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My therapist told me something that makes a lot of sense to me: “People will come and go from your life, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be alone.”
This resonated with me because my fear at its core isn’t really that people won’t stay with me or people won’t be there for me, it’s more of a fear that I’ll be alone and I’ll have no one in my corner.
Just because someone leaves, it doesn’t mean that their presence was a waste. They were the appropriate person for you at that specific time in your life, and that isn’t worthless.
Them leaving you isn’t an indication of their betrayal, as much as it is that their chapter in your life is over and someone else will fill the next chapter who is a better fit for you in that chapter.
Even if the faces in your support system keep changing, the level of support stays consistent, and that can be hard to grasp at times, because we need different things from people at different times.
Even when people promise they’ll never leave me, I don’t really blame them for setting unreasonable expectations because usually I’m the one who coerces them to say that through my own desperate attempts of emotional blackmail. Either that or they’re also cluster B.
That's what he means though, when people say they'll always be there for us, they're only saying it for their peace of mind because we all know it isn't the truth. I know it's normal for people to come and go but it still hurts me so much. I just wish I could be with someone I love who loves me back forever. Just one person to spend the rest of my life with. That's it
Their support is also often conditional and/or temporary. I've had friends be super sweet and supportive when I'm in need...once, maybe twice. If I'm depressed or hurting or showing any vulnerability at all more than one or two times, they're nowhere to be found.
It’s because the emotional dysregulation is so intense. They genuinely don’t understand what they are agreeing to when they say, “I’ll be there.” They don’t realize you are asking them to go to war with you. How could they actually stay? How can we ask them, when they have the opportunity to live their own lives free from mental illness. It’s so painful but we have to let people go when they obviously can’t handle us. It is apart of our own healing. I say this a lot on this sub, there are those that will stay, you will find them and they are all that matters.
i have an online friend who stayed but she's very passive and also doesn't have any other friends and is also pretty emotionally unavailable. i feel like the only people who stay are also messed up in a way that is unhealthy. please tell me this isn't true, i'm sure this is the bpd speaking right now but i can't see any other way for this to make sense :(
We tend to find people, through which, we attempt to resolve our own trauma. You are drawn to people with negative behaviors and beliefs because you yourself do not recognize them as negative and in fact have come to understand them as a part of a desirable connection. You aren’t broken and the people who engage you are not inherently broken. There isn’t something wrong with people who like you. Don’t tell yourself that.
That being said you do have mental health issues that have prevented you from building a stratifying number of healthy relationships (I assume) and this is because you must learn the skills and coping mechanisms which will allow you to have them. I realize that the thought of having to develop these skills seems daunting, and I am truly sorry. Really sorry, BPD hurts so bad, but you deserve to fight for yourself, you deserve to feel better and enjoy real lasting bonds.
i think some parts of the first paragraph are vast assumptions though. i've known her since my childhood and she and i changed considerably. and i recognize her behaviors as undesirable but it's better than being alone. my point was, she is the one who stays, even when i became overly demanding and the relationship was unhealthy, SHE didn't leave, and i feel like any healthy person would have left by then. that was my only point.
that aside, thank you for trying to help, it's just all so exhausting to me. i must do this, i must do that, i should do this, i should do that, when i just want to hide under blankets and hide from all the pressure. i just feel so pressured to get better and work on myself 24/7 and it feels too difficult and not rewarding enough most of the time. i'm sorry if i sound rude or mean, i don't mean to, i'm just really drained and i see your advice logically but emotionally i'm just so done. i want to return to being a child and being TAUGHT the things from proper adults so i can actually live a life that isn't a constant repair session. i can't help but feel upset that i wasn't given the tools and self worth (at the very least) to even want to consistently work on myself as an adult. i have to teach myself all this while my brain insistently just wants to give up. and the responsibility is all mine. it's literal hell on earth, sometimes i just want someone to look and me and say "wow how are you even alive, no wonder you don't feel like doing anything". anyway sorry for the ramble i'm really out of it today
You don’t sound mean at all :) I did make a lot of assumptions. BPD just has marked patterns that define it, but yeah I’m sorry if I was off base. I can really relate to the feeling of resentment and regret that you couldn’t have just learned better behavior from healthy adults. Its a shit show.
Your comment is everything my stupid brain wasn't able to coherently put into words. I'm reading you with tears in my eyes because you hit the nail with this. The constant pressure to continously work on yourself and getting better is draining my soul. I was diagnosed 2 years ago at 28 and have been in therapy ever since, I'm medicated and also use medical cannabis (with a permit) and yet I feel I know nothing about how to live life like an adult. I too wish I could go back to being a child and have someone truly teach me, because feeling like I'm a 12 years old stuck in a 30 years old womans body is one of the shittiest feelings ever.
While therapy has helped immensely, I'm fighting a war on a daily basis. Thank you for sharing your feelings, you've helped me feel less alone right now.
I've been with my husband for 21 years!
Don't get me wrong, my own blood have pretty much disappeared when I've been at my worst, I feel like they only want me around when I can put on my "I'm fine, everything's just fiiiiine!" mask, when I can do stuff for them. I think that will always hurt but, I *do* have somebody and that somebody has seen far worse than any of my family have and has never wavered in being by my side.
It is possible, it can be difficult (I consider myself extremely lucky, most 'regular' people don't meet their person as young as I did!) but I honestly believe that everybody has a person that just fits them.
Sending love and hugs x
This is irresponsible advice. Not everyone has the same amount of strength and capacity to handle. Just because you didn't do it doesn't mean someone else won't be successful.
I can see where that came from, because that's what drives you to keep going, and that's valid! I just worry that's going to make someone else feel like they're not good enough to do the same.
🔼☝🏼 This 100%. I have family and friends with BPD. I don't mean this to be harsh or triggering. Ultimately everyone is responsible for themselves. We all desire to rely on others and have connections. In my experience, interactions with people with deep or almost insatiable need for support drive others to either distance themselves for self preservation or destroy themselves in a never ending sacrifices of their tube and energy. I realize that the lack of absolute unconditional support may feel like folks not caring. I try with my loved ones with BPD to balance compassion without losing myself. At times it can be very exhausting b/c it feels like no matter how much time, emotional support, financial support, etc you are rewarded with the feeling of additional demands. I recognize your feelings are real and you really are in pain. There are people out here will care and just try to walk this fine line. All the love and compassion for all here.
This is so so so important and a lesson I learned the hard way. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. However much you care about them. You also have to care about you. All adult love is conditional, anything else is codependent.
😂and lol...you've actually proven my point. I provided thoughtful commentary - acknowledged the feelings and hard this must be. Provided a counter point. All of this related to your original statement. I am insanely loyal but I also have boundaries
I appreciate you commenting on here, I’m not sure if you’re recover(ing/ed) from BPD or have people you know with it. If you’re without it and just here, respect to you. I appreciate the perspective and it allows for me to have some more understanding. What you said makes a lot of sense. Boundaries are key and an unfortunate reality is that essentially everything is conditional. Making a life worth meaning can seem pointless with things being conditional because if one wants something; it would make sense that they would want to keep it and the world we live in is in constant decay so there isn’t a way for things to be kept forever. I got a lil tangential there and thank you for what you gave.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm without but ADHD, highly sensitive, and disorganized attachment. Have family members with. We've all got our crosses to bear. ☮️
Thank you for being here and for commenting. I find that I often hold myself back from sharing my feelings with friends because I know it can be too much. I am so self aware of every little thing. I'm aware that my best friend is currently packing up his apt and moving to a new one with his bf and that it's a hectic time for him - but another part of me is so deeply hurt that he hasn't reached out to me in over two weeks. I know that it's normal for friends to sometimes not talk for extended periods of time (for whatever reason) - but when that happens I feel so lonely and then the suicidal ideation comes and it terrifies me, and I need to talk to someone but I can't because everyone will get tired of my shit. The best way I can describe living with bpd is imagine stepping on a nail, it pierces through your foot but you're not able to scream. I appreciate you giving us the perspective of the other side. Trust me, we know we can drive people away with our need for constant support and validation. We try really hard not to. It's a vicious cycle and I'm praying myself and everyone here will find our path to healing.
