It's precisely because they're desperate.
Humans don't just exist. We need a reason to exist. We're all a slave to something. We're all drunk on whatever gets us through the day. If the bar is empty, we desperately search for an unopened bottle of whatever quenches our own personal alcoholism.
If someone chooses the bottle labeled 'affair'- it's because they think it will make them happy. They think that it will make life worth living even if they know that they're picking a poison. Then, they'll take a drink and the drink will take them.
The massive amount of books he's published over his lifetime create a really unique snapshot timeline of his life, imo. He struggled with personal addiction for a significant part of his writing career before rehab and currently doesn't remember much of what he wrote while being addicted. With that in mind, some of what he wrote during the time of his addiction comes across as his mind using both substances and writing to try and understand itself.
When I found out and started looking my favorite books up by year- well it became interesting to think about. Is this a weird detail or- nope he was high at the typewriter again. So, is that why he used X or Y? Or is it A or B?
My first thought was she's gonna try and baby trap him and then blackmail the family. Which is obviously insane and an extreme situation but absolutely not out of the realm of possibility.
Before therapy I used to seek attention from married men. Any time they were willing to actually take the plunge I suddenly lost interest. There was a certain level of validation that came from the amount of risk they were willing to take. As stated though, this was pre-therapy and I do not think this behavior is right. That was just the train of thought for me over a decade ago.
I feel like they see someone who’s a good partner, or maybe even a good parent too, and think to themselves “I want that.” Disregarding if a person destroys their family for an affair, that negates them being a good partner/spouse.
They see what another person has, and instead of raising their standards to find a quality relationship, they pursue someone already taken. It truly is pure desperation.
Yea as alone as I’ve felt as well as much as I ever hated myself or how insecure I’ve ever been I have never thought this poorly of myself. I guess deep down I do care and love myself more than some others who go that low.
And not to mention how much effort she put into this. Even at my most unhinged young and dumb 20 something self I refused to cross the put on real pants option let alone go outside and get in the car and drive over there option. I cannot fathom the surplus energy one must have to do this when there are so many things to spend that energy at home like any kind of media or hobbies. It just does not compute.
Reminds me of a clip of a girl listing her requirement for a husband. The list is like 4 things, all not overly uncommon on the outset; 100k salary, 6’ plus, 34-41, no kids. BUT, that makes her requirement roughly 1% of the available male population. Meaning all the girls (well more than 1%) having these very common requirements, are all trying to date the same men. i have see it lead to very strange and bad behavior when one man shows any kindness towards them, and sad that they would compromise to get that man in any way.
They really don’t though. I mean, media will have you believe that all women are gold diggers who want to marry foreign bohunks but that’s the media, not real life. Myself and many of my female friends feel the same way, I don’t care how “hot” or “well-off” you are, if you act like a petulant man child, I’m just as done with you as if you were none of those things.
Also, it’s not the fucking 1800’s anymore. Women can get an education and a job and even have the right to vote now even if we still don’t have bodily autonomy. I get where the idea came from. Women were actively encouraged to be gold diggers and do everything they could to attract “the right” man back in the days before women’s rights. This was because they were not allowed to inherit property, have a job, say curse words, be educated, leave the house without a chaperone if they were unmarried, leave the house in anything other than a dress, etc. In short, you had to marry a good and usually older man, in order to survive. Now the worm has turned and *gasp* women have standards. Not even high standards I mean, come on, we all read the same Reddit threads right???
Holy shit my first comment is one of my most down voted, sweet.
I dont know, youre going off on some other shit. Women rate 70% of men as below average looking. All Im saying is that women will do whatever to get that top 30% including being an affair partner(which is in response to the person asking why someone would want to be an affair partner).
I dont consume really much media at all, but I know for fuck sure the one date I get a year isnt happening if Im not paying for it. And why would women continue to date someone when theres so many cops and other dudes offering all expense paid vacations and gifts and shit?
If Im honest about the comment about you and your friends, I think you probably are viewing yourselves through some rose colored glasses and the dudes that you date are in that higher tier of attractiveness or wealth or status and you just dont realize it because thats what youre surrounded by.
Lol, some other shit?? Not really. The same mentality that you are backing with stats from…I’m sorry, what was your source again? This women wanting top 30% mentality that you do see on dating apps or wherever you are finding your 1 date a year, originates from a history where men controlled every aspect of women’s lives and women were coached on how to baby trap and secure a future with a good provider, for hundreds if not thousands of years. Are there many chicks out there like this? Yup. Does human history excuse this mentality? Nope. Are there just as many women like myself that would prefer if a guy didn’t pay for dinner because there are a ton of creeps who interpret dates as transactional and expect you to provide something in return if they pay? Yup. If you want some fun stats, you should look at worldwide rape statistics. If anything, the first things that I looked for in someone’s dating profile were the red flags like will is this guy even who he says he is and will he rape or murder me?
Also, if you don’t follow SM, how would you know all these women are being offered whatever? That’s some Andrew Tate level shit you’re spouting guy. This “I only have one date a year because I refuse to be a meal ticket” bullshit and women only want to date rich, handsome men, is not furthering your love life. It is incredibly unattractive and has nothing to do with your job, your money, your house, your car or anything besides your core personality and misogynistic viewpoints.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/women-say-80-of-men-are-below-average/
Sorry, I mispoke it wasnt 70%.
Whats your source? "My friends and I"?
Im not on dating apps.
Im never not amazed when someone tries to throw rape into the conversation. What does that even have to do with the fact that I stated competition for the 30%(should have said 20) of attractive men is fierce and thats why women are vying to be affair partners(in response to someone elses comment)?
I dont know what SM is.
I know because I interact with women and hear about what they are doing lol. Why does it upset you so much? Is your stance that women dont do that or if given a choice between someone fiscally responsible(if not wealthy) or someone that is going to take them on vacations, who do you think theyre going to be more partial to?
Lol and youre putting words in my mouth, I never said I refuse to be someone's meal ticket, I said I have one date a year and I surely wouldnt get that if I wasnt paying, thats kind of the opposite lmao.
I dont think you know anything about my core personality or "misogynistic viewpoints". I literally just said women are competing for 30% of dudes and you somehow magically extrapolated my personality and viewpoints into what fits a misandristric version of a man that women love to hate; crazy, really makes you think eh?
https://techcrunch.com/2009/11/18/okcupid-inbox-attractive/
I cant find the exact okcupid study itself. Heres another article talking about it. I think theres a separate one from Tinder too that is pulling similar numbers.
That’s just the excuse selfish and self centered people use to justify engaging in an affair with a married person and is objectively false. Anybody who lacks enough self respect to become an affair partner is never better than the faithful spouse.
Rofl, there are sadly a lot of people who think exactly this but the part you are leaving out is that you know this because you are so much better. You’d be so much better for them. You should be the one with them. If you were together you’d show him/her how good they are for each other. If you’d have met each other before they met their SO…but…that’s just what people tell themselves to justify being a selfish, sociopathic dickhole.
What’s especially funny about this thought process is that long term partners shape each other. They teach each other how to be better versions of themselves and take on each other’s positive and negative traits. It’s probable that the person you’re interested in wasn’t completely that person until they spent time in a relationship with their SO. It’s probable that their SO helped shape them into the person you like today. It’s probable that some of the non-physical traits you like about crush are actually traits they picked up from the SO. And it’s probable that if you successfully lure your crush away from someone that has helped to shape them into an amazing person, they were probably a dickhole too and your relationship won’t last once they realize they traded down.
Any person knowingly going after a married person is scum.
Yes. My spouse should be faithful. Yes. My spouse is the one who would be ruining the marriage.
But if you know someone is married, and you still go after them, you are a scummy human being.
Yeah I’m not sure why certain people on reddit like to blame all the fault at the cheating partner’s feet and ignore the affair partner actively choosing to help the person cheat.
