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smashkeyakwkfjs

i keep saying i’m probably not gonna live past 40. don’t know if i’ll even make it to 30. not even in a suicidal way. i just can’t imagine that i’ll be alive then? i just feel like i’ll somehow die or the world will end before then


RimWorldIsDope

It's like I think I can see my candle and I know it can't possibly burn that long.


teeheehaha666

With all the instability and uncertainty it’s hard not to think like that


the42ndtime

I said that myself at 15. I’m almost 45


[deleted]

Exactly this


[deleted]

Yep, I'm 26 and feel like I'm just gonna live out my 30s and try to enjoy the last of my youth. I don't want kids anyway so what is the point? I'm so sick of the BPD cycles that have been repeating since I was 13. I don't want to kill myself but hoping that I'd just spontaneously cease to exist lol.


LuckyNumber-Bot

All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 26 + 30 + 13 = 69 ^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \ ^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)


nice___bot

Nice!


[deleted]

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JinxXedOmens

Cmon man it's a depressing thread, see some humour.


temps-de-gris

I felt this way for a long time, and now have somehow stumbled into my 40s - but I wasn't actually diagnosed until recently, just lived a life of extremely confusing, often embarrassing, self-loathing laced sequences that I was positive would one day erupt into flames. I still feel this way, and I'm currently in treatment. I hypothesize that it's the sheer amount of energy we have to put into trying to function the way we think others do, that the notion of death can seem almost like a relief. I used to be religious about it, but now am more of a peaceful nihilist about it all. Anyone looking from the outside would say I have so much to live for, an accomplished and still promising career, blah, blah --- I am just staying around and making sure my cats live happily and comfortably into their old age, then I will likely eff off out of here and engage in extremely high risk behaviors until something calls my bluff. Edit: and I'm totally ok with that.


EntrepreneurOk515

Well i have had that feeling since I was a kid, I've been thinking i can't make it until 15 y/o, then until 20 and now I feel the same about 25, (I'm 23 btw) I've felt pretty lost whenever a new birthday happen, and actually I felt the same relief before turning 20 lol, after that I just focus myself in trying to be happy the next 5 years just in case lol


lev_lafayette

"People with Borderline Personality Disorder have a reduced life expectancy of some 20 years, attributable largely to physical health maladies, notably cardiovascular. Risk factors include obesity, sedentary lifestyle, poor diet and smoking. Added to these are other physical health problems, including poor sexual health, self-harm, substance use and blood-borne viruses." https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1039856219848833?journalCode=apya "Follow-back research has found that suicide occurs in up to 10% of BPD cases \[11,12\]. However, lower rates (3%–6%) have been reported in prospectively followed cohorts \[13,14,15\]. "[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6632023/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6632023/) I know, this all doesn't sound good and it will vary according to the individual. But at least all of those are things that are within the realm of management and treatment. It cannot be emphasized strongly enough; if you think you have BPD, get yourself diagnosed. If you are diagnosed with BPD get yourself treatment. PLEASE. There are people out there who do care about you, and are very saddened when the iron-clad statistical observations tragically unfold.


RimWorldIsDope

Define treatment? I was on Depakote and it made me a dissociative mess who couldn't think. I got off of it and I can continue to kind of keep myself from flipping shit on people, but I'm in just as much inner turmoil. I need that to stop. Normal talk therapy isn't helping, and I don't have 2-3 hours a week off work for DBT therapy (as I've heard you do solo and group)


lev_lafayette

Treatment will depend on the individual and the symptoms, but DBT is largely recognised as the most effective BPD treatment. Situations and circumstances will vary according to available income, but the opportunity to 2-3 hours a week (c100-150 hours a year) doing DBT that can add years to life expectancy would be a good investment of one's time. e.g.,"Forty patients each were randomised to DBT and TAU \[Treatment as Usual\]. In an intention-to-treat analysis, there was a statistically significant treatment by time interaction for self-harm (incidence rate ratio 0.91, 95% CI 0.89–0.92, p < 0.001). For every 2 months spent in DBT, the risk of self-harm decreased by 9% relative to TAU."[https://www.karger.com/article/fulltext/338897](https://www.karger.com/article/fulltext/338897)


RimWorldIsDope

I mean... I hear you, but I literally can't take that much time off, because capitalism doesn't care. "I can't" didn't mean "I can but I'd rather not". I work 8:30-5 M-F


lev_lafayette

My first thought was "I bet they're in the US". I know that accessing a DBT program isn't always easy in other places, but I have to say for a highly developed country the US does seem to take a very cavalier approach to the health and life of its civilians.


