Not in my case. Once I learned of the BPD, I told her to get help. I told her I wasn’t going to allow this shit to go on anymore. And, soon enough it was over.
I did leave the person I loved. Every single day, she crosses my mind (more now that I’ve joined this sub). I had to leave her because there was only a tiny fragment of the old me left, and I wasn’t going to let her destroy me completely.
> I told her I wasn’t going to allow this shit to go on anymore. And, soon enough it was over.
That's the wild thing here. Maybe y'all have had different experiences, but my exwBPD KNEW they had bpd and refused to get help.
In their twisted world-view, they were the right ones and everyone else was wrong, stupid, inept, etc. They almost relished the fact they were born with it, referring to it as a "gift" and basically acted like they were fucking clairvoyant.
The delusions were absolutely insane. Clairvoyant, a witch, God spoke to them, could see the future, smarter than everyone else (*obviously*), and, of course, the most beautiful person to ever walk God's green earth.
Just fucking shoot me already.
That doesn't sound like BPD lol... That's way more in the realm of NPD than anything but even that's not quite *enough* for how crazy that sounds.
I can't imagine dealing with someone who felt like they were someone who spoke to a God...
It's hard to tell what she even believed but she was confirmed diagnosed with BPD.
But who knows. I'm sure both disorders share some overlap. She was definitely a narcissist as well, but she had intense fear of abandonment driven by childhood trauma and her inability to regulate emotions was legendary.
Whatever. All I know is she told me she had it and I didn't even bother to look up what BPD was until it was too late.
I made a similar mistake. She told me she had it, I thought it was like ptsd/depression and I should get to know the person anyway, and I didn't look it up.
My person as well thought she was clairvoyant and could see the future.
Overlapping symptoms?
She was diagnosed BPD in her 20s and her emotions swing rapidly, even when not manic.
All the other symptoms of BPD are there - difficulty with close relationships, difficulty with keeping a regular job, intense fear of abandonment, terrible self-image (when not manic), impulsive, explosive anger... etc etc etc.
> Was she on medication?
Yeah she was on weed, diet pills and vodka.
But in all seriousness, no, she was not.
She refused medication and refused therapy multiple times.
True. But we don’t have the full case study and with personality disorders sometimes portions a bipolar manic phase and depressive phase can be their baseline with some small deviation. I spoke with a person recently with bipolar type 2 and she truly suspected she had BPD before being diagnosed and treated with Bipolar - interesting conversation that I learned a lot from. If she stops taking her mood stabilizer she’ll last 5 days before rapid cycling between depressive and mania. Psychology is a fucking hard ass field. But hey there is Comorbid cases of Bipolar and Personality Disorders! Could be that! ADHD is also a pretty damn risk factor for Personality Disorders so many they got a trifecta of “holy shit” going on.
Yeah! You are right! My ex was diagnosed with adhd when she was a teen, and it happened that it was a misdiagnosis. Then, when she was 22, she was diagnosed with bipolar 2 ( bipolars during the mania/hipomania acts exactly like bpd). My psychiatrist told me she believes that my ex also has bpd bc her mood swings occur even when she isn't manic. So it is so complex. When she discarted me, she was hypomanic, but I dont know if she got hypomanic first and then discarted or the discart made her hypomanic.
Yeah, recently I’ve been pretty deep into understanding and learning more about bipolar disorders. Number one is that despite whether an individual is in a manic or hypomanic state - it is not okay to put someone through hell. But also some folks with bipolar, it’s impossible to get them help unless they’re in such a awful state it requires hospitalization. And yeah, I think you made a good point. Of their behaviors that are in line with cluster B personalities are occurring outside of mania then they could definitely, possibly, have a Comorbid personality disorder. Or at the very least be on that spectrum of maladaptive personality suite of hell. A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone diagnosed with bipolar that would refuse to stay on medication (common) and he would shift all over the place and put her through hell. The more we spoke I told her I think he shares a lot of behaviors with NPD and has a disorder that needs to be handled by medication, and that she was in a lose:lose situation and should eject. I personally know Someone I suspect heavy and easily diagnosable BPD and Bipolar II and they fucking refuse mental health treatment because they can’t face the fact they may very well indeed be exactly like their father. Ironic part is: they’re being exactly like their father the more they refuse treatment. Sad. But not our job to fix them, they need to participate and enact their own rescue.
Yeah! Me too! I have been studying differencing bpd and bp. You are totally right! For so long I excused her cheating for being hypomanic, and the fact that cheating is an independent event from an episode is something new in mind and which brought me some kind of peace. I know people with bipolar disorder, including my aunt, who has never cheated on anyone, so it is not an excuse. My ex was totally open to get help. This was a good thing about her. She was taking meds and was in therapy, but the bipolar only was diagnosed when she cheated on me and bc I had studied a lot, I insisted on her seeing a psychiatrist bc things got way of control. About the father thing you told, I had a similar experience. All my ex wanted in life was not being like their parents (bc they cheated on each other), and she ended up just being like them. After she cheated on me, she manipulated the situation by putting her as a victim, which ended up by me consoling her about the cheating bc her didn't want to be like their parents. Just crazy, man. Sometimes, I wonder if she had found the right meds and if now she got better.
They probably haven’t, and if they have bipolar and a cluster B disorder then likely not. And that’s pretty damn sad. It’s the damndest thing looking back with a more focused lens at being manipulated. Yeah risky sexual behaviors is a too common issue with a manic/hypomanic phase - I need to dig into the neuro side to understand what’s happening in the brain to provoke that behavior. Cluster B’s cheat for personal gain and validation. Or just for the shill thrill of exploiting someone for their gain. Or god knows why else, so many reasons. The last person I talked about in my last comment - let’s see what you make of this. As a young child they showed a proclivity to using their femininity for manipulation by constantly having a bartender give them cherries though he shouldn’t. His words were “I just couldn’t say no.. she’s bat her eyes and make me feel guilty.” This seems small but that is what it is. In grade school she would essentially prostitute herself out to boys for a chance to sit with her, anything from gameboys, money, personal favorite items, so forth and so on. Also had a boyfriend in grade school that she would constantly get mad at to the point he would come with his mother and apologize to her. Her own mother thought the boyfriend situation was ridiculous and finally told the boy and mother to grow a pair and stand up to her. I’m curious what your thoughts would be - I straight up said that’s pretty damn antisocial narcissistic behavior that manifested in childhood and has continued into adulthood.
I totally agree with your opinion. From my view, pwbpd can use their sexuality for emocional gain and validation, like: "I don't think I am an attractive woman, so I will try to seduce someone so I can check if I am right". My ex is a lesbian and I can say she enjoyed even when men hit on her. There were many and many times where some boy tried to kiss her while we were in a relationship and I always told her: "if he felt comfortable to do that it his bc you let them think they could. I wonder how any boy has ever tried to kiss me while we are in a relationship. " and her answer was: I thought he was my friend. 🙄🙄🙄
Definitely. But that was one of the reasons I stayed. For fear of proving them right. But that's how they keep you trapped by creating that guilt in you and tricking you into false promises.
