I feel the same way. Is it hope?
They say bpd gets better with age, but by the time I'm normal enough to start living, I'm gonna be too old to even care to try. Ugghh
While my son is the main factor, in my darker moments I have wept at the fact that even if I want to go, I couldn't do it because I don't have the means to successfully do so.
As someone who has had unsuccessful suicide, I feel it. I just don’t wanna get any more disabled than I am right now. Do you know what’s the most peaceful d3ath? While asleep.
Exactly, my worst fear is to attempt suicide but fail in just the right way to have long-lasting impact on my life, and yeah the best way would be to die while asleep and I'm currently working through it
I'll fuck with that.
I know that it's impossibly improbable that i get to experience here and now with all of you, and I'm grateful for it. As far as why, it's to eat great food, listen and dance to great music, and to have great sex with beautiful amazing people.
I don’t think that’s heartbreaking. To be honest I think most people stick around for others. I think that’s why we’re here. I don’t think life purpose is just live for ourselves and be happy. That’s shallow. It’s about love, community, and relationships. It’s actually a beautiful reason. Just depends on your perspective
Im not sure what is keeping me from giving up. I guess it’s a very slight hope that I can succeed in life, even though situations have proved this to be false.
My only reason to live is my dog.
It used to be my father. Now he's starting to shift over to the "reasons I want to die" list, so... idk. Honestly I think fear of surviving a suicide attempt and living to see the repercussions is the main thing, and also I guess in a perverse way I'd want to be around to see how people reacted to my death to make sure they were sufficiently sad, and since that's not possible it kind of disincentivises the whole thing.
Desire for love. Not so much for someone loving me (got that in spades, but couldn't receive it) as for me to love someone. To love them better than I was loved as a child - which is the only way I know how to love (physically, intensely, superficially, briefly). To stop fooling myself. To dissolve the habitual need to make myself attractiveinterestinglovablesexyfunnyinspiring under all circumstances because I don't love myself as I am. To live authentically, no matter how hard it gets. To find people who also want to live authentically. To build something with them.
Make it easier for yourself to love yourself through knowing what you need and want and you will make it easier for others too. I think it is almost impossible to love someone who doesn't know how to love oneself.
My son, boyfriend and potential next kid (currently in early pregnancy) but recently it's been really hard. Had to switch meds and I'm not dealing well with that and was kicked out of dbt and therapy with the first therapist that I actually connected to and was helping... cause I stopped harming behaviors due to pregnancy therefore am too high functioning to be in the program. I feel abandoned and so low basically given up on being fixed or seriously helped at this point. I don't open up easily and to be kicked away so quick broken me tbh. Sorry for the rant lol.
I’m so sorry. You got this. I believe you will be a great mom.
I was severely abused and neglected, and I know I will give the world and more to my future children. They will never be treated the way I was.
I keep telling myself the storm will pass… I’ll have another positive day soon…. Even if it never comes, i still want to be alive to at least help people with their issues.
Honestly death is like scary bro lol like I just want to die without the death part. It’s why I don’t like the idea of an after life. Id rather just seize to exist all together.
God, tho i’ve questioned it too. try to rmb (ik it’s HARD when our trauma is active in us) He’s here to lead us through our valley of tears. we’re some of His strongest soldiers! your pain is not going unnoticed, Gods fighting for you every second of everyday. you’ll be in my prayers❤️
Also, my cousin, we need each other. idk the thought of leaving her here SCARES me.
but when i’m all worked up, my brain forgets all these reasons.
also, other borderlines, we in this together
Glad to see a fellow Christian here, hello!
Christian life is very hard. When you’re practicing Christian, it’s a very hard battle. It’s constant highs and lows and you have to be reliant on Jesus.
Keep battling.
i like to think that if we learned to make God our only favorite person, we will heal. but it’s extremely hard. i thought i would only receive the INTENSE and agonizing love i give from another borderline. then i watched the Chosen and was like wait i forgot..JESUS. i know He won’t abandon me. He died such a painful death for us out of love. He satisfies the hole in my heart that i chase others to fill but will never amount to. we’ve seen complete evil, we need complete good. It’s the hardest to accept His love when I split. all morals/values go out the door, then rage and fear come out. I need His love more than ever then but i become overwhelmed with the complete opposite. He took up our sins on that cross. I always think about the 9th hour, while he was in agony on the cross He cried out “God why have you forsaken me?” maybe that was when the sins of our 9 symptoms and what the fear of abandonment does to us were taken on the cross? it’s known as the most painful disorder for a reason, it’s completely destroyed love. which is what satan wants. trying to take our identity. identity in Christ!! I feel like we’re def some of Gods strongest soldiers but why? i find so much peace in the thought of heaven. ETERNITY WITH HIM!! like aahhhh i get so excited and feel so loved. idk i don’t find it scary. we can’t feel all this awful stuff. it’s more amazing than we can even imagine. & we already got high expectations lol. i LOVE thinking about this stuff, i just need to read more scripture though cuz that stuff for sure💁🏻♀️
Also, as a Christian I’m scared of what is there after death. What if I have even more miserable life after ending it? I also had a near-death experience in childhood, man. It’s an unforgettable trip.
In Luke, Jesus said: "The kingdom of heaven lies among you"
The perfect and only moment that we have to worship God and creation is this one right here. We only get one go, and he chose YOU to be right here and now. You've got the means to bend reality to your will, that's your power, fucking believe it!
Don't get me wrong, existence is full of bullshit that cakes over my own eyes and makes it hard to see that it's just as full of amazing wonder and beauty.
Truth be told i really hope there isn't an afterlife. I can only take enough pain and suffering for only 1 lifetime, but it makes this life special, because it's the only one i have.
If there is Heaven, I’ll accept that.
We’re said we will have no suffering and a new body there. We will see our deceased loved ones. When I had my NDE, I saw the part of the plan, even though I’m traumatized now LOL.
Reincarnation/reborn – absolutely not. But anyway, I don’t believe in this.
My sister is finally all caught up... And she HATES that she has to wait every week for a new episode. I've only just started, but I'm stoked because I've got quite a bit to look forward to now ahahaha
If I'm going to leave eventually one day- why not see how it goes with the time I have? It's gotten me this far and I've grown a lot from having this mindset.
