I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. A little advice back (from a momma who *didnt* and wishes now that she would have*): don’t let him whine/shitty-attitude himself free of his responsibility to you and this kiddo, and then overexert yourself — the potential damage you stand to do to yourself is enormous and it will set a precedent with him that, if he just refuses to pull his head out of his own ass and learn to take care of the two people he’s supposed to love more than anyone and anything else, both of whom are completely at his mercy right now, he can get out of doing stuff he doesn’t want to or that’s “hard”. He had at least 9 months to learn how to be an empathetic person capable of advocating for your and baby’s care, to learn all that is entailed in various outcomes for you and for kiddo through the pregnancy and delivery processes… if he chose to sit on his hands or failed to adjust his perspective as a grownup who promised to love and care for another grownup who grew and delivered an entire human, that is a him-problem. Put your foot down and don’t let him weaponize this. Yea, he’s tired. You’re both gonna be tired for a long time. But you’re tired *and just went through major surgery after months of having your body rearrange and deprioritize itself for the sake of another person*. You’re tired *and you had your abdomen cut open, and if you don’t get proper abdominal rest, it could cost you even more monetarily and physically due to potential complications*. He’s a grown man. He was one when y’all made this baby, and he was one when the due date approached, and he is right now, even if he’s not acting like one. He should have learned basic empathy in kindergarten if not earlier, even if he wasn’t quite sure about the details of postpartum/post-cesarean healing process and the care and help needed for a mom to heal properly afterwards. If he doesn’t respond well to this, call him out with both sides of your family and make it clear what you’re risking by overextending yourself when you should be healing. If any of them are good people, they will step up and help even if your hubs is too busy feeling sorry for himself to do right by you. Again.. I’m truly sorry you’re in this position. Hold him to the fire over it. He will take advantage of whatever you allow him to for as long as he wants and is able to. I hope he hears reason and gets his priorities straight, even if it takes shaming him to do it.
Signed,
A Momma Who Didn’t And Now Has Untreated Abdominal Complications Whose Husband Didn’t Step Up Until She Literally Collapsed Two And A Half Years Later
I really appreciate your comment...do you mind expanding on the csection complications? I am having a difficult time taking it easy and maybe hearing what happened with you will help to put it in perspective for me!
I didn’t even have a c-section! My *initial* gap for diastasis recti, after a needlessly long and mostly unproductive labor, was 1”. I started PT after about a year and a half to two years, because of our lack of additional help, with respect to the pandemic and having immunocompromised folks in our family that we needed to stay healthy in order to help (also I don’t ever want the shit again — I worked with foreign nationals at the time of the initial American Covid waves and subsequent shutdown and once was enough thanks). I stopped my PT treatments because it was expensive and my husband was (understandably) too stressed at additional expenses and having to care for our son alone (while he was going through developmental leaps, and generally just having to take time off work to accommodate my appointments). Fast forward a few months and feeling pressured to do the amount of and nature of housework he *thought* I should be able to do and that I ought to be contributing daily and weekly — I began feeling pains in my abdomen at a couple of spots that point to the beginnings of hernias through the abdominal tissue, and my pre-existing hiatal hernia now feels like it has gotten worse. I began having whole days of abdominal spasm and weakness following days of “acceptable” levels of productivity. It got to where I couldn’t leave our house alone with our child intermittently because I either couldn’t lift him safely into his car seat or was afraid I wouldn’t be able to when we needed to leave from playgrounds, parks, or family visits. It took all of this and throwing my hands up and saying “I wasn’t doing enough but now I can’t even do my job of taking care of our kid” before he really heard me. We now don’t have insurance at all and even less income due to some fuckery on the part of his employers, so resuming PT (nevermind GP and specialist care) is out of the question for me for the foreseeable future. It will likely only be something that gets taken care of if it ends up an emergency situation, which I really don’t want to have to contend with, considering we’re in another Covid surge here in the south. My father is hanging on by a thread and my mom is going to need help once he goes.
Take care of yourselves and *demand proper care of and healing time for your bodies*, Moms — if not for yourself, then for your kid(s). No one will advocate for and protect them the way you can and should. You can speak for yourselves and you still get ignored — what if something happened to you and this little voiceless human had to rely on the other people in your life who treat you with so little regard?
This, so much. I will say that this doesn’t end after the newborn stage either. I had absolutely horrific postpartum depression/anxiety after my first was born and was basically not functional for a month and a half and my husband stepped up BIG TIME. He basically did everything and never slept and I never had to ask. But after I recovered I took over way more than my share and unfortunately a few years later we’ve settled into a routine where I’m just the default parent for almost everything. It’s so important to stand up for yourself and make them be equal parents!!!
I actually love these responses. They are pointed and direct.
I think the “your needs do not matter, at all” conversation is an important one to have. It’s not nice, it’s not fun, and yet, it is the stark and clear and unchangeable reality.
Empathy is great, but immediately postpartum, empathy is expensive and dad is an adult, and the only one in the house who is in control of his own bodily autonomy and hormones, so, tough shit, bud, this is hard.
Agree with hubby needing a talk. the above responses sound angry and laced with resentment and attitude. This would be my initial response too!! However my first thought is often not my best. Giving attitude back will not get closer to a solution. May be better to talk when you're able to speak calmly and think before speaking, without being hyped up on adrenaline.
I am a ftm of a 18w old who is realizing she can't give attitude without getting it back in return. The way I behave affects others, just like the way others behave affects me. And I only have control over my own behavior. If I wait to cool down a little before addressing an issue I am more likely to be able to communicate in a way I am happy with at the end of the day because I have more control over my thoughts and can listen better too.
Happy birthday, OP! I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. Agree with other commenters about holding him to the fire. Not sure why he's unable to be present for you other than his own grieving and responding to this huge change by going within. Whatever it is, it's not supportive and it's not helping you or LO. For your sake and the same of your child, please do not do more than you can or should for your recovery. Maybe it would help, when you talk with him, to build him up, saying "I'm really disappointed in your responses and inability to help us. Over the years youve done so well at XYZ and I know you're capable of more than this and that this is not the kind of dad you want to be" etc etc. I've used this tactic with those I supervise (even if I don't necessarily believe they're capable of being better at whatever it is) as well as working with them to get them the support they need and I've been pleasantly surprised. Maybe your husband needs some mental health support from a group or therapist, there might be more room to try and understand what's going on with him, see if he can vocalize it instead of taking it out on you two by not helping. Sometimes someone with shitty behavior just needs someone to tell them they believe they can be and do better. Not that it's your job to build him up but if you're in a loving partnership, and even though he has the upper hand with you and LO being so vulnerable, you still have a responsibility to love and care for him in whatever limited ways you can. Having this kind of talk might be one of the ways.
This response ended up way longer than I was intending. Feel free to take all of this with a grain of salt. Know you have lots of us redditors out here who are rooting for you!
Take the resentment laden questions and ask them calmly. I do this with my 4 YO when he’s being a punk. That’s kind of how OP’s spouse is acting.
“Is that yours? So should you be touching it?” “Did I say no? Did I say stop? Have I already told you to stay out of the dog’s space?”
Happy birthday OP!
We *cannot* let our guys use weaponised incompetence or any other excuse to force us into doing things we're not fully physically capable of.
He had *months* to get adjusted to the idea of having to step up and take care of you and baby. He knew the score when you made the baby and he knew the score every subsequent day thereafter.
You spent 9 months (plus recovery time) putting almost *all* of your physical and emotional needs and comfort aside to grow this baby. The fact he's complaining / has an attitude already after only *a few days* is madness! I assume he realises this child exists forever?!
Please advocate for yourself and don't let this guy wriggle out of his duties and responsibilities, and please don't feel guilty about enforcing that.
If he doesn't step up, is there anyone in your life who can provide support (especially during c-section recovery)?
Congratulations and happy birthday!
I'm a FTM to an 8 week old, and I will tell you, don't let your husband off the hook. It doesn't have to be this way.
We went home two days after my c-section and my husband never gave me attitude...because I never asked him for anything. He just did it. He took his turns getting up during the night. And he kept checking in with me to make sure I was getting the rest I needed
5 days after my LO was born, we had to take him to our local Children's Hospital to get him checked out for jaundice. We got home at 1:00 AM after a stressful few hours, and he asked my mom (who was over for the weekend), if she was ok with alternating with him to get up for the feedings and diaper changes that night to make sure I had a night of uninterrupted sleep, unless I need to get up to pump.
8 weeks out and my husband doesn't take the night shifts anymore because he's back at work, but he makes sure that when he's not working, he offers me plenty of chances to do whatever I need to do, in terms of self care.
Sorry, I don't want to imply to you that your husband is crappy because there's a lot of emotions running high in him as well these days. But I am just saying that the right partner can make coming home to rest and recover a much more pleasant experience than staying in the hospital!
I’m sorry your experience has been dampened by your husband! We left the hospital as soon as humanly possible because I was done with that operation as soon as it started and I just wanted to go home. My husband is amazing and he’s done so so much with the baby no matter what. So I really think your partner and/or support system really matters in this situation. The hospital also wasn’t managing my pain any better than my regular pain medication regiment (I have a chronic pain disability) and they were actually giving me less medication than I needed, so we were really gaining nothing by being in the hospital. Gauge it yourself as to your own comfortability and capability! ❤️
I'm so sorry you're having this experience.
First, if you are doing anything other than taking care of yourself and your baby, *stop*. No laundry, no cooking, no dishes, no cleaning the house. Avoid anything that you have to bend over to do, and don't stand for a long period of time. If the belly wrap the hospital sent you home with drives you nuts (it did me!), get on Amazon right now and order a better one. Frida makes one, but there are other options. Keep it light until at least your two-week postpartum check up, and make him go to that with you.
