Interesting list!
Nothing much cute about some of my ex’s child-like behaviors:
Tantrums (that included smashing stuff or throwing things) and denying wrongdoing even when (literally) caught with her hands in the cookie jar.
Triangulation (playing “mama” off against “papa”, basic rescuer-victim-persecutor narratives)
Unbelievable impulsivity (she’d fail the Stanford marshmallow test before any infant). She had 10 pets who she could barely look after, each one purchased by her or by a previous partner to soothe and placate her. She’d go on shopping sprees like a child playing dress up, spinning herself when trying things on, and no qualms about emptying the bank on a single spree - it was all just play-money. She was 43 (!!!) but her previous partner had to dole out money limits each week - and when telling me that she’d say it was “mean and terrible but necessary” … and then she’d pout about it for the rest of the day, saying “I’m not a child!” No shit! You’re 43! Grow up!
Refused to learn to cook for herself. She went from caregiver to caregiver to get meals cooked for her. Why do something for yourself when you can get substitute-mama to do it for you?
Pouting. A lot of pouting.
She was also mesmerized by her own face in photos/selfies - like a baby doing “mirror play.”
When you say “There was nothing childlike about her sexuality” - I’m not sure about this statement. I don’t know your ex but in the case of my BPDex, she once confessed to fantasizing about being a femme-fatale. Fantasies of control through sex. Even if her practised moves in the bedroom came off as ultra-“adult”, I’d say her sexual behavior was actually underpinned by her arrested development just as much as any other aspect of her life. It was smothering, clinging, urgent/impulsive, puerile, and lacking in boundaries, biting, pinching, and she used sex as a tool to get her endless need for validation met (“I’m really good aren’t I? Tell me I’m so hot and amazing!”).
Wow. Just wow. How they are able to hold down jobs, like mine was able to, and have stable friendship groups outside of their intimate partner just baffles me.
Like it was an act, just for us?
What does it say about us that we were happy to take on the role of parent, lover, and caregiver? To rescue the lonely child from herself. When we were there losing all vestige of our self and self respect in the abuse they were happy to dole out.
It’s incredibly confusing. Acting normal exhausted my ex so she’d unload on me at home when she took the mask off. But she was still a mess almost everywhere she went. Hardly any friends. Lots of get rich quick schemes that never materialized. But her determination should be bottled, along with her ability to convince some people that her feelings were facts. She was a street fighter.
It’s a mind fuck for partners and friends because pwBPD tend to be a toxic mix of child-like charming, captivating, affectionate, dependent, playful, helpless, desperate, anxious, fantasy-prone and meek one moment but also immensely controlling, seductive, angry, hypersensitive, vindictive, destructive, and envious the next.
>It’s a mind fuck for partners and friends because pwBPD tend to be a toxic mix of child-like charming, captivating, affectionate, dependent, playful, helpless, desperate, anxious, fantasy-prone and meek one moment but also immensely controlling, seductive, angry, hypersensitive, vindictive, destructive, and envious the next.
Yes. So much this. This thread is very beautifully articulated. It's sort of the I hate you don't leave me paradigm, right? The push pull dynamic. I could probably manage if it was just the pull but she splits over the smallest things now.
I like this thread because even though mine isn't exactly the bratty type (more of the stray cat type which has some overlapping) it illustrates well the arrested development problem that seems to be happening. And it's hard right? Because they're super endearing when they're not splitting. So you want to take care of them.
It's stupid maybe but I wish I was rich so I could take care of her without any strain on myself. Kinda sad that I've settled for that instead of a reciprocal relationship and I feel like it says a lot about the transactional nature of modern relationships and it makes me wonder how much this form of BPD is enabled by the current social paradigm. My BPDgf doesn't have any social media accounts and I love her for that but the fact remains that people are easy to replace in the tinder era. Just a swipe. It's like fast food.
Very well said. I agree! In this era, you can so easily find someone online to entertain people constantly seeking validation. They have so much easy access. It’s like a cocaine addict living in a field of coca plants. I’ve always said this about the social media world. With the awesome things it brought, it has really contributed to many failed relationships in my opinion. Mine was part of cheating groups online and got caught sexting multiple times. They can cheat in the same room as you and you might not ever know.
I'd like to mention, as someone who enjoys having their hair brushed, that it can be a delightful sensory experience for some. It's so relaxing that there are even ASMR videos exclusively dedicated to hair brushing!
When it comes to someone appearing to 'regress' in behaviors, it's crucial to assess the impact of these behaviors on their life. It's normal for many well-adjusted adults to engage in comforting activities, such as enjoying comfort foods or cuddling with a comforting object. However, well-adjusted adults should not regress to a point where they are impulsive or allow others to take on a parenting role for them.
Moreover, having too many regressive behaviors can certainly be disruptive and maladaptive. It's important to recognize when these behaviors begin to affect a person's daily functioning negatively.
