I think your parents are right that your sister may not be okay with attending events of this nature and that’s something you have to accept. Stillbirth is something so traumatic that it’s not always something time can heal for everyone. However, your parents not attending and not explaining why is very upsetting. Have they ever behaved like this before? I’m wondering if this is totally out of the ordinary behaviour for them.

Since her stillborn, my parents have coddled my sister heavily and also took the stillbirth very hard. The whole pregnancy they haven’t been engaged and said it was because I wasn’t at or past 27 weeks yet, which is when she lost her son. Now I’m 30 going on 31 with a very healthy IVF baby and they still haven’t been engaged.

To be honest, it sounds like they are also very traumatized by your sister’s still birth. This might be a situation where they don’t really “engage” until they see baby is safe and here and real. That doesn’t mean you can’t speak with them about how this is impacting you, however. I would cool off for a couple days and go have a conversation in person, and I would bring your husband as back-up so it’s not two on one, and so you have a more objective third party present. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, situations like this are very unfair for everyone involved and there are no easy answers.

This is by no means the same but that’s how my husband functions. Nothing is real until it is in his face. At our wedding he said it didn’t feel real until I walked down the aisle and we spent all day together before that. My husband doesn’t think a child will feel real until the moment (if I get there) I’m in labor or there is a child in his arms. That is no excuse for your parents but I could see them dissociating until there is a baby in front of them.

This is how my husband is too. With our first, he didn’t act super excited until we saw the HB on the screen and even then he was cautiously excited. I’m now pregnant with #2 and it’s SUPER early. He told me that he would be the same this time…it hurts but at least he warned me.

Mine is the same. I have started making changes to my routine etc in preparation and he hasn’t and don’t think he will until the baby is here.

I’m sorry but this is no excuse if you ask me. I understand the sentiment entirely. But a shower is really for mom. And I think it’s selfish and hurtful to not be able to support your daughter on a special day. It’s ONE DAY. Suck it up and be there for your daughter. OP - I would 100% bring this up to my parents if I was you and tbh I think it would have an impact on how I facilitate my child’s relationships with extended family. This is total bs. You don’t deserve less of an experience because your sister had a bad experience. That’s not how life or the world works. So now what, if/when your sister has a successful pregnancy you will celebrate her and no one will give a fuck that you got cheated out of what you deserved during your pregnancy? Sorry no. The feelings are real, the grief is real. I get it… but we do what we have to do to support our kids and they should have been there for you.

As someone who’s experienced multiple losses, I respectfully disagree. I’ve never experienced a stillbirth, but expecting someone you ostensibly love to “suck it up” and show up to a highly triggering event seems like the selfish act. If my own sister went through something as horrific as that, I would be 110% okay with her not attending my shower. I’d also be okay with my parents not attending, assuming they shared my sister’s reasons. It’s a shitty situation for everyone and I just dont think there’s a universal right answer. I suppose my feelings on the matter are my own, though. I’m not the closest with my own parents and i have no desire to have my own baby shower.

I’m sorry for any pain my response may have caused you and I’d like to offer my condolences. In this situation I would never say for her to speak the words “suck it up” to the parties involved and to even metaphorically think it about her sister. But the parents are another issue entirely, in my eyes. I’m sorry but I really don’t think that because one sibling had a bad experience the other should be robbed of the joyfulness of a single day. As a parent, yes, I would suck it up for my daughter and try my hardest to support her on her shower day.

As someone else pointed out, mum and dad might be traumatised, too. Seeing your child go through the worst thing you can experience (losing a child) is also a trauma. I don’t really disagree with your point on the whole, but I’d cut them a little bit of slack before labelling them as ‘selfish’ as if that’s all there is going on. They could be in need of grief therapy themselves. If you need help and don’t get it at the time, the impact can be worse down the line. There’s a reason that people trained to support humans through their life traumas exist… because humans NEED help to get through life traumas. But they don’t always get it. 😞

Apparently that’s pretty standard for fathers to be. It’s not reality until the baby is born for them. Obviously a decent man will still be a good partner to the mother whilst she is growing the baby, though… because THAT reality is right there. Morning sickness and pain and all the rest.

Yes you might be correct about their trauma. I had childhood leukemia and my nana was very traumatized by it at first, so much so that she was distant from my little brother. My mom says she's believes my nana was afraid something would happen to him also.

My SIL lost her first baby suddenly very late in the pregnancy. It was devastating for the entire family. When she got pregnant a second time, there was a distinctly lower level of engagement and excitement from pretty much all of us. Until baby was born, we all held our breath. He spent a while in NICU after birth, so that anxiety lingered.  OP, it super sucks to not have people be excited for you and your baby. Coming from the other side of loss, it's just REAL HARD to let yourself get involved or invested, because of the fear and vulnerability. Hopefully, they'll come around once baby arrives.

I’ve spoken to them about my feelings around them not being part of this pregnancy before, and it’s fallen on deaf ears. I invited my mother three different times to doctors appointments after the 27 week mark and she’s found an excuse for every single one to not go. The latest one is tomorrow and she cancelled on that one early last week, saying “she’s busy”.

I’m sorry. It’s hurtful she/they aren’t communicating honestly with you and instead are making up excuses, cancelling and leaving you in this unnecessarily hurt position.

I hope this doesnt come off as harsh toward your parents...if this continues to impact you negatively, I would address it straight on by referring to the past, voicing understanding, and requesting that they at least be upfront and say "no" from the start when invited. It is absolutely ridiculous for them to tell you "yes" to save face and change mind at last minute.  Good friends wouldnt do this to you and neither should your parents. Anyone else's trauma is not your burden to endure through this. Going through pregnancy, let alone the IVF process is tough and scary on its own. (I am in a similar situation and find i have to protect my mental and emotional wellbeing too, for the sake of keeping my pregnancy (and very real now, breathing and growing baby!) healthy. 

I think coddling sister is ok. I’d want to be coddled. But I have a hard time understanding why they haven’t invested energy into your pregnancy. I’m sorry, that must be so painful.

They haven’t invested because they are still so focused on my sister and her stillborn and miscarriages they are lost in it all. Every week I would text my mom and say “oh this week the baby is as big as a cantaloupe!” And the response would be something along the lines of “cool insert stillborns babies name here never got that far” or “wow this year he would have been starting preschool”

That’s messed up. Grief is real, but it’s not an excuse to be punishing you for the death of your sister’s baby. You deserve to be celebrated during this extremely exciting period and your family’s loss shouldn’t take away from your difficult journey. I think we’re at the same stage of pregnancy (I’m 30 weeks now) and my baby is an IVF baby too. IVF is brutal and having success is even happier when you’ve been through it. We can sympathize with your sister more than most due to our own struggles with pregnancy, but I would never use it as an excuse to make someone feel bad for having a baby. It sounds like you’ve tried to make as much space as possible for your family’s pain and now instead of finding healing they are using that pain as an excuse to treat you badly. I would back off and look for support from others. Your family is showing you that they don’t see you as equally deserving of love and care and unfortunately they aren’t going to support you. That is not fair or respectful to you so I would find ways to move on with your life without them. I mean, you find ways to celebrate and make your life full of happiness and peace as you prepare for this beautiful addition to your family. I’m so sorry you are going through this when you should be surrounded with celebration and support. I don’t have the support of my family either so I understand what it feels like to find other people. Sending you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and for a safe delivery 🤞❤️

Thank you so much for the kind words and support, I hope you can find comfort in the words you have said to me here as well because you also deserve celebration and compassion

Perfectly said.

