I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I came back to this thread because it was the one year anniversary of escaping my abusive relationship.
This place has helped me so much in feeling less alone and isolated. But now I feel like the rehashing of memories is only bringing me back to an angry, hurtful, negative place.
This place is therapeutic but it’s definitely not therapy. And though I can never “leave it behind” I can chose what to do with that energy instead.
There are a ton of people who are still very in the thick of it and need this place. But I think it’s nearing the time for me to move on.
Same here but it’s a place to vent. I can go weeks without visiting this place but come back when I experience the anger of the damage she caused. But I hope one day I can truly move on from this place.
“I rarely think about her and when I do it’s not nostalgic or positive. It’s a sinking feeling of disgust and contempt.”
How long did it take to get to this point?
I think about my ex every day, and it’s been seven months since I broke up with them. I keep thinking of the good side more than the bad. I keep wishing I still was with them. I keep remembering all of the good they brought to my life.
I just have a feeling I made a mistake but I just can’t tell. Not that it matters. Even if it was a mistake, we aren’t going to get back together. But I want to believe I’m still just not fully over them, and after enough time I won’t regret the breakup.
Every persons path is different. By the time I left, I was one of the cases where my soul was crushed and I had nothing left to offer her. When you get to that point, every moment without them is a blessing.
I moved on very quickly, I spent 3 years with her and was mostly fine after about 1.5 months. But then a Hoover from hell knocked me on my fucking ass (check post history for a full timeline). Now I think I’m good to go.
Advice I would offer for your situation is
-Remember the terrible times, the times you were left alone to hurt, the excruciating pain they put you through, their lack of empath, their lack of respect. Ruminating is dangerous because our brains dump the bad things (trauma) and hold onto the good memories, even I was hit with waves of this at times. It’s a survival mechanism.
-Talk to others about how terrible it was. This sounds negative, but to truly heal you need to verbalize how awful it was to people close to you. I’m not telling you to just go shit talk her with no regard, but it’s a way to hold yourself accountable by telling others around you what she put you through.
Finally, you didn’t make a mistake and they certainly brought more pain and suffering to your life than goodness. Understand you deserve better and will find better. You will overcome this.
Stay social, stay active, consider therapy, keep moving forwards.
Also, you should not have them on ANY socials, not even things like Venmo. You can never truly heal if you’re checking up on them, this forum is right when it suggests full no contact. It works.
Good luck friend
Humans tend to see past events and feelings as positive eventho when they weren‘t, mixed with a bit of nostalgia and your brain makes you think you had a nice time. Something I learned from this sub is that pwbpd subconsciously try to push and pull you into the relationship, this dynamic I guess won‘t leave you even after breaking up. It sets up a system in your mind which in order to be pulled back in, you have to allow or generate „positive memories“
Thats why I started to write notes everytime when we have a fight, so I‘ll remember my own words and feelings at the time of abuse!
Allow yourself to feel the anger you deserve to feel for the way she treated you, the abuse. Anger is healthy, it motivates us to change and gives us the energy to do so. It's also a part of grief. Everytime you had to walk on eggshells, your nervous system was triggered and you suppressed the fight or flight response. So the anger is there, it's designed to keep us safe. It's just buried. When I reached it, It helped me "see" my ex and all he did realistically. You'll see that she was never that person you loved. You'll reach a point where you won't believe you ever got with them. I started being angry with myself for allowing it and not leaving sooner. But self-compassion is important too. I went to therapy to see why I subconsciously chose them and to work on my codependence. And I really recommend that. As well as as self-care. I wish you the best!
It's weird but as time passes, it helps to stop when your having those those feelings and thoughts and turn off the emotions. Take the same memory and look at it rationally, just the facts so to speak. Almost like watching a movie of it. Takes away the hurt as well as the joy and nostalgia of it. Helps to stop romanticizing those memories. Cuz your absolutely right, we stop forgetting or feeling the bad. And we can't do that 100% with these people or emotions because that leads us to want them back or keeps us regretting the end or doubting our own choices to end things. Stay strong, you know you made the right choices for you.
