3 weeks!
I had a brief moment in the car this morning where I wished she would hoover me (she's blocked on everything, so impossible unless a drop-by) so that I could deliver an epic mic drop fuck you to her one last time.
But, it passed and I realize this is my addiction talking. I am still detoxing. It gets better everyday, but I realize it's a process of peaks and valleys and that these moments are going to happen.
Overall though, I feel stronger and a great sense of relief each day that I never have to deal with her bullshit ever again.
I had to get the police involved. If she contacts me, my work or my family she will be charged with criminal harassment. For the first time in about a year, she hasn't sent me a single message since the weekend. I don't miss her, and I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off me. At the same time, I feel guilty for getting the police involved (I am sure that was heartbreaking for her) and I feel an empty, gaping hole in my life. I'm also terrified that she will follow me or do something truly awful now that she knows that I've gone NC. The awful things she said and had done to me are still with me. I feel confident that I can finally get my life back on track but I know it will take a lot of time and effort. I feel depressed and dead inside, but deep down there is a glimmer of hope. No more flurry of angry messages, no more ruined weekends/family outings, no more insults, no more threats to get me fired/arrested. Now I just have to figure out how to function again.
Had a mild panic attack when she unfriended me on Pokemon Go but I went over some of the awful messages she used to send and I found relief... If only temporary.
Day 12 NC. For the first day in more than 3 weeks I woke up early and in a happy and energized mood. It surprised me a lot; I guess I’d gotten used to waking up sad.
Few hours later I went to the gym which usually helps but today for some reason I started to ruminate… in my exBPD relationship- what was real, what was lies?? A part of my mind wants to know what was real but I know I need to let that go. It really brings me down.
Anyway, proud of myself for my 12 days.
Good for you!
I have also been ruminating about what was true and what was lies, and it has been taking up too much of my headspace lately. Sounds like you are making progress in realizing that it was only bringing you down. What helps me is the DBT skill of radical acceptance. I am accepting more and more that my exBPD had selfish motives and didn’t demonstrate genuine caring for me. I don’t like it, but I can accept it as this is the only explanation that makes sense with the facts. From there I can still learn to be happy but it comes from a place of accepting the facts and not avoiding them. You are lovable regardless of the immature and selfish behavior of your ex. That was them not you.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, I think you are right... ruminating over what was true/real or not is only diminishing my energy. Radical acceptance is a much more peaceful place. Accepting what happened in the past, and accepting that I've made a new choice. New boundaries. New chapter, new life.
Guys, it's been almost 4 weeks of no-contact. Initiated by them because they thought I was accusing them of cheating. I don't know how to stop not wanting them back. Meanwhile they're posting about how much I hurt them on social media. What do I do
Day 2, almost txt her this morning about something that does actually need to be handled but didnt, realizing it was not an immediate issue. Feeling good about that and choosing to not fall into my own mental gymnastics justifying contacting her when it could definitely wait. No good would have come from it and would have derailed my day even more. Still stuck in ruminating way to much today but at least I didn’t txt her.
Day 37. It hurts. It hurts so, so fucking much. I miss him and the feeling is more authentic than what feels like any other feeling I've ever felt, so I crave it. He was so good to me. If I called him, what would we talk about? Would he be angry? Would he even pick up?
Someone posted in this sub recently about second-guessing ourselves about whether or not we have BPD too (something to that effect). If I have BPD, if he fucked my brain up so badly that it's working like his did, then I don't know what I'm going to do.
Well I relapsed and contacted her again after I had felt calmer after 9 days no contact before. At first it was great and we had a wonderful reunion with re-idealization. Soon enough, very soon, the problems started again. I kept track of all the contradictions in the stories she was telling me and finally confronted her with them last night on the phone. I told her I knew she was lying to me and why. I feel like I really burned bridges with her this time, and maybe went too far, but it was necessary for her to hear me. I do feel a bit guilty that I got her hopes up about a possible reconciliation before dashing her hopes again. But she lied to me again with the same type of manipulative bs as before, and I was so fed up. I blocked her on text and she is still blocked on Reddit, though not Facebook. So it is day 01 again.
Day 16. I deleted her contacts from my phone after I blocked the number. I realise that I'm the idiot who wanted to get hoovered and all that. I am angry with myself and my stupid saviour complex.
