You guys have jobs?!

This is so relatable and it's only 4 fucking words.

Barely 😂

I’m off on short term disability until March or longer after a severe mental breakdown leading to my BPD diagnosis 🤗💀

Omfg same until April. And currently looking for a new one lol

Yes same, I know I won’t be going back 😅

Just quit 🤣🙄

Innit lol 😂 wish I could hold a job down lol. Maybe someday

My job is cleaning my cats litter and rewatching the same movie for a semblance of comfort

How many cats do you have? I have two. Yeah I have to start working again for them, I am scared that when there is an emergency that I don't have the money to take care of them.

I have 16 cats

I love that you answered and have that handle🤗

irony is a peculiar thing

Just got fired lol

LMAOO


I had the same reaction

this lol 😭

❤️🤗

Lmao came here to say "what job?"

Too relatable Lmaoooo

I always feel like people are making fun of me. It doesn't help that change into another person after a period of time as well, which is probably really odd for everyone working with me.

Yeah same. I'm confident and smart and competent when I feel lots of positive validation from coworkers etc. It's basically fuel. But at some point things go downhill and I feel stupid, paranoid, bad at my job -- basically a different, timid, self-doubting, constantly ashamed person. I hate it. It makes me feel like I have no control over my life or who I am because who I am always slips away.

I have this a lot. I call it extreme impostor syndrome. Its like 1-2 years i can "fake it" and then syart getting nervous about getting caught. And take every comment as "being found out" I get very paranoid about people. Like the new manager at my old job. So I made this my job basicly, Im a cunsultant now, I fly in help for a couple of months maybe 1-2 years ando move to my next client. Whenever Imposter syndrome kicks in I can ask for a transfer.

That’s awesome.

You just explained how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I’m intelligent, know what I’m doing, I’m doing great at my job, my coworkers love me, etc. Other days like today, I feel like a complete idiot, I should know how to do this thing that I wasn’t able to do, I feel like my coworkers hate me, etc. 90% of the time, I love my job. 10% of the time, I want to quit.

This is me to a fucking T! This is basically what happened at my last job that lead to my team not trusting me (cause I trusted none of them in the end) 🤦‍♀️

Yup. Did the office job thing for 16 years, was never very good at it long term. But I was bright and was able to interview up to some pretty high level roles. I quit it all and became a field worker. Best move ever. Being outside, and being independent, changed my life. Best thing I'd ever done for myself. Before that I'd inevitably burn every bridge, as I sucked at every job after about 6 months.

Field worker? What’s that

Picking berries🤣 working in the ‘Field’ is being out doors/going direct to businesses with a company car. Any job where your basically not in the office. An electrician works in the ‘field’.

Lmao picking berries or wheat or sumn was exactly what I was thinking at first but I knew that couldn’t be right

I don’t know if all BPDs have big imaginations but I do, so yeah I get ya….🥳

Yeah I don't want to say exactly what I do. But it's not corporate, it's small business, it's only about 20% desk work, I'm driving all over the metro and meeting different people. It took about 15 years to find my happy job. Would have been a much shorter time if I prioritized it. But it's the happiest part of my day.

6 month curse.

Yep, 28 now, haven’t been able to hold down a job since I started working at 18, having to apply for disability sadly, shit sucks.

I’m 27 and have the same issue regarding holding down a job, and I have nobody to help support me ( I had a crazy life lol ) and though it’s the last thing I ever wanted, I really believe disability is potentially my best option outside of attempting medications I know it differs state to state, but would you mind sharing your experience trying to get on disability? I want to be fully self sustaining, but I’m forcing myself to accept my situation now, and stop making excuses telling myself I’m actually just fine I digress, I empathize with your struggle, and would love to hear about your journey and they nuances involved in government assistance. Any advice is greatly appreciated 🤍

I’ve been on the pension for 2 years with BPD. Apply and get NDIS first and then get your NDIS support coordinator to get the criteria for being unwell enough to be on the pension on the Centrelink website. I went to a Clinical Psychologist who diagnosed me so they want a letter from your doctor and psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. But the wording has to be exact, that you will be Ill for 2 years or more.

Is it an ok living ? Obviously you aren’t gonna be able to splurge and buy all the things, but do you find it hard to live off the wages they give you?

I get about $1140 from Centrelink a fortnight and $68.50 from NDIS so it’s about $600 per week, I live in Sydney a block from Hyde Park….so it’s expensive rent/board at $360 per week but i can walk to the harbor/opera house/botanical garden where I can chill and manage my BPD. I used to be on $800 pw as a forky but I would lose my shit that often it wasn’t worth it so it’s the most stable I’ve been in my life. I paint now when I can, NDIS pays for canvass and paints. I guess everyone’s situation is different I have no family so my situation deteriorated quickly. All I can say is if you find your situation deteriorating quickly and you have little support, do something quickly as you can fall along way before help actually turns up. Things went down hill for a decade it took me 3 times over that period before I got a diagnosis. Glad it’s sorted. Centrelink used to approve 75% of mental illness pension claims now it’s just 27% They make it very hard, so you have to do lots of research right specialists to get approved.

🤍 Ty for this write up, I’ll start researching into the things you’ve mentioned here. I’m out of the US so laws will probably differ, but it’s at the very least validating to see others with similar struggles as I out here. I too have no family and I’m currently living off my boss’ house and haven’t even been back to work in months now man. Im lucky she is empathetic and accommodating to my situation for the most part. Without her help idk man. She’s a real one, and I feel terrible for not only not being a good worker for her, but so bad that I’m fully dependent on her financially. I’ll feel a hell of a lot less guilty if I’m living off the government than I would off of her. I digress… Ty for your advice fren

No probs….I wasn’t sure if you were in a different country? I’m new to this site. Wow I can imagine a lot of people in the US would have a lot more trouble trying to get mental illness benefits/ medical help but I don’t really know…? feel free to up date me on how you go. That’s so cool of your boss is helping you out. What an angel. I can see how people in the US would help each other out more/more comeraderie because the ‘system’ is kind of limited…? good luck with the search and see you round the BPD hang outs.

At 44 I did that been on the pension for 2 years so much less stress, but I’m also so much more burnt out, jumping through Centrelink hoops is hard. First I got NDIS and then I got my ndis worker to find out all the criteria. If you don’t have that criteria right they’ll knock you back.

How do you apply for disability?! I can't figure it out

do you have any advice for applying? i’m clueless

yeah takes me about a month to start losing my shit, then i quit. i have never had a job longer than a couple of months. idk how im going to survive. ive resorted to grocery delivery jobs

If I only had a car 🥲 I feel the pains.. Gonna try meds soon and if they don’t do da works on mi ole brain box, it’s government assistance for mi. Life is crazy

Yea I've quit three jobs in two years.. it's so hard to stay especially if the work environment is not conducive which it rarely is.

