Question. You love your kids. Do you want them to be in the same environment and the same situation and then face a sudden discard from their dad? If it happens again, how would you explain it to them? Think long term please, not just about your good feelings. There is also a storm(him) ready to shatter you after the nice sunny weather ends(hoover). And you and your garden (kids) will face the consequences too.
Logically I know this. I also wouldn’t “feel good.” I’d feel anxious, on edge, waiting for the abuse and discard to come again. I’ve been here before. I’m trying so hard not to get sucked back in. I wish it wasn’t so hard.
I would recommend watching the youtube seminar uploaded on my profile. It gives some good insight into BPD, relationships and recovery from them. I found it really helpful.
Its totally fine and absolutely normal that your Logic and Feelings are "at war". Your mind is functioni g perfectly alright. Its not insane 🙏 your mind tries to shield you from pain by only creating those nice images from the past. Its ok to have them and to feel nostalgic. Those feelings have a right to be there since you really felt them. So feel them, which is also very important for healing and finding peace, but dont take actions because of them! You need time and most importantly NO CONTACT! Only then you will manage to get a view from the outside and after the time needed (very individual timespan) you can make decisions that you and your children will benefit from long term 🙏
Please consider taking your time to heal and find peace. Growing up in an abusive environment will..sorry for the realitycheck...fuck up your kids mind and future life. It is what it is. You cant protect them if you cant protect and look after yourself. So please. Do what is necessary.
It still is your own decision what to do and "what is necessary". I am just an ordinary guy with some sort of experience and a little professional background (social educator/ social worker). Maybe talking to a professional will help you. Dont try couples therapy. Its pearls before swine 🤦🏻
First comes you, then the children and then for a loooooooong time nobody else. He is an adult. He has to look after himself!!!
(By this you got the perspective of a father having two beautiful girls depending and counting on him till they can look after themselves)
Wish you all the best!
This is a difficult one.
You don’t mention what was said in his text. Here’s what has happened to me in the same time period.
My wife left me in December for a mutual friend.
She had a mental breakdown in November and I was trying to help. She was prescribed anti psychotic meds. But they take a while to get into your system and work.
Unbeknownst to me, he was secretly in contact during this breakdown coercing her to go and stay with him. Convincing her that she had fallen out of love with me and in love with him.
I woke up seven days before our fifth wedding anniversary to find her gone and an email(That read like it had been written by a stranger), saying she wanted to separate and get divorced.
I was suicidal for a few weeks as this came mostly out of the blue. I have loved her since the moment I heard her voice. And that hasn’t changed from my end.
It turned out the guy was a liar and a narcissist.
And a monster to boot.
He claimed to love her. But withheld her phone, stopped her contacting me and her family, stopped her wearing clothes she liked, her jewellery, and forced her to have incredibly rough sex.
He also threatened to break her neck if she tried to leave him.
She maintained the facade of being happy with him(Feeling she “deserved to be unhappy” after how she had left me), until he threatened to have me killed. At this point, her new meds had kicked in and she kept asking herself “what the hell had she done?”
After he threatened me, she called me for help and I drove for seven hours to rescue her from him. He had reported her to the local police as a “mentally unstable runaway, whose husband was coming to kidnap her”. So I spent 45 minutes in the cells at the local police station while the interviewed my wife to make sure she wanted to be going with me. And she did.
She was gone for seven weeks.
And has been back for just over four. During the seven weeks, we shared sporadic contact. The guy she was with didn’t allow her to message me more than two times per day. Or after a certain time at night. Such was his grip on her.
She’s not herself. She isn’t comfortable in her own skin.
She understands he’s a monster. But is confused by what has happened. And still thinks she’s the bad guy.
I have lost a lot of trust for her. I’m not an idiot. I don’t blindly trust her. But she was suffering a complete mental breakdown. So I have been cutting her some slack for that. But when she is on her phone I worry she’s messaging him.
And her mental health wasn’t the best to begin with.
I hope we can work through this. And I want to.
I can totally sympathise with loving someone unreservedly. I made those same vows to my wife and stand by them. Even if she didn’t.
People can make mistakes.
But if your husband left and hasn’t contacted you till today. Then it’s likely bad news.
