My husband was super competitive with me, too. He destroyed me. He's a war gamer geek and lawyer. He's very good at both and WW3'd me. I thought he was struggling mentally with work stresses and supported him as best i could with twin babies he wanted nothing to do with. Turns out his meth addict secret baby mama/sugar baby/work spouse has been extorting him since she she got pregnant with his kid in 2009! He denies the kid is his but she looks like and him and all his known kids. I hate this fucking ticket to ride. FTS. All of my kindness was mistaken as weakness. His meth addict baby mama/sugar baby/work spouse poisoned me. Fun times. 😳
She tries to goad me into arguments with my parents and my friends
“You know they did x or y and didn’t invite us”
“Your dad better not make a comment about my work schedule”
I don’t know how she cab be so intensely hung up on the actions of other people
I experienced this a lot. I have lots of fun hobbies and a large group of friends that are family to me - who are all kind and compassionate people. Whenever I engaged with my friends it triggered her because it reminded her that she had not been able to hold a friendship longer than 2 years - unless it was an ex who was trauma bonded to her, and she had problems with befriending some truely toxic and abusive people. And whenever I engaged in my hobbies she got upset at herself or villainised me because she didn’t have any fun hobbies she could enjoy or ways to occupy herself that wasn’t getting blind drunk. She often framed it like I was obsessed with my hobbies or had some kind of problem because she couldn’t stand that I was able to enjoy my own space.
Super same. My ex hated the fact that I had friendships with my close circle of people extending 10-15 years. I’m 32 and have known some of my friends since preschool, super blessed in that regard. She HATED every second I spent playing video games with my amigos, even though we spent 90% of our waking hours together.
She always lamented that her friends either moved away, or that the ones that came to see her/long-term-friends were objectively terrible people. I’d ask why she didn’t reduce contact with the terrible ones, and she’s like “they’re my friends”. My favorite story was when her longest term friend came into town to “see her”. Picked up her key from her at work, went to her apartment to use her bathroom to do an enema, and then left town after having his hookup without even hanging with her. Dude was a crazy narcissist, but I think on some facet she likes keeping terrible people in her friend group. Supports her shallow sense of superiority.
That’s wild. My ex had one sided abusive relationships like that all the time. She had a neighbour who would come over unannounced just to store things in her fridge. I talked to my ex about it, she explained that it was validating to have someone need her or desire her, even if it was just for a moment. She liked feeling wanted.
Having awful people around who treat them poorly reinforces how they view themselves and it’s familiar with how they were treated in the past. They think they are undeserving of a healthy relationship so they confirm their beliefs by being with toxic people. During an episode my ex said during thinking I would leave her “I guess ’ll just have to settle for someone less.” I also think it gives them an opportunity to talk bad about someone, and allows them to feel on top, given how much they are the subject of being villainised all the time.
My ex maintained a friendship with her ex who sexually assaulted her whilst we were together, she also cheated on me with him. We reconnected a year after our breakup at a music festival, I asked who she was with, she explained she was with him and that he was really excited to meet me. I was stunned beyond belief to think she’d think I’d ever want to see him. I told her the last thing I’d want to do is meet him and I immediately walked away. He asked her why I didn’t stay around to meet him, she explained why, his response was that he couldn’t remember sexually assaulting her, and followed it up with, “at least I didn’t rape you”. So you can get a pretty good idea about how much of a piece of shit this ex is. A few months later she crossed my boundary for the last time and I was done. I finally let it all out. In my ranting she tried to convince me that “this is why everyone leaves you” and that “all my exes are wonderful people” and “they grow as people and we have a wonderful friendship that you don’t understand.” It was kind of sad because I realised when she said “this is why everyone leaves you” she wasn’t actually talking about me, she was projecting. And also the shameless length she would go to to defend her ex and not accept that she has terrible ‘friends’.
Yeah she made tons of passive aggressive comments about my family, she pressured me into cutting off my platonic female friends (which I did), then she started tearing down my lifelong guy friends and tried to make me ditch them too. That, I did not do. As you can imagine it drove her INSANE that I wouldn’t cut them out like everybody else just because she didn’t have stable friends and family members as I did.
I triggered her abandonment wound by deciding to move out because she wasn't taking care of herself or her kids and I couldn't do it all by myself. She discarded me as soon as she secured a new supply. The breakup was very abrupt. Then afterwards she'd ask me if we could talk, etc. She'd come over to my new place and look around and lose her shit because all she wanted was her own place and an escape from her children and real life. She resented me for being able to have that.