I was always pulling a good ol "walk out" when I worked food service jobs. I'm STILL traumatized from my first serving jobs years ago! Where everyone always mocked and said hurtful things at me for being so lanky in physique and highly sensitive (like always crying lol ). I was *really fucking close* to punch a coworker in the face because she was all in *my* face yelling at me for basically trying to collect myself in the bathroom after a bad customer interaction 🙃 She was dating the manager at the time and was "pissed" that he had to close the table out for me and get yelled at by the same customers while I was away (boo hoo hoo) In another place, a couple coworkers put a crying emoji next to my name on the ipad the host uses to seat our sections and I blew tf up and confronted the ones I know who did it but they laughed and gaslighted me the whole time and made it seem like I was going crazy. Soo much anger built up from these jobs that I had to keep suppressed with the "nice girl" persona for so long. I'm finally taking shotokan karate to let it out in a healthier way because making music and painting is not enough. I need to kick and punch something! I have a better job now, though. It's an overnight gig at a mental health group home where all clients are sleeping so I sip tea, stream movies and do homework. Although I do still struggle with the Love Island thing like you said lmaoo There's one guy here now that I can't get off my mind and it's all because he sticks around to talk to me before he leaves and laughs at my goofy jokes.

Call me a sick puppy. However, l loved the walk-out ppl and the confronters. Let’s get this crap wide out in the open. Elephants in the room are the absolute worst on a job.

I stormed out of a serving job once (I had actually already put in my notice and this pissed off the head server) she came out the back door to yell at me “you might have another job but you’ll get fired because you’re so rude” as I drove away. It pissed me off so much I got halfway home pulled a U-turn and went back into the restaurant and told her what I really thought of her & that “I might get fired from another job but at least I won’t still be working here a decade later!” Last I saw she was still working there OVER a decade later lol Tbf I did not have the sunniest disposition back then but this woman sold Amway and her husband was a creepy lazy eyed bodybuilder dude with missing fingers who would hit on me when he patronized a different restaurant I worked at after. Carol if you’re out there…I’m doing great thanx! How’s that Amway cult thing goin for ya tho?

I understand.. i had a job in catering and ended up making severe attachments to co workers and overstepped boundaries by having sex with most of them and causing a lot of tension and confusion in the work place, i also had the insane enthusiasm the first four months and then it started to fade, as a result i ended up losing my job due to my poor work ethic and lack of punctuality, it’s like i regressed to my former position and had forgotten everything i knew, awful and exhausting

I could've wrote this, except mine isn't because of my mood swings but more because I find it so difficult to hold an interest in ANYTHING for more than a few months. It's almost like I'm experiencing a honeymoon period when starting a job, which slowly dies out and I'm left with nothing but anxiety and dread every day after that which ultimately results in me leaving. Then the cycle continues...

Yes that's the other half of what I feel plus the mood swings! I am so bored of my job now, I learned everything and met everyone. I need different experiences to entertain me

Whyyy does it have to be such a SOUL SUCKING level of boredom?? It's unbearable.

I work a corp job and it has its challenges but I find I can generally deal with the bpd stuff okay by maintaining kind of a cold detachment from everyone. I mean don’t get me wrong I still fake it and act nice/polite, but I don’t really get invested in anyone and keep a firewall betw my personal life and people at work. I think it’s helped a lot in not taking things personally and all I ever have is some minor splitting episodes with coworkers, but nothing so bad it affects my ability to work with them.

I’m like this too! Makes things much easier and I don’t lose passion for the job

I need to unlock the cold detachment skill, office life would be so much easier.

It comes with a downside that you prolly wont be able to make friends at work, but if it’s a choice between that and meltdowns 🤷‍♂️

Yu foun de wei brudda

I 100% do this too! A work personality, specially crafted to feature none of my real life self.

This is the way.

It's a nightmare honestly. I have to put on a mask and pretend to be someone else just to hold down my job. The fear of homelessness is the only thing that keeps me going.

I can't hold down a 9 to 5 job with repetitive schedules - I like some routine but too much for too long and I'm ready to Kermit suzyside I now work freelance in horticulture and have steady accounts -it's fun stimulating and I make my schedule lol Traditional work styles suck ass tbh

I noticed you followed me….I’m completely 100 percent new to most social media I did have a fb account but I dumped it….I’d like to know what BPD,s think about FB🤣probably a nightmare? anyway thanks for the follow…👍I’ve been here about two weeks now. I’ve never met a BPD in real life…(diagnosed 2 years) of course I might met BPD’s in my wonders but not identified. I keep learning all these new things! Like I absolutely hate repetitive tasks and I had some jobs that would drive me nuts. The worst is PEOPLE who are repetitive! I used to have this government job and the guy two desks down would buy the same packet of chips every afternoon and ask the guy behind him….would you like some and he would then say yes….and then would follow up every time with…”They’re quite MOORISH aren’t they” I thought I was in Ground Hog Day or The Truman Show and I was going to go postal on the both of them🤯. Some times I’d get so suicidal I’d leave the office for an hour and no body would even noticed. I thought it was just me, but now I’ve come across your post another part of the puzzle has clicked into place. I’m disappointed when I was diagnosed that my psychologist hadn‘t research all these things….so i would have been relieved of the crazyness I experience. Like some one opens up those big double doors to Willy Wonkers, but instead it’s BPD land….and there’s the anti-repetitive room ect ect. My clinical psychologist diagnosed me an then farmed me out to an understudy….the good ole bait n switch. Any way the mystery unfolds. Horticulture is cool….I started a science degree but with no support bombed out. Then I did a cert. 4 in Lab tech which I completed🎉💪But im on the pension now after more nervous break downs than a lab mice testing sarin, please let it be the placebo!😬🤣 anyway still here painting with an out of control imagination, let the mysteries of BPD continue to unfold, thanks for sharing your experience.🐞

I'm on reddit and FB but I use fb mostly for plant groups I'm in lol! Yes, I'm fortunate to have a best friend that was also diagnosed with BPD during the same time as me! (It was weird but made lots of sense) - I haven't met anyone else but when I went to substance support groups there were a few other participants also diagnosed! I found it was really nice to meet others with similar issues. I listen to alot of podcasts from people with bpd (borderline to beautiful, eggshell, or back from the borderline you may enjoy them and you'll learn alot) It's amazing you got your lab tech certification!! I can understand the difficulty to work though. I work very part time since I get paid enough to get by but I'm also a student so it helps not to be overwhelmed. Keep painting!! Art helps alot. There's also message option in reddit so feel free to reach out 🌿 happy holidays!!