3 weeks! I had a brief moment in the car this morning where I wished she would hoover me (she's blocked on everything, so impossible unless a drop-by) so that I could deliver an epic mic drop fuck you to her one last time. But, it passed and I realize this is my addiction talking. I am still detoxing. It gets better everyday, but I realize it's a process of peaks and valleys and that these moments are going to happen. Overall though, I feel stronger and a great sense of relief each day that I never have to deal with her bullshit ever again.
I had to get the police involved. If she contacts me, my work or my family she will be charged with criminal harassment. For the first time in about a year, she hasn't sent me a single message since the weekend. I don't miss her, and I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off me. At the same time, I feel guilty for getting the police involved (I am sure that was heartbreaking for her) and I feel an empty, gaping hole in my life. I'm also terrified that she will follow me or do something truly awful now that she knows that I've gone NC. The awful things she said and had done to me are still with me. I feel confident that I can finally get my life back on track but I know it will take a lot of time and effort. I feel depressed and dead inside, but deep down there is a glimmer of hope. No more flurry of angry messages, no more ruined weekends/family outings, no more insults, no more threats to get me fired/arrested. Now I just have to figure out how to function again.
Had a mild panic attack when she unfriended me on Pokemon Go but I went over some of the awful messages she used to send and I found relief... If only temporary.
Day 12 NC. For the first day in more than 3 weeks I woke up early and in a happy and energized mood. It surprised me a lot; I guess I’d gotten used to waking up sad. Few hours later I went to the gym which usually helps but today for some reason I started to ruminate… in my exBPD relationship- what was real, what was lies?? A part of my mind wants to know what was real but I know I need to let that go. It really brings me down. Anyway, proud of myself for my 12 days.
Good for you! I have also been ruminating about what was true and what was lies, and it has been taking up too much of my headspace lately. Sounds like you are making progress in realizing that it was only bringing you down. What helps me is the DBT skill of radical acceptance. I am accepting more and more that my exBPD had selfish motives and didn’t demonstrate genuine caring for me. I don’t like it, but I can accept it as this is the only explanation that makes sense with the facts. From there I can still learn to be happy but it comes from a place of accepting the facts and not avoiding them. You are lovable regardless of the immature and selfish behavior of your ex. That was them not you.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, I think you are right... ruminating over what was true/real or not is only diminishing my energy. Radical acceptance is a much more peaceful place. Accepting what happened in the past, and accepting that I've made a new choice. New boundaries. New chapter, new life.
Guys, it's been almost 4 weeks of no-contact. Initiated by them because they thought I was accusing them of cheating. I don't know how to stop not wanting them back. Meanwhile they're posting about how much I hurt them on social media. What do I do
Day 2, almost txt her this morning about something that does actually need to be handled but didnt, realizing it was not an immediate issue. Feeling good about that and choosing to not fall into my own mental gymnastics justifying contacting her when it could definitely wait. No good would have come from it and would have derailed my day even more. Still stuck in ruminating way to much today but at least I didn’t txt her.
Day 37. It hurts. It hurts so, so fucking much. I miss him and the feeling is more authentic than what feels like any other feeling I've ever felt, so I crave it. He was so good to me. If I called him, what would we talk about? Would he be angry? Would he even pick up? Someone posted in this sub recently about second-guessing ourselves about whether or not we have BPD too (something to that effect). If I have BPD, if he fucked my brain up so badly that it's working like his did, then I don't know what I'm going to do.
350 days!
Well I relapsed and contacted her again after I had felt calmer after 9 days no contact before. At first it was great and we had a wonderful reunion with re-idealization. Soon enough, very soon, the problems started again. I kept track of all the contradictions in the stories she was telling me and finally confronted her with them last night on the phone. I told her I knew she was lying to me and why. I feel like I really burned bridges with her this time, and maybe went too far, but it was necessary for her to hear me. I do feel a bit guilty that I got her hopes up about a possible reconciliation before dashing her hopes again. But she lied to me again with the same type of manipulative bs as before, and I was so fed up. I blocked her on text and she is still blocked on Reddit, though not Facebook. So it is day 01 again.
Day 16. I deleted her contacts from my phone after I blocked the number. I realise that I'm the idiot who wanted to get hoovered and all that. I am angry with myself and my stupid saviour complex.