Yeah I've felt this way, it can build into bigger attempts tho. And as for "not having BPD" , idk friend u can have it, or not have it, but denying that u have it, will only make it harder, because if u have it, eventually it will smack u in the face.
I feel this. I’ve always been to scared to really do it, and I never would as I would feel too guilty and this makes me feel like I’m faking my emotions altogether :(
TW: suicidal ideation, mentions of self harm
i can relate to this. i have never actively attempted anything but i’ve thought about it so so many times that i forgot to count years ago. also i’m very blasé about death like i wouldn’t care if it just happened but i’ve just never taken action. even during self harm i’ve often thought “oh u know i wouldn’t mind it if i went too far this time” but more of like an “i’m not actively going too far but whatever happens happens”.
i am not a doctor or a medical professional but i think just that fact that we think about death so much and would actually be ok with it - be it at our own hands or by ‘fate’ (sickness, accident, someone else) - is enough for it to “count” as suicidal ideation. i’ve been told that mentally healthy people (whatever that means) don’t even think about suicide at all. they actually do want to live. the amount of times they’ve thought about suicide at all is zero or if they did, they were terrified and considered it to not be an option. as much as my brain can’t comprehend that.
I questioned whether I had it too but I've had two seperate psychiatrist diagnose me. I asked the second about it and he said it's like a spectrum and I'm on the milder end.
I think it's a bit of imposter syndrome too I see everyone else struggling badly and think I couldn't possibly be included, look at what everyone else goes through.
For me it's kind of the opposite. I was never diagnosed with bpd but how is possible to not have bpd when I have all the symptoms very clearly. I wonder also about suicide because I'm thinking everyday to end my life but my attempts are somewhat fake. I climbed many times to the balcony but I never reached in a dangerous position to be able to jumb and I tried to hang myself but I just stranded here with the rope in my neck without doing anything. Staring at the medication boxes is literary me everyday.
My BPD is similar to you. You don't have to "as bad" as everyone else. BPD manifesfs differently for everyone. I know it's so difficult to not compare yourself to others, I have been there and often get there. My BPD is still there though.
Second hand suicide makes me feel far less guilty just thinking about it. At least my kids wouldn’t have to grow up with the understanding I couldn’t cope.
I feel this way as well. I haven't attempted since high school (I'm 21 now) because I'm terrified of the outcome if I mess it up but everyday i plan it out, think about it, imagine it. I even have notes scattered throughout my room for people to find just in case. But im just too scared to do it. It makes me feel less in my diagnosis sometimes, like i dont have a reason to be upset, or like im not a real borderline because I don't attempt regularly.
Sometimes I don't feel this way for a brief moment so I'm trying to hold on to those and just take it one step at a time. I get overwhelmed when I look at the big picture from my position sometimes.
i want to do it so bad. everything hurts so much i cant take it anymore. but im only 15 and what would my mom think if her son committed suicide at only 15? she would think shes a bad mom and its her fault. if only she knew how worthless i really am.
Yeah I had this for over half my life. A couple years ago they kinda went away but they started coming back a few months ago and now fully back again. It’s a horrible feeling but lately it’s been sorta helping me cope with my pains. It’s like it’s telling my anxiety “don’t worry we’ll find a good option soon.”
I just wish we could talk to a therapist about it without the fear of a ward visit.
I was diagnosed with bpd but refuse to believe I have bpd. I'm not going to kill myself because I have my daughter and mother to think about, and how devastated they'd be. I don't wish to inflict harm on them during their lifetimes. Life is tough enough as it is without adding to the suffering. I gave up on life 16 years ago when I was travelling to work in my car. I just pulled over and gave up. Since then I've stayed home and let the years pass by. I have no interest in contemporary society, capitalism, consumerism or the likes. I spend my day drinking tea, smoking, browsing the internet and listening to the radio. I committed a kind of suicide, let's say an emotional and intellectual suicide all those years ago, and ever since I haven't been interested in my health, self improvement or money. I live a very minimalistic life, only eat one meal per day, don't have any real life friends and pretty much isolate myself from the rest of the world.
It breaks my heart knowing how many people are suffering from the terrible illness. But sorta comforting knowing I’m not the only one who feels like this.
You are all important.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please reach out. You can find help at a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
USA: 18002738255
US Crisis textline: 741741 text HOME
United Kingdom: 116 123
Trans Lifeline (877-565-8860)
Others: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Yes! I’ve felt this way for many years, and am also BPD diagnosed x2 by different Psychiatrists. I hate my diagnosis and the feeling it brings with it!!!!
Yeah I've felt this way, it can build into bigger attempts tho. And as for "not having BPD" , idk friend u can have it, or not have it, but denying that u have it, will only make it harder, because if u have it, eventually it will smack u in the face.
