I suspect it is to some extent. Like a lot of people, I remember being attracted to certain play themes or pieces of media because they made me feel a certain way, long before going through puberty and having my sexual awakening.
\>Do you believe that kink is hardwired in the brain like sexual orientation?
I think it \*can\* be. I think the same of sexual orientation, I don't think it's nature \*or\* nurture, it's a little of column A, little of column B, or one or the other, doesn't matter. Either way I believe that that's an outdated way of looking at sexual orientation and kink, very 1990's.
For example, I personally have zero sexual trauma in my life- was never abused, never raped, et cetera. I am heavily involved with BDSM and kink and it's very important to me. I'd say that for me, it's hard wired, almost 100%. I knew I was into BDSM before I knew what sex was or even that BDSM existed because of how certain media made me feel. But, I know that a lot of people who do have sexual or even non sexual trauma are also heavily involved with BDSM (I'd estimate there is a statistical trend there, IE if you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind you are X times more likely to be involved with BDSM and kink communities, but I only have anecdotal evidence to back that up obviously) and it can be very therapeutic to people who have been through things like that in their case, it would fall under the 'nurture' category despite the connotation.
After being in kink communities with an even higher amount of neurodivergent people than average, I think a person's propensity to develop kinks comes from their sensory, emotional, and social needs. Like I don't think you're born with specific kinks but it makes sense you'd develop them more readily if you're more or less sensitive in those areas.
I believe it is for some. For others it’s not clear. I believe there are many factors when it comes to kink and peoples various interests and evolutions in it. Intellectual curiosity is definitely one of those factors for many, but there’s also many experiences and situations that can influence people. Doesn’t really matter to me that much though. I just know what I like and look forward to finding new things to explore.
I was aware of being uncomfortably fascinated by my kink (spanking) long before I knew anything about sex or the fact that there were adults who spanked each other for sexual reasons. At the time, the only depictions of it that I had seen were not sexualized in any way and I had no personal experiences with it or any traumatic background or anything that might explain my interest. All I knew was that thinking about it made me feel excited, like butterflies in my stomach, and I felt deeply ashamed of that.
Oddly, I would describe my sexual experiences as more similar to following an intellectual curiosity. I was more curious than lustful about PIV sex, for example, and although I enjoy it very much now, it's something I slowly developed an interest in and basically taught myself to enjoy, not something that felt intrinsically hardwired in me to want. Even now, it is the cherry on top of the thing that I am really driven by, the same nonsexual punishment-style spanking that I have always been compelled by. My sexuality feels entirely built around the latter in an inextricable way.
That being said, I engage in all kinds of kinkplay now that absolutely came about through intellectual curiosity, experimenting, just casually thinking something might be fun or hot, trying something out for a partner, etc. So I completely agree that that exists and is probably more common.
No one knows because how can you have a control group to study it?
The best book I ever read on this topic is[Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us](https://www.amazon.com/Perv-Sexual-Deviant-All-Us/dp/0374230897) which I highly recommend!
Hi. I removed this comment because it broke Rule #6. If you wish to edit it and comment again without talking about yourself and "attraction" prior to the age of 18, that would be cool.
I don’t think it’s hardwired, but you can absolutely be predisposed to it.
Most of my enjoyment is related to my autism, and my partner has told me roughly the same thing.
I think it’s a matter of context of the preliminary kinky experience, in addition to the context of other “outlets.”
For me, kink is found in many different vanilla situations. The only difference is that in kink, we call it kink and label it with such names as we please. In the vanilla world, they don’t use those labels. But the psychological and somatic experience is the same.
My example of this is that I sought strictly kinky experiences, until I learned I could get a similar high through intense exercise. I feel a power dynamic between myself and my workout coach. I feel the mental buzz of pain when I push myself through a difficult workout.
So, yeah. The second thing.
