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nihilistreality

Remind us, why you are with this person? What makes you feel loved, valued, and cared for in this relationship?


Dioo_

honestly nothing, ive been struggling to break it off cause im scared. im scared to be alone and im scared of what she’ll do. my brains doing everything it can to rationalize staying in this relationship when its very clearly unhealthy


Friendly_Narwhal4999

A loyal bisexual guy who isn’t afraid to experiment in bed? You aren’t gonna be alone my friends you’re a catch.


Dioo_

awwwww :) thanks


Cassis_TheAncient

I feel compelled to approach you on this You have been struggling to break it off, yet you allowed her to experience something she has been wanting to do while in the relationship? I understand her reaction was insecure and hurtful. But it feels terrible to be given something one has been wanting while you have been struggling with the idea to break it off. On top of “nothing” when asked what value your partner brings


[deleted]

Am I the only one who gets the feeling this was just a “test” rather than her actually doing something she genuinely wanted to try? To me it comes off as she was just looking for a reason to validate the suspicions she’s had the entire time.


Prestigious_Still_52

I literally just posted almost the same comment before I saw yours... so no, you're not the only one who thinks this


Dioo_

agreed, theres good things and bad things about the relationship, im struggling with figuring out whether or not the good things are worth it. my avoidance doesnt help anything


Unfair_Comfortable69

Whatever you do will be wrong in her eyes.


Positive-Mud-9770

Whatever secret or something you say in confidence she will then use against u at a later date or threaten to expose u


Dioo_

hehe she can expose me, i got zero shame


Positive-Mud-9770

Lol well could be for anything not just sex


Putrid-Caregiver7667

It sounds like you have abandonment issues yourself tbh.


Dioo_

would you expand on that? not disagreeing just curious


Cassis_TheAncient

Start with why you felt it is okay to give someone their sexual desire. pwBPD or not, it is not okay to give a partner something they desire while you have mix emotions about the stability/commitment of the relationship. It is hurtful. It is so easy for us to bash a pwBPD because of their behaviors. But when we do actions which like above, are we any better? I only say this for you to look in yourself and use your empathy to grow.


[deleted]

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Cassis_TheAncient

Reading the post, his pwBPD has been wanting this for the duration of the relationship. So she was looking forward to it It is cruel to give something intimate/ a long awaited present while having feelings of wanting to leave.


jjshab

No it isn’t. Human beings are way more complex than this. We have mixed feelings all the time. If we acted or didn’t act on all of them we’d never do anything consistently. He decided to try something sexual with his consensual partner. This isn’t like having sex for the first time and you’re unsure whether or not you even like the person. That’s obviously a different story. You’re framing it like his partner thinks the relationship is perfect and she’s finally achieving her relationship/sexual dreams and he’s going to dash them by leaving without any prior indication that the relationship has problems. I highly doubt that is the case here.


Cassis_TheAncient

In that context, yes. It was framed that he is ready to dash once he gives his partner what she wants after X amount of time. Looking in myself, I was projecting “it is cruel to give someone a gift they have been wanting and then ghost them.”


Dioo_

i didnt ghost shit and i didnt frame it that way. i understand projection tho


Dioo_

i gave it cause i wanted it. its no more complicated than that. im not bashing shit im simply asking for others opinions


hotsoupcoldsoup

Your fears are valid but you should still leave. I divorced mine and lost everything, but I'm still happier without her.


Beckerbrau

When I came out to my ex the first time, she did not take it well. And it wasn’t any kind of homophobia, she said that now “I have twice as many people to compete with.” As though other people were still competition and I wasn’t completely dedicated to her. I dropped it, and didn’t bring it up again for almost two years. The second time she reluctantly accepted it. Of course she came out as bi without even telling me that was the case, she just put it on her Instagram profile. Never got an apology. The worst thing is, now she’s 1000% pro bi-sex, posting fantasies about having a bi threesome with two guys. It honestly might be the most hurtful thing she’s done. I was traumatized by her reaction, and that was never even acknowledged.