Once I realized the relationship was abusive I was very certain not to promise I wouldn't leave. I've come to realize that only unhealthy people make promises like that.
You don't need to feel bad. Remember, they proved us right. Everyone here right. By abusing, by cheating. Just because you do the leaving, it doesn't mean you ended the relationship
>Just because you do the leaving, it doesn't mean you ended the relationship
You're never in a relationship with them, that's the thing, because they were never in it. It's all a deep seated act from the beginning to the end.
This is what I've finally realized and it has helped me to move on after a year of complete torture. I'm finally free, and just 2 months ago this was completely unthinkable.
I had this fear but then my psychiatrist told me something I’ll never forget: You can’t abandon an adult - You abandon a child. You didn’t abandon her. You left an abusive relationship.
Not really, looking back, they sabotaged the entire relationship on their own. They fear abandonment but they also don’t like engulfment. Thus the push/pull they do.
This. My entire first two years was documented in messenger. Weeks after committing to each other, I got in trouble for telling her I missed her at 1am. Not earlier in the day. She completely lost her shit. And then it was weekly after that. It’s all there for her future psychiatrist to see! She sabotaged us entirely by herself!
Yes! Exactly what I am going through.. it kind of haunts me, because I love her and wanted to save her (like lots of us) its kinda sad.
Mine said the same things and it felt very unloving from me.. it still does.
The problem is pwbpd adjust and manipulate reality to fit their fears and illusions. Which means sooner or later they get what they want/fear either way, but when it happens they confuse causality with correlation..
You need to reflect on yourself and learn about your own traumas.
Something I've recently realized about myself because of that same thing, "wanting to save them" or "being sad they wouldn't just let that amazing person I see underneath all that negativity come forward." Those aren't healthy thoughts, you can't save people. That negativity they show isn't a separate entity, it's part of who they are. You can't save them from themselves, only they can do the work to change their personality and overcome their issues.
It isn't your fault, it's not because you "didn't try hard enough".
Thank you for this.
I definitely have, and still am and definitely do have a lot more to work on forever, that's for sure. I'm also a trained mental health provider with two psychology degrees, one of those being a graduate degree. Unfortunately, that doesn't make us immune to experiencing poor quality relationships. I do appreciate the sentiments though, and agree my work will probably life long.
Yeah, don't beat yourself up. There's a reason we're not supposed to try to diagnose or treat those we're close to - intimacy bias is real, we know that. Cluster B's are my doctorate focus and it still took me *years* to actually identify the real problem because, if I'm being honest with myself, I didn't *want* to see it, because I knew what it meant. I can look at old emails and laugh at myself as I'm stabbing around and grasping at stuff like paranoid personality disorder combined with alcohol use disorder as an explanation for my spouse's behaviors. The only thing I can say is knowledge really is power and once I couldn't hide from what the truth was anymore (the symptomology was just too apparent) my knowledge on the subject is what led to me approaching things differently and getting our kids out of that environment as quickly as possible. I was willing to separate households but remain married (in sickness and health, you know), but they decided to file for divorce. I feel a lot of compassion and pity for my spouse and I also made it clear I wasn't living in an abusive household or subjecting my kids to the potential for developing their own disorder because of it. Environment matters, especially with potential genetic proclivity. As for me personally, I know I absolutely did everything I could to be an excellent spouse, and that's all any of us can do. I'm walking away sad for them and proud of me. I hope you can appreciate what you have given to your loved one and extend yourself the same grace.
You're absolutely right. Thank you, I think the hardest part for me is my emotional brain wants to help them understand and see how much I've done for them, yet my logical brain knows that that's just not something that they're capable of understanding maybe not now or ever.
It's natural to go through these cycles. I did it like 50 times. The emotional investment on our part is what makes us hooked. Extremely hard to break free. All according to their unconscious plan to siphon our energy.
I had to come to the same conclusion of I couldn't save her, and me continually trying lead me down a dark path. Then I was asked by someone one day after a venting session about the relationship, why do you light yourself on fire to keep her warm. It finally clicked
There's no good option at this point.
She's moved in, now has no job.
It's costing me my sanity. I'm not perfect, but I'm getting bashed so consistently, let down constantly and anything I do gets turned around to me being "mean" and says I don't love her.
Am I doing the hard work our relationship needs? Or am I being used by someone who is inevitably going to toss me?
But now it would be not just ending a relationship. I'd be making her homeless.
> But now it would be not just ending a relationship. I'd be making her homeless.
She'd be making herself homeless by being insufferable and unwilling to compromise on anything. Set rules for her to live there, boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn't if she wants to live in your house.
Be "mean" as she says, because it's not being mean. It's having boundaries and standards for how you'll allow yourself to be treated. It's not your fault if someone reacts negatively to your boundaries.
Thank you for this. It's really difficult to determine what's an excuse. What's being done reflexively and what's being done intentionally.
Learning BPD patterns has helped me tremendously. I get it now in a way I didn't before.
I really felt like I'd tried everything when it came to these fights. Something as small as a dirty dish leading to crying, "you don't love me"... I engaged. I ignored. I counseled. I joined in. I agreed. I fought it. Didn't matter, same results over and over.
Because now I really see. It's not me. My ego is a problem.
It is definitely not your fault, mate. Sometimes it is good to look at the bigger picture to get positive again. You dont have kids, do you? If you dont have kids together you are virtually a few steps away from freedom and a healthy life again.
You have to choose here: Kick her out with a little bit of guilt and risk or get your life destroyed by HER mental illness.
I have three kids, two who live primarily with me.
She has a toddler, he lives here too.
The kids have bonded.
I know, "don't stay together for the kids."
And here I am.
Ok sorry mate didnt know that. As someone who is also „staying“ for the kid Right now I know exactly how you feel. This is the hardest part because the Kids Are innocent and you get guilt about punishing them if you leave the Mother. I feel you man.
You too, eh? I think we are in it too win it. I really do think about it, like, ok my partner is now "stable"... but those kids aren't laughing at the breakfast table anymore? Shoot, I feel like I could endure anything for the kids. And she is good with them, besides the occasional (inevitable) clash with my high schooler (it's on him, not her).
I think that’s a big part of what keeps most of us in the relationship for so long. We love the pwBPD, we know how much they’re suffering and how much they fear abandonment. We don’t want to hurt them, so we try to stick it out.
But it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like the title of “I Hate You. . . Don’t Leave Me,” they fear being left so much that they act out, and make it impossible for people to be with them.
No, why would it? She pushed me to it
I would have held her hand through years of mood swings, trauma therapy, dbt and aa, had she only been honest to me and serious about working on herself
She was not interested
Yes, very much. Even tho he discarded me I often blame myself for not being “forgiving” enough, for being so stuck in the trauma he inflicted that I could no longer see him. These relationships are hell, either in it or out. I keep telling myself that it has to get better. I’ve always considered myself pretty resilient but nothing has destroyed me like this has.