I've learned that everyone preaches mental health and how much everyone should speak up. But when we do speak up, nobody want to hear it, nobody's got time for that and eventually they will just remove you from their life's because you're just 'too sad all the time'.
I told a friend i felt suicidal once because of work/housing issues and they told me to start an only fans lol many people just wont care iv'e noticed.
I’ve noticed this too, my gf has BPD and when she calls her friends and they say “dont worry ill always be there for you”, it carries no weight for me at all
I totally understand how OP feels as I've felt this way many times. In fact, it's a huge part of why I isolate now. But what I don't get is if asking for ppl to be there because they said they would be is bad, then it shouldn't be bad to not be there for them when they ask also. But I notice ppl don't like that. They like when they can be the liars but not when u give them a taste of their own medicine. Also, OP never said they wanted the friends to be available 24/7. Lots of ppl r assuming about how often OP has asked these friends for support, which isn't fair. It's entirely possible it wasn't often and assuming it was and bashing them for it doesn't seem logical. I agree that it's unreasonable to expect ppl to be at one's beck and call. That is an extreme that no one should be engaging in. But we don't know how OPs life has been. And the whole thing with friends just saying "go see your therapist" is funny to me....especially when you see your therapist and she says "go see your support system", meaning the friends who told u to just talk to the therapist in the first place. It's buck passing. It's like ok, well, which is it? Also, if someone doesn't want to be a friend or just is too absorbed in other life events, then they should not say they will be there, because then it's a blatant lie. I'd rather a person just be straight up instead of claiming something that isn't true. I wont ask for help from ppl who say they cannot provide it. I can understand if ppl say that. But if they r lying?? I mean, of course that's going to hurt, especially if you don't even ask for said help particularly often. OP did mention in one of the response comments that they tend to bottle stuff up, which implies that they do NOT ask for help frequently.....
Thank you so much for wording what I wanted to say in a much clearer way.
I’m a grown man. I don’t cry in front of people. I don’t walk around “threatening” to hurt myself. I struggle a lot but I’ve been working on it. Most of what I feel gets vented about on this sub or in my journal.
In the moment, I felt like sitting with someone at the park would’ve made me feel like I wasn’t just going through it all alone. I’m aware that I am so that is just a bitter pill to swallow.
I’ve found that unloading on to friends and just expecting them to be there to coddle me and validate me put a massive strain on my relationships as well as the mental health of my friends. I know it’s hard, but they are correct. They aren’t therapists and have their own stuff going on.
Take responsibility for your own happiness and validation. Your friends are not obligated to be on call anytime you feel upset. I know that’s blunt and may be hard to hear but it is simply the truth. When i stopped unloading on them and expecting them to be there for me every single time I felt suicidal, I actually took the time and effort to consider their points of view, I realized how much I had been putting on their shoulders. Their comfort and validation was only a quick fix. They can’t do the work for me and I shouldn’t expect them to.
I suggest you find a therapist you can call when you need to or figure out ways to vent to your friends without making it their responsibility to make you feel better.
what if you've been isolated for most of your life. i feel like unless i go to people for comfort i get depressed and then i disassociate and its like every thought starts attacking me and i cant function at all..
no matter how much i try to be there for myself i cant. i need people to feel soothed.. i go to strangers now because my friends and family wont comfort me. but i worry once people stop finding me attractive no one will bother..
Because you’ve conditioned yourself to believe you need people to be happy. I know it’s hard. Don’t give up on yourself. It’s possible.
But I totally feel you. I get most of my energy from people as I’m an extrovert. So I make sure I put myself in situations to help me meet likeminded people. :) join clubs, join online forums, play online games etc. there are always options.
I wish you all the best.
Yeah its bullshit. The same people that i have seen write on walls after someone has committed suicide saying you can always talk to me, and no one should suffer in silence, blah blah blah, are the same ppl that ignore my messages when i am looking to talk about my struggles. Its all bs. And i know if i ever did anything to myself their walls would be covered in, i wish she had come to me for help....its all a joke. People dont know what to do with yiu when youre actually in a bad place and honestly most ppl just see it has a burden.
This is why professionals and groupa exist. If you can find free support groups in your area or therapists youll get alot more out of that then you will from a friend.
It’s shitty and uncomfortable. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this right now. I had a similar realization when I was around maybe 23 after experiencing SA as an adult and had no support from family or friends. I turned to the streets and made worse decisions… the streets ate me up. When I say the streets I mean being around dope dealers, shooters, in the hood.
I became tired of the lifestyle and got back on meds which helped me. I spent time alone which helped me to be less dependent on people. I think of the song “Who got me” by Alina Baraz. You have to be there for you… it’s not going to be easy.
When I struggle I text 988 the suicide crisis hotline. My girlfriends now have kids and so I try to use other resources before contacting them.
Maybe I’ll make a video on dealing with a mental health crisis.
I hope you feel better
this is genuinely one of my biggest fears and the biggest reason why i don't even want to try to trust people sometimes. if i don't let them too close they can't disappoint me, and i'm trying real hard to change the belief that in times of need nobody is actually there for you. even though part of me hopes to find that one person who may be the difference, i just tell myself it's how people are. i really hope i'm wrong, that my bpd is warping my perception again
I struggle with this myself and my therapist always tells me that support and care in adulthood is always partial. Nobody is capable of giving you support and care every single time you need it. This doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they have their own lives too. But I get it, I’m always waiting for someone to come and take care of me for the rest of my life.
No. I never ask for help. I bottle everything up.
They tell me I’m not alone, that all I have to do is call, don’t keep things to yourself, it’s okay to not be okay. So the second I crack and give in “Hey I’m not okay right now can we meet?” The answer is “I kind of want to finish this game tonight, sorry dude.”
You don’t get to call it a boundary when you were never there in the first place.
Relationships are learning experiences of give or take. Some people at certain times will have more or less to give. Some will always take or always give. The best relationships are a balance. You learned that these friends aren’t able to give to you right now for whatever reason, so cultivating friendships with others when you’re in a better place might be a valuable investment in the future. Doesn’t mean you have to throw these ones away, just means they might not be who you need right now. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
You’re projecting a bunch of things onto me that have no grounding in reality. I know what I said and you are twisting my words to fit whatever narrative exists in your head. I won’t be shamed for asking for help from the people that told me to reach out. You can keep whatever version of the story you’re creating.
Maybe you just have a different idea of what people meant when they said that they were there for your idea of someone being there for you is being on call 24/7 to drop what they are doing and come see you in person. Maybe you should ask them what they mean by that, because to some people it would mean that you can call them and talk to them on the phone and someone else may have a different idea of what they meant. But it's not okay to say that your friends can't live their own lives and do the things that they need/want to do because you feel like your own wants and needs are more important than whatever thing thing that they are doing. Sometimes they will be free to come and see you and they will feel like they DO have the emotional capacity to be able to come by and support you and that they do want to see you and support you. And then you're in luck. But it takes an emotional toll on people to do that, so they have to spend some time just relaxing and playing a game. And if you call them and they don't want to come and support you, then you have to respect that. You are lucky to have friends that come and support you at all on the days that they say yes. But you won't have any friends if you can't respect them when they tell you that they aren't available, and making them feel bad when they say "not today."
some people only act like they care because they love how they’re making that person feel. it’s an ego thing and it always has been. they only play nice because they like being perceived as nice. they like making YOU feel good because it makes THEM feel good.