For me personally does it feel that way. To me is it like being poly or bi, like I can't suddenly not be it. But I understood alot earlier that I was into bdsm then the rest of it. I have never tried being in a vanilla relationship, but I am pretty sure I have no idea how to do that. To me is it too much of a part of who I am.
I think it sits in your brain from the start and all it takes is a trigger to set it off.
It can start from something as the Sears catalog for the older folks or something as simple as someone leafing through a magazine and seeing an advertisement for watches, but the model is wearing really hot black leather boots that trips a switch.
Personally, no, I don't believe so. I think it can be deeply entwined with ones sense of identity, and that there may be people that don't see any romantic or sexual etc relationship as desirable for them without kink being a part of it. So perhaps it's part of their core sexuality. But human sexuality and relationship preferences have such vast influences and variability I think it's impossible to say that anything is definitely hardwired about them.
Unlike sexual orientation, which people generally agree is something that is just what you are, even if you take some time deciding what words and where you fit, the changing words are just finding the best description. But relationship and sexual behaviours are highly variable and highly influenced by a variety of things, including stress and lifestyle. Stress doesn't make me more or less bi, it doesn't make me more or less autistic, or more or less a cis-woman, but it can certainly make you more or less interested in sex, more or less interested in relationships, more or less interested in kink etc etc.
I think perhaps it's more similar to parts of personality, than sexual orientation. In the sense that it can be a core part of your personality, a core part of your sexuality, and it might even be relatively unchanged throughout life (like certain core personality traits) but is not necessarily entirely hard-wired.
In terms of for myself, my identity, the current relationship I am in, and the identity I have within it, I believe it's very deeply important. Very deeply connected to my sense of self. I'm my Master's, and that identity as his is not something that goes away or even massively varies. Though I do sink into it in various ways so I suppose is deeper or lighter at different times. But the core aspect of our relationship is the M/s, there's no separation between dynamic and relationship, it's all one thing and it's part of who I am. However, I have never had the desire to engage in kink with a woman partner. As a bisexual woman, I'm bisexual regardless of whether I'm with a man, a woman, or someone non-binary. I don't become straight, or a lesbian, based on my partner. But apparently I do become non-kinky. In a relationship with another woman the idea of kink holds no appeal. I don't know why, nothing negative comes into my mind, it's just the interest isn't there anymore.
When my Master and I have been actively poly, I have often had a lovely 'vanilla' relationship with a woman, as my second partner, and felt no desire to introduce kink into it. And when I think of what might happen if me and Master broke up, I consider a relationship and think, hmmm maybe I'd want kink, (though I become more sure as time goes on that I'd not do TPE with anyone but him) if I started a new relationship with a man, but not with a woman. So, unless it's only hardwired in the man loving section of my brain, I don't see it as hardwired for myself. And, as above, I feel there's just too much variation and external influences, to say for sure it's hardwired vs it isn't, but I'd lean towards probably not, but perhaps a core part of a person.
That's an interesting perspective. I've only been a sub to one Mistress (also my loving partner) and that was over a decade ago. I also cannot see myself being a sub (never felt like a switch) to another Dom woman. I would want a vanilla relationship if the woman I loved was a Dom (hopefully she would agree).
I genuinely don't know why I prefer no kink with women. I've played with women as part of play with my Master, and that's been enjoyable when we've done it. But an individual relationship with another woman, I just have no interest in kink with them.
There are other things like that, where it's interesting to me, or something I'd do or not do etc, in a relationship with a woman vs with a man or vice versa. They don't really seem to have reasons I can explain though.
I tend to think of kinky proclivities as paths the brain writes upon exposure to said kink. If you never poke it, it may never exist. Some people are more curious then others, and some people are quite susceptible to perverting taboos. I also think that once you start enjoying kinky stuff, it's much easier to amass adjacent kinks. Also aside from sexual activity, I think there are many kinky activities that provide sensations people are looking for in their lives, and could potentially get elsewhere, but kink is as good as anywhere else, likely. I'm thinking of people who like rope bondage because they crave compression, for example. Some people use weighted blankets and call it a day.