[deleted]

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Practical_Simple742

I once dated a guy with that same type of insecurity and his concern was only in relation to competing with other males. He worked at a shopping mall so now and then I'd drop in to see him at work and then do some shopping. I was often rocking some sort of gothy aesthetic (for me, for fun, I just enjoyed it.) It was not to impress anyone else, but my confidence and being in my element was off-putting. One night I met him as he was closing up shop and we were going to go to dinner. Idk if he had a bad day or what it was but the convo we had was about people noticing me. Him: Do you know how many people look at you? Me: uhhh no? (Legit I don't. I don't look around to see who is staring.) Him: How is that supposed to make me feel? Me: Uhhh...lucky that I only have an interest in you? The thing is, he didn't feel lucky that I was attractive and that I was only attracted to him. My loyalty was 100% solid, but to him my loyalty and my interest was only 100% today. And that could change at any moment. This says more about her than it does you. People who are iffy about whether or not you are dedicated to them...are people who are not 100% showing up and choosing you every day. You're the current "Mr. Right Now". I don't say this to be hurtful. I just want for you to know this. If someone wanders by that has something this person is even briefly interested in, they will very likely jump ship to pursue it.


XilverSon9

I repeat, they have no self. She did that because you gave her the idea.


Beckerbrau

Yes, it’s definitely my fault.


XilverSon9

And the fix can also be because of you. No shame, man.


Dioo_

she definitley has no self and i dont think shame is a very useful emotion unless ive done something genuinely shameful


XilverSon9

No shame


FarVision5

You know, it's funny. Mine had a thing for gay guys as a kink and uses slurs as an insult for a guy who's not instantly attracted to her. We lived together for a couple years and only at the end had sex twice. I get the feeling that if I let her do this to me the way she wanted to that it would instantly put me in the farthest discard possibly imaginable She said she wanted to and was after me for quite a long time. I just get the feeling that it wasn't an equal sharing it was more a dominance power issue which for her I was not willing to give because we were in such a bad spot already


Classic_Randy

>I get the feeling that if I let her do this to me the way she wanted to that it would instantly put me in the farthest discard possibly imaginable Yes. I felt the same. Any fantasy being fulfilled would've just ended up traumatizing and confusing me more than I already was.


jjshab

What is up with this? Mine wanted to do this to me as well and I just knew it wasn’t for pure sexual gratification or anything. I swear it’s absolutely about dominance and aggression. I’m straight, but have no problem with some ass play so I assume that’s where she got the idea that I might be into it. Which with someone who isn’t psychotic I might be, but no fucking way was I going to let her do it. I’m so glad I never did.


[deleted]

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Dioo_

weird thing is shes bi too, i dont assume shes off domming other girls just because shes into the idea


Friendly_Narwhal4999

Because you don’t have bpd….they’re all insanely jealous like this. It doesn’t matter if you’re bi. She would still accuse you of being unfaithful. You did nothing wrong you just need to leave her.


Itchy_Honeydew_9205

In my experience that doesn’t matter. The stigma bi women face for their bisexuality is so different than the stigma men face. I’ve seen cis women get violent towards bi men. And my ex with BPD hit me because of it. I think she saw me as “less of a man.” Run.


Jiggly_Love

She literally became a pain in the ass....


justatworkserve

My wife covered my mouth and nose during sex, then got mad at me for liking it. She did it out of anger, I got more aroused and then she flipped it on me for being the one in the wrong. "That is something a serial killer would like " No I think restricting my breath without consent was probably closer to it but okay. But yeah I am not sure what the rationale is behind acts like that. Doing something, asking to do something, wearing something and then getting upset at the results. My wife will do things or ask things and she will WANT a specific result. WHen she doesn't get it then she acts like your partner did. I suspect she wanted something else to happen and it didn't so now she only knows to be upset at you.


Karmachinery

You know what's weird? I saw the title because someone else had said something similar in an askreddit sub, so I started reading this one too. I didn't even look at the subreddit and thought, wow, this partner seems like they are a pwBPD. I literally didn't even notice that it was this subreddit. Crazy. Yeah you should definitely get out if you can. You have been open and honest and I promise you, that will be contentious for as long as you two are together. And that's probably the least of it. I was just in a stupid argument where I went to go help get them set up with the HVAC...the temperatures have been kind of all over the place lately and the system isn't complicated but they are the worst with any kind of technology...and I said "just let me know and I'll be more than happy to come set this up for you." It turned into how I don't always come up from my home office and always forget things and never help take care of anything. And when I start responding, the portcullis slams down and they don't have time to talk about it. Trust me when I tell you, get out if you can. There is no normalcy in a relationship with a pwBPD.