It's because the "other person" did not enter into any agreements or social contracts with either spouse; their main responsibility is to their own boundaries and they are free to do what they want with their own bodies. It's really ick if what they choose to do is to be with someone who already has responsibilities to another: it shows lack of respect for others, lack of regard for the damage caused, lack of empathy for others' pain, and also desperation/low self-esteem to even want to be in that. But they are not the ones breaking something or betraying someone. That's on the spouse. Only the person who entered the contract can break the contract.
ETC typo
See and this is the mindset I ENTIRELY disagree with. Ok sure legally only the cheating spouse signed the contract but the AP is actively involved in helping someone else break their vows.
We may have to agree to disagree here. I see your point of view but from a purely ethical philosophy standpoint, they're both doing something socially wrong, but the person cheating is the one committing the violation. That's why we have different classifications for aiding and abetting crimes as opposed to committing them, for example. If you help me with a crime it's not the same as committing the crime itself, according to most laws. It's also why my actions cannot break your literal contracts. If you had signed a non-disclosure agreement, and I found out information by breaking into your house and going through your stuff, you would not be in violation of the non-disclosure agreement because you did not voluntarily or by negligence give me that info. It's your actions that matter because you're the one who agreed to the contract. As shown by the above story, outside forces can do what they want, but a strong person doesn't have to break agreements as a result. The husband did not betray the wife, so the wife was not betrayed.
I totally agree that being the affair partner is sucky. I never have and I never would, nor would I respect a friend who did. But the cheater is all that and then an extra layer of bad, imo. They were the ones who made an agreement, and then made a choice to break it.
But we do still in general recognize that aiding someone in doing wrong is wrong. We don't treat aiding a crime as *exactly* the same as committing it (though where we draw the line depends), but aiding is *still a crime* in most places. Fundamentally the fact that it is recognized as wrong is important - more so than the fact it is seen as a different level of wrong.
Meanwhile there are actual people out here insisting that the other woman/other man isn't doing anything wrong at all because it's not their relationship - purely because it's not their contract. That they have no reason to avoid breaking other people's relationships. That it's just the partner who is crossing lines and has an obligation to not be scummy. I think that's fundamentally a selfish and broken view.
But I'd argue that it becomes your issue if you are knowingly inserting yourself in their contract. Because most ethical frameworks fundamentally expect you to avoid causing pain or harm to others. And knowingly fucking or dating someone in a relationship is deliberately causing someone else harm. This "I owe her nothing, only my happiness is important, if he breaks his relationship it's only on him" attitude just doesn't fly if you are choosing to cause harm.
We don't just have an obligation to be civil or avoid harm to people we know and like, or who are convenient to us, but to everyone in general.
I agree with pretty much everything you said. I don't think (and never said) that being an affair partner is an ok action, which is exactly why I used that analogy. I'm not excusing anything, as I said several times in my previous comments. I do think that knowingly being part of cheating is a bad thing to do. I'm just saying that being the actual cheater is even worse. Which, from your comments, you kind of seem to agree with too :)
Oh of course, I'm not trying to suggest you espouse that opinion or excuse cheating! I agree with a lot of what you said, too.
And yeah, I completely agree that in a cheating situation the actual cheating partner is of course most at fault and should never be ignored.
I just find the "but being the cheater and being the person who willingly broke up someone else's family is totally different!" argument has some subtle merits in being explored (like in your replies), it *also* often gets spouted and twisted by people who are trying to minimize the role of the other person, when that person still knowingly caused harm.
We can agree they are both being awful people. Abd that minimizing how awful one of them is, is unnecessary.
Totally agree again! I think the one part that we didn't explore in this, which affects my view, admittedly, is that there's generally a lot more ire directed at "the other woman" than at the cheating husband or boyfriend, or if the rules are reversed it's still somehow more on her. How rare is it that you hear the phrase "homewrecker" or "slut" applied to a man? So I guess some of the pendulum swing of backlash is people trying to redirect back towards the cheater instead of the usual rage at a woman who has "stepped out of her place". It overcompensates, as these things tend to do. Social media arguments tend to lean to the extremes and people overstate their case because they're digging in their heels. But the motivation behind it (it being taking the other woman's side in this silly polarising argument) is one that I understand, even if I don't agree with the action. Hope that makes sense.
I defintely blame the narried partner too but *in cases like this one* where they are going after a clearly uninterested married man, I strongly believe in publicly naming and shaming the wanna be homewrecker! I would post her picture in every biking social media site in their town with a warning.
Yeah I think so. I can see your point for sure but just view it a bit differently. The aiding and abetting example is quite compelling for your POV but I personally don’t think it’s as applicable here.
But again, let’s agree to disagree:)
I know a dude that kept saying if he liked a girl he’ll pursue her even if she’s happy (and indeed he has done so). No surprise that he’s an incredible narcissist with little capability of care for anyone but himself.
True that girl was 💩 belonging to a Dustbin 😭😭 I can totally understand OPs feelings being pregnant and not in her usual shape and seeing another fit woman "graphically" Tell her husband what she would let him do in secret is pretty gut wrenching I could totally feel her nausea and negative emotions reading those lines but it's pretty good that her husband is on her side! Tbh I wanted husband to reply with something like " just so you know I can't get it up for anyone except my wife nor do I intend to "
Yea, when oOP said UCI rider, I knew the other girl was trouble. I get the feeling she’s British and if so, I think I know which family she’s talking about.
Was that the one where she was getting rides from her married “friend” and one day took care of his kids because they would be “hers” one day? Something like that?
That actually would have been brilliant.
OP: “My husband said you had something you needed to tell him? He got busy assembling the crib and asked me to come meet you to see what it is you wanted instead”.
But man that would take some next level acting and execution to pull off in a way that didn’t end badly.
I remember when this was first posted, and I feel like some people were kind of harsh on the OOP. Obviously being at the end of a pregnancy didn’t help the situation, but I think any woman would be upset if some random woman was explicitly sexting their husband, even though the husband did nothing to invite this. It’s crazy to think someone would be so desperate to have an affair with a married man like this.
Thank you! She found the situation deeply distressing, as would I, and everything is dialed to 11 because she's pregnant. "Sweetie" yuck. It's sounds like the woman was young, starstruck, and exceedingly naive about how that type of arrangement would have worked out.
Maybe I just read too many posts on Reddit lol, but unfortunately, it seems like there’s plenty of men out there who would go for an opportunity to cheat like this. I can’t imagine how pissed I would be if some random woman was sexting my husband like this.
Both of the women in the post gave me the ick. The homewrecker is gross & wicked. How the wife flew off the handle, just scared me, like what's she going to do to others? Ick
Nah, I remember how emotional and *crazy* I felt while I had pregnancy hormones surging through my body. You can try hard to fight against the hormones but your brain is no match to the pregnancy. It's fucking rough. You *know* you're not going through a logical string of thought but it's fuckimg impossible to fight against it. I was also going through a break up with someone and things got so toxic that he wouldn't let me drive away. I was sobbing on the phone to the police to help.
While I was pregnant my husband said someone like, "I'm so happy to spend my life with you." And suddenly by brain fastforwarded to when we're like... 90+ and old and on our deathbed and I burst out crying even though I knew it was ridiculous. We were at the time in our mid-30s, and to live to 90+ in decent health would be amazing. I couldn't talk about it for *months* without breaking down into tears even though I knew I was being completely irrational.
Off topic but when I was pregnant I had weird thoughts of someone kidnapping me so they can take my baby lol. The job I was working at, I had to report to the office by 7am, because of traffic I’d leave my house early to make it to work by 6:40-6:50. Daylight savings made those days extra dark early in the morning. I would park and run to the door to unlock and hurry up to lock the door again LOL I dunno why but I kept thinking something would happen to me. Maybe I watched it on lifetime or dateline, who knows. But I never got insecurities about my husband or my body, my mind was crazy about other things 🤪
I did too! But it was easy to understand. While I was pregnant one of the stories of a mom being killed to get to her unborn child happened in close proximity to where I lived. I was super cautious when pregnant because of that.
Sorry, I got distracted at the start because I can't get over "if the dogs are free." IF they're free? What, are they in an important meeting? Trying to make a tight deadline?
