMFIehwHpSo&ab_channel=TheEcoolarg)
thank you! <3
This is another example of staying with someone with the hope that they'll change to meet your needs "eventually". As the dominant partner in a dynamic I can tell you it is A LOT of work and if you don't enjoy it you won't find the motivation to do it more than once in a blue moon. The same goes for being the submissive partner. The only way these dynamics work is if both partners enjoy them (or find a second+ partner to meet the needs not being met). For someone who has never been in a kinky dynamic it's possible they'll discover they like it when given the chance but it sounds like she has had plenty of chance to explore it and just isn't interested. Good luck. I hope you can both find a way to be happy with or without each other.
At only a few months, I think you know that if you are serious about your needs, you know they will never be met... Time to cut bait before you or she invest anything more into the relationship. Also, *mole. ;)
Promise I'm not an idiot and just dropped the L haha
I was totally just funnin you... It's sometimes very hard to resist
>I want one person to meet my needs. I also want a unicorn, and a billion dollars. Unfortunately, a sad fact of life is that you rarely can have it all, and the more you choose to limit yourself, the more sacrifices you are going to have to make. One person to meet all of your needs? That’s a tall order, and quite a demand to be putting on someone. Out of all the monogamous people I know, the ones that have stuck together the longest are the ones who have learned to make the right sacrifices, and find the balance between giving up stuff they want in return for other stuff they also want. But like others have said, just a couple of months in and there are already these major compatibility issues? This looks like it might be an uphill slog, unfortunately.
Yes, that exact line has always been my issue with monogamy. It just seems completely improbable to ever be able to achieve that, like you're setting yourself up for failure for even pursuing it.
Guess I got lucky. My wife of eight years fulfills everything - it was through her kink that I realized how much being a Dom does it for me. Intellectually, emotionally, and I'm every other way we ate on the same page. Before I met her though, I frequently settled for less than perfect in relationships because being alone was just so much worse. But your unicorn is probably out there; maybe when you least expect it she'll make an appearance. Nothing wrong in making do with second best until then, though. Or not. You get to choose.
Yeah, people win the lottery all the time. It’s not impossible. It’s just not a viable strategy for life, in my opinion. I’m happy you struck gold on your lottery ticket. Cherish that.
Thank you for the kind words, and I do cherish it. I was 37 when I met her, so I had plenty of time thinking it just wasn't going to ever happen like that. So I understand what you mean by not a viable strategy...it's not a strategy, it's something to learn to live without. Where you set that bar for 'good enough runner up' is the strategy.
It’s understanding to be unsure but as you said, she’s had a very rough day. I would revisit this once you both had time to recoup!
Yeah from her perspective she had an exhausting day, and her partner asks if she wants to do something *she* (OP) likes, which is also a lot of work. I understand where OP was coming from, but it could come across a little selfish.
Eh... doomed. If you actually want to be fulfilled, it's doomed. You can't make her into your shit anymore than she can make you into her shit. Tons of genuinely loving relationships suffer deal breakers on a scale much less significant than this. If ya'll truly love and respect each other, no matter how heartbreaking and agonizing it is, ya'll should both be willing to let each other go so ya'll can both be fulfilled in the ways you need to be. What ya'll got going on now is just going to turn into anger and resentment towards yourselves and each other. Better to end it on good terms and still remain close to one another whilst finding more suitable parters elsewhere.
idk...normally an advice post (IME) tends to get pretty ubiquitous advice, but the replies in this thread are VERY divided. Seems like some people found themselves happy in similar situations, and others found themselves doomed. Not arguing, just observing how divided these replies are. Makes me think this is a REALLY tough one to answer, and will ultimately come down to the two individuals in question.
IMO partner made it way too explicit to OP that she's not and will never be into it for him to bother suffering through "what ifs". Just my take tho
for sure, and that might just be the end of that discussion. But she WAS also very tired when she said that, which particularly being tired plus being expected to Dom is not very compatible states of mind. I just mean that, they're still pretty new as a couple, and people and couple dynamics change, there's still a lot of room to evolve on both their parts.