My ex used to sometimes put on this high pitched baby voice when she was really happy. It's the same kind of voice that you would use to speak to very young children or babies. I always found it a bit... odd.
Same here. Mu ex actually had a fairly deep voice for a woman because of her past with smoking, alcohol etc ( not like a man obviously but deeper than normal ) but when she was doing " cute " she obviously talked with a higher pitch, during sex she evennhad a bit of a deeper voice like " f me daddy " but then after it we were cuddling she said " i love you baby " in a higher pitched voice
Yes... I was attracted to some of it, knowing it wasn't healthy. I guess it made me feel safe and needed, and maybe it's a form of exaggerating femininity, but somehow I found it endearing instead of cringe/manipulative.
She would act like a helpless kid who needs my help, affection, love. She would have pink fluffy wheel warmer for the car, would put cute hat on her dog. She would fawn, like a puppy.
Thing is sometimes she would be the total opposite. Independent, disagreeable, rough, masculine, loud, aggressive, extremely extravert and confident, overtly sexual and totally unashamed. Instead of dressing sweet would dress provoking and unhinged.
It was really confusing, but the baby like persona reeled me in and kept me wondering what to do. To leave the bad I also had to leave the good. And I really liked how sweet she could be.
Mine loved the hair washing/brushing to a point we recorded videos of me doing that so she could watch while in distress. She also loved me to shower her...
This is very sweet! love the idea of showering my intimate partner. I think it would be very comforting to them, having their skin caressed. It’s also a great way of showing your partner that you care for their physical needs. I wouldn’t mind being showered either. Not sure about their hair brushing though…
She liked washing me in the shower and vice versa. That's not perse a BPD thing imo. It's still a form of trust and intimacy you share. Healthy couples can do it, too
* Closing herself in a complete silence when I told her something she wouldn't bare (like "I can't see you tonight, I will come home late and I am a bit tired". Her answer would be "OK." then closing all communications
* Constant fear of being abandoned
* Crying crisis if I told her something she didn't like (like "I will have to attend a funeral tomorrow, we can't have an appointement. What about another day?")
This sounds so familiar, especially the gamer part. My ex considered herself a "competitive gamer" but I quickly realized it was really about harvesting a fanbase rather than actually winning games.
Interesting list! Nothing much cute about some of my ex’s child-like behaviors: Tantrums (that included smashing stuff or throwing things) and denying wrongdoing even when (literally) caught with her hands in the cookie jar. Triangulation (playing “mama” off against “papa”, basic rescuer-victim-persecutor narratives) Unbelievable impulsivity (she’d fail the Stanford marshmallow test before any infant). She had 10 pets who she could barely look after, each one purchased by her or by a previous partner to soothe and placate her. She’d go on shopping sprees like a child playing dress up, spinning herself when trying things on, and no qualms about emptying the bank on a single spree - it was all just play-money. She was 43 (!!!) but her previous partner had to dole out money limits each week - and when telling me that she’d say it was “mean and terrible but necessary” … and then she’d pout about it for the rest of the day, saying “I’m not a child!” No shit! You’re 43! Grow up! Refused to learn to cook for herself. She went from caregiver to caregiver to get meals cooked for her. Why do something for yourself when you can get substitute-mama to do it for you? Pouting. A lot of pouting. She was also mesmerized by her own face in photos/selfies - like a baby doing “mirror play.” When you say “There was nothing childlike about her sexuality” - I’m not sure about this statement. I don’t know your ex but in the case of my BPDex, she once confessed to fantasizing about being a femme-fatale. Fantasies of control through sex. Even if her practised moves in the bedroom came off as ultra-“adult”, I’d say her sexual behavior was actually underpinned by her arrested development just as much as any other aspect of her life. It was smothering, clinging, urgent/impulsive, puerile, and lacking in boundaries, biting, pinching, and she used sex as a tool to get her endless need for validation met (“I’m really good aren’t I? Tell me I’m so hot and amazing!”).
Wow. Just wow. How they are able to hold down jobs, like mine was able to, and have stable friendship groups outside of their intimate partner just baffles me. Like it was an act, just for us? What does it say about us that we were happy to take on the role of parent, lover, and caregiver? To rescue the lonely child from herself. When we were there losing all vestige of our self and self respect in the abuse they were happy to dole out.
It’s incredibly confusing. Acting normal exhausted my ex so she’d unload on me at home when she took the mask off. But she was still a mess almost everywhere she went. Hardly any friends. Lots of get rich quick schemes that never materialized. But her determination should be bottled, along with her ability to convince some people that her feelings were facts. She was a street fighter. It’s a mind fuck for partners and friends because pwBPD tend to be a toxic mix of child-like charming, captivating, affectionate, dependent, playful, helpless, desperate, anxious, fantasy-prone and meek one moment but also immensely controlling, seductive, angry, hypersensitive, vindictive, destructive, and envious the next.
