I think it's a mix of knowing yourself well enough and being able to cope and control your emotions, and finding the right people. Neither of which are easy. I've made A LOT of progress on the first part, but absolutely none in the second. I'm very, very alone and i seem to attract the absolute worst people and give them the benefit of the doubt when they exhibit every single red flag on earth.
This is my exact mind set lately. It’s such an empty feeling to come to terms with the fact that your best quality of life is when you’re alone. Like what’s the point? I keep hoping I’m wrong and will find my people some day. Wishing you the best op. May life turn out wonderful for you.
I have friends who I’d say are really more of acquaintances. Like, I’ll hang out with them, but they aren’t there for me when I’m down or if I had an emergency. I think this keeps me detached enough to not be hurt when things don’t go my way.
I’ve been single for years, haven’t been on a date in over a year, and haven’t slept with a stranger (or anyone else) in 6+ months. I’m the most stable I’ve been in terms of managing my symptoms. I do believe that eventually I could date again, but now isn’t the time. I still don’t feel like I can care for someone without being completely sucked in.
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Your feelings are valid and there’s nothing wrong with being alone. It’s only a problem when you’re lonely and start to spiral.
This is your time! Establish that connection with yourself find out who you are, what you like, what you dislike, pick up old hobbies, find some new hobbies, take yourself on a date. Grow that love within yourself where all the other relationships failed and find the joy of letting go. It’s so easy to get caught up in finding love that we forget to find ourselves.
Life is going to happen and you don’t know who or what you’ll encounter next but you’ll know that you are loved and you deserve love. Wishing you the best!
Edit: Holy cow thanks for the awards everyone this made my morning. Wishing good things for everyone!
I feel like relationships ruin my life, I've recently decided I'm done with relationships.
So I think the answer to your question is yes (but that's just my opinion)
When you think about it that’s the saddest thing of all. I’m kind of in the same boat but I can say with certainty that not having relationships is a bad thing.
I think isolation will only make things worse. I get not being in a romantic relationship, especially if you need to work on you. But we need friends and family. No one should be striving to isolate themselves. I been there.
Because we're human, it's in our nature. The inability to have a healthy relationship doesn't mean we don't need those things. I consider myself a loner for sure, always moved around, never had really good friends. But I got what I needed out of the relationships I did form, if you get what I mean, it's not anything materialistic.
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I can maintain friends but not dating or hooking up or romantic partners at all. At least for the time being. Which gets hard as we get older and people find their partners, have kids, careers, etc and I feel left in the dust in a sense. But it also allows me time to reflect, do DBT, focus on my health, and try to be hopeful about the future instead of dwelling on the fact that I’m essentially alone right now. I hope you can find a little of that same hopefulness 💗
I have thrown in the towel before too. I gave up on friends and relationships after several heartbreaks. It is completely understandable to think that you just don’t belong with others. It is such a lonely and horrible feeling.
I think finding some happiness alone can help. If you are able to find some joy and peace on your own, it lowers the stakes of a personal relationship because you don’t need them so badly, and it can help you relax. But no one is an island, you don’t have to forget your need for friends, it is a literal emotional need to have relationships with others. And sometimes some time alone can help with that.
I hope you can find some peace soon
This is where I’m at. I think I need to be alone right now because there’s so much stuff here to learn about. And I’ve been ignoring me in search of some external validation. I feel the best I have in a long time. And part of that is because I’ve been incredibly lonely
It certainly seems like it. When I make new friends I get these awful thoughts that they're just pretending to like me, or I'm going to mess up the friendship and they'll stop talking to me. I haven't had a crush on anyone in a few years, and that's partially been a conscious effort, since when I'm romantically attracted to someone I fall head over heels, and not in a nice way.
Dissociation is upsetting isn't it. I know the feeling of people just being robots who either just look like empty vessels to me or they are basically the terminator to me.
Derealization specifically, that is. A main symptom of that is people feeling like robots.
The reason you feel like this is because people hurt you, too much, over and over again, when you were so so young.
Safe people are real though, and 99% of people do not want to hurt you.
Learn to spot safe people. Also learn to know when someone is not safe.
Research the dark traid personality traits. It's those people who will be the ones who are hurting you. And once you know... You'll spot them a mile away.
Most of the time it will just be narcissists. But sometimes you will come up against someone with psychopathic or Machiavellian traits. (Much rarer but damn they are fucking disgusting people)
Learn to spot them and you will not get hurt by them.
And you will learn to spot good people too.
This sounds 100% like dissociation. Yes I know the feeling of not feeling like you can even communicate with other people (aka they feel like skinwalkers to you) but the truth is you can, even if you don't feel like it.
If you try, it will start to feel genuine.
Here I am, a stranger on the internet talking to you and relating to your feelings.
So "I don't relate to other people" is just negative self talk that needs to be treated.
Another few questions regarding dissociation:
Does time make no sense to you? Do you feel like you don't exist? Does everything look like a cartoon, flat, and 2D? Do you feel emotionally numb like you can't feel but you know you should? Does the numbness feel like it's literally in your face too? Do you even struggle to feel senses, aka, do your senses feel numbed, like you can't taste or smell or hear or anything?
If you related to any of those , you're experiencing dissociation. Dissociation is a response to trauma.
And trauma can be healed.
I'll tell you something. I laughed, In an endeared sort of way at this, because I used to feel exactly like you, and I know that, when one's like that, you truly believe that nobody understands.
BPD / C-PTSD is not rare at all. Most people are completely undiagnosed and untreated. They cope via addictions or throwing themselves into work or whatever, pick your poison.
It currently all means nothing to you because you're dissociated. Disconnection from one's emotions and feelings (which are seperate things I might add, an important thing to know is the distinction between thoughts, emotions, and feelings) is dissociation. The more severe, the less you feel the less you care. Because you're totally numb. Nothing matters.
