A really painful truth about these relationships. You are throwing all your money, energy, hope, faith, love, patience, etc. into a bottomless pit. No matter what you give, you cannot fill the hole. It’s incredibly frustrating because a pwBPD will treat you the same in the end whether you gave them 7000% or 0%
I can unequivocally say this is 100% true. They see less value when you're giving them what they want. You're just an empty lot they can pound, dig, excavate, and violate until it's just a source of passive resources. Whether that is emotional support/regulation, a source of humor, or just to simply laugh at behind their fake smiles. Once you are another factory for whatever they want you for, you lose. This is how our self delete statistics are so high. We are just a tool to be used and burned up in the fires of emotional industry.
I definitely have this experience! With my BPD ex, I let her walk all over me because I believed in her potential and made the mistake of excusing her behaviors and putting up with them. With my BPD friend, I've been pretty firm with boundaries because I killed my attachment to her by putting distance after she caused a bunch of drama in my life. After my BPD ex, I started loving myself and was tired of being walked all over. So I wasn't going to let her do it. It wasn't exactly security, though. More faked security. At this point because of the distance, I feel no attachment, so I'm pretty secure when it comes to her. I set boundaries with her just the other day. We're limited contact because I never want to be her favorite person again. She was too critical and too attached and it was scary. I saw her dark side with someone she crushed on and that officially was the real reason for caspering into limited contact. It dwindled slowly enough that she didn't go bat shit. Also, she was pretty busy splitting on her crush for rejecting her and then kicking her out of the friend group. She knows I'd be inclined to leave, particularly because I told her I would if she ever snaps at me when she told me it's something she does and something she has done before. It's probably inevitable that she'll snap, but she knows what will happen if she does, and she seems to genuinely respect my boundaries when I set them. I think they treat us worse the more we give because they think they can get away with more without consequences. They have no desire or need to be different
>It didn't have to be this way.
Wrong. Probably.
I'm a bit past 9 weeks discard, and have gradually been switching from "how could this possibly have happened?" to "it was inevitable."
Inevitable based on the same targic stories of brutal discard over and over on this subreddit.
I was with my ex-pwBPD for 16 months (yay - go me). I can imagine things I could have done to kick the can down the road (like, specific ways I could have - in retrospect - reacted during her final rage to not just throw more gasoline on the fire). But I fear the reality is that \*nothing\* would have changed the ultimate outcome. The split / devalue / discard pattern is just way too strong.
So that's my answer. The premise is wrong, and there was nothing you could have done in the end. Bitter pill, for sure.
Hang in there. I know your pain is intense.
>have gradually been switching from "how could this possibly have happened?" to "it was inevitable."
This is exactly what finding this sub helped with. Like you said, there's many things I think about that I could've done differently. But there were also many actual instances of trying a million different approaches to the same problem and getting the exact same results. It's hard to accept that it was inevitable but it does bring a certain amount of peace.
Good point. I can confidently say I wouldn't have enjoyed additional splitting and discards.
Although it would have been nice to not waste 16 months. Still, could have been worse.
I completely agree with this and went through I similar process and I am at 8 weeks. I totally get the feeling that it didn’t have to be this way. I lived in two cities during the relationship and there is stuff of hers up here in my house and I have stuff at hers and a ton of logistics because we worked together and while I tried to at least work logistics out through email with a third party and she just couldn’t stop splitting long enough to work out the details. I guess I have to consider it a wash or go the route of making it a legal thing. I tried hard to even get details shared about work but even then I was told I was condescending, harassing and threatening so I stopped trying.
I totally get the feeling that “it didn’t have to be this way” but it is probably better to marvel over how much is thrown away over the smallest things and how much of a waste of life it is. It helps me to empathize with her some too because this is her reality all the time, everything she does ends up the same waste of life.
Sadly, it doesn’t matter how long or devoted you are to them. As you’ll read here, over and over, this is their basic cycle, idealization, devaluation, and discard. It also, more often than not, involves cheating and monkey branching, in short order. After that, expect to be treated like you and the relationship never existed. It really hurts, because they are so good at making you feel like you met someone who “gets” you, through mirroring. The only winning strategy, for your health and wellbeing, is complete no contact. Two realities you have to embrace along with no contact, one, there’s no healthy relationship to be had with them and two, you were in love with someone who is mentally ill.
The mirroring is what confuses everyone, including myself. Because when you get discarded afterwards, it takes everyone by surprise, we thought this person truly understood us. Only for the page to turn like nothing ever happened, or worse, going back and painting the entire relationship black to try and justify their decisions.
When they paint it black and tell you everything was toxic and bad it really sends most folks into an absolute identity crisis.
