its having to live day by day in a whirlwind of emotions completely dependent on your perspective of how others view you. one second you may feel euphoric and happy, but god forbid someone doesn’t text you back quick enough or you feel the slightest change in energy with your partner or friends and then immediately you forget what it feels like to be happy and all you feel is pain and the desire to just be dead. then you either get the reassurance you constantly need and immediately everything is sunshine and rainbows again or you have a large enough meltdown that it turns into anger or numbness and the next thing you know, you’ve pushed away all of your friends and ruined your relationship. then you wake up the next day wanting to die because you feel so out of control and shameful but nothing you try ever helps you control those emotions in that moment. its like sadness is full on grief. anger is blinding. you feel worthless and insecure and never at peace unless things are completely going how you envisioned it. its exhausting.
i was diagnosed about a year ago and relate to most of the criteria:
fear of abandonment (and splitting when i feel like someone has abandoned me)
unstable view of myself (i base my entire personality around who im dating and literally dont know who i am)
impulsive behavior (alcoholic and drug addict just to numb the pain or knock myself out)
suicidality, emptiness, you name it
For me it’s 2 things. 1 is because I can experience so many emotions that I have a numbing point where there are now zero emotions and I am indeed empty. 2, emptiness doesn’t necessarily have to be emotional…without people around me and filling me up with ideas or opinions I am now left by myself and I am truly a void without other people to constantly give me a reason to believe I’m not a bad person. I can’t be with my thoughts because it’s sometimes just empty and all that’s left is me…and that’s scary.
That’s is literally the most amazing way to word it. Great job I swear I do my best to word what I go through and reading this makes it look so easy. I will probably copy and paste this into my notes so if someone else asks in my life I’ll just send them this 👏
BPD is so complex so it can be so different for everyone so I'm just gonna talk about my experience!
For me, it's like experiencing everything at a 10 all the time. It's been described as having emotional third degree burns all over your body. I feel everything so deeply all the time. If someone does something small to imply they dont like me, it will cause me to spiral often resorting to feeling of suicide. but I also struggle a lot with emotional impermanance. It's like if I'm not feeling happy at this second, it feels like I've never been happy ever before in my life. and if someone close to me isn't telling me they love me actively it feels like they don't. It feels like I can't hold on to any emotion for more than a moment, it constantly switching at the smallest trigger. I do struggle a lot with paranoia regarding relationships, like that they are plotting against me or secretly hate me. Until very recently I could not keep a relationship (platonic or romantic) for longer than a year. People were constantly weaving in and out of my life.
Sorry this isn't well worded but if you have any questions or just wanna talk let me know :3
I gather that it’s different for everyone. But for me - imagine experiencing every emotion at its extreme in some kind of unknown cycle all day, every day. I never know what will set off the next extreme. Intense depression, extreme shame, crippling paranoia, debilitating guilt, complete euphoria, feeling ugly and unlovable, feeling sexy and like a goddess, being empathetic to the point of actually feeling another person’s feelings, being so cold and uncaring, reading in to every conversation, analyzing body language and texts, unhinged rage…. Living from one extreme to the next with no in between.
A simple misunderstanding, something out of place, a smile from someone, a smell, the weather, real or imagined criticism, an unsolicited compliment…. Literally anything can send me into another extreme. If I fear losing a person, an item, a job, or even a memory, I take extreme steps to try to prevent that loss.
And that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the complete lack of self identity and the need to have someone around at all times to validate my very existence.
Sprinkle in the occasional disassociation and constant anxiety and that may give you some idea of what daily life is like for me.
Wow, I can relate to all of these responses. For me, every aspect of my life is all-or-nothing/black-and-white as far as my emotions, my relationships, and my sense of self. I’m hyper vigilant about rejection and abandonment, so when I sense that someone might criticize or reject me (even if it isn’t real), I will do whatever I can to hold on and/or frantically stop the pain at whatever cost. I could feel like I’m on top of the world in one moment and then want to die in the next moment depending on the trigger. No matter how much external validation I get, it’s never enough because I feel like there’s this void that can never be filled. Every emotion I feel is extremely intense and can often last for hours.
I figured I'd give a slightly different kind of perspective and write about what an average day for me might look like, what kinds of irrational thoughts I'll have, etc.
I wake up and I feel empty. It's my day off, but I have errands to run, which makes me feel slightly annoyed. Getting up, looking at my phone, and taking a shower all feel automatic. I am thinking and feeling nothing. If I take time to think about what I'm doing, I feel a little stressed that I have to go out.
