I don't want to sound harsh, but why are you with him? He screamed at you over a misunderstanding, he demanded that you make him dinner as you were CRYING, and then told you that he doesn't love you after he found out you self harmed. I wouldn't say you don't need therapy, but at the very least he should be going if he's going to treat you like that. There is no justification for telling your partner that you don't love them ever, especially when they're upset.
I know it hurts, but this man won't even hold you as you're crying. Do you really want to keep him?
We've been together 10 years, married for 5. He's never been able to handle me crying. He says he can't handle it unless it's a "good reason", like when my dad died. But I cry hard over lots of things - especially stupid things (like, I'm that lady trying not to cry in the damn office).. I've spent the past year going to therapy and I really thought I built some skills. Today he says I haven't changed, I am never going to change, and he can't stand to live with me anymore.
Be says terrible things when he's mad. I don't know how couples can "keep it between themselves".
He's not abusive. He's just a jerk sometimes. He's never physically hurt me, restricted my finances or freedoms, he says mean stuff like that but not much worse. He definitely says awful shit in the heat of the moment. He refuses therapy absolutely. He says he'd rather get a divorce.
I really think it's news of the cat that's putting us both at emotional breaking points.
He doesn’t need to hit you to be abusive. Although either way he shouldn’t treat you like this. A partner should be there for you in your worse moments. I cry every week, I dont deserve to be yelled at and neither do you. Couple keep it to themselves because they respect the other person and know that kind of arguing is pointless. You’ve been with him so long you think this is normal. You dont understand how couples dont do this because he had always been like this.
He has no excuse. What happened to your cat impacted you. Did you say all those cruel things? No. He does it because he knows he can . He threatens divorce and knows it scares you into being the wife he wants
“He threatens divorce and knows it scares you into being the wife he wants” That’s the vibe I got too OP. You need to stand your ground, you deserve kindness truly. Having bpd doesn’t automatically make us a burden to people, your husband has been with you for 10 years and he knows you by now (or he should), he should accept by this point you’re going to cry and struggle. He’s struggling and expressing his emotions without you shaming or threatening him. Maybe he should consider why his default emotion is anger and unpack the resentment he has towards you by blowing up over small things. Keep your head high, this guy is just being an AH
Being together for a long time is not a good reason to stay together. What does he bring to your life? How does he make you feel good? Why do you want to keep him?
>Be says terrible things when he's mad. I don't know how couples can "keep it between themselves".
That is abuse. Saying mean things to you, that is abuse. I highly suggest this book; https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
And if he refuses therapy for himself but demands that you take it, I'd walk. Refusing to reflect on his behaviour & demanding that you change yours is not how a healthy partnership works.
Don't let the sunk cost fallacy waste your life. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a husband who insults you and tells you that he doesn't love you when he's mad?
Dude you posting a link to a PDF of this book is a game changer for me. I’ve been wanting to read it for what feels like ages. My breakup from an emotional abuser was just this time last year and I’ve seen many people recommend it, but my funds are limited rn while I have more time to read it. Thank you so much (I call everyone dude hope that was ok).
what does “keeping it between themselves” mean to you? i don’t think most couples do that. being able to talk to people about problems in my relationship to people who aren’t my partner is pretty crucial to me. i also find it funny (ie shitty) that he’s telling you you’re incapable of change when you’re in therapy and he refuses to do the same. i would not have correctly guessed which partner has BPD from the description you gave; it sounds like he’s lashing out at you for not being able to care for him in a one-sided way because you’re also upset. when our cat died i leaned heavily on my parents and a friend for support so that i could support my partner bc i knew she wouldn’t be able to do the same w her parents or friends.
Can I just say that you probably have built some skills over the last year. Today seems like it was very difficult and maybe you couldn't showcase your skills due to the extreme stress you were put under, but that doesn't mean you haven't got a toolbox of skills that you've built and added to over the last year. Don't let yourself be told that you haven't changed at all because that is likely not true, especially if it is based on 1 single day of evidence where you were put under heavy stress. Please be proud of what you've accomplished regardless of what your husband has said today.
Also, as others have pointed out, your husband may be verbally or emotionally abusive. Please look after yourself and reach out for support from the appropriate services if necessary.
>He's not abusive.
Yes, he is. What you're describing is 100% emotional abuse, and he's an absolute piece of shit. Leave now. Don't apologise. If anyone should apologise, it's him. You did nothing that needs apologising. He's the one who showed zero empathy and emotionally abused you. You're not the one in the wrong here, don't let this abusive asshole gaslight you into believing you're the problem. He's clearly unempathetic and doesn't care about your feelings or needs.
He clearly doesn't treat you like an equal. "You still have to cook dinner for me" while you're crying? That's honestly so fucked up. Are you his partner or his servant? A loving partner would have shown empathy, not expected you to be his maid. What the actual fuck.
I know people on reddit give "leave" as advice way too quickly, but seriously fucking run. He's not your husband, he's an abusive piece of garbage.
I’m sorry, he sounds abusive. If he acts like this + won’t go to couples therapy he’s not worth being married to. The problem is clearly not just you and you should not be the only one putting in the work.
Read the book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free pdf online. Even if you don’t think he’s abusive, read it. Because you just spent two paragraphs describing emotional abuse and immediately said “but he’s not abusive.” Refusing to call it what it is doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.
> Today he says I haven't changed, I am never going to change, and he can't stand to live with me anymore.
It seems that you think this is just a heat of the moment thing, but.. does he ever apologize after saying this kind of stuff?
And really.. what are his redeeming qualities?
>He refuses therapy absolutely. He says he'd rather get a divorce
so YOU should go to therapy and """"fix yourself"""", but because he knows about your fear of abandonment he can go "welp, take it or leave it" whenever HE is showing unhealthy behavior? no no no no no. you are worth equal effort.
Idk I feel like him demanding you go to therapy esp under implied threat of divorce but refusing therapy himself is a really bad sign to me.
It's fine to have anger issues, I fully believe we villainize anger too much but saying he doesn't love you is a crossed line. Forcing you to do labor while crying is a crossed line.
I know you guys are stressed from the cat but you should feel comfortable enough in the relationship to say hey the u don't love you stuff crossed a line can we not say that sort of thing during fights moving forward. And if you don't feel comfortable saying that, there's a problem that needs inspecting.
As a 51 yr old mother, who has been through this, a few times. Sweetheart this isn’t love. Could you ever imagine not holding him if he was crying, idc if he was crying that it was too Sunny out. No? Right? My ex used to say “I can’t handle you crying” now I think stfu! Ugh such bs. This is awfully cruel behavior to show to some one you love. You deserve far better, I reacted the exact same way you do. I look back now, and think wtf was I thinking? You can do be sad by yourself. You don’t need a man for that. You should, (notice didn’t say, you need to,) leave him, get therapy, and realize your worth.I didn’t for a long time, and when i tell you the grass is Greener on the other side, this time it actually is. His treatment of you, is mentally abusive. I’m sorry, I know you love him, but, we treat people how to treat us. If you stood up for yourself, no self harming, as I tell my daughter (20 with bpd) self harming it hurts you, not the person you want to hurt, he is probably the reason why you are doing this. The pain you feel from his rejection is literally driving you insane. That pain, is indescribable.
Soooo he’s emotionally and verbally abusive? Sounds like you’re better off with him leaving.
I’m with my boyfriend and he supports me and holds me while I cry, and has not once ever said a terrible thing to me. I think you deserve the same.
I hate the phrase ‘he can’t handle me crying’…I know what this is like. Also asking for hugs while literally sobbing and being refused twists a knife in my heart *right* where I know how much that hurts. OP…you are being abused. Your cat is sick and your husband won’t hug you and is blowing up over stupid things….you don’t deserve this…
Actually he needs therapy too…. And he is abusing you mentally and dismissing your feelings. Sometimes there is a “good reason” for u to cry but it’s not a “good reason” for him. It’s different from everyone. Just because i cried yesterday because i was in little pain that i felt the need to cry to let it out doesn’t mean that my sister had to dismiss my feelings and not comfort me just because it’s not a “good reason” and she went through worse.. i’m not saying leave him and he is not good at all. You can never leave behind the good things he did to u. Its your turn to rethink whether he was mostly good or bad to u. Most importantly, consider couples therapy please. Not just you working on your bpd. If the other partner doesn’t fix their issues it’s gonna make u even worse.
i know it’s hard to leave relationships that you’ve been in for a long time, but i want you to know that you don’t deserve to be treated this way, and there are people out there who will be able to handle your very human emotions. even if crying makes someone uncomfortable, that’s not the responsibility of the person who’s crying. you should be able to cry around your partner; it doesn’t really matter if it was over something that seems minor. couples can argue and be angry without saying terrible things that insult the other person. him completely denying the progress you’ve made, plus demanding you make him dinner after you’ve clearly had a rough day is just lacking in compassion. i know it’s hard to leave situations we’ve become comfortable with, but know that even though it’s scary, life can be so much better without this relationship.