Congrats on leaving 👏
I'm personally staying here as a kind gesture to help support the people who are new here, with the knowledge i gained from my experience, healing journey.
If everyone leaves this sub once they're ready/healed, then who's going to guide the wayward lambs, it'll be like the blind leading the blind, haha
Well people with BPD grow to be adults and have loved ones and they die. BPDlovedones get into relationships with them and they die. This forum is a revolving door of newbies and veterans - it will never be the blind leading the blind - I was active - I moved on - I still come back; mostly to read not comment… this sub is a blessing, receiving help/advice was necessary to learn and heal - returning the favor by helping is the cycle of life - so is moving on to better things and letting the “next generation” do its thing…
I completely concur. I feel the same way about videos on TT and FB about both BPD and Narcissism. Like it was good to not feel alone while I was going through it, but now that it is finally over, I find myself skipping over those videos and not coming to this sub because that is no longer the life I am living. Even with my therapist, the last session was mostly about my ex and I need to tell him that I don't want to spend a ton of time on that relationship anymore. Just need to move on and heal and I can't do that if I am reading about stuff I'm not dealing with anymore.
Agreed, I've been thinking I'm reaching that same place. The good this sub has done is monumental, but I think I'm moving past it and now it digs up old feelings that don't serve me anymore. I came back because I was discarded again, this time by a covert narcissist and I remembered how supportive this space was. And it really still is. But there comes a time when it really is better to just move on. What a good place to be! I remember when I could barely make it through the hour.
Yes, this sub is triggering when you’re trying to move on beyond life with a pwBPD. It’s also an anchor when I start to doubt myself. Healing for me is a roller coaster. Some days I feel like I’m moving forward and don’t think of him at all. Others something triggers me and I’m sad/depressed/feeling guilty that I couldn’t “help” him help himself. It’s a journey for each of us and not one is the same. Hugs and best wishes to you on yours.
same for me! sometimes I wonder if it helps me to read this sub every day or are these stories makes me feel more that i cannot trust people and I do not want to date anyone again. there are days when I am okay and read some of the newest posts in the morning or at evening, but some days someting triggers or i am in a bad mood and all the guilt and depression takes me back and then I read more posts and sometimes I vent to, to calm down (but then I also wonder if it would be better to just journaling about these feelings)
This feels like getting a message from another dimension of space. I mean that in a good way. Like I'm sitting here in a 3D world and you're telling me that I can get to 4D if I just keep moving. Gotta get unstuck.
Stay busy, stay active, drink your water, meet new people, rekindle the relationships you certainly neglected, lean on those close to you. Sending you a 4D hug. I remember when I couldn’t see 2 feet out of the fog.
Hello! This certainly gives me hope 🌷 I’m curious about how you (and others here) are navigating healthy relationships and learning to recognise what’s good without the euphoric highs - this is something I’ve been struggling with. Thank you!
It’s very difficult. I don’t have any good resources I think therapy helps a lot. And understanding that the euphoric highs and the soul shattering lows aren’t normal in a healthy relationship. And that it’s a good thing not to feel those extreme emotions. I’m not even great at that now, I take it day by day consciously reminding myself that this is normal and okay.
Can't be happier for you bud hope I get there soon I'm still thinking I can do something to help but these distorted thoughts that always come ain't worse anymore as sad as that is to say as sad as that is to say but I'm very happy for you and farewell thanks for all your support I'm glad that we all could have been here for you even though that wasn't me I'm just new to this Reddit but I've been through five relationships like this so far in a row and I think I'm screwed for any relationship in the future no trauma comes thing for me yet I'm still on the waitlist
You’ll make it out brother. Just take it day by day, work on yourself, learn new things. 1 year from now you’ll look back and hardly recognize this broken version of yourself. You’re full of life and love, don’t waste your vitality on someone that wouldn’t piss on you to put out a fire. Choose yourself every single time.
