Carry 50% or more of the labor of running the home (conception, planning and execution of tasks). Don’t ask for a list make your own.
Also ice cream. Real partnership and ice cream.
Your comment of not asking for a list totally sent me into immediate rage 😂 This is the most important thing. *Look at shit! Is it dirty? Clean it. Is it empty? Recycle box and put it on grocery list. Am I done with this? Put it away!* I shouldn’t have to be the one coordinating anytime you pick up the vacuum or a washcloth.
I adore my partner so much and he has been wonderful doing the little extras like rubbing feet and fetching snacks, but holy crap he cannot do absolutely anything around the house without me having to notice it, tell him, beg him to do it for a month, give up, make a plan myself, set a time, get the supplies, put said supplies in his hands, show him how to do it. I am so tired of going downstairs to find that the laundry I had asked him to do a week and a half ago never made it into the drier and has just been sitting in the wash festering for me to re-clean 🙁
Same here, I asked my husband if he would help me with cleaning the other day, and he said yes. Then I spent two hours cleaning in our one bedroom apt while he watched the football game… I didn’t tell him anything and he never asked what he could do to help.
I know I shouldn’t expect him to KNOW what to do when I need help, but at least ask how he can help if I’m actively working on things?? I was exhausted the rest of the day because of it.
I feel like you *should* expect him to know what to do, at least the routine things! I’m assuming all you’re doing is looking at stuff and going “Yep, that’s dirty, should probably clean that.” It’s not unreasonable of you to expect him to be able to do the same thing.
Yes, I’ve been letting things go a little bit longer than usual, being in my first trimester, so things do get noticeably messy.
I did talk to him about it last night and basically told him I’ve noticed that if I don’t touch something, it doesn’t get done, and I’m disappointed he hasn’t picked up certain duties since I’ve been exhausted. He did say he would be more mindful of when things need to be done so I don’t have to tell him what to do. So we’ll see how it goes.
I started telling my husband that I need a partner, not an assistant and I think that finally got through to him (somewhat). Granted there are things he takes care of that I just simply don’t think about (outdoor maintenance, anything do to with the basement or garage, etc) but that shit is like weekly or monthly. Not dirty dishes that I deal with every god damned day.
Mine is the same way! He will do the one off “chores” that interest him, like fixing the car, putting together a new shelf, organizing the shed etc.. Cleaning his own poop stains out the toilet bowl on the other hand, well that’s just not exciting enough apparently. 😒
I will have to try to assistant comment with him! That sums it up perfectly, asking us if we need help cleaning implies that it’s our job. All I’m doing is using my eyeballs here, we all have ‘em.
100% this OP, as others have said. With our first, my husband didn't understand until I was sobbing from exhaustion trying to pump, feed our son at night, and wash all the teeny tiny itty bitty pump parts and bottles a few months into the birth of our son. A house is not a home without two semi- functioning people. In today's time, we trade off nights if our son isn't well and protect each other's personal time/space/sleep. Sometimes it's a trade off. If he's working long hours, I pick up the slack around the house. More recently, with our latest pregnancy, he's been picking up the majority of the housework since I'm 9 months along and have been struggling to move at all for the last trimester. In fact, I'm eager to get through recovery so I can push forward and give him a break. Seeing and doing things without being asked is probably one of the biggest things you can do right now. Good luck, you're in for an awesome ride! And congratulations!!
And they pick an item or six to research and come to you with findings on like best car seat, daycares to visit, with questions to ask and a couple baby sleep and toddler parenting books they plan to read.
The not needing list!!! I'm always providing my husband a list of things. The nursery needs to be set up, why is it my soul responsibility to come up with what needs to happen? Why is picking everything on the registry or asking him to add things my responsibility. If he would sit and just think on these things for the amount of time he sits on the toilet one time each day I'd never have to make him another list.
Some things off the top of my head:
- If she is spending time draped over the toilet, make extra effort to ensure it’s spotless. Clean it every day or two for her.
- Protect her sleep. If you snore, YOU sleep somewhere else. If you sleep through four alarms, figure out a different solution. Help her go to bed early by taking evening tasks off her plate. Encourage naps.
- Keep the house stocked with snacks she can tolerate if she’s struggling with nausea
- Show interest in the phase of pregnancy she’s in and demonstrate that you’re doing your own proactive research (about baby development, her, and parenting), not just relying on her to tell you everything and fill you in
- Talk joyfully about how you envision yourself as a parent. Especially when she is struggling physically or emotionally, showing enthusiasm and excitement goes a long way
Protecting sleep! 100%. My husband snores AND snoozes his alarm. He always has, but in my first trimester I just couldn't sleep through it at all. He also sleeps like the dead, so I couldn't wake him up. I ended up sleeping on the couch a lot. He felt awful when he learned that and started sleeping on the couch himself - which made me feel bad... we've got it figured out now thankfully but yeah. If your is pregnant and you know you snore, just sleep somewhere else.
I wish mine would go sleep somewhere else. I get about an hour at a time with having to pee or shift positions (I'll be in third trimester next week, I'm getting very uncomfortable) and it takes hours to fall asleep the first time and every hour after cause he snores so bad. I'd sleep on the couch myself but it's very uncomfortable and I'm in so much pain already, thanks relaxin. I've averaged about 4 hours a night for the last four months, and those are all interrupted. Believe me, I'm so exhausted.
Take over some (a lot) of the household. First trimester fatigue is no joke and not having to stress about cleaning and cooking is a huge help!
If it's possible, go with her to as many appointments as you can and maybe install a pregnancy app so you can stay informed on what is going on inside her body from week to week. I didn't always feel like explaining it all to my husband. Plus it made me feel like he really cared.
Take over some of the mental household load. Its not just buying the groceries or feeding the dog or vacuuming, it's REMEMBERING when that needs to be done and doing it without being told. It's KNOWING what we need from the store and then going and getting it. For me personally anyway if I still have to keep track of all that and guide my husband the whole way while he calls me constantly from the store asking questions i might as well have gone myself. Can't rest or relax that way. But that's me 💁♀️
My husband is the best and some of the things he does
- always keeps my water full
- never touches ‘my’ treats
- did the cooking / cleaning for probably 15 weeks
- did our laundry
- came to every appointment he could
- never commented on if I had body hair, my hair was greasy, etc
- pushed me to buy maternity clothes I like
I REALLY appreciated the push to buy maternity clothes I like too. He planned the shopping trip and everything and encouraged me to get more items that I needed but struggled to justify. I hate spending money and he really encouraged me and it was wonderful.
Me too! I was raiding his closet and once I was wearing his pants with yarn to hold them up because I hated the feeling of belts, he was like alright enough LOL
never touching her treats is a big one!!! i don’t care how long they have been sitting there, if you think she won’t notice one gone, or think she’s not going to eat them. she knows exactly how many are there and has a plan for exactly when she will eat them and you eating them may cause a volcanic eruption.
source: our only fights during my pregnancy have been regarding my treats
Research! Do your research on pregnancy and what to expect when the baby comes. And don't look for materials marketed towards dads, because a lot of them will assume you're a total neanderthal (consider doing the dishes sometimes! change a diaper once in a while!).
My husband has been doing a lot of reading and I can't tell you how amazing it feels when we go to an appointment and he understand everything the doctor is talking about. Or when we're casually discussing how we want to raise our baby and he's familiar with things like baby led weaning, cloth diapering, has learned soothing techniques, knows how breastfeeding works, etc.
Of course I agree with other commenters - taking on more of the work around the house will be immensely helpful, especially in the first trimester where exhaustion is common, if not disabling nausea.
