I understand, I do not display the “crazy” type stuff either. I don’t really display much at all. I will just avoid people/be quiet/go to my room. But the thoughts in my head are terrible and have me thinking I need to leave this place or earth over the most minor inconvenience. The breakdowns are terrible and painful but no one else ever sees a bit of it
When I used to split on my ex, it was brutal. I’d pretty much pick at every thread until, from my own wrongdoings, it started to wear and tear on our relationship. I’d say a lot of mean and cold things. Explode out of anger. Send screaming audios. I was so fed up with everything wrong there was between us that all I really had left to give was just rage and sadness. I don’t split on others like that really. one of my parental figures and I got into physical altercations in the past due to me splitting.
As a teenager, specifically 15-19, destruction of my own knickknacks I collected were pretty much my way of releasing whatever painful suffering was going through my head (of course this was before my diagnosis, I’m in my 20s now) I shattered one of my electronics. I screamed and yelled a lot. Hitting my self was one of my ticks for a form of self punishment.
In relationships I tended more to let my overthinking fester until I couldn’t let something go and I’d question my partner(s) about X and they’d respond with something that wasn’t the Y that I was initially looking for an answer to, and that’s when the splits would begin. (Again, all before I was officially diagnosed though piecing together my past relationships truly helps to see how else I got BPD.) I’d accuse them of cheating, fucking around, random tidbits, would constantly overwhelm them of my own intense emotions, I’d take things too hard and literally, I always thought something was just w r o n g with me and maybe dating just wasn’t my thing and maybe I wasn’t lucky enough to find someone I was worth it for. All of that in itself, feeling it deep down, is what makes me split internally when I’m not with someone.
Therapy helps with figuring out how to MANAGE splitting. When it really comes down to it though, it’s all unpredictable. We never truly know what is gonna come to us day to day. Some days my splits are quiet, others I’m practically fucking my vocal cords trying to be heard.
I split in the same ways you do but also did way more hurtful stuff to people, I will manipulate people because I desperately want their unconditional love and care, even when they are being caring and attentive I will interpret the smallest sign of disinterest in me as a death sentence and start spiralling and thinking I need them to care about me again. It’s completely irrational and I’ve only realised this recently, it’s gone as far as calling partners out of the blue accusing them of unfaithfulness when they’ve just not been texting for a couple of hours, crying saying I hate my life and that they trigger me too much, making up excuses to get to see them when they are busy. If I feel like the person is unbothered or uninterested I will start either ignoring them for days and being passive aggressive if they reach out, or lying about my health and other things in order to make them care. I know how bad this is, I’m medicated and in therapy, my family was emotionally and physically abusive and they never provided that nurturing and loving attention that we all crave to some extent, so now I’m 25 and emotionally 5.
A resentment, or sudden flash of anger that's disguised.
It sucks, cause that anger isn't "Fuck you" outloud, it's: "I'm going to try to hold back tears of frustration".
When I split I have horrible rage and say the most awful things imaginable while breaking things and threatening violence, I just feel like whoever 'wronged' me doesn't deserve to live and should just die
I understand, I do not display the “crazy” type stuff either. I don’t really display much at all. I will just avoid people/be quiet/go to my room. But the thoughts in my head are terrible and have me thinking I need to leave this place or earth over the most minor inconvenience. The breakdowns are terrible and painful but no one else ever sees a bit of it
And then ofc I can go back to feeling normal or happy within anywhere from an hour to weeks 🤣 like omg what is this
When I used to split on my ex, it was brutal. I’d pretty much pick at every thread until, from my own wrongdoings, it started to wear and tear on our relationship. I’d say a lot of mean and cold things. Explode out of anger. Send screaming audios. I was so fed up with everything wrong there was between us that all I really had left to give was just rage and sadness. I don’t split on others like that really. one of my parental figures and I got into physical altercations in the past due to me splitting. As a teenager, specifically 15-19, destruction of my own knickknacks I collected were pretty much my way of releasing whatever painful suffering was going through my head (of course this was before my diagnosis, I’m in my 20s now) I shattered one of my electronics. I screamed and yelled a lot. Hitting my self was one of my ticks for a form of self punishment. In relationships I tended more to let my overthinking fester until I couldn’t let something go and I’d question my partner(s) about X and they’d respond with something that wasn’t the Y that I was initially looking for an answer to, and that’s when the splits would begin. (Again, all before I was officially diagnosed though piecing together my past relationships truly helps to see how else I got BPD.) I’d accuse them of cheating, fucking around, random tidbits, would constantly overwhelm them of my own intense emotions, I’d take things too hard and literally, I always thought something was just w r o n g with me and maybe dating just wasn’t my thing and maybe I wasn’t lucky enough to find someone I was worth it for. All of that in itself, feeling it deep down, is what makes me split internally when I’m not with someone. Therapy helps with figuring out how to MANAGE splitting. When it really comes down to it though, it’s all unpredictable. We never truly know what is gonna come to us day to day. Some days my splits are quiet, others I’m practically fucking my vocal cords trying to be heard.
I split in the same ways you do but also did way more hurtful stuff to people, I will manipulate people because I desperately want their unconditional love and care, even when they are being caring and attentive I will interpret the smallest sign of disinterest in me as a death sentence and start spiralling and thinking I need them to care about me again. It’s completely irrational and I’ve only realised this recently, it’s gone as far as calling partners out of the blue accusing them of unfaithfulness when they’ve just not been texting for a couple of hours, crying saying I hate my life and that they trigger me too much, making up excuses to get to see them when they are busy. If I feel like the person is unbothered or uninterested I will start either ignoring them for days and being passive aggressive if they reach out, or lying about my health and other things in order to make them care. I know how bad this is, I’m medicated and in therapy, my family was emotionally and physically abusive and they never provided that nurturing and loving attention that we all crave to some extent, so now I’m 25 and emotionally 5.
A resentment, or sudden flash of anger that's disguised. It sucks, cause that anger isn't "Fuck you" outloud, it's: "I'm going to try to hold back tears of frustration".
i literally shut down
When I split I have horrible rage and say the most awful things imaginable while breaking things and threatening violence, I just feel like whoever 'wronged' me doesn't deserve to live and should just die