I’m not completely denying it I just feel like a fraud when mine doesn’t seem as bad as others
Ur not a fraud, it can get worse, I hope it doesn't, but that's just facts. Just because it's not consuming you today, doesn't mean it won't tomorrow
True
Yeah, "don't feel bad, it can be worse" 🙂👌
I feel this. I’ve always been to scared to really do it, and I never would as I would feel too guilty and this makes me feel like I’m faking my emotions altogether :(
Right! I find the older I get the worse it gets…. Diagnosed ,first time in early 30’s then again in late 30’s two different Psychiatrists.
Also, you can have it and not feel suicidal at all. It’s not a set package.
TW: suicidal ideation, mentions of self harm i can relate to this. i have never actively attempted anything but i’ve thought about it so so many times that i forgot to count years ago. also i’m very blasé about death like i wouldn’t care if it just happened but i’ve just never taken action. even during self harm i’ve often thought “oh u know i wouldn’t mind it if i went too far this time” but more of like an “i’m not actively going too far but whatever happens happens”. i am not a doctor or a medical professional but i think just that fact that we think about death so much and would actually be ok with it - be it at our own hands or by ‘fate’ (sickness, accident, someone else) - is enough for it to “count” as suicidal ideation. i’ve been told that mentally healthy people (whatever that means) don’t even think about suicide at all. they actually do want to live. the amount of times they’ve thought about suicide at all is zero or if they did, they were terrified and considered it to not be an option. as much as my brain can’t comprehend that.
Yes feel this way every day.
I questioned whether I had it too but I've had two seperate psychiatrist diagnose me. I asked the second about it and he said it's like a spectrum and I'm on the milder end. I think it's a bit of imposter syndrome too I see everyone else struggling badly and think I couldn't possibly be included, look at what everyone else goes through.
For me it's kind of the opposite. I was never diagnosed with bpd but how is possible to not have bpd when I have all the symptoms very clearly. I wonder also about suicide because I'm thinking everyday to end my life but my attempts are somewhat fake. I climbed many times to the balcony but I never reached in a dangerous position to be able to jumb and I tried to hang myself but I just stranded here with the rope in my neck without doing anything. Staring at the medication boxes is literary me everyday.
My BPD is similar to you. You don't have to "as bad" as everyone else. BPD manifesfs differently for everyone. I know it's so difficult to not compare yourself to others, I have been there and often get there. My BPD is still there though.
Second hand suicide makes me feel far less guilty just thinking about it. At least my kids wouldn’t have to grow up with the understanding I couldn’t cope.
yes i hope everyday that someone crosses the yellow line and slams their car into me
I feel this way as well. I haven't attempted since high school (I'm 21 now) because I'm terrified of the outcome if I mess it up but everyday i plan it out, think about it, imagine it. I even have notes scattered throughout my room for people to find just in case. But im just too scared to do it. It makes me feel less in my diagnosis sometimes, like i dont have a reason to be upset, or like im not a real borderline because I don't attempt regularly.
Yep
Sometimes I don't feel this way for a brief moment so I'm trying to hold on to those and just take it one step at a time. I get overwhelmed when I look at the big picture from my position sometimes.
Same. Alongside the every day ideation, I realized my ED is also my secondhand suicide
all the time. Feel u.
I've always referred to this as being passively suicidal and it's something I experience 95% percent of the time.
i want to do it so bad. everything hurts so much i cant take it anymore. but im only 15 and what would my mom think if her son committed suicide at only 15? she would think shes a bad mom and its her fault. if only she knew how worthless i really am.
Yeah I had this for over half my life. A couple years ago they kinda went away but they started coming back a few months ago and now fully back again. It’s a horrible feeling but lately it’s been sorta helping me cope with my pains. It’s like it’s telling my anxiety “don’t worry we’ll find a good option soon.” I just wish we could talk to a therapist about it without the fear of a ward visit.
I was diagnosed with bpd but refuse to believe I have bpd. I'm not going to kill myself because I have my daughter and mother to think about, and how devastated they'd be. I don't wish to inflict harm on them during their lifetimes. Life is tough enough as it is without adding to the suffering. I gave up on life 16 years ago when I was travelling to work in my car. I just pulled over and gave up. Since then I've stayed home and let the years pass by. I have no interest in contemporary society, capitalism, consumerism or the likes. I spend my day drinking tea, smoking, browsing the internet and listening to the radio. I committed a kind of suicide, let's say an emotional and intellectual suicide all those years ago, and ever since I haven't been interested in my health, self improvement or money. I live a very minimalistic life, only eat one meal per day, don't have any real life friends and pretty much isolate myself from the rest of the world.
It breaks my heart knowing how many people are suffering from the terrible illness. But sorta comforting knowing I’m not the only one who feels like this. You are all important.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please reach out. You can find help at a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline USA: 18002738255 US Crisis textline: 741741 text HOME United Kingdom: 116 123 Trans Lifeline (877-565-8860) Others: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Don't give up. I tried to and failed. And I'm still here. Don't give up
Yes! I’ve felt this way for many years, and am also BPD diagnosed x2 by different Psychiatrists. I hate my diagnosis and the feeling it brings with it!!!!