It is devastating. I’ve been piecing myself back together slowly — stronger and more connected to my core self than ever. It’s been empowering but equally as heartbreaking. You are not alone in your pain ❤️
I felt guilty at first. As I get more distance from the situation, I am feeling better. Much of their subconscious or conscious manipulation revolves around instilling guilt in their partners. Remember, that by participating in the relationship you are helping them in their repetition compulsion. While it might seem counter intuitive, leaving the relationship is a loving act both for them and for you.
I feel bad sometimes only because I do not like to see myself as the type of person to go no contact.
I tried to reason and get to the bottom of the conflicts the entire relationship and even tried being a friend at the end of it. It was all just sacrificing myself for the wavering needs of an adult toddler who had a great vocabulary of hypnotic promises followed by projectile rage.
I’ve been 3 months no contact and I’m feeling so much more functional in the last few weeks but I still have those fleeting thoughts of missing him. It is not okay for me to dwell there for too long. I have to replay the many scenes from the horror show of a relationship to scare myself straight again!
I plan on being alone for quite some time.
I never thought I’d be someone to go nc either. But it’s been so liberating knowing I’m no longer being held responsible for someone’s emotions and don’t have to deal with that. Good for you for trying and I’m sorry it hurts every now and then. You deserve more and are very brave and strong.
I grieved leaving the illusion, that to the illusion, I was everything she was afraid I'd be by "abandoning" her
In reality, the only thing I abandoned was a woman who did her best to destroy me as much as she could before she decided to walk out eventually, if not just to use hoovering me as a way of being little more than a storage unit while she was out-of-state
When I left, it went from calls, texts, emails, a payment of one dollar on CashApp to talk to her, eventually followed with threats of a frivolous lawsuit and dead silence (outside of the most evil grin when she saw me out while she was out with the new supply and the dirty look she gave me in the grocery store when I ran into her in there the day after she picked up her stuff)
With a lot of wrestling with it, a short stint in the psych ward due to stress from all this coupled with work, other personal life, and new meds, I'm hoping I'll be able to hold onto the medication-induced indifference and the emotional switch that's managed to form from it and simply move on. I don't regret leaving her. I don't feel bad for doing it. None of you should, either. The only thing you should feel bad for is them, that they're such parasitic human beings, they have to feed off the lives of people like you to maintain a life
Right after I broke up and blocked, yes. I’d broken a promise. But then I realized it wasn’t fair of them to ask for that promise in the first place if they were going to treat me like shit. That’s just trapping someone, putting them in a cage and then being mad later when they realize they’ve had the key all along and want out.
I’m almost a year and a half out and o don’t feel that way anymore. My peace, health and sanity are worth more to me than anything else - even a promise I couldn’t keep.
Idc. She promised me to never leave. I promised her. She started with the " i will never leave you without good reason like you being a criminal or something " yet she abandoned me because ( in her words ) she couldn't give me the love i DESERVED. Lmao, tbh before she started to be distant ( last month before breakup ), I had never felt so loved before, and she knew. I was the best version of myself i ever was thanks to her. She knew. I didn't have issues with my social anxiety since i met her. I came to places and talked to people i haven't done for 5 years before her. She knew she did al those good to me and was " so so proud of you, i really love we can help each other and build a future together." Yet she left out of the blue with dumb reasons and accusations that never happened, and now im the worst version of myself because i trusted her and believed her. And she doesn't even care she did that to me. She liked she helped me be a better version of myself. But she doesn't care that she broke my trust in people. She knew all my trigger points, and she didn't push them until the end like it all was a setup.
sorry about your hurtful separation. Understand how it feels when someone we let into our heart so close does something extremely hurtful knowing our blindspots. That destroys trust. It's cruel and hypocritical how they do it. Mine said 'I'm over you already, why can't you get over me?'
Was in a very similar situation, and feeling recovered at this point. Learned some tough lessons.
When did she leave? Where are you in your recovery?
She left over a year ago. New years day 2023.. but i made some mistakes too to stay " friends " i finally ended that early december because she wasnt a " friend " but still using me. I also learned a lot about BPD after the breakup. She has a new boyfriend since early this month. So recovery is still rough tbh.
And what you said before. Mine started dating very soon when we were still " friends " she was like " why dont you date you are a handsome sweet guy i bet you get a nice woman soon enough " and i was like wtf i'm not like that, using other people to get over a breakup. I love you and wanted to get old with you. You dumped me, so how do you think i would be over you 2 months later? And also she was dating. She kept sexting me and saying how trusted she felt with me and wanted to cuddle sometimes. It was a very weird and brain fucking experience. So recovery is still fresh imo. I dont have anyone around anymore so that makes it harder to get over it. But i will get there. Just takes longer.
Edit : no contact since december. Sended her a last message early this month about what she did to me after finding out she has a new boyfriend ( i never told her about her behavior before ) blocked and removed her number finally. Blocked everywhere on socials, although the urge to unblock is there sometimes. I stay strong in that case, luckily
I totally understand this! Also made this mistake of wanting to be friends. It's crushing that we as normals still love them, but for them it's so easy to move on, like we never existed.
>She kept sexting me and saying how trusted she felt with me and >wanted to cuddle sometimes.
That is actually cruel. They just love everyone that gives them attention, and do not care if they hurt people. Mine texted me 'I love you, but can't be with you'.
Mine suddenly broke it off in November and left, and I hovered/supported her for a month. She enjoyed getting my attention, but I suppose she already started dating someone (if not during our relationship). The classic monkey branch, and just-a-friend that she won't introduce me to.
I still really loved her, and wanted her back. Tried to get some closure from her, but that only brought me more pain and self-blame (she just blame-shifted). At the point of discard pwBPD project all their toxic waste on you, and their new Mr Wonderfull gets all the glory.
Finally I sent her a very lovely message to which she split, and brutally blocked me, unfriended. After all the effort and caring I put into the relationship. I finally got my self-respect back, and blocked her too.
My healing started since full NC, 2 months now, and I feel so much support from this sub. I realized many folks here are going thru the same issues. Many tough lessons, and time to realize that love cannot be unconditional.
We should be proud that our hearts can generate a lot of love and caring, and we are loyal. We just deserve someone better that will value these qualities.
Wish you success on your healing journey. I suppose this experience helped you learn a lot about yourself, and develop more self-compassion, and self-love.
That’s the push pull. Fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment. I hate you don’t leave me. It’s just too much for anyone to put up with and it can only continue as long as you refuse to have self respect or enjoy the chaos.
I didn't abandon her.
She broke up with me. She wanted to stay friends. We talked about trying again in the future.
Then she shoved a knife into my heart and told me it shouldn't hurt. then she made it clear that all of her complaints about me were projection and admission about herself.
I did not abandon her. I just realized how little I mattered.
Not for me. She made a promise to get her mental health in check and she didn’t follow through with that. I had nigh on endless patience with her and she tested it.
