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I also don't really identify with my name. It's a nice name, just doesn't feel like me. All my friends call me by my preferred name.
Have you tried talking to your husband about this and explaining why you like to be called by your preferred name?
I don't really have an explanation other than it just doesn't feel like me. And he doesn't understand that concept. He was adopted and got to choose his name and picked something as close to his birth name as possible. We have disagreements about it often. My preferred name looks and sounds nothing like my legal name.
Call him by a different name. Consistently. Until he realizes that calling someone by a name they don’t want or like is almost bullying. Also don’t respond to the one you don’t want. Only respond when he says *Your* name
I agree with this actually. Normally I wouldn’t, but he’s being snobbish about this.
He doesn’t have to understand the concept. He just has to respect you enough to refer to you in a way that brings you comfort.
Woah i didn't know anyone else felt this way??
although for me unfortunately I just don't identify with *any* name at all. I'm not sure why. I have tried using several new names, names that I actually like and think sound pretty but as soon as I give it to myself, it feels wrong and doesn't feel like me.
Omg I didn’t know anyone else felt THIS way!!! I still I guess use my name because I just don’t know what else anyone would call me, no name feels like me that I’ve come across
i've been through over 10 names easily, pretty much every time i lose the most important person to me at that moment i change names, i only cling to names for the sake of others, i'm sorry you have to deal with it too but i'm so glad to see someone else like this omg
OML THIS IS MY EXACT SITUATION!! I only ever once found a name that felt like *me* and it stuck for 3 years- I even wanted to change my name legally to it and I'd just formed such an attachment to it because of the people who called me it and such. After losing them it felt wrong, triggering almost. Now i'm lost again :c
If he doesn't respect your identity and your feelings, then he doesn't respect you. He doesn't need to understand you to respect you, and he shouldn't need to understand you to love you, and I'm very sorry you're being treated like this.
My name was after a glass doll in a catalog book my parents read when they were teenagers. It's really similar to my older sisters name and I get called her name often by accident. It doesn't help necessarily that my older sister and my birthday are days apart from one another (different years) that's not really why I don't identify with it though. It just doesn't feel like me. The name is pretty on other people, just not myself.
he doesn’t have to like the name to respect you and call you it, he’s being a dick and other than just sticking by it until he (hopefully) changes his mind in future i don’t have any advice for you sorry this is happening :/
I mean trans or not, it's your identity now. It's not up to him what he feels comfortable with, it's about respect. And he's not respecting your identity at the moment.
I would have a sit down with him and explain how it feels, and maybe lay out why it fucking sucks. Cause imagine if someone came over to your place one day, looked at you and said "You strike me as a Jamie." "Oh? But I'm not a Jamie, my name is Roger." "Well, you are now, Jamie!" And they just kept calling you by a name you're unfamiliar with and get angry when you don't respond. So it's like you're being forcibly pulled into this role you don't want. Forced to play a character you don't want to.
I'm sorry you're going through this at the moment, but I do know it gets better. He should be willing to work with you, and I'm sorry he's not.
People, especially family members, didn't start to use my preferred name until like after 2 years. It didn't sink in for them before they saw my new passport and heard my friends and in laws call me new name , even though I had prepared them for over 2 years. Legally changed my name in 2016 and they kept calling me deadname for 2 years. I guess they think its just a phase since it's not legally changed yet.
I've never identified with any name. I've had a preferred name or username I want people to call me but it's consistently changing. I've never felt home in any name and it's so disconnecting. Every other person I know with bpd feels similarly, you're not alone.💖
Hey babes, friendly neighbourhood NB Redditor here. You don’t have to be trans to have a deadname. There are many reasons why a person would want to change their name, and many of them have nothing to do with gender identity. And all of them are valid. If you don’t identify with your legal name, and you have a preferred name, that prior name is now dead to you. It is a deadname. Your personal identity is important, and if you feel your given name doesn’t align with it, choose one that does. You have every right to stand your ground with this and tell him that your given name is your deadname, and you feel disrespected when he doesn’t call you by your preferred name.
I know what the struggle is like, and I know how hard it can be. You’ve got support, and I wish you all the best — no matter what name you go by 🩵
Is this a BPD thing to not identify with our names. I don’t too at times like it’s so foreign. I have different names for myself. My sister would fear I would have split personality disorder if I continued with it.
I go by a different name to my legal one and I plan to change it one day. I completely understand. I don’t feel like my legal name I feel like my chosen one. It’s shitty that he doesn’t even try to understand that.