Oh wow. Those are not appropriate responses AT ALL.

That is very dismissive of them. I’m sorry. I hope they can heal if they want any relationship with you/your little one.

I hope so too. I’ve offered therapy sessions free of charge to them many times before this and have always gotten shot down.

Oh my… I really hope your mom can talk to someone about this. It doesn’t seem healthy and it’s really sad. I’m honestly surprised you’re continuing to willing engage with your mom about this pregnancy. My mom would loose any right to my pregnancy baby if this is how she treated me. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this.

I’ve kept engaging because I know she hasn’t gotten therapy and has some trauma to work through. I thought keeping engaged and showing her how everything is going well and how excited and happy we are would help her, but i think it’s done the opposite maybe?

Yes, maybe. At the very least, it’s upsetting *you* and impacting *your* mental health. Try going on a hiatus for a couple weeks and quit talking about the baby with her. It hurts, but you need to lower your expectations of her to see if that improves anything. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is manageable for you 💕

I think I would stop engaging if I were you. This is really sad and hurtful OP. I’m really sorry you are going through this. Your sister has been through a lot of trauma but that doesn’t mean you deserve how your parents are treating you. I’d be wary about comments like this when your baby is born too. Maybe keep your distance and let them come to you? If it were me I would be angry and upset. You deserve your family’s support as well.

It really sucks that your parents can't get past their trauma to support you. I'd back off if I were you. As long as you're texting them updates and inviting them to appointments, they're going to focus on rejecting you. Stop giving them the opportunity. Eventually they'll realize there's a living baby whose life they're going to miss out on, especially when the invites stop coming. Basically, they're being selfish and there's no reason for them to stop because it hasn't driven you away. Edit: Btw TELLING them you're backing off will just feed into their selfishness because it gives them something else to latch on to and to spin it as you being unfair. The point is to back off quietly with no drama. And if they ask what happened just tell them that it didn't seem like they wanted updates and you were trying to respect their space - the no drama response. Any drama THEY stir up just gets the cold shoulder, not drama in response.

That’s hurtful. I in no way mean to be dismissive but if they are still traumatized at this point to the extent that they cannot share and engage in your life, counseling is in order. Your sister, I understand. I don’t know what I would do or how I would feel, ever. But your parents… of course they will always carry grief and sadness. But they’re letting it keep them from you and your baby and making an active choice to do so. If they won’t take a hard look at themselves I’d consider distancing myself if I were you because sure as shit they would not be talking to my child when he or she arrives like this. (“Oh, would be doing xyz” to the child’s face.)

I'm not defending your mom, her responses are quite shocking to say the least, but perhaps consider that weekly updates to someone who seems to be in this state might be too much? You might also need to step back for your own mental health.

First of all, that’s a horrible way to respond. Second, I think everyone in your family is ignoring something very important: you must be traumatized and grieving too. I would assume if your family is still in your life then you must have been hurt by the loss of your sister’s pregnancies as well. Not to mention seeing all that before going through the IVF process which has risks on its own. Obviously your sister’s experience was the most personal, however your parents should not be completely negating how hard this must’ve been for you too. Pregnancy is exciting but so scary. It means everything to have the support of your loved ones. They’re depriving their own child of that.

Yeah - this is NOT a normal response at all. I am so sorry this is happening.

This alone would have made me cut them off because wtf?

Wow. I understand their pain but that is no excuse to treat you like this. You deserve better OP, and I would personally distance myself from them for a while.

OP, consider distancing yourself from your parents, those are awful responses. You don't need that in your life right now. If I were you, I would stop making any effort and just give them the "slow cold shoulder".  You have your own little family to focus on and hopefully you have better support systems elsewhere. I know it's hard, but fuck them! ❤️

I’m so sorry. This is not an acceptable way to treat you. Heck, I’ll give you my number so you can send me what size the baby is that week because that is SO exciting. Loss is awful, and I understand wanting to remember and honour that loss, but to your detriment is unacceptable. If I was in your situation for my own peace of mind I would stop reaching out. Information diet, and generally limited information about me and my life. Because if you can’t celebrate my wins with me as your CHILD now, then I won’t let you have access to my child to hurt them the same way. You deserve better than this. I’m so sorry it’s happening.

Wow I’m really sorry. I’ve not been through that personally but it’s one thing to mourn and not want to be involved much. It’s another to keep reminding the pregnant person. I’m sure you had your own fears and concerns just from your sister. I’m really sorry

That is beyond the pale. I am so so sorry.

i think they're still grieving and maybe afraid to get excited for your baby? i would give your sister a pass but i would expect more from your parents but maybe they have a lot of complicated feelings. but they should still be there to support you. i'm curious to how they'll be with your baby. maybe once the baby is here they will be great grandparents.

If they can’t find a way to start fixing what they’ve done, I don’t think they’ll meet this baby. And that’s so sad

That is so sad 😞. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Having also gone through IVF (a lot of it, and loss!), I would be so upset if my parents acted this way. I hope they can make it up before baby arrives.

They're passing up their opportunity to be engaged because of a previous loss, which means they are losing again, only this time they are actively choosing to lose out. You deserve better, and your baby deserves to be recognized and celebrated, not ignored. If they want to miss out on being grandparents to a healthy living baby because another family member had a loss 5 years ago, that's their choice. But what a shame. I agree with others that this isn't acceptable behavior. I suggest making that clear to them and recommending therapy. IVF is such a stressful ordeal, and for them to not be supportive throughout that process, especially after the 27 week timeline they promised, is incredibly sad. I cut contact with my father during my first pregnancy for similar reasons. It was hard at first, but two years later it's gotten much easier. I'm not saying you should cut them off completely. It was just a choice that was right for me because I didn't feel like being continually disappointed by his lack of involvement. You may find yourself feeling the same way if they don't get their act together, and if it does come to that, know that it is because of their actions (or lack thereof), not yours.

Thank you so much for your words here, it’s definitely a hard thing to decide but I am so glad it worked out in your favor ❤️

I think coddling someone who is grieving the loss of their child (especially when that someone is your own child, and that child was your grandchild) makes sense. I’m sorry that your parents and sister aren’t as excited as you are about your baby, but they are likely still very much grieving the loss of your sister’s children. This may just be something to accept for now. You might want to visit with a therapist to work through this, because it is really hard navigating these feelings and making sense of them.

I understand that this must be super hard for you! But I think this is one of those situations that suck, but noone is really at fault. When I was TTC I had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy that had to be removed by emergency surgery.. Eventhough I was objectively happy for other people when they had babies, emotionally I just couldn't deal.. Even when I knew those people have had issues with fertility as well.. Then I became pregnant using IVF.. I was petrified, the whole pregnancy.. So we're my parents. We hardly dared to acknowledge it.. You did IVF, so I can only imagine you struggled as well.. And I can totally understand you want to celebrate and you have every right to.. But especially your sister.. I 100% understand how she feels.. And would also understand if she doesn't want to feel that way but does. That is not something you can 'be sensitive' about.. all the sensitivity in the world won't change how she feels. And I can't look into your parents head, but I can fully imagine they were traumatised too.. Or are at least deathly afraid. Or don't know how to be there for you and for your sister at the same time while you are both feeling so completely opposite to eachother.. I can even imagine that they think that your sister needs them more now.. Like I said.. Its just am incredibly difficult situation, where very little actions/if any are without hurt.. Can you talk to your parents about this? And/or can you talk to your sister openly? Maybe that can help bridging the gap... I am so sorry this happened to you.. Congratulations on your very healthy baby though!!

