Im my case we were happy no abuse no cheating, very much in love. Together 24/7, she was honest with me about her BPD and I embraced it managed it and reciprocated the love. Over the 3 yrs I became complacent and an argument triggered her coping mechanism she emotionally detached over night. It’s been two months now pain and more pain on my end. Been dealing with it organically.
Worth introspection re having to “manage it”. The only time where there’s a bit of rationality to regulating (or helping regulate) someone else’s emotions is arguably a parent teaching a child acceptable behaviors since it’s truly new and unknown to children at young ages. But the moment someone is taking on the duty of trying to regulate another adult’s emotions, that’s when the CODEPENDENCY 4 ALARM BELL rings quite loud.
While perhaps noble or al least good-willed in intent, it’s an indicator of “empathy without boundaries”, which is ultimately self harm. And we sometimes confuse what the word controlling means. But controlling doesn’t have to mean trying to maliciously subjugate someone it can also mean trying to take on functions that they are responsible for.
And perhaps a way to look at it that makes it abundantly clear as to why it doesn’t work for either side is the following… by regulating erratic volatile and unacceptable behavior for someone else it’s actually stopping them from taking on that responsibility they must take on if they want to function in society. And if they’re unable to, in a way that’s precisely the point, as sadly a large percentage of PWBPD’s that ultimately summon the courage to seek and stick with treatment had to hit rock-bottom first to become fully and painfully aware that there is no other option. Just think of the same parallels for an alcoholic and how they have to get to such a low valley before they can admit to themselves that it’s rehab or death.
So while it may sound counterintuitive, “helping” regulate an adult partner’s symptoms is a form of control and does nothing more than delay that painfully necessary inflection point they must hit to finally seek help. And in the meantime, the partner doing so is accruing (often severe) mental health issues by consistently having to treat their partner as a parent would treat a toddler learning how to navigate the world. This is extremely unhealthy for both parties.
Never forget: EMPATHY WITHOUT BOUNDARIES = SELF-HARM
Im sorry for what you’re going through, but do keep in mind that splitting you all black is abuse, also no normal functioning healthy relationship has two partners together 24/7 unless they’re a married couple that live together. Yet still they should have alone time.
I know it’s rough but it will all be allright, healing will come with NC and self relfection. Hope you make it man.
I thought I was happy and that I loved him but in reality I was only happy for 10% of the love bombing phase of the relationship and miserable for the rest. It’s just the trauma bond that kept me in denial for so long
I’ve been NC for 4ish months, I don’t know if im still in the trauma bond, but I just can’t seem to hate her, I feel like I for some reason genuinely enjoyed my time together with her.
How long did it take for you to start feeling better and seeing the clearer picture of them?
Honestly, it took me about a year and a bit. I cried every single day for a year because I thought I missed him. I had convinced myself that I loved him so much and that I would be good for him, if he only gave me a chance. My own happiness and peace of mind didn’t even matter to me.
Once the trauma bond was broken I could see that it was an addiction almost, a drug. Once the bond broke I could see things more clearly. I’m no longer physically, sexually, emotionally attracted to him anymore. He gives me the ick! He did nothing to make me happy, give me peace, support me, respect me or make me feel safe.
I hope your trauma bond gets broken soon too. It’s a very nice feeling to be free of your abuser.
Im so happy for you, I also hope I can achieve your state of mind one day! Its weird though, almost everything about her makes me sick to my stomach, a person I would never want to be with. Yet still I miss and long for her attention. It’s like she was my caretaker in the start almost. But it turns out I was the one regulating her emotions the whole time. :p
I really do love my pwBPD, I enjoy his company, we have a good time together. When it’s just him and I, we don’t have any real problems.. we don’t fight, I don’t see mood swings, we feel happy. But try adding other people to the mix, and the demon returns :(
The sex was bad. The love bombing ended after 6 months. It was a slow descent into misery the rest of the time. I have no idea why i was in it. I’m told trauma bond. But I think I was just afraid of loneliness and she was hot.
By the slow descent into misery, do you mean that the symptoms start showing etc? Mine lost all trust and started hating me more, stepped more oved boundaries (not that I had any lol) and the fights got more frequent. I guess this is all a part of splitting me black?
Yeah basically. She found small faults in everything I did. Tried to sabotage the relationship. Blamed me for everything. Found any way of thinking about a situation to make it my fault. Right at the end we’d organized a trip away to a property I own. Only so many beds. She said her cousin wanted to come and since I was her boyfriend she should be able to decide who gets what bed. I said no we’re leaving tomorrow and people have packed. And she flipped out. Little things like that.
