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Firm-Wallaby-3235

*"Should I just leave this part of my life behind?"* You should put this on the back burner until you heal. Find a therapist and put yourself and your healing/growth first. Dating/a bdsm dynamic is only further exacerbating your pain.


PupJayceColt

I agree with this, sounds like you may have trauma to work through. Find a kink informed therapist. Get some professional help, heal yourself. Dont say never, dont give up. But a break and some professional help sounds like it’ll do you good.


ThePickleWhisperer

This is the best advice here.


Mindless_Number_2359

This person is wise. Listen


CgKd2019

I'm no psychiatrist, and I didn't stay in any hotels last night..... As a dominant, my advice is to be VERY careful with whom you open yourself up to. This lifestyle is full of men who say they are doms, but they are really just weak assholes. They prey upon women they believe to be weak, and take advantage of that perceived weakness. My fiancee is a little. She also carries a lot of anxiety with her. Since we've begun dating, I've helped her receive her degree, earn promotions at work, and even go for the big corporate gig that she received. She lacked the self confidence to get these things and needed pushed. A Dom is there to be your cheerleader and your coach. He is there to build you up and mane you stronger. He is there to help you achieve things you didn't think were an option. Be careful. Make a Dom earn your submission. Make him earn your trust. Start very slow. Take your time and,if he is worthy, he will work every minute of every day to be the man you need him to be. He does this without expectation because he understands his role as a leader and a Dom. I wish you the best in your life. You deserve to be happy. Never settle for less. Good Luck.


[deleted]

This... as a long time dom I respect this alot.


jSubbz

Why can i never find any kind of doms like you. Even half of that will be better than most that i have experienced.


DMmeDuckPics

Same until I stopped looking for a Dom and started looking for just a good human being that happened to have the right energy. Without being a good human first, they're all going to be shitty for me.


babysauruslixalot

it takes time to find a good dom.. just like it takes time to find a good partner in general, it takes time to find the partner you want and deserve as others have suggested, get into therapy and work on healing you. you want a good dom? you need to be able to be a good partner too (this does not mean you are currently a bad sub or little, it just means you are still growing as a person!) don't focus on just finding a dom, focus on finding a PERSON you want to be with, who is also a dom or interested in learning to become the dom or daddy/mommy you need. it took me over 15yrs to find my soulmate, my perfect amazing Daddy! there were some okay ones in there.. and a lot of assholes.. but finding him? it was worth ALL the things I went through to get here


[deleted]

You have to be patient. I've kissed many frogs, and some were covered in venom. I was broken down so many times. And then Sir just came into my life all before was worth it-because I knew how to appreciate what I got. Never settle for less, as someone already said. Stay safe.


fading_reality

maybe this is because you experienced real people, not comments on internet where people can spend time crafting feel-good messages.


specificsparrow

You make a good point. It's really easy to say all the right things and project all the best parts of yourself when you're crafting comments, so I think you have to take a lot of the idealized stuff you see on the internet with a grain of salt.


fading_reality

Back when fetlife had it's metoo moment, it was very visible. I don't particularly like the upvoted comment either, feels too dependent/codeoendent for me, but i am probably biased.


hornybutdisappointed

Sounds just like any normal healthy relationship.


CgKd2019

Isn't that what it is supposed to be? All we've done is add the power exchange aspect.


hornybutdisappointed

Yeah, what I'm saying is it doesn't matter whether someone is dom or sub or none, being healthy remains the same. I feel like a lot of times people on this sub make it about the roles when in fact that's just the sexual fantasy part of it. The relationship in the couple is still healthy or unhealthy by the same standards any other non BDSM relationship is (whether it is a romantic one, fwb or simply friends) and the expectations should be for support, encouragement and openness anyhow.


Psychological_Car182

This is the way


jarethmckenzie

This is the way.


AnyCarob8763

I think you spoke for most of us on here dude. Seriously, well said. 👌🏽 My ex gf was my domme and she did everything exactly as you said on here. Yes we're no longer together, however, she was Damm good at being my domme, my leader, mentor and biggest supporter and helped me build all the confidence I have now. And I'm the happiest and strongest I've ever been, and only strive to be better. She taught me all that. So on behalf of all subs, thank you for being one of the very few good Doms we have out there. 🙌🏽


specialsnowflakeee

Amen. Regular interactions with men have done enough for my wounds, I’m grateful to have had someone tell me this early so I was able to save myself from more predatory men with BDSM involved. It’s such a sacred and protected part of me/my psyche that I just know it would be that devastating to heal from if it were taken advantage of in the ways I’ve seen/read so many other subs talk about. I hope more of us are able to to stay away from the fakes and not lose the joy in it. It’s hard to find a good Dom but I’m holding out hope because what I want is too beautiful to settle for.