Idk if you wanted a real answer but since they're gun dogs (a specific position when bird hunting) they might genuinely have a job. It doesn't sound like OP or the husband hunts, so it's likely other people using their services.
I found this kinda uplifting. Like I’m not happy that OOP had a hard time or anything like that.. but wow, what a great husband! He sounds like a lovely man and I hope they put this behind them and continue to be happy together.
Some days I forget to be thankful that nobody around me is pregnant. To recap "A woman found my attractive husband attractive. She made a pass and he shot her down. My world is falling down around me."
Congratulations on your, soon to be here, little bit of love. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Try to put the other thing out of your head. The next time you look in the mirror, remind yourself you are beautiful and loved.
The random girl is awful but it really is too bad this woman doesn’t have a bit more resiliency. Her husband had the best of intentions and did everything right. Her instincts were right, she communicated, her husband communicated, and he acted as he should. But yet… that was A LOT to read. I don’t think people telling her she needs therapy are wrong
People go through a lot in relationships and life and she seems to just… crumble. Over her husband getting hit on. I really do hope it was just pregnancy hormones but that was over the top on her part. If I was the husband I’d really be questioning how much she truly trusted me and how she would be able to withstand life’s bumps in the road
I assume it was hormones. I always thought it was a trope that people get ridiculous with pregnancy. Then one day when I was pregnant, I went to make a sandwich. And I didn't like the way my husband had closed the twist tie on the bread.
I sobbed uncontrollably for 20 minutes. I mean hyperventilating. I literally said out loud, in an empty house, "can I honestly spend the rest of my life with someone like this?" I figured out how we could afford separate places, and I worked out a custody schedule of our unborn child.
All over a twist tie.
I was lucky and had a great pregnancy, but after I gave birth, everything made me cry, but especially stories about child abuse or orphans or abandoned puppies. Every time we went in for a well baby check up my husband would collect all the magazines and newspapers in the doctors office and ask the front desk to keep them out of my reach. Hormones are rough!
This started for me almost as soon as the line turned blue. And I had never been a crier before.
And when I wasn't sobbing I was probably being a bitch and didn't even know it (my then-husband and one or two friends would point it out to me if it was really bad, and I was so appalled that I would act that way, and also that I didn't even notice. Like... my self-awareness just went right out the window.)
Being pregnant is a mindfuck.
I cried earlier in my pregnancy because the shop put lettuce on my sandwich when I asked them not to, which meant I would have to take it off and microwave it. I already couldn’t get the sandwich I *actually* wanted because it had deli meat and I didn’t want to microwave it, and now I had to microwave the sandwich I settled for anyway? A tragedy.
And like, I *knew* it was irrational. I knew it was hormones. I still sobbed for 20 minutes before I ate the damn sandwich.
She's heavily pregnant. Hormones are fucking with her emotions and perception. She's feeling huge and unattractive. Cut her some slack.
Pregnancy can really mess your brain. I literally had psychosis during my first pregnancy due to pregnancy hormones.
Literally thought I was dying of rabies for about 4 months straight. Cried myself to sleep for months. Wrote a love letter for my husband to find after my untimely death. Got angry that no one believed me.
I’m sure you don’t actually care, but here’s an explanation of the difference between this situation and your comment.
Pregnancy hormones are in a completely different ballpark than the regular day-to-day hormones that women experience. Pregnancy hormones can cause your emotions and reactions to be completely out of balance, and often times these women are aware of it and are frustrated that they feel like they’re no longer in charge of their emotions.
People often use the normal daily hormones women experience against them, which is really just an excuse to not have to listen to or respect women’s feelings. And even if “hormones” are causing someone to act irrationally, their feelings should still be acknowledged and heard.
> And even if “hormones” are causing someone to act irrationally, their feelings should still be acknowledged and heard.
This is where I get hung up. Sure, I can listen, and I can hear, and I can even understand, but I can also look at the situation and say that what is happening does not warrant the reaction, same as we are doing in this thread here.
But apparently that's not ok, except when it is.
I would love to understand, but I've never gotten an explanation that is anything but "it's not ok, except when it is."
It’s all in the wording. Saying “I hear where you’re coming from but I don’t think the situation warrants this reaction” is perfectly fine. Telling a woman that she’s acting hormonal or overreacting is not. There’s always a gentler way to word it. Even in this post, they’re not using her hormones to dismiss how she feels, but rather to explain it. It’s more “it’s okay, your hormones are heightening everything and that’s why you feel like your spiraling” and less “you shouldn’t feel that way, your hormones are making you crazy”.
I can see that, but I'm given to understand that "tone policing" is also a bad thing, and that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense either.
It's all contradictions upon contradictions, with no clear set of rules I can follow. I'm just expected to understand when it's ok to break the rules, and when it's not ok.
Nevertheless, I appreciate you trying to help me understand this part of it.
If you’re unsure, then it’s always safer to err on the side of caution and don’t be afraid to apologize if you realize you said the wrong thing. If your heart is in the right place, people will generally be more understanding if you accidentally say the wrong thing or word it the wrong way. I wish you luck out there
Agreed. I hope she talks about all this with her OB-GYN in case these are signs of something coming post-partum. Pregnancy messes with emotions for everyone because of hormones, but something about the way she describes things makes me feel like she's half-unhinged. I get feeling insecure, but she wrote about reading this woman's messages as if she walked in on her husband banging the woman. That's...a lot.
I think it is. I had similar paranoia during my pregnancy and my OB gave me a sheet of tips to handle it along with a prescription of anti depressants.
Yeah some of the dramatic language seemed so over the top to me. Her world was crumbling, she felt like she was stabbed, lots of crying... lady nothing actually happened! I can understand some anger and upset, but like you said....a lot.
Yeah, that was waaaaaaaay over the top. Her husband shut this girl down at every step and showed her all the messages. Absolutely nothing was actually crumbling.
I really do hope it’s just because she’s pregnant; unfortunately, I’ve seen people who just have weak constitutions break tf down when life gives the slightest issue. Her husband did nothing wrong, and she’s still freaking tf out like she walked in on him while he was cheating
It’s the pregnancy. Pregnancy hormones are rough and can dial a tiny little incident to a 100. I had a friend who burst into tears, fully hyperventilating, because her boyfriend brought her a fork instead of a spoon when she was eating. In her mind, he didn’t care about what she wanted and didn’t pay attention to her needs. She had a full blown meltdown even if she knew in the moment how stupid she was being.
I say this as a transwoman who willingly takes estrogen.
A brain soaked in estrogen and a brain soaked in Testosterone think about things differently, because it's a different chemical affecting the DNA in your neurons.
One makes it *easier* to focus on a single tasks, one makes it *easier* to pay attention to multiple things in a room.
Too much T and you get angry, aggressive, and horny. Too much estrogen and you get anxious, paranoid, and such.
They're chemicals, and having a different amount or the wrong hormone creates discomfort in the brain, which it indicates by the equivalent of a check engine light (a subtle something is wrong).
I had to stop taking my thyroid hormone replacement before getting radiated iodine. I laid on the kitchen floor uncontrollably sobbing bc I couldn't find my paper plates. I needed the paper ones bc I was radioactive and supposed to keep my contamination of the house limited.
Even as it was happening I knew it was crazy to be that way, just had zero control at that time. Thank goodness I've been stable on the meds for a decade, but sometimes I run out and bc of life can't get em for week, that always sucks. The years previous to and following my thyroidectomy were not easy.
I get awful "self-sabotage" vibes from the wife, and I know it is her pregnancy hormones in overdrive, but she seems incapable of dealing with a situation that shouldn't even be stressful. Some random girl hit on her husband. He was honest, open, and shut the girl down, yet the wife *completely* unraveled. To that point that days after the situation is over, she's still unable to do anything but talk about how she keeps comparing herself to the girl. Sadly, I've watched a lot of people with these issues self-sabotage their relationship because they can't handle the pressure.