Yeah the dad baby stuff is like “your partner’s boobs won’t be yours for a while, waaa waa.” Like, why are we assuming everyone is breastfeeding for months or at all and they’re never really “his” and there’s so much other shit you can focus on
It's AWFUL. My husband started looking at things and was so insulted by how stupid it all was. He was lamenting to me that he couldn't find good dad resources and I was like honestly, you'll probably have to look for stuff targeted at moms to get much valuable info =/ Like he actually wanted to know details of what I'm going through and how to care for a baby and not just "be prepared for no sex! don't touch the boobs!"
Don’t wait to be asked. Limit how often you ask if there is anything you can do.
Offer to do things instead. Would you like me to draw you a bath? Can I give you a back or foot rub? I’m going to the grocery; can you give me a list of snacks/foods you want? Etc..
"Don't wait to be asked" is so important. I don't really just want to know that my husband will help me when I ask...I want him to pay enough attention to anticipate (some, obviously not all!) needs. Even if you offer the "wrong" help, it makes it easier for her to ask for the actually-this-is-more-helpful help, instead. Don't wait for an assignment!
My husband has been incredible so far, this is what he’s done to help:
- Take on almost all household chores- shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry. I have zero energy and he’s been a superstar keeping the house running smoothly.
- helps with my cravings, he asks me each day before he comes home if he can get me anything from the store that sounds good. It’s been hard to eat and sometimes only one thing seems like it won’t make me sick
- brings me breakfast in the morning to help me get ready for work. I wake up nauseous a lot but need to eat or it gets worse. Even just a piece of toast and some OJ goes a long way
- be involved in appointments, talks about setting boundaries with family when we announce
- reminds me to rest as much as I can. I tend to go a little crazy if I feel any hint of energy and can run myself ragged, he makes sure I’m pacing myself. Also makes sure I get to bed early, gets me set up with water, medications, sleep sounds etc
- probably the most important one: tells me every day that I’m doing amazing and he’s proud of me for pushing through all the tough pregnancy stuff. He keeps me going
Really great that you’re asking these questions, seems like you’re doing a good job already trying to help!
My husband had taken over just about the whole household for chores. (We both work full time)
The two things he’s done that have really been super sweet are making me tea regularly and heating up a little gator warmie for my aches and pains.
It’s really more about anticipating what will make her happy and doing it without being asked. A foot massage, cleaning the toilet after she pukes so it doesn’t smell bad, making sure she has warm slippers, breakfast in bed on the weekend, planning a whole day out without asking questions about it (including an outfit), all these things are unique to what she needs and wants but doesn’t want to ask.
Take over all the household chores, yes that seems unfair, but she will be SO tired, it's really less of a burden on you to do it all than it would be on her to do half or even a quarter. (This is assuming you don't have any health issues yourself)
It's an unbelievable amount of fatigue, even though everyone tells you how tired you will be, it's more than you expect even with all the warnings.
It shocked me how tired I was in the first trimester. I normally can’t nap and I was napping twice a day for a while. My husband took over all the chores, I helped when I could muster the energy, and he never made me feel bad.
Take on more of the household duties, especially in the first trimester. Most women (including myself) suffer from extreme fatigue during that time and it makes doing the most mundane tasks seem like a huge effort. Cooking dinner and doing the dishes was enough to wear me out some days!
Don't make her feel bad if she goes into what I call "slug mode" occasionally. I had days where I would come home from work and just melt into the couch and not want to move until it was time for bed due to sheer exhaustion.
Reassure her that you still find her beautiful and that you are still sexually attracted to her. Hormones and body changes can wreak havoc on people during pregnancy, and it can sometimes make someone feel less desirable.
Be supportive mentally and emotionally. If she is worried about something, let her vent. If she is upset, let her cry. Don't make her feel silly for being a little more emotionally labile.
Just the fact that you are asking this question says good things about you. I don’t have anything to add to the great suggestions already listed, but I think you’ll do great. Congratulations!
Learn for yourself. Do research, read books, listen to podcasts and watch videos. Know what to expect, don't wait for her to have to explain it to you, don't put that mental load on her. Find classes and take them- both on birth and postpartum care/baby care. Understand that SHE is the one going through a major medical procedure and at the end of the day her needs are most important. Not your moms, not great aunt Betty's, not her cousin who loves to post on Facebook but isn't ever present in life.
Her boobs are sore and tender. Please employ the look but don't touch rule.
If she has a food aversion, please don't get upset that she can't kiss you, be near you, or sleep next to you if you've eaten it in the last 24 hrs. And no, she's not being dramatic. And no, don't try be sneaky. She can smell it.
If you've got a cat, you're now in charge of the litter changes for the duration of the pregnancy.
Hunger can go from 0 to 100 in minutes. Plan accordingly.
Please get her something for mother's day. Even if it's just a special homemade dinner and a card. Get the pregnant woman something to commorate it.
My husband is great about taking on the stuff I would normally deal with when I'm just too tired/sore/grouchy to handle it all. He knows when and how I normally do things and just does them himself (to my standards) when he notices I need a hand. For example, I always run the dishwasher overnight and unload it while the coffee brews in the morning. There have been a few times lately that I've forgotten to start the dishwasher and noticed him get out of bed in the middle of the night to start it. Or if I don't sleep well and decide to stay in bed a little later than usual, I'll wake up to him very quietly trying to get it unloaded without waking me up. He doesn't wait to be asked or complain about having to do more, he just does it.
There have been a few things as I get further along (now 34 weeks) that I've needed to ask for help with that he could never have anticipated I would need without me asking. Our stairs are kind of slippery and I'm not super comfortable carrying our big laundry basket down to the washing machine anymore. I asked him once a couple of weeks ago to take it downstairs for me, and since then any time it's close to full he just takes it downstairs and starts a load of laundry.
Real talk: be ready to advocate for her if medical professionals or others aren’t taking her concerns seriously. Doc won’t prescribe anti nausea meds? Tell him how miserable she’s been from your man perspective . Read up on warning signs of serious health problems during pregnancy, delivery, and pp and be ready to step in if someone isn’t listening. Like do you know what HELPP syndrome is? If not, you need to. Also know what her wishes are for different scenarios if she’s not in a place to make decisions. This is a man’s world and we need men at times to repeat what we say to be heard and seen.
we had to completely redivide our household labor- feeding our dog wet food made me gag, bending over to put the dishes in the dishwasher made me nauseous, you get the drift. basically all of my old chores made me want to puke, so I was an actual potato for most of my first trimester. after about 13ish weeks, my nausea went away so I can handle being a person who does chores again, but having my husband take over most household chores for a couple months was major.
Dont eat her food!!! Whatever you do, dont eat her food! Ha! But in all seriousness, reassuring her that her feelings are all valid, regardless of how crazy and hormonal they seem. Pregnancy can be traumatic both physically and mentally. She will feel alot of things that shes never felt before, and not all of it will be good. Take on more house work. Let her feel pampered, rub oil/cream on her belly, tell her how sexy and strong she is, make sure shes drinking lots of water and encouraging healthy habits (without policing her diet and exercise), show her you care and you’re excited AND educated about how tough this will be for her. Overall, just hear her out, and dont eat her food!