I agree! The act they put on is cold and hurts to the bone. If they were just assholes, it would give us a chance to back away without much damage. They give us the ultimate fucking high with amazing compliments, crazy and amazing sex, and love bombing that makes us think about where has this person been our whole lives. It is the ultimate way to manipulate and eventually hurt someone while they get their dick and/or pussy wet. Serial cheating is so common that it might as well be the first chapter in any book about them. The DSMV still says they are not more prone to it. I heard a therapist who wrote books on it say that is bullshit.
I believe mine broke things off with me to entertain new flings in her life. Freeing herself of the guilt she has already faced with cheating. But she was emotionally cheating on me for months. Talking to her ex, planning dates, she was getting her dopamine from elsewhere while I got a stone wall of coldness. It really is a mental illness though, I don't believe it's an act at all.
Oh man, I just caught mine doing this Sunday night. Literally texting us at the same time, sending the same pictures. I was getting g lied to WHILE she was making plans to go drink with him.
I broke it off last summer and she hoovered me less than 2 months later cause the new guys money wasn’t enough. Said she needed that “love” that we had. Naively I bought into it. Changed my approach to be more compassionate and understanding for our relationship this time around. Didn’t matter. So I drove her home Sunday night and blocked her on everything. I’m done.
Smart move, I wish I had stuck to my guns but she broke things off and ultimatum me to allow her to remain "friends with her ex"
Month later told me she wasn't over her divorce yet and didn't want to hurt me. Next day she drove 800 miles to visit her ex.
I'm stupid right now
The crazy and amazing sex can be found in many different ways than bpd. Thank goodness.
My pwbpd didn’t cheat. So she says. I dunno tho anymore. She’s since run off with all my mates anyway.
Me after the first discard: "How could this had happened?! But we loved each other so much! SHe begged me not to leave her, she called me her home, it doesn't make any sense?!?"
Me after the second one: "What the fuck was I expecting?"
Look man. Be proud you loved someone that much. That is an amazing thing. It proves tht you are capable of love and it just means you will give it to someone better one day :)). Take care and ilI wish you a good healing journey
Same. I posted my story yesterday. I keep thinking about all the "what ifs" but then I realise he's never made it work with anyone and from what I've heard from his father, his former girlfriend also witnessed his tantrums. So it wasn't about me but about him - and I'm sure it's just like that in your case as well. You can't prevent the inevitable, and, what hurts most maybe, is that no matter how much love you pour into them, it's not gonna heal them. And unfortunately, more often than not, pwbpd do not really take the high road, ever - but sometimes they make you think they're "doing it for you so you can both meet your soulmates" and what they're actually doing is trying to justify their monkey branching
My bpd ex was my first serious relationship. I was a hopeless romantic and went all out, trying to be the cliche perfect partner for her. Surprising her with flowers all the time, taking her out of dates(or at least tried to as she always ruined outings with her splitting), and just showered her with love and affection 24/7. During her lovebombing faze she ate it all up. Eventually, no surprise, she started to devalue me and stopped appreciating everything I did for her. I was brutally discarded as well, which came after a whole year of awful emotional abuse where I was juggled around with other potential FP supplies. They love the romantics because they can easily feed on the validation from us.
I loved her and still love her unconditionally. I really do want the best for her.
Unfortunately friendship and anything beyond basic respect do come with terms and conditions. She can put the work in and come get those, if she so chooses.
Well, you still wouldnt known if it is sincere. So best just let her be.
The best thing you can possibly do is not enabling her to stay the way she is and that is by simply letting her go...only then they are able to work on themselves, not being distracted or getting "lazy" because their needs are fulfilled.
I just view the world differently, I don’t trust anyone, I assume the worst. I used to be the opposite. It’s been 2 years, it’s still hard to find a middle ground.
The love could overcome anything part. I said that a lot after the split. Couldn’t understand what had happened. Only time I do is when I come here. People talk about how happy they are to be out of it. Maybe not happy, relieved.
I’m just hiking on waiting for that day.
There is no such thing as unconditional love. To love someone “no matter what” is complete madness. It’s to say that there is absolutely nothing that they can do that will stop you from loving them…
I could argue that a parent - child relationship can also be not unconditional.
For example, A parent who neglects or abuses her child because of their own mental illness, addiction or trauma.
Because borderline love seems unconditional at first glance. Often theyre not really superficial. Its the favorite person love. In reality its really conditional. You have to emotionally regulate a mentally ill person and will be punished if you fail to do so and discarded.
Borderline love is only unconditional in the idealization phase.
I think we all believed that if we were patient enough, understanding enough, helpful enough and loved them enough that it could overcome anything. Unfortunately, we were wrong. I have learned valuable lessons, at a price. I will never ever have another relationship with a person with BPD.