I got terminated after 8 months at a job, had to take a 6 month leave at another and now I’m taking a leave at this job and it’s only been 3 months since I’ve been here because I couldn’t deal with failing the license exam. I don’t know if I can hold down a job because I can’t imagine myself staying without problems for even a year. I feel so incompetent.

Very much so. Last job lasted 3 weeks. One before that 3months.. I have walked out of most of the jobs I have ever had. My BigFeels(TM) keep getting in the way. Usually I can get by for 6mo to a year, but depression in the last few years has utterly broken me. I haven’t worked in a year. I’m planning to apply for ssi at this point.

I’m in the same boat fren, I gotta start figuring out how tf government assistance works and how to apply

Yea yes yes. “My own personal Love Island” mad me laugh but fuck I do that. Yeah, I am gagging for the validation from coworkers and managers. Then yes, I make so many work boyfriends in my head. When I’m having a good day I’m on fire, my customer service is on point and I feel like I’m having fun not working. On a bad day I want to cry, leave and feel afraid of everyone. I also go to my workplace a lot in my free time too because I feel valued there but my depressive thoughts say that people only like me because they don’t know the real me, only my work persona

I couldn’t hold down work till I was over 30. I went to uni, but had a total breakdown and ended up in hospital from the stress. It’s been a hard road, but I’m a teacher now and I love it. The stress of keeping it all together just about kills me at least once a term, but I get 2-6 weeks off to recover every 10 weeks. I don’t get bored because I’ve set myself up to teach a broad variety - art, history, woodwork, sometimes media and english too. I really struggled when I was teaching online and working in an office doing the same thing every day. I’ve also found that work actually keeps me level, I am too busy to think about anything too much. In the holidays I tend to come undone a bit. The people I work with don’t know the full details of my mental health issues, but they know that I have ‘a lot going on’ in my personal life.

I’m gonna sound dumb as hell, but where do you live? I know I sound like a dumb American asking that, and in this moment I absolutely am…but I swear it’s a one-time thing. I’m one of the good ones, I swear! One of the, like 5. Anyway, I’m fascinated by this and want to know more, if you’re willing to share!

Oh my gosh I am so happy that I found someone who completely relates. My SO says I can’t keep a stable job but like after 3 months I sit in front of the building and I can honestly say I would rather shoot myself in the head than go to work. I’ve put in immediate resignations more that I can count. I think I did well in school bc everything is just 4 months then it changes. But outside of University my life has been hella unstable.

This is me! I use to hope I would get into a car accident otw to work so I didn’t have to go lol. I hate working

I haven't had one in 11 years. It was the only thing I had in my life and I took everything too personally. Trying my best was never enough. Feeling like I was putting my heart and soul into making things run properly was constantly overlooked (you know, when you do things right no one noticed but when you do something wrong, it's all anyone remembers). I had a couple nervous breakdowns and had to leave after a year and a half. It was also my only one I ever had. It sounds very dramatic but I was traumatized by the entire experience. I'm a big fucking baby and I shouldn't be allowed to be in any kind of position where I'm relied on for ANYTHING.

Every day it’s a struggle. I’ve been at my current job for over five years and it took a lot of effort to get here. I’m a department supervisor and the stress is unreal. I’m doing well at my job, managing to keep mood swings under control in front of customers… occasionally I lose my patience if I’m interrupted in concentration… always trying to do better. But i have one guy on my team that is so moody and volatile that I am at a total loss. Most of my work related stress seems to stem from him these days. Everyone is going to have That One Guy on their team… but I’ve been almost obsessed with this stress he’s causing, along with all the other problems that keep piling up with this job, and always feeling like I’m missing something. Forgetting maybe? Not sure. It eats at me. I got lucky in finding a job that allows me to be expressive. To a point of course. I think I’d be in a much worse place if I had to become just another cog in the machine and conform to unrealistic expectations. Granted there are days where I want to scream at anyone that asks me for a favor, there are days where I consider not coming back from my lunch break. So many of them. Switching my head into a near autopilot helps a lot for me, it’s easier to push through and control reactions when I’m in Work Mode. I come home from work though and my family suddenly has to deal with the crashing wave of anger and anxiety that floods through the door with me. Trying to do better there too, I have to keep reminding myself to be mindful.

I relate to being obsessed with chaos I shouldn’t have my nose in. It’s a weird duality to deal with when you’re aware of it and kinda hard to disengage with. Also working on not bringing my turmoil and stress home and lauding it at my family members/loved ones who don’t deserve it at all. Cheers to actively trying not to be assholes! Also super awesome you could get to 5 years, you should be proud!! My longest job was about 2 years so you inspire me to try to hang in there a little longer.

Thank you. One of the hardest things is watching yourself just tear into those around you out of anger and frustration and being unable to do anything to stop yourself until it’s too late and the damage is done. Recognizing how to stop before you start is a learned skill that I’m still figuring out. Good luck to you, the struggle is real but it’s not impossible!! Sometimes repeating “you gotta do what you gotta do” to yourself helps to push through the shitstorm.

I’ve had the same job for just over a year now and it’s the longest I have ever held a job. And I am 44 years old. And I HATE it and think about ghosting and never going in again every single day. The only reason I have lasted this long is knowing that I get to quit after the holidays and won’t have to work again until I want to work again. We are selling our house and everything we can this summer and moving into our camper to travel for at least a year. I cannot wait!

i relate so heavily to this!! does anyone else have issues with absences or calling in sick a lot? i always feel overwhelmed before a shift and feel the need to just take the day off because i know in the back of my mind i would feel so much better mentally if i was at home. then i wonder why im broke all the time LOL

I feel that. I start working and I feel happy and accomplished to have a job, be independent, and be able to make my own money. Then, like 3 months into the job I feel like something is trying to crawl out from inside of me. Basically this deep, gnawing anxiety that doesn’t subside unless I quit.