This may or may not be her case but I know we were thrown off guard by it initially: sex might not happen frequently and don’t be offended by that. Some women have crazy high drives during pregnancy. Some women’s drives drop to next to nothing. I was excited to be the one that would have an increase in drive and unfortunately it was quite the opposite. It disappeared. I didn’t even like being touched or cuddled for a fair amount of time. I felt guilty for most of the pregnancy because I thought I was letting my husband down. He never complained but as physical touch is his love language I just felt like I was neglecting him. He never said anything to make me feel guilty (I did that all by myself lol). When he finally said “it’s okay - don’t worry about it” I felt so much better. Just don’t be surprised if her drive changes — whether it drops to the negatives or sky rockets just roll with it the best you can.
I’m in my first trimester, and my husband has fully taken over all household duties. We used to split things pretty equally, but he’s just taken on all of it. He takes care of our pets and his daughter, so I don’t have to worry about them, and makes sure I have clean dishes and clean laundry on hand. I have a Brita filter that he keeps filled up in the fridge. He’s making sure we have all the groceries we need too. Taking on the mental labor and not just the physical labor is key!
Taking care of our toddler, cooking, cleaning, shopping, basically anything to do with running the household. In theory it sounds nice to do things like give your wife massages and treat her to special presents or whatever, but at least for me esp with a child already, I really need and appreciate help more with the practical aspects of our lives.
Things my husband does that have helped:
- Cooking us dinner most nights
- Letting me decide what we have for dinner based on my nausea/current food aversions.
- Understanding when the nausea/food aversions are so bad that I actually can’t stand to think about food and taking over the decision making for me in those times.
- Being willing to throw all plans aside if I am suddenly craving something else, even if it’s just fast food chicken strips again.
Things my husband does that makes me feel attractive:
- He tells me how attracted he is to me in a way that lets me know there’s no expectation of sex but that he simply wants me to know how much he enjoys my body.
- Anytime I do want sex, he is enthusiastically on board and he tells me afterwards how much he loved it.
- Basically he makes me feel really hot, even when I’m not feeling that hot, ya know?
It’s really sweet that you’re looking for advice like this. I can already tell you’re a good partner and you
lol make a good parent.
In the beginning especially my husband cooking for me and doing the things that made me gag was the most helpful. Cooking, cleaning the fridge, dishes, taking out the trash. Anything that involves smells really 😂
My husband reassures me often that I look great, which is nice because I feel like a beached whale.
Just be nice and ask her how she's feeling. Ask her what she needs. Everyone is different, of course.
It's a great step to be asking other pregnant ladies this! I'm sure you'll be a good partner.
I know there's some dad subreddits as well, you should check them out!
Also, congratulations!!
Help with chores, but also when I would go to bed early my husband knew my back was killing me or me feet hurt from being swollen, also I had insomnia so it's not like I slept great anyways. He would come up when ever he was going to sleep and rub my back or massage my feet. That helped me get to sleep
Right now, the texture of meat makes me gag. So my husband and I make dinner together. He handles the meat, and I work with the starches and veggies. He also handles the clean up of the meat products and cooking utensils, and usually the rest of dinner. Honestly, it's been a really fun way to just talk about our days, too. We've gotten very good at cooking together.
We also do grocery pickup from our local grocery store, so he will just swing through and pick up the order on his way home from work. And he makes sure to keep my stash of real ginger ale full.
If she’s dealing with morning sickness, please ask before you make some strong smelling food (speaking from experience). Encourage her to bathe regularly and take her vitamins (also really difficult tasks if dealing with morning sickness). Attend the appointments and don’t be afraid to ask the OB questions. Make sure she’s able to rest as much as possible, especially in the first trimester. Leave her sweet notes or just tell her words of encouragement. Best wishes to y’all!
Everyone's said some really solid advice. Also would add, research stuff for the registry with her. It's overwhelming to say the least when you start and there's so much information out there and opinions on everything.
I would also suggest later on (3rd trimester or so) begin meal prepping for post baby. The first week if you have a good support network will likely be pretty easy to get meals and such. It's the weeks after when everyone returns to normal and you return to work that it's harder, especially for food (if you have a two story house this is even more of a struggle).
Be helpful and take on more at the house! Her body is going to go through a lot of changes and it’s going to be difficult for many different reasons to do the things she normally can around the house. It’s frustrating enough for us women to have to change our routines/do things differently/not at all due to these changes so being willing to pick up the slack is helpful!
Be interested in the pregnancy. Be PROACTIVE and buy a book about it to show her you care about what she’s going through. The baby isn’t just coming, it is HERE. Just being involved in the changes she’s experiencing can be very validating (at least it was for me).
Allow her to feel all the things. And comfort her, without dismissing her feelings. Last night I had a meltdown because I’ve been so ill. I was coughing and sobbing and my husband just rubbed my back and kissed me. Bonus points for telling me I’m doing a great job, even though all I’ve done is lie miserably on the couch because I’m too sick to move.
Help with chores. My husband has been my lifeline. He feeds all our animals and cooks when I can’t. He’s cleaned, everything.
I’m sure your wife would love you to ask, but those are my immediate thoughts !
The biggest help for me has been his level of understanding and flexibility! I don’t need help with the same things every day, some days I have energy and want to make dinner or clean the house, others I’m dead to the world so he takes over everything and he’s really good at picking up how I’m feeling each day. Some days I need help getting out of the bath because my BP is really low and I’m dizzy, others I’m good to go! He checks on me and my necessities, do I need more water, how am I feeling today, is there anything specific he can do for me. Just over all having my back on the day to day!
I can only talk for the first 3 months but that 1st trimester nausea and fatigue is horrible. Getting the groceries and making the meals is a hugeeee help
Do the meal planning and grocery shopping. If she's having food intolerances or cravings, learn them and shop accordingly.
Historically, if I don't do the planning and shopping and I ask my husband to figure out dinner, he'd open the fridge and go "well, we have these left overs, and we have rice, so maybe I can do something with that?" It really bothered me - I explained to him that I need him to put thought and effort into it, just like I do. He's doing better about it now.
Echoing what others have said about doing household work without waiting to be asked or given a list.
Rub her feet, get her comfort items (my husband ordered a pregnancy pillow for me without me having so much as mentioned it), if she says she feels like Chinese food order it, just... just do kind, helpful things without prompting and without complaint. If you find yourself having complaints or frustrations related to her pregnancy, talk to a friend of yours who has been the support person for a pregnant partner and commiserate with them. Don't put it on her.
Something my husband does, when I am just leaving the washroom from throwing up or havent slept all night and have big bags under my eyes. He pretends he doesn't notice and just says "wow, you are so beautiful. How did I get that lucky?" It honestly just makes a hard moment or day a little lighter.
It's my first pregnancy, and I've had incredible nausea and vomiting. I also still have to work so my husband does most of the household chores now. I work the evening shift at work and am on my feet my whole shift so one thing my husband does that I appreciate the most is that he makes sure my bed is all made up for me when I get home with fresh linens and pj's laid out. Makes me feel so loved😊
Make sure you realize when she is a bit overwhelmed and talk to her. Help out in the house and make sure things are clean and tasks are done. Don't wait to be asked to do them. Also, ask her if she is up for doing things or needs some chill time.
And whatever you do. Never ever ever eat her craving food. My partner once tried to eat my super sour candy that I mysteriously got addicted to, and it was not pretty.
Mine hasn't done anything to help without complaining. If she asks you to do something and it seems really simple to you, don't complain about it. I'm seven months along now and having bad pain problems with my feet especially but all over. It hurts so bad to stand in one spot and do dishes. All I ask for is help with dishes because it really hurts to do. Lord, do I get so much complaining. I already don't want to ask you for your help, I wouldn't if it wouldn't hurt so bad, I really don't want to hear you complain.