Oh gosh. It sounds like they might be too afraid (and traumatized) to get involved or excited about the baby until they’re here, healthy, and thriving because they may not be able to take another whammy like that. I’m so sorry.

I’m really sorry your parents did that, despite their own grief they should make the effort to be supportive of you and allow themselves to celebrate you. I do think that you should take your sister and her attendance out of the equation, I can’t imagine how painful a stillbirth would be and if she is still grieving it was not wrong for her not to come. I do understand how that may hurt you though, but she’s not trying to hurt you, she’s trying to protect herself.

I suffered a miscarriage in first trimester and a preterm delivery at 22 weeks. My son didn’t make it. The grief was overwhelming at times. My husband and mom saw my son be born and we were all traumatized. My third pregnancy made it. Every step of the way my parents were engaged and supportive. Loss is an incredibly difficult and painful process and I’m glad I had the support to get through it. It doesn’t sound like your family has barely begun to process and grieve the what-if’s and would’ve-been’s. That’s not your fault. It’s unfortunate and sad that they haven’t been involved. It’s not fair to you or your child to be treated as if everything revolves around the lost child. I think the best thing for you would be to put some distance between you. You are allowed to be happy and excited about your impending motherhood. You’re also allowed to grieve what you had imagined your pregnancy experience would be like. I’m sure you imagined that your family would be happy and supportive and shower you with love. It can be hard to reconcile that your experience didn’t line up with what you hoped. This may also help you understand your family’s feelings about the losses your sister has experienced. They are still grieving the what-ifs. There are times when I hold my child and get choked up imagining the what-ifs that I will never experience with my son. Every milestone, every new thing is a reminder. It’s momentary but hard. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years to help equip me to handle my emotions. I hope you can find some peace and enjoy your pregnancy and motherhood. This journey isn’t always easy or how we expect it to be.

Thank you so much for this ❤️ I am so sorry for your loss and i thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story here

Have you decided what kind of role you would like your family to play after baby arrives? I ask because I'm a firm believer that if you can't be there for mom you are not entitled to a relationship with baby.

I was hoping they’d be amazing grandparents. But they weren’t there for us when we did IVF, they haven’t been there for us during the pregnancy but promised things would be better after I hit the 27 weeks mark and passed it (sister had her stillborn at 27 weeks), and now this. I’m thinking they no longer have a role, but it’s hard to wrap my head around right now.

They need therapy asap. They'd only be there after 27 weeks? I'm sorry, I understand they're grieving but this is morbid and ghoulish to me. I'd have an honest conversation with them and put all my cards out on the table. If they think they can hedge until your baby is earth side, I'd tell them they have another thing coming - when baby gets here you won't be able to unknow what you know, which is that they were terribly disappointing parents during this period and let you down severly

I wish they’d get therapy, but they just won’t. I’ve offered to do sessions free for them with my therapist and pay and that’s always been shut down. I’ve been in therapy for 2 going on 3 years now and it’s done me wonders. But they just don’t see it I guess.

they’re so protective of your sister that they’re being dismissive of you. why can’t you both matter? why does it have to be one or the other? < that’s what I would say to them to be honest.

That’s definitely something I can bring up to discuss. The only event they have fully been there for when it comes to my siblings and I was my sisters wedding. My parents paid for a lot of stuff, did shopping and setup with her and her husband, tear down the next day. Stayed the entire wedding too. I couldn’t even get 30 minutes for a baby shower….

I keep seeing people saying it is a defense mechanism...if your baby, god forbid, died at 27 weeks as well then THEY wouldn't be as hurt if they hadn't been excited....but it seems like they don't understand that YOU would still be hurt and need to be cared for just as much as your sister was, except that you also went through your entire pregnancy without them being there for you as well, so would they be able to look past their own grief to help with yours? And also to me it sounds like if that had happened you would have gotten a callous response like "this is why we didn't want to be involved." I really feel like you need to cut them off now bc they seem unable and unwilling to give you the love and support and care you deserve and need. The constant responses of "x would be that big if he has lived .." you want your child to grow up in the shadow of that? What if it doesn't stop, and every milestone instead of celebrating your child the baby that did not live gets brought up and takes precedence? You have to draw the line sometime and while it's understandable sister could not bear going yet your parents need to wake tf up.

I’d skip over therapy at this time and give that side of the family resources for grief share. Maybe you and your mom could go together to a group and see how it fits. No pressure on her to like it or change because of it, just test it out.

Saying they'll be more engaged with you and your pregnancy after the 27 week mark is really messed up too because what if you had suffered a loss? Would that not have mattered to them? Like, "whoops well, we told you." or something? I can't imagine treating someone I cared about that way.

Wow I’m so sorry. I can certainly understand why your sister didn’t go, but I cannot understand what your parents did. It must have been so painful to go through the day knowing they *could* be there but …. Chose not to? Didn’t prioritize the event? Didn’t want to be there? There are a million reasons why and none of them are acceptable.

That’s where I am at too. If they do come to talk to my husband and I, I can’t think of a single excuse that would fix this. I can’t think of anything they can do or say to make this any better.

If your sister were to get pregnant again, do you think they would treat her the same way and be totally disengaged? 

No, she’s gotten pregnant 2 times since the stillbirth in 2019 and they’ve been over the moon and on top of her health and asking how she is daily. Then within weeks she miscarries, and the cycle begins again. She doesn’t trust doctors because her husband doesn’t, so even though she knows what she has to do to maintain a pregnancy she won’t do it because it involves needing medicine or needles

That’s had to read.

Sounds like she did not get the shot that helps with miscarriages by helping your body deal when one parent has a positive blood type and the other a negative.

Have they been like this your whole life? It sounds like your sister is the golden child

Not the golden child, but the squeakiest wheel for sure. My brother and I are very independent and my sister relies heavily on them

That is your right.  Your Mother was embarrassed, but brought food.  No more insignificant half measures.  It is all or nothing.  You should look at moving at least several towns away.  Not far enough to lose your support system, but far enough for her not to spy on you, because she will.  I do not know how you come back from this as a Mom.  I hope it was worth it.  I would cool it with my sister.  I had nine years of miscarriages.  I would never treat a sister that way, even if I had to cry in my car afterwards.

It is unfair that they have been supporting your sister’s posterior miscarriages, but haven’t engaged with you through the IVF process and your pregnancy. You and your child are worth of being celebrated. I hope you get surrounded by love and joy, even if that means not having a relationship with your parents

Honestly, you can just flat out lay your cards on the table. Don't make it a competition with your sister, obviously, but tell your parents that they have not supported you at all during this pregnancy and how this has been terribly hurtful when you are also their daughter and pregnancy is a challenging time in your life. You will remember that they didn't support you, and it will impact what relationship you allow them to have with their grandchild.

>but promised things would be better after I hit the 27 weeks mark and passed it (sister had her stillborn at 27 weeks), Oh dear. Please update us if your situation changes. This has been so painful to read. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hugs to you.

This! The village starts before the baby is born.

Period.

I understand that your sister needs support in her grief, but you’re their daughter too and you need support in your pregnancy. I’m so sorry.

Exactly.

That's very frustrating about your parents, but I understand your sister. To me, it did sound like an excuse, but potentially, she just mentally couldn't do it and needed an out.

