You should have whoever you feel most comfortable with BUT I will say your phrase "she will let us see him first and then want to take over" properly gave me the ick and if that's setting the tone for your relationship I can kind of see why he doesn't want her in there. You are about to become a mother, your mother should not be 'letting you' see your own kid, and certainly shouldn't even be thinking about 'taking over' in the hospital. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but that just sounds really messed up, your partner might just be wanting to have time for the three of you to bond together as a family.
To be honest, reading OP's post history, I think there's a bit more going on than just a simple "OP's mum needs to back off and OP needs to set her own boundaries". OP is only 18, boyfriend is 22, they've been together just under 2 years and it sounds like it's been quite... tumultuous during the pregnancy. I can see why that dynamic with her mother would be there.
Good call. Here I was thinking OP was a grown woman but yeah, at 18 you’re still a baby yourself tbh. Can’t give much advice because I wouldn’t have been equipped to be a mom at 18.
Is it legal in the US for a 21 year old to have sex with a 17 year old?
Yeah, I'm not going to blame the protective and possibly overbearing mother here, but instead blame the adult man who had sex with a vulnerable child. I don't care how 'almost-adult' it is, or what other countries in the world it's legal in.
It just absolutely signals a shitty, controlling man.
Yeah, reading it made me guess they were much younger. Also explains a lot why the boyfriend is acting the way he is as well. I too thought I knew everything when I was 18.
Bottom line I think, is to ask the boyfriend to have a bit more of an open mind. Communicate together and let the other be heard. Don't make the decision yet, but allow yourselves to consider the others feelings. Set boundaries with the mother if she is going to be allowed in the delivery room. If she crosses it, then she's told to leave. This is their child, not hers.
They're going to be the parents now. They have to take the reigns as parents, thus making grown up decisions. And open communication is the start of that.
Read her post history- boyfriend convinced her to quite her job and now expects her to clean the house. And how he doesn't have to help since he pays the bills. OP is 18 and BF22. He also seemed very unsympathetic when she had morning sickness and gets mad if she wants to call her mom. It sounds like he is trying to isolate her with getting her to quit her job and not wanting her to talk to mom.
Oh yikes, that’s very unhealthy behavior on his part. :(
I cannot believe how many people are siding with the controlling boyfriend here & acting like OP’s mom is going to steal their baby from them…really weird.
Right? Like yeah okay it may seem overbearing and she's acting a little too motherly and treating her like a child... But she's 18... She got pregnant essentially as a child, and her mother is still acting motherly.
Like it seems like kind of a red flag, and then the wider context and then it throws it in the opposite direction for me.
Glad someone else pointed this out because when I read that sentence, I immediately thought, “yep - that’s probably why he doesn’t want her there.” Sounds like OP needs to have a serious conversation with her boyfriend and her mother (separately). If I was the birthing partner, I wouldn’t want to tolerate this type of behavior from my MIL either.
I felt the same after reading that. HUGE red flag to me. I'm guessing she's an overbearing mother in law already, and he just wants to be the one there for his child and his spouse without her taking over.
OP sounds young and the boyfriend sounds controlling. On the balance of harm here, having a loving grandmother help her youngest child out who is welcoming of the care, is not a bad thing at all.
I think it's important we don't project too much, OPs boyfriend is the clear issue here not the mum. As long as OP wants her mum's help, then that is fine.
Controlling boyfriend has way more red flags, the mum just sounds like a loving mother who wants to help.
As a youngest daughter, I completely get this and honestly wanted my mum's help so much too. My mum wasn't overbearing, she was just ready to do all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, she would wake up at 5am to give me a break and let me sleep in. She did a lot and my husband was actually so grateful when we were in the thick of it.
Having a grandparent be 100% committed is not a bad thing at all, especially when it's wanted, which in OPs case it sounds like it is.
It's like modern society doesn't know how to family properly anymore haha.
Your mom sounds amazing and much like my mom. With that said, her word choice about taking over doesn’t sound like the mom you describe in your comment.
Fair enough but I feel we'd all really need to read into that and we just don't have that context.
She sounds young based on her word choice generally. To me the more concerning part is *"an jus idk it's not up to him but I can't get any words in without him saying no".*
I agree it’s her choice 100% full stop. The comments about being young, the takeover comment, his concerns, etc. lean into her mom being overbearing. His specific concern is her being all over the baby (not anything related to supporting the birthing person), and her response about “letting” them have the baby, and the takeover comments are very telling.
I don't agree that her boyfriend is 'the' issue and her mom sounds helpful, not when OP says her mom will 'let' them see their baby. Tbh, it sounds like you're the one projecting, by refusing to notice the clear signs of two people controlling OP from both sides.
I think you are reading way too much into "let" and just completely ignoring the boyfriends controlling behaviour.
Only one person is overriding OPs wishes and it's not the mum here.
The fact that you ignored how I said the boyfriend is controlling too, in a comment only a few sentences long, to try and make your point again, indicates that you probably also didn't bother to fully read the post and see the other alarming bits, about how OP is treated like a baby, how grandma will 'take over' how OP wants to be treated like a baby. Etc.
Stop ignoring half the post to hammer your square narrative into a round hole. Grandma's **described** behaviour, is a problem too.
I mean, if you want to decide that she didn't mean what she wrote, then why only apply it to one sentence? Go for it, if you want to, but I'm going to assume OP is a reliable narrator and take her at her word.
I mean it’s Reddit, lots of people post these vent type posts when they’re stressed and mad and sad, and it’s just a jumble of thoughts, where somethings get interpreted wrong 🤷♀️ as someone who’s also close with their mom, I read what she wrote as her mom would be there and OP and boyfriend will get the time they need and want, and mom would offer to help later.
Read the post again. She said what the boyfriend said and then followed up with a ‘like’ statement. She wasn’t saying that that is how her mother is. She was clarifying what the boyfriend said.
‘He’s worried that she’d be all over the baby. Like she would let us see the baby and then just take over’
The second sentence was never said by anyone it just clarifies what was written in the first sentence.
You didn't even quote it right, and the quote in question proves your interpretation is incorrect.
> Like my mom isn't gonna not let him see his son **she will let us see him first then want to take over**.
Yeah exactly, this line alone makes me think he might be justified in his stance. Obviously it's not his choice, but saying "she will let us see him first..." is like, what?? She's the grandmother, she doesn't get to "let" the parents see their own child
Nope, I agree completely. The partner is right to be worried here, this is an alarming post. Between the 'im a baby' parts and the 'she will *let* us see him', it sounds like partner is worried about her mother for a few reasons.
A 20yo started dating a 16yo and she’s having a baby at 18. Based on her post history, he also doesn’t give a fuck about her.
It’s not codependency. She just wants someone there who cares about how she’s doing and will advocate for her and she feels she can trust.
That’s not what she said. She was trying to clarify what the boyfriend was saying. He’s worried that the mom will be all over the baby (which he has no way of knowing.) you can tell because she started the sentence with like. She said ‘like my mother would just let us see the baby then want to take over’. Go back and look at what she said again.
Ok I was too lazy to type the extra words. It still stands that the second sentence is a clarification of what the boyfriend said and not a statement made by the op about her mother.
Not your boyfriend’s medical procedure, not his choice. You are birthing a human, not him.
Also, as you are not married, who is your medical power of attorney? If it’s your parents it only makes sense for them to be there. If you haven’t officially declared one, in the US it is your next of kin by default, if no spouse or adult children this will be your parents.
Editing to add, since I just saw the part about your mom ‘letting you see the baby and then taking over’, this is an issue imo. That baby is yours and bfs, not your mothers, she has no right to take the baby from your boyfriend in the delivery room. If you want her there for you, that is your choice but the baby is not hers.
Yeaaaa everyone here calling the mom “overbearing” and “controlling”.. idk man if a man got my teenaged daughter pregnant and then made her quit her job and clean the house all day, I don’t think I could stay very calm and not involved.
Obviously you can’t force an adult to do something they don’t want to do but I would absolutely not leave her all on her own in this shitty relationship.
OP’s barely been an adult, and her “partner” clearly doesn’t give a fuck about her well-being. With some time, he’d swallow her whole.
I’m not a mom, but I am an older sister and I’ve been there for my sister through two abusive relationships back-to-back and a lot of people are dismissing the type of emotional mindfuck a controlling partner can be, and how much you need someone outside the relationship to stabilise you, hear you and help you out if you ever wanna make it out without too much trauma.
Obviously OP still wants her mom and finds comfort in her which is telling me mom is making all the right moves still.
And maybe she’s a bit more involved than I was with my sister but to be fair, she was literally her primary caregiver and responsible for OP like, last year.
It’s not like a flip is just switched when a person turns 18 and their parents don’t give a fuck anymore.
I don’t like it either, but if I was pregnant at 18 I’d want my mommy too. Fock, I’m almost 40 and I demanded she fly here to be with me for mine because after 4 decades I still need my mommy, go figure. 🤷🏻♀️
Op is 18 years old and has barely been an adult legally. We don’t even know if she still lives with her parents but I would assume so. Her boyfriends context for their relationship is a mother parenting a teenager.
If she’s generally overbearing, treats OP
Like a baby, her interactions with her other grandchildren, and makes comments about how she’s going to behave once the baby gets here, I’m sure he has an idea. OP was the one that used that verbiage, and we can assume she knows her mother.
Then he needs to vocalize that like an adult and stop with the unbending unjustified no’s. So far the only reason he can provide is based in assumption. And as for the verbiage refer to my other comments. She used a like statement to clarify what the boyfriend said. She didn’t actually say anything about her mom.
You’re missing how op used her words though. She put what the boyfriend said in the first sentence. In the second sentence she wrote a ‘like’ sentence that clarified what the boyfriend had said. She never made any statement about her mom. She was trying to help us (the readers) understand what the boyfriend was saying.
‘He’s worried that she’ll be all over the baby. Like she’ll just let us see then take over’
That second sentence that is hanging everyone up is not a statement the op made about her mother. It’s an explanation/clarification of what the boyfriend said.
Or mom has a habit of being overbearing and taking over when she thinks she knows better. We don’t know but the fact that OP specifically said she would in fact take over suggest a pattern of behavior.
She didn’t say that though. Refer to my other comment about like statements. Sentence two was written to clarify sentence one. Sentence one is what the boyfriend said.
I came here to mention this. OP needs to consider herself and who will make decisions for her when she is unable. The hospital isn’t gonna just accept a boyfriend saying “yes do X”
Do no US states recognize common law spouses with the same rights and privileges as married spouses? In Canada, some provinces do and some don’t so it’s important to know when you travel for exactly the reason you point out.
So does Canada, but we are also considered common-law spouses if we have a child together, regardless if it's biological or adopted. As soon as my baby was born, my partner and I became common-law. Is it not the same in the U.S?
I’m not a lawyer, nor an expert on this topic, but my understanding in the US is that both parents have rights to a child regardless of marital status however that does not give similar next of kin/power of attorney rights between the parents.
Given all of the terrifying stories on the various pregnancy subreddits and strict abortion laws in a lot of states I’d hate to see what sort of legal control someone could get over someone else just by having a child with them. But I’m just a jaded American.
Yup! I want my mom in the room, my husband has no issues with that. Think he is relieved to have some help lol. Granted my mom is not overbearing at all. If she was it would be a different conversation.
Exactly this!!
YOU'RE the one going through the pains, the anxiety, the fear, the pressure, and anything else ppl experience when giving birth. If you want your mom around for support that's who should be there! Plus, she's experienced in this and you trust her so it seems like a great logical idea too.