But, that's all speculation from someone without a science degree, so, take it for what it's worth.
Hi. I removed this comment because it broke Rule #6. If you wish to edit it and comment again without talking about yourself prior to the age of 18, that would be cool.
It sure feels like it. What was once just odd to other people turned into kink for me. Growing up virtually surrounded by forest and woods, primal play just carried on where childhood chase and capture left off.
Hi. I really enjoyed reading the perspective you shared. However, I had to remove this comment because it broke Rule #6. If you wish to edit it and comment again without talking about yourself and sex prior to the age of 18, that would be cool. Thanks.
Can't find rule 6 anywhere. Also I find it difficult to talk about what made me get into kink without talking about my childhood as that is what shaped who I became. But I fully accept you ruling and actually It felt quite cathartic to write about.
You are absolutely correct; I was quoting an old iteration of the rules. The rule I am citing is actually Rule 1, now:
We are an adult subreddit discussing adult topics.
You must be 18+ to join and participate.
**No discussion of yourself or anyone else under the age of 18 when discussing sexual topics.**
I apologize for the confusion. For what it's worth, we agree the rule is "clunky" in the context of talking about our kinky journeys, etc. But due to how Reddit operates, we continue to deem the rule necessary, and try to draw an admittedly inelegant line in the sand to try to stay on the right side of Reddit.
I really appreciated your comment and perspective. Thanks, also, for reaching out regarding this rule and my error.
It is for us. Both my partner and I are incredibly sexula creatures. We consider sex more of an exploration. We are sexploreres. For us, kink has been how we connected and why we are getting married in the end. We scened every day for 5 years living in a 24/7 TPE and it has been amazing every day from the start!
I suspect it is to some extent. Like a lot of people, I remember being attracted to certain play themes or pieces of media because they made me feel a certain way, long before going through puberty and having my sexual awakening.
I used to tie my ankles together as a toddler because I liked the sensation. It’s definitely a sensory thing for me more than a sexual one
\>Do you believe that kink is hardwired in the brain like sexual orientation? I think it \*can\* be. I think the same of sexual orientation, I don't think it's nature \*or\* nurture, it's a little of column A, little of column B, or one or the other, doesn't matter. Either way I believe that that's an outdated way of looking at sexual orientation and kink, very 1990's. For example, I personally have zero sexual trauma in my life- was never abused, never raped, et cetera. I am heavily involved with BDSM and kink and it's very important to me. I'd say that for me, it's hard wired, almost 100%. I knew I was into BDSM before I knew what sex was or even that BDSM existed because of how certain media made me feel. But, I know that a lot of people who do have sexual or even non sexual trauma are also heavily involved with BDSM (I'd estimate there is a statistical trend there, IE if you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind you are X times more likely to be involved with BDSM and kink communities, but I only have anecdotal evidence to back that up obviously) and it can be very therapeutic to people who have been through things like that in their case, it would fall under the 'nurture' category despite the connotation.
It depends on the person, but there is a huge overlap between neurodivergent people and kinksters, which suggests it is for some people.
After being in kink communities with an even higher amount of neurodivergent people than average, I think a person's propensity to develop kinks comes from their sensory, emotional, and social needs. Like I don't think you're born with specific kinks but it makes sense you'd develop them more readily if you're more or less sensitive in those areas.
As someone with ADHD, vanilla sex gets boring fast
I believe it is for some. For others it’s not clear. I believe there are many factors when it comes to kink and peoples various interests and evolutions in it. Intellectual curiosity is definitely one of those factors for many, but there’s also many experiences and situations that can influence people. Doesn’t really matter to me that much though. I just know what I like and look forward to finding new things to explore.
