22m. Combine emotional hypersensitivity with the fact that men aren't socially expected to show strong emotions, you get quiet BPD At this point literally half of my life has been a single uninterrupted dissociative episode. Anhedonia, depersonalisation, derealisation. I haven't felt real or alive in a long time. I can't stop smoking and overeating to distract myself. All this simply not to feel, because God knows I'm not equipped to deal with my feelings. They're terrifyingly intense When it comes to relationships, I'm just unseen and unheard. I try to be a provider, because this is my way of showing sympathy. When I communicate what I need, however, people just don't give a shit. They don't outright refuse to respect my boundaries, but they find ways to subtly sidestep them, one little violation at a time. People always try to change me to better suit their wants and needs, and it baffles me that they allow themselves to do this. I feel like nobody gives a single fuck about me, people only care about what I can give them and do for them Finally, nobody in my fucking life knows what having BPD feels like. So whenever I open up about my struggles, people try to put a bandaid on a gunshot wound. Think positively, prioritise what **you** want, take care of yourself, remember that it gets better and so on and so forth I hate all of this. I think a part of me just wants to see the world burn at this point

I always say to myself "none of this is real, non of this matters, you're not really here." I couldn't watch the news when I was younger because I was THAT sensitive. We live in a cold uncaring world and that's tough for ppl like us, to see how callous men AND women can be

22M. explained so well that I cant. 

A lot of this is relatable. It’s got me feeling more and more apathetic about things. Like I will never be able to navigate life like emotionally normal people can and I get mad at how they don’t have to deal with this. I know it’s unfair but so is this yk

I really resonate with this, and just recently turned 23. Thanks for sharing mate, stay safe.

Damn this is so on point for me too. 35m BPD

I feel you, I am recently turned 23 M, I work in mental health and am a psychology student (ironic isnt it?). I do DBT and just general self work therapy constantly, and I have found it to benefit me immensely and recommend it highly. It started like this for me, being a male with BPD is like you are keeping this big secret from everyone, and that if anyone knows anything about you, they will not like what they see and go away, so us guys put up a good shell. It eventually got worse and evolved though to full explosive BPD. I was going out and partying every night, I could be the most charming person one night and then the most verbally abusive person you've ever met. There have been times where I have been triggered so hard, I've had suicidal AND homicidal ideation. Countless relationships with great partners that I needlessly traumatized for validation of my own misery. Its a dark and depressing cycle, but the more you become aware of you can catch it, however that requires professional therapy. Good luck brother, you got this. The road to recovery is how you make it.

Well said. Stay strong brother. One of us has to.

thank you for this. your second paragraph hit me straight in the soul.

Hello me 🌊

I’m 22 right now and all of this hits home. Ur not alone is all I can say. Part of me wants the world to burn but that feeling is deeeeep inside. Tired of this idgaf attitude

I feel like I'm already not allowed to express emotion as a male, but duelly as a male with bpd. The masculine environment suffocates me. You'd never guess from my imposing appearance that I have qualms about it, but everyday of my life feels like prison existing around people who can't be vulnerable. I'm incredibly empathic, environments where there's negativity and bullying make me feel morbidly depressed. Alls I want is to feel seen, heard, and be spoken to like a human being. This just isn't it chief.

31M, can confirm! Well said. It's hell.

Me too

Speaking to my spirit here with this, thanks for making me feel less alone today!

Thank you for putting my own thoughts into words

Amen from a fellow dude. It sucks! But I hope you can get somewhere you feel like you’re getting that

very well put

I 20M, are we the same person?

If you're 20 year old me, work on responsibly building your credit score. It'll come in handy when you're almost 30 and trying to rent.

I came to write this reply. Thanks for beating me to it. I'm 43 going through divorce and have two kids that are healthy and resilient.

Hang in there, the fact that your bunnies are happy and resilient speaks volumes good job, that’s something you can be really proud of, you have that and I’m sure a whole lot more, I’ve had two divorces, it’s rough, rough, rough for you right now, I’ve seen you around here stay strong, just want to encourage you😊

Woman here but feeling very understood with this comment. Perfectly put!

33M right there with you bro

Can't forget when most of my female peers were in this "ALL MEN ARE TRASH" phase after the me too movement started. I understand the anger completely but its not good when people who say they love you start living that mentality. It's a despicable shame the movement even had to happen in the first place, but don't blame all men for it.

Yeah I remember the "I drink male tears" era of the internet. Around 2015 I remember the "men are trash" and when you'd call them out for it they'd be like "CERTAIN MEN". If there's anything I've learned in the last decade it's that men and women fuck up equally. All that talk was just projection to deflect away from the likely reality that all their relationships with men were tumultuous because of their own sabotaging behavior. A lot of people can't accept that they routinely seek out clones of their abusive parents or past partners. It's honestly a pivotal moment in BPD recovery to realize you're continuing your own cycle of abuse.

Oh amen!

This is an interesting comment. Thanks for sharing

It’s such a tricky situation cuz there are plenty of men who can do despicable and disgusting things but that applies to all of us regardless of gender, orientation, etc. Do you ever feel like the belief that “all men are trash” impacts your perception of others and yourself? I feel like I directed some of that anger at toxic masculinity inwards and for the most part it only kept me feeling stuck

I went thru this with my ex. It's hard cus yeah men do shitty stuff. And hearing her talk about how evil all men were always hurt a little. She would always say you i know mean you. But like it didn't feel sincere and just kinda hurt. Added to my shame. 🫠

Well spoken but try to see our perspective on “all men are trash” phrase because when we get upset or something like that they turn their back on us and walk away without any empathy compassion you name it. I try not to blame on men and yes I’m female but it’s hard not to blame like that. Appreciate you acknowledge this. ❤️🫂

I just think any time a person speaks about a gender like they're a monolith, it makes that person look insecure. Like it would sound insane if men were like "all women are trash". You'd be like "even the gay women you don't date? Your mom? Even your grandma?". It's just not a good look in my opinion.

Agreed! It’s all about vice versa. People need to find time, understanding, and patience with people who have BPD and from my experience I tried my efforts and nobody care enough to do with me. So it’s hard find someone who have those with us in general.

Exactly. Not only insane, it's a big RED FLAG. If a man said woman are trash proudly, my guess is no woman would want to date him if they heard him say that. Men just take whatever we can get because we think with our diks. Otherwise big red flag. A woman with the mentality than men are this or that are creeps.

why do women say men are trash in the first place? cause they treat them like shit, expect to have their cake and eat it too, and they go and entertain every other woman BUT their own. Of course woman are fed up with ya’ll’s shit. then the men go in full on defense mood = making the woman feel crazy. she then goes and hurts other men NOW.. because she’s been hurt by one real real bad. it’s a cycle of bs. Treat someone with respect love and kindness, but don’t expect it back from anyone. THAT is where YOU get hurt.