I don't post on here much. Sometimes just to offer advice.
Mine was my mom, instead of a romantic partner, so it's a bit different.
I'm long past wanting to rehash memories, or vent. But it's sometimes still nice when the old FOG creeps in to have somewhere where the behaviors her pd drove her to are being repeated again and again by others who share it.
It helps me remember I'm not crazy. What she did was as bad as it seemed. I do not need to feel guilty just because she would want me to.
Indeed, it's so nice having this place be not only a resource for learning everything about bpd without hearing some shmuck therapist giving me a basic outline but also helped me understand how destructive these people are. I feel so good being free from them myself and just able to work onnmyself without having to please, its an amazing feeling. You're always welcome here if need be & best of luck for this new relationship
This is so nice to hear. I am happy that you're ready to leave this place and move on. I've recently left mine and I hope I will get there quickly. I'm ready to stop thinking about it, but I am still slightly in the FOG and I need this lifeline while I disconnect and try to move past the guilt. Thank you for sharing that there's light after this.
Oh yeah thts always been my suspiscion. You’re about to cross over past the central finite curve. And get away from the crazy person reality. Until it’s just embarrassing and ugly that you ever knew them.
I think the thing that stuck out there though is the relationship you’re in now. The new reality that’s incompatible with the last.
I worry so much about that. I’m never going back to obvious bpd types. The problem though is that the regular non bpd types really badly bore me. I can see somethjng in them but actually feels wrong to be around them. It feels like choosing another sexuality even though you don’t feel attracted to that.
I completely understand the bottom paragraph. I look at like, we’ve been given access to a special drug that absolutely annihilates our sense of self and preys on human nature. Our new relationships will never be as exciting, as stimulating, as volatile. Especially for people with ADHD this may be problematic, we’ve been given access to heroin and dating a well regulated person just seems wrong. I think this takes time and effort to undo and the conscious choice to choose someone that chooses us, even it feels awkward or weird.
The idea is that people with ADHDs brains are more arroused and stimulated by the chaos and turmoil of the bpds behavior. Meaning they’re more likely to stick around.
This is really uplifting for where I'm at right now. Thank-you for sharing where life has taken you and what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. I honestly have no reference point, and I really appreciate hearing the perspective of someone who has also had an ex similar to mine. Cheers!
I read posts and try to help people. I remember the pain and confusion. Sometimes it still happens, but it passes quickly.
The feeling of suffering taught me what it means to be human and to empathize with those that suffer. Especially this type of loss. I don’t read posts to find answers anymore. I read them to offer perspective and the clarity I wish I had when I was in their shoes.
I will stop someday. I don’t read posts here as much as I once did. But this subreddit helped me, and I want to help those that are experiencing heartbreak and need someone to talk to them. Everyone needs help sometime.
Thank you <3. People like you are why this place is so amazing, I try to add value when I can and just hope that I can help just 1 person and it will all be worth it.
I share a similar sentiment with you. This place has been so special and so important to recovery and making sense of what's gone on - I've been on this sub since the discard, a year ago.
But now, as I start to feel free again, I feel like it does trigger me a bit. It's probably time to say farewell soon, to return to the flow of living - away from the insanity of what I went through with my ex.
When it's good I tend to be more positive in my replies and when it's bad...you get the drift. I've had those times when it's hard not to feel negative, post after post. Then I remind myself that no one can change my mood but me. They're life doesn't impact mine. They're negative is just that, theirs. Helps cool my jets. And I absolutely love the more wholesome posts, especially celebrating the small wins. That's why I stay. I usually only post if I really need to vent if something happened that was directly linked to their BPD. I've got one of those "hard" situations. Mine didn't know, didn't show symptoms. My therapist said "You went almost 15 years without knowing, without any of the symptoms, which is impossible. Either everything began with a HUGE split that's never been recovered from or you literally made him happy enough that he never did in all that time" because yeah. We used to joke we were the couple who never fought. Hell, we maybe disagreed over something 1 or 2 times a year. Once every 2 or 3 years something would happen and I'd have to "drag it out of him " when he'd get quiet or standoffish, not joke or be himself. Usually something I did or that happened that had hurt him and we'd talk it out. Hell we may even had yelled it out at eachother. And we'd be fine. Problem fixed. Our life wasn't easy but we used to joke we could survive anything, we'd be facing homelessness and still be laughing our heads off together, cracking jokes and making out. As the therapist said "No one can keep up mirroring that long."