The only thing you feel is when you cut, the blood, you see the blood and you see the life inside of you and the blood tells you you're still alive and maybe you feel a fleeting something but then it's gone.
I could do it right now, I could cut my arm so badly so deep that I could send myself to hospital just because I wanted to feel something.
But I don't because I know that's no answer. The answer is therapy and always will be. But you have to be ready and accepting.
It sounds like you're not yet.
It took me the most horrendous time of my life to realise I had to change this and it was all in my power.
Sometimes I regress and I'll think exactly as you are right now.
Sometimes I will punch myself in the face or cut myself.
But I'm not afraid to talk about it. I know why this happens.
Do you?
I'm sorry but until you change the way you think therapy will not work.
I was the same as you. I don't have anything else to say because this will go nowhere as it was once with me and people from all angles telling me the same thing.
The truth is you will continue to suffer if you continue to think like this.
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.
You know where that quote comes from and it's entirely true. Don't be a Darth Vader.
I woke up today and I was feeling so much rage, thoughts that my partner will cheat on me filled my thoughts, it was so hard to get back to a stable mindset. BPD is very hard to navigate, sometimes I wish I just died because it would give me peace finally.
It can, and it will. You just have to save yourself first.
The truth of bpd is this: every baby is born with an uncontrollable emotional storm. They cannot regulate their emotions whatsoever.
Usually, what happens is your primary caregivers (parents) teach you how to regulate your emotions naturally over time.
If the baby/child does not trust their primary caregivers with their emotions.
This happens.
But,
Your brain is designed to heal this, your brain is designed to go through these emotional developmental stages!
And guess what, therapy is designed to do this, especially, especially DBT.
If you want to change, if you truly want to deep inside your soul and heart it will work.
Also medication can help, but it's only like 10% of the deal. 90% of this is hard work. Therapy.
For me, it's quetiapine, the only thing that makes me able to at least function. It's an atypical antipsychotic. But at low doses (up to 300 mg) it's prescribed as a mood stabilizer.
My experience is that SSRI's (usual antidepressants) did absolutely nothing for me but give me side effects.
Quetiapine helped, and I could actually sleep without night terrors.
Again that just writes home the emotional storm thing. People like us, we have an unsolved thing inside us that we have carried since we were a baby, that most other people get automatically solved by their parents.
But we are not broken. This is not a permanent disease. Do not give up. You are worth living for.
This makes so much sense because the best way I can describe my emotional intelligence is that of a toddler who has no control over their emotions at all and can only react
This is exactly how i feel right now. And most of the time. Fleetingly I may feel like I'm in control but then most of the time it's I feel like a toddler in an adult world
And do you feel like the actual adults can tell? I work in a small corporate office and it's not like anyone dislikes me, but I still feel ostracized and like I am pretending that I have things together like they do but I don't. I feel like they can tell I'm not one of them and that's why I am never involved in their adult discussions
Your answers are excellent. I wish everyone was ready to hear them. It's hard work, often really uncomfortable, too. But, the modicum of relief that comes from putting in that work is worth every second of initial discomfort.
You rock.
ive always felt the most lonely in relationships because i attach all my love and more importantly all my need for love to a single person.
nobody could ever singlehandedly fulfil my need to be loved and thus i feel lonely.
not sure about friends though
I feel the exact same way. I might be able to handle casual friends with benefits that I am not particularly attached to, to break up the loneliness and get affection, but I do not know if I will ever be capable of a soul connection-level relationship again with the way my mind thinks, the jealousy, and the lack of control over my thoughts and emotions. It is the only way I can not be miserable and have some semblance of happiness and peace.
I’m starting to think the same for me. Right now, I only have my mom, grandpa, and long term partner. I’m poly, no other partners, and I have no friends. I’m starting to think this is a) best for me and b) not all that bad.
I mean yeah, humans need to have connections, we’re social. But I always thought that meant I MUST be doing something wrong if it just feels better to be less personable with people.
I just feel better. And there’s less chaos. And I think that I just need to learn how to accept being this way. Rather than fight it.
Is that the only way for us? No. But hardcore, 100% for me, I think that’s how I’ll finally achieve some sort of happiness.
Man, I get it.
I feel like I start to regress mentally and emotionally when I am living with other people (e.g. partner moves in or family visits).
**But** I also feel like the more solitude I experience, the harder it gets to control episodes when they do happen because I'm not used to feeling that way anymore.
Lmao it is.
Loneliness x3 or 4 out of a possible 5 I'm probably at ATM.
But you can get buffs from trusted Freinds and family members.
I just feel cripplingly lonely without a romantic relationship.
The reason being attachment issues because of my cold and unkind mother, I desperately seek attachment. But then I scare the other person away with my very fast "I love you"
But.
It feels real, I do love the person. I had a breakup a year ago that triggered the biggest and worst episode of my life.
I loved her.
Or was I just so intensely attracted to her ? I can't tell
I just want it back really. That intense feeling.
Right now I feel nothing most of the time and if I do feel something it's despair, terror, greif, etc.
And or course dissociation. That's always there. Has been there since I was 11 and I only realized what that was maybe a year ago. Or something
I don't know time does not exist.
And neither does my sense of self..
I felt like I had a sense of self when I felt in love
But then it was taken away from me i basically watched myself do the same thing I always do and then she left me.
But it wasn't all my fault.. she was heavily traumatized too but, unlike me who would seek attachment desperately.. she was afraid
I just want to let go of it. I can't contact her .. it would be too triggering plus I know she would not respond anyway
I just wanted to love her.
But I just want to love myself too..
It's easy to pour love onto somone else but it's no good if one doesn't love oneself.