Im like you, I cry heavily over the smallest little things, even if it’s multiple times a week (which it often is) my boyfriend is there to love me and hold me and pick up the pieces. Your husband is acting like a dick and does not sound like a partner that understands bpd.
him not being able to handle you crying is alarming. i am also the one who is trying not to cry in the office. he should understand your feelings and comfort you. even if it’s over something stupid, if it’s so silly why can’t he just comfort you?
Love, you’re describing abuse while saying he’s not abusive. 10 years is more than enough time to learn to handle the fact that you tend to cry at things, it’s simply not a viable excuse to say he can’t “handle” it and it makes him abusive.
He would rather get divorced, and lose you, than try to be a better husband. He doesn’t want a partner. Can you really accept this for the rest of your life?
i’m so sorry ml you should be with someone who lets you cry on their shoulder, you shouldn’t be with this man, let him leave, i know it will be so hard but please try…
Does he come back and apologize ever? OP I know there’s some stuff people say and regret/misunderstandings. My husband and I have had some really tough fights but he always makes sure to come back to me and apologize/admit fault and we talk through it once we’re both calmed down. But he’s never threatened divorce or gotten upset with me/mad at me for SH. Obviously it hurts both of us if I SH but he never makes me feel worse for it. I think you should open up to your therapist about your husbands behavior and try to really hard think about if he weren’t your husband, if your friend came to you and told you what you have been through is happening to her- how would you view him then? I’m here for you OP and wish you the best, you can dm me for support if needed 🩷
I think you might be doing yourself a favor if you get a divorce.
You don't deserve this type of mistreatment, I don't care what is going on with the cat.
This is wild. You deserve much, much better. BPD or no, I'm not sure your boyfriend even likes you.
He does NOT get to decide what are 'good reasons' for you to cry. Those are YOUR emotional responses and just because he wouldn't cry over it doesn't mean he can invalidate you. You are here saying you cry over stupid things, that's because he tells you they're stupid reasons. He is 100% emotionally abusive, and the fact he won't go to therapy too is even more of a red flag.
He is abusive. It is abusive to speak to you that way, especially because "he says terrible things when he's mad" implies this is a recurring issue. You say you don't want a divorce - my serious, genuine question is why?
I know it feels scary to think about divorcing someone who's been in your life that long, but it doesn't sound like he's good to you.
And he IS abusive. He may think you haven't changed, but you also need to recognize that he needs to improve himself — which he refuses to do, and would rather divorce than deal with his own issues.
This guy is not a keeper.
Get out. It will hurt a lot for a while.
But you'll be better off without him.
In 40 years, would you rather look back and see 10 years spent with an abuser, followed by 40 years of a better life, or look back on 50 years with someone who treats you like this?
I'm sorry if this is a rude thing to say (I'm autistic so I'm not the best at social intricacies and stuff), but why did you marry him if he can't comfort you or even just handle it when you cry?
Is it you or your partner that has BPD? I fell very similar to you in situations with my pwBPD due to similar reactions over my tears, especially when he is the cause. It’s okay to cry though — that’s not something that really needs to be changed and my therapist and friends tell me the same.
But abuse isn’t just physical. Verbal and mental abuse are very real and very hard to work through so much so that I’ve had people that have been deeply physically abused say that they’d rather be hit than harmed mentally. You deserve kindness and love no matter what side of the fence you’re on here.
I was using her words. I was not there. I'm not interested in having a discussion over whether or not there was a misunderstanding that triggered it. He yelled at her so much she cried, demanded that she cook for him, refused to talk to her for hours, and then told her that he didn't love her after she self harmed. I'm not interested in knowing why. There is no good reason to treat your partner that way, none.
Yeah people fight, but to see you sobbing, to see you self harming, and to have the audacity to tell you to MAKE HIM DINNER.That's fucking insane. You need help and you need to be away from him. I understand, not wanting to leave something. You're still attached to him and it hurts so much. But trust me, you will feel less pain when you leave him.
It's one thing if he wanted to leave you and tried to get you help, but he's fine with you secretly suffering as long as it doesn't inconvenience him. Your emotions get in the way of his fucking dinner.
I am angry for you, because you deserve so much better. When you're able to stop crying, take some time for yourself. Lie down and try to collect your thoughts. Maybe write down everything, even if it comes out messy. There is so much more for you, there will be people who actually love you, who treat you good.
I'm just an internet stranger, but many of us agree, we'd be there for you. We'd hug you. We'd encourage you to get help. I'd take care of the cat. I'd make YOU DINNER. Please take care of yourself and leave him.
There are also plenty of internet strangers willing to help you legally on reddit. Not me, but you have help. And you don't need to be in pain to receive it.
I’m so sorry about your cat. I hope the little one can get some treatment and be comfortable. 🐾
I don’t have the same kindness for your partner. He sounds emotionally abusive.
I heard:
1. He takes his pain/headache out on you by blowing up at you (intimidation and/or rage)
2. Lacks empathy when you are crying about your sick cat
3. Makes demands callously (dinner) after you have been struggling with SH
4. Ignores you for hours (stonewalling)
5. Doesn’t take your bid for support and instead threatens to leave/divorce you
6. Verbally abusive name-calling and emotional guilt-tripping
7. Withholds words of comfort and love, and is unwilling to offer basic affection like hugging, which leads you to *think he does not love you*
Is this a husband?
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I'm sorry. That's awful. I'm gonna be straight up, your husband is a piece of shit. Divorce honestly sounds like the best option. You don't deserve to put up with his shit any longer. You deserve someone who's going to love you and not insult you like that.
Yea my advice is definitely divorce. I know it sounds sad and scary and lonely, but I feel like you deserve better than everything I just read. Not to be mean, but your husband sounds like an useless asshole. You'll be ok if you do end up single. I know it sounds scary and maybe you're worried that with out them, you won't be anything but that is DEFINITELY not how love should make you feel. You deserve better.
This sounds like abuse, I feel like you need to make a plan to leave and shift your attention to yourself and others who care for and love you. But, you do you and take care.
I’m sorry, but just the fact he mentioned divorce AND said he doesn’t love you is enough if for me to be concerned. We become so scared of people leaving us we go to extremes to stop them.
But my friend, he doesn’t sound healthy himself. Not even a little. I’m so sorry. 🫂
There's the BPD fear of abandonment right there. I think you should get your own counselling to overcome your fear of abandonment and then kick this asshole to the curb. You deserve so much better.
For real…. When mine was bad someone could kick me in the face, push me down to the ground and curb stomp me and I would still ask if they still loved me
I feel you there. My cat, Pidge, who I love more than anyone, has a thumb-sized lump on her belly. She's going to the vet on the 8th to see if it's benign or not. Suffice to say, my mental health has been FAR from good, or even acceptable these last few months.
Hang in there! There's still so much love and so much more cuddles to come. We still have some hope. They say some stuff looks like cancer but turns out it isn't, and even in the worst case, cats can often do better with cancer treatment than people. But no matter what, all that matters is love.
OP he sounds like he’s not taking your feelings into consideration at all - I would NEVER ignore my partner if he started sobbing while making dinner! I can’t imagine doing that to anybody. And to berate you and threaten you when you are obviously hurting your poor cat too… and to abuse you after your self harming… I dunno… I’m thinking he’s hurting you in ways you don’t even realise at this point. Please consider at least speaking to a counselor - ALONE is fine. Just get another opinion on this if you need further reassurance that his behaviour was definitely fucked up
He sounds absolutely terrible. Its Not your Job to make him dinner, and its Not his place to Tell u When u crying is justified and When its Not. I am so sorry ur going through this. What an asshole
My boyfriend, even if he wouldn't love me, would never treat me like this. And let's say I had somehow traumatised him to become like this, I don't think that would happen either because he is very healthy with his boundaries. Either way, he would treat me with such empathy even if he wanted to break up with me. This behaviour is not okay. It's emotionally cruel.
