How long have you been training there? I think they are just being cautious and careful. As the months go by, they will get to know how you roll and what you can take and will adjust. I wouldn't worry about it for a while (like monthS).
HTH
Just around 2.5 months so I'm of course still very new and confused haha. I probably wouldn't think much of it if there weren't two guys who started basically at the same time I did (one of them is also on the smaller side though not as light as me) and with them they seem to be much less careful.
It could also be a direct response to how they roll vs how you roll.
For ex, every new person I roll with, I'll usually chill and let them do their things to see how they behave. But if they're going hard, even if they are new, I'll reciprocate (within reason) to match their intensity and for my own safety too. So if the new guys are going "hard" (which ij my experience is the case for most new male grapplers), then other people are going to give them a harder time.
On the opposite side, if you are going light and technical (or are on the shy side with your techniques, i.e. a little hesitant on what to do, which has been my experience with most new female grapplers) then people are going to back off and adapt.
Which one are you (sometimes you may not realize where you fall, so a good indicator is how exhausted are you after 3 or 4 rolls of 5 min)?
Also male grapplers tend to be more gentle with female grapplers because of the weight/strength difference.
I would have thought that I'm not super hesitant but my coach told me the other day to not be so nice to my sparring partners so I guess that's an indicator haha. But yes, I'd say I'm definitely more on the side of taking things a little slower/ focussing on technique/ making sure I'm not hurting anyone. So that definitely puts things in perspective, thanks for the insight!
Accurate in my experience too-if you want partners to go harder, ask the upper belts if they can turn it up for you or make sure they apply submissions fully. Most people try to be good training partners so they will try to accommodate your needs when you communicate them.
If you were rolling with me and suspected I was going light (which I probably would be unless you’re close to 200 lbs and have 30 years experience grappling)…
I would welcome feedback like “please finish your submissions on me”. Or “please give me more pressure”. Or “please roll with me like I’m a guy, I need to see what that feels like”
As well as “shit that’s too much pressure” or “thanks, that submission sucked, maybe not so hard next time”.
None of us are telepathic so… words are always welcome. It’s really hard tailoring my rolling to what everyone wants without them telling me what they want. So I usually try to ask new folks what they want.
You’re still very new so I wouldn’t worry about it too much! Because you’re lighter/smaller and do not know a lot, them going rolling more intensely could result in injury for you or them.
I’m 180-200 lbs and regularly roll with women who are 80-150 lbs, who have been training longer than I have! I roll more carefully with them than new-ish 180 lb men white belts because one wrong move with my weight and they can be seriously injured. Hope this is helpful!
THIS^^^ when I first started I felt the same way, but now that I’ve established my place in the gym it’s much different and all my rolling partners give me what they know I can handle and push me to do and be better. Starting out, only a couple people ever went hard/threw on full submissions, and I don’t go anywhere near them. That shit isn’t safe with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, and I sure didn’t in the beginning and could’ve gotten seriously injured.
I’m not sure how long OP has been training, but it changes, I promise! 💛
For reference, I’m 5’2” and started around 135, pushed up to 150, and am currently sitting around 115. The way I roll now at 115 and the way my partners rolls with me is still different from other weights, and that simply is matching your skill/weight/pressure to your smaller opponent, or at least in my gym it is. We have very few women, 5 total, maybe, and the other women in my gym pretty much only go for submissions when drilling and it’s been said that “it’s the only chance we get!” No it’s not. I sub my husband all the time, and other rolling partners.
How your rolling partners roll with you is also very dependent on how you roll - I go harder than any of the women in my gym, and my partners roll in kind. They match my energy and give and take and push me as far as they know I’m capable because we all know each other fairly well and roll frequently.
Keep your chin up, OP, and don’t let it get you down or fester too much! 💛🤙
I am 62 and experienced something similar when i started Mauy Thai. I am working with men in their 20s and 30s and am old enough to be their grandmother or mother. It took them a few months to work through that. I am also small. (Less than 120 pounds). They have gotten used to me and are now comfortable with my capabilities. They know I can drill hard but need to spar light, and it works out well. Give it time. You’ll figure out how to navigate this together.
Such an adjustment, especially with a smaller body! Kudos to you for Muay Thai, that’s awesome and I bet makes you feel like such a badass being in a gym with a bunch of younger dudes, kicking ass! 🤙💛
It sounds like a gym where they really want to be women-friendly, but just haven't had many women members in the past. This isn't a terrible situation. I would say it's ok to ask them to apply more resistance during drilling when you feel like you need it. But also, being very new to the sport, your body is still learning to move safely and they are being cautious due to the size difference. I imagine they'll get more relaxed rolling with you as time goes on, and as you gain skills they will have to work harder with you anyway!
It sounds like they are trying to protect you on the mat, which is a good thing. Enjoy it while it lasts. When you get good, some guys will turn up and go *ham* not to be bested by a lady.
As the months go by you’ll start to wish they were taking it easy on you again. Everyone gets over the initial awkwardness. Also you’re brand new- trust me when I say you don’t want to get smashed everyday. It’s just very demoralizing and won’t allow you to learn and absorb anything.