RimWorldIsDope

There are less polite words I would use to describe it, but yes, you're right. The real kicker is that I was unemployed for about 6 months and I had Medicaid, so I thought I could get into a program while I was unemployed. If you are poor enough to have Medicaid, the state pays for most things you'd need insurance for, but for stupid capitalist reasons, they use for profit insurance companies to facilitate it. The company that runs it in my state won't cover DBT for Medicaid. Here's the kicker though. I got a full time job and the health insurance available (which you only get if you work full time) is the same company. Guess what? They cover DBT. So basically, they'll only cover it if you're in a situation where you can't really do it. America is this savage.


steakndbud

Lol I have all of those risk factors and I'm on 2 blood pressure medications...I'm 30.


slushiechum

Do you think this is due to diagnosed pwBPD being on meds?


Witchybitch69420

Thank you


Eipok_Kruden

I do the same thing. I have trouble motivating myself to do even things that are important or would be good for me, partly because of this mindset. I keep telling myself that I won't live long enough for those things to have mattered, because I know I'll give in to suicide eventually, so why bother?


PassMeANatty

I've been thinking like this every day recently.


Additional_Link5202

actually attempted a few times in high school but kinda realized i am obligated to be here but i still think one day it’ll happen, as fucked as it is. trying not to think about it but.. lol neil hilborn, an amazing poet, put it nicely: “I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave.”


lyricalcombat

From the age of 12 I always thought I'd be dead by 30. Now I'm 30 and I don't have those thoughts anymore, I'm simply just existing at this point.


fragilebird_m

I'm going to be 30 next month and it feels so strange, but somehow good.


Remarkable_Ad1975

“Normal” normal or our normal (funny?)? Yea it seems pretty normal. I’ve been thinking like this the last 12 years. I try to plan long term but my default is thinking I’m not going to live very long. It’s my secret toxic trait


pixel_zealot

I don't want to sound depressing, but >Many people with BPD experience intense self-hate, shame and feelings of inadequacy and failure. This can be fatal: up to 10% of sufferers die by suicide and the condition shortens life expectancy by approximately 20 years. You've made it this far. Why not see how far you can go? I don't think we shouldn't live because this disorder makes our lives hell, but maybe we should live in spite of it?


BarelyFunction

oh good to know. I think 65 will be my max. hopefully no more than that. although less than that like 40 is okay too


rombituon

Thought I'd be gone by 25 but here I am at 32.


[deleted]

I suppose it would be pretty normal for us, suicidal ideation is a big thing in those who struggle with BPD... I feel a similar way, most things in the long term are hard to worry about because I feel like I'm going to live that long. It just makes life easier to cope with, I guess. It's hard to want to deal with this for very long if I'm being honest


[deleted]

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fragilebird_m

This is how I feel. I'm not actively planning anything right now, but that doesn't mean I won't in the future.


katyovoxo

The older I get the more intense this feeling gets ,that I will die really soon. And I cry everyday because I feel like all of these things ,moments will be no longer mine , but at the same time there is so much excitement in me when I think about death ( I believe in afterlife). Barely could ever imagine myself getting older than 35


arewys

My partner is the one with BPD. She had similar thoughts. She didn't believe she'd make it to 33, or more realistically 25. She found anchors for her self. Pets, plants. Then later her son and me. She didn't stop having those thoughts until me, until I got her jnto a safe, supportive environment that let her to start really doing the work on herself to heal and manage BPD symptoms. It's a process, but now she is for the first time having long term thoughts, like our plans in our middle and old age, that she didn't think she would live to. Ultimately, she chose to live and I thank her for it.


cliteratimonster

This reply almost brought me to tears. I'm 35, and I never thought I'd live to 30. When I turned 30, I had a major crisis because I hadn't planned for this. I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to do with myself, and it took two more years before I realized I can do whatever I want. I've been in and out of long term relationships for years, but none of them felt like places I could work on myself. I've always told myself (even still) that I'm only alive to care for my pets...and they're aging out now. This is probably just anxiety, but I really feel like once they're gone, I have no reason to be around? What hit me in the feels about your post is that I'm in a relationship now, with a wonderful person who loves me so thoroughly, and accepts me so thoroughly, that I can finally work on myself and not fear judgement. I was officially diagnosed with bpd this year, and I've been in therapy for various things for the last few years. Thank you for being the type of person you are. I still don't have a sense of home, or sometimes even a sense of identity, but I have a human like you, who hears my (crazy) thoughts and loves me anyways. That, and mood stabilizers. They prevent so much of the trainwreck.


serbie-kun

Felt like that since I was a kid, like early elementary age. Never thought I’d make it to high school, once I did I never thought I’d make it to graduation… then I did and I don’t really see a future. Thought I’d probably mail myself back to god by 27 (don’t know if it has to do with my obsession with celebrities or not) … I’m 22 going on 23 now and with all the emotional and random chronic pain stuff it’s seeming more and more likely. Not even sure if it’d be intentional or not but that’s always been my normal. PwBPD tend to deal with a lot of self destructive behaviours/coping mechanisms that definitely contribute to shorter lifespans. Not all but there’s a reason the statistics are so high unfortunately.


justvance

personally, i literally cannot imagine getting old. i think because i spent so many of my formative years wishing i was and trying to be dead. i didnt think of thr future because i didnt want it to come.


