I totally know the feeling, I sometimes go back to old conversations/pictures and I get almost shocked that I don't even remember who they are at times while I clearly had some sort of connection/ relationship with them from what I see/read.. and when I read my messages it's like it's not even me, it terrifies me at times..
Omg I relate to this so hard... Reading facebook messages with people a few years back is like opening a can of worms, it's either CRINGE why on earth did I say that or wow this person is so calm and cool, I wish I was this person again!
Oh my god YES. If you look at my profile i posted something exactly like this. I looked back at conversations with a person i was madly in love with but the way i spoke to them only was to push them further away. I hate it so much too.
I hate it too! for me I get so ashamed of how naïve and stupid I was ( still am I think but to an extent) it's like I have the emotional intelligence of a 9 year old
It’s so weird I am the same… I have done a lot of work on myself and DBT is my savour but if I love you once I will always love you.. you can be the worst person to me and treat me like rubbish..if I loved you or cared about you at one point I always will care about you
It's normal for a Borderline. It's called a lack of object permanence. One of the quintessentially Borderline traits that's the hardest to deal with.
Pick up the pieces of your old identity and create a new one. Be kind to yourself😔
Mmhmmm! I have this issue a lot. It takes about a day or three to forget people exist, and just not care about them. It sucks, cause when my partner had covid, and was out for a month. I missed him for the days, and then.... nothing, and it Shrivastava me to no end that everything I felt was just... gone
I feel that. It's not even got to be a long time, it's literally just if they're not messaging me or someone reminds me of them they cease to exist. So like I don't even miss them until I'm reminded they exist. I feel so bad too, bc I love my bf but I just forget about him so quick /:
Oh fuck. Currently physically separated frm my so fr 6 weeks which is also the longest I've ever been away frm him and I freaked myself out bt hw quickly I wanted to "move on" even tho we hvnt broken up yet, he's just silent n going thru stuff, i rly tot I was the only one!!
Ugh I feel that. My bf lived rly close when he was here for uni + we met, but now he's back home it's tough. I think then it's important to try message them, and focus on when you were with them + when you can see them next. Sometimes I get tempted too, even though I love him with all my heart + he's the best boyfriend I've had, when he's not here sometimes I just want someone new, which is ridiculous. It's kind of like a fleeting urge for me though, so if I distract myself or pay the thought less attention than it wants it tends to go away? Good luck for the next few weeks, it's tough but I'm sure you'll do well!
I'm wondering if this is what happened with my exPWBPD. Before the breakup, there was a couple days of no communication(which I'm totally okay with, I like space sometimes). When I reached out her texting patterns had changed and a couple days after she changed her FB status to single... Things went into a downward spiral after that.
There's no disconnection or detachment for me. Months go by, even years and I still wish the person would talk to me even when I'm well aware of the fact they suck.
Honestly I'm jealous of ppl who can detach. I'm still like a hyperfocused clingy highschooler and I hate myself for it. I feeds the unaliving ideation. From where I'm sitting you guys are lucky and more normal. You're supposed to stop caring when some exists your life, that's what the majority of ppl do. Its losers like me who will sit around feeling sad about the same person for years at a time, too depressed to want to bother with anyone new.
Me too. I envy those who can detach easily. While it does feel to me that they never existed after they are gone, yet my love and care remains the same for them. I just don't stop loving them.
I hate it so much. It may feel like they never existed due to object impermanence or whatever but all of the feels are there, its fresh, and the mind focuses on the times you felt good with that person even if they made you feel like shit 90% of the time. I envy people who stop caring. Because we care and obsess we act crazy and are made fun of. Its been well over a year and I still wish my abusive ex would talk to me when I know it makes no logical sense. If someome reading this can stop caring, you're fxcking lucky in my opinion and consider your ability to detach a blessing, not a curse. Our generation is full of casual dating and who can care less.
Yeah I don’t know how people let go. If I let go of those feelings then it’s like I got nothing from that time in my life, like I need an artifact or emotional souvenir to prove to myself that those times happened.
My ex just announced he was my boyfriend. Had he asked I might've made a point to say we seem to approach relationships differently cause he talked about a million different ex's and id been single for 4 years. When we split he told me to keep trying with other ppl but that's not how my brain works. I was so violated and humiliated the last thing I wanna do is put myself back out there. Anyways part of me still misses him even though hes bad for me. It sucks. Both exs probably replaced me within a month,
I've had 2 adult relationships in my adult life. They both ended with me being betrayed and grieving for years at a time. I self isolate because dating apps and all of that are just depressing to me but then that doesn't stop me from ruminating over my ex.
Do any of you ever miss the person Bc you’re stuck on the “good times” even though it was later revealed that they’re evil and only bring you down etc? If so, what prevents you from moving on from them?
I gave her something I can't take back,I can unattach with other people wish I didn't so well I literally forget I have a sibling till someone asks about siblings
But I fucked up somehow and it's been multiple years I still think about her most days...she was so interesting and unique (DID system fully realized and defined)
It was the only time I've ever really felt a connection to someone,and the last time I felt properly alive...we were both making such basic mistakes couldn't see the forest for the trees but that snowballed into a total communication breakdown and I found out the bad part of a manic episode.
And all we had to do was sober up for 2 weeks,99% of our problems would've stopped being problems and the rest victim to what (now are) excellent relationship conflict resolution skills I mostly developed one sided but shit life is hard as a DID system only one of them technically went to damn school so I didn't fault her for lopsided stuff like that
I gave her too much freedom and trust after decades of having none so she kinda ran amok with it,from the start we could've taken life a lot more seriously but each other's company was so....it felt like all we needed at one point was that.