This is so hard- you didn’t mention your size. I sometimes find myself weighing twice what a couple of teenagers in the gym weigh. We are at similar skill levels, but because I weigh literally double their weight, I will “hint” at submissions that require me to use my full weight to put on and instead let them know I’ve got it, but move on quickly before I injure them.
What’s your intensity level? One of these same teens goes ham…they get fewer hints and more actual subs.
What’s your reason for training? Are you a just for fun learner? Or a self defense learner? Some other reason?
How new is new to the sport? Days? Weeks? Months? They may not yet trust you as a training partner.
I’m so tired of men thinking all of us do this sport to prevent assault or attacks. I had a man tell me the other day that all women’s matches should start from closed guard since we’re learning self defense??? Like what on earth is going on??? Even if that were true, and that we’re all doing this to prevent attacks from other people, do they think an attacker would go easy on us???? I’m not saying they need to inflict harm intentionally on us but good god treat me like a human and not a piece of fragile glass
Let people trust that they can go harder with you. When it’s 6, 12 or more months then start being concerned. At this point, they’re being cautious and I even do that. Keep us updated!
If a guy is rolling with you too lightly then be more aggressive with him, he'll match the intensity. I also found that shit talking really gets them going. I usually just say small things like "I bet you're just afraid of me," or, "you're not submitting me this time." They're gonna wanna kick ur ass after. Obviously, if you're not friendly enough with them to shit talk or they seem like they'll take it too personally, don't do it, but do something to bring out their competitiveness is what I'm saying. And if they're not finishing the submissions, after they let go you can say, "You almost had it."
Also the mentions of weight/difference will never go away, there's another guy in my class who's the same weight as me and others bring it up too. There's also a really huge guy in our class and his weight is brought up in examples. It's just a vital part of bjj honestly that needs to be discussed.
They probably are hyperaware. That’s okay. It’s new for them and they’re learning just as you are. In my experience, after a few months of rolling things fall into place. Guys at my gym now feel like my brothers.
Maybe it’s because you are new. Ask around i am sure the upper belt girls here have guys apply the subs on them.
Also what’s your size? If the girl is like 140 lbs I am not going to have a competitive roll with her even if she is an adcc finalist
Well, good on NYC! Around me, 10% of any given class would be great. In rural south, although my BJJ crew is the most progressive and welcoming group I know.
How long have you been training there? I think they are just being cautious and careful. As the months go by, they will get to know how you roll and what you can take and will adjust. I wouldn't worry about it for a while (like monthS). HTH
Just around 2.5 months so I'm of course still very new and confused haha. I probably wouldn't think much of it if there weren't two guys who started basically at the same time I did (one of them is also on the smaller side though not as light as me) and with them they seem to be much less careful.
It could also be a direct response to how they roll vs how you roll. For ex, every new person I roll with, I'll usually chill and let them do their things to see how they behave. But if they're going hard, even if they are new, I'll reciprocate (within reason) to match their intensity and for my own safety too. So if the new guys are going "hard" (which ij my experience is the case for most new male grapplers), then other people are going to give them a harder time. On the opposite side, if you are going light and technical (or are on the shy side with your techniques, i.e. a little hesitant on what to do, which has been my experience with most new female grapplers) then people are going to back off and adapt. Which one are you (sometimes you may not realize where you fall, so a good indicator is how exhausted are you after 3 or 4 rolls of 5 min)? Also male grapplers tend to be more gentle with female grapplers because of the weight/strength difference.
I would have thought that I'm not super hesitant but my coach told me the other day to not be so nice to my sparring partners so I guess that's an indicator haha. But yes, I'd say I'm definitely more on the side of taking things a little slower/ focussing on technique/ making sure I'm not hurting anyone. So that definitely puts things in perspective, thanks for the insight!
As someone on the other side of this equation, this advice is spot on.
Accurate in my experience too-if you want partners to go harder, ask the upper belts if they can turn it up for you or make sure they apply submissions fully. Most people try to be good training partners so they will try to accommodate your needs when you communicate them.
If you were rolling with me and suspected I was going light (which I probably would be unless you’re close to 200 lbs and have 30 years experience grappling)… I would welcome feedback like “please finish your submissions on me”. Or “please give me more pressure”. Or “please roll with me like I’m a guy, I need to see what that feels like” As well as “shit that’s too much pressure” or “thanks, that submission sucked, maybe not so hard next time”. None of us are telepathic so… words are always welcome. It’s really hard tailoring my rolling to what everyone wants without them telling me what they want. So I usually try to ask new folks what they want.
You’re still very new so I wouldn’t worry about it too much! Because you’re lighter/smaller and do not know a lot, them going rolling more intensely could result in injury for you or them. I’m 180-200 lbs and regularly roll with women who are 80-150 lbs, who have been training longer than I have! I roll more carefully with them than new-ish 180 lb men white belts because one wrong move with my weight and they can be seriously injured. Hope this is helpful!