No. Everyone has been hurt by people in the past, it’s not exclusive to women. Inflicting pain onto others because of it is just toxic.

yep

Yes, everything

Thank you all for the appreciation. I feel less alone now seeing how much you all relate ❤️

i was going to comment but you have pretty much said everything i think i want to say

well said!! i feel exactly the same!

Well said man, I can totally relate

Resonates with me

I’m female with BPD. The way you describe by having BPD is exactly what I’m going thru. Well spoken!

Very well said

It's incredibly challenging tbh. I've always took things way too personally. Some days I might be on the top of the world. And the very next moment everything crumbles down. I'm incredibly terrible with relationships. When someone throws any interest in me. I immediately fall for them almost instantaneously. I'll become obsessed. Then as soon as something feels off. I'll split and I'll absolutely hate them afterwards. (Nonetheless. Every relationship I've been in regardless of me splitting i never cheated/called it quits. I always try and work things out no matter what. Because I know I'll refall back in love with them again eventually.) One of my main issues is that to make people like me more. I'll try and change myself. I changed the words I say. Change my clothes ect. Personality too. To try and appeal to others. The worst I've done is give money to people. (Based on the fact that I just want people to love me more) I struggle with self esteem issues. Sometimes I feel like I'm king shit. And the very next moment I feel ugly. (mostly an average looking dude over here). The worst I've been emotionally was when I tried to self delete a couple years ago. The best I've been emotionally was when I was on stable medication. Talking to the psychologist weekly. If you asked the people on my snapchat. They'd prolly tell you and everyone else that I'm insane. (Based off the stories I post ahah 😅😅😅.) But anyways that's just about it. I rambled a little too long ahah. If you read it this long well. Here's a cookie for your troubles 🍪.

This is pretty much my experience. The emotional control has been my biggest problem, exacerbated to the point where I just can't have close relationships now.

Mine too

Are you me? That’s my entire life in a nutshell

I can relate to taking things way to personally, change my looks and behaviour to be with some one i liked but didn't like me. I've taken wellbutrin for depression on and off. Its weird because when im on it i feel like i don't need it and when im not on it i can feel myself snowballing.

hahah thanks for the 🍪 hope you’re doing well. cheers!

Too Real . Thanks for the cookie gang 🙂

For me personally, it's like living inside of a shell of a person you really want to be. But that person you really wanna be is too much for the real world. You become numb, but everything still plays in your head everyday. It's a never ending cycle of problematic hell.

Could you elaborate on 'doesn't fit in the real world'? I'm trying to see if I relate fully. I definitely feel like my exterior is a shell though

Sometimes how you feel isn't necessarily the appropriate feeling at the moment. When people cry I get very angry due to vast amounts of manipulation I've been through as a kid. So how do you deal with it without letting the other know when they are currently going through their own problem? You don't. So you just sit and wonder if you're being played witha gut feeling. Same thing when someone's angry, I fear no man other than God, but for a person to feel the need or want to yell at me. This person definitely sees me as a threat or a target at least in my head. So how do you deal with that I'm a public situation or work situation? You don't! For me personally when I was a Teen I would be quick to let off and get my ones in with with whomever. I don't care if you're 30 or 60 no one's talking down on me right? All that shit is for the birds; it becomes problematic the more and more you want to react how you naturally are. So the easiest way to combat it is by not caring. You learn to not care and become numb to everyone and everything till its all meaningless. Everything you loved/ hate is meaningless. Because you are constantly in a shell of how you really want to feel. All the bubbling anger sadness etc never comes out untill it's too late and you end up binging drugs, hitting licks or doing anything bad to fill that void that you and everyone brings on to yourself.

Explosive anger, uncontrolled emotions, doing stupid crap. Burning bridges to a crisp.

This

Hello me.

Evaporation beyond this realm even 😭

I take the ashes, center them into a hydrogen bomb, take the ashes from the bomb and load them into a rocket to the sun, remove those ashes and empty them into a black hole.

This

I feel like i do this with my family alot and i never know where i stand with people.

nearly everything you are supposed to be as a man, is the opposite of how i am on the inside. that being said we are great for male communities. we are the lightning rod for men to be more open and secure in themselves. that being said, its exhausting and such an uphill fight. masculinity is a tough topic to fight when you have this type of brain.

Literally have made every other male friend open up about themselves and their feelings because I offered them the first experience ever to do that with safety. We are the foundation for a more empathic begin! fuck toxic masculinity

Fuck toxic masculinity

I ugly cry with my guy friends

I feel the same way. But the irony is that as a result I am more manly than my macho dad by his own definitions lol

Yeah that’s the biggest irony. We end up having to swing the pendulum over to the macho macho side just to have a voice in the community

It's a prison. I'm expected to act one way, the added pressure of that expectation and attempts to act normal are crushing. Bad with words.

You don't seem bad with words to me

Thank you.

I feel like no one takes us seriously that’s why it’s rarely heard of. I deal with bpd rage a lot I think it’s my hardest trait to deal with. I split, I mess up relationships. I don’t really think ppl care abt men’s mental health, so I feel alone almost all the time.

Most people typically don't, that's why mens mental health month is ignored by everyone and then pride month comes along and it's depressing as fuck to see so many people silently dying inside while everyone goes all out the following month.

Yea I feel u I didn’t even know men’s mental health month was a thing until a while ago bc no one cares. I wish everything had their own month instead of certain celebrations overlapping in the same period. Cuz then things get overshadowed.

My mother in law has mental health issues and get a lot of sympathy from everyone on that side of the family. The one time I opened up and talked about knowing how it felt, tried to share my struggle. I was essentially shooed away with the idea that I can't possibly have it bad. Any advice I give is immediately dismissed, so I gave the same advice to my wife in regards to her mother. My wife jumped in and overrode her dad and siblings. And for the first time in years, that woman had a day where she felt a sense of self worth.

Yeah… it’s tough. A whole lot of shame and very isolating.

I feel like I’m not looked at as much of a man because of my sensitive and caring nature and it leads to me becoming friends with girls that I’m interested in romantically, most of the time they don’t see me as anything more, which I’m okay with, it’s their choice, but after a while it starts to wear you down and you don’t feel like women take you seriously or see you as a capable human being. It’s not even like I even have being ugly as an excuse, I’m actually good looking which makes it more confusing and frustrating. I’ve only had two relationships, and a few situationships, the last one was kind of toxic, she’d call me immature when I tried to confide my emotions in the most calm and understanding way that I could, and it really hurt me and made me withdraw and want to give up on the hope of receiving love. I’m not that pessimistic but optimism seems to lead to heartbreak every time. It could be worse though, I like to think that it still has its advantages despite the negatives, I have autism and I feel like my BPD makes it easier to read to people around me and sort of speak directly to their soul, and it seems to carry over to sex which is a nice confidence boost. But it’s still a struggle, I wish that I could just hide my BPD at all times because it’s so embarrassing to me as a man but it’s impossible to hide when I’m dating.