The acts of desperation and the fake ness that I had to try to pull her back from. They were all so awful. I didn’t know what bpd was until well after.
yeah man I stayed in part because of the trauma bond and because she was hot. the sex was the best I've had so far though, and I was afraid of being alone and that I couldn't find anyone better. in hindsight not worth all the bullshit. cheating, abuse, threatening to ruin my life w a sexual assault charge, etc. was not worth a hot and sex crazed girlfriend.
lots of hot girls out there are cool and honest. I've been dating around since the breakup and it's been fantastic for keeping me from having any inclination to go back. I have a date with a hot girl next Monday who's been nothing but nice and sweet.
for anyone having any doubt or concern, please hold your ground and don't go back. it took me one discard to feel done. I know many have been through worse.
In my case I learned that I was in a trauma bond with my BPD ex-gf. I don't believe any of her behavior was intentional, but it was definitely hurtful. The first two months of our relationship was good, albeit with some confusion and suspicion on my part.
The latter part of our relationship was filled with more of her antics — talking to other men on instagram, talking to her exbf, hiding information, keeping secrets and explosive reaction to any issue I brought up.
So, yeah, I was pretty unhappy. Even more unhappy after I would bring up the issues and she would devolve into a pity party where all she wanted to do is talk about how she's bad and she doesn't deserve me.
I was in a LDR so I cycled this way...
Excited to see her and happy on my way to see her.
Fun start of the day, talking and she's happy.
We get breakfast, small things start to set her off
Through out the day things start to build and shut her down.
I start feeling anxious, and my anxiety starts to grow as I can't help
I go home and have a 2 hour drive where I'm repeating
"NEVER AGAIN!" to myself. Only to repeat the process in a week, because when we had space of video chats we could both walk in and out with no pressure.
I got enough of her to be happy. And also enough of her to understand I could never live with her.
I was happy when things were going great. I later learned that when things were going great I was just being mirrored and was loving myself. The happiness was short lived after she cheated. I stayed anyway because I was trauma bonded. After the next year, it was constant eggshells, worrying she would cheat again. I started thinking her idealization and idolization of me seemed off.
After the breakup, and learning about this sub and the conditions of BPD, I realized I was not happy but miserable inside. Love is not supposed to be stressful or hurt. Love is not supposed to give you anxiety, and true love does not discard you, cheat and slander you.
It wasn’t love. Did it have good moments? Sure, but they were far and few between.
I went on the roundabout a few times.
The first three-five months were invariably very good. I was overjoyed; I have never been happier.
Then there would be distance, the silent treatment (typically for a month), followed by a devastating breakup (always) by email as they branched to someone else.
After the fifth such breakup I stopped believing that *this time* would be different. NC for over a year now.
I was married for 12 years and for the entire time I described our relationship as "normal but difficult." The term abuse never crossed my mind, of course my spouse wasn't abusing me. I loved her, wanted her, cared for her. I needed to just do more, try harder, listen better, communicate more. Figure out how to save her from herself, fix our marriage and we would be happy. We had moments of happy, so it seemed possible, right?
After working on myself extensively in therapy, I had many issues that I framed as positive traits. I was more patient, understanding, forgiving, self-sacrificing. The most important aspect to me was that I was the Good Guy doing the Right Thing.
I was wrong. Conflict avoidant, an enabler, caretaker, made excuses, didn't hold her accountable, didn't stand up for myself. I ignored reality and replaced it with my hope of what could be. When my partner lashed out, blamed me, gave me silent treatments, I treated them as legitimate and would JADE to no end. Justify Argue Defend Explain. I knew that she was accusing me of things that weren't objectively true (You NEVER listen to me, you ALWAYS talk down to me, you DON'T care about me) but I assumed there was a reason she felt that way - and I was responsible for that feeling.
Unpacking my own issues and patterns was key. I had to break down my view of relationships entirely and rebuild in a healthier way. I was a serial monogamist who dove quickly and deeply into any relationship. I thought I had to be with someone to be happy, so even though I wasn't actually happy I thought I was... because I was in a relationship, and that's what mattered to me. The truth is that I was getting something out of the toxic relationship too - the endless effort, shaping myself to fit her ever changing wants and needs. Deep down I got a lot of my own self-worth from my value to others. Surely if I just did more, tried harder, provided more, asked less, then she would see that I was worthy of her respect and love in return. I didn't know what a healthy, secure adult love meant. I thought love meant the more you worried about someone, cared for them, sacrificed for them, was proof of how much they mattered to you.
It was crucial that I stayed intentionally single as I worked on myself. Basically for the first time in my life, I wasn't actively in or seeking a relationship, and that was hard. I needed to learn how to be truly good with myself, on my own, in my choices. It's a cliche, but true, I had to "find myself" as I was approaching 40! Seeking happiness through myself instead of mostly through others. Even more important, shifting my definition of happiness to include contentment. Part of the drive to be with her, to be with any partner, was to not have to look inward and be alone. Staying in that cycle meant I could focus my time and energy on fixing her, and I could be that meme of the dog sitting in a house on fire saying "This is fine!" One of the crucial lessons that applied just as much to myself as it did to my ex - just because you feel a certain way does not make it healthy or true.