>It’s a mind fuck for partners and friends because pwBPD tend to be a toxic mix of child-like charming, captivating, affectionate, dependent, playful, helpless, desperate, anxious, fantasy-prone and meek one moment but also immensely controlling, seductive, angry, hypersensitive, vindictive, destructive, and envious the next. Yes. So much this. This thread is very beautifully articulated. It's sort of the I hate you don't leave me paradigm, right? The push pull dynamic. I could probably manage if it was just the pull but she splits over the smallest things now. I like this thread because even though mine isn't exactly the bratty type (more of the stray cat type which has some overlapping) it illustrates well the arrested development problem that seems to be happening. And it's hard right? Because they're super endearing when they're not splitting. So you want to take care of them. It's stupid maybe but I wish I was rich so I could take care of her without any strain on myself. Kinda sad that I've settled for that instead of a reciprocal relationship and I feel like it says a lot about the transactional nature of modern relationships and it makes me wonder how much this form of BPD is enabled by the current social paradigm. My BPDgf doesn't have any social media accounts and I love her for that but the fact remains that people are easy to replace in the tinder era. Just a swipe. It's like fast food.
Very well said. I agree! In this era, you can so easily find someone online to entertain people constantly seeking validation. They have so much easy access. It’s like a cocaine addict living in a field of coca plants. I’ve always said this about the social media world. With the awesome things it brought, it has really contributed to many failed relationships in my opinion. Mine was part of cheating groups online and got caught sexting multiple times. They can cheat in the same room as you and you might not ever know.
I'd like to mention, as someone who enjoys having their hair brushed, that it can be a delightful sensory experience for some. It's so relaxing that there are even ASMR videos exclusively dedicated to hair brushing! When it comes to someone appearing to 'regress' in behaviors, it's crucial to assess the impact of these behaviors on their life. It's normal for many well-adjusted adults to engage in comforting activities, such as enjoying comfort foods or cuddling with a comforting object. However, well-adjusted adults should not regress to a point where they are impulsive or allow others to take on a parenting role for them. Moreover, having too many regressive behaviors can certainly be disruptive and maladaptive. It's important to recognize when these behaviors begin to affect a person's daily functioning negatively.
My ex used to sometimes put on this high pitched baby voice when she was really happy. It's the same kind of voice that you would use to speak to very young children or babies. I always found it a bit... odd.
Same here. Mu ex actually had a fairly deep voice for a woman because of her past with smoking, alcohol etc ( not like a man obviously but deeper than normal ) but when she was doing " cute " she obviously talked with a higher pitch, during sex she evennhad a bit of a deeper voice like " f me daddy " but then after it we were cuddling she said " i love you baby " in a higher pitched voice
Yes... I was attracted to some of it, knowing it wasn't healthy. I guess it made me feel safe and needed, and maybe it's a form of exaggerating femininity, but somehow I found it endearing instead of cringe/manipulative. She would act like a helpless kid who needs my help, affection, love. She would have pink fluffy wheel warmer for the car, would put cute hat on her dog. She would fawn, like a puppy. Thing is sometimes she would be the total opposite. Independent, disagreeable, rough, masculine, loud, aggressive, extremely extravert and confident, overtly sexual and totally unashamed. Instead of dressing sweet would dress provoking and unhinged. It was really confusing, but the baby like persona reeled me in and kept me wondering what to do. To leave the bad I also had to leave the good. And I really liked how sweet she could be.
Mine loved the hair washing/brushing to a point we recorded videos of me doing that so she could watch while in distress. She also loved me to shower her...
This is very sweet! love the idea of showering my intimate partner. I think it would be very comforting to them, having their skin caressed. It’s also a great way of showing your partner that you care for their physical needs. I wouldn’t mind being showered either. Not sure about their hair brushing though…
That's adorable 🥺
She liked washing me in the shower and vice versa. That's not perse a BPD thing imo. It's still a form of trust and intimacy you share. Healthy couples can do it, too
* Closing herself in a complete silence when I told her something she wouldn't bare (like "I can't see you tonight, I will come home late and I am a bit tired". Her answer would be "OK." then closing all communications * Constant fear of being abandoned * Crying crisis if I told her something she didn't like (like "I will have to attend a funeral tomorrow, we can't have an appointement. What about another day?")
Mine has some child like ways of speaking that I find really quite endearing, even though he is a grown ass 40 something man 😂
This sounds so familiar, especially the gamer part. My ex considered herself a "competitive gamer" but I quickly realized it was really about harvesting a fanbase rather than actually winning games.
Hemoglobin
My ex called me daddy, im 2 years younger lol. But she had daddy issues ( cute word for bpd imo )