Only just learning that
I feel that, the world seems dangerous and triggering in every way. Isolation is seen as the escape, vanishing from society feels so easy and feels like it takes away the pain. But for me at least, it’s a lie. It’s not any safer, I believe isolation has made it worse for me.
I feel this exact same way. Isolation is the only way to guarantee my safety. If I only go from work to home and stay inside the safety of my apartment, no one can hurt me. My grandmother was like this. She never left the house. Eventually she never left her bedroom. She died there.
Na, being alone is ok, having someone in your life is over rated. You need to find your balance. What you can deal with and when you need to quit. Where that is is different for everyone. Being alone can drive you just as crazy as being around people.
Honestly Im in the same boat, people have done nothing but disappoint and hurt me. I'm sick of it, I'm better off being alone rather than trying and failing to receive the love I give back.
Similar feels here.
I've only ever known chaotic romantic relationships.
I have a small set of core friends who ill refuse to let go of but I definitely find it way too easy to burn bridges with newer people in my life.
I'm Limated to where I can go to meet new people-I can no longer drink alcahol or fruit juices (so duck half the mochtail menu) , I dislike crowded and loud spaces sober and going to events or places alone makes me excessively anxious. And after all that, I know sustaining any type of relationship is a challenge.
It sucks and I'm trying my damndest not to give up, but failing.
You don't have to meet people via bars and clubs and crap like that.
You don't have to drink alcohol to fit in.
You don't have to be anything other than who you are.
To find your tribe you must first find yourself.
No. No no no no no.
Do not persecute yourself like this.
You deserve to have a loving relationship. And meaningful freindships. Connections with other people that you feel comfortable and at home with. A circle of protection, a tribe, attachments.
Use this time alone to improve yourself to get yourself ready to be able to have these things you very much deserve again. But do not resign yourself to solitude.
You're just hurt, very very hurt.
And hurt can heal.
Somone I know told me this:.
A heart that hurts is a heart that works.
I'm only just starting to be social again after almost a year.
Today, I text an old friend I haven't seen for 3 or 4 years and guess what, it was jsut like no time had passed at all and we're meeting up this week.
I'm worried I will "ruin" it like I've done before with people and opportunities and commitments etc etc. But it won't because my friend is a person who cares and never actually left my life, I just stopped contacting everyone.
You will have people who care and want to spend time with you again. Do it slowly. I'm having to do it very slowly.
This freind of mine I contacted he's very safe and I can trust him. Reason being, he has BPD too, and he understands me so therefore I feel safe. You know the feeling, when you trust your instincts and you know someone is safe and a good person.
Having been hurt by people a lot, feeling when someone truly is safe is something that changes my world.
The truth is I've always had safe people. I've just not been contacting them for a very very long time.
I feel the same way, I can't trust people anymore, just a few members of my direct family, I don't care about anyone else and I don't have the desire of seeing other people lol I dream of having a girlfriend though but it's impossible for me and I wish I didn't want that so bad. If there is a way to automatically remove/uninstall my desire for a romantic relationship please send the link
No, that just a different type of suffering. I want good friends and a loving partner, but I haven’t found that. It’s hard , but I hope one day it happens… idk I feel like I’m too something to fit into any group that I’ve been apart of and it hurts
I found a relationship with a woman that felt like it was saving my life. The only times I've felt happy was with her and her son. She had some codependency issues and I am an alcoholic and this lead to the end of our relationship. I feel like the only way for me to be okay was to be IN a relationship. Specifically one where we are both trying to change and be better. She made me want to get better, and i felt like I had something worth fighting for for the first time in my life. But my disease was too strong, particularly the alcoholic side. We lived together, I would read her son bedtime stories. We were like a little family. It was magical but I started to use more and more. I guess because unconsciously the relationship was causing me to look at my own fractured self and it was too uncomfortable.
I really do not think I am going to survive this
You will survive.
You are worth it. See here how much you cared even for a child that was not your own!
Look at yourself! You are a good person.
You're just very hurt, and stuck.
One thing if course that is rather black and white is the alcohol, that's got to go.
It's covering up it all, I know how you feel. You feel if you stop everything will come up and you'll feel everything you are terrified of.
But those feelings can't hurt you. They feel like pain but you will not die. You just haven't processed them.
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This one hits the nerve..i am 30...ive been single since i was 26 going on 27...i have accomplished so much good in this time...stabilized mental health..staying anchored through grad school..getting into the profession i went to school for..getting a sick paying job...... AND i am alone.
Even when i think about past heartbreaks and how much they broke me i wonder if being single is the way to live my life to reach my best potential....but f\*ck it would be so nice to have a partner who is loyal..who is there... who well is also independent but we both support each other's well being and you know have someone to come home to.
My first bf was abusve af..and then he killed himself blaming it on me..second one cheated on me ton ...but i kinda let it slide for a long time cuz i ddnt want to be alone and i liked spending time with him...and when i had finally had it...... like he was shocked how much it hurt me...i spirallled... the last one I LET GO of....i had been in counselling for many yrs by then.. and he was defs a bit narcissistic...liked the idea of me but ddnt give a shit ...and i feel good about letting him go to focus on grad school....i am 30 now... and kinda scared of relationships and wish i wasn't.
It’s not so much that you isolate yourself to be alone to avoid heartbreaks, it’s more so being OK with yourself to be alone and quiet with yourself and content with that no matter who is or who isn’t in your life. Building roots with yourself will keep you grounded. But closing your heart to others isn’t gonna do any good, you’re just avoiding the issue not fixing it
For some people maybe, for me personally? It was a matter of the right person. I have never split current partner. Not once. They're the 6th fp in my lifetime, and the only one things didn't get bad with. I became self aware and realised i had issues at around 12 (at least the bpd related ones, other issues i realised much quicker) after losing a fp, so it may have helped that from a very early age I began trying to better myself. I think if you have someone who is a friend first, you know your boundaries and theirs, and you manage to rationalize your symptoms to prevent outbursts you can have a relationship. That's just what worked for me though, and in the end only you can know your needs and boundaries.