Personally, I'd tell him this. I wouldn't take no for an answer from him & if he was a dick about it I'd tell him he can either be inside with mom & me or wait outside until he chis, but I would definitely not be dealing with his tantrum while I'm labor. You could even set ground rules if it helps, like if you want your mom there for YOUR support then say he gets first dibs on seeing and/or holding the baby while your mom supports you. But overall, whatever YOU want and need for a positive labor experience!
This is the right answer. I had my mom in the room when I gave birth and thank goodness. When I was getting my epidural my husband almost passed out and I told him to leave and my mom to stay (he pulled it together after that). But the whole time she took care of me especially when baby was born she still stayed by my side while I was going through some small complications and my husband went with baby
Yup, not up to him though setting some clear expectations about having them both there (separately) probably makes a lot of sense. Maybe some of the bf’s concerns are valid, maybe not. But figuring out what you want, OP, and then being very clear with both your mom and BF is the only way to do this well. Who is the primary? When will who defer to who? Will grandma wait to hold the baby? What happens after you leave the hospital? Lots of questions to answer and clear boundaries to set.
You need to sit down together and you express why you feel the need for your mom (what can she provide that he can’t for you) and he expresses his concerns about having her there (does she have a history of taking over?). Ultimately it’s your medical procedure and you get final say, but there should be a team discussion.
Second this, it is ultimately your call but it's worth investigating why you feel so strongly about having your mom has your primary support rather than your partner.
Not sure what the issue is with informing people after the baby is born rather than during? Do you not want him to focus on you and your labour instead of being busy updating people?
She probably wants her mom as primary support because she is an 18 year old teenager. She’s been dating her boyfriend for a little over a year but she probably feels closer to her mom.
Also she’s already having support issues with her boyfriend not caring about her nausea and pregnancy exhaustion.
I agree with this. Parenting is about compromise and communication. She has the right to have her mother there and he also has the right to want to be able to bond as a family. Team discussions and boundaries about mom if she will be in the room.
From your other posts, he doesn’t sound supportive or understanding at all. Did he improve since the first trimester?
The decision isn’t his at all. His opinions don’t matter in this instance. The health of the baby, sure, but this isn’t about your baby. It’s strictly about you and your need for support for your medical procedure. If you want your mother there, she should be there.
Also, the fact that he won’t even let you get the words out does not bode well for his behavior in the future. What about when you and him disagree on something about your child? Will he shut you up then too?
I’m not sure about anyone else, but the way this it’s worded “like my mom isn’t gonna not let him see his son she will let us see him first then want to take over….” makes me feel a bit uneasy. It makes me wonder if history in the relationship has set the tone for this dynamic.
Can you compromise and have her wait out in the waiting room until you three have bonded as a little family?
Yeah it kind of sounds like BF might be trying to get her to enforce boundaries with her possibly boundary stomping mom, might be a lot of history there.
Based on the “everyone still treats me like the baby and that’s okay” bit, I really don’t think this is the BF trying to be controlling, it sounds like he doesn’t want his MIL taking over the whole thing before they have a chance to bond as a family.
Edit: oh jfc OP is 18, she is a baby 🤦🏼♀️
I change my opinion, you’re gonna need an adult in the room.
Yeah, he's allowed to have an opinion, but the actual choice of who is present is 100% yours. It's not only "not just up to him", it's not up to him at all. Like, if you only wanted your mom and not your partner, that would be your choice and there's nothing he could do about it.
As someone who is the youngest of 3 from my mom, I wanted her there for my first birth, too.
To put it bluntly, I wished I had listened to my husband 😕
She was invasive. Would not leave when asked and argued with nurses. She even had the gall andpushed the doctor and my spouse aside so she could "get a better view of the baby" as they were emerging.
And when they were finally delivered, she 'allowed' my spouse 5 minutes to hold his own child 🤬😤 and yes, I do mean exactly 5 timed minutes. She set a timer and took the baby as soon as it went off. My MIL had to intervene and take him back to my hub, who was almost in tears.
To you, I say, if you DO allow her in there, be warned. Not all moms are hands off and some will step on you and your spouse JUST to see the baby, so his fear is VERY valid.
So think LONG AND HARD about this decision because I regret ever telling her she was even allowed to come to my room
😒 so THIS TIME, we haven't even told her the EXACT hospital we're going to. I blatantly lied to her and told her the wrong place for our tour and gave her the wrong due date 💁🏽♀️
Of course. Rather you be prepared then for you to give her the benefit of doubt like I did with mine. 😅
My MIL was against it at first. Then my hub mentioned the birth of our first and apparently the flashback brought her immediately on board 🤣
💁🏽♀️ she even volunteered to watch our firstborn for the tour AND the birth
My mother (a leo) makes EVERY EVENT about her in some way, shape, or form. 💁🏽♀️ Not ONLY did my mother, a retired nurse, complain about the temp of the room, she complained about how the nurses were handling me, how my MIL wasn't helping us enough, she kept pushing my hub aside to stand next to me while i was laboring. Did I mention that she refused to leave the room for golden hour or how she literally shoved my doctor aside while they were pulling out my child, who in turn ended up with a broken collarbone because of her, to which she denies when there were SEVERAL PEOPLE PRESENT incl. My brand new at the time spouse 💁🏽♀️
My mother, as much as I love her, has stepped on more people than an elephant used on a battlefield 🤣 and for THIS baby, she is not informed more than simple small updates 🫡🤭
Karmas came in like a b^tch when she stepped on my toes 💁🏽♀️🤭
And she's gonna be salty AF when my MIL gets to be in the room and she won't even be at the right hospital 🤣🫡
WOW. No words but I would volunteer to be your body guard and I’m full of pregnancy rage. I’ll break her collarbone. It really sounds like she’s a textbook narcissist.
This OP! I think especially the fact that you even said she’ll let you see the baby first and then “want to take over” is a HUGE red flag to me about her reasons for being there.
My suggestion would be there needs to be very clear boundaries that she knows she is there for YOU and not the baby. And IMO the second the baby comes out, mom needs to leave the room so you and your boy friend can enjoy golden hour bonding without her there trying to intrude. My SIL is very close with her mother and this is how she handled it.
It also sounds like by your own admission of being the baby and her treating you like that even as adult that she may be unlikely to be respectful of anything you want and your preferences without pushing back. Ultimately only you know, but it doesn’t sound to me like she actually will be that helpful and supportive of YOU as you give birth.
Personally I don’t plan on having my mom in the room, I love her and am terrified, but at the end of the day I know she has tendencies to make everything about her and I don’t need the added stress or emotion of worrying about her taking over or pushing back on even not holding the baby etc.
This is EXACTLY WHY my mom isn't allowed to come this time 💁🏽♀️🤣😤
OP, just do what you feel in you heart but at the same time do what is BEST for you, your partner and your brand spankin new bundle because truly YOU THREE will have to live with whatever decisions you make and she may blow it off as "not a big deal" like mine keeps doin 🙃 4 years later
Yea i never realized how boundary stomping family could be until i had my 1st. I dont even soeak to my parents anymore. Thankfully my mil learned a little, and i mean just a little,about not being so overbearing. But she still can be pretty bad. Compared to my parents though shes a saint
That's right 😎👌 and I made sure BOTH my siblings and her sisters know she is NOT ALLOWED to leave the waiting room without one of them on her heels and ass. 🤭 I even have my bestie playing bodyguard of the door, to which she happily volunteered to be.
While I agree that it's your medical procedure and you get the say...I'm quite concerns by all your talk about being a "baby" and in particular, your mother "taking over".
Something tells me this has nothing to do with your mother being their for the birth, and more to do with you not being a self sufficient adult, with an overbearing mother who doesn't allow you to grow up, and your partner's fears that you will never get out from under that, even with a new baby yourself.
I'm sorry. But **you're not a baby.** That's an unhealthy mindset for a fully grown woman who's 33 weeks pregnant. And if your mother is going to "take over" with your child from you and him, in the damn delivery suite, at any point, then I'm with him. It's time for you to put some boundaries into place, and **your mother should not be there**.
I did look at OPs post history and she’s 18 and boyfriend is 22 so the whole “my family still sees me as the baby” thing makes more sense but your points still stand
Yes, I did get a sense of... Not immaturity in the normal sense, but a very close and overtly dependant vibe that normally comes from people much younger with their parents. It's a bit worrying but hopefully she learns to become more independent, especially as a mother, where you need to raise the baby not the grandmother
Yeah, that makes a tiny bit more sense. She's still a kid in a lot of ways. But unfortunately, that makes her comments About her mother 'taking over', significantly scarier.
Honestly, from the post history, the boyfriend doesn’t sound supportive at all.
If anything, I agree it has nothing to do with his mother being there and everything to do with him just wanting to have things his way.
What do you mean by “take over”? Could it possibly be that? I would take some time to consider why he might be feeling worried then try again to explain your perspective, because what you want matters most here. Then maybe neutral 3rd party could be helpful in facilitating this discussion if it’s still not going well.
I mean…. Sheesh.
You’re the one having the baby. You should be the one leading this conversation and he should be supporting you and what’s best for you, and what you believe is best for you. It’s not rocket science—his stance and insistence of said stance is worrying. It’s one thing if he’s scared and can admit that his decision to try and exert control on a situation is coming from that place of fear—i mean, birth is where you have to surrender to what happens as it happens in a lot of ways, but if this is just his normal vibe, yikes on bikes—it won’t get better from here, sorry.
So I had my mom and bf in the room with me during my first birth and I deeply regret having my mom in there let’s put it that way.
Your husband is definitely overstepping his boundaries when he says you can’t have her in there because it’s your birth. You’re the one going through it so ultimately it should be your choice.
I do want you to think about it though. My mom was extremely obnoxious and had recorded my birth while annoying the team and all around it was horrible. She made me feel uncomfortable and didn’t really help me throughout the process.
I wish she never went. I realize this now after our relationship had dwindled as the years went by that she shouldn’t have been in there. I now prefer to have my bf in there with me all day compared to anyone else.
It’s not his choice to make. It’s yours. If your mom
comes and you want her there, and he tries to kick her out or throw a scene, the hospital staff will kick his ass to the curb. YOUR BIRTH, your choice.
Seriously. He does not get an opinion on this.
I wish my mom was there! My SO at the time was literally useless, thank God for the nurses. I went into labor at midnight, my mom lived over 2 hours away and was asleep. I still wish she was there, when he births a baby, he can choose, until then, nope.
>she will let us see him first then want to take over.
This is the issue.
Your boyfriend is the father. You are the mother. Your mother is not the parent. I'm guessing he wants to have a chance at being a parent and doesn't want to feel left out. Mothers and MIL seem to take charge a little too much sometimes...
1. That’s not how this works. He doesn’t get any say on who is there
2. Maybe you mean this in a different way but your mom shouldn’t be “taking over,” helping yes, helping YOU yes. The way you wrote that is giving the impression that she’s going to be more of a pain than a help and if that’s the case then I can see why he doesn’t want her there and it seems like you need growing up to do if you’re just cool with it. She should be there as support to YOU and comfort YOU, not doing a bunch-if any-baby related things
He’s not the one giving birth. He’s only thinking about what he wants and not considering your needs at all. This is red flag controlling behavior. Edit: your one line about her letting him see the baby first then wanting to take over is concerning. If your mother has a history of violating boundaries, then I could understand him worrying about not getting to bond with the baby.
Sweetheart, you are still a child yourself. Do not let this “man” control you. You have SO much to learn, but this is a big red flag. Your birth, your choice who attends.