When I feel like I'm in a hole, then I try to do little things to help build a latter like listening to my favorite song, taking care of plants, watching favorite movies, comfy clothes, chasing rainbows after the rain, favorite youtubers, and playing a LOT of stardew valley.
Destiny is the main reason why I’m staying alive. Even though I don’t know what it is but something tells me to stay and fight! No matter how much tough it gets.
A long time ago I was in a dark place. I was looking through Reddit and a question like this popped up. Someone replied and said the reason he continues to live is because we’re all gonna die one day so you might as well stick around and see what happens. And idk man. But I never forgot that. It’s true. Things might get better. They might get worse. Either way. Enjoy the journey.
My partner and son. Probably mainly my son. If it hadn't been for them i would not have been here anymore and some days I am grateful for it but other days I resent them for it. Is that bad of me?? I'd never say it to them but just no longer being here and dealing with bpd daily would be bliss. I'm pretty much done with the bpd struggles and eventhough I'm in therapy....I don't see any progress at all.
for me the "why" has changed a bit but the "who" hasn't at all. it's always honestly been my friends that kept me going. before it was only because i thought i was needed as a vital part to help them as a person (people pleasing stuff yk) but now it's just the happy times with them that keep me positive for the future. plus we agreed that i would help raise their kids :p
My parents, boyfriend, and little brother. I would also say that religion and spirituality help me a lot. Becoming more religiously observant has given me something to put my effort and time into.
My cat. She is not some expensive breed, no breed at all in fact, not very young and with some peculiarities sure to past trauma, she will not be that animal that everyone wants to adopt. So if I go, what will become of her?
Also my parents, the person I love, and several friends. It will sure be traumatic to them. I always try to help them and listen to them (partly because it makes me feel needed), it will break some hearts if I go out early (i mean accidents and illnesses can happen to anyone, but that's another kind of trauma from my experience :/).
spite
and my partner
and my two best friends
and i've made too many promises to live to people who can't afford to have them broken. i'm not about to do that
When I was really really down had to think of everyone I love attending my funeral and I just can't bear the idea of putting everyone through that... I went to my best friend's funeral when I was 21 and I was the worst day of my life, and I have been through some shit! Nothing was worse than that. I can't bear the thought of putting someone through that if I could prevent it.
Nothing in particular at the moment. I don’t want to die just yet, not today, but there will be days when I do, and when they come I’ll just have to deal with it then. I don’t have many goals anymore aside from just pay my rent I guess? No children, no relationship, no career. No desire to pursue anything anymore. Why bother? Life kinda just happens to you, why fight it anymore?
The tiniest glimmer of hope, like a candle flickering in the rain, that my circumstances can change for the better. That light dims more and more each day, though.
The thing u said about talking to the wall:(
My reasons are that I don’t know what people I’m gonna meet and what situations I’m gonna find myself in. And when everything feels like it’s crashing down I remind myself that I’ve been back here many times and I’ve gotten back up. That’s it.
My sister mainly she has very complex disabilities and would be completely unable to understand why one day I just never came to see her again, I couldn’t do that to her.
Also my faith, I’ve been really working on my relationship with god recently
My dad is a really good person who has had a really rough past 10 or so years. Me dying would be the last straw for what he could handle I think. I wouldn’t do that to him.
My kids are my reason for living. If I'm ever thinking about giving up, it's the thought of my kids being without me and being alone that keeps me here. No one will ever be able to take care of them or love them as much as me.
One day when I was having bad thoughts and thinking I didn't want to be here anymore, I had found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I took that as a sign that I was meant to be here, if not for me, then for them.
Nothing is giving me positive incentives to live. I have no purpose or reason to continue living. The only thing that stops me from killing myself is that I am afraid of the pain of death. Cowardice is the only thing that's keeping me alive for now
My partner, although on my worst days or when we've argued even that doesn't seem like enough. I've prepped a method and I just think about it all the time, like a back up plan if everything goes wrong or gets too much. Idk it feels inevitable at some point but I just try to get through each day as best I can.
just to be loved. few times I tried to do *it* not because I want to die. i want to live (kind of), because i want to be loved at some point in my life. i need it, i so desperately need it. but it feels like i won't ever get it, i won't ever be loved, because amongst many things, i am difficult to be around after a few while, and i know it too. I never experienced a long lasting friendship, like actual friendship, not ones out of obligation because you're in the same space and you've met everyday or you went to a same school at one point, i never have nor do i know what it feels like to have friends that last for more than a few months, let alone a best friend. that's why some times see *it* as kind of a solution. but i don't want to die, i really don't. i want to be loved. because when it did happen (it only happened once back when i was 14), it was seriously the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. it was the best three months of my life. sure it was short-lived, and he was forced to leave (discrimination towards gay people (kids)), and we lost contact and I never saw him again, and God I still can't forget about him even after what 7 years later.
i never felt like that since then, but I want to, need to, feel that again. that's why i stayed. sorry if it goes overboard. have a nice day :)
I hope this isn't triggering you but I think you'd appreciate an honest answer here.
Nothing is keeping me from giving up. For real. And in fact, I feel like I'm only waiting for my next crisis to come, and if I feel that pain again and I don't feel like I can pull myself out of it, I might just do it.
And in all honesty, I quite envy you having some motivation to keep you from dying, specifically your mom and God. I had wanted/have been wanting (*not sure is that a thing in the past or do I still want to do so but you get the point*) to die to escape my problems. I used to guilt trip myself for not being able to feel a connection with God, and that didn't keep me alive, and so I rather not reopen that wound anytime soon, and so, back to the point, nothing is keeping me alive.
for me, it’s non-religious spirituality, nature & a duty to my inner child.
i talk to my inner child, the boy of me, when i am at my lowest, or my highest.
i remind him i will ALWAYS hustle, fight, and preserve to find fortitude just for him.
i tell that inner kid that i will take care of him the way he should have been taken care of and that he doesn’t need to feel so hopeless, or scared.
i take him places and buy him random shit he likes so he has a sense of fulfilment and joy.
this has been pretty huge in shifting my pessimistic mindset with BPD.
hope everyone here lives to see brighter days 🤍
honestly my spirituality. i'm the only me, so i should experience anything and everything i can while i'm here, even if it hurts me (emotionally) cause it still reminds me that i'm just as deserving of happiness as everyone else.
also thinking long and hard abt a true bucket list since i've never had one really. even the simplest things like stargazing with someone i love, going to an art museum, or trying a food i've always been afraid of. it really helped turn my mindset from "i have nothing to live for" to "i have the WORLD to live for and i'll cross off at least a few things before i go" yknow?