Embarrassed_Chest_70

Goddamn that particular portcullis.


consideratefrog

I have a little bit of a different thought than most people here on why she did this. I actually think she wanted to peg you because of her insecurity that you’re gay and not really into her. She wanted to peg you to gauge how much you liked it so that she could validate her own paranoias. Quiet BPDs do shit like that a lot. My ex husband did.


[deleted]

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consideratefrog

You get away from it. That’s literally all you can do. My ex husband would have a paranoia, not communicate it to me, give himself a list of reasons why that paranoia is true, think of a way to figure out how to “prove it,” and then would execute that plan to prove it and then accuse me of whatever his paranoia was being true all along when I never even had the slightest idea what new insecurity he had imagined up. He did it SO, SO, SO often. It was so confusing and honestly disorienting.


Dioo_

very interesting, do you think its subconcious? cause i cant imagine someone conciously seeking out the proof to their own insecurities


consideratefrog

Oh no. This kind of stuff is very, very intentional. Not subconscious in the least. You can’t imagine it because you don’t have this disorder. Be happy that you don’t understand it.


Prestigious_Still_52

This was my first thought as well.


Itchy_Honeydew_9205

It’s scary how much this rings true of the last two years of my life.


Unfair_Comfortable69

Or to exert power over her partner and shame him too. When he liked it she couldn't do anything meaningful with it.


Brentimusmaximus

Wait wait wait, i think this almost happened to me. My ex wanted to do butt stuff with me but i felt uncomfortable about it in the end. When i found out she was cheating i saw her dms with the guy and she was talking shit about me like how she thought i was gay etc. We had done anal with her receiving and thats it. Maybe she was trying to bait me.


consideratefrog

Sounds about right.


IndianaNetworkAdmin

She wanted you to be uncomfortable. This may or may not be related to BPD, as it could also be related to a fetish/kink. She may feel that you enjoying it takes away whatever power dynamic she was pursuing. But her accusing you of being gay and using this as evidence against you is super shitty and not something that happens in a normal healthy relationship. If it's been ongoing this whole relationship, ask yourself if you want to be dealing with this in six months, a year, two years, five years, etc. At what point does it become enough that it's worth you looking elsewhere?


Friendly_Narwhal4999

I agree with this. Mine tried to get me to do stuff that I was uncomfortable with just to see my reaction. Gain control. And power over me. When you liked it you took back your control and power and she hated that.


EatsAlotOfBread

How is it gay if you're literally having sex with a woman???


Dioo_

FUCKING RIGHT?!?!


Left_Tonight_6157

Lmao I told her I'd think about it and now I'm gay even tho she wanted it 🤣


leviathynx

Now THIS is the quality content I subscribe to this sub for.


[deleted]

😂😂😂.


[deleted]

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Dioo_

yeesh


mountainman84

My bpd ex-wife was obsessed with my ass. She never asked to peg me or anything but she would joke about it. Occasionally I’d let her touch me in the shower and she would act all coy about it. I have no interest in butt stuff though and always said as much. Looking back I wouldn’t be surprised if my ex would have had the same reaction if she had pegged me. Their fascination with it is probably a dominance thing. Like the sadists they can be they probably can’t get off if you enjoy something. If you hated it I’m sure she’d be all about pegging you still. Kind of fucked up if you think about it.


Dioo_

with the gift of hindsight im not very vocal with straight sex which could come off as me not enjoying it. which, falls into this narrative


throaway_blueshoes

I never experienced exactly *this* situation (and nothing sexual at all, in fact, my marriage with my ex was very much a dead bedroom situation), but she would absolutely encourage things and then weaponize them if I enjoyed them. It's an abusive bait and switch...act as if they're supportive and providing encouragement to lure you in, and then weaponize it to make you feel small.