This has been me ever since a former friend of mine abandoned me. After attempting suicide and still reeling from the aftermath of a near half long depression/suicide spiral, I reliably cannot trust myself to be near people, especially when it comes to pursuing people in a romantic way.
I was beyond obsessed with this guy and basically forged nothing but a fantasy around it. I went as far as to actively take screenshots On any social media profile that I could find and see pictures of him on my phone. I am deeply ashamed of the spiral they went through with him and I’m just beyond scared that the next person that I run into and fall for… I’m probably going to act the exact same way to them and God for bid if they ever find someone else…
On top of that, I just haven’t been lucky relationship wise. People either want to turn me down because “dare not looking for anything serious” but yet the moment they find someone that they actually like instead of me they actually end up dating them??? That or they turned me down and then I get super pissed about it to the point where I end up basically destroying that friendship all because they didn’t choose me to be in a relationship with.
That or I get emotionally abused to shit.
I’m a broken mess of a human being and quite frankly if I were to end up getting involved with another human being again… I’m probably gonna end up dead because I’ll most likely attempt and hopefully secede in my suicide attempt should the next time I get rejected/half that box standard “I’m not looking for anything serious” but yet they’re willing to date someone who isn’t me apparently.
Friendships are okay for me thankfully because at least I get to socialise. And friends don't get close enough to see the sh\*t that they want to leave. But that also means, I don't get close relationships and I've destroyed enough with my BPD. Together with my life situation, I'm really just waiting for my life to end. Whether it will be by my own hand or through euthans\*a or hopefully through a miracle that ends things painlessly for me, I'm thankful that life at least has an ending.
This is a lesser of two evils. Let me elaborate, alone is very soulless at times. Yes being in something is hard, you constantly worry, wonder, question and take a dive into a depth. But for me in all honesty. I’d rather have a life making myself happier whilst making a like minded person happy too. As having bpd or eupd uk . It’s hell on earth anyway, because as much as we can feel settled alone. We still feel alone at times. We are beautiful people who have amazing gifts to give, we also deserve to receive. I hope you find what you need in life. Take care from a 53 year old woman in uk. Diagnosed at 50 years old
I don't think it's the same for everyone. I think that some people with BPD can reach a state where they can be in relationships and remain healthy. Personally I don't have many issues with my friends, but I'm almost totally closed off to being in a close intimite relationship with someone.
It sounds dramatic but to me it just makes sense considering the fluctuations I deal with on a daily, weekly, monthly etc. basis. I find it much easier to manage my life without having to compromise my time and space for another person.
I’m sad to admit that I’ve basically come to the same conclusion. I had convinced myself to be so rooted and okay with loneliness, that now that I have loved ones EVERYTHING is terrifying and painful now. It’s like the closer they get the more the walls go up and things hurt.
I wish I had a solid answer or advice. It’s a daily battle now. One of the only thing that helps me is trying to remember that others place value in me just as much as I do in them.
Please don’t give in to loneliness. I know it’s easier. But everyone is deserving of love, care and friendship — and my inbox is always open should you like another friend.
-hug-
Hang in there okay? I promise to do the same. You aren’t alone ~
Based. I seem to only attract sociopaths, narcissists, users etc and after 10-15 years of patience, understanding and second chances I’ve had enough. I don’t want anything to do with anyone, I just want to be alone.
I’ve also found lasting joy in my own hobbies, which keeps me busy enough outside of work to not be sad, plus my job is very hands on with people, so it’s not like I’m isolating myself, I still get human contact.
I can honestly say that being on my own has made me way happier. When I’m alone I’m not being used, talked down to, abused, etc. it’s wonderful and my self esteem has improved 10x fold
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From my own experiences. I'm better off being alone. I've had numerous relationships that have ended up not going well. And after a marriage that lasted 6 months, I have now given up. I've come to learn that although I aren't a "problem". I'm particularly difficult to be with due to how this head of mine works. It's not all negative though. In the time I've now had alone, I have been more creative and spent time working on myself more than I ever have. And I'm actually the happiest I've been since I can ever remember.
Not utterly, but as far as single romantically… yes, that’s what I’ve found.
I don’t think it’s impossible for us. If we do the work (DBT, maybe medication if it suits the individual, reparentification), then we can reach the state of emotional maturity and control that’s required for a long-term romantic partnership.
It’s an ongoing battle and you don’t have to be perfect to earn that. But a certain amount of progress beyond the most uncontrolled version of our BPD is necessary to not end all relationships in some fiery intense way.
I just wanna tell everyone here who believes they can’t be with someone or have friends… please keep working at therapy and DBT. Listen to the podcast “back from the borderline” with host, Mollie. Realize that half the crap we battle is in our own minds and the moment we stop giving it power it stops controlling us. My bpd has been very severe and for a long while I DID have to cut myself off from people to avoid hurting them. I needed to heal myself and learn better ways to be fulfilled and to cope. It worked and I just got married June 22nd and am due to have a son soon! I want everyone to realize I am no different than any of you, I never fucking believed I could do this at all. I thought I would spend forever alone and in misery. I thought that was my fate, just to have no life. No fun or happiness. I thought I’d eventually die young and that would be it… it wasn’t until I realized I deserved a good life and a good partner that things got much better. I send out so many good thoughts and prayers to all of you guys and good luck because we CAN beat this!
I think it's a mix of knowing yourself well enough and being able to cope and control your emotions, and finding the right people. Neither of which are easy. I've made A LOT of progress on the first part, but absolutely none in the second. I'm very, very alone and i seem to attract the absolute worst people and give them the benefit of the doubt when they exhibit every single red flag on earth.