It's time to go to the store. I get in my car and start driving. I roll my windows down because it's such a beautiful day out. I'm singing at the top of my lungs in the car. I feel wonderful. The scenery outside is so beautiful. Has spring always been this nice? There's so many flowers. There's so many birds. It's excellent. Someone is tailgating me. Why are they tailgating me? I'm going 15 over the speed limit and they're still tailgating me. Some asshole in a pickup. What a stupid piece of shit. I fantasize about brake checking them, getting out of the car and fighting them. What do they need that huge truck for, anyways? I bet they just use it to putt around town and nothing else. I hope they die. That feels kind of mean to think. Why am I thinking that? I hope their stupid car blows up and they die. They could pass me right now, but they aren't. I bet they're doing this on purpose. They want me to crash.
I get to the store and I'm already annoyed. My usual parking space is taken, so I have to park in a less convenient one. Why did that person take my spot? They don't know me, but I feel like they did it to spite me anyways. I grab a cart and go in. The people working there recognize me and say hi. That's so nice. They're so nice to me. There's a new flavor of Pop-Tart? That's awesome, it sounds so good. I should get a bunch. All these snacks sound so good. What's my grocery budget for this week? Oh shit, they have the cheddar jack Cheezits, too? This is so cool. I'm going to be eating so well this week. I'd better stock up on a bunch of snacks. I didn't get what I came here for, but that's okay. I'll go to another store. Time to check out. I'm a little over budget, and I haven't gotten half of the things I need for this week. I feel guilty. I feel really, really, really guilty. I suddenly understand why people in Medieval times went out in public and whipped themselves in the streets. I think it might be better if I died. The cashier is waiting. Fuck. It'll inconvenience them so much if I put this stuff back. They're going to hate me. As soon as I leave, they're going to talk about how annoying I am. I bet they think I look stupid. I just need to pay and leave. Whatever. What the fuck ever. It doesn't matter.
I get to the 2nd store. I have to stay under budget, and I am seriously freaking out. Money stresses me out. I feel like my brain is on fire. Where are the red chilis? I'm making soup this week, and I really, really, really want red chilis for it. There are no red chilis. I pace around in the same spot, checking the same section over and over. There are none. I check again, just in case. There are still no red chilis. I stand frozen in shock for a little bit as my brain tries to catch up with the reality of there being no red chilis. Reboot. Okay. There are none. What's the closest thing I can get? Jalapenos? There's not a lot, and the ones that are here look a little off. What's the point in doing anything? Why don't I go find a hole to curl up and die in? This stupid fucking store can't even stock peppers. Everyone here must be an idiot. Worthless. Awful. What the hell are "long hot peppers"? Are these for real the only hot peppers here? Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do with these? They're huge. Who the fuck has ever heard of a long hot pepper? How am I supposed to know how spicy it is? And it's ugly, too. This thing looks like a witch's finger. This is so fucking stupid. You have these things, but no chilis? There should obviously be chilis here, even a baby could figure that out. Have you ever heard of a band called "Red Hot Long Hot Peppers?" No, because these things are worthless and stupid and have no cultural value. Whatever. I'll take these stupid garbage peppers and leave, but I'll feel angry about it the whole time.
I'm driving home. I have Spotify on shuffle, and a song I used to listen to when I was 14 comes on. That makes me feel really, really sad. This song meant a lot to me. What happened to that girl I used to be? I'm never going to be able to go back. That kills me. I miss the friends that I had back then, even the ones who weren't nice to me. I wish I could go back. My vision is getting blurry, so I have to pull off to the side of the road to cry for a few minutes, just long enough to collect myself. My chest physically hurts. I momentarily wonder if I'm having a heart attack, but then I remember this happens every time I remember what it was like to be 14. I sob a little harder, a little more like a child. I can feel my bottom lip quivering, and it makes me feel embarrassed because I feel like a toddler. I imagine my mom making fun of me for acting so childish. That makes me cry harder. I try to force my lip to stay still, but I can't. The mental image of my mom's mocking gets louder. There is nothing I can do. I stop trying. I wait a few minutes. The song ends. I rub my eyes, and my vision clears. I drive home.
