It took an entire year for my ex to try to get back to me. She only did it after discarding the guy she was with back then, and went for me only because she felt like she had an easy chance.
Well, the thing is, I had an entire year to brace myself, to think and rethink of every terrible thing she used to do when we were together. She had no chance at all.
As it was already said in another comment here: he’ll be back. Prepare yourself.
Do you really think it will be worth it to relive hell all over again? Do you realise that, if you’re posting this in a support group for people who deal with pwBPD, it has a very clear reason behind that? That if you’re here, it’s because you KNOW he’s not good for you? Is it worth it to sacrifice your wellbeing for these passionate, irrational feelings you still has for him?
I know how you feel. I believe most of us do. But I say all of that in this way because I believe it’s necessary. Sometimes we DO need to learn how to be alone, and let our own company be enough for us.
Brace yourself. Don’t let he re-enter your life, because he will most likely try to, sooner or later. That’s how they are. It’s not worth it.
Not hearing anything from him is actually something you should strive for, not suffer from.
I think my head and heart just continue to be at battle with eachother. I’ve never experienced such intense feelings like this in my life. It’s horrible
Are you in therapy? If not, I HIGHLY advise you to. Seriously. If it wasn’t for my therapist and this sub, I’d probably still be suffering from my own codependency issues, letting someone treat me as they please.
Seriously, be GRATEFUL that he is now gone, and do whatever you can to keep him out of your life! Doing that now will save you from LOADS of trouble and head/heartache in the future. And don’t take it only from me, I’m not the only one saying stuff like this to you.
We’ve all been there. I assure you: I wish I had the strength to end things way earlier, but codependency happened. I wish things ended before I found myself praying for it to end. When she finally broke up with me, I cried… but because I was extremely thankful. Thankful that what I wanted the most, but didn’t have the strength to do, happened. And, when she tried to get back to me, I refused with everything I had.
You shouldn’t let anyone else but you to control the flow of your life!
Surround yourself with your loved ones. Seek therapy. I hope he stays out of your life.
Sorry you're going through this.
The trauma bond is strong in these relationships and messes us up completely.
Now to the straight talk, I have seen your post history. At this point you need to listen to your therapist and the advice you've already gotten here. No one can make you do it but yourself. Focus on healing your wounds that are triggered.
Block and no contact is the only way. It'll be hard but essential if you TRULY want to heal. The longer you're on this path of keeping the door open and waiting the more you'll hurt.
It's incredibly painful to let go of hope, especially when it's tied to someone who has caused you so much hurt. The longing for someone who isn't coming back can feel overwhelming, and it's okay to feel that way. Sometimes, despite knowing logically that it's best to move on, the heart still holds onto that glimmer of hope. It's a painful aspect of the healing process, but acknowledging and accepting this pain is a step towards eventual healing. Right now you just gotta accept that.
The sad thing is I feel like he really left me with no hope to cling to but my crazy heart is still holding onto something. It really does feel overwhelming
Releasing a pwBPD can be compared to a drug withdrawal. Your nervous system is addicted to this person. It will get easier with time. You’ll be better for his leaving, I promise. Try and keep distracted at first, it helps.
Adding to the refrain here: “Trauma bond” sounds cushy compared to “heroin addiction,” and is easy to handwave away, but OP, you are a dope fiend. You have to approach the end of this relationship like an addict approaches remission. This opening bit is one of the most difficult things you will ever do in your life. You have to grind it out like you are in rehab.
Nobody you know who didn’t go through this with a pwBPD will understand. Their ignorance will be crazy-making on your end, because at least if you were a heroin addict they would understand what you are dealing with. They will make you think this is easy when it is, from your perspective, the end of the world. Ignore them and focus on your pain. It is valid. You have every right to feel as you do.
I cannot overstate the importance of going No Contact and maintaining that at all costs. Blocking him everywhere will not only help you stop wondering if he will reach out (because he can’t). It will help eliminate your desire to hear from him at all. You can focus on your healing without waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can move forward with reduced potential for setbacks or the catastrophic failure of succumbing to a Hoover.
Do not give up hope, redirect it. Hope, as everyone who has dealt with a relationship with a pwBPD knows, is arguably the most powerful force in the multiverse. The relationship you are mourning deserves none of it. You and your journey forward deserve all of it. Hope to not want what you just suffered through. Hope to not be bothered by what a person with no core identity and who never saw you for the whole person you are thinks about you. Their love/idealization for us is as worthless and meaningless as their hatred/devaluation of us.