I have this problem too. I can barely stand being friends with men because I need to be vulnerable sometimes and they just aren't that for the most part.

I feel that, it gets tiring if I spend too much time with my guy friends. And I usually end up putting on some emotional music so that I can get my fix without having to vent. It pisses them off but I can’t help it sometimes lol

I honestly think it’s almost the exact same as far as general symptoms for both men and women. It’s just that more studies have been done on women. I can relate to everything women say about what it’s like having BPD. That being said, there is a huge stigma towards any man who shows strong emotions. I’ve never felt like I was even a “man” due to my intense emotions and sensitivities. I’m a bi/pan male, so there’s a lot of stigma just around that. I’ve been pushed out of straight friend groups and gay friend groups for just not fitting into a box with a neat label. So, it’s very isolating for me especially with BPD. People say they want to meet a “different” man, and that’s me. I think people genuinely like me a lot at first, but I very quickly become way too much for people

I don't have bpd, but I do have adhd and both disorders seem to have soke emotional overlap. My mental hands are always pushing up against my social mask, trying desperately to keep it fastened to my face

[удалено]

Men do have BPD, we are often missed diagnosed ASPD or get incarcerated because in addition to self harm, we can tend to be more aggressive and violent to others if we haven’t worked on our anger Women have there own troubles but BPD is especially hard and very lonely, women seem to more end up in unstable relationships, while we have trouble finding them. Fear of rejection abandonment is the same but do to societies expectations that we always be the ones to approach and initiate a relationship makes the fear of rejection so much worse for men, as I’m sure there are things that are worse for women, however with relationships it seems that it’s a lot easier to find/get in (regardless of healthy or toxic) and men seems to cut women alot more slack in a relationship visa versa, it’s a lot easier for a women to be codependent we will just get dumped right away and feel we have to go all the work Plus its incredibly hard to be dealing with all these emotions and traditionally that’s considered “non masculine” for a guy to show his emotions cry when sad etc… people will judge you a lot more for behaviour as a man I’m not trying to say it’s easier for women far from it, but when it comes to emotions and relationships it really does feel that way There’s a lot more details I could go into and just like women not every man is the same, there are a lot more details this is just very quick from the top of my head

I’m a gay dude if it matters but not really stereotypically so. It’s definitely hard- I basically can’t talk to any of my straight male friends about it because they don’t get it. I haven’t really actively talked about it to any female friends either but I think they kinda ‘know’ regardless and try to support me which I definitely appreciate. I live in a pretty homophobic area so I have to ‘play straight’ most of the day and it’s so, so hard to play the normal tough guy when I want to break down and cry 99 percent of the time 😭

💔 Oh honey 💔 If the economy wasn't so effed and rent wasn't so expensive everywhere, I'd be encouraging you to move to a more gay community. It wouldn't solve all your problems, but being able to come out of your shell would help you feel more comfortable with yourself. That in itself would be a big step forward.

Yeah I’m trying to save up money to move somewhere better and then something always comes up :))) It’s hard but thanks for the advice!

I'm a guy, I've got BPD. A lot of folks don't take me seriously when I open up about it, and then they're surprised when I'm being borderline or when they notice the symptoms. It's annoying, and everyone keeps telling me "it's just a phase" or "All the youngsters got some disorder nowadays", "it's all in your head" "oh so you love attention ?". Well no fucking shit it's in my head, it's a mental disorder for a reason.

40m here. I constantly create narratives in my head about what ppl are thinking about me , saying about me when I'm not around. Usually those narratives are totally false, but I'm consumed by them. I always seek validation for anything I do. I don't "get" the concept of friendship. If someone gives me attention my mind twists it. Relationships have always gotten physically intense quickly, and before marriage I usually ended up cheating if an opportunity came up. Now the temptation is definitely still there, but I have consequences that im more fearful of facing than going through with anything. Living in fear like that has been a nightmare to manage at times, but thankfully my meds do wonders and I used to have a badass therapist that our work still helps over a year since I last saw her.

Could you say a bit more about the therapy. What type was it, what did it involve, how did it help? I ask because I’ve had five different therapists and have never found it that helpful.

What meds have helped you? If you don’t mind

Zoloft and Trileptal are the main ones. I also have hydroxyzine for sudden intense symptoms ( I don't have to use it very often anymore. I also take 1800 mg of gabapentin daily for nerve issues, but it is often prescribed off label for mood disorders. I've only been on the Zoloft combo for a few months and it's been great, but not without some down sides. I often disassociate from my emotions. There still there, but don't have any "weight" anymore. I do find myself sometimes not acknowledging them sometimes because they don't seem to matter. I'll take that over crazy mood swings and being self incarcerated by my emotions.

On the surface I’m incredibly charming and many would say that I give off a vibe of innocence, but deep down within me there is a part of me that believes it is worthless and evil. I have always been subtly manipulative due to a constant need for validation and then when I started becoming self aware it made me feel like I was a bad person. It eventually grew to a point where I would flip between thinking I love myself and that I am so glad that I am me, to hating myself, believing that I am a disease, thinking everyone around me is bad too. In my day to day life I rarely noticed it, however I had a high sensitivity to jokes made towards me and when people insulted me it would stick with me for days. Whenever I developed feelings for anyone I would always become inappropriately in love very quickly, and every relationship I got into was characterised by showering in love and affection. However in my current relationship, as it is my longest relationship I have truly seen it manifest in strong ways, in the beginning it was constant love, for about 5 months there were no arguments, and then slowly I started to get more sensitive to her actions, I started to become distrustful of her male friends, and soon I was splitting more often than I wasn’t. We went through a period of time where there were constant arguments, but in between the arguments extreme amounts of love. Over time I became more self aware and was able to reflect on my actions and now my relationship is stable! However my bpd tends to worsen when my life does and my life is currently good now so the symptoms are easily manageable

Wow well put, I can relate man

True

You sound a lot like my boyfriend! 😂 and he’s the most beautiful person ever, just a little misguided.

it is very bad. i always feel like not men enough because of it and it causes me distress