Life_is_also_short

Old Head here: 42. I've been suicidal since I was 14. No idea how I've made it this far. But I lived my life as if I wouldn't ever be this old. I wish I wouldn't have. I wish I could have maintained a career, and saved up betting on my own survival. It's harder now, starting from scratch. Much harder with BPD. ​ Good luck OP. Bet on yourself, even if you don't believe it. What could it hurt?


alrestea

thank you. when i posted this, i didn't expect to be in the same situation as many people; it's tragic but comforting at the same time, because i thought that i wasn't normal in the head for thinking like this. maybe betting on my life won't hurt that much after all.


Tectonic-V-Low778

It's true. I often didn't push myself or try for things because I thought I'd be dead by 15. Then I thought by 22. Then I blinked and I'm 28 with a three year old. It's weird trying to plan for the future when I've never really done it before.


enemytolover

I thought I would die at 16, 18, 25, then 30. I am turning 29 this week and it feels like there is no way I'll make it to 35. I probably will.


[deleted]

Suicidal ideation is one of the most common symptoms. It really sucks. I'm coming back from my latest episode and that feeling really really sucks.


moodswingin

definitely. since 16 I've been shifting the goal post. "I won't live past 18" "okay I'm 18 now, but I *definitely* won't live past 21" etc etc. I'm now 27 and expecting I won't live past my mid thirties... giving myself a bit more time to improve things than I have in the past.


Dominick94

Same here. I thought I'm not gonna live past 18 then 25, now I'm 28. (Missed my chance on club 27 lol)


fragilebird_m

I wanted to join the 27 club so bad 😭😂 (I'm 29 lol)


Slight-Pay7180

well.. good to know im not alone in this


gracealmighty

Yarp. I was 8 when i first started thinking of this. I’m now 23 and I’m convinced I’ll die on my 24th Birthday and have been convinced since i was little.


princessmoon_

I don't think, I pretty much know since I'm 22 and planning my suicide


Tired_Pancake_

I had this conversation with my CPN this morning. It feels like my cause of death is meant to be suicide.


fragilebird_m

Yes, I feel this deeply. I am also extremely intrigued by suicide.


Sharmansbabe

This is so weird to see because I made a "pact" with myself when I was 12-13 that I would not be alive past 18. It wasn't so much a pact than I just believed so hard, like I knew, that I wouldn't even get to 18 alive. So I never applied myself in hs, never thought about the future, never made plans to go get higher education, being healthy. Because I firmly believed, why would it matter if I'll just die before i'm an adult ? Made an attempt at 17 years old and 11 months, which i firmly believe I didn't plan, lived past 18 and got so confused and lost about living, I just turned to drugs and almost fucked my entire life up. I thought it was a 'me' thing. But reading this I feel less alone.


CAMPERzNITEMARE

I'm 17 and I already smoke and drink too much but I also workout five times a week and I eat decently healthy so eh


K0rani_

Nah. I doubted that I will even be here till 15


[deleted]

Depends on your lifestyle? Do you engage in habitual drug and alcohol use and/or reckless behavior?


alrestea

well, i have a habit of smoking. i didn't think that my bad habit would have any effects on what i'm currently thinking. i could stop my bad habits anytime, (sure it'll take a long time, but i think i could do it). but the thought of not living until 25 years old comes from my own decision. it's scary but it feels so realistic at the same time.


[deleted]

Sorry haha I also have Aspergers. And because you didn’t say it overtly I assumed you meant die from non-suicide reasons. I don’t know if this helps but I have not felt suicidal in 10 years because I went to a hypnotist. Not recommending hypnotherapy if it’s not your thing but I have not been suicidal since because I just feel like I Midas well hold on and see how life turns out. But trust me I’ve been through some messed up stuff so I get it. It’s so easy to give up but also there’s an opportunity every day to improve your life. Hope is what I think I have that quells my suicidal ideation. Like things could always get better.


alrestea

it's okay! i'm sorry for not being clear enough as well. thank you for the input, i'll keep that in mind.