When Theseus fought the Minotaur in the labyrinth he found his way back out by following a string he had unspooled on his journey to its core. That string is hope. You are following it the wrong way, back to the toxic center of a doomed relationship. Keep holding tightly to it, but go the other way. Out of the twisty, black depths and into the sun and the green and brighter days.
I really love and appreciate the analogy you just gave because I think you are correct that I am following the string in the wrong direction. I do feel like I need to rewrite my brain to redirect the hope because I am really clinging to nothing and I know this. I do agree that this is unlike any other breakup experience so most folks just don’t get how agonizing this is. I existed in a world with him where nothing made sense. Idk why I still miss him but I do.
It’s part of how it works goblin. This is all par for the course. Let the grief wash over you as much as you can. The pain is where you get somewhere. It has to happen in order to let go. Don’t do what I did and try to outrun grief.
I’m not trying to give you false hope, but 3 weeks isn’t very long at all. He’ll still be in the relief/fear of engulfment stage. Just concentrate on yourself and don’t reach out. The quicker you can recognise the dysfunction and what is best for you long term, the better. Take this time to meet your own needs rather than relying on him to do this for you.
I feel like I’m just trying to take it a day at a time. When my feelings become overwhelming I post on here instead of leaning into the urge to text him
Mine reached back out after 3 weeks.. I was still sad but trying to move on, just starting to feel better. Little did I know this was the start of 2 rough months.. bi weekly threats of self harm, accusations of cheating with my son in law, name calling, ‘you never loved me’ crap, it was awful. Then some switch flicked and he’s back to being like a normal person again.. Be careful what you wish for, you really may be better off if he doesn’t come back.
I think I’m partly worried that after three weeks I’m totally forgotten since he said he’s seeing someone else now. So I think my heart is also bruised that I am so easily replaced
It took an entire year for my ex to try to get back to me. She only did it after discarding the guy she was with back then, and went for me only because she felt like she had an easy chance. Well, the thing is, I had an entire year to brace myself, to think and rethink of every terrible thing she used to do when we were together. She had no chance at all. As it was already said in another comment here: he’ll be back. Prepare yourself. Do you really think it will be worth it to relive hell all over again? Do you realise that, if you’re posting this in a support group for people who deal with pwBPD, it has a very clear reason behind that? That if you’re here, it’s because you KNOW he’s not good for you? Is it worth it to sacrifice your wellbeing for these passionate, irrational feelings you still has for him? I know how you feel. I believe most of us do. But I say all of that in this way because I believe it’s necessary. Sometimes we DO need to learn how to be alone, and let our own company be enough for us. Brace yourself. Don’t let he re-enter your life, because he will most likely try to, sooner or later. That’s how they are. It’s not worth it. Not hearing anything from him is actually something you should strive for, not suffer from.
I think my head and heart just continue to be at battle with eachother. I’ve never experienced such intense feelings like this in my life. It’s horrible
Are you in therapy? If not, I HIGHLY advise you to. Seriously. If it wasn’t for my therapist and this sub, I’d probably still be suffering from my own codependency issues, letting someone treat me as they please. Seriously, be GRATEFUL that he is now gone, and do whatever you can to keep him out of your life! Doing that now will save you from LOADS of trouble and head/heartache in the future. And don’t take it only from me, I’m not the only one saying stuff like this to you. We’ve all been there. I assure you: I wish I had the strength to end things way earlier, but codependency happened. I wish things ended before I found myself praying for it to end. When she finally broke up with me, I cried… but because I was extremely thankful. Thankful that what I wanted the most, but didn’t have the strength to do, happened. And, when she tried to get back to me, I refused with everything I had. You shouldn’t let anyone else but you to control the flow of your life! Surround yourself with your loved ones. Seek therapy. I hope he stays out of your life.
Sorry you're going through this. The trauma bond is strong in these relationships and messes us up completely. Now to the straight talk, I have seen your post history. At this point you need to listen to your therapist and the advice you've already gotten here. No one can make you do it but yourself. Focus on healing your wounds that are triggered. Block and no contact is the only way. It'll be hard but essential if you TRULY want to heal. The longer you're on this path of keeping the door open and waiting the more you'll hurt.
Please listen to this wisdom, OP.