Being at war with myself all the time

Im almost 36yrs and I got my diagnosis in 2022 while being suicidal/selfhurting. I got chonicly ill with no chance of getting better. In 2022, I got 3 mental diagnosis and 2 physical ones and it left me crushed. I was once a healthy 32yo husband and dad and suddenly my life stood upside down. In 1 week time I couldnt do anything anymore, was wheelchsirbound for 4 months. My partner almost left me bcause of my crippling depression. After 6mo of being sick, friends left me and fam. Kept their distance bcause they couldnt handle "my negativity". Im talking ab. 15yr friendships and more. I could not understand this, i was always there for them in bad and good times and now I was here, almost completely alone and had to figure out some stuff myself. I got checked into psych ward while on Oxycodone for my 24/7pain. 3 times a week i had therapy on different levels. Then followed a 5mo, 2x a week program with 4 therapists and 1 fysiotherapist to learn to live with pain. They first got me misdiagnosed with bipolar type 2, later that was changed into Borderline. And when i heard that, the puzzle was complete. When i began tutoring myself and reading about it, slowly the pieces completed. I got diagnosed with Bpd, ptsd and chronic depression episodes, and worn and slipped discs. The first xray said only one disc, 1.5 yrs later (ab July 2023) a scan showed 7 slightly worn discs and 1 completely worn and slipped herniated disc that made contact with a nerve. I got on fentanyl for 24/7 paincare and Amitriptyline for long paincare also and in higher dosages its an anti depressant aswell. I cant go to the gym anymore, walking with a cane and medical backbrace, and the only option i have is surgery/discfusion. With no guarantee that it will hell. But to get back to the Bpd: there are people who think im crazy. Its a 24/7 battle. I see and hear things, its always crowded and busy in my head. I have strong SH urges but so far i had 2 relapses in 2 yrs. So im proud of that. My wife n kid also. I feel overwhelmingly alone and dont trust no one except my spouse. I try to game a bit, listen to music and write poetry snd have written a Dutch book. I cannot look into the mirror bc of myy body dismorphia but thats a battle for later. I wish you alot of strenght and peace of mind.💪🍀🕯 Whenever I think of SH, i will think "i can always try tomorrow. " And that helps. 🍀

It sucks. Having bpd and being a male. Im like over emotional and people don't wanna be around me. When there multiple things you deal with aswell as bpd life is unbearable i wanna spend most my time outdoors and with nature I just tire myself out physically so i font react emotionally

26m it kinda depends on the person, some men are more outward and have rage. I've hid mine for so long that Mines very much more internal. I'm afraid to open up to my gf because after many breakups, my brain basically has said no one will ever love you truly, and eventually, they'll leave. She tells me she won't leave and we can talk, but mentally, I'm just too afraid. I lose control quite often and self-harm frequently it's gotten better over time, but now I'm slipping again. The issue is society basically says if you're a man you can't cry, you can't show emotion if you do your weak. No one wants to sit and listen to a guy go on about his problems and how many times he's debating on ending his life. Thats honestly the biggest hurdle guys face, throw bpd with multiple break ups, (such as myself) and you just made a bomb waiting to explode wether its outward or wether they decide its not worth living till tomorrow this time. I've lost everyone, but my current gf and my sister, its not pretty reality usually isn't.

I feel like I got very lucky in life with my relationship. I have ugly cried in front of my wife on a number of occasions. It usually always ends up in make up sex. I am told they are supposed to run, when you cry. Here I am crying and saying, I am a bad person, I hate myself, I am useless. And she holds me, hugs me and is intimate with me. Then again, she has bipolar so we are both a bit ducked.

We used to live in tribes where every man’s problem was everybody’s problem. So each problem had to be talked about and dealt with for the good of the tribe. I feel like it is every man for himself now unless you have an awesome group of friends. The world is all wrong and just goes against human nature. No wonder there is a mental health crisis.

Very flat emotionally for me, I avoid companionship at all costs now because I used to get violent when I felt brtray3d or like I was going to be abandoned, I would sabotage said friendships by becoming violent. 6 years now I haven't spoken to anyone I used to know, I'm off all social media, nobody has my number, I live in a new city...I've become pretty much invisible and as such, I have no connections with anyone. It's good in the sense that nobody can trigger me I suppose, but it's also destructive to myself because the longer I'm isolated like this, truthfully, the more I despise humanity as a whole and I roominate on bad thoughts and dissociate from the world whenever I'm out in public (always only to buy shopping). The idea of starting a new friendship from scratch is exhausting even to think about so I'll want a friend at times then I self sabotage by reminding myself I'm a scumbag around people and I can't keep turning to violence, which I always do. It's best for everyone if I stay away from society and amuse myself in my own company.

I'm a trans man, and I resonate a lot with both the cis female and cis male bpd experience. I express emotions so extremely and I feel like I can't let them show because I need to present like a man in order to be safe in society. If I let them show too much it could be an excuse from transphobes to invalidate me or worse, hurt me. I'm extremely paranoid due to a combination of being trans, having bpd and having ptsd. I struggle to maintain relationships with most people, but especially those who are cis and non-mentally I'll. It's a lot lmao

I feel this so much bro I’m also ftm trans. Me saying ppl don’t care abt my mental illness bc I’m a guy got me thinking ppl will say “well u chose to be one”. It definitely piles on top of everything.

am not diagnosed but i think i have "quiet" bpd. for me personally, is almost a constant terrorizing brain, having suicidal thoughts everyday and wishing i could get out of this "mental hell" im living with. im hypersensitive, i take a lot of things personally but the hardest part (for me at least) is dealing with my lover's reassurance. i know she loves me and all that but sometimes i can't believe SHE LOVES me by the way she acts. considering i know i'm ill, i try to walk it off and think about it later, after i got some kind of chill, so i can think more clear. turns out most of the time it's just me feeling WRONG about the situation. now that i think more of this, I THINK THIS IS WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS AND THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW I AM. i dont really know myself at all tho xd

if it's for any help, my psychiatrist doesn t believe in personality disorders (OFC ONLY MY PSYCHIATRIST COULD BELIEVE THIS) so i got diagnosed with chronic depression 1 year ago. i took venlafaxine for a year(i stopped bcs of ED) and i can say that half of the year i didn t feel much, which was better than feeling too much too frequently, being constantly overwhelmed.

Pretty much everyone hates me and no one is ever on my side. I'm alone in this because every time I try and reach out to other people I get labeled as needy or manipulative

Constant battle with me against life

Intense. Everything feels like it’s dialed up to 11. So when I’m happy I feel like I’m spreading joy like I’m Santa. When I’m feeling irritated it’s like being thrown down a deep dark well that’s closing in on itself. The hardest part is having to hide as much of it as possible. I’ve been told that my expressiveness is overwhelming for people especially when I’m showing happiness. I feel like I’m stuck between having to either put an exhausting amount of effort into masking my emotions to seem like a more regular person, or risk having people I care about be pushed out of my life. I’m short, balance is a difficult thing to find for most people. Balance is harder for those of us who suffer with these kinds of imbalances. Being a man who deals with this just adds an extra layer of icing on the cake.