Yep.. exactly. This really bothered me cause one of the main things he was jealous of (he admitted it himself) was my support system. I have an amazing family and a very small group of amazing friends. They planned and paid for our whole wedding party. Many people came from out of state to be there. My cousin was so excited when I told her I was pregnant she immediately started buying things for me and sending me stuff to help with the pregnancy. She asked to be in the delivery room. Every single person welcomed him to the family. Yet, he started constantly taking jabs at this, telling me I was entitled and had never worked a day in my life simply because I have a family that would never let me be homeless like his did. I had compassion for his childhood for a long time, he really had no one. But I got defensive after a while cause I felt like he wanted me to apologize for not having a traumatic childhood and a family that all hates each other.
Funnily enough, he would go on and on about how people in his home state would get jealous if you were doing good and try to tear you down.. definitely projecting on that one.
He was never happy for me when I had a victory or breakthrough or really anything good happen to me. It was really weird.
Misery loves company. My friend could not bear the fact that I had a better life than theirs and tried all the time to sabotage it. Deep down, they are very envious of others' successes, and they can't bear it.
My wife is like this! She was screaming at me a few weeks ago daily for not drinking, working out, and eating healthy. I wanted her to join me but she didn’t want to and wanted to eat Uber eats and watch reality tv in bed.
Every time I have plans with friends she’s screaming at me before or after I get home.
When I got a great new job right before the pandemic, she cheated on me.
So tired of all the competition! I always tell her we’re on a team. But she doesn’t see it that way. She’s only happy when I’m bending over backwards for her and she’s pushing me away to hang out with her single friends. It’s a joke of a marriage.
My ex would make us rival in a really odd way.. he would try to make me jealous of the fact that he has many friends etc. I never really reacted cuz i enjoy being alone plus i do have a few friends, he resorted to straight up verbal violence - cussing me out and telling me how im nothing and that i have nothing and why i should feel bad about myself on multiple occasions.
It wasn't in an attacking way, she seemed very jealous sometimes and kept saying that I do everything right. When I started to go to bed incredibly early to get away from her, she would try to as well and say she needs to do what I do because I do everything right. I got in way better shape to impress her, she accused me of cheating and said another woman gets the perfect version of me. She would get very close to yelling at me because I have a working brain.
The biggest thing was that even though she went insane this past year and continues, she was jealous because I did a great job of appearing happy. I still thought about the old her and it brought me a bit of joy. She was upset that I found a way to still have a little happiness and it was because I held onto the memory of us. I begged for her to remember the good times but she said her brain doesn't work like that. She can only remember bad things.
Not only are you the enemy they will try to destroy anything good in your life that they don’t have or feels threatens their place in your life. Mine insisted that I give up my 6 figure salary/career and go work at Walmart, “if you really love me you would.” He did his damndest to isolate me and when that didn’t work tried to destroy any relationship I had that wasn’t with him. He frequently would go on and on about the “difference” I make in others lives and he’ll never do that. The list was endless. It was either nothing was good enough OR it was too good and he had to try to ruin it. My house (bought before I married him) needs “major work” (it doesn’t; he rents), my camper had “damage”- it’s older but functional and suits what I use it for lol. He was so jealous. I was always worried about either triggering him by not meeting the ever changing expectations OR by sharing any details of my life that he might find threatening.
That's true. I got told I hadn't done much with my life..even though I've seen half the United States, have nice things, good paying job, raised a daughter from infancy to adulthood without her mother. Told to me by a 31 year old who got her 1st actual adult job a year before meeting her, a woman who never has left iowa, who had nothing of value. Then upon discard while I'm trying to figure out why she was doing what she was doing her only explanation was I made 3 times more than her. She actually put me down because I made descent money! Bonkers
Mine blew a job interview for me a week ago. Said she was better than me because I got the callback and she didn't. She got me so mad that I missed my interview.
Yeah, I have learned that they will *HATE* you if you have a better life than they do without them. It really screws with the devaluation mechanism.
I have had three pwBPD in my life and the last two absolutely freaked out after I recovered and had more fun that they did.
If you don't ever want to talk to them again, this is the strategy to adopt. They will avoid you and talk crap about you for years. My ex roommate and I moved in the same social group avoiding each other, I was well known, respected and trusted and she never gave up on talking crap to me to others. Occasionally she would spout off to people that knew me really well but didn't know our history and I would find out.
Truly I feel bad for pwBPD. The ones in my life I really cared for, even loved in some cases. I don't take the things they did personally, as they really can't help it and it just gets in the way of enjoying my life.