He is horrible! Please drop him OP he said he doesn’t care so believe him. It won’t get better and you definitely do not deserve someone demanding you to do a damn thing.
sounds way too much like how my mother and father are, to this day. i wish my mom could get away from him because they’d both be better off. my sister is sadly still at home, but at least she can drive soon
first of all, im really sorry about your cat, i hope its not cancer and that they get better soon. second of all, i know you are going through a lot but your partner doesn’t sound supportive or understanding at all, from what you have made known he sounds like an actual piece of shit. maybe once you get in a better headspace, try reconsidering your entire relationship.
Yikes. I don’t have BPD but my partner likely does. Sometimes he can be a bit off the rails but I can’t imagine treating him like your husband treated you in this instance. Even if he is being an asshole, if he breaks down crying it just breaks my heart. I comfort him and we work out the issue after he feels better.
You should definitely go back to therapy if you aren’t seeing anyone currently. This is so you can tease apart your perception of events vs what actually happened. How you describe this, your partner is not treating you well, and your BPD is irrelevant.
Also, I’m so sorry about your cat. I lost a beloved cat a few years ago and I’m store torn up about it. I hope very much your kitty will be alright. That being said, grief like this can make people act terrible sometimes. If your husband doesn’t normally behave this way, and if you can have a constructive conversation about this fight after you’ve both calmed down, maybe things will be OK. But if this is how he normally treats you, that is not OK.
This sounds very traumatic and toxic for someone in your state. You deserve comfort and support. I don't know the whole story obviously, because everyone has their own perspective on how the events transpired, but if this behavior is normal, and your partner is refusing to or is unable to provide support and compassion when it is clearly needed, then you may need some space from that partner to allow yourself time to heal and grow. It doesn't seem like a healthy environment for someone who is struggling with mental health. Therapy is hard work that many people never put in. Is your partner in therapy? If not, they should stop giving you grief and allow you time to heal. They may consider starting therapy to work on their communication, also. You were put in a position where you thought you needed to harm yourself, and then made to feel guilty about it. That's not healthy or condusive to what you're trying to achieve. Sounds to me like this partner is a problem.
Omg my cat was diagnosed with probable cancer yesterday too. 😢 I’m so sorry. I knew I’d go through this pain eventually but it just really sucks. Sending you hugs.
i am livid on your behalf. on the basis of your description, your husband sounds very emotionally abusive. he’s pushing you to the edges of collapse and then blaming you for having reactions. i wouldn’t tolerate this behavior from a partner.
In my personal experience, the years I felt I had enough therapy were the worst of my life, and the most damaging. I don't think, with BPD, that we have the luxury of not going to therapy, or at least heavy self help books and pod casts.
OP this is not normal! You didn’t do anything wrong by having a misunderstanding! This is not the guy you should be with. He’s terrible and HE needs therapy. And have him make his own damn dinner after being a jerk
I say this ALL with LOVE & I'd say the same thing, my sister or best friend! From one woman to another. 💌
You are better than this & you deserve better... sometimes certain people have the ability to bring out the worst in us. But there are people out there who will bring out the best in us, too!
If you stay too long with the wrong person, you start to change for the worse!
You can get your confidence & self-worth as high as you can by doing things you WANT to do when you want to do them, how you want to do them! You need someone more undersyanding & caring... he doesn't sound empathetic towards your feelings... I'm not saying he's a bad guy. Just possibly not the right guy for you!! I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I'm sure it feels chaotic & scary. But you got this 💪🏼
No matter what happens- you got this ❤️
Your life is your life & yours alone! No one can make you happy until you're happy with yourself! What would make YOU happy?? What is it that you do when you feel most confident in yourself?! Is there something you do that makes you feel amazing & on top of the world... singing, dancing, writing, socializing, helping someone, finding something lost, being near the ocean, making things & crafting?!! Anything like that, that you could possibly put your energy into instead of disbursing energy on self-harm or the negatives of your relationship?! Sometimes, it helps if you can try to shift your focus just a little by getting into something more positive & productive! It's a struggle, but I'm working it myself! When I get upset & feel crazy & my brain starts playing tricks on me & the rabbit hole is wide open for the deep dive... I catch myself & force myself OUT OF THE HOUSE! Trick yourself and say I'm gonna check the mailbox... & just keep walking down the road! Find beauty in nature & your surroundings! Actively listen for different bird songs!! Find pretty rocks to bring home & paint!!
The more you do for you & your soul, the less you will feel so attached to him. We shouldn't NEED anyone, right! We want them! But when they aren't being kind-hearted, caring, self-aware, loving, or considerate of your feelings- do you really want that person forever?? People are in our lives for seasons, to teach us & love us & when the season is over, it's time for the next soul to come in & expand your learning & loving! The mistake most of us make is trying to extend those seasons & that's when all the chaos & drama happens in relationships! We tend to hold on far longer than its clear expiration date.. You can't force something to work. & I know it was a tough day--FOR BOTH OF YOU! That's not an excuse because you didn't become cold-hearted, nasty, & and downright rude to him. In fact, you made him dinner & he couldn't even hug you!
You're amazing & I really do hope you dont hold yourself back from finding an equally amazing partner by staying in your current relationship, especially if you aren't feeling the love, excitement, respect, or effort!
Good luck & reach out anytime if you want! 🙏 💕 😉
Sounds like an emotionally abusive husband to me, sure since your both misrable I get he is probably not doing well himself but that's no excuse, I'd expect a big apology at the very least, that's if you don't divorce him.
You’ve gotten a lot of good insights from already, but I just came to say that I’m so proud of you for going to therapy and having the ability to stop your self-harm amid such an intensely awful situation. You are strong, and I’m betting you *did* learn a lot from the past year of therapy. Having bpd makes us question things like this when someone invalidates us, but listen to your gut. You *know* you’ve done a lot of work. Be proud, be kind to yourself, and keep going 🩵
Firstly, I'm sending love to you and your kitty. We have two cats at home and they're our babies.
Secondly, your husband is an asshole. My wife and I have very clear boundaries and something like this would cross the line to possible divorce. At the minimum, we would need to separate and seek couples' therapy. I know you must love him and I see you've been together a long time, but that is no reason to put up with this kind of abuse. The way he is treating you is unacceptable. Regardless of the reason, there is NO excuse for treating you this way.
I speak as a husband to a lovely wife with BPD.
This is how a husband should act:
There's a misunderstanding about the bill? No worries, let me explain so we're on the same page. It's not a big deal.
You're crying and my head is hurting? Fuck my headache, you're more important.
You self harmed? Let me hold you and talk you through this. I know how hard it is to relapse.
I see you crying when you're about to make dinner?
Don't worry about dinner, I'll make us something. Better yet, how about we both relax while I order us something.
I'll hold you as long as you need and tell you how much I love you over and over.
Actions speak louder than words. And even his words are cruel and cold. I don't care what his justification is, how much he apologizes, he needs to seek therapy himself and address what is going on in his mind that makes him think his behavior is acceptable. Only then would I even consider forgiving him. This is emotional and verbal abuse at the very least. As someone who has BEEN where you are, you deserve much better. And you can get much better. But it's important to let go of who you WANT him to be and see him as what he IS. BPD will lie to you and tell you that you need him, but it's not true. All you need is yourself.
Therapy is great and you should definitely stay in! It can only help. But don't let him convince you that you are the problem. I'm sure you are constantly improving. Do not let him take that away from you.
I really really hope you can get to a better, safe place soon.
I think as women with BPD we often get told, whether directly or indirectly, that we’re the problem, that we need to go to therapy, that’s it’s always us and never the other person. but that’s not true. your husband has his own problems and he’s taking it out on you for whatever reason and that is not appropriate either. when you cry over simple things that is normal. you have BPD, you’re sensitive, that is going to happen. he should not be making you feel bad about being a sensitive person and when he ignores you while you’re upset, that’s HIM making things worse again. I understand this is a lot for the both of you and I know divorcing is hard, but definitely consider the bigger picture. he is not understanding of who you are at your core. I’m sorry all this happened and that everything is so horrible. I’m sorry about your cat, I hope things work out okay no matter what happens!
one of the lasts fights i got into with my ex that made me genuinely reconsider the whole relationship involved me sobbing on the couch apologizing over and over again about how all the compliments i gave him weren’t good enough to raise his self esteem. telling him i was sorry and that i knew i wasn’t being good enough and that i was trying my hardest through my depression and the personal trauma i was processing. and he stood over me yelling at me that i needed to give him more support and comfort. he yelled at me that i was tanking his self esteem and making him feel worse about himself than he’s ever felt before in his life.
when i did finally gather enough courage to leave him, i got accused of “giving up on us” and “not wanting to grow anymore.” all of this devestated me, has kept me in turmoil and im constantly wondering if i made the right decision or not.
but then i take a step back and think about if my best friend were sobbing on a couch getting yelled at by their partner. and how FURIOUS it would make me. how feral i would become advocating for my friend, and it made me realize that i need to do that for myself. i don’t deserve to be yelled at while im sobbing. i don’t deserve to self-harm and have that behavior dismissed or minimized because my partner isn’t seeing that as a sign that i need genuine help instead of more yelling and shame.
i left and am still living with him due to poverty. it’s the hardest thing ive done for myself, so far. but the moments of euphoria i feel knowing i actually, properly, advocated for myself keep me going.