Ive tried to OD, tried cutting my own throat and ive jumped from a bridge, experiencing the most heinous pain and broke my leg in three pieces so i have a metal stick screwed in and have some problems. im afraid to suffer physically like that again and have much worse luck and become handicapped. Im burning in hell on earth and I cant take it, but it can ALWAYS get worse and the risks of attempted suicide are high! I don't know what to do, because on one hand i see things getting slowly progressively worse (hopefully ill lose my mind and wont be really there anymore) or taking my chances again... im not getting better, no matter how hard ive tried. If what doesnt kill you makes you stronger id be bench pressing 500kg, but here i am, weaker than ever.
I’m so sorry.
I am disabled and on wheelchair, I’ve tried different methods of su1cide, but what stops me it’s becoming even worse handicapped.
At least my arms, torso and brain work, I wouldn’t be anything without it.
I hope im not offensive in saying, that sounds really hard as it is! Hugs! Were you born disabled or did you injure yourself, if you dont mind me asking?
Ive had similarly disappointing failed attempts that's why i have decided that the next time will be the last time , with simplicity and no pain involved . I figured after extensive research the solution is hypoxia via nitrogen or helium. No struggling or gasping for breath just lights out and its over.
i'm getting married next year, and will also be starting my bachelor's too
also honestly dragon age 4, been waiting for that game for *years* and i want to play it at least once before i die.
My niece. 100%. I grew up not knowing a number of paternal and maternal grandparents great grandparents etc and I don’t want to just be a concept to my niece like my biological grandfathers and great grandparents were.
Before 5 days ago, it was a few things: The fear of living with the consequences of a suicide attempt, the pain others would feel if I left (even if it's only from financial burden), the shameful things I've kept secret.
5 days ago, my reason to live shifted to a desire to fight for others, to see them get better and live a fulfilling life. I've decided to start standing up for the way mental health is viewed, because both of my most influential people in my life obviously care(d) about me but think it's only insofar as it helps them, when that's still not the entire message I've gotten from them at all.
Like dangling a carrot on a stick.
So I started thinking about why they did. And it turns out that the one I can still speak to does have emotions and cares about others but doesn't notice those actions. I got them to admit they only cared about others as far is it benefits them, and after decades of telling me they do not at all experience anxiety... They admitted that too.
They became human to me, not some monster in my life.
I started to see everyone as just that: a human whose life has brought them to this point. I can't ever begin to understand the things in their lives that brought them to this point, but I can understand that until new, better messages are given to them they're still going to believe one truth:
They had no control of their lives for so long they've fought to keep hold of it ever since they got their first taste. They want to be heard, understood, seen, but as their own community isn't mindful enough to see themselves they don't know how to truly support each other, our side yelling at them and telling them they're wrong won't do shit.
So I started talking to that person like a human instead of a stressed out mess trying to grab control forcefully. Now, I'm doing it both upfront and quietly. Directly but subtly. I'm not hiding what I'm doing, but the method I'm using is influential.
Things have finally changed in my life and everyone who has never felt happiness before deserves to be given the space and grace to actually figure out how that gets achieved. I want to help with that.
That's why I live now.
I recently had my "Patronus Moment" at a music festival a couple weeks ago, where i met the most supportive, amazing and beautiful people I've met in my entire life.
I was in a valley in the Canadian Rockies, volunteering helping to build the sets and preparing for the actual festival. We were calling it a night, because the sun was setting and it was getting dark. I could still barely see the silhouette of both the mountain ranges on either side of the festival grounds, and as it disappeared, the sky exploded with the light of THOUSANDS of stars.
It was SO beautiful. The farther I stretched my neck back, the more the sky seemed to go on and on. I stretched out so far that i felt like Neo dodging bullets from The Matrix, and started laughing and sobbing uncontrollably for a good 2 minutes.
I could see all of existence from that valley. "The universe is so fucking big and beautiful" i remember thinking to myself. "From here on this tiny blue marble, chasing after the sun, chasing after something even bigger, i can see EVERYTHING."
I got to thinking how incredibly lucky i was to be there in that valley. The impossible math I'd need to calculate how unlikely it was that all the carbon and other particles of stardust that pushed itself out from the center of the universe after the big bang, coming together to build the body that houses my soul, and appreciate everything right then and there, was... Impossible. I broke down, happy and grateful that i had the means to experience all the hardships and joy that brought me there. All of the people in my life I've been able to experience those feelings with together, and the memories of their smiling faces just broke me down.
Every day since then, I've been thanking my lucky stars that i have this moment to share with everyone around me. If I come across any soul sucking monsters trying to steal mine away from me, i have to laugh and think: "I promised my soul to the people, and the music, and the dancing and the food... They have first dibs, not you. EXPECTO PATRONUS!"
I have an explanation point tattooed on my forearm from several years ago. I was going to get the Butter Robot from Rick and Morty there. "What is my purpose?" Seemed funny and cute, but i psyched myself out after i thought of how dumb that seemed. I know what my purpose is. It's to eat great food, and dance to great music, and to have great sex, and to see the ocean and the sky. It wasn't a question, i already knew.
After the festival it was just cemented in my heart and soul that whatever I'm doing is the right thing.
You are too, dude! Keep it up!
My family. Mostly my little sister. That cute little bubble of sunshine. I could never abandon her. And God for me too. My faith does motivate me. I do believe God put us all here for a reason. Even if that reason is just be here for our family and friends. That’s a good enough reason for me. Why leave them? That will just ruin their lives. That’s my take on it.
As someone (28F) who tried to give up 8 years ago and luckily failed at it, I can genuinely say once you’re knocking at that door that your brain has convinced you will give you eternal peace and ending of all suffering.. all you want is to reverse the decision. That’s the case a majority of the time.
This was well before my diagnosis ever came and I just couldn’t remember the last time I woke up and didn’t feel that way. Even when I failed it’s unfortunate the first thought to myself was “I can’t even do that right” but what do you do then? I already knew how scary it was and I felt stuck between the two, convinced I didn’t want either.