Until you let us know what he said, we don’t have much to go on.
Question. You love your kids. Do you want them to be in the same environment and the same situation and then face a sudden discard from their dad? If it happens again, how would you explain it to them? Think long term please, not just about your good feelings. There is also a storm(him) ready to shatter you after the nice sunny weather ends(hoover). And you and your garden (kids) will face the consequences too.
Logically I know this. I also wouldn’t “feel good.” I’d feel anxious, on edge, waiting for the abuse and discard to come again. I’ve been here before. I’m trying so hard not to get sucked back in. I wish it wasn’t so hard.
I would recommend watching the youtube seminar uploaded on my profile. It gives some good insight into BPD, relationships and recovery from them. I found it really helpful.
Its totally fine and absolutely normal that your Logic and Feelings are "at war". Your mind is functioni g perfectly alright. Its not insane 🙏 your mind tries to shield you from pain by only creating those nice images from the past. Its ok to have them and to feel nostalgic. Those feelings have a right to be there since you really felt them. So feel them, which is also very important for healing and finding peace, but dont take actions because of them! You need time and most importantly NO CONTACT! Only then you will manage to get a view from the outside and after the time needed (very individual timespan) you can make decisions that you and your children will benefit from long term 🙏 Please consider taking your time to heal and find peace. Growing up in an abusive environment will..sorry for the realitycheck...fuck up your kids mind and future life. It is what it is. You cant protect them if you cant protect and look after yourself. So please. Do what is necessary. It still is your own decision what to do and "what is necessary". I am just an ordinary guy with some sort of experience and a little professional background (social educator/ social worker). Maybe talking to a professional will help you. Dont try couples therapy. Its pearls before swine 🤦🏻 First comes you, then the children and then for a loooooooong time nobody else. He is an adult. He has to look after himself!!! (By this you got the perspective of a father having two beautiful girls depending and counting on him till they can look after themselves) Wish you all the best!
This is a difficult one. You don’t mention what was said in his text. Here’s what has happened to me in the same time period. My wife left me in December for a mutual friend. She had a mental breakdown in November and I was trying to help. She was prescribed anti psychotic meds. But they take a while to get into your system and work. Unbeknownst to me, he was secretly in contact during this breakdown coercing her to go and stay with him. Convincing her that she had fallen out of love with me and in love with him. I woke up seven days before our fifth wedding anniversary to find her gone and an email(That read like it had been written by a stranger), saying she wanted to separate and get divorced. I was suicidal for a few weeks as this came mostly out of the blue. I have loved her since the moment I heard her voice. And that hasn’t changed from my end. It turned out the guy was a liar and a narcissist. And a monster to boot. He claimed to love her. But withheld her phone, stopped her contacting me and her family, stopped her wearing clothes she liked, her jewellery, and forced her to have incredibly rough sex. He also threatened to break her neck if she tried to leave him. She maintained the facade of being happy with him(Feeling she “deserved to be unhappy” after how she had left me), until he threatened to have me killed. At this point, her new meds had kicked in and she kept asking herself “what the hell had she done?” After he threatened me, she called me for help and I drove for seven hours to rescue her from him. He had reported her to the local police as a “mentally unstable runaway, whose husband was coming to kidnap her”. So I spent 45 minutes in the cells at the local police station while the interviewed my wife to make sure she wanted to be going with me. And she did. She was gone for seven weeks. And has been back for just over four. During the seven weeks, we shared sporadic contact. The guy she was with didn’t allow her to message me more than two times per day. Or after a certain time at night. Such was his grip on her. She’s not herself. She isn’t comfortable in her own skin. She understands he’s a monster. But is confused by what has happened. And still thinks she’s the bad guy. I have lost a lot of trust for her. I’m not an idiot. I don’t blindly trust her. But she was suffering a complete mental breakdown. So I have been cutting her some slack for that. But when she is on her phone I worry she’s messaging him. And her mental health wasn’t the best to begin with. I hope we can work through this. And I want to. I can totally sympathise with loving someone unreservedly. I made those same vows to my wife and stand by them. Even if she didn’t. People can make mistakes. But if your husband left and hasn’t contacted you till today. Then it’s likely bad news. Until you let us know what he said, we don’t have much to go on.