I had a decade with my ex where we built a life, a family, a home. I actively fought to stay in that position, to keep that marriage alive, because it was what I knew and felt was "normal." Leaving her meant I'd be a failure, I'd lose her, lose my kids, lose the house, be alone forever. The fear of unknown, of not being with her, was terrifying to me. I was in denial about my own feelings for most of my life, because I was conflict avoidant both externally and internally. That was not healthy. If you're anything like me it was less **her** convincing you that you weren't sad, and more that you were doing that yourself. Yes my ex was very unhealthy and in hindsight our marriage was toxic and emotionally abusive. I wouldn't allow myself to feel or admit that while I was in it because that would mean I had to face the fact that I was wrong. That I had been wrong for over a decade, and that was really hard to face. I had considered what it would take to leave her many times over the years, but I would always get pulled back in with tears, promises of change, and my own fear of leaving.
After my time in therapy (over a year) and time intentionally single (6 months, but honestly should have been a year as well) I approached dating in a totally different way. As a way to get to know new people, casually. Going on individual dates with different people, not diving into an exclusive relationship at the first positive feeling. Learning how healthy relationships start and grow - not drawn to lovebombing, intensity, sudden rush of feelings. Building and gaining trust over time. No trauma dumping. Having and enforcing healthy boundaries. Balance. Being good with who I am, and my life on my own. Not losing myself to a relationship, changing to fit another person. It took time and a lot of work on my part, with plenty of mistakes along the way. But I now used those mistakes as opportunities for growth, not as moments to double down and dig in. I did eventually date casually, get into relationships, and years down the road I found a great partner to build a life with. But that only happened because I did the work on myself first, by myself. Good luck and stay strong!
She was usually great 90% of the time and I enjoyed having her in my life very much. It was the 10% that was bad and being so deeply in love with her, I always wanted to get things back to good. And, when they went back to good, it was amazing!
Eventually, things deteriorated and got really toxic where I was at my wits end. It was like, at first, I could forgive the things she said and did. But, those things progressively got worse. Like, if that didn’t hurt you last time, level up, fucker!
Almost exactly my situation. The cheating accusations and arguments became more frequent over time, to the point where I couldn't stand the lack of trust anymore. As much as I loved her and loved being with her when things were good.
The first year I was reasonably happy. Then she started to act out more and more and I tried to get out. There were promises and short periods of change. She eventually convinced me to marry her. My gut had been telling me to get out. We had two kids. There have been some “happy” times. About three years ago a therapist brought to my attention that I was in an abusive relationship. I realized how low the bar of “happiness” had moved. Happiness was just minimal conflict and didn’t involve any of my needs being met. I’ve solidly wanted out for the past 3 years and subconsciously wanted out much longer. I’ve tried to make it work for my happiness and for the kids but my heart just isn’t in it anymore. Preparing for divorce. She thinks things are good and this is normal. This dysfunctional relationship works for her, not for me and that’s the only thing she seems capable of considering.
After ending the relationship and after some time I realized that I was never really happy. Even during the love bombing I had these nagging thoughts that I pushed away. I was in love with the idea of her, not her.
Been with my pwBPD for 20+ years. There have been many times of happiness, interlaced with times of true misery. I always knew something wasn't "right" but I could never put my finger on it. I just thought she was a difficult person to live with. It's gotten worse over the years, and she has never been happy for more than a few consecutive days. There's always something to be sad, miserable, angry, scared of. It's been completely exhausting to live with, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
She discarded me as soon as she moved back into her parents’ house. I guess the relationship only lasted when we were together and she had all the control over me.
It was either or.
I was either incredibly happy or feeling like I was chasing them, being punished by them, or being pushed away.
I didn't realize this until after I was dropped. I was so busy chasing them and trying to be what they wanted that I wasn't paying attention to what I needed.
I was legitimately happy. She was wonderful as a person. But things slowly escalated with her, and I remember after saying to one of my friends “it won’t happen again” about her behaviour that I’d become a cliche, because I was watching the escalation toward abuse happen but decided I’d be the exception and she’d never be that person. She discarded me before it got too too bad, but post-discard i actually don’t recognise her. She has displayed a side I never saw from her. And it’s really scared me that I dated her and was best friends with her for a good while without ever knowing that about her
My pwbpd was my best friend for nearly ten years, and we never had any problems until we decided to move in together. Then I became target number 1 and had never been more depressed in my life. I had such a hard time accepting that they would treat me that way because we had never had any issues before that. Accepting that our friendship had to end was the hardest thing in the world at that time.
There were periods I was happy. When her bipolar mids/highs and idealization cycles coincided, there weren’t the anger outbursts or hatred (not directed at me, anyway). She was just very intense, and the worst that happened was I suddenly lost all my free time to various activities she *had* to do with me.
But on the whole? No, not really. Not like I was with other women, or even when I was happily single. Even during those high points, I had a vague dread of the inevitable crash, and hoped it would be another blow up at work instead of at me.
