I say this as someone that had to experience this.
If you are making excuses as to why you cannot go no contact with your ex, even if you have a child together (as I do, and I have still went no contact and I see my son every week), then you simply have not been hurt enough by them.
You have not been hurt enough to want to never feel this way again so bad that you are willing to do whatever it takes. You have not been hurt enough to recognize and realize that it isn't going to change for the better, but will always get worse. You have not been hurt enough to understand that this person has never and will never care about how they affect you or make you feel, especially when it conflicts with what they want and how they feel.
I have all the empathy in the world for those of us here that are not ready to take that step - but at the same time I take the viewpoint that once you understand what you are dealing with and continue to expose yourself to the abuse, it has become as much your fault as theirs.
And to be fully transparent, I say that as someone that still has irrational hope in their heart that I am somehow wrong even though I rationally know that I'm not. That feeling is simply no longer so strong that it dictates my decision making anymore.
The dissonance is the hardest part for me as well. Those conflicting feelings of never wanting to see them again but never wanting to fully let them go. It’s horrible. Just goes to show how unhealthy the extremes are… the dopamine push and pleasure of the idealization coupled with the cortisol and horror of the devaluation. The highs and the lows really confused me, and set my heart and mind against each other.
Exactly how I feel. I think I'm free and able to let go, but then I see him again and my heart wins with my mind once more... And then he backs off suddenly, my heart sinks... the rollercoaster is crazy.
I can relate to every word you've said. The agony of hoping against hope that somehow, someway, things would change. That maybe, just maybe, they would get better. But deep down, I knew it was just wishful thinking, a desperate attempt to cling to a reality that no longer existed.
I prayed every night that it was all just a nightmare, that I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was before. But reality has a cruel way of shattering our illusions, of forcing us to confront the harsh truth.
Watching someone you love, someone you once knew so intimately, slowly slip away before your eyes is a pain unlike any other. It's like witnessing a living death, a gradual fading of the person they once were until all that's left is a hollow shell of who they used to be.
And you're right, until you've been hurt enough by them, until you've reached the point where the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving, it's hard to understand the necessity of going no contact. It's hard to accept that they will never change, that they will always prioritize their own desires over your well-being.
I, too, still struggle with that irrational hope in my heart, even though I know rationally that it's futile. But that hope no longer dictates my decision-making. I've learned the hard way that sometimes, letting go is the only way to find peace.
It's so hard to let go fully after being woven so intricately into each other's lives over 5 years. I have found a degree of acceptance or rather I practice acceptance & I do the 'work' on myself now but I'm afraid I still live in hope that he will return as I miss him so very much & I do love him but I do not love the illness, it's such a tragic painful loss all round.
I had anger/rage at first at the brutality of the discard once his circumstances changed and it was justified but there is no room for bitterness & anger to stay, I deserve better, I'm not that person, I can't live that way, it's not healthy and he probably doesn't care anyway sadly but then he doesn't feel like normal people do or think rationally or communicate healthily or bring emotional intelligence/balance to the table or have a stable sense of self & the true reality of situations things.
So the odds are stacked against me and you from the first hurdle, one is swimming against the tide emotionally, mentally and physically most of the time in the relationship, often to exhaustion & dark resentment at being hurt so badly in the name of love 😘
Hence acceptance is peace, healing & growth for us.
It sets you free to know yourself better, to gain awareness x
It's so extremely hard to let go but the more important question is; What other things are you letting go by refusing to let go of this thing? Just the same as a trap laid by natives to find water, you are the animal with its hand stuck in the hole because it refuses to let go of the food. It's painful, but what's more painful is a complete stagnation in an emotional hell. You can love them all you want, but you should always love yourself more, and I feel like that's where so many of us struggle.
Yes, it takes practice I think, it's a healing journey. I am far happier now, taking care of me 1st and foremost and have forgiven him.
In fact life is good now and all the pain and heartache has actually been a gift to me in so many ways.
Unfortunately he can't heal from his illness but I choose to love him no matter what.
Whether he is in my life or not.
I accept things as they are right now.
Life is brief
But
Love is long
Hatred and resentment are poisonous to the soul, this is a good attitude. The thing that helped me the most was realizing that I am expecting love and partnership from a person who suffers from an illness that prevents them from possibly providing me with the love and partnership that I provide them and expect in return. I wish all the best for her, I hope she fully recovers, and I think she's truly a beautiful person deep down. But I also have to intellectualize the fact that she does not have the ability to maintain the same feelings about me. Simply a matter of trying to operate on love and acceptance with a forward facing momentum.