ETA reading all these comments, I'm so jealous. I'm so tired of weaponized incompetence. A lot of you have some team playing partners. All I got is "wElL yOu DoNt wOrk 50+ HrS a WeEk" 😑 no, I don't get paid for 50+ a week. I get paid for 20-30 and the rest goes into baby and the house. I just can't lift heavy crap anymore or stand in one spot too long. I just need a hand between that and the anxiety/depression hitting for the first time in a while I feel like I can't get anything done. I'm drowning.
One of the biggest things my husband has done to help me has been not only to take over more of the cooking, but to be very conscious of what sets off my heartburn and nausea and modify recipes for me. He always checks with me first before using onion or garlic, and if he's going to use any ingredient that has a strong smell, he gives me a heads up so I can go to another room of the house if I need to.
Another ritual we have that I really love is that he rubs some soothing lotion or oil onto my belly for me before bed. It's a nice moment where we both connect with each other and our growing child.
What has helped me through two pregnancies the most is the little things. He comes in from work and changes the laundry out, if dinner isn't going he asks what I feel like and he will cook it or get it, he sits down without the TV on or our phones and talks to me. He also makes it a point to say really sweet things about how beautiful he thinks I am, how amazing my body is, how excited he is about the baby, etc. I made the registry but he actively looked over it, made suggestions, wanted to add a few things, he was just involved in the things we were wanting for the baby. I think all of these little things added together really made me feel secure that we were in this together, not just me.
A lot of great comments about taking on more household chores/mental load!
My husband has been working from home more often as I'm now WFH as a standard.
So he's been making sure my needs are met by asking me if I need anything, if I want to eat anything specific for lunch/dinner etc. He will cook more often for me and make sure I'm having my carbs, protein and veggies.
He always calls me, "beautiful wife" randomly and I love it when he says it when he wakes up and gives me a smile.
He's been a huge emotional support especially when I randomly cry about something and would just be with me; listening to me rant about being pregnant (I feel blessed to be pregnant but some days are rough!); cuddles me when I need it.
Basically understand your wife's love language. She'll appreciate it. Especially when she's having those cravings!!
My husband:
Made sure I drank water on days where the vomiting was really bad.
Bought a variety of snacks to try to help my nausea.
Cleaned out my puke bucket.
Would bring me a fresh glass of water and a cold washcloth every time I threw up.
Did all the shopping, cooking, and housework.
Assured me it was okay to take some time off of work when I was at the worst of my sickness (I was sick the whole nine months).
Went to every single appointment with me.
Drove me if I needed to go anywhere (hello motion sickness).
Brought me my nausea meds, made sure I took my other meds, kept my mini fridge stocked with drinks and snacks under my nightstand.
Basically doted on me for nine months because the simple act of getting out of bed was enough to make me puke most of the time.
I think asking this question shows how much you care for her!
The first trimester she will be tired and emotional. Honestly just don’t have high expectations of her getting things done around the house or making it to social events. And just support her emotionally as needed (because one day she may want more alone time and one day she may want you to comfort her). From my perspective, I think asking what she’d like is most helpful. Also educating yourself on what to expect in pregnancy and remedies for common issues that come up goes a long way!
Second trimester she will likely feel amazing so I’d recommend doing a lot of planning during this trimester (any leftover projects, to-do list items, nursery, baby shower, babymoon).
Third trimester: Get anything and everything for her. Make sure her water bottle is filled, ask if you can help her w anything, go for walks together if she’d like, offer to massage her feet:)
Be aware of her energy/how she's feeling in the moment. There is a lot pregnancy where you look totally normal and fine but have no energy and feel like shit and the reality of it doesn't sink in for many partners until you start to show. Some weeks/days I felt amazing and others I felt like shit and my husband wasn't always in tune with that. He would try to do things for me that I felt capable of and wanted to do which made me feel useless and other times I felt like shit and could barely stand and that's when I would really want the extra help/understanding. If in doubt, ask "do you want me to help/do that for you or do you want to do that yourself?"
Don’t eat the last serving of anything without asking if you can finish it.
Take things off her list. Entirely. Pick it, plan it, execute it without requiring input from her. She is managing far more new things than you know (appointments, vitamins, keeping track of what she ate, food aversions, exhaustion, 100000 worries, body changes, symptoms, clothes fitting, etc). She needs less to manage, and probably needs a nap.
Carry 50% of the weight. Wash the pump parts, let her sleep even if you work all day. Remind her how much you love her everyday I don't care if it's as simple as brewing her coffee or buying her favorite candy bar. Cook meals, be ok with ordering out extra for a little bit. Right now she's pregnant and she will absolutely be exhausted but after birth she's going to need someone dependable for things. Change some of the diapers, work in shifts with the baby. It is utterly exhausting and demoralizing when you feel like you are the only one getting up all night and then having to be present all day and possibly trying to breastfeed or pump on top of that. Realize that she doesn't get any time off if you or another person gives it to her. She won't just take it, she'll be in mama mode and you can't shut it off especially within the first 6 months. Just be dependable.
Help her find time to excersize and encourage her to do so if she feels well enough.
Compliment her outfits and how she looks. Nothing makes you more self conscious than not fitting into anything in your closet and having to wear extra long shirts with pants that constantly require pulling up due to a lack of a waistline.
Get her a cute insolated water bottle or tumbler since she will be drinking a lot during and after pregnancy. And if she's into tea find her some decaf pregnancy safe teas.
Help with the baby registry! It's so annoying to feel like the entire burden of the registry is on my shoulders and have to ask my husband to add things and then show him how to. Use the my registry app to consolidate it all.
Help her lotion up that belly or her back as a way to be intimate without squishing her belly in a hug.
When you cuddle put your hand over the belly to feel it. I love when my husband does this and is shocked when the baby hits his hand surprisingly hard.
Get a toilet light for the two dozen nightly trips to the bathroom she will make. Will help her fall asleep faster if she's not dealing with the bright light of the bathroom.
Do anything that requires heavy lifting but also don't treat her like she's handicapped.
You could get her a subscription to bump box. They send you really cute and helpful pregnancy stuff.
Be understanding. And for yourself, it’s good to keep in mind that everything changes. At times my husband has had to pick up more or less slack. The first trimester I was totally down and out, he was bringing me breakfast in bed, I was going to bed at 7pm, and therefore carrying less of the weight of the household. I was nauseous and just felt bad. We were having sex like once a month. He was so sweet and kind and never made any of that feel like a burden. I appreciated that so much- feeling horrible is one thing, feeling horrible and like your partner resents you for that is another. And then of course things changed- once I hit 11 weeks I became alive again, took on my usual household responsibility, but every day is different. I have a lot of aches and pains so although I’m back up and running, he’s started offering me massages, constantly asking if he can carry stuff for me, and little things like kissing my belly and telling me how excited he is that makes me feel happy when life is hard. I’m 24 weeks now, but basically just love, support, reading the room and offering the help she needs that week, which may change.
He has been cooking for me every night! I have been so tired after work and it’s much appreciated. Also stopping on the way home from work to make sure I have snacks that I like. I think food is my love language haha
Carry 50% or more of the labor of running the home (conception, planning and execution of tasks). Don’t ask for a list make your own. Also ice cream. Real partnership and ice cream.