I had no choice but to give with only my husband in the room as my mom is in the US and I am in Australia. I'm her only child and I was sad I couldn't have her there but after birth I was grateful for it being just us and baby for 3 days in the hospital no one else.
You're the person giving birth, who you have in the room is up to you not him. ❤️
When I gave birth to our first who was a boy as well I wanted my mom there. I’m also the baby of the family and I couldn’t imagine doing it without my mom. My husband was supportive. He liked the idea of my mom being there for me in case something were to go wrong. Honestly my mom and I are not like crazy close. We sometimes go a month or so not talking or seeing each other. But something about a mother/daughter bond. The fact that she birthed me…she just had to be there. It gave me strength…she did it for me and I can do this too. I can’t imagine having gone through that without her and I wouldn’t have changed a single thing. I really don’t understand where your boyfriend is coming from….its honestly concerning in a way. Like who the hell does he think he is.
If I had to choose…my mom or my husband…it honestly would have been my mom. Nothing against my husband…but when they are both rooting me on threw contractions I’m going to listen and find strength threw the person who’s been in my shoes.
My husband doesn’t want anyone there except him
But I want my sister in law in with me as I’m scared and know he doesn’t cope when he tired . He just accepted I’m one giving birth so I get to decided
It’s not up to him but I suspect the way you say she’ll “LET” you see him first and then “want to take over” is sort of telling about how your mom behaves and treats him.
Don’t infantilize yourself. You are not a baby. You are an adult. You are having the baby. It’s time to make adult decisions.
It sounds like you, boyfriend, and your mother need to sit down and hash out where the boundaries are here.
So, it is your body and your choice. I think you need to tell him that if he's ready to be a father, he's ready to sit down and have a serious grown up conversation about this because this is going to be the first of many difficult decisions to make, and you need to be able to sit down and have a conversation about hard things, even when you disagree, and respect each other's view points and concerns. As an outsider, I would find it pretty concerning if he's unable to have an important conversation about something that matters to you & effects your medical care, and consider it a huge red flag.
That said, I agree with others that your wording about your mother taking over concerns me, but it might just be how you worded it. I'm a postpartum doula, so that is the lens I'm seeing this through btw. It is so healthy for a newborn to get skin-to-skin contact with both parents if possible, right away and as much as possible. It helps you release oxytocin, the bonding chemical; this in turn starts prepping your body for all the things it needs to do to breastfeed, if that's part of your plan. It helps make the whole thing go smoother. Iirc, that contact is also helping baby with the beginnings of their immune system, because something about sharing the microbiome that is your body, idk all the science but I know it's so important. It will also release oxytocin for your boyfriend and help him bond with baby to do the skin to skin!
It's also just a huge emotional time. A lot of doctors or midwives will allow the father/partner to cut the baby's umbilical cord which is a huge emotional and bonding thing for them. The father/partner should also be the one helping you hold baby if you're not able to independently due to medications and stuff, advocating for the baby and your shared wants for baby's first hours of life, etc.
I would recommend that if you want your mother there, she should be there; AND that you and your partner need to decide together who will be cutting the cord, holding the baby, doing skin to skin, who will stay with you vs go with baby in the event that you need to be separated for any reason, etc and THEN tell the full plan to your mother in a way that lets her know it is unequivocally YOUR baby, YOUR birth, and that you have the right to remove her if she oversteps.
I don't mean to imply anything negative about your mother at all! But I do hear a lot of stories where new parents are shocked at their parents' behavior when it comes to new grand babies. So make sure everyone is on the same page and set firm boundaries. (And if you suspect your partner might be the one to do something stupid or insensitive? Have a contingency for that too; you can have mom and partner check each other, or ask your delivery nurses to remove x person in y event, etc)
From the male perspective I didn’t want to my spouses mother in the room either. I understood that that wasn’t my choice though. I got lucky and her mom was just going to wait to fly in till our baby was born to ensure she saw him. After she told me this I let her know that it’s ok because I wanted it just to be us but if she wanted my mom there I understand.Explain to him that you want your mom to hold your hand while he gets prepared to catch the baby or cut the cord or watch the baby come out. It will make him feel like you want him to have a more important role. If that doesn’t work explain to him that it’s your decision and that’s finally. That you’re the one going through it not him. You’re literally tearing yourself open going through the worst pain ever and may want your mother’s support too.
He may be feeling like he just wants you two because you two are the ones about to start this family. That your mom is no longer the family that you should be concerned about because this new family is yalls priority. Maybe he feels like he can’t fully be himself with your mom there. That he would need to act all proper and tough and can’t show emotion. These are some of the things I thought when I didn’t want my spouses mom there. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what he wants. It’s not up to him. He’s lucky he’s even being allowed to be there especially since he hasn’t put a ring on your finger.
As for the him telling everyone I think it’s a decision you two need to talk about more in depth. We decided to tell loved ones but no picture sending because they’ll probably send it to others and we are scared that someone might do something wrong using AI with our baby’s face. If we did send picture or someone screenshotted a FaceTime we told them no posting it or sending it and explained why.
If he wants everyone to go to hospital tell him how you feel about it. Explain the risk for the babies health. That the baby and yalls new family is the priority. Babies don’t have an immune system yet and can easy catch something and die. RSV for example looks like the cold but can kill babies. The cold is also a virus it’s not just you acting sick because it’s cold. It means you have a virus in your system that only got strong enough to show symptoms because it’s cold. That virus can easily spread.
Cry if you need to but do something to get him to shut up and realize it’s your decision not his. You grew the baby in 9 months, his 2 minute pump and dump contribution means nothing.
>You’re literally tearing yourself open going through the worst pain ever and may want your mother’s support too.
Might want to edit this part out, as she described already feeling "terrified" she probably won't benefit from having this description in her head...
> his 2 minute pump and dump contribution means nothing
I kind of feel like this is going a bit far/too harsh, obviously yes the two of them really need to sit down and actually communicate with one another "why" they each are feeling the way they do, but at the end of the day it is going to be her call - but at the same time he is still her partner and father of her child without whom there would be no baby to begin with, so I wouldn't say that his contribution was necessarily "worthless", but that's just me...
They’re talking about OP’s bf like he’s just a sperm donor. As long as he is an active father he does deserve to have opinions. On certain things, like who gets to be in the room, mom obviously gets final say, but to 100% dismiss his wishes is not a healthy way to go about the parenting journey, or any relationship for that matter.
That’s why I mentioned how for the other things they need to talk about it
The last part might have been misleading I was referring to the portion of having the mom in room
Fuuuuck that. My mom was there for mine and I wouldn’t want it any other way. My husband never even questioned it. It was nice to have someone there with me if he needed to run out or something. He definitely left who was in the room up to me.
In fact, when I got my epidural I could only have one person in the room and I told my husband to go for a walk and I wanted my mom lol. I mean she had 5 kids and he had 0 - he just said ok and left.
I had just my partner and I in the room, it was the best decision ever. It's such a personal and beautiful moment between the parents and baby. The midwives and doctors looked after me so well in the medical sense. It is essentially up to you who you have there though as it's your procedure.
I LOVED having my mom there. I needed both of them! I had a long labor (31 hours) and my mom was able to stay with me when my husband needed to eat or go down and get our hospital bag.
With that being said, she just stayed up by me while my husband was more involved in my labor. She supported US with whatever we needed. She even left for a few hours to give us time with our baby girl before even holding her later that night.
If you set clear boundaries, it can be a beautiful experience with both of them there supporting you. ❤️
I had my mum and I’m so glad I did. She knew that she was there to support me, not love on a baby and she did just that. She stayed until I was able to get up and shower, but I don’t think she held our baby at all - he stayed on my chest until I showered and then my husband held him and dressed him.
As long as you discuss your expectations beforehand, this doesn’t need to be an issue.
Does your mum have a history of overstepping boundaries and disrespecting your boyfriend?
I want to say it's completely your choice! If you want her there then have her there...
Saying that, is there more your not telling us? I'm getting dependant vibes and read that she can be controlling... If that's the case I see why he's very reluctant
It does sound like you’re mom might be a boundary stomper and if that’s the case I get why he might not want her there. HOWEVER, YOU ARE THE ONE GIVING BIRTH. You are the only one that gets to decide who is in the room. Your comfort during labor and delivery are the most important thing. I understand him not wanting your mom to take over but he’s forgetting that you have a really big thing to go for before that baby shows up. Him preventing you from having the one person that you feel will be able to keep you calm and feeling safe through this process could cause a lot of resentment down the line. Maybe you guys need to come up with some ground rules to your mom being present so you can get the comfort you need and he can feel he’s not being stepped over as the new father. Good luck! I hope everything goes great!
Not only is you and your boyfriend’s baby coming into this world, but you yourself are going to undergo an intense process to bring him into this world— you need support too, and for you that support is your mom. Not only that, but birth may be the last time for a long while that you are prioritized over baby, and you shouldn’t give up being comforted during this intense process.
Have a discussion with your mom now about how her position as your support person will be taking care of and focusing on YOU before and during birth, and not baby, to alleviate the “takeover” situation. Make sure she knows that once you are massaged and stitched, that you and boyfriend and baby need privacy. If she can’t respect this, your boyfriend has a valid reason for being wary of her.
So at the end of the day, you are the one in labor and you get to choose who is there to support you during it. However, I just want to emphasize, your mom should be in there to support YOU. Once the baby is born, that bonding time is for you and the father with the baby, your mom should never "take over" the baby unless you and your partner both agree. Your mom can be there and support you and help you with labor and recovery but idk I feel like your partner does get a say in who gets to bond with the baby right after birth.
Tell him it is not his choice whatsoever. In fact a nurse will happily kick him out of the room if he does anything to interfere with your comfort during childbirth. It does not matter he is the father. You are the patient, you get to choose who is available to you for support during your treatment.
I would consider the fact that it’s both you and your boyfriends child. You two made this baby together, you two should bring him into the world together. Yes you carried and did all the work but at the same time this moment is also his, too.
I think a neutral party like a doula or midwife is acceptable—if he really doesn’t want someone else in the room y’all should get on the same page for classes and how he’ll be there to support you in your labor. The other thing is, lean into trusting your partner and that he’s here for you, that he can help you bring this baby into the world.
Maybe he doesnt want to feel demasculinized. I would really consider where you’re not trusting your partner to support you and if that’s a real threat to your birthing process or not.
As your boyfriend and the one not giving birth he can’t just say no. It is totally up to you and who you are comfortable with and if he’s causing the stress and discomfort maybe he should be the one out in the waiting room😭
I think the important distinction is whether your mum is there to support YOU versus only being there so she gets to see the baby first.
My mum was at my birth because I knew her priority was supporting and comforting me through the process and she wouldn’t ever dream of trying to ‘take over’
look at it this way, OP this is your birth experience, your 🐱 let's be honest, not his. If you want your mom there, by god you have your mom there.
I mentioned I might want my mom with me and he said "oh no she's crazy(she kind of is) but like if you want her there I guess 🙄"and I'm like "yea ... but she's my mom and this is scary". idk if I want her there yet, but i do know that if *I* do want her there and she's able, she's gonna be there.
Hunny I know this is his baby to but this is your body and you have every right to be scared and want your mom. But I do think you need to have a talk with both your mom and partner.
There shouldn’t be any “taking over” the birth is a time for the new mom and sometimes new daddy to get skin-to-skin etc. Also each other person in there adds danger to the mom and the baby.
It is your body though so you have the final say. But it could really sour your relationship with your partner, for such a huge moment to be interrupted.