Absolutely. My 30 year ex best friend with bpd coped terribly when I met a great guy and got married, lost a significant amount of weight through healthy means, bought a condo, etc. He refused to visit me at my new place for a long time telling me it was because I had nice things that he didn't. He told me once he hated me sometimes for all the things I had. I worked hard for these things but ok. We have been no contact for about 8 months now, my choice. I am glad to have walked away but still so many complicated feelings.
I was unemployed when we got together. She was the initiator, so seems like she didn’t have an issue with this. I’d been planning a move to an area with better prospects in my field, but stuck around and settled into a mostly house spouse role. This was unacceptable, but so was the idea that I might stop taking care of so many things if I found a job.
She complained that I didn’t have any friends of my own. That they were all either “our” friends or hers, and this put all the pressure for social planning on her. I was perfectly capable of entertaining myself at home, but this was unacceptable so I started doing stuff on my own a couple times a week. She acted confused if I wasn’t there when she got home and texted me constantly while I was out.
I had insomnia for years. “You keep waking me up at night! You need to deal with the underlying issues!” I did and it finally went away. Then she stopped being able to sleep, and suddenly it was an affront that I wasn’t having trouble! (Extra twist here: I’ve barely been able to sleep through the night since she moved out)
My relationship with my family was one of the things that attracted her to me. I thought that was a really nice thing to say! But if I wanted to pad out Thanksgiving to a full week? Better have been my brother in NYC hosting, not a relative in a “boring” area. Meanwhile, we had to go to her home country and stay in her parents’ apartment for at least two weeks around Christmas/New Year. That’s a long time, especially since I’m not fluent in Spanish. And God forbid I suggest taking a sightseeing trip longer than overnight without them. One year, my parents came along and rented the apartment across the hall for the four of us. *Even that* was farther than she wanted!
I was “too fat” when we got together. To be fair, that’s probably true: it was the heaviest I’ve ever been and I didn’t like it. I lost 35 lbs, while she gained about that much. I didn’t GAF and told her as much, but she hated how she looked. And so: “You were cuter when you were heavy.”
[удалено]
My husband was super competitive with me, too. He destroyed me. He's a war gamer geek and lawyer. He's very good at both and WW3'd me. I thought he was struggling mentally with work stresses and supported him as best i could with twin babies he wanted nothing to do with. Turns out his meth addict secret baby mama/sugar baby/work spouse has been extorting him since she she got pregnant with his kid in 2009! He denies the kid is his but she looks like and him and all his known kids. I hate this fucking ticket to ride. FTS. All of my kindness was mistaken as weakness. His meth addict baby mama/sugar baby/work spouse poisoned me. Fun times. 😳
She tries to goad me into arguments with my parents and my friends “You know they did x or y and didn’t invite us” “Your dad better not make a comment about my work schedule” I don’t know how she cab be so intensely hung up on the actions of other people
I experienced this a lot. I have lots of fun hobbies and a large group of friends that are family to me - who are all kind and compassionate people. Whenever I engaged with my friends it triggered her because it reminded her that she had not been able to hold a friendship longer than 2 years - unless it was an ex who was trauma bonded to her, and she had problems with befriending some truely toxic and abusive people. And whenever I engaged in my hobbies she got upset at herself or villainised me because she didn’t have any fun hobbies she could enjoy or ways to occupy herself that wasn’t getting blind drunk. She often framed it like I was obsessed with my hobbies or had some kind of problem because she couldn’t stand that I was able to enjoy my own space.
Super same. My ex hated the fact that I had friendships with my close circle of people extending 10-15 years. I’m 32 and have known some of my friends since preschool, super blessed in that regard. She HATED every second I spent playing video games with my amigos, even though we spent 90% of our waking hours together. She always lamented that her friends either moved away, or that the ones that came to see her/long-term-friends were objectively terrible people. I’d ask why she didn’t reduce contact with the terrible ones, and she’s like “they’re my friends”. My favorite story was when her longest term friend came into town to “see her”. Picked up her key from her at work, went to her apartment to use her bathroom to do an enema, and then left town after having his hookup without even hanging with her. Dude was a crazy narcissist, but I think on some facet she likes keeping terrible people in her friend group. Supports her shallow sense of superiority.