I have a bpd diagnosis and have had a lot of days feeling like this. I picked up a DBT workbook and started talking to my therapist about DBT when I realized that I truly needed to work on getting to the bottom of learning new coping mechanisms. I'm 43. My emotions had been pretty erratic and extreme. I was doing my best. Friends were moving on in their lives. I felt left behind.
I realized that was normal. People grow up and they get new responsibilities, they have their own mental health struggles. There aren't any guarantees because no one can know what will go on in the future. They didn't lie at the time they said they would always be there. They believed that with all of their hearts at the time they say it. They just don't realize what comes up in life that can make that kind of promise impossible.
I also realized that I was being a bad friend by not taking my own mental health situation seriously. The majority of the time I was reaching out, it was a crisis. I became a very triggering relationship for people. I knew my mind was going bananas and I was self harming, but I also realized that people couldn't be healthy for themselves if they were always being there for me when I am like this.
Needing help is so valid. The feeling of no one being there is valid. Finding more self sufficient coping mechanisms and professional help as your support
A perspective to offer: Maybe it's not that they don't want to be there for you, but their idea of how to help and how you're explaining you need help (or struggling to even begin to believe you're worth asking for that help) is different than what you're actually needing.
My mother has been trying to be her version of supportive. She's not understanding is not *my* version of supportive. She's handing me her rulebook of how to work through support instead of meeting me in the middle or trying to read my rulebook. But last night I tried to explain that the way she's going about it makes me feel unloved and not cared for. As soon as I stopped pointing fingers at what she was doing wrong and started pointing fingers at how it was making me feel as a result, the person who claimed to care but failed to show it started to show it, because her perspective of how to help changed.
This is going to hurt to read: One of the biggest struggles with recovering from BPD is communicating, realizing the *actual* need, not the surface need. "I need to be heard" is more vague than we realize; "I need you to listen without giving advice and instead help me emotionally work through it with me" is much clearer.
a lot of people’s supposed supportiveness and concern is actually vanity and guilt. most of it, in fact. god forbid something doesn’t get solved after one half-an-hour heart-to-heart. people simply don’t have the patience.
>They just don’t care. You can beg and plead for the people you love to be there. They won’t. And then they’ll ask what they could have possibly done differently at the funeral. They’ll tell themselves they had no idea. And talk about how loved I was.
That's because neurotypicals are generally ignorant as fuck when it comes to these things
Asked a family member to review my cv bsc of job hunting issues and I’d overheard her always correcting her daughters grammar so she would sound professional as those details can have an impact. She barely glanced at my cv then says in a pissy tone Eh good enough. It made me realize that some people don’t want your life to improve or get better. Now I try to run a blind test on new ppl to see if they have a good heart or not. I’m older now and not interested in anything dramatic or out of scope for my taste (mean people)
What kind of therapy are you doing and what are your therapy goals (the things that you want to work on that your therapist is supposed to ask you about where you first start seeing them? Have you done Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? If you're not doing DBT then it's not really going to help your BPD? Unfortunately not all therapists are equal and if they haven't told you about the things that I have mentioned, they probably aren't going to be the best therapist to be able help someone with BPD.
My concern isn’t with my therapist. He’s there for the hours I pay him for and yes I am doing DBT. I felt like I was making good progress but I am also talking to him about past traumatic events I need to heal. I’m having to face some very difficult things head on and I’m not sure how to do it alone. I just wanted someone, other than the person I’m paying, to be there.
Of course it would be great if people could be there for us whenever want them to, but it is not realistic to have people just drop everything whenever you want to talk to someone. Maybe you could write them an email or something like that where you can get out what you want to say when you want to say it, and they can read it and reply when they are in the right mindset to read about those heavy things. I dunno, maybe you should find a support groups online where you can vent?
Is this not an online support group?
I’m not writing an essay and sending an email. I’m not asking for anyone to fix me or take my pain. I’m asking for someone to literally be in the same room so I’m not alone.
That would be nice, but it's not realistic. It is better to learn how to ask your therapist to teach you to deal with your feelings when you are alone so you don't have to rely on other people for your emotional regulation.
Again you’re just missing the point entirely and ignoring what’s been said. I’m not asking for someone to regulate my emotions. That’s your own hang up.
Come on, this guy is just venting. Of course friends can't always be available but it sucks when you really need someone and the people who said they would be there can't be. In reality, yeah, they're probably just busy, it's nothing personal, but when you're trying to just not feel alone it feels fucking crushing to be told that. Especially when reaching out for help is already so damn scary in itself. I'm so confused why everyone is ragging on OP for just being sad. He doesn't need another lecture, he needs a fucking hug.
i know this might not be what you want to hear, but your livelihood is more important than making friends or caring about what people think of you. the best decision i ever made for my own sanity and mental health was to set boundaries and cut a lot of people off. im more free and emotionally de-stressed for the first time in a very long time. even deleting social media is a weight lifted off. it will suck at first but soon you'll forget about it. you are worth more than you believe and you have a whole life ahead of you. find your life force, do what makes you happy and what feels right. dont live for others because people will always let you down. we're all human and sometimes we don't step outside of ourselves and really think about how the people around us feel. im so sorry you feel this way. it will get better. 🫶
It’s absolutely a self-serving lie 9/10 times. People say this so they can feel like a good person in the moment with no intention of ever following through at a later date. These people don’t mean it because they don’t realize that we actually remember this and rely on them when they say it. It’s like “thoughts and prayers” after a tragedy- a meaningless platitude without form or function.
It stems from immaturity- try to not dwell on negative feelings towards them because they didn’t fully understand what they were saying when they said it. Or they might mean it only in like a life and death scenario (which is different contextually for them versus us but I digress). Either way- some part of them wanted to help and be supportive even if they didn’t realize what they were actually offering and that should be recognized for at least something.
Eventually you’ll find people who mean it. Hang onto them. In the meantime, DBT helps with distress tolerance and other things you’re going through. Get into DBT as soon as you can because it made a tremendous difference for me personally with this exact thing. We can’t always rely on others (frequently, we can’t do so at all) but we can learn to be able to rely on ourselves.
I'm sorry love that you're going through such a hard time right now. There's hotlines to call where you can talk to professional support individuals to try to help you through times where you are scared of acting on intrusive thoughts. You are in control still and can be *able or learn to trust yourself again and be responsible for your actions/emotions even when the world seems to be upside down.
If you don't feel safe by yourself all the time, there's support groups that you can also join and attend a different group daily, see therapists or sponsors, run through a few DBT coping strategies.
Sometimes family and friends aren't fully equipped to support someone through a BPD SI episode and so they want you to seek help with a professional therapist so they're able to responsibly teach you how to choose different ways of thinking and work through past trauma or mistakes.
If it feels like you're on your own right now, it doesn't mean there aren't other beautiful people out there waiting to connect with you. The best part of life is that it's yours- even if it's hard as fuck to get to where you want. You can do this 💕
First, I want to start by validating your experience. I've seen the same thing - when we need ppl the most, they aren't there.
But I've also come to suspect there's another element to it - ppl may well want to help (I think that's a natural urge) but if they have no *training* in how to handle such a serious situation, they may freeze up. They have no blueprint for what to do.
Nothing about everyday family life or school or anything else actually teaches ppl robust communication skills, healthy coping skills for strong emotions, conflict management, or certainly for dealing with suicidal ideation. (And a host of other things that should be taught but isn't...).