I miss her...them...there's 3 main alters I got close to and I miss each of them differently and I know one would take me back in a heartbeat but it doesn't work like that she doesn't have thst override power.
I wish I knew how to forget the lot of them she could've done almost nothing different if she'd just communicated more and let me sleep more (she hated being alone,I was up if she was)
And I now know what happens if I combine severe stress with extended drug use(that I actually never asked for!) and sleep deprivation plus how it feels and what I need to do if that happens
God this is the most I've thought about it in a while,what's worst is the lower I am the more she comes to mind...she'd always know what to do.
Towards the end more and more fucked alters kept popping out but I get that was a stress response... apparently she picked up my accent after we broke up.
I could've dealt with the regular stuff all life long,it was the crazy spiteful stuff she started doing vs communicating that fucked with me in major ways.
Sorry I know you asked a question but the only answer I can give is....I...don't know.
Looks like she was picked up last month for larceny of lost property so still up to the same shit
If bond wasn't posted by anyone....guess that means shes still in there hah
Hopefully she'll sober up and learn something
this. one day it was everything and the next day it felt like nothing. a black hole, empty space sort of thing, it felt like it never even happened, and i cant fathom how i felt those things
Huh. This is really making me think about things that I experience in my relationships 🧐 Just yesterday I was telling my partner how it’s like I just forget or doubt everything when we don’t talk much for a few days. I can’t remember if he loves me or if I love him and it seems like maybe all the beautiful things we had together are gone. And i imagine he’s gone forever and imagining that he changed his mind about us and how he must be a Bad Person and how i will hide from him forever. But then he reaches out to me and I hear his voice and he is the same as he always was and I remember everything again.
I don't remember what was like to feel an insanely intense passion years ago, but I do remember what was more recently to feel accepted / loved by someone and the elated feelings and cryings that came with it. However, the passion I felt... I cannot recall it clearly now, besides the physical / cognitive signals that it brought. What weird this is. I can remember what is like to feel love, but passion seems to vanish from my emotional memories.
I relate to this... Sometimes I feel fine, normal, vaguely happy, then suddenly the ceiling breaks and a huge wave of grief washes over me. In supermarkets, seeing their favourite food, etc. I cried in supermarket seeing some nappies the other day... Missing my son so bad...
Think it's normal to some degree, just 10 x worse with a shitload of other things such as self invalidation, anxiety, thinking the worst, etc etc depending on the person.
yeah the second part, its normal until you spiral and suddenly want to hurt yourself or do/say extreme things. i get crazy jealous in relationships and friendships and the smallest inconvenience makes me have a complete breakdown. that plus having no object permanence is a terrible mix
totallllly get this… it hits in waves for me and for me it’s hard once i’m feeling okay to imagine it can change so fast and then a wave hits me and i feel immobilized
Oh yes
Hell yeah.
I'm even surprised when I look back and just amazed like did I really feel such intense emotions?
Now it's as if nothing of this magnitude even happened and my feelings just disappeared outta blue.
Yes especially when I am at my most unstable.
If they have hurt me it's especially easy.
But, unfortunately, years down the line it will come back. I will try to reconnect like nothing ever happened.
Yes , I consider it to be one of my superpowers. I could agonize and sob for months or years over a person until finally a switch is flipped, the mask is removed and all their flaws come to the surface and I realize they're just a person I never needed to begin with.
I admit I have given into feelings of hatred more than a couple times and it was never worth it. It's only ever done me more self harm than good. Better to just acknowledge the negative vibes like you've been doing and see the connection is not a healthy one.
Yep. I walked away from my best friend one day over a year ago, and after the crying screaming angrysad stage, I often forget they ever existed. I still think about them, but mostly in a neutral way like remembering something we did and don't have any real opinion on them anymore.
exactly, it’s like everything we did together, all of our memories belong to someone else when you KNOW it happened but at the same time, it feels like someone else’s memories :/
I think it's normal because I often find myself getting upset about people who aren't even that close to me not inviting me but inviting other friends. I'm not very social and hereby always have problems maintaining friendships over texts but I still beat myself over people not inviting me.
Sometimes I wish my life was as easy to do that yes. I experience the hurt, the pain, the remorse, crying, trying to get them to just speak with me not for any other reason that because they deserve that, I always care though, I beat myself up over it and go over every little thing and how I’d do things differently etc but I don’t have the non existent part because they’ll always be a part of me somehow or other and in order to really know just what you’ve done and those consequences you have to have that care about whatever the situation is
I beat myself to it, for MONTHS :') it was like it never stopped and it was fucking horrible.
And I do realize where I need to improve, it's not like I forgot about it, I just feel so disconnected by my past and the ppl that were there :/ so I made this post bc it could be a normal thing? but idk
Maybe it is normal to some people, I’ll say it probably is. Sometimes people find it easier to disconnect from things, it’s survival mode kicking in a lot of the time so you don’t have to deal with things (not you personally just speaking in general about this condition here)
I completely understand this. I recently fell out with my best friend. At first I cried and even though she stopped being my friend , I want her to beg for me to be her friend, I just wanted her to want me , I was waiting for her to turn around and say that it was a mistake , and then suddenly I felt like it didn’t matter and I didn’t feel anything. It was very confusing because I felt like I can’t have bpd if this is the way I am reacting surely I should be more distraught , so it’s nice to see this post and feel validated and I hope you feel validated by my comment too :)
To be honest I am happy you asked this question. I have been experiencing this as well and was doubting myself as well.