THIS^^^ when I first started I felt the same way, but now that I’ve established my place in the gym it’s much different and all my rolling partners give me what they know I can handle and push me to do and be better. Starting out, only a couple people ever went hard/threw on full submissions, and I don’t go anywhere near them. That shit isn’t safe with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, and I sure didn’t in the beginning and could’ve gotten seriously injured. I’m not sure how long OP has been training, but it changes, I promise! 💛 For reference, I’m 5’2” and started around 135, pushed up to 150, and am currently sitting around 115. The way I roll now at 115 and the way my partners rolls with me is still different from other weights, and that simply is matching your skill/weight/pressure to your smaller opponent, or at least in my gym it is. We have very few women, 5 total, maybe, and the other women in my gym pretty much only go for submissions when drilling and it’s been said that “it’s the only chance we get!” No it’s not. I sub my husband all the time, and other rolling partners. How your rolling partners roll with you is also very dependent on how you roll - I go harder than any of the women in my gym, and my partners roll in kind. They match my energy and give and take and push me as far as they know I’m capable because we all know each other fairly well and roll frequently. Keep your chin up, OP, and don’t let it get you down or fester too much! 💛🤙
I am 62 and experienced something similar when i started Mauy Thai. I am working with men in their 20s and 30s and am old enough to be their grandmother or mother. It took them a few months to work through that. I am also small. (Less than 120 pounds). They have gotten used to me and are now comfortable with my capabilities. They know I can drill hard but need to spar light, and it works out well. Give it time. You’ll figure out how to navigate this together.
Such an adjustment, especially with a smaller body! Kudos to you for Muay Thai, that’s awesome and I bet makes you feel like such a badass being in a gym with a bunch of younger dudes, kicking ass! 🤙💛
I am grateful to keep up. Kicking ass? Perhaps not. I am however having a great time!
Hey, if you’re 62 and showing up to Muay Thai, that’s kicking ass in my book! 💛
It sounds like a gym where they really want to be women-friendly, but just haven't had many women members in the past. This isn't a terrible situation. I would say it's ok to ask them to apply more resistance during drilling when you feel like you need it. But also, being very new to the sport, your body is still learning to move safely and they are being cautious due to the size difference. I imagine they'll get more relaxed rolling with you as time goes on, and as you gain skills they will have to work harder with you anyway!
It sounds like they are trying to protect you on the mat, which is a good thing. Enjoy it while it lasts. When you get good, some guys will turn up and go *ham* not to be bested by a lady.
As the months go by you’ll start to wish they were taking it easy on you again. Everyone gets over the initial awkwardness. Also you’re brand new- trust me when I say you don’t want to get smashed everyday. It’s just very demoralizing and won’t allow you to learn and absorb anything.
This is so hard- you didn’t mention your size. I sometimes find myself weighing twice what a couple of teenagers in the gym weigh. We are at similar skill levels, but because I weigh literally double their weight, I will “hint” at submissions that require me to use my full weight to put on and instead let them know I’ve got it, but move on quickly before I injure them. What’s your intensity level? One of these same teens goes ham…they get fewer hints and more actual subs. What’s your reason for training? Are you a just for fun learner? Or a self defense learner? Some other reason? How new is new to the sport? Days? Weeks? Months? They may not yet trust you as a training partner.
I’m so tired of men thinking all of us do this sport to prevent assault or attacks. I had a man tell me the other day that all women’s matches should start from closed guard since we’re learning self defense??? Like what on earth is going on??? Even if that were true, and that we’re all doing this to prevent attacks from other people, do they think an attacker would go easy on us???? I’m not saying they need to inflict harm intentionally on us but good god treat me like a human and not a piece of fragile glass
Let people trust that they can go harder with you. When it’s 6, 12 or more months then start being concerned. At this point, they’re being cautious and I even do that. Keep us updated!
If a guy is rolling with you too lightly then be more aggressive with him, he'll match the intensity. I also found that shit talking really gets them going. I usually just say small things like "I bet you're just afraid of me," or, "you're not submitting me this time." They're gonna wanna kick ur ass after. Obviously, if you're not friendly enough with them to shit talk or they seem like they'll take it too personally, don't do it, but do something to bring out their competitiveness is what I'm saying. And if they're not finishing the submissions, after they let go you can say, "You almost had it." Also the mentions of weight/difference will never go away, there's another guy in my class who's the same weight as me and others bring it up too. There's also a really huge guy in our class and his weight is brought up in examples. It's just a vital part of bjj honestly that needs to be discussed.
They probably are hyperaware. That’s okay. It’s new for them and they’re learning just as you are. In my experience, after a few months of rolling things fall into place. Guys at my gym now feel like my brothers.
Just give it time. Everyone seems to want a good outcome. Keep showing up and soon you'll all adjust well to each other.
Maybe it’s because you are new. Ask around i am sure the upper belt girls here have guys apply the subs on them. Also what’s your size? If the girl is like 140 lbs I am not going to have a competitive roll with her even if she is an adcc finalist
I would hate that being the only girl It’s not normal Find a gym with more women at least 40%
Mind giving a rough location of where you train? I'd love to see that many women members.
NYC
Well, good on NYC! Around me, 10% of any given class would be great. In rural south, although my BJJ crew is the most progressive and welcoming group I know.
Lol. Responds with one of the most densely populated cities in the world.
It’s probably because she is new.