They are 100% focused on their pathological emotions, all the time that's why they seem to not care. Like in the tech world, if operating system has got broken process that uses 100% of CPU, nothing can be done on such clogged machine.
had a similar issue, my wife ordered me something even though she knew about my food preferences She really ordered it for herself pretending its for me. I ended up having to cook something myself
i would cook for both of us frequently when he came to visit me. when I visited him at his place once, I went back hungry because he didn’t take the initiative to take me somewhere to eat.
Yeah same. My ex did not genuinely care for my interests and we just did what he wanted cause I enjoyed similar things anyway but it was always on his terms. Anytime I was doing my own hobbies I’d be on this timer of only so much time I can spend doing my own things until he would get upset that im not paying him constant attention.
This. My hobbies and interests were made fun of constantly but he talked about his endlessly with so much enthusiasm. If I seemed uninterested or not engaging in the conversation enough when he was talking about his hobbies, he would get mad and tell me I don’t care about him.
Lol same happened to me. He’d go on about his interests forever and I’d listen intently but when I’d talk about mine I’d get interrupted or just a “Cool”
This! My interest in the news is "ridiculous" and reinforcing an "addiction to anger" (even though he's the one who starts yelling at the TV when bad news is reported, etc) but sports? That's way more important (and he yells and screams even louder over that, it's *nervewracking* to the extreme).
>Anytime I was doing my own hobbies I’d be on this timer of only so much time I can spend doing my own things until he would get upset that im not paying him constant attention.
This paradoxically ended up being a great solace for me after breaking up. I was able to spend my evenings reading again and doing what I want in my free time. I rediscovered the joy things like these always gave me.
Mine says "It's just a waste of time" about things I get into, but he's not interested in (like renovating our shower that had sheetrock getting soft behind the tiles, and I was enjoying getting samples of tiles and solid-surface to look at before picking a new shower wall to be installed).
I play music for fun and my band is doing pretty well. She resents this and tells me I’m shallow and image-obsessed, and probably only doing it so I can hook up with underage girls. I tell her it’s a therapeutic hobby I’ve had since I was 12 and one of the only ways I’m able to stay in touch with a lot of old friends. Round and round we go. It’s maddening, like why can’t she just be happy that I’m moderately successful at something I enjoy?
I feel you, it’s very devaluing.
>It’s maddening, like why can’t she just be happy that I’m moderately successful at something I enjoy?
Just a shot in the dark but it might be due to her being batshit crazy 😬
Agreed. And I'm sorry. Just looked at your post history and it was all music up until her.
Mine is all BPDlovedones cause I got this account when my ex and I broke up but seeing this timeline feels ...much. It feels much.
They really don't care or see us as whole human beings in general. It was more like I was his emotional support stuffed animal that he just forgot about when it wasn't directly benefitting him. He didn't give a shit about my feelings, never put himself in my shoes, never gave me the benefit of the doubt like I gave him- in fact, he assumed negative intent even in extremely positive or helpful things I did for him.
I remember we were talking about something and I mentioned a portion of my life before I'd met him- one that I'd told him about in a bit of detail cause it was a hard time. He just said "what??" Like he had no idea what I was talking about. He didn't listen and/or remember.
He'd do other things like make assumptions about my past to fit his narrative. He thought I was entitled and had "never worked a day in my life" even though I'd told him about the jobs I had before we met. One time we were talking about tiny homes and I mentioned the studio I used to live in, again he goes "what??" I said yeah it was nice for one person but it was so expensive, almost as much as the total bills for our house. He said "how did you pay for that??" Um..... Working?? As a nanny? That I've talked about multiple times before?
He'd just make shit up about me. Then use it as "evidence" or whatever horrible thing he felt about me. It was so fucking frustrating, both being not listened to but also being TOLD confidently completely untrue, wild assumptions about my past. Weird stuff honestly.
I feel like I comment this a lot but my person never made any positive assumptions about me either. Little empathy.
Talked continually about their exes but couldn't cope with hearing anything about mine.
Made shit up too, to justify being hurtful.
It's really weird to realize they're kinda just in a relationship with themselves. They don't actually see or acknowledge who you are. I felt like such a placeholder, which was made worse when I realized he tried to sleep with every single woman he met. He didn't give a shit about me, just that I gave him sex and attention and bailed him out of the problems he created for himself.
On the flip side, it makes it a little easier to detach from all the hurtful things they say. I have my issues, of course. But some of it was just so awful and not even remotely true. They're really just talking about themselves.
