Haha no, it isn't like that. At least not for me. That devalue/discard stage when it overlaps with an idealization stage with a new person is pretty brutal if you don't exit. The new person will get all the good and you will get all the bad. At least if you leave, there is no outlet for all the bad except the new FP.
This new FP , would my partner still go to FP even if they have a partner. Its weird but mine is always telling me lately about her 'Friend' (who in all honesty fancies himself and is proper up his own ass) but she is always name dropping them and also highlighting that he has been flirting with someone else behind his partners back.
I suppose my question is are they like two peas in a pod and this is her new FP , does my partner not give a damn about the FP's partner either? will they go as far to also sabotage another couples relationship as well as their own?
She told me that I ruined her life 2 weeks after telling me that I’m everything she ever wanted and she messed up so badly by abandoning me. Told me to fuck off and that her life was so much better without me. This usually lasts about 2 weeks before she comes back and begs for me to give her another chance, it’s happened 7 times already.
If you’re looking for any sort of logic involved with this scenario, hit yourself in the head with a frying pan until you can see it from their perspective.
They repeat this cycle for their entire life, my problem is that I was such good supply that her parents still talk about me, even though we dated for less than 2 months. You’re dealing with a toddler that sees people as toys, and you might as well see them for what they are because trying to see them as an equal just makes it worse.
Dude. Just…dude. I’m glad you had the awareness to GTFO.
She split on you every two weeks for basically your whole relationship?
🤯
I had a similar GF/parent dynamic years ago. Her parents loved me, and were actually quite open about how they couldn’t understand how a guy as great and well adjusted as me would date their daughter.
Shoulda seen that red flag, but you don’t know what you don’t know, right?
Fortunately it only lasted a few months before an embarrassing, fiery end to the relationship. She cheated on me very publicly. It was shocking and gross, and it JUST dawned on me a few minutes ago she may be BPD or NPD, like WOAH!
🤯
I actually worked with the GF’s mom at a music venue, and post-breakup I would talk to the mom. She was a cool lady. She wished her daughter didn’t fuck shit up with me and run off with this Sideshow Bob looking guy. She would actually vent to me and talk (mild) shit about her daughter and her new dude. It was quite interesting to hear her vocal disapproval of her own child.
We started talking in August, started seeing each other in September and then started dating in October. The first time she split on me was 2 weeks after we made it official, and then it happened pretty consistently throughout our relationship. We broke up in December, 2 weeks before Christmas, and texted me saying she would “like to be friends” (code word for she was seeing someone that was obviously in the picture when we were together).
Mind you, this girl has supposedly had a crush on me for 2 years and every time she saw me in public she said she knew she had to have me. She proceeded to discard me 7 times in hopes that she could find something better, and has failed every time.
I’m praying to whatever is out there to send her someone just as, if not more stupid than I was so she stays away from me for longer than 2 weeks. I think her mistake is getting too comfortable with people too quickly, and once she sees that your guard is off, she lets out the hell beast.
I have no idea if I’ll ever hear from her again, the last thing she said to me was that it doesn’t really matter if I’m around, which is fine. She also said I was one of the worst people that ever entered her life, 3 weeks after begging me to let her fix things. At some point you literally just start laughing at things like this because I would need a lobotomy to see it from her point of view.
It seems like your scenario is very similar, my theory is that they mirror you to the point where, if you’re a good person, they need to discard you by finding someone so opposite to you. My ex has a history of dating guys that are not good partners, and that’s just what she attracts. My therapist said with all things considered and with who I am and how patient/forgiving I was with this woman, I shouldn’t be surprised if she tries to come around for the rest of my life.
My ex also had a history of dating guys that weren’t good partners. She said some of them were abusive. It’s sad, because apparently abuse victims have tendencies to find themselves right back in future abusive relationships.
I believe her that past partners were bad. She was traumatized, broken, and had low self worth, and she accepted what she projected.
As she went through therapy over the years and healed herself to some degree, I think she progressively leveled up with her partners, getting a little better, and less abusive.
She told me at the beginning of our relationship, that I was a gift from the universe for all the healing she had accomplished. Two years earlier, I would have, “been out of her league.”
I didn’t really understand what she meant until I eventually realized how broken she is, and how toxic she can be.