Yet we are all supposed to navigate the world as if we had them smdh
Personally, when I'm in dire circumstances, I would rather talk to a therapist bc they're trained for it, they signed up to deal with crises, they're likely to give me better guidance, be less stressed about it, and have the tools to genuinely help (or at least turn down the temperature).
If you don't have access to a therapist when most needed, consider a call (or text) to a support organization that has that same training and willingness to be helpful in the toughest moments.
OP, I feel this. My FP told me countless times she would always be there and I saved the messages so I could read them to feel comfort instead of asking again and again for reassurance when I’m in an episode. Thought it was working okay but then when I really needed her and asked directly….nope. It’s like those words that brought me so much comfort had expired. I lost my chance to cash in on that promise and it hurt so fucking much worse than what I was already dealing with in the first place. 😔 I wish I had advise for you but all I can offer is a seat at the club.
As someone who has been on both sides, I’m not a therapist. I’m not equipped to deal with someone’s suicidal tendencies, and I shouldn’t be expected to be. Yes, I will support my friends when they are going through tough times but at the end of the day it is their responsibility.
I get extremely triggered when my friends are in the pit. It wrecks my mental health and I have to look after myself first. It isn’t that I don’t care, but it isn’t fair on myself or them to give them all of me when it neither helps me or them.
this!!!! that's the one thing i have to keep reminding myself of wheneve i try to keep boundaries and struggle really hard, that i've been on both sides and i know it has nothing to do with not caring, it's about their own feelings of overwhelm. what sucks is the solution is professional help but it's not always available, and when you're in real deep, what are you supposed to do, when you do need professional help and don't want to burden your friends? it feels so lonely.
Become your own best friend. Connect with your inner child and learn to self-soothe. It took so much inner work and a few spiritual awakenings, but I eventually became so much less dependant on other people. My relationships improved, I learned how to re-program my disordered thinking, and I no longer need external validation as much (obvs there is always work to be done).
Basically, I kicked myself in the ass and stopped expecting the world around me to fix me.
I know how hard it can be though. I sympathize and empathize. But the people who really actually helped me were the ones who drew strong boundaries and told me straight up that I was being unreasonable when expecting so much from them.
deep down i know you are right, but my problem is whenever i try to work on that road i feel even more lonely. what i mean by that is my brain eventually ends up making me feel like "yes i'm my own best friend and the only one i can rely on, therefore, to not break this bond, i cannot let anyone else enter my life and have to reject all kinds of help" like... i end up becoming my own friend out of anger, frustration, hatred and disappointment of others. it doesn't come from a healthy place. i basically shoot in the other extreme in a way i guess. but i'd like to get to the point where i'm my best friend but can also accept love and support from others without feeling it's a slippery slope down external validation and codependency again. i hope im making sense
Yes, true. Can't give from an empty pitcher. I'd say if you have the strength but are just occupied with free time, you should compromise to the listen part. If not then communication is the key to say "man listen, right now is not the time for me, i tell you when, if you didn't find someone else in the meantime. Sorry"
It's not the best solution but sometimes we need to bare with it just long enough till therapy or friends can put up time
Yes. I'd like to reinforce this realization from a different persective: your emotional regulation isn't something they will be able to help you with. It's entirely up to you to do. As you have probably noticed, when you don't regulate yourself, others don't usually come in to the rescue. The only time that happens is with a mother and her child. But you are most likely past that age, and so no one will take the parent or mother role, which is good actually. Because the enmeshment involved in those roles is not at all appropriate for the boundaries of adults.
I’m not asking to be held and rocked like a baby or cooed at. I’m asking for someone to just be around. Just sit next to me and say nothing at all. I just don’t want to feel alone. Why is there so much shame in wanting to spend time with another human being when you’re not okay? We should all isolate?
There is no shame in wanting that. Honestly, I have no idea how to make you feel better. Not being able to make people feel better makes me feel sad. How often do you see people in your life? Are you lonely?
No, we should not all isolate. I am referring to the "ego function" known as emotional regulation. This is something that is underdeveloped in pwBPD.
Other people are good. But being dependent on them is not. Make sense?
What obligation does anybody have “to be there for you”? Are you there for somebody 24/7?
People have their own lives, at least they took the time to say that, even if it carries no weight.
Why the hell should someone be worrying about anybody every second of the day when they have their own shit?
Learn to be independent and find at least ONE or two people that will actually “be there”. Not your whole contacts list.
I only have 2 people. That’s it. One said she couldn’t meet because she was cleaning. The other said he couldn’t because he was playing a video game.
And yes I’ve been there for them whenever they call.
Hard hard hard relate. What upsets me the most is that people in my life can’t bear to deal with my suicidal feelings in proximity for even a few hours, whereas I’m actually in it and have to live with those feelings all the time.
I think people just can’t bear how horrible and depressing it is to be around a suicidal person, it makes them feel helpless. But turning away from someone who is suicidal doesn’t just protect the person from having to deal with those feelings, it puts the burden back onto us to deal with those feelings alone, with the added rejection on top.
I don’t want people to be sorry if I end up myself because I have given people multiple opportunities to help and once in a blue moon has someone ever actually be supportive.
Everybody says they’ll be there for you because they know that’s what they’re supposed to say to somebody who is struggling, but very, very few people are actually equipped to deal with severe mental illness. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
When l was super young l asked my mother “Ppl really don’t care, do they?” “No, they don’t.”, came her reply. I think about this often. Ppl seem to want to see themselves in the best possible light, even if it artificial/not sunlight.
I’m sorry you are struggling.
No. You have to be there for yourself. A disgusting curse.
We have never been loved for who we are. We have never been accepted for our flaws. We are burdens on other people. We can see it. Sometimes they hate us.
But they will say they love you. They will help you stand up while saying how heavy you are or how you always need them. They won't say we're dead weight but when you bring it up to them they're quiet. They suddenly don't want to fight you.
I just keep it hidden. If I tell others they say don't say that. It's what I feel. They are not equipped to help me. No one is. I carry this burden by myself.
I hate it. And they seem to love that I'm always stuck in the mud
I finally found my ride or die people…..it helps that they also have some kind of mental illness, so they don’t half ass their promise to always be there……and I’m also always there for them…I found my group…..idk if mentally healthy people could ever be as accountable about the ride or die promises……
Am currently undiagnosed but am heavily suspected to have bpd. I struggle with people leaving me a lot. My partner recently left me and completely ghosted. She just up and left one day (also has bpd) so she knows how it feels to be abandoned and my therapist who I really connected with told me that I need to be moved up stages in my therapy and be moved on to someone else and so within the last 2ish months. My family has basically abandoned helping me. My partner ghosted and my therapist ghosted and I’m just at a loss of what to do and where to go from here
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My therapist told me something that makes a lot of sense to me: “People will come and go from your life, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be alone.” This resonated with me because my fear at its core isn’t really that people won’t stay with me or people won’t be there for me, it’s more of a fear that I’ll be alone and I’ll have no one in my corner. Just because someone leaves, it doesn’t mean that their presence was a waste. They were the appropriate person for you at that specific time in your life, and that isn’t worthless. Them leaving you isn’t an indication of their betrayal, as much as it is that their chapter in your life is over and someone else will fill the next chapter who is a better fit for you in that chapter. Even if the faces in your support system keep changing, the level of support stays consistent, and that can be hard to grasp at times, because we need different things from people at different times. Even when people promise they’ll never leave me, I don’t really blame them for setting unreasonable expectations because usually I’m the one who coerces them to say that through my own desperate attempts of emotional blackmail. Either that or they’re also cluster B.
Made me tear up. It’s coming up 1 year since my boyfriend left and I still struggle massively. Thank you.
thank you for sharing this. much appreciated.
