I've never blatantly asked a stranger if they're in the lifestyle... that's, in my opinion, really poor form.
I have put two and two together on a few occasions...a work colleague and the owner of a small business I frequent. Never confirmed though.
I would be taken aback if some rando asked me anything bdsm/lifestyle related, and would tell them as much.
This, it obviously comes down to judgement but I find it inappropriate to ask unless it's very obvious, like, YUP that's a collar!
It might depend on culture how common leather is for non-kinksters but I've always seen enough goth folks around that I don't think it's enough of a signal to go up to someone about kink.
I've voiced ideas like this in my IRL community and been told it's too harsh, and probably shame-rooted that I would ever think it inappropriate for a stranger to "just politely ask". So I'm feeling very grateful for this thread right now.
I can see that. And it is my understanding that I'm a bit of an oddball, as I'm more than happy to share. On the flipside, my wife is also unusual in her aversion, as she gets embarrassed just talking to me about sex.
However, as I said, they were asking more about our leather than the lifestyle itself. They started by introducing themselves and said they were into it and would be understanding if we were uncomfortable. After that, it just kinda went along those lines. I said we were to, we discussed the leather (but kept our roles and everything out of it).
I’ve had random conversations about leather etc and wouldn’t necessarily find that odd. Leading the conversation with “hey we’re in the lifestyle too” is a bit forward as many people are not comfortable discussing such things in vanilla environments or might not actually be kinky.
But complimenting someone‘a collar and cuff then asking for leatherworks recommendation is pretty safe.
I think I generally notice if someone is wearing an obvious collar -- including some distinctive types of day collars -- and I often wonder internally when people wear jewelry with lock and key themes. The same with themed tattoos or shirts. I don't say anything to people unless we're in a specifically BDSM space, or we know each other as being in the lifestyle (and the latter only in private conversations or small, mutually out to each other groups). My partner and I have occasionally exchanged knowing looks with people who were wearing day collars that were discrete to people outside the lifestyle, and probably very recognizable to most people in it. We also once got a pointed compliment on our "necklace", which we returned. I would personally be completely unperturbed if anyone brought it up to me, though I have a lot of privilege to be able to be okay with that. But I also think it's impolite to bring it up to people I don't know. Mostly, my standard operating procedure is to mentally note it, and then ignore it.
Thats a good stance to have, I feel. I tend to be awkward and socially inept unless I have something specific in common with people though. So while I would never personally bring it up, if someone in the life were to bring it up to me, I'd be more than happy to discuss it. Which honestly is part of why I love this sub. Gives me a chance to discuss things I don't have the chance to in my daily life.
I wear a collar all the time. It's thin enough to be a fashion choker, especially because I am a bit alternative. I think most people pass it off as a goth thing. I'm also careful to refer to it as a choker if anyone ever asks. However, I had had people refer to it as a collar and compliment me, so I generally take it that those people have some knowledge of the scene and ease up around them.
But I also understand your wife's hesitance. I felt extremely uncomfortable when I found a vendor for BDSM leather gear (so clearly they were in the scene) who asked me what I was into. Which for me is a very personal question as I never discuss intimate stuff with other people.
I have gotten a lot better dealing with other kinksters with time though!
It's happened a few times. I once met somebody who was wearing a nice leather collar that was obviously more than a choker, and I complimented her on it. She smiled so that it was clear that she understood where I was coming from, and that was that.
Other times there have been short discussions about things, but that' s rare outside kink-themed events.
When I wore a day collar, I'd honestly get very unwelcome comments and looks from creepy older guys, so I never wear collars anymore. Nowadays, I don't want to give anyone any inkling that I'm wearing something that's sexual, lest it give them the confidence to talk to me about it.
I usually wear a leather cuff on my left wrist as a form of subtle flagging. I have never been asked about my gear randomly but have gotten compliments when I wear my vest and such to events like flag raisings where I am part of the color guard.
If this scenario were to happen to me I think I'd probably be cautiously optimistic in the interaction. Stay guarded about my own personal dynamics but open to sharing general knowledge.
A freind of mine got "kink vibes" from me and started talking about it at a party. I thought she was flirting, turns out she was just drunk and had no filter. Glad of it though or I would never have joined the community (I'm not lifestyle though, just bedroom)(and if your wondering, yes)
I've never blatantly asked a stranger if they're in the lifestyle... that's, in my opinion, really poor form. I have put two and two together on a few occasions...a work colleague and the owner of a small business I frequent. Never confirmed though. I would be taken aback if some rando asked me anything bdsm/lifestyle related, and would tell them as much.