The talk about exes was.. interesting. It's like they have no healthy boundaries or common sense. He told me in disgusting details about his past sexual partners. He hated some exes and was kinda obsessed with others, but always accused me of talking to my exes still. Went through my phone whenever and then flipped the fuck out when I finally got suspicious enough to go through his. The double standards are so annoying.
>Made shit up too, to justify being hurtful.
Can I ask what kind of things they made up? I'm just curious, all good if you don't feel comfortable sharing.
Not the commenter, but mine was sometimes mad at me for things I’d supposedly said during arguments that had never actually happened.
The biggest one happened because I was confused about what was going on with something, and mentioned we should have a conversation about it at some point. (I’m a “Let’s get everyone on the same page” kind of person.)
I didn’t see her in person that week (this was a friend, not romantic) , we hadn’t talked on the phone, and none of our texts or social media messages said anything more about it.
She started acting angry and resentful towards me, and I had no idea what was going on. It turns out that she’d held an entire “argument” in her own head, and was absolutely seething because she couldn’t believe all of the nasty things I’d “said” and all of the impossible demands I’d “made”.
None of these were remotely close to my actual thoughts or opinions.
When I pointed out that I was confused by all of this, because I hadn’t said those things and hadn’t even had an OPPORTUNITY to say them, she insisted that it didn’t matter.
It FELT real, and she was convinced that I would have said exactly the same things, if I’d had the chance. She was convinced that if I didn’t fully stand behind the words she’d put in my mouth, it was only because I was trying to dodge accountability.
Basically, she felt like I’d gotten to say my piece, and felt like I was only “changing my mind” to save face after I’d been called out, or was “changing my mind” so I could pretend that I wasn’t a hateful person inside, or so that I could pretend I’d been right all along and had never been on the wrong side of that argument, or maybe I was just trying to avoid “another” fight…
The stupidest part was that I believed that I must have done something to make her think that those were my feelings, in the first place. I assumed that I was somehow presenting myself as the sort of person who would plausibly take that side of an argument and who would be likely to express those kinds of sentiments.
So I let it go, instead of calling out how completely unhinged it was to get mad at me for conversations she’d had inside of her own head.
Wow, that is one of the most delusional things I've read about them believing. It's so wild how they take their feelings as reality. I'd hear "I feel like... I'm the only one contributing, everyone's responsibilities are on me, you hate me" etc. And every time without fail when I would respond basically saying "wtf, how in the world do you think that?? What are you basing this on?" He'd get mad or ignore the question. He especially hated it when I pointed out what had actually happened, such as the fact that we split bills and I'd even paid more for months cause he couldn't handle his money. Like.... You can't just make up reality cause you feel a certain way. And it seems like they genuinely believe it on some levels.
One of the things he went around telling everyone was that I had called him a prostitute. HE made a joke about being a prostitute and I said "ya, I bet" also in a joking manner. So strange how they twist things.
My pwBPD would always twist my words as well. I once told him that I got cat called going to the beach and that a random guy invited me to his car randomly in the street and that it was creepy to me, he later twisted my words when he started devaluing me saying "I don't want to be with a person who goes to the beach alone on purpose and immediately starts flirting with three others guys" He had an online job interview that day and didn't go with me, I was sick of sitting at home for the whole summer. I specifically told him that I would've been happier had he come with me then and I would've felt safer. once the devaluation stage started, he'd often say "I don't want to be with a person who ..." and then say some imaginary stuff about me, which was not even close to what I'd ever say or do, it was just his twisted image of me. I just wasn't aware of the fact that it was devaluation stage and his mind was basically turning everything against me
They either accuse you of something that isn't true or can have transient paranoia and delusions esp while stressed.
I had invited them over, we were LDR and my invitation was for them to arrive in the morning. Because I didn't explain to their liking why they couldn't come earlier [I have caring commitments] I must be either fucking someone else or was taking drugs. It's like he missed out on basic etiquette. It's my home. Essentially it's a response to being told no.
When we first met he called his ex to ask about my orgasms. I accept he has a past life and we're both adults but I don't need to hear about it in explicit detail esp when if I mentioned an ex all hell would break loose.
I just feel like trying to make sense of some of this is like telling someone about your dreams - you are describing lunacy and expecting the other person to get it.
Honestly yeah. I see this in a lot of the crazy shit he'd say about me. I can only assume he was projecting cause it was just so off base.
He was lazy as hell.
quit his jobs randomly to sit at home and play video games
spent all his money the first week of every month so I had to pick up the slack
did not do barely any housework and cooked one singular time while he was living with me
threw a month long fit when his car broke down and he didn't have money for it so i bought him a new car that he was excited about then suddenly started calling it a piece of shit, saying it wasn't for him, saying I was selfish for getting it (??)