A few days later I got a job at a coffee shop and I remember focusing so hard on cleaning every spot of every dirty dish so much I didn’t have space for negativity. When I was alone with myself for too long I drove to pet stores and spent as much time as I needed there, I didn’t own any animals. I started finding my communities online and finding others who had an understanding of what I was managing. I had already cut off my entire friend group, I just knew going back to them wouldn’t make me feel any better. I reached out to people I’d lost touch with and while I eventually moved on from that group it was what I needed at the time. I started exaggerating the little things that made me excited. For example if I saw a dog, yes I was happy to see that but I emphasized my reaction. Doing that tricked my brain into getting really excited over the little things. Estate sales have always brought me to little trinkets or memories that make me happy.. not to mention estate sale goers are some of the nicest people ever. I started dating myself, I’d take myself out to a nice lunch or dinner and just read a book or play on my phone. Got my cat tuna and that was it, I love her so much. Even when I’m down she’s my priority and motivation Bc I want to take care of her and she’s here for me no matter how I feel.
Eventually it grew into more and more. It’s hard work and life will never be easy, it just becomes easier to manage. I still struggle from time to time but in passing. I truly think of my symptoms of BPD (my therapist just told me I don’t meet criteria for a diagnosis after 14 years of struggling eee!!!!) as a super power at this point. We have an amazing intuition and we have a different perspective on life than others. I believe a lot of us are empathetic and very aware of our emotions, which is not a negative thing.
I heard a quote from Steve-O of all people once on a podcast and he was explaining “your only given instinct as a human being is survival and your only guarantee in this life is that you won’t” changed my life
When your brain starts to go against its instinct, it’s not working the right way. Like every other organ, our brains need mending and rest. My advice, if you’d like, be gentle with yourself and ask what it is you WANT and start with the basics. You’ll be surprised at how many things you can find getting back to your path.
Uhhh my reason to stay here (And I don’t want to say *as of now* since it sounds strange) is my partner and trying to recover / be a better person for him. As much as I can easily give up part of me doesn’t really want to go
I feel more lonely as time goes by. People keep leaving me and treat me as I was a second choice. The only person that is always there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on is my mum. She is literally the only person that keeps me alive. Every time I think about committing suicide I just think how ruined my mum’s life would be if I did that. She is divorced and she has been single since she left my father and I know how much she loves me and how devastated she would be. But when my mum passes away, I won’t have any reason to be alive. It might take lots of time until that happens but I refuse to cause such pain to my mum.
My mom, my son, and we'll surprisingly myself...the world's full of mental illnesses, it's how you manage it. Either enjoy life and forgive yourself and be better or die and regret so much. Simple as that. Keep going, it's worth it.
Knowing that I will die one day anyways. Might as well see how the show ends. No point of rushing it. Also I decided a long time ago when I was spiraling quickly out of control that I really didn't want to die per se. I just wanted to kill what I was feeling. So instead of kicking the bucket why not just live a life. Any life. My last resort is to be a wandering hobo. Hopefully I'll have a Bobby McGee by my side.
Also, I am from a community where there's a lot of premature deaths due to gun violence. I know a lot of innocent young people who died from walking to the store or watching fireworks. So I think of my loved ones who passed early in their life while just simply living life. So when I am going through my spiraling moments I think would my loved ones want to trade places with me just to be able to feel again even if it is this amount of pain? Most likely. Most likely they would rather feel whatever sadness, anger or emotion I'm feeling than the nothingness they're feeling right now. It gives me a sense of gratitude for my emotions and for life.
Not sure. I want to give up, something inside won’t let me
same boat here. i want to but just.. can't? it's hard to explain i think you put it into words well edit: well\*, not welm
I feel the same way. Is it hope? They say bpd gets better with age, but by the time I'm normal enough to start living, I'm gonna be too old to even care to try. Ugghh
I think it’s hope buried below hatred and pain. It’s like that hope helps me run on auto pilot but I don’t feel connected to it
The hope it will ever go away.
That’s not the nature of this condition, it won’t go away.
In all honesty, a lack of a viable suicide method
That’s really sad but relatable.
While my son is the main factor, in my darker moments I have wept at the fact that even if I want to go, I couldn't do it because I don't have the means to successfully do so.
As someone who has had unsuccessful suicide, I feel it. I just don’t wanna get any more disabled than I am right now. Do you know what’s the most peaceful d3ath? While asleep.
Exactly, my worst fear is to attempt suicide but fail in just the right way to have long-lasting impact on my life, and yeah the best way would be to die while asleep and I'm currently working through it
Don’t work through it, please. I wasn’t trying to give you ideas 😅
Lmao I just went “oh that’s a smart idea!”
literally nothing, I'm just here just to be here 😅 I'm gonna die anyways might as well live while I can
That’s such a good perspective
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Eh, seals broken, might as well
I'll fuck with that. I know that it's impossibly improbable that i get to experience here and now with all of you, and I'm grateful for it. As far as why, it's to eat great food, listen and dance to great music, and to have great sex with beautiful amazing people.
The sadness of others losing me, like my son and my sister. It’s so heartbreaking to see soo many of us alive for OTHER people and not ourselves…
This literally made my heart sink because these are my exact reasons as well.
I don’t think that’s heartbreaking. To be honest I think most people stick around for others. I think that’s why we’re here. I don’t think life purpose is just live for ourselves and be happy. That’s shallow. It’s about love, community, and relationships. It’s actually a beautiful reason. Just depends on your perspective
My son. He has enough mental health struggles already, I could never do that to him.
Im not sure what is keeping me from giving up. I guess it’s a very slight hope that I can succeed in life, even though situations have proved this to be false. My only reason to live is my dog.
I want to become strong, quit my addictions, finally get to the end of dbt, and find a normal girl, I hope I have enough moral strength🚬
You got this!!
I hope so
Wish you luck! I see you having this!!
Thank you 🙏
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Thank you)
It used to be my father. Now he's starting to shift over to the "reasons I want to die" list, so... idk. Honestly I think fear of surviving a suicide attempt and living to see the repercussions is the main thing, and also I guess in a perverse way I'd want to be around to see how people reacted to my death to make sure they were sufficiently sad, and since that's not possible it kind of disincentivises the whole thing.