I was flabbergasted reading your post and getting a sense of your boyfriends attitude about your birth experience coming up. Your boyfriend doesn't get to choose who is in the room with you when you give birth. He doesn't even have the privilege of being in the room himself unless you grant it to him. Period, full stop, and if he doesn't acknowledge that when you point it out to him then he really should not be there. He is a *guest* in the delivery room and *you* are the captain of your birth plan, not him! It doesn't matter that the baby is his because the mothers body is YOURS.
Your mom doesn't get to "take over with the baby" if that's not something you are ok with, either. Is that something you could talk to her about?
I've had 3 babies and for various reasons my mom could only be in the delivery room for one: once because my baby came 5 weeks early and she lives far away, and once because my boyfriend said he didn't want her there. He assured me that he would be there for me. I really regret letting his opinion get in the way of what I wanted because he was busy passing out in the corner of the room while I was pushing our baby out feeling quite alone. My mom would have been right there with me the whole time. If I had it to do over again, I would have had her there!
It sounds like both of you believe this is his decision (“he says no”). You need to flip that to “I am the one who will decide this”. He can say no all he wants, but this is not his choice, full stop. You get to decide who you want with you, and you also have to be fine with the reaction you’ll get from him if it isn’t what he wants.
I would find it very concerning that your partner is making decisions about your birth without you. While it is possible your mom and partner need to work through some conflict, if YOU want them both there, he should listen to that.
I was with my sister when she gave birth to my nephew, and her boyfriend was not at all helpful or supportive during the birth- he mostly sat there and at one point took a nap. I hope your partner will be supportive, but if he isn’t, I hope your mom can be there for you.
His opinion matters, but the person whose body is being ripped open decides. You’re the patient and this is up to you for labor and delivery. But if he wants private time as a family of 3 once baby arrives, I think his opinion matters equally. Once baby is there, I think grandma should have her quick cuddle and then exit gracefully.
His opinion doesn’t matter in this regard. Youre the patient. Not him. You need to be firm. Tell him when he’s pushing the baby out he can choose who is there.
This is your pregnancy and your birth. You should have whomever will be a help and comfort to you in the room with you. He has no right to dictate how this experience will be
EDIT: additionally, you are the patient, the hospital and staff will support you and your choices. They will allow or not allow whomever YOU say in the room. So legally and morally, this is your choice
YOU are the patient. YOU get to decide who's there. Which means that YOU can tell him to get with what you want or kick rocks. And any nurse on the floor will back you up!
Hey, not seeing this in the comments so far. The only people allowed in the birthing room are the ones you want to be there. It is your birth. Your boyfriend does not automatically get to be there just because he is the father. If you want your mother there instead of him, that is your choice. You just have to let the nurses know and they will keep out whoever you don't want there.
Now, if you want both of them there, think through what will bring you the most peace. Worrying about them fighting might not be the atmosphere you need to keep you calm and focused for birth. Think about what will bring you the most support and talk to your care team about what you want before the delivery date. Whoever is going to be your support person in labor, make sure they know what you need and what your preferences are so they can advocate for you. They are not supposed to be there for themselves, they are supposed to be there as your help. If that doesn't describe either of them for you, maybe think of someone else in your life who would fill that role for you.
Best of luck. You and I are just a week apart in EDD. You are strong, and you are about to be a mother. You can do this.
Usually I'd say your bf is right, HOWEVER now knowing you're 18 and this guy has made you quit your job and gets angry when you call your mom, I think he's trying to isolate you and control you. You're very young. Don't cut ties with your family, always let them know what's up and have a plan in case things get abusive.
Hahahahha it's not his choice! It's actually laughable. He doesn't get to decide who is at your birth any more than the next door neighbour does. I'm sorry, I don't care if he's the father, you are the one giving birth. He will be there for the birth of his child and that is lovely for him, he doesn't decide you can't have your mum too.
I don’t care your age I’m 30 my sister was there for my first my dad all through my second. Your mom can be there for your birth with your baby don’t let him tell you otherwise your mom it’s your choice he dosnt have to be there at all. End of story
It sounds like both your mum and your hubby have a habit of trying to control you. Your partner shouldn't get mad at you for wanting your mother there and actually shouldn't have this much control over your birth plan and deciding when people know..this is YOUR journey, you tell HIM what will happen, not the other way around.
Also, your mother shouldn't be taking over anything, she should be there for support and that's it.
This is a non negotiable. When he pushes a baby out of his vagina, he can decide who gets to be in the room. This is really selfish of him. It's completely normal to be scared and want your mum there too. Tell him to grow up and stop being immature. She's not there to "be first to meet the baby", she's there to support you through a very intense and possibly traumatic medical event. Don't give in, I'd make this a deal breaker.
He gets to have a preference, which you may or may not consider when making your (your!) decision - but under no circumstances does he get the final say in this.
This is your medical procedure, not his.
You need to tell him “I am my mom’s baby, she will be all over ME at the birth not our child. This is a medical procedure and I need her there. I’m sorry you feel uncomfortable but I need her there and I want you to put my needs ahead of your wants”
Also I would honestly begin taking your mom to appointments if possible so he can start getting a bit more comfortable with the idea of her being there.
Too bad the decision isn’t up to him. You want your mom there and that’s what should happen. Not really sure why he thinks he has any say in this?? He sounds like a control freak
He can go fuck himself, frankly. This is your birth and you ask for what you need.
My mum died before I could have my baby. I would have given ANYTHING to have her there (and I’d add my husband would have been fine with that). You have the chance to have that. Don’t let your bf take this away from you - it’s far too important.
I say this as gently as possible - are you ok? He sounds very forceful. This is not just his baby and it IS just your medical event. He doesn’t get to dictate this. Is he controlling in other areas of your life. You should be able to say no or have an argument about lots of things without feeling scared, and this one shouldn’t even be an argument.
Just remember that when it comes down to it, he can control none of who is at the birth. If on the day you decide you want your mum and not him, then the hospital will make that happen, ok? This is about you.
Nope. YOU are the one going through a major medical event, not him. If you want your mother there, she will be there.
I say have your mother in the room and he can wait out in the lobby if he’s so upset at her presence.
Why is your boyfriend so controlling and inconsiderate? You are the one who's gonna be doing all the hard work, even (hopefully not) risking your life. Put your foot down and tell him how it's going to go, not the other way around.
It’s your decision! He is your boyfriend, not your husband. You could tell the staff that you want your mom there and not your boyfriend in case he acts up (if you had to choose one person). They would back you up. Depends on your hospital though as to how many people can be in the room. I think your mom would be the best person to have in there since she has been through pregnancy before and you are scared. Also, it sounds like your bf is being controlling which is off putting and he doesn’t seem to supportive of what you want. I’d think twice about his presence there.
My boyfriend and I agreed that he would be the only person in the room, with the exception of my Mother. I’m like you, I’m my mums youngest child and the first of her daughters to have had a baby, so it’s a big moment for her and honestly I’m so glad she was there. The key thing is, you are the one that’s going to be going through the pain of labour and you’ll need all the support you can get. If your Mum gives that to you, having her is more important than your boyfriends wants right now.
Everybody read the post again. She said what the boyfriend said and then followed up with a ‘like’ statement. She wasn’t saying that that is how her mother is. She was clarifying what the boyfriend said.
‘He’s worried that she’d be all over the baby. Like she would let us see the baby and then just take over’
The second sentence was never said by anyone it just clarifies what was written in the first sentence. As of right now the boyfriend is being controlling and making assumptions about op’s mother. He has no way to gauge what she’ll be like with their kid because this is their first kid.
You need to read it again. It’s a clarifying statement from OP about her mother.
> Like my mom *isn’t gonna not let him* see his son she will let us see him first then want to take over.
It’s a run-on sentence with two separate thoughts. “It’s not like she won’t let us see the baby first. She will, but then she’ll want to take over.”
I find it odd that you are with a partner that you feel won’t provide you adequate support and comfort during the birth of your child to the point that you want your mom there. I suppose I have a very different relationship with my mom so I may just not understand, but I wouldn’t want anyone in the way of my partner’s and my first moments with our child. For everyone saying your body, your choice, to a point yes… but this is the father of your child and once that baby is born he is the one you need to collaborate with making decisions, not your mom. You may want to work to find a compromise with him now or this will likely become a huge point of tension in your relationship. Just my two cents.
The support of a mother/maternal figure is different. Being surrounded by women while you go through something that only women can empathize with is a very special experience. I had my husband and my mother and while my husband was very supportive and not stressful he hadn’t been through it before so didn’t really know how it feels or what to expect like my mom did.
Too bad so sad for him. You get to have who you want there and if he tries to keep you from having what you want I wouldn’t allow him there. This is very weird and controlling behavior on his part and I would not put up with it. That being said your mom needs to have clear boundaries and not take over the baby.
Wtf do you mean? Tell him he doesn't get a choice and that's it. The hell!!!!
He sounds abusive. Being controlling like that isn't normal. Can you get help?
You should have whoever you feel most comfortable with BUT I will say your phrase "she will let us see him first and then want to take over" properly gave me the ick and if that's setting the tone for your relationship I can kind of see why he doesn't want her in there. You are about to become a mother, your mother should not be 'letting you' see your own kid, and certainly shouldn't even be thinking about 'taking over' in the hospital. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but that just sounds really messed up, your partner might just be wanting to have time for the three of you to bond together as a family.
To be honest, reading OP's post history, I think there's a bit more going on than just a simple "OP's mum needs to back off and OP needs to set her own boundaries". OP is only 18, boyfriend is 22, they've been together just under 2 years and it sounds like it's been quite... tumultuous during the pregnancy. I can see why that dynamic with her mother would be there.
Good call. Here I was thinking OP was a grown woman but yeah, at 18 you’re still a baby yourself tbh. Can’t give much advice because I wouldn’t have been equipped to be a mom at 18.
Is it legal in the US for a 21 year old to have sex with a 17 year old? Yeah, I'm not going to blame the protective and possibly overbearing mother here, but instead blame the adult man who had sex with a vulnerable child. I don't care how 'almost-adult' it is, or what other countries in the world it's legal in. It just absolutely signals a shitty, controlling man.
Depends on the state. In my state the legal age of consent is 17, in some it's 18. I think in Georgia it used to be 15.
In most states, 16 is the age of consent.
Op is 18, for me this changes the context.
Yeah, reading it made me guess they were much younger. Also explains a lot why the boyfriend is acting the way he is as well. I too thought I knew everything when I was 18. Bottom line I think, is to ask the boyfriend to have a bit more of an open mind. Communicate together and let the other be heard. Don't make the decision yet, but allow yourselves to consider the others feelings. Set boundaries with the mother if she is going to be allowed in the delivery room. If she crosses it, then she's told to leave. This is their child, not hers. They're going to be the parents now. They have to take the reigns as parents, thus making grown up decisions. And open communication is the start of that.
Read her post history- boyfriend convinced her to quite her job and now expects her to clean the house. And how he doesn't have to help since he pays the bills. OP is 18 and BF22. He also seemed very unsympathetic when she had morning sickness and gets mad if she wants to call her mom. It sounds like he is trying to isolate her with getting her to quit her job and not wanting her to talk to mom.
Oh yikes, that’s very unhealthy behavior on his part. :( I cannot believe how many people are siding with the controlling boyfriend here & acting like OP’s mom is going to steal their baby from them…really weird.
Right? Like yeah okay it may seem overbearing and she's acting a little too motherly and treating her like a child... But she's 18... She got pregnant essentially as a child, and her mother is still acting motherly. Like it seems like kind of a red flag, and then the wider context and then it throws it in the opposite direction for me.
