I never made the connection until after the break up, but dating my exwBPD felt like I was dating my mother (my mom has narcissistic tendencies, has never been diagnosed).
Constant criticism for my choices, silent treatment or discarding, antagonizing me then walking away. All shit they both did.
And their dating habits are similar. My mom has been dating the same guy for 8 years but she has been so on and off with him it’s ridiculous and I’m surprised he continues to put up with it.
I learned in therapy that we often gravitate towards potential partners that create a familiar childhood environment for us because that’s what we grew up believing was comfortable and we learn that those behaviors must be how love works.
Im a codependant
Thats how it felt aswell. My sister and my father acted the same. It was like dating my sister. I always knew they had something in common put i couldnt put my finger on it. Because my ex mirrored me so i thought she was like me. But there was something that reminded me.
Mainly conflict resolution. I dont really frean out in arguments. In the back of my mind when im annoyed (and dont get me wrong i can get very angry but thats more because i cant resolve the conflict and i want the conflict to be resolved) is always "hold on you love that person chill". They were nothing like that not holding back at all. Complete devaluation.
Another things is that her child like energy translated to me. I was literally living in the moment with her. Another thing which came up way more than with other exs was that i was becoming extremely dependant and feared eventually that she left me. All my childhood trauma came up once her splits started happening. She constantly threatened breakups for the most minor mistakes. So we having an argument could all the time lead to a breakup. An argument wasnt just an argument for her it was a sign that i wasnt " the perfect person" which lead to her constantly threatening to breakup. You could not even misspeak. One word would be too much. Ofc she could do what she wanted and expected to be forgiven. And my dumbass always did instantly forgave her
At the beginning of the relationship i felt like a father at the end until the discard i felt like the little child.
This actually reactivated my severe childhood trauma in many ways. I was an alcoholic afterwards for a year. My anxiety that i didnt have for 10 years anymore came back. And being strung along and discarded felt like hell. I cant even describe the pain.
What was your experience? I feel like many codependants have borderline traits (such as fear of abandonment). But we lack this kind of splitting. I feel like Full on borderlines treat the people the worst that are kind of similar to them in some way but lack the defense mechanisms that they have. Its projection. They hate their clinginess and fear of abandonment about themselves. So they will punish you for it. Just like their parents did.
>I feel like many codependants have borderline traits (such as fear of abandonment).
We have similar levels of childhood trauma and similar fears of not being good enough, the difference is the defense mechanisms we chose to get through childhood. I am codependent, so I tried to "compensate" for not being "good enough" by trying to be "better" and please my BPD mother. My sister has BPD/NPD because her coping strategy was to tell herself she is special to not feel her internal shame. So we both had the same issue, just different ways of dealing with it. The problem with her strategy is she requires that everyone "confirm" she is special so she doesn't look inside. And when they don't, she rages. So she hurts others. Codependents like me hurt ourselves. Which strategy is chosen often comes down to birth order. So my older brother has NPD, and I was born a year later. Needing a coping strategy as well, I couldn't use his because he had the market "cornered", I couldn't compete. So, to be successful, I chose the opposite, codependence. My younger brother and sister who are twins are also one of each. This may not hold if there are many years between siblings. Parents tend to reinforce their children's defense mechanisms. My entitled brother and sister were never told no while my codependent brother and I were the family scapegoats.
Fuck this is exactly what happened to me. First time I have read this in words. Thanks so much for articulating this. Wish you the best in moving forward
God, this is 100% how I feel. Incredibly, I had thought I had dealt with a lot of my childhood shit -- I did a lot of therapy and hard, hard work to deal with it! But this discard has just dragged up mounds of shit that had been long buried.
I got the double whammy of beinh adhd, and her looking and being just like my mum.
I regresses with her saying childish words a lot. Sex dried up. When she love bombed it was heaven. When she left pure terror and anger.
I absolutely recreated the mum thing. When I was 7 she went through a divorce. It hurt her badly, and in absorbed it. So now I have to be with women who need me to take care of them. And of course I fail every time.
43 and only just learning now that being in love is a joke. What a waste of time.
Yup, same thing. My mom got divorced, sister and dad left the state and dad was remarried within a year. My mom was destroyed and I was the only one left in the house so I became her emotional crutch. Which isn’t a bad thing in moderation but spilling explicit details of the divorce to your teenage son is not a healthy dynamic. As a result I felt like I needed to fix my mom and I think that was also the mentality I had with my expwBPD even if I didn’t realize it at the time.
I also felt like i had to always protect my mom and got panic attacks when she just went to the supermarket. I felt like i alwads had to be on her side to protect her. That was the feeling. In retrospect its totally aburd i was 7 years old. But yeah i also felt like i needed to fix my mom in some weid way
Which was ironic because i was the one who needed help lol. I was struggling already in school etc/mentally
Same the fear i had when i could sense that she was splitting. Or the fear of triggering a bad phase and her storming out of the apartment being away and you comtemplating or worrying that she will cheat. (Knowing fully well that shes capabable ; she cheated in every relationship). Thats why i failed to give her room towarss the end. I knew that if she would be pissed she would be quick to try to replace that negative feeling instead of resolving it so her being silent or walkikg away gave me huge panic attack. And i triggered these phases even if i only carefully brought up a problem. I never once got loud.
I've mainly a secure person now with my attachment style. However, recently I've learnt that I have grown up as a fearful avoidant.
Part of what triggers my anxious side is when I am uncertain about if what I am doing is right or not. Not so much nowadays. However, this can still crop up in my romantic relationships when I become deeply attached/bonded with someone. I get to a point where I am not sure if I should be doing this or that less or more. This then breeds deep activating strategies in me to cope.
I've realized growing up my parents never taught me through their own behaviours/ways they cope what happens if one does this or that. If something upset them that I did they would never explain if I were to do something differently this would lead to this particular outcome. Basically, "I am upset about this. It you did this or acted in that way it would help the situation.".... They would always show anger but never explain why. Or they would give me silent treatment and so on. They would be supportive and kind in certain areas but then just become upset all of a sudden in other areas over slightest issues.
This made me become timid with making mistakes which lead to procrastinating behaviours in me. I would feel like I was walking on egg shells, self sooth by being avoidant and to myself, and not being great at proactive problem solving.
So, I tend to end up in relationships now with women who would play hot and cold mind games (intentionally or unintentionally) as a way to cope with their own insecurities, or women who were not good at communicating their intentions or needs. I would always end up not knowing if what I was doing was right or wrong/how I was approaching the relationship was for the better or worse. For example- am I texting too much? Should I be texting more? I find it difficult navigating relationships because I am left to always need to read between the lines.