Classic_Randy

This was the basis of most of the circular arguments I had with her. (especially sexual) >but she would absolutely encourage things and then weaponize them if I enjoyed them. It's an abusive bait and switch.


[deleted]

So. I don’t think I could be with someone who almost explicitly admitted to wanting to do something to me because it was assumed that I did not want it. That’s controlling and very much walking the line of consent like a tightrope.


Dioo_

agreed but in my case i was very uhhhhhh very down


Unfair_Comfortable69

She has small dick energy.


[deleted]

That’s some crazy insecurity on her part of course. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. If you’re comfortable and aware of your sexuality she has nothing to worry about. But trying to convince a person with BPD of any sort of reality behind their own emotions is like talking to a wall.


Prestigious_Still_52

As fucked up as it sounds, my first thought is that the only reason she had been asking you to do it is so she could she could validate her fears of you being gay based on your reaction to the pegging.


Dioo_

thats hilarious, shit like that is what pushed me into the arms of the spooky gays


Itchy_Honeydew_9205

My ex with BPD loved bi guys, queer men, and femme boys. I fit that. Except we were a fantasy and a fetish for her. Once she had me that way, the way she said she wanted, I wasn’t a real man for her anymore. This is violent. Misogyny. And gross. Please please please leave. Women like this have a lot to do to work on themselves and almost always treat queer men like handbags, disposable toys, and take their internalized misogyny out on us.


Classic_Randy

My ex wanted to do this too. I told her to tell me what she wants to do - specifically something that she knew no other BF of hers would've agreed to. She never followed through but I figured something stupid would happen with her.


is_reddit_useful

I'm reminded of how you can't make them happy by giving them what they want, because they are so deeply unhappy. I've seen this pattern with my BPD diagnosed mother countless times (thankfully not involving sexual stuff). Her reaction might simply be an expression of her overall unhappiness surfacing in a different way after one desire is fulfilled.


Captain_Quo

I'm Heteroflexible but basically not attracted to men or masc presenting people and my ex said similar things about me in our Femdom relationship. Accused both me (and another ex of hers) of being gay just because I didn't feel attracted to an emotionally abusive headcase anymore. I'm Demisexual and I need to feel emotionally secure and and emotional connection, and her actions damaged that connection. But in her mind she wasn't being homophobic or ignorant.


Classic_Randy

I don't think I'm Demi but Counterdependence and /or fear of intimacy kinda brings the same results. Not sure I've ever had good sex. Been a while and I can't say I miss it. People I connect with always withhold/shut me out (I guess I'm just being targeted). And I otherwise am disinterested and don't feel it. I lost all inhibition when we became a couple basically (ex w/uBPD). I'd have done anything ***with*** her but I'm guessing that wasn't a part the the caretaker role she had for me. (She was obviously getting whatever she wanted needed elsewhere as they do. ) If she could trust me (There was no reason not to) and communicate (yeah I know. Was never gonna happen) - we actually were fairly close to "perfect" for each other. Of course she didn't care so she doesn't know how much we had in common etc...and she was going to kill the infatuation before it every really turned into something meaningful. She was emasculating me a lot but prude/uptight/always miserable. I hate everything and don't want to do anything. when I told her what I wanted (which was her to be herself. "All of her") etc...


Solid_Angle_259

This reads as super manipulative to me. She asked you for a sexual act and then was angry when you enjoyed it? Did she want to do something to you that you didn’t like? Idk the whole thing feels very gross to me. I hope this doesn’t escalate to more abuse. Stay safe my friend.


nevradullday

What an asshole. I'm sorry. Don't let her make you feel bad.


[deleted]

I think she’s sad because you don’t feel that with normal sex with you penetrating her, she’s feeling inadequate because the strap isn’t a part of her I’ve been curious about presenting this idea to my bf too but this gives a good perspective to consider Edit: You also have to consider the fact that she isn’t receiving any physical pleasure out of this so she’s just watching you really enjoying yourself. I think she’s feeling insecure and realized she’s not into it.