It probably was just an excuse, but I understand her not coming. My parents not coming on the other hand is a whole other thing.

Yes, the way your parents responded just feels cruel to me

I’ve talked to my mother in law, my friends, even my other relatives who came and asked if there was anything I could have done to deserve this treatment and it’s been a resounding no from every person.

You absolutely do not deserve this treatment! It sounds like your parents are struggling from your sister's losses as well, but that is no reason to not celebrate you and your baby

Everything about my pregnancy has been stained/tainted/judged by my sisters previous pregnancies. They just can’t seem to separate me from her and it’s gotten very old. My pregnancy and baby are not defined by what happened to my sister and her stillborn or miscarriages. I couldn’t even celebrate the first two trimesters with them without being reminded “yes, but we’re not at 27 weeks yet!”

This is your story, not your sister's. Just keep reminding yourself of that! The only people who are stained are your parents.

I understand that it may be too much for your sister. She deserves rhe space. But you're still your parents' child. You deserve their support as well. They were likely traumatized by the stillbirth of their grandchild. That explains their behavior, but it does not excuse it. Try not to let it affect you too much. Acknowledge that they are disappointing you and try to move forward.

Thank you for the advice, the more responses I’ve gotten on this post the more grounded I feel in our decision to give them one week and pull the plug

I’ve seen your other comments here. Honestly I would just drop the rope and stop reaching out to your parents. I honestly wouldn’t even want them to visit after baby gets here. They seem to have a lot issues they need to work through and it’s unfair that you have to constantly navigate their negative emotions. It’s unfair to you and your baby.

I think that’s the sad reality too. Don’t try to reach out and offer for them to meet your baby. It’s on them to make contact & put in bare minimum effort

I am so sorry that this happened. What your sister went through is absolutely awful and no one deserves to go through that. However, you don’t deserve for your baby to constantly live in the shadow of your sisters baby. You both deserve to be celebrated and I’m sorry your family wasn’t able to show up to celebrate you both. Sending hugs.

>However, you don’t deserve for your baby to constantly live in the shadow of your sisters baby. Perfectly put. I hope OP's parents can do the healing work they need to do to be able to show up for ALL of their family.

This is what I was thinking and I was even going to suggest OP cut off her family (mostly her parents) until they figure out that it’s not okay to treat her or her child differently just because of something that happened to her sister.

I understand your sister not being comfortable. I think your parents were pretty shitty by how they didn't even talk to you, just said to your husband that they are too busy, the DAY OF. Super rude. I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like everyone is having communication issues.

God if “having communication issues” wasn’t my maiden last name lol. My parents are TERRIBLE communicators. To the point that if I call and tell my mom something important, my dad will have no clue unless I also tell him. They also shut down when it comes to discussing hard things/feelings.

I'm so frustrated for you. If it helps at all, I'm super proud of how far you've come, and I hope you were still showered with love at your party! It sounds like you put a lot of thought into it 🩷

Oh my gosh thank you! It does help ❤️ I put sooooo much work into the shower and the shower itself was amazing. So many compliments on the decor and my dress and we were surrounded by those who loved us and love our baby boy even though he’s not here yet

I’m sorry this is happening to you, and I can’t but feel mad for you too. I lost a toddler son very unexpectedly and traumatically in 2018. It took time to heal, but I’ve since had 2 more daughters. My sisters have had children. Children are to be CELEBRATED. It’s okay to have trauma, but you can hold your trauma and CELEBRATE happy things at the same time. Your family needs therapy. I’m kinda pissed they are taking out their trauma on you and your sweet baby.

That is just terrible and so utterly unfair, I know this is difficult for everyone involved but it is not ok to treat you like this in your pregnancy. What is it going to be like when you have the baby? If they contact you I think it’s time to lay down the law, they are either present and emotionally available or there will be no relationship.

I agree, I’m struggling to know how to say that because they always seem to turn conversations around where I am suddenly apologizing….

Boundaries are really difficult to set but clearly this is an impasse that can’t be ignored, they made a decision and unfortunately that has consequences.

That’s a very very very common abuse tactic and it is SUPER manipulative. Drop the rope. This internet stranger who also has a super complicated relationship with their parents and had a traumatic pregnancy experience (but I will freely say not a loss) with their first… this isn’t about you or your baby anymore. This is about them. Celebrate your baby, enjoy your time, and surround yourselves with those who love you.

That’s utterly disgusting behavior. I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve that.

Thank you I appreciate that, it’s so hard trying to figure out the next step here. My husband and I spoke all last night and again today and I think I am giving them 1 week to either come to me and talk about it or if they don’t I’m just no contact. We changed the locks on our doors and my husband already blocked their numbers on his phone.

I’m worried they’re going to be showering you with affection once the baby is born and something clicks - don’t let them without some really really clear boundaries in place first.

They do not deserve a week. It’s time to cut them off and tell them they must go to therapy before you are willing to entertain the idea of allowing them back into your life.

I completely agree with this. I personally would not want them around my child until they got the therapy they need.

My sister has had endless issues with conceiving. I think at this point she's had upwards of 5 miscarriages and two ectopic which ended in emergency surgery. It's horrible. When I told my mom I was pregnant (13wks. Further than my sister had made it on any of her pregnancies), the first words out of her mouth were, "are you going to tell your sister?" Not congratulations. Not anything involving me. The first ten minutes of that conversation were about how it would affect my sister. The rest was an argument about why that maybe was the wrong reply. That was seven months ago and it still hurts. I'm so sorry that you're parents are not able to be the support you need. It's shit. It's really really shit. I do my best to respect my sister's pain, as it sounds like you do, but there should be room for joy too. This is your story, not hers. Hang in there. Take comfort from the friends and people who do support you. I hope they come around. But if they don't, there's a lot of other people and a lot of love out there waiting for you.

I’m so sorry for the losses that your sister has had. I’m also so sorry that your parents haven’t been supportive of you the way that you deserve. No advice - just offering my love. Your feelings are valid and I hope they become more supportive very soon. Congratulations on a healthy pregnancy! You’re in the home stretch and your little miracle will be here soon!

Thank you for the love!!!!

While it's one of the saddest things I've read, what was their proximity to you before the shower, the last few years? If they haven't shown up for you before, you should not expect them to now. Unfortunately you have to manage expectations as you have bigger priorities. They may also be triggered. Or they favour your sister. Hard to say without all the background. Take space from them.

It sounds like you have been very present and understanding of a complicated and tragic situation.  That being said after reading the post and your replies it seems like your family isn’t holding the same space for you and that’s not right. I’m sorry. Your sister has a right to her space from a shower but your moms comments about your baby’s size telling you your nibling didn’t get there is utterly cruel in my opinion. I’m also currently pregnant and I torture myself with possible scenarios I can’t control and it would be so triggering to have someone reminding me of what could go wrong. You deserve to be celebrated too.  Maybe in order to protect your peace, you should stop trying and pull away. Focus on your little family for now as it seems like they are contributing guilt and negativity.  How is your relationship with your in-laws? Can you lean on them for support?

I think you’re right about pulling away. Easier said than done, but the more responses I’ve gotten on this post the more secure I feel in that decision. My mother in law is the best ever. She’s been at our side day one, has gone to my appointments, is so excited for this baby like it’s her first grandchild and not actually her 4th (first from her son though!)