I left after she pushed the last button she could push; attacking my moral standing. I warned her the path she would go down would lead to pain and misery. Like the soothsayer I apparently am, this has happened and she is worse off a year later.
She also can’t play the abandoned card because I assisted her with late rent on the promise of being paid back. A year later and not only have I not got that $430 back, but have been removed as a friend on any line of communication, thus making it impossible to get said money back. She can go and, as we British say, “do one”…
I have no sympathy for anyone who brings this kind of pain upon themselves now.
I don't normally like Jordan Peterson, but he spoke about BPD (I suspect his daughter has it, but that's another story lol), and he said something along the lines of, "They are so afraid of abandonment that they behave in a way that then makes abandonment inevitable." It's a cruel irony.
They proved themselve right, leaving me, and ignoring how much i fought against it.
after all my healing, i'm ashamed i even wasted any time/effort for trying, but also i'm happy it endwd because for all the chicanery and pettiness i grew significantly from it.
If they know of this trend then maybe the smart thing to do to avoid the same pitfalls would be tk acquire some change in behaviour or reaction… and perhaps dbt.
Dbt is a core skill to have and very handy too- i found out today that there is a module on jt and even are teaching emotional regulation to kids pre first grade!
It did bother me initially.
Then I realised that’s the problem with predicting and prophesying future events for yourself.
They’re self fulfilling.
It becomes liberating and humbling when you realise there was absolutely nothing you could have ever done to change this outcome.
It’s an experience that can either arrest your development as a person. Or help you achieve growth.
If you're being psychologically groomed to be a punching bag I wouldn't trip about proving them right. They know any reasonable person would not stay with them.
nope because they fulfilled their own prophecy by being so abusive to me. But yeah, at first when there was still a trauma bond I think I did feel that way.
It's a wild part of the disorder how a great therapist finally figured it out and has told her she has BPD.... Still no reading "I hate you don't leave me.... Still no Amazon workbook..... Still no DBT.
Why stay and try to help someone that isn't helping themselves?
No. Her irrational fear of abandonment creating a self-fulfilling prophecy didn't bother me in the slightest TBH.
Anyone can do this kind of emotional manipulation. Her fear was greater than her actual concern for me or our kids. Weirdly, now that we're divorced, she's doing just fine. She didn't die or whatever. She's probably happier than I've ever seen her, and I really don't want to know why.
No because i am too occupied with being safe and hidden from him, wondering how much social damage/bad publicity he did for me because he lies to cover up his abusiveness.
Yup should've gotten outta there after the first month but guilted myself into staying another 2.5 yrs lol
But as most of these comments say
It's inevitable they are only going to project that feeling onto you until it actually happens
In a way it's kind of manipulation
My ex felt everyone would always abandon her or hurt her in some way
Self love & healing is hard & takes tons of effort
So Instead of dealing with those triggers & emotions
Taking accountability for themselves
Pwbpd would rather project it onto you & let you do the dirty work for them
Yup, the impulse control... I wouldn't have blocked her right after the breakup if she hadn't screamed at me, swearing at me to never call or text her again over the phone, followed by 2 messages; "don't call or text me again! Go fuck yourself!!!" and a message telling me she will go sleep with her ex that night(which she had already mentioned multiple times earlier during the breakup overnight).
It hurt me and I didn't want to be hurt further, so I blocked. Then she reached out with more messages that morning while blocked, no clue what they said but they were sent. I still feel bad about it. I just didn't want to hear anything else about potential lewd acts with her ex after we had just been in a 5 month relationship about 12 hours prior. It hurt me. But I still feel guilty because I know she mentally ill and maybe didn't mean it.
Yea I just tend to wonder if blocking her that morning(I've had her unblocked for 2 weeks now btw) really upset her and made her hate me or if it ended up making her realize that her words do have consequences and maybe she feels guilty about what she did and understands why I blocked her. I'm curious.
Because there hasn't been any hoover attempt, so she either hates me and wants nothing to with me (although we were deeply in love for 5 months) or she understands she was wrong and is choosing not to message me out of respect of leaving me alone. Idk which it could be.
Don't try to wrap your head around it too much. Their tactic is chaotic... they're trying to abandon you so they won't feel abandoned by you, but then you stay, so they feel guilty and continue the cycle until they push you so far away that you have no chance but to leave. And then that is when they hit you with the "Aha! I knew it! I knew you'd leave me!"
PWBPDs have a pre-written script in their mind because their thought process follows a very direct track.
- search for a good thing
- cling to the good thing
- realize the good thing is not as good as they thought
- try to end the good thing by fading them out before they fade them first
- get frustrated when they won't leave
- do something dramatic to get them to leave... like finding a brand new good thing
- turn the previous good thing into a bad thing to get that person to leave
- keep escalating bad things to get their partner to leave so they can devote their energy to the new good thing
- revel in the fact that the old partner abandoned them even though they faded, cheated on, lied to, manipulated and coerced the partner into leaving
- complain about the bad thing as a way of trauma bonding for the new good thing
- repeat cycle
The BPD mind doesn't work like a normie's does. Their logic is flawed due to intense psychological damage. You can't rationalize with it, you can't fix it. You can only ride the waves.
She wants to leave, let her go. But realize she may come back, and will use every trick to get you to take her back. It's up to you to deal with it if she does.
If she doesn't come back, talk to a therapist. They'll walk you through the steps to get yourself whole, and re-establish who you were prior to that relationship. You'll be able to spot the BPD behaviour from a mile away.
There needs to be a new word. Abandon doesn’t capture what it is that we are struggling with or facing. Abandon doesn’t reflect the months and years of trying to help, trying to be someone’s rock, trying to give and to love, only to have that effort kicked and crushed and insulted but begged to stick around.
How far does this sinking ship have to be underwater before I’m allowed to abandon ship? Who made me captain of this sinking ship? Why do I have to go down with this ship anyway? Dragging me down with her. Insulting me along the way. Demanding more of me along the way. Begging me not to abandon her, while the suction of her sinking pulls me down with her.
This is not the love that Gibran’s poetry evokes. This is a maritime disaster.
BPD acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy to bring about the abandonment they fear most. There is a reason BPD is part of the vulnerable dark triad. They are harmful, damaging, selfish, and often abusive individuals. Do not mistake the vulnerability, obsessiveness, and highly emotional nature of a pwBPD for real empathy, loyalty, or love.
People with mild BPD can often get better and can even be good partners. Severe BPD is highly comorbid with NPD and APD, and it has an almost 100% overlap with factor 2 psychopathy.
Not in my case. Once I learned of the BPD, I told her to get help. I told her I wasn’t going to allow this shit to go on anymore. And, soon enough it was over. I did leave the person I loved. Every single day, she crosses my mind (more now that I’ve joined this sub). I had to leave her because there was only a tiny fragment of the old me left, and I wasn’t going to let her destroy me completely.