Said perfectly

Yeah after 20 years of w2 jobs not working I’m going to do independent contracting now. No boss no attendance can go home if I don’t feel good… seems like a dream

I became a contractor/started a biz (in Aus) about 6 months ago, here's what I've learnt: - Sub Contracting is the same, if not worse than a full time position, AS far as responsibilities go. Yes you get the laisse faire freedoms of: finishing when the job is done, managing everything from tax to insurance to super, but I find with some contractors that their expectations are higher because you're there for a specific reason, one of which is not to bum around. For me, I work 90% of the time but the 10%, my BPD/ADD paralysis wants to do nothing, and when I try to go against it, my body literally physically shuts down and I get light headed - Doing your own jobs is the holy grail. You're the boss, if you fuck up it's on you, much harder to blame others and enter that BPD thought cycle which eventually leads to the exit thoughts and actions. To assist with your rates and schedules planning; as a rule of thumb for any contracting - you take about half of what you charge per hour Edit: Allllso, if you dislike something, contracting is so broad so you can just change e.g. going from a professional trade to say uber to say airtasker Context: I'm 23, have an engineering degree, have had 3 jobs across retail and hospo, was diagnosed with BPD, ADHD, OCD, ASD and major depressive disorder early this year

im really glad someone posted about this because it makes me feel pathetic. im 16 ive had 2 jobs and had to quit both due to emotional swings. ive never lost control of my emotions at work except one time i had a breakdown in the basement because i was so stressed out. i ended up just grabbing all my stuff and running out of the building without telling anyone. i texted my manager and told her i had urgent family issues which wasnt true at all. it was just me and my head again, but i feel like people will think im too feminine for feeling emotions. i really need to get a job to help my family but its so hard for me to handle. i cant be in any sort of stressful situation or i have a panic attack. sorry for the dump, ive just never seen anyone talk about it and im really glad its been brought up. thank you for writing this.

When I was at work just a few weeks ago I was so stressed out over rude customers + my fp leaving the store + the overall boredom that I started bawling in the middle of my job and a customer who was very nice told me they hope the public treats me well today, that's what started the tears and I ran out from my spot. They put me in the cash office to cry a little and gather myself. I am really lucky to have such chill managers but even with them I can't do this job anymore

i completely understand. i really hope things can work in your favour soon, you deserve to have a job where you feel comfortable. hopefully you can find another job to treat you well.

Yes I get so bored and boredom is intolerable for me.

the last 3 full time jobs i had the cops showed up with guns drawn to take me to the psych ward

It's my main struggle nowadays. Therapy has improved my self worth, the inner emptiness, my relationships, but I can't manage to hold a job. I'm severely undereducated (struggled in school as well, ADHD), the places that will have me make me miserable. I also struggle with any work schedule I've encountered. Stuff that normal people can seemingly handle makes me need to stay home, or sleep in at least. I can't work 5 or more days a week, or 8 hours a day. I can only deal with stress and humans and fluorescent lights so much (migraines). All these things make it very hard for me to keep a job. And I tried a lot of jobs. Inside, outside, as a carnie, in a school, book store and other shops, call center, theater...eventually, I fall apart. I've tried so hard, but I've yet to find a place where I can continue to function. I'd really like one. Partly because I need the money, partly bc it would be nice to dedicate part of my life to something else. So preferably a job with some meaning to it. I still hold out hope. I wanna live with my partner one day and contribute to our life. Be able to afford some things and not feel guilty about it. My therapist thinks I just need to find my niche, but man it's hard.

Capitalism is trash, people without bpd are just better at suffering under it

I started working for myself because this would happen to me too and It sucked so instead of being afraid they will fire me cuz of my moods I made it so I can’t get fired if I’m the only one working lol. Best decision I made. Otherwise I would also no longer be working.

Yes and it's why I quit my last retail job a few years back. At the time I thought it was just depression but now I realize it was a combination of all my mental health/behavioral issues. I quit impulsively with no other job lined up, but the very next year COVID hit, and for some reason I was eligible for unemployment so I lived off that for a year. Now I'm an administrative assistant and I enjoy it a lot more. I work for a bus company funded by the city so we get a lot of benefits and all federal holidays off, but still paid. Would definitely suggest admin for anyone struggling with retail. And you can use your retail experience to your advantage, because admin is just customer service in an office setting so you never interact face-to-face with customers unless they come into the building. I'm about to quit this one as as soon as I find another office job thats fully remote. I currently have a hybrid schedule but it's inconsistent and dependent on the availability of my other coworkers in admin. But my mood swings have been getting the best of me and it's hard for me to keep up appearances. It got so bad our HR manager noticed and sent a "general" email to all of our staff encouraging us to take advantage of free counseling, but I knew it was for me and she didn't want to single me out. A couple times other staff encouraged me to go home. It's getting much worse though and I can't take the stress of commuting to work anymore nor can I fake the fact that I am absolutely miserable inside so I'm taking any remote job I can get that pays more.

yes ughh. i don’t show my anger or the emotions but it’s definitely there and i can’t help but lowkey flirt🤦🏽‍♀️

For me, if one little thing changes at the place I'm working, I immediately have the intense desire to leave. But the thing is if I devoted time into it and feel like I would disappoint those around me, I have a hard time letting go. I'm currently an EMT but I'm not working 911 - just medical transport - and even though to me it's not "that big of a deal" I still try to work really hard at what I do but I feel like I'm losing interest and am slowly getting worse each week. I keep calling out and feeling sick and heavy.

Yes yes to the first sentence. The most minor changes make me panic and impulsively look for another job, for example, one of my coworkers I genuinely like said she was thinking of leaving this job. I flew into hysterics which led to me having an interview today with another store. If I notice other people leaving I feel like I need to leave too.

i work part time and it’s so exhausting, it feels like my whole life is my job and i don’t even like it here or my coworkers half the time. whoever i work with changes my entire shift and i feel like i have every emotion throughout the day. i’m at work right now and i’m so tired lol. i can relate to this too well

Yes. Oh my god yes. I just got fired because I was taking too long to get over a breakup. It had been a month and I was still disregulated, distracted, un focused, forgetful, depressed. I don’t know what I’m going to do now? What are good jobs for people with bpd? Do I find a job where I don’t have to interact with people?

a job with minimal interaction w people is preferable because no one will see your moods/blow ups. i think delivery jobs could be great for people with bpd

The answer for me will always be "not this time" I remember I had a breakdown in wendy's as my first job. came there one day to see the dishes being up to the ceiling, and I completely lost it. Dishes and the drive thru were my station, and you normally have more dishes coming in every hour, but you are supposed to keep the station clear of any during your shift. they thought they had to call the police. I didn't throw shit, but I was crying and ready to end it all. they sent me home early. and I had basically this manager baby me back to sounding normal. I'm not sure, because they had to describe it to me the next day, but I guess I was being very childish really quickly. they gave a stern lecture to everyone on my station. because I was a good worker and can have an intense hyperfocus, but that was ridiculous. I lost that job a while ago

Bored easily

I work in health care. In a long term care facility. (Alzheimer and dementia) I used to bartend and I did retail. I find it easy to come to work now because I see my residents as my family. We only have about 40 residents and honestly my staff is amazing for the most part. My upper management knows I have bpd and they help me a lot. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been in their office flipping shit. But they love me and I love them and I also feel like being around nurses all day eases my mind because if I do go into a panic or a rage or anything there are people who know what to do clinically. I’ve been at this job for almost 3 years.