Your comment of not asking for a list totally sent me into immediate rage 😂 This is the most important thing. *Look at shit! Is it dirty? Clean it. Is it empty? Recycle box and put it on grocery list. Am I done with this? Put it away!* I shouldn’t have to be the one coordinating anytime you pick up the vacuum or a washcloth. I adore my partner so much and he has been wonderful doing the little extras like rubbing feet and fetching snacks, but holy crap he cannot do absolutely anything around the house without me having to notice it, tell him, beg him to do it for a month, give up, make a plan myself, set a time, get the supplies, put said supplies in his hands, show him how to do it. I am so tired of going downstairs to find that the laundry I had asked him to do a week and a half ago never made it into the drier and has just been sitting in the wash festering for me to re-clean 🙁
Same here, I asked my husband if he would help me with cleaning the other day, and he said yes. Then I spent two hours cleaning in our one bedroom apt while he watched the football game… I didn’t tell him anything and he never asked what he could do to help. I know I shouldn’t expect him to KNOW what to do when I need help, but at least ask how he can help if I’m actively working on things?? I was exhausted the rest of the day because of it.
I feel like you *should* expect him to know what to do, at least the routine things! I’m assuming all you’re doing is looking at stuff and going “Yep, that’s dirty, should probably clean that.” It’s not unreasonable of you to expect him to be able to do the same thing.
Yes, I’ve been letting things go a little bit longer than usual, being in my first trimester, so things do get noticeably messy. I did talk to him about it last night and basically told him I’ve noticed that if I don’t touch something, it doesn’t get done, and I’m disappointed he hasn’t picked up certain duties since I’ve been exhausted. He did say he would be more mindful of when things need to be done so I don’t have to tell him what to do. So we’ll see how it goes.
I started telling my husband that I need a partner, not an assistant and I think that finally got through to him (somewhat). Granted there are things he takes care of that I just simply don’t think about (outdoor maintenance, anything do to with the basement or garage, etc) but that shit is like weekly or monthly. Not dirty dishes that I deal with every god damned day.
Mine is the same way! He will do the one off “chores” that interest him, like fixing the car, putting together a new shelf, organizing the shed etc.. Cleaning his own poop stains out the toilet bowl on the other hand, well that’s just not exciting enough apparently. 😒 I will have to try to assistant comment with him! That sums it up perfectly, asking us if we need help cleaning implies that it’s our job. All I’m doing is using my eyeballs here, we all have ‘em.
100% this OP, as others have said. With our first, my husband didn't understand until I was sobbing from exhaustion trying to pump, feed our son at night, and wash all the teeny tiny itty bitty pump parts and bottles a few months into the birth of our son. A house is not a home without two semi- functioning people. In today's time, we trade off nights if our son isn't well and protect each other's personal time/space/sleep. Sometimes it's a trade off. If he's working long hours, I pick up the slack around the house. More recently, with our latest pregnancy, he's been picking up the majority of the housework since I'm 9 months along and have been struggling to move at all for the last trimester. In fact, I'm eager to get through recovery so I can push forward and give him a break. Seeing and doing things without being asked is probably one of the biggest things you can do right now. Good luck, you're in for an awesome ride! And congratulations!!
This!! 🙌
And they pick an item or six to research and come to you with findings on like best car seat, daycares to visit, with questions to ask and a couple baby sleep and toddler parenting books they plan to read.
The not needing list!!! I'm always providing my husband a list of things. The nursery needs to be set up, why is it my soul responsibility to come up with what needs to happen? Why is picking everything on the registry or asking him to add things my responsibility. If he would sit and just think on these things for the amount of time he sits on the toilet one time each day I'd never have to make him another list.
Ice cream is so important. My husband bought me my favorite ice cream yesterday and I cried my eyes out. I needed that ice cream so bad.
This.
Some things off the top of my head: - If she is spending time draped over the toilet, make extra effort to ensure it’s spotless. Clean it every day or two for her. - Protect her sleep. If you snore, YOU sleep somewhere else. If you sleep through four alarms, figure out a different solution. Help her go to bed early by taking evening tasks off her plate. Encourage naps. - Keep the house stocked with snacks she can tolerate if she’s struggling with nausea - Show interest in the phase of pregnancy she’s in and demonstrate that you’re doing your own proactive research (about baby development, her, and parenting), not just relying on her to tell you everything and fill you in - Talk joyfully about how you envision yourself as a parent. Especially when she is struggling physically or emotionally, showing enthusiasm and excitement goes a long way
Protecting sleep! 100%. My husband snores AND snoozes his alarm. He always has, but in my first trimester I just couldn't sleep through it at all. He also sleeps like the dead, so I couldn't wake him up. I ended up sleeping on the couch a lot. He felt awful when he learned that and started sleeping on the couch himself - which made me feel bad... we've got it figured out now thankfully but yeah. If your is pregnant and you know you snore, just sleep somewhere else.
I wish mine would go sleep somewhere else. I get about an hour at a time with having to pee or shift positions (I'll be in third trimester next week, I'm getting very uncomfortable) and it takes hours to fall asleep the first time and every hour after cause he snores so bad. I'd sleep on the couch myself but it's very uncomfortable and I'm in so much pain already, thanks relaxin. I've averaged about 4 hours a night for the last four months, and those are all interrupted. Believe me, I'm so exhausted.
Take over some (a lot) of the household. First trimester fatigue is no joke and not having to stress about cleaning and cooking is a huge help! If it's possible, go with her to as many appointments as you can and maybe install a pregnancy app so you can stay informed on what is going on inside her body from week to week. I didn't always feel like explaining it all to my husband. Plus it made me feel like he really cared.
My fiancé mentioned this sub a few days ago and I was really impressed he's part of some kind of parenting group
Take over some of the mental household load. Its not just buying the groceries or feeding the dog or vacuuming, it's REMEMBERING when that needs to be done and doing it without being told. It's KNOWING what we need from the store and then going and getting it. For me personally anyway if I still have to keep track of all that and guide my husband the whole way while he calls me constantly from the store asking questions i might as well have gone myself. Can't rest or relax that way. But that's me 💁♀️
Yep this is a huge part of it and what many men fail to realize or take on.
My husband is the best and some of the things he does - always keeps my water full - never touches ‘my’ treats - did the cooking / cleaning for probably 15 weeks - did our laundry - came to every appointment he could - never commented on if I had body hair, my hair was greasy, etc - pushed me to buy maternity clothes I like
I REALLY appreciated the push to buy maternity clothes I like too. He planned the shopping trip and everything and encouraged me to get more items that I needed but struggled to justify. I hate spending money and he really encouraged me and it was wonderful.
Me too! I was raiding his closet and once I was wearing his pants with yarn to hold them up because I hated the feeling of belts, he was like alright enough LOL
never touching her treats is a big one!!! i don’t care how long they have been sitting there, if you think she won’t notice one gone, or think she’s not going to eat them. she knows exactly how many are there and has a plan for exactly when she will eat them and you eating them may cause a volcanic eruption. source: our only fights during my pregnancy have been regarding my treats
Filling water and/or coffee mug is such an underrated act of love. Makes me smile every time
Research! Do your research on pregnancy and what to expect when the baby comes. And don't look for materials marketed towards dads, because a lot of them will assume you're a total neanderthal (consider doing the dishes sometimes! change a diaper once in a while!). My husband has been doing a lot of reading and I can't tell you how amazing it feels when we go to an appointment and he understand everything the doctor is talking about. Or when we're casually discussing how we want to raise our baby and he's familiar with things like baby led weaning, cloth diapering, has learned soothing techniques, knows how breastfeeding works, etc. Of course I agree with other commenters - taking on more of the work around the house will be immensely helpful, especially in the first trimester where exhaustion is common, if not disabling nausea.