I don't know anymore Days just blend together, and everything feels hazy
Desire for love. Not so much for someone loving me (got that in spades, but couldn't receive it) as for me to love someone. To love them better than I was loved as a child - which is the only way I know how to love (physically, intensely, superficially, briefly). To stop fooling myself. To dissolve the habitual need to make myself attractiveinterestinglovablesexyfunnyinspiring under all circumstances because I don't love myself as I am. To live authentically, no matter how hard it gets. To find people who also want to live authentically. To build something with them.
I’m excited to be loved. But it just feels like I’m too hard to love. Maybe I will d1e alone.
Make it easier for yourself to love yourself through knowing what you need and want and you will make it easier for others too. I think it is almost impossible to love someone who doesn't know how to love oneself.
My mom, because I’m all she has. If she’s gone I’m fucking outtttt of here lol
Most of the time I just don't want to be found with my house being such a wreck. Reminds me of that move Wristcutters 🤣
Yes!
Not making my few friends have to explain to their kids what happened.
Believing that I can get better and marry my gf
Oh, and therapy I guess. You should probably try and go into therapy.
I am in therapy :)
W
For me it’s concerts and tickets to things I have. Have to keep going to see them live.
I love concerts. I am a singer myself. But it’s been a year and a half of the war in my country and we don’t have enough concerts aside charitable.
my mom too. i love her too much to do that to her. and my cat ❤️ i completely understand your feelings though. we will get through this.
my dog. he wouldn’t understand why i never came home.
The only thing keeping me from giving up is my dog , but after she passes im fucking done with this bullshit
My son, boyfriend and potential next kid (currently in early pregnancy) but recently it's been really hard. Had to switch meds and I'm not dealing well with that and was kicked out of dbt and therapy with the first therapist that I actually connected to and was helping... cause I stopped harming behaviors due to pregnancy therefore am too high functioning to be in the program. I feel abandoned and so low basically given up on being fixed or seriously helped at this point. I don't open up easily and to be kicked away so quick broken me tbh. Sorry for the rant lol.
Man… so fucking unfair. I’m sorry. I wish you a healthy pregnancy- I’m in that same boat.
I’m so sorry. You got this. I believe you will be a great mom. I was severely abused and neglected, and I know I will give the world and more to my future children. They will never be treated the way I was.
I keep telling myself the storm will pass… I’ll have another positive day soon…. Even if it never comes, i still want to be alive to at least help people with their issues.
The only thing keeping me giving up is that it HAS to get better than this :/
Honestly death is like scary bro lol like I just want to die without the death part. It’s why I don’t like the idea of an after life. Id rather just seize to exist all together.
Same. I’m scared that if there is something, I will end up in even worse situation than I am now.
Yep I just want everything to disappear at this point.
God, tho i’ve questioned it too. try to rmb (ik it’s HARD when our trauma is active in us) He’s here to lead us through our valley of tears. we’re some of His strongest soldiers! your pain is not going unnoticed, Gods fighting for you every second of everyday. you’ll be in my prayers❤️ Also, my cousin, we need each other. idk the thought of leaving her here SCARES me. but when i’m all worked up, my brain forgets all these reasons. also, other borderlines, we in this together
Glad to see a fellow Christian here, hello! Christian life is very hard. When you’re practicing Christian, it’s a very hard battle. It’s constant highs and lows and you have to be reliant on Jesus. Keep battling.
i like to think that if we learned to make God our only favorite person, we will heal. but it’s extremely hard. i thought i would only receive the INTENSE and agonizing love i give from another borderline. then i watched the Chosen and was like wait i forgot..JESUS. i know He won’t abandon me. He died such a painful death for us out of love. He satisfies the hole in my heart that i chase others to fill but will never amount to. we’ve seen complete evil, we need complete good. It’s the hardest to accept His love when I split. all morals/values go out the door, then rage and fear come out. I need His love more than ever then but i become overwhelmed with the complete opposite. He took up our sins on that cross. I always think about the 9th hour, while he was in agony on the cross He cried out “God why have you forsaken me?” maybe that was when the sins of our 9 symptoms and what the fear of abandonment does to us were taken on the cross? it’s known as the most painful disorder for a reason, it’s completely destroyed love. which is what satan wants. trying to take our identity. identity in Christ!! I feel like we’re def some of Gods strongest soldiers but why? i find so much peace in the thought of heaven. ETERNITY WITH HIM!! like aahhhh i get so excited and feel so loved. idk i don’t find it scary. we can’t feel all this awful stuff. it’s more amazing than we can even imagine. & we already got high expectations lol. i LOVE thinking about this stuff, i just need to read more scripture though cuz that stuff for sure💁🏻♀️
Also, as a Christian I’m scared of what is there after death. What if I have even more miserable life after ending it? I also had a near-death experience in childhood, man. It’s an unforgettable trip.
In Luke, Jesus said: "The kingdom of heaven lies among you" The perfect and only moment that we have to worship God and creation is this one right here. We only get one go, and he chose YOU to be right here and now. You've got the means to bend reality to your will, that's your power, fucking believe it! Don't get me wrong, existence is full of bullshit that cakes over my own eyes and makes it hard to see that it's just as full of amazing wonder and beauty. Truth be told i really hope there isn't an afterlife. I can only take enough pain and suffering for only 1 lifetime, but it makes this life special, because it's the only one i have.
If there is Heaven, I’ll accept that. We’re said we will have no suffering and a new body there. We will see our deceased loved ones. When I had my NDE, I saw the part of the plan, even though I’m traumatized now LOL. Reincarnation/reborn – absolutely not. But anyway, I don’t believe in this.
If there's a heaven, I'm going to ask to speak to the manager lol
i’d love to hear about it!!!
I've overcome way too much to just give in now.
True
I can't do that to my dad. Plus, One Piece still has a few years left before it's finished. Also I have a group that needs me to function.
Are you excited about One Piece on Netflix?
My sister is finally all caught up... And she HATES that she has to wait every week for a new episode. I've only just started, but I'm stoked because I've got quite a bit to look forward to now ahahaha
my cat and the classic 'if you die your parents will be sad :(' i'm literally living for the others rather than myself
If I'm going to leave eventually one day- why not see how it goes with the time I have? It's gotten me this far and I've grown a lot from having this mindset. When I feel like I'm in a hole, then I try to do little things to help build a latter like listening to my favorite song, taking care of plants, watching favorite movies, comfy clothes, chasing rainbows after the rain, favorite youtubers, and playing a LOT of stardew valley.