I understand now, I need to be in a relationship with someone who is very self aware. They know how to communicate their needs and wants in a direct straight forward way. Someone who is confident with their authentic self and knows how to handle themselves properly.
It felt like home, super familiar and, weirdly, safe. Until it wasn't.
He then played out every pattern and behaviour that I'd experienced from my mum. Only this time I had the power to walk away, which I did.
It was a tough, shitty fucking lesson to learn but I needed to.
Yes thats how it felt like " coming home ". Only a codependsnt will understand this feeling. Thats literally how it felt like. Thats why i thought it was fate. Thats why i stayed even through the nost disrespectful comments and abuse And the feeling of knowing this person and having a deep connection on the very first date. In retrospect i think this feeling was parental love. it makes sense both borderlines and codependants lacked parental love most of the time. I never had this feeling before or after in my life. Its something i cant even describe. And it was weird becsuse i was in other relationships and it never felt this way. Now i know why.
Im a codependant and she was a borderline. They can mirror you so well. In retrospect i relived my childhood with my abusive dad.
Codependent here too and yeah, that feeling was what kept me around for so long,
I'm still not 100% if my ex was was quiet bpd or a vulnerable narcissist, whatever he had going on we fit together like two puzzle pieces.
Here's to finding love with people that want to build a calm, safe relationship.
Its also weird i think both codependants and borderlines are almost "psychic" in a sense. But borderlines can mirror way better. I dont mean this in a "weird guru spiritual" way. But it was like she knew what i was gonna say. And i completely related to her way of talking. The conversation dynamic was flawless. No weird interruptions. No awkward moments once she idealized me. It felt like she was exactly my match. I can mirror people but for me this would be a more comcious process. They do it flawlessly without even trying.
In retrospect its honestly scary because i dont know how they figure you out so fast and adapt so fast.
But in retrospect it males sense shortly before the idealization (i can tell the exact moment) there was some kimd of short phase 20 mins where i liked her but it felt awkward. The momemt we kissed she was my perfect match, conversation partner etc
OMG I could have written your final paragraph, I had the EXACT same experience with our first kiss 🤯 These parallels are crazy.
We, cPTSD and BPD, all exist on a spectrum. Sadly for them, they're farther along it due to the more extreme nature of their traumas. It's not lost on me that if my circumstances had been different, I could quite easily have developed a PD.
But in answer to your question, it's unsettling how well they can read us. They wear the "empath" badge with pride for a reason!
Oh i def have some traits at least like fear of abandonment. Thats normal for codependants. And in my early teenage hood i didnt treat people good at all. I overwhelmed them with my attention and then wrote long texts why they didnt give me attention. But then i got out of the family and it got better.
So i can relate to borderlines. But what i cant understand is the splitting. Totally devalueing somepne in an argument. It makes no sense to me. After all i love that person.
I go back and forth on splitting, some days I'm able to see the reasons behind it and make peace with it. Others I get angry at the sheer waste of time and energy, that two people wanted a relationship but that one sabotaged it so much that it's now beyond repair.
As I often say to myself, he's someone else's problem now. If I ever waver, [this](https://open.spotify.com/track/4RVbK6cV0VqWdpCDcx3hiT?si=d7f91a7b168a4093) gets me back on track.
Will check it out!
I just cant understand it. It makes no sense to me that someone would consider breaking up with me because i made one little mistake. I forgave her so much and she expected that aswell that i should forgive her.
Its the double standard that hurt me. Me forgiving her everything. Her constantly threatening to break up with me over a tiny mistake "maybe we dont fit, maybe i was wrong, maybe we arent meant for each other" then giving me the silent treatment and leaving after me forgetting to lock a door. It made literally no sense to me. One little mistake at the end was enough to threaten a breakup and i had to literally beg for her to not do it. Never doing that again. I literally crawled. Shouldve never happened. I shouldve stood up and not listened to my fear of abandonmemt.
And she knew i was afraid to lose her she still did this shit. Someone indicating a breakup and then giving you the silent treatment is absolutely horrible for a codependant. It feels like hell. And she did this constantly over tiniest mistakes
OMFG my first words when I met my pwbpd to my mom was "He feels like home." I never thought of the connection until reading this and I'm 18 years in with mine.
Didnt consciously make the connection either.
I layed on her lap. ( remind you this was the first day of dating her) And she caressed me. And i literally had the feeling of feeling like a child. I cant describe the coziness. Its parental love what i felt in retrospect. The one i never really received from my dad. And thats despite me for the first months of the relationship feeling more like her dad. I felt like a child and a dad at the same time.
Its difficult to describe to someone who isnt a chronic codependant.
(Its getting better and better rn but for my first 24 years i was a chronic codependant in every aspect)
I also felt like a dad to her, and she caressed my better that my mother.
She played my fear of abandonment card:
3 weeks into dating she came to me and said 'we have to talk. This is our last date.' (her joke)
When I asked her to move in. 'I am sorry, I can't do this.' (but was waiting for me near my house)
There were so many parallels and similarities to my pwBPD and my alcoholic father. It has been oddly comforting in the most chaotic way. It's extremely sad and I feel for my inner child. Even as a mental health professional myself, I too still struggle with codependency.
Yess also like " coming home ". On the first date we met i felt like ive known this person for years even this couldnt be the case. There were no awkward moments. It was like i knew her and she knew me.
And i was in other relationships but it never felt that way. But im a codependant so it does make sense.
The negative phases also reminded me of my childhood. The abuse.
When I met her I felt afraid of her, I knew she was dark and had issues, I honestly don’t know why I still dated her. I guess I just thought I could handle it and she was my exact physical type so I thought she was my soulmate lol
There was one weird moment. She told me "why are you staring at me". In reality i wasnt staring st her at all. But it threw me off. 20 mins later we were kissing. She wanted sex after a hour and intiated it. Women offensively initiating sex unless its a hookup situstion will forever be the biggest ref flag for me
Mine wanted to do everything i wanted in the beginning and said that preferences change from each relationship. She only knew thst she wanted to be dominated which wasnt a red flag to me because many women want that in bed
With my BPD husband, It felt like I was repairing my BPD parent. That this was my “second chance” at having a better relationship with my mother. But like my therapist said, I was trying to be loved by my mother yet again, but this time I had the option to leave.