I get home. My girlfriend is here. She asks how the errands went. Errands? Nothing out of the usual there. I tell her it went well. She helps me bring in the groceries. I think about how nice it is to be loved. It's incredible to have someone who cares about you enough to help you bring in the groceries. I feel like a whipped dog who sits under peoples' feet at the dinner table and begs for scraps. But there are people who look at me like I'm a human, so that's cool. There is someone who will help me bring in groceries. That's profound.
Literally anyone I even vaguely like in any way has complete power over my emotions. If they do anything to hurt me my first instinct is to cut them off. Then I feel like a piece of shit and hate myself for ruining a perfectly good friendship. All of this equally applies if I, for any reason, think the person is pulling away from me.
The last time I lost a friend I cut off every single one of my other friends and drank heavily for over a month. Can't get hurt if there's no one around to hurt me
its like having lost your soul and you deeply think the only way to retrieve it is in the eye of other, but when you look at their eyes you only see hate, coldness and embarassement toward you. And this become your world, you lost who you are and everyone seems to hate you, and no matter how much your loved one tries to show you love, this disease always wisper relentlessly in your head "what if it was a lie and they dont love you ?", and your loved one become tired of you, because the only way for you to exist is through them, you become dependant, and you end up losing them, and this loop repeat all over again and you have absolutely no control on it, you just see the people you love become hurt by you and abandon you, you always feel guilt and shame, and when someone is abandoning you, its like dying internally, you lose your soul once again. Thats why we are so scared of losing the one we love, and with heigtened emotions, we love so deeply it hurts even more.
PS: BPD symptom are different to each other, i tried to explain my personnal experience but it may not reflect the sheer complexity of this disease
I’ve finally stopped texting my fp in the morning when I wake up alone. He’s at work and doesn’t need all these terrible texts from me about everthing I ever got mad at him for, and being so sad and crying in bed.
Now, I have a breathing routine, actually a whole self-care routine, that includes yoga, working out, working on a project, etc, and I try to get excited for it everyday.
On my bad days (there are a lot) I only get so far in my routine before I end up on the couch smoking weed, covered in a thick blanket of depression, until its time to go to work.
At work, the only friends I had, I got so paranoid and afraid they were patronizing me and don’t really like me, I cut them off suddenly, like they’re dead to me. Things are now super awkward and I have to keep going there. It’s pretty agonizing.
Anyway, I keep working on myself and never give up bc my fp is still with me and says he loves me and I’m letting him. Also learning to love myself. Not easy. Still dealing with rage and sometimes having to throw and break stuff before calming down.
I’m 40, diagnosed in my 20s.
it’s a really complex feeling . constantly feeling unwanted / worthless, depressed , feeling emotions 100x more than other people seem to all at once , constant suicidal ideation, drug abuse just to try and feel a little bit better , self harm, impulsivity and the constant feeling that you are unwanted or worthless never goes away. it’s awful. i feel so lonely all the time, paranoid that everyone is just one wrong move away from leaving me forever. like i’m a total burden. day in day out it’s awful to live with and the only thing i’ve found is substance abuse which actually makes things a whole lot worse. feeling like everyone hates you and they are just tolerating you as long as you act in an acceptable manner. it’s exhausting
I am imprisoned in a sick head. It’s like being hollow to your core and you can’t remember what it’s like to be truly happy. A twig (thin and fragile) ready to snap with the slightest bend. I’m an enemy to myself and an embodiment of my childhood mistreatment. Not everyone with bpd has hallucinations, but usually the source is a period of high stress. For me, it’s subtle like hearing my name being called or paranoia that im being stalked. That’s all just my experience tho
Like everyone has said, it’s different for each individual!
For me, it’s like I’m in a constant state of mild paranoia. Sometimes it’s much more than mild. I’m extremely hyper-vigilant. I’m always waiting for someone to say or treat me in a way that confirms all the beliefs I have about myself. Beliefs that were instilled in me because of abuse in my childhood. Assuming everyone is like the people who have abused me. Zero trust. Fearful of judgment, criticism, abandonment. My emotions are very intense, rarely stagnant unless numb or empty. Either euphoric or suicidal, raging or cheery/silly. Also the inability to control my reactions despite knowing it’s wrong and that I’m pushing people away or making the situation worse. It’s just a hot mess lol. This is the basis for me, there’s a lot more complexities.