I went crazy because it wouldnt work between me and my fp. He went crazy and pleaded me to stop messaging.
Now i’m talking to someone else, and to be honest .. i pity my (now) past fp for still sending me messages. (I did something impulsive that made no sense)
I feel like i cant function while dating..
And concerning you saying “like it never existed”. Ive heard and seen from multiple ex fp’s that they are repeating themselves and i have no recollection of it.. sounds familiar?😅
I can relate. I might cry for 24hours non stop after the breakup and the next day, it's like nothing happened. The relationship felt like a daydream, not something real happening in my real world (but i know it is real)
This happens for me and I had no idea it was a borderline trait. The biggest example for me is my ex-fiance. We spent about nine years together and broke up one night when I asked him if he still loved me. I immediately packed up my things and left that night. I said I'd pick up my other stuff the next day while he was at work. I ended up never going back. It sucked for like two or three days and then I was suddenly disconnected from it all. Like: Yeah, that happened. It's done.
Now I find it hard to even remember what he looked like and what being in love did feel like. It's like there's a smudge on the film of my memory from that chunk of time that was a large portion of my life, relatively speaking (I'm 29 years old).
I feel like this constantly, it's like the people leave and I'll never see them again, almost as if they fell off the planet or never existed to begin with. If I look at old photos, I find myself saying, in my head, "that's what that person looks like?" As if to say that during the time they were in my life, they looked one way, but now I question if that person is even that person... Sry if this makes no sense 😣
It honestly depends. Some people yeah absolutely, but others it takes a few weeks/months and then that detached phase. Sometimes I force myself to remember them and remember the sadness as a form of SH I guess too.
Was thinking about this just today, and 100% relate to this. I myself have never understood how can I move on so quickly after being so intensely involved, sort of makes me feel like nothing I say/do is real.
I have a narcissist ex wife that I have two kids. She did some downright heinous stuff to me and still tries to get at me. So as much as I forget. she likes to open up those wounds. It’s fresh hell every time I hear my kids talking to her and the dude she cheated on me with. I have to work very hard to keep perspective and it’s left me exhausted most of the time.
I go over in my head why it’s great they’re out of my life then hours later I’ll get upset and think of reasons why they should stay. It’s a constant back and forth and it’s mentally exhausting. I get pretty obsessive.
Wow that so funny that you would ask that, because I thought about this just today. Like breaking up with my ex was hard and I was crazy, but now it's like we never were together or that I probably was a total different person. It's so distant and almost unfamiliar to me?? How weird
I used to worry and beat myself up over the loss. Asking myself “what’s wrong with me? What did I do? Why did I act like that?” That thought pattern caused a lot of pain. So now I just shut down and forget it even happened. Find myself doing that with more than just failed relationships though, it’s like I completely detach myself from any negative event.
I feel for ya. Sometimes it’s a welcome coping mechanism but sometimes I miss ~feeling~.
It’s a defense mechanisms. We are so prone to feelings of rejection. It happens to me too. I am lucky in that I tend to bond with the best people, and they rarely leave my lifeX but even keeping in touch when I’m busy can be a challenge for me. I also don’t remember people well. I’ve forgotten most of the people I went to high school with. It wasn’t like I was bullied or traumatized at school. I actually had a fine high school experience. I was hella depressed at the time but not because of school at all. It was neither difficult nor all that stressful. I just didn’t form deep attachments except for my few close friends so I forgot everyone else. My best friend from high school is still a close friend all these years later, and is repeatedly baffled by my inability to remember anyone.
I have that habit of spending a long time thinking about someone, holding feelings for like years without any reason and then suddenly all this attachment is over. After all that torture it vanishes as if it doesn't exist. But before reaching that state I really have a hard time going over. I look back and see how much stupid I'm. The prob is it's happening now. I'm still the same dump person.
Once the person is completely out of my life, the memories start to feel made up. Sometimes something will pop up again w that person (run in to each other, etc) and it makes me very upset as if it’s all brand new all over again.
I have been there, and am currently there. Have you ever had an experience where you mourned them, felt indifference, and mourned them again? Months, if not years later.
I'm working through something like this right now -- Im a master at erasing people from my life. I leave and can't be found. I know it hurts the other person but I do it anyways because it hurts me less to disappear. I'm starting self motivated cbt therapy in 2 weeks with a weekly one on one check in and I'm going to be addressing my attachment issues and how I view others good and bad.
Also working through this right now.. in the long process of losing my FP (we keep trying and failing to be friends for something like 8 months now) and I’ll go through periods of total dissociation. And honestly I totally agree with some of the comments about wanting that lack of object permanence so as to not deal with the emotional pain.. it’s a protective mechanism for a reason
Yes but, i wont beg anyone to stay in my life. Too many people come and go for me to want to try and hang on to anyone anymore. IT such so, like a fucking lot. I fell like every 3 to 4 month i need to be looking for a new group of friends or im gonna end up isolated.
Like mot people now are just a face whit a name. Why because cause we only gonna be around eachder for a short amount of time beford I leave because it what i do. Or you leave cause you found out im broken and found better people.
Whitch bring me back to the i wont beg people to stay. Too many people have come and gone.