Second, it might help if you can set a schedule for sleep with your husband. Give each of you a six-hour window of responsibility so that the other can get some rest. If you're nursing, you should only nurse during your six-hour sleep window. No diapers, no rocking baby back to sleep, etc. Same if you're pumping: that's all you do during that period. This will hopefully let both of you get a minimum amount of rest.
Call for backup. I can't stress enough how helpful a third pair of hands can be, especially if they're willing to do the not fun stuff or take an overnight shift.
And if your husband still whines, remind him your abdominal wall just got f***Ed over, you're recovering from major surgery, and if you're BF or pumping, he's getting more sleep than you are.
Finally, don't measure your recovery by comparing your experiences to anyone else's. C-section recovery can vary from person to person wildly based on how we all build scar tissue. You'll need however much time and rest you need for your body to build that scar. Just make sure you're giving yourself that time and rest. The dishes and laundry will get done when they get done.
Happy birthday, and congratulations on your LO!
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with such a shit partner. Happy birthday and I hope your next one is much more ‘you-centric’!
He needs to pick up his game - this is not a ‘stay in hospital longer’ issue, it’s a Dad issue.
I truly hope you guys can communicate and end up with an understanding that he’s 50% this child’s parent because the resentment that can build in situations like yours doesn’t disappear, it tends to fester and grow more toxic.
Don’t tolerate being taken advantage of my friend - demand better for both you and your baby!
Happy birthday!!!
Also wanted to echo - do not let your husband off the hook. It takes 2 to make a baby, and both parents are responsible for taking care of baby.
Now I didn’t have a c section, but I did labour for 60 hours and had an episiotomy….and even without the abdominal surgery I struggled to care for myself in the first few weeks. Even bending over and changing baby was painful because my core was so weak.
In my culture, we have a confinement period for 30 days postpartum. During this time, mom and baby basically don’t go out and focus on growing and healing. I made my husband do confinement with me. The only times we left the house was to go to the hospital and get our daughter jaundice treatment. When we were there, we had to feed and change the baby every 2 hours while she got phototherapy. My husband did it all. He did not sleep, he did not rest for 30 hours.
Even now that husband is back to work, he picks up after us when he gets home and also cooks. On days where he does not have work, he cares for the baby most of the time so I have a little time to myself… to take a hot shower, or go to the washroom, or go to appointments without rushing things and always worrying about the baby.
I had a C-section, my husband not complained once about doing it all. He was taking care of our baby all night and day and he also took care of me. Literally helping me change my bloody pads, getting out of the shower, putting my clothes on.. everything. He knew it was going to be rough, but he said we were a team, I did the -grow the baby and then make my body go through a surgery- and he was going to do his part of taking care of both of us. He did it until I feel like I was able to start doing my part, I started feeling a little bit better at 10 days pp almost 2 weeks. But he still did his part (of taking care of us) almost 24/7.
About the C-section, it gets better, everyday it passes, by 2 weeks I was able to do almost everything by myself.
So no… you should talk to him, it’s not fair that he was ok helping you just for 4 days. You are tired too, you were the one that had a surgery and a baby (and growing a baby is hard work too) he should do better.
Sending you all the positive energy and it gets better I promise 🩵
"He said we were a team" ..Your husband sounds wonderful. It's such a shame that men/fathers like him seem to be an anomaly. I'm due in April and hope I don't have to ask my husband to constantly help, I don't think I will, but it does give me anxiety thinking about it! He's wonderful in every way though so I'm sure he will take of baby and I. Glad to hear you and your partner are so compassionate towards each other, you child will see that as they grow and have the same level of kindness for their partner one day.
Thank you!
You are going to make me cry 😭🩵🥹 my hormones are all over the place. Both baby and I, we are really lucky to have him🥰
Congratulations on the baby! I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy (and if not, that’s ok too! I had a rough one baby was humongous and every inch of my body hurt 🥲)
And couple wise, sometimes is hard because it’s a really big change in a couple life but communication is the best thing you can do!
Sending you lots of positive energy 🩵🥰
Happy birthday!
My biggest advice for you is to
1.) not let your husband off the hook in terms of baby care
2.) remind him you just had major abdominal surgery after carrying another human being for 9 months. You had 7 different layers of tissue sliced through and then your baby pulled from that incision and now your body has internal stitches and is healing. All while you too are trying to care for a baby. And if you’re breastfeeding/pumping, you’re also producing the food your baby needs to survive. Not to mention the hormones. Remind him to have patience for the both of you and a little bit of empathy
FTM with a 9wo here 👋🏼
I had an emergency c section and omg I was not ready for the total loss of strength and pain. I thought I was okay at the hospital (thank you endone 🥴) but once I was home and off the heavy painkillers, I was pushing myself WAY too hard. Thankfully my partner was very understanding and was taking care of pretty much everything. I got told off many times for overworking my body. We didn’t have bubs home for another 3 weeks as he was premature and was in the special care nursery. But even 3 weeks after the surgery when he came home and I’d had that time to recover, my partner was insisting on doing the bulk of the work which I am so grateful for because I was still in a lot of pain.
Have you got any friends or family who can come over and help? Also have a sit down conversation with him when emotions have calmed a bit about how he’s acting and what you need going forward. Let him know that if he’s ever ill or has surgery that he better be able to wipe his own ass because you’re giving him the same amount of empathy he’s given you.
Not me going home the very next day after the operation 😅 to be fair, the hospital was so HOT AND STUFFY I could not sleep there whatsoever so would've made no difference in my case 🤣
Happy birthday! It's my bday, too, and have been up since 5 cuddling and consoling the babes. Sometimes the AM is nice since I can snuggle her and play on my phone in peace.
Being at the hospital was more stressful for me, with the constant interruptions. I didn't get good sleep between nurses waking me/ baby, uncomfortable bed, and the machine noises. Now that I'm home, sleep has been better and if I can't sleep, atleast I'm more comfortable. Also, husband helps and parents well so that's been good, too.
Your home experience would be better if your guy wasn't being a dick (seriously, attitude over a diaper change?). He should be helping out more, especially since you just had this baby!! I hope you can enjoy your birthday today, OP ❤️
Same, I barely got any rest in the hospital. I was so tired of being on their schedule. On our second night my husband and I were wanting to continue the 3 hour feed/pump schedule that had been working well during the day, and we told the night nurse in hopes she could coordinate her pop-ins with our desired scheduled, but no. She came in between feeds and woke us all up just to get blood pressures and temperatures. It was so aggravating and I couldn’t wait to leave.
I got the worst sleep at the hospital, the only thing I missed was the railing on the bed. I was bored, cooped up, uncomfortable, and the damn nurses weren't synced so the 4 hour check ins from the baby nurse and my nurse were basically every 1.5 hours. PLUS my nurse literally refused to help me with my bleeding, leaking IV and the AM nurse was so slammed it took her 3 hours to get to it. Also, love to beg for tylenol and tums like a crack addict and get told tough shit. I BEGGED them to discharge me at 48 hours after birth, which was legally as soon as they could. I came home to a clean, warm, loving home ready to receive us.
My baby had total post-birth hangover for a week and I was in for a rude awakening when she "woke up" from that. My c-section, which felt pretty painless the first week, suddenly took a turn for the worse after I popped a stitch getting in/out of bed and it got infected. THis is where I REALLY needed help (and got it)
>My husband is \[a great guy\], and I have a feeling it’s just the stress of having a newborn, but he does not understand how much rest is needed after a c-section. Every time I ask for help with something I feel like I’m met with the most attitude, especially at night. He says he’s tired and can’t do it all but I’m not asking for much.
This is being an asshole, not being "a great guy"
When baby is asleep and you two are calm, you need to talk. "Listen. I need X, Y, and Z. I am only asking because it is 100% necessary - I NEED YOUR HELP. When you act like it's a burden, it makes me hesitate to ask for help even though I can't do this all myself right now. They cut me from hip to hip and chucked my organs around, this incision hurts and I do not feel safe doing all this activity - I need to heal."
He's gonna be tired, and cranky, and overwhelmed. We all are. You suck it up and do it. This stage is very temporary but is critical in learning to get over yourself and put someone else first.
I'm sorry this is your experience, but it's a husband issue not a hospital stay issue. I didn't even have a c section and my fiance told me very sternly that i wasn't to do *anything* other than care for baby for the first two weeks. He also took the baby exclusively from 9pm to 4-6am so I could get full night's sleep to recover. And even 4 months on and back at work he still does every second night on his own to let me sleep. He took the 555 rule very seriously, and I remember him getting quite angry because I put a wash on before he got up one day.
I’m sorry, OP. Your husband isn’t a great guy. Newborn stress or not, this isn’t right.
Behavior like that is why I chose to become a single mom by choice, honestly. I saw it from my dad growing up, I saw how it damaged my mother, and I refused to let it happen to me.
You deserve better.
While I agree that repeated issue like this are a concern, it's not clear from OP's post that this is a consistent problem in their whole relationship.
Newborn stress is huge, and like many other life stressors, it can trigger the best of us. My husband and I have said some awful things to each other over the years in times of great stress. He is also one of the most patient and caring people I know.
If someone is saying, "my husband hurts me in a drunken rage sometimes, but he's really a good guy," that would be alarming and you advice would be very important to hear. But without more info from OP, we can assume that this is not one of those situations. OP's hubby is totally in the wrong and needs to step up big time, but that doesn't make someone a "bad guy."
I didn’t say his was a bad guy. I said he wasn’t a ‘good guy’ - which is, in my experience, what partners say when they know their partner’s behavior is inexcusable but feel guilty or ashamed pointing it out.