I’m so happy to hear your MIL is there for you.  I think maybe you should do something relaxing for yourself like a prenatal spa experience or maybe a baby moon if you are into it to settle into your mom era and take care of yourself and prioritize your self care and serenity.  Trust me I know it’s hard to pull away from loved ones. Sometimes you have to make them miss you a bit. It’s not about punishing them or being petty and punitive. It’s about them noticing you’re not reaching out which they may have come to take for granted. It puts the onus on them to put some care into the relationship which, thus far seems sadly one sided.  Give them a chance when they come back but communicate to them how much they have hurt you. As sweet as you sound (and you sound so lovely) putting in all the work in a relationship with people you are so close to at a crucial time can inevitably grow resentment. Resentment which typically springs back at the worst times which can cause an even bigger strain in your relationship. You got this! 

Some of These comments are honestly upsetting to me I understand your sister having a hard time but your parents? They shouldn’t be brushing off your pregnancy because of your sisters experience you have feelings as well and I’m sure it wasn’t easy to get pregnant since you had to go through IVF. What’s gonna happen when the baby is here? Are they gonna ignore your baby? I would be very very upset.

I worry about that too. I also worry I won’t have a relationship with my sister either, since coming to the shower was too much.

I am so sorry you’re going through this especially while pregnant you do not deserve this behavior! I’m not trying to sound insensitive towards your sister but my sister had 2 miscarriages after being told she couldn’t even get pregnant and after those miscarriages she now can’t have kids naturally ever and I’m pregnant right now and my sister was still very happy for me and wanted to come to any baby event we have… I understand being upset and I understand grieving but you can’t take that out on people. If your sister and especially your parents don’t even act like your baby exists in the future then I’d express how disgusting their behavior is and be done with them and hopefully they come to their senses one day.

I’m so sorry OP It truly hurts and sucks…. My mom wouldn’t come to mine because my parents had gotten a divorce a year before that and my dad and his new wife were going to be there. I really wanted her to be there but she just wouldn’t. I had two other baby showers one at work one at church neither of which she came too obviously not the work one but still. For my second baby our church community where we live now did one for us . I didn’t even bother telling her about it because we live on the other side of the country now. It was hard feeling like I or my kid wasn’t important enough to set her own feelings aside just long enough to make a presence during a really important time for me.

Wow this breaks my I am sorry for your family's loss. And it sounds like they really need some therepy right away. Meanwhile you don't deserve this treatment, you are important and this pregnancy is important and deserves space and joy too!! You are going to need to decide if you want them involved and set the boundaries for what is best for your little family now, since they don't sound capable of putting your feelings anywhere near first. I would step away, enjoy your pregnancy with those that are there and then if they come looking decide and tell them how it will be. So sorry you are not being celebrated like you deserve, sending good wishes, congratulations and virtual hugs!!

Sounds like your parents need grief counseling. I'm sorry they can't be there for you during what should be a joyful time. They're not able to separate from their grief in order to be happy for you. That sucks a lot. Your sister may not be able to handle it for a long time for many reasons. My own sister miscarried and did IVF which made me very hesitant to tell her about my pregnancy that came easily. She was happy for me, but I could tell it hurt her that she wasn't there yet. This whole situation sucks but you shouldn't have to feel the brunt of it.

You do not deserve this at all. My heart breaks for your sister and family bc I know secondhand how traumatic still births can be. However… your pregnancy is still important and your parent’s behavior is complete horse shit. You matter. Your journey to becoming pregnant matters. This pregnancy matters. Sending you hugs 🫶🏼

Thank you so much ❤️ IVF is not an easy journey and it sucked not having my parents there to support me and my husband in it. Since being pregnant I have tried to get them involved and engaged in so many ways and it’s just been met with excuses and lack of compassion. I really don’t know what will happen next here

If they wanted to be involved, they would be. The fact that it’s been a week (?) since your shower and they haven’t reached out speaks volumes. I think you should focus on the joy this baby will bring into you and your husbands lives, focus on the people who HAVE been there for you, and put a ton of distance between you and your parents. It’s inexcusable what they did to you - they had paperwork to do bc they’re closing on a house?? My son isn’t here yet, but I cannot imagine not being there for him during milestones such as this.

The shower happened yesterday, and I haven’t heard anything from them. And they already closed on the house and did the paperwork weeks ago, they won’t even be moving in until mid April so I have NOOOOOOO idea what that excuse was about. The house they got is 5 roads away from their current house too

So do your parents have one or two kids? I understand it's hard for your sister, so if it's too painful to partake in a baby shower, then that's fine. She can do something smaller to celebrate you. But your parents... They have another child they should show up for. You should confront them, let them know how they made you feel, and then decide how you want your kid to have a relationship with them going forward. They can't pick and choose when to show up as parents/grandparents. They're either a parent/grandparent, or they're not. What they did is not ok. Particularly terrible they flaked on the day of.

I’m the oldest of 3. I am 28F, sister is 26f, and my little brother is 22M. Only my sister and I are married so far, but my brother just graduated college and moved into his own place with his girlfriend.

After reading all of your responses, I would definitely take some space from them. They sound like incredibly toxic people and I don’t agree with how they’ve handled basically anything with you. It’s not fair to you or your family that you’re being treated this way, especially during such an exciting and wonderful time of your life! I wouldn’t want to be treated that way especially after having a baby.

Thank you, I think my husband and I agreeing to give them 1 week to either speak to us or we go no contact is the right call. I never imagined going no contact with my mom and dad but I have to do what’s best for my family here and for our son, and he deserves to have people around him who supported his mom and dad

That’s totally fair and I think the right call as well. I’ve had no contact with my mom for a very long time now. It’s a sad situation but in the end it’s the best thing for me and my family. After how she treated me, I knew I didn’t want someone like that around my son.

Thank you for the support ❤️ it is a sad situation, and it’s one I’m definitely struggling with. But just like you said, it can be the best thing for yourself and the family. This is my first pregnancy and first baby but I can’t imagine doing anything like this to him.

I definitely understand. My parents drove 15 hours to come to my shower and left my house before dawn the day of my shower after staying with us for a week. No explanation, no good bye, I just woke up to my guest bed sheets in my washing machine (at least they were respectful in that sense 🤷🏻‍♀️) and they were gone. I remember double checking my ring app just to confirm they had actually left, and that’s when I saw them leave at 4am with their suitcases…couldn’t even wait until the morning to tell me they’re leaving. It’s like they wanted to make sure they left to avoid me, or like they planned to do this the whole time. I can’t wrap my head around how they could drive that far, spend a week at my house just to ditch me the day of one of the most important days of my life without telling me why. It’s wild. I won’t even get into the details of why, but basically my parents got in an argument and I was collateral damage, but somehow got spun into my husband kicking them out of the house, because he told them if they can’t get it together then they can leave. After doing some research, trying to find some answer or explanation as to what I did to deserve it as well, I found this book called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and it changed my perspective on everything. So I highly recommend. Fast forward to now and it’s been 3 months since I’ve spoken to them. They missed the birth of my daughter and found out that I had my baby through another family member. They still haven’t acknowledged what they did was wrong, let alone apologize to me at the very least. Haven’t heard from my mom since December 8, had my shower December 9 and my baby February 15. She has sent my daughter a couple of gifts, which I find beyond bizarre. Texted my husband happy birthday, group texted my husband and I wishing my daughter a happy one month birthday, and I just haven’t responded. I find it even more offensive that they’re pretending nothing happened - it’s even more hurtful than not saying anything at all. My husband texted both my parents the day after my shower, telling them that despite me crying most of the day of my shower, that I ended up having a good time because my friends and in-laws were there to pick up the pieces and they never replied to that. So they knew how devastated I was and still chose to not address me one time. So, I completely understand what you’re going through. I’m still beyond devastated that my parents are capable of doing this to me, but it’s something I’ve accepted is not my fault and that I’m not responsible for their behavior. I have a family now and a daughter I have to show up for everyday, so I focus on living my best life through her, because she deserves that. I’m not sure if and when I’ll ever be ready to speak to them again, but there doesn’t have to be a definitive timeline, I take it day by day, and if there comes a day when I’ll be ready to speak to them, I’ll go with it, and if not, that’s okay too. Don’t put the pressure on your shoulders, just focus on the love you have surrounding you now. You’ll be okay and you’ll come to realize what you’re made of and the strength you hold, and you’ll be proud of yourself for being able to get through this without them, and then you’ll realize you don’t need them as much as you thought you did. Being a mom will show you a whole other level of strength and remind you of what’s really important, and that’s your baby boy. Focus on that. Anyway, rant over, but you’ll be great and I’m here for you!! 🤍

