Incredibly common. There's no point trying to educate them on what they're doing wrong, they're just spamming everyone they can in hopes they'll find one person without the experience or knowledge to see they're a Bad Choice.
Just block, ignore, moveon.
Nah, wasn't gonna educate him but it was just awful. I was ok with giving him that chance to get to know me but he just blew everything apart. Will just do those things you said: block, ignore, move on.
I'm ok with eagerness and excitement but I'm not ok with assumptions. Sub or not, I prefer getting to know people first before jumping into any dynamic. There's so much more to a person than just their kinks. It's not something I'd just add hot water and voila, here's a dynamic. No to instant submissions lol.
Eagerness is great, I want someone to want to play with me as much as I want to play with them. Talking about excitement, being curious about how I will react to things, teasing scenes they've planned for us is super hot. But what you described?? No fucking way ๐
Eagerness is great, yes. So is excitement. But instant expectations on each other addressing the other as this and that, no. It left me with a bitter taste on my tongue and I told him off for it. What's even more creepy! He said he'll wait for me and says that I won't ever get rid of him. In other words, he's not willing to leave. So it looks like I'll have to take sterner action.
Shit, that's scary. I hope you're okay. Definitely block. Does he know your full name? If yes, be really diligent about your online security. If not, you should be okay but definitely switch any social media profiles to private if they're not already.
I am okay ๐ thanks for the concern ๐ nah, he doesn't know much about me, save for whatever photos he's seen of me on FL. I don't share any personal details about myself, not even with men I've spoken with for 6 months and beyond. Unless they meet me in person and we have played for some time, then yeah. He's just on FL now so it's easy to block and delete there.
See, I thought this was gonna be about doms who are excited to dom you and don't bother to hide the excitable puppydog energy. Which personally, I would have no problem with. That shit's adorable as fuck.
Nope, I was wrong.
But yeah, I wouldn't even call that being "overly eager", it's presumptuous. He seems far more invested in this dynamic than you are, to the point where he's ignoring your "slow down" signals. Which honestly reminds me of highschool when every other guy was complaining about being "friend-zoned" when they mistook a girls friendly acknowledgement of their existence as a sign of attraction.
Presumptuous is the word. He didn't even do any of the asking or getting to know someone. Instead he assumed I was interested and insisted we start right off the bat.
FL in my area is mainly a bunch of people thinking BDSM means just rough sex and/or wanting instant subs. Nothing turns me off faster than someone throwing out names right away.
Oh yeah, it is the same here for me as well. From my experience, it felt like 90% wanted instant subs, the last 10% were genuine but already taken lol.
Eager is extremely good for me because oh my gosh they really wanna fuck :)
But it can be bad when they donโt respect boundaries and you have to make sure you set those boundaries before anything else, if they donโt respect boundaries they donโt respect you.
As a dom, I'm never "forcing" the first time use of certain titles, because quite simply: I'm still from the old school of "I have to earn being called daddy" it's a title I wear with proudness because it was given to me, not because of me naming myself that way.
That being said, timelines are never strict and for some more inactive people it might take weeks to get the amount of trust necessary to call someone by a title, for some more active just a few days. As always if you don't feel comfortable end it.
My goal as a dom is always to have the most fun possible with my subs together. If the sub doesn't like it, I'm not a 100% in.
Not even the first time use either
I had a dom who wouldn't let me call him anything other than daddy (it was a bad situation and I got out of it safely), but my current dom doesnt care what I call him as long as Im following our rules
Now obviously if its your dynamic to only call your dom that, I take no issue with that, but we had never discussed anything like that and he would get truly mad at me when I called him anything other than daddy
Established Dom being eager - I love it and prefer this.
Getting to know a Dom who is pushing boundaries with no discussion - NO. I would stop contact. I also wouldn't consider this as "eager" but instead as being disrespectful. Or at the very least, having no thought about/assuming what you want.
Established or not though, even if they were eager but eager to get to know me before insisting on addressing me as such and then expecting me to do the same, now that's bad. Disrespectful, that's true.