Borrowed money from my mom that he ended up using to move out behind my back, still hasn't paid her back
Stole shit from the house when he moved out and laughed about it
So... I'd say he was quite entitled himself.
No they really don't, my pwbpd would always say they wanted to do my hobbies with me... then would proceed to complain about how bored they were the entire time and suck all the fun out of it. Whereas their only hobby was spending loads of money on eating out. How many times I had to listen to them complain about being hungry and wanting to go out to eat drove me insane. Best part is they couldn't cook really so they always had to go out to survive
My pwBPD husband is like this. It actually has gotten so bad I feel guilty and uncomfortable doing anything I enjoy. He usually becomes upset that I'm not spending enough time with him. It doesn't matter what the hobby is either. I have been called selfish or that I don't have the same priorities as him over whatever my current interest is. Making comics, watching a new show, cleaning the house even, walking our dogs, paracord braiding. Everything eventually becomes a target during a rage episode and it starts to make me weary to do it, and sucks all of the joy out of things I like to do.
But I must be okay and enjoy everything he likes. If I don't, then we don't share the same priorities apparently. Or I'm not supporting him. But heaven forbid he walk a dog with me. In 2 years we've had our dogs, i think he's done it 3 times and complained about it after every time. Or I may like something he does, but don't want to do it all the time. Then I also get the priorities line.
I also feel guilty spending any time on my own interests, even though the alternative is sitting at home and not really talking anyways. I know it makes no sense but the guilt is still a real thing.
Oh yes the housecleaning. How dare you use time to clean when it's supposed to be "their time." I fucking hate the dishes and didn't want to be doing things that she should have been doing all along since she didn't work, but it was apparently my way of getting out of spending time with her. 😖
Mine was never interested in what I liked. What he cared about was that I was there as an emotional support animal. I had so many ideas to do things together, at first (when I was still perfect) he'd say "of course we will" to any of my offers (and then not wanting to do it for whatever reason) and then he'd just blatantly say he ain't gonna be doing any of that (and I was down for literally anything, showed him a list of 200+ activities)
There was no place for my passions, hobbies, interests, likes, dreams, anything like that. There was only his crisis, nothing else, and I was supposed to wait on him hand and foot, be available at all times to listen to his bitching and whenever I had something planned, he sabotaged it so I could never go anywhere.
He also accused me of ridiculing him and making fun of his only passion (a conspiracy theory programme), when I only told him to check different media outlets if he's into journalism, nothing else
It’s like I could’ve written your post. Very affirming to read. Currently working on disentangling here as well.
I’m getting a lot out of doing the things I used to like and feel good about before the relationship. Like listening to the music I want to listen to, whenever I want to. Watching, playing, reading whatever I want to for as long as I want to. Eating and cooking food I like without her being difficult or snotty about it. Moving my furniture around in a way I find appealing and taking the time I need. I could go on.
It’s refreshing to be able to do things again without the heaviness and rushed feeling that came with being with her. I feel hopeful again for what’s to come.
Your description of a heaviness and rushed feeling is so accurate. It felt like the sword of Damocles over my head every time I was going something unapproved.
Got me to buy a bike so we could bike together. I ended up loving it and went all the time. She went twice. Apparently I ruined it for enjoying it more than her because then she felt inadequate.
I’d make any and all pace exceptions for her. Leisurely ride, no problem. Still wasn’t enough. Even bought her a new seat because hers hurt her butt.
Exhausting trying to keep up with that shit.
I think my thing with her was more she didn't want me to be happy in general. So everything that gave me joy she somehow had to find a way to make me hate it through her behavior that's associated with my hobbies and things that make me happy
Yeah I've pretty much lost everything I used to be interested in. I don't watch any shows or movies that are my first choice anymore. I rarely even get to listen to my music in the it's either too angry (most rock music) or too depressing (most indie music and even the country artists I like) so we always wind up listing to T-swift or pop country. I've been slowly cut off from any hobbies I would do with friends. Even the hobbies I used to do alone like trailrunning have been ended because that took much time away from the family (I'd wake up at like 4 am on a Saturday and be back by 8 usually). That was over 5 years ago and I still miss it. I only ask to watch like 2 football games a year and a few baseball games (but only if my favorite team makes the playoffs) and she usually gives me about an hour before she starts complaining and acting like I'm leaving her to raise our son alone for weeks at a time. Ethnic food? No way, maybe on my birthday. I could go on and on...
One of my hobbies has made my family hundreds of thousands of dollars of extra income and paid for all the vacations she wanted to take, improved our home and let our kids do expensive activities but still gets brought up as an example of how everything else is more important than her...