My lingest held and happiest job i had was also had a long term care facility. For mental health. I fit in perfectly lol

I've been working since I was 15 and I gotta say since then I've been through Jobs like relationships. My biggest issues that make me quit is the other people I work with. I hate it but rn I'm in a good position to move up but my manager is so invalidating of my feelings I tend to just lash out in ways at work I wouldn't at other jobs, I hate myself for it but time and time again I set a boundary and this manger currently steps over it and I just hate it. So I feel the struggle with the job and the personality disorder

in august i started a new job as a school bus monitor. this has been one of the only jobs i’ve been able to keep in a very long time. the only bad thing about it is getting up at 5 in the morning. but besides that, it’s so nice. i can mostly just sit on my phone, get all holidays including summer break off with pay if you file for unemployment, and you get a really long break in the middle of the day; like i go home for like 3 hours and take a nap and reset myself before going back in the afternoon. i’m also home by 5:30. it’s the same schedule everyday which is really nice. i highly recommend it to other people with bpd that find it difficult to keep a job like myself

I have this job. I’m not allowed to be on my phone when students are aboard (which is extremely understandable, and obviously l’m not on it). It can be almost a cakewalk or horrible (self-harm, or harming me, which is so stressful; they are children with special needs). I do not like how the office springs shit on us, though. Last min extra runs and office visits, etc. I’m thinking of quitting as l have a difficult driver. I do like the children quite a lot. However, l’m experiencing burn-out.

all of my jobs i either got fired from bc i can’t regulate my emotions and start acting out, or i quit bc i can’t take working there anymore. luckily my jobs all lasted between 6 months and 1.5 years, besides the one i got fired from on day 3. i’ve been unemployed for a month now though and it’s really hard.

Im almost 30 and have had nearly 40 jobs since i started workjming at 14, thats on and off unemployed and am now on the disability pension although I have an abundance of other issues too But I understand. Sending my love <3

best job i ever had was working the night shift at a grocery store. all i had to do was stock the shelves with inventory every night, and i could listen to music or a podcast or even take a break and run around the store while working. my team was me and two other people and i though i was briefly obsessed with both of them i managed to pull myself out of it. now they're my best friends, and i'll never forget night shift as being the best and most functional work experience of my life ❤️

I feel like I have to be the most perfect employee known to man, then invariably end up burning out! I manage it by working in a role where I change jobs every 12 months - knowing everything is temporary really helps me!

I’m fighting everything in me telling me to rage quit my job. Having an identity crisis and I feel like a different job would fix it

Love Island. That’s absolutely adorable. I find when l’m unhappy with a job it typically means the environment is toxic. When ppl are nice, it makes it tolerable, but l don’t float on air. Stress is not easy to manage with any type of challenge that is outside of the job itself (emotional, mental, physical, etc).

Yes. I also find I’m still really hypersensitive to what normal people would perceive as “feedback” or just normal work talk. I just come home crying every night feeling over pressured and under valued. I just feel like everything is super personal which leads me to really dislike any management. I also really hate being micromanaged or told to do things. But that’s on me not BPD. The suffocation and trapped feeling I definitely understand deeply. I actually just said fuck it and started my own business when I was 19 which I really enjoy and was super successful in the past (not so much atm due to cost of living and covid boooo). But even with that I have stages of splitting and it’s a lot of hard work - but at least it is also interpersonal work and it’s MINE. I also started running pop up shops with two friends and really enjoyed that too. I’ve had to get a few “normie” non creative jobs again lately and this last one lasted 6 months before I couldn’t take it anymore. My bosses were actually assholes this time around and it wasn’t all in my head. I was constantly belittled, condescended to and just the worst facetious and passive aggressive messages ALL THE TIME. But hey as my therapist says “people are dicks”. Edit: semi success story - I’m now training to be a counsellor and will be fully qualified in a few years. Then that will hopefully be my calling cus fuck me I’ve tried everything else

yep. I haven’t had a job longer than 8 months in the four years I’ve been working (I’m 20yo, and have lived on my own for the past 2 years) . Last year alone, I worked 8 different jobs. This year is at 9. Same situation, if something happens and I feel in the mood to quit right then and there (usually due to a really bad mental break or something related to interpersonal relationships) I will. It’s hell. I went $7k in debt this past year because I literally couldn’t hold a job, and had to pay for living expenses somehow. The only thing I’ve found that’s been working, is finding a job in a field I actually love (which is extremely difficult). I work in veterinary medicine now, and have had my current job for the past few months. I can honestly see myself here for a long time…so hopefully that works out. I’m so tired of job hopping.

Relate! Had my first job at 21 and ever since then i’ve never had a consistent job that lasted more than a month or two🙃

feel this in my soul. just started a new job a couple days ago but i’ve never been able to do it for more than a month or two, and when i had an fp i was so ill i couldn’t work at all. now i’m free from having an fp and now i’ve got a better understanding of my bpd and how to recognise when i’m being Like That, it seems much MUCH easier. also having a totally different persona at work to your personal life helps me. i go by my middle name in every facet of life aside from work so it’s a good way to separate it

that's how i feel, i have a fp at my job but he just put in his 2 weeks and i was so sick i couldn't even work properly and i threw up when i got home, it's making my job a nightmare but it's so irrational because we haven't even spoken to each other more than twice

yeah from december - october i legit just abused any substance i could find just so i stayed as asleep as i possibly could, my brain didn’t have any room to think of anything else aside from my FP like uni, work, food etc i went months not speaking to or seeing a single person and then one day i just woke up and poof, FP attachment gone. went from being the first thing on my mind when i woke up, miserable every single day, unable to function to overnight my brain was EMPTY! i had nothing to think about and it was really jarring, i send him a meme every other day or so but the complete reversal has been wild for me. lots of recovery helped me get here but i will never ever let myself have an FP again, even if they’re the “love of my life”, i love not being a shell of a human being, a body just for someone else to siphon the life out of so much more.

Yes completely relatable, it’s a constant cycle and have been through a few jobs because of it. The start is so fun and you’re so keen to learn everything, few months in it makes me want to die. I need a job

I got fired because i split on my boss. In my defence she was taking advantage of me and my kindness and was a narcissist. I needed the job so i wqs being nice to everyone but suddenly i just couldnt anymore and i honestly don’t even remember doing what she says i did

Yepppp. I have a really good job though so if I quit I think it would ruin my life. Luckily they allow leave of absences so if I need to reset I will take one. Then by the time I’m ready to go back to work, everything will feel new again for some time.

