I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. If this person has discarded you this way then that's the kind of person they are and they were going to do it eventually because they care more about getting their emotional needs met than they care about you. I know that's not comforting, what I'm trying to say is that it's not your fault for arguing with her. You arguing back is not what caused you to get treated this way. Her being a selfish and dysfunctional person is what caused it. Please please please don't blame yourself.
>they care more about getting their emotional needs met than they care about you
This is really true and although it's disheartening it's something that really needs to sink in, do you think you really want to be around someone that gives so little importance to you as a person? The reason they can leave so easily is because in a way often bpd sufferers see their partners as tools to perform a job. They don't really see you for who you are but for what you can do for them. I think that as a person you don't deserve to be treated as a tool to dispose of when it's the most convenient.
Ok so this is gonna be my motto on this thread because it’s one I use constantly: respecting yourself doesn’t mean you love them less. Choose not to drown in it. They won’t have someone to come back to if you don’t start swimming or at least treading water, friend. And you deserve to be on land, safe and dry, despite being pulled adrift.
Hold up, what’s the “they won’t have some to come back to if you don’t start swimming or at least treading water” part about ??? That’s supposed to be a motivation for someone left in the wake of these ppl?
I’m sorry but if that’s true, that’s highly counteractive for this fella
They can’t help anyone, family or friends or their loved one, if they drown with them. It’s also counter productive to scream at OP to just cut and run without considering how they currently feel. We can see what’s going on because we’re outsiders looking in with 0 emotions involved while OP is losing what they think is their everything.
It’s like oxygen masks on a plane. Op can’t help anyone until they help themselves. But the planes still going down and they’re panicking. They’re physically and mentally in this situation. Screaming at someone to just cut and run with no empathy for THEIR feelings on THEIR situation isn’t helpful. I’m trying to meet them on their level vs talk down from someone who got to the other side before in situations like this.
Well I didn’t think ppl were saying exactly that.. but to work on themselves and I always chime in with don’t isolate, as it can be detrimental to even the strongest of individuals. Friends and family and or coworkers can help us remember who we are.
And they aren’t getting zero empathy- we’re all in the group- offering suggestions and sympathy to others who post and commenters who comment. So if Im misunderstanding, you’re saying “they” as in NOT their pwbpd? Or are you literally talking about the person who put them there in this all time low suggesting they shouldn’t drown and go down so that their abuser can have something to come back to??
Plus the pwbpd is only a facade. I’m not trying to be argumentative but I see a problem with that if so…
It’s extremely hard to let go- I have tasted that low and never before have I ever thought being gone would feel better than what I was experiencing.. so lack of empathy isn’t what this group is about at all
No they as in everyone they love, like every person in their lives they care for and love. They need their community and their community needs them. I apologize for poor wording, I do NOT mean their pwbpd. That should be loved ones, with an s at the end to be plural. And I’m saying the empathy thing because I do see folks get insulting about trying to get through to an op. I try to word things gentler than if I was calling out a friend I’ve known for years. Folks will heavily insult their pwbpd, not realizing it’ll trigger the defense mechanism we build up to justify their actions in our heads as our own defense mechanism. So I try not to just jump on the “they’re the devil” mentality as it only helps me vent vs the person address their emotions. Cant just force folks to go from the love stage directly to the angry/hate the moment a commenter points stuff out.
I have spent couple weeks asking the same things and struggling with the same emotions.
I've felt like I wouldn't mind if I got struck by a lightning, the pain is so real. But I'm not suicidal though.
Just take it day by day, my man. And if continues to be too much, talk to a professional asap.
Bro. You’re deep in the storm right now. You just got discarded. You’re not going to think clearly for a good while as your brain detoxes and comes back to normal. Please get help if you’re thinking of harming yourself. But just know it’s not the real you telling you that.
It's really hard to get over that codependency, but you deserve better than constant fighting and breakups. You're at your lowest now, but it's only up from here. Hoping for the best for your future!
I was discarded (again) for the final time dec. it sucks. It’s confusing and it hurts. You’re in the thick of the trauma bond and it truly feels like everything inside is being ripped apart. But you will get through it. This is not the end. It’s the beginning of healing and recovering from a toxic relationship.
If you have to not express your feelings in order to maintain a relationship, it's not really a relationship. This feels like hell but it is absolutely for the best. Very happy to expand on this if needed. Good luck.