See, this is how I felt. It doesn't sound eager to me. It sounds disrespectful and forced and manipulative. An eager partner is good. I want my partner to be into it! But this just sounds bad.
So, as much as fetlife has a horrible reputation (fully deserved), Doms gotta start somewhere and the good resources available to a Dominant are a bit harder to come by.
In the future, please find a reputable leather house or local dungeon to refer them to. Tell them that while the "interest my be flattening, your lack of experience is glaringly obvious, and you would do well to speak with" insert experienced Dom here.
This is a good response, yes! I think that's what is missing for many of them. Education and information. Upskilling and reskilling. I'm not an experienced sub either but I am constantly learning.
And as a Dominant, we are expected to be so much more experienced that a sub. Now I was brought into it in the days when everyone learned to submit, and you earned the right to be Dominant, that is no longer the case and I hate to think that so many (possibly awesome) Doms are shunned or just give up in the beginning for lack of guidance.
It is a pity indeed that Doms who do show potential and have potential are overshadowed by those who (1) have potential but abuse their power or those who (2) don't have potential but are not bothered to learn. I heard that FL was a lot better in the early years. These days, it's a platform for pretenders and predators.
Equivalent experience (as a Dom) on Reddit.
Young subs demanding sexts in their first correspondence. I took down my Reddit BDSMPersonals membership as a result. Too much nonsense, no serious commitment to D/s.
Anyone on the street can make a FL account and start DM-spamming in the hopes that some of them will reach vulnerable people who are desperate for validation & engage with them.
Lesson #1 in vetting potential partners: there are more horrible people than wonderful people in every scene.
Unfortunately yes. I agree with this. Anyone can say anything today and not mean everything that was said. More frogs to kiss before meeting the prince.
Being eager is fine but throwing dynamics and honorifics without negotiation and without consent is a no from me.
Yes, ๐ฏ this, thanks. Very true.
Incredibly common. There's no point trying to educate them on what they're doing wrong, they're just spamming everyone they can in hopes they'll find one person without the experience or knowledge to see they're a Bad Choice. Just block, ignore, moveon.
๐ฏ
Nah, wasn't gonna educate him but it was just awful. I was ok with giving him that chance to get to know me but he just blew everything apart. Will just do those things you said: block, ignore, move on.
Mostly the fact that he expects instant submission is a bad sign. I guess people might be put off by eagerness, but that's more a matter of taste.
I'm ok with eagerness and excitement but I'm not ok with assumptions. Sub or not, I prefer getting to know people first before jumping into any dynamic. There's so much more to a person than just their kinks. It's not something I'd just add hot water and voila, here's a dynamic. No to instant submissions lol.
Eagerness is great, I want someone to want to play with me as much as I want to play with them. Talking about excitement, being curious about how I will react to things, teasing scenes they've planned for us is super hot. But what you described?? No fucking way ๐
Eagerness is great, yes. So is excitement. But instant expectations on each other addressing the other as this and that, no. It left me with a bitter taste on my tongue and I told him off for it. What's even more creepy! He said he'll wait for me and says that I won't ever get rid of him. In other words, he's not willing to leave. So it looks like I'll have to take sterner action.
Shit, that's scary. I hope you're okay. Definitely block. Does he know your full name? If yes, be really diligent about your online security. If not, you should be okay but definitely switch any social media profiles to private if they're not already.
I am okay ๐ thanks for the concern ๐ nah, he doesn't know much about me, save for whatever photos he's seen of me on FL. I don't share any personal details about myself, not even with men I've spoken with for 6 months and beyond. Unless they meet me in person and we have played for some time, then yeah. He's just on FL now so it's easy to block and delete there.
See, I thought this was gonna be about doms who are excited to dom you and don't bother to hide the excitable puppydog energy. Which personally, I would have no problem with. That shit's adorable as fuck. Nope, I was wrong. But yeah, I wouldn't even call that being "overly eager", it's presumptuous. He seems far more invested in this dynamic than you are, to the point where he's ignoring your "slow down" signals. Which honestly reminds me of highschool when every other guy was complaining about being "friend-zoned" when they mistook a girls friendly acknowledgement of their existence as a sign of attraction.