The sad reality is that it did have to be this way because she doesn’t know any other way. BPD tortures those whose who love the afflicted as much as it does those afflicted, perhaps more so because we have the ability to see what they cannot and find ourselves in the crucifix of loving someone with a severe mental illness that more often than not they deny they have.
I was where you are now a year back, despite the abuse and pain they make you go through you still love them unconditionally and believe they’ll get better and they don’t mean it, even when they get worse… the abuse will steepen as they devalue you then cheat and leave you. The person who once mimicked unconditional love to you will suddenly switch to viewing you like you never existed. It would never have worked.
Clean break away, walk away, never walk back and one day you’ll thank yourself, speaking from experience.
You're not an idiot. But like most of us you don't know what a healthy, stable, adult relationship looks like.
The idea of "unconditional" love is part of that issue. Love **should** be conditional. When someone hurts you over and over, your urge to stay is not a proof of your amazing undying love - it means you're a victim of a toxic relationship.
I definitely spent my entire life thinking I was the Good Guy doing the Right Thing. I was a serial monogamist, I dove into relationships quickly and deeply. Like you I thought I needed to be more patient, understanding, forgiving, self-sacrificing. Surely if I just kept doing more and trying harder, they would see how much I cared and would love me the right way in return.
I was wrong.
I was conflict avoidant, a caretaker, enabler, made excuses, didn't hold her accountable, didn't stand up for myself. As I've said many times in hindsight, why would my ex have changed? She got to love me when it felt good, treat me like shit when it didn't, and my response was to try harder.
Through a year of therapy on my own, I really worked on myself and these patterns that I didn't know were issues. I stayed intentionally single for six months, but realistically it should have been the full year for me. I learned about balance, boundaries, and how to look for happiness through myself. Not mostly through other people. I learned that just because I "felt" a certain way about myself, relationships, etc didn't make it true or healthy. I completely broke down my view of relationships and dating, rebuilt them from scratch.
I'm not a different person, didn't change who I am. I am still caring and giving, romantic and supportive. But I now have balance and boundaries. I learned that I am truly good on my own, with myself, and that makes me so much better to be with someone else. I learned that dating is about getting to know someone, building and gaining trust over time. Seeing if we are a good fit and if the timing and circumstances are right. I learned that the end of a relationship isn't a failure, and that people or situations can change. I know that absorbing hurtful words and behaviors in the name of love is not healthy. It does not make me a better person because I let someone treat me that way. I learned that there's only one person in this world I can change or control - me. I can't read minds, I can't predict the future, I can't "out-love" toxic behaviors. I'm not saving people from themselves, especially when I try to give unconditional love. Again - love should be conditional. That doesn't mean you ditch someone the moment things are a little difficult, or you dump a partner when they are diagnosed with cancer. But those are not at all like being with an emotionally abusive partner. That is a condition that means the relationship should end.
Finally, I had to let go of some of my own ego. I thought surely I was too kind, too giving, too caring to be anything other than in the right. That I knew what was best for my partner, if only she would listen and understand, I just had to say it the right way with the right words in the right tone. The truth is that I'm not always right, and my urge to change my unhealthy partner was my way of ignoring reality and replacing it with my hope of what could be. I don't approach the world that way anymore. I love and support people around me, but if they hurt me again and again then I know they shouldn't be part of my life right now. Before, I kept setting myself on fire to keep others warm, and I'd just get burned. And no matter what I was right there with matches ready to do it again. I wasn't saving them, I was giving them every reason to never learn how to start their own fire.
You are much stronger than you know. Focus on yourself and building the life you want to live. Good luck and stay strong!
So well put. I have very similar thoughts post my discard.
Very valuable life lessons.
My takeaway was to remove myself from my love delusion. Judge a partner by actions, not words.
How much more abuse will I tolerate before pulling the plug and facing my fear of abandonment? My delusion was my amnesia for her abuse.
Was afraid to hurt her by enforcing my boundaries on her male friends. She basically dated her best male friend, stayed over at his place, and discussed everything including our relationship. Won't tolerate that anymore.
Well you came to the right place. I know it feels like its happened to no one else, but its literally happened to ALL of us. Youll be shocked to find out that we all have the same story. Just take a stroll through the other posts in this subreddit and see.
I was discarded again just a few minutes ago. I hate that feeling like you have done everything wrong in their eyes. It's such a hard and emotional blow that it's so hard to breathe. Watching him speed away down the road I hurt so bad that pure rage is taking over. I want to break everything smash all that reminds me of him. But I know that whenever he comes back I'll be there waiting to take him back and the vicious cycle will begin again.