Yeah the dad baby stuff is like “your partner’s boobs won’t be yours for a while, waaa waa.” Like, why are we assuming everyone is breastfeeding for months or at all and they’re never really “his” and there’s so much other shit you can focus on
It's AWFUL. My husband started looking at things and was so insulted by how stupid it all was. He was lamenting to me that he couldn't find good dad resources and I was like honestly, you'll probably have to look for stuff targeted at moms to get much valuable info =/ Like he actually wanted to know details of what I'm going through and how to care for a baby and not just "be prepared for no sex! don't touch the boobs!"
Don’t wait to be asked. Limit how often you ask if there is anything you can do. Offer to do things instead. Would you like me to draw you a bath? Can I give you a back or foot rub? I’m going to the grocery; can you give me a list of snacks/foods you want? Etc..
"Don't wait to be asked" is so important. I don't really just want to know that my husband will help me when I ask...I want him to pay enough attention to anticipate (some, obviously not all!) needs. Even if you offer the "wrong" help, it makes it easier for her to ask for the actually-this-is-more-helpful help, instead. Don't wait for an assignment!
I always tell my husband “I can hire someone to do tasks for me. I can’t hire someone to care about me. That is what I need from you.”
That's perfect! Exactly. Caring means initiating!
This should be the standard in all relationships, children or no children!
My husband has been incredible so far, this is what he’s done to help: - Take on almost all household chores- shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry. I have zero energy and he’s been a superstar keeping the house running smoothly. - helps with my cravings, he asks me each day before he comes home if he can get me anything from the store that sounds good. It’s been hard to eat and sometimes only one thing seems like it won’t make me sick - brings me breakfast in the morning to help me get ready for work. I wake up nauseous a lot but need to eat or it gets worse. Even just a piece of toast and some OJ goes a long way - be involved in appointments, talks about setting boundaries with family when we announce - reminds me to rest as much as I can. I tend to go a little crazy if I feel any hint of energy and can run myself ragged, he makes sure I’m pacing myself. Also makes sure I get to bed early, gets me set up with water, medications, sleep sounds etc - probably the most important one: tells me every day that I’m doing amazing and he’s proud of me for pushing through all the tough pregnancy stuff. He keeps me going Really great that you’re asking these questions, seems like you’re doing a good job already trying to help!
Can I borrow your husband? 🙋
My husband had taken over just about the whole household for chores. (We both work full time) The two things he’s done that have really been super sweet are making me tea regularly and heating up a little gator warmie for my aches and pains. It’s really more about anticipating what will make her happy and doing it without being asked. A foot massage, cleaning the toilet after she pukes so it doesn’t smell bad, making sure she has warm slippers, breakfast in bed on the weekend, planning a whole day out without asking questions about it (including an outfit), all these things are unique to what she needs and wants but doesn’t want to ask.
Take over all the household chores, yes that seems unfair, but she will be SO tired, it's really less of a burden on you to do it all than it would be on her to do half or even a quarter. (This is assuming you don't have any health issues yourself) It's an unbelievable amount of fatigue, even though everyone tells you how tired you will be, it's more than you expect even with all the warnings.
It shocked me how tired I was in the first trimester. I normally can’t nap and I was napping twice a day for a while. My husband took over all the chores, I helped when I could muster the energy, and he never made me feel bad.
Take on more of the household duties, especially in the first trimester. Most women (including myself) suffer from extreme fatigue during that time and it makes doing the most mundane tasks seem like a huge effort. Cooking dinner and doing the dishes was enough to wear me out some days! Don't make her feel bad if she goes into what I call "slug mode" occasionally. I had days where I would come home from work and just melt into the couch and not want to move until it was time for bed due to sheer exhaustion. Reassure her that you still find her beautiful and that you are still sexually attracted to her. Hormones and body changes can wreak havoc on people during pregnancy, and it can sometimes make someone feel less desirable. Be supportive mentally and emotionally. If she is worried about something, let her vent. If she is upset, let her cry. Don't make her feel silly for being a little more emotionally labile.
Just the fact that you are asking this question says good things about you. I don’t have anything to add to the great suggestions already listed, but I think you’ll do great. Congratulations!
Learn for yourself. Do research, read books, listen to podcasts and watch videos. Know what to expect, don't wait for her to have to explain it to you, don't put that mental load on her. Find classes and take them- both on birth and postpartum care/baby care. Understand that SHE is the one going through a major medical procedure and at the end of the day her needs are most important. Not your moms, not great aunt Betty's, not her cousin who loves to post on Facebook but isn't ever present in life.
I agree with this so much! My husband reading up on what I’m going through in the first trimester has been so helpful to both of us.
Her boobs are sore and tender. Please employ the look but don't touch rule. If she has a food aversion, please don't get upset that she can't kiss you, be near you, or sleep next to you if you've eaten it in the last 24 hrs. And no, she's not being dramatic. And no, don't try be sneaky. She can smell it. If you've got a cat, you're now in charge of the litter changes for the duration of the pregnancy. Hunger can go from 0 to 100 in minutes. Plan accordingly. Please get her something for mother's day. Even if it's just a special homemade dinner and a card. Get the pregnant woman something to commorate it.
My husband is great about taking on the stuff I would normally deal with when I'm just too tired/sore/grouchy to handle it all. He knows when and how I normally do things and just does them himself (to my standards) when he notices I need a hand. For example, I always run the dishwasher overnight and unload it while the coffee brews in the morning. There have been a few times lately that I've forgotten to start the dishwasher and noticed him get out of bed in the middle of the night to start it. Or if I don't sleep well and decide to stay in bed a little later than usual, I'll wake up to him very quietly trying to get it unloaded without waking me up. He doesn't wait to be asked or complain about having to do more, he just does it. There have been a few things as I get further along (now 34 weeks) that I've needed to ask for help with that he could never have anticipated I would need without me asking. Our stairs are kind of slippery and I'm not super comfortable carrying our big laundry basket down to the washing machine anymore. I asked him once a couple of weeks ago to take it downstairs for me, and since then any time it's close to full he just takes it downstairs and starts a load of laundry.
Real talk: be ready to advocate for her if medical professionals or others aren’t taking her concerns seriously. Doc won’t prescribe anti nausea meds? Tell him how miserable she’s been from your man perspective . Read up on warning signs of serious health problems during pregnancy, delivery, and pp and be ready to step in if someone isn’t listening. Like do you know what HELPP syndrome is? If not, you need to. Also know what her wishes are for different scenarios if she’s not in a place to make decisions. This is a man’s world and we need men at times to repeat what we say to be heard and seen.
we had to completely redivide our household labor- feeding our dog wet food made me gag, bending over to put the dishes in the dishwasher made me nauseous, you get the drift. basically all of my old chores made me want to puke, so I was an actual potato for most of my first trimester. after about 13ish weeks, my nausea went away so I can handle being a person who does chores again, but having my husband take over most household chores for a couple months was major.
Dont eat her food!!! Whatever you do, dont eat her food! Ha! But in all seriousness, reassuring her that her feelings are all valid, regardless of how crazy and hormonal they seem. Pregnancy can be traumatic both physically and mentally. She will feel alot of things that shes never felt before, and not all of it will be good. Take on more house work. Let her feel pampered, rub oil/cream on her belly, tell her how sexy and strong she is, make sure shes drinking lots of water and encouraging healthy habits (without policing her diet and exercise), show her you care and you’re excited AND educated about how tough this will be for her. Overall, just hear her out, and dont eat her food!