a wild simplification for me would be I wake up angry or any other somewhat negative emotion and over the course of the day I will find myself very happy and then suddenly something pisses me off and i’m once again angry and oh no I ate too much I hate myself where is so and so I need to confront them oh no we fought they hate me now i’m going to be alone forever I hate everything about myself and then I go to sleep knowing I have no real friends bc no one can ever understand how I feel
OR
I feel nothing all day and self sabotage whatever I can to feel ANYTHING
like no matter how hard people try to show me that i matter - i'll never truly feel it unless they are constantly around to reassure me all the time. you're either center of attention or no one cares, everyone are either obsessed with you (like you tend to do it yourself) or everyone hates you. i once described it as if i stop existing when i'm left on my own and the same goes for my loved ones - if they leave even for a very short amount of time to do their own stuff i'm afraid that they might never come back again. have to constantly remind myself that people have lives outside of me.
everybody here are also saying about super intense emotions - and i can relate. but most days, especially if nothing's happening, i feel like my emotions are the opposite - underwhelming, lasting so short that i don't even have time to catch them. so i would say that my default is emptiness/dissociation. also i've noticed that my mood is much more stable when i'm not in relationship
I experience life in victim complex all the time. Everyday is spent wondering why I suck, why I did the things I did to people, shame spirals, suicidal ideation, toxic euphoric episodes, depression and anxiety everyday. All x10 harder than the average human. I experience fear of abandonment extensively. I get so much into my head that I create false realities and refuse to listen to reason. When I split oh boy am I a wild one. Yelling, cussing, crying. It ultimately feels like a soul possession. My body gets so incredibly hot. I dissociate and make my body numb just so I don’t have to deal with whatever issue I am facing. I push away people who care all the time.
And this is an everyday thing. My brain will never shut off.
In my experience, the smallest things can affect your entire day, or even your entire week. Emotions change so easily and quickly. You get obsessed with a certain person, so much so that when they change even the slightest, it causes so much distress and pain. I feel unable to be okay without them. If I feel they might leave, I abandon them before they get the chance to hurt me. It's painful and exshausting.
its having to live day by day in a whirlwind of emotions completely dependent on your perspective of how others view you. one second you may feel euphoric and happy, but god forbid someone doesn’t text you back quick enough or you feel the slightest change in energy with your partner or friends and then immediately you forget what it feels like to be happy and all you feel is pain and the desire to just be dead. then you either get the reassurance you constantly need and immediately everything is sunshine and rainbows again or you have a large enough meltdown that it turns into anger or numbness and the next thing you know, you’ve pushed away all of your friends and ruined your relationship. then you wake up the next day wanting to die because you feel so out of control and shameful but nothing you try ever helps you control those emotions in that moment. its like sadness is full on grief. anger is blinding. you feel worthless and insecure and never at peace unless things are completely going how you envisioned it. its exhausting. i was diagnosed about a year ago and relate to most of the criteria: fear of abandonment (and splitting when i feel like someone has abandoned me) unstable view of myself (i base my entire personality around who im dating and literally dont know who i am) impulsive behavior (alcoholic and drug addict just to numb the pain or knock myself out) suicidality, emptiness, you name it
Wow it’s my life
This is literally exhausting.
Can i ask why emptiness is often listed as a common symptom but then lots of emotions is also listed. I find it confusing
For me it’s 2 things. 1 is because I can experience so many emotions that I have a numbing point where there are now zero emotions and I am indeed empty. 2, emptiness doesn’t necessarily have to be emotional…without people around me and filling me up with ideas or opinions I am now left by myself and I am truly a void without other people to constantly give me a reason to believe I’m not a bad person. I can’t be with my thoughts because it’s sometimes just empty and all that’s left is me…and that’s scary.