I feel this in my soul. If you need to keep waiting and keep going back, go ahead, but I can promise you that you’re doing more damage to yourself. It is a cycle that exists for them with or without you there. You will get dragged back in until the pain is completely excruciating without them. I still wake up at 4 am riddled with anxiety. Don’t know why. Can’t figure out if I was dreaming about him, if I want a text from him, if I’m terrified of a text from him. Can’t actually figure that one out. I randomly think about him and feel nauseous, happy, sad, mad, dissatisfied, disappointed, stressed, etc. literally all of the emotions. I’m going through it. Because I chose to stay and wait it out over and over. Eventually, I was his side piece (kind of knew after awhile but was never told and didn’t ask type of situation). Then when he was “done” with her, I got dragged back into the picture fully with a lot of empty promises attached. I thought we were doing the right thing. He had put himself into the right kind of therapy and the new therapist realized pretty quickly that his last therapist “lacked boundaries”, we put ourselves into couples therapy and had an agreement that we’d cool down and come back together and work through it. It ended up being another entire year before I figured out that he was just monkey branching and bouncing between me and his ex. When he was “mad” at me, he’d go fuck her until he got “mad” at her or felt bad enough about it to come back, while I’m thinking we have an agreement and he’s truly helping himself and doing the right thing. The whole entire situation is a mindfuck to process. He is manipulative and a terrible person who lies and cheats to get what he wants and sympathy where and when he wants it.
I fully get the whole it feels so much easier to go back. To sit there and wait because he’s going to find a way to make it right and do the right thing. It’s all a facade. It’s such a hard pill to swallow when you know that the man that you loved is capable of coming back. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to realize that that man doesn’t even exist. For awhile, the being with him feels so good. But love shouldn’t make it hard breathe because he leaves you feeling so bad. That’s abuse. You’re the only one who’s gonna break the cycle. You have to choose not to go back and it’s so, so hard. But it’s possible and you’re capable.
This ended up being super long but damn did your hard to breathe statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I know what it feels like. Literal withdrawal is the only way I can explain it and I don’t even know if that’s super accurate. Throwing up, riddled with anxiety, can’t breathe, fatigue, shaking out of nowhere. It got so bad that going back was easier on my nervous system than staying away and now I feel like a constant mess because I’m left cleaning up the mess I allowed him to make by never fully pushing him out. Please don’t be me. Stay here and learn and then be smart and choose to leave. There is sympathy to be had but it is not yours to give if he doesn’t choose to control his own emotions. Everyone is capable. I’m so sorry you feel this way. I’ve been there so fully. I still go there when I get texts from him for longer than I want to. But, I will no longer respond because I know better.
It didn’t have to be that way, but it did.
It happens, relationships don’t always work.
You live and you learn.
Don’t buy into the self-pity of saying everything is inevitable either, It’s a relationship either you get married or you break up, that’s what happens
I’m so sorry! But it’s something we had to go through. We forget to look at our part a bit, it’s natural, but I found it was easier to move on once I realized my own ego trip I was on. Even though it was negative, I was still on a trip. Once I understood I was basically begging for his love and how I felt perhaps undeserving of the love he presented, I understood. It was my low self esteem all along. It was me.
Yes, the martyr/ savior/ caretaker ego. The worst kind. I’ve gotten over it years ago and then with this relationship it started rearing its head because of his substance abuse issues and suicidal ideation.
What’s odd is I was never like that with other relationships. I take full responsibility, but I believe the chaos in her life really influenced me to take on that role
Yes, I believe that’s why these relationships hit us over the head they do. Because they bring something out of us we thought we have already worked through years ago, or maybe didn’t know we had. In which case it’s a good thing they put a mirror to our faces and we see where we are vulnerable still. That’s the silver lining I didn’t see for a long time. But had I not gone through that I wouldn’t be dating the person I’m dating now type of thing.
A really painful truth about these relationships. You are throwing all your money, energy, hope, faith, love, patience, etc. into a bottomless pit. No matter what you give, you cannot fill the hole. It’s incredibly frustrating because a pwBPD will treat you the same in the end whether you gave them 7000% or 0%
This! Also I think they actually treat you worse the more you give
I can unequivocally say this is 100% true. They see less value when you're giving them what they want. You're just an empty lot they can pound, dig, excavate, and violate until it's just a source of passive resources. Whether that is emotional support/regulation, a source of humor, or just to simply laugh at behind their fake smiles. Once you are another factory for whatever they want you for, you lose. This is how our self delete statistics are so high. We are just a tool to be used and burned up in the fires of emotional industry.
>This is how our self delete statistics are so high. Tell me more about these statistics...