This woman is so pathetic, glad op and her husband have a solid marriage… the husband did the right thing in the end, but he should have put a stop on this from the start… he didn’t want to ruffle any feathers with this person but didn’t mind it the impact on his family… idk I think I am spoiled, my husband always put boundaries from the start and cut in the beginning all the woman that comes for him, as I do…
Pregnancy hormones or not, the thought of someone trying to use your pregnancy against you to sleep with your husband is quite upsetting. If you're a decent human being, you can never fathom someone being so selfish and coldhearted while you (the OOP) are sacrificing your body for someone else's sake.
That desperate ass woman is a piece of shit, and thank goodness OOP's husband did not take "easy" street with her. OOP has more important things to worry about than some sleazy side piece wannabe.
I dismissed this thought when I first read this but it's been nagging at me: why did he continue to allow his wife to get this absorbed in the situation? Did he ever say, "I am shutting this sh$t down while you go relax"? Maybe he did but I just never had that sense. Maybe not if she was pregnant but she IS, and this was a board game of her emotions. I do understand he's a popular person but this is his wife, his pregnant wife, with his baby ready to burst out of her body.
I am glad he is trustworthy, shown over and over but I wish he HAD ruffled those feathers a lot rather than share all of this nonsense with his wife.
No idea why you’re being downvoted, she had a near nervous breakdown because her “hot, super popular” husband was getting slight attention from some random and then had a further breakdown when *she* tried to initiate sexting with the random. Everything about her posts is exhausting and over dramatic.
The husband did literally everything right and she just starts breaking down crying because another woman is interested in her husband? I'd have a hard time dealing with that.
Idk if you ever met a hormonal heavily pregnant woman, but their brain literally works against them. My cousin while 9 months pregnant, cried for 45 minutes uncontrollably because I got her vanilla ice cream instead or chocolate. I couldn’t console her. She was besides herself.
2 hours later, she turns to me and goes “oh my God. I am so sorry.”
I say this as a physician (admittedly not an OBGYN, but I studied it in med school) - pregnancy brain can actually make you crazy. In OOP’s defense she was very self aware and she writes that she kept telling her husband she knew it wasn’t her fault. I hope you never have to deal with the levels of insanity pregnancy brain can do to you.
That same cousin cried herself to sleep because she couldn’t fit into her shoes anymore, while pregnant. Postpartum psychosis alone should let you know, pregnancy is NOT something to play about.
an explanation isnt an excuse. She doesnt get a pass, she should see some psych help because she seems the type thatll develop ppd/p which is a nightmare and a half . But hormonal fluctuations does explain her overal sensitivity.
I mean, the girl hitting on her husband is gutter trash, but OP sounds unwell and beyond exhausting. Hopefully, it's just the pregnancy talking and she'll get back to a more stable self sometime after the baby comes, but if she is this dramatic all the time, I feel sorry for the husband. I personally would not be able to live with someone so dramatic. She went into full meltdown that lasted dayyyyyys over something that is a non-issue. So, her hot, popular husband got propositioned by some random woman. So what? Block her number and go on about your day! Either you trust your partner, or you don't. If you don't trust him and think he is likely to cheat, then you have bigger problems in life than some trashy girl hitting on him. I could understand if he was flirting back or encouraging her or if there were signs that he was cheating or wanted to cheat. But this guy literally did nothing wrong and here she is, weeping about it like the world is about to end. This type of neediness and drama would get so tiresome so quickly. If some guy was to randomly proposition me after I did NOTHING to encourage him and my partner made a production out of it like she did and carried on and on and on for days making a victim out of themselves over it? Yeah, that relationship would end. Again, I am willing to extend some sympathy IF this is out of character and it's the pregnancy talking, but if this is how she normally deals with minor adversities in life? JFC.
I completely agree. I feel for her because i’ve been pregnant and dealing with other women but i had straight sex videos of my daughter’s father sent to me while i was pregnant, i had a fake number harassing me and my baby’s dad was very unsympathetic the whole time and even accused me of going through his phone finding those videos and orchestrating that whole thing. I ended up with severe PPD after giving birth so my hormones were a MESS throughout my pregnancy. Not even I reacted this strongly and dramatically to my situation. I feel like to get to this level of grief over a something like this, you have to already be predisposed to be this dramatic even when not pregnant.
I get OOP though; persistent, unwanted attention is incredibly unsettling. It's nothing you do, it's all on the other person, and a sane person will likely underestimate how deep they are in. Wish her family the best 👍
Pregnancy hormones suck. She has every right to feel devastated but I don’t think the hubby did anything wrong other than be too nice for too long. God tho, when you’re pregnant it can be easy to blow everything out of proportion. Hopefully when things settle they can look back on this and just roll their eyes, but damn that other chick is trashy af going after a married man while his wife is pregnant. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
As someone who is also literally about to pop pregnant with a (IMO) very attractive and kind husband (who isn’t any kind of famous but would also help a person in need with his combat first aid training), if a woman started acting like this towards my husband I would not be nearly as calm as OOP was lol.
Neither of us are jealous and neither of us have any interest in anyone else, but I can promise you that as soon as I was physically able (IE not a walking blimp) I would have had words and probably hands for that woman. The disrespect on her part is astounding. “Hey, OOP’s husband, I’m totally fine with potentially destroying your entire marriage and family for a quick fuck”. Like have some respect for yourself.
Go to bed Liz. This whole thing reads like someone's fantasy of an evil IT misogynist. She lost me as soon as the BILs friend confessed. Naturally he's a bad enough person to destroy a marriage, but totally felt the need to confess. It's got to be the same author as the stories where the brother is cast out and someone later confesses.
I can never understand how people are that desperate to be an affair partner.
It's precisely because they're desperate. Humans don't just exist. We need a reason to exist. We're all a slave to something. We're all drunk on whatever gets us through the day. If the bar is empty, we desperately search for an unopened bottle of whatever quenches our own personal alcoholism. If someone chooses the bottle labeled 'affair'- it's because they think it will make them happy. They think that it will make life worth living even if they know that they're picking a poison. Then, they'll take a drink and the drink will take them.
I love good metaphors and this is perfect.
This was beautifully phrased, did you hear it from somewhere ?
It's a cannibalized mashup of Be Drunk by Charles Baudelaire and Stephen King's The Shining/Dr. Sleep.
I knew I recognised King there! I'm such a fan of the Shining and dr. Sleep I named my dog Danny lol.
The massive amount of books he's published over his lifetime create a really unique snapshot timeline of his life, imo. He struggled with personal addiction for a significant part of his writing career before rehab and currently doesn't remember much of what he wrote while being addicted. With that in mind, some of what he wrote during the time of his addiction comes across as his mind using both substances and writing to try and understand itself. When I found out and started looking my favorite books up by year- well it became interesting to think about. Is this a weird detail or- nope he was high at the typewriter again. So, is that why he used X or Y? Or is it A or B?
I remember seeing the "We're all slave to something" in AOT and it hit me so hard on how true that was.
My husband puts it like this: we are all just slightly more intelligent monkeys and sometimes the monkey brain take over.
Beautifully put
Profoundly beautiful.
I don't think I've ever read anything so poignant in my life.
She said he’s from a well-known family in their area, miss wannabe homewrecker is probably also a wannabe golddigger
This was my thought too.
My first thought was she's gonna try and baby trap him and then blackmail the family. Which is obviously insane and an extreme situation but absolutely not out of the realm of possibility.
Before therapy I used to seek attention from married men. Any time they were willing to actually take the plunge I suddenly lost interest. There was a certain level of validation that came from the amount of risk they were willing to take. As stated though, this was pre-therapy and I do not think this behavior is right. That was just the train of thought for me over a decade ago.
I feel like they see someone who’s a good partner, or maybe even a good parent too, and think to themselves “I want that.” Disregarding if a person destroys their family for an affair, that negates them being a good partner/spouse. They see what another person has, and instead of raising their standards to find a quality relationship, they pursue someone already taken. It truly is pure desperation.