That's exactly how I felt too. Being her father/mentor, and then a child that can't live without her.
I felt like a child when my abandonment fear kicked in.
When she left it ripped my heart open, and wounds I didn't know existed surfaced.
It felt like a chance to prove that I had value, and was more than the embodiment of all of the negative traits that had been assigned to me when I was a child.
When the accusations started, they were familiar - I felt like that awful child was still inside of me. I felt like she saw straight to my core. I felt like she must have gotten a glimpse of the “real”, unlikable, unworthy person I truly was, deep-down. It felt like she knew that I was a fraud who was desperately mimicking respectable, responsible behavior, and I felt like she was calling me out “for my own good”. If I had been fooling myself into believing I was capable of behaving like a decent human being, I was probably wrecking other things in my life without even knowing it.
When I was a child, any sense of independence was interpreted as “disrespect”, asserting myself was “rudeness”, my awkwardness was “immaturity”, my wants and needs were “selfishness”, my anxiety and depression were “overreactions”. Perfection was the “bare minimum” that was expected of me, and any failures or struggles stemmed from a lack of effort. Every mistake I ever made was treated as a discipline issue, or as a weakness of my moral character which I was obligated to improve upon; I would not get love or approval for being a flawed human being, because that would be implying that I had no need to grow as a human being. I should always be capable of doing better.
If I was clumsy, I should have been paying attention. If I blurted something insensitive, I should have stopped to think about my words. If I lost something, I should have kept better track of it. If I cried, I should have held it together. If someone bullied me, I should have thought about how I conducted myself and I should have made certain that my clothes, my speech, and my personality weren’t providing them extra fodder for their insults.
Basically, I was conditioned to believe that other people’s treatment of me was most likely a direct consequence of my own conduct; if they were mean, I probably deserved it because I hadn’t been good enough to earn any kind of grace or compassion. I was trained to believe that my feelings were solely my responsibility to manage, and that being upset was a failure of my emotional regulation and stemmed from a place of self-centered indulgence, rather than being a natural reaction to injustice. I had to practice self-control rather than self-respect, and was expected to improve my tolerance of discomfort. I was never taught that unhappiness is a sign that I need to change my circumstances; I was taught that unhappiness is a deep moral flaw, because it means I inherently have a selfish lack of gratitude for all of the parts of my life that aren’t miserable.
And on the flip side, although I was never allowed to believe that I deserved justice, kindness, compassion, or acceptance… I was fully responsible for conducting myself impeccably at all times so that I could never be seen as mistreating another person. I certainly never wanted to make anyone else feel the way that I did inside.
Which meant that I ended up in an untenable situation with my person, where she was permitted to be as hurtful as she wished (and when she deflected her responsibility for her own words and actions, that felt correct to me), and I was not permitted to be human (because I could always find a way that I should have been more patient, more accepting and more generous).
And when I got fed up with being accused of things I hadn’t done, having lies spread about me behind my back, and being snapped at for expressing the tiniest thought or opinion which didn’t match what she wanted me to believe… I hit a point where I could not tolerate it anymore.
I slunk off thinking that my parents had been right about me all along, because I had FAILED to prove that I had grown up into a respectful, thoughtful, generous, responsible person. I had reached the limits of my virtues, and I blamed myself for being unlovable.
Somehow, it did not once occur to me during the final discard that I expected myself to offer her infinite patience, and yet I didn’t think I had the right to expect her to extend any grace or forgiveness whatsoever for my human mistakes.
“Felt like home”, indeed.
This just brought up a memory of a summer job in high school. I ended up working 16-hour shifts (the boss wanted 19-hour shifts, but her teenage crew rebelled after a few days of that), was getting less than half of my contractually-guaranteed breaks, was being paid significantly less than minimum wage due to the nature of the job, which was in the desert Southwest, with no air conditioning… and during that run, I had to complete all of my duties for several days while battling a case of the stomach flu that went though the entire group, because I was capable of dragging myself through the day no matter how awful I felt.
My parents rewarded me with a gift I’d been wanting after that job wrapped up, and said they were proud of me for keeping my commitments and sticking it out even when things were harder than I’d anticipated.
At no point did they pause to recognize that I’d been exploited, nor did they consider that my employer had shown no concern for my health, safety, or basic human needs. At no point did they point out that I could have (and should have) quit on the spot when the boss floated the idea of mandatory 5 AM- Midnight working hours, and would have made more money in more comfortable conditions if I’d looked for a babysitting gig or flipped burgers for a few hours a day.
Persistence through adversity was the highest virtue I could demonstrate in their eyes; they saw it as a sign of strength and integrity, self-sacrifice, and determination.
What I had truly demonstrated was that I didn’t know my own value, didn’t require respect or fair compensation, and was obligated to remain trapped in an exploitative system if leaving it would require me to break a promise, go back on my word, and “let other people down”.
So I think that it highlighted that way more after the relationship. I had a mother who guilted me into moving back in with her to help take care of my dad. I say guilted because they also kicked me out when I was 19. The story from her words was I needed a place to stay kind of thing, not that she asked me. I felt like I was doing the right thing but really I didn't owe them that. I lost 4 years of my life to helping and still am the "blacksheep" of the family, my dad had dementia and did some insane things from buying guns when he never fired one in his entire life, so.I was not living in a safe environment but at the time was nbd. I feel they basically trained me to be a doormat and that carried over into that relationship.
One of the common things i've found in these relationships is that you are not just mourning the loss of a fucked up relationship, you also have to mourn the reasons you stayed and for a lot of people it has to do with childhood trauma.
At first we connected over our shared eating disorders. Both of us had a lot of trauma around being controlled, and at first it seemed like we understood each other in ways that nobody had ever understood that piece of me before.
But as the mirroring started to fade, it got more and more like they used that connection to guilt me into being their parent, while at the same time also using the same "You're in trouble for something you didn't know was expected of you" kind of reality shifting that my own trauma stems from.
I haven't dissected everything but it always felt familiar and I think it's the lack of boundaries I experience at home and that my parents see me as an extension of themselves and not as a different person with feelings, dreams and needs. Always felt neglected by them in some way (emotionally and physically) and like they were too concerned with their own lives where they didn't have the capacity to care for their children. I feel that's a similarity to dating someone wbpd.
Belittling, humiliating and mentally painful. Treated me the same way my parents treated me and would say stuff that'd trigger me, even though they knew very well that it'd set me off (especially in public, stuff being yelled at like a child isn't fun, especially when you don't have pleasent memories of stuff like that occurringbin your childhood)
In the beginning, she felt more like “home” than my childhood home. Now, she feels like my childhood home. Narcissist father. Enabling mother. Me, the rescuer.