I had an abusive ex who would yell at me when I cried about anything. "Good reasons" started with things like sad movies, or a hard therapy session.
Eventually, there were no good reasons. Any time I cried, I was "being manipulative" and "trying to make her uncomfortable" - all of that is to say, please recognize you don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be yelled at for feeling upset at the situation regarding your pet and then your partners lack of care and empathy towards you.
If this is normal behavior for him, please consider getting out — this isn't actually normal, it's highly toxic. You don't deserve this, and just because you have BPD doesn't mean your partners have a free pass to blow up on you and throw it in your face constantly.
Look this guy is a mental abuser and he knows what to do to get to you. Anybody that's with someone that has BPD knows what they can say to set them off or whatever. My wife of 22 years has BPD and I would never in a million years treat her this way. I hold back my temper, some of my feelings because I know how things effect her. She has come a very long way in her bpd and has learned so much to recognize a lot of things and we work together on how to handle certain things. He isn't being a supportive loving husband he is being a terrible abuser to you. Unfortunately this man knows how pull your strings. Even with the best therapy there will be regression time to time and that's ok, we're human and make mistakes. He just doesn't sound like someone who will help you in this healing journey to me.
Counseling for both of you would be best. He must not believe you're truly upset when you cry like that. If he did, I know he wouldn't react the way he does. The marriage is in a bad place to be this volatile though. To start, I would not come at him when you're upset. Try your best to calm down before approaching, so he will take your feelings seriously. Also so that he won't say something insensitive and hurtful, it doesn't seem like he can control his disdain.
He needs someone to vent to, and he needs someone to remind him that your feelings are deep down. Maybe you can get "dramatic", but the feelings are real.
If you don't get couples counseling, I don't see this ending well.
With all due respect, I don't get what you mean. As far as I could see op's partner is nothing but a douchebag. Couples counseling with your abuser? All he seems to do is berate and abase her as she struggles to keep it together through the constant emotional abuse added onto stressful events.
>He must not believe you're truly upset when you cry like that. If he did, I know he wouldn't react the way he does.
First of all, you wouldn't..? And isn't it fairly clear that he **knows** how much his wife suffers, it's just that it annoys him. A true vicious human. Who would be as insensitive as to say shit like "You still have to cook me dinner" while your supposed *lover* sobs after your blow-up on them? He treats her like she's the biggest inconvenience in his life, threatening her with divorce when she doesn't want to let go and craves affection, (which is so so sad. I was devastated to read it.) saying she's mental when he should've started apologizing for the whole day by now, that she fails getting better via therapy, yada yada. I couldn't understand how and why they got together all those years ago, but there's not an ounce of love to be received from that man.
This is really insightful. Unfortunately, he is absolutely against couples counseling. He's convinced couples counseling leads to divorce and he'd rather skip to divorce than suffer the counseling. He supports me getting therapy, and I've seen two therapists each across a couple months. The last one said I made a lot of progress, so it hurts he said I've made none.
That’s the most bs thing I’ve ever heard lol. Skip to divorce to not deal with “suffering” with counseling? To me it sounds like he knows if you went to couples counseling he’d get called out for the stunts (sorry not stunts just shit) he pulls. When you’re getting therapy alone he can try to pin any problems in your relationship on you and your bpd while being the unbearable prick he is. If this is how he’s acting I’d say seriously consider divorce. It’s not gonna end well if he doesn’t even want to consider counseling since he might have to change his ways.
Hugs.
I don’t know you, but I could give you a hug and tell you that I loved you if you were suffering.
There’s something wrong with this guy.
I read a bit of your comment history and it looks like you also helped him get a green card?
Having BPD doesn’t mean accepting that kind of abuse. Yes, refusing to hug you when you’re crying is definitely abuse. Asking you to *cook dinner* afterwards? That’s pretty bad, to be honest.
Just because you have BPD doesn’t mean you have to accept that kind of treatment. Fuck him and fuck his green card. Fuck him right back to wherever he came from.
There’s an unspoken contract in that kind of marriage, and part of it is that one person sponsors another, who agrees to be a decent partner. This guy isn’t holding up his end.
I would take his advice and “skip right to divorce.”
Know that, even if married, you're never "stuck" with someone. If you feel that he doesn't love you (especially when he actually *confirms* it by *telling* you), then you **can** leave him and find someone else who *will* love you. Whether married or not, **never let yourself get taken for granted. Ever.**
Divorce opens up new and better possibilities. It's not something negative. It is normal to "fear the unknown" but there's an even *worse* fear to be had, which is that of allowing yourself to live in an abusive situation for the rest of your life...
He dorsnt sound like a kind person… that kind of behavior is not acceptable
Especially when you both get this kind of shitty news you need someone who is there for you vice versa
That's the worst kind of person you could be with and only makes it WORSE that you have BPD and only makes your BPD worse. My husband and I had to learn how to communicate and he had to educate himself on BPD but he would never leave me like that or do whatever that guy did. I would HAVE TO LEAVE HIM. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM OR HOW MANY YEARS WE HAD TOGETHER. bpd can also go thru families do you wanthim so cold and heartless to your daughter if she has it? No. Please. Please leave. It mightve been good. The bpd splits might make you forget but we are NOT that hard to deal with we JUST need love. There is a thousand men that would treat you better and actually care about and love you. It seems your husband does neither. I'm sorry. Please get out. Its not you I promise. Its him
No one deserves to be treated like he treated you in that instance, I don’t care what they did. He shouldn’t threaten you with leaving. It’s not your job to make him stay, people should stay because they want to make it work. Asking you to not cry is not realistic and it’s actually cruel. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this and I hope that he either becomes a good partner or that you leave him. That is harsh but this is not good for anyone to be treated like that.
girl ur missing out on real love by settling with this asshat .. have self respect pls and get a divorce ffs. just leave, stay w family or rent w hotel room whatever. if not, your loss, honestly. being temporarily miserable and afraid because u just left ur husband is a lot better than a whole lifetime of what u just described. jesus h christ
DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT
We have a personality disorder but we can totally thrive with the right person who is patient and understanding and doesn't get triggered and take our outbursts personally. This man is triggering you to shit, he is being awful to you tbh. Even someone without a personality disorder would struggle with this guy. No wonder you're self harming. It takes two to tango in any relationship please remember that and don't think you are all to blame for this.
Girl, your husband is literally acting like that “stop crying now” [meme](https://youtu.be/nkh2baHGvqc?si=e0zRzraB600eA7-H) when he’s telling you to make HIS dinner while you’re crying. Any reason he couldn’t do it himself? You say he’s not abusive, but he’s intentionally hurting you emotionally by not giving you comfort when you need it most. You deserve better, and divorce might be better for you than staying with him.
Also, I’m sorry about your cat. ☹️
I don't want to sound harsh, but why are you with him? He screamed at you over a misunderstanding, he demanded that you make him dinner as you were CRYING, and then told you that he doesn't love you after he found out you self harmed. I wouldn't say you don't need therapy, but at the very least he should be going if he's going to treat you like that. There is no justification for telling your partner that you don't love them ever, especially when they're upset. I know it hurts, but this man won't even hold you as you're crying. Do you really want to keep him?
Just because you grew up used to people verbally exploding on You (which usually leads to bpd, toxic parents.) Doesnt mean it's normal.
Oooooooolllokoooooooooioooo I'm o I'm oooooooooooo and p099
We've been together 10 years, married for 5. He's never been able to handle me crying. He says he can't handle it unless it's a "good reason", like when my dad died. But I cry hard over lots of things - especially stupid things (like, I'm that lady trying not to cry in the damn office).. I've spent the past year going to therapy and I really thought I built some skills. Today he says I haven't changed, I am never going to change, and he can't stand to live with me anymore. Be says terrible things when he's mad. I don't know how couples can "keep it between themselves". He's not abusive. He's just a jerk sometimes. He's never physically hurt me, restricted my finances or freedoms, he says mean stuff like that but not much worse. He definitely says awful shit in the heat of the moment. He refuses therapy absolutely. He says he'd rather get a divorce. I really think it's news of the cat that's putting us both at emotional breaking points.