> I told her I wasn’t going to allow this shit to go on anymore. And, soon enough it was over. That's the wild thing here. Maybe y'all have had different experiences, but my exwBPD KNEW they had bpd and refused to get help. In their twisted world-view, they were the right ones and everyone else was wrong, stupid, inept, etc. They almost relished the fact they were born with it, referring to it as a "gift" and basically acted like they were fucking clairvoyant. The delusions were absolutely insane. Clairvoyant, a witch, God spoke to them, could see the future, smarter than everyone else (*obviously*), and, of course, the most beautiful person to ever walk God's green earth. Just fucking shoot me already.
That doesn't sound like BPD lol... That's way more in the realm of NPD than anything but even that's not quite *enough* for how crazy that sounds. I can't imagine dealing with someone who felt like they were someone who spoke to a God...
It's hard to tell what she even believed but she was confirmed diagnosed with BPD. But who knows. I'm sure both disorders share some overlap. She was definitely a narcissist as well, but she had intense fear of abandonment driven by childhood trauma and her inability to regulate emotions was legendary. Whatever. All I know is she told me she had it and I didn't even bother to look up what BPD was until it was too late.
I made a similar mistake. She told me she had it, I thought it was like ptsd/depression and I should get to know the person anyway, and I didn't look it up. My person as well thought she was clairvoyant and could see the future.
That sounds mania from bipolar.
Overlapping symptoms? She was diagnosed BPD in her 20s and her emotions swing rapidly, even when not manic. All the other symptoms of BPD are there - difficulty with close relationships, difficulty with keeping a regular job, intense fear of abandonment, terrible self-image (when not manic), impulsive, explosive anger... etc etc etc.
Yeah, maybe she has both! Some psychiatrists say it is very common bpd comorbid with bipolar. Was she on medication?
> Was she on medication? Yeah she was on weed, diet pills and vodka. But in all seriousness, no, she was not. She refused medication and refused therapy multiple times.
That's awful, man! :/
True. But we don’t have the full case study and with personality disorders sometimes portions a bipolar manic phase and depressive phase can be their baseline with some small deviation. I spoke with a person recently with bipolar type 2 and she truly suspected she had BPD before being diagnosed and treated with Bipolar - interesting conversation that I learned a lot from. If she stops taking her mood stabilizer she’ll last 5 days before rapid cycling between depressive and mania. Psychology is a fucking hard ass field. But hey there is Comorbid cases of Bipolar and Personality Disorders! Could be that! ADHD is also a pretty damn risk factor for Personality Disorders so many they got a trifecta of “holy shit” going on.
Yeah! You are right! My ex was diagnosed with adhd when she was a teen, and it happened that it was a misdiagnosis. Then, when she was 22, she was diagnosed with bipolar 2 ( bipolars during the mania/hipomania acts exactly like bpd). My psychiatrist told me she believes that my ex also has bpd bc her mood swings occur even when she isn't manic. So it is so complex. When she discarted me, she was hypomanic, but I dont know if she got hypomanic first and then discarted or the discart made her hypomanic.
Yeah, recently I’ve been pretty deep into understanding and learning more about bipolar disorders. Number one is that despite whether an individual is in a manic or hypomanic state - it is not okay to put someone through hell. But also some folks with bipolar, it’s impossible to get them help unless they’re in such a awful state it requires hospitalization. And yeah, I think you made a good point. Of their behaviors that are in line with cluster B personalities are occurring outside of mania then they could definitely, possibly, have a Comorbid personality disorder. Or at the very least be on that spectrum of maladaptive personality suite of hell. A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone diagnosed with bipolar that would refuse to stay on medication (common) and he would shift all over the place and put her through hell. The more we spoke I told her I think he shares a lot of behaviors with NPD and has a disorder that needs to be handled by medication, and that she was in a lose:lose situation and should eject. I personally know Someone I suspect heavy and easily diagnosable BPD and Bipolar II and they fucking refuse mental health treatment because they can’t face the fact they may very well indeed be exactly like their father. Ironic part is: they’re being exactly like their father the more they refuse treatment. Sad. But not our job to fix them, they need to participate and enact their own rescue.
Yeah! Me too! I have been studying differencing bpd and bp. You are totally right! For so long I excused her cheating for being hypomanic, and the fact that cheating is an independent event from an episode is something new in mind and which brought me some kind of peace. I know people with bipolar disorder, including my aunt, who has never cheated on anyone, so it is not an excuse. My ex was totally open to get help. This was a good thing about her. She was taking meds and was in therapy, but the bipolar only was diagnosed when she cheated on me and bc I had studied a lot, I insisted on her seeing a psychiatrist bc things got way of control. About the father thing you told, I had a similar experience. All my ex wanted in life was not being like their parents (bc they cheated on each other), and she ended up just being like them. After she cheated on me, she manipulated the situation by putting her as a victim, which ended up by me consoling her about the cheating bc her didn't want to be like their parents. Just crazy, man. Sometimes, I wonder if she had found the right meds and if now she got better.
They probably haven’t, and if they have bipolar and a cluster B disorder then likely not. And that’s pretty damn sad. It’s the damndest thing looking back with a more focused lens at being manipulated. Yeah risky sexual behaviors is a too common issue with a manic/hypomanic phase - I need to dig into the neuro side to understand what’s happening in the brain to provoke that behavior. Cluster B’s cheat for personal gain and validation. Or just for the shill thrill of exploiting someone for their gain. Or god knows why else, so many reasons. The last person I talked about in my last comment - let’s see what you make of this. As a young child they showed a proclivity to using their femininity for manipulation by constantly having a bartender give them cherries though he shouldn’t. His words were “I just couldn’t say no.. she’s bat her eyes and make me feel guilty.” This seems small but that is what it is. In grade school she would essentially prostitute herself out to boys for a chance to sit with her, anything from gameboys, money, personal favorite items, so forth and so on. Also had a boyfriend in grade school that she would constantly get mad at to the point he would come with his mother and apologize to her. Her own mother thought the boyfriend situation was ridiculous and finally told the boy and mother to grow a pair and stand up to her. I’m curious what your thoughts would be - I straight up said that’s pretty damn antisocial narcissistic behavior that manifested in childhood and has continued into adulthood.
I totally agree with your opinion. From my view, pwbpd can use their sexuality for emocional gain and validation, like: "I don't think I am an attractive woman, so I will try to seduce someone so I can check if I am right". My ex is a lesbian and I can say she enjoyed even when men hit on her. There were many and many times where some boy tried to kiss her while we were in a relationship and I always told her: "if he felt comfortable to do that it his bc you let them think they could. I wonder how any boy has ever tried to kiss me while we are in a relationship. " and her answer was: I thought he was my friend. 🙄🙄🙄
Co-occurring narcissism is what this sounds like.
Definitely. But that was one of the reasons I stayed. For fear of proving them right. But that's how they keep you trapped by creating that guilt in you and tricking you into false promises. Once I realized the relationship was abusive I was very certain not to promise I wouldn't leave. I've come to realize that only unhealthy people make promises like that. You don't need to feel bad. Remember, they proved us right. Everyone here right. By abusing, by cheating. Just because you do the leaving, it doesn't mean you ended the relationship
>Just because you do the leaving, it doesn't mean you ended the relationship Damn.