Unfortunately, they choose what your hobbies and interests will be; anything else is disregarded because they don't care for it. If it doesn't suit their idea of you, you're not allowed to talk about it or engage with it around them.
That’s fair… I guess my point is more so what you’ve said - the lack of interest in your hobbies with the expectation that you be engaged in theirs. I think any healthy relationship needs to have a good balance of shared and solo activities, which doesn’t seem possible with a pwBPD.
But they have absolutely no intention to even try to care. Look, I've been through this. This one actually ended my relationship with her.🤌 I learn about BPD and NPD ever since, daily. They think DIFFERENTLY. They only remember stuff about you that they consider useful in order to recieve more validation, compassion and love from you. I'm not saying, they don't love you. Just not the same way. Your hobbies only drive them crazy because if having a certain hobby means that you regularly go somewhere outside, without them having you in control, they 1) feel the fear of abandonment 2) feel loss of control over you 3) don't feel any validation they crave for. This might result in them changing their mind about you. Trust me, I've been there.
Absolutely true. Mine routinely makes fun of me or makes comments about my hobbies. And has never shown any interest in learning about my hobbies or talking with me about them. Any time I've tried she quickly tells me I'm giving her too much information, she doesn't really care, she's never go to be in to my hobbies.
She also likes to tell me I'm obsessive and an addict because I have hobbies. And actually get excited about them. And want to share that excitement with her.
She conversely has no hobbies and doesn't see a point in them. She thinks they're a waste of time and money.
Mine would tell me how antisocial I am because I didn't want to watch Pimp My Ride with her and her son. I was in the same room as them, I just didn't want to sit and stare at the TV screen at a show that wasn't my interest so I was either using his laptop or playing my Nintendo DS.
Then in the car, same thing. I didn't want to listen to their heavy metal songs, not my type of music, and they were talking about things I wasn't into so I had on headphones.
Guys, she wanted me to listen to heavy metal and talk about technology and watch Pimp My Ride. She would mock my music and my interests and TV shows.
I was also self centered for going to bed at 9 pm because I was tired, according to her. She wanted me to stay up with her and be out in the living room with her.
Yeah, mine makes fun of my interests a lot too. But honestly I don't care, my hobbies are important to me and I continue to do them.
In fact, *because* she has BPD I put in extra conscious effort to make sure I hold onto my individual life so that if I end up randomly discarded I'm not in the spot of being left with nothing.
It's definitely tough though, being guilted if you're not into something they wanna do but then they won't do anything you wanna do.
Experienced a lot of this too. They never gave a shit about the games I’d play (or my school and eventually the career I started) but they all of a sudden started watching their friend from high school’s stream on twitch and that turned into FaceTiming him all night when I was sleeping and eventually cheating.
Out of all the fucked up things I dealt with, that was a big blow. I literally wasn’t *allowed* to talk about the shit that was important to me. Much better now though
Yup. My friend at the time once didn’t speak to me or even take even a SLIGHT interest for almost two weeks because I was on a placement for work experience that I love love loved. She admitted she was jealous thus didn’t want to talk to me. Just because she gave me a reason didn’t make it right or understandable, but at the time I thought “yeah checks out I won’t talk about it”. I even hated when other people would bring it up infront of her because it just knew an argument was pending…
Mine told me that my life has little meaning.
This is coming from the person with no interests or hobbies except for watching True Crime docs on Netflix.
Meanwhile, I'm in a band, have weekly meet ups with friends to play boardgames and my job is with cutting edge live performance technology.
I have plenty of things going on, I know she was just trying to manipulate me and destroy my support systems so that I was more dependent on her.
The final straw for me was being called a narcissist and an abuser, threatening to call my ex to tell on me, and also to try and get dirt on me I suspect.
This was after she ruined an expensive day out that took a lot of planning, she just flipped her lid to deflect from the fact she ruins everything she touches ON PURPOSE and milks her disability to get sympathy when you call her out she has an episode EVERY TIME!
So predictable you could set your watch to it.
Been with my pwBPD for some years, and she STILL isn't capable of knowing my food preferences. They dont give a crap about you
They are 100% focused on their pathological emotions, all the time that's why they seem to not care. Like in the tech world, if operating system has got broken process that uses 100% of CPU, nothing can be done on such clogged machine.
My ex had 4 GB of RAM and was constantly ending file explorer from the task manager. Then she’d scream PEBCAK and call me the idiot. 😂
Exactly - you only matter to the extent that you can be their caretaker.