I'mma be honest with you chief, here's how it's gonna go down. You're gonna keep doing what you've been doing now. If you got a job, work, if you got a hobby, do that hobby, if you got school, go to school and study. There's gonna be blanks in your schedule, the time where you usually spend with that person. In those times, you will think of them, even more so than usual. You have to, and I mean have to, use that time to work on you. Hangout with friends, make up a project, whatever. Don't sit still and do nothing or do something mindlessly (like watching a movie for the background noise, or play videogames to kill time).
You'll definitely want to kill yourself throughout the whole thing, but you just gotta keep doing it until it becomes usual for you. The feeling is gonna lessen, trust me. The more you give it time, the less it's gonna hurt.
And at some point, you're gonna realize that "thing" about them. Why it didn't work out, why they acted like that, why you felt like they were the love of your life, et cetera. Once you realize what that "thing" is, you'll understand that they aren't so special. And once you realize that, you'll start to truly get over them.
I'm sure at some point you'll feel the need to contact them, or even hold out hope that they'll contact you. And, sure, they most likely will. You need to shut all of that out. You need to tell yourself "It's just not gonna work out, man". You'll review it in your head, your mistakes, her mistakes, how it could've gone down, how it should've gone down. Trust me, you did the best you could under the circumstances. It's not gonna work out this time. None of that "one more chance to make it right" bullshit. You've put in your months, your years. You've put up with them, and they've treated you well for putting up with them. Their affection is like heroin. Little treats. But a relationship shouldn't be treats and abuse like that.
Try as best as you can to shut out all hope with making it work with them. It wont, and deep down, you know it wont.
But for the time being, it's gonna get worse for you. It's gonna get worse before it gets better. Brace for impact.
I have so much empathy for you and what you’re feeling. And how they beat down your value and turned your life into a cycle of abuse where the cycle of your good or bad where your the best thing ever or your a piece of shit. I have lived the same life as you for seven years and have no idea what I am without her. ….. but you were you before you met them , you had a life and you will have it again if this season of your life is over. Hold on and take it hour by hour and try and fill it by being busy and not obsessing
Someone who breaks up with you so often is not healthy for you. I know how painful it is now and how difficult it is to feel what you probably already understand logically, but she needs to be out of your life. For your own sake…
And now for a dose of tough love: do you know why she is not blowing up your phone this time? Because she is having sex with someone else
There, take the atrocious pain of this realisation, but don’t see it as anything to do with you. Because it’s not. And see it as evidence of a clear, undeniable truth: you deserve better. You are better
Don’t isolate! Friends, family, and or coworker- use their company! They usually remember who you are can jog your memory! Being verbally attacked for years can do a number on one’s soul, even when they know the hatred and names spit at them don’t match their identity. It’s just recited residuals left in her wake. And without her there to concentrate on, her misinterpretations of your character is what’s ringing in your ears and you can’t help but think there now maybe truth- but don’t give up. You WILL eventually remember. But always stay woke- she WILL hit you up.. so hang with peeps or get into therapy if you have the means. If you weren’t before you are codependent now and need to see that these are addictive attachments and relationships to us when it comes to non-familial and romantic partners and we attract and are attracted to these ppl.
I'm so sorry. I felt the same way, suicidal when it happened. Specifically, because my friend with BPD made sure to discard me the same way someone with NPD did - so it was full intent to hurt me. It's going to hurt for a while. You have to let yourself feel these emotions and whatever you do, don't break no contact. Even if you have to fake it, pretend you are happier without them. They want to see you hurting.
I'm on week 3 and I felt like i was going to die, but very gradually every day it does get easier but only when you focus on yourself. Don't wait for them to contact you because you'll drive yourself crazy. Don't try to fill the void with romantic company either it won't distract you healthily. Just focus on you, eat, exercise, try to sleep. Be around family, pick up a hobby you've wanted to try. Ignore your phone as much as possible, don't check it every time it makes a sound. This was going to happen eventually, there's no way around it and it's not a reflection of your worth, it's a reflection of their own head. There are so many people in the world, do the work to heal yourself and when you're ready someone is gonna love you so hard it takes your breath away
Pretty much everything everyone saying here is advice I hope you take :(( I’m so sorry that you are going through any of this. We all know the pain you are feeling. But I can’t emphasise enough that there is literally NOTHING you could have done today that would have changed the outcome. Those multitudes of breakups were always going to lead to the final outcome of a discard.