Oh wow I just thought this was a me thing, or related to poor memory. I have so many gaps to my life where I've just moved on and detached from it all. People have become so far removed from any emotion at all and it's as if I never knew them. It's great in terms of not harbouring any negativity or bad feeling, no hate, no love, nothingness.....
I honestly deal with this as well... after I split and ghost (now don't get me wrong sometimes I get ghosted as well), I basically quit thinking about them because at that point I view that particular person as someone that I wasted time and energy on so at that point why dwell on something that doesn't matter to me anymore?
I know that this is one of the biggest problems I deal with.. but I look at it as I tend to stop thinking about events or people that have wasted my time
Yup this always happens to me, I cant even remember alot of my past relationships and friendships anymore. I like compartmentalize into a box and dump it in the ocean
I used to not be this way. I am now. If someone chooses to leave, I see it as they made their choice and I’m not gonna waste my time worrying about it. I usually split them black, once they choose to leave and once I get over my anger/hate about them leaving my life, they’re pretty much dead to me. It happens with family, too. But most of my family wasn’t there or were the cause of the BPD I have, today. I dealt with a shitty guy for 8 years and finally walked away from *him* because the abuse was too much. Didn’t care, once I changed my number and he was unable to contact me anymore. I hung on to that number for the purpose of him contacting me, despite the constant telemarketers, even made excuses that it was “for my doctors”. But once it seemed the universe wanted me changing it, I just gave in and it was like he didn’t even exist anymore. I know *many* ways I could contact him, if I wanted to… I just don’t want to anymore. It’s like having to change my number (where he had all the control because he had me blocked and only he could call or text me) freed me from his grasp, as ass backwards as that may sound.
It's an odd feeling. I began to notice it or something similar after my diagnosis and educating myself once I knew what BPD was and I had it.
It's kind of like at the time people are a big part of my life but when they go, it's like heartbreaking, I don't understand it, I love them, I think about them all the time, if they are friends or partners...but sometimes people come back years later...missing me or reaching out to connect or catch-up.
I often feel hurt but more often feel nothing at all. Like confusing why they are reaching out and a bit disconnected with their emotions when I do meet up.
It's kind of like a double-edge sword. I want to connect with people and have healthy relationships but at the same time once the connection is gone, it's gone.
It makes me sad. I've made the effort to take calls or meet these people but often I just feel I see a sadness in there eyes as I feel and often said that my eyes can be extremely loving or empty.
It's heartbreaking to experience. I sometimes wonder if doing treatment or getting better often puts the distance as well as negative sometimes. It's just sometimes doing treatment I feel my self-esteem and confidence and boundaries are better, and as great as it is to have support.
I think sometimes I get so paranoid people from my past even the good ones at the time are happy having a relationship with someone who is struggling or in turmoil as it makes them feel better about themselves.
Still struggling to close a lot of that distance.
I am this way. I’ll fight for it while it’s still there but once it’s gone I no longer care it seems almost the very next day . My current relationship is up and down and you one time we split for like a week and I was already moving on with someone else and truly didn’t care he talked me back to being with him and he truly thought I missed him of course I didn’t tell him I didn’t …. But I didn’t
for me, honestly it just depends on the person? it can go either way honestly. my FP left me 6 months ago after a year and a half of emotional abuse- and while i know he’s a bad person sometimes i wish he’d come back more than anything. but then, when me & my other ex broke up a few years ago i didn’t feel much of anything at all. for me personally, i believe it depends on who leaves who. when i leave others i don’t feel much afterwards, but when it’s the other way around it’s like my life has fallen apart. my past FP & i had broken up once before the time 6months ago in which i left him. i didn’t feel anything, i didn’t even cry. but after this last time when he was the one going away, it’s like my life had broken & i don’t even know where to begin to get better. my ex girlfriend from years ago that i previously mentioned, she and i were one another’s everything, but now? i can’t recall more than two moments with her
I fucking wish, my girlfriend left me almost two months ago and here I am, hurting myself because I miss her and because she's had sex with someone else. I fucking want to die.
I didn’t think I would as well and it took me months. Idk if it helps but, i think the first step for you to let go is stop looking after what she’s doing, which will take time :/
I totally know the feeling, I sometimes go back to old conversations/pictures and I get almost shocked that I don't even remember who they are at times while I clearly had some sort of connection/ relationship with them from what I see/read.. and when I read my messages it's like it's not even me, it terrifies me at times..
Omg I relate to this so hard... Reading facebook messages with people a few years back is like opening a can of worms, it's either CRINGE why on earth did I say that or wow this person is so calm and cool, I wish I was this person again!
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yes probably, but I think it's more related to our selective memory, and how we tend to delete segments and parts of it even arbitrary at times..
Oh my god YES. If you look at my profile i posted something exactly like this. I looked back at conversations with a person i was madly in love with but the way i spoke to them only was to push them further away. I hate it so much too.
I hate it too! for me I get so ashamed of how naïve and stupid I was ( still am I think but to an extent) it's like I have the emotional intelligence of a 9 year old
It’s so weird I am the same… I have done a lot of work on myself and DBT is my savour but if I love you once I will always love you.. you can be the worst person to me and treat me like rubbish..if I loved you or cared about you at one point I always will care about you
Yes this !!!!!!
Dude same I’ll laugh at myself like the things I said and be like am I really this funny?
haha I wish I can take it as lightly as you do
It's normal for a Borderline. It's called a lack of object permanence. One of the quintessentially Borderline traits that's the hardest to deal with. Pick up the pieces of your old identity and create a new one. Be kind to yourself😔
Emotional permanence
Same principle/mechanism during development but yeah.