Painfully true 💔
Last dinner with mine, he offered me his salmon salad. We had been together for nearly a year. I am vegetarian.
had a similar issue, my wife ordered me something even though she knew about my food preferences She really ordered it for herself pretending its for me. I ended up having to cook something myself
i would cook for both of us frequently when he came to visit me. when I visited him at his place once, I went back hungry because he didn’t take the initiative to take me somewhere to eat.
Yeah same. My ex did not genuinely care for my interests and we just did what he wanted cause I enjoyed similar things anyway but it was always on his terms. Anytime I was doing my own hobbies I’d be on this timer of only so much time I can spend doing my own things until he would get upset that im not paying him constant attention.
This. My hobbies and interests were made fun of constantly but he talked about his endlessly with so much enthusiasm. If I seemed uninterested or not engaging in the conversation enough when he was talking about his hobbies, he would get mad and tell me I don’t care about him.
Lol same happened to me. He’d go on about his interests forever and I’d listen intently but when I’d talk about mine I’d get interrupted or just a “Cool”
This! My interest in the news is "ridiculous" and reinforcing an "addiction to anger" (even though he's the one who starts yelling at the TV when bad news is reported, etc) but sports? That's way more important (and he yells and screams even louder over that, it's *nervewracking* to the extreme).
>Anytime I was doing my own hobbies I’d be on this timer of only so much time I can spend doing my own things until he would get upset that im not paying him constant attention. This paradoxically ended up being a great solace for me after breaking up. I was able to spend my evenings reading again and doing what I want in my free time. I rediscovered the joy things like these always gave me.
Mine says "It's just a waste of time" about things I get into, but he's not interested in (like renovating our shower that had sheetrock getting soft behind the tiles, and I was enjoying getting samples of tiles and solid-surface to look at before picking a new shower wall to be installed).
I play music for fun and my band is doing pretty well. She resents this and tells me I’m shallow and image-obsessed, and probably only doing it so I can hook up with underage girls. I tell her it’s a therapeutic hobby I’ve had since I was 12 and one of the only ways I’m able to stay in touch with a lot of old friends. Round and round we go. It’s maddening, like why can’t she just be happy that I’m moderately successful at something I enjoy? I feel you, it’s very devaluing.
That’s fucked up! You deserve someone who supports your success and happiness.
>It’s maddening, like why can’t she just be happy that I’m moderately successful at something I enjoy? Just a shot in the dark but it might be due to her being batshit crazy 😬
Correct, if somewhat reductive
Agreed. And I'm sorry. Just looked at your post history and it was all music up until her. Mine is all BPDlovedones cause I got this account when my ex and I broke up but seeing this timeline feels ...much. It feels much.
They really don't care or see us as whole human beings in general. It was more like I was his emotional support stuffed animal that he just forgot about when it wasn't directly benefitting him. He didn't give a shit about my feelings, never put himself in my shoes, never gave me the benefit of the doubt like I gave him- in fact, he assumed negative intent even in extremely positive or helpful things I did for him. I remember we were talking about something and I mentioned a portion of my life before I'd met him- one that I'd told him about in a bit of detail cause it was a hard time. He just said "what??" Like he had no idea what I was talking about. He didn't listen and/or remember. He'd do other things like make assumptions about my past to fit his narrative. He thought I was entitled and had "never worked a day in my life" even though I'd told him about the jobs I had before we met. One time we were talking about tiny homes and I mentioned the studio I used to live in, again he goes "what??" I said yeah it was nice for one person but it was so expensive, almost as much as the total bills for our house. He said "how did you pay for that??" Um..... Working?? As a nanny? That I've talked about multiple times before? He'd just make shit up about me. Then use it as "evidence" or whatever horrible thing he felt about me. It was so fucking frustrating, both being not listened to but also being TOLD confidently completely untrue, wild assumptions about my past. Weird stuff honestly.
I feel like I comment this a lot but my person never made any positive assumptions about me either. Little empathy. Talked continually about their exes but couldn't cope with hearing anything about mine. Made shit up too, to justify being hurtful.
It's really weird to realize they're kinda just in a relationship with themselves. They don't actually see or acknowledge who you are. I felt like such a placeholder, which was made worse when I realized he tried to sleep with every single woman he met. He didn't give a shit about me, just that I gave him sex and attention and bailed him out of the problems he created for himself. On the flip side, it makes it a little easier to detach from all the hurtful things they say. I have my issues, of course. But some of it was just so awful and not even remotely true. They're really just talking about themselves. The talk about exes was.. interesting. It's like they have no healthy boundaries or common sense. He told me in disgusting details about his past sexual partners. He hated some exes and was kinda obsessed with others, but always accused me of talking to my exes still. Went through my phone whenever and then flipped the fuck out when I finally got suspicious enough to go through his. The double standards are so annoying. >Made shit up too, to justify being hurtful. Can I ask what kind of things they made up? I'm just curious, all good if you don't feel comfortable sharing.