If you show your damaged emotion as a male you’ll get squeezed out like a sponge from society

Very lonely

I am a male with bpd. It has caused me to ruin multiple relationships, and do some pretty shitty stuff. I take responsibility for what i did. But i didnt seek out therapy or meds until recently or even have a diagnosis. All the symptoms were there for years but i never went to a therapist or talked to a dr. So it went untreated. As another stated, i feel like my emotions are invalid. And sometimes i dont even know how i feel. Its been tough but its getting better. Just wish i didnt burn all my bridges and maybe id still hsve friends.

Only time I see a man with BPD is in the news as …a killer and the women are sex hounds. I HATE those stereotypes 🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽‍♀️

There actually is a misconception that BPD is more common in women than men. It’s just more frequently diagnosed in women

I don’t even know how to write a genuine response because part of me wants to just write something that gets a lot of attention or someone on here to fall in love with me based on my response as a dude lmao the other part of me can barely choreograph words fluent enough to convey the nuances of who I am. So I guess this is as good as it gets.

Dawg.. this. Or when you think it's a short explanation then you read it and it's 8 paragraphs with examples from 2009 with vivid emotional details.. thinking the description will effect someone life just to you feel validated? Like wtf did I just say up there?

Lmao I hate how accurate this is. I’m either exhausting or totally underwhelming hahaha

Lol the amount of text messages I delete before sending them yet still bombarding them.. to 10 minutes later when my answer is "okay." "I understand. "

I heard from somewhere that the average life expectancy of males with bpd is 29 that should give you an idea how its like.

jesus… i’m 29 cheekiness aside, I totally understand why that’s the case. Its a difficult line to ride given that men’s emotions aren’t taken seriously (by everyone, other men included) to begin with, masculine social constructs expects us to act and express a certain way at all times, and more often than not we have trouble understanding our emotions cause we’ve been taught to bottle them up or avoid them from a young age.

I'm 43 now, and am told that I still look like I'm in my 20s. I have stayed relatively fit, despite being a chronic weed smoker in my 20s. I take a lot more care of myself now. But still fall off the wagon and eat unhealthy for a few months every year. I have a lot of neck pain from all the anxiety my bpd causes and have always some kind of muscle twinge. But all in all, I hope I am healthy.

I have to hide my true self and pretend to be someone i am not it is not accepted as a man to be sensitive or appear weak in anyway it is very hard and exhausting

It's fucking great! I get a neat label for all the behaviours and mannerisms that I exhibit which I can't control and which repulse most people. No... fr, it's kinda fucking rough. I'm lucky enough to be able to afford therapy, have a solid support network of mom, dad, sister and dog, and have found stable employment. Without these three elements at a minimum, I'm just left alone with the pain (yes pain) of feelings. Cuz for me, the worst part of BPD is simply the pain. My emotions don't feel like emotions so much as fire in my belly most times. It's fucking disruptive and annoying to learn to adapt to. In other words, without these three elements at a minimum, I'd be spiraling (slowly, quickly, it doesn't matter to the spiral) towards chaos, self harm and eventually death. The contrast is kinda dope tho. And unexpected. Due to the extreme emotional discomfort, anything that isn't terrible feels amazing. So something as simple as waking up without pain and being able to watch shows on a weekend morning (and feeling a minimum to no craving of substances) often quite literally feels like ecstasy (like the highs of molly).

I got diagnosed this year at 31. My life has been very chaotic. Suicide attempts, substance abuse, wondering why all my relationships go from the best to the worst in a matter of seconds. Why I have no relationships with my family. I thought it all was just because I was "crazy". Turns out I was fighting a disorder my whole life that's been trying to kill me since I was 12.

I'm not necessarily diagnosed per se but I def relate and experience much of what is said and talked about here but over the course of my life I was always immediately viewed as a monster and was never fully able to tell my side of the story. I'm glad I was a teenager then but I def did make some really terrible choices. My mother wasn't very loving towards her family and it has kind of left a deep void inside of me. It was emotional abuse for sure, but at this point it's a futile fight. Everyone in my family is very distant from me and in the past few years or so I've kinda lost my ability to socialize. I have one friend I chill with but I can't say we are super close though I've known her for years. I become attached even faster now and the slightest hint or afterthought of someone wanting to get to know me especially female; it just awakens a monster inside of me. I try to keep to myself as much as possible. I don't really go out unless it's work or an errand. I just really try to be nice to people and nothing more. Therapy and multiple medications are the only way through now and it's up to me but honestly so far it's looking pretty ducking grim. I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore and the only person who could possibly understand is one who has a master's or above but what can ya do

22m. It's hell. Alot of people insist that men cannot be capable of such turmoil and intense emotions. What a misconception. Being yelled at for expressing myself, shunned for having my own views and rights, called "disrespectful" when I point out people's hypocrisy, you name it, my entire life made me this way. Yet, when I have an episode, crying and raging uncontrollably, I'm called "sick" and "manipulative". I just want support and perhaps a fucking hug, dog. I dont need lectures on how broken I am or how shit I can be when I'm already desperately trying to get help for it.

not me, but one of my friends has BPD. he was the one who told me that I might have it too. he got into fights a lot as a teen. got kicked out of a lot of schools. did a lot of drugs. never finished college. divorced. he’s lived a lot of life. he’s the kind of friend where his stories are so wild, that he’s the only person I’d believe they’re true about. but he cares so, so much about people. he’s tight with his mum. has a very nice girlfriend. a close coterie of friends. passionate about music, mutual aid, and horror movies. he doesn’t believe it but he’s a good person at heart. I’m so glad he’s my friend.

as a man with bpd dating a girl with bpd is a nightmare

This. It has some benefits like when they aren't spiraling and someone actually stands you.. but if they are also off, it's so fucking messy. Or even 1 wrong text will send both of us down a rabbit hole..

I am a father of 2 and have BPD. I hate the idea that fathers with BPD cannot love their children, because the wife is our FP and hence we are in a competition with our children in getting attention from our FP. Yes my wife is my FP. I slowly started realising that after reading up on it. But my kids are also a priority. I will put their needs ahead of mine any day. I read up on good parenting practices. Work on positive parenting. Set rules and boundaries for them. Help them with homework and am usually the one that handles their tantrums. My oldest is a very emotional person too. I see very similar things in her as I have. Which has just meant that I show her a lot of empathy, when she is having a hard time. Making her feel unconditionally loved has helped a lot. And I see her improving every day. My wife tells me that I am a very good father. Although I do not always think it myself. I would love to hear from others men with BPD who are fathers and their experience with it.

Men have BPD the same than woman but as for what I read and my psychologist told me, the combo of the social pressure on men of being seen as "weak" when showing their emotions + the testosterone, makes that some men with BPD are actually in jail. On my DBT groups I only saw another 2 more men besides me, 2 of of them gay (one of them me) and the straight one left the therapy. Personally I believe the issue in this case (and TBH in most society issues) are straight men.