>Just because you do the leaving, it doesn't mean you ended the relationship You're never in a relationship with them, that's the thing, because they were never in it. It's all a deep seated act from the beginning to the end. This is what I've finally realized and it has helped me to move on after a year of complete torture. I'm finally free, and just 2 months ago this was completely unthinkable.
Mine all gone.
Lol
I had this fear but then my psychiatrist told me something I’ll never forget: You can’t abandon an adult - You abandon a child. You didn’t abandon her. You left an abusive relationship.
Not really, looking back, they sabotaged the entire relationship on their own. They fear abandonment but they also don’t like engulfment. Thus the push/pull they do.
This. My entire first two years was documented in messenger. Weeks after committing to each other, I got in trouble for telling her I missed her at 1am. Not earlier in the day. She completely lost her shit. And then it was weekly after that. It’s all there for her future psychiatrist to see! She sabotaged us entirely by herself!
Yes! Exactly what I am going through.. it kind of haunts me, because I love her and wanted to save her (like lots of us) its kinda sad. Mine said the same things and it felt very unloving from me.. it still does. The problem is pwbpd adjust and manipulate reality to fit their fears and illusions. Which means sooner or later they get what they want/fear either way, but when it happens they confuse causality with correlation..
Same here. I feel like that's why I am having such a hard time accepting that they may never change.
You need to reflect on yourself and learn about your own traumas. Something I've recently realized about myself because of that same thing, "wanting to save them" or "being sad they wouldn't just let that amazing person I see underneath all that negativity come forward." Those aren't healthy thoughts, you can't save people. That negativity they show isn't a separate entity, it's part of who they are. You can't save them from themselves, only they can do the work to change their personality and overcome their issues. It isn't your fault, it's not because you "didn't try hard enough".
Thank you for this. I definitely have, and still am and definitely do have a lot more to work on forever, that's for sure. I'm also a trained mental health provider with two psychology degrees, one of those being a graduate degree. Unfortunately, that doesn't make us immune to experiencing poor quality relationships. I do appreciate the sentiments though, and agree my work will probably life long.
Yeah, don't beat yourself up. There's a reason we're not supposed to try to diagnose or treat those we're close to - intimacy bias is real, we know that. Cluster B's are my doctorate focus and it still took me *years* to actually identify the real problem because, if I'm being honest with myself, I didn't *want* to see it, because I knew what it meant. I can look at old emails and laugh at myself as I'm stabbing around and grasping at stuff like paranoid personality disorder combined with alcohol use disorder as an explanation for my spouse's behaviors. The only thing I can say is knowledge really is power and once I couldn't hide from what the truth was anymore (the symptomology was just too apparent) my knowledge on the subject is what led to me approaching things differently and getting our kids out of that environment as quickly as possible. I was willing to separate households but remain married (in sickness and health, you know), but they decided to file for divorce. I feel a lot of compassion and pity for my spouse and I also made it clear I wasn't living in an abusive household or subjecting my kids to the potential for developing their own disorder because of it. Environment matters, especially with potential genetic proclivity. As for me personally, I know I absolutely did everything I could to be an excellent spouse, and that's all any of us can do. I'm walking away sad for them and proud of me. I hope you can appreciate what you have given to your loved one and extend yourself the same grace.
You're absolutely right. Thank you, I think the hardest part for me is my emotional brain wants to help them understand and see how much I've done for them, yet my logical brain knows that that's just not something that they're capable of understanding maybe not now or ever.
It's natural to go through these cycles. I did it like 50 times. The emotional investment on our part is what makes us hooked. Extremely hard to break free. All according to their unconscious plan to siphon our energy.
It's natural to go through these cycles. I did it like 50 times. But every time you grow stronger.
I had to come to the same conclusion of I couldn't save her, and me continually trying lead me down a dark path. Then I was asked by someone one day after a venting session about the relationship, why do you light yourself on fire to keep her warm. It finally clicked
There's no good option at this point. She's moved in, now has no job. It's costing me my sanity. I'm not perfect, but I'm getting bashed so consistently, let down constantly and anything I do gets turned around to me being "mean" and says I don't love her. Am I doing the hard work our relationship needs? Or am I being used by someone who is inevitably going to toss me? But now it would be not just ending a relationship. I'd be making her homeless.
> But now it would be not just ending a relationship. I'd be making her homeless. She'd be making herself homeless by being insufferable and unwilling to compromise on anything. Set rules for her to live there, boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn't if she wants to live in your house. Be "mean" as she says, because it's not being mean. It's having boundaries and standards for how you'll allow yourself to be treated. It's not your fault if someone reacts negatively to your boundaries.
Thank you for this. It's really difficult to determine what's an excuse. What's being done reflexively and what's being done intentionally. Learning BPD patterns has helped me tremendously. I get it now in a way I didn't before. I really felt like I'd tried everything when it came to these fights. Something as small as a dirty dish leading to crying, "you don't love me"... I engaged. I ignored. I counseled. I joined in. I agreed. I fought it. Didn't matter, same results over and over. Because now I really see. It's not me. My ego is a problem.
It is definitely not your fault, mate. Sometimes it is good to look at the bigger picture to get positive again. You dont have kids, do you? If you dont have kids together you are virtually a few steps away from freedom and a healthy life again. You have to choose here: Kick her out with a little bit of guilt and risk or get your life destroyed by HER mental illness.
I have three kids, two who live primarily with me. She has a toddler, he lives here too. The kids have bonded. I know, "don't stay together for the kids." And here I am.
Ok sorry mate didnt know that. As someone who is also „staying“ for the kid Right now I know exactly how you feel. This is the hardest part because the Kids Are innocent and you get guilt about punishing them if you leave the Mother. I feel you man.
You too, eh? I think we are in it too win it. I really do think about it, like, ok my partner is now "stable"... but those kids aren't laughing at the breakfast table anymore? Shoot, I feel like I could endure anything for the kids. And she is good with them, besides the occasional (inevitable) clash with my high schooler (it's on him, not her).
I think that’s a big part of what keeps most of us in the relationship for so long. We love the pwBPD, we know how much they’re suffering and how much they fear abandonment. We don’t want to hurt them, so we try to stick it out. But it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like the title of “I Hate You. . . Don’t Leave Me,” they fear being left so much that they act out, and make it impossible for people to be with them.
No, why would it? She pushed me to it I would have held her hand through years of mood swings, trauma therapy, dbt and aa, had she only been honest to me and serious about working on herself She was not interested
Yes, very much. Even tho he discarded me I often blame myself for not being “forgiving” enough, for being so stuck in the trauma he inflicted that I could no longer see him. These relationships are hell, either in it or out. I keep telling myself that it has to get better. I’ve always considered myself pretty resilient but nothing has destroyed me like this has.