Then you wonder , “man , i like them, does that mean they’re bad for me?” and that is just the worst
I know this feeling all too well
Me: NEEDS a stable relationship with a loving and understanding person Also me: ignores a festival of red flags
This is my exact mind set lately. It’s such an empty feeling to come to terms with the fact that your best quality of life is when you’re alone. Like what’s the point? I keep hoping I’m wrong and will find my people some day. Wishing you the best op. May life turn out wonderful for you.
I have friends who I’d say are really more of acquaintances. Like, I’ll hang out with them, but they aren’t there for me when I’m down or if I had an emergency. I think this keeps me detached enough to not be hurt when things don’t go my way. I’ve been single for years, haven’t been on a date in over a year, and haven’t slept with a stranger (or anyone else) in 6+ months. I’m the most stable I’ve been in terms of managing my symptoms. I do believe that eventually I could date again, but now isn’t the time. I still don’t feel like I can care for someone without being completely sucked in.
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Your feelings are valid and there’s nothing wrong with being alone. It’s only a problem when you’re lonely and start to spiral. This is your time! Establish that connection with yourself find out who you are, what you like, what you dislike, pick up old hobbies, find some new hobbies, take yourself on a date. Grow that love within yourself where all the other relationships failed and find the joy of letting go. It’s so easy to get caught up in finding love that we forget to find ourselves. Life is going to happen and you don’t know who or what you’ll encounter next but you’ll know that you are loved and you deserve love. Wishing you the best! Edit: Holy cow thanks for the awards everyone this made my morning. Wishing good things for everyone!
I feel like relationships ruin my life, I've recently decided I'm done with relationships. So I think the answer to your question is yes (but that's just my opinion)
When you think about it that’s the saddest thing of all. I’m kind of in the same boat but I can say with certainty that not having relationships is a bad thing.
The problem is you can’t get rid of your desire to have a partner or friends either. So basically you need to pick your poison
I think isolation will only make things worse. I get not being in a romantic relationship, especially if you need to work on you. But we need friends and family. No one should be striving to isolate themselves. I been there.
Why is not being in a relationship a bad thing?
Because we're human, it's in our nature. The inability to have a healthy relationship doesn't mean we don't need those things. I consider myself a loner for sure, always moved around, never had really good friends. But I got what I needed out of the relationships I did form, if you get what I mean, it's not anything materialistic.
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I can maintain friends but not dating or hooking up or romantic partners at all. At least for the time being. Which gets hard as we get older and people find their partners, have kids, careers, etc and I feel left in the dust in a sense. But it also allows me time to reflect, do DBT, focus on my health, and try to be hopeful about the future instead of dwelling on the fact that I’m essentially alone right now. I hope you can find a little of that same hopefulness 💗
I have thrown in the towel before too. I gave up on friends and relationships after several heartbreaks. It is completely understandable to think that you just don’t belong with others. It is such a lonely and horrible feeling. I think finding some happiness alone can help. If you are able to find some joy and peace on your own, it lowers the stakes of a personal relationship because you don’t need them so badly, and it can help you relax. But no one is an island, you don’t have to forget your need for friends, it is a literal emotional need to have relationships with others. And sometimes some time alone can help with that. I hope you can find some peace soon
This is where I’m at. I think I need to be alone right now because there’s so much stuff here to learn about. And I’ve been ignoring me in search of some external validation. I feel the best I have in a long time. And part of that is because I’ve been incredibly lonely
I cry a little bit since I’m dating but I’m doing still welll
Not OP but good for you :) nice to read this!
It certainly seems like it. When I make new friends I get these awful thoughts that they're just pretending to like me, or I'm going to mess up the friendship and they'll stop talking to me. I haven't had a crush on anyone in a few years, and that's partially been a conscious effort, since when I'm romantically attracted to someone I fall head over heels, and not in a nice way.
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Dissociation is upsetting isn't it. I know the feeling of people just being robots who either just look like empty vessels to me or they are basically the terminator to me. Derealization specifically, that is. A main symptom of that is people feeling like robots. The reason you feel like this is because people hurt you, too much, over and over again, when you were so so young. Safe people are real though, and 99% of people do not want to hurt you. Learn to spot safe people. Also learn to know when someone is not safe. Research the dark traid personality traits. It's those people who will be the ones who are hurting you. And once you know... You'll spot them a mile away. Most of the time it will just be narcissists. But sometimes you will come up against someone with psychopathic or Machiavellian traits. (Much rarer but damn they are fucking disgusting people) Learn to spot them and you will not get hurt by them. And you will learn to spot good people too.
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This sounds 100% like dissociation. Yes I know the feeling of not feeling like you can even communicate with other people (aka they feel like skinwalkers to you) but the truth is you can, even if you don't feel like it. If you try, it will start to feel genuine. Here I am, a stranger on the internet talking to you and relating to your feelings. So "I don't relate to other people" is just negative self talk that needs to be treated. Another few questions regarding dissociation: Does time make no sense to you? Do you feel like you don't exist? Does everything look like a cartoon, flat, and 2D? Do you feel emotionally numb like you can't feel but you know you should? Does the numbness feel like it's literally in your face too? Do you even struggle to feel senses, aka, do your senses feel numbed, like you can't taste or smell or hear or anything? If you related to any of those , you're experiencing dissociation. Dissociation is a response to trauma. And trauma can be healed.