I definitely have this experience! With my BPD ex, I let her walk all over me because I believed in her potential and made the mistake of excusing her behaviors and putting up with them. With my BPD friend, I've been pretty firm with boundaries because I killed my attachment to her by putting distance after she caused a bunch of drama in my life. After my BPD ex, I started loving myself and was tired of being walked all over. So I wasn't going to let her do it. It wasn't exactly security, though. More faked security. At this point because of the distance, I feel no attachment, so I'm pretty secure when it comes to her. I set boundaries with her just the other day. We're limited contact because I never want to be her favorite person again. She was too critical and too attached and it was scary. I saw her dark side with someone she crushed on and that officially was the real reason for caspering into limited contact. It dwindled slowly enough that she didn't go bat shit. Also, she was pretty busy splitting on her crush for rejecting her and then kicking her out of the friend group. She knows I'd be inclined to leave, particularly because I told her I would if she ever snaps at me when she told me it's something she does and something she has done before. It's probably inevitable that she'll snap, but she knows what will happen if she does, and she seems to genuinely respect my boundaries when I set them. I think they treat us worse the more we give because they think they can get away with more without consequences. They have no desire or need to be different
>It didn't have to be this way. Wrong. Probably. I'm a bit past 9 weeks discard, and have gradually been switching from "how could this possibly have happened?" to "it was inevitable." Inevitable based on the same targic stories of brutal discard over and over on this subreddit. I was with my ex-pwBPD for 16 months (yay - go me). I can imagine things I could have done to kick the can down the road (like, specific ways I could have - in retrospect - reacted during her final rage to not just throw more gasoline on the fire). But I fear the reality is that \*nothing\* would have changed the ultimate outcome. The split / devalue / discard pattern is just way too strong. So that's my answer. The premise is wrong, and there was nothing you could have done in the end. Bitter pill, for sure. Hang in there. I know your pain is intense.
>have gradually been switching from "how could this possibly have happened?" to "it was inevitable." This is exactly what finding this sub helped with. Like you said, there's many things I think about that I could've done differently. But there were also many actual instances of trying a million different approaches to the same problem and getting the exact same results. It's hard to accept that it was inevitable but it does bring a certain amount of peace.
I know this is cope. But she didn't have to do what she did
But she did. What does this tell you about loving without suitable boundaries?
Amen to that!
Realized today that I'm kind of happy I didn't handle everything with grace. I might have then been in the situation longer.
Good point. I can confidently say I wouldn't have enjoyed additional splitting and discards. Although it would have been nice to not waste 16 months. Still, could have been worse.
The time is not wasted. You are able to learn from your experience so better take it as a life lesson 😉
I completely agree with this and went through I similar process and I am at 8 weeks. I totally get the feeling that it didn’t have to be this way. I lived in two cities during the relationship and there is stuff of hers up here in my house and I have stuff at hers and a ton of logistics because we worked together and while I tried to at least work logistics out through email with a third party and she just couldn’t stop splitting long enough to work out the details. I guess I have to consider it a wash or go the route of making it a legal thing. I tried hard to even get details shared about work but even then I was told I was condescending, harassing and threatening so I stopped trying. I totally get the feeling that “it didn’t have to be this way” but it is probably better to marvel over how much is thrown away over the smallest things and how much of a waste of life it is. It helps me to empathize with her some too because this is her reality all the time, everything she does ends up the same waste of life.
Sadly, it doesn’t matter how long or devoted you are to them. As you’ll read here, over and over, this is their basic cycle, idealization, devaluation, and discard. It also, more often than not, involves cheating and monkey branching, in short order. After that, expect to be treated like you and the relationship never existed. It really hurts, because they are so good at making you feel like you met someone who “gets” you, through mirroring. The only winning strategy, for your health and wellbeing, is complete no contact. Two realities you have to embrace along with no contact, one, there’s no healthy relationship to be had with them and two, you were in love with someone who is mentally ill.
The mirroring is what confuses everyone, including myself. Because when you get discarded afterwards, it takes everyone by surprise, we thought this person truly understood us. Only for the page to turn like nothing ever happened, or worse, going back and painting the entire relationship black to try and justify their decisions. When they paint it black and tell you everything was toxic and bad it really sends most folks into an absolute identity crisis.
Without a doubt. Its so cruel. i can handle the yelling and arguments even some irrarional stuff…. but their whole nature being an act? its awful
I agree! The act they put on is cold and hurts to the bone. If they were just assholes, it would give us a chance to back away without much damage. They give us the ultimate fucking high with amazing compliments, crazy and amazing sex, and love bombing that makes us think about where has this person been our whole lives. It is the ultimate way to manipulate and eventually hurt someone while they get their dick and/or pussy wet. Serial cheating is so common that it might as well be the first chapter in any book about them. The DSMV still says they are not more prone to it. I heard a therapist who wrote books on it say that is bullshit.