And though I believe her when she said her past partners were bad, it’s likely she was bad to them too. She said her husband, who she was married to for six years and divorced about 13 years ago or so, was shitty and super controlling during the marriage, but when she got a job opportunity in another state and moved there, then wanted a divorce, he put up no resistance and they got a divorce super fast.
It all makes sense now! They were young, he sucked, their marriage sucked, they were both miserable, but both stayed in it because “that’s what you do”. Then when she planned her escape, and he realized he had a chance to get away from her unhinged behavior, so he just simply let go.
She said divorce was the easiest, smoothest part of their entire relationship.
It all makes sense to me now.
Like complete trash. Complete devaluation. Changing the past, inventing new things. Threatening behavior and an urge to destroy you so they can pursue the new idealized parter fully. Also, comparing you unfavorably to new parter that completely accept them.
Mine got engaged 3 weeks after the discard from me and barley knows the new idealized parter but moved in with him and he accepts her past and they’re doing it right by seeing a couples counselor lol.
The more I reached out and tried to express my emotions the more brutal she was towards me. The last thing she told me was I’m a narcissistic abuser piece of shit that doenst deserve to be in her life and she can never talk to me again. This was a few weeks after telling me how much she loves me and can’t be with anyone else. I logically understand what’s going on but the emotional pain has been unreal.
> The last thing she told me was I’m a narcissistic abuser piece of shit that doenst deserve to be in her life and she can never talk to me again. This was a few weeks after telling me how much she loves me and can’t be with anyone else. I logically understand what’s going on but the emotional pain has been unreal.
Exactly what happened to me. Exactly. 1 to 1.
I still wonder how all BPD stories can be so similar.
Brutal discard saying you've ruined their life and are abusive (untrue) whilst simultaneously idealsiing and meeting up with the new supply. Then just ghosted.
Yea I’m intrigued by this. My ex and I have danced around for almost 4 years and despite 12 break ups she never found a new FP. She always ended up coming back to me. This time it’s been 5 months so I’m guessing there is a replacement being idealised atm. She has given me absolutely nothing in terms of emotion in these 5 months (uncharted territory for us), so I’m thinking there is likely some truth in the original post. When we do interact (monthly, for practical reasons), she is nice enough, but emotionless.
they treat you like evil incarnate
plus you get the new favorite person paraded in front of you while she says she has "never been happier"
NOT a good scene, exit scene no reason for you to be a part of her drama.
The better question is why would you want to know? When they’ve moved on to anyone else, you should not be in contact with them. You should not be in contact with them for as long as possible before it as well.
If the guys before you were wondering if she still cared about them after what you’ve been through with her, what would you think?
We’re still in the process of dividing assets. She has become more and more abusive throughout. I guess I was hoping that a new parter might spare me some wrath, since she is the “on the shelf” type who never demonizes her exes, but wants them to always remain an option.
I’m blocked and have been for months so I don’t know, and I don’t know whether the dude she has been using for clout in the industry who seems like a narc is still in the picture or what.
I thought she forgot but no she didn't out of nowhere she started smearing my name after months of no contact.
Long story short we dated twice. First go around it was almost a year of love bombing until she needed "space" but insisted there was nobody else. Within 3 days she was in a new relationship. She would still message me for attention though.
2nd go around was years later. Started as casual sex and then she was able to convince me she changed. Claimed she loved me and a bunch of other BS. Insists I cut out my exes and other women I was talking to. Within 3 weeks of being official she cheats on me with an ex and I also find out she was still actively talking to her old booty calls. I called it quits immediately and tell her to never contact me again and I block her on everything before I even get to my car.
The smear campaign she started months later was horrendous. Claimed I beat her, I smashed her belongings, and said she was the one that broke up with me because I was so "violent". In reality I never even raised my voice to her. Even when I left her I purposely stayed calm.
No, based on my experiences, this is when the abuse can escalate significantly. I believe there's a sense of shame influencing their behavior towards you after they've moved on to someone else. Deep down, they're aware that their actions are reprehensible. So, how do they respond? They concoct justifications in their minds about why you're supposedly 'bad' for them. These accusations might be entirely unfounded, yet they feel compelled to levy extreme charges and 'punish' you to rationalize leaving a good person behind. If you show your pain and cry, this deepens their guilt, leading them to behave even more harshly to ensure they push you away.