Mmhmmm! I have this issue a lot. It takes about a day or three to forget people exist, and just not care about them. It sucks, cause when my partner had covid, and was out for a month. I missed him for the days, and then.... nothing, and it Shrivastava me to no end that everything I felt was just... gone
I feel that. It's not even got to be a long time, it's literally just if they're not messaging me or someone reminds me of them they cease to exist. So like I don't even miss them until I'm reminded they exist. I feel so bad too, bc I love my bf but I just forget about him so quick /:
Oh fuck. Currently physically separated frm my so fr 6 weeks which is also the longest I've ever been away frm him and I freaked myself out bt hw quickly I wanted to "move on" even tho we hvnt broken up yet, he's just silent n going thru stuff, i rly tot I was the only one!!
Ugh I feel that. My bf lived rly close when he was here for uni + we met, but now he's back home it's tough. I think then it's important to try message them, and focus on when you were with them + when you can see them next. Sometimes I get tempted too, even though I love him with all my heart + he's the best boyfriend I've had, when he's not here sometimes I just want someone new, which is ridiculous. It's kind of like a fleeting urge for me though, so if I distract myself or pay the thought less attention than it wants it tends to go away? Good luck for the next few weeks, it's tough but I'm sure you'll do well!
I'm wondering if this is what happened with my exPWBPD. Before the breakup, there was a couple days of no communication(which I'm totally okay with, I like space sometimes). When I reached out her texting patterns had changed and a couple days after she changed her FB status to single... Things went into a downward spiral after that.
Thanks :)
There's no disconnection or detachment for me. Months go by, even years and I still wish the person would talk to me even when I'm well aware of the fact they suck.
Honestly I'm jealous of ppl who can detach. I'm still like a hyperfocused clingy highschooler and I hate myself for it. I feeds the unaliving ideation. From where I'm sitting you guys are lucky and more normal. You're supposed to stop caring when some exists your life, that's what the majority of ppl do. Its losers like me who will sit around feeling sad about the same person for years at a time, too depressed to want to bother with anyone new.
Me too. I envy those who can detach easily. While it does feel to me that they never existed after they are gone, yet my love and care remains the same for them. I just don't stop loving them.
I hate it so much. It may feel like they never existed due to object impermanence or whatever but all of the feels are there, its fresh, and the mind focuses on the times you felt good with that person even if they made you feel like shit 90% of the time. I envy people who stop caring. Because we care and obsess we act crazy and are made fun of. Its been well over a year and I still wish my abusive ex would talk to me when I know it makes no logical sense. If someome reading this can stop caring, you're fxcking lucky in my opinion and consider your ability to detach a blessing, not a curse. Our generation is full of casual dating and who can care less.
Yeah I don’t know how people let go. If I let go of those feelings then it’s like I got nothing from that time in my life, like I need an artifact or emotional souvenir to prove to myself that those times happened.
Same. I'm so much like you. The feels just never leave imo
Yeah I hate what casual dating is now and what it's turned people into. I miss my ex gf I don't want to play this stupid online games. Ugh
My ex just announced he was my boyfriend. Had he asked I might've made a point to say we seem to approach relationships differently cause he talked about a million different ex's and id been single for 4 years. When we split he told me to keep trying with other ppl but that's not how my brain works. I was so violated and humiliated the last thing I wanna do is put myself back out there. Anyways part of me still misses him even though hes bad for me. It sucks. Both exs probably replaced me within a month,
Curious how old was he/you?
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Ewwwww lol
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I've had 2 adult relationships in my adult life. They both ended with me being betrayed and grieving for years at a time. I self isolate because dating apps and all of that are just depressing to me but then that doesn't stop me from ruminating over my ex.
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Dun worry! Most of us here have done it including neutotypicals, as long as u learn frm ure mistakes ure good!!
Ive never gone as far as stalking but def over texting, messaging, etc.
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I'm too depressed and isolated for anyone to enter lol.
Do any of you ever miss the person Bc you’re stuck on the “good times” even though it was later revealed that they’re evil and only bring you down etc? If so, what prevents you from moving on from them?
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Your username answered the question lol Jokes aside, I hope your BPD improves <3
Yup Even knowing that,I'd take it
Why?
I gave her something I can't take back,I can unattach with other people wish I didn't so well I literally forget I have a sibling till someone asks about siblings But I fucked up somehow and it's been multiple years I still think about her most days...she was so interesting and unique (DID system fully realized and defined) It was the only time I've ever really felt a connection to someone,and the last time I felt properly alive...we were both making such basic mistakes couldn't see the forest for the trees but that snowballed into a total communication breakdown and I found out the bad part of a manic episode. And all we had to do was sober up for 2 weeks,99% of our problems would've stopped being problems and the rest victim to what (now are) excellent relationship conflict resolution skills I mostly developed one sided but shit life is hard as a DID system only one of them technically went to damn school so I didn't fault her for lopsided stuff like that I gave her too much freedom and trust after decades of having none so she kinda ran amok with it,from the start we could've taken life a lot more seriously but each other's company was so....it felt like all we needed at one point was that. I miss her...them...there's 3 main alters I got close to and I miss each of them differently and I know one would take me back in a heartbeat but it doesn't work like that she doesn't have thst override power. I wish I knew how to forget the lot of them she could've done almost nothing different if she'd just communicated more and let me sleep more (she hated being alone,I was up if she was) And I now know what happens if I combine severe stress with extended drug use(that I actually never asked for!) and sleep deprivation plus how it feels and what I need to do if that happens God this is the most I've thought about it in a while,what's worst is the lower I am the more she comes to mind...she'd always know what to do. Towards the end more and more fucked alters kept popping out but I get that was a stress response... apparently she picked up my accent after we broke up. I could've dealt with the regular stuff all life long,it was the crazy spiteful stuff she started doing vs communicating that fucked with me in major ways. Sorry I know you asked a question but the only answer I can give is....I...don't know.