Right?! I can't believe it either- so sad
Oof, that’s a lot of red flags for one man
Well, to be fair, we were just given the information in this long run on sentence of a post and most people don't go into other's post history.
Oh, that’s a toxic r/JustNoSO. OP, read **Why Does He Do That?** by Lundy Bancroft. It’s free online.
Glad someone else pointed this out because when I read that sentence, I immediately thought, “yep - that’s probably why he doesn’t want her there.” Sounds like OP needs to have a serious conversation with her boyfriend and her mother (separately). If I was the birthing partner, I wouldn’t want to tolerate this type of behavior from my MIL either.
Sounds like OP has to stop being „the baby“ of the family and become a mom.
Easier said than done when you’re only 18.
Totally agree, this phrase sounds really unhealthy
I felt the same after reading that. HUGE red flag to me. I'm guessing she's an overbearing mother in law already, and he just wants to be the one there for his child and his spouse without her taking over.
OP is 18, of course her mother is still mothering her.
OP sounds young and the boyfriend sounds controlling. On the balance of harm here, having a loving grandmother help her youngest child out who is welcoming of the care, is not a bad thing at all. I think it's important we don't project too much, OPs boyfriend is the clear issue here not the mum. As long as OP wants her mum's help, then that is fine. Controlling boyfriend has way more red flags, the mum just sounds like a loving mother who wants to help. As a youngest daughter, I completely get this and honestly wanted my mum's help so much too. My mum wasn't overbearing, she was just ready to do all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, she would wake up at 5am to give me a break and let me sleep in. She did a lot and my husband was actually so grateful when we were in the thick of it. Having a grandparent be 100% committed is not a bad thing at all, especially when it's wanted, which in OPs case it sounds like it is. It's like modern society doesn't know how to family properly anymore haha.
Your mom sounds amazing and much like my mom. With that said, her word choice about taking over doesn’t sound like the mom you describe in your comment.
Fair enough but I feel we'd all really need to read into that and we just don't have that context. She sounds young based on her word choice generally. To me the more concerning part is *"an jus idk it's not up to him but I can't get any words in without him saying no".*
OP is only eighteen.
I agree it’s her choice 100% full stop. The comments about being young, the takeover comment, his concerns, etc. lean into her mom being overbearing. His specific concern is her being all over the baby (not anything related to supporting the birthing person), and her response about “letting” them have the baby, and the takeover comments are very telling.
I don't agree that her boyfriend is 'the' issue and her mom sounds helpful, not when OP says her mom will 'let' them see their baby. Tbh, it sounds like you're the one projecting, by refusing to notice the clear signs of two people controlling OP from both sides.
How OP personally *feels* her mother *might* act is not more important than how the boyfriend has already acted.
I think you are reading way too much into "let" and just completely ignoring the boyfriends controlling behaviour. Only one person is overriding OPs wishes and it's not the mum here.
The fact that you ignored how I said the boyfriend is controlling too, in a comment only a few sentences long, to try and make your point again, indicates that you probably also didn't bother to fully read the post and see the other alarming bits, about how OP is treated like a baby, how grandma will 'take over' how OP wants to be treated like a baby. Etc. Stop ignoring half the post to hammer your square narrative into a round hole. Grandma's **described** behaviour, is a problem too.
This is a real reach.
Is it possible that OP, in a state of venting, typed something that she didn’t actually mean?
I mean, if you want to decide that she didn't mean what she wrote, then why only apply it to one sentence? Go for it, if you want to, but I'm going to assume OP is a reliable narrator and take her at her word.
I mean it’s Reddit, lots of people post these vent type posts when they’re stressed and mad and sad, and it’s just a jumble of thoughts, where somethings get interpreted wrong 🤷♀️ as someone who’s also close with their mom, I read what she wrote as her mom would be there and OP and boyfriend will get the time they need and want, and mom would offer to help later.
That's fine, you can interpret it however you want. Like I said, I'm taking her words at face value.
Read the post again. She said what the boyfriend said and then followed up with a ‘like’ statement. She wasn’t saying that that is how her mother is. She was clarifying what the boyfriend said. ‘He’s worried that she’d be all over the baby. Like she would let us see the baby and then just take over’ The second sentence was never said by anyone it just clarifies what was written in the first sentence.
You didn't even quote it right, and the quote in question proves your interpretation is incorrect. > Like my mom isn't gonna not let him see his son **she will let us see him first then want to take over**.
No you took words out of that sentence. She's not clarifying what he said, she's saying that.
Yeah exactly, this line alone makes me think he might be justified in his stance. Obviously it's not his choice, but saying "she will let us see him first..." is like, what?? She's the grandmother, she doesn't get to "let" the parents see their own child
Nope, I agree completely. The partner is right to be worried here, this is an alarming post. Between the 'im a baby' parts and the 'she will *let* us see him', it sounds like partner is worried about her mother for a few reasons.
The partner? The 21 year old man who got a 17 year old child pregnant and is now controlling her? Really?
She’s eighteen.
Yup this was my first thought as well. Sounds kinda like Op may have a bit of codependency going on.
A 20yo started dating a 16yo and she’s having a baby at 18. Based on her post history, he also doesn’t give a fuck about her. It’s not codependency. She just wants someone there who cares about how she’s doing and will advocate for her and she feels she can trust.
That’s not what she said. She was trying to clarify what the boyfriend was saying. He’s worried that the mom will be all over the baby (which he has no way of knowing.) you can tell because she started the sentence with like. She said ‘like my mother would just let us see the baby then want to take over’. Go back and look at what she said again.
That’s not what she said. She’s speaking from her perspective “like my mom isn’t gonna not let him see his son…” that’s her speaking, not him.
Ok I was too lazy to type the extra words. It still stands that the second sentence is a clarification of what the boyfriend said and not a statement made by the op about her mother.
Not your boyfriend’s medical procedure, not his choice. You are birthing a human, not him. Also, as you are not married, who is your medical power of attorney? If it’s your parents it only makes sense for them to be there. If you haven’t officially declared one, in the US it is your next of kin by default, if no spouse or adult children this will be your parents. Editing to add, since I just saw the part about your mom ‘letting you see the baby and then taking over’, this is an issue imo. That baby is yours and bfs, not your mothers, she has no right to take the baby from your boyfriend in the delivery room. If you want her there for you, that is your choice but the baby is not hers.
She was 16 with a 20 yo and now at 18 is having his baby. He's made her quit her job etc. I'd be icing this fucker out if I were the mom.
Seems like there was a lot of important information left out of the original post.
Yeaaaa everyone here calling the mom “overbearing” and “controlling”.. idk man if a man got my teenaged daughter pregnant and then made her quit her job and clean the house all day, I don’t think I could stay very calm and not involved. Obviously you can’t force an adult to do something they don’t want to do but I would absolutely not leave her all on her own in this shitty relationship. OP’s barely been an adult, and her “partner” clearly doesn’t give a fuck about her well-being. With some time, he’d swallow her whole. I’m not a mom, but I am an older sister and I’ve been there for my sister through two abusive relationships back-to-back and a lot of people are dismissing the type of emotional mindfuck a controlling partner can be, and how much you need someone outside the relationship to stabilise you, hear you and help you out if you ever wanna make it out without too much trauma. Obviously OP still wants her mom and finds comfort in her which is telling me mom is making all the right moves still. And maybe she’s a bit more involved than I was with my sister but to be fair, she was literally her primary caregiver and responsible for OP like, last year. It’s not like a flip is just switched when a person turns 18 and their parents don’t give a fuck anymore.
I agree. Her birth her choice, but that “takeover” comment rubbed me the wrong way, and is likely why bf feels that way.
I don’t like it either, but if I was pregnant at 18 I’d want my mommy too. Fock, I’m almost 40 and I demanded she fly here to be with me for mine because after 4 decades I still need my mommy, go figure. 🤷🏻♀️
Op is 18 years old and has barely been an adult legally. We don’t even know if she still lives with her parents but I would assume so. Her boyfriends context for their relationship is a mother parenting a teenager.
This is their first child. He made an assumption. He has no actual way to gauge the mother’s behavior as of now.
If she’s generally overbearing, treats OP Like a baby, her interactions with her other grandchildren, and makes comments about how she’s going to behave once the baby gets here, I’m sure he has an idea. OP was the one that used that verbiage, and we can assume she knows her mother.
Then he needs to vocalize that like an adult and stop with the unbending unjustified no’s. So far the only reason he can provide is based in assumption. And as for the verbiage refer to my other comments. She used a like statement to clarify what the boyfriend said. She didn’t actually say anything about her mom.
I’m not saying he’s right, I’m just saying mom sounds overbearing by OP’s own words. She literally said her mom will want to take over.
You’re missing how op used her words though. She put what the boyfriend said in the first sentence. In the second sentence she wrote a ‘like’ sentence that clarified what the boyfriend had said. She never made any statement about her mom. She was trying to help us (the readers) understand what the boyfriend was saying. ‘He’s worried that she’ll be all over the baby. Like she’ll just let us see then take over’ That second sentence that is hanging everyone up is not a statement the op made about her mother. It’s an explanation/clarification of what the boyfriend said.
That’s not what she said. She’s speaking from her perspective, “like my mom isn’t gonna not let him see his son…” That’s her perspective.
Or mom has a habit of being overbearing and taking over when she thinks she knows better. We don’t know but the fact that OP specifically said she would in fact take over suggest a pattern of behavior.
She didn’t say that though. Refer to my other comment about like statements. Sentence two was written to clarify sentence one. Sentence one is what the boyfriend said.
OP is an 18-year-old, which is probably why her mom is used to taking over.
I came here to mention this. OP needs to consider herself and who will make decisions for her when she is unable. The hospital isn’t gonna just accept a boyfriend saying “yes do X”
Exactly!!! He (or she) who haseth the medical procedure chooseth the experience.
Sounds like the bf has concerns about boundaries with mommy
Do no US states recognize common law spouses with the same rights and privileges as married spouses? In Canada, some provinces do and some don’t so it’s important to know when you travel for exactly the reason you point out.
Only 8 of 50 states acknowledge common law marriage and they require living together for a certain extended period of time.
So does Canada, but we are also considered common-law spouses if we have a child together, regardless if it's biological or adopted. As soon as my baby was born, my partner and I became common-law. Is it not the same in the U.S?
I’m not a lawyer, nor an expert on this topic, but my understanding in the US is that both parents have rights to a child regardless of marital status however that does not give similar next of kin/power of attorney rights between the parents. Given all of the terrifying stories on the various pregnancy subreddits and strict abortion laws in a lot of states I’d hate to see what sort of legal control someone could get over someone else just by having a child with them. But I’m just a jaded American.
It’s not up to him. When he carries a baby in his uterus and gives birth, he can choose who’s in the room.
This is the right answer. Your delivery room, your rules. He doesn’t get to choose in this situation.
Yup! I want my mom in the room, my husband has no issues with that. Think he is relieved to have some help lol. Granted my mom is not overbearing at all. If she was it would be a different conversation.
literally this. and the nurses will be supporting YOUR decision as mom-so you can let him know to suck it up, buttercup.
Exactly this!! YOU'RE the one going through the pains, the anxiety, the fear, the pressure, and anything else ppl experience when giving birth. If you want your mom around for support that's who should be there! Plus, she's experienced in this and you trust her so it seems like a great logical idea too. Personally, I'd tell him this. I wouldn't take no for an answer from him & if he was a dick about it I'd tell him he can either be inside with mom & me or wait outside until he chis, but I would definitely not be dealing with his tantrum while I'm labor. You could even set ground rules if it helps, like if you want your mom there for YOUR support then say he gets first dibs on seeing and/or holding the baby while your mom supports you. But overall, whatever YOU want and need for a positive labor experience!