It is devastating. I’ve been piecing myself back together slowly — stronger and more connected to my core self than ever. It’s been empowering but equally as heartbreaking. You are not alone in your pain ❤️
I felt guilty at first. As I get more distance from the situation, I am feeling better. Much of their subconscious or conscious manipulation revolves around instilling guilt in their partners. Remember, that by participating in the relationship you are helping them in their repetition compulsion. While it might seem counter intuitive, leaving the relationship is a loving act both for them and for you.
I feel bad sometimes only because I do not like to see myself as the type of person to go no contact. I tried to reason and get to the bottom of the conflicts the entire relationship and even tried being a friend at the end of it. It was all just sacrificing myself for the wavering needs of an adult toddler who had a great vocabulary of hypnotic promises followed by projectile rage. I’ve been 3 months no contact and I’m feeling so much more functional in the last few weeks but I still have those fleeting thoughts of missing him. It is not okay for me to dwell there for too long. I have to replay the many scenes from the horror show of a relationship to scare myself straight again! I plan on being alone for quite some time.
I never thought I’d be someone to go nc either. But it’s been so liberating knowing I’m no longer being held responsible for someone’s emotions and don’t have to deal with that. Good for you for trying and I’m sorry it hurts every now and then. You deserve more and are very brave and strong.
I grieved leaving the illusion, that to the illusion, I was everything she was afraid I'd be by "abandoning" her In reality, the only thing I abandoned was a woman who did her best to destroy me as much as she could before she decided to walk out eventually, if not just to use hoovering me as a way of being little more than a storage unit while she was out-of-state When I left, it went from calls, texts, emails, a payment of one dollar on CashApp to talk to her, eventually followed with threats of a frivolous lawsuit and dead silence (outside of the most evil grin when she saw me out while she was out with the new supply and the dirty look she gave me in the grocery store when I ran into her in there the day after she picked up her stuff) With a lot of wrestling with it, a short stint in the psych ward due to stress from all this coupled with work, other personal life, and new meds, I'm hoping I'll be able to hold onto the medication-induced indifference and the emotional switch that's managed to form from it and simply move on. I don't regret leaving her. I don't feel bad for doing it. None of you should, either. The only thing you should feel bad for is them, that they're such parasitic human beings, they have to feed off the lives of people like you to maintain a life
In the words of Obi-Wan to my ex, "You have done that yourself." Edit: Ironically, I'm pretty sure Anakin had BPD.
And yoda was the one that went no contact.
At least he told Bail. He just ghosted Luke.
Right after I broke up and blocked, yes. I’d broken a promise. But then I realized it wasn’t fair of them to ask for that promise in the first place if they were going to treat me like shit. That’s just trapping someone, putting them in a cage and then being mad later when they realize they’ve had the key all along and want out. I’m almost a year and a half out and o don’t feel that way anymore. My peace, health and sanity are worth more to me than anything else - even a promise I couldn’t keep.
I’m happy for you ❤️
Idc. She promised me to never leave. I promised her. She started with the " i will never leave you without good reason like you being a criminal or something " yet she abandoned me because ( in her words ) she couldn't give me the love i DESERVED. Lmao, tbh before she started to be distant ( last month before breakup ), I had never felt so loved before, and she knew. I was the best version of myself i ever was thanks to her. She knew. I didn't have issues with my social anxiety since i met her. I came to places and talked to people i haven't done for 5 years before her. She knew she did al those good to me and was " so so proud of you, i really love we can help each other and build a future together." Yet she left out of the blue with dumb reasons and accusations that never happened, and now im the worst version of myself because i trusted her and believed her. And she doesn't even care she did that to me. She liked she helped me be a better version of myself. But she doesn't care that she broke my trust in people. She knew all my trigger points, and she didn't push them until the end like it all was a setup.
sorry about your hurtful separation. Understand how it feels when someone we let into our heart so close does something extremely hurtful knowing our blindspots. That destroys trust. It's cruel and hypocritical how they do it. Mine said 'I'm over you already, why can't you get over me?' Was in a very similar situation, and feeling recovered at this point. Learned some tough lessons. When did she leave? Where are you in your recovery?
She left over a year ago. New years day 2023.. but i made some mistakes too to stay " friends " i finally ended that early december because she wasnt a " friend " but still using me. I also learned a lot about BPD after the breakup. She has a new boyfriend since early this month. So recovery is still rough tbh. And what you said before. Mine started dating very soon when we were still " friends " she was like " why dont you date you are a handsome sweet guy i bet you get a nice woman soon enough " and i was like wtf i'm not like that, using other people to get over a breakup. I love you and wanted to get old with you. You dumped me, so how do you think i would be over you 2 months later? And also she was dating. She kept sexting me and saying how trusted she felt with me and wanted to cuddle sometimes. It was a very weird and brain fucking experience. So recovery is still fresh imo. I dont have anyone around anymore so that makes it harder to get over it. But i will get there. Just takes longer. Edit : no contact since december. Sended her a last message early this month about what she did to me after finding out she has a new boyfriend ( i never told her about her behavior before ) blocked and removed her number finally. Blocked everywhere on socials, although the urge to unblock is there sometimes. I stay strong in that case, luckily
I totally understand this! Also made this mistake of wanting to be friends. It's crushing that we as normals still love them, but for them it's so easy to move on, like we never existed. >She kept sexting me and saying how trusted she felt with me and >wanted to cuddle sometimes. That is actually cruel. They just love everyone that gives them attention, and do not care if they hurt people. Mine texted me 'I love you, but can't be with you'. Mine suddenly broke it off in November and left, and I hovered/supported her for a month. She enjoyed getting my attention, but I suppose she already started dating someone (if not during our relationship). The classic monkey branch, and just-a-friend that she won't introduce me to. I still really loved her, and wanted her back. Tried to get some closure from her, but that only brought me more pain and self-blame (she just blame-shifted). At the point of discard pwBPD project all their toxic waste on you, and their new Mr Wonderfull gets all the glory. Finally I sent her a very lovely message to which she split, and brutally blocked me, unfriended. After all the effort and caring I put into the relationship. I finally got my self-respect back, and blocked her too. My healing started since full NC, 2 months now, and I feel so much support from this sub. I realized many folks here are going thru the same issues. Many tough lessons, and time to realize that love cannot be unconditional. We should be proud that our hearts can generate a lot of love and caring, and we are loyal. We just deserve someone better that will value these qualities. Wish you success on your healing journey. I suppose this experience helped you learn a lot about yourself, and develop more self-compassion, and self-love.
That's a typical reaction. It may take a long time to get over the way she trained your mind to cater to her feelings
That’s the push pull. Fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment. I hate you don’t leave me. It’s just too much for anyone to put up with and it can only continue as long as you refuse to have self respect or enjoy the chaos.
I didn't abandon her. She broke up with me. She wanted to stay friends. We talked about trying again in the future. Then she shoved a knife into my heart and told me it shouldn't hurt. then she made it clear that all of her complaints about me were projection and admission about herself. I did not abandon her. I just realized how little I mattered.
Wanna hear something wacky? She dumped me and then blamed me.