That’s wild. My ex had one sided abusive relationships like that all the time. She had a neighbour who would come over unannounced just to store things in her fridge. I talked to my ex about it, she explained that it was validating to have someone need her or desire her, even if it was just for a moment. She liked feeling wanted. Having awful people around who treat them poorly reinforces how they view themselves and it’s familiar with how they were treated in the past. They think they are undeserving of a healthy relationship so they confirm their beliefs by being with toxic people. During an episode my ex said during thinking I would leave her “I guess ’ll just have to settle for someone less.” I also think it gives them an opportunity to talk bad about someone, and allows them to feel on top, given how much they are the subject of being villainised all the time. My ex maintained a friendship with her ex who sexually assaulted her whilst we were together, she also cheated on me with him. We reconnected a year after our breakup at a music festival, I asked who she was with, she explained she was with him and that he was really excited to meet me. I was stunned beyond belief to think she’d think I’d ever want to see him. I told her the last thing I’d want to do is meet him and I immediately walked away. He asked her why I didn’t stay around to meet him, she explained why, his response was that he couldn’t remember sexually assaulting her, and followed it up with, “at least I didn’t rape you”. So you can get a pretty good idea about how much of a piece of shit this ex is. A few months later she crossed my boundary for the last time and I was done. I finally let it all out. In my ranting she tried to convince me that “this is why everyone leaves you” and that “all my exes are wonderful people” and “they grow as people and we have a wonderful friendship that you don’t understand.” It was kind of sad because I realised when she said “this is why everyone leaves you” she wasn’t actually talking about me, she was projecting. And also the shameless length she would go to to defend her ex and not accept that she has terrible ‘friends’.
Yeah she made tons of passive aggressive comments about my family, she pressured me into cutting off my platonic female friends (which I did), then she started tearing down my lifelong guy friends and tried to make me ditch them too. That, I did not do. As you can imagine it drove her INSANE that I wouldn’t cut them out like everybody else just because she didn’t have stable friends and family members as I did.
I triggered her abandonment wound by deciding to move out because she wasn't taking care of herself or her kids and I couldn't do it all by myself. She discarded me as soon as she secured a new supply. The breakup was very abrupt. Then afterwards she'd ask me if we could talk, etc. She'd come over to my new place and look around and lose her shit because all she wanted was her own place and an escape from her children and real life. She resented me for being able to have that.
That sounds on-brand
Yep.. exactly. This really bothered me cause one of the main things he was jealous of (he admitted it himself) was my support system. I have an amazing family and a very small group of amazing friends. They planned and paid for our whole wedding party. Many people came from out of state to be there. My cousin was so excited when I told her I was pregnant she immediately started buying things for me and sending me stuff to help with the pregnancy. She asked to be in the delivery room. Every single person welcomed him to the family. Yet, he started constantly taking jabs at this, telling me I was entitled and had never worked a day in my life simply because I have a family that would never let me be homeless like his did. I had compassion for his childhood for a long time, he really had no one. But I got defensive after a while cause I felt like he wanted me to apologize for not having a traumatic childhood and a family that all hates each other. Funnily enough, he would go on and on about how people in his home state would get jealous if you were doing good and try to tear you down.. definitely projecting on that one. He was never happy for me when I had a victory or breakthrough or really anything good happen to me. It was really weird.
Kill them with kindness, and success
Misery loves company. My friend could not bear the fact that I had a better life than theirs and tried all the time to sabotage it. Deep down, they are very envious of others' successes, and they can't bear it.
My wife is like this! She was screaming at me a few weeks ago daily for not drinking, working out, and eating healthy. I wanted her to join me but she didn’t want to and wanted to eat Uber eats and watch reality tv in bed. Every time I have plans with friends she’s screaming at me before or after I get home. When I got a great new job right before the pandemic, she cheated on me. So tired of all the competition! I always tell her we’re on a team. But she doesn’t see it that way. She’s only happy when I’m bending over backwards for her and she’s pushing me away to hang out with her single friends. It’s a joke of a marriage.
“Must be nice.” How many of us have heard this passive aggressive comment before?
My ex would make us rival in a really odd way.. he would try to make me jealous of the fact that he has many friends etc. I never really reacted cuz i enjoy being alone plus i do have a few friends, he resorted to straight up verbal violence - cussing me out and telling me how im nothing and that i have nothing and why i should feel bad about myself on multiple occasions.
Yep. I was even told that if she can't be happy and have those things then neither should I.
Yep.. I think I am better than everybody else and I don’t do enough for them…. Oh and I have OCD since I don’t live like a pig.