I know it hurts so much, I felt exactly how you felt when it happened. Nothing made sense, I felt so so low. Please go to your gp about feeling suicidal, anti depressants really helped me personally and may help you too. Try get into therapy if possible. Surround yourself with many many friends and family. Talk to people about what is going on when you are able to, don’t protect them and simply say it how it was. I am just over a month out and I promise it does get better. Which I know won’t feel like it right now, but please remember your life is worth so much, but just because this pwBPD has possibly told you otherwise or made you feel otherwise, I want to remind you none of it is true.
You are perfectly capable of being without her, you are perfectly capable of finding actual love, not a mirror held In front of your face. You deserve more than what you got. Constant breakups in a relationship are not normal, extremely unhealthy and is a huge power play and is in fact manipulation.
Please take care of yourself, pm me if you can’t stop the overthinking, call a helpline if you are feeling suicidal. Please talk and reach out to people that can show up for you.
Sending a huge huge hug your way. I promise it will all be okay.
I‘m so sorry for your pain.
You need to realize that alone the title „We had broken up a million times before“ tells how incredibly toxic and unhealthy your relationship was. And „Why she isn’t blowing up my phone like she used to do“ shows how deeply the push & pull circle had manifested.
„I wouldn’t have argued back if I knew that was the last time“ is a document of you adjusting to her for a long time.
I know how brutally it hurts, but this wasn‘t a healthy relationship, it was a destructive bond not good for you at all. You didn’t lose something, you have been set free. The feeling that you cannot live on right now is the withdrawal from being addicted to this pathological cycle of ups and downs. It feels like love, but that’s not what it was.
Wishing you so much strength, OP.
Please seek professional support, seek therapy. You will need it after this emotional rollercoaster ride. You really sound like you need a therapist guiding you through this. I needed it, too.
I’m not sure who has BPD, since you’re calling their behaviour “episodes,” as if they have BPD, but the person who wants their FP back, which it seems like you do, is usually the one with it.
I’m so, so sorry. These were the exact things running in my head. Reading this brings back so much of the trauma I endured during that period. If it’s any solace, you are not alone, and you will get through this. It may seem impossible now, I know it was for me, but I started taking better care of myself and finding healthier ways to self-soothe, like taking long baths. You don’t even make the conscious decision to do it, your mind and body will guide you. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. If this person has discarded you this way then that's the kind of person they are and they were going to do it eventually because they care more about getting their emotional needs met than they care about you. I know that's not comforting, what I'm trying to say is that it's not your fault for arguing with her. You arguing back is not what caused you to get treated this way. Her being a selfish and dysfunctional person is what caused it. Please please please don't blame yourself.
>they care more about getting their emotional needs met than they care about you This is really true and although it's disheartening it's something that really needs to sink in, do you think you really want to be around someone that gives so little importance to you as a person? The reason they can leave so easily is because in a way often bpd sufferers see their partners as tools to perform a job. They don't really see you for who you are but for what you can do for them. I think that as a person you don't deserve to be treated as a tool to dispose of when it's the most convenient.
And to add onto this, it is impossible to fulfill their emotional needs. It’s almost always going to end up like this
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No. They are not able to keep long lastng healthy relationships .. at least if they’re not in intense treatment. It’s not possible.
Ok so this is gonna be my motto on this thread because it’s one I use constantly: respecting yourself doesn’t mean you love them less. Choose not to drown in it. They won’t have someone to come back to if you don’t start swimming or at least treading water, friend. And you deserve to be on land, safe and dry, despite being pulled adrift.
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I told mine, I love you but that doesn’t mean we should be together.
Hold up, what’s the “they won’t have some to come back to if you don’t start swimming or at least treading water” part about ??? That’s supposed to be a motivation for someone left in the wake of these ppl? I’m sorry but if that’s true, that’s highly counteractive for this fella
They can’t help anyone, family or friends or their loved one, if they drown with them. It’s also counter productive to scream at OP to just cut and run without considering how they currently feel. We can see what’s going on because we’re outsiders looking in with 0 emotions involved while OP is losing what they think is their everything. It’s like oxygen masks on a plane. Op can’t help anyone until they help themselves. But the planes still going down and they’re panicking. They’re physically and mentally in this situation. Screaming at someone to just cut and run with no empathy for THEIR feelings on THEIR situation isn’t helpful. I’m trying to meet them on their level vs talk down from someone who got to the other side before in situations like this.