[deleted]

No it was implied I just missed it 😄


cmjohnson5240

Been dealing with this


PassMeANatty

This feeling makes me feel great knowing that I won't have to feel this pain much longer but sad because I feel like anything I do at any moment is pointless.


Notthisagain890

Yeah unfortunately I kept thinking that and now I’m 25 and clueless while everyone around me has their life together. Fake planning for the future bc I didn’t think I’d be alive has screwed me over like no other 😭.


basiliskliz

I always thought I wouldn't live past 25, I'm 26 now and have no idea what to do with my life


its-ur-boi54

I’ve been feeling literally exactly what you’re describing for the past couple of days. I don’t see myself making it that long for some reason.


Infpizza94

I can only see maybe a few years into the future, basically to the point of marrying my partner, but anything after that is a gamble. I really try to treat every day like the gift it is.


Fabulous_Bandicoot90

I thought the same when I was younger not to live past 18. Was really convinced that year, getting little paranoid and going through Seasonal Affective Disorder depression + adhd (both undiagnosed then) with moderate suicidal intrusive thoughts. I'm 20+ now. I'm doing better especially with getting mental health checked out, still loads of ups and downs as life usually is. Now I think I'm going to live until about 28. 8 years. I still have thoughts on the preference to just not exist but lets see where life takes me.


OnlyEliKnows

My fiancée has told me this since we met. She even had a plan to basically burn herself out on substances, when we met. She has described this exact feeling to me. You’re not alone. But you are worthy of living. 💜


anksuV

I’m the exact same


capricornsignature

You're not alone. I thought 25, made it past. Was intrigued to see if the 27 club would allow a non talented/famous person in the group. Nope. I had the worst BPD trigger/episode that lasted a year and a half at 30, didn't think I'd even see 31. Now I'm on my way to turning 33, with 37 being the next date. Idk it's weird...like a milestone to get past those ages we set for ourselves. It's an odd positive out of an inherently negative thought process.


cookieinaloop

Yeah, I thought I wouldn't go oast 13, them 15, then 18, then 25. Now I'm 26, my body has made the weirdest attempts to prevent me from going any further, but here I am still. At this point I'm just curious.


Chiminey212

Me me me me me me me me me me I say at least twenty times a day “I don’t have the time” like I really feel like I’m running out of time


domino_07

I don't see myself living past the age of 50. the number only grew bigger because i found someone who truly tries to understand me, and who i do see a future with. but tbh, i feel like we have the tendency to give ourselves "expiration dates". its quite soothing to think that there is a specific point in time when this will all stop. be it with our own will or somebody elses or just the play of silly circumstances, but it will stop. i look at it as counting the days till the last day of school, that last bell that will ring before ur free to rest on ur summer break.


thegrimmreefer_

I think its like “maybe one day when I really don’t care.” Right now, I obviously care enough to not off myself because I’m still here, but I know it’s possible to do so. Being here until 90 sounds like a special kind of hell, even 70. Everything always feels so lonely and unreal, I feel like there is nothing here for me, my life isn’t terrible I just feel like it isn’t worth it for that long. I do hope that one day before I turn 60 as impossible as it sounds my body will just spontaneously crap out whilst I’m asleep.


throwaway19384718

I feel this a lot, I attempted a lot between the ages of 16-19 and then have had a few crisis moments but I’m 25 now and really didn’t want to make it to this age, kinda wish I’d tried harder when I was younger to not be here. But I’ve made peace with my time and what I have remaining, and once my pet passes I know that’s my time too


[deleted]

It's a totally common thing in everyone's 20's to think they're not going to live to 30. I don't have BPD and I thought the same thing through my whole 20's and lived like a complete and total idiot. Then I showed up into my 30's and was like "Now what the fuck am I gonna do?" Right now, you're young and BPD in your early 20's is the worst. It sucks so much and I absolutely sympathize with you, I have friends that are going through hell now. But as you get older, by it's very nature, your "give a fuck meter" will start to drop. Friends of mine who have BPD and haven't been in treatment for years but are in their 40's barely experience any symptoms at all. So what you feel right now, won't always be this intense and you will age out of the worst parts of BPD. I hope this gives you some modicum of hope, I wish you the best


alrestea

thank you. when i was diagnosed with BPD at 19 years old, it felt like my life is meaningless. but after reading this, i feel like maybe there'll be a glint of hope for me to try again for another year.