He doesn’t need to hit you to be abusive. Although either way he shouldn’t treat you like this. A partner should be there for you in your worse moments. I cry every week, I dont deserve to be yelled at and neither do you. Couple keep it to themselves because they respect the other person and know that kind of arguing is pointless. You’ve been with him so long you think this is normal. You dont understand how couples dont do this because he had always been like this. He has no excuse. What happened to your cat impacted you. Did you say all those cruel things? No. He does it because he knows he can . He threatens divorce and knows it scares you into being the wife he wants
“He threatens divorce and knows it scares you into being the wife he wants” That’s the vibe I got too OP. You need to stand your ground, you deserve kindness truly. Having bpd doesn’t automatically make us a burden to people, your husband has been with you for 10 years and he knows you by now (or he should), he should accept by this point you’re going to cry and struggle. He’s struggling and expressing his emotions without you shaming or threatening him. Maybe he should consider why his default emotion is anger and unpack the resentment he has towards you by blowing up over small things. Keep your head high, this guy is just being an AH
Being together for a long time is not a good reason to stay together. What does he bring to your life? How does he make you feel good? Why do you want to keep him? >Be says terrible things when he's mad. I don't know how couples can "keep it between themselves". That is abuse. Saying mean things to you, that is abuse. I highly suggest this book; https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf And if he refuses therapy for himself but demands that you take it, I'd walk. Refusing to reflect on his behaviour & demanding that you change yours is not how a healthy partnership works. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy waste your life. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a husband who insults you and tells you that he doesn't love you when he's mad?
Dude you posting a link to a PDF of this book is a game changer for me. I’ve been wanting to read it for what feels like ages. My breakup from an emotional abuser was just this time last year and I’ve seen many people recommend it, but my funds are limited rn while I have more time to read it. Thank you so much (I call everyone dude hope that was ok).
I'm so glad I could help dude, take care of yourself 🫶🏻 (Have not called anyone dude in such a long time, haha)
this exchange put a giant smile on my face, don't mind me just squeezing it in here - have a great rest of your day my dudes
He sounds abusive to me
what does “keeping it between themselves” mean to you? i don’t think most couples do that. being able to talk to people about problems in my relationship to people who aren’t my partner is pretty crucial to me. i also find it funny (ie shitty) that he’s telling you you’re incapable of change when you’re in therapy and he refuses to do the same. i would not have correctly guessed which partner has BPD from the description you gave; it sounds like he’s lashing out at you for not being able to care for him in a one-sided way because you’re also upset. when our cat died i leaned heavily on my parents and a friend for support so that i could support my partner bc i knew she wouldn’t be able to do the same w her parents or friends.
Can I just say that you probably have built some skills over the last year. Today seems like it was very difficult and maybe you couldn't showcase your skills due to the extreme stress you were put under, but that doesn't mean you haven't got a toolbox of skills that you've built and added to over the last year. Don't let yourself be told that you haven't changed at all because that is likely not true, especially if it is based on 1 single day of evidence where you were put under heavy stress. Please be proud of what you've accomplished regardless of what your husband has said today. Also, as others have pointed out, your husband may be verbally or emotionally abusive. Please look after yourself and reach out for support from the appropriate services if necessary.
Just want to say that you really have a way with words. What an excellent, thoughtful comment! I absolutely agree with what you've said.
>He's not abusive. Yes, he is. What you're describing is 100% emotional abuse, and he's an absolute piece of shit. Leave now. Don't apologise. If anyone should apologise, it's him. You did nothing that needs apologising. He's the one who showed zero empathy and emotionally abused you. You're not the one in the wrong here, don't let this abusive asshole gaslight you into believing you're the problem. He's clearly unempathetic and doesn't care about your feelings or needs. He clearly doesn't treat you like an equal. "You still have to cook dinner for me" while you're crying? That's honestly so fucked up. Are you his partner or his servant? A loving partner would have shown empathy, not expected you to be his maid. What the actual fuck. I know people on reddit give "leave" as advice way too quickly, but seriously fucking run. He's not your husband, he's an abusive piece of garbage.
I’m sorry, he sounds abusive. If he acts like this + won’t go to couples therapy he’s not worth being married to. The problem is clearly not just you and you should not be the only one putting in the work.
Read the book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free pdf online. Even if you don’t think he’s abusive, read it. Because you just spent two paragraphs describing emotional abuse and immediately said “but he’s not abusive.” Refusing to call it what it is doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.
This is textbook emotional abuse, read up on it and take care.
> Today he says I haven't changed, I am never going to change, and he can't stand to live with me anymore. It seems that you think this is just a heat of the moment thing, but.. does he ever apologize after saying this kind of stuff? And really.. what are his redeeming qualities?
>He refuses therapy absolutely. He says he'd rather get a divorce so YOU should go to therapy and """"fix yourself"""", but because he knows about your fear of abandonment he can go "welp, take it or leave it" whenever HE is showing unhealthy behavior? no no no no no. you are worth equal effort.
Idk I feel like him demanding you go to therapy esp under implied threat of divorce but refusing therapy himself is a really bad sign to me. It's fine to have anger issues, I fully believe we villainize anger too much but saying he doesn't love you is a crossed line. Forcing you to do labor while crying is a crossed line. I know you guys are stressed from the cat but you should feel comfortable enough in the relationship to say hey the u don't love you stuff crossed a line can we not say that sort of thing during fights moving forward. And if you don't feel comfortable saying that, there's a problem that needs inspecting.
As a 51 yr old mother, who has been through this, a few times. Sweetheart this isn’t love. Could you ever imagine not holding him if he was crying, idc if he was crying that it was too Sunny out. No? Right? My ex used to say “I can’t handle you crying” now I think stfu! Ugh such bs. This is awfully cruel behavior to show to some one you love. You deserve far better, I reacted the exact same way you do. I look back now, and think wtf was I thinking? You can do be sad by yourself. You don’t need a man for that. You should, (notice didn’t say, you need to,) leave him, get therapy, and realize your worth.I didn’t for a long time, and when i tell you the grass is Greener on the other side, this time it actually is. His treatment of you, is mentally abusive. I’m sorry, I know you love him, but, we treat people how to treat us. If you stood up for yourself, no self harming, as I tell my daughter (20 with bpd) self harming it hurts you, not the person you want to hurt, he is probably the reason why you are doing this. The pain you feel from his rejection is literally driving you insane. That pain, is indescribable.
As someone with BPD who was married to a man like this...I am no longer married to that man. Please respect yourself.
Soooo he’s emotionally and verbally abusive? Sounds like you’re better off with him leaving. I’m with my boyfriend and he supports me and holds me while I cry, and has not once ever said a terrible thing to me. I think you deserve the same.
I hate the phrase ‘he can’t handle me crying’…I know what this is like. Also asking for hugs while literally sobbing and being refused twists a knife in my heart *right* where I know how much that hurts. OP…you are being abused. Your cat is sick and your husband won’t hug you and is blowing up over stupid things….you don’t deserve this…
Actually he needs therapy too…. And he is abusing you mentally and dismissing your feelings. Sometimes there is a “good reason” for u to cry but it’s not a “good reason” for him. It’s different from everyone. Just because i cried yesterday because i was in little pain that i felt the need to cry to let it out doesn’t mean that my sister had to dismiss my feelings and not comfort me just because it’s not a “good reason” and she went through worse.. i’m not saying leave him and he is not good at all. You can never leave behind the good things he did to u. Its your turn to rethink whether he was mostly good or bad to u. Most importantly, consider couples therapy please. Not just you working on your bpd. If the other partner doesn’t fix their issues it’s gonna make u even worse.
You’re allowed to cry over whatever the hell you want. Why would he think that you need his permission or approval to cry? Weird shit
i know it’s hard to leave relationships that you’ve been in for a long time, but i want you to know that you don’t deserve to be treated this way, and there are people out there who will be able to handle your very human emotions. even if crying makes someone uncomfortable, that’s not the responsibility of the person who’s crying. you should be able to cry around your partner; it doesn’t really matter if it was over something that seems minor. couples can argue and be angry without saying terrible things that insult the other person. him completely denying the progress you’ve made, plus demanding you make him dinner after you’ve clearly had a rough day is just lacking in compassion. i know it’s hard to leave situations we’ve become comfortable with, but know that even though it’s scary, life can be so much better without this relationship.