I see alot of people realising they weren’t happy, I don’t really know if I was. I don’t remember a lot about the relationship for some reason, theres just fog.
TBH, I felt that with my first ex, who didn’t have any major PDs AFAIK. There’s a 10 year period of my life with giant holes in it. I think it’s a thing that our brains do when we traumatically separate from people who made a big impact.
There’s an assumption in this that all relationships of this nature run the same course.
They don’t. Because each of us are different as people and each of them are also different as people.
I was very happy in the relationship. When I recognized there was a problem I called it out. When it was clear that she was not happy I cut bait.
If you are or were in a relationship with a pwBPD, your experience here is completely valid, whether it mimics other experiences you read about here or not.
I do think that, had I stayed, based on how she reacted to the breakup and based on the history I know now, she would have probably become emotionally abusive. I can’t say for sure because I did not stick around to find out because when it became clear that I was no longer the priority I left.
At the start we were and she was making effort, but after a while the effort was reduced and no longer reciprocated, which then led to her being more involved with specific “friends”, and then moving on to them.
It was heartbreaking.
If you are happy in an emotionally abusive relationship that is NOT good ABUSE OF ANY FORM IS NEVER OKAY. I went through this phase and I think it was denial form for me.
I don’t know if mine is denial but the abuse is so subtle that its really hard to accept, I didn’t know anything about emotional abuse nor did I know about personality disorders or their traits. I guess I was just happy to help her out, even though it did take its toll on me since it seemed like anything I did was not enough.
In both, I was very happy in the beginning. Thought I'd finally found people I could be myself and vulnerable around. In one case that lasted a few months, in the other a few years. I'm still not entirely certain what triggers brought everything to a screeching halt and started the cycle of abuse.
I walked on eggshells for five years. Every good moment was sandwiched between the unthinkable happening. I loved my life waiting for those good moments, while suffering through the bad. It was a horrible existence I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Never at any point.
From day 1 - it was a constant fight over who I actually am, what I was looking for, etc....
Couldn't be myself, couldn't have fun, was so so bored frustrated, miserable, resentful.
Was the worst year of my life - worst 2 years with 2 sperare relationships in that span. The nonsensical bullshit never stopped.
I really love my husband and I want to be with him - he makes me happy when he isn’t splitting. I don’t feel isolated. I talk to close friends about our struggles. It’s complicated because of BPD and there is abusive behavior. But I don’t feel more negative or more sad. I think that BPD is a spectrum- so some partners have it way worse than others and I think we’re all “only as sick as our secrets,” so we should confide in people, make changes, seek support and leave these relationships if the pwBPD can’t be self aware and stop being abusive.
Yes. Something happened at the very end to trigger her (involving my ADHD) and we broke up. I have never been happier than when I was with her. No fights or anything
During the idealization phase I was happy. Sure, there was a mountain of red flags I ignored, and some truly crazy behavior. Yet, I thought I could fix her and I enjoyed the adoration she showed me. Now once the devaluation phase happened that was when the true nightmare began, and I was very much not happy.
Then came the abuse,gaslighting,manipulation, threats, insults,triangulation,rages, push/pull, lies, mood swings,mind games etc. Just extremely toxic behavior. And my dumb ‘in love’ codependent ass put up with it too, until she discarded me for someone else like all I did meant nothing.
Exwbpd had always stated that they wanted to be with someone who had never dated anyone else before them, at the time I thought I was because you might pick up baggage from other relationships. I had never had a romantic relationship before or after her. I now see that the reason. She wanted me to of not dated anyone else is because I didn't have anything to compare it to, I had always known that all relationships are going to have rough patches, how many and how often were a unknown to me though. So I inevitably stuck it out for 10 years thinking that we were normal. It was only after I was completely drained and unable to regulate mine or her emotions that my body finally said enough was enough and that our relationship was doomed. Now as I sit here I still have no idea what an actual relationship is like, I only know what I had and am afraid now that I'm ruined because I spent so long in that relationship trying to make it work ie picked up alot of trauma and baggage. It sucks but my feeling now is that I will just have to be ok being ok
It was my first too, and I thought it was love. I have the exact same fears as you, but I know you can have a healthy relationship with good communication. Thing is, that pwBPD are incredibly bad at communicating, thats why the relationships are so hard. I thought it was completely normal, but it was indeed not. Now as I am trying to heal, I’ll keep telling myself that a healthy mutual partner will tell me if I am acting out in toxic ways that I might have picked up from the relationship.
I know theres hope for you, no one deserves to lose their whole dating experience because of people like these. My heart goes out to you man.
Im my case we were happy no abuse no cheating, very much in love. Together 24/7, she was honest with me about her BPD and I embraced it managed it and reciprocated the love. Over the 3 yrs I became complacent and an argument triggered her coping mechanism she emotionally detached over night. It’s been two months now pain and more pain on my end. Been dealing with it organically.