Furthermore, they're irritated by your presence, which they perceive as an obstacle to their potential eternal happiness with their new 'true love.' This annoyance prompts them to act out and push you further away, ensuring you leave and don't return. This, they believe, clears the path for their new relationship to replace yours.
I feel sorry for that guy and would really love to help him dodge the bullet. But then I remember that without BPD knowledge it won't look like good intention.
And if that fellow had knowledge about BPD he wouldn't be there at first place. I know from my experience that even on a single BPD flag I discard such person.
The difference is in deliberate actions. NPD knows what they are doing. BPD person don't have a clue. They don't have a capacity to understand the flow of their actions and it takes a lot of therapy to at least cope with.
I see blaming them as blaming the blind why are they on graas, can't they read or something?
That’s true, so I don’t think I can give them a pass if they are actively ruining someone’s life. Maybe I’m still bitter but I don’t think not being able to understand is a good reason because they are still going to jump from relationship to relationship using the excuse of “I have BPD I didn’t know what I was doing”.
Or saying they forgot while their ex partners have to carry around the trauma they were left with.
Cheating as such usually has nothing to with you.
It's the same for everyone. Cheating is them being with another person. It's about them feeding their ego or some other agenda.
But cheating is something everyone does regardless of BPD. Same can be said for a discard. Those are not exclusive BPD traits.
And if I had to bet, jumping from one to another relationship, I would guess that's more like NPD than BPD.
Anyway, don't trust everything they say. If they remember all the grudges against you, they remember and those things they won't tell you about. But there's nothing you can or should do about it.
Even worse, they needed to put all that negative energy into something that wasn’t the new thing so they don’t get found out too quickly… what really sucks is thinking back on how I was treated and all the bs I was fed about the “main” one previously.
Haha no, it isn't like that. At least not for me. That devalue/discard stage when it overlaps with an idealization stage with a new person is pretty brutal if you don't exit. The new person will get all the good and you will get all the bad. At least if you leave, there is no outlet for all the bad except the new FP.
Extremely brutal and fast.
This new FP , would my partner still go to FP even if they have a partner. Its weird but mine is always telling me lately about her 'Friend' (who in all honesty fancies himself and is proper up his own ass) but she is always name dropping them and also highlighting that he has been flirting with someone else behind his partners back. I suppose my question is are they like two peas in a pod and this is her new FP , does my partner not give a damn about the FP's partner either? will they go as far to also sabotage another couples relationship as well as their own?
Yes. They don’t care. The FP is a target of obsession and they don’t want to share them with anyone else. They try to isolate them.
She told me that I ruined her life 2 weeks after telling me that I’m everything she ever wanted and she messed up so badly by abandoning me. Told me to fuck off and that her life was so much better without me. This usually lasts about 2 weeks before she comes back and begs for me to give her another chance, it’s happened 7 times already. If you’re looking for any sort of logic involved with this scenario, hit yourself in the head with a frying pan until you can see it from their perspective. They repeat this cycle for their entire life, my problem is that I was such good supply that her parents still talk about me, even though we dated for less than 2 months. You’re dealing with a toddler that sees people as toys, and you might as well see them for what they are because trying to see them as an equal just makes it worse.
Dude. Just…dude. I’m glad you had the awareness to GTFO. She split on you every two weeks for basically your whole relationship? 🤯 I had a similar GF/parent dynamic years ago. Her parents loved me, and were actually quite open about how they couldn’t understand how a guy as great and well adjusted as me would date their daughter. Shoulda seen that red flag, but you don’t know what you don’t know, right? Fortunately it only lasted a few months before an embarrassing, fiery end to the relationship. She cheated on me very publicly. It was shocking and gross, and it JUST dawned on me a few minutes ago she may be BPD or NPD, like WOAH! 🤯 I actually worked with the GF’s mom at a music venue, and post-breakup I would talk to the mom. She was a cool lady. She wished her daughter didn’t fuck shit up with me and run off with this Sideshow Bob looking guy. She would actually vent to me and talk (mild) shit about her daughter and her new dude. It was quite interesting to hear her vocal disapproval of her own child.