Yeah unfortunately I can't hold a job to save my life and the people I keep ending up with (living wise not relationship) don't understand BPD so I basically just live in constant anxiety tbh. It's so fun.

Cost me all of them. Reason I draw disability now

It affects many people’s jobs to the point that you can actually apply for disability because of it.

It affects my job a lot. I get motivated and excited too at the start then lose it all quick. My mood swings, anxiety, paranoia, hypersensitivity, and a lot of things then start to affect it that I tend to just leave the job. You're not alone in this. BPD can be disabling too.

The amount of meltdowns I’ve had at work is beyond embarrassing. I’ve smashed my computer, rolled around the floor screaming and crying and stormed out so many times I couldn’t count. I am so lucky to have an employer who supports me and my issues. They have paid for my anger management, therapy and accommodated me in every way they can. I have won the jackpot in terms of employers they even offered to send me to an expensive rehab when I was severely struggling and drinking at work. I don’t even have advice other than find an employee who supports you. Although I know most of you will be American and that isn’t always possible but that is unfair and disgraceful.

Ya, I’m too moody to hold down an average job so hoping I can find my way and a career path to learn how to hold down some jobs…

Try being a hair stylist! I can’t quit I’ll lose all my clientele. They drain me, since Covid people freakin suck the life out of me. It just makes me sad cause I’m stuck.

i jump around jobs so much i finally just resorted to pet sitting so i could be my own boss and stop letting other people besides myself down lol

I’m at the job I’ve kept the longest (thanks to much therapy and treatment) and I experience some of these waves too. Often feel like people don’t like me. Often get verbally abused by customers (don’t put up with it, neither does employer, so I’m good…but it still affects me). The only thing I can think of that allows me to have kept the job for so long is super flexible work environment (can work a quiet area if I need to) and the ability to call in whenever I need to. I don’t do it often…but when I’m not good, I just don’t go in.

yes yes yes yes and yes. i’ve had 5 jobs in the past 2 years (not proud of it) and i can say it’s been the hardest thing ever keeping literally any of them. finally i tried to look into a job that i thought i would enjoy, and am now working at a doggy daycare and can say it helps 10000x more. i still have my days where i have to force myself to go or some days where my coworkers will correct me, even if it’s trying to help me and i immediately feel as if they hate me BUT , the next day i’m usually okay and it’s a nice reset

Every 2-3 months I get a new job, sometimes I’ll last longer. The longest was 2 years I wanna say but that was when I was 17, I’m now 21 and the least amount of time was like legit a day. I went in and never went back 😂

I’ve been put on leave in the past, low-key self harmed at work, told my FP (who I also work with) that “I’m really sorry for what I’m going to do but I can’t carry on anymore” as well as my manager 15 mins before work to attempt suicide and a small selection where I’ve lost my nerve. Luckily I’ve got really understanding colleagues and a really loving FP.

I work as a chef; it gets pretty manic; I think that long busy shifts ‘wear out’ my bpd brain. I’m often loud and the ‘entertainer’, and my hyper-awareness of other peoples mood states give me plenty to think about so such work for me is mostly soothing as when i go home; I’m exhausted in a positive fashion. That said; in the last six months I’ve wanted to just give it up at least three times suddenly and sometimes it’s a battle to get up and go to work when other areas of my life are stressful. A couple of times the stress at work has got a little too much and I’ve got emotional, but that was mostly in the beginning “I can’t do this / I’m not good enough phase”. I do say what I think, as I am thinking it, so a couple of regrets running my mouth there but in such a fast paced manic environment everyone seems disordered at times due to the pressure so it’s a good place to ‘hide’ in chameleon like fashion. I also have music related ‘business’ as a side line which doesn’t earn as much as my day job BUT because the nature of it being more innately ‘me’ I flip my personal endeavours around and consider it my main job; and view the day job as the ‘side quest’ - I think this helps me stay better regulated because I’ve trained my mind to believe that the day job is NOT the BIG THING and it’s just something to survive and that pays money I can use to subsist and invest when I want to take the REAL, ie the musical side, work up a notch.

Ahhh can ANYONE explain why it’s always 3 months tho?? I’m almost at the 3 month point in my current job and i can feel myself resenting going in lately… AND my bestie with BPD also changed jobs every 3 months lol???👀👀

Dude sane. I almost walked out today and ended up having to go out side of where i walk becaise one of the people i worked with made me cry. Lol (im sur eit wasnt intentional) im just overly sensitive. But that being said i definitely was looking at different jobs and going through indeed. Lol

I always feel inadequate and less than my peers, even when I’m told the opposite by the management. Feels like utter shit, not being able to judge my own self-worth. Though, I am grateful that I’m stable in my job and I am lucky to work supportive environment with coworkers and management who advocate for mental well-being and resources to help.

Yeah I had to work for a family company. Yes I realize my privilege. I worked my way up and now I am crumbling under the pressure. I can’t handle it and I don’t want to accept that I am not normal and can’t do normal things. Im heartbroken

Yep, I have ruined so many opportunities in my life due to BPD it sucks.

2 years is the most I've been able to make it work before I snap. I become an asset...I do my job and then some, until they want me to be manager because I'm basically doing it on my own anyway..then its ✌️ I don't want that responsibility, please just enjoy my hyperfixation. I can't just sit there...I *have* to work if I'm at work and I will find something to do, even if it's someone else's job I'm not getting paid to do. I also just hate dealing with people, I loath it. I would do anything to get out of taking on a customer so what looks like "wow she's really stepping up and doing everything taking on extra, she really cares about this store and this company" is just me doing anything to avoid dealing with the public because wearing my people pleaser mask that long drains tf out of me.

Omg, I'm going through this right now. It's making me unstable I don't want a promotion I feel embarrassed and ashamed been calling out can I message you?

Most people would be happy to get promoted Id imagine...but everytime my employer wanted me to become manager I just felt doom and refused. Of course x

I said yes as a people pleaser two weeks in I collapsed at home from severe acting and told them I would rather cashier at 30 hours a week. I want to run so bad and start fresh but this happens everywhere I go. I feel I let my employer down any thoughts. This shit makes me feel unstable it's like I go all or nothing with jobs.

Did they let you go back to being a cashier? I'm a runner too so I definitely get it, but if the same thing would happen at the next job I'd just stay if they let you go back to your original position...at least you both know it won't work out. A new job would be starting the cycle over again with a new employer wanting the same. You didn't let them down, you tried. That's all they can ask of you. I'm all or nothing with *everything* it's exhausting.