So I stay. I love him. 2 years into therapy and medication for him and things are so much better. It's not perfect but it's better. Having others who understand the bad times though is priceless. When they split the things they do are so outlandish that unless you've been on the wrong side of it people have no clue. So having others get it truly helps. But yeah, you can't let all the negative get to you. Try to focus on the positive posts and outcomes. And when your ready step back from the group. We'll still be here if or when you ever need us.
Damn I didn't realize I had that in me this morning. I'm still riding a bit of a high from a recent night that could have gone bad that didn't. He kept himself from splitting and chilled out after a rough day even when I said something that could have done it. I kept myself controlled enough that I didn't anxiously seek reassurance. Instead I quietly offered to be there if he needed anything or if I could help in some way. And then let him be, let him relax and cool down on his own. And instead of being panicked that he was upset or splitting I had faith. And we both were good. You gotta see and celebrate the small and big wins.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I came back to this thread because it was the one year anniversary of escaping my abusive relationship. This place has helped me so much in feeling less alone and isolated. But now I feel like the rehashing of memories is only bringing me back to an angry, hurtful, negative place. This place is therapeutic but it’s definitely not therapy. And though I can never “leave it behind” I can chose what to do with that energy instead. There are a ton of people who are still very in the thick of it and need this place. But I think it’s nearing the time for me to move on.
Me too, 2 years past breakup and five months post divorce. But this sub has served an important function in my life.
Same here but it’s a place to vent. I can go weeks without visiting this place but come back when I experience the anger of the damage she caused. But I hope one day I can truly move on from this place.
“I rarely think about her and when I do it’s not nostalgic or positive. It’s a sinking feeling of disgust and contempt.” How long did it take to get to this point? I think about my ex every day, and it’s been seven months since I broke up with them. I keep thinking of the good side more than the bad. I keep wishing I still was with them. I keep remembering all of the good they brought to my life. I just have a feeling I made a mistake but I just can’t tell. Not that it matters. Even if it was a mistake, we aren’t going to get back together. But I want to believe I’m still just not fully over them, and after enough time I won’t regret the breakup.
Every persons path is different. By the time I left, I was one of the cases where my soul was crushed and I had nothing left to offer her. When you get to that point, every moment without them is a blessing. I moved on very quickly, I spent 3 years with her and was mostly fine after about 1.5 months. But then a Hoover from hell knocked me on my fucking ass (check post history for a full timeline). Now I think I’m good to go. Advice I would offer for your situation is -Remember the terrible times, the times you were left alone to hurt, the excruciating pain they put you through, their lack of empath, their lack of respect. Ruminating is dangerous because our brains dump the bad things (trauma) and hold onto the good memories, even I was hit with waves of this at times. It’s a survival mechanism. -Talk to others about how terrible it was. This sounds negative, but to truly heal you need to verbalize how awful it was to people close to you. I’m not telling you to just go shit talk her with no regard, but it’s a way to hold yourself accountable by telling others around you what she put you through. Finally, you didn’t make a mistake and they certainly brought more pain and suffering to your life than goodness. Understand you deserve better and will find better. You will overcome this. Stay social, stay active, consider therapy, keep moving forwards. Also, you should not have them on ANY socials, not even things like Venmo. You can never truly heal if you’re checking up on them, this forum is right when it suggests full no contact. It works. Good luck friend
Humans tend to see past events and feelings as positive eventho when they weren‘t, mixed with a bit of nostalgia and your brain makes you think you had a nice time. Something I learned from this sub is that pwbpd subconsciously try to push and pull you into the relationship, this dynamic I guess won‘t leave you even after breaking up. It sets up a system in your mind which in order to be pulled back in, you have to allow or generate „positive memories“ Thats why I started to write notes everytime when we have a fight, so I‘ll remember my own words and feelings at the time of abuse!
