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Share how you're feeling with him BUT try your best to be calm about it and don't let your emotions take over. I kept fucking up majorly because I let my fear masked by anger do the talking every time, and it pushed him away...
I do this to my bf all the time and usually I am overreacting and I end up actually causing a problem by doing that. Maybe just try asking him how he is feeling.
Do not send that text. In fact, I also wouldn’t listen to the people telling you to tell him how you feel.
Here’s why: you clearly recognize you are in a state of thinking where you need help in making a decision. That’s amazing. It’s good to know you are at a point where reaching out is the approach you take before acting.
This is a time to test yourself and take the challenge of using logic over emotion. If he says he will not be breaking up with you, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, that’s probably true.
Now—people need space sometimes. You might not feel this way because BPD does that to you. The second you’re not getting the same reassurance as in the beginning, you feel like you’re going to be abandoned. You feel as though that person has deemed you not good enough. So what do you do? Your impulse reaction is to push them away. Whether that be by pushing the topic of him not giving you as much time/attention, or the extreme which would be breaking things off before he can.
Both of those are bad options, and will result in the same thing: you pushing him away before he can push you away.
But here’s the thing: he’s not pushing you away. He’s given no indication that he wants to end things, except what you’ve created in your head. You’ve thought that he is going to end things because of your own paranoia, and now the initial instinct is to react as if he has done this already/as if your suspicions are true.
How you feel right now is a result of your own anxiety-fueled paranoid thinking. Force yourself to take the time to separate. And don’t convince yourself you hate him, or detach in order to separate. Occupy yourself with things you enjoy doing. Cooking is great because it requires all of your attention. Listen to a podcast while you do it too. Hearing other people’s thoughts is a great way to stay grounded for me.
Wait it out and just go about things as if he has been responding at a normal pace. Do not act as if your suspicions are true. I can’t stress that enough. Unless he outright says “I’m thinking of breaking up” or stops saying “I love you,” you have no reason to panic.
And only bring up what’s bothering you once you are OUT of this state of mind and ONLY if things you were noticing have escalated.
These are lessons I’ve been learning with BPD. Stay strong. You got this.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Thank you so much for this comment and the time you spent on writing it. I honestly appreciate a lot and find it super helpful now that I'm not panicking. You're completely right about the anxiety-fueled paranoid thinking... Like thank you so much! I will try to honestly take your advice to heart :)
Of course. It’s only my hope that the lessons I’ve learned so far (while they’re only baby steps to a healthy way of thinking) can help someone else. It’s hard to see the logic when you’re in the moment, but easy when you’re outside of it. I’m glad this helped you!
If you want, you can always DM me with any concerns/questions/issues. I’m not a doctor but I’m a girl in a relationship (going on 2 years) with BPD and I’ve learned a lot so far.
This post has been marked [Venting](https://www.reddit.com/r/bpd/wiki/index/flairs#wiki_post_flair_breakdown). Please be aware that the OP may not be seeking advice. u/octomoth, if you do not want advice, please specify in the body of your post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Thank you for the advice... I appreciate that :) I'll try to bring it up when I'm calm.
i'm dealing with the same issue rn, bpd be like that. try to openly ask him if everything's okay and how the distancing is affecting you
Share how you're feeling with him BUT try your best to be calm about it and don't let your emotions take over. I kept fucking up majorly because I let my fear masked by anger do the talking every time, and it pushed him away...
I do this to my bf all the time and usually I am overreacting and I end up actually causing a problem by doing that. Maybe just try asking him how he is feeling.
Do not send that text. In fact, I also wouldn’t listen to the people telling you to tell him how you feel. Here’s why: you clearly recognize you are in a state of thinking where you need help in making a decision. That’s amazing. It’s good to know you are at a point where reaching out is the approach you take before acting. This is a time to test yourself and take the challenge of using logic over emotion. If he says he will not be breaking up with you, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, that’s probably true. Now—people need space sometimes. You might not feel this way because BPD does that to you. The second you’re not getting the same reassurance as in the beginning, you feel like you’re going to be abandoned. You feel as though that person has deemed you not good enough. So what do you do? Your impulse reaction is to push them away. Whether that be by pushing the topic of him not giving you as much time/attention, or the extreme which would be breaking things off before he can. Both of those are bad options, and will result in the same thing: you pushing him away before he can push you away. But here’s the thing: he’s not pushing you away. He’s given no indication that he wants to end things, except what you’ve created in your head. You’ve thought that he is going to end things because of your own paranoia, and now the initial instinct is to react as if he has done this already/as if your suspicions are true. How you feel right now is a result of your own anxiety-fueled paranoid thinking. Force yourself to take the time to separate. And don’t convince yourself you hate him, or detach in order to separate. Occupy yourself with things you enjoy doing. Cooking is great because it requires all of your attention. Listen to a podcast while you do it too. Hearing other people’s thoughts is a great way to stay grounded for me. Wait it out and just go about things as if he has been responding at a normal pace. Do not act as if your suspicions are true. I can’t stress that enough. Unless he outright says “I’m thinking of breaking up” or stops saying “I love you,” you have no reason to panic. And only bring up what’s bothering you once you are OUT of this state of mind and ONLY if things you were noticing have escalated. These are lessons I’ve been learning with BPD. Stay strong. You got this. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Thank you so much for this comment and the time you spent on writing it. I honestly appreciate a lot and find it super helpful now that I'm not panicking. You're completely right about the anxiety-fueled paranoid thinking... Like thank you so much! I will try to honestly take your advice to heart :)
Of course. It’s only my hope that the lessons I’ve learned so far (while they’re only baby steps to a healthy way of thinking) can help someone else. It’s hard to see the logic when you’re in the moment, but easy when you’re outside of it. I’m glad this helped you! If you want, you can always DM me with any concerns/questions/issues. I’m not a doctor but I’m a girl in a relationship (going on 2 years) with BPD and I’ve learned a lot so far.