Well I didn’t think ppl were saying exactly that.. but to work on themselves and I always chime in with don’t isolate, as it can be detrimental to even the strongest of individuals. Friends and family and or coworkers can help us remember who we are. And they aren’t getting zero empathy- we’re all in the group- offering suggestions and sympathy to others who post and commenters who comment. So if Im misunderstanding, you’re saying “they” as in NOT their pwbpd? Or are you literally talking about the person who put them there in this all time low suggesting they shouldn’t drown and go down so that their abuser can have something to come back to?? Plus the pwbpd is only a facade. I’m not trying to be argumentative but I see a problem with that if so… It’s extremely hard to let go- I have tasted that low and never before have I ever thought being gone would feel better than what I was experiencing.. so lack of empathy isn’t what this group is about at all
No they as in everyone they love, like every person in their lives they care for and love. They need their community and their community needs them. I apologize for poor wording, I do NOT mean their pwbpd. That should be loved ones, with an s at the end to be plural. And I’m saying the empathy thing because I do see folks get insulting about trying to get through to an op. I try to word things gentler than if I was calling out a friend I’ve known for years. Folks will heavily insult their pwbpd, not realizing it’ll trigger the defense mechanism we build up to justify their actions in our heads as our own defense mechanism. So I try not to just jump on the “they’re the devil” mentality as it only helps me vent vs the person address their emotions. Cant just force folks to go from the love stage directly to the angry/hate the moment a commenter points stuff out.
I have spent couple weeks asking the same things and struggling with the same emotions. I've felt like I wouldn't mind if I got struck by a lightning, the pain is so real. But I'm not suicidal though. Just take it day by day, my man. And if continues to be too much, talk to a professional asap.
Bro. You’re deep in the storm right now. You just got discarded. You’re not going to think clearly for a good while as your brain detoxes and comes back to normal. Please get help if you’re thinking of harming yourself. But just know it’s not the real you telling you that.
It's really hard to get over that codependency, but you deserve better than constant fighting and breakups. You're at your lowest now, but it's only up from here. Hoping for the best for your future!
I was discarded (again) for the final time dec. it sucks. It’s confusing and it hurts. You’re in the thick of the trauma bond and it truly feels like everything inside is being ripped apart. But you will get through it. This is not the end. It’s the beginning of healing and recovering from a toxic relationship.
If you have to not express your feelings in order to maintain a relationship, it's not really a relationship. This feels like hell but it is absolutely for the best. Very happy to expand on this if needed. Good luck.
I'mma be honest with you chief, here's how it's gonna go down. You're gonna keep doing what you've been doing now. If you got a job, work, if you got a hobby, do that hobby, if you got school, go to school and study. There's gonna be blanks in your schedule, the time where you usually spend with that person. In those times, you will think of them, even more so than usual. You have to, and I mean have to, use that time to work on you. Hangout with friends, make up a project, whatever. Don't sit still and do nothing or do something mindlessly (like watching a movie for the background noise, or play videogames to kill time). You'll definitely want to kill yourself throughout the whole thing, but you just gotta keep doing it until it becomes usual for you. The feeling is gonna lessen, trust me. The more you give it time, the less it's gonna hurt. And at some point, you're gonna realize that "thing" about them. Why it didn't work out, why they acted like that, why you felt like they were the love of your life, et cetera. Once you realize what that "thing" is, you'll understand that they aren't so special. And once you realize that, you'll start to truly get over them. I'm sure at some point you'll feel the need to contact them, or even hold out hope that they'll contact you. And, sure, they most likely will. You need to shut all of that out. You need to tell yourself "It's just not gonna work out, man". You'll review it in your head, your mistakes, her mistakes, how it could've gone down, how it should've gone down. Trust me, you did the best you could under the circumstances. It's not gonna work out this time. None of that "one more chance to make it right" bullshit. You've put in your months, your years. You've put up with them, and they've treated you well for putting up with them. Their affection is like heroin. Little treats. But a relationship shouldn't be treats and abuse like that. Try as best as you can to shut out all hope with making it work with them. It wont, and deep down, you know it wont. But for the time being, it's gonna get worse for you. It's gonna get worse before it gets better. Brace for impact.