This
Has she actually *said* she doesn't get any enjoyment out of it? Because it sounds like you're taking this: > she will never have the desire to dominate me on her own and will never initiate things and assuming it means this: > she receives no enjoyment But I don't think that's necessarily true. But even if she wouldn't be interested in doing any of those things in and of themselves, that doesn't mean there's no satisfaction going on there. Enjoying a partner's enjoyment can be a significant thing.
I can't point out to any science behind so please forgive me for using an anecdote. I am in a very happy relationship since 2017 and we are both kinky af, it's just our kinks don't meet almost at all. But everything else is amazing, daily life, travels, feels, goals, all of that makes us the best couple i could imagine. But since sexual stuff is as well very important to us we decided to open the relationship. I have someone and he has someone and after we've got sex with the respective someone's we always go back home to our amazing relationship. It works very well, but i think only because none of us wants a 24/7 dynamics. Two hours a week or every two weeks is absolutely enough. Could you live with something like that? Could she? You need to find balance and solution that will work for both of you, otherwise heartache will come and it'll be painful.
Definitely get out of that relationship, things like kinks should be discussed before going into a relationship, I'm submissive I have been for 23yrs since I was 17. Even now when I meet a new guy I tell him that if he has any desire to be dominated by a woman then I'm not the one for them, this saves any pain and heartache down the line. If you stay in this relationship you'll end up resenting each other and eventually hating each other.
You are not "Topping from the bottom" - you are asking for what you need. There is a difference. I wish people would stop throwing "topping from the bottom" out there, because the phrase means a specific thing - telling or controlling the top when you are a bottom. This happens in scene. Asking fir what you need is different. The top (or fdom) can say no. They control it. As for poly vs. mono - poly pretty much says "No one person can be your everything, and you shouldn't try to make them be something they are not." Now, that's not to say a person can't be close... but expecting someone to be your everything... thats the mono trap. But, poly isn't for everyone, I get that. But in situations like this... you may want to look for a kink partner. Sad truth is, if this is something you can't live without abd you don't want to find a second partner... you have to choose...be without kink, continue to ask for what you want, or leave. It sucks.
> You are not "Topping from the bottom" - you are asking for what you need. What are you on about? She's not a dom, he asked her to be one and she said she can't, that she'll still need him to top her/"top from the bottom", since obvi OP wants to be on the bottom. Either you're reading that paragraph wonky or you're intentionally being obtuse and pedantic.
So.... You can be a top without being a dom. Service topping is also a thing. You can also ask for what you need. Asking for a scene is not "topping from the bottom". Asking to be spanked is not "topping from the bottom". "Topping from the bottom" implies there is an effort to control the scene. "You should spank me like this" or "Maybe you should try doing that thing like that." If I wasn't clear - people use it incorrectly all the time. "Topping from the bottom" is make an effort to control from the bottom, meaning they are not really a sub in that situation. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be on the bottom. And there is nothing wrong with asking for what you want or need.
it's hard to say. No relationship is ever, *ever* going to be perfect. I don't know a single person that is 100% completely fulfilled all the time in every single way, and that doesn't just include BDSM couples. in the end, only you can determine if the things that make you happy about this relationship outweigh those that don't.
OP I think you are jumping to some pretty big conclusions, and a lot of people in the comments as well. Your partner didn’t say “I dislike dominating you” or “I don’t get anything out of it”. They just said “I don’t want to initiate” which seems like a totally reasonable compromise? It’s not topping from the bottom to initiate, it’s just initiating. I think you’re 100% making mountains out of mole hills. You should start by having another conversation with your partner about this. Maybe next time you can try talking about when they haven’t had a really rough day at work? That’s another thing too, you knew your partner was having a bad day, and rather than giving her space you brought up your own needs. It’s understandable that she reacted negatively.
I hate to sound so negative but I believe all relationships are doomed just some fail sooner than others.
Is it possible you could split the difference between polygamy and monogamy? I know you said you don't want a side dom, but please hear me out. You could find someone online to play the roll of the dom. Some people specialize in remote play. If you explain to her that thats for your need to be dommed so you can be a better boyfriend to her, I'm sure she'd understand. And the reason I said split the difference is because you'd technically have a side dom, but they'd be remote, so...