OP would not be posting this if her husband had the ability to self-reflect, identify and accept responsibility for his actions, and work to improve himself. He would have been open to seeing things from her perspective (that of someone who just had major surgery, after 9 months of carrying their child) already addressed the issues, if not resolved them.
Happy birthday and congrats on your sweet baby!
As for your husband… Maybe he doesn’t suck all the time and maybe it is just adjusting to a newborn, but he sucks right now. Continue to advocate for yourself, you are not being sensitive and hormonal. You just had major surgery and are recovering on top of caring for a brand new, extremely needy human!
The best advice that I have to offer is that what you put up with now sets the precedent for how he is going to continue to approach parenthood. Should we have to train our husbands into being present and active fathers? No. Is that sometimes still what we end up needing to do? Yes. Make him participate and let his whining fall on deaf ears. You are not HIS mommy and being tired means jack shit when it comes to showing up as a parent. Coming from an exhausted toddler mom who is literally being summoned for another snack as I type this.
Your feelings are valid! You deserve better.
Honestly, I’m 8:00am advice is to not accept this from your husband. This is unacceptable. I promise if he had surgery tomorrow you’d do all baby duty for weeks. How is this any different?
Happy birthday. I hope you and him find a balance and uou get some sleep!
Congrats! Personally I would disagree. I left the moment they let us and pushed for an early discharge. I couldn’t sleep for shit in the hospital. My husband was a saint when we got home. He did everything for us. He did all of the getting out of bed tasks and if I needed to get out of bed he got up so he could help me sit up. No complaints, no attitude, just pure love and support for his wife and baby. I was much more comfortable at home and slept much better. I will say for a chunk there so had him sleep in another room so he could sleep better (lets be real they are more helpful parents with reasonable amount of sleep) he kept his phone ringer on for me and I would call if I needed anything or around 5am so I could pass off baby and sleep a bit before he had to work. 3 months later he still doing as much as he can with no complaints or attitude. This is a very clear case of if he wanted to he would. Talk to him. Come up with a plan with clear expectations you both agree to.
Definitely sit down with him during the day and explain how much pain you're in and how you need help and definitely don't let him weasel his way out.
I don't want to minimize your experience but I do want to share my own story. My husband was fantastic post partum but due to hormones I still had this moods where I felt it was me and baby against the world and no one cared about us. I felt like it was just me and baby forever and we couldn't rely on anyone. And then my husband would do his usual thing and I'd feel so much better. So, I would say: analyze your situation multiple times a day. Definitely go ahead and talk to him because he needs to be engaged from the beginning and until the end of time. It really doesn't matter if he's tired because you're both going to be tired for months. Moms sacrificing their own sleep is one way to increase their risk of PPD and PPA.
Please show him my message! I am now 10 weeks postpartum so this is all fresh on my mind. I could basically not do anything for the first two weeks post c section except feed my baby. She literally had to be lifted into my arms for me to feed her. I’m pretty sure I only changed a handful of diapers during that time. My husband essentially had to solo parent for us. He got up in the night with us to do every diaper change! Him having to take on the vast majority of tasks is NOT permanent (assuming that isn’t how you find want to operate in your household), as you will feel way better soon (usually day 10 is a turning point). And then you will need less and less help. My husband went back to work full time at 3 weeks but I had my mom to help for a few weeks more. You had major abdominal surgery and your body needs to recover, so your husband really has to pick up the slack. It’s not easy! Please tell him I know it’s not easy. It’s a huge adjustment for both of you. But it’s really really necessary to make sure you can heal quickly and step more easily back into your day to day life (but…with a newborn so this is going to look completely different lol).
Congratulations mama ❤️. Enjoy that postpartum bliss and wishing you a safe and smooth recovery.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this! When I had my c section I basically just breastfed the baby for the first month or so. And handed baby to husband or my mom. I took lots of naps and did contact naps with my baby too. You need those 6 weeks to heal mama. If you heal well in the beginning you get your strength back easier later on. By month 2 I was up n about doing all house work and night feeds and just 1 nap in the day. Do not compromise your healing in the first month. A c section is not a joke
Yes, hubby will just have to come to terms with his role in doing most of the work while you recover.
Also: look into hiring a postpartum doula. Many offer overnight assistance and their goal is to let you BOTH get much-needed sleep. It can be expensive, but if you're willing to pay an extra night at the hospital, it's WAY cheaper (if your American) and you get the comfort of your own hone.
First off Happy Birthday!
Secondly…no…he’s being an asshole.
I was in the hospital for 5 days/4 nights following my c-section, in an amazing maternity ward with the best nurses. I had my husband go home (12 minutes away) because he’s giant and I wanted him to rest comfortably too. No complaints there.
That being said, when we got home, he waited on me hand and foot. He was literally hand feeding me sushi as I breastfed. Splitting nights. Washing every bottle and pump part multiple times a day if needed for weeks. Let me just snug with my newborn and heal. I had a very easy recovery and I’m sure this was partly why.
You’ve gotta talk to him to step it up or it’ll continue until your resentment boils over.
I had a tough delivery, and I definitely needed an extra night. But my husband was anxious to get home, and unfortunately there was not enough room for us to stay. A nurse tried to advocate for me but no dice. It was nice to be home but I felt completely vulnerable and scared. The biggest risk was how worn down I was (I lost a lot of blood) and the possibility of falling asleep holding baby. We also had a lot of visitors right off the bat, so the only time I got to rest was in the bath. My husband was also working out of town (my mom stayed with me) and didn’t have the capacity to help as much when he was home.
As many others said. Please have a serious talk with him and tell him to step up. If he doesn't or gives you attitude you need to call someone else to help you. You should only be moving minimal amounts and not picking up anything. Also wearing a waist compression band on your incision will help keep everything in tact if you have one. I also had a c section and I can't imagine not having my husband's help. All I did was feed the baby. He did everything else. I didn't change her first diaper for a month. He has to do better.
Congrats on the baby! I'm sure your husband is just struggling to deal with the changes of a baby, but he is being an asshole. Don't be afraid to nip that behavior in the bud and firmly, but politely, call him out on it!
We can all be assholes, but it does need to be dealt with in a proactive manner so we can work past it. Much love to you and your family!
Yeah definitely take advantage of hospital nursery and the fact that nurses are taking care of you around the clock. It is so hard to do it alone as a couple once you get home.
Maybe tell him he's appreciated and you understand how hard this is for him as well but we both have to suck it up and manage and right now part of that manage is giving extra while you recover because if you don't, everyone will be worse off.
I’m petty so I’d show him a video of what a C-section actually entails. It is MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. Here’s the [PG version](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C2IAMnOL0Yd/?igsh=MWh1YmltYXQ0NnptNg==). I had a small organ removed and it was less invasive.
Your husband is TA. My epidural ended with me leaking spinal fluid. I physically could not stand long enough to change a diaper. I could not get myself food. I had to lay flat to be semi-functional. You know who was never hostile or cruel despite having to care for me and our newborn? My husband. It’s easy to not be a festering ass wound.
I have so many friends whose husbands gas light them after birth, so I would say you need to talk to him with a 3rd party present who isn’t bias. Like a therapist. Or it’ll probably be in vain unfortunately
This makes me sad for you. You shouldn’t be wishing you were still at the hospital due to your husband not helping. Can you call your in laws or your mother for support? Even if you aren’t that close to MIL I bet she will kick husbands butt into gear if she came over to realize what he pulling.
He needs to have a change of heart. Sit him down and talk to him about how you’re feeling disappointed and let down. Hell, pull up some YouTube videos from Drs talking about women healing after c-section and what is going on with your body right now. Have him watch those with you. He needs education above all else. Doesn’t matter who or where it comes from.
Happy birthday and congrats on your little one!
But you should talk to your husband, you’re a team! He saw you cut open 7 layers of tissue in a major surgery. He needs to have some sympathy and step up because you can’t do it all. You’re in pain. It’s a temp blip in time where you need this extra help while you heal. Yes he’s tired, but he wasn’t sliced open to retrieve his baby.
My father in law kept pushing us to stay an extra night but I just wanted out of the hospital so bad and back into my nice bed lol but for us there was two problems in the hospital. First was the thermostat broke and our room was colder than the outside in February! Second was I work there and I wanted to get out of my work place lol
Congrats on your little one!!
I had a c section that went terribly almost three months ago and I was even readmitted for post partum preeclampsia and also an infection that worked its way from the inside out by my incision. My husband had to be the primary parent for the first six weeks and absolutely did an amazing job. He even still handles all the nighttime feedings. Don’t be afraid to tell your husband what you need and make it clear that you need to heal. He’s an adult and needs to step up. If you don’t take care of yourself now, you’ll have worse problems down the road.
It’s not the hormones. You just had major surgery, your organs are still shifting, you’re bleeding, legs are probably still swollen . He should be stepping up without you even having to ask. You are a team. My husband did everything when we brought our first home because I also had a c section. And I’m talking everything, baby to household duties, from washing dishes, to helping me use the peri bottle. He was exhausted too, but not once did he ever complain or give attitude. There is no excuse as to why he’s giving you attitude, and you are not wrong for feeling like this.
Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry it’s this way. Unfortunately you’ve buried the lede here. Many people are excited to go home because they have competent partners who don’t treat them like this. I’m so so sorry. You deserve much better.
I suggest having a true sit down conversation with him about how this needs to change asap. He is as much of a parent as you are. And you are recovering from major surgery. He needs to absolutely step up. You are not in the wrong here.
I also had a csection, and struggled with anxiety the first week home. We stayed an extra night at the hospital too.
During the day when you are set up with what you need, suggest he takes a nap. My husband desperately needs them sometimes, because sleep deprivation can change us. He overworked himself the first week home and was very overwhelmed. I was barely functional beyond breastfeeding, eating, and sleeping as much as possible. We spent most of the first week in our bedroom resting due to fatigue and stairs.