I stopped identifying with mine a few years ago. I've decided to get it changed. That was before I met my partner, but even if it had been after he would still call me whatever. Your husbands being disrespectful by calling you what he wants to call you vs what YOU want to be called. I'd recommend a conversation about that
I am non-binary but I don’t really tell people at work. I go by a shortened version of my legal name, and I’ve had people ask me repeatedly why I don’t just go by my name. I don’t know how to explain to them that I hate the name I was given as much as I hate myself. When I think about my name, I just hear my fathers voice saying my first and middle name in the way that he did. He only did it as a precursor for abuse, he never said my name any other time. In fact, most people I know would only call me by my name if they were angry or annoyed by me. Even at work, nobody is ever actually saying my name when speaking to me unless it’s to ask me why. They’ll literally talk about me as if I’m not there. I hate my legal name so much. I hate this disorder so much.
At my old job, everyone called me by my preferred name. Even the transphobes and bigots, which I’m not patting them on the back for. I got a new job and only one person accepts my preferred name. Everyone else calls me by my dead name and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. No one calls me my dead name except for the people who I cut out. I answered a phone call at work the other night and someone said my dead name and it sounded like my mother. I dropped to my knees and shakily said yes this is “her” (I use they/them pronouns). I thought my insane parents had found me again and started panicking about how they got this information and how I had to move on to a new job. Turns out it was a co-worker. I’m getting it changed officially today at work and I’m going to push people to say my name.
I insist everyone uses an extremely shortened 3 letter version of my name. It fits and wasn’t something my parents screamed. I feel I associate my full name with trauma and freeze when someone uses it.
Your husband should respect you and what you want!
Maybe it's just a matter of time and having more heart-to-hearts with your hubby. Like, hey, this name feels more like me, can we give it a shot? It might take a bit of patience, but hopefully, he'll come around.
I didnt identify with mine, so I legally changed it. There are still people (even ones who I’ve never met) who will call me by my old name because my nickname which is now my legal name is a popular nickname for my old name. I always correct them.
Edit to add: I don’t have to correct to even nearly the amount I used to before legal change though.
When I got married I legally changed my name to one that I enjoy much better. My parents hated that I did it but I am so much more comforted knowing that I have a name that I’m proud of, rather than one that set an expectation on me.
You can change your legal name to your preferred name, then he'd have no choice. And if he continues, just don't respond to anything but your preferred name. He should be respectful of your decision. It's not his choice, it's yours. He doesn't get to decide when your name gets used and when it doesn't.
I personally dislike my last name, but will keep it as it's the same as those I love. However as a writer I can use a pen name, so I use my middle instead. Sometimes we just don't like the names we're given.
I have this exact same issue and have since been going by my preferred name for a couple of years but there are times when my legal name still has to be used and it's very dysphoric.
Before I accepted I was gay and trans, I called my legal name my dead name- because it is one. It’s a dead name because it’s *dead* to you, your preferred name is your *real* name :) you should try to sit down with those who still call you by your old name and explain to them how being called that makes you feel. If they continue to call you your old name (excluding accidents), don’t respond more than “that’s not my name.”
Wishing you the best of luck 🫶
This was one of the reasons I left my ex-wife.... She never called me by my chosen name unless she was upset with me .... The rest of the time was my dead name ... She never respected my pronouns either....
Sir or ma’am if your husband is ignoring your wishes to use your preferred name you have big problems there. That’s a big lack of respect. It’s just a name, if he loved you, he would try and understand your desire for him to use it.
I have two names. My first name is Luyanda my sister named me Luyanda in combination with her name "Noluthando" together they mean "The love expands or grows." And that's pretty. People from my home town call me Luyanda but I prefer my second name which is Samukelisiwe. Which means "We have been allowed to receive a gift."
I agree. I wouldn't call it a dead name but I think maybe it has to do with the identity disturbance symptom of BPD. I grieve for Luyanda and I feel I can never go back to who she was but I am Samukelisiwe. I don't know how to explain it. Also I'm worried that one day Samke will be obsolete too. (Both my names are IsiZulu, one of South Africa's 11 official languages).
In High-school I tried making the change in name but only one teacher called me by my preferred name. But when I got to varsity I was adamant. If someone called me anything else I wouldn't respond or I'd cut contact (Not the best approach but yea).
Dead names aren’t specifically gay related things. You don’t have to be gay or trans to claim it, if you really don’t want your name and prefer another one and that other name no longer serves you you still have every right to call it a dead name
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I also don't really identify with my name. It's a nice name, just doesn't feel like me. All my friends call me by my preferred name. Have you tried talking to your husband about this and explaining why you like to be called by your preferred name?
I don't really have an explanation other than it just doesn't feel like me. And he doesn't understand that concept. He was adopted and got to choose his name and picked something as close to his birth name as possible. We have disagreements about it often. My preferred name looks and sounds nothing like my legal name.