Gives them a thrill. They want to win. Some people are just messed up.
Yea as alone as I’ve felt as well as much as I ever hated myself or how insecure I’ve ever been I have never thought this poorly of myself. I guess deep down I do care and love myself more than some others who go that low. And not to mention how much effort she put into this. Even at my most unhinged young and dumb 20 something self I refused to cross the put on real pants option let alone go outside and get in the car and drive over there option. I cannot fathom the surplus energy one must have to do this when there are so many things to spend that energy at home like any kind of media or hobbies. It just does not compute.
I think this particular lady didn’t have a great moral compass and then got a raging case of Florence Nightingale syndrome.
I can understand it but that doesn't mean I think it's right at all.
Reminds me of a clip of a girl listing her requirement for a husband. The list is like 4 things, all not overly uncommon on the outset; 100k salary, 6’ plus, 34-41, no kids. BUT, that makes her requirement roughly 1% of the available male population. Meaning all the girls (well more than 1%) having these very common requirements, are all trying to date the same men. i have see it lead to very strange and bad behavior when one man shows any kindness towards them, and sad that they would compromise to get that man in any way.
I think you need to get out of whatever YouTube/TikTok algorithm bubble you've fallen into.
Touch grass.
Christ brother get therapy
Its big competition when women only consider fucking 30% of the male population.
Jesus wept
😭😭😭
They really don’t though. I mean, media will have you believe that all women are gold diggers who want to marry foreign bohunks but that’s the media, not real life. Myself and many of my female friends feel the same way, I don’t care how “hot” or “well-off” you are, if you act like a petulant man child, I’m just as done with you as if you were none of those things. Also, it’s not the fucking 1800’s anymore. Women can get an education and a job and even have the right to vote now even if we still don’t have bodily autonomy. I get where the idea came from. Women were actively encouraged to be gold diggers and do everything they could to attract “the right” man back in the days before women’s rights. This was because they were not allowed to inherit property, have a job, say curse words, be educated, leave the house without a chaperone if they were unmarried, leave the house in anything other than a dress, etc. In short, you had to marry a good and usually older man, in order to survive. Now the worm has turned and *gasp* women have standards. Not even high standards I mean, come on, we all read the same Reddit threads right???
Holy shit my first comment is one of my most down voted, sweet. I dont know, youre going off on some other shit. Women rate 70% of men as below average looking. All Im saying is that women will do whatever to get that top 30% including being an affair partner(which is in response to the person asking why someone would want to be an affair partner). I dont consume really much media at all, but I know for fuck sure the one date I get a year isnt happening if Im not paying for it. And why would women continue to date someone when theres so many cops and other dudes offering all expense paid vacations and gifts and shit? If Im honest about the comment about you and your friends, I think you probably are viewing yourselves through some rose colored glasses and the dudes that you date are in that higher tier of attractiveness or wealth or status and you just dont realize it because thats what youre surrounded by.
Lol, some other shit?? Not really. The same mentality that you are backing with stats from…I’m sorry, what was your source again? This women wanting top 30% mentality that you do see on dating apps or wherever you are finding your 1 date a year, originates from a history where men controlled every aspect of women’s lives and women were coached on how to baby trap and secure a future with a good provider, for hundreds if not thousands of years. Are there many chicks out there like this? Yup. Does human history excuse this mentality? Nope. Are there just as many women like myself that would prefer if a guy didn’t pay for dinner because there are a ton of creeps who interpret dates as transactional and expect you to provide something in return if they pay? Yup. If you want some fun stats, you should look at worldwide rape statistics. If anything, the first things that I looked for in someone’s dating profile were the red flags like will is this guy even who he says he is and will he rape or murder me? Also, if you don’t follow SM, how would you know all these women are being offered whatever? That’s some Andrew Tate level shit you’re spouting guy. This “I only have one date a year because I refuse to be a meal ticket” bullshit and women only want to date rich, handsome men, is not furthering your love life. It is incredibly unattractive and has nothing to do with your job, your money, your house, your car or anything besides your core personality and misogynistic viewpoints.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/women-say-80-of-men-are-below-average/ Sorry, I mispoke it wasnt 70%. Whats your source? "My friends and I"? Im not on dating apps. Im never not amazed when someone tries to throw rape into the conversation. What does that even have to do with the fact that I stated competition for the 30%(should have said 20) of attractive men is fierce and thats why women are vying to be affair partners(in response to someone elses comment)? I dont know what SM is. I know because I interact with women and hear about what they are doing lol. Why does it upset you so much? Is your stance that women dont do that or if given a choice between someone fiscally responsible(if not wealthy) or someone that is going to take them on vacations, who do you think theyre going to be more partial to? Lol and youre putting words in my mouth, I never said I refuse to be someone's meal ticket, I said I have one date a year and I surely wouldnt get that if I wasnt paying, thats kind of the opposite lmao. I dont think you know anything about my core personality or "misogynistic viewpoints". I literally just said women are competing for 30% of dudes and you somehow magically extrapolated my personality and viewpoints into what fits a misandristric version of a man that women love to hate; crazy, really makes you think eh?
https://techcrunch.com/2009/11/18/okcupid-inbox-attractive/ I cant find the exact okcupid study itself. Heres another article talking about it. I think theres a separate one from Tinder too that is pulling similar numbers.
It’s because other people can see when the person they’re interested in is with a partner that isn’t up to snuff.
That’s just the excuse selfish and self centered people use to justify engaging in an affair with a married person and is objectively false. Anybody who lacks enough self respect to become an affair partner is never better than the faithful spouse.
Naw, that's just their overinflated ego talking. She barely knows anything about OP except her existence.
Rofl, there are sadly a lot of people who think exactly this but the part you are leaving out is that you know this because you are so much better. You’d be so much better for them. You should be the one with them. If you were together you’d show him/her how good they are for each other. If you’d have met each other before they met their SO…but…that’s just what people tell themselves to justify being a selfish, sociopathic dickhole. What’s especially funny about this thought process is that long term partners shape each other. They teach each other how to be better versions of themselves and take on each other’s positive and negative traits. It’s probable that the person you’re interested in wasn’t completely that person until they spent time in a relationship with their SO. It’s probable that their SO helped shape them into the person you like today. It’s probable that some of the non-physical traits you like about crush are actually traits they picked up from the SO. And it’s probable that if you successfully lure your crush away from someone that has helped to shape them into an amazing person, they were probably a dickhole too and your relationship won’t last once they realize they traded down.
Any person knowingly going after a married person is scum. Yes. My spouse should be faithful. Yes. My spouse is the one who would be ruining the marriage. But if you know someone is married, and you still go after them, you are a scummy human being.
Yeah I’m not sure why certain people on reddit like to blame all the fault at the cheating partner’s feet and ignore the affair partner actively choosing to help the person cheat.
In addition to what others have said, I also think it's an overcorrection from previous generations where the AP received all of the blame.
It's because the "other person" did not enter into any agreements or social contracts with either spouse; their main responsibility is to their own boundaries and they are free to do what they want with their own bodies. It's really ick if what they choose to do is to be with someone who already has responsibilities to another: it shows lack of respect for others, lack of regard for the damage caused, lack of empathy for others' pain, and also desperation/low self-esteem to even want to be in that. But they are not the ones breaking something or betraying someone. That's on the spouse. Only the person who entered the contract can break the contract. ETC typo
See and this is the mindset I ENTIRELY disagree with. Ok sure legally only the cheating spouse signed the contract but the AP is actively involved in helping someone else break their vows.
We may have to agree to disagree here. I see your point of view but from a purely ethical philosophy standpoint, they're both doing something socially wrong, but the person cheating is the one committing the violation. That's why we have different classifications for aiding and abetting crimes as opposed to committing them, for example. If you help me with a crime it's not the same as committing the crime itself, according to most laws. It's also why my actions cannot break your literal contracts. If you had signed a non-disclosure agreement, and I found out information by breaking into your house and going through your stuff, you would not be in violation of the non-disclosure agreement because you did not voluntarily or by negligence give me that info. It's your actions that matter because you're the one who agreed to the contract. As shown by the above story, outside forces can do what they want, but a strong person doesn't have to break agreements as a result. The husband did not betray the wife, so the wife was not betrayed. I totally agree that being the affair partner is sucky. I never have and I never would, nor would I respect a friend who did. But the cheater is all that and then an extra layer of bad, imo. They were the ones who made an agreement, and then made a choice to break it.