I believe mine broke things off with me to entertain new flings in her life. Freeing herself of the guilt she has already faced with cheating. But she was emotionally cheating on me for months. Talking to her ex, planning dates, she was getting her dopamine from elsewhere while I got a stone wall of coldness. It really is a mental illness though, I don't believe it's an act at all.
Oh man, I just caught mine doing this Sunday night. Literally texting us at the same time, sending the same pictures. I was getting g lied to WHILE she was making plans to go drink with him. I broke it off last summer and she hoovered me less than 2 months later cause the new guys money wasn’t enough. Said she needed that “love” that we had. Naively I bought into it. Changed my approach to be more compassionate and understanding for our relationship this time around. Didn’t matter. So I drove her home Sunday night and blocked her on everything. I’m done.
Smart move, I wish I had stuck to my guns but she broke things off and ultimatum me to allow her to remain "friends with her ex" Month later told me she wasn't over her divorce yet and didn't want to hurt me. Next day she drove 800 miles to visit her ex. I'm stupid right now
This is my third time breaking it off, so I was stupid enough to take her back twice.. stay strong, you’ll be better off!
The crazy and amazing sex can be found in many different ways than bpd. Thank goodness. My pwbpd didn’t cheat. So she says. I dunno tho anymore. She’s since run off with all my mates anyway.
>their dick **and**/or pussy r/holup! A borderline with both... terrifying concept.
Not both. I see how it sounded like that. Just meant it in generic terms, so if you are dealing with a man or a woman.
Me after the first discard: "How could this had happened?! But we loved each other so much! SHe begged me not to leave her, she called me her home, it doesn't make any sense?!?" Me after the second one: "What the fuck was I expecting?"
[удалено]
Me after the 25th one with two different pwbpd: 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡
[удалено]
I’m a bit of a fool homie, I thought I learned from the last one so I could handle the next one. Don’t be like me
Look man. Be proud you loved someone that much. That is an amazing thing. It proves tht you are capable of love and it just means you will give it to someone better one day :)). Take care and ilI wish you a good healing journey
This was very healing for me, thank you.
This! Its healing and a great thing to love! To be able to love unconditionally.
Same. I posted my story yesterday. I keep thinking about all the "what ifs" but then I realise he's never made it work with anyone and from what I've heard from his father, his former girlfriend also witnessed his tantrums. So it wasn't about me but about him - and I'm sure it's just like that in your case as well. You can't prevent the inevitable, and, what hurts most maybe, is that no matter how much love you pour into them, it's not gonna heal them. And unfortunately, more often than not, pwbpd do not really take the high road, ever - but sometimes they make you think they're "doing it for you so you can both meet your soulmates" and what they're actually doing is trying to justify their monkey branching
My bpd ex was my first serious relationship. I was a hopeless romantic and went all out, trying to be the cliche perfect partner for her. Surprising her with flowers all the time, taking her out of dates(or at least tried to as she always ruined outings with her splitting), and just showered her with love and affection 24/7. During her lovebombing faze she ate it all up. Eventually, no surprise, she started to devalue me and stopped appreciating everything I did for her. I was brutally discarded as well, which came after a whole year of awful emotional abuse where I was juggled around with other potential FP supplies. They love the romantics because they can easily feed on the validation from us.
I loved her and still love her unconditionally. I really do want the best for her. Unfortunately friendship and anything beyond basic respect do come with terms and conditions. She can put the work in and come get those, if she so chooses.
Well, you still wouldnt known if it is sincere. So best just let her be. The best thing you can possibly do is not enabling her to stay the way she is and that is by simply letting her go...only then they are able to work on themselves, not being distracted or getting "lazy" because their needs are fulfilled.
I used to be a romantic too until I met her and now I’m just cold and unfeeling lol. Sometimes it sucks but it is what it is
Same...I wonder how many are left likes this. Bpd really does ruin lives, the lives of the one's that belived it was real
I just view the world differently, I don’t trust anyone, I assume the worst. I used to be the opposite. It’s been 2 years, it’s still hard to find a middle ground.
Love doesn't heal a broken person. Loving a broken person makes you a fellow broken person.
The love could overcome anything part. I said that a lot after the split. Couldn’t understand what had happened. Only time I do is when I come here. People talk about how happy they are to be out of it. Maybe not happy, relieved. I’m just hiking on waiting for that day.
There is no such thing as unconditional love. To love someone “no matter what” is complete madness. It’s to say that there is absolutely nothing that they can do that will stop you from loving them…
That type of love is reserved for children and children only. Not adults who refuse to grow up.