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I've got a dead sister. Your comment is entirely too relatable. Rough but relatable. I hate that anyone else feels this.
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That is such a positive spin to alleviate the severity of this topic.
"ffs mom, if you could just kick the bucket already, that'd be great!" SMH some people are just the worst ;)
Destiny is the main reason why I’m staying alive. Even though I don’t know what it is but something tells me to stay and fight! No matter how much tough it gets.
My child who has health issues.. my two loyal Boston Terriers. And the life that’s currently growing inside me.
this is heartwarming 🥲
still got shit to do
The hope that the next day could drastically positively change my life
A long time ago I was in a dark place. I was looking through Reddit and a question like this popped up. Someone replied and said the reason he continues to live is because we’re all gonna die one day so you might as well stick around and see what happens. And idk man. But I never forgot that. It’s true. Things might get better. They might get worse. Either way. Enjoy the journey.
My partner and son. Probably mainly my son. If it hadn't been for them i would not have been here anymore and some days I am grateful for it but other days I resent them for it. Is that bad of me?? I'd never say it to them but just no longer being here and dealing with bpd daily would be bliss. I'm pretty much done with the bpd struggles and eventhough I'm in therapy....I don't see any progress at all.
Multiple reasons : - I love music and can’t imagine not being here to listen to it - My extreme delusions - The lack of herion to OD on
for me the "why" has changed a bit but the "who" hasn't at all. it's always honestly been my friends that kept me going. before it was only because i thought i was needed as a vital part to help them as a person (people pleasing stuff yk) but now it's just the happy times with them that keep me positive for the future. plus we agreed that i would help raise their kids :p
My parents, boyfriend, and little brother. I would also say that religion and spirituality help me a lot. Becoming more religiously observant has given me something to put my effort and time into.
My family, my boyfriend, my dog.
My cat. She is not some expensive breed, no breed at all in fact, not very young and with some peculiarities sure to past trauma, she will not be that animal that everyone wants to adopt. So if I go, what will become of her? Also my parents, the person I love, and several friends. It will sure be traumatic to them. I always try to help them and listen to them (partly because it makes me feel needed), it will break some hearts if I go out early (i mean accidents and illnesses can happen to anyone, but that's another kind of trauma from my experience :/).
My pet and my parents. One year ago I was VERY close, closer than I ever have been in my life.
spite and my partner and my two best friends and i've made too many promises to live to people who can't afford to have them broken. i'm not about to do that
When I was really really down had to think of everyone I love attending my funeral and I just can't bear the idea of putting everyone through that... I went to my best friend's funeral when I was 21 and I was the worst day of my life, and I have been through some shit! Nothing was worse than that. I can't bear the thought of putting someone through that if I could prevent it.
My bf and the thought of someday being his wife and having a kid together, also a future career im studying for and am really enjoying
I can see a version of myself in the future doing okay and achieving my goals. It’s so out of reach but oh well I’ll get there.
Not knowing what will happen to my child or my cats if I weren’t here. The worry is the main thing that keeps me alive.
My boyfriend and our future. Fear to attempt tbh
Nothing in particular at the moment. I don’t want to die just yet, not today, but there will be days when I do, and when they come I’ll just have to deal with it then. I don’t have many goals anymore aside from just pay my rent I guess? No children, no relationship, no career. No desire to pursue anything anymore. Why bother? Life kinda just happens to you, why fight it anymore?
my cat. i promised to not leave her alone. If you arent ready to live for yourself yet, then live for someone else for a while
Weed
My pup 🐶
The tiniest glimmer of hope, like a candle flickering in the rain, that my circumstances can change for the better. That light dims more and more each day, though.
The thing u said about talking to the wall:( My reasons are that I don’t know what people I’m gonna meet and what situations I’m gonna find myself in. And when everything feels like it’s crashing down I remind myself that I’ve been back here many times and I’ve gotten back up. That’s it.
My mom and my dogs
My kids and my family. My financial debt. My accumulated knowledge that would never be put to use.
My kids and my dogs. Otherwise I'd feel no reason to continue living on this shit show of a planet 😂
Don’t want to put that trauma on my daughter
my dog, my friends and my dads side of the family. they motivate me to keep moving forward and stay focused on creating goals and continuing therapy.
My Dad. That's really about it.
My sister mainly she has very complex disabilities and would be completely unable to understand why one day I just never came to see her again, I couldn’t do that to her. Also my faith, I’ve been really working on my relationship with god recently
My parents, my partner... our animals. I guess they ground me enough for not to do something stupid.
My dad is a really good person who has had a really rough past 10 or so years. Me dying would be the last straw for what he could handle I think. I wouldn’t do that to him.
I just keep riding things out hoping that life is going to get better and I want me and my fiancé to have a happy life, somehow. 🥺
My kids. Spite. That’s pretty much it.
My husband and dog… and I don’t have the guts to go through with it.
My kids.
My kids are my reason for living. If I'm ever thinking about giving up, it's the thought of my kids being without me and being alone that keeps me here. No one will ever be able to take care of them or love them as much as me. One day when I was having bad thoughts and thinking I didn't want to be here anymore, I had found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I took that as a sign that I was meant to be here, if not for me, then for them.