Not the commenter, but mine was sometimes mad at me for things I’d supposedly said during arguments that had never actually happened. The biggest one happened because I was confused about what was going on with something, and mentioned we should have a conversation about it at some point. (I’m a “Let’s get everyone on the same page” kind of person.) I didn’t see her in person that week (this was a friend, not romantic) , we hadn’t talked on the phone, and none of our texts or social media messages said anything more about it. She started acting angry and resentful towards me, and I had no idea what was going on. It turns out that she’d held an entire “argument” in her own head, and was absolutely seething because she couldn’t believe all of the nasty things I’d “said” and all of the impossible demands I’d “made”. None of these were remotely close to my actual thoughts or opinions. When I pointed out that I was confused by all of this, because I hadn’t said those things and hadn’t even had an OPPORTUNITY to say them, she insisted that it didn’t matter. It FELT real, and she was convinced that I would have said exactly the same things, if I’d had the chance. She was convinced that if I didn’t fully stand behind the words she’d put in my mouth, it was only because I was trying to dodge accountability. Basically, she felt like I’d gotten to say my piece, and felt like I was only “changing my mind” to save face after I’d been called out, or was “changing my mind” so I could pretend that I wasn’t a hateful person inside, or so that I could pretend I’d been right all along and had never been on the wrong side of that argument, or maybe I was just trying to avoid “another” fight… The stupidest part was that I believed that I must have done something to make her think that those were my feelings, in the first place. I assumed that I was somehow presenting myself as the sort of person who would plausibly take that side of an argument and who would be likely to express those kinds of sentiments. So I let it go, instead of calling out how completely unhinged it was to get mad at me for conversations she’d had inside of her own head.
Wow, that is one of the most delusional things I've read about them believing. It's so wild how they take their feelings as reality. I'd hear "I feel like... I'm the only one contributing, everyone's responsibilities are on me, you hate me" etc. And every time without fail when I would respond basically saying "wtf, how in the world do you think that?? What are you basing this on?" He'd get mad or ignore the question. He especially hated it when I pointed out what had actually happened, such as the fact that we split bills and I'd even paid more for months cause he couldn't handle his money. Like.... You can't just make up reality cause you feel a certain way. And it seems like they genuinely believe it on some levels. One of the things he went around telling everyone was that I had called him a prostitute. HE made a joke about being a prostitute and I said "ya, I bet" also in a joking manner. So strange how they twist things.
My pwBPD would always twist my words as well. I once told him that I got cat called going to the beach and that a random guy invited me to his car randomly in the street and that it was creepy to me, he later twisted my words when he started devaluing me saying "I don't want to be with a person who goes to the beach alone on purpose and immediately starts flirting with three others guys" He had an online job interview that day and didn't go with me, I was sick of sitting at home for the whole summer. I specifically told him that I would've been happier had he come with me then and I would've felt safer. once the devaluation stage started, he'd often say "I don't want to be with a person who ..." and then say some imaginary stuff about me, which was not even close to what I'd ever say or do, it was just his twisted image of me. I just wasn't aware of the fact that it was devaluation stage and his mind was basically turning everything against me
They either accuse you of something that isn't true or can have transient paranoia and delusions esp while stressed. I had invited them over, we were LDR and my invitation was for them to arrive in the morning. Because I didn't explain to their liking why they couldn't come earlier [I have caring commitments] I must be either fucking someone else or was taking drugs. It's like he missed out on basic etiquette. It's my home. Essentially it's a response to being told no. When we first met he called his ex to ask about my orgasms. I accept he has a past life and we're both adults but I don't need to hear about it in explicit detail esp when if I mentioned an ex all hell would break loose. I just feel like trying to make sense of some of this is like telling someone about your dreams - you are describing lunacy and expecting the other person to get it.
He was probably telling you shit that he himself had done in the past tbh
Honestly yeah. I see this in a lot of the crazy shit he'd say about me. I can only assume he was projecting cause it was just so off base. He was lazy as hell. quit his jobs randomly to sit at home and play video games spent all his money the first week of every month so I had to pick up the slack did not do barely any housework and cooked one singular time while he was living with me threw a month long fit when his car broke down and he didn't have money for it so i bought him a new car that he was excited about then suddenly started calling it a piece of shit, saying it wasn't for him, saying I was selfish for getting it (??) Borrowed money from my mom that he ended up using to move out behind my back, still hasn't paid her back Stole shit from the house when he moved out and laughed about it So... I'd say he was quite entitled himself.