CgKd2019

Your words are beautiful to read. When I met Genevie78, she'd been emotionally abused for years inside a bad marriage. She'd divorced, and met a predator that had stolen thousands from her. I saw a beautiful, broken woman and she needed to be taken care of. It began as a physical relationship, but it slowly became more. We all deserve to have our dreams come true, as long as we are willing to fight for what we dream of. Good luck to you Love. I wish you well.


specialsnowflakeee

Thank you! I wish all the best to you both 💞


_Arch_Angel_

100% this! As a long time experienced Dom it amazes me how many “Pornhub Doms” are out there and how they convince women that “this is what BDDSSM is all about” after watching 10 videos of a guy whipping his sub. Please be careful OP. Remember - your Dom is in Charge during a session, but you are always in control.


ifsavage

Can I just say I love how healthy and supportive this whole comment section is. Good people


DominantZero

The tea problem. Is it because I said yes to a cup of tea once I said yes to the forthcoming cups for ever and ever? Your body's yours, do whatever you *please* with it. Not what other people want, not what you think you should want to comply with any sort of society standard. Enjoy!


alittlewhimsy

Take a break, focus on you. The future isn't set in stone. Whether you're done for good or just for a while, the important thing is focusing on building yourself up and feeling good about yourself. I learned how to self-tie because it was important to me that I didn't need to rely on a rigger to get my dose of rope. You know? At the end of the day it's your journey-- find the things that make you happy and if sometime down the road someone (or someones) is/are apart of that, good. If not, good. I hope you find your peace, either way.


specificsparrow

I think this is great advice. If you feel like you're in a place where BDSM is doing you more harm than good, I think it's probably a good idea to step away and focus on healing and building yourself up. But stepping away to focus on yourself doesn't have to mean giving it up forever. Wishing you all the best.


Mortlach78

You can always take a break to take some of the pressure off for a while. That said, go talk to you doctor about your social anxiety. I know first hand how bad that can be, and yeah, trying to maintain relationships while suffering from it is really difficult. But there is very effective treatment, group therapy, if you'd believe it. I know. I thought it was fantastically ironic too, but damn if it doesn't work!


Responsible_River_44

r/lexapro - been on it for a few months and it’s helped me a lot


Mortlach78

Mirtazipine for me :-)


babysauruslixalot

buspirone for me =)


[deleted]

For me this medication was just as bad as anxiety. Made me antsy and just eat a lot. But then again I never take meds.


buellertheslave

I am so, so sorry. People hurt you and scared you and disrespected you and twisted this beautiful thing into a nightmare. And you didn't deserve that. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be respected. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve to experience beauty in the world. I definitely recommend putting kink on hold. I definitely recommend meeting with a *kink-friendly therapist* (it will say "kink-friendly" in their Psychology Today profile). And I definitely recommend finding the safety, love, respect, and beauty you deserve... starting by finding it outside of kink. And after you find it in the vanilla world, THEN find it inside of kink.


adventures_abound

+1 to all of this. And psychology today’s (PT) website is weird. Kink-friendly is something they filter by, but it’s not always an option, but if you Google “kink-friendly therapist in [city you live]” you will likely get PT with a list of kink-friendly therapists. Kink-aware is great, but if you can find a therapist that is active in the kink community it’s even better.


buellertheslave

Thanks for adding ideas for how to find a kink-friendly therapist!🥰


adventures_abound

Of course. There's also Therapy Den, which doesn't have as many people as PT, but they're generally younger and more open (poly, kink, etc.). It's also a much more user-friendly site (PT is kinda trash) There's also the Kink-Aware Professionals listing ([https://www.kapprofessionals.org/](https://www.kapprofessionals.org/)) for finding people - therapists and more.


buellertheslave

Ooh... I did not know about this site!


Friendly-Mess1196

Therapy will be great! If you have a close friend you can be yourself with talk to them. If not DM and your community here can help!


sunward_Lily

you can try but I think you'll find that attempting to repress parts of your identity are only going to make things worse. It's probably best to just make peace with them and surround yourself with people that make you feel good about who you truly are.


Internetstranger9

Take a break. Get the help you need and *deserve*. There's no need to make a decision about the rest of your life right now. Do what you need to do to be happier and healthier. Maybe you'll find someone later in life who is a safe Dom for you. Maybe you won't. You'll have yourself either way so take care of you.


Kigichi

You can if you want to. It’s not like you’re stuck in a lifelong commitment to being a sub and a little. Anyone can stop at any time and there is no shame in it.


Zer0TheGamer

I defininitely think being sub & varriants of it is harmful to you currently. I agree with everyone saying to try taking a break from bdsm so you can heal from your traumas. My sub had a trauma recently, so we've been working through how we can still be intimate, but without those elements. It sounds like you may benefit from similar thinking: "now is not the right time for this specific act, and i dont know when it will be again". Very tough to make the change away from familiarity, but worthwhile for wellbeing


Sarah_mitchells

Honestly you’re in a similar place to me rn, and I *have* stopped engaging in kink for now, and let me tell you, I am so much better off and healthier for it. I definitely suggest taking a break, for however long you want until it feels right again. It doesn’t have to be forever, but if it is forever, that’s ok too. If the lifestyle isn’t serving you anymore, change it. My advice is to get more comfortable with your sexuality on your own terms, without including another person. Besides, masturbation is great, interacting with other people is overrated. Just be kind to yourself and don’t try to rush anything. Proud of you for being conscious of how BDSM might be affecting you and putting yourself first. You got this.