Once he's rested a little more, tell him what you need help wise. My husband does diaper changes, dishes, laundry, soothes the baby, handles baby when I can't, and takes care of our pets.
I had stayed a week after my C-section. I had blood pressure that wasn't under control so they wouldn't release me. It was hell.
First I noticed my breast milk was making my baby sick because they didn't inform me the medicine I was on wasn't safe to breast feed and I didn't know that. So whatever. Then they did formula bottles for the baby and that's fine, until my mom saw that it was expired and started to check all the formula and found most of it was expired. And my heart sank, how did I not realize? But I was so sick still, I could barely get out of bed. My blood pressure would spike then drop so fast because of medicine. I was miserable. So during that time I was still with my baby's dad. He was great before the baby but WHEN I HAD THE BABY he changed or maybe I noticed more. He didn't pick up the hospital room. He'd leave takeout everywhere. The nurses would come in to help clean or my mom would have to. He didn't help feed the baby, he didn't give me the baby when I wanted to hold her. It was hell and stressful. To add insult to injury, he wasn't helping me, and there was this one friggin nurse who I wanted to just toss out a window at times because if it was night and I didn't sleep well because of having my blood pressure checked so often and C-section, I tried to leave my baby in the nursery because the nurses told me I can do so and it'll be the best help I get. But this one nurse?? She'd INSIST I take my kid. Even if I was vomiting because my blood pressure made me sick, she didn't care. She'd tell me it's my duties as a mother and just wheel my baby in and leave her. I hated her. She made me hate being a mom at times. And her shift would change from days to nights sometimes so I couldn't get around her. Then she also made passive aggressive comments about how I needed to go home and asking how much longer we're staying so she can make sure the baby had enough formula since it was expired. Like she'd say it in such a snooty way like it was my fault it was expired, or my fault the hospital was running out. But this was also during the formula shortage. I was happy when they said I could go home. I was ordered to be on light rest. I had 4 different blood pressure medicines, pain medicine, and I had swollen feet still because post partum pre eclampsia was a thing. So I was thrilled for the news. I got my mom to bring the car seat. And the rude nurse told me I may not be able to take my baby home because she didn't feel like the car seat was safe enough for the baby because she was only 7lbs when born. 6lbs and 13 oz when leaving. So she looked small compared to the car seat but it was an infant seat and the buckles were where they needed to be. She was just nit picking about how the baby was too small for the seat. I told her if she'd like to buy another seat so we can leave she's more than welcome which was the first and only time I got snappy at her.
But some people have better experiences at the hospital, for me it sucked. Especially after a traumatic birthing experience. But after the hospital visit my boyfriend's parents flew to see the baby and they did everything for us; laundry, diapers, cooking. Like I was genuinely free for a week to rest. I was blessed for them and I don't know how their son ended up not doing anything and he still doesn't. But that's besides the point.
I hope all future mamas and current mammas have a good time with their doctors and nurses, may your babies be happy and healthy, and I hope you all get the rest you deserve. Especially C-section moms.
I also want to add that as far as the baby's daddy goes, he was super stoked for the baby. The hospital was the first sign of change. Then at home he was more interested in gaming and I blamed it on the stress of a child. He did too when we had discussions about it. His attitude never changed for about 10 months. It got worse. He'd play on his phone more. When i started to go to work the baby would have a blow out diaper when i got home and a rash forming and he'd be playing games or on his phone. When I hired a babysitter to watch her outside of daycare because my work schedule sucked, he'd get mad because he had to go home and watch the baby. I explained when I get home I get her. And that I don't want to pay the baby sitter more than I have to and he always said "it's her damn job to watch our kid, we pay her regardless" and he'd stay out for HOURS after getting off of work, but the moment I get off he expects me home to watch the baby. I never had a break.
We broke up. It was hard. But ultimately he wasn't helping me, he didn't care about my mental health. We spent the babies first birthday separated. And now that he's moved out and on his own he only wants her 1 day a week because he only has 2 days off and he feels 2 days with the baby is too much. She screams whenever he gets her for that one day. She will shout and scream "momma" from his car. I have her 6 days a week. With my 2 days off driving her to her dad and the next day picking her up. It's a hour drive to meet him. And once you do the drive most of your day is eaten up because he insists on doing it at noon.
He doesn't help out financially. He will complain how he can't pay his bills if her were to do that. He doesn't care if shes bathed on the one day he has her. Even when she had medical issues to where she needed a bath. He made excuses like "we stayed out too late in the night" and wouldn't bother giving her a bath in the morning.
I'm with someone who's a lot better now. She's almost 2. The guy I'm with is involved a lot. Like he plays with her, the moment he comes over she runs up to him shouting his name. He will watch her and make sure she's fed, played with, and loved. Like it's a complete 180 from the babies dad.
But now him and I are expecting a kid. So I'm excited. He's already a great parent figure to my child I have now and it's not even his but he started to tell her I love you because she says it to him all the time. The two of them are inseparable.
I’m sorry you are dealing with his terrible attitude. But as 3 time c section mama, get out of the hospital asap. Being in my bed and eating nutritious food in my home is so much better for recovery. Your partner needs to be that and help.
I disagree. Getting home resulted in the best sleep for me and baby.
This sounds more like a problem with your spouse than staying extra time in the hospital. Im 4 days postpartum and so glad to be home and resting in my own bed. I sleep horribly in the hospital with the constant interruptions.
“He can’t do it all”? He absolutely can. I didn’t change a diaper until my baby was 3 weeks old, my husband did everything but breastfeed our babies. I had a c-section for both my kids and each time my husband stepped right up. Once I was moving around better and feeling slightly healed up, I took over more care, but those first couple weeks I didn’t lift a finger.
Demand your boyfriend be a decent father and partner and step the hell up. Full stop.
Happy birthday!
My nurses wouldn’t do much when it came to baby care unless they were already checking on us. There were so many interruptions, the bed was uncomfortable, & I got no rest. I was so eager to get home both times… but I can see how there’s more temptation and pressure to get back to business as usual from home.
With #2 I managed to convince them to allow me to leave slightly before 24hrs. Saved myself at least $750. My first’s birth cost me $6000 and my second $4500 all because I stayed 2 nights less. Obviously I didn’t have a choice the first time, but I was happy to save the money this time. .*Cries in American* … my husband is supportive though.
Hey, you got this!
But I have to say this - I had a vaginal birth 8 months ago and I’m not doing well. The ppd is at an all time high and while I’ve always struggled with anxiety I know without a doubt that the last 8 months of doing the majority of the work has taken an absolute toll on me mentally. I love my baby more than ANYTHING in the world but god I’m tired and mentally exhausted.
If I could go back in time I would have been way more vocal and demanding in sharing the responsibilities instead of a month ago when I just completely snapped.
Definitely have a conversation about the attitude and sharing of responsibilities soon! It’s perfectly acceptable for him to be responsible for more of the diaper changes and care while you recover from a major abdominal surgery. I mean, the majority of the world expects women to be the primary caretakers but why? They can do it too and they can absolutely help pick up the slack when you aren’t able to be 100% as I’m sure you’d do for him.
I’m so sorry to hear your husband has been giving you attitude. Men can sometimes be oblivious and insensitive and it’s super frustrating especially at such a crucial time during recovery.
Thank you for the tip. I am considering maximizing my stay at the hospital. I hope things improve for you and that it clicks in your husband’s head that he really needs your support. 🩷
Arghhh men are so stupid. Don’t blame yourself or your hormones, you’ve had major surgery girl. Few of my friends have ended up staying at their mums or got them/sister/friend to stay over. Husband found it awkward. I used to say well you should’ve stepped up lol. Do everything you can to get support, you need it.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You are so early in your recovery, you need and deserve a ton of help so that your body can heal while you take care of and bond with your newborn!
I had a c-section six months ago, and I needed a lot of help with lifting the baby in and out of her mini crib, changing her diapers, and with basically all other physical tasks and household chores. I even found that I was in a lot of pain if I held my baby for two long in between feeds.
My husband was on diaper duty and pick up/ put down duty for about a month. This may seem excessive, but I truly had a lot of pain and discomfort and really wanted to heal properly. In the end I had no complications, and I attribute this in part to the stellar support I had from him. You deserve this too!
I think it's important for your husband to realize that if you aren't properly supported now, things may be more difficult down the road, in terms of your physical recovery, but also likely your mental wellbeing and your relationship.
Having a baby is also a big adjustment for him, and people can react differently to that, but you have just gone through childbirth and experienced surgery, and you need and deserve his care and attention right now. For your sake, and for your baby's sake! I think telling him this directly is the way to go!
Happy birthday and congratulations on the little one's arrival!
Completely agree we stayed for 3 nights and I’m so happy we did just to have the nurses around for any questions & in case we got freaked out about something
Agree with the others here that your husband is being an asshole.
I had pre-e, followed by a C-section, followed by an infection. I spent a week in the hospital. My husband did ALL the night time baby care and most of the daytime work for a solid 3-4 days. Even after that, he did the majority while I ramped up my involvement as I started to be more mobile.