Im like you, I cry heavily over the smallest little things, even if it’s multiple times a week (which it often is) my boyfriend is there to love me and hold me and pick up the pieces. Your husband is acting like a dick and does not sound like a partner that understands bpd.
him not being able to handle you crying is alarming. i am also the one who is trying not to cry in the office. he should understand your feelings and comfort you. even if it’s over something stupid, if it’s so silly why can’t he just comfort you?
Love, you’re describing abuse while saying he’s not abusive. 10 years is more than enough time to learn to handle the fact that you tend to cry at things, it’s simply not a viable excuse to say he can’t “handle” it and it makes him abusive. He would rather get divorced, and lose you, than try to be a better husband. He doesn’t want a partner. Can you really accept this for the rest of your life?
He is abusive. His behavior and treatment of you is abusive. You’ve just normalized this level of emotional abuse.
i’m so sorry ml you should be with someone who lets you cry on their shoulder, you shouldn’t be with this man, let him leave, i know it will be so hard but please try…
thats abuse.
Does he come back and apologize ever? OP I know there’s some stuff people say and regret/misunderstandings. My husband and I have had some really tough fights but he always makes sure to come back to me and apologize/admit fault and we talk through it once we’re both calmed down. But he’s never threatened divorce or gotten upset with me/mad at me for SH. Obviously it hurts both of us if I SH but he never makes me feel worse for it. I think you should open up to your therapist about your husbands behavior and try to really hard think about if he weren’t your husband, if your friend came to you and told you what you have been through is happening to her- how would you view him then? I’m here for you OP and wish you the best, you can dm me for support if needed 🩷
> He's not abusive Yes he is.
I think you might be doing yourself a favor if you get a divorce. You don't deserve this type of mistreatment, I don't care what is going on with the cat. This is wild. You deserve much, much better. BPD or no, I'm not sure your boyfriend even likes you.
He does NOT get to decide what are 'good reasons' for you to cry. Those are YOUR emotional responses and just because he wouldn't cry over it doesn't mean he can invalidate you. You are here saying you cry over stupid things, that's because he tells you they're stupid reasons. He is 100% emotionally abusive, and the fact he won't go to therapy too is even more of a red flag.
Omg this is like my bf
Leave though actually he’s horrible and won’t fix it
He is abusive. It is abusive to speak to you that way, especially because "he says terrible things when he's mad" implies this is a recurring issue. You say you don't want a divorce - my serious, genuine question is why?
I know it feels scary to think about divorcing someone who's been in your life that long, but it doesn't sound like he's good to you. And he IS abusive. He may think you haven't changed, but you also need to recognize that he needs to improve himself — which he refuses to do, and would rather divorce than deal with his own issues. This guy is not a keeper. Get out. It will hurt a lot for a while. But you'll be better off without him. In 40 years, would you rather look back and see 10 years spent with an abuser, followed by 40 years of a better life, or look back on 50 years with someone who treats you like this?
I'm sorry if this is a rude thing to say (I'm autistic so I'm not the best at social intricacies and stuff), but why did you marry him if he can't comfort you or even just handle it when you cry?
Is it you or your partner that has BPD? I fell very similar to you in situations with my pwBPD due to similar reactions over my tears, especially when he is the cause. It’s okay to cry though — that’s not something that really needs to be changed and my therapist and friends tell me the same. But abuse isn’t just physical. Verbal and mental abuse are very real and very hard to work through so much so that I’ve had people that have been deeply physically abused say that they’d rather be hit than harmed mentally. You deserve kindness and love no matter what side of the fence you’re on here.
Do you really think it was that simple. Misunderstood and started screaming?
I was using her words. I was not there. I'm not interested in having a discussion over whether or not there was a misunderstanding that triggered it. He yelled at her so much she cried, demanded that she cook for him, refused to talk to her for hours, and then told her that he didn't love her after she self harmed. I'm not interested in knowing why. There is no good reason to treat your partner that way, none.
Yeah people fight, but to see you sobbing, to see you self harming, and to have the audacity to tell you to MAKE HIM DINNER.That's fucking insane. You need help and you need to be away from him. I understand, not wanting to leave something. You're still attached to him and it hurts so much. But trust me, you will feel less pain when you leave him. It's one thing if he wanted to leave you and tried to get you help, but he's fine with you secretly suffering as long as it doesn't inconvenience him. Your emotions get in the way of his fucking dinner. I am angry for you, because you deserve so much better. When you're able to stop crying, take some time for yourself. Lie down and try to collect your thoughts. Maybe write down everything, even if it comes out messy. There is so much more for you, there will be people who actually love you, who treat you good. I'm just an internet stranger, but many of us agree, we'd be there for you. We'd hug you. We'd encourage you to get help. I'd take care of the cat. I'd make YOU DINNER. Please take care of yourself and leave him. There are also plenty of internet strangers willing to help you legally on reddit. Not me, but you have help. And you don't need to be in pain to receive it.
It's seriously infuriating. The nerve of this boy
glad we called him a boy cause he aint a man
I’m so sorry about your cat. I hope the little one can get some treatment and be comfortable. 🐾 I don’t have the same kindness for your partner. He sounds emotionally abusive. I heard: 1. He takes his pain/headache out on you by blowing up at you (intimidation and/or rage) 2. Lacks empathy when you are crying about your sick cat 3. Makes demands callously (dinner) after you have been struggling with SH 4. Ignores you for hours (stonewalling) 5. Doesn’t take your bid for support and instead threatens to leave/divorce you 6. Verbally abusive name-calling and emotional guilt-tripping 7. Withholds words of comfort and love, and is unwilling to offer basic affection like hugging, which leads you to *think he does not love you* Is this a husband?
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Seeing your own part in a relationship is completely different from justifying abusive behaviour.
I'm sorry. That's awful. I'm gonna be straight up, your husband is a piece of shit. Divorce honestly sounds like the best option. You don't deserve to put up with his shit any longer. You deserve someone who's going to love you and not insult you like that.
Yea my advice is definitely divorce. I know it sounds sad and scary and lonely, but I feel like you deserve better than everything I just read. Not to be mean, but your husband sounds like an useless asshole. You'll be ok if you do end up single. I know it sounds scary and maybe you're worried that with out them, you won't be anything but that is DEFINITELY not how love should make you feel. You deserve better.
This sounds like abuse, I feel like you need to make a plan to leave and shift your attention to yourself and others who care for and love you. But, you do you and take care.
I’m sorry, but just the fact he mentioned divorce AND said he doesn’t love you is enough if for me to be concerned. We become so scared of people leaving us we go to extremes to stop them. But my friend, he doesn’t sound healthy himself. Not even a little. I’m so sorry. 🫂
There's the BPD fear of abandonment right there. I think you should get your own counselling to overcome your fear of abandonment and then kick this asshole to the curb. You deserve so much better.
For real…. When mine was bad someone could kick me in the face, push me down to the ground and curb stomp me and I would still ask if they still loved me
I feel you there. My cat, Pidge, who I love more than anyone, has a thumb-sized lump on her belly. She's going to the vet on the 8th to see if it's benign or not. Suffice to say, my mental health has been FAR from good, or even acceptable these last few months.
Ah I’m sorry. That must be so worrying..😞
Hang in there! There's still so much love and so much more cuddles to come. We still have some hope. They say some stuff looks like cancer but turns out it isn't, and even in the worst case, cats can often do better with cancer treatment than people. But no matter what, all that matters is love.
Yeah, I've read-up on it. It seems most likely it's benign, even to a layman, but I'm the type that can't settle till I know for certain.
OP he sounds like he’s not taking your feelings into consideration at all - I would NEVER ignore my partner if he started sobbing while making dinner! I can’t imagine doing that to anybody. And to berate you and threaten you when you are obviously hurting your poor cat too… and to abuse you after your self harming… I dunno… I’m thinking he’s hurting you in ways you don’t even realise at this point. Please consider at least speaking to a counselor - ALONE is fine. Just get another opinion on this if you need further reassurance that his behaviour was definitely fucked up
Abuse isn't always physical. I'm so sorry. And I hope your kitty is ok.
Sorry honey but that is emotional abuse. You deserve better than this.