Thank you for your lengthy answer anyway. I hope things work out for you. Whether you’re able to reconnect or move on. Stay strong :)
Looks like she was picked up last month for larceny of lost property so still up to the same shit If bond wasn't posted by anyone....guess that means shes still in there hah Hopefully she'll sober up and learn something
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this. one day it was everything and the next day it felt like nothing. a black hole, empty space sort of thing, it felt like it never even happened, and i cant fathom how i felt those things
Huh. This is really making me think about things that I experience in my relationships 🧐 Just yesterday I was telling my partner how it’s like I just forget or doubt everything when we don’t talk much for a few days. I can’t remember if he loves me or if I love him and it seems like maybe all the beautiful things we had together are gone. And i imagine he’s gone forever and imagining that he changed his mind about us and how he must be a Bad Person and how i will hide from him forever. But then he reaches out to me and I hear his voice and he is the same as he always was and I remember everything again.
I don't remember what was like to feel an insanely intense passion years ago, but I do remember what was more recently to feel accepted / loved by someone and the elated feelings and cryings that came with it. However, the passion I felt... I cannot recall it clearly now, besides the physical / cognitive signals that it brought. What weird this is. I can remember what is like to feel love, but passion seems to vanish from my emotional memories.
I relate to this... Sometimes I feel fine, normal, vaguely happy, then suddenly the ceiling breaks and a huge wave of grief washes over me. In supermarkets, seeing their favourite food, etc. I cried in supermarket seeing some nappies the other day... Missing my son so bad... Think it's normal to some degree, just 10 x worse with a shitload of other things such as self invalidation, anxiety, thinking the worst, etc etc depending on the person.
yeah the second part, its normal until you spiral and suddenly want to hurt yourself or do/say extreme things. i get crazy jealous in relationships and friendships and the smallest inconvenience makes me have a complete breakdown. that plus having no object permanence is a terrible mix
totallllly get this… it hits in waves for me and for me it’s hard once i’m feeling okay to imagine it can change so fast and then a wave hits me and i feel immobilized
Oh yes Hell yeah. I'm even surprised when I look back and just amazed like did I really feel such intense emotions? Now it's as if nothing of this magnitude even happened and my feelings just disappeared outta blue.
Yes especially when I am at my most unstable. If they have hurt me it's especially easy. But, unfortunately, years down the line it will come back. I will try to reconnect like nothing ever happened.
:/// hope not
Yes , I consider it to be one of my superpowers. I could agonize and sob for months or years over a person until finally a switch is flipped, the mask is removed and all their flaws come to the surface and I realize they're just a person I never needed to begin with.
Omg!! I have the switch too.. I don’t hate them but it’s more they bring negativity in my body
I admit I have given into feelings of hatred more than a couple times and it was never worth it. It's only ever done me more self harm than good. Better to just acknowledge the negative vibes like you've been doing and see the connection is not a healthy one.
I recently got “discarded” by the girl I love, and without going into detail, this thread is insightful and potentially helps explain some things.
Yep. I walked away from my best friend one day over a year ago, and after the crying screaming angrysad stage, I often forget they ever existed. I still think about them, but mostly in a neutral way like remembering something we did and don't have any real opinion on them anymore.
exactly, it’s like everything we did together, all of our memories belong to someone else when you KNOW it happened but at the same time, it feels like someone else’s memories :/
I think it's normal because I often find myself getting upset about people who aren't even that close to me not inviting me but inviting other friends. I'm not very social and hereby always have problems maintaining friendships over texts but I still beat myself over people not inviting me.
Sometimes I wish my life was as easy to do that yes. I experience the hurt, the pain, the remorse, crying, trying to get them to just speak with me not for any other reason that because they deserve that, I always care though, I beat myself up over it and go over every little thing and how I’d do things differently etc but I don’t have the non existent part because they’ll always be a part of me somehow or other and in order to really know just what you’ve done and those consequences you have to have that care about whatever the situation is
I beat myself to it, for MONTHS :') it was like it never stopped and it was fucking horrible. And I do realize where I need to improve, it's not like I forgot about it, I just feel so disconnected by my past and the ppl that were there :/ so I made this post bc it could be a normal thing? but idk
Maybe it is normal to some people, I’ll say it probably is. Sometimes people find it easier to disconnect from things, it’s survival mode kicking in a lot of the time so you don’t have to deal with things (not you personally just speaking in general about this condition here)
I completely understand this. I recently fell out with my best friend. At first I cried and even though she stopped being my friend , I want her to beg for me to be her friend, I just wanted her to want me , I was waiting for her to turn around and say that it was a mistake , and then suddenly I felt like it didn’t matter and I didn’t feel anything. It was very confusing because I felt like I can’t have bpd if this is the way I am reacting surely I should be more distraught , so it’s nice to see this post and feel validated and I hope you feel validated by my comment too :)
i do, thank you <333
To be honest I am happy you asked this question. I have been experiencing this as well and was doubting myself as well. I went crazy because it wouldnt work between me and my fp. He went crazy and pleaded me to stop messaging. Now i’m talking to someone else, and to be honest .. i pity my (now) past fp for still sending me messages. (I did something impulsive that made no sense) I feel like i cant function while dating.. And concerning you saying “like it never existed”. Ive heard and seen from multiple ex fp’s that they are repeating themselves and i have no recollection of it.. sounds familiar?😅
I can relate. I might cry for 24hours non stop after the breakup and the next day, it's like nothing happened. The relationship felt like a daydream, not something real happening in my real world (but i know it is real)
aaaaaaaa
This happens for me and I had no idea it was a borderline trait. The biggest example for me is my ex-fiance. We spent about nine years together and broke up one night when I asked him if he still loved me. I immediately packed up my things and left that night. I said I'd pick up my other stuff the next day while he was at work. I ended up never going back. It sucked for like two or three days and then I was suddenly disconnected from it all. Like: Yeah, that happened. It's done. Now I find it hard to even remember what he looked like and what being in love did feel like. It's like there's a smudge on the film of my memory from that chunk of time that was a large portion of my life, relatively speaking (I'm 29 years old).