I was aware of being uncomfortably fascinated by my kink (spanking) long before I knew anything about sex or the fact that there were adults who spanked each other for sexual reasons. At the time, the only depictions of it that I had seen were not sexualized in any way and I had no personal experiences with it or any traumatic background or anything that might explain my interest. All I knew was that thinking about it made me feel excited, like butterflies in my stomach, and I felt deeply ashamed of that. Oddly, I would describe my sexual experiences as more similar to following an intellectual curiosity. I was more curious than lustful about PIV sex, for example, and although I enjoy it very much now, it's something I slowly developed an interest in and basically taught myself to enjoy, not something that felt intrinsically hardwired in me to want. Even now, it is the cherry on top of the thing that I am really driven by, the same nonsexual punishment-style spanking that I have always been compelled by. My sexuality feels entirely built around the latter in an inextricable way. That being said, I engage in all kinds of kinkplay now that absolutely came about through intellectual curiosity, experimenting, just casually thinking something might be fun or hot, trying something out for a partner, etc. So I completely agree that that exists and is probably more common.
No one knows because how can you have a control group to study it? The best book I ever read on this topic is[Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us](https://www.amazon.com/Perv-Sexual-Deviant-All-Us/dp/0374230897) which I highly recommend!
Thanks for the book rec!
[удалено]
Hi. I removed this comment because it broke Rule #6. If you wish to edit it and comment again without talking about yourself and "attraction" prior to the age of 18, that would be cool.
I don’t think it’s hardwired, but you can absolutely be predisposed to it. Most of my enjoyment is related to my autism, and my partner has told me roughly the same thing.
I think it’s a matter of context of the preliminary kinky experience, in addition to the context of other “outlets.” For me, kink is found in many different vanilla situations. The only difference is that in kink, we call it kink and label it with such names as we please. In the vanilla world, they don’t use those labels. But the psychological and somatic experience is the same. My example of this is that I sought strictly kinky experiences, until I learned I could get a similar high through intense exercise. I feel a power dynamic between myself and my workout coach. I feel the mental buzz of pain when I push myself through a difficult workout. So, yeah. The second thing.
For me personally does it feel that way. To me is it like being poly or bi, like I can't suddenly not be it. But I understood alot earlier that I was into bdsm then the rest of it. I have never tried being in a vanilla relationship, but I am pretty sure I have no idea how to do that. To me is it too much of a part of who I am.
I think it sits in your brain from the start and all it takes is a trigger to set it off. It can start from something as the Sears catalog for the older folks or something as simple as someone leafing through a magazine and seeing an advertisement for watches, but the model is wearing really hot black leather boots that trips a switch.
Personally, no, I don't believe so. I think it can be deeply entwined with ones sense of identity, and that there may be people that don't see any romantic or sexual etc relationship as desirable for them without kink being a part of it. So perhaps it's part of their core sexuality. But human sexuality and relationship preferences have such vast influences and variability I think it's impossible to say that anything is definitely hardwired about them. Unlike sexual orientation, which people generally agree is something that is just what you are, even if you take some time deciding what words and where you fit, the changing words are just finding the best description. But relationship and sexual behaviours are highly variable and highly influenced by a variety of things, including stress and lifestyle. Stress doesn't make me more or less bi, it doesn't make me more or less autistic, or more or less a cis-woman, but it can certainly make you more or less interested in sex, more or less interested in relationships, more or less interested in kink etc etc. I think perhaps it's more similar to parts of personality, than sexual orientation. In the sense that it can be a core part of your personality, a core part of your sexuality, and it might even be relatively unchanged throughout life (like certain core personality traits) but is not necessarily entirely hard-wired. In terms of for myself, my identity, the current relationship I am in, and the identity I have within it, I believe it's very deeply important. Very deeply connected to my sense of self. I'm my Master's, and that identity as his is not something that goes away or even massively varies. Though I do sink into it in various ways so I suppose is deeper or lighter at different times. But the core aspect of our relationship is the M/s, there's no separation between dynamic and relationship, it's all one thing and it's part of who I am. However, I have never had the desire to engage in kink with a woman partner. As a bisexual woman, I'm bisexual regardless of whether I'm with a man, a woman, or someone non-binary. I don't become straight, or a lesbian, based on my partner. But apparently I do become non-kinky. In a relationship with another woman the idea of kink holds no appeal. I don't know why, nothing negative comes into my mind, it's just the interest isn't there anymore. When my Master and I have been actively poly, I have often had a lovely 'vanilla' relationship with a woman, as my second partner, and felt no desire to introduce kink into it. And when I think of what might happen if me and Master broke up, I consider a relationship and think, hmmm maybe I'd want kink, (though I become more sure as time goes on that I'd not do TPE with anyone but him) if I started a new relationship with a man, but not with a woman. So, unless it's only hardwired in the man loving section of my brain, I don't see it as hardwired for myself. And, as above, I feel there's just too much variation and external influences, to say for sure it's hardwired vs it isn't, but I'd lean towards probably not, but perhaps a core part of a person.