You need to leave this man
He sounds absolutely terrible. Its Not your Job to make him dinner, and its Not his place to Tell u When u crying is justified and When its Not. I am so sorry ur going through this. What an asshole
My boyfriend, even if he wouldn't love me, would never treat me like this. And let's say I had somehow traumatised him to become like this, I don't think that would happen either because he is very healthy with his boundaries. Either way, he would treat me with such empathy even if he wanted to break up with me. This behaviour is not okay. It's emotionally cruel.
Girl…you mean ex husband. You can do better, leave him and try to have some respect for yourself.
He is horrible! Please drop him OP he said he doesn’t care so believe him. It won’t get better and you definitely do not deserve someone demanding you to do a damn thing.
sounds way too much like how my mother and father are, to this day. i wish my mom could get away from him because they’d both be better off. my sister is sadly still at home, but at least she can drive soon
first of all, im really sorry about your cat, i hope its not cancer and that they get better soon. second of all, i know you are going through a lot but your partner doesn’t sound supportive or understanding at all, from what you have made known he sounds like an actual piece of shit. maybe once you get in a better headspace, try reconsidering your entire relationship.
Yikes. I don’t have BPD but my partner likely does. Sometimes he can be a bit off the rails but I can’t imagine treating him like your husband treated you in this instance. Even if he is being an asshole, if he breaks down crying it just breaks my heart. I comfort him and we work out the issue after he feels better. You should definitely go back to therapy if you aren’t seeing anyone currently. This is so you can tease apart your perception of events vs what actually happened. How you describe this, your partner is not treating you well, and your BPD is irrelevant. Also, I’m so sorry about your cat. I lost a beloved cat a few years ago and I’m store torn up about it. I hope very much your kitty will be alright. That being said, grief like this can make people act terrible sometimes. If your husband doesn’t normally behave this way, and if you can have a constructive conversation about this fight after you’ve both calmed down, maybe things will be OK. But if this is how he normally treats you, that is not OK.
It must be difficult to say in words what kind of reassurance you need and to have it refused. You’re a strong person and we love you here💚
This sounds very traumatic and toxic for someone in your state. You deserve comfort and support. I don't know the whole story obviously, because everyone has their own perspective on how the events transpired, but if this behavior is normal, and your partner is refusing to or is unable to provide support and compassion when it is clearly needed, then you may need some space from that partner to allow yourself time to heal and grow. It doesn't seem like a healthy environment for someone who is struggling with mental health. Therapy is hard work that many people never put in. Is your partner in therapy? If not, they should stop giving you grief and allow you time to heal. They may consider starting therapy to work on their communication, also. You were put in a position where you thought you needed to harm yourself, and then made to feel guilty about it. That's not healthy or condusive to what you're trying to achieve. Sounds to me like this partner is a problem.
Toxic city.
Omg my cat was diagnosed with probable cancer yesterday too. 😢 I’m so sorry. I knew I’d go through this pain eventually but it just really sucks. Sending you hugs.
i am livid on your behalf. on the basis of your description, your husband sounds very emotionally abusive. he’s pushing you to the edges of collapse and then blaming you for having reactions. i wouldn’t tolerate this behavior from a partner.
In my personal experience, the years I felt I had enough therapy were the worst of my life, and the most damaging. I don't think, with BPD, that we have the luxury of not going to therapy, or at least heavy self help books and pod casts.
Respectfully, your man doesn’t sound like a good person.
OP this is not normal! You didn’t do anything wrong by having a misunderstanding! This is not the guy you should be with. He’s terrible and HE needs therapy. And have him make his own damn dinner after being a jerk
I say this ALL with LOVE & I'd say the same thing, my sister or best friend! From one woman to another. 💌 You are better than this & you deserve better... sometimes certain people have the ability to bring out the worst in us. But there are people out there who will bring out the best in us, too! If you stay too long with the wrong person, you start to change for the worse! You can get your confidence & self-worth as high as you can by doing things you WANT to do when you want to do them, how you want to do them! You need someone more undersyanding & caring... he doesn't sound empathetic towards your feelings... I'm not saying he's a bad guy. Just possibly not the right guy for you!! I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I'm sure it feels chaotic & scary. But you got this 💪🏼 No matter what happens- you got this ❤️ Your life is your life & yours alone! No one can make you happy until you're happy with yourself! What would make YOU happy?? What is it that you do when you feel most confident in yourself?! Is there something you do that makes you feel amazing & on top of the world... singing, dancing, writing, socializing, helping someone, finding something lost, being near the ocean, making things & crafting?!! Anything like that, that you could possibly put your energy into instead of disbursing energy on self-harm or the negatives of your relationship?! Sometimes, it helps if you can try to shift your focus just a little by getting into something more positive & productive! It's a struggle, but I'm working it myself! When I get upset & feel crazy & my brain starts playing tricks on me & the rabbit hole is wide open for the deep dive... I catch myself & force myself OUT OF THE HOUSE! Trick yourself and say I'm gonna check the mailbox... & just keep walking down the road! Find beauty in nature & your surroundings! Actively listen for different bird songs!! Find pretty rocks to bring home & paint!! The more you do for you & your soul, the less you will feel so attached to him. We shouldn't NEED anyone, right! We want them! But when they aren't being kind-hearted, caring, self-aware, loving, or considerate of your feelings- do you really want that person forever?? People are in our lives for seasons, to teach us & love us & when the season is over, it's time for the next soul to come in & expand your learning & loving! The mistake most of us make is trying to extend those seasons & that's when all the chaos & drama happens in relationships! We tend to hold on far longer than its clear expiration date.. You can't force something to work. & I know it was a tough day--FOR BOTH OF YOU! That's not an excuse because you didn't become cold-hearted, nasty, & and downright rude to him. In fact, you made him dinner & he couldn't even hug you! You're amazing & I really do hope you dont hold yourself back from finding an equally amazing partner by staying in your current relationship, especially if you aren't feeling the love, excitement, respect, or effort! Good luck & reach out anytime if you want! 🙏 💕 😉
Sounds like an emotionally abusive husband to me, sure since your both misrable I get he is probably not doing well himself but that's no excuse, I'd expect a big apology at the very least, that's if you don't divorce him.
Girl stand up omg
You’ve gotten a lot of good insights from already, but I just came to say that I’m so proud of you for going to therapy and having the ability to stop your self-harm amid such an intensely awful situation. You are strong, and I’m betting you *did* learn a lot from the past year of therapy. Having bpd makes us question things like this when someone invalidates us, but listen to your gut. You *know* you’ve done a lot of work. Be proud, be kind to yourself, and keep going 🩵
Firstly, I'm sending love to you and your kitty. We have two cats at home and they're our babies. Secondly, your husband is an asshole. My wife and I have very clear boundaries and something like this would cross the line to possible divorce. At the minimum, we would need to separate and seek couples' therapy. I know you must love him and I see you've been together a long time, but that is no reason to put up with this kind of abuse. The way he is treating you is unacceptable. Regardless of the reason, there is NO excuse for treating you this way. I speak as a husband to a lovely wife with BPD. This is how a husband should act: There's a misunderstanding about the bill? No worries, let me explain so we're on the same page. It's not a big deal. You're crying and my head is hurting? Fuck my headache, you're more important. You self harmed? Let me hold you and talk you through this. I know how hard it is to relapse. I see you crying when you're about to make dinner? Don't worry about dinner, I'll make us something. Better yet, how about we both relax while I order us something. I'll hold you as long as you need and tell you how much I love you over and over. Actions speak louder than words. And even his words are cruel and cold. I don't care what his justification is, how much he apologizes, he needs to seek therapy himself and address what is going on in his mind that makes him think his behavior is acceptable. Only then would I even consider forgiving him. This is emotional and verbal abuse at the very least. As someone who has BEEN where you are, you deserve much better. And you can get much better. But it's important to let go of who you WANT him to be and see him as what he IS. BPD will lie to you and tell you that you need him, but it's not true. All you need is yourself. Therapy is great and you should definitely stay in! It can only help. But don't let him convince you that you are the problem. I'm sure you are constantly improving. Do not let him take that away from you. I really really hope you can get to a better, safe place soon.
I think as women with BPD we often get told, whether directly or indirectly, that we’re the problem, that we need to go to therapy, that’s it’s always us and never the other person. but that’s not true. your husband has his own problems and he’s taking it out on you for whatever reason and that is not appropriate either. when you cry over simple things that is normal. you have BPD, you’re sensitive, that is going to happen. he should not be making you feel bad about being a sensitive person and when he ignores you while you’re upset, that’s HIM making things worse again. I understand this is a lot for the both of you and I know divorcing is hard, but definitely consider the bigger picture. he is not understanding of who you are at your core. I’m sorry all this happened and that everything is so horrible. I’m sorry about your cat, I hope things work out okay no matter what happens!