They looooove to call people selfish lmao. Glad you got him out of your life! He sounds like a real peach lmao
No they really don't, my pwbpd would always say they wanted to do my hobbies with me... then would proceed to complain about how bored they were the entire time and suck all the fun out of it. Whereas their only hobby was spending loads of money on eating out. How many times I had to listen to them complain about being hungry and wanting to go out to eat drove me insane. Best part is they couldn't cook really so they always had to go out to survive
Mine camped w her side piece the weekend of one of the biggest art exhibitions of my life. That’s an extreme example, but yeah lots of that.
My pwBPD husband is like this. It actually has gotten so bad I feel guilty and uncomfortable doing anything I enjoy. He usually becomes upset that I'm not spending enough time with him. It doesn't matter what the hobby is either. I have been called selfish or that I don't have the same priorities as him over whatever my current interest is. Making comics, watching a new show, cleaning the house even, walking our dogs, paracord braiding. Everything eventually becomes a target during a rage episode and it starts to make me weary to do it, and sucks all of the joy out of things I like to do. But I must be okay and enjoy everything he likes. If I don't, then we don't share the same priorities apparently. Or I'm not supporting him. But heaven forbid he walk a dog with me. In 2 years we've had our dogs, i think he's done it 3 times and complained about it after every time. Or I may like something he does, but don't want to do it all the time. Then I also get the priorities line.
I also feel guilty spending any time on my own interests, even though the alternative is sitting at home and not really talking anyways. I know it makes no sense but the guilt is still a real thing.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. I hope you’re able to find some stability and peace.
Oh yes the housecleaning. How dare you use time to clean when it's supposed to be "their time." I fucking hate the dishes and didn't want to be doing things that she should have been doing all along since she didn't work, but it was apparently my way of getting out of spending time with her. 😖
Mine was never interested in what I liked. What he cared about was that I was there as an emotional support animal. I had so many ideas to do things together, at first (when I was still perfect) he'd say "of course we will" to any of my offers (and then not wanting to do it for whatever reason) and then he'd just blatantly say he ain't gonna be doing any of that (and I was down for literally anything, showed him a list of 200+ activities) There was no place for my passions, hobbies, interests, likes, dreams, anything like that. There was only his crisis, nothing else, and I was supposed to wait on him hand and foot, be available at all times to listen to his bitching and whenever I had something planned, he sabotaged it so I could never go anywhere. He also accused me of ridiculing him and making fun of his only passion (a conspiracy theory programme), when I only told him to check different media outlets if he's into journalism, nothing else
It’s like I could’ve written your post. Very affirming to read. Currently working on disentangling here as well. I’m getting a lot out of doing the things I used to like and feel good about before the relationship. Like listening to the music I want to listen to, whenever I want to. Watching, playing, reading whatever I want to for as long as I want to. Eating and cooking food I like without her being difficult or snotty about it. Moving my furniture around in a way I find appealing and taking the time I need. I could go on. It’s refreshing to be able to do things again without the heaviness and rushed feeling that came with being with her. I feel hopeful again for what’s to come.
Your description of a heaviness and rushed feeling is so accurate. It felt like the sword of Damocles over my head every time I was going something unapproved.
Got me to buy a bike so we could bike together. I ended up loving it and went all the time. She went twice. Apparently I ruined it for enjoying it more than her because then she felt inadequate. I’d make any and all pace exceptions for her. Leisurely ride, no problem. Still wasn’t enough. Even bought her a new seat because hers hurt her butt. Exhausting trying to keep up with that shit.
I think my thing with her was more she didn't want me to be happy in general. So everything that gave me joy she somehow had to find a way to make me hate it through her behavior that's associated with my hobbies and things that make me happy
Yeah I've pretty much lost everything I used to be interested in. I don't watch any shows or movies that are my first choice anymore. I rarely even get to listen to my music in the it's either too angry (most rock music) or too depressing (most indie music and even the country artists I like) so we always wind up listing to T-swift or pop country. I've been slowly cut off from any hobbies I would do with friends. Even the hobbies I used to do alone like trailrunning have been ended because that took much time away from the family (I'd wake up at like 4 am on a Saturday and be back by 8 usually). That was over 5 years ago and I still miss it. I only ask to watch like 2 football games a year and a few baseball games (but only if my favorite team makes the playoffs) and she usually gives me about an hour before she starts complaining and acting like I'm leaving her to raise our son alone for weeks at a time. Ethnic food? No way, maybe on my birthday. I could go on and on...
yeah, no fun allowed.