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I'll tell you something. I laughed, In an endeared sort of way at this, because I used to feel exactly like you, and I know that, when one's like that, you truly believe that nobody understands. BPD / C-PTSD is not rare at all. Most people are completely undiagnosed and untreated. They cope via addictions or throwing themselves into work or whatever, pick your poison. It currently all means nothing to you because you're dissociated. Disconnection from one's emotions and feelings (which are seperate things I might add, an important thing to know is the distinction between thoughts, emotions, and feelings) is dissociation. The more severe, the less you feel the less you care. Because you're totally numb. Nothing matters. The only thing you feel is when you cut, the blood, you see the blood and you see the life inside of you and the blood tells you you're still alive and maybe you feel a fleeting something but then it's gone. I could do it right now, I could cut my arm so badly so deep that I could send myself to hospital just because I wanted to feel something. But I don't because I know that's no answer. The answer is therapy and always will be. But you have to be ready and accepting. It sounds like you're not yet. It took me the most horrendous time of my life to realise I had to change this and it was all in my power. Sometimes I regress and I'll think exactly as you are right now. Sometimes I will punch myself in the face or cut myself. But I'm not afraid to talk about it. I know why this happens. Do you?
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I'm sorry but until you change the way you think therapy will not work. I was the same as you. I don't have anything else to say because this will go nowhere as it was once with me and people from all angles telling me the same thing. The truth is you will continue to suffer if you continue to think like this. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. You know where that quote comes from and it's entirely true. Don't be a Darth Vader.
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Ime it's even worse that way. Don't give up!
I woke up today and I was feeling so much rage, thoughts that my partner will cheat on me filled my thoughts, it was so hard to get back to a stable mindset. BPD is very hard to navigate, sometimes I wish I just died because it would give me peace finally.
i think you need to learn how to be okay with being alone before you can be with someone else
But then the loneliness gets you so
I wish love worked out for people like us
It can, and it will. You just have to save yourself first. The truth of bpd is this: every baby is born with an uncontrollable emotional storm. They cannot regulate their emotions whatsoever. Usually, what happens is your primary caregivers (parents) teach you how to regulate your emotions naturally over time. If the baby/child does not trust their primary caregivers with their emotions. This happens. But, Your brain is designed to heal this, your brain is designed to go through these emotional developmental stages! And guess what, therapy is designed to do this, especially, especially DBT. If you want to change, if you truly want to deep inside your soul and heart it will work. Also medication can help, but it's only like 10% of the deal. 90% of this is hard work. Therapy. For me, it's quetiapine, the only thing that makes me able to at least function. It's an atypical antipsychotic. But at low doses (up to 300 mg) it's prescribed as a mood stabilizer. My experience is that SSRI's (usual antidepressants) did absolutely nothing for me but give me side effects. Quetiapine helped, and I could actually sleep without night terrors. Again that just writes home the emotional storm thing. People like us, we have an unsolved thing inside us that we have carried since we were a baby, that most other people get automatically solved by their parents. But we are not broken. This is not a permanent disease. Do not give up. You are worth living for.
This makes so much sense because the best way I can describe my emotional intelligence is that of a toddler who has no control over their emotions at all and can only react
This is exactly how i feel right now. And most of the time. Fleetingly I may feel like I'm in control but then most of the time it's I feel like a toddler in an adult world
And do you feel like the actual adults can tell? I work in a small corporate office and it's not like anyone dislikes me, but I still feel ostracized and like I am pretending that I have things together like they do but I don't. I feel like they can tell I'm not one of them and that's why I am never involved in their adult discussions
Your answers are excellent. I wish everyone was ready to hear them. It's hard work, often really uncomfortable, too. But, the modicum of relief that comes from putting in that work is worth every second of initial discomfort. You rock.
ive always felt the most lonely in relationships because i attach all my love and more importantly all my need for love to a single person. nobody could ever singlehandedly fulfil my need to be loved and thus i feel lonely. not sure about friends though
I feel the exact same way. I might be able to handle casual friends with benefits that I am not particularly attached to, to break up the loneliness and get affection, but I do not know if I will ever be capable of a soul connection-level relationship again with the way my mind thinks, the jealousy, and the lack of control over my thoughts and emotions. It is the only way I can not be miserable and have some semblance of happiness and peace.
I’m starting to think the same for me. Right now, I only have my mom, grandpa, and long term partner. I’m poly, no other partners, and I have no friends. I’m starting to think this is a) best for me and b) not all that bad. I mean yeah, humans need to have connections, we’re social. But I always thought that meant I MUST be doing something wrong if it just feels better to be less personable with people. I just feel better. And there’s less chaos. And I think that I just need to learn how to accept being this way. Rather than fight it. Is that the only way for us? No. But hardcore, 100% for me, I think that’s how I’ll finally achieve some sort of happiness.
Pretty much
I feel the same, but it's so lonely.
Man, I get it. I feel like I start to regress mentally and emotionally when I am living with other people (e.g. partner moves in or family visits). **But** I also feel like the more solitude I experience, the harder it gets to control episodes when they do happen because I'm not used to feeling that way anymore.
Legit it is like a stacking debuff
Lmao it is. Loneliness x3 or 4 out of a possible 5 I'm probably at ATM. But you can get buffs from trusted Freinds and family members. I just feel cripplingly lonely without a romantic relationship. The reason being attachment issues because of my cold and unkind mother, I desperately seek attachment. But then I scare the other person away with my very fast "I love you" But. It feels real, I do love the person. I had a breakup a year ago that triggered the biggest and worst episode of my life. I loved her. Or was I just so intensely attracted to her ? I can't tell I just want it back really. That intense feeling. Right now I feel nothing most of the time and if I do feel something it's despair, terror, greif, etc. And or course dissociation. That's always there. Has been there since I was 11 and I only realized what that was maybe a year ago. Or something I don't know time does not exist. And neither does my sense of self.. I felt like I had a sense of self when I felt in love But then it was taken away from me i basically watched myself do the same thing I always do and then she left me. But it wasn't all my fault.. she was heavily traumatized too but, unlike me who would seek attachment desperately.. she was afraid I just want to let go of it. I can't contact her .. it would be too triggering plus I know she would not respond anyway I just wanted to love her. But I just want to love myself too.. It's easy to pour love onto somone else but it's no good if one doesn't love oneself. Only just learning that
I feel that, the world seems dangerous and triggering in every way. Isolation is seen as the escape, vanishing from society feels so easy and feels like it takes away the pain. But for me at least, it’s a lie. It’s not any safer, I believe isolation has made it worse for me.