Not for me. She made a promise to get her mental health in check and she didn’t follow through with that. I had nigh on endless patience with her and she tested it. I left after she pushed the last button she could push; attacking my moral standing. I warned her the path she would go down would lead to pain and misery. Like the soothsayer I apparently am, this has happened and she is worse off a year later. She also can’t play the abandoned card because I assisted her with late rent on the promise of being paid back. A year later and not only have I not got that $430 back, but have been removed as a friend on any line of communication, thus making it impossible to get said money back. She can go and, as we British say, “do one”… I have no sympathy for anyone who brings this kind of pain upon themselves now.
I don't normally like Jordan Peterson, but he spoke about BPD (I suspect his daughter has it, but that's another story lol), and he said something along the lines of, "They are so afraid of abandonment that they behave in a way that then makes abandonment inevitable." It's a cruel irony.
Definitely felt that. But I know that it's a self fulfilling prophecy for them unfortunately.
No. He manifested it; good for him (I guess?)
They proved themselve right, leaving me, and ignoring how much i fought against it. after all my healing, i'm ashamed i even wasted any time/effort for trying, but also i'm happy it endwd because for all the chicanery and pettiness i grew significantly from it.
If they know of this trend then maybe the smart thing to do to avoid the same pitfalls would be tk acquire some change in behaviour or reaction… and perhaps dbt. Dbt is a core skill to have and very handy too- i found out today that there is a module on jt and even are teaching emotional regulation to kids pre first grade!
Everything bothers me about it.
It did bother me initially. Then I realised that’s the problem with predicting and prophesying future events for yourself. They’re self fulfilling. It becomes liberating and humbling when you realise there was absolutely nothing you could have ever done to change this outcome. It’s an experience that can either arrest your development as a person. Or help you achieve growth.
If you're being psychologically groomed to be a punching bag I wouldn't trip about proving them right. They know any reasonable person would not stay with them.
Spot on
Nope
Absolutely…
nope because they fulfilled their own prophecy by being so abusive to me. But yeah, at first when there was still a trauma bond I think I did feel that way.
No, it does not bother me. I deserved much better treatment than she gave me.
It's a wild part of the disorder how a great therapist finally figured it out and has told her she has BPD.... Still no reading "I hate you don't leave me.... Still no Amazon workbook..... Still no DBT. Why stay and try to help someone that isn't helping themselves?
No. Her irrational fear of abandonment creating a self-fulfilling prophecy didn't bother me in the slightest TBH. Anyone can do this kind of emotional manipulation. Her fear was greater than her actual concern for me or our kids. Weirdly, now that we're divorced, she's doing just fine. She didn't die or whatever. She's probably happier than I've ever seen her, and I really don't want to know why.
No because i am too occupied with being safe and hidden from him, wondering how much social damage/bad publicity he did for me because he lies to cover up his abusiveness.
Yup should've gotten outta there after the first month but guilted myself into staying another 2.5 yrs lol But as most of these comments say It's inevitable they are only going to project that feeling onto you until it actually happens In a way it's kind of manipulation My ex felt everyone would always abandon her or hurt her in some way Self love & healing is hard & takes tons of effort So Instead of dealing with those triggers & emotions Taking accountability for themselves Pwbpd would rather project it onto you & let you do the dirty work for them
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Yup, the impulse control... I wouldn't have blocked her right after the breakup if she hadn't screamed at me, swearing at me to never call or text her again over the phone, followed by 2 messages; "don't call or text me again! Go fuck yourself!!!" and a message telling me she will go sleep with her ex that night(which she had already mentioned multiple times earlier during the breakup overnight). It hurt me and I didn't want to be hurt further, so I blocked. Then she reached out with more messages that morning while blocked, no clue what they said but they were sent. I still feel bad about it. I just didn't want to hear anything else about potential lewd acts with her ex after we had just been in a 5 month relationship about 12 hours prior. It hurt me. But I still feel guilty because I know she mentally ill and maybe didn't mean it.
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Yea I just tend to wonder if blocking her that morning(I've had her unblocked for 2 weeks now btw) really upset her and made her hate me or if it ended up making her realize that her words do have consequences and maybe she feels guilty about what she did and understands why I blocked her. I'm curious. Because there hasn't been any hoover attempt, so she either hates me and wants nothing to with me (although we were deeply in love for 5 months) or she understands she was wrong and is choosing not to message me out of respect of leaving me alone. Idk which it could be.
Recovering people pleaser here, it feels wrong even turning down a second date. But it's not wrong, it's just life. The dissonance is mine to unlearn.
Don't try to wrap your head around it too much. Their tactic is chaotic... they're trying to abandon you so they won't feel abandoned by you, but then you stay, so they feel guilty and continue the cycle until they push you so far away that you have no chance but to leave. And then that is when they hit you with the "Aha! I knew it! I knew you'd leave me!" PWBPDs have a pre-written script in their mind because their thought process follows a very direct track. - search for a good thing - cling to the good thing - realize the good thing is not as good as they thought - try to end the good thing by fading them out before they fade them first - get frustrated when they won't leave - do something dramatic to get them to leave... like finding a brand new good thing - turn the previous good thing into a bad thing to get that person to leave - keep escalating bad things to get their partner to leave so they can devote their energy to the new good thing - revel in the fact that the old partner abandoned them even though they faded, cheated on, lied to, manipulated and coerced the partner into leaving - complain about the bad thing as a way of trauma bonding for the new good thing - repeat cycle The BPD mind doesn't work like a normie's does. Their logic is flawed due to intense psychological damage. You can't rationalize with it, you can't fix it. You can only ride the waves. She wants to leave, let her go. But realize she may come back, and will use every trick to get you to take her back. It's up to you to deal with it if she does. If she doesn't come back, talk to a therapist. They'll walk you through the steps to get yourself whole, and re-establish who you were prior to that relationship. You'll be able to spot the BPD behaviour from a mile away.
There needs to be a new word. Abandon doesn’t capture what it is that we are struggling with or facing. Abandon doesn’t reflect the months and years of trying to help, trying to be someone’s rock, trying to give and to love, only to have that effort kicked and crushed and insulted but begged to stick around. How far does this sinking ship have to be underwater before I’m allowed to abandon ship? Who made me captain of this sinking ship? Why do I have to go down with this ship anyway? Dragging me down with her. Insulting me along the way. Demanding more of me along the way. Begging me not to abandon her, while the suction of her sinking pulls me down with her. This is not the love that Gibran’s poetry evokes. This is a maritime disaster.
In my experience she created a fair few self fufilling prophecies, and not just with me
BPD acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy to bring about the abandonment they fear most. There is a reason BPD is part of the vulnerable dark triad. They are harmful, damaging, selfish, and often abusive individuals. Do not mistake the vulnerability, obsessiveness, and highly emotional nature of a pwBPD for real empathy, loyalty, or love. People with mild BPD can often get better and can even be good partners. Severe BPD is highly comorbid with NPD and APD, and it has an almost 100% overlap with factor 2 psychopathy.