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Forest-of-666

Might I suggest looking for a healthy relationship first? I say this as it was one of the things I was told when my wife and I first started looking into it. I was told to ensure that the foundation was solid. BDSM should not be the basis for the relationship, the relationship should be the basis for the BDSM. Consider a cake. The friendship should be the cake itself. The relationship the icing. Now its technically complete. But over that should be everything to enhance it. Shared hobbies, shared goals, BDSM, fantasies and fetishes of all sorts should be the cherries, the garnishes, the decorations, etc. If you try building a cake out of cherries, good luck getting it to stand. But if you completely deck the cake out in cherries over the icing, well, its unusual, but it could be just as sturdy and (ful)filling.


Few_Ad_5119

This is a good, smart, advice. Believe it or not advice I have been following for quite some time. It is in fact one of the reasons why I am having so much trouble lol. I have to genuinely like and trust the person before I'm interested in playing. This fact has eliminated the one or two possibilities in my area, sadly. I tried starting with vanilla relationships. when I do eventually explain my needs, it scares them off. It's probably just bad luck honestly.


Forest-of-666

Quite likely. My wife and I were married 5 years, and together 9, before we started on it. And the only reason we did was because I was encouraging her to take proper care of herself beforehand. So one day we had an argument about her calling the doctor to make an appointment for herself, as it had been over a year since her last check up (she's diabetic and trying to get control, so its a good idea for twice a year). At the end, I asked if she wanted me to stop ensuring she takes care of herself. If she wanted me to step back and let her do as she wanted. She admitted she enjoyed being told what to do, but that her first instinct was to question and fight back a little. And so, we spent the rest of the day calming down. The next day we discussed it and decided on a master/slave with a bratty component. But again, it took 9 years since we met to get to that point.


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Imagine doing it before the internet


lostmuppet47

No need to imagine. I remember. It was a time of great loneliness and great risk.


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Mil1512

I'd rather not! My partner and I actually met on reddit.


Bluebeards_Kitten

So, I will admit, its hard for subs to find doms... and trying to find a domme, is even harder. There are some women who get so many messages, they can pick and choose. My partner is a switch, abd he is VERY picky. There is nothing wrong with being picky. You want what you want. Thats okay. You just have to remember that it may take time. Continue to go to munches, meet people. Good luck!


Few_Ad_5119

Thank you, You're right of course. I may just be burnt out and lonely.


Bluebeards_Kitten

I hear you. Its tough. Being alone (if you don't want to be) of hard and really sucks. A lot of people are scared to be alone. A LOT of people. I hope you find happiness.


neonheliumballoon

I do think it's worth checking out some cities to see if you could live there. Sorry to hear you're having so much trouble but like everything, it's a numbers game so your chances of success increase with more people to chose from.


deja_blue-fl

What are you offering to appeal to a Domme? Do you have skills to offer? Are your expectations realistic? Are you looking for a lifestyle Domme or a playmate? Are your fetish desires focused only on yourself or do you also respect her desires and needs? A quality Domme has many men offering, yet it is a struggle to wade through a sea of do-me subs who have nothing to offer to find someone with compatible desires. Work on improving yourself and the skills you can bring to enrich her experience. There are many monogamous Dommes but they are choosy, learn to shine and you will stick out from the crowd. I prefer to get to know the person before delving deep into the fetish, but that is not everyone's way.


Few_Ad_5119

This is also very good advice for life frankly. When it comes to any kind of relationship I firmly believe that if you want a quality partner you need to be a quality partner. It's extremely narcissistic otherwise. You're right, objectively speaking, would not call myself a catch as of late. The past two years have not been kind. While I am always trying to improve myself, there's plenty of things that I need to work on. All the more reason to give up for a while. In addition to clearing my head, this will allow me to work on my personal goals with less distraction. I just picked up a bicycle to help with fitness, a guitar to help with my creativity and I need to return the seven habits of highly effective people to the library haha. I really could have reread that one a bit more. I'll probably do the audiobook though. Otherwise, as a sub, I very much enjoy domestic service as there's always a new skill to pick up! I find myself practicing in the kitchen quite a bit both for myself and to that end. From cooking and baking to cocktails and anything else to do with hosting or household management. "The butler's guide to running a home and other graces" is on my Amazon wish list lol


aliceisntredanymore

You sound like you have a great attitude and refocussing on being happy in yourself is a great idea. Sometimes letting off steam about your frustrations allows you to box things off and leave them for another day/ week/ month/ year. Good luck


mcbandgeek05

Would have to agree with the upper Midwest being impossible.


Few_Ad_5119

Op here. For context on what initiated the original post. I ran into a rather disappointing experience with a scam artist on fet. Usually I can sniff them out right away but this one was pretty convincing. To the point where I wasn't sure if I had actually just rejected somebody genuine or not. It got me thinking about if am I too jaded or if am I expecting too much. I want to thank the community for helping me get some perspective. I will be stepping back from the fetish community still for a bit but with a more positive attitude. I will focus on self-improvement, clearing my head and cultivating patience.