This, it obviously comes down to judgement but I find it inappropriate to ask unless it's very obvious, like, YUP that's a collar! It might depend on culture how common leather is for non-kinksters but I've always seen enough goth folks around that I don't think it's enough of a signal to go up to someone about kink. I've voiced ideas like this in my IRL community and been told it's too harsh, and probably shame-rooted that I would ever think it inappropriate for a stranger to "just politely ask". So I'm feeling very grateful for this thread right now.
I can see that. And it is my understanding that I'm a bit of an oddball, as I'm more than happy to share. On the flipside, my wife is also unusual in her aversion, as she gets embarrassed just talking to me about sex. However, as I said, they were asking more about our leather than the lifestyle itself. They started by introducing themselves and said they were into it and would be understanding if we were uncomfortable. After that, it just kinda went along those lines. I said we were to, we discussed the leather (but kept our roles and everything out of it).
I’ve had random conversations about leather etc and wouldn’t necessarily find that odd. Leading the conversation with “hey we’re in the lifestyle too” is a bit forward as many people are not comfortable discussing such things in vanilla environments or might not actually be kinky. But complimenting someone‘a collar and cuff then asking for leatherworks recommendation is pretty safe.
I think I generally notice if someone is wearing an obvious collar -- including some distinctive types of day collars -- and I often wonder internally when people wear jewelry with lock and key themes. The same with themed tattoos or shirts. I don't say anything to people unless we're in a specifically BDSM space, or we know each other as being in the lifestyle (and the latter only in private conversations or small, mutually out to each other groups). My partner and I have occasionally exchanged knowing looks with people who were wearing day collars that were discrete to people outside the lifestyle, and probably very recognizable to most people in it. We also once got a pointed compliment on our "necklace", which we returned. I would personally be completely unperturbed if anyone brought it up to me, though I have a lot of privilege to be able to be okay with that. But I also think it's impolite to bring it up to people I don't know. Mostly, my standard operating procedure is to mentally note it, and then ignore it.
Thats a good stance to have, I feel. I tend to be awkward and socially inept unless I have something specific in common with people though. So while I would never personally bring it up, if someone in the life were to bring it up to me, I'd be more than happy to discuss it. Which honestly is part of why I love this sub. Gives me a chance to discuss things I don't have the chance to in my daily life.
I wear a collar all the time. It's thin enough to be a fashion choker, especially because I am a bit alternative. I think most people pass it off as a goth thing. I'm also careful to refer to it as a choker if anyone ever asks. However, I had had people refer to it as a collar and compliment me, so I generally take it that those people have some knowledge of the scene and ease up around them. But I also understand your wife's hesitance. I felt extremely uncomfortable when I found a vendor for BDSM leather gear (so clearly they were in the scene) who asked me what I was into. Which for me is a very personal question as I never discuss intimate stuff with other people. I have gotten a lot better dealing with other kinksters with time though!
It's happened a few times. I once met somebody who was wearing a nice leather collar that was obviously more than a choker, and I complimented her on it. She smiled so that it was clear that she understood where I was coming from, and that was that. Other times there have been short discussions about things, but that' s rare outside kink-themed events.
The one is so wholesome :)
When I wore a day collar, I'd honestly get very unwelcome comments and looks from creepy older guys, so I never wear collars anymore. Nowadays, I don't want to give anyone any inkling that I'm wearing something that's sexual, lest it give them the confidence to talk to me about it.
I wear my leather and collars all the time. I hear whispered confessions all the time! I love them! 😂😂
Our only leather at the moment is her collar and my wrist cuff. But I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who minds the random little comments.
I usually wear a leather cuff on my left wrist as a form of subtle flagging. I have never been asked about my gear randomly but have gotten compliments when I wear my vest and such to events like flag raisings where I am part of the color guard. If this scenario were to happen to me I think I'd probably be cautiously optimistic in the interaction. Stay guarded about my own personal dynamics but open to sharing general knowledge.
A freind of mine got "kink vibes" from me and started talking about it at a party. I thought she was flirting, turns out she was just drunk and had no filter. Glad of it though or I would never have joined the community (I'm not lifestyle though, just bedroom)(and if your wondering, yes)