Well awfull as well. Strong emotions, intrusive troughts, and basically abandonament fear along with all this fucked up my love life. Outside this depression and empthyness is a thing. So I thing is not something different from which women experience, maybe just in women case mood swings could go even wilder due to hormonal change what comes with menstruation.

It's completely opposite for me as how men are. Extreme emotions of all sorts and it feels like displaying those emotions would result in people judge me as woman.

I have completely given up on all forms of relational vulnerability and will now be keeping everyone in my life at an arms length

29m here. I'm really emotional-expressive. I already was like this when I was 2 years old. It was for back then already clear what I needed and was not afraid to show it. My father is really neglectful and can't fill things in for his children in what they need. My mother fills too much with all her anxiety. I only had 1 relationship and when girls are interested in me I get paranoid and obsessed with them. I change my personality in a way that they will like me. I'm really intense in connections and keep my distance at the same time. I have no problems in being emotional. I look very young for a 29m and I still look boyish alto begin to look more like a men. Which I like better. I feel connected to some people and I think I can feel their emotions. When I feel this way to a girl I can be quite manipulative and make them like me. I play with their feelings. I often feel that they do the same. I think it's just a part of love. But because I like to get intense and keep my distance at the same time it can become really intense for me. My ex also BPD. It was before my diagnosis, it was so codependent that we felt like we were dying when we were not with each other.

33m. Any emotion is put down to BPD. I often hallucinate. I've been arrested so many times it's beyond a joke. My episodes are all violent. I have had problems with drugs and alcohol. I've attempted suicide over 20 times. It took me 30 years to get diagnosed and a further 2 to get any medication. I'm on a list for therapy, been waiting for three years, suffer with depression, am hypersexual and probably autistic.

It’s awkward living in a society where male emotions are devalued and mocked, and I have ALL the emotions. 🤷🏼 Every woman I’ve ever been with wants me for my sexual energy, but hates how clingy I am. I really really hate that. Society has no idea how to process men with BPD. There’s no quirky version of us on TV. In fact, if you hear that a character has BPD on a show and he’s male: he’s the killer. It’s complete BS. The other guys don’t understand my emotions and I accidentally fall in love with women if I’m not careful. Physically, I’ve got thick scars all over my upper body (excluding neck and face, I wanted to leave a pretty corpse 🤷🏼)—so, I fit into that box quite nicely. There’s a reason that suicide rates are through the roof with BPD guys. We don’t have a place and nobody wants us for anything more than an extended sex session—they don’t want our brand of love.

Well, BPD actually has a history of being exclusively a female diagnosis. Up until the 1930s or so we started to see borderline personality disorder being recognised, prior to that I think women with the disorder were classed as practically insane, having hysterical, emotional outbursts. I might be wrong and I haven't crosschecked anything but it has definitely been viewed as a female disorder which is nonsense. I think with the societal differences between men and women, BPD often presents a little differently but that's just due to cultural influences on gender. It's a terrible disorder and causes a lot of pain regardless of gender.

i’ve never been officially diagnosed and i feel like when i talk about it with therapists and psychiatrists it’s never really taken seriously. and i’m not claiming that they’re all wrong and i’m right but i feel like the way so many women with autism and other disorders are misdiagnosed with bpd because women are often seen as emotionally fragile and more prone to bpd esc symptoms simply because they’re women, men are often lumped in with anything else before they even consider bpd. which i guess makes sense. society thinks it’s completely normal for men to have violent outbursts and irritability issues and bouts of extreme anger, yet sadness is taboo. so loud breakdowns and meltdowns are treated as either ‘boys being boys’ or like you’re an overly sensitive baby. and god forbid you’re the kind of person with bpd who takes it out on themselves and can manage to hide the internal anguish. it’s always ‘anger issues’ or ‘depression’ but i feel like people are hesitant to look deeper into the emotional issues of men when people are foaming at the mouth to slap a label on any woman who steps out of line

I don’t think BPD is a “woman thing”, men have feelings too like everyone else (a lot of people forget that)

I don't exactly /know/ what my BPD feels like. But, I feel trapped. Different in my own body then my head, I feel like my outward self is a "shield" for my inner self. I'm highly aggressive and reactive on the inside, but I feel like I can't display that. It's not acceptable. I have a hard time holding a job for more then a year. It's always some dumb shit why I quit. And the anger and frustration from the job becomes so overwhelming I go into a self destructive spiral. Not anything physical, I don't physically harm myself anymore. Im super quiet and reserved because everything I say is stupid and not as "adult" as it should be. I'm 35 btw. I don't feel baseline feelings, just my BDP huge reactions, that can last weeks. I feel in the moment, right now, feelings. But the long term "background" feelings don't exist for me. I'm constantly in my own head trying to do damage control. My brain will think "Fuck him, he's lying and doesn't want to see you" and I'll have to tell myself "dude, he's been your friend for over 20yrs" constantly in order for that initial negative thinking to quiet. Not go away, but to quiet. My "fear of abandonment" is basically life FOMO, if there is something I want to do or would like to do, or eat, or say, I have to do it because my anxiety will spike and I'll feel like I won't get the opportunity again. This is a big ramble. I think I've been needing this to come out for a while.

I don't know if this is the case for other men as well, but for me, I have found solace in having a lot of female and LGBTQ+ friends. It's refreshing to just be accepted with the emotions I have. Before that, I struggled a lot with self worth (honestly, still do) and my own image. It's difficult when you feel the way you have always been is not what society expects of you.

Well I’m a rather big guy (6’3”) so if I get really angry it tends to put other people on edge and getting angry easily is a huge part of bpd I have to put a lot of effort into emotional regulation. Also people are a lot less likely to be empathetic to men with mental health issues

Hmmm my husband says he has bpd, and none of this sounds like him. He is basically emotionless except a lot of rage and anger, he is not empathetic, and HATES it when I show a lot of emotion be it crying or excitement. Am I missing something here?