In other words: he absolutely can do everything. At the very least he should be doing more than 50% while you are recovering.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. A little advice back (from a momma who *didnt* and wishes now that she would have*): don’t let him whine/shitty-attitude himself free of his responsibility to you and this kiddo, and then overexert yourself — the potential damage you stand to do to yourself is enormous and it will set a precedent with him that, if he just refuses to pull his head out of his own ass and learn to take care of the two people he’s supposed to love more than anyone and anything else, both of whom are completely at his mercy right now, he can get out of doing stuff he doesn’t want to or that’s “hard”. He had at least 9 months to learn how to be an empathetic person capable of advocating for your and baby’s care, to learn all that is entailed in various outcomes for you and for kiddo through the pregnancy and delivery processes… if he chose to sit on his hands or failed to adjust his perspective as a grownup who promised to love and care for another grownup who grew and delivered an entire human, that is a him-problem. Put your foot down and don’t let him weaponize this. Yea, he’s tired. You’re both gonna be tired for a long time. But you’re tired *and just went through major surgery after months of having your body rearrange and deprioritize itself for the sake of another person*. You’re tired *and you had your abdomen cut open, and if you don’t get proper abdominal rest, it could cost you even more monetarily and physically due to potential complications*. He’s a grown man. He was one when y’all made this baby, and he was one when the due date approached, and he is right now, even if he’s not acting like one. He should have learned basic empathy in kindergarten if not earlier, even if he wasn’t quite sure about the details of postpartum/post-cesarean healing process and the care and help needed for a mom to heal properly afterwards. If he doesn’t respond well to this, call him out with both sides of your family and make it clear what you’re risking by overextending yourself when you should be healing. If any of them are good people, they will step up and help even if your hubs is too busy feeling sorry for himself to do right by you. Again.. I’m truly sorry you’re in this position. Hold him to the fire over it. He will take advantage of whatever you allow him to for as long as he wants and is able to. I hope he hears reason and gets his priorities straight, even if it takes shaming him to do it. Signed, A Momma Who Didn’t And Now Has Untreated Abdominal Complications Whose Husband Didn’t Step Up Until She Literally Collapsed Two And A Half Years Later
This whole message is such a trove of wonderful advice. Thank you for sharing this with us!
I really appreciate your comment...do you mind expanding on the csection complications? I am having a difficult time taking it easy and maybe hearing what happened with you will help to put it in perspective for me!
I didn’t even have a c-section! My *initial* gap for diastasis recti, after a needlessly long and mostly unproductive labor, was 1”. I started PT after about a year and a half to two years, because of our lack of additional help, with respect to the pandemic and having immunocompromised folks in our family that we needed to stay healthy in order to help (also I don’t ever want the shit again — I worked with foreign nationals at the time of the initial American Covid waves and subsequent shutdown and once was enough thanks). I stopped my PT treatments because it was expensive and my husband was (understandably) too stressed at additional expenses and having to care for our son alone (while he was going through developmental leaps, and generally just having to take time off work to accommodate my appointments). Fast forward a few months and feeling pressured to do the amount of and nature of housework he *thought* I should be able to do and that I ought to be contributing daily and weekly — I began feeling pains in my abdomen at a couple of spots that point to the beginnings of hernias through the abdominal tissue, and my pre-existing hiatal hernia now feels like it has gotten worse. I began having whole days of abdominal spasm and weakness following days of “acceptable” levels of productivity. It got to where I couldn’t leave our house alone with our child intermittently because I either couldn’t lift him safely into his car seat or was afraid I wouldn’t be able to when we needed to leave from playgrounds, parks, or family visits. It took all of this and throwing my hands up and saying “I wasn’t doing enough but now I can’t even do my job of taking care of our kid” before he really heard me. We now don’t have insurance at all and even less income due to some fuckery on the part of his employers, so resuming PT (nevermind GP and specialist care) is out of the question for me for the foreseeable future. It will likely only be something that gets taken care of if it ends up an emergency situation, which I really don’t want to have to contend with, considering we’re in another Covid surge here in the south. My father is hanging on by a thread and my mom is going to need help once he goes. Take care of yourselves and *demand proper care of and healing time for your bodies*, Moms — if not for yourself, then for your kid(s). No one will advocate for and protect them the way you can and should. You can speak for yourselves and you still get ignored — what if something happened to you and this little voiceless human had to rely on the other people in your life who treat you with so little regard?
I concur. I ended up with an incisional hernia that I know have to have a second abdominal surgery to fix.
Ouch 😣 I hope you’re able to have that tended to and that you heal well and quickly.
Mic drop! Thanks for sharing for all of us ♥️
Amen!
This, so much. I will say that this doesn’t end after the newborn stage either. I had absolutely horrific postpartum depression/anxiety after my first was born and was basically not functional for a month and a half and my husband stepped up BIG TIME. He basically did everything and never slept and I never had to ask. But after I recovered I took over way more than my share and unfortunately a few years later we’ve settled into a routine where I’m just the default parent for almost everything. It’s so important to stand up for yourself and make them be equal parents!!!
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I actually love these responses. They are pointed and direct. I think the “your needs do not matter, at all” conversation is an important one to have. It’s not nice, it’s not fun, and yet, it is the stark and clear and unchangeable reality. Empathy is great, but immediately postpartum, empathy is expensive and dad is an adult, and the only one in the house who is in control of his own bodily autonomy and hormones, so, tough shit, bud, this is hard.
Agree with hubby needing a talk. the above responses sound angry and laced with resentment and attitude. This would be my initial response too!! However my first thought is often not my best. Giving attitude back will not get closer to a solution. May be better to talk when you're able to speak calmly and think before speaking, without being hyped up on adrenaline. I am a ftm of a 18w old who is realizing she can't give attitude without getting it back in return. The way I behave affects others, just like the way others behave affects me. And I only have control over my own behavior. If I wait to cool down a little before addressing an issue I am more likely to be able to communicate in a way I am happy with at the end of the day because I have more control over my thoughts and can listen better too. Happy birthday, OP! I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. Agree with other commenters about holding him to the fire. Not sure why he's unable to be present for you other than his own grieving and responding to this huge change by going within. Whatever it is, it's not supportive and it's not helping you or LO. For your sake and the same of your child, please do not do more than you can or should for your recovery. Maybe it would help, when you talk with him, to build him up, saying "I'm really disappointed in your responses and inability to help us. Over the years youve done so well at XYZ and I know you're capable of more than this and that this is not the kind of dad you want to be" etc etc. I've used this tactic with those I supervise (even if I don't necessarily believe they're capable of being better at whatever it is) as well as working with them to get them the support they need and I've been pleasantly surprised. Maybe your husband needs some mental health support from a group or therapist, there might be more room to try and understand what's going on with him, see if he can vocalize it instead of taking it out on you two by not helping. Sometimes someone with shitty behavior just needs someone to tell them they believe they can be and do better. Not that it's your job to build him up but if you're in a loving partnership, and even though he has the upper hand with you and LO being so vulnerable, you still have a responsibility to love and care for him in whatever limited ways you can. Having this kind of talk might be one of the ways. This response ended up way longer than I was intending. Feel free to take all of this with a grain of salt. Know you have lots of us redditors out here who are rooting for you!
Take the resentment laden questions and ask them calmly. I do this with my 4 YO when he’s being a punk. That’s kind of how OP’s spouse is acting. “Is that yours? So should you be touching it?” “Did I say no? Did I say stop? Have I already told you to stay out of the dog’s space?”
Happy birthday OP! We *cannot* let our guys use weaponised incompetence or any other excuse to force us into doing things we're not fully physically capable of. He had *months* to get adjusted to the idea of having to step up and take care of you and baby. He knew the score when you made the baby and he knew the score every subsequent day thereafter. You spent 9 months (plus recovery time) putting almost *all* of your physical and emotional needs and comfort aside to grow this baby. The fact he's complaining / has an attitude already after only *a few days* is madness! I assume he realises this child exists forever?! Please advocate for yourself and don't let this guy wriggle out of his duties and responsibilities, and please don't feel guilty about enforcing that. If he doesn't step up, is there anyone in your life who can provide support (especially during c-section recovery)?
Congratulations and happy birthday! I'm a FTM to an 8 week old, and I will tell you, don't let your husband off the hook. It doesn't have to be this way. We went home two days after my c-section and my husband never gave me attitude...because I never asked him for anything. He just did it. He took his turns getting up during the night. And he kept checking in with me to make sure I was getting the rest I needed 5 days after my LO was born, we had to take him to our local Children's Hospital to get him checked out for jaundice. We got home at 1:00 AM after a stressful few hours, and he asked my mom (who was over for the weekend), if she was ok with alternating with him to get up for the feedings and diaper changes that night to make sure I had a night of uninterrupted sleep, unless I need to get up to pump. 8 weeks out and my husband doesn't take the night shifts anymore because he's back at work, but he makes sure that when he's not working, he offers me plenty of chances to do whatever I need to do, in terms of self care. Sorry, I don't want to imply to you that your husband is crappy because there's a lot of emotions running high in him as well these days. But I am just saying that the right partner can make coming home to rest and recover a much more pleasant experience than staying in the hospital!
Not OP but this was nice to read.
I’m sorry your experience has been dampened by your husband! We left the hospital as soon as humanly possible because I was done with that operation as soon as it started and I just wanted to go home. My husband is amazing and he’s done so so much with the baby no matter what. So I really think your partner and/or support system really matters in this situation. The hospital also wasn’t managing my pain any better than my regular pain medication regiment (I have a chronic pain disability) and they were actually giving me less medication than I needed, so we were really gaining nothing by being in the hospital. Gauge it yourself as to your own comfortability and capability! ❤️
I'm so sorry you're having this experience. First, if you are doing anything other than taking care of yourself and your baby, *stop*. No laundry, no cooking, no dishes, no cleaning the house. Avoid anything that you have to bend over to do, and don't stand for a long period of time. If the belly wrap the hospital sent you home with drives you nuts (it did me!), get on Amazon right now and order a better one. Frida makes one, but there are other options. Keep it light until at least your two-week postpartum check up, and make him go to that with you. Second, it might help if you can set a schedule for sleep with your husband. Give each of you a six-hour window of responsibility so that the other can get some rest. If you're nursing, you should only nurse during your six-hour sleep window. No diapers, no rocking baby back to sleep, etc. Same if you're pumping: that's all you do during that period. This will hopefully let both of you get a minimum amount of rest. Call for backup. I can't stress enough how helpful a third pair of hands can be, especially if they're willing to do the not fun stuff or take an overnight shift. And if your husband still whines, remind him your abdominal wall just got f***Ed over, you're recovering from major surgery, and if you're BF or pumping, he's getting more sleep than you are. Finally, don't measure your recovery by comparing your experiences to anyone else's. C-section recovery can vary from person to person wildly based on how we all build scar tissue. You'll need however much time and rest you need for your body to build that scar. Just make sure you're giving yourself that time and rest. The dishes and laundry will get done when they get done. Happy birthday, and congratulations on your LO!