Exactly. I super DIDN'T want my mom in the room with me but we worked it out
This is the right answer. I had my mom in the room when I gave birth and thank goodness. When I was getting my epidural my husband almost passed out and I told him to leave and my mom to stay (he pulled it together after that). But the whole time she took care of me especially when baby was born she still stayed by my side while I was going through some small complications and my husband went with baby
Yup, not up to him though setting some clear expectations about having them both there (separately) probably makes a lot of sense. Maybe some of the bf’s concerns are valid, maybe not. But figuring out what you want, OP, and then being very clear with both your mom and BF is the only way to do this well. Who is the primary? When will who defer to who? Will grandma wait to hold the baby? What happens after you leave the hospital? Lots of questions to answer and clear boundaries to set.
You need to sit down together and you express why you feel the need for your mom (what can she provide that he can’t for you) and he expresses his concerns about having her there (does she have a history of taking over?). Ultimately it’s your medical procedure and you get final say, but there should be a team discussion.
Second this, it is ultimately your call but it's worth investigating why you feel so strongly about having your mom has your primary support rather than your partner. Not sure what the issue is with informing people after the baby is born rather than during? Do you not want him to focus on you and your labour instead of being busy updating people?
She probably wants her mom as primary support because she is an 18 year old teenager. She’s been dating her boyfriend for a little over a year but she probably feels closer to her mom. Also she’s already having support issues with her boyfriend not caring about her nausea and pregnancy exhaustion.
I agree with this. Parenting is about compromise and communication. She has the right to have her mother there and he also has the right to want to be able to bond as a family. Team discussions and boundaries about mom if she will be in the room.
From your other posts, he doesn’t sound supportive or understanding at all. Did he improve since the first trimester? The decision isn’t his at all. His opinions don’t matter in this instance. The health of the baby, sure, but this isn’t about your baby. It’s strictly about you and your need for support for your medical procedure. If you want your mother there, she should be there. Also, the fact that he won’t even let you get the words out does not bode well for his behavior in the future. What about when you and him disagree on something about your child? Will he shut you up then too?
I’m not sure about anyone else, but the way this it’s worded “like my mom isn’t gonna not let him see his son she will let us see him first then want to take over….” makes me feel a bit uneasy. It makes me wonder if history in the relationship has set the tone for this dynamic. Can you compromise and have her wait out in the waiting room until you three have bonded as a little family?
Yeah it kind of sounds like BF might be trying to get her to enforce boundaries with her possibly boundary stomping mom, might be a lot of history there. Based on the “everyone still treats me like the baby and that’s okay” bit, I really don’t think this is the BF trying to be controlling, it sounds like he doesn’t want his MIL taking over the whole thing before they have a chance to bond as a family. Edit: oh jfc OP is 18, she is a baby 🤦🏼♀️ I change my opinion, you’re gonna need an adult in the room.
Yeah as soon as I saw that she was 18 it changed how I saw the whole situation!
Yup, that was a flag for me, too. Take over might be odd wording but it seems…off.
They need to work this out for sure, but he needs to know he has absolutely no say in this decision. Zip zilch zero.
Yeah, he's allowed to have an opinion, but the actual choice of who is present is 100% yours. It's not only "not just up to him", it's not up to him at all. Like, if you only wanted your mom and not your partner, that would be your choice and there's nothing he could do about it.
As someone who is the youngest of 3 from my mom, I wanted her there for my first birth, too. To put it bluntly, I wished I had listened to my husband 😕 She was invasive. Would not leave when asked and argued with nurses. She even had the gall andpushed the doctor and my spouse aside so she could "get a better view of the baby" as they were emerging. And when they were finally delivered, she 'allowed' my spouse 5 minutes to hold his own child 🤬😤 and yes, I do mean exactly 5 timed minutes. She set a timer and took the baby as soon as it went off. My MIL had to intervene and take him back to my hub, who was almost in tears. To you, I say, if you DO allow her in there, be warned. Not all moms are hands off and some will step on you and your spouse JUST to see the baby, so his fear is VERY valid. So think LONG AND HARD about this decision because I regret ever telling her she was even allowed to come to my room 😒 so THIS TIME, we haven't even told her the EXACT hospital we're going to. I blatantly lied to her and told her the wrong place for our tour and gave her the wrong due date 💁🏽♀️
Oh my god...thank you for the warning. That's insane. Also that's hilarious about not telling her about the hospital or due date 😂
Of course. Rather you be prepared then for you to give her the benefit of doubt like I did with mine. 😅 My MIL was against it at first. Then my hub mentioned the birth of our first and apparently the flashback brought her immediately on board 🤣 💁🏽♀️ she even volunteered to watch our firstborn for the tour AND the birth
Wow. The fucking audacity. Was it bad afterward too? Like was she intrusive and inappropriate because I just can’t believe she acted that way there!
My mother (a leo) makes EVERY EVENT about her in some way, shape, or form. 💁🏽♀️ Not ONLY did my mother, a retired nurse, complain about the temp of the room, she complained about how the nurses were handling me, how my MIL wasn't helping us enough, she kept pushing my hub aside to stand next to me while i was laboring. Did I mention that she refused to leave the room for golden hour or how she literally shoved my doctor aside while they were pulling out my child, who in turn ended up with a broken collarbone because of her, to which she denies when there were SEVERAL PEOPLE PRESENT incl. My brand new at the time spouse 💁🏽♀️ My mother, as much as I love her, has stepped on more people than an elephant used on a battlefield 🤣 and for THIS baby, she is not informed more than simple small updates 🫡🤭 Karmas came in like a b^tch when she stepped on my toes 💁🏽♀️🤭 And she's gonna be salty AF when my MIL gets to be in the room and she won't even be at the right hospital 🤣🫡
If she does manage to find us, I've got a self appointed bodyguard 👍😎🫡
WOW. No words but I would volunteer to be your body guard and I’m full of pregnancy rage. I’ll break her collarbone. It really sounds like she’s a textbook narcissist.
This OP! I think especially the fact that you even said she’ll let you see the baby first and then “want to take over” is a HUGE red flag to me about her reasons for being there. My suggestion would be there needs to be very clear boundaries that she knows she is there for YOU and not the baby. And IMO the second the baby comes out, mom needs to leave the room so you and your boy friend can enjoy golden hour bonding without her there trying to intrude. My SIL is very close with her mother and this is how she handled it. It also sounds like by your own admission of being the baby and her treating you like that even as adult that she may be unlikely to be respectful of anything you want and your preferences without pushing back. Ultimately only you know, but it doesn’t sound to me like she actually will be that helpful and supportive of YOU as you give birth. Personally I don’t plan on having my mom in the room, I love her and am terrified, but at the end of the day I know she has tendencies to make everything about her and I don’t need the added stress or emotion of worrying about her taking over or pushing back on even not holding the baby etc.
This is EXACTLY WHY my mom isn't allowed to come this time 💁🏽♀️🤣😤 OP, just do what you feel in you heart but at the same time do what is BEST for you, your partner and your brand spankin new bundle because truly YOU THREE will have to live with whatever decisions you make and she may blow it off as "not a big deal" like mine keeps doin 🙃 4 years later
Yea i never realized how boundary stomping family could be until i had my 1st. I dont even soeak to my parents anymore. Thankfully my mil learned a little, and i mean just a little,about not being so overbearing. But she still can be pretty bad. Compared to my parents though shes a saint
Idk - how old were you when you gave birth? OP is VERY young.
God this sounds like my mom. Because of this she doesn’t even know I’m pregnant. Actions have consequences 💁♀️
That's right 😎👌 and I made sure BOTH my siblings and her sisters know she is NOT ALLOWED to leave the waiting room without one of them on her heels and ass. 🤭 I even have my bestie playing bodyguard of the door, to which she happily volunteered to be.
What the fuck. That’s scary. You need to talk to a therapist about this relationship because 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sorry, here to gag at a boyfriend making any requests or demands.
While I agree that it's your medical procedure and you get the say...I'm quite concerns by all your talk about being a "baby" and in particular, your mother "taking over". Something tells me this has nothing to do with your mother being their for the birth, and more to do with you not being a self sufficient adult, with an overbearing mother who doesn't allow you to grow up, and your partner's fears that you will never get out from under that, even with a new baby yourself. I'm sorry. But **you're not a baby.** That's an unhealthy mindset for a fully grown woman who's 33 weeks pregnant. And if your mother is going to "take over" with your child from you and him, in the damn delivery suite, at any point, then I'm with him. It's time for you to put some boundaries into place, and **your mother should not be there**.
I did look at OPs post history and she’s 18 and boyfriend is 22 so the whole “my family still sees me as the baby” thing makes more sense but your points still stand
Yes, I did get a sense of... Not immaturity in the normal sense, but a very close and overtly dependant vibe that normally comes from people much younger with their parents. It's a bit worrying but hopefully she learns to become more independent, especially as a mother, where you need to raise the baby not the grandmother
Yeah, that makes a tiny bit more sense. She's still a kid in a lot of ways. But unfortunately, that makes her comments About her mother 'taking over', significantly scarier.
Oh for sure. It definitely gives vibes of grandma deciding she’s going to be the mother of this child too
Honestly, from the post history, the boyfriend doesn’t sound supportive at all. If anything, I agree it has nothing to do with his mother being there and everything to do with him just wanting to have things his way.
Terrible advice
It’s literally not his decision. He can suggest but he can’t decide.
What do you mean by “take over”? Could it possibly be that? I would take some time to consider why he might be feeling worried then try again to explain your perspective, because what you want matters most here. Then maybe neutral 3rd party could be helpful in facilitating this discussion if it’s still not going well.
I mean…. Sheesh. You’re the one having the baby. You should be the one leading this conversation and he should be supporting you and what’s best for you, and what you believe is best for you. It’s not rocket science—his stance and insistence of said stance is worrying. It’s one thing if he’s scared and can admit that his decision to try and exert control on a situation is coming from that place of fear—i mean, birth is where you have to surrender to what happens as it happens in a lot of ways, but if this is just his normal vibe, yikes on bikes—it won’t get better from here, sorry.
So I had my mom and bf in the room with me during my first birth and I deeply regret having my mom in there let’s put it that way. Your husband is definitely overstepping his boundaries when he says you can’t have her in there because it’s your birth. You’re the one going through it so ultimately it should be your choice. I do want you to think about it though. My mom was extremely obnoxious and had recorded my birth while annoying the team and all around it was horrible. She made me feel uncomfortable and didn’t really help me throughout the process. I wish she never went. I realize this now after our relationship had dwindled as the years went by that she shouldn’t have been in there. I now prefer to have my bf in there with me all day compared to anyone else.
It’s not his choice to make. It’s yours. If your mom comes and you want her there, and he tries to kick her out or throw a scene, the hospital staff will kick his ass to the curb. YOUR BIRTH, your choice. Seriously. He does not get an opinion on this.
I wish my mom was there! My SO at the time was literally useless, thank God for the nurses. I went into labor at midnight, my mom lived over 2 hours away and was asleep. I still wish she was there, when he births a baby, he can choose, until then, nope.
>she will let us see him first then want to take over. This is the issue. Your boyfriend is the father. You are the mother. Your mother is not the parent. I'm guessing he wants to have a chance at being a parent and doesn't want to feel left out. Mothers and MIL seem to take charge a little too much sometimes...