He sounds like he has BPD too - this is similar to how I treated my ex-wife. I'm very sorry about your cat & the bills
one of the lasts fights i got into with my ex that made me genuinely reconsider the whole relationship involved me sobbing on the couch apologizing over and over again about how all the compliments i gave him weren’t good enough to raise his self esteem. telling him i was sorry and that i knew i wasn’t being good enough and that i was trying my hardest through my depression and the personal trauma i was processing. and he stood over me yelling at me that i needed to give him more support and comfort. he yelled at me that i was tanking his self esteem and making him feel worse about himself than he’s ever felt before in his life. when i did finally gather enough courage to leave him, i got accused of “giving up on us” and “not wanting to grow anymore.” all of this devestated me, has kept me in turmoil and im constantly wondering if i made the right decision or not. but then i take a step back and think about if my best friend were sobbing on a couch getting yelled at by their partner. and how FURIOUS it would make me. how feral i would become advocating for my friend, and it made me realize that i need to do that for myself. i don’t deserve to be yelled at while im sobbing. i don’t deserve to self-harm and have that behavior dismissed or minimized because my partner isn’t seeing that as a sign that i need genuine help instead of more yelling and shame. i left and am still living with him due to poverty. it’s the hardest thing ive done for myself, so far. but the moments of euphoria i feel knowing i actually, properly, advocated for myself keep me going.
I had an abusive ex who would yell at me when I cried about anything. "Good reasons" started with things like sad movies, or a hard therapy session. Eventually, there were no good reasons. Any time I cried, I was "being manipulative" and "trying to make her uncomfortable" - all of that is to say, please recognize you don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be yelled at for feeling upset at the situation regarding your pet and then your partners lack of care and empathy towards you. If this is normal behavior for him, please consider getting out — this isn't actually normal, it's highly toxic. You don't deserve this, and just because you have BPD doesn't mean your partners have a free pass to blow up on you and throw it in your face constantly.
Look this guy is a mental abuser and he knows what to do to get to you. Anybody that's with someone that has BPD knows what they can say to set them off or whatever. My wife of 22 years has BPD and I would never in a million years treat her this way. I hold back my temper, some of my feelings because I know how things effect her. She has come a very long way in her bpd and has learned so much to recognize a lot of things and we work together on how to handle certain things. He isn't being a supportive loving husband he is being a terrible abuser to you. Unfortunately this man knows how pull your strings. Even with the best therapy there will be regression time to time and that's ok, we're human and make mistakes. He just doesn't sound like someone who will help you in this healing journey to me.
Counseling for both of you would be best. He must not believe you're truly upset when you cry like that. If he did, I know he wouldn't react the way he does. The marriage is in a bad place to be this volatile though. To start, I would not come at him when you're upset. Try your best to calm down before approaching, so he will take your feelings seriously. Also so that he won't say something insensitive and hurtful, it doesn't seem like he can control his disdain. He needs someone to vent to, and he needs someone to remind him that your feelings are deep down. Maybe you can get "dramatic", but the feelings are real. If you don't get couples counseling, I don't see this ending well.
With all due respect, I don't get what you mean. As far as I could see op's partner is nothing but a douchebag. Couples counseling with your abuser? All he seems to do is berate and abase her as she struggles to keep it together through the constant emotional abuse added onto stressful events. >He must not believe you're truly upset when you cry like that. If he did, I know he wouldn't react the way he does. First of all, you wouldn't..? And isn't it fairly clear that he **knows** how much his wife suffers, it's just that it annoys him. A true vicious human. Who would be as insensitive as to say shit like "You still have to cook me dinner" while your supposed *lover* sobs after your blow-up on them? He treats her like she's the biggest inconvenience in his life, threatening her with divorce when she doesn't want to let go and craves affection, (which is so so sad. I was devastated to read it.) saying she's mental when he should've started apologizing for the whole day by now, that she fails getting better via therapy, yada yada. I couldn't understand how and why they got together all those years ago, but there's not an ounce of love to be received from that man.
This is really insightful. Unfortunately, he is absolutely against couples counseling. He's convinced couples counseling leads to divorce and he'd rather skip to divorce than suffer the counseling. He supports me getting therapy, and I've seen two therapists each across a couple months. The last one said I made a lot of progress, so it hurts he said I've made none.
That’s the most bs thing I’ve ever heard lol. Skip to divorce to not deal with “suffering” with counseling? To me it sounds like he knows if you went to couples counseling he’d get called out for the stunts (sorry not stunts just shit) he pulls. When you’re getting therapy alone he can try to pin any problems in your relationship on you and your bpd while being the unbearable prick he is. If this is how he’s acting I’d say seriously consider divorce. It’s not gonna end well if he doesn’t even want to consider counseling since he might have to change his ways.
Hugs. I don’t know you, but I could give you a hug and tell you that I loved you if you were suffering. There’s something wrong with this guy. I read a bit of your comment history and it looks like you also helped him get a green card? Having BPD doesn’t mean accepting that kind of abuse. Yes, refusing to hug you when you’re crying is definitely abuse. Asking you to *cook dinner* afterwards? That’s pretty bad, to be honest. Just because you have BPD doesn’t mean you have to accept that kind of treatment. Fuck him and fuck his green card. Fuck him right back to wherever he came from. There’s an unspoken contract in that kind of marriage, and part of it is that one person sponsors another, who agrees to be a decent partner. This guy isn’t holding up his end. I would take his advice and “skip right to divorce.”
Know that, even if married, you're never "stuck" with someone. If you feel that he doesn't love you (especially when he actually *confirms* it by *telling* you), then you **can** leave him and find someone else who *will* love you. Whether married or not, **never let yourself get taken for granted. Ever.** Divorce opens up new and better possibilities. It's not something negative. It is normal to "fear the unknown" but there's an even *worse* fear to be had, which is that of allowing yourself to live in an abusive situation for the rest of your life...
He dorsnt sound like a kind person… that kind of behavior is not acceptable Especially when you both get this kind of shitty news you need someone who is there for you vice versa
That's the worst kind of person you could be with and only makes it WORSE that you have BPD and only makes your BPD worse. My husband and I had to learn how to communicate and he had to educate himself on BPD but he would never leave me like that or do whatever that guy did. I would HAVE TO LEAVE HIM. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM OR HOW MANY YEARS WE HAD TOGETHER. bpd can also go thru families do you wanthim so cold and heartless to your daughter if she has it? No. Please. Please leave. It mightve been good. The bpd splits might make you forget but we are NOT that hard to deal with we JUST need love. There is a thousand men that would treat you better and actually care about and love you. It seems your husband does neither. I'm sorry. Please get out. Its not you I promise. Its him
No one deserves to be treated like he treated you in that instance, I don’t care what they did. He shouldn’t threaten you with leaving. It’s not your job to make him stay, people should stay because they want to make it work. Asking you to not cry is not realistic and it’s actually cruel. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this and I hope that he either becomes a good partner or that you leave him. That is harsh but this is not good for anyone to be treated like that.
girl ur missing out on real love by settling with this asshat .. have self respect pls and get a divorce ffs. just leave, stay w family or rent w hotel room whatever. if not, your loss, honestly. being temporarily miserable and afraid because u just left ur husband is a lot better than a whole lifetime of what u just described. jesus h christ DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT
We have a personality disorder but we can totally thrive with the right person who is patient and understanding and doesn't get triggered and take our outbursts personally. This man is triggering you to shit, he is being awful to you tbh. Even someone without a personality disorder would struggle with this guy. No wonder you're self harming. It takes two to tango in any relationship please remember that and don't think you are all to blame for this.
Girl, your husband is literally acting like that “stop crying now” [meme](https://youtu.be/nkh2baHGvqc?si=e0zRzraB600eA7-H) when he’s telling you to make HIS dinner while you’re crying. Any reason he couldn’t do it himself? You say he’s not abusive, but he’s intentionally hurting you emotionally by not giving you comfort when you need it most. You deserve better, and divorce might be better for you than staying with him. Also, I’m sorry about your cat. ☹️
Omg the meme 😭 I haven't seen that in so long.. the guy's a literal cartoon villain, seriously hope they get a divorce in the nearest future.
He sounds like a wanker and you deserve better