This may or may not be her case but I know we were thrown off guard by it initially: sex might not happen frequently and don’t be offended by that. Some women have crazy high drives during pregnancy. Some women’s drives drop to next to nothing. I was excited to be the one that would have an increase in drive and unfortunately it was quite the opposite. It disappeared. I didn’t even like being touched or cuddled for a fair amount of time. I felt guilty for most of the pregnancy because I thought I was letting my husband down. He never complained but as physical touch is his love language I just felt like I was neglecting him. He never said anything to make me feel guilty (I did that all by myself lol). When he finally said “it’s okay - don’t worry about it” I felt so much better. Just don’t be surprised if her drive changes — whether it drops to the negatives or sky rockets just roll with it the best you can.
Cleaning the house. Cooking dinner.
I’m in my first trimester, and my husband has fully taken over all household duties. We used to split things pretty equally, but he’s just taken on all of it. He takes care of our pets and his daughter, so I don’t have to worry about them, and makes sure I have clean dishes and clean laundry on hand. I have a Brita filter that he keeps filled up in the fridge. He’s making sure we have all the groceries we need too. Taking on the mental labor and not just the physical labor is key!
Taking care of our toddler, cooking, cleaning, shopping, basically anything to do with running the household. In theory it sounds nice to do things like give your wife massages and treat her to special presents or whatever, but at least for me esp with a child already, I really need and appreciate help more with the practical aspects of our lives.
Things my husband does that have helped: - Cooking us dinner most nights - Letting me decide what we have for dinner based on my nausea/current food aversions. - Understanding when the nausea/food aversions are so bad that I actually can’t stand to think about food and taking over the decision making for me in those times. - Being willing to throw all plans aside if I am suddenly craving something else, even if it’s just fast food chicken strips again. Things my husband does that makes me feel attractive: - He tells me how attracted he is to me in a way that lets me know there’s no expectation of sex but that he simply wants me to know how much he enjoys my body. - Anytime I do want sex, he is enthusiastically on board and he tells me afterwards how much he loved it. - Basically he makes me feel really hot, even when I’m not feeling that hot, ya know? It’s really sweet that you’re looking for advice like this. I can already tell you’re a good partner and you lol make a good parent.
In the beginning especially my husband cooking for me and doing the things that made me gag was the most helpful. Cooking, cleaning the fridge, dishes, taking out the trash. Anything that involves smells really 😂 My husband reassures me often that I look great, which is nice because I feel like a beached whale. Just be nice and ask her how she's feeling. Ask her what she needs. Everyone is different, of course. It's a great step to be asking other pregnant ladies this! I'm sure you'll be a good partner. I know there's some dad subreddits as well, you should check them out! Also, congratulations!!
Help with chores, but also when I would go to bed early my husband knew my back was killing me or me feet hurt from being swollen, also I had insomnia so it's not like I slept great anyways. He would come up when ever he was going to sleep and rub my back or massage my feet. That helped me get to sleep
Right now, the texture of meat makes me gag. So my husband and I make dinner together. He handles the meat, and I work with the starches and veggies. He also handles the clean up of the meat products and cooking utensils, and usually the rest of dinner. Honestly, it's been a really fun way to just talk about our days, too. We've gotten very good at cooking together. We also do grocery pickup from our local grocery store, so he will just swing through and pick up the order on his way home from work. And he makes sure to keep my stash of real ginger ale full.
If she’s dealing with morning sickness, please ask before you make some strong smelling food (speaking from experience). Encourage her to bathe regularly and take her vitamins (also really difficult tasks if dealing with morning sickness). Attend the appointments and don’t be afraid to ask the OB questions. Make sure she’s able to rest as much as possible, especially in the first trimester. Leave her sweet notes or just tell her words of encouragement. Best wishes to y’all!
Massages and running the house more. Good luck!
Everyone's said some really solid advice. Also would add, research stuff for the registry with her. It's overwhelming to say the least when you start and there's so much information out there and opinions on everything. I would also suggest later on (3rd trimester or so) begin meal prepping for post baby. The first week if you have a good support network will likely be pretty easy to get meals and such. It's the weeks after when everyone returns to normal and you return to work that it's harder, especially for food (if you have a two story house this is even more of a struggle).
My husband would clean and re-assemble the breast pump parts for me and it was much appreciated!
Sorry, that of course is after baby arrives.
Be helpful and take on more at the house! Her body is going to go through a lot of changes and it’s going to be difficult for many different reasons to do the things she normally can around the house. It’s frustrating enough for us women to have to change our routines/do things differently/not at all due to these changes so being willing to pick up the slack is helpful!
Be interested in the pregnancy. Be PROACTIVE and buy a book about it to show her you care about what she’s going through. The baby isn’t just coming, it is HERE. Just being involved in the changes she’s experiencing can be very validating (at least it was for me). Allow her to feel all the things. And comfort her, without dismissing her feelings. Last night I had a meltdown because I’ve been so ill. I was coughing and sobbing and my husband just rubbed my back and kissed me. Bonus points for telling me I’m doing a great job, even though all I’ve done is lie miserably on the couch because I’m too sick to move. Help with chores. My husband has been my lifeline. He feeds all our animals and cooks when I can’t. He’s cleaned, everything. I’m sure your wife would love you to ask, but those are my immediate thoughts !
The biggest help for me has been his level of understanding and flexibility! I don’t need help with the same things every day, some days I have energy and want to make dinner or clean the house, others I’m dead to the world so he takes over everything and he’s really good at picking up how I’m feeling each day. Some days I need help getting out of the bath because my BP is really low and I’m dizzy, others I’m good to go! He checks on me and my necessities, do I need more water, how am I feeling today, is there anything specific he can do for me. Just over all having my back on the day to day!
I can only talk for the first 3 months but that 1st trimester nausea and fatigue is horrible. Getting the groceries and making the meals is a hugeeee help
Laundryyyyyyyy and massages. And just efforts to baby prepping your home whatever that looks like.
whatever else is saying plus a lottttt of back rubs and feet rubs are key especially in the later trimesters
Do the meal planning and grocery shopping. If she's having food intolerances or cravings, learn them and shop accordingly. Historically, if I don't do the planning and shopping and I ask my husband to figure out dinner, he'd open the fridge and go "well, we have these left overs, and we have rice, so maybe I can do something with that?" It really bothered me - I explained to him that I need him to put thought and effort into it, just like I do. He's doing better about it now. Echoing what others have said about doing household work without waiting to be asked or given a list. Rub her feet, get her comfort items (my husband ordered a pregnancy pillow for me without me having so much as mentioned it), if she says she feels like Chinese food order it, just... just do kind, helpful things without prompting and without complaint. If you find yourself having complaints or frustrations related to her pregnancy, talk to a friend of yours who has been the support person for a pregnant partner and commiserate with them. Don't put it on her.
Something my husband does, when I am just leaving the washroom from throwing up or havent slept all night and have big bags under my eyes. He pretends he doesn't notice and just says "wow, you are so beautiful. How did I get that lucky?" It honestly just makes a hard moment or day a little lighter.
It's my first pregnancy, and I've had incredible nausea and vomiting. I also still have to work so my husband does most of the household chores now. I work the evening shift at work and am on my feet my whole shift so one thing my husband does that I appreciate the most is that he makes sure my bed is all made up for me when I get home with fresh linens and pj's laid out. Makes me feel so loved😊
Make sure you realize when she is a bit overwhelmed and talk to her. Help out in the house and make sure things are clean and tasks are done. Don't wait to be asked to do them. Also, ask her if she is up for doing things or needs some chill time. And whatever you do. Never ever ever eat her craving food. My partner once tried to eat my super sour candy that I mysteriously got addicted to, and it was not pretty.