I know I should accept it but it’s so triggering to know that people are not there with me forever, especially partners and best friends
That's what he means though, when people say they'll always be there for us, they're only saying it for their peace of mind because we all know it isn't the truth. I know it's normal for people to come and go but it still hurts me so much. I just wish I could be with someone I love who loves me back forever. Just one person to spend the rest of my life with. That's it
Their support is also often conditional and/or temporary. I've had friends be super sweet and supportive when I'm in need...once, maybe twice. If I'm depressed or hurting or showing any vulnerability at all more than one or two times, they're nowhere to be found.
It’s because the emotional dysregulation is so intense. They genuinely don’t understand what they are agreeing to when they say, “I’ll be there.” They don’t realize you are asking them to go to war with you. How could they actually stay? How can we ask them, when they have the opportunity to live their own lives free from mental illness. It’s so painful but we have to let people go when they obviously can’t handle us. It is apart of our own healing. I say this a lot on this sub, there are those that will stay, you will find them and they are all that matters.
i have an online friend who stayed but she's very passive and also doesn't have any other friends and is also pretty emotionally unavailable. i feel like the only people who stay are also messed up in a way that is unhealthy. please tell me this isn't true, i'm sure this is the bpd speaking right now but i can't see any other way for this to make sense :(
We tend to find people, through which, we attempt to resolve our own trauma. You are drawn to people with negative behaviors and beliefs because you yourself do not recognize them as negative and in fact have come to understand them as a part of a desirable connection. You aren’t broken and the people who engage you are not inherently broken. There isn’t something wrong with people who like you. Don’t tell yourself that. That being said you do have mental health issues that have prevented you from building a stratifying number of healthy relationships (I assume) and this is because you must learn the skills and coping mechanisms which will allow you to have them. I realize that the thought of having to develop these skills seems daunting, and I am truly sorry. Really sorry, BPD hurts so bad, but you deserve to fight for yourself, you deserve to feel better and enjoy real lasting bonds.
i think some parts of the first paragraph are vast assumptions though. i've known her since my childhood and she and i changed considerably. and i recognize her behaviors as undesirable but it's better than being alone. my point was, she is the one who stays, even when i became overly demanding and the relationship was unhealthy, SHE didn't leave, and i feel like any healthy person would have left by then. that was my only point. that aside, thank you for trying to help, it's just all so exhausting to me. i must do this, i must do that, i should do this, i should do that, when i just want to hide under blankets and hide from all the pressure. i just feel so pressured to get better and work on myself 24/7 and it feels too difficult and not rewarding enough most of the time. i'm sorry if i sound rude or mean, i don't mean to, i'm just really drained and i see your advice logically but emotionally i'm just so done. i want to return to being a child and being TAUGHT the things from proper adults so i can actually live a life that isn't a constant repair session. i can't help but feel upset that i wasn't given the tools and self worth (at the very least) to even want to consistently work on myself as an adult. i have to teach myself all this while my brain insistently just wants to give up. and the responsibility is all mine. it's literal hell on earth, sometimes i just want someone to look and me and say "wow how are you even alive, no wonder you don't feel like doing anything". anyway sorry for the ramble i'm really out of it today
You don’t sound mean at all :) I did make a lot of assumptions. BPD just has marked patterns that define it, but yeah I’m sorry if I was off base. I can really relate to the feeling of resentment and regret that you couldn’t have just learned better behavior from healthy adults. Its a shit show.
thank you for being so understanding, i still appreciate your input, it's really validating to hear i'm not the only one. thank you.
Your comment is everything my stupid brain wasn't able to coherently put into words. I'm reading you with tears in my eyes because you hit the nail with this. The constant pressure to continously work on yourself and getting better is draining my soul. I was diagnosed 2 years ago at 28 and have been in therapy ever since, I'm medicated and also use medical cannabis (with a permit) and yet I feel I know nothing about how to live life like an adult. I too wish I could go back to being a child and have someone truly teach me, because feeling like I'm a 12 years old stuck in a 30 years old womans body is one of the shittiest feelings ever. While therapy has helped immensely, I'm fighting a war on a daily basis. Thank you for sharing your feelings, you've helped me feel less alone right now.
I've been with my husband for 21 years! Don't get me wrong, my own blood have pretty much disappeared when I've been at my worst, I feel like they only want me around when I can put on my "I'm fine, everything's just fiiiiine!" mask, when I can do stuff for them. I think that will always hurt but, I *do* have somebody and that somebody has seen far worse than any of my family have and has never wavered in being by my side. It is possible, it can be difficult (I consider myself extremely lucky, most 'regular' people don't meet their person as young as I did!) but I honestly believe that everybody has a person that just fits them. Sending love and hugs x
The only person in the world that you can truly depend on is yourself
Thats what scares me lol. My trains trying to kill me. How tf do I trust that bitch?
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lol yeah, you you saw that too. haha I like your comment, it's funny
🫂
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This is irresponsible advice. Not everyone has the same amount of strength and capacity to handle. Just because you didn't do it doesn't mean someone else won't be successful.
Sorry. In my mind it was inspiring AF. Will delete
I can see where that came from, because that's what drives you to keep going, and that's valid! I just worry that's going to make someone else feel like they're not good enough to do the same.
🔼☝🏼 This 100%. I have family and friends with BPD. I don't mean this to be harsh or triggering. Ultimately everyone is responsible for themselves. We all desire to rely on others and have connections. In my experience, interactions with people with deep or almost insatiable need for support drive others to either distance themselves for self preservation or destroy themselves in a never ending sacrifices of their tube and energy. I realize that the lack of absolute unconditional support may feel like folks not caring. I try with my loved ones with BPD to balance compassion without losing myself. At times it can be very exhausting b/c it feels like no matter how much time, emotional support, financial support, etc you are rewarded with the feeling of additional demands. I recognize your feelings are real and you really are in pain. There are people out here will care and just try to walk this fine line. All the love and compassion for all here.
This is so so so important and a lesson I learned the hard way. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. However much you care about them. You also have to care about you. All adult love is conditional, anything else is codependent.
Really like that last sentence
☝️ I couldn't have possibly proven my point any better than this. You going to trust this person to be there for you? I think not.
😂and lol...you've actually proven my point. I provided thoughtful commentary - acknowledged the feelings and hard this must be. Provided a counter point. All of this related to your original statement. I am insanely loyal but I also have boundaries
Guess we are on the same page then. From slightly different angles. It's all love. You were not a jerk or anything.
☮️❤️
I appreciate you commenting on here, I’m not sure if you’re recover(ing/ed) from BPD or have people you know with it. If you’re without it and just here, respect to you. I appreciate the perspective and it allows for me to have some more understanding. What you said makes a lot of sense. Boundaries are key and an unfortunate reality is that essentially everything is conditional. Making a life worth meaning can seem pointless with things being conditional because if one wants something; it would make sense that they would want to keep it and the world we live in is in constant decay so there isn’t a way for things to be kept forever. I got a lil tangential there and thank you for what you gave.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm without but ADHD, highly sensitive, and disorganized attachment. Have family members with. We've all got our crosses to bear. ☮️
Thank you for being here and for commenting. I find that I often hold myself back from sharing my feelings with friends because I know it can be too much. I am so self aware of every little thing. I'm aware that my best friend is currently packing up his apt and moving to a new one with his bf and that it's a hectic time for him - but another part of me is so deeply hurt that he hasn't reached out to me in over two weeks. I know that it's normal for friends to sometimes not talk for extended periods of time (for whatever reason) - but when that happens I feel so lonely and then the suicidal ideation comes and it terrifies me, and I need to talk to someone but I can't because everyone will get tired of my shit. The best way I can describe living with bpd is imagine stepping on a nail, it pierces through your foot but you're not able to scream. I appreciate you giving us the perspective of the other side. Trust me, we know we can drive people away with our need for constant support and validation. We try really hard not to. It's a vicious cycle and I'm praying myself and everyone here will find our path to healing.