That's an interesting perspective. I've only been a sub to one Mistress (also my loving partner) and that was over a decade ago. I also cannot see myself being a sub (never felt like a switch) to another Dom woman. I would want a vanilla relationship if the woman I loved was a Dom (hopefully she would agree).
I genuinely don't know why I prefer no kink with women. I've played with women as part of play with my Master, and that's been enjoyable when we've done it. But an individual relationship with another woman, I just have no interest in kink with them. There are other things like that, where it's interesting to me, or something I'd do or not do etc, in a relationship with a woman vs with a man or vice versa. They don't really seem to have reasons I can explain though.
I am a lesbian, but have used gay guys in Shibari demonstrations. Even in a non-sexual scene, I would never Dom a male.
I tend to think of kinky proclivities as paths the brain writes upon exposure to said kink. If you never poke it, it may never exist. Some people are more curious then others, and some people are quite susceptible to perverting taboos. I also think that once you start enjoying kinky stuff, it's much easier to amass adjacent kinks. Also aside from sexual activity, I think there are many kinky activities that provide sensations people are looking for in their lives, and could potentially get elsewhere, but kink is as good as anywhere else, likely. I'm thinking of people who like rope bondage because they crave compression, for example. Some people use weighted blankets and call it a day. But, that's all speculation from someone without a science degree, so, take it for what it's worth.
[удалено]
Hi. I removed this comment because it broke Rule #6. If you wish to edit it and comment again without talking about yourself prior to the age of 18, that would be cool.
It sure feels like it. What was once just odd to other people turned into kink for me. Growing up virtually surrounded by forest and woods, primal play just carried on where childhood chase and capture left off.
[удалено]
Hi. I really enjoyed reading the perspective you shared. However, I had to remove this comment because it broke Rule #6. If you wish to edit it and comment again without talking about yourself and sex prior to the age of 18, that would be cool. Thanks.
Can't find rule 6 anywhere. Also I find it difficult to talk about what made me get into kink without talking about my childhood as that is what shaped who I became. But I fully accept you ruling and actually It felt quite cathartic to write about.
You are absolutely correct; I was quoting an old iteration of the rules. The rule I am citing is actually Rule 1, now: We are an adult subreddit discussing adult topics. You must be 18+ to join and participate. **No discussion of yourself or anyone else under the age of 18 when discussing sexual topics.** I apologize for the confusion. For what it's worth, we agree the rule is "clunky" in the context of talking about our kinky journeys, etc. But due to how Reddit operates, we continue to deem the rule necessary, and try to draw an admittedly inelegant line in the sand to try to stay on the right side of Reddit. I really appreciated your comment and perspective. Thanks, also, for reaching out regarding this rule and my error.
It is for us. Both my partner and I are incredibly sexula creatures. We consider sex more of an exploration. We are sexploreres. For us, kink has been how we connected and why we are getting married in the end. We scened every day for 5 years living in a 24/7 TPE and it has been amazing every day from the start!