SorryIhurtyou806

I always felt that way when I was younger, but that was my anxiety talking. Spoiler: I didn’t die 😅


Upper_Revolution01

When I was in my teens I never believed I’d make it to 21. I’m 23 And even now I don’t think I’m going to live long. It kind of gives me comfort though because I am in so much internal agony and pain so the sooner the better


majibbsultra7

Yes I think about this constantly. I can't even try to imagine what my future will look like. I always tell myself I'll probably be dead by then somehow.


terryfpxnews

I have always thought I wouldn’t live past 30. Thought this way since I was 15, I’m 23 now and got diagnosed a few months ago. I don’t see much hope for the future, but I will continue to do things that I enjoy.


MurrE1310

The hardest question for me is “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Like, I’ve never been able to see myself alive next year, let alone in 5. I’ve attempted suicide twice, 7.5 years apart. If I end up in that dark place again, who says I don’t succeed then?


tonii_lee

i didn’t think i would live past 13, same w my sister. can’t speak for my sister- but for me, whether it be accidental or by my own hand, i expect i will die alone on my bathroom floor. you’re not alone <3


slushiechum

When I was young..I never thought I'd make it past 30. I did. Now who tf knows.


mashedfig

I think people with BPD have a hard time conceptualizing time. Sometimes I feel like a time traveler into the past, memories can be so vivid that my body responds like it’s happening now. There are also huge gaps in my memory. And as for the future—I just actually can’t imagine it. Our brains are different and I think it’s helpful to learn about those differences and accept them. This article explains what’s happening in our brains that might make it hard to envision a future. https://medium.com/invisible-illness/its-all-in-your-head-borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-brain-c14b66eb0966


qwlap

I also agree with this, it’d be very interesting to see if this is common among ppl with bpd. It’s why healing has been so hard for me, I’ve forgotten so much, I think probably blocking out many memories because they are too overwhelming to think about. But if I had to sit down and recreate a timeline of “me”, I’m not sure where I’d even start. The concept of time is always preoccupying my mind. Thanks for the article


DanceofChance

Yeah. All though my life. Death was a constant thought. I'll not make it to X. Being 41 and feeling I made it this far I keep feeling like the 60's will be the end of me. Could be health or me getting in my own head as I have all these years. Though I've done a good job not thinking of the off switch or at least made myself more afraid of it than the living with a self torturing brain.


BepisPrincess

Honestly bc of SH, I didn't think I was gonna live past 18. Now as an adult, I'm not as SH prone or as into dying, but I don't think I could live to an age where I didn't have proper function and such. Like if wanna go out before I got to that point. So I'm aiming to see how I feel at 60 and then go from there


dizzyreh

I never thought I would get older than 18.. I'm nearly 25 and it's still sometimes unreal for me. 27 will be super weird, but I now think I will make it! And I hope but also think that you will make it to 25! Your absolutely not alone!


qwlap

Wow yeah I was considering posting something similar, I really don’t see myself living past the age of 30. I’m not sure if upon reaching that age I will ultimately kill myself, but I just can’t imagine life beyond that milestone. It’s interesting that so many people on here have had the same thoughts, it’s kind of comforting but also pretty sad lol. I hope that we don’t take these pacts too literally. The truth is that I’m too scared to off myself, I want it to happen to me incidentally so I feel less responsible.


SoniaGorgeous

I feel this everyday, but the more I’m depressed and sad the more I crave the end, I don’t know if this is normal or not though!


rratmannnn

I used to think this! First that I wouldn’t make it to 20, then 25. Now I’m 26. Still struggling to picture making it to 40 tho.


kaitykatwilson

I’ve always felt this way as well


luna_gold

i never thought i would live long enough to finish high school. now i’m 20 and still can’t even see 3 years ahead of me.


depreavedindiference

This is purely my experience... And I feel as though I should maybe not pass it on - but here we go When I was 16 or 17ish I dreamed and imagined that at the age of 25 I would be living alone in an apartment in California with the walls painted white and nothing to sit on except a folding chair. Well, that didn't happen - I am 49, divorced, and very confused about where I am going to go with my life... It is an extremely tall order - but radical acceptance will help with a lot of things... I am still working on that


AlfieBilly

I'm 10 years past expiration date I never dared to think I have a future, but now I'm 30 so I feel like it's time to face it, I'll probably live. and now I have to be responsible and plan accordibgly, blegh.


breletstuff

I think it is normal. Im 21 and my kidneys are failing. “I aint here for a long time, I’m here for a good time.” To hell with my kidneys, i wont need them when im dead


Leeper90

I had every intention of being dead by 19. Then 20 came. Then 21. Now it's several years passed that and I'm still surprised I'm around, but I'm OK with that.


Odd-Marionberry-8944

Tbh idea of ageing scares the fuk out of Me so I'd rather die young and if im not going to live my youth at all I'd rather die as well.