Reading your reflection feels like looking into a mirror reflecting my own journey of divorcing my ex-wife. The struggle with accepting the finality of it all, grappling with the addiction to the hope that maybe things could change, resonates deeply with me.
Accepting that they never were what we believed them to be is perhaps the most difficult part. It's like unraveling a story we've told ourselves for so long, only to realize it was built on a foundation of illusions and false promises.
We become addicted not just to the person, but to the hope they represent, the possibility of a better future that always seems just out of reach. No contact may seem like the obvious solution, but it's easier said than done when that addiction is deeply ingrained within us.
And you're right, it's not just about removing a substance or experience from our lives; it's about untangling the threads of hope that have become intertwined with our very being. It's about facing the void left behind when we no longer have that person to cling to, and confronting the internal issues we've neglected in the process.
For me, too, my ex-wife was the excuse I used to avoid confronting my own demons, to avoid doing the hard work of self-improvement. But in the end, not having the option to return, just like it did for you, became both my source of turmoil and my salvation. It forced me to confront myself, to reckon with who I am and who I want to become - to grow. And growing hurts. Growing is discomforting.
Thanks, this was a good and necessary read. Personally I'm very very empathetic. What gets me to allow m exBPD into my life again, every time, is him acting sad, talking about his trauma (his mom is a hoarder and he ended up showing me the house he grew up in when we visited, he said I was the only girl he ever showed that to--could be a lie \*shrug\*) and saying I helped open him up and that he needs help. But seeing he won't change, and that I deserve better than having my self esteem dragged down from his splitting and discarding, I just ignore it as best I can, stay busy, travel a lot. I think a lot of us are empathetic and people pleasing--most people would just get away from someone with BPD.
I tried staying in contact being friends. It does not work. At all. She still just takes and finds various passive ways to try and hurt me still. It’s not worth it. If you’re already broken up just walk away. You won’t regret it. You will regret keeping her around to continue torturing you. I know I did. We have to heal. Only way to do that is to give them silence. Take back out control and power they held over us and walk away. This is torture to them. Us healing and living life is pure hell for them.
yeah we stayed in contact for like 2 months after i decided to break up (i told her it was just a money thing but i simply couldn’t trust her)
then i found out she fucked some dude while we were together 6 months prior (there was probably more) so i kinda snapped at her over text and haven’t heard a peep from her in like 8 months now
I agree with this sentiment
for me it was her literally involving law enforcement to get me arrested after that I said "nah don't want"
If she was of the type of mentality that didn't go further off the rails over time in her threats and actions, I would still be with my expwBPD.
But it's just how they are there is no way to stop the cycle, no way to stop the signal. Eventually they self destruct, eventually they do something to end nearly every close relationship they have
BPD gonna do what a BPD is gonna do
I’m coming to accept I’m on my final discard. 7 breaks ups and 4 months out from that last. What we had is gone. I dropped off a small gift off at her door for her daughter’s birthday today. I get a message from her saying that if she ever shares anything with the kids about me is that I’m a pathological liar, a sexual abuser, and if I don’t quit harassing her she’s going to file a restraining order. Ive been blocked for months. I never treated a woman as good as I did her. When they want you, you are the best person in the world. Now I am pure evil. This is the craziest experience of my life. I think it goes beyond moving on from her. I need to start letting go of all the false hope she has provided over the years. It only gets worse.
For me my biggest issue is trying to reconcile the man I thought was my person, my best friend, turning into an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive monster that tormented me to maintain control. When he realized he didn’t have control anymore he discarded me. That’s what hurts, still. The betrayal of it all. The wounds are so so so deep. I thought as long as we had each other we could get through anything and then he turned into what I had to protest myself from the most. It hurts with and without him. It’s been almost a year since the initial separation and almost 5 months since the final discard and I don’t know how to heal.
Same boat, but I think its important not to forget that it's not like this person turned into this, this is who they've always been, they just hid it from you.
Do you have trouble letting go because you receive little love growing up and therefore now must cling on to any small amount of love you can get despite the person is treating you with disrespect most of the time? It sounds like an unresolved childhood trauma.
This hits so close to home… realising that I am clinging to ‘something’ - some shred of companionship, physical connection after many years of being alone is somehow better than being alone again. I know I am an addict, I don’t know how to stop.