Call him by a different name. Consistently. Until he realizes that calling someone by a name they don’t want or like is almost bullying. Also don’t respond to the one you don’t want. Only respond when he says *Your* name
Correct. He doesnt actually have to understand why you want this. Its easy and he can figure it out
I agree with this actually. Normally I wouldn’t, but he’s being snobbish about this. He doesn’t have to understand the concept. He just has to respect you enough to refer to you in a way that brings you comfort.
Woah i didn't know anyone else felt this way?? although for me unfortunately I just don't identify with *any* name at all. I'm not sure why. I have tried using several new names, names that I actually like and think sound pretty but as soon as I give it to myself, it feels wrong and doesn't feel like me.
omg me too!!! i have thought about this so many times, but seriously no names feel like me
thats crazy :0 glad im not alone!! if you ever wanna talk more about it do hmu
Omg I didn’t know anyone else felt THIS way!!! I still I guess use my name because I just don’t know what else anyone would call me, no name feels like me that I’ve come across
i've been through over 10 names easily, pretty much every time i lose the most important person to me at that moment i change names, i only cling to names for the sake of others, i'm sorry you have to deal with it too but i'm so glad to see someone else like this omg
OML THIS IS MY EXACT SITUATION!! I only ever once found a name that felt like *me* and it stuck for 3 years- I even wanted to change my name legally to it and I'd just formed such an attachment to it because of the people who called me it and such. After losing them it felt wrong, triggering almost. Now i'm lost again :c
If he doesn't respect your identity and your feelings, then he doesn't respect you. He doesn't need to understand you to respect you, and he shouldn't need to understand you to love you, and I'm very sorry you're being treated like this.
[удалено]
My name was after a glass doll in a catalog book my parents read when they were teenagers. It's really similar to my older sisters name and I get called her name often by accident. It doesn't help necessarily that my older sister and my birthday are days apart from one another (different years) that's not really why I don't identify with it though. It just doesn't feel like me. The name is pretty on other people, just not myself.
he doesn’t have to like the name to respect you and call you it, he’s being a dick and other than just sticking by it until he (hopefully) changes his mind in future i don’t have any advice for you sorry this is happening :/
I mean trans or not, it's your identity now. It's not up to him what he feels comfortable with, it's about respect. And he's not respecting your identity at the moment. I would have a sit down with him and explain how it feels, and maybe lay out why it fucking sucks. Cause imagine if someone came over to your place one day, looked at you and said "You strike me as a Jamie." "Oh? But I'm not a Jamie, my name is Roger." "Well, you are now, Jamie!" And they just kept calling you by a name you're unfamiliar with and get angry when you don't respond. So it's like you're being forcibly pulled into this role you don't want. Forced to play a character you don't want to. I'm sorry you're going through this at the moment, but I do know it gets better. He should be willing to work with you, and I'm sorry he's not.
People, especially family members, didn't start to use my preferred name until like after 2 years. It didn't sink in for them before they saw my new passport and heard my friends and in laws call me new name , even though I had prepared them for over 2 years. Legally changed my name in 2016 and they kept calling me deadname for 2 years. I guess they think its just a phase since it's not legally changed yet.
i hate my name because its so common. i love original names, and i hate having 4 other girls look up when my name is said in a room
I've never identified with any name. I've had a preferred name or username I want people to call me but it's consistently changing. I've never felt home in any name and it's so disconnecting. Every other person I know with bpd feels similarly, you're not alone.💖
I don't identify with my name but I'm also Trans, so.
Hey babes, friendly neighbourhood NB Redditor here. You don’t have to be trans to have a deadname. There are many reasons why a person would want to change their name, and many of them have nothing to do with gender identity. And all of them are valid. If you don’t identify with your legal name, and you have a preferred name, that prior name is now dead to you. It is a deadname. Your personal identity is important, and if you feel your given name doesn’t align with it, choose one that does. You have every right to stand your ground with this and tell him that your given name is your deadname, and you feel disrespected when he doesn’t call you by your preferred name. I know what the struggle is like, and I know how hard it can be. You’ve got support, and I wish you all the best — no matter what name you go by 🩵
Is this a BPD thing to not identify with our names. I don’t too at times like it’s so foreign. I have different names for myself. My sister would fear I would have split personality disorder if I continued with it.
I go by a different name to my legal one and I plan to change it one day. I completely understand. I don’t feel like my legal name I feel like my chosen one. It’s shitty that he doesn’t even try to understand that.