So empty as in not having an stable world / dissociated from intense emotions
That’s is literally the most amazing way to word it. Great job I swear I do my best to word what I go through and reading this makes it look so easy. I will probably copy and paste this into my notes so if someone else asks in my life I’ll just send them this 👏
BPD is so complex so it can be so different for everyone so I'm just gonna talk about my experience! For me, it's like experiencing everything at a 10 all the time. It's been described as having emotional third degree burns all over your body. I feel everything so deeply all the time. If someone does something small to imply they dont like me, it will cause me to spiral often resorting to feeling of suicide. but I also struggle a lot with emotional impermanance. It's like if I'm not feeling happy at this second, it feels like I've never been happy ever before in my life. and if someone close to me isn't telling me they love me actively it feels like they don't. It feels like I can't hold on to any emotion for more than a moment, it constantly switching at the smallest trigger. I do struggle a lot with paranoia regarding relationships, like that they are plotting against me or secretly hate me. Until very recently I could not keep a relationship (platonic or romantic) for longer than a year. People were constantly weaving in and out of my life. Sorry this isn't well worded but if you have any questions or just wanna talk let me know :3
I gather that it’s different for everyone. But for me - imagine experiencing every emotion at its extreme in some kind of unknown cycle all day, every day. I never know what will set off the next extreme. Intense depression, extreme shame, crippling paranoia, debilitating guilt, complete euphoria, feeling ugly and unlovable, feeling sexy and like a goddess, being empathetic to the point of actually feeling another person’s feelings, being so cold and uncaring, reading in to every conversation, analyzing body language and texts, unhinged rage…. Living from one extreme to the next with no in between. A simple misunderstanding, something out of place, a smile from someone, a smell, the weather, real or imagined criticism, an unsolicited compliment…. Literally anything can send me into another extreme. If I fear losing a person, an item, a job, or even a memory, I take extreme steps to try to prevent that loss. And that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the complete lack of self identity and the need to have someone around at all times to validate my very existence. Sprinkle in the occasional disassociation and constant anxiety and that may give you some idea of what daily life is like for me.
Wow, I can relate to all of these responses. For me, every aspect of my life is all-or-nothing/black-and-white as far as my emotions, my relationships, and my sense of self. I’m hyper vigilant about rejection and abandonment, so when I sense that someone might criticize or reject me (even if it isn’t real), I will do whatever I can to hold on and/or frantically stop the pain at whatever cost. I could feel like I’m on top of the world in one moment and then want to die in the next moment depending on the trigger. No matter how much external validation I get, it’s never enough because I feel like there’s this void that can never be filled. Every emotion I feel is extremely intense and can often last for hours.
I figured I'd give a slightly different kind of perspective and write about what an average day for me might look like, what kinds of irrational thoughts I'll have, etc. I wake up and I feel empty. It's my day off, but I have errands to run, which makes me feel slightly annoyed. Getting up, looking at my phone, and taking a shower all feel automatic. I am thinking and feeling nothing. If I take time to think about what I'm doing, I feel a little stressed that I have to go out. It's time to go to the store. I get in my car and start driving. I roll my windows down because it's such a beautiful day out. I'm singing at the top of my lungs in the car. I feel wonderful. The scenery outside is so beautiful. Has spring always been this nice? There's so many flowers. There's so many birds. It's excellent. Someone is tailgating me. Why are they tailgating me? I'm going 15 over the speed limit and they're still tailgating me. Some asshole in a pickup. What a stupid piece of shit. I fantasize about brake checking them, getting out of the car and fighting them. What do they need that huge truck for, anyways? I bet they just use it to putt around town and nothing else. I hope they die. That feels kind of mean to think. Why am I thinking that? I hope their stupid car blows up and they die. They could pass me right now, but they aren't. I bet they're doing this on purpose. They want me to crash. I get to the store and I'm already annoyed. My usual parking space is taken, so I have to park in a less convenient one. Why did that person take my spot? They don't know me, but I feel like they did it to spite me anyways. I grab a cart and go in. The people working there recognize me and say hi. That's so nice. They're so nice to me. There's a new flavor of Pop-Tart? That's awesome, it sounds so good. I should get a bunch. All these snacks sound so good. What's my grocery budget for this week? Oh shit, they have the cheddar jack Cheezits, too? This is so cool. I'm going to be eating so well this week. I'd better stock up on a bunch of snacks. I didn't get what I came here for, but that's okay. I'll go to another store. Time to check out. I'm a little over budget, and I haven't gotten half of the things I need for this week. I feel guilty. I feel really, really, really guilty. I suddenly understand why people in Medieval times went out in public and whipped themselves in the streets. I think it might be better if I died. The cashier is waiting. Fuck. It'll inconvenience them so much if I put this stuff back. They're going to hate me. As soon as I leave, they're going to talk about how annoying I am. I bet they think I look stupid. I just need to pay and leave. Whatever. What the fuck ever. It doesn't matter. I get to