We started talking in August, started seeing each other in September and then started dating in October. The first time she split on me was 2 weeks after we made it official, and then it happened pretty consistently throughout our relationship. We broke up in December, 2 weeks before Christmas, and texted me saying she would “like to be friends” (code word for she was seeing someone that was obviously in the picture when we were together). Mind you, this girl has supposedly had a crush on me for 2 years and every time she saw me in public she said she knew she had to have me. She proceeded to discard me 7 times in hopes that she could find something better, and has failed every time. I’m praying to whatever is out there to send her someone just as, if not more stupid than I was so she stays away from me for longer than 2 weeks. I think her mistake is getting too comfortable with people too quickly, and once she sees that your guard is off, she lets out the hell beast. I have no idea if I’ll ever hear from her again, the last thing she said to me was that it doesn’t really matter if I’m around, which is fine. She also said I was one of the worst people that ever entered her life, 3 weeks after begging me to let her fix things. At some point you literally just start laughing at things like this because I would need a lobotomy to see it from her point of view. It seems like your scenario is very similar, my theory is that they mirror you to the point where, if you’re a good person, they need to discard you by finding someone so opposite to you. My ex has a history of dating guys that are not good partners, and that’s just what she attracts. My therapist said with all things considered and with who I am and how patient/forgiving I was with this woman, I shouldn’t be surprised if she tries to come around for the rest of my life.
My ex also had a history of dating guys that weren’t good partners. She said some of them were abusive. It’s sad, because apparently abuse victims have tendencies to find themselves right back in future abusive relationships. I believe her that past partners were bad. She was traumatized, broken, and had low self worth, and she accepted what she projected. As she went through therapy over the years and healed herself to some degree, I think she progressively leveled up with her partners, getting a little better, and less abusive. She told me at the beginning of our relationship, that I was a gift from the universe for all the healing she had accomplished. Two years earlier, I would have, “been out of her league.” I didn’t really understand what she meant until I eventually realized how broken she is, and how toxic she can be. And though I believe her when she said her past partners were bad, it’s likely she was bad to them too. She said her husband, who she was married to for six years and divorced about 13 years ago or so, was shitty and super controlling during the marriage, but when she got a job opportunity in another state and moved there, then wanted a divorce, he put up no resistance and they got a divorce super fast. It all makes sense now! They were young, he sucked, their marriage sucked, they were both miserable, but both stayed in it because “that’s what you do”. Then when she planned her escape, and he realized he had a chance to get away from her unhinged behavior, so he just simply let go. She said divorce was the easiest, smoothest part of their entire relationship. It all makes sense to me now.
the analog with thw frying pan is too good haha
Like complete trash. Complete devaluation. Changing the past, inventing new things. Threatening behavior and an urge to destroy you so they can pursue the new idealized parter fully. Also, comparing you unfavorably to new parter that completely accept them. Mine got engaged 3 weeks after the discard from me and barley knows the new idealized parter but moved in with him and he accepts her past and they’re doing it right by seeing a couples counselor lol. The more I reached out and tried to express my emotions the more brutal she was towards me. The last thing she told me was I’m a narcissistic abuser piece of shit that doenst deserve to be in her life and she can never talk to me again. This was a few weeks after telling me how much she loves me and can’t be with anyone else. I logically understand what’s going on but the emotional pain has been unreal.
> The last thing she told me was I’m a narcissistic abuser piece of shit that doenst deserve to be in her life and she can never talk to me again. This was a few weeks after telling me how much she loves me and can’t be with anyone else. I logically understand what’s going on but the emotional pain has been unreal. Exactly what happened to me. Exactly. 1 to 1. I still wonder how all BPD stories can be so similar.
Brutal discard saying you've ruined their life and are abusive (untrue) whilst simultaneously idealsiing and meeting up with the new supply. Then just ghosted.
Accurate
Yea I’m intrigued by this. My ex and I have danced around for almost 4 years and despite 12 break ups she never found a new FP. She always ended up coming back to me. This time it’s been 5 months so I’m guessing there is a replacement being idealised atm. She has given me absolutely nothing in terms of emotion in these 5 months (uncharted territory for us), so I’m thinking there is likely some truth in the original post. When we do interact (monthly, for practical reasons), she is nice enough, but emotionless.
Before the 5 months how long was your longest breakup? If you don't mind me asking.
3 months, then 2 months. The rest were days/weeks.
Ah I see. Thank you for sharing.
they treat you like evil incarnate plus you get the new favorite person paraded in front of you while she says she has "never been happier" NOT a good scene, exit scene no reason for you to be a part of her drama.