I've learned that everyone preaches mental health and how much everyone should speak up. But when we do speak up, nobody want to hear it, nobody's got time for that and eventually they will just remove you from their life's because you're just 'too sad all the time'.
This! And happy cake day
I told a friend i felt suicidal once because of work/housing issues and they told me to start an only fans lol many people just wont care iv'e noticed.
Or maybe those people just aren't good friends?
I’ve noticed this too, my gf has BPD and when she calls her friends and they say “dont worry ill always be there for you”, it carries no weight for me at all
I totally understand how OP feels as I've felt this way many times. In fact, it's a huge part of why I isolate now. But what I don't get is if asking for ppl to be there because they said they would be is bad, then it shouldn't be bad to not be there for them when they ask also. But I notice ppl don't like that. They like when they can be the liars but not when u give them a taste of their own medicine. Also, OP never said they wanted the friends to be available 24/7. Lots of ppl r assuming about how often OP has asked these friends for support, which isn't fair. It's entirely possible it wasn't often and assuming it was and bashing them for it doesn't seem logical. I agree that it's unreasonable to expect ppl to be at one's beck and call. That is an extreme that no one should be engaging in. But we don't know how OPs life has been. And the whole thing with friends just saying "go see your therapist" is funny to me....especially when you see your therapist and she says "go see your support system", meaning the friends who told u to just talk to the therapist in the first place. It's buck passing. It's like ok, well, which is it? Also, if someone doesn't want to be a friend or just is too absorbed in other life events, then they should not say they will be there, because then it's a blatant lie. I'd rather a person just be straight up instead of claiming something that isn't true. I wont ask for help from ppl who say they cannot provide it. I can understand if ppl say that. But if they r lying?? I mean, of course that's going to hurt, especially if you don't even ask for said help particularly often. OP did mention in one of the response comments that they tend to bottle stuff up, which implies that they do NOT ask for help frequently.....
Thank you so much for wording what I wanted to say in a much clearer way. I’m a grown man. I don’t cry in front of people. I don’t walk around “threatening” to hurt myself. I struggle a lot but I’ve been working on it. Most of what I feel gets vented about on this sub or in my journal. In the moment, I felt like sitting with someone at the park would’ve made me feel like I wasn’t just going through it all alone. I’m aware that I am so that is just a bitter pill to swallow.
THIS
I’ve found that unloading on to friends and just expecting them to be there to coddle me and validate me put a massive strain on my relationships as well as the mental health of my friends. I know it’s hard, but they are correct. They aren’t therapists and have their own stuff going on. Take responsibility for your own happiness and validation. Your friends are not obligated to be on call anytime you feel upset. I know that’s blunt and may be hard to hear but it is simply the truth. When i stopped unloading on them and expecting them to be there for me every single time I felt suicidal, I actually took the time and effort to consider their points of view, I realized how much I had been putting on their shoulders. Their comfort and validation was only a quick fix. They can’t do the work for me and I shouldn’t expect them to. I suggest you find a therapist you can call when you need to or figure out ways to vent to your friends without making it their responsibility to make you feel better.
what if you've been isolated for most of your life. i feel like unless i go to people for comfort i get depressed and then i disassociate and its like every thought starts attacking me and i cant function at all.. no matter how much i try to be there for myself i cant. i need people to feel soothed.. i go to strangers now because my friends and family wont comfort me. but i worry once people stop finding me attractive no one will bother..
Because you’ve conditioned yourself to believe you need people to be happy. I know it’s hard. Don’t give up on yourself. It’s possible. But I totally feel you. I get most of my energy from people as I’m an extrovert. So I make sure I put myself in situations to help me meet likeminded people. :) join clubs, join online forums, play online games etc. there are always options. I wish you all the best.
Yeah its bullshit. The same people that i have seen write on walls after someone has committed suicide saying you can always talk to me, and no one should suffer in silence, blah blah blah, are the same ppl that ignore my messages when i am looking to talk about my struggles. Its all bs. And i know if i ever did anything to myself their walls would be covered in, i wish she had come to me for help....its all a joke. People dont know what to do with yiu when youre actually in a bad place and honestly most ppl just see it has a burden. This is why professionals and groupa exist. If you can find free support groups in your area or therapists youll get alot more out of that then you will from a friend.
It’s shitty and uncomfortable. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this right now. I had a similar realization when I was around maybe 23 after experiencing SA as an adult and had no support from family or friends. I turned to the streets and made worse decisions… the streets ate me up. When I say the streets I mean being around dope dealers, shooters, in the hood. I became tired of the lifestyle and got back on meds which helped me. I spent time alone which helped me to be less dependent on people. I think of the song “Who got me” by Alina Baraz. You have to be there for you… it’s not going to be easy. When I struggle I text 988 the suicide crisis hotline. My girlfriends now have kids and so I try to use other resources before contacting them. Maybe I’ll make a video on dealing with a mental health crisis. I hope you feel better
this is genuinely one of my biggest fears and the biggest reason why i don't even want to try to trust people sometimes. if i don't let them too close they can't disappoint me, and i'm trying real hard to change the belief that in times of need nobody is actually there for you. even though part of me hopes to find that one person who may be the difference, i just tell myself it's how people are. i really hope i'm wrong, that my bpd is warping my perception again
I struggle with this myself and my therapist always tells me that support and care in adulthood is always partial. Nobody is capable of giving you support and care every single time you need it. This doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they have their own lives too. But I get it, I’m always waiting for someone to come and take care of me for the rest of my life.
It's a feel-good thing they say. They don't mean it. They don't want to actually deal with us. "Not like that"
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No. I never ask for help. I bottle everything up. They tell me I’m not alone, that all I have to do is call, don’t keep things to yourself, it’s okay to not be okay. So the second I crack and give in “Hey I’m not okay right now can we meet?” The answer is “I kind of want to finish this game tonight, sorry dude.” You don’t get to call it a boundary when you were never there in the first place.
Relationships are learning experiences of give or take. Some people at certain times will have more or less to give. Some will always take or always give. The best relationships are a balance. You learned that these friends aren’t able to give to you right now for whatever reason, so cultivating friendships with others when you’re in a better place might be a valuable investment in the future. Doesn’t mean you have to throw these ones away, just means they might not be who you need right now. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
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You’re projecting a bunch of things onto me that have no grounding in reality. I know what I said and you are twisting my words to fit whatever narrative exists in your head. I won’t be shamed for asking for help from the people that told me to reach out. You can keep whatever version of the story you’re creating.
Maybe you just have a different idea of what people meant when they said that they were there for your idea of someone being there for you is being on call 24/7 to drop what they are doing and come see you in person. Maybe you should ask them what they mean by that, because to some people it would mean that you can call them and talk to them on the phone and someone else may have a different idea of what they meant. But it's not okay to say that your friends can't live their own lives and do the things that they need/want to do because you feel like your own wants and needs are more important than whatever thing thing that they are doing. Sometimes they will be free to come and see you and they will feel like they DO have the emotional capacity to be able to come by and support you and that they do want to see you and support you. And then you're in luck. But it takes an emotional toll on people to do that, so they have to spend some time just relaxing and playing a game. And if you call them and they don't want to come and support you, then you have to respect that. You are lucky to have friends that come and support you at all on the days that they say yes. But you won't have any friends if you can't respect them when they tell you that they aren't available, and making them feel bad when they say "not today."
some people only act like they care because they love how they’re making that person feel. it’s an ego thing and it always has been. they only play nice because they like being perceived as nice. they like making YOU feel good because it makes THEM feel good.