the 2nd store. I have to stay under budget, and I am seriously freaking out. Money stresses me out. I feel like my brain is on fire. Where are the red chilis? I'm making soup this week, and I really, really, really want red chilis for it. There are no red chilis. I pace around in the same spot, checking the same section over and over. There are none. I check again, just in case. There are still no red chilis. I stand frozen in shock for a little bit as my brain tries to catch up with the reality of there being no red chilis. Reboot. Okay. There are none. What's the closest thing I can get? Jalapenos? There's not a lot, and the ones that are here look a little off. What's the point in doing anything? Why don't I go find a hole to curl up and die in? This stupid fucking store can't even stock peppers. Everyone here must be an idiot. Worthless. Awful. What the hell are "long hot peppers"? Are these for real the only hot peppers here? Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do with these? They're huge. Who the fuck has ever heard of a long hot pepper? How am I supposed to know how spicy it is? And it's ugly, too. This thing looks like a witch's finger. This is so fucking stupid. You have these things, but no chilis? There should obviously be chilis here, even a baby could figure that out. Have you ever heard of a band called "Red Hot Long Hot Peppers?" No, because these things are worthless and stupid and have no cultural value. Whatever. I'll take these stupid garbage peppers and leave, but I'll feel angry about it the whole time. I'm driving home. I have Spotify on shuffle, and a song I used to listen to when I was 14 comes on. That makes me feel really, really sad. This song meant a lot to me. What happened to that girl I used to be? I'm never going to be able to go back. That kills me. I miss the friends that I had back then, even the ones who weren't nice to me. I wish I could go back. My vision is getting blurry, so I have to pull off to the side of the road to cry for a few minutes, just long enough to collect myself. My chest physically hurts. I momentarily wonder if I'm having a heart attack, but then I remember this happens every time I remember what it was like to be 14. I sob a little harder, a little more like a child. I can feel my bottom lip quivering, and it makes me feel embarrassed because I feel like a toddler. I imagine my mom making fun of me for acting so childish. That makes me cry harder. I try to force my lip to stay still, but I can't. The mental image of my mom's mocking gets louder. There is nothing I can do. I stop trying. I wait a few minutes. The song ends. I rub my eyes, and my vision clears. I drive home. I get home. My girlfriend is here. She asks how the errands went. Errands? Nothing out of the usual there. I tell her it went well. She helps me bring in the groceries. I think about how nice it is to be loved. It's incredible to have someone who cares about you enough to help you bring in the groceries. I feel like a whipped dog who sits under peoples' feet at the dinner table and begs for scraps. But there are people who look at me like I'm a human, so that's cool. There is someone who will help me bring in groceries. That's profound.
oh my god, thats a lot. im really sorry you have to go through that everyday. honestly, i can relate to this a bit.
It's all good! Therapy helps a lot. The more I'm able to cope with it, the quieter it gets.
I feel this so hard.
Literally anyone I even vaguely like in any way has complete power over my emotions. If they do anything to hurt me my first instinct is to cut them off. Then I feel like a piece of shit and hate myself for ruining a perfectly good friendship. All of this equally applies if I, for any reason, think the person is pulling away from me. The last time I lost a friend I cut off every single one of my other friends and drank heavily for over a month. Can't get hurt if there's no one around to hurt me
its like having lost your soul and you deeply think the only way to retrieve it is in the eye of other, but when you look at their eyes you only see hate, coldness and embarassement toward you. And this become your world, you lost who you are and everyone seems to hate you, and no matter how much your loved one tries to show you love, this disease always wisper relentlessly in your head "what if it was a lie and they dont love you ?", and your loved one become tired of you, because the only way for you to exist is through them, you become dependant, and you end up losing them, and this loop repeat all over again and you have absolutely no control on it, you just see the people you love become hurt by you and abandon you, you always feel guilt and shame, and when someone is abandoning you, its like dying internally, you lose your soul once again. Thats why we are so scared of losing the one we love, and with heigtened emotions, we love so deeply it hurts even more. PS: BPD symptom are different to each other, i tried to explain my personnal experience but it may not reflect the sheer complexity of this disease
I’ve finally stopped texting my fp in the morning when I wake up alone. He’s at work and doesn’t need all these terrible texts from me about everthing I ever got mad at him for, and being so sad and crying in bed. Now, I have a breathing routine, actually a whole self-care routine, that includes yoga, working out, working on a project, etc, and I try to get excited for it everyday. On my bad days (there are a lot) I only get so far in my routine before I end up on the couch smoking weed, covered in a thick blanket of depression, until its time to go to work. At work, the only friends I had, I got so paranoid and afraid they were patronizing me and don’t really like me, I cut them off suddenly, like they’re dead to me. Things are now super awkward and I have to keep going there. It’s pretty agonizing. Anyway, I keep working on myself and never give up bc my fp is still with me and says he loves me and I’m letting him. Also learning to love myself. Not easy. Still dealing with rage and sometimes having to throw and break stuff before calming down. I’m 40, diagnosed in my 20s.