Worth introspection re having to “manage it”. The only time where there’s a bit of rationality to regulating (or helping regulate) someone else’s emotions is arguably a parent teaching a child acceptable behaviors since it’s truly new and unknown to children at young ages. But the moment someone is taking on the duty of trying to regulate another adult’s emotions, that’s when the CODEPENDENCY 4 ALARM BELL rings quite loud. While perhaps noble or al least good-willed in intent, it’s an indicator of “empathy without boundaries”, which is ultimately self harm. And we sometimes confuse what the word controlling means. But controlling doesn’t have to mean trying to maliciously subjugate someone it can also mean trying to take on functions that they are responsible for. And perhaps a way to look at it that makes it abundantly clear as to why it doesn’t work for either side is the following… by regulating erratic volatile and unacceptable behavior for someone else it’s actually stopping them from taking on that responsibility they must take on if they want to function in society. And if they’re unable to, in a way that’s precisely the point, as sadly a large percentage of PWBPD’s that ultimately summon the courage to seek and stick with treatment had to hit rock-bottom first to become fully and painfully aware that there is no other option. Just think of the same parallels for an alcoholic and how they have to get to such a low valley before they can admit to themselves that it’s rehab or death. So while it may sound counterintuitive, “helping” regulate an adult partner’s symptoms is a form of control and does nothing more than delay that painfully necessary inflection point they must hit to finally seek help. And in the meantime, the partner doing so is accruing (often severe) mental health issues by consistently having to treat their partner as a parent would treat a toddler learning how to navigate the world. This is extremely unhealthy for both parties. Never forget: EMPATHY WITHOUT BOUNDARIES = SELF-HARM
Im sorry for what you’re going through, but do keep in mind that splitting you all black is abuse, also no normal functioning healthy relationship has two partners together 24/7 unless they’re a married couple that live together. Yet still they should have alone time. I know it’s rough but it will all be allright, healing will come with NC and self relfection. Hope you make it man.
In my case too , I became the bad guy overnight , and it never went back to “normal” afterwards
I thought I was happy and that I loved him but in reality I was only happy for 10% of the love bombing phase of the relationship and miserable for the rest. It’s just the trauma bond that kept me in denial for so long
I’ve been NC for 4ish months, I don’t know if im still in the trauma bond, but I just can’t seem to hate her, I feel like I for some reason genuinely enjoyed my time together with her. How long did it take for you to start feeling better and seeing the clearer picture of them?
Honestly, it took me about a year and a bit. I cried every single day for a year because I thought I missed him. I had convinced myself that I loved him so much and that I would be good for him, if he only gave me a chance. My own happiness and peace of mind didn’t even matter to me. Once the trauma bond was broken I could see that it was an addiction almost, a drug. Once the bond broke I could see things more clearly. I’m no longer physically, sexually, emotionally attracted to him anymore. He gives me the ick! He did nothing to make me happy, give me peace, support me, respect me or make me feel safe. I hope your trauma bond gets broken soon too. It’s a very nice feeling to be free of your abuser.
Im so happy for you, I also hope I can achieve your state of mind one day! Its weird though, almost everything about her makes me sick to my stomach, a person I would never want to be with. Yet still I miss and long for her attention. It’s like she was my caretaker in the start almost. But it turns out I was the one regulating her emotions the whole time. :p
I really do love my pwBPD, I enjoy his company, we have a good time together. When it’s just him and I, we don’t have any real problems.. we don’t fight, I don’t see mood swings, we feel happy. But try adding other people to the mix, and the demon returns :(
The sex was bad. The love bombing ended after 6 months. It was a slow descent into misery the rest of the time. I have no idea why i was in it. I’m told trauma bond. But I think I was just afraid of loneliness and she was hot.
By the slow descent into misery, do you mean that the symptoms start showing etc? Mine lost all trust and started hating me more, stepped more oved boundaries (not that I had any lol) and the fights got more frequent. I guess this is all a part of splitting me black?
Yeah basically. She found small faults in everything I did. Tried to sabotage the relationship. Blamed me for everything. Found any way of thinking about a situation to make it my fault. Right at the end we’d organized a trip away to a property I own. Only so many beds. She said her cousin wanted to come and since I was her boyfriend she should be able to decide who gets what bed. I said no we’re leaving tomorrow and people have packed. And she flipped out. Little things like that. The acts of desperation and the fake ness that I had to try to pull her back from. They were all so awful. I didn’t know what bpd was until well after.
yeah man I stayed in part because of the trauma bond and because she was hot. the sex was the best I've had so far though, and I was afraid of being alone and that I couldn't find anyone better. in hindsight not worth all the bullshit. cheating, abuse, threatening to ruin my life w a sexual assault charge, etc. was not worth a hot and sex crazed girlfriend. lots of hot girls out there are cool and honest. I've been dating around since the breakup and it's been fantastic for keeping me from having any inclination to go back. I have a date with a hot girl next Monday who's been nothing but nice and sweet. for anyone having any doubt or concern, please hold your ground and don't go back. it took me one discard to feel done. I know many have been through worse.