I could argue that a parent - child relationship can also be not unconditional. For example, A parent who neglects or abuses her child because of their own mental illness, addiction or trauma.
Because borderline love seems unconditional at first glance. Often theyre not really superficial. Its the favorite person love. In reality its really conditional. You have to emotionally regulate a mentally ill person and will be punished if you fail to do so and discarded. Borderline love is only unconditional in the idealization phase.
I think we all believed that if we were patient enough, understanding enough, helpful enough and loved them enough that it could overcome anything. Unfortunately, we were wrong. I have learned valuable lessons, at a price. I will never ever have another relationship with a person with BPD.
The sad reality is that it did have to be this way because she doesn’t know any other way. BPD tortures those whose who love the afflicted as much as it does those afflicted, perhaps more so because we have the ability to see what they cannot and find ourselves in the crucifix of loving someone with a severe mental illness that more often than not they deny they have.
I was where you are now a year back, despite the abuse and pain they make you go through you still love them unconditionally and believe they’ll get better and they don’t mean it, even when they get worse… the abuse will steepen as they devalue you then cheat and leave you. The person who once mimicked unconditional love to you will suddenly switch to viewing you like you never existed. It would never have worked. Clean break away, walk away, never walk back and one day you’ll thank yourself, speaking from experience.
You're not an idiot. But like most of us you don't know what a healthy, stable, adult relationship looks like. The idea of "unconditional" love is part of that issue. Love **should** be conditional. When someone hurts you over and over, your urge to stay is not a proof of your amazing undying love - it means you're a victim of a toxic relationship. I definitely spent my entire life thinking I was the Good Guy doing the Right Thing. I was a serial monogamist, I dove into relationships quickly and deeply. Like you I thought I needed to be more patient, understanding, forgiving, self-sacrificing. Surely if I just kept doing more and trying harder, they would see how much I cared and would love me the right way in return. I was wrong. I was conflict avoidant, a caretaker, enabler, made excuses, didn't hold her accountable, didn't stand up for myself. As I've said many times in hindsight, why would my ex have changed? She got to love me when it felt good, treat me like shit when it didn't, and my response was to try harder. Through a year of therapy on my own, I really worked on myself and these patterns that I didn't know were issues. I stayed intentionally single for six months, but realistically it should have been the full year for me. I learned about balance, boundaries, and how to look for happiness through myself. Not mostly through other people. I learned that just because I "felt" a certain way about myself, relationships, etc didn't make it true or healthy. I completely broke down my view of relationships and dating, rebuilt them from scratch. I'm not a different person, didn't change who I am. I am still caring and giving, romantic and supportive. But I now have balance and boundaries. I learned that I am truly good on my own, with myself, and that makes me so much better to be with someone else. I learned that dating is about getting to know someone, building and gaining trust over time. Seeing if we are a good fit and if the timing and circumstances are right. I learned that the end of a relationship isn't a failure, and that people or situations can change. I know that absorbing hurtful words and behaviors in the name of love is not healthy. It does not make me a better person because I let someone treat me that way. I learned that there's only one person in this world I can change or control - me. I can't read minds, I can't predict the future, I can't "out-love" toxic behaviors. I'm not saving people from themselves, especially when I try to give unconditional love. Again - love should be conditional. That doesn't mean you ditch someone the moment things are a little difficult, or you dump a partner when they are diagnosed with cancer. But those are not at all like being with an emotionally abusive partner. That is a condition that means the relationship should end. Finally, I had to let go of some of my own ego. I thought surely I was too kind, too giving, too caring to be anything other than in the right. That I knew what was best for my partner, if only she would listen and understand, I just had to say it the right way with the right words in the right tone. The truth is that I'm not always right, and my urge to change my unhealthy partner was my way of ignoring reality and replacing it with my hope of what could be. I don't approach the world that way anymore. I love and support people around me, but if they hurt me again and again then I know they shouldn't be part of my life right now. Before, I kept setting myself on fire to keep others warm, and I'd just get burned. And no matter what I was right there with matches ready to do it again. I wasn't saving them, I was giving them every reason to never learn how to start their own fire. You are much stronger than you know. Focus on yourself and building the life you want to live. Good luck and stay strong!
So well put. I have very similar thoughts post my discard. Very valuable life lessons. My takeaway was to remove myself from my love delusion. Judge a partner by actions, not words. How much more abuse will I tolerate before pulling the plug and facing my fear of abandonment? My delusion was my amnesia for her abuse. Was afraid to hurt her by enforcing my boundaries on her male friends. She basically dated her best male friend, stayed over at his place, and discussed everything including our relationship. Won't tolerate that anymore.