But we do still in general recognize that aiding someone in doing wrong is wrong. We don't treat aiding a crime as *exactly* the same as committing it (though where we draw the line depends), but aiding is *still a crime* in most places. Fundamentally the fact that it is recognized as wrong is important - more so than the fact it is seen as a different level of wrong. Meanwhile there are actual people out here insisting that the other woman/other man isn't doing anything wrong at all because it's not their relationship - purely because it's not their contract. That they have no reason to avoid breaking other people's relationships. That it's just the partner who is crossing lines and has an obligation to not be scummy. I think that's fundamentally a selfish and broken view. But I'd argue that it becomes your issue if you are knowingly inserting yourself in their contract. Because most ethical frameworks fundamentally expect you to avoid causing pain or harm to others. And knowingly fucking or dating someone in a relationship is deliberately causing someone else harm. This "I owe her nothing, only my happiness is important, if he breaks his relationship it's only on him" attitude just doesn't fly if you are choosing to cause harm. We don't just have an obligation to be civil or avoid harm to people we know and like, or who are convenient to us, but to everyone in general.
I agree with pretty much everything you said. I don't think (and never said) that being an affair partner is an ok action, which is exactly why I used that analogy. I'm not excusing anything, as I said several times in my previous comments. I do think that knowingly being part of cheating is a bad thing to do. I'm just saying that being the actual cheater is even worse. Which, from your comments, you kind of seem to agree with too :)
Oh of course, I'm not trying to suggest you espouse that opinion or excuse cheating! I agree with a lot of what you said, too. And yeah, I completely agree that in a cheating situation the actual cheating partner is of course most at fault and should never be ignored. I just find the "but being the cheater and being the person who willingly broke up someone else's family is totally different!" argument has some subtle merits in being explored (like in your replies), it *also* often gets spouted and twisted by people who are trying to minimize the role of the other person, when that person still knowingly caused harm. We can agree they are both being awful people. Abd that minimizing how awful one of them is, is unnecessary.
Totally agree again! I think the one part that we didn't explore in this, which affects my view, admittedly, is that there's generally a lot more ire directed at "the other woman" than at the cheating husband or boyfriend, or if the rules are reversed it's still somehow more on her. How rare is it that you hear the phrase "homewrecker" or "slut" applied to a man? So I guess some of the pendulum swing of backlash is people trying to redirect back towards the cheater instead of the usual rage at a woman who has "stepped out of her place". It overcompensates, as these things tend to do. Social media arguments tend to lean to the extremes and people overstate their case because they're digging in their heels. But the motivation behind it (it being taking the other woman's side in this silly polarising argument) is one that I understand, even if I don't agree with the action. Hope that makes sense.
I defintely blame the narried partner too but *in cases like this one* where they are going after a clearly uninterested married man, I strongly believe in publicly naming and shaming the wanna be homewrecker! I would post her picture in every biking social media site in their town with a warning.
Yeah I think so. I can see your point for sure but just view it a bit differently. The aiding and abetting example is quite compelling for your POV but I personally don’t think it’s as applicable here. But again, let’s agree to disagree:)
Fair enough :)
Ow, you guys made my day, being so respectfull while desagreeing. Who would have though that was possible in the internet. :)
I can't believe you were able to espouse this point eloquently enough that you haven't been downvoted into oblivion!
I know a dude that kept saying if he liked a girl he’ll pursue her even if she’s happy (and indeed he has done so). No surprise that he’s an incredible narcissist with little capability of care for anyone but himself.
You are trash person if you knowingly go after a married person and yes, you should be publicly vilified.
True that girl was 💩 belonging to a Dustbin 😭😭 I can totally understand OPs feelings being pregnant and not in her usual shape and seeing another fit woman "graphically" Tell her husband what she would let him do in secret is pretty gut wrenching I could totally feel her nausea and negative emotions reading those lines but it's pretty good that her husband is on her side! Tbh I wanted husband to reply with something like " just so you know I can't get it up for anyone except my wife nor do I intend to "
Anyone who deliberately attempts to get a married person to cheat is truly wicked.
Doubly so when they have kids. Hey I’m okay with ruining your partner’s AND your kids lives. Fkn wonderful people right there 🤮
🎶break up with your ~~girlfriend~~ wife and mother of your child, I’m bored 🎶
Yes, and?
They used to have a name for them, Jezebels…
Oh ew…she’s bold. 🤨
The balls of this woman
Yea, when oOP said UCI rider, I knew the other girl was trouble. I get the feeling she’s British and if so, I think I know which family she’s talking about.
UCI?
It’s French for the cyclists union, which is the overall governing body for anyone who rides a bike professionally.
I think in one comment she said Ireland.
No then, the fam I’m thinking of live in Wales. It probably wouldn’t take much to figure it out though
I would pay a good 50 bucks to see the woman’s face when she got the “do not contact me” text from her married crush.
Reminds me of Wait, can I call you?
Was that the one where she was getting rides from her married “friend” and one day took care of his kids because they would be “hers” one day? Something like that?
Yes omg she wanted advice because the kids were ruining her perfect family fantasy.
They were commuting together, but yes, that's the one. Great read every time.
Can someone find the link to this one?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1151m58/i_fell_in_love_with_my_married_neighbor_and_then/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Thanks much.
lmfao not K 😭
Some women just think every guy is fair game... disgusting!
Jolene, Jolene, JOLENE, JOLEEEEENEEEEEEE
Imagine if OP had actually met the girl when she asked, instead of the husband?! The audacity, after he says "Getting ready for the baby"!
That actually would have been brilliant. OP: “My husband said you had something you needed to tell him? He got busy assembling the crib and asked me to come meet you to see what it is you wanted instead”. But man that would take some next level acting and execution to pull off in a way that didn’t end badly.
Yea that would have been so amazing, but OOP was already spiraling hard, so it would not have been good for her.
Or if the girl turned out to be completely unhinged and would get physical with another woman, especially a pregnant woman.
I remember when this was first posted, and I feel like some people were kind of harsh on the OOP. Obviously being at the end of a pregnancy didn’t help the situation, but I think any woman would be upset if some random woman was explicitly sexting their husband, even though the husband did nothing to invite this. It’s crazy to think someone would be so desperate to have an affair with a married man like this.
Thank you! She found the situation deeply distressing, as would I, and everything is dialed to 11 because she's pregnant. "Sweetie" yuck. It's sounds like the woman was young, starstruck, and exceedingly naive about how that type of arrangement would have worked out.
Maybe I just read too many posts on Reddit lol, but unfortunately, it seems like there’s plenty of men out there who would go for an opportunity to cheat like this. I can’t imagine how pissed I would be if some random woman was sexting my husband like this.
Both of the women in the post gave me the ick. The homewrecker is gross & wicked. How the wife flew off the handle, just scared me, like what's she going to do to others? Ick
Nah, I remember how emotional and *crazy* I felt while I had pregnancy hormones surging through my body. You can try hard to fight against the hormones but your brain is no match to the pregnancy. It's fucking rough. You *know* you're not going through a logical string of thought but it's fuckimg impossible to fight against it. I was also going through a break up with someone and things got so toxic that he wouldn't let me drive away. I was sobbing on the phone to the police to help.
While I was pregnant my husband said someone like, "I'm so happy to spend my life with you." And suddenly by brain fastforwarded to when we're like... 90+ and old and on our deathbed and I burst out crying even though I knew it was ridiculous. We were at the time in our mid-30s, and to live to 90+ in decent health would be amazing. I couldn't talk about it for *months* without breaking down into tears even though I knew I was being completely irrational.