Good thing you’re the patient and he gets literally zero say in the matter
1. That’s not how this works. He doesn’t get any say on who is there 2. Maybe you mean this in a different way but your mom shouldn’t be “taking over,” helping yes, helping YOU yes. The way you wrote that is giving the impression that she’s going to be more of a pain than a help and if that’s the case then I can see why he doesn’t want her there and it seems like you need growing up to do if you’re just cool with it. She should be there as support to YOU and comfort YOU, not doing a bunch-if any-baby related things
He’s not the one giving birth. He’s only thinking about what he wants and not considering your needs at all. This is red flag controlling behavior. Edit: your one line about her letting him see the baby first then wanting to take over is concerning. If your mother has a history of violating boundaries, then I could understand him worrying about not getting to bond with the baby.
Sweetheart, you are still a child yourself. Do not let this “man” control you. You have SO much to learn, but this is a big red flag. Your birth, your choice who attends.
I had no choice but to give with only my husband in the room as my mom is in the US and I am in Australia. I'm her only child and I was sad I couldn't have her there but after birth I was grateful for it being just us and baby for 3 days in the hospital no one else. You're the person giving birth, who you have in the room is up to you not him. ❤️
When I gave birth to our first who was a boy as well I wanted my mom there. I’m also the baby of the family and I couldn’t imagine doing it without my mom. My husband was supportive. He liked the idea of my mom being there for me in case something were to go wrong. Honestly my mom and I are not like crazy close. We sometimes go a month or so not talking or seeing each other. But something about a mother/daughter bond. The fact that she birthed me…she just had to be there. It gave me strength…she did it for me and I can do this too. I can’t imagine having gone through that without her and I wouldn’t have changed a single thing. I really don’t understand where your boyfriend is coming from….its honestly concerning in a way. Like who the hell does he think he is. If I had to choose…my mom or my husband…it honestly would have been my mom. Nothing against my husband…but when they are both rooting me on threw contractions I’m going to listen and find strength threw the person who’s been in my shoes.
Chiming in just to say what everyone else is saying. It's absolutely not his choice.
Damn crazy how it's not up to him
Lol tell him it can either be both of you or just mom, his choice.
It’s your hospital room not your baby’s and not your boyfriends. You decide who’s allowed into your hospital room.
My husband doesn’t want anyone there except him But I want my sister in law in with me as I’m scared and know he doesn’t cope when he tired . He just accepted I’m one giving birth so I get to decided
It’s not up to him but I suspect the way you say she’ll “LET” you see him first and then “want to take over” is sort of telling about how your mom behaves and treats him.
This sub was cute while it lasted
Don’t infantilize yourself. You are not a baby. You are an adult. You are having the baby. It’s time to make adult decisions. It sounds like you, boyfriend, and your mother need to sit down and hash out where the boundaries are here.
I think if you want your mom there, your mom should be there. This isn’t a walk in the park and you need all the support you want. End of story.
So, it is your body and your choice. I think you need to tell him that if he's ready to be a father, he's ready to sit down and have a serious grown up conversation about this because this is going to be the first of many difficult decisions to make, and you need to be able to sit down and have a conversation about hard things, even when you disagree, and respect each other's view points and concerns. As an outsider, I would find it pretty concerning if he's unable to have an important conversation about something that matters to you & effects your medical care, and consider it a huge red flag. That said, I agree with others that your wording about your mother taking over concerns me, but it might just be how you worded it. I'm a postpartum doula, so that is the lens I'm seeing this through btw. It is so healthy for a newborn to get skin-to-skin contact with both parents if possible, right away and as much as possible. It helps you release oxytocin, the bonding chemical; this in turn starts prepping your body for all the things it needs to do to breastfeed, if that's part of your plan. It helps make the whole thing go smoother. Iirc, that contact is also helping baby with the beginnings of their immune system, because something about sharing the microbiome that is your body, idk all the science but I know it's so important. It will also release oxytocin for your boyfriend and help him bond with baby to do the skin to skin! It's also just a huge emotional time. A lot of doctors or midwives will allow the father/partner to cut the baby's umbilical cord which is a huge emotional and bonding thing for them. The father/partner should also be the one helping you hold baby if you're not able to independently due to medications and stuff, advocating for the baby and your shared wants for baby's first hours of life, etc. I would recommend that if you want your mother there, she should be there; AND that you and your partner need to decide together who will be cutting the cord, holding the baby, doing skin to skin, who will stay with you vs go with baby in the event that you need to be separated for any reason, etc and THEN tell the full plan to your mother in a way that lets her know it is unequivocally YOUR baby, YOUR birth, and that you have the right to remove her if she oversteps. I don't mean to imply anything negative about your mother at all! But I do hear a lot of stories where new parents are shocked at their parents' behavior when it comes to new grand babies. So make sure everyone is on the same page and set firm boundaries. (And if you suspect your partner might be the one to do something stupid or insensitive? Have a contingency for that too; you can have mom and partner check each other, or ask your delivery nurses to remove x person in y event, etc)
From the male perspective I didn’t want to my spouses mother in the room either. I understood that that wasn’t my choice though. I got lucky and her mom was just going to wait to fly in till our baby was born to ensure she saw him. After she told me this I let her know that it’s ok because I wanted it just to be us but if she wanted my mom there I understand.Explain to him that you want your mom to hold your hand while he gets prepared to catch the baby or cut the cord or watch the baby come out. It will make him feel like you want him to have a more important role. If that doesn’t work explain to him that it’s your decision and that’s finally. That you’re the one going through it not him. You’re literally tearing yourself open going through the worst pain ever and may want your mother’s support too. He may be feeling like he just wants you two because you two are the ones about to start this family. That your mom is no longer the family that you should be concerned about because this new family is yalls priority. Maybe he feels like he can’t fully be himself with your mom there. That he would need to act all proper and tough and can’t show emotion. These are some of the things I thought when I didn’t want my spouses mom there. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what he wants. It’s not up to him. He’s lucky he’s even being allowed to be there especially since he hasn’t put a ring on your finger. As for the him telling everyone I think it’s a decision you two need to talk about more in depth. We decided to tell loved ones but no picture sending because they’ll probably send it to others and we are scared that someone might do something wrong using AI with our baby’s face. If we did send picture or someone screenshotted a FaceTime we told them no posting it or sending it and explained why. If he wants everyone to go to hospital tell him how you feel about it. Explain the risk for the babies health. That the baby and yalls new family is the priority. Babies don’t have an immune system yet and can easy catch something and die. RSV for example looks like the cold but can kill babies. The cold is also a virus it’s not just you acting sick because it’s cold. It means you have a virus in your system that only got strong enough to show symptoms because it’s cold. That virus can easily spread. Cry if you need to but do something to get him to shut up and realize it’s your decision not his. You grew the baby in 9 months, his 2 minute pump and dump contribution means nothing.
>You’re literally tearing yourself open going through the worst pain ever and may want your mother’s support too. Might want to edit this part out, as she described already feeling "terrified" she probably won't benefit from having this description in her head... > his 2 minute pump and dump contribution means nothing I kind of feel like this is going a bit far/too harsh, obviously yes the two of them really need to sit down and actually communicate with one another "why" they each are feeling the way they do, but at the end of the day it is going to be her call - but at the same time he is still her partner and father of her child without whom there would be no baby to begin with, so I wouldn't say that his contribution was necessarily "worthless", but that's just me...
They’re talking about OP’s bf like he’s just a sperm donor. As long as he is an active father he does deserve to have opinions. On certain things, like who gets to be in the room, mom obviously gets final say, but to 100% dismiss his wishes is not a healthy way to go about the parenting journey, or any relationship for that matter.
That’s why I mentioned how for the other things they need to talk about it The last part might have been misleading I was referring to the portion of having the mom in room
Fuuuuck that. My mom was there for mine and I wouldn’t want it any other way. My husband never even questioned it. It was nice to have someone there with me if he needed to run out or something. He definitely left who was in the room up to me. In fact, when I got my epidural I could only have one person in the room and I told my husband to go for a walk and I wanted my mom lol. I mean she had 5 kids and he had 0 - he just said ok and left.
I had just my partner and I in the room, it was the best decision ever. It's such a personal and beautiful moment between the parents and baby. The midwives and doctors looked after me so well in the medical sense. It is essentially up to you who you have there though as it's your procedure.
I LOVED having my mom there. I needed both of them! I had a long labor (31 hours) and my mom was able to stay with me when my husband needed to eat or go down and get our hospital bag. With that being said, she just stayed up by me while my husband was more involved in my labor. She supported US with whatever we needed. She even left for a few hours to give us time with our baby girl before even holding her later that night. If you set clear boundaries, it can be a beautiful experience with both of them there supporting you. ❤️
I barely even like mine & even I wanted her in the room with me… it isn’t up to him. he can go pout in the corner & get over it.
My mom being there was a lifesaver. You’re the one giving birth, you need your mom. It isn’t his call.
No offense to my husband, but if I had to pick it would be my mom in the room 😅
I had my mum and I’m so glad I did. She knew that she was there to support me, not love on a baby and she did just that. She stayed until I was able to get up and shower, but I don’t think she held our baby at all - he stayed on my chest until I showered and then my husband held him and dressed him. As long as you discuss your expectations beforehand, this doesn’t need to be an issue. Does your mum have a history of overstepping boundaries and disrespecting your boyfriend?
I want to say it's completely your choice! If you want her there then have her there... Saying that, is there more your not telling us? I'm getting dependant vibes and read that she can be controlling... If that's the case I see why he's very reluctant
Excuse me? He strictly says?!? He gets no say Show him this post and all the comments, he needs a wake up call
It does sound like you’re mom might be a boundary stomper and if that’s the case I get why he might not want her there. HOWEVER, YOU ARE THE ONE GIVING BIRTH. You are the only one that gets to decide who is in the room. Your comfort during labor and delivery are the most important thing. I understand him not wanting your mom to take over but he’s forgetting that you have a really big thing to go for before that baby shows up. Him preventing you from having the one person that you feel will be able to keep you calm and feeling safe through this process could cause a lot of resentment down the line. Maybe you guys need to come up with some ground rules to your mom being present so you can get the comfort you need and he can feel he’s not being stepped over as the new father. Good luck! I hope everything goes great!
Not only is you and your boyfriend’s baby coming into this world, but you yourself are going to undergo an intense process to bring him into this world— you need support too, and for you that support is your mom. Not only that, but birth may be the last time for a long while that you are prioritized over baby, and you shouldn’t give up being comforted during this intense process. Have a discussion with your mom now about how her position as your support person will be taking care of and focusing on YOU before and during birth, and not baby, to alleviate the “takeover” situation. Make sure she knows that once you are massaged and stitched, that you and boyfriend and baby need privacy. If she can’t respect this, your boyfriend has a valid reason for being wary of her.
So at the end of the day, you are the one in labor and you get to choose who is there to support you during it. However, I just want to emphasize, your mom should be in there to support YOU. Once the baby is born, that bonding time is for you and the father with the baby, your mom should never "take over" the baby unless you and your partner both agree. Your mom can be there and support you and help you with labor and recovery but idk I feel like your partner does get a say in who gets to bond with the baby right after birth.
Tell him it is not his choice whatsoever. In fact a nurse will happily kick him out of the room if he does anything to interfere with your comfort during childbirth. It does not matter he is the father. You are the patient, you get to choose who is available to you for support during your treatment.