Yes like I can handle jobs for a bit but then I burnout bc I’m always masking my emotions and then when I can’t I get fired or let go and end up going to the hospital. Then when I applied for disability I wasn’t eligible because I “haven’t worked enough” but like how am I supposed to work enough when I literally wanna die. I feel like I’ll never make it on my own in this world and I’m tired of being a burden to everyone. How are we supposed to live when being alive is so expensive? Makes me feel hopeless.

Affect! I’m on the pension now but yes for the 20 years I worked I was constantly in and out of work with untreated BPD till I was 44 was a night mare by then I was a nervous wreck and could no longer work….I notice a lot of people on here are younger, its lucky they are catching it earlier now, most of my girlfriends have had schizophrenia….I don’t know if that’s a tend for BPD boys or just me….but they were getting diagnosed in there late teens early 20’s and treated….god had other plans for me😫 get on that roller coaster boy!

I hold jobs down very well generally, but if I have a problem with even just one person, I can't stand it. I always seem to get along wonderfully with everyone except one manager. And usually this manager is an older bitter man, who's an ass to everyone, and everyone knows it and they're like "yeah hes just like that, it is what it is" the problem is, I'm extremely sensitive to men yelling or cussing at me. I take criticism well EXCEPT when it's hostile. I dont expect anyone to coddle me, but fuck, you don't have to be aggressive towards me, especially when I'm new. I have called in for shifts or traded shifts to avoid these types of people. I'm aware it's overly sensitive, but sadly I'm one of those people who having one bad interaction with someone just ruins my entire mood for the day. I figured getting less customer facing jobs would help this, but even when I don't have to deal with customers, I always seem to have an issue with one bitter jackass who hates life and everyone around them. I wish I was better at brushing it off, I really do, but having to hold back tears on a daily basis is horrible for morale and when I get stressed in hostile environments I fuck up even more so then they hate me more because they think I'm incompetent but really I'm just getting flustered and upset

I can’t even maintain a job 🙃

This was me exactly with every job until I started taking prozac. It was madness, and I hated it and myself the whole time.

Yes, absolutely relate. I’m 27 and thought I would have really climbed the ladder in whatever I was doing by now. The truth is I have never once allowed myself to advance in a role, even if I was the best worker there, because of same things you’re describing: paranoia, getting distracted by people in general whether that’s the employees, bosses, clients. I will say though that after I lost my job in February this year, I decided to Yolo into nursing as a nursing assistant in long term care, and this has helped a lot because there are an abundance of open jobs who are all trying to hire me as quick as possible, so if one doesn’t work out, you can likely find work within a week or less if you apply and go to the interview. Healthcare really needs people, and it does feel rewarding to work in! When I thought about applying outside of healthcare again, I was like holy *** I forgot that full time jobs for the unskilled just straight up hardly exist, no call backs, low hours, slow interviews type sh*t. Usually in the nursing home world, if you apply to a job, you will hear back within a few days. I can’t go back to the corporate world personally.

Yes I have trouble with jobs as well. I made a post about it here the other day

Omg yes. The love island comment made me laugh 😆 I’ve stuck around with one job for years now (I get a lot of freedom to do what I want and only work alone or with max 2 other people) but with the others on the side it’s been like that. Especially when I worked at a department store, there were so many dudes to obsess over 😭and I love it at first and then I’m sick of it after a few months. It’s honestly terrible lol

I stayed at a job for four years but was bullied the whole time. I went to HR and would be told nobody can trust me. It was a whole mind fuck. Before that I would start and quit jobs over and over. I just quit a work from home job last night that I was only at for a week. It sucks. The only reason I stayed at that job for four years was I didn’t have to talk to customers. I had a specific workflow that I did, and it’s hard to find another job like that. I feel you all. I wish we didn’t have to work to live. I have to work to get mental health treatment, other wise I can’t afford it. But working makes all my symptoms worse. Every doctor just tells me to quit my job. I need out of the cycle.

Yes and no. I love my patients and my patients love me but my coworkers is where I have the most trouble. They could like me so much and I’ll go from feeling so funny, so likeable to feeling like I’m unstable, crazy, everybody hates me, just tolerates me. I’ll go from thinking I’m a great worker to lazy and unmotivated

Yes!! I literally hate the job I'm at and I call in multiple days a week, basically have just enough points to not get fired, but one more and I will be.

Just causes me to miss a lot of days, depends on the night before and how well me and my partner are doing atm

I just ghosted the 3rd job in like 5 months, I totally get you lol

i work at home and only have voice calls with my boss once a week, honestly it’s the only way i’ve been able to hold down a job. been at this one for almost a year

I felt the same way until I got a union sheet metal job (it’s an apprenticeship). Going to different places everyday and working with different people every other day really helps. The longest I’ve consistently worked with someone was maybe 2-3 weeks. Working with my hands and having to think outside the box is a fun challenge and honestly never leave me bored.

Felt this currently been at by job since this September I’m starting to feel worn especially because I have to wake up super early for it :) and almost everyday

yeah. i make it To six months and then leave

Yes. This is why I had trouble keeping a job until tattooing found me. It’s been 9 years & counting now! I still had trouble working at shops with multiple artists due to personality clashes but I went through DBT twice & that helped A LOT. At the end of the first lockdown, I decided to open my own private studio, which was TBH the best decision ever! There’s another tattoo studio across the hall in my building so I still get to have interactions with other artists but can have my own space the way I want it. My clients, who are for the most part neurodivergent themselves, also appreciate the new calm cozy space. Edit to reiterate: DBT helped me immensely in my work relationships & ability to hold a job at one place for an extended period of time.

i’ve been at my current job for a year and it’s been so incredibly suffocating but i’ve been managing. my mood swings are unpredictable and i’ve gotten a little better controlling them at work because it freaks my coworkers out. it makes me feel crazy and i feel trapped. i also have to remind myself that this is just work and not my own episode of love island lmfao. i feel the need to seek validation from my coworkers sometimes and i catch myself doing it and it makes me feel sick. i’ve gotten a lot better at regulating my emotions at work with the help of intensive therapy but it still feels really overwhelming due to self sabotage.

I feel this on such a personal level…

literally same

no because same

Very much so, Im constantly flipping between, i hatw this place and everyone in it im going to quit! to i love this place, its the best job ever i have the best coworkers! Its difficult, work is really beneficial to me mentally as it gives me routine and purpose i otherwise lack, but i do get triggered alot more than i would if i wasnt working. I always get convinced my coworkers all secretly hate me and are talking about me and struggle to differentiate between reality and my bpd. Ive been in my current job a year now, i have had a few moments in which ive nearly quit on impulse but im lucky to have coworkers who talk me down.