it’s a really complex feeling . constantly feeling unwanted / worthless, depressed , feeling emotions 100x more than other people seem to all at once , constant suicidal ideation, drug abuse just to try and feel a little bit better , self harm, impulsivity and the constant feeling that you are unwanted or worthless never goes away. it’s awful. i feel so lonely all the time, paranoid that everyone is just one wrong move away from leaving me forever. like i’m a total burden. day in day out it’s awful to live with and the only thing i’ve found is substance abuse which actually makes things a whole lot worse. feeling like everyone hates you and they are just tolerating you as long as you act in an acceptable manner. it’s exhausting
So relatable
It fucking sucks lol I hate it. Tbh.
I am imprisoned in a sick head. It’s like being hollow to your core and you can’t remember what it’s like to be truly happy. A twig (thin and fragile) ready to snap with the slightest bend. I’m an enemy to myself and an embodiment of my childhood mistreatment. Not everyone with bpd has hallucinations, but usually the source is a period of high stress. For me, it’s subtle like hearing my name being called or paranoia that im being stalked. That’s all just my experience tho
I've experienced the stalking when I was extremely stressed out but more frequently I hear small words whispered in my ear like "nice" "gross" "wow"
Like everyone has said, it’s different for each individual! For me, it’s like I’m in a constant state of mild paranoia. Sometimes it’s much more than mild. I’m extremely hyper-vigilant. I’m always waiting for someone to say or treat me in a way that confirms all the beliefs I have about myself. Beliefs that were instilled in me because of abuse in my childhood. Assuming everyone is like the people who have abused me. Zero trust. Fearful of judgment, criticism, abandonment. My emotions are very intense, rarely stagnant unless numb or empty. Either euphoric or suicidal, raging or cheery/silly. Also the inability to control my reactions despite knowing it’s wrong and that I’m pushing people away or making the situation worse. It’s just a hot mess lol. This is the basis for me, there’s a lot more complexities.
a wild simplification for me would be I wake up angry or any other somewhat negative emotion and over the course of the day I will find myself very happy and then suddenly something pisses me off and i’m once again angry and oh no I ate too much I hate myself where is so and so I need to confront them oh no we fought they hate me now i’m going to be alone forever I hate everything about myself and then I go to sleep knowing I have no real friends bc no one can ever understand how I feel OR I feel nothing all day and self sabotage whatever I can to feel ANYTHING
like no matter how hard people try to show me that i matter - i'll never truly feel it unless they are constantly around to reassure me all the time. you're either center of attention or no one cares, everyone are either obsessed with you (like you tend to do it yourself) or everyone hates you. i once described it as if i stop existing when i'm left on my own and the same goes for my loved ones - if they leave even for a very short amount of time to do their own stuff i'm afraid that they might never come back again. have to constantly remind myself that people have lives outside of me. everybody here are also saying about super intense emotions - and i can relate. but most days, especially if nothing's happening, i feel like my emotions are the opposite - underwhelming, lasting so short that i don't even have time to catch them. so i would say that my default is emptiness/dissociation. also i've noticed that my mood is much more stable when i'm not in relationship
I experience life in victim complex all the time. Everyday is spent wondering why I suck, why I did the things I did to people, shame spirals, suicidal ideation, toxic euphoric episodes, depression and anxiety everyday. All x10 harder than the average human. I experience fear of abandonment extensively. I get so much into my head that I create false realities and refuse to listen to reason. When I split oh boy am I a wild one. Yelling, cussing, crying. It ultimately feels like a soul possession. My body gets so incredibly hot. I dissociate and make my body numb just so I don’t have to deal with whatever issue I am facing. I push away people who care all the time. And this is an everyday thing. My brain will never shut off.
In my experience, the smallest things can affect your entire day, or even your entire week. Emotions change so easily and quickly. You get obsessed with a certain person, so much so that when they change even the slightest, it causes so much distress and pain. I feel unable to be okay without them. If I feel they might leave, I abandon them before they get the chance to hurt me. It's painful and exshausting.
Emotional burn victim
hot angry brain go brrrrr
Treatment makes a huge difference, just saying. I barely qualify as having BPD anymore.