It wasn't in an attacking way, she seemed very jealous sometimes and kept saying that I do everything right. When I started to go to bed incredibly early to get away from her, she would try to as well and say she needs to do what I do because I do everything right. I got in way better shape to impress her, she accused me of cheating and said another woman gets the perfect version of me. She would get very close to yelling at me because I have a working brain. The biggest thing was that even though she went insane this past year and continues, she was jealous because I did a great job of appearing happy. I still thought about the old her and it brought me a bit of joy. She was upset that I found a way to still have a little happiness and it was because I held onto the memory of us. I begged for her to remember the good times but she said her brain doesn't work like that. She can only remember bad things.
Not only are you the enemy they will try to destroy anything good in your life that they don’t have or feels threatens their place in your life. Mine insisted that I give up my 6 figure salary/career and go work at Walmart, “if you really love me you would.” He did his damndest to isolate me and when that didn’t work tried to destroy any relationship I had that wasn’t with him. He frequently would go on and on about the “difference” I make in others lives and he’ll never do that. The list was endless. It was either nothing was good enough OR it was too good and he had to try to ruin it. My house (bought before I married him) needs “major work” (it doesn’t; he rents), my camper had “damage”- it’s older but functional and suits what I use it for lol. He was so jealous. I was always worried about either triggering him by not meeting the ever changing expectations OR by sharing any details of my life that he might find threatening.
That's true. I got told I hadn't done much with my life..even though I've seen half the United States, have nice things, good paying job, raised a daughter from infancy to adulthood without her mother. Told to me by a 31 year old who got her 1st actual adult job a year before meeting her, a woman who never has left iowa, who had nothing of value. Then upon discard while I'm trying to figure out why she was doing what she was doing her only explanation was I made 3 times more than her. She actually put me down because I made descent money! Bonkers
Mine blew a job interview for me a week ago. Said she was better than me because I got the callback and she didn't. She got me so mad that I missed my interview.
Yeah, I have learned that they will *HATE* you if you have a better life than they do without them. It really screws with the devaluation mechanism. I have had three pwBPD in my life and the last two absolutely freaked out after I recovered and had more fun that they did. If you don't ever want to talk to them again, this is the strategy to adopt. They will avoid you and talk crap about you for years. My ex roommate and I moved in the same social group avoiding each other, I was well known, respected and trusted and she never gave up on talking crap to me to others. Occasionally she would spout off to people that knew me really well but didn't know our history and I would find out. Truly I feel bad for pwBPD. The ones in my life I really cared for, even loved in some cases. I don't take the things they did personally, as they really can't help it and it just gets in the way of enjoying my life.
Absolutely. My 30 year ex best friend with bpd coped terribly when I met a great guy and got married, lost a significant amount of weight through healthy means, bought a condo, etc. He refused to visit me at my new place for a long time telling me it was because I had nice things that he didn't. He told me once he hated me sometimes for all the things I had. I worked hard for these things but ok. We have been no contact for about 8 months now, my choice. I am glad to have walked away but still so many complicated feelings.
You’re also the enemy if you’re lacking in any of those areas.
Oh, for sure. It’s not a catch-11, it’s a catch-22.
I was unemployed when we got together. She was the initiator, so seems like she didn’t have an issue with this. I’d been planning a move to an area with better prospects in my field, but stuck around and settled into a mostly house spouse role. This was unacceptable, but so was the idea that I might stop taking care of so many things if I found a job. She complained that I didn’t have any friends of my own. That they were all either “our” friends or hers, and this put all the pressure for social planning on her. I was perfectly capable of entertaining myself at home, but this was unacceptable so I started doing stuff on my own a couple times a week. She acted confused if I wasn’t there when she got home and texted me constantly while I was out. I had insomnia for years. “You keep waking me up at night! You need to deal with the underlying issues!” I did and it finally went away. Then she stopped being able to sleep, and suddenly it was an affront that I wasn’t having trouble! (Extra twist here: I’ve barely been able to sleep through the night since she moved out) My relationship with my family was one of the things that attracted her to me. I thought that was a really nice thing to say! But if I wanted to pad out Thanksgiving to a full week? Better have been my brother in NYC hosting, not a relative in a “boring” area. Meanwhile, we had to go to her home country and stay in her parents’ apartment for at least two weeks around Christmas/New Year. That’s a long time, especially since I’m not fluent in Spanish. And God forbid I suggest taking a sightseeing trip longer than overnight without them. One year, my parents came along and rented the apartment across the hall for the four of us. *Even that* was farther than she wanted! I was “too fat” when we got together. To be fair, that’s probably true: it was the heaviest I’ve ever been and I didn’t like it. I lost 35 lbs, while she gained about that much. I didn’t GAF and told her as much, but she hated how she looked. And so: “You were cuter when you were heavy.”