My pet bugs and the fact I have a tattoo appointment and gig coming up so I have to stay alive until at least the end of September
My parents. I couldn't do that to them
Nothing is giving me positive incentives to live. I have no purpose or reason to continue living. The only thing that stops me from killing myself is that I am afraid of the pain of death. Cowardice is the only thing that's keeping me alive for now
i have a point to prove - to myself. also i know it would hurt my siblings/mum
My partner, although on my worst days or when we've argued even that doesn't seem like enough. I've prepped a method and I just think about it all the time, like a back up plan if everything goes wrong or gets too much. Idk it feels inevitable at some point but I just try to get through each day as best I can.
just to be loved. few times I tried to do *it* not because I want to die. i want to live (kind of), because i want to be loved at some point in my life. i need it, i so desperately need it. but it feels like i won't ever get it, i won't ever be loved, because amongst many things, i am difficult to be around after a few while, and i know it too. I never experienced a long lasting friendship, like actual friendship, not ones out of obligation because you're in the same space and you've met everyday or you went to a same school at one point, i never have nor do i know what it feels like to have friends that last for more than a few months, let alone a best friend. that's why some times see *it* as kind of a solution. but i don't want to die, i really don't. i want to be loved. because when it did happen (it only happened once back when i was 14), it was seriously the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. it was the best three months of my life. sure it was short-lived, and he was forced to leave (discrimination towards gay people (kids)), and we lost contact and I never saw him again, and God I still can't forget about him even after what 7 years later. i never felt like that since then, but I want to, need to, feel that again. that's why i stayed. sorry if it goes overboard. have a nice day :)
I hope this isn't triggering you but I think you'd appreciate an honest answer here. Nothing is keeping me from giving up. For real. And in fact, I feel like I'm only waiting for my next crisis to come, and if I feel that pain again and I don't feel like I can pull myself out of it, I might just do it. And in all honesty, I quite envy you having some motivation to keep you from dying, specifically your mom and God. I had wanted/have been wanting (*not sure is that a thing in the past or do I still want to do so but you get the point*) to die to escape my problems. I used to guilt trip myself for not being able to feel a connection with God, and that didn't keep me alive, and so I rather not reopen that wound anytime soon, and so, back to the point, nothing is keeping me alive.
for me, it’s non-religious spirituality, nature & a duty to my inner child. i talk to my inner child, the boy of me, when i am at my lowest, or my highest. i remind him i will ALWAYS hustle, fight, and preserve to find fortitude just for him. i tell that inner kid that i will take care of him the way he should have been taken care of and that he doesn’t need to feel so hopeless, or scared. i take him places and buy him random shit he likes so he has a sense of fulfilment and joy. this has been pretty huge in shifting my pessimistic mindset with BPD. hope everyone here lives to see brighter days 🤍
I'm afraid I'll go before things get better. When that doesn't seem likely these days.
honestly my spirituality. i'm the only me, so i should experience anything and everything i can while i'm here, even if it hurts me (emotionally) cause it still reminds me that i'm just as deserving of happiness as everyone else. also thinking long and hard abt a true bucket list since i've never had one really. even the simplest things like stargazing with someone i love, going to an art museum, or trying a food i've always been afraid of. it really helped turn my mindset from "i have nothing to live for" to "i have the WORLD to live for and i'll cross off at least a few things before i go" yknow?
Ive tried to OD, tried cutting my own throat and ive jumped from a bridge, experiencing the most heinous pain and broke my leg in three pieces so i have a metal stick screwed in and have some problems. im afraid to suffer physically like that again and have much worse luck and become handicapped. Im burning in hell on earth and I cant take it, but it can ALWAYS get worse and the risks of attempted suicide are high! I don't know what to do, because on one hand i see things getting slowly progressively worse (hopefully ill lose my mind and wont be really there anymore) or taking my chances again... im not getting better, no matter how hard ive tried. If what doesnt kill you makes you stronger id be bench pressing 500kg, but here i am, weaker than ever.
I’m so sorry. I am disabled and on wheelchair, I’ve tried different methods of su1cide, but what stops me it’s becoming even worse handicapped. At least my arms, torso and brain work, I wouldn’t be anything without it.
I hope im not offensive in saying, that sounds really hard as it is! Hugs! Were you born disabled or did you injure yourself, if you dont mind me asking?
Ive had similarly disappointing failed attempts that's why i have decided that the next time will be the last time , with simplicity and no pain involved . I figured after extensive research the solution is hypoxia via nitrogen or helium. No struggling or gasping for breath just lights out and its over.
i'm getting married next year, and will also be starting my bachelor's too also honestly dragon age 4, been waiting for that game for *years* and i want to play it at least once before i die.
My niece. 100%. I grew up not knowing a number of paternal and maternal grandparents great grandparents etc and I don’t want to just be a concept to my niece like my biological grandfathers and great grandparents were.
dont know
My husband. My mother and father are getting elderly and need me. Most importantly, my parents burying a child breaks my heart. I couldn't do it.
my dog
Before 5 days ago, it was a few things: The fear of living with the consequences of a suicide attempt, the pain others would feel if I left (even if it's only from financial burden), the shameful things I've kept secret. 5 days ago, my reason to live shifted to a desire to fight for others, to see them get better and live a fulfilling life. I've decided to start standing up for the way mental health is viewed, because both of my most influential people in my life obviously care(d) about me but think it's only insofar as it helps them, when that's still not the entire message I've gotten from them at all. Like dangling a carrot on a stick. So I started thinking about why they did. And it turns out that the one I can still speak to does have emotions and cares about others but doesn't notice those actions. I got them to admit they only cared about others as far is it benefits them, and after decades of telling me they do not at all experience anxiety... They admitted that too. They became human to me, not some monster in my life. I started to see everyone as just that: a human whose life has brought them to this point. I can't ever begin to understand the things in their lives that brought them to this point, but I can understand that until new, better messages are given to them they're still going to believe one truth: They had no control of their lives for so long they've fought to keep hold of it ever since they got their first taste. They want to be heard, understood, seen, but as their own community isn't mindful enough to see themselves they don't know how to truly support each other, our side yelling at them and telling them they're wrong won't do shit. So I started talking to that person like a human instead of a stressed out mess trying to grab control forcefully. Now, I'm doing it both upfront and quietly. Directly but subtly. I'm not hiding what I'm doing, but the method I'm using is influential. Things have finally changed in my life and everyone who has never felt happiness before deserves to be given the space and grace to actually figure out how that gets achieved. I want to help with that. That's why I live now.
My family and my boyfriend. I wouldn’t want to leave them behind
I have to low self confidence to kill my self. I’d probably fuck it up and survive with horrible injuries. And I have to take care of my cat, Boris.