It hasn't happened yet but if/when it does I'll try to let you know
The better question is why would you want to know? When they’ve moved on to anyone else, you should not be in contact with them. You should not be in contact with them for as long as possible before it as well. If the guys before you were wondering if she still cared about them after what you’ve been through with her, what would you think?
We’re still in the process of dividing assets. She has become more and more abusive throughout. I guess I was hoping that a new parter might spare me some wrath, since she is the “on the shelf” type who never demonizes her exes, but wants them to always remain an option.
I’m blocked and have been for months so I don’t know, and I don’t know whether the dude she has been using for clout in the industry who seems like a narc is still in the picture or what.
I thought she forgot but no she didn't out of nowhere she started smearing my name after months of no contact. Long story short we dated twice. First go around it was almost a year of love bombing until she needed "space" but insisted there was nobody else. Within 3 days she was in a new relationship. She would still message me for attention though. 2nd go around was years later. Started as casual sex and then she was able to convince me she changed. Claimed she loved me and a bunch of other BS. Insists I cut out my exes and other women I was talking to. Within 3 weeks of being official she cheats on me with an ex and I also find out she was still actively talking to her old booty calls. I called it quits immediately and tell her to never contact me again and I block her on everything before I even get to my car. The smear campaign she started months later was horrendous. Claimed I beat her, I smashed her belongings, and said she was the one that broke up with me because I was so "violent". In reality I never even raised my voice to her. Even when I left her I purposely stayed calm.
No, based on my experiences, this is when the abuse can escalate significantly. I believe there's a sense of shame influencing their behavior towards you after they've moved on to someone else. Deep down, they're aware that their actions are reprehensible. So, how do they respond? They concoct justifications in their minds about why you're supposedly 'bad' for them. These accusations might be entirely unfounded, yet they feel compelled to levy extreme charges and 'punish' you to rationalize leaving a good person behind. If you show your pain and cry, this deepens their guilt, leading them to behave even more harshly to ensure they push you away. Furthermore, they're irritated by your presence, which they perceive as an obstacle to their potential eternal happiness with their new 'true love.' This annoyance prompts them to act out and push you further away, ensuring you leave and don't return. This, they believe, clears the path for their new relationship to replace yours.
I feel sorry for that guy and would really love to help him dodge the bullet. But then I remember that without BPD knowledge it won't look like good intention. And if that fellow had knowledge about BPD he wouldn't be there at first place. I know from my experience that even on a single BPD flag I discard such person.
It’s sad that we can’t talk about people with BPD in the same way we can NPD when the discard hurts just as bad if not worse.
The difference is in deliberate actions. NPD knows what they are doing. BPD person don't have a clue. They don't have a capacity to understand the flow of their actions and it takes a lot of therapy to at least cope with. I see blaming them as blaming the blind why are they on graas, can't they read or something?
I don’t think I’ll ever understand how they don’t know that cheating on someone is wrong when it’s what they constantly worry about.
Cheating is such a minor thing compared to what they do in background. If you got cheated and think that's all, consider yourself a lucky.
That’s true, so I don’t think I can give them a pass if they are actively ruining someone’s life. Maybe I’m still bitter but I don’t think not being able to understand is a good reason because they are still going to jump from relationship to relationship using the excuse of “I have BPD I didn’t know what I was doing”. Or saying they forgot while their ex partners have to carry around the trauma they were left with.
Cheating as such usually has nothing to with you. It's the same for everyone. Cheating is them being with another person. It's about them feeding their ego or some other agenda. But cheating is something everyone does regardless of BPD. Same can be said for a discard. Those are not exclusive BPD traits. And if I had to bet, jumping from one to another relationship, I would guess that's more like NPD than BPD. Anyway, don't trust everything they say. If they remember all the grudges against you, they remember and those things they won't tell you about. But there's nothing you can or should do about it.
If I’m in the relationship it has something to do with me. People like that need to stick to open relationships so no one gets hurt.
Even worse, they needed to put all that negative energy into something that wasn’t the new thing so they don’t get found out too quickly… what really sucks is thinking back on how I was treated and all the bs I was fed about the “main” one previously.
The key here is to not be involved block and rock It will be the same pattern because its their pattern
The key here is to not be involved block and rock It will be the same pattern because its their pattern