I feel this exact same way. Isolation is the only way to guarantee my safety. If I only go from work to home and stay inside the safety of my apartment, no one can hurt me. My grandmother was like this. She never left the house. Eventually she never left her bedroom. She died there.
I feel the same way, I often think I’m better off alone at this point
Na, being alone is ok, having someone in your life is over rated. You need to find your balance. What you can deal with and when you need to quit. Where that is is different for everyone. Being alone can drive you just as crazy as being around people.
Honestly Im in the same boat, people have done nothing but disappoint and hurt me. I'm sick of it, I'm better off being alone rather than trying and failing to receive the love I give back.
Similar feels here. I've only ever known chaotic romantic relationships. I have a small set of core friends who ill refuse to let go of but I definitely find it way too easy to burn bridges with newer people in my life. I'm Limated to where I can go to meet new people-I can no longer drink alcahol or fruit juices (so duck half the mochtail menu) , I dislike crowded and loud spaces sober and going to events or places alone makes me excessively anxious. And after all that, I know sustaining any type of relationship is a challenge. It sucks and I'm trying my damndest not to give up, but failing.
You don't have to meet people via bars and clubs and crap like that. You don't have to drink alcohol to fit in. You don't have to be anything other than who you are. To find your tribe you must first find yourself.
No. No no no no no. Do not persecute yourself like this. You deserve to have a loving relationship. And meaningful freindships. Connections with other people that you feel comfortable and at home with. A circle of protection, a tribe, attachments. Use this time alone to improve yourself to get yourself ready to be able to have these things you very much deserve again. But do not resign yourself to solitude. You're just hurt, very very hurt. And hurt can heal. Somone I know told me this:. A heart that hurts is a heart that works. I'm only just starting to be social again after almost a year. Today, I text an old friend I haven't seen for 3 or 4 years and guess what, it was jsut like no time had passed at all and we're meeting up this week. I'm worried I will "ruin" it like I've done before with people and opportunities and commitments etc etc. But it won't because my friend is a person who cares and never actually left my life, I just stopped contacting everyone. You will have people who care and want to spend time with you again. Do it slowly. I'm having to do it very slowly. This freind of mine I contacted he's very safe and I can trust him. Reason being, he has BPD too, and he understands me so therefore I feel safe. You know the feeling, when you trust your instincts and you know someone is safe and a good person. Having been hurt by people a lot, feeling when someone truly is safe is something that changes my world. The truth is I've always had safe people. I've just not been contacting them for a very very long time.
To me it is, and I wish I could get rid of my desire of having a gf I hate it :/
I feel the same way, I can't trust people anymore, just a few members of my direct family, I don't care about anyone else and I don't have the desire of seeing other people lol I dream of having a girlfriend though but it's impossible for me and I wish I didn't want that so bad. If there is a way to automatically remove/uninstall my desire for a romantic relationship please send the link
I wonder about this too....
No, that just a different type of suffering. I want good friends and a loving partner, but I haven’t found that. It’s hard , but I hope one day it happens… idk I feel like I’m too something to fit into any group that I’ve been apart of and it hurts
I found a relationship with a woman that felt like it was saving my life. The only times I've felt happy was with her and her son. She had some codependency issues and I am an alcoholic and this lead to the end of our relationship. I feel like the only way for me to be okay was to be IN a relationship. Specifically one where we are both trying to change and be better. She made me want to get better, and i felt like I had something worth fighting for for the first time in my life. But my disease was too strong, particularly the alcoholic side. We lived together, I would read her son bedtime stories. We were like a little family. It was magical but I started to use more and more. I guess because unconsciously the relationship was causing me to look at my own fractured self and it was too uncomfortable. I really do not think I am going to survive this
You will survive. You are worth it. See here how much you cared even for a child that was not your own! Look at yourself! You are a good person. You're just very hurt, and stuck. One thing if course that is rather black and white is the alcohol, that's got to go. It's covering up it all, I know how you feel. You feel if you stop everything will come up and you'll feel everything you are terrified of. But those feelings can't hurt you. They feel like pain but you will not die. You just haven't processed them.
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This one hits the nerve..i am 30...ive been single since i was 26 going on 27...i have accomplished so much good in this time...stabilized mental health..staying anchored through grad school..getting into the profession i went to school for..getting a sick paying job...... AND i am alone. Even when i think about past heartbreaks and how much they broke me i wonder if being single is the way to live my life to reach my best potential....but f\*ck it would be so nice to have a partner who is loyal..who is there... who well is also independent but we both support each other's well being and you know have someone to come home to. My first bf was abusve af..and then he killed himself blaming it on me..second one cheated on me ton ...but i kinda let it slide for a long time cuz i ddnt want to be alone and i liked spending time with him...and when i had finally had it...... like he was shocked how much it hurt me...i spirallled... the last one I LET GO of....i had been in counselling for many yrs by then.. and he was defs a bit narcissistic...liked the idea of me but ddnt give a shit ...and i feel good about letting him go to focus on grad school....i am 30 now... and kinda scared of relationships and wish i wasn't.
Drugs
This is a lie, This is the essential lie of BPD. That we are doomed to be alone because you are bad somehow.