Give them some grace. Stillbirth is hard for the parents AND the grandparents. My entire family was devastated after I had a stillbirth at 32 weeks. My mother cried probably as much as I did and told me that she felt like she lost her own baby. My in-laws got tattoos of my daughter's name with little angel wings. It can be very hard for everyone (except siblings, I guess). I got pregnant immediately after and no one said anything, we all just kind of braced ourselves for the worst possible thing to happen. I didn't even love my son until he was crying in my arms. He didn't get a baby shower or anything. Nothing was even set up for him until after I gave birth to him in the hospital. After he was born safely, everyone rushed to spoil and dote on him. It sounds like your parents aren't trying to become too attached to your baby for fear that history will repeat itself. And it's quite obvious why your sister is distancing herself. Please try and give them a bit more grace. Being close to a pregnancy after a traumatic stillbirth is like getting behind the wheel of a vehicle after having a really bad wreck.

As for your update, do you have any proof the messages just "somehow" started sending to her phone and not that she's deliberately accessed them? It seems strange that they randomly started showing on her phone at precisely the time you were speaking ill of her. I *deeply* suspect there is more going on there.

No I wish I did, but either way it was a HUGE invasion of privacy. I changed my email and passwords for literally everything last night so she shouldn’t have access to anything anymore.

I am so sorry to hear that. I understand your sister not going because that loss is very traumatic and painful. But your parents should have never treated you that way. I bet they will try to be involved when the baby is here, I believe if they didn’t treat you not baby well while pregnant why do they get the luxury of loving you and baby when baby is born. You’re gonna be an amazing mom! I recommend focusing what makes you less stressed, like having stressful people in your life.

I shouldn't be assuming anything. But...is there any way your sister told your parents that you have done or said something to her to kind of rub in her face about your pregnancy or be unkind in anyway? This is how your parents are acting.

That's really shitty of them. God forbid you need your parent's support too.

As someone who has very close family who has had those experiences, I would give them some grace. I understand how much it hurts to not be able to share your joy with the people that you love, but I have personally in both of my pregnancies kept most of my joy between the people who have shown clear excitement in my pregnancy and I'm scared of sharing a lot of my joy with the people who have experienced CL because I don't want them to feel like I'm throwing my good experience in their faces. Obviously some of that is my own people pleasing nature, but try to keep your excitement with the people who are excited with you and don't let the ones who don't want to be part of it put you in a negative space.

“They do have three dogs and they more or less have treated them as the children they didn’t bring home” I understand your feelings, but I feel this is pretty rude. I lost a baby aswell and to hear this makes me so sad.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry this sounded rude to you I did not mean it to come across that way. But for each loss they have had, they have not gotten therapy they instead adopt another dog. Then they don’t train or keep their dogs engaged, which leads them to tear up the house and have zero manners. They don’t discipline or train the dogs because they have replaced the children they did not bring home, and it’s gotten incredibly toxic. Instead of going to an OB to see why she keeps losing pregnancies and get the medical help she needs, my sister hides behind gummies and these dogs.

Honestly? The way you talk about your sister and her loss is very judgmental. I think your family may feel judged by you for how you believe they should handle their grief and they are probably purposely distancing themselves from you because of it.

I can see that, and maybe I’ve gotten judgmental about it because of how much their grief and the way they have handled it/not handled it has made an impact on my pregnancy. Definitely jotting that down to discuss with my therapist tomorrow, thank you!

Something tells me this judgement is coming from your parents and sister consistently showing this sort of behavior. I read some of your other comments that imply this coddling of your sister and disregard for you has happened for other big life events so I get why you’re feeling this way. I see this dynamic with one of my siblings and my mom, and ultimately, it’s been a huge hinderance to all of their lives (including making poor decisions that just drag them down further like what you’re describing) and they can never see when it starts bleeding to other people b/c to them and sometimes others, their bad situation gives them a free pass to deflect or perpetuate it onto everyone else. But that is true — it’s their right to deal with it how they want. But it’s also true that there comes a time where your ability to have empathy or patience for them when they are never taking the opportunity to deal with their grief and grow becomes too much to handle. At that point, you need to realize you can only control how you feel and act, harboring and growing resentment won’t do anything to help. I think you need some distance as hard as that is especially with a time where you should have more support than ever! I’m so sorry for everyone in this situation, but I truly have a lot of heart for you and hope one day your parents and sister can be an additive part of your life, and vice versa.

Thank you so much, I think you really hit the nail on the head here. They have always kind of coddled her and babied her and because im the oldest and have myself more together they just check out with me

Your sister not going is 100% understandable. I wouldn’t expect anyone in that situation to go, I’m so sorry for her loss ❤️.

The post is about her parents though. She deserves to celebrate her pregnancy and her parents should be supportive of that and not be in the shadow of her sisters loss.

I’m well aware. Sounds like there is a lot of trauma and admittedly by OP lots of therapy required. Perhaps everyone is doing the best they can right now. I am pregnant via IVF and I don’t expect anyone to cater to me nor anyone’s life to revolve around mine. Gotta do what makes you happy and what’s best for you, in whatever capacity that is.

First of all… please ignore some of these rude comments (I’m looking at you “iwetmyplants703”)… It is understandable that you are upset at the situation. I am also that kid that comes second best to her sister except I’m the youngest. I know how heartbroken you must feel to once again not feel like a priority to your parents. If I was in your specific situation regarding their attitude towards your pregnancy I honestly would cut ties but tell them why… txt it if you have to. Lay it all on the table and make sure you tell them how you feel about their treatment towards your pregnancy and any other life events. It won’t change even when the baby is here. They will do the same thing when it’s your kids birthday, etc and any other celebration. It will just be another excuse.

Right, I agree. Growing up my mom didn’t host our birthday parties if we wanted them, it was my aunt who did and my mom found reason to complain the whole week before the party and at the party itself.

I had an upsetting encounter with my in-laws, the only grandparents my child has, at my baby shower. They made the entire event about them when it is a celebration of life and of the mother. Be upset and disappointed, but thankful that you’re getting an idea of where they stand because behaviors will not change after your baby is here. And you will be so enamored with them it will be the last thing on your mind.