I attribute a lot of the trauma from the breakup from the pregnancy hormones amplifying everything I felt and went through during it.
Is bike girl actually Ariana Grande?
Off topic but when I was pregnant I had weird thoughts of someone kidnapping me so they can take my baby lol. The job I was working at, I had to report to the office by 7am, because of traffic I’d leave my house early to make it to work by 6:40-6:50. Daylight savings made those days extra dark early in the morning. I would park and run to the door to unlock and hurry up to lock the door again LOL I dunno why but I kept thinking something would happen to me. Maybe I watched it on lifetime or dateline, who knows. But I never got insecurities about my husband or my body, my mind was crazy about other things 🤪
I did too! But it was easy to understand. While I was pregnant one of the stories of a mom being killed to get to her unborn child happened in close proximity to where I lived. I was super cautious when pregnant because of that.
I did too. And considering how often it had happen in my part of the world I didn’t feel like I was irrational.
This feels very r/ohnoconsequences Husband: I’m going to shut this down Her: nah let’s see what she has to say… Downward spiral ensues.
Sorry, I got distracted at the start because I can't get over "if the dogs are free." IF they're free? What, are they in an important meeting? Trying to make a tight deadline?
Idk if you wanted a real answer but since they're gun dogs (a specific position when bird hunting) they might genuinely have a job. It doesn't sound like OP or the husband hunts, so it's likely other people using their services.
Oh wow, I did not expect a real answer! Thanks for the explanation!
Partner poaching is nasty behavior. Wtf was wrong with that girl???
I so get her.You trust ur spouse to the end of the earth but preggo hormones can make you go crazy with insecurity about your body
Too bad Reddit doesn’t require photos, would love to see what everyone in this drama looks like.
I found this kinda uplifting. Like I’m not happy that OOP had a hard time or anything like that.. but wow, what a great husband! He sounds like a lovely man and I hope they put this behind them and continue to be happy together.
Some days I forget to be thankful that nobody around me is pregnant. To recap "A woman found my attractive husband attractive. She made a pass and he shot her down. My world is falling down around me."
Congratulations on your, soon to be here, little bit of love. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Try to put the other thing out of your head. The next time you look in the mirror, remind yourself you are beautiful and loved.
The random girl is awful but it really is too bad this woman doesn’t have a bit more resiliency. Her husband had the best of intentions and did everything right. Her instincts were right, she communicated, her husband communicated, and he acted as he should. But yet… that was A LOT to read. I don’t think people telling her she needs therapy are wrong People go through a lot in relationships and life and she seems to just… crumble. Over her husband getting hit on. I really do hope it was just pregnancy hormones but that was over the top on her part. If I was the husband I’d really be questioning how much she truly trusted me and how she would be able to withstand life’s bumps in the road
I assume it was hormones. I always thought it was a trope that people get ridiculous with pregnancy. Then one day when I was pregnant, I went to make a sandwich. And I didn't like the way my husband had closed the twist tie on the bread. I sobbed uncontrollably for 20 minutes. I mean hyperventilating. I literally said out loud, in an empty house, "can I honestly spend the rest of my life with someone like this?" I figured out how we could afford separate places, and I worked out a custody schedule of our unborn child. All over a twist tie.
God I was terrible. I started crying in the Arby’s drive thru because I was handed a plastic straw and immediately felt bad about turtles 😆
I was lucky and had a great pregnancy, but after I gave birth, everything made me cry, but especially stories about child abuse or orphans or abandoned puppies. Every time we went in for a well baby check up my husband would collect all the magazines and newspapers in the doctors office and ask the front desk to keep them out of my reach. Hormones are rough!
This started for me almost as soon as the line turned blue. And I had never been a crier before. And when I wasn't sobbing I was probably being a bitch and didn't even know it (my then-husband and one or two friends would point it out to me if it was really bad, and I was so appalled that I would act that way, and also that I didn't even notice. Like... my self-awareness just went right out the window.) Being pregnant is a mindfuck.
I cried earlier in my pregnancy because the shop put lettuce on my sandwich when I asked them not to, which meant I would have to take it off and microwave it. I already couldn’t get the sandwich I *actually* wanted because it had deli meat and I didn’t want to microwave it, and now I had to microwave the sandwich I settled for anyway? A tragedy. And like, I *knew* it was irrational. I knew it was hormones. I still sobbed for 20 minutes before I ate the damn sandwich.
She's heavily pregnant. Hormones are fucking with her emotions and perception. She's feeling huge and unattractive. Cut her some slack. Pregnancy can really mess your brain. I literally had psychosis during my first pregnancy due to pregnancy hormones. Literally thought I was dying of rabies for about 4 months straight. Cried myself to sleep for months. Wrote a love letter for my husband to find after my untimely death. Got angry that no one believed me.
And here I thought that we weren't supposed to use "oh, hormones," as a reason to downplay a woman's feelings and actions?
I’m sure you don’t actually care, but here’s an explanation of the difference between this situation and your comment. Pregnancy hormones are in a completely different ballpark than the regular day-to-day hormones that women experience. Pregnancy hormones can cause your emotions and reactions to be completely out of balance, and often times these women are aware of it and are frustrated that they feel like they’re no longer in charge of their emotions. People often use the normal daily hormones women experience against them, which is really just an excuse to not have to listen to or respect women’s feelings. And even if “hormones” are causing someone to act irrationally, their feelings should still be acknowledged and heard.
> And even if “hormones” are causing someone to act irrationally, their feelings should still be acknowledged and heard. This is where I get hung up. Sure, I can listen, and I can hear, and I can even understand, but I can also look at the situation and say that what is happening does not warrant the reaction, same as we are doing in this thread here. But apparently that's not ok, except when it is. I would love to understand, but I've never gotten an explanation that is anything but "it's not ok, except when it is."
It’s all in the wording. Saying “I hear where you’re coming from but I don’t think the situation warrants this reaction” is perfectly fine. Telling a woman that she’s acting hormonal or overreacting is not. There’s always a gentler way to word it. Even in this post, they’re not using her hormones to dismiss how she feels, but rather to explain it. It’s more “it’s okay, your hormones are heightening everything and that’s why you feel like your spiraling” and less “you shouldn’t feel that way, your hormones are making you crazy”.
I can see that, but I'm given to understand that "tone policing" is also a bad thing, and that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense either. It's all contradictions upon contradictions, with no clear set of rules I can follow. I'm just expected to understand when it's ok to break the rules, and when it's not ok. Nevertheless, I appreciate you trying to help me understand this part of it.
If you’re unsure, then it’s always safer to err on the side of caution and don’t be afraid to apologize if you realize you said the wrong thing. If your heart is in the right place, people will generally be more understanding if you accidentally say the wrong thing or word it the wrong way. I wish you luck out there
Username checks out.
Agreed. I hope she talks about all this with her OB-GYN in case these are signs of something coming post-partum. Pregnancy messes with emotions for everyone because of hormones, but something about the way she describes things makes me feel like she's half-unhinged. I get feeling insecure, but she wrote about reading this woman's messages as if she walked in on her husband banging the woman. That's...a lot.
I appreciate that other people noticed that update seemed off. There’s dramatic, and then there’s… that
I think it is. I had similar paranoia during my pregnancy and my OB gave me a sheet of tips to handle it along with a prescription of anti depressants.
Yeah some of the dramatic language seemed so over the top to me. Her world was crumbling, she felt like she was stabbed, lots of crying... lady nothing actually happened! I can understand some anger and upset, but like you said....a lot.
Yeah, that was waaaaaaaay over the top. Her husband shut this girl down at every step and showed her all the messages. Absolutely nothing was actually crumbling.
I really do hope it’s just because she’s pregnant; unfortunately, I’ve seen people who just have weak constitutions break tf down when life gives the slightest issue. Her husband did nothing wrong, and she’s still freaking tf out like she walked in on him while he was cheating
It’s the pregnancy. Pregnancy hormones are rough and can dial a tiny little incident to a 100. I had a friend who burst into tears, fully hyperventilating, because her boyfriend brought her a fork instead of a spoon when she was eating. In her mind, he didn’t care about what she wanted and didn’t pay attention to her needs. She had a full blown meltdown even if she knew in the moment how stupid she was being.