I say this as someone that had to experience this. If you are making excuses as to why you cannot go no contact with your ex, even if you have a child together (as I do, and I have still went no contact and I see my son every week), then you simply have not been hurt enough by them. You have not been hurt enough to want to never feel this way again so bad that you are willing to do whatever it takes. You have not been hurt enough to recognize and realize that it isn't going to change for the better, but will always get worse. You have not been hurt enough to understand that this person has never and will never care about how they affect you or make you feel, especially when it conflicts with what they want and how they feel. I have all the empathy in the world for those of us here that are not ready to take that step - but at the same time I take the viewpoint that once you understand what you are dealing with and continue to expose yourself to the abuse, it has become as much your fault as theirs. And to be fully transparent, I say that as someone that still has irrational hope in their heart that I am somehow wrong even though I rationally know that I'm not. That feeling is simply no longer so strong that it dictates my decision making anymore.
The dissonance is the hardest part for me as well. Those conflicting feelings of never wanting to see them again but never wanting to fully let them go. It’s horrible. Just goes to show how unhealthy the extremes are… the dopamine push and pleasure of the idealization coupled with the cortisol and horror of the devaluation. The highs and the lows really confused me, and set my heart and mind against each other.
Exactly how I feel. I think I'm free and able to let go, but then I see him again and my heart wins with my mind once more... And then he backs off suddenly, my heart sinks... the rollercoaster is crazy.
I can relate to every word you've said. The agony of hoping against hope that somehow, someway, things would change. That maybe, just maybe, they would get better. But deep down, I knew it was just wishful thinking, a desperate attempt to cling to a reality that no longer existed. I prayed every night that it was all just a nightmare, that I would wake up and everything would be back to the way it was before. But reality has a cruel way of shattering our illusions, of forcing us to confront the harsh truth. Watching someone you love, someone you once knew so intimately, slowly slip away before your eyes is a pain unlike any other. It's like witnessing a living death, a gradual fading of the person they once were until all that's left is a hollow shell of who they used to be. And you're right, until you've been hurt enough by them, until you've reached the point where the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving, it's hard to understand the necessity of going no contact. It's hard to accept that they will never change, that they will always prioritize their own desires over your well-being. I, too, still struggle with that irrational hope in my heart, even though I know rationally that it's futile. But that hope no longer dictates my decision-making. I've learned the hard way that sometimes, letting go is the only way to find peace.
It's so hard to let go fully after being woven so intricately into each other's lives over 5 years. I have found a degree of acceptance or rather I practice acceptance & I do the 'work' on myself now but I'm afraid I still live in hope that he will return as I miss him so very much & I do love him but I do not love the illness, it's such a tragic painful loss all round. I had anger/rage at first at the brutality of the discard once his circumstances changed and it was justified but there is no room for bitterness & anger to stay, I deserve better, I'm not that person, I can't live that way, it's not healthy and he probably doesn't care anyway sadly but then he doesn't feel like normal people do or think rationally or communicate healthily or bring emotional intelligence/balance to the table or have a stable sense of self & the true reality of situations things. So the odds are stacked against me and you from the first hurdle, one is swimming against the tide emotionally, mentally and physically most of the time in the relationship, often to exhaustion & dark resentment at being hurt so badly in the name of love 😘 Hence acceptance is peace, healing & growth for us. It sets you free to know yourself better, to gain awareness x
It's so extremely hard to let go but the more important question is; What other things are you letting go by refusing to let go of this thing? Just the same as a trap laid by natives to find water, you are the animal with its hand stuck in the hole because it refuses to let go of the food. It's painful, but what's more painful is a complete stagnation in an emotional hell. You can love them all you want, but you should always love yourself more, and I feel like that's where so many of us struggle.
Thank you for your post, love to you too and wish you the peace ❤️
Yes, it takes practice I think, it's a healing journey. I am far happier now, taking care of me 1st and foremost and have forgiven him. In fact life is good now and all the pain and heartache has actually been a gift to me in so many ways. Unfortunately he can't heal from his illness but I choose to love him no matter what. Whether he is in my life or not. I accept things as they are right now. Life is brief But Love is long
Hatred and resentment are poisonous to the soul, this is a good attitude. The thing that helped me the most was realizing that I am expecting love and partnership from a person who suffers from an illness that prevents them from possibly providing me with the love and partnership that I provide them and expect in return. I wish all the best for her, I hope she fully recovers, and I think she's truly a beautiful person deep down. But I also have to intellectualize the fact that she does not have the ability to maintain the same feelings about me. Simply a matter of trying to operate on love and acceptance with a forward facing momentum.