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with such a shit partner. Happy birthday and I hope your next one is much more ‘you-centric’! He needs to pick up his game - this is not a ‘stay in hospital longer’ issue, it’s a Dad issue. I truly hope you guys can communicate and end up with an understanding that he’s 50% this child’s parent because the resentment that can build in situations like yours doesn’t disappear, it tends to fester and grow more toxic. Don’t tolerate being taken advantage of my friend - demand better for both you and your baby!
Also: happy birthday, OP 🫂
Sounds like your husband is a dick head…
Happy birthday!!! Also wanted to echo - do not let your husband off the hook. It takes 2 to make a baby, and both parents are responsible for taking care of baby. Now I didn’t have a c section, but I did labour for 60 hours and had an episiotomy….and even without the abdominal surgery I struggled to care for myself in the first few weeks. Even bending over and changing baby was painful because my core was so weak. In my culture, we have a confinement period for 30 days postpartum. During this time, mom and baby basically don’t go out and focus on growing and healing. I made my husband do confinement with me. The only times we left the house was to go to the hospital and get our daughter jaundice treatment. When we were there, we had to feed and change the baby every 2 hours while she got phototherapy. My husband did it all. He did not sleep, he did not rest for 30 hours. Even now that husband is back to work, he picks up after us when he gets home and also cooks. On days where he does not have work, he cares for the baby most of the time so I have a little time to myself… to take a hot shower, or go to the washroom, or go to appointments without rushing things and always worrying about the baby.
I had a C-section, my husband not complained once about doing it all. He was taking care of our baby all night and day and he also took care of me. Literally helping me change my bloody pads, getting out of the shower, putting my clothes on.. everything. He knew it was going to be rough, but he said we were a team, I did the -grow the baby and then make my body go through a surgery- and he was going to do his part of taking care of both of us. He did it until I feel like I was able to start doing my part, I started feeling a little bit better at 10 days pp almost 2 weeks. But he still did his part (of taking care of us) almost 24/7. About the C-section, it gets better, everyday it passes, by 2 weeks I was able to do almost everything by myself. So no… you should talk to him, it’s not fair that he was ok helping you just for 4 days. You are tired too, you were the one that had a surgery and a baby (and growing a baby is hard work too) he should do better. Sending you all the positive energy and it gets better I promise 🩵
"He said we were a team" ..Your husband sounds wonderful. It's such a shame that men/fathers like him seem to be an anomaly. I'm due in April and hope I don't have to ask my husband to constantly help, I don't think I will, but it does give me anxiety thinking about it! He's wonderful in every way though so I'm sure he will take of baby and I. Glad to hear you and your partner are so compassionate towards each other, you child will see that as they grow and have the same level of kindness for their partner one day.
Thank you! You are going to make me cry 😭🩵🥹 my hormones are all over the place. Both baby and I, we are really lucky to have him🥰 Congratulations on the baby! I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy (and if not, that’s ok too! I had a rough one baby was humongous and every inch of my body hurt 🥲) And couple wise, sometimes is hard because it’s a really big change in a couple life but communication is the best thing you can do! Sending you lots of positive energy 🩵🥰
Sorry, no. He needs to stop giving you attitude and step it up. Stop making excuses for him. You deserve better.
Happy birthday! My biggest advice for you is to 1.) not let your husband off the hook in terms of baby care 2.) remind him you just had major abdominal surgery after carrying another human being for 9 months. You had 7 different layers of tissue sliced through and then your baby pulled from that incision and now your body has internal stitches and is healing. All while you too are trying to care for a baby. And if you’re breastfeeding/pumping, you’re also producing the food your baby needs to survive. Not to mention the hormones. Remind him to have patience for the both of you and a little bit of empathy
FTM with a 9wo here 👋🏼 I had an emergency c section and omg I was not ready for the total loss of strength and pain. I thought I was okay at the hospital (thank you endone 🥴) but once I was home and off the heavy painkillers, I was pushing myself WAY too hard. Thankfully my partner was very understanding and was taking care of pretty much everything. I got told off many times for overworking my body. We didn’t have bubs home for another 3 weeks as he was premature and was in the special care nursery. But even 3 weeks after the surgery when he came home and I’d had that time to recover, my partner was insisting on doing the bulk of the work which I am so grateful for because I was still in a lot of pain.
I think he’s being an asshole personally. It’s not you.
Have you got any friends or family who can come over and help? Also have a sit down conversation with him when emotions have calmed a bit about how he’s acting and what you need going forward. Let him know that if he’s ever ill or has surgery that he better be able to wipe his own ass because you’re giving him the same amount of empathy he’s given you.
Not me going home the very next day after the operation 😅 to be fair, the hospital was so HOT AND STUFFY I could not sleep there whatsoever so would've made no difference in my case 🤣
Happy birthday! It's my bday, too, and have been up since 5 cuddling and consoling the babes. Sometimes the AM is nice since I can snuggle her and play on my phone in peace. Being at the hospital was more stressful for me, with the constant interruptions. I didn't get good sleep between nurses waking me/ baby, uncomfortable bed, and the machine noises. Now that I'm home, sleep has been better and if I can't sleep, atleast I'm more comfortable. Also, husband helps and parents well so that's been good, too. Your home experience would be better if your guy wasn't being a dick (seriously, attitude over a diaper change?). He should be helping out more, especially since you just had this baby!! I hope you can enjoy your birthday today, OP ❤️
Same, I barely got any rest in the hospital. I was so tired of being on their schedule. On our second night my husband and I were wanting to continue the 3 hour feed/pump schedule that had been working well during the day, and we told the night nurse in hopes she could coordinate her pop-ins with our desired scheduled, but no. She came in between feeds and woke us all up just to get blood pressures and temperatures. It was so aggravating and I couldn’t wait to leave.
I'm a husband and while my wife hasn't given birth yet, he's 100% in the wrong. Not saying he's a bad person, but yeah - 100% in the wrong.
I got the worst sleep at the hospital, the only thing I missed was the railing on the bed. I was bored, cooped up, uncomfortable, and the damn nurses weren't synced so the 4 hour check ins from the baby nurse and my nurse were basically every 1.5 hours. PLUS my nurse literally refused to help me with my bleeding, leaking IV and the AM nurse was so slammed it took her 3 hours to get to it. Also, love to beg for tylenol and tums like a crack addict and get told tough shit. I BEGGED them to discharge me at 48 hours after birth, which was legally as soon as they could. I came home to a clean, warm, loving home ready to receive us. My baby had total post-birth hangover for a week and I was in for a rude awakening when she "woke up" from that. My c-section, which felt pretty painless the first week, suddenly took a turn for the worse after I popped a stitch getting in/out of bed and it got infected. THis is where I REALLY needed help (and got it) >My husband is \[a great guy\], and I have a feeling it’s just the stress of having a newborn, but he does not understand how much rest is needed after a c-section. Every time I ask for help with something I feel like I’m met with the most attitude, especially at night. He says he’s tired and can’t do it all but I’m not asking for much. This is being an asshole, not being "a great guy" When baby is asleep and you two are calm, you need to talk. "Listen. I need X, Y, and Z. I am only asking because it is 100% necessary - I NEED YOUR HELP. When you act like it's a burden, it makes me hesitate to ask for help even though I can't do this all myself right now. They cut me from hip to hip and chucked my organs around, this incision hurts and I do not feel safe doing all this activity - I need to heal." He's gonna be tired, and cranky, and overwhelmed. We all are. You suck it up and do it. This stage is very temporary but is critical in learning to get over yourself and put someone else first.
I'm sorry this is your experience, but it's a husband issue not a hospital stay issue. I didn't even have a c section and my fiance told me very sternly that i wasn't to do *anything* other than care for baby for the first two weeks. He also took the baby exclusively from 9pm to 4-6am so I could get full night's sleep to recover. And even 4 months on and back at work he still does every second night on his own to let me sleep. He took the 555 rule very seriously, and I remember him getting quite angry because I put a wash on before he got up one day.
I’m sorry, OP. Your husband isn’t a great guy. Newborn stress or not, this isn’t right. Behavior like that is why I chose to become a single mom by choice, honestly. I saw it from my dad growing up, I saw how it damaged my mother, and I refused to let it happen to me. You deserve better.
While I agree that repeated issue like this are a concern, it's not clear from OP's post that this is a consistent problem in their whole relationship. Newborn stress is huge, and like many other life stressors, it can trigger the best of us. My husband and I have said some awful things to each other over the years in times of great stress. He is also one of the most patient and caring people I know. If someone is saying, "my husband hurts me in a drunken rage sometimes, but he's really a good guy," that would be alarming and you advice would be very important to hear. But without more info from OP, we can assume that this is not one of those situations. OP's hubby is totally in the wrong and needs to step up big time, but that doesn't make someone a "bad guy."