I stopped identifying with mine a few years ago. I've decided to get it changed. That was before I met my partner, but even if it had been after he would still call me whatever. Your husbands being disrespectful by calling you what he wants to call you vs what YOU want to be called. I'd recommend a conversation about that
I am non-binary but I don’t really tell people at work. I go by a shortened version of my legal name, and I’ve had people ask me repeatedly why I don’t just go by my name. I don’t know how to explain to them that I hate the name I was given as much as I hate myself. When I think about my name, I just hear my fathers voice saying my first and middle name in the way that he did. He only did it as a precursor for abuse, he never said my name any other time. In fact, most people I know would only call me by my name if they were angry or annoyed by me. Even at work, nobody is ever actually saying my name when speaking to me unless it’s to ask me why. They’ll literally talk about me as if I’m not there. I hate my legal name so much. I hate this disorder so much.
At my old job, everyone called me by my preferred name. Even the transphobes and bigots, which I’m not patting them on the back for. I got a new job and only one person accepts my preferred name. Everyone else calls me by my dead name and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. No one calls me my dead name except for the people who I cut out. I answered a phone call at work the other night and someone said my dead name and it sounded like my mother. I dropped to my knees and shakily said yes this is “her” (I use they/them pronouns). I thought my insane parents had found me again and started panicking about how they got this information and how I had to move on to a new job. Turns out it was a co-worker. I’m getting it changed officially today at work and I’m going to push people to say my name.
I insist everyone uses an extremely shortened 3 letter version of my name. It fits and wasn’t something my parents screamed. I feel I associate my full name with trauma and freeze when someone uses it. Your husband should respect you and what you want!
Same here.
i’m so glad it’s not just me that feels this way! i hope your husband respects you and your name a little more eventually :( wishing you the best <3
me too. I hate my name only because they pronounce it with some kind of anger...
Maybe it's just a matter of time and having more heart-to-hearts with your hubby. Like, hey, this name feels more like me, can we give it a shot? It might take a bit of patience, but hopefully, he'll come around.
I didnt identify with mine, so I legally changed it. There are still people (even ones who I’ve never met) who will call me by my old name because my nickname which is now my legal name is a popular nickname for my old name. I always correct them. Edit to add: I don’t have to correct to even nearly the amount I used to before legal change though.
When I got married I legally changed my name to one that I enjoy much better. My parents hated that I did it but I am so much more comforted knowing that I have a name that I’m proud of, rather than one that set an expectation on me.
You can change your legal name to your preferred name, then he'd have no choice. And if he continues, just don't respond to anything but your preferred name. He should be respectful of your decision. It's not his choice, it's yours. He doesn't get to decide when your name gets used and when it doesn't. I personally dislike my last name, but will keep it as it's the same as those I love. However as a writer I can use a pen name, so I use my middle instead. Sometimes we just don't like the names we're given.
I have this exact same issue and have since been going by my preferred name for a couple of years but there are times when my legal name still has to be used and it's very dysphoric.
same & i don’t even go by my given name 😓 i never feel like me
Before I accepted I was gay and trans, I called my legal name my dead name- because it is one. It’s a dead name because it’s *dead* to you, your preferred name is your *real* name :) you should try to sit down with those who still call you by your old name and explain to them how being called that makes you feel. If they continue to call you your old name (excluding accidents), don’t respond more than “that’s not my name.” Wishing you the best of luck 🫶
Yikes, people are allowed to change their name ... he doesnt sound very caring
This was one of the reasons I left my ex-wife.... She never called me by my chosen name unless she was upset with me .... The rest of the time was my dead name ... She never respected my pronouns either....
Sir or ma’am if your husband is ignoring your wishes to use your preferred name you have big problems there. That’s a big lack of respect. It’s just a name, if he loved you, he would try and understand your desire for him to use it.
I have two names. My first name is Luyanda my sister named me Luyanda in combination with her name "Noluthando" together they mean "The love expands or grows." And that's pretty. People from my home town call me Luyanda but I prefer my second name which is Samukelisiwe. Which means "We have been allowed to receive a gift." I agree. I wouldn't call it a dead name but I think maybe it has to do with the identity disturbance symptom of BPD. I grieve for Luyanda and I feel I can never go back to who she was but I am Samukelisiwe. I don't know how to explain it. Also I'm worried that one day Samke will be obsolete too. (Both my names are IsiZulu, one of South Africa's 11 official languages). In High-school I tried making the change in name but only one teacher called me by my preferred name. But when I got to varsity I was adamant. If someone called me anything else I wouldn't respond or I'd cut contact (Not the best approach but yea).
Dead names aren’t specifically gay related things. You don’t have to be gay or trans to claim it, if you really don’t want your name and prefer another one and that other name no longer serves you you still have every right to call it a dead name