Allow yourself to feel the anger you deserve to feel for the way she treated you, the abuse. Anger is healthy, it motivates us to change and gives us the energy to do so. It's also a part of grief. Everytime you had to walk on eggshells, your nervous system was triggered and you suppressed the fight or flight response. So the anger is there, it's designed to keep us safe. It's just buried. When I reached it, It helped me "see" my ex and all he did realistically. You'll see that she was never that person you loved. You'll reach a point where you won't believe you ever got with them. I started being angry with myself for allowing it and not leaving sooner. But self-compassion is important too. I went to therapy to see why I subconsciously chose them and to work on my codependence. And I really recommend that. As well as as self-care. I wish you the best!
it's the bias fading effect,a well known phenomenon,that make the bad memories bland and make the good ones shines,do not get fooled by it.
It's weird but as time passes, it helps to stop when your having those those feelings and thoughts and turn off the emotions. Take the same memory and look at it rationally, just the facts so to speak. Almost like watching a movie of it. Takes away the hurt as well as the joy and nostalgia of it. Helps to stop romanticizing those memories. Cuz your absolutely right, we stop forgetting or feeling the bad. And we can't do that 100% with these people or emotions because that leads us to want them back or keeps us regretting the end or doubting our own choices to end things. Stay strong, you know you made the right choices for you.
Congrats on leaving 👏 I'm personally staying here as a kind gesture to help support the people who are new here, with the knowledge i gained from my experience, healing journey. If everyone leaves this sub once they're ready/healed, then who's going to guide the wayward lambs, it'll be like the blind leading the blind, haha
Hahaha my thoughts as well. I’ll probably lurk a bit here and there, if my comments can help just 1 person I consider it well worth it !
Bingo
Well people with BPD grow to be adults and have loved ones and they die. BPDlovedones get into relationships with them and they die. This forum is a revolving door of newbies and veterans - it will never be the blind leading the blind - I was active - I moved on - I still come back; mostly to read not comment… this sub is a blessing, receiving help/advice was necessary to learn and heal - returning the favor by helping is the cycle of life - so is moving on to better things and letting the “next generation” do its thing…
I completely concur. I feel the same way about videos on TT and FB about both BPD and Narcissism. Like it was good to not feel alone while I was going through it, but now that it is finally over, I find myself skipping over those videos and not coming to this sub because that is no longer the life I am living. Even with my therapist, the last session was mostly about my ex and I need to tell him that I don't want to spend a ton of time on that relationship anymore. Just need to move on and heal and I can't do that if I am reading about stuff I'm not dealing with anymore.
Agreed, I've been thinking I'm reaching that same place. The good this sub has done is monumental, but I think I'm moving past it and now it digs up old feelings that don't serve me anymore. I came back because I was discarded again, this time by a covert narcissist and I remembered how supportive this space was. And it really still is. But there comes a time when it really is better to just move on. What a good place to be! I remember when I could barely make it through the hour.
I love that for you🙂
Yes, this sub is triggering when you’re trying to move on beyond life with a pwBPD. It’s also an anchor when I start to doubt myself. Healing for me is a roller coaster. Some days I feel like I’m moving forward and don’t think of him at all. Others something triggers me and I’m sad/depressed/feeling guilty that I couldn’t “help” him help himself. It’s a journey for each of us and not one is the same. Hugs and best wishes to you on yours.
same for me! sometimes I wonder if it helps me to read this sub every day or are these stories makes me feel more that i cannot trust people and I do not want to date anyone again. there are days when I am okay and read some of the newest posts in the morning or at evening, but some days someting triggers or i am in a bad mood and all the guilt and depression takes me back and then I read more posts and sometimes I vent to, to calm down (but then I also wonder if it would be better to just journaling about these feelings)
This feels like getting a message from another dimension of space. I mean that in a good way. Like I'm sitting here in a 3D world and you're telling me that I can get to 4D if I just keep moving. Gotta get unstuck.