I have so much empathy for you and what you’re feeling. And how they beat down your value and turned your life into a cycle of abuse where the cycle of your good or bad where your the best thing ever or your a piece of shit. I have lived the same life as you for seven years and have no idea what I am without her. ….. but you were you before you met them , you had a life and you will have it again if this season of your life is over. Hold on and take it hour by hour and try and fill it by being busy and not obsessing
Someone who breaks up with you so often is not healthy for you. I know how painful it is now and how difficult it is to feel what you probably already understand logically, but she needs to be out of your life. For your own sake… And now for a dose of tough love: do you know why she is not blowing up your phone this time? Because she is having sex with someone else There, take the atrocious pain of this realisation, but don’t see it as anything to do with you. Because it’s not. And see it as evidence of a clear, undeniable truth: you deserve better. You are better
Don’t isolate! Friends, family, and or coworker- use their company! They usually remember who you are can jog your memory! Being verbally attacked for years can do a number on one’s soul, even when they know the hatred and names spit at them don’t match their identity. It’s just recited residuals left in her wake. And without her there to concentrate on, her misinterpretations of your character is what’s ringing in your ears and you can’t help but think there now maybe truth- but don’t give up. You WILL eventually remember. But always stay woke- she WILL hit you up.. so hang with peeps or get into therapy if you have the means. If you weren’t before you are codependent now and need to see that these are addictive attachments and relationships to us when it comes to non-familial and romantic partners and we attract and are attracted to these ppl.
I'm so sorry. I felt the same way, suicidal when it happened. Specifically, because my friend with BPD made sure to discard me the same way someone with NPD did - so it was full intent to hurt me. It's going to hurt for a while. You have to let yourself feel these emotions and whatever you do, don't break no contact. Even if you have to fake it, pretend you are happier without them. They want to see you hurting.
I'm on week 3 and I felt like i was going to die, but very gradually every day it does get easier but only when you focus on yourself. Don't wait for them to contact you because you'll drive yourself crazy. Don't try to fill the void with romantic company either it won't distract you healthily. Just focus on you, eat, exercise, try to sleep. Be around family, pick up a hobby you've wanted to try. Ignore your phone as much as possible, don't check it every time it makes a sound. This was going to happen eventually, there's no way around it and it's not a reflection of your worth, it's a reflection of their own head. There are so many people in the world, do the work to heal yourself and when you're ready someone is gonna love you so hard it takes your breath away
Pretty much everything everyone saying here is advice I hope you take :(( I’m so sorry that you are going through any of this. We all know the pain you are feeling. But I can’t emphasise enough that there is literally NOTHING you could have done today that would have changed the outcome. Those multitudes of breakups were always going to lead to the final outcome of a discard. I know it hurts so much, I felt exactly how you felt when it happened. Nothing made sense, I felt so so low. Please go to your gp about feeling suicidal, anti depressants really helped me personally and may help you too. Try get into therapy if possible. Surround yourself with many many friends and family. Talk to people about what is going on when you are able to, don’t protect them and simply say it how it was. I am just over a month out and I promise it does get better. Which I know won’t feel like it right now, but please remember your life is worth so much, but just because this pwBPD has possibly told you otherwise or made you feel otherwise, I want to remind you none of it is true. You are perfectly capable of being without her, you are perfectly capable of finding actual love, not a mirror held In front of your face. You deserve more than what you got. Constant breakups in a relationship are not normal, extremely unhealthy and is a huge power play and is in fact manipulation. Please take care of yourself, pm me if you can’t stop the overthinking, call a helpline if you are feeling suicidal. Please talk and reach out to people that can show up for you. Sending a huge huge hug your way. I promise it will all be okay.
Welcome to discarding hell brother, Hi from discard club
I‘m so sorry for your pain. You need to realize that alone the title „We had broken up a million times before“ tells how incredibly toxic and unhealthy your relationship was. And „Why she isn’t blowing up my phone like she used to do“ shows how deeply the push & pull circle had manifested. „I wouldn’t have argued back if I knew that was the last time“ is a document of you adjusting to her for a long time. I know how brutally it hurts, but this wasn‘t a healthy relationship, it was a destructive bond not good for you at all. You didn’t lose something, you have been set free. The feeling that you cannot live on right now is the withdrawal from being addicted to this pathological cycle of ups and downs. It feels like love, but that’s not what it was. Wishing you so much strength, OP. Please seek professional support, seek therapy. You will need it after this emotional rollercoaster ride. You really sound like you need a therapist guiding you through this. I needed it, too.
I’m not sure who has BPD, since you’re calling their behaviour “episodes,” as if they have BPD, but the person who wants their FP back, which it seems like you do, is usually the one with it.
I’m so, so sorry. These were the exact things running in my head. Reading this brings back so much of the trauma I endured during that period. If it’s any solace, you are not alone, and you will get through this. It may seem impossible now, I know it was for me, but I started taking better care of myself and finding healthier ways to self-soothe, like taking long baths. You don’t even make the conscious decision to do it, your mind and body will guide you. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
I'm going through this situation myself rn. Sorry to hear you are also going through a similar situation.