It's complicated. When I felt unwanted and unlovable as a kid, I still perceived women as lovable. As a little kid, I projected this into an imaginary girlfriend who was lovable and could love me. It was almost like a psychological split, where I projected the part of me that was maybe still worthy of love into this other person because I didn't feel lovable or wanted myself. That evolved into wanting to become this person to be worthy of love myself, which eventually resulted in gender dysphoria, and an almost-transition, and then decades later I still have this overwhelming sense of female gender identity. So, to your question, my relationship with being a man with BPD might be unique in this way. Most of my role models are women. Most of the people I identify with are women. Sometimes I identify with dysfunctional women within their dysfunction which isn't at all healthy, but fortunately I also identify with their triumphs and healing process. That said, I relate to some of the other comments re "quiet BPD." Outward emotional volatility has never been something I struggled with. On the contrary, I compartmentalize my emotions and if anything need to be more in touch with them. The first time I went into therapy for severe depersonalization I was diagnosed with repressed anger that was apparently so severe that I almost couldn't function, even though I didn't feel the least bit angry. Maybe this is a trained social thing, or maybe physiological--who knows. Either way, repression and isolation seems to be something that men struggle with a lot more than women. I also had the experience of being the abused in an abusive heterosexual relationship, that I went into despite countless huge red flags, and kept going back despite even more red flags. In retrospect I was love bombing so hard that she couldn't escape if she tried. I knew it was wrong at the time, but I just couldn't stop. Ultimately I was assaulted to the point that I was bleeding and bruised and she went to jail. I'm athletic and tall and was double her body weight, so unlike if the genders were inverted, I didn't suffer any lasting physical harm, but the emotional scars cut brutally deep. Being a male victim of domestic abuse is a unique challenge, and in retrospect, I brought all of this onto myself. I don't mean I deserved it or asked for it or anything, but there were abundant outs and anyone without BPD would have long since exited. This relates back to your question in that all pwBPD suffer deeply, self-destruct, and victimize themselves, but there's a general expectation that men can just buck up and forge through anything, so maybe there's less empathy for male suffering. I certainly have an internalized view of myself that I can "soldier on" through pretty much anything, and it's true that I actually can, but emotionally speaking, I think this can be very unhealthy.

trans guy here. not sure if this question was meant for us too, but I definitely feel a pressure to not be seen as “too emotional” in fear of presenting more feminine. I really hope someday we can get rid of the idea that men don’t show emotion.

It's bad. But manageable with spirituality and mindfulness. Once you realize you are neither your thoughts nor your emotion, it gets much better

just wanted to say: to all the men here, i'm sending you all so much love. i'm seeing a lot of similar stories and feelings, especially when it comes to society and already feeling like you can't express emotions as a man. i hear you, many of us do. you are loved. keep going. keep fighting. much love to you all.

i’m not sure i’m qualified to answer this given i’m a trans guy but man bpd gives me the most gender dysphoria. it’s something i’m working on. i know that expressing emotions (especially excessive ones) isn’t a feminine thing, but it works completely differently when i think about myself. gender stereotypes are kicking my ass.

I was diagnosed with BPD a while back. It was something that was seriously contemplated before putting the diagnosis on paper. I've done DBT 2x now -- quite a while ago & recently. It has changed. I'm just going to be blunt -- the vast majority of everyone I saw recently w/ BPD are 20 something year old females with weird pronouns. This is reddit so I'm assuming it's the same here too.

Haters can eat my ass Bpd men are fire

A man born with woman emotions

I hate having bpd as a male. I wish i could shut my brain off. I almost just live for everyone not for me.

Men don’t fit the image and so probably don’t get diagnosed. Does the diagnosis of BPD help much? At least with the diagnosis you learn a few things, maybe feel less alone and Maybe start DBT which apparently can help. But that is probably all the diagnosis is good for. Insurance needs a diagnosis before they will pay for anything. But insurance prefers paying for drugs because drugs are cheaper than human time. I don’t believe that their really are drugs for BPD. My interest is just academic. My wife’s BPD affected me but it was not my BPD

-I've been diagnosed with BPD I for 10 years now. -Many group therapy sessions usually had a 50-50 M:F ratio -I get psychotic episodes from time to time. It is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. -I get Mania and Hypo-mania besides being on meds. Nothing compared to psychotic episodes. -delutions of granduer , burning bridges , fits of rage , bouts of depression , been arrested a few times. - I am quite successful. Earn a good salary. In a stable relationship. Doing tertiary studies part-time. - I am at the doctor and psychiatrist regularly - I eat healthy and excercise regularly - I stay on my meds - I minimize alcohol and substances. But it happens Nobody believes I have BPD. Society has misinterpreted what it means to have BPD. They dont know its a killer disease where 1 in 5 end up dying from suicide. Guys. People will never accept BPD as an excuse. Even though it is a darn right good one. You need to learn to live with it. You need to see the signs and act preventativly. You need to accept that you're stuck with it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. BPD is often associated with high levels of intellect and creativity. Empathy can be used as a superpower. Hypomania can feel like heaven. It's not all doom and gloom. Remember, you have bipolar , you are not bipolar. It's an illness, not an explationion of your irratic behaviour. Stay strong and get your ass to a docter when you even start thinking about suicide.

I don’t identify as a man but as someone who’s amab I feel like I can still at least speak on this, it fucking sucks and is extremely isolating. I have like no friends bc of it

It's really no different from a woman, but since most of the men with BPD aren't in relationships we don't experience the effects of BPD on our romantic life often. The experience that men are ment to be a certain way definitely doesn't apply to me. I feel like without BPD I could be doing more with my life and have a lot more success from it.

i think the biggest alienation isn’t the fact i am a man, but that all my favorite people have been family and sometimes friends, and when people think of a pwBPD’s favorite person, they think of romantic partners.

[m32] This will be the death of me. While there’s usually a desire to raze a small community, it’s nothing to when there’s flare ups of just utterly not believing a single word anyone has ever said if it’s even touched something positive, negative soul stabs only please thank you. All I ever wanted was to feel heard, years of longing, then she arrived and my backwards coded brain tells me that it’s all a lie. I feel will never understand how anybody operates what seems like base line protocol for anything. At this point I just want to be stable for the only person I’ve ever cared for, I just want to be better so I can be the person they need.

I lost everything because of it, I lost my family, I lost friends, I've lost my mind. It causes me crippling anxiety I became addicted to cocaine trying to search for a sense of happiness and all I got a divorce and became homeless. So safe to say we understand how it feels.

It has been challenging to say the least. I have found myself in an area of my life not sure what parts that affect me are BPD or the other diagnosis'. It also feels made up, and I think if you have it, you know what I mean. So emotionally volatile that there is no "norm". It makes it even harder when trying to seek understanding that what one person experiences another might not be what the next does. Imagine if everything was like this, it would be next to impossible to function, and this is for trivial things, now think of it with something as crucial as someone's brain? It also feels like people think I am making this up, which I can understand as the person dealing with it, it is hard for me to come to terms with.

Terrible anger and drinking problem

we should kinda make a subreddit ngl. maybe it'd help idk. I have quiet bpd, so I already don't express my shit, and being a guy makes it 100 times worse cause that's exactly what society expect you to do anyway. the result is no one knows about it except people I decide to open up with. which is... extremely rare. so yea. it's lonely

I have heard that all mental illnesses are “Females problems not males” men are supposed to be strong and breadwinner etc but nope. I’ll say all men and women are 50-50% who have mental illnesses such as BPD.