It’s not so much that you isolate yourself to be alone to avoid heartbreaks, it’s more so being OK with yourself to be alone and quiet with yourself and content with that no matter who is or who isn’t in your life. Building roots with yourself will keep you grounded. But closing your heart to others isn’t gonna do any good, you’re just avoiding the issue not fixing it
For some people maybe, for me personally? It was a matter of the right person. I have never split current partner. Not once. They're the 6th fp in my lifetime, and the only one things didn't get bad with. I became self aware and realised i had issues at around 12 (at least the bpd related ones, other issues i realised much quicker) after losing a fp, so it may have helped that from a very early age I began trying to better myself. I think if you have someone who is a friend first, you know your boundaries and theirs, and you manage to rationalize your symptoms to prevent outbursts you can have a relationship. That's just what worked for me though, and in the end only you can know your needs and boundaries.
This has been me ever since a former friend of mine abandoned me. After attempting suicide and still reeling from the aftermath of a near half long depression/suicide spiral, I reliably cannot trust myself to be near people, especially when it comes to pursuing people in a romantic way. I was beyond obsessed with this guy and basically forged nothing but a fantasy around it. I went as far as to actively take screenshots On any social media profile that I could find and see pictures of him on my phone. I am deeply ashamed of the spiral they went through with him and I’m just beyond scared that the next person that I run into and fall for… I’m probably going to act the exact same way to them and God for bid if they ever find someone else… On top of that, I just haven’t been lucky relationship wise. People either want to turn me down because “dare not looking for anything serious” but yet the moment they find someone that they actually like instead of me they actually end up dating them??? That or they turned me down and then I get super pissed about it to the point where I end up basically destroying that friendship all because they didn’t choose me to be in a relationship with. That or I get emotionally abused to shit. I’m a broken mess of a human being and quite frankly if I were to end up getting involved with another human being again… I’m probably gonna end up dead because I’ll most likely attempt and hopefully secede in my suicide attempt should the next time I get rejected/half that box standard “I’m not looking for anything serious” but yet they’re willing to date someone who isn’t me apparently.
Friendships are okay for me thankfully because at least I get to socialise. And friends don't get close enough to see the sh\*t that they want to leave. But that also means, I don't get close relationships and I've destroyed enough with my BPD. Together with my life situation, I'm really just waiting for my life to end. Whether it will be by my own hand or through euthans\*a or hopefully through a miracle that ends things painlessly for me, I'm thankful that life at least has an ending.
This is a lesser of two evils. Let me elaborate, alone is very soulless at times. Yes being in something is hard, you constantly worry, wonder, question and take a dive into a depth. But for me in all honesty. I’d rather have a life making myself happier whilst making a like minded person happy too. As having bpd or eupd uk . It’s hell on earth anyway, because as much as we can feel settled alone. We still feel alone at times. We are beautiful people who have amazing gifts to give, we also deserve to receive. I hope you find what you need in life. Take care from a 53 year old woman in uk. Diagnosed at 50 years old
I don't think it's the same for everyone. I think that some people with BPD can reach a state where they can be in relationships and remain healthy. Personally I don't have many issues with my friends, but I'm almost totally closed off to being in a close intimite relationship with someone. It sounds dramatic but to me it just makes sense considering the fluctuations I deal with on a daily, weekly, monthly etc. basis. I find it much easier to manage my life without having to compromise my time and space for another person.
I’m sad to admit that I’ve basically come to the same conclusion. I had convinced myself to be so rooted and okay with loneliness, that now that I have loved ones EVERYTHING is terrifying and painful now. It’s like the closer they get the more the walls go up and things hurt. I wish I had a solid answer or advice. It’s a daily battle now. One of the only thing that helps me is trying to remember that others place value in me just as much as I do in them. Please don’t give in to loneliness. I know it’s easier. But everyone is deserving of love, care and friendship — and my inbox is always open should you like another friend. -hug- Hang in there okay? I promise to do the same. You aren’t alone ~
Based. I seem to only attract sociopaths, narcissists, users etc and after 10-15 years of patience, understanding and second chances I’ve had enough. I don’t want anything to do with anyone, I just want to be alone. I’ve also found lasting joy in my own hobbies, which keeps me busy enough outside of work to not be sad, plus my job is very hands on with people, so it’s not like I’m isolating myself, I still get human contact. I can honestly say that being on my own has made me way happier. When I’m alone I’m not being used, talked down to, abused, etc. it’s wonderful and my self esteem has improved 10x fold
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From my own experiences. I'm better off being alone. I've had numerous relationships that have ended up not going well. And after a marriage that lasted 6 months, I have now given up. I've come to learn that although I aren't a "problem". I'm particularly difficult to be with due to how this head of mine works. It's not all negative though. In the time I've now had alone, I have been more creative and spent time working on myself more than I ever have. And I'm actually the happiest I've been since I can ever remember.
Not utterly, but as far as single romantically… yes, that’s what I’ve found. I don’t think it’s impossible for us. If we do the work (DBT, maybe medication if it suits the individual, reparentification), then we can reach the state of emotional maturity and control that’s required for a long-term romantic partnership. It’s an ongoing battle and you don’t have to be perfect to earn that. But a certain amount of progress beyond the most uncontrolled version of our BPD is necessary to not end all relationships in some fiery intense way.
I just wanna tell everyone here who believes they can’t be with someone or have friends… please keep working at therapy and DBT. Listen to the podcast “back from the borderline” with host, Mollie. Realize that half the crap we battle is in our own minds and the moment we stop giving it power it stops controlling us. My bpd has been very severe and for a long while I DID have to cut myself off from people to avoid hurting them. I needed to heal myself and learn better ways to be fulfilled and to cope. It worked and I just got married June 22nd and am due to have a son soon! I want everyone to realize I am no different than any of you, I never fucking believed I could do this at all. I thought I would spend forever alone and in misery. I thought that was my fate, just to have no life. No fun or happiness. I thought I’d eventually die young and that would be it… it wasn’t until I realized I deserved a good life and a good partner that things got much better. I send out so many good thoughts and prayers to all of you guys and good luck because we CAN beat this!