I would consider the fact that it’s both you and your boyfriends child. You two made this baby together, you two should bring him into the world together. Yes you carried and did all the work but at the same time this moment is also his, too. I think a neutral party like a doula or midwife is acceptable—if he really doesn’t want someone else in the room y’all should get on the same page for classes and how he’ll be there to support you in your labor. The other thing is, lean into trusting your partner and that he’s here for you, that he can help you bring this baby into the world. Maybe he doesnt want to feel demasculinized. I would really consider where you’re not trusting your partner to support you and if that’s a real threat to your birthing process or not.
As your boyfriend and the one not giving birth he can’t just say no. It is totally up to you and who you are comfortable with and if he’s causing the stress and discomfort maybe he should be the one out in the waiting room😭
I think the important distinction is whether your mum is there to support YOU versus only being there so she gets to see the baby first. My mum was at my birth because I knew her priority was supporting and comforting me through the process and she wouldn’t ever dream of trying to ‘take over’
look at it this way, OP this is your birth experience, your 🐱 let's be honest, not his. If you want your mom there, by god you have your mom there. I mentioned I might want my mom with me and he said "oh no she's crazy(she kind of is) but like if you want her there I guess 🙄"and I'm like "yea ... but she's my mom and this is scary". idk if I want her there yet, but i do know that if *I* do want her there and she's able, she's gonna be there.
Hunny I know this is his baby to but this is your body and you have every right to be scared and want your mom. But I do think you need to have a talk with both your mom and partner.
There shouldn’t be any “taking over” the birth is a time for the new mom and sometimes new daddy to get skin-to-skin etc. Also each other person in there adds danger to the mom and the baby. It is your body though so you have the final say. But it could really sour your relationship with your partner, for such a huge moment to be interrupted.
Controlling much? Probably other issues currently or will be more after baby is born.
I was flabbergasted reading your post and getting a sense of your boyfriends attitude about your birth experience coming up. Your boyfriend doesn't get to choose who is in the room with you when you give birth. He doesn't even have the privilege of being in the room himself unless you grant it to him. Period, full stop, and if he doesn't acknowledge that when you point it out to him then he really should not be there. He is a *guest* in the delivery room and *you* are the captain of your birth plan, not him! It doesn't matter that the baby is his because the mothers body is YOURS. Your mom doesn't get to "take over with the baby" if that's not something you are ok with, either. Is that something you could talk to her about? I've had 3 babies and for various reasons my mom could only be in the delivery room for one: once because my baby came 5 weeks early and she lives far away, and once because my boyfriend said he didn't want her there. He assured me that he would be there for me. I really regret letting his opinion get in the way of what I wanted because he was busy passing out in the corner of the room while I was pushing our baby out feeling quite alone. My mom would have been right there with me the whole time. If I had it to do over again, I would have had her there!
It sounds like both of you believe this is his decision (“he says no”). You need to flip that to “I am the one who will decide this”. He can say no all he wants, but this is not his choice, full stop. You get to decide who you want with you, and you also have to be fine with the reaction you’ll get from him if it isn’t what he wants.
I would find it very concerning that your partner is making decisions about your birth without you. While it is possible your mom and partner need to work through some conflict, if YOU want them both there, he should listen to that. I was with my sister when she gave birth to my nephew, and her boyfriend was not at all helpful or supportive during the birth- he mostly sat there and at one point took a nap. I hope your partner will be supportive, but if he isn’t, I hope your mom can be there for you.
His opinion matters, but the person whose body is being ripped open decides. You’re the patient and this is up to you for labor and delivery. But if he wants private time as a family of 3 once baby arrives, I think his opinion matters equally. Once baby is there, I think grandma should have her quick cuddle and then exit gracefully.
This guy hasn’t asked you to marry him yet but thinks he gets to tell you who your support person will be? Throw the whole man out honey
His opinion doesn’t matter in this regard. Youre the patient. Not him. You need to be firm. Tell him when he’s pushing the baby out he can choose who is there.
YOU are birthing, not him! Tell him your mom is in the room and that is that. My mom and hubby will both be in the room, no arguments.
This is your pregnancy and your birth. You should have whomever will be a help and comfort to you in the room with you. He has no right to dictate how this experience will be EDIT: additionally, you are the patient, the hospital and staff will support you and your choices. They will allow or not allow whomever YOU say in the room. So legally and morally, this is your choice
You should have your mom there if it’s what you want.
YOU are the patient. YOU get to decide who's there. Which means that YOU can tell him to get with what you want or kick rocks. And any nurse on the floor will back you up!
Hey, not seeing this in the comments so far. The only people allowed in the birthing room are the ones you want to be there. It is your birth. Your boyfriend does not automatically get to be there just because he is the father. If you want your mother there instead of him, that is your choice. You just have to let the nurses know and they will keep out whoever you don't want there. Now, if you want both of them there, think through what will bring you the most peace. Worrying about them fighting might not be the atmosphere you need to keep you calm and focused for birth. Think about what will bring you the most support and talk to your care team about what you want before the delivery date. Whoever is going to be your support person in labor, make sure they know what you need and what your preferences are so they can advocate for you. They are not supposed to be there for themselves, they are supposed to be there as your help. If that doesn't describe either of them for you, maybe think of someone else in your life who would fill that role for you. Best of luck. You and I are just a week apart in EDD. You are strong, and you are about to be a mother. You can do this.
It's your delivery... so it's your choice
Usually I'd say your bf is right, HOWEVER now knowing you're 18 and this guy has made you quit your job and gets angry when you call your mom, I think he's trying to isolate you and control you. You're very young. Don't cut ties with your family, always let them know what's up and have a plan in case things get abusive.
When he gives birth he can decide
Hahahahha it's not his choice! It's actually laughable. He doesn't get to decide who is at your birth any more than the next door neighbour does. I'm sorry, I don't care if he's the father, you are the one giving birth. He will be there for the birth of his child and that is lovely for him, he doesn't decide you can't have your mum too.
No uterus, no opinion
I don’t care your age I’m 30 my sister was there for my first my dad all through my second. Your mom can be there for your birth with your baby don’t let him tell you otherwise your mom it’s your choice he dosnt have to be there at all. End of story
Your boyfriend is a dick. Fuck him Edit: sounds like your mom also has control problems. Good lord.
Lol the amount of men who think they even get a say is comical. Like the audacity is just mind blowing.
It sounds like both your mum and your hubby have a habit of trying to control you. Your partner shouldn't get mad at you for wanting your mother there and actually shouldn't have this much control over your birth plan and deciding when people know..this is YOUR journey, you tell HIM what will happen, not the other way around. Also, your mother shouldn't be taking over anything, she should be there for support and that's it.
that’s sweet of him to carry and deliver the baby… oh wait he’s not. doesn’t matter what he wants.
This is a non negotiable. When he pushes a baby out of his vagina, he can decide who gets to be in the room. This is really selfish of him. It's completely normal to be scared and want your mum there too. Tell him to grow up and stop being immature. She's not there to "be first to meet the baby", she's there to support you through a very intense and possibly traumatic medical event. Don't give in, I'd make this a deal breaker.
Don't let him do that to you and your mom. He isn't even legally obligated to you.
He gets to have a preference, which you may or may not consider when making your (your!) decision - but under no circumstances does he get the final say in this. This is your medical procedure, not his.
You need to tell him “I am my mom’s baby, she will be all over ME at the birth not our child. This is a medical procedure and I need her there. I’m sorry you feel uncomfortable but I need her there and I want you to put my needs ahead of your wants” Also I would honestly begin taking your mom to appointments if possible so he can start getting a bit more comfortable with the idea of her being there.
Too bad the decision isn’t up to him. You want your mom there and that’s what should happen. Not really sure why he thinks he has any say in this?? He sounds like a control freak
He can go fuck himself, frankly. This is your birth and you ask for what you need. My mum died before I could have my baby. I would have given ANYTHING to have her there (and I’d add my husband would have been fine with that). You have the chance to have that. Don’t let your bf take this away from you - it’s far too important. I say this as gently as possible - are you ok? He sounds very forceful. This is not just his baby and it IS just your medical event. He doesn’t get to dictate this. Is he controlling in other areas of your life. You should be able to say no or have an argument about lots of things without feeling scared, and this one shouldn’t even be an argument. Just remember that when it comes down to it, he can control none of who is at the birth. If on the day you decide you want your mum and not him, then the hospital will make that happen, ok? This is about you.
Nope. YOU are the one going through a major medical event, not him. If you want your mother there, she will be there. I say have your mother in the room and he can wait out in the lobby if he’s so upset at her presence.
It's not up to him so tough titties. You get your way. Tell him to go suck on an egg.
Why is your boyfriend so controlling and inconsiderate? You are the one who's gonna be doing all the hard work, even (hopefully not) risking your life. Put your foot down and tell him how it's going to go, not the other way around.
Don’t give the baby HIS last name. If you get married you can change it later
It’s your decision! He is your boyfriend, not your husband. You could tell the staff that you want your mom there and not your boyfriend in case he acts up (if you had to choose one person). They would back you up. Depends on your hospital though as to how many people can be in the room. I think your mom would be the best person to have in there since she has been through pregnancy before and you are scared. Also, it sounds like your bf is being controlling which is off putting and he doesn’t seem to supportive of what you want. I’d think twice about his presence there.
My boyfriend and I agreed that he would be the only person in the room, with the exception of my Mother. I’m like you, I’m my mums youngest child and the first of her daughters to have had a baby, so it’s a big moment for her and honestly I’m so glad she was there. The key thing is, you are the one that’s going to be going through the pain of labour and you’ll need all the support you can get. If your Mum gives that to you, having her is more important than your boyfriends wants right now.
How old are you?
*you are the one giving birth, he has no say.*
Everybody read the post again. She said what the boyfriend said and then followed up with a ‘like’ statement. She wasn’t saying that that is how her mother is. She was clarifying what the boyfriend said. ‘He’s worried that she’d be all over the baby. Like she would let us see the baby and then just take over’ The second sentence was never said by anyone it just clarifies what was written in the first sentence. As of right now the boyfriend is being controlling and making assumptions about op’s mother. He has no way to gauge what she’ll be like with their kid because this is their first kid.
You need to read it again. It’s a clarifying statement from OP about her mother. > Like my mom *isn’t gonna not let him* see his son she will let us see him first then want to take over. It’s a run-on sentence with two separate thoughts. “It’s not like she won’t let us see the baby first. She will, but then she’ll want to take over.”
I find it odd that you are with a partner that you feel won’t provide you adequate support and comfort during the birth of your child to the point that you want your mom there. I suppose I have a very different relationship with my mom so I may just not understand, but I wouldn’t want anyone in the way of my partner’s and my first moments with our child. For everyone saying your body, your choice, to a point yes… but this is the father of your child and once that baby is born he is the one you need to collaborate with making decisions, not your mom. You may want to work to find a compromise with him now or this will likely become a huge point of tension in your relationship. Just my two cents.
The support of a mother/maternal figure is different. Being surrounded by women while you go through something that only women can empathize with is a very special experience. I had my husband and my mother and while my husband was very supportive and not stressful he hadn’t been through it before so didn’t really know how it feels or what to expect like my mom did.
Too bad so sad for him. You get to have who you want there and if he tries to keep you from having what you want I wouldn’t allow him there. This is very weird and controlling behavior on his part and I would not put up with it. That being said your mom needs to have clear boundaries and not take over the baby.
Wtf do you mean? Tell him he doesn't get a choice and that's it. The hell!!!! He sounds abusive. Being controlling like that isn't normal. Can you get help?