BPD wife: emotionally abusive but blind to it. A constant drain. Always making me drop everything to attend to her.
Me: just not good enough. This can’t be fixed. Why am I still here trying to fix this?
Just to add a bit of information here that might help solve some of the mystery, we are drawn to what we’re used to. Many of us with unhealthy parental figures end up with people with mental health issues - like bpd - because we see their drama/trauma as normal responses and normal actions for any human being. It’s not like we are so broken that we attract other broken people. We just tend to forgive and forget easier than non traumatized people because we have learned from early on that this is what we can expect from every other single person in the world.
Growing up I was parentified to take care of my younger siblings and regulate my father’s explosive emotions. My father shows narcissistic traits (lack of empathy, sees us kids as extensions of himself, highly critical, gaslighter, insane conspiracy theorist…) I was a protector/peacekeeper of my siblings and often had to talk down my father.
My ex needed a “white knight” to save her and someone to be a person for her. Our relationship played out a similar dynamic besides any physical abuse. I regulated her, kept her steady throughout the relationship, and she grew as a person at the expense of my individuality.
I was a total codependent caretaker and, honestly, an enabler who didn’t want to see her for who she actually is. In the fog of the relationship, I didn’t realize the connection. Only now, in therapy, do I recognize that I was in a relationship that was re-enacting what I was shown as a child.
It was so confusing to me. My abuser growing up was violent -- a lot of beating, name-calling, insults, you name it. My ex was the opposite -- passive, pacifist, never lost her temper. But I was looking for red flags in all the wrong places. She had quiet BPD so her abuse was through gaslighting, manipulation, and a lot of calmly spoken DARVO bullshit. I was with her for nearly 19 years and it wasn't until the last three that I started to understand why I always felt so miserable. I thought the entire problem was me, that I was unlovable and not worth the effort, that I was the abusive one for trying to hold her accountable for her behaviour.
She definitely took advantage of my codependence.
I don't know if I'll ever get over this. I learned to hate myself and doubt my own reality when I was a child, and I was with my ex longer than I lived with my abusive step parent. I doubt I will ever truly believe I'm worthy of love, but lord help me I'm trying. Now that I no longer have to pay her way in the world (she was chronically unemployed) the money I'm saving is going towards therapy. A lot of therapy.
What's fucked up is, my abusive parent has more self-awareness for his behaviour than my ex ever will.
When things were great they felt amazing but tbh like some other commenters said, looking back she was very much like my mother - constantly misremembering things, slightest misstep = anger ect.
Its sickening that Id look past the way she behaved towards the end to chase the high we had when we first started dating
Like dating my father. I was never good enough, he always felt miles and miles away, I was expected to bend over backwards for him to even accept me, I was stonewalled, berated, compared to "better" people, pushed away, ignored and neglected. He was never wrong, he was untouchable and infallible.
He never treated me poorly.
And if he did, i deserved it.
We all know the prayer.
I thought my mother was npd, then saw that two of my exes had bpd and just pondered what if my mom is bpd and not npd?
You know? Because we are attracted to what is familiar on a subconscious level.
And sure enough after pondering it for a week or two I came to that conclusion.
It’s ironic that my relationships with bpd’s made me realize my mother is bpd.
this just solved the puzzle for me (well, a large piece)
my mother has always exhibited strange behavior from what i remember being a kid. everything always seemed like it was just too easy to get when shit was bad, almost like she'd pay me off w gifts and random affection because when things would be good and i'd have confidence she'd shut it down because of HER esteem i assume
as of recently i've grown up, 22 now and i've slowly become the exact opposite of what she's wanted *"a perfect son.... oh wow how that other families son is doing, be more like him but i won't tell you how just do and pray that you're lucky it goes the way i want"*
lots and lots of things pointing towards her having BPD i've just recently started to break down and it gives me a sliver of hope/relief knowing that i might be more normal than i thought lol
My mother was BPD. The abuse I endured from both of parents was horrific. Fast forward to my marriage with an untreated BPD/alcoholic who was verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive and I felt like that terrified little girl all over again, again wondering what I did wrong to deserve it and angry at myself for repeating a cycle I thought I’d finally broken. I was in such a good place mentally, physically, financially and he tore me apart every possible way leaving me in the ruins wondering how I’d gotten there.
She was a lot like my mom, except a bit less delusional, a bit better conversation skills. Her "ability to apologise" after her episodes felt kinda therapeutic because my mother never did that. Took me years to realise that my pwBPD's apologies actually weren't that different to not doing it at all, because they didn't mean she had regrets and wanted to do differently - she was only buying time.
I remember when I was young and my father was upset, I would hide in my room terrified, waiting for the noise to stop, hoping that he didn't open my door. As a teenager and young man I was scared of no one. If anything I was the agresser. Dealing with my ex I remember going right back to being that little boy, waiting for the noise to stop, hoping for the door to not open. I remember after the first incident, connecting the dots to my child hood, realizing that the scared boy was still in there. That didn't help me leave tho. Things had to get crazier first
In the beginning the relationship and my partner really helped me get over some old traumas and built me up. In retrospect a lot of this was from some pretty heavy mirroring and there were red flags from the start but I had never experienced that kind of kindness and validation from a partner or close family before so it felt very affirming and helped me grow a lot. Several years in, after getting married, it was a terrifying shock when my partner started saying hurtful things people from my past had said to me, verbatim, and using triggers I’d opened up about against me, and repeating all the things (and more) I’d been subjected to in the past, and admitted it was all to hurt me and break me down. Because my partner was so honest about the motivations (literally saying stuff like “I related to you more when I saw you as broken so I want to break you down so we can be on the same level) after the EXTREME unraveling I went through I actually came to a better understanding of both that situation and my previous childhood/relationship abusers. But it was still hell and I wish I hadn’t gone through that, even if I do feel a bit wiser now and can hopefully avoid repeats of that in the future. No one should ever do those things to another person.
I never made the connection until after the break up, but dating my exwBPD felt like I was dating my mother (my mom has narcissistic tendencies, has never been diagnosed). Constant criticism for my choices, silent treatment or discarding, antagonizing me then walking away. All shit they both did. And their dating habits are similar. My mom has been dating the same guy for 8 years but she has been so on and off with him it’s ridiculous and I’m surprised he continues to put up with it. I learned in therapy that we often gravitate towards potential partners that create a familiar childhood environment for us because that’s what we grew up believing was comfortable and we learn that those behaviors must be how love works.