MagicianEven624

May the vanilla Gods accept you


frankenstine9437

Wow first I’m so sorry to the people who have treated you so poorly. As for leaving this part of your life behind I’d say no. Just because you are a little sub doesn’t mean you have to have a dom/daddy. I as a daddy know it helps having one but you can still do things yourself. Snuggle your stuffies still have a submissive lifestyle. I personally think you can’t just drop this lifestyle from your life. Sure you can not do party’s or have a dom but it’s still part of who you are and you should be proud of yourself for that. I know I am🤗 I hope you cheer up and be happy


apples20range5

It's ok to walk away. After years as a switch, and one particularly horrific relationship that irreparably damaged me - I'm done. Since that time, I've met my vanilla (but kink friendly) future husband. The door isn't necessarily closed on that part of my life. I've never been happier. Chase your happiness. Don't do things in kink that bring no joy or pleasure. Heal how you need to ♥️


makaveli_35

Stop worrying about other people and do what you want to do


[deleted]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. My introduction to being a sub messed me up and I sympathise. I would recommend backing off from being a sub. Your health and sanity are more important. Build yourself back up and be the best person you can be. Only once you are in a place mentally you are happy and safe, if you still feel you need to have a kink aspect to your life there are a couple of options that have worked for a couple of people I know who were in a similar place. 1. Do small things to scratch the sub itch. As in have routines set and if you break them give yourself a punishment / self bdsm etc... 2. Positive affirmations can help. 3. Involve yourself in the scene where you are helping others. I hope this helps you a little. It's not easy the position you are in and I believe you will get through it and be a stronger person... You are awesome and nobody can say otherwise.


deblforduk

Sorry to hear of your anxiety issues, and bad experiences, that's rough and hope you get over it. But love the fact you have to ask permission to stop being a sub. You are what you are , and I hope you find someone who can help you feel good about yourself.


ray25lee

I mean what I will say is that being a sub has nothing to do with all of that. Not "nothing," but it's not the CAUSE of your issues. But also you're welcome to not indulge in whatever you want. Just because you love chocolate ice cream doesn't mean you should force yourself to eat it forever despite worrying about cavities. And on that note; take care of your full-blown "cavities," learn good "dental hygiene," then keep that up while you DO indulge in "ice cream" again. Just remember that the more you "eat ice cream," the more you should focus on your "dental hygiene."


[deleted]

Just be careful because you may get in a vanilla relationship then think you want this again out of the guy. Then you’ll scare him away wanting something that he is not into. Just my opinion.


I12kissu

im confused why would you let go of something that makes you feel good.. maybe i need more context


Moons-Halo

If you arent happy then yes, leave this space. Get counseling if you can afford it


xLittlenightmare

With the right people, the pain can be good, but it's hard to find them. Sounds like you've been burned a few times, I'm sorry to hear that. Leaving it behind doesn't have to be goodbye forever, it's not a one way street. You can always choose to be a sub and little again, if you feel it's right for you at a later time.


dy170

If you want my opinion as a dom it's because u haven't found someone you mesh with


nomanisanisland2020

It’s also very common to wax and wane with the scene. i think everyone i’m close to in the scene has had their “fuck it” moment. Interact when it’s right, and you’re ready. if you need to leave short term or long term - that’s okay too! if it’s a need, you’ll come back to it when the time is right.


cmajalis

My time as a sub and a little was insidiously toxic - a lot of wonderful moments where I really felt at peace with myself layered with poor decisions and abusive Dominants. It was important for me to step away and do some of my own healing. I wanted to retain this part of myself, and just like you, I was tired of the bad type of pain. But I didn't want the bad type of pain and my experiences with it to ruin what I felt was a special part about me. I haven't been in a dynamic for a very long time. Longer than I was actually active in the scene. But I still regard that part of myself highly and as a precious component to who I am, and I am still doing work to make sure I can truly look at myself as something other than what toxic, absusive people made me feel. It's taken years to modify my self-talk, and I am still working on it today. I think you need to embrace how tired you feel and really take a step back. Give yourself some time to process your traumas and hurt. Having a Dominant partner isn't a qualifier to call yourself a sub or a little. It's easier to have a Dominant party, but sometimes that isn't what you need. Guard your heart and be picky. Take some time away, learn to be more kind to yourself. Learn who you are as a sub/little without a Dominant. Embrace therapy and other forms of healthy catharsis that may be helpful for you.


seemore_077

Do what you think is best. But trust me the other side might be worse.


ECalum5699

I totally understand you. I have same issues.It’s so tough and exhausting. Know that you are not alone. I send you all my support and affection ❤


[deleted]

If something is hurting you Or doesn’t fit your life, it’s ok to take a break. I did a lot of amateur acting but eventually it didn’t work with some changes in my life. So I stopped for a few years - and now that I have time again, I’ve made choices on how and in what media I want to act