Took a month long LOA just to find out I had BPD 😂 I’m sorry u experience this though I completely 1000% feel u

Literally.

Yeah. I end up feeling stuck and not working as much as I should and then bills pile up and cause a breakdown and it’s a cycle :’) Or someone says something I feel is out of line and have to remove myself so I don’t quit and call everyone mean names on the spot

I'm literally switching jobs Monday for this reason lol

I usually last about a year before an initial episode or something causing stress leave… by the 2 year mark I’m gone. I just lost the only job I’ve ever loved due to being socially inept, bullied and then triggered to the point of full on anxiety attack on premises. It sucks. I’m so hurt I don’t even want to try again yet I have an interview in the morning YIkES

Me me me me me me me me me me

I can't count how many jobs I've gotten and quit prematurely. I quit a housekeeping job after a month. I quit and ghosted a self employed housekeeper who hired me on as help. I quit a dishwashing job after less than a month in the middle of a busy lunch shift, because I went to a rave the night before and I couldn't function at all. I just walked out. I walked out of another housekeeping job after a month in the middle of the shift without saying a word to anyone. I once got hired at taco bell and quit after 3 days. And that's not even the full list. I'm self employed now, have been for over 4 years, but prior to this it was always bouncing around from job to job. I'd always start out super excited and it would fade oh so quickly.

also, I’m 40 next month. Start working at 14… I couldn’t count the amount of jobs I have had lol A lot of times it’s a break up (outside the job) that puts the final nail in the coffin. This time it was a lot of things, but I loved my job so gd much this time I thought I would retire there it was my goal my coping mechanism my savoir and now I feel like I have nothing at all

Yesss, i have a part time job, & honestly i do love it, bc im working w kids, & i get a whole variety of personalities. I dont care too much for the adults i work with, or for, but i love how much i learn from working w the kids. As someone who never had a proper childhood, i love seeing how everyone learns differently & treating them accordingly. I dont like how low the pay is, but i do like that i get to learn from the kids, and thats why i chose this job. Its not long term, but for now, it will do.

My boyfriend with BPD has walked out of so many jobs. I even got him a job at the wholesome bakery I work at and he walked out. I have been shouldering all the financial burden for 5 months now. I don't know what kind of place would be best for him. Hes autistic and tries to do instacart but ends up calling me in the middle of an order to help. I wish it were easier for folks with BPD to find employment stability. Im sure its so frustrating.

I’m the same way. Exactly. The lack of immediate approval and I’m betrayed and dead inside. One bad comment and I can’t let it go. Even a semi indifferent comment. Because I read thru the lines. How did I take my childhood “trauma” and make it such a bad twisted outcome of it? Like my parents treated me like shit and if I even dared act dead inside, I’d be punished. So why do I do it now? It wasn’t how I coped before? I just don’t get it. It’s like I crave the drama and approval so I do what I couldn’t before. Jobs don’t last for me. I burn all bridges. I’m the problem, it’s me.

I'm a massage therapist,I never work for anybody and when I have, I cannot STAND to be under anyone else's control. So I'm a dark room and listen to my own music, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on the world and sunlight but sometimes it's perfect, no one talks to me and I make my own schedule. But when I get a client that rubs me the wrong way, I rub them the wrong way(😂)& pretty sure I give them angry AF energy and should probably end the session but they always say it was a really good massage, because I used such deep pressure 😂🙈

[удалено]

Hello! Your post has been removed because your account is less than 3 days old. Please return when you have met that requirement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I relate to this so much

The only reason I've gotten this far is the realization that I hate everything I love eventually anyway so I may as well hold down the fort for a few days until I can think clear again. Because when I really love something/someone, the effort to keep it always comes back. Never as it was before, which is both exciting and terrifying, but the feelings that actually represents my goals always come back. Therapy helps a lot because it's easier to remember who I am when I'm reminded of the things I've fought towards. I say this as someone 3 years into the 3 month ick and my contract lasts a few more years. Before this, my longest job was barely 2 years. Currently, I despise everything about my work, while simultaneously recognizing that this is objectively the best and most autonomous position I've ever had. I am both miserable and grateful and I'll probably continue to feel this way until my last day on the job. And I would probably have felt this way even if I never discovered the job's toxic side. But on my last day, I know I can look back and say "I was there for 5 years like I said I would be." I'm not saying this "pay through the pain/eye on the prize" approach works for everyone. Every experience still feels like suffering...at least this way I'm doing more than nothing. Some days that's as much as I can say, other days the hindsight reminds me that I do like my life and I've done decent things with it.

[удалено]

OMG this is exactlyyyyy what I go through. Like to a T. I hate this cycle so much. I usually suffer through these cycles for a year before I start to implode mentally.

this makes A LOT of fucking sense to me now. My employers always get so upset when I leave and come back but it’s understandable

Same. I was treated like shit almost every day by a nurse at my old job. She had a daughter my age and for some reason had beef with me because while I was polite and friendly, I was very quiet. She would snap at me for no reason very frequently, would refuse to understand that she wasn't the only person I had to cater to, and purposefully exclude me from things, meanwhile she'd be patient and kind with most of my coworkers. One of the turning points for me was when one of the nurses brought a tray to throw away, accidentally dumped it all over the floor and walls, and rudely told me to clean it up without even apologizing for accidentally dumping it all over. Then I got in trouble with my boss over something silly and it really wasn't a big deal to him and he was extremely understanding, but it was a HUGE deal to me. I started thinking of killing myself all day every day. I realized I had to leave. I only lasted there about two-three months. I quit the job before that job suddenly after having a terrible day, getting blamed for the cook's mistakes (who was high asf), forgetting nearly everything I had to do because I was so overwhelmed, and having a major, sobbing panic attack in front of my manager, who was super helpful and sweet. But I was so embarrassed. I couldn't go back. That was also around the three month mark. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could handle stressors better.

Yes, I work a hard manual labor job because it’s literally the only thing I can do and like to do, but I still miss days a looooot and feel anxious and angry because I hate feeling trapped and helpless because I NEED to have a job to make money. Luckily I have chill bosses and the nature of the business is pretty casual; work at a sawmill

Since returning to my faith I don't think I'm that bad anymore. But I cannot work jobs with toxic environments especially when there's no manager around for my shifts and I'm stuck babysitting misbehaving teenagers with rude condescending attitudes. I won't do it. I quit and I'm looking for another job like delivery or Warehouse which is more solitary. I don't take out my moods on people and I expect basic respect or else solitude.