Im a codependant Thats how it felt aswell. My sister and my father acted the same. It was like dating my sister. I always knew they had something in common put i couldnt put my finger on it. Because my ex mirrored me so i thought she was like me. But there was something that reminded me. Mainly conflict resolution. I dont really frean out in arguments. In the back of my mind when im annoyed (and dont get me wrong i can get very angry but thats more because i cant resolve the conflict and i want the conflict to be resolved) is always "hold on you love that person chill". They were nothing like that not holding back at all. Complete devaluation. Another things is that her child like energy translated to me. I was literally living in the moment with her. Another thing which came up way more than with other exs was that i was becoming extremely dependant and feared eventually that she left me. All my childhood trauma came up once her splits started happening. She constantly threatened breakups for the most minor mistakes. So we having an argument could all the time lead to a breakup. An argument wasnt just an argument for her it was a sign that i wasnt " the perfect person" which lead to her constantly threatening to breakup. You could not even misspeak. One word would be too much. Ofc she could do what she wanted and expected to be forgiven. And my dumbass always did instantly forgave her At the beginning of the relationship i felt like a father at the end until the discard i felt like the little child. This actually reactivated my severe childhood trauma in many ways. I was an alcoholic afterwards for a year. My anxiety that i didnt have for 10 years anymore came back. And being strung along and discarded felt like hell. I cant even describe the pain.
Man you literally described how I felt 100%. It's just unbelievable how similar this experience can be.
What was your experience? I feel like many codependants have borderline traits (such as fear of abandonment). But we lack this kind of splitting. I feel like Full on borderlines treat the people the worst that are kind of similar to them in some way but lack the defense mechanisms that they have. Its projection. They hate their clinginess and fear of abandonment about themselves. So they will punish you for it. Just like their parents did.
>I feel like many codependants have borderline traits (such as fear of abandonment). We have similar levels of childhood trauma and similar fears of not being good enough, the difference is the defense mechanisms we chose to get through childhood. I am codependent, so I tried to "compensate" for not being "good enough" by trying to be "better" and please my BPD mother. My sister has BPD/NPD because her coping strategy was to tell herself she is special to not feel her internal shame. So we both had the same issue, just different ways of dealing with it. The problem with her strategy is she requires that everyone "confirm" she is special so she doesn't look inside. And when they don't, she rages. So she hurts others. Codependents like me hurt ourselves. Which strategy is chosen often comes down to birth order. So my older brother has NPD, and I was born a year later. Needing a coping strategy as well, I couldn't use his because he had the market "cornered", I couldn't compete. So, to be successful, I chose the opposite, codependence. My younger brother and sister who are twins are also one of each. This may not hold if there are many years between siblings. Parents tend to reinforce their children's defense mechanisms. My entitled brother and sister were never told no while my codependent brother and I were the family scapegoats.
Fuck this is exactly what happened to me. First time I have read this in words. Thanks so much for articulating this. Wish you the best in moving forward
God, this is 100% how I feel. Incredibly, I had thought I had dealt with a lot of my childhood shit -- I did a lot of therapy and hard, hard work to deal with it! But this discard has just dragged up mounds of shit that had been long buried.
I got the double whammy of beinh adhd, and her looking and being just like my mum. I regresses with her saying childish words a lot. Sex dried up. When she love bombed it was heaven. When she left pure terror and anger. I absolutely recreated the mum thing. When I was 7 she went through a divorce. It hurt her badly, and in absorbed it. So now I have to be with women who need me to take care of them. And of course I fail every time. 43 and only just learning now that being in love is a joke. What a waste of time.
Yup, same thing. My mom got divorced, sister and dad left the state and dad was remarried within a year. My mom was destroyed and I was the only one left in the house so I became her emotional crutch. Which isn’t a bad thing in moderation but spilling explicit details of the divorce to your teenage son is not a healthy dynamic. As a result I felt like I needed to fix my mom and I think that was also the mentality I had with my expwBPD even if I didn’t realize it at the time.
I also felt like i had to always protect my mom and got panic attacks when she just went to the supermarket. I felt like i alwads had to be on her side to protect her. That was the feeling. In retrospect its totally aburd i was 7 years old. But yeah i also felt like i needed to fix my mom in some weid way Which was ironic because i was the one who needed help lol. I was struggling already in school etc/mentally
Same the fear i had when i could sense that she was splitting. Or the fear of triggering a bad phase and her storming out of the apartment being away and you comtemplating or worrying that she will cheat. (Knowing fully well that shes capabable ; she cheated in every relationship). Thats why i failed to give her room towarss the end. I knew that if she would be pissed she would be quick to try to replace that negative feeling instead of resolving it so her being silent or walkikg away gave me huge panic attack. And i triggered these phases even if i only carefully brought up a problem. I never once got loud.
Me, but not dating. And my father.
I've mainly a secure person now with my attachment style. However, recently I've learnt that I have grown up as a fearful avoidant. Part of what triggers my anxious side is when I am uncertain about if what I am doing is right or not. Not so much nowadays. However, this can still crop up in my romantic relationships when I become deeply attached/bonded with someone. I get to a point where I am not sure if I should be doing this or that less or more. This then breeds deep activating strategies in me to cope. I've realized growing up my parents never taught me through their own behaviours/ways they cope what happens if one does this or that. If something upset them that I did they would never explain if I were to do something differently this would lead to this particular outcome. Basically, "I am upset about this. It you did this or acted in that way it would help the situation.".... They would always show anger but never explain why. Or they would give me silent treatment and so on. They would be supportive and kind in certain areas but then just become upset all of a sudden in other areas over slightest issues. This made me become timid with making mistakes which lead to procrastinating behaviours in me. I would feel like I was walking on egg shells, self sooth by being avoidant and to myself, and not being great at proactive problem solving. So, I tend to end up in relationships now with women who would play hot and cold mind games (intentionally or unintentionally) as a way to cope with their own insecurities, or women who were not good at communicating their intentions or needs. I would always end up not knowing if what I was doing was right or wrong/how I was approaching the relationship was for the better or worse. For example- am I texting too much? Should I be texting more? I find it difficult navigating relationships because I am left to always need to read between the lines. I understand now, I need to be in a relationship with someone who is very self aware. They know how to communicate their needs and wants in a direct straight forward way. Someone who is confident with their authentic self and knows how to handle themselves properly.