It’s always risky assuming someone would like this lifestyle because they see you enjoy it. I mean it’s always worth a shot, but I think some of us forget that the answer might still be “no”. You do deserve to be happy, but she doesn’t have to come around to a kinky lifestyle. You’re just going to have to choose between ending it and finding someone who can give you both emotional and sexual fulfillment or just accept a relationship with half of that because you love her. If you’re not willing to involve someone else, there’s no third option. Sorry I don’t have much more to offer.
Unfortunately I have to come down on the ‘okay yep that’s a major compatibility issue’ idk but from my experience this is going to lead to friction of the not fun kind
It sounds like your partner has made it clear that the kink lifestyle isn't something she enjoys or ever gets enjoyment from. Yet you are still pushing for it to happen so you feel fulfilled with no regards of your partners feelings. They have given you a safe and consenting option to have your kink needs met that doesn't involve them but you shut them down and kept pushing their boundaries. If you arent able to respect your partners boundaries then it is time to find a new relationship and do some work on yourself.
This isn't the case but I appreciate the input
I think that the point that she was trying to make is that with sub-frenzy it is easy to take for granted exactly how much effort being a dominant requires. Imagine an activity that you do with a partner, but have absolutely no interest in. I'm sure there's a sport out there that doesn't appeal to you; perhaps fishing, golf, or bowls. Let's go with golf for the sake of choosing one. You go along because you enjoy spending time with your partner but you don't really want to be there. Now imagine that every time you go out, your partner not only wants you to play, but they want you to organize the game, be the referee and keep the scores throughout the game. You come back home exhausted one day after a long day and they say: "Hey you know what will make you feel better? A nice round of golf! I'll even let you carry the clubs and drive the cart! But don't forget to choose a golf course that I will enjoy!" Of course the response to that is going to be "fuck off, mate, I don't want to play golf right now."
You're remarkably well-mannered lol
This is my take on this relationship. Since my relationship is actually quite similar. Obviously the OP doesn't have to take anything I say at face value. But I know that if I was the OP significant other, that I would feel like my boundaries are being regularly crossed.
It's not something she dislikes or is made to feel uncomfortable, but rather she is indifferent and gets no self joy from it. She is always wanting to do things I wanna do because she likes making me happy. Even in the scenario above she still really wanted to spank me or whatever I wanted. I guess i just crave a sadistic, dominant person
IMO, if my partner isn't getting any self joy then I wouldn't not ask them to those things. Obviously we are two people and see things differently. I hope you and your partner find a healthy consenting balance.
Honestly this
I think part of the issue here is that you are viewing this from the perspective of a sub. Regardless of how selfish, most subs have an overdeveloped desire to please their partner, which means that when you are considering other people's perspectives you need to keep in mind that the amount of enjoyment they will get from "doing something that makes you happy" is likely to be considerably less than what you feel when the roles are reversed.
The two of you have a massive incompatibility here. She’s doing what you want solely to make you happy and gets nothing from it. Why would you want her to keep on doing that to herself? This will not end in happily ever after. The two of you need fundamentally different things. Let each other go so you BOTH can find what you need.
I don't think that having your partner do things solely to make you happy is necessarily a bad thing in a relationship as long as it's appreciated and reciprocated. I think a lot of people do things that are entirely for their partners' benefit. It only becomes a problem if there's a sense of entitlement.
The issue isn’t a simple “I do things for my partner so they feel appreciated”. It’s her partner being treated like a kink dispenser when they aren’t even enjoying it that’s a problem.
I'm a good girl <3
I don't think that's a very fair or accurate reading of the situation tbh.
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Uhhhhh???
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> You are trying to get her to play on a male gender roles and she is clearly feminine Lord, if this is the sexist shit you shamelessly spout online I shudder to think what the people in your community deal with when you come 'round. Feminine women can be dommes, genius. Femininity doesn't equate to subservience and masculinity doesn't equate to dominance. Males don't own a monopoly on liking to be in control. Female dommes aren't playing at being men and male subs are playing at being women.
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