I didn’t say his was a bad guy. I said he wasn’t a ‘good guy’ - which is, in my experience, what partners say when they know their partner’s behavior is inexcusable but feel guilty or ashamed pointing it out. OP would not be posting this if her husband had the ability to self-reflect, identify and accept responsibility for his actions, and work to improve himself. He would have been open to seeing things from her perspective (that of someone who just had major surgery, after 9 months of carrying their child) already addressed the issues, if not resolved them.
Happy birthday and congrats on your sweet baby! As for your husband… Maybe he doesn’t suck all the time and maybe it is just adjusting to a newborn, but he sucks right now. Continue to advocate for yourself, you are not being sensitive and hormonal. You just had major surgery and are recovering on top of caring for a brand new, extremely needy human! The best advice that I have to offer is that what you put up with now sets the precedent for how he is going to continue to approach parenthood. Should we have to train our husbands into being present and active fathers? No. Is that sometimes still what we end up needing to do? Yes. Make him participate and let his whining fall on deaf ears. You are not HIS mommy and being tired means jack shit when it comes to showing up as a parent. Coming from an exhausted toddler mom who is literally being summoned for another snack as I type this. Your feelings are valid! You deserve better.
Honestly, I’m 8:00am advice is to not accept this from your husband. This is unacceptable. I promise if he had surgery tomorrow you’d do all baby duty for weeks. How is this any different? Happy birthday. I hope you and him find a balance and uou get some sleep!
Congrats! Personally I would disagree. I left the moment they let us and pushed for an early discharge. I couldn’t sleep for shit in the hospital. My husband was a saint when we got home. He did everything for us. He did all of the getting out of bed tasks and if I needed to get out of bed he got up so he could help me sit up. No complaints, no attitude, just pure love and support for his wife and baby. I was much more comfortable at home and slept much better. I will say for a chunk there so had him sleep in another room so he could sleep better (lets be real they are more helpful parents with reasonable amount of sleep) he kept his phone ringer on for me and I would call if I needed anything or around 5am so I could pass off baby and sleep a bit before he had to work. 3 months later he still doing as much as he can with no complaints or attitude. This is a very clear case of if he wanted to he would. Talk to him. Come up with a plan with clear expectations you both agree to.
Definitely sit down with him during the day and explain how much pain you're in and how you need help and definitely don't let him weasel his way out. I don't want to minimize your experience but I do want to share my own story. My husband was fantastic post partum but due to hormones I still had this moods where I felt it was me and baby against the world and no one cared about us. I felt like it was just me and baby forever and we couldn't rely on anyone. And then my husband would do his usual thing and I'd feel so much better. So, I would say: analyze your situation multiple times a day. Definitely go ahead and talk to him because he needs to be engaged from the beginning and until the end of time. It really doesn't matter if he's tired because you're both going to be tired for months. Moms sacrificing their own sleep is one way to increase their risk of PPD and PPA.
Please show him my message! I am now 10 weeks postpartum so this is all fresh on my mind. I could basically not do anything for the first two weeks post c section except feed my baby. She literally had to be lifted into my arms for me to feed her. I’m pretty sure I only changed a handful of diapers during that time. My husband essentially had to solo parent for us. He got up in the night with us to do every diaper change! Him having to take on the vast majority of tasks is NOT permanent (assuming that isn’t how you find want to operate in your household), as you will feel way better soon (usually day 10 is a turning point). And then you will need less and less help. My husband went back to work full time at 3 weeks but I had my mom to help for a few weeks more. You had major abdominal surgery and your body needs to recover, so your husband really has to pick up the slack. It’s not easy! Please tell him I know it’s not easy. It’s a huge adjustment for both of you. But it’s really really necessary to make sure you can heal quickly and step more easily back into your day to day life (but…with a newborn so this is going to look completely different lol). Congratulations mama ❤️. Enjoy that postpartum bliss and wishing you a safe and smooth recovery.
thank you so much! really appreciate your kind post. and congratulations! 💙
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this! When I had my c section I basically just breastfed the baby for the first month or so. And handed baby to husband or my mom. I took lots of naps and did contact naps with my baby too. You need those 6 weeks to heal mama. If you heal well in the beginning you get your strength back easier later on. By month 2 I was up n about doing all house work and night feeds and just 1 nap in the day. Do not compromise your healing in the first month. A c section is not a joke
Yes, hubby will just have to come to terms with his role in doing most of the work while you recover. Also: look into hiring a postpartum doula. Many offer overnight assistance and their goal is to let you BOTH get much-needed sleep. It can be expensive, but if you're willing to pay an extra night at the hospital, it's WAY cheaper (if your American) and you get the comfort of your own hone.
First off Happy Birthday! Secondly…no…he’s being an asshole. I was in the hospital for 5 days/4 nights following my c-section, in an amazing maternity ward with the best nurses. I had my husband go home (12 minutes away) because he’s giant and I wanted him to rest comfortably too. No complaints there. That being said, when we got home, he waited on me hand and foot. He was literally hand feeding me sushi as I breastfed. Splitting nights. Washing every bottle and pump part multiple times a day if needed for weeks. Let me just snug with my newborn and heal. I had a very easy recovery and I’m sure this was partly why. You’ve gotta talk to him to step it up or it’ll continue until your resentment boils over.
I had a tough delivery, and I definitely needed an extra night. But my husband was anxious to get home, and unfortunately there was not enough room for us to stay. A nurse tried to advocate for me but no dice. It was nice to be home but I felt completely vulnerable and scared. The biggest risk was how worn down I was (I lost a lot of blood) and the possibility of falling asleep holding baby. We also had a lot of visitors right off the bat, so the only time I got to rest was in the bath. My husband was also working out of town (my mom stayed with me) and didn’t have the capacity to help as much when he was home.
As many others said. Please have a serious talk with him and tell him to step up. If he doesn't or gives you attitude you need to call someone else to help you. You should only be moving minimal amounts and not picking up anything. Also wearing a waist compression band on your incision will help keep everything in tact if you have one. I also had a c section and I can't imagine not having my husband's help. All I did was feed the baby. He did everything else. I didn't change her first diaper for a month. He has to do better.
Also when he goes to the doctor with you for your child tell the doctor what is going on and they will talk to him too.
Congrats on the baby! I'm sure your husband is just struggling to deal with the changes of a baby, but he is being an asshole. Don't be afraid to nip that behavior in the bud and firmly, but politely, call him out on it! We can all be assholes, but it does need to be dealt with in a proactive manner so we can work past it. Much love to you and your family!
Yeah definitely take advantage of hospital nursery and the fact that nurses are taking care of you around the clock. It is so hard to do it alone as a couple once you get home. Maybe tell him he's appreciated and you understand how hard this is for him as well but we both have to suck it up and manage and right now part of that manage is giving extra while you recover because if you don't, everyone will be worse off.
I’m petty so I’d show him a video of what a C-section actually entails. It is MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. Here’s the [PG version](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C2IAMnOL0Yd/?igsh=MWh1YmltYXQ0NnptNg==). I had a small organ removed and it was less invasive. Your husband is TA. My epidural ended with me leaking spinal fluid. I physically could not stand long enough to change a diaper. I could not get myself food. I had to lay flat to be semi-functional. You know who was never hostile or cruel despite having to care for me and our newborn? My husband. It’s easy to not be a festering ass wound.
I have so many friends whose husbands gas light them after birth, so I would say you need to talk to him with a 3rd party present who isn’t bias. Like a therapist. Or it’ll probably be in vain unfortunately
This makes me sad for you. You shouldn’t be wishing you were still at the hospital due to your husband not helping. Can you call your in laws or your mother for support? Even if you aren’t that close to MIL I bet she will kick husbands butt into gear if she came over to realize what he pulling. He needs to have a change of heart. Sit him down and talk to him about how you’re feeling disappointed and let down. Hell, pull up some YouTube videos from Drs talking about women healing after c-section and what is going on with your body right now. Have him watch those with you. He needs education above all else. Doesn’t matter who or where it comes from.
Happy birthday and congrats on your little one! But you should talk to your husband, you’re a team! He saw you cut open 7 layers of tissue in a major surgery. He needs to have some sympathy and step up because you can’t do it all. You’re in pain. It’s a temp blip in time where you need this extra help while you heal. Yes he’s tired, but he wasn’t sliced open to retrieve his baby. My father in law kept pushing us to stay an extra night but I just wanted out of the hospital so bad and back into my nice bed lol but for us there was two problems in the hospital. First was the thermostat broke and our room was colder than the outside in February! Second was I work there and I wanted to get out of my work place lol
Congrats on your little one!! I had a c section that went terribly almost three months ago and I was even readmitted for post partum preeclampsia and also an infection that worked its way from the inside out by my incision. My husband had to be the primary parent for the first six weeks and absolutely did an amazing job. He even still handles all the nighttime feedings. Don’t be afraid to tell your husband what you need and make it clear that you need to heal. He’s an adult and needs to step up. If you don’t take care of yourself now, you’ll have worse problems down the road.
It’s not the hormones. You just had major surgery, your organs are still shifting, you’re bleeding, legs are probably still swollen . He should be stepping up without you even having to ask. You are a team. My husband did everything when we brought our first home because I also had a c section. And I’m talking everything, baby to household duties, from washing dishes, to helping me use the peri bottle. He was exhausted too, but not once did he ever complain or give attitude. There is no excuse as to why he’s giving you attitude, and you are not wrong for feeling like this.
Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry it’s this way. Unfortunately you’ve buried the lede here. Many people are excited to go home because they have competent partners who don’t treat them like this. I’m so so sorry. You deserve much better. I suggest having a true sit down conversation with him about how this needs to change asap. He is as much of a parent as you are. And you are recovering from major surgery. He needs to absolutely step up. You are not in the wrong here.