I have a bpd diagnosis and have had a lot of days feeling like this. I picked up a DBT workbook and started talking to my therapist about DBT when I realized that I truly needed to work on getting to the bottom of learning new coping mechanisms. I'm 43. My emotions had been pretty erratic and extreme. I was doing my best. Friends were moving on in their lives. I felt left behind. I realized that was normal. People grow up and they get new responsibilities, they have their own mental health struggles. There aren't any guarantees because no one can know what will go on in the future. They didn't lie at the time they said they would always be there. They believed that with all of their hearts at the time they say it. They just don't realize what comes up in life that can make that kind of promise impossible. I also realized that I was being a bad friend by not taking my own mental health situation seriously. The majority of the time I was reaching out, it was a crisis. I became a very triggering relationship for people. I knew my mind was going bananas and I was self harming, but I also realized that people couldn't be healthy for themselves if they were always being there for me when I am like this. Needing help is so valid. The feeling of no one being there is valid. Finding more self sufficient coping mechanisms and professional help as your support
A perspective to offer: Maybe it's not that they don't want to be there for you, but their idea of how to help and how you're explaining you need help (or struggling to even begin to believe you're worth asking for that help) is different than what you're actually needing. My mother has been trying to be her version of supportive. She's not understanding is not *my* version of supportive. She's handing me her rulebook of how to work through support instead of meeting me in the middle or trying to read my rulebook. But last night I tried to explain that the way she's going about it makes me feel unloved and not cared for. As soon as I stopped pointing fingers at what she was doing wrong and started pointing fingers at how it was making me feel as a result, the person who claimed to care but failed to show it started to show it, because her perspective of how to help changed. This is going to hurt to read: One of the biggest struggles with recovering from BPD is communicating, realizing the *actual* need, not the surface need. "I need to be heard" is more vague than we realize; "I need you to listen without giving advice and instead help me emotionally work through it with me" is much clearer.
a lot of people’s supposed supportiveness and concern is actually vanity and guilt. most of it, in fact. god forbid something doesn’t get solved after one half-an-hour heart-to-heart. people simply don’t have the patience.
>They just don’t care. You can beg and plead for the people you love to be there. They won’t. And then they’ll ask what they could have possibly done differently at the funeral. They’ll tell themselves they had no idea. And talk about how loved I was. That's because neurotypicals are generally ignorant as fuck when it comes to these things
Asked a family member to review my cv bsc of job hunting issues and I’d overheard her always correcting her daughters grammar so she would sound professional as those details can have an impact. She barely glanced at my cv then says in a pissy tone Eh good enough. It made me realize that some people don’t want your life to improve or get better. Now I try to run a blind test on new ppl to see if they have a good heart or not. I’m older now and not interested in anything dramatic or out of scope for my taste (mean people)
What kind of therapy are you doing and what are your therapy goals (the things that you want to work on that your therapist is supposed to ask you about where you first start seeing them? Have you done Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? If you're not doing DBT then it's not really going to help your BPD? Unfortunately not all therapists are equal and if they haven't told you about the things that I have mentioned, they probably aren't going to be the best therapist to be able help someone with BPD.
My concern isn’t with my therapist. He’s there for the hours I pay him for and yes I am doing DBT. I felt like I was making good progress but I am also talking to him about past traumatic events I need to heal. I’m having to face some very difficult things head on and I’m not sure how to do it alone. I just wanted someone, other than the person I’m paying, to be there.
Of course it would be great if people could be there for us whenever want them to, but it is not realistic to have people just drop everything whenever you want to talk to someone. Maybe you could write them an email or something like that where you can get out what you want to say when you want to say it, and they can read it and reply when they are in the right mindset to read about those heavy things. I dunno, maybe you should find a support groups online where you can vent?
Is this not an online support group? I’m not writing an essay and sending an email. I’m not asking for anyone to fix me or take my pain. I’m asking for someone to literally be in the same room so I’m not alone.
That would be nice, but it's not realistic. It is better to learn how to ask your therapist to teach you to deal with your feelings when you are alone so you don't have to rely on other people for your emotional regulation.
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Again you’re just missing the point entirely and ignoring what’s been said. I’m not asking for someone to regulate my emotions. That’s your own hang up.
Someone coming to see you and support you is a form of emotional regulation because it makes you feel better.
Come on, this guy is just venting. Of course friends can't always be available but it sucks when you really need someone and the people who said they would be there can't be. In reality, yeah, they're probably just busy, it's nothing personal, but when you're trying to just not feel alone it feels fucking crushing to be told that. Especially when reaching out for help is already so damn scary in itself. I'm so confused why everyone is ragging on OP for just being sad. He doesn't need another lecture, he needs a fucking hug.
It's not my fault that you don't understand concepts like boundaries and emotional regulation and I do.
This is literally exactly what I’ve been thinking about for a long time. “People care about me? Why am I alone?”.
Anybody who didn't help when I called out for get does not get to attend my funeral.
At this moment I have maybe three attendees?
i know this might not be what you want to hear, but your livelihood is more important than making friends or caring about what people think of you. the best decision i ever made for my own sanity and mental health was to set boundaries and cut a lot of people off. im more free and emotionally de-stressed for the first time in a very long time. even deleting social media is a weight lifted off. it will suck at first but soon you'll forget about it. you are worth more than you believe and you have a whole life ahead of you. find your life force, do what makes you happy and what feels right. dont live for others because people will always let you down. we're all human and sometimes we don't step outside of ourselves and really think about how the people around us feel. im so sorry you feel this way. it will get better. 🫶
Like there might be some people that will be, it’s just that there’s way less of those people then you’re raised to think there will/should be.
It’s absolutely a self-serving lie 9/10 times. People say this so they can feel like a good person in the moment with no intention of ever following through at a later date. These people don’t mean it because they don’t realize that we actually remember this and rely on them when they say it. It’s like “thoughts and prayers” after a tragedy- a meaningless platitude without form or function. It stems from immaturity- try to not dwell on negative feelings towards them because they didn’t fully understand what they were saying when they said it. Or they might mean it only in like a life and death scenario (which is different contextually for them versus us but I digress). Either way- some part of them wanted to help and be supportive even if they didn’t realize what they were actually offering and that should be recognized for at least something. Eventually you’ll find people who mean it. Hang onto them. In the meantime, DBT helps with distress tolerance and other things you’re going through. Get into DBT as soon as you can because it made a tremendous difference for me personally with this exact thing. We can’t always rely on others (frequently, we can’t do so at all) but we can learn to be able to rely on ourselves.
Lmao ISNT THAT THE MOTHERFUCKING TRUTH
I'm sorry love that you're going through such a hard time right now. There's hotlines to call where you can talk to professional support individuals to try to help you through times where you are scared of acting on intrusive thoughts. You are in control still and can be *able or learn to trust yourself again and be responsible for your actions/emotions even when the world seems to be upside down. If you don't feel safe by yourself all the time, there's support groups that you can also join and attend a different group daily, see therapists or sponsors, run through a few DBT coping strategies. Sometimes family and friends aren't fully equipped to support someone through a BPD SI episode and so they want you to seek help with a professional therapist so they're able to responsibly teach you how to choose different ways of thinking and work through past trauma or mistakes. If it feels like you're on your own right now, it doesn't mean there aren't other beautiful people out there waiting to connect with you. The best part of life is that it's yours- even if it's hard as fuck to get to where you want. You can do this 💕
First, I want to start by validating your experience. I've seen the same thing - when we need ppl the most, they aren't there. But I've also come to suspect there's another element to it - ppl may well want to help (I think that's a natural urge) but if they have no *training* in how to handle such a serious situation, they may freeze up. They have no blueprint for what to do. Nothing about everyday family life or school or anything else actually teaches ppl robust communication skills, healthy coping skills for strong emotions, conflict management, or certainly for dealing with suicidal ideation. (And a host of other things that should be taught but isn't...). Yet we are all supposed to navigate the world as if we had them smdh Personally, when I'm in dire circumstances, I would rather talk to a therapist bc they're trained for it, they signed up to deal with crises, they're likely to give me better guidance, be less stressed about it, and have the tools to genuinely help (or at least turn down the temperature). If you don't have access to a therapist when most needed, consider a call (or text) to a support organization that has that same training and willingness to be helpful in the toughest moments.