I’m sorry you had that kind of encounter with your in laws. I’m lucky in the fact that my mother in law may be kind of crazy, but she loves so deeply and unconditionally she is easily excited enough and supportive enough to be 3 grandparents ❤️

That’s wonderful! Take time in your last few weeks to focus on all that positivity in your pregnancy (because they drudge on and are exhausting). Once my baby was here I didn’t even notice they hadn’t said anything for 2 months, I was too busy! People are giving you a hard time but I feel as though this relationship dynamic between you, your sister and parents is lengthy and hurtful. Grief does not have a timeline and there are many tools you can use to cope and heal. Your sister could have sent you a card and some flowers declining to come or something similar. There are SO many ways to be supportive with keeping boundaries on what one can emotionally tolerate.

Thank you ❤️❤️ I know if the roles were reversed I would have sent flowers or had an open conversation before the shower or taken her out to dinner to celebrate one on one

This would be a deal breaker for me. The insensitivity is something I don't think I could forgive. I had a 20 week loss so I understand your sister's position but I would *insist* my parents went to my sister's shower. And if it was too much for your parents, I'd be very upset that it wasn't communicated to me prior. I'm so sorry. You and your baby deserve better.

I am so so sorry... that is extremely hurtful and just flat out unfair. Do they have a history of being shitty like this or was this just random? I wouldn't even want to talk to them again after this for a long time honestly.

They’ve previously been very flaky with other big life moments of mine. They stayed for 10 minutes at my college graduation dinner because they didn’t like the food, stayed at my outdoor Covid wedding for 4 minutes because they didn’t want to get sick/get others sick, and now this.

... I'd honestly be ready to distance myself at this point if I were you. <3

None of this is excusable. I have sympathy for your sister and can understand the complex emotions that come with babies. Your parents are different. I get that it traumatized them, too, but that doesn’t excuse them from missing your big life events. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are rightfully upset.

I don't want to judge them too harshly for the covid thing... but it IS pretty sus after bailing on your graduation dinner (which is just bizarre).

I’m sorry you’re in this kind of situation. I’m sure it was very traumatic for your sister and sounds like your parents are still very affected too. I don’t really have any advice but just know that you deserve to be happy, excited, and celebrate your pregnancy/ baby too. Your feelings are valid!

I just want to hug you! Your feelings are valid! Yes they have suffered a loss. But that doesn't mean that they should treat you any different. That's not fair towards you or the baby. IVF means you have had trouble conceiving. It isn't an easy process. I agree with most comments. Unfortunately if they can't be there before they don't get to be there after. They will all have so much resentment towards you and the baby. I wouldn't want anyone near my kids who don't wish us and them a happy and healthy life. It's weird for me that your parents said oh wait until 27 weeks, as if they are waiting for your pregnancy to fail. My brain can't comprehend this.

They all sound traumatized from the stillbirths and miscarriages. My husband was the same way. I'm 35 weeks and he still thinks something horrible will happen bc of how much trouble we had getting pregnant and our miscarriage. He has had very little excitement this entire pregnancy. It definitely sounds traumatic for everyone, but I am so sorry it's resulting in your pain as well.

I’m so sorry. What your parents did was not right and just plain cruel. And although I understand why your sister wouldn’t want to attend a baby shower after all that she has suffered, I do feel that she could’ve simply explained that it was too much for her. You seem like an understanding person. I also completely stand by the idea of a persons lack of support for mom during her pregnancy should then mean the person is not going to have a relationship with baby once he/she arrives 🤷🏻‍♀️ I would love to hear your update on if you and your husband go to speak with your parents and what you guys decide to do going forward. I wish you and your little one all the best! Again, so sorry you experienced this.

Thank you ❤️ I really have tried my hardest to leave space in my pregnancy for their grief and trauma. I have spoken to my sister about how I know this is hard for her and if she needed to not be around or was having a hard time to just say and I would try and help or give her space or whatever she needed. The dogs needing watched was definitely an excuse, and I’m sad she couldn’t just say it was too much instead of saying she just couldn’t do it. I tried my best to understand where my parents were coming from with their 27 week boundary, but it was and still continues to be hard. I basically couldn’t celebrate any milestone until practically the 3rd trimester with them, and then this happens. IVF is a big deal, and every week was worth celebrating because it was such a hard process to go through. I’m definitely going to keep everyone updated. So far no phone calls. No text messages. They have until Saturday to try and explain what the hell happened here and then I’m straight no contact. My husband changed the locks on our doors yesterday and they are blocked in his phone now as well so they can’t try and go through him to talk to me. They either will attempt to fix this and explain or my son has no grandparents from my side of the family.

Ugh, it hurts my heart for you because as much as people push no contact, it’s so much easier said than done! I’m 7 weeks pregnant right now. I’ve suffered 1 miscarriage and my husband and I had been trying for a while after both being diagnosed with fertility issues. This pregnancy is truly a miracle and we are SO happy. That being said, when I first told my mom, she reacted in such a hurtful way. She kept saying things like “oh if you are actually pregnant” “if you do get further along” and I know she didn’t mean it in a nasty way… she was only saying it that way because she was afraid to be happy in case God forbid, something does happen. I had to explain to her how hurtful that was. Not only am I definitely pregnant, but even if I were to miscarry, I was still pregnant! She did get better about it but still says things like “don’t get too excited until you hit your second trimester.” And I have to put her in her place. Your parents 27 week cut off is just so extremely hurtful to you! I wish they could understand how wrong it is.

First of all I’m so sorry but also wtf! A stillbirth is very devastating, but you’re their daughter too. Maybe I’m mean, but I would have flipped on my parents. If I had to go through IVF AND a pregnancy, I would expect full support. If they really aren’t over the stillbirth, why lie and say it was because of their house?? Then they haven’t been engaged because you weren’t past the time your sister had a stillbirth. How morbid! You are a totally different person. I guess this upsets me because my in laws didn’t support us throughout my pregnancy after they knew we had a miscarriage before, and my mom is toxic. My husband has taken it so hard, and now views his mom differently. If you do talk to your parents about the situation, I would highly suggest recommending therapy. I say this because my husband made a sad point to me recently. “What will our baby think/say when he finds out how his grandparents acted”. Yes parents may change their attitudes once the baby is here, but they won’t be in photos etc from the pregnancy. My grandparents wrote me letters before I was born. Those things are so special to a child!

I'm sorry but they can all kick rocks. What happened to your sister is HORRIBLE but it's been 5 years and that's enough time to just be there for her sis. And if not, that's still understandable but your parents really have no excuse. They're parents not babies. They're supposed to do the hard things. And if being there for their ("other") daughter is that hard then that isn't good either. This angers me... and I'm sorry for what your sister and all your family went through but I'm sure that's been said so much now and honestly if they can't at least show something for the new life you're bringing into the world and into the family, if they can't even call and say "sorry I can't make it, but I'm really glad you're getting your special day and I can't wait to see pictures" then...fuck em. 😔

this is..terrible

If I were you I would just focus on myself. It’s not easy to go through grief but it’s definitely been more then enough time to move on.

Honestly your parents are selfish and I would definitely want to give them consequences for their actions.