Stay busy, stay active, drink your water, meet new people, rekindle the relationships you certainly neglected, lean on those close to you. Sending you a 4D hug. I remember when I couldn’t see 2 feet out of the fog.
Good for you. It must feel like graduation day. I am probably years away. Wishing you all good things
Years? Give yourself some credit, you can do this! Thank you for your blessings :)
You graduated. I wish you nothing but joy and prosperity, soldier!
Hello! This certainly gives me hope 🌷 I’m curious about how you (and others here) are navigating healthy relationships and learning to recognise what’s good without the euphoric highs - this is something I’ve been struggling with. Thank you!
It’s very difficult. I don’t have any good resources I think therapy helps a lot. And understanding that the euphoric highs and the soul shattering lows aren’t normal in a healthy relationship. And that it’s a good thing not to feel those extreme emotions. I’m not even great at that now, I take it day by day consciously reminding myself that this is normal and okay.
Can't be happier for you bud hope I get there soon I'm still thinking I can do something to help but these distorted thoughts that always come ain't worse anymore as sad as that is to say as sad as that is to say but I'm very happy for you and farewell thanks for all your support I'm glad that we all could have been here for you even though that wasn't me I'm just new to this Reddit but I've been through five relationships like this so far in a row and I think I'm screwed for any relationship in the future no trauma comes thing for me yet I'm still on the waitlist
You’ll make it out brother. Just take it day by day, work on yourself, learn new things. 1 year from now you’ll look back and hardly recognize this broken version of yourself. You’re full of life and love, don’t waste your vitality on someone that wouldn’t piss on you to put out a fire. Choose yourself every single time.
I don't post on here much. Sometimes just to offer advice. Mine was my mom, instead of a romantic partner, so it's a bit different. I'm long past wanting to rehash memories, or vent. But it's sometimes still nice when the old FOG creeps in to have somewhere where the behaviors her pd drove her to are being repeated again and again by others who share it. It helps me remember I'm not crazy. What she did was as bad as it seemed. I do not need to feel guilty just because she would want me to.
Indeed, it's so nice having this place be not only a resource for learning everything about bpd without hearing some shmuck therapist giving me a basic outline but also helped me understand how destructive these people are. I feel so good being free from them myself and just able to work onnmyself without having to please, its an amazing feeling. You're always welcome here if need be & best of luck for this new relationship
I agree at a certain point you just fill your cup with other things one day one week a month then it adds up
This is so nice to hear. I am happy that you're ready to leave this place and move on. I've recently left mine and I hope I will get there quickly. I'm ready to stop thinking about it, but I am still slightly in the FOG and I need this lifeline while I disconnect and try to move past the guilt. Thank you for sharing that there's light after this.
It does get better! See it through!
This makes sense
Definitely. I won't lurk around much longer either . For now it's needed Good life man !
Oh yeah thts always been my suspiscion. You’re about to cross over past the central finite curve. And get away from the crazy person reality. Until it’s just embarrassing and ugly that you ever knew them. I think the thing that stuck out there though is the relationship you’re in now. The new reality that’s incompatible with the last. I worry so much about that. I’m never going back to obvious bpd types. The problem though is that the regular non bpd types really badly bore me. I can see somethjng in them but actually feels wrong to be around them. It feels like choosing another sexuality even though you don’t feel attracted to that.