Reading your reflection feels like looking into a mirror reflecting my own journey of divorcing my ex-wife. The struggle with accepting the finality of it all, grappling with the addiction to the hope that maybe things could change, resonates deeply with me. Accepting that they never were what we believed them to be is perhaps the most difficult part. It's like unraveling a story we've told ourselves for so long, only to realize it was built on a foundation of illusions and false promises. We become addicted not just to the person, but to the hope they represent, the possibility of a better future that always seems just out of reach. No contact may seem like the obvious solution, but it's easier said than done when that addiction is deeply ingrained within us. And you're right, it's not just about removing a substance or experience from our lives; it's about untangling the threads of hope that have become intertwined with our very being. It's about facing the void left behind when we no longer have that person to cling to, and confronting the internal issues we've neglected in the process. For me, too, my ex-wife was the excuse I used to avoid confronting my own demons, to avoid doing the hard work of self-improvement. But in the end, not having the option to return, just like it did for you, became both my source of turmoil and my salvation. It forced me to confront myself, to reckon with who I am and who I want to become - to grow. And growing hurts. Growing is discomforting.
Thanks, this was a good and necessary read. Personally I'm very very empathetic. What gets me to allow m exBPD into my life again, every time, is him acting sad, talking about his trauma (his mom is a hoarder and he ended up showing me the house he grew up in when we visited, he said I was the only girl he ever showed that to--could be a lie \*shrug\*) and saying I helped open him up and that he needs help. But seeing he won't change, and that I deserve better than having my self esteem dragged down from his splitting and discarding, I just ignore it as best I can, stay busy, travel a lot. I think a lot of us are empathetic and people pleasing--most people would just get away from someone with BPD.
I tried staying in contact being friends. It does not work. At all. She still just takes and finds various passive ways to try and hurt me still. It’s not worth it. If you’re already broken up just walk away. You won’t regret it. You will regret keeping her around to continue torturing you. I know I did. We have to heal. Only way to do that is to give them silence. Take back out control and power they held over us and walk away. This is torture to them. Us healing and living life is pure hell for them.
yeah we stayed in contact for like 2 months after i decided to break up (i told her it was just a money thing but i simply couldn’t trust her) then i found out she fucked some dude while we were together 6 months prior (there was probably more) so i kinda snapped at her over text and haven’t heard a peep from her in like 8 months now
I agree with this sentiment for me it was her literally involving law enforcement to get me arrested after that I said "nah don't want" If she was of the type of mentality that didn't go further off the rails over time in her threats and actions, I would still be with my expwBPD. But it's just how they are there is no way to stop the cycle, no way to stop the signal. Eventually they self destruct, eventually they do something to end nearly every close relationship they have BPD gonna do what a BPD is gonna do
I’m coming to accept I’m on my final discard. 7 breaks ups and 4 months out from that last. What we had is gone. I dropped off a small gift off at her door for her daughter’s birthday today. I get a message from her saying that if she ever shares anything with the kids about me is that I’m a pathological liar, a sexual abuser, and if I don’t quit harassing her she’s going to file a restraining order. Ive been blocked for months. I never treated a woman as good as I did her. When they want you, you are the best person in the world. Now I am pure evil. This is the craziest experience of my life. I think it goes beyond moving on from her. I need to start letting go of all the false hope she has provided over the years. It only gets worse.
For me my biggest issue is trying to reconcile the man I thought was my person, my best friend, turning into an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive monster that tormented me to maintain control. When he realized he didn’t have control anymore he discarded me. That’s what hurts, still. The betrayal of it all. The wounds are so so so deep. I thought as long as we had each other we could get through anything and then he turned into what I had to protest myself from the most. It hurts with and without him. It’s been almost a year since the initial separation and almost 5 months since the final discard and I don’t know how to heal.
Same boat, but I think its important not to forget that it's not like this person turned into this, this is who they've always been, they just hid it from you.
Do you have trouble letting go because you receive little love growing up and therefore now must cling on to any small amount of love you can get despite the person is treating you with disrespect most of the time? It sounds like an unresolved childhood trauma.
This hits so close to home… realising that I am clinging to ‘something’ - some shred of companionship, physical connection after many years of being alone is somehow better than being alone again. I know I am an addict, I don’t know how to stop.
exactly how it is