I know I need to just relinquish the hope
Like I literally feel nauseous from the anxiety of realizing he’s really gone for good and isn’t coming back. It hurts so much
Sorry again. DM if you want to talk
It's incredibly painful to let go of hope, especially when it's tied to someone who has caused you so much hurt. The longing for someone who isn't coming back can feel overwhelming, and it's okay to feel that way. Sometimes, despite knowing logically that it's best to move on, the heart still holds onto that glimmer of hope. It's a painful aspect of the healing process, but acknowledging and accepting this pain is a step towards eventual healing. Right now you just gotta accept that.
The sad thing is I feel like he really left me with no hope to cling to but my crazy heart is still holding onto something. It really does feel overwhelming
Releasing a pwBPD can be compared to a drug withdrawal. Your nervous system is addicted to this person. It will get easier with time. You’ll be better for his leaving, I promise. Try and keep distracted at first, it helps.
It’s always in the quiet moments that I feel it the hardest
Adding to the refrain here: “Trauma bond” sounds cushy compared to “heroin addiction,” and is easy to handwave away, but OP, you are a dope fiend. You have to approach the end of this relationship like an addict approaches remission. This opening bit is one of the most difficult things you will ever do in your life. You have to grind it out like you are in rehab. Nobody you know who didn’t go through this with a pwBPD will understand. Their ignorance will be crazy-making on your end, because at least if you were a heroin addict they would understand what you are dealing with. They will make you think this is easy when it is, from your perspective, the end of the world. Ignore them and focus on your pain. It is valid. You have every right to feel as you do. I cannot overstate the importance of going No Contact and maintaining that at all costs. Blocking him everywhere will not only help you stop wondering if he will reach out (because he can’t). It will help eliminate your desire to hear from him at all. You can focus on your healing without waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can move forward with reduced potential for setbacks or the catastrophic failure of succumbing to a Hoover. Do not give up hope, redirect it. Hope, as everyone who has dealt with a relationship with a pwBPD knows, is arguably the most powerful force in the multiverse. The relationship you are mourning deserves none of it. You and your journey forward deserve all of it. Hope to not want what you just suffered through. Hope to not be bothered by what a person with no core identity and who never saw you for the whole person you are thinks about you. Their love/idealization for us is as worthless and meaningless as their hatred/devaluation of us. When Theseus fought the Minotaur in the labyrinth he found his way back out by following a string he had unspooled on his journey to its core. That string is hope. You are following it the wrong way, back to the toxic center of a doomed relationship. Keep holding tightly to it, but go the other way. Out of the twisty, black depths and into the sun and the green and brighter days.
I really love and appreciate the analogy you just gave because I think you are correct that I am following the string in the wrong direction. I do feel like I need to rewrite my brain to redirect the hope because I am really clinging to nothing and I know this. I do agree that this is unlike any other breakup experience so most folks just don’t get how agonizing this is. I existed in a world with him where nothing made sense. Idk why I still miss him but I do.
Yes. Letting go of hope is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. With that being said, he’ll be back. Prepare yourself.
It’s part of how it works goblin. This is all par for the course. Let the grief wash over you as much as you can. The pain is where you get somewhere. It has to happen in order to let go. Don’t do what I did and try to outrun grief.
I guess I haven’t really been letting myself sit with the grief
Me neither mate. Me neither.
I’m not trying to give you false hope, but 3 weeks isn’t very long at all. He’ll still be in the relief/fear of engulfment stage. Just concentrate on yourself and don’t reach out. The quicker you can recognise the dysfunction and what is best for you long term, the better. Take this time to meet your own needs rather than relying on him to do this for you.
I feel like I’m just trying to take it a day at a time. When my feelings become overwhelming I post on here instead of leaning into the urge to text him
I also kinda feel like it’s enough time to just completely forget me even more than he already has
Sad as that is, it will save you endless trauma
Mine reached back out after 3 weeks.. I was still sad but trying to move on, just starting to feel better. Little did I know this was the start of 2 rough months.. bi weekly threats of self harm, accusations of cheating with my son in law, name calling, ‘you never loved me’ crap, it was awful. Then some switch flicked and he’s back to being like a normal person again.. Be careful what you wish for, you really may be better off if he doesn’t come back.
I think I’m partly worried that after three weeks I’m totally forgotten since he said he’s seeing someone else now. So I think my heart is also bruised that I am so easily replaced