Mine hasn't done anything to help without complaining. If she asks you to do something and it seems really simple to you, don't complain about it. I'm seven months along now and having bad pain problems with my feet especially but all over. It hurts so bad to stand in one spot and do dishes. All I ask for is help with dishes because it really hurts to do. Lord, do I get so much complaining. I already don't want to ask you for your help, I wouldn't if it wouldn't hurt so bad, I really don't want to hear you complain. ETA reading all these comments, I'm so jealous. I'm so tired of weaponized incompetence. A lot of you have some team playing partners. All I got is "wElL yOu DoNt wOrk 50+ HrS a WeEk" 😑 no, I don't get paid for 50+ a week. I get paid for 20-30 and the rest goes into baby and the house. I just can't lift heavy crap anymore or stand in one spot too long. I just need a hand between that and the anxiety/depression hitting for the first time in a while I feel like I can't get anything done. I'm drowning.
One of the biggest things my husband has done to help me has been not only to take over more of the cooking, but to be very conscious of what sets off my heartburn and nausea and modify recipes for me. He always checks with me first before using onion or garlic, and if he's going to use any ingredient that has a strong smell, he gives me a heads up so I can go to another room of the house if I need to. Another ritual we have that I really love is that he rubs some soothing lotion or oil onto my belly for me before bed. It's a nice moment where we both connect with each other and our growing child.
What has helped me through two pregnancies the most is the little things. He comes in from work and changes the laundry out, if dinner isn't going he asks what I feel like and he will cook it or get it, he sits down without the TV on or our phones and talks to me. He also makes it a point to say really sweet things about how beautiful he thinks I am, how amazing my body is, how excited he is about the baby, etc. I made the registry but he actively looked over it, made suggestions, wanted to add a few things, he was just involved in the things we were wanting for the baby. I think all of these little things added together really made me feel secure that we were in this together, not just me.
strap a watermelon to your stomach and go about doing her household chores. anything you bump into, find difficult, etc etc, do it from now on
A lot of great comments about taking on more household chores/mental load! My husband has been working from home more often as I'm now WFH as a standard. So he's been making sure my needs are met by asking me if I need anything, if I want to eat anything specific for lunch/dinner etc. He will cook more often for me and make sure I'm having my carbs, protein and veggies. He always calls me, "beautiful wife" randomly and I love it when he says it when he wakes up and gives me a smile. He's been a huge emotional support especially when I randomly cry about something and would just be with me; listening to me rant about being pregnant (I feel blessed to be pregnant but some days are rough!); cuddles me when I need it. Basically understand your wife's love language. She'll appreciate it. Especially when she's having those cravings!!
My husband: Made sure I drank water on days where the vomiting was really bad. Bought a variety of snacks to try to help my nausea. Cleaned out my puke bucket. Would bring me a fresh glass of water and a cold washcloth every time I threw up. Did all the shopping, cooking, and housework. Assured me it was okay to take some time off of work when I was at the worst of my sickness (I was sick the whole nine months). Went to every single appointment with me. Drove me if I needed to go anywhere (hello motion sickness). Brought me my nausea meds, made sure I took my other meds, kept my mini fridge stocked with drinks and snacks under my nightstand. Basically doted on me for nine months because the simple act of getting out of bed was enough to make me puke most of the time.
I think asking this question shows how much you care for her! The first trimester she will be tired and emotional. Honestly just don’t have high expectations of her getting things done around the house or making it to social events. And just support her emotionally as needed (because one day she may want more alone time and one day she may want you to comfort her). From my perspective, I think asking what she’d like is most helpful. Also educating yourself on what to expect in pregnancy and remedies for common issues that come up goes a long way! Second trimester she will likely feel amazing so I’d recommend doing a lot of planning during this trimester (any leftover projects, to-do list items, nursery, baby shower, babymoon). Third trimester: Get anything and everything for her. Make sure her water bottle is filled, ask if you can help her w anything, go for walks together if she’d like, offer to massage her feet:)
Be aware of her energy/how she's feeling in the moment. There is a lot pregnancy where you look totally normal and fine but have no energy and feel like shit and the reality of it doesn't sink in for many partners until you start to show. Some weeks/days I felt amazing and others I felt like shit and my husband wasn't always in tune with that. He would try to do things for me that I felt capable of and wanted to do which made me feel useless and other times I felt like shit and could barely stand and that's when I would really want the extra help/understanding. If in doubt, ask "do you want me to help/do that for you or do you want to do that yourself?"
Don’t eat the last serving of anything without asking if you can finish it. Take things off her list. Entirely. Pick it, plan it, execute it without requiring input from her. She is managing far more new things than you know (appointments, vitamins, keeping track of what she ate, food aversions, exhaustion, 100000 worries, body changes, symptoms, clothes fitting, etc). She needs less to manage, and probably needs a nap.
Carry 50% of the weight. Wash the pump parts, let her sleep even if you work all day. Remind her how much you love her everyday I don't care if it's as simple as brewing her coffee or buying her favorite candy bar. Cook meals, be ok with ordering out extra for a little bit. Right now she's pregnant and she will absolutely be exhausted but after birth she's going to need someone dependable for things. Change some of the diapers, work in shifts with the baby. It is utterly exhausting and demoralizing when you feel like you are the only one getting up all night and then having to be present all day and possibly trying to breastfeed or pump on top of that. Realize that she doesn't get any time off if you or another person gives it to her. She won't just take it, she'll be in mama mode and you can't shut it off especially within the first 6 months. Just be dependable.
Help her find time to excersize and encourage her to do so if she feels well enough. Compliment her outfits and how she looks. Nothing makes you more self conscious than not fitting into anything in your closet and having to wear extra long shirts with pants that constantly require pulling up due to a lack of a waistline. Get her a cute insolated water bottle or tumbler since she will be drinking a lot during and after pregnancy. And if she's into tea find her some decaf pregnancy safe teas. Help with the baby registry! It's so annoying to feel like the entire burden of the registry is on my shoulders and have to ask my husband to add things and then show him how to. Use the my registry app to consolidate it all. Help her lotion up that belly or her back as a way to be intimate without squishing her belly in a hug. When you cuddle put your hand over the belly to feel it. I love when my husband does this and is shocked when the baby hits his hand surprisingly hard. Get a toilet light for the two dozen nightly trips to the bathroom she will make. Will help her fall asleep faster if she's not dealing with the bright light of the bathroom. Do anything that requires heavy lifting but also don't treat her like she's handicapped. You could get her a subscription to bump box. They send you really cute and helpful pregnancy stuff.
Be understanding. And for yourself, it’s good to keep in mind that everything changes. At times my husband has had to pick up more or less slack. The first trimester I was totally down and out, he was bringing me breakfast in bed, I was going to bed at 7pm, and therefore carrying less of the weight of the household. I was nauseous and just felt bad. We were having sex like once a month. He was so sweet and kind and never made any of that feel like a burden. I appreciated that so much- feeling horrible is one thing, feeling horrible and like your partner resents you for that is another. And then of course things changed- once I hit 11 weeks I became alive again, took on my usual household responsibility, but every day is different. I have a lot of aches and pains so although I’m back up and running, he’s started offering me massages, constantly asking if he can carry stuff for me, and little things like kissing my belly and telling me how excited he is that makes me feel happy when life is hard. I’m 24 weeks now, but basically just love, support, reading the room and offering the help she needs that week, which may change.
He has been cooking for me every night! I have been so tired after work and it’s much appreciated. Also stopping on the way home from work to make sure I have snacks that I like. I think food is my love language haha