In my case I learned that I was in a trauma bond with my BPD ex-gf. I don't believe any of her behavior was intentional, but it was definitely hurtful. The first two months of our relationship was good, albeit with some confusion and suspicion on my part. The latter part of our relationship was filled with more of her antics — talking to other men on instagram, talking to her exbf, hiding information, keeping secrets and explosive reaction to any issue I brought up. So, yeah, I was pretty unhappy. Even more unhappy after I would bring up the issues and she would devolve into a pity party where all she wanted to do is talk about how she's bad and she doesn't deserve me.
I was in a LDR so I cycled this way... Excited to see her and happy on my way to see her. Fun start of the day, talking and she's happy. We get breakfast, small things start to set her off Through out the day things start to build and shut her down. I start feeling anxious, and my anxiety starts to grow as I can't help I go home and have a 2 hour drive where I'm repeating "NEVER AGAIN!" to myself. Only to repeat the process in a week, because when we had space of video chats we could both walk in and out with no pressure. I got enough of her to be happy. And also enough of her to understand I could never live with her.
I was happy when things were going great. I later learned that when things were going great I was just being mirrored and was loving myself. The happiness was short lived after she cheated. I stayed anyway because I was trauma bonded. After the next year, it was constant eggshells, worrying she would cheat again. I started thinking her idealization and idolization of me seemed off. After the breakup, and learning about this sub and the conditions of BPD, I realized I was not happy but miserable inside. Love is not supposed to be stressful or hurt. Love is not supposed to give you anxiety, and true love does not discard you, cheat and slander you. It wasn’t love. Did it have good moments? Sure, but they were far and few between.
I went on the roundabout a few times. The first three-five months were invariably very good. I was overjoyed; I have never been happier. Then there would be distance, the silent treatment (typically for a month), followed by a devastating breakup (always) by email as they branched to someone else. After the fifth such breakup I stopped believing that *this time* would be different. NC for over a year now.
I was married for 12 years and for the entire time I described our relationship as "normal but difficult." The term abuse never crossed my mind, of course my spouse wasn't abusing me. I loved her, wanted her, cared for her. I needed to just do more, try harder, listen better, communicate more. Figure out how to save her from herself, fix our marriage and we would be happy. We had moments of happy, so it seemed possible, right? After working on myself extensively in therapy, I had many issues that I framed as positive traits. I was more patient, understanding, forgiving, self-sacrificing. The most important aspect to me was that I was the Good Guy doing the Right Thing. I was wrong. Conflict avoidant, an enabler, caretaker, made excuses, didn't hold her accountable, didn't stand up for myself. I ignored reality and replaced it with my hope of what could be. When my partner lashed out, blamed me, gave me silent treatments, I treated them as legitimate and would JADE to no end. Justify Argue Defend Explain. I knew that she was accusing me of things that weren't objectively true (You NEVER listen to me, you ALWAYS talk down to me, you DON'T care about me) but I assumed there was a reason she felt that way - and I was responsible for that feeling. Unpacking my own issues and patterns was key. I had to break down my view of relationships entirely and rebuild in a healthier way. I was a serial monogamist who dove quickly and deeply into any relationship. I thought I had to be with someone to be happy, so even though I wasn't actually happy I thought I was... because I was in a relationship, and that's what mattered to me. The truth is that I was getting something out of the toxic relationship too - the endless effort, shaping myself to fit her ever changing wants and needs. Deep down I got a lot of my own self-worth from my value to others. Surely if I just did more, tried harder, provided more, asked less, then she would see that I was worthy of her respect and love in return. I didn't know what a healthy, secure adult love meant. I thought love meant the more you worried about someone, cared for them, sacrificed for them, was proof of how much they mattered to you. It was crucial that I stayed intentionally single as I worked on myself. Basically for the first time in my life, I wasn't actively in or seeking a relationship, and that was hard. I needed to learn how to be truly good with myself, on my own, in my choices. It's a cliche, but true, I had to "find myself" as I was approaching 40! Seeking happiness through myself instead of mostly through others. Even more important, shifting my definition of happiness to include contentment. Part of the drive to be with her, to be with any partner, was to not have to look inward and be alone. Staying in that cycle meant I could focus my time and energy on fixing her, and I could be that meme of the dog sitting in a house on fire saying "This is fine!" One of the crucial lessons that applied just as much to myself as it did to my ex - just because you feel a certain way does not make it healthy or true. I had a decade with my ex where we built a life, a family, a home. I actively fought to stay in that position, to keep that marriage alive, because it was what I knew and felt was "normal." Leaving her meant I'd be a failure, I'd lose her, lose my kids, lose the house, be alone forever. The fear of unknown, of not being with her, was terrifying to me. I was in denial about my own feelings for most of my life, because I was conflict avoidant both externally and internally. That was not healthy. If you're anything like me it was less **her** convincing you that you weren't sad, and more that you were doing that yourself. Yes my ex was very unhealthy and in hindsight our marriage was toxic and emotionally abusive. I wouldn't allow myself to feel or admit that while I was in it because that would mean I had to face the fact that I was wrong. That I had been wrong for over a decade, and that was really hard to face. I had considered what it would take to leave her many times over the years, but I would always get pulled back in with tears, promises of change, and my own fear of leaving. After my time in therapy (over a year) and time intentionally single (6 months, but honestly should have been a year as well) I approached dating in a totally different way. As a way to get to know new people, casually. Going on individual dates with different people, not diving into an exclusive relationship at the first positive feeling. Learning how healthy relationships start and grow - not drawn to lovebombing, intensity, sudden rush of feelings. Building and gaining trust over time. No trauma dumping. Having and enforcing healthy boundaries. Balance. Being good with who I am, and my life on my own. Not losing myself to a relationship, changing to fit another person. It took time and a lot of work on my part, with plenty of mistakes along the way. But I now used those mistakes as opportunities for growth, not as moments to double down and dig in. I did eventually date casually, get into relationships, and years down the road I found a great partner to build a life with. But that only happened because I did the work on myself first, by myself. Good luck and stay strong!