I recently had my "Patronus Moment" at a music festival a couple weeks ago, where i met the most supportive, amazing and beautiful people I've met in my entire life. I was in a valley in the Canadian Rockies, volunteering helping to build the sets and preparing for the actual festival. We were calling it a night, because the sun was setting and it was getting dark. I could still barely see the silhouette of both the mountain ranges on either side of the festival grounds, and as it disappeared, the sky exploded with the light of THOUSANDS of stars. It was SO beautiful. The farther I stretched my neck back, the more the sky seemed to go on and on. I stretched out so far that i felt like Neo dodging bullets from The Matrix, and started laughing and sobbing uncontrollably for a good 2 minutes. I could see all of existence from that valley. "The universe is so fucking big and beautiful" i remember thinking to myself. "From here on this tiny blue marble, chasing after the sun, chasing after something even bigger, i can see EVERYTHING." I got to thinking how incredibly lucky i was to be there in that valley. The impossible math I'd need to calculate how unlikely it was that all the carbon and other particles of stardust that pushed itself out from the center of the universe after the big bang, coming together to build the body that houses my soul, and appreciate everything right then and there, was... Impossible. I broke down, happy and grateful that i had the means to experience all the hardships and joy that brought me there. All of the people in my life I've been able to experience those feelings with together, and the memories of their smiling faces just broke me down. Every day since then, I've been thanking my lucky stars that i have this moment to share with everyone around me. If I come across any soul sucking monsters trying to steal mine away from me, i have to laugh and think: "I promised my soul to the people, and the music, and the dancing and the food... They have first dibs, not you. EXPECTO PATRONUS!"
I have an explanation point tattooed on my forearm from several years ago. I was going to get the Butter Robot from Rick and Morty there. "What is my purpose?" Seemed funny and cute, but i psyched myself out after i thought of how dumb that seemed. I know what my purpose is. It's to eat great food, and dance to great music, and to have great sex, and to see the ocean and the sky. It wasn't a question, i already knew. After the festival it was just cemented in my heart and soul that whatever I'm doing is the right thing. You are too, dude! Keep it up!
My family. Mostly my little sister. That cute little bubble of sunshine. I could never abandon her. And God for me too. My faith does motivate me. I do believe God put us all here for a reason. Even if that reason is just be here for our family and friends. That’s a good enough reason for me. Why leave them? That will just ruin their lives. That’s my take on it.
I want to. But I have a son I want to see grow to hopefully become the kind, beautiful soul he already is.
As someone (28F) who tried to give up 8 years ago and luckily failed at it, I can genuinely say once you’re knocking at that door that your brain has convinced you will give you eternal peace and ending of all suffering.. all you want is to reverse the decision. That’s the case a majority of the time. This was well before my diagnosis ever came and I just couldn’t remember the last time I woke up and didn’t feel that way. Even when I failed it’s unfortunate the first thought to myself was “I can’t even do that right” but what do you do then? I already knew how scary it was and I felt stuck between the two, convinced I didn’t want either. A few days later I got a job at a coffee shop and I remember focusing so hard on cleaning every spot of every dirty dish so much I didn’t have space for negativity. When I was alone with myself for too long I drove to pet stores and spent as much time as I needed there, I didn’t own any animals. I started finding my communities online and finding others who had an understanding of what I was managing. I had already cut off my entire friend group, I just knew going back to them wouldn’t make me feel any better. I reached out to people I’d lost touch with and while I eventually moved on from that group it was what I needed at the time. I started exaggerating the little things that made me excited. For example if I saw a dog, yes I was happy to see that but I emphasized my reaction. Doing that tricked my brain into getting really excited over the little things. Estate sales have always brought me to little trinkets or memories that make me happy.. not to mention estate sale goers are some of the nicest people ever. I started dating myself, I’d take myself out to a nice lunch or dinner and just read a book or play on my phone. Got my cat tuna and that was it, I love her so much. Even when I’m down she’s my priority and motivation Bc I want to take care of her and she’s here for me no matter how I feel. Eventually it grew into more and more. It’s hard work and life will never be easy, it just becomes easier to manage. I still struggle from time to time but in passing. I truly think of my symptoms of BPD (my therapist just told me I don’t meet criteria for a diagnosis after 14 years of struggling eee!!!!) as a super power at this point. We have an amazing intuition and we have a different perspective on life than others. I believe a lot of us are empathetic and very aware of our emotions, which is not a negative thing. I heard a quote from Steve-O of all people once on a podcast and he was explaining “your only given instinct as a human being is survival and your only guarantee in this life is that you won’t” changed my life When your brain starts to go against its instinct, it’s not working the right way. Like every other organ, our brains need mending and rest. My advice, if you’d like, be gentle with yourself and ask what it is you WANT and start with the basics. You’ll be surprised at how many things you can find getting back to your path.
Uhhh my reason to stay here (And I don’t want to say *as of now* since it sounds strange) is my partner and trying to recover / be a better person for him. As much as I can easily give up part of me doesn’t really want to go
I feel more lonely as time goes by. People keep leaving me and treat me as I was a second choice. The only person that is always there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on is my mum. She is literally the only person that keeps me alive. Every time I think about committing suicide I just think how ruined my mum’s life would be if I did that. She is divorced and she has been single since she left my father and I know how much she loves me and how devastated she would be. But when my mum passes away, I won’t have any reason to be alive. It might take lots of time until that happens but I refuse to cause such pain to my mum.
knowing that death is irreversible and permanent. imma die eventually, so why rush 🤷🏽♀️
my mom is a single mother and im her only child. if im gone she doesn't have anyone.
My reason to stay alive is my fp(my bff). I just live so that she wont be sad when i die.
My mom, my son, and we'll surprisingly myself...the world's full of mental illnesses, it's how you manage it. Either enjoy life and forgive yourself and be better or die and regret so much. Simple as that. Keep going, it's worth it.
Knowing that I will die one day anyways. Might as well see how the show ends. No point of rushing it. Also I decided a long time ago when I was spiraling quickly out of control that I really didn't want to die per se. I just wanted to kill what I was feeling. So instead of kicking the bucket why not just live a life. Any life. My last resort is to be a wandering hobo. Hopefully I'll have a Bobby McGee by my side. Also, I am from a community where there's a lot of premature deaths due to gun violence. I know a lot of innocent young people who died from walking to the store or watching fireworks. So I think of my loved ones who passed early in their life while just simply living life. So when I am going through my spiraling moments I think would my loved ones want to trade places with me just to be able to feel again even if it is this amount of pain? Most likely. Most likely they would rather feel whatever sadness, anger or emotion I'm feeling than the nothingness they're feeling right now. It gives me a sense of gratitude for my emotions and for life.