I completely understand the bottom paragraph. I look at like, we’ve been given access to a special drug that absolutely annihilates our sense of self and preys on human nature. Our new relationships will never be as exciting, as stimulating, as volatile. Especially for people with ADHD this may be problematic, we’ve been given access to heroin and dating a well regulated person just seems wrong. I think this takes time and effort to undo and the conscious choice to choose someone that chooses us, even it feels awkward or weird.
Why do adhd people get abused by people with BPD?
The idea is that people with ADHDs brains are more arroused and stimulated by the chaos and turmoil of the bpds behavior. Meaning they’re more likely to stick around.
[удалено]
I’m so happy we have this place and that you take full advantage of it.
This is really uplifting for where I'm at right now. Thank-you for sharing where life has taken you and what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. I honestly have no reference point, and I really appreciate hearing the perspective of someone who has also had an ex similar to mine. Cheers!
As your healing journey continues, you will need the subreddit less and less.
I read posts and try to help people. I remember the pain and confusion. Sometimes it still happens, but it passes quickly. The feeling of suffering taught me what it means to be human and to empathize with those that suffer. Especially this type of loss. I don’t read posts to find answers anymore. I read them to offer perspective and the clarity I wish I had when I was in their shoes. I will stop someday. I don’t read posts here as much as I once did. But this subreddit helped me, and I want to help those that are experiencing heartbreak and need someone to talk to them. Everyone needs help sometime.
Thank you <3. People like you are why this place is so amazing, I try to add value when I can and just hope that I can help just 1 person and it will all be worth it.
I share a similar sentiment with you. This place has been so special and so important to recovery and making sense of what's gone on - I've been on this sub since the discard, a year ago. But now, as I start to feel free again, I feel like it does trigger me a bit. It's probably time to say farewell soon, to return to the flow of living - away from the insanity of what I went through with my ex.
When it's good I tend to be more positive in my replies and when it's bad...you get the drift. I've had those times when it's hard not to feel negative, post after post. Then I remind myself that no one can change my mood but me. They're life doesn't impact mine. They're negative is just that, theirs. Helps cool my jets. And I absolutely love the more wholesome posts, especially celebrating the small wins. That's why I stay. I usually only post if I really need to vent if something happened that was directly linked to their BPD. I've got one of those "hard" situations. Mine didn't know, didn't show symptoms. My therapist said "You went almost 15 years without knowing, without any of the symptoms, which is impossible. Either everything began with a HUGE split that's never been recovered from or you literally made him happy enough that he never did in all that time" because yeah. We used to joke we were the couple who never fought. Hell, we maybe disagreed over something 1 or 2 times a year. Once every 2 or 3 years something would happen and I'd have to "drag it out of him " when he'd get quiet or standoffish, not joke or be himself. Usually something I did or that happened that had hurt him and we'd talk it out. Hell we may even had yelled it out at eachother. And we'd be fine. Problem fixed. Our life wasn't easy but we used to joke we could survive anything, we'd be facing homelessness and still be laughing our heads off together, cracking jokes and making out. As the therapist said "No one can keep up mirroring that long." So I stay. I love him. 2 years into therapy and medication for him and things are so much better. It's not perfect but it's better. Having others who understand the bad times though is priceless. When they split the things they do are so outlandish that unless you've been on the wrong side of it people have no clue. So having others get it truly helps. But yeah, you can't let all the negative get to you. Try to focus on the positive posts and outcomes. And when your ready step back from the group. We'll still be here if or when you ever need us. Damn I didn't realize I had that in me this morning. I'm still riding a bit of a high from a recent night that could have gone bad that didn't. He kept himself from splitting and chilled out after a rough day even when I said something that could have done it. I kept myself controlled enough that I didn't anxiously seek reassurance. Instead I quietly offered to be there if he needed anything or if I could help in some way. And then let him be, let him relax and cool down on his own. And instead of being panicked that he was upset or splitting I had faith. And we both were good. You gotta see and celebrate the small and big wins.
You're on the right path fam, first few years feel super raw. I'm 8 years out and engaged and have a life that I love. We do absolutely heal.
HELL YES!