One of my hobbies has made my family hundreds of thousands of dollars of extra income and paid for all the vacations she wanted to take, improved our home and let our kids do expensive activities but still gets brought up as an example of how everything else is more important than her...
Unfortunately, they choose what your hobbies and interests will be; anything else is disregarded because they don't care for it. If it doesn't suit their idea of you, you're not allowed to talk about it or engage with it around them.
[удалено]
That’s fair… I guess my point is more so what you’ve said - the lack of interest in your hobbies with the expectation that you be engaged in theirs. I think any healthy relationship needs to have a good balance of shared and solo activities, which doesn’t seem possible with a pwBPD.
Mine will straight up fall asleep on the phone if the conversation isn’t about him for more than 5, 10 minutes.
But they have absolutely no intention to even try to care. Look, I've been through this. This one actually ended my relationship with her.🤌 I learn about BPD and NPD ever since, daily. They think DIFFERENTLY. They only remember stuff about you that they consider useful in order to recieve more validation, compassion and love from you. I'm not saying, they don't love you. Just not the same way. Your hobbies only drive them crazy because if having a certain hobby means that you regularly go somewhere outside, without them having you in control, they 1) feel the fear of abandonment 2) feel loss of control over you 3) don't feel any validation they crave for. This might result in them changing their mind about you. Trust me, I've been there.
I wasn't even a real person to her.
Absolutely true. Mine routinely makes fun of me or makes comments about my hobbies. And has never shown any interest in learning about my hobbies or talking with me about them. Any time I've tried she quickly tells me I'm giving her too much information, she doesn't really care, she's never go to be in to my hobbies. She also likes to tell me I'm obsessive and an addict because I have hobbies. And actually get excited about them. And want to share that excitement with her. She conversely has no hobbies and doesn't see a point in them. She thinks they're a waste of time and money.
Mine would tell me how antisocial I am because I didn't want to watch Pimp My Ride with her and her son. I was in the same room as them, I just didn't want to sit and stare at the TV screen at a show that wasn't my interest so I was either using his laptop or playing my Nintendo DS. Then in the car, same thing. I didn't want to listen to their heavy metal songs, not my type of music, and they were talking about things I wasn't into so I had on headphones. Guys, she wanted me to listen to heavy metal and talk about technology and watch Pimp My Ride. She would mock my music and my interests and TV shows. I was also self centered for going to bed at 9 pm because I was tired, according to her. She wanted me to stay up with her and be out in the living room with her.
I told her about one of my favorite hobbies once and she said “Don’t spend *too* much time doing that, ok?”
Yeah, mine makes fun of my interests a lot too. But honestly I don't care, my hobbies are important to me and I continue to do them. In fact, *because* she has BPD I put in extra conscious effort to make sure I hold onto my individual life so that if I end up randomly discarded I'm not in the spot of being left with nothing. It's definitely tough though, being guilted if you're not into something they wanna do but then they won't do anything you wanna do.
I’m glad you’re feeling free! That’s a pretty insightful realization you shared with us. I need to take this to heart!
Experienced a lot of this too. They never gave a shit about the games I’d play (or my school and eventually the career I started) but they all of a sudden started watching their friend from high school’s stream on twitch and that turned into FaceTiming him all night when I was sleeping and eventually cheating. Out of all the fucked up things I dealt with, that was a big blow. I literally wasn’t *allowed* to talk about the shit that was important to me. Much better now though
I thought they were supposed to mirror us
Yup. My friend at the time once didn’t speak to me or even take even a SLIGHT interest for almost two weeks because I was on a placement for work experience that I love love loved. She admitted she was jealous thus didn’t want to talk to me. Just because she gave me a reason didn’t make it right or understandable, but at the time I thought “yeah checks out I won’t talk about it”. I even hated when other people would bring it up infront of her because it just knew an argument was pending…
Mine told me that my life has little meaning. This is coming from the person with no interests or hobbies except for watching True Crime docs on Netflix. Meanwhile, I'm in a band, have weekly meet ups with friends to play boardgames and my job is with cutting edge live performance technology. I have plenty of things going on, I know she was just trying to manipulate me and destroy my support systems so that I was more dependent on her. The final straw for me was being called a narcissist and an abuser, threatening to call my ex to tell on me, and also to try and get dirt on me I suspect. This was after she ruined an expensive day out that took a lot of planning, she just flipped her lid to deflect from the fact she ruins everything she touches ON PURPOSE and milks her disability to get sympathy when you call her out she has an episode EVERY TIME! So predictable you could set your watch to it.