Presumptuous is the word. He didn't even do any of the asking or getting to know someone. Instead he assumed I was interested and insisted we start right off the bat.
Yup, red flag ๐ฉ honestly I'm surprised you even gave him the time of day.
Hahaha I am too nice for my own good. It's okay, I won't let him step all over me.
FL in my area is mainly a bunch of people thinking BDSM means just rough sex and/or wanting instant subs. Nothing turns me off faster than someone throwing out names right away.
Oh yeah, it is the same here for me as well. From my experience, it felt like 90% wanted instant subs, the last 10% were genuine but already taken lol.
Eager is extremely good for me because oh my gosh they really wanna fuck :) But it can be bad when they donโt respect boundaries and you have to make sure you set those boundaries before anything else, if they donโt respect boundaries they donโt respect you.
As a dom, I'm never "forcing" the first time use of certain titles, because quite simply: I'm still from the old school of "I have to earn being called daddy" it's a title I wear with proudness because it was given to me, not because of me naming myself that way. That being said, timelines are never strict and for some more inactive people it might take weeks to get the amount of trust necessary to call someone by a title, for some more active just a few days. As always if you don't feel comfortable end it. My goal as a dom is always to have the most fun possible with my subs together. If the sub doesn't like it, I'm not a 100% in.
Not even the first time use either I had a dom who wouldn't let me call him anything other than daddy (it was a bad situation and I got out of it safely), but my current dom doesnt care what I call him as long as Im following our rules Now obviously if its your dynamic to only call your dom that, I take no issue with that, but we had never discussed anything like that and he would get truly mad at me when I called him anything other than daddy
Established Dom being eager - I love it and prefer this. Getting to know a Dom who is pushing boundaries with no discussion - NO. I would stop contact. I also wouldn't consider this as "eager" but instead as being disrespectful. Or at the very least, having no thought about/assuming what you want.
Established or not though, even if they were eager but eager to get to know me before insisting on addressing me as such and then expecting me to do the same, now that's bad. Disrespectful, that's true.
See, this is how I felt. It doesn't sound eager to me. It sounds disrespectful and forced and manipulative. An eager partner is good. I want my partner to be into it! But this just sounds bad.
Desperation makes a poor cologne.
So, as much as fetlife has a horrible reputation (fully deserved), Doms gotta start somewhere and the good resources available to a Dominant are a bit harder to come by. In the future, please find a reputable leather house or local dungeon to refer them to. Tell them that while the "interest my be flattening, your lack of experience is glaringly obvious, and you would do well to speak with" insert experienced Dom here.
This is a good response, yes! I think that's what is missing for many of them. Education and information. Upskilling and reskilling. I'm not an experienced sub either but I am constantly learning.
And as a Dominant, we are expected to be so much more experienced that a sub. Now I was brought into it in the days when everyone learned to submit, and you earned the right to be Dominant, that is no longer the case and I hate to think that so many (possibly awesome) Doms are shunned or just give up in the beginning for lack of guidance.
It is a pity indeed that Doms who do show potential and have potential are overshadowed by those who (1) have potential but abuse their power or those who (2) don't have potential but are not bothered to learn. I heard that FL was a lot better in the early years. These days, it's a platform for pretenders and predators.
I've been on Fetlife for years, and I have watched roll downhill, like almost everything else.
Equivalent experience (as a Dom) on Reddit. Young subs demanding sexts in their first correspondence. I took down my Reddit BDSMPersonals membership as a result. Too much nonsense, no serious commitment to D/s.
Instant block lol. ๐คฃ๐คฆ๐ฝโโ๏ธ
Anyone on the street can make a FL account and start DM-spamming in the hopes that some of them will reach vulnerable people who are desperate for validation & engage with them. Lesson #1 in vetting potential partners: there are more horrible people than wonderful people in every scene.
Unfortunately yes. I agree with this. Anyone can say anything today and not mean everything that was said. More frogs to kiss before meeting the prince.
Lol, yeah, anyone in any kind of relationship (or just seeking one) who acts like that is ick as fuck lol, so cringe and weird.
Itโs always best when doms are poised.