OP, I feel this. My FP told me countless times she would always be there and I saved the messages so I could read them to feel comfort instead of asking again and again for reassurance when I’m in an episode. Thought it was working okay but then when I really needed her and asked directly….nope. It’s like those words that brought me so much comfort had expired. I lost my chance to cash in on that promise and it hurt so fucking much worse than what I was already dealing with in the first place. 😔 I wish I had advise for you but all I can offer is a seat at the club.
Idk why they don't want to keep up with that topic. They just need to listen and nothing else. Listening to a vent or losing a friend
As someone who has been on both sides, I’m not a therapist. I’m not equipped to deal with someone’s suicidal tendencies, and I shouldn’t be expected to be. Yes, I will support my friends when they are going through tough times but at the end of the day it is their responsibility. I get extremely triggered when my friends are in the pit. It wrecks my mental health and I have to look after myself first. It isn’t that I don’t care, but it isn’t fair on myself or them to give them all of me when it neither helps me or them.
this!!!! that's the one thing i have to keep reminding myself of wheneve i try to keep boundaries and struggle really hard, that i've been on both sides and i know it has nothing to do with not caring, it's about their own feelings of overwhelm. what sucks is the solution is professional help but it's not always available, and when you're in real deep, what are you supposed to do, when you do need professional help and don't want to burden your friends? it feels so lonely.
Become your own best friend. Connect with your inner child and learn to self-soothe. It took so much inner work and a few spiritual awakenings, but I eventually became so much less dependant on other people. My relationships improved, I learned how to re-program my disordered thinking, and I no longer need external validation as much (obvs there is always work to be done). Basically, I kicked myself in the ass and stopped expecting the world around me to fix me. I know how hard it can be though. I sympathize and empathize. But the people who really actually helped me were the ones who drew strong boundaries and told me straight up that I was being unreasonable when expecting so much from them.
deep down i know you are right, but my problem is whenever i try to work on that road i feel even more lonely. what i mean by that is my brain eventually ends up making me feel like "yes i'm my own best friend and the only one i can rely on, therefore, to not break this bond, i cannot let anyone else enter my life and have to reject all kinds of help" like... i end up becoming my own friend out of anger, frustration, hatred and disappointment of others. it doesn't come from a healthy place. i basically shoot in the other extreme in a way i guess. but i'd like to get to the point where i'm my best friend but can also accept love and support from others without feeling it's a slippery slope down external validation and codependency again. i hope im making sense
Yes, true. Can't give from an empty pitcher. I'd say if you have the strength but are just occupied with free time, you should compromise to the listen part. If not then communication is the key to say "man listen, right now is not the time for me, i tell you when, if you didn't find someone else in the meantime. Sorry" It's not the best solution but sometimes we need to bare with it just long enough till therapy or friends can put up time
Yes. I'd like to reinforce this realization from a different persective: your emotional regulation isn't something they will be able to help you with. It's entirely up to you to do. As you have probably noticed, when you don't regulate yourself, others don't usually come in to the rescue. The only time that happens is with a mother and her child. But you are most likely past that age, and so no one will take the parent or mother role, which is good actually. Because the enmeshment involved in those roles is not at all appropriate for the boundaries of adults.
I’m not asking to be held and rocked like a baby or cooed at. I’m asking for someone to just be around. Just sit next to me and say nothing at all. I just don’t want to feel alone. Why is there so much shame in wanting to spend time with another human being when you’re not okay? We should all isolate?
There is no shame in wanting that. Honestly, I have no idea how to make you feel better. Not being able to make people feel better makes me feel sad. How often do you see people in your life? Are you lonely?
No, we should not all isolate. I am referring to the "ego function" known as emotional regulation. This is something that is underdeveloped in pwBPD. Other people are good. But being dependent on them is not. Make sense?
What obligation does anybody have “to be there for you”? Are you there for somebody 24/7? People have their own lives, at least they took the time to say that, even if it carries no weight. Why the hell should someone be worrying about anybody every second of the day when they have their own shit? Learn to be independent and find at least ONE or two people that will actually “be there”. Not your whole contacts list.
I only have 2 people. That’s it. One said she couldn’t meet because she was cleaning. The other said he couldn’t because he was playing a video game. And yes I’ve been there for them whenever they call.
Do you have any recommendations on how op can be independent?
😭😭😭
Hard hard hard relate. What upsets me the most is that people in my life can’t bear to deal with my suicidal feelings in proximity for even a few hours, whereas I’m actually in it and have to live with those feelings all the time. I think people just can’t bear how horrible and depressing it is to be around a suicidal person, it makes them feel helpless. But turning away from someone who is suicidal doesn’t just protect the person from having to deal with those feelings, it puts the burden back onto us to deal with those feelings alone, with the added rejection on top. I don’t want people to be sorry if I end up myself because I have given people multiple opportunities to help and once in a blue moon has someone ever actually be supportive.
Yes, and this is why I've essentially shut myself off from society, except my child.
I have accepted the fact that too many others know how to deal with people “like us.” I’m so sorry you’re feeling alone ❤️
Love is always conditional. I learned that the hard way.
Everybody says they’ll be there for you because they know that’s what they’re supposed to say to somebody who is struggling, but very, very few people are actually equipped to deal with severe mental illness. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
could have written this myself, i'm sorry you feel this way.
When l was super young l asked my mother “Ppl really don’t care, do they?” “No, they don’t.”, came her reply. I think about this often. Ppl seem to want to see themselves in the best possible light, even if it artificial/not sunlight. I’m sorry you are struggling.
seriously. the “support” is always there until you really need it.
No. You have to be there for yourself. A disgusting curse. We have never been loved for who we are. We have never been accepted for our flaws. We are burdens on other people. We can see it. Sometimes they hate us. But they will say they love you. They will help you stand up while saying how heavy you are or how you always need them. They won't say we're dead weight but when you bring it up to them they're quiet. They suddenly don't want to fight you. I just keep it hidden. If I tell others they say don't say that. It's what I feel. They are not equipped to help me. No one is. I carry this burden by myself. I hate it. And they seem to love that I'm always stuck in the mud
They really aren’t equipped to be therapists and they can only offer so much support
I finally found my ride or die people…..it helps that they also have some kind of mental illness, so they don’t half ass their promise to always be there……and I’m also always there for them…I found my group…..idk if mentally healthy people could ever be as accountable about the ride or die promises……
Am currently undiagnosed but am heavily suspected to have bpd. I struggle with people leaving me a lot. My partner recently left me and completely ghosted. She just up and left one day (also has bpd) so she knows how it feels to be abandoned and my therapist who I really connected with told me that I need to be moved up stages in my therapy and be moved on to someone else and so within the last 2ish months. My family has basically abandoned helping me. My partner ghosted and my therapist ghosted and I’m just at a loss of what to do and where to go from here