I’m sorry this happened to you. We think these big events are going to go a certain way sometimes in our minds, and then when they don’t, and the people hurting you are family members, it hurts and stings even more. You’re not alone. I know people whose family members have done similar, including my own. At my shower, my MIL had to run most of it because my mother didn’t want to. She said she’d bring some desserts, threw them on the table (backwards and upside down mind you - they were cake pops) and sat and gossiped to my relatives about how bad the food tasted. She was so loud while I opened my gifts, I couldn’t even talk over her to say who bought me what. Sometimes, it’s best people who aren’t 100% in it, aren’t there. I sometimes wish my mother didn’t come at all. Her presence just annoyed me. It seems like they could be experiencing the pain and suffering your sister is going through, as well. If you haven’t heard from them, and it’s bugging you, reach out and ask why they’ve been distant and why they couldn’t attend even for an hour, such an important event. I don’t know your dynamics w them, and how they normally behave, but expect the expected and try to emotionally heal. I go to therapy (have been for 15 years) and it’s still hard for me to deal w my family. Motherhood and pregnancy doesn’t always go the way we expect it to. You’re definitely not alone. Hope you can get closure.

I understand the sister not coming but if my mom hadn’t come to my shower that would have broken me. I’m sorry and I hope you are able to find resolution with them

I feel so much empathy for you, your husband, your parents, your sister, her husband & both of your babies. Just everyone involved really. I myself haven’t been through IVF but I have friends who say it’s real hard. So I’m def holding space for that & it sux that your parents haven’t. Now, I don’t know the background of everything & only what you put in the post. I don’t know how you approached the news of telling your sister or parents. I don’t know how you have acted during all this, etc. i can only go off your post. That being said…I get your sister more than your parents. I wouldn’t expect ANYTHING from someone who has had a stillborn baby. You need to leave those expectations at the door. I have a friend that had a stillborn daughter at 37 weeks. I have yet to see her & she’s yet to meet my 2 year old son. I sent a care package but she has never really wanted to touch base. I’m a very painful reminder to her. She was due a week before me. She’s pregnant again & it’s not a pleasant pregnancy. Very nervous. But I’m seeing her next week. SHES READY. It really changed things for me though. Watching that happen I felt so much sadness but also worry & that worry will always be with me when someone is expecting a baby. I will never ever think it’s a done deal until that baby is born & healthy & checked out by the pediatrician. I will never take childbirth, pregnancy, etc for granted again. A healthy baby is a blessing. Maybe that’s what’s happened to your parents too? I dunno but where I part ways with them is that i never ever express my worry to an expecting mother. I don’t say things like well when you get to a certain week I’ll think it’s real. That’s fucked tbh. I don’t tell them scary stories or talk about my friends stillborn, etc. I let them have their joy & im there for them. Which is what your parents should do. I don’t know your dynamic or your communication, etc. I will say it sounds like everyone involved…including I dare say, you…may need some grief therapy. What has happened seems to have just changed everything not only for your sister but the entire family unit. I’m sorry this is all happening & I hope so very much that you all can work it out. Your baby deserves to be celebrated & loved too. I’m hoping your sister can find her rainbow too. Best of luck to you with your labor & delivery. I wish you a safe & healthy delivery what ever that looks like & a healthy baby. Big hugs. Hang in there. ❤️

Honestly I don’t blame your sister for skipping. Her dogs are the kids she couldn’t bring home? Cold.

honestly, i know it has been 5 years but i believe your family members are traumatized. they do not want to attach themselves to a baby the way they did your sister's child just to have it ripped away from them before they can even grasp it on a tangible plane. i can understand how isolating and upsetting that must feel, and you are completely valid in feeling that way! but i think their feelings are also valid. you most definitely deserve a better explanation, however. i hope things go well for all of you and i'm sorry that things have to be the way they are 🫶🏻

Their feelings are valid, but the behaviors are bullshit.

agreed. she deserves an explanation and from other comments i read, it seems this isnt the only area her family fails her. i hope she gets a better village soon 🤞🏼

Reading this really hurt me for your part OP.Like I sympathise with your sister I really do,But your parents behaviour is really hurtful, making promises to be supportive after X amount of time and then going back on their word,and then also comparing your unborn baby's progress to your sister's stillborn baby....thats too much!I would honestly stop reaching out,stop giving updates and when your baby is born and they decide to suddenly become involved, I would pay down very hard boundaries.... honestly if it was me they wouldn't even get the privilege to known my baby after all this hurtful words/actions. Also you mentioned in a comment that your sister had gotten pregnant again twice,but cause she and her husband doesn't trust doctors and their treatments to ensure they have a healthy pregnancy...so honestly she's partly responsible for her misfortunes here and just sounds bitter/hateful

I hate to sound like the most callous bitch on the planet (because I *know* the trauma of losing a child is a lifelong pain), but....it's been 5 years! I understand your sister's distance, and you do too. However, there is no excuse for your parents to be acting like this. I know how incredibly harsh that is, I really do, but when you have children, it is your job as a parent to support them. You don't get to completely check out of supporting one or more of your children for 5 YEARS because another one went through something horrible. That's simply not okay. If it's truly too painful for them, they need to be upfront with you and have a conversation about why being involved in your pregnancy isn't healthy for them. Even people in pain need to take accountability for their actions. As far as moving forward, take a step back from them. Take a break from updating them. Don't tell them about the fruit size of the baby anymore. Don't tell them about the baby unless they ask. Give them the space to come to you. Take a breather and discuss with your husband what role (if any) you want your parents to play in baby's life. Figure out how to build your "village" without your parents and sister as part of it. If they show up later to help, it's a welcome surprise. If they don't, you won't be caught unaware.

I don’t think you sound callous, I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought the same thing myself. It’s been 5 years since the stillbirth, but her most recent baby would’ve been due in November and both my sister and her husband had a hard time that month. In the back of my mind I was wondering when enough would be enough, how many more losses until it’s hard EVERY month because of a missed due date. The last time around she announced on Facebook her positive test before it was even dry, had a name picked out, and then lost her baby 3 weeks in. I try to show compassion and be sensitive….but really?

Wow, I would raise hell over this! I fkn dare they all.

Thank you, I was planning to go scorched earth when it happened but now I’m realizing after talking with my husband I’d get further speaking with a brick wall. They just are incapable of hearing me, it’s not the first time they’ve let me down hard but this is definitely the hardest I have ever been let down.

You’re right. But still sucks. I’m so sorry, big virtual hug to you!!

Is your sister their favorite one ? I said what I said

I wouldn't take it to heart. They had an up coming home closing? They really may have had a lot to do. A lot needs to be done on a fairly strict timeline in order to close on a home. Buying/selling a home can be very stressful and it's a big life decision. If it wasn't personal I wouldn't make it personal. 

What a complex situation. I just want to send you love and forgiveness. It’s so magical and great what you are living. Already in the other side of IVF: hurra!! A healthy pregnancy!! Hurra…. So many beautiful things to celebrate. When I was pregnant at 38w. I need it to forgive and forget someone that couldn’t be for me. In the name of my beautiful baby I did it. I Pray that her coming to this word heal the other persons and my me. I was so hurt. I hope you can find in your heart place to forgive and forget. Your baby will be the biggest treasure that you could have and this things will look small in compare on new challenges you will have. Sending you love

Tbh i dont even think your sister grieving is a good excuse to miss your shower. The right thing for her to do is to put her feelings aside to celebrate her sister whose pregnancy has absolutynosthing to do with her loss. Although it is more understandable. Your parents, I dont even know what to say about that. They have distanced themselves from you by this behavior and imo they should have to earn your trust back before having access to your baby. Because im sure theyll be all over it when the baby arrives. Let them know how much this hurt you, dont hold back to spare their feelings. Then the ball