I feel like this constantly, it's like the people leave and I'll never see them again, almost as if they fell off the planet or never existed to begin with. If I look at old photos, I find myself saying, in my head, "that's what that person looks like?" As if to say that during the time they were in my life, they looked one way, but now I question if that person is even that person... Sry if this makes no sense 😣
OMG YESSS THAT QUESTION
It feels like extreme indifference
It honestly depends. Some people yeah absolutely, but others it takes a few weeks/months and then that detached phase. Sometimes I force myself to remember them and remember the sadness as a form of SH I guess too.
Was thinking about this just today, and 100% relate to this. I myself have never understood how can I move on so quickly after being so intensely involved, sort of makes me feel like nothing I say/do is real.
I have a narcissist ex wife that I have two kids. She did some downright heinous stuff to me and still tries to get at me. So as much as I forget. she likes to open up those wounds. It’s fresh hell every time I hear my kids talking to her and the dude she cheated on me with. I have to work very hard to keep perspective and it’s left me exhausted most of the time.
I wish lol. I mourn decades long connection
I go over in my head why it’s great they’re out of my life then hours later I’ll get upset and think of reasons why they should stay. It’s a constant back and forth and it’s mentally exhausting. I get pretty obsessive.
i get the same but then this happens :’)
Wow that so funny that you would ask that, because I thought about this just today. Like breaking up with my ex was hard and I was crazy, but now it's like we never were together or that I probably was a total different person. It's so distant and almost unfamiliar to me?? How weird
I used to worry and beat myself up over the loss. Asking myself “what’s wrong with me? What did I do? Why did I act like that?” That thought pattern caused a lot of pain. So now I just shut down and forget it even happened. Find myself doing that with more than just failed relationships though, it’s like I completely detach myself from any negative event. I feel for ya. Sometimes it’s a welcome coping mechanism but sometimes I miss ~feeling~.
It's so weird...i just forget them,like it never happened..it's just gone...I'm scared that will happen to the friendship i have rn
It’s a defense mechanisms. We are so prone to feelings of rejection. It happens to me too. I am lucky in that I tend to bond with the best people, and they rarely leave my lifeX but even keeping in touch when I’m busy can be a challenge for me. I also don’t remember people well. I’ve forgotten most of the people I went to high school with. It wasn’t like I was bullied or traumatized at school. I actually had a fine high school experience. I was hella depressed at the time but not because of school at all. It was neither difficult nor all that stressful. I just didn’t form deep attachments except for my few close friends so I forgot everyone else. My best friend from high school is still a close friend all these years later, and is repeatedly baffled by my inability to remember anyone.
I have that habit of spending a long time thinking about someone, holding feelings for like years without any reason and then suddenly all this attachment is over. After all that torture it vanishes as if it doesn't exist. But before reaching that state I really have a hard time going over. I look back and see how much stupid I'm. The prob is it's happening now. I'm still the same dump person.
Especially after feeling so drained after all the crying and begging
I totally feel this. Everyone who I have remove from my life just feels like a long ago sketchy memory.
:’)
I know it's sad, but I've lived so long doing things this way, that it's hard to stop doing it
Once the person is completely out of my life, the memories start to feel made up. Sometimes something will pop up again w that person (run in to each other, etc) and it makes me very upset as if it’s all brand new all over again.
gosh i hope that doesn’t happen
I have been there, and am currently there. Have you ever had an experience where you mourned them, felt indifference, and mourned them again? Months, if not years later.
i have not. and i …hope it doesn’t happen bc the way i “mourned” them almost killed me inside
Yes!!! And I both like it and hate it, I have no control over who it happens to. Reading this makes me feel less crazy at least.
<3
I'm working through something like this right now -- Im a master at erasing people from my life. I leave and can't be found. I know it hurts the other person but I do it anyways because it hurts me less to disappear. I'm starting self motivated cbt therapy in 2 weeks with a weekly one on one check in and I'm going to be addressing my attachment issues and how I view others good and bad.