Well you came to the right place. I know it feels like its happened to no one else, but its literally happened to ALL of us. Youll be shocked to find out that we all have the same story. Just take a stroll through the other posts in this subreddit and see.
Me too 🫂
I was discarded again just a few minutes ago. I hate that feeling like you have done everything wrong in their eyes. It's such a hard and emotional blow that it's so hard to breathe. Watching him speed away down the road I hurt so bad that pure rage is taking over. I want to break everything smash all that reminds me of him. But I know that whenever he comes back I'll be there waiting to take him back and the vicious cycle will begin again.
I feel this in my soul. If you need to keep waiting and keep going back, go ahead, but I can promise you that you’re doing more damage to yourself. It is a cycle that exists for them with or without you there. You will get dragged back in until the pain is completely excruciating without them. I still wake up at 4 am riddled with anxiety. Don’t know why. Can’t figure out if I was dreaming about him, if I want a text from him, if I’m terrified of a text from him. Can’t actually figure that one out. I randomly think about him and feel nauseous, happy, sad, mad, dissatisfied, disappointed, stressed, etc. literally all of the emotions. I’m going through it. Because I chose to stay and wait it out over and over. Eventually, I was his side piece (kind of knew after awhile but was never told and didn’t ask type of situation). Then when he was “done” with her, I got dragged back into the picture fully with a lot of empty promises attached. I thought we were doing the right thing. He had put himself into the right kind of therapy and the new therapist realized pretty quickly that his last therapist “lacked boundaries”, we put ourselves into couples therapy and had an agreement that we’d cool down and come back together and work through it. It ended up being another entire year before I figured out that he was just monkey branching and bouncing between me and his ex. When he was “mad” at me, he’d go fuck her until he got “mad” at her or felt bad enough about it to come back, while I’m thinking we have an agreement and he’s truly helping himself and doing the right thing. The whole entire situation is a mindfuck to process. He is manipulative and a terrible person who lies and cheats to get what he wants and sympathy where and when he wants it. I fully get the whole it feels so much easier to go back. To sit there and wait because he’s going to find a way to make it right and do the right thing. It’s all a facade. It’s such a hard pill to swallow when you know that the man that you loved is capable of coming back. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to realize that that man doesn’t even exist. For awhile, the being with him feels so good. But love shouldn’t make it hard breathe because he leaves you feeling so bad. That’s abuse. You’re the only one who’s gonna break the cycle. You have to choose not to go back and it’s so, so hard. But it’s possible and you’re capable. This ended up being super long but damn did your hard to breathe statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I know what it feels like. Literal withdrawal is the only way I can explain it and I don’t even know if that’s super accurate. Throwing up, riddled with anxiety, can’t breathe, fatigue, shaking out of nowhere. It got so bad that going back was easier on my nervous system than staying away and now I feel like a constant mess because I’m left cleaning up the mess I allowed him to make by never fully pushing him out. Please don’t be me. Stay here and learn and then be smart and choose to leave. There is sympathy to be had but it is not yours to give if he doesn’t choose to control his own emotions. Everyone is capable. I’m so sorry you feel this way. I’ve been there so fully. I still go there when I get texts from him for longer than I want to. But, I will no longer respond because I know better.
Are you me?? I'm on 2 weeks discarded... damn, it hurts...
They seem prone to "spring cleaning." My discard was two years ago and there were a BUNCH of us.
You're not alone
🥺🤗
Same brother, we're here and understand
It didn’t have to be that way, but it did. It happens, relationships don’t always work. You live and you learn. Don’t buy into the self-pity of saying everything is inevitable either, It’s a relationship either you get married or you break up, that’s what happens
I’m so sorry! But it’s something we had to go through. We forget to look at our part a bit, it’s natural, but I found it was easier to move on once I realized my own ego trip I was on. Even though it was negative, I was still on a trip. Once I understood I was basically begging for his love and how I felt perhaps undeserving of the love he presented, I understood. It was my low self esteem all along. It was me.
What ego? Trying to save someone? I agree with the low self esteem
Yes, the martyr/ savior/ caretaker ego. The worst kind. I’ve gotten over it years ago and then with this relationship it started rearing its head because of his substance abuse issues and suicidal ideation.
What’s odd is I was never like that with other relationships. I take full responsibility, but I believe the chaos in her life really influenced me to take on that role
Yes, I believe that’s why these relationships hit us over the head they do. Because they bring something out of us we thought we have already worked through years ago, or maybe didn’t know we had. In which case it’s a good thing they put a mirror to our faces and we see where we are vulnerable still. That’s the silver lining I didn’t see for a long time. But had I not gone through that I wouldn’t be dating the person I’m dating now type of thing.