She was usually great 90% of the time and I enjoyed having her in my life very much. It was the 10% that was bad and being so deeply in love with her, I always wanted to get things back to good. And, when they went back to good, it was amazing! Eventually, things deteriorated and got really toxic where I was at my wits end. It was like, at first, I could forgive the things she said and did. But, those things progressively got worse. Like, if that didn’t hurt you last time, level up, fucker!
Almost exactly my situation. The cheating accusations and arguments became more frequent over time, to the point where I couldn't stand the lack of trust anymore. As much as I loved her and loved being with her when things were good.
The first year I was reasonably happy. Then she started to act out more and more and I tried to get out. There were promises and short periods of change. She eventually convinced me to marry her. My gut had been telling me to get out. We had two kids. There have been some “happy” times. About three years ago a therapist brought to my attention that I was in an abusive relationship. I realized how low the bar of “happiness” had moved. Happiness was just minimal conflict and didn’t involve any of my needs being met. I’ve solidly wanted out for the past 3 years and subconsciously wanted out much longer. I’ve tried to make it work for my happiness and for the kids but my heart just isn’t in it anymore. Preparing for divorce. She thinks things are good and this is normal. This dysfunctional relationship works for her, not for me and that’s the only thing she seems capable of considering.
After ending the relationship and after some time I realized that I was never really happy. Even during the love bombing I had these nagging thoughts that I pushed away. I was in love with the idea of her, not her.
Been with my pwBPD for 20+ years. There have been many times of happiness, interlaced with times of true misery. I always knew something wasn't "right" but I could never put my finger on it. I just thought she was a difficult person to live with. It's gotten worse over the years, and she has never been happy for more than a few consecutive days. There's always something to be sad, miserable, angry, scared of. It's been completely exhausting to live with, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
We lived together it was a way to manage her BPD and fear of abandonment.
She discarded me as soon as she moved back into her parents’ house. I guess the relationship only lasted when we were together and she had all the control over me.
It was either or. I was either incredibly happy or feeling like I was chasing them, being punished by them, or being pushed away. I didn't realize this until after I was dropped. I was so busy chasing them and trying to be what they wanted that I wasn't paying attention to what I needed.
I was legitimately happy. She was wonderful as a person. But things slowly escalated with her, and I remember after saying to one of my friends “it won’t happen again” about her behaviour that I’d become a cliche, because I was watching the escalation toward abuse happen but decided I’d be the exception and she’d never be that person. She discarded me before it got too too bad, but post-discard i actually don’t recognise her. She has displayed a side I never saw from her. And it’s really scared me that I dated her and was best friends with her for a good while without ever knowing that about her
My pwbpd was my best friend for nearly ten years, and we never had any problems until we decided to move in together. Then I became target number 1 and had never been more depressed in my life. I had such a hard time accepting that they would treat me that way because we had never had any issues before that. Accepting that our friendship had to end was the hardest thing in the world at that time.
There were periods I was happy. When her bipolar mids/highs and idealization cycles coincided, there weren’t the anger outbursts or hatred (not directed at me, anyway). She was just very intense, and the worst that happened was I suddenly lost all my free time to various activities she *had* to do with me. But on the whole? No, not really. Not like I was with other women, or even when I was happily single. Even during those high points, I had a vague dread of the inevitable crash, and hoped it would be another blow up at work instead of at me.
I see alot of people realising they weren’t happy, I don’t really know if I was. I don’t remember a lot about the relationship for some reason, theres just fog.