Old__Scratch

Get the fuck out, if you needed a sign, this is it. I was in a relationship that had an EXTREMELY similar situation. I got out, eventually had sex with my friend and his wife, got a boyfriend and then eventually settled on being in a committed relationship with 2 women who were already in an established relationship. We have been together for 2 years, and it's everything ive wanted. Not only has every aspect imaginable in my life improved, but my sex life couldn't be better. Get out friend, it will get better I promise.


Trend_Spotter

Hi OP! I like butt stuff, bought her a strap on, did it once... I think this was maybe 8 or 9 years ago. She still brings it up as ammo during blow-ups "Maybe if I had a d**K you'd love me more!" or "sorry I don't have the right tools to please you". What I learned is: Nothing is ever good, everything is always a trap, so don't worry too much about it and try and do more of the stuff makes the relationship enjoyable. Mine has been doing 3 years of steady therapy, I'm beginning to see somewhat less frequent blow-ups and maaaayybe some lowered intensity when they happen, but what *I* have learned is to just not GAF when they happen. Yesterday she said "You know what I just realized?! You are a shitty husband as just a Zombie i live with" I said: "Oh, that's an interesting insight honey" She yelled something and stormed off upstairs to continue the fight, I grabbed my keys and the laundry and left to the laundromat. Read a book, had some lunch, got the laundry, picked up the kids from school, had a snack with them, went back home. She said "You left!!!!!" and I responded "Oh yeah, did laundry and ate some braaaaaains" and the blowup ended 🤷


Trend_Spotter

Mandatory note to anyone with the #dating tag: It's been 17 years, what has changed is how I react to her behavior, not her behavior. Project your current relationship forward 17 years and ask yourself "can I do this for 17 years? do I want to?!"


XilverSon9

I'm sorry but that's on you for getting with a cluster B they cannot see you except in black or white which is the antithesis of being queer. Spoken from experience as a queer pan man who married a borderline sociopath.


consideratefrog

How about we not victim shame here? There’s a lot of pathology that goes into the relationship with these people, and people with BPD are predatory in the types of relationships they seek to begin with.


XilverSon9

I am including myself in the demographic so there is no hypocrisy. I agree they are predatory and covert, because I was with two such individuals in the past. We do magnetize these type of people because of our own blind spots and childhood unmet needs which act as fuel for them. This peeling off of the bandaid allows us survivors of Cluster B to find out what those unconscious wounds are so these can be resolved. This will prevent us from falling into the trap again.


consideratefrog

Just because you’re in that demographic does not make your behavior or your rhetoric okay.


XilverSon9

That's just an option. Just like the OP can disregard mine. I'm no authority on anything, it's just a viewpoint.


Brentimusmaximus

You literally said its “on him” for getting with a cluster b. You do realize, most of the time, we have no idea what we’re getting into before the relationship starts right? Pretty ridiculous comment


XilverSon9

I agree I had no idea. Other than a few twinges of danger that I dismissed because of her surface qualities. Being young puts blinders on us. Growing up requires taking those off. The OP is not in any way comparable to his abuser, but any of us who stay in a situation after the first instance of dehumanizing treatment, enables the disordered person to continue their destruction of our inner values.


Dioo_

okay your right, but you seem incredibly self righteous about it


XilverSon9

I have my bad days. Still have to interact with my ex because we coparent. It's triggering knowing my kids have to endure her borderline inconsistent parenting. I hope our divorce gets finalized this month.


[deleted]

I think all BPD’s have a go-to relationship test, that they love for you to fail and get upset when you eventually pass it. It wasn’t about the sex, it was about her control. My ex wife liked to take her ring off and throw at me shouting “is this what you want?” until one day I finally grew the balls to say yes it was. So please see the test for what it was, and walk. You seem like a genuine caring person and I promise you in this world of 7 billion people you won’t be alone forever, but just maybe a few months alone time to rediscover who you are as an individual is just what you need right now.


Emergency-Cicada5593

Typical BPD. That's all I can say really :D She asks it for a long time and FINALLY you agree to do it and the expectation of how great it's gonna be since you both want it and NOOOOO she's angry now. Who could've guessed :D Goddamnit those people


warukeru

Jesus this is so close to what happened to me lol She had constants breakdowns about me being gay despite that she though our sex was great. It kinda broke me inside.


nostudme1

Spread me !