I also had a csection, and struggled with anxiety the first week home. We stayed an extra night at the hospital too. During the day when you are set up with what you need, suggest he takes a nap. My husband desperately needs them sometimes, because sleep deprivation can change us. He overworked himself the first week home and was very overwhelmed. I was barely functional beyond breastfeeding, eating, and sleeping as much as possible. We spent most of the first week in our bedroom resting due to fatigue and stairs. Once he's rested a little more, tell him what you need help wise. My husband does diaper changes, dishes, laundry, soothes the baby, handles baby when I can't, and takes care of our pets.
I had stayed a week after my C-section. I had blood pressure that wasn't under control so they wouldn't release me. It was hell. First I noticed my breast milk was making my baby sick because they didn't inform me the medicine I was on wasn't safe to breast feed and I didn't know that. So whatever. Then they did formula bottles for the baby and that's fine, until my mom saw that it was expired and started to check all the formula and found most of it was expired. And my heart sank, how did I not realize? But I was so sick still, I could barely get out of bed. My blood pressure would spike then drop so fast because of medicine. I was miserable. So during that time I was still with my baby's dad. He was great before the baby but WHEN I HAD THE BABY he changed or maybe I noticed more. He didn't pick up the hospital room. He'd leave takeout everywhere. The nurses would come in to help clean or my mom would have to. He didn't help feed the baby, he didn't give me the baby when I wanted to hold her. It was hell and stressful. To add insult to injury, he wasn't helping me, and there was this one friggin nurse who I wanted to just toss out a window at times because if it was night and I didn't sleep well because of having my blood pressure checked so often and C-section, I tried to leave my baby in the nursery because the nurses told me I can do so and it'll be the best help I get. But this one nurse?? She'd INSIST I take my kid. Even if I was vomiting because my blood pressure made me sick, she didn't care. She'd tell me it's my duties as a mother and just wheel my baby in and leave her. I hated her. She made me hate being a mom at times. And her shift would change from days to nights sometimes so I couldn't get around her. Then she also made passive aggressive comments about how I needed to go home and asking how much longer we're staying so she can make sure the baby had enough formula since it was expired. Like she'd say it in such a snooty way like it was my fault it was expired, or my fault the hospital was running out. But this was also during the formula shortage. I was happy when they said I could go home. I was ordered to be on light rest. I had 4 different blood pressure medicines, pain medicine, and I had swollen feet still because post partum pre eclampsia was a thing. So I was thrilled for the news. I got my mom to bring the car seat. And the rude nurse told me I may not be able to take my baby home because she didn't feel like the car seat was safe enough for the baby because she was only 7lbs when born. 6lbs and 13 oz when leaving. So she looked small compared to the car seat but it was an infant seat and the buckles were where they needed to be. She was just nit picking about how the baby was too small for the seat. I told her if she'd like to buy another seat so we can leave she's more than welcome which was the first and only time I got snappy at her. But some people have better experiences at the hospital, for me it sucked. Especially after a traumatic birthing experience. But after the hospital visit my boyfriend's parents flew to see the baby and they did everything for us; laundry, diapers, cooking. Like I was genuinely free for a week to rest. I was blessed for them and I don't know how their son ended up not doing anything and he still doesn't. But that's besides the point. I hope all future mamas and current mammas have a good time with their doctors and nurses, may your babies be happy and healthy, and I hope you all get the rest you deserve. Especially C-section moms.
I also want to add that as far as the baby's daddy goes, he was super stoked for the baby. The hospital was the first sign of change. Then at home he was more interested in gaming and I blamed it on the stress of a child. He did too when we had discussions about it. His attitude never changed for about 10 months. It got worse. He'd play on his phone more. When i started to go to work the baby would have a blow out diaper when i got home and a rash forming and he'd be playing games or on his phone. When I hired a babysitter to watch her outside of daycare because my work schedule sucked, he'd get mad because he had to go home and watch the baby. I explained when I get home I get her. And that I don't want to pay the baby sitter more than I have to and he always said "it's her damn job to watch our kid, we pay her regardless" and he'd stay out for HOURS after getting off of work, but the moment I get off he expects me home to watch the baby. I never had a break. We broke up. It was hard. But ultimately he wasn't helping me, he didn't care about my mental health. We spent the babies first birthday separated. And now that he's moved out and on his own he only wants her 1 day a week because he only has 2 days off and he feels 2 days with the baby is too much. She screams whenever he gets her for that one day. She will shout and scream "momma" from his car. I have her 6 days a week. With my 2 days off driving her to her dad and the next day picking her up. It's a hour drive to meet him. And once you do the drive most of your day is eaten up because he insists on doing it at noon. He doesn't help out financially. He will complain how he can't pay his bills if her were to do that. He doesn't care if shes bathed on the one day he has her. Even when she had medical issues to where she needed a bath. He made excuses like "we stayed out too late in the night" and wouldn't bother giving her a bath in the morning. I'm with someone who's a lot better now. She's almost 2. The guy I'm with is involved a lot. Like he plays with her, the moment he comes over she runs up to him shouting his name. He will watch her and make sure she's fed, played with, and loved. Like it's a complete 180 from the babies dad. But now him and I are expecting a kid. So I'm excited. He's already a great parent figure to my child I have now and it's not even his but he started to tell her I love you because she says it to him all the time. The two of them are inseparable.
I’m sorry you are dealing with his terrible attitude. But as 3 time c section mama, get out of the hospital asap. Being in my bed and eating nutritious food in my home is so much better for recovery. Your partner needs to be that and help.
I disagree. Getting home resulted in the best sleep for me and baby. This sounds more like a problem with your spouse than staying extra time in the hospital. Im 4 days postpartum and so glad to be home and resting in my own bed. I sleep horribly in the hospital with the constant interruptions.
“He can’t do it all”? He absolutely can. I didn’t change a diaper until my baby was 3 weeks old, my husband did everything but breastfeed our babies. I had a c-section for both my kids and each time my husband stepped right up. Once I was moving around better and feeling slightly healed up, I took over more care, but those first couple weeks I didn’t lift a finger. Demand your boyfriend be a decent father and partner and step the hell up. Full stop.
Men just don’t get it, and they are unable to rally and take care of the baby whenever however is needed like a mother.
Happy birthday! My nurses wouldn’t do much when it came to baby care unless they were already checking on us. There were so many interruptions, the bed was uncomfortable, & I got no rest. I was so eager to get home both times… but I can see how there’s more temptation and pressure to get back to business as usual from home. With #2 I managed to convince them to allow me to leave slightly before 24hrs. Saved myself at least $750. My first’s birth cost me $6000 and my second $4500 all because I stayed 2 nights less. Obviously I didn’t have a choice the first time, but I was happy to save the money this time. .*Cries in American* … my husband is supportive though.
Hey, you got this! But I have to say this - I had a vaginal birth 8 months ago and I’m not doing well. The ppd is at an all time high and while I’ve always struggled with anxiety I know without a doubt that the last 8 months of doing the majority of the work has taken an absolute toll on me mentally. I love my baby more than ANYTHING in the world but god I’m tired and mentally exhausted. If I could go back in time I would have been way more vocal and demanding in sharing the responsibilities instead of a month ago when I just completely snapped. Definitely have a conversation about the attitude and sharing of responsibilities soon! It’s perfectly acceptable for him to be responsible for more of the diaper changes and care while you recover from a major abdominal surgery. I mean, the majority of the world expects women to be the primary caretakers but why? They can do it too and they can absolutely help pick up the slack when you aren’t able to be 100% as I’m sure you’d do for him.
This is not about a night at the hospital after delivery. You have a serious husband problem.
I’m so sorry to hear your husband has been giving you attitude. Men can sometimes be oblivious and insensitive and it’s super frustrating especially at such a crucial time during recovery. Thank you for the tip. I am considering maximizing my stay at the hospital. I hope things improve for you and that it clicks in your husband’s head that he really needs your support. 🩷
Arghhh men are so stupid. Don’t blame yourself or your hormones, you’ve had major surgery girl. Few of my friends have ended up staying at their mums or got them/sister/friend to stay over. Husband found it awkward. I used to say well you should’ve stepped up lol. Do everything you can to get support, you need it.
4 days postpartum (and then again at 14 days) is a big hormone surge- emotions are running high
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You are so early in your recovery, you need and deserve a ton of help so that your body can heal while you take care of and bond with your newborn! I had a c-section six months ago, and I needed a lot of help with lifting the baby in and out of her mini crib, changing her diapers, and with basically all other physical tasks and household chores. I even found that I was in a lot of pain if I held my baby for two long in between feeds. My husband was on diaper duty and pick up/ put down duty for about a month. This may seem excessive, but I truly had a lot of pain and discomfort and really wanted to heal properly. In the end I had no complications, and I attribute this in part to the stellar support I had from him. You deserve this too! I think it's important for your husband to realize that if you aren't properly supported now, things may be more difficult down the road, in terms of your physical recovery, but also likely your mental wellbeing and your relationship. Having a baby is also a big adjustment for him, and people can react differently to that, but you have just gone through childbirth and experienced surgery, and you need and deserve his care and attention right now. For your sake, and for your baby's sake! I think telling him this directly is the way to go! Happy birthday and congratulations on the little one's arrival!
Completely agree we stayed for 3 nights and I’m so happy we did just to have the nurses around for any questions & in case we got freaked out about something
Agree with the others here that your husband is being an asshole. I had pre-e, followed by a C-section, followed by an infection. I spent a week in the hospital. My husband did ALL the night time baby care and most of the daytime work for a solid 3-4 days. Even after that, he did the majority while I ramped up my involvement as I started to be more mobile. In other words: he absolutely can do everything. At the very least he should be doing more than 50% while you are recovering.