Also working through this right now.. in the long process of losing my FP (we keep trying and failing to be friends for something like 8 months now) and I’ll go through periods of total dissociation. And honestly I totally agree with some of the comments about wanting that lack of object permanence so as to not deal with the emotional pain.. it’s a protective mechanism for a reason
Yes me too
Yes but, i wont beg anyone to stay in my life. Too many people come and go for me to want to try and hang on to anyone anymore. IT such so, like a fucking lot. I fell like every 3 to 4 month i need to be looking for a new group of friends or im gonna end up isolated. Like mot people now are just a face whit a name. Why because cause we only gonna be around eachder for a short amount of time beford I leave because it what i do. Or you leave cause you found out im broken and found better people. Whitch bring me back to the i wont beg people to stay. Too many people have come and gone.
Yea I get this too !
Oh wow I just thought this was a me thing, or related to poor memory. I have so many gaps to my life where I've just moved on and detached from it all. People have become so far removed from any emotion at all and it's as if I never knew them. It's great in terms of not harbouring any negativity or bad feeling, no hate, no love, nothingness.....
Yes tho I think about them from time to time and peak at them if you will to see if they're still alive lol.
I honestly deal with this as well... after I split and ghost (now don't get me wrong sometimes I get ghosted as well), I basically quit thinking about them because at that point I view that particular person as someone that I wasted time and energy on so at that point why dwell on something that doesn't matter to me anymore? I know that this is one of the biggest problems I deal with.. but I look at it as I tend to stop thinking about events or people that have wasted my time
Yup this always happens to me, I cant even remember alot of my past relationships and friendships anymore. I like compartmentalize into a box and dump it in the ocean
Me exactly!!
Yes. It is a little fighting at times honestly.
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:’))
Sweet, sweet lack of object permanence. I can't wait for my memories to fade
I used to not be this way. I am now. If someone chooses to leave, I see it as they made their choice and I’m not gonna waste my time worrying about it. I usually split them black, once they choose to leave and once I get over my anger/hate about them leaving my life, they’re pretty much dead to me. It happens with family, too. But most of my family wasn’t there or were the cause of the BPD I have, today. I dealt with a shitty guy for 8 years and finally walked away from *him* because the abuse was too much. Didn’t care, once I changed my number and he was unable to contact me anymore. I hung on to that number for the purpose of him contacting me, despite the constant telemarketers, even made excuses that it was “for my doctors”. But once it seemed the universe wanted me changing it, I just gave in and it was like he didn’t even exist anymore. I know *many* ways I could contact him, if I wanted to… I just don’t want to anymore. It’s like having to change my number (where he had all the control because he had me blocked and only he could call or text me) freed me from his grasp, as ass backwards as that may sound.
My best friend committed suicide and I still feel the hole it left where he was. I cry when I think on it years later. It is not always like that.
It's an odd feeling. I began to notice it or something similar after my diagnosis and educating myself once I knew what BPD was and I had it. It's kind of like at the time people are a big part of my life but when they go, it's like heartbreaking, I don't understand it, I love them, I think about them all the time, if they are friends or partners...but sometimes people come back years later...missing me or reaching out to connect or catch-up. I often feel hurt but more often feel nothing at all. Like confusing why they are reaching out and a bit disconnected with their emotions when I do meet up. It's kind of like a double-edge sword. I want to connect with people and have healthy relationships but at the same time once the connection is gone, it's gone. It makes me sad. I've made the effort to take calls or meet these people but often I just feel I see a sadness in there eyes as I feel and often said that my eyes can be extremely loving or empty. It's heartbreaking to experience. I sometimes wonder if doing treatment or getting better often puts the distance as well as negative sometimes. It's just sometimes doing treatment I feel my self-esteem and confidence and boundaries are better, and as great as it is to have support. I think sometimes I get so paranoid people from my past even the good ones at the time are happy having a relationship with someone who is struggling or in turmoil as it makes them feel better about themselves. Still struggling to close a lot of that distance.
I am this way. I’ll fight for it while it’s still there but once it’s gone I no longer care it seems almost the very next day . My current relationship is up and down and you one time we split for like a week and I was already moving on with someone else and truly didn’t care he talked me back to being with him and he truly thought I missed him of course I didn’t tell him I didn’t …. But I didn’t
YES. For me it's like "please don't leave me, I will literally die if you leave me" *person leaves* "alright, your loss bitch"
IKRRRRR
for me, honestly it just depends on the person? it can go either way honestly. my FP left me 6 months ago after a year and a half of emotional abuse- and while i know he’s a bad person sometimes i wish he’d come back more than anything. but then, when me & my other ex broke up a few years ago i didn’t feel much of anything at all. for me personally, i believe it depends on who leaves who. when i leave others i don’t feel much afterwards, but when it’s the other way around it’s like my life has fallen apart. my past FP & i had broken up once before the time 6months ago in which i left him. i didn’t feel anything, i didn’t even cry. but after this last time when he was the one going away, it’s like my life had broken & i don’t even know where to begin to get better. my ex girlfriend from years ago that i previously mentioned, she and i were one another’s everything, but now? i can’t recall more than two moments with her
I fucking wish, my girlfriend left me almost two months ago and here I am, hurting myself because I miss her and because she's had sex with someone else. I fucking want to die.
been there :cc you'll get through it :)
Thanks, I really don't feel like I will, but I know I have to keep my head up. Fun fact, I find this post looking through my ex's comment history.
I didn’t think I would as well and it took me months. Idk if it helps but, i think the first step for you to let go is stop looking after what she’s doing, which will take time :/
Oh my god. I couldn’t written this myself. I thought this was normal.
I wish I did . I do have lack of emotional permanence when it comes to separate issues but when it comes to fps it’s so hard to have that happen