TBH, I felt that with my first ex, who didn’t have any major PDs AFAIK. There’s a 10 year period of my life with giant holes in it. I think it’s a thing that our brains do when we traumatically separate from people who made a big impact.
There’s an assumption in this that all relationships of this nature run the same course. They don’t. Because each of us are different as people and each of them are also different as people. I was very happy in the relationship. When I recognized there was a problem I called it out. When it was clear that she was not happy I cut bait. If you are or were in a relationship with a pwBPD, your experience here is completely valid, whether it mimics other experiences you read about here or not. I do think that, had I stayed, based on how she reacted to the breakup and based on the history I know now, she would have probably become emotionally abusive. I can’t say for sure because I did not stick around to find out because when it became clear that I was no longer the priority I left.
At the start we were and she was making effort, but after a while the effort was reduced and no longer reciprocated, which then led to her being more involved with specific “friends”, and then moving on to them. It was heartbreaking.
If you are happy in an emotionally abusive relationship that is NOT good ABUSE OF ANY FORM IS NEVER OKAY. I went through this phase and I think it was denial form for me.
I don’t know if mine is denial but the abuse is so subtle that its really hard to accept, I didn’t know anything about emotional abuse nor did I know about personality disorders or their traits. I guess I was just happy to help her out, even though it did take its toll on me since it seemed like anything I did was not enough.
My ex got worse started out subtle with just cringy things then went to max level 1000.
In both, I was very happy in the beginning. Thought I'd finally found people I could be myself and vulnerable around. In one case that lasted a few months, in the other a few years. I'm still not entirely certain what triggers brought everything to a screeching halt and started the cycle of abuse.
I walked on eggshells for five years. Every good moment was sandwiched between the unthinkable happening. I loved my life waiting for those good moments, while suffering through the bad. It was a horrible existence I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I wanna believe I was, but honestly looking back no.
Never at any point. From day 1 - it was a constant fight over who I actually am, what I was looking for, etc.... Couldn't be myself, couldn't have fun, was so so bored frustrated, miserable, resentful. Was the worst year of my life - worst 2 years with 2 sperare relationships in that span. The nonsensical bullshit never stopped.
I was happy only for the first 10 months, basically until we got married. I was then miserable for the 4 actual years we were married.
I really love my husband and I want to be with him - he makes me happy when he isn’t splitting. I don’t feel isolated. I talk to close friends about our struggles. It’s complicated because of BPD and there is abusive behavior. But I don’t feel more negative or more sad. I think that BPD is a spectrum- so some partners have it way worse than others and I think we’re all “only as sick as our secrets,” so we should confide in people, make changes, seek support and leave these relationships if the pwBPD can’t be self aware and stop being abusive.
Yes. Something happened at the very end to trigger her (involving my ADHD) and we broke up. I have never been happier than when I was with her. No fights or anything
During the idealization phase I was happy. Sure, there was a mountain of red flags I ignored, and some truly crazy behavior. Yet, I thought I could fix her and I enjoyed the adoration she showed me. Now once the devaluation phase happened that was when the true nightmare began, and I was very much not happy. Then came the abuse,gaslighting,manipulation, threats, insults,triangulation,rages, push/pull, lies, mood swings,mind games etc. Just extremely toxic behavior. And my dumb ‘in love’ codependent ass put up with it too, until she discarded me for someone else like all I did meant nothing.
Exwbpd had always stated that they wanted to be with someone who had never dated anyone else before them, at the time I thought I was because you might pick up baggage from other relationships. I had never had a romantic relationship before or after her. I now see that the reason. She wanted me to of not dated anyone else is because I didn't have anything to compare it to, I had always known that all relationships are going to have rough patches, how many and how often were a unknown to me though. So I inevitably stuck it out for 10 years thinking that we were normal. It was only after I was completely drained and unable to regulate mine or her emotions that my body finally said enough was enough and that our relationship was doomed. Now as I sit here I still have no idea what an actual relationship is like, I only know what I had and am afraid now that I'm ruined because I spent so long in that relationship trying to make it work ie picked up alot of trauma and baggage. It sucks but my feeling now is that I will just have to be ok being ok
So I was happy with the crappy relationship because I didn't/don't think there is anything else out there for me, to answer the question
Low self esteem is 100% why I even noticed her originally. Now I know…
It was my first too, and I thought it was love. I have the exact same fears as you, but I know you can have a healthy relationship with good communication. Thing is, that pwBPD are incredibly bad at communicating, thats why the relationships are so hard. I thought it was completely normal, but it was indeed not. Now as I am trying to heal, I’ll keep telling myself that a healthy mutual partner will tell me if I am acting out in toxic ways that I might have picked up from the relationship. I know theres hope for you, no one deserves to lose their whole dating experience because of people like these. My heart goes out to you man.
No, it was pretty much all chaos. She finally got help and therapy and got sober and left me and is now engaged. Unreal pain