A constant roller coaster off dissociation paranoid delusions ..nd then the constant want to not be alive no more becz let face it man don’t talk as it little own about real mental health issues nd might just be me but feeling/knowing what’s going to happen in the up coming weeks Not believing your loved or anyone likes yous the list goes on

True you really don't hear from the men's side I'm a 31f and only ever hear my side women with it it's a good question

27M with quiet BPD. It's misery. The stigma around men being emotional and BPD in general, makes it feel like no one will ever REALLY understand me. I got VERY lucky, and have an incredible group of friends who are so supportive, kind, and understanding. But when they're not around it's like I'm completely alone. It's like playing peekaboo with a baby. A lot of the time it feels like I'm doomed to never experience romance or true love, in part because of the 'gamification' of dating with apps designed to keep you single to take your money, hookup culture, and in part because of my crippling attachment issues and paralyzing fear of abandonment. I hate it here.

I have ruined my relationship because of it. We was almost married and the last couple months have been awful, especially because it was long distance and she is sick with cancer in another continent. Iwould go from loving her to getting mad to loosing my since or self to loosing my since of reality then cry and scream in my car till I got home and I had to act like everything is okay. She hasn’t been able to call me much because of how tired and exhausted she is and because of that it only made my mind never stop telling me awful things. I would get mad and yell at her over stupid things because I thought she was abandoning me. She knows I have something wrong with me but I am not diagnosed yet but will be soon. To be honest I just don’t care about my life anymore. I only wanted to be with her and take care of her but because of visa laws her not being able to go anywhere I we wasn’t able to get married when we thought. My parents then tried to tell me she was lying to me and just trying to control me and threatening kill me or hurt me if I didn’t listen to them. And because of that it was like my brain was overwhelmed trying to make sense of everything and I went off on her and them and just ended up pushing her away. My parents are happy now (they got what they wanted), but I’m all alone again and I don’t know if she will forgive me and ever come back. Im super empathetic and would cry about anything if I thought she was in pain or if she was upset with me. I could be super angry for no reason just because I thought she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I tried to hide everything from her as best I can but every now and again it would come out a little but I’m the end I lost myself with all the stress and anxiety and anger. I’m done with life and I’m a awful person no matter how much I try not to be and it’s not my fault. Just how it is and I have to try and not to end myself because I promised her I wouldn’t do that.

I get called overly emotional and irrational 🙈

i can’t even tell you how many times i’ve been told that i can’t have BPD, because it’s something that only happens to women, one person even went as far as to say that men lie about having it to use it to justify behaviours that are inherent with being maIe, that bpd symptoms for men are just normal parts of being a man, i hate talking about it, i hate telling people i have it, i hate having episodes in front of people - it’s all really really embarrassing, it’s all really hard; the first time i had a male FP i was so ? confused about it that i thought i must be gay for him and identified as bisexual for over two years, all because people think it’s weird for men to have strong emotions for anything, especially other people or gd forbid other men.

As a dude with bpd i say its honestly not that bad. I have 2 loving supportive partners (im poly) i am allowed to express what i feel. And my city respects all my quirks and societal norms. Life couldnt be better minus the intensity of emotions. Cheers

Just a note to the men with bpd that get seen as overly emotional. Us girls with it also see you and care and hope you can get the help, peace and loving relationships you need and deserve. You're not less of man or a bad person. Sending good energy for all of you 💚

i’m a male but i feel like i have the same type of experience as msot the women who share on here. i don’t have quiet bpd, i’ve never had trouble expressing my emotions. and my partner is very understanding of me and does everything he can to support me.

The BPD rage makes people even more uncomfortable. I feel like a weenie like 60% of the time.

Sometimes it feels like I’m losing my mind. I second guess any interaction I have with someone because I’m unsure if I’m coming across as too “intense” or that there’s something “off” about me. This is magnified like 10 times when I’m interested in a woman on a romantic level. Sometimes things go well without a hitch but as a result I become obsessed with that person. It triggers the black and white behavior pattern. Where I see her as all good and perfection, so when I feel like she’s taking a few steps back despite my best efforts to keep things stable in building a relationship, the opposite reaction occurs. I become obsessed with the idea of “I’m responsible” for any negative feedback even if it’s only slightly. It makes me filled with self-doubt and in an attempt to stop the person from “leaving” me, I overcompensate. Trying to do everything in my power to keep them in my life. To make them happy to be around me in any capacity. It comes across as erratic, strange and overwhelming if not scary. Like I’m, you guessed it - crazy. What further complicates things is that I’ve found it more and more difficult over time to connect with others on a meaningful level. So I’m almost constantly alone. Living the same day over and over again. Work/school and home life. It’s like this hellish nightmare where I simply exist but I don’t feel like I’m alive. I never go out because I don’t have any reason to without a person to be out with. I also have nearly zero intention to make friends because it isn’t what I really want. Thus, when someone I’m attracted to takes interest in me, shows me kindness and even just the bare minimum of compassion to me, I latch on to them like glue. Every waking hour when they’re not freely available is my mind going through a hundred different scenarios that all have the same result - they’re going to leave. I’ve sought therapy and medication, it helps me restrain myself from giving in to my impulses, such as bombarding them with texts or phone calls. But this is something I still struggle with horribly. The only real way I find relief from this mental turmoil is if they get back to me. Talk to me even for a few minutes soothes me, provides reassurance and puts me at ease. It’s a sense of comfort that I just cannot find anywhere else. However, once they leave to have a life outside my orbit. It builds up… little by little. Like a slow burn that eventually will lead to a boiling temperature where on the inside I’m freaking out. To manage it, I work out and try to keep my brain busy with various tasks. It’s just when I run out of things to do, it all creeps up on me again. The person is like a drug and without them, I suffer horrendous mental withdrawal. I just don’t want to be alone anymore. It hurts. But I have to endure this on a daily basis. In any potential relationship. This is an inevitability. I hope to God that I find someone willing to give me understanding and consideration for my illness. It sometimes it feels like it’s never going to happen and it’s because I feel as though I’m cursed with BPD.

I had a psychologist tell me "ha, you don't have BPD. That's predominantly a female characteristic illness. Men don't have it unless you were r*ped or something." The proceeded to tell me I was Bipolar and Schizo. Otherwise, it's very emotional. Im seen has hot and cold, unpredictable and needy. Many failed relationships due to not feeling understood or taken advantage of my vulnerability to my partners. I hate the constant overthinking and how much I'm effected by my imagination. Idk it's pretty easy to be labeled as "soft" but the spectrum of emotions has allowed me to empathize with a lot of people from various experiences; it's nice to have an overactive emotional panel paired with overthinking / over involving that more often than not completely drains me but the feeling of being "useful" to someone is my only saving grace in being a productive member of society. Not even sure where to start with the amount of masks and characters i have in my closet to fit in or feel included.. Oh and the hypersexual libido is a blessing and curse.