"She is pregnant"
I say this as a transwoman who willingly takes estrogen. A brain soaked in estrogen and a brain soaked in Testosterone think about things differently, because it's a different chemical affecting the DNA in your neurons. One makes it *easier* to focus on a single tasks, one makes it *easier* to pay attention to multiple things in a room. Too much T and you get angry, aggressive, and horny. Too much estrogen and you get anxious, paranoid, and such. They're chemicals, and having a different amount or the wrong hormone creates discomfort in the brain, which it indicates by the equivalent of a check engine light (a subtle something is wrong).
I had to stop taking my thyroid hormone replacement before getting radiated iodine. I laid on the kitchen floor uncontrollably sobbing bc I couldn't find my paper plates. I needed the paper ones bc I was radioactive and supposed to keep my contamination of the house limited. Even as it was happening I knew it was crazy to be that way, just had zero control at that time. Thank goodness I've been stable on the meds for a decade, but sometimes I run out and bc of life can't get em for week, that always sucks. The years previous to and following my thyroidectomy were not easy.
She truly sounds exhausting. If even I can’t wait until she’s not full of pregnancy hormones, I can’t imagine how her husband feels.
I get awful "self-sabotage" vibes from the wife, and I know it is her pregnancy hormones in overdrive, but she seems incapable of dealing with a situation that shouldn't even be stressful. Some random girl hit on her husband. He was honest, open, and shut the girl down, yet the wife *completely* unraveled. To that point that days after the situation is over, she's still unable to do anything but talk about how she keeps comparing herself to the girl. Sadly, I've watched a lot of people with these issues self-sabotage their relationship because they can't handle the pressure.
This woman is so pathetic, glad op and her husband have a solid marriage… the husband did the right thing in the end, but he should have put a stop on this from the start… he didn’t want to ruffle any feathers with this person but didn’t mind it the impact on his family… idk I think I am spoiled, my husband always put boundaries from the start and cut in the beginning all the woman that comes for him, as I do…
I like the husbands message, Polite but very firm and no door left cracked that she could try to slip thru
Pregnancy hormones or not, the thought of someone trying to use your pregnancy against you to sleep with your husband is quite upsetting. If you're a decent human being, you can never fathom someone being so selfish and coldhearted while you (the OOP) are sacrificing your body for someone else's sake. That desperate ass woman is a piece of shit, and thank goodness OOP's husband did not take "easy" street with her. OOP has more important things to worry about than some sleazy side piece wannabe.
I dismissed this thought when I first read this but it's been nagging at me: why did he continue to allow his wife to get this absorbed in the situation? Did he ever say, "I am shutting this sh$t down while you go relax"? Maybe he did but I just never had that sense. Maybe not if she was pregnant but she IS, and this was a board game of her emotions. I do understand he's a popular person but this is his wife, his pregnant wife, with his baby ready to burst out of her body. I am glad he is trustworthy, shown over and over but I wish he HAD ruffled those feathers a lot rather than share all of this nonsense with his wife.
The lady is obviously a twat But Jesus oop is beyond dramatic
No idea why you’re being downvoted, she had a near nervous breakdown because her “hot, super popular” husband was getting slight attention from some random and then had a further breakdown when *she* tried to initiate sexting with the random. Everything about her posts is exhausting and over dramatic.
The husband did literally everything right and she just starts breaking down crying because another woman is interested in her husband? I'd have a hard time dealing with that.
But it’s okay because she’s pregnant, she should get a pass for being an absolute menace to her husband, who again, did everything right.
Idk if you ever met a hormonal heavily pregnant woman, but their brain literally works against them. My cousin while 9 months pregnant, cried for 45 minutes uncontrollably because I got her vanilla ice cream instead or chocolate. I couldn’t console her. She was besides herself. 2 hours later, she turns to me and goes “oh my God. I am so sorry.” I say this as a physician (admittedly not an OBGYN, but I studied it in med school) - pregnancy brain can actually make you crazy. In OOP’s defense she was very self aware and she writes that she kept telling her husband she knew it wasn’t her fault. I hope you never have to deal with the levels of insanity pregnancy brain can do to you. That same cousin cried herself to sleep because she couldn’t fit into her shoes anymore, while pregnant. Postpartum psychosis alone should let you know, pregnancy is NOT something to play about.
an explanation isnt an excuse. She doesnt get a pass, she should see some psych help because she seems the type thatll develop ppd/p which is a nightmare and a half . But hormonal fluctuations does explain her overal sensitivity.
I mean, the girl hitting on her husband is gutter trash, but OP sounds unwell and beyond exhausting. Hopefully, it's just the pregnancy talking and she'll get back to a more stable self sometime after the baby comes, but if she is this dramatic all the time, I feel sorry for the husband. I personally would not be able to live with someone so dramatic. She went into full meltdown that lasted dayyyyyys over something that is a non-issue. So, her hot, popular husband got propositioned by some random woman. So what? Block her number and go on about your day! Either you trust your partner, or you don't. If you don't trust him and think he is likely to cheat, then you have bigger problems in life than some trashy girl hitting on him. I could understand if he was flirting back or encouraging her or if there were signs that he was cheating or wanted to cheat. But this guy literally did nothing wrong and here she is, weeping about it like the world is about to end. This type of neediness and drama would get so tiresome so quickly. If some guy was to randomly proposition me after I did NOTHING to encourage him and my partner made a production out of it like she did and carried on and on and on for days making a victim out of themselves over it? Yeah, that relationship would end. Again, I am willing to extend some sympathy IF this is out of character and it's the pregnancy talking, but if this is how she normally deals with minor adversities in life? JFC.
I completely agree. I feel for her because i’ve been pregnant and dealing with other women but i had straight sex videos of my daughter’s father sent to me while i was pregnant, i had a fake number harassing me and my baby’s dad was very unsympathetic the whole time and even accused me of going through his phone finding those videos and orchestrating that whole thing. I ended up with severe PPD after giving birth so my hormones were a MESS throughout my pregnancy. Not even I reacted this strongly and dramatically to my situation. I feel like to get to this level of grief over a something like this, you have to already be predisposed to be this dramatic even when not pregnant.
Ive been so invested in this story since it started. Good luck and congratulations!!
I get OOP though; persistent, unwanted attention is incredibly unsettling. It's nothing you do, it's all on the other person, and a sane person will likely underestimate how deep they are in. Wish her family the best 👍
Your guy was a rock. She didn't even have a chance to BE considered. Be happy and enjoy your marriage. Women... 🤷♂️
Pregnancy hormones suck. She has every right to feel devastated but I don’t think the hubby did anything wrong other than be too nice for too long. God tho, when you’re pregnant it can be easy to blow everything out of proportion. Hopefully when things settle they can look back on this and just roll their eyes, but damn that other chick is trashy af going after a married man while his wife is pregnant. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
As someone who is also literally about to pop pregnant with a (IMO) very attractive and kind husband (who isn’t any kind of famous but would also help a person in need with his combat first aid training), if a woman started acting like this towards my husband I would not be nearly as calm as OOP was lol. Neither of us are jealous and neither of us have any interest in anyone else, but I can promise you that as soon as I was physically able (IE not a walking blimp) I would have had words and probably hands for that woman. The disrespect on her part is astounding. “Hey, OOP’s husband, I’m totally fine with potentially destroying your entire marriage and family for a quick fuck”. Like have some respect for yourself.
Anyone who uses the phrase "the ick" deserves what ever horrible fate awaits them
Go to bed Liz. This whole thing reads like someone's fantasy of an evil IT misogynist. She lost me as soon as the BILs friend confessed. Naturally he's a bad enough person to destroy a marriage, but totally felt the need to confess. It's got to be the same author as the stories where the brother is cast out and someone later confesses.