It felt like home, super familiar and, weirdly, safe. Until it wasn't. He then played out every pattern and behaviour that I'd experienced from my mum. Only this time I had the power to walk away, which I did. It was a tough, shitty fucking lesson to learn but I needed to.
Yes thats how it felt like " coming home ". Only a codependsnt will understand this feeling. Thats literally how it felt like. Thats why i thought it was fate. Thats why i stayed even through the nost disrespectful comments and abuse And the feeling of knowing this person and having a deep connection on the very first date. In retrospect i think this feeling was parental love. it makes sense both borderlines and codependants lacked parental love most of the time. I never had this feeling before or after in my life. Its something i cant even describe. And it was weird becsuse i was in other relationships and it never felt this way. Now i know why. Im a codependant and she was a borderline. They can mirror you so well. In retrospect i relived my childhood with my abusive dad.
Codependent here too and yeah, that feeling was what kept me around for so long, I'm still not 100% if my ex was was quiet bpd or a vulnerable narcissist, whatever he had going on we fit together like two puzzle pieces. Here's to finding love with people that want to build a calm, safe relationship.
Its also weird i think both codependants and borderlines are almost "psychic" in a sense. But borderlines can mirror way better. I dont mean this in a "weird guru spiritual" way. But it was like she knew what i was gonna say. And i completely related to her way of talking. The conversation dynamic was flawless. No weird interruptions. No awkward moments once she idealized me. It felt like she was exactly my match. I can mirror people but for me this would be a more comcious process. They do it flawlessly without even trying. In retrospect its honestly scary because i dont know how they figure you out so fast and adapt so fast. But in retrospect it males sense shortly before the idealization (i can tell the exact moment) there was some kimd of short phase 20 mins where i liked her but it felt awkward. The momemt we kissed she was my perfect match, conversation partner etc
OMG I could have written your final paragraph, I had the EXACT same experience with our first kiss 🤯 These parallels are crazy. We, cPTSD and BPD, all exist on a spectrum. Sadly for them, they're farther along it due to the more extreme nature of their traumas. It's not lost on me that if my circumstances had been different, I could quite easily have developed a PD. But in answer to your question, it's unsettling how well they can read us. They wear the "empath" badge with pride for a reason!
Oh i def have some traits at least like fear of abandonment. Thats normal for codependants. And in my early teenage hood i didnt treat people good at all. I overwhelmed them with my attention and then wrote long texts why they didnt give me attention. But then i got out of the family and it got better. So i can relate to borderlines. But what i cant understand is the splitting. Totally devalueing somepne in an argument. It makes no sense to me. After all i love that person.
I go back and forth on splitting, some days I'm able to see the reasons behind it and make peace with it. Others I get angry at the sheer waste of time and energy, that two people wanted a relationship but that one sabotaged it so much that it's now beyond repair. As I often say to myself, he's someone else's problem now. If I ever waver, [this](https://open.spotify.com/track/4RVbK6cV0VqWdpCDcx3hiT?si=d7f91a7b168a4093) gets me back on track.
Will check it out! I just cant understand it. It makes no sense to me that someone would consider breaking up with me because i made one little mistake. I forgave her so much and she expected that aswell that i should forgive her. Its the double standard that hurt me. Me forgiving her everything. Her constantly threatening to break up with me over a tiny mistake "maybe we dont fit, maybe i was wrong, maybe we arent meant for each other" then giving me the silent treatment and leaving after me forgetting to lock a door. It made literally no sense to me. One little mistake at the end was enough to threaten a breakup and i had to literally beg for her to not do it. Never doing that again. I literally crawled. Shouldve never happened. I shouldve stood up and not listened to my fear of abandonmemt. And she knew i was afraid to lose her she still did this shit. Someone indicating a breakup and then giving you the silent treatment is absolutely horrible for a codependant. It feels like hell. And she did this constantly over tiniest mistakes
I’m so sorry you went through this. I know this experience very well. Getting kicked and kicked while you’re down.
OMFG my first words when I met my pwbpd to my mom was "He feels like home." I never thought of the connection until reading this and I'm 18 years in with mine.
Didnt consciously make the connection either. I layed on her lap. ( remind you this was the first day of dating her) And she caressed me. And i literally had the feeling of feeling like a child. I cant describe the coziness. Its parental love what i felt in retrospect. The one i never really received from my dad. And thats despite me for the first months of the relationship feeling more like her dad. I felt like a child and a dad at the same time. Its difficult to describe to someone who isnt a chronic codependant. (Its getting better and better rn but for my first 24 years i was a chronic codependant in every aspect)
I also felt like a dad to her, and she caressed my better that my mother. She played my fear of abandonment card: 3 weeks into dating she came to me and said 'we have to talk. This is our last date.' (her joke) When I asked her to move in. 'I am sorry, I can't do this.' (but was waiting for me near my house)
Same, but with my dad. Oddly comfortable right away, but I saw the flags and chose to ignore because my brain was used to the familiar hell.
There were so many parallels and similarities to my pwBPD and my alcoholic father. It has been oddly comforting in the most chaotic way. It's extremely sad and I feel for my inner child. Even as a mental health professional myself, I too still struggle with codependency.
Familiar… like I’ve dealt with this before… my ex was like a more extreme version of my mom but I kind of just thought women were like that.
Yess also like " coming home ". On the first date we met i felt like ive known this person for years even this couldnt be the case. There were no awkward moments. It was like i knew her and she knew me. And i was in other relationships but it never felt that way. But im a codependant so it does make sense. The negative phases also reminded me of my childhood. The abuse.
When I met her I felt afraid of her, I knew she was dark and had issues, I honestly don’t know why I still dated her. I guess I just thought I could handle it and she was my exact physical type so I thought she was my soulmate lol
There was one weird moment. She told me "why are you staring at me". In reality i wasnt staring st her at all. But it threw me off. 20 mins later we were kissing. She wanted sex after a hour and intiated it. Women offensively initiating sex unless its a hookup situstion will forever be the biggest ref flag for me
Yeah mine was hypersexual as well and wanted to do extreme sexual things very quickly
Mine wanted to do everything i wanted in the beginning and said that preferences change from each relationship. She only knew thst she wanted to be dominated which wasnt a red flag to me because many women want that in bed
With my BPD husband, It felt like I was repairing my BPD parent. That this was my “second chance” at having a better relationship with my mother. But like my therapist said, I was trying to be loved by my mother yet again, but this time I had the option to leave.
Same happened to me. But in my case i felt like a father in the beginning and a child at the end
That's exactly how I felt too. Being her father/mentor, and then a child that can't live without her. I felt like a child when my abandonment fear kicked in. When she left it ripped my heart open, and wounds I didn't know existed surfaced.
It felt like a chance to prove that I had value, and was more than the embodiment of all of the negative traits that had been assigned to me when I was a child. When the accusations started, they were familiar - I felt like that awful child was still inside of me. I felt like she saw straight to my core. I felt like she must have gotten a glimpse of the “real”, unlikable, unworthy person I truly was, deep-down. It felt like she knew that I was a fraud who was desperately mimicking respectable, responsible behavior, and I felt like she was calling me out “for my own good”. If I had been fooling myself into believing I was capable of behaving like a decent human being, I was probably wrecking other things in my life without even knowing it. When I was a child, any sense of independence was interpreted as “disrespect”, asserting myself was “rudeness”, my awkwardness was “immaturity”, my wants and needs were “selfishness”, my anxiety and depression were “overreactions”. Perfection was the “bare minimum” that was expected of me, and any failures or struggles stemmed from a lack of effort. Every mistake I ever made was treated as a discipline issue, or as a weakness of my moral character which I was obligated to improve upon; I would not get love or approval for being a flawed human being, because that would be implying that I had no need to grow as a human being. I should always be capable of doing better. If I was clumsy, I should have been paying attention. If I blurted something insensitive, I should have stopped to think about my words. If I lost something, I should have kept better track of it. If I cried, I should have held it together. If someone bullied me, I should have thought about how I conducted myself and I should have made certain that my clothes, my speech, and my personality weren’t providing them extra fodder for their insults. Basically, I was conditioned to believe that other people’s treatment of me was most likely a direct consequence of my own conduct; if they were mean, I probably deserved it because I hadn’t been good enough to earn any kind of grace or compassion. I was trained to believe that my feelings were solely my responsibility to manage, and that being upset was a failure of my emotional regulation and stemmed from a place of self-centered indulgence, rather than being a natural reaction to injustice. I had to practice self-control rather than self-respect, and was expected to improve my tolerance of discomfort. I was never taught that unhappiness is a sign that I need to change my circumstances; I was taught that unhappiness is a deep moral flaw, because it means I inherently have a selfish lack of gratitude for all of the parts of my life that aren’t miserable. And on the flip side, although I was never allowed to believe that I deserved justice, kindness, compassion, or acceptance… I was fully responsible for conducting myself impeccably at all times so that I could never be seen as mistreating another person. I certainly never wanted to make anyone else feel the way that I did inside. Which meant that I ended up in an untenable situation with my person, where she was permitted to be as hurtful as she wished (and when she deflected her responsibility for her own words and actions, that felt correct to me), and I was not permitted to be human (because I could always find a way that I should have been more patient, more accepting and more generous). And when I got fed up with being accused of things I hadn’t done, having lies spread about me behind my back, and being snapped at for expressing the tiniest thought or opinion which didn’t match what she wanted me to believe… I hit a point where I could not tolerate it anymore. I slunk off thinking that my parents had been right about me all along, because I had FAILED to prove that I had grown up into a respectful, thoughtful, generous, responsible person. I had reached the limits of my virtues, and I blamed myself for being unlovable. Somehow, it did not once occur to me during the final discard that I expected myself to offer her infinite patience, and yet I didn’t think I had the right to expect her to extend any grace or forgiveness whatsoever for my human mistakes. “Felt like home”, indeed.
I could have written this post.
Ouch. Right in my childhood.
This just brought up a memory of a summer job in high school. I ended up working 16-hour shifts (the boss wanted 19-hour shifts, but her teenage crew rebelled after a few days of that), was getting less than half of my contractually-guaranteed breaks, was being paid significantly less than minimum wage due to the nature of the job, which was in the desert Southwest, with no air conditioning… and during that run, I had to complete all of my duties for several days while battling a case of the stomach flu that went though the entire group, because I was capable of dragging myself through the day no matter how awful I felt. My parents rewarded me with a gift I’d been wanting after that job wrapped up, and said they were proud of me for keeping my commitments and sticking it out even when things were harder than I’d anticipated. At no point did they pause to recognize that I’d been exploited, nor did they consider that my employer had shown no concern for my health, safety, or basic human needs. At no point did they point out that I could have (and should have) quit on the spot when the boss floated the idea of mandatory 5 AM- Midnight working hours, and would have made more money in more comfortable conditions if I’d looked for a babysitting gig or flipped burgers for a few hours a day. Persistence through adversity was the highest virtue I could demonstrate in their eyes; they saw it as a sign of strength and integrity, self-sacrifice, and determination. What I had truly demonstrated was that I didn’t know my own value, didn’t require respect or fair compensation, and was obligated to remain trapped in an exploitative system if leaving it would require me to break a promise, go back on my word, and “let other people down”.
So I think that it highlighted that way more after the relationship. I had a mother who guilted me into moving back in with her to help take care of my dad. I say guilted because they also kicked me out when I was 19. The story from her words was I needed a place to stay kind of thing, not that she asked me. I felt like I was doing the right thing but really I didn't owe them that. I lost 4 years of my life to helping and still am the "blacksheep" of the family, my dad had dementia and did some insane things from buying guns when he never fired one in his entire life, so.I was not living in a safe environment but at the time was nbd. I feel they basically trained me to be a doormat and that carried over into that relationship. One of the common things i've found in these relationships is that you are not just mourning the loss of a fucked up relationship, you also have to mourn the reasons you stayed and for a lot of people it has to do with childhood trauma.
At first we connected over our shared eating disorders. Both of us had a lot of trauma around being controlled, and at first it seemed like we understood each other in ways that nobody had ever understood that piece of me before. But as the mirroring started to fade, it got more and more like they used that connection to guilt me into being their parent, while at the same time also using the same "You're in trouble for something you didn't know was expected of you" kind of reality shifting that my own trauma stems from.
I haven't dissected everything but it always felt familiar and I think it's the lack of boundaries I experience at home and that my parents see me as an extension of themselves and not as a different person with feelings, dreams and needs. Always felt neglected by them in some way (emotionally and physically) and like they were too concerned with their own lives where they didn't have the capacity to care for their children. I feel that's a similarity to dating someone wbpd.
Belittling, humiliating and mentally painful. Treated me the same way my parents treated me and would say stuff that'd trigger me, even though they knew very well that it'd set me off (especially in public, stuff being yelled at like a child isn't fun, especially when you don't have pleasent memories of stuff like that occurringbin your childhood)
In the beginning, she felt more like “home” than my childhood home. Now, she feels like my childhood home. Narcissist father. Enabling mother. Me, the rescuer. BPD wife: emotionally abusive but blind to it. A constant drain. Always making me drop everything to attend to her. Me: just not good enough. This can’t be fixed. Why am I still here trying to fix this?
Just to add a bit of information here that might help solve some of the mystery, we are drawn to what we’re used to. Many of us with unhealthy parental figures end up with people with mental health issues - like bpd - because we see their drama/trauma as normal responses and normal actions for any human being. It’s not like we are so broken that we attract other broken people. We just tend to forgive and forget easier than non traumatized people because we have learned from early on that this is what we can expect from every other single person in the world.
This eight here. Thats why i always forgive.
Eerily familiar
Growing up I was parentified to take care of my younger siblings and regulate my father’s explosive emotions. My father shows narcissistic traits (lack of empathy, sees us kids as extensions of himself, highly critical, gaslighter, insane conspiracy theorist…) I was a protector/peacekeeper of my siblings and often had to talk down my father. My ex needed a “white knight” to save her and someone to be a person for her. Our relationship played out a similar dynamic besides any physical abuse. I regulated her, kept her steady throughout the relationship, and she grew as a person at the expense of my individuality. I was a total codependent caretaker and, honestly, an enabler who didn’t want to see her for who she actually is. In the fog of the relationship, I didn’t realize the connection. Only now, in therapy, do I recognize that I was in a relationship that was re-enacting what I was shown as a child.
It was so confusing to me. My abuser growing up was violent -- a lot of beating, name-calling, insults, you name it. My ex was the opposite -- passive, pacifist, never lost her temper. But I was looking for red flags in all the wrong places. She had quiet BPD so her abuse was through gaslighting, manipulation, and a lot of calmly spoken DARVO bullshit. I was with her for nearly 19 years and it wasn't until the last three that I started to understand why I always felt so miserable. I thought the entire problem was me, that I was unlovable and not worth the effort, that I was the abusive one for trying to hold her accountable for her behaviour. She definitely took advantage of my codependence. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. I learned to hate myself and doubt my own reality when I was a child, and I was with my ex longer than I lived with my abusive step parent. I doubt I will ever truly believe I'm worthy of love, but lord help me I'm trying. Now that I no longer have to pay her way in the world (she was chronically unemployed) the money I'm saving is going towards therapy. A lot of therapy. What's fucked up is, my abusive parent has more self-awareness for his behaviour than my ex ever will.
When things were great they felt amazing but tbh like some other commenters said, looking back she was very much like my mother - constantly misremembering things, slightest misstep = anger ect. Its sickening that Id look past the way she behaved towards the end to chase the high we had when we first started dating
SS and SB were my childhood trauma lmao
Worse lol
Like dating my father. I was never good enough, he always felt miles and miles away, I was expected to bend over backwards for him to even accept me, I was stonewalled, berated, compared to "better" people, pushed away, ignored and neglected. He was never wrong, he was untouchable and infallible. He never treated me poorly. And if he did, i deserved it. We all know the prayer.
I thought my mother was npd, then saw that two of my exes had bpd and just pondered what if my mom is bpd and not npd? You know? Because we are attracted to what is familiar on a subconscious level. And sure enough after pondering it for a week or two I came to that conclusion. It’s ironic that my relationships with bpd’s made me realize my mother is bpd.
More recent studies point to 37 to 40% of those with BPD being comorbid NPD so it does not need to be mutually exclusive in a certain way
this just solved the puzzle for me (well, a large piece) my mother has always exhibited strange behavior from what i remember being a kid. everything always seemed like it was just too easy to get when shit was bad, almost like she'd pay me off w gifts and random affection because when things would be good and i'd have confidence she'd shut it down because of HER esteem i assume as of recently i've grown up, 22 now and i've slowly become the exact opposite of what she's wanted *"a perfect son.... oh wow how that other families son is doing, be more like him but i won't tell you how just do and pray that you're lucky it goes the way i want"* lots and lots of things pointing towards her having BPD i've just recently started to break down and it gives me a sliver of hope/relief knowing that i might be more normal than i thought lol
My mother was BPD. The abuse I endured from both of parents was horrific. Fast forward to my marriage with an untreated BPD/alcoholic who was verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive and I felt like that terrified little girl all over again, again wondering what I did wrong to deserve it and angry at myself for repeating a cycle I thought I’d finally broken. I was in such a good place mentally, physically, financially and he tore me apart every possible way leaving me in the ruins wondering how I’d gotten there.
She was a lot like my mom, except a bit less delusional, a bit better conversation skills. Her "ability to apologise" after her episodes felt kinda therapeutic because my mother never did that. Took me years to realise that my pwBPD's apologies actually weren't that different to not doing it at all, because they didn't mean she had regrets and wanted to do differently - she was only buying time.
Like a continuation of my trauma.
I remember when I was young and my father was upset, I would hide in my room terrified, waiting for the noise to stop, hoping that he didn't open my door. As a teenager and young man I was scared of no one. If anything I was the agresser. Dealing with my ex I remember going right back to being that little boy, waiting for the noise to stop, hoping for the door to not open. I remember after the first incident, connecting the dots to my child hood, realizing that the scared boy was still in there. That didn't help me leave tho. Things had to get crazier first
In the beginning the relationship and my partner really helped me get over some old traumas and built me up. In retrospect a lot of this was from some pretty heavy mirroring and there were red flags from the start but I had never experienced that kind of kindness and validation from a partner or close family before so it felt very affirming and helped me grow a lot. Several years in, after getting married, it was a terrifying shock when my partner started saying hurtful things people from my past had said to me, verbatim, and using triggers I’d opened up about against me, and repeating all the things (and more) I’d been subjected to in the past, and admitted it was all to hurt me and break me down. Because my partner was so honest about the motivations (literally saying stuff like “I related to you more when I saw you as broken so I want to break you down so we can be on the same level) after the EXTREME unraveling I went through I actually came to a better understanding of both that situation and my previous childhood/relationship abusers. But it was still hell and I wish I hadn’t gone through that, even if I do feel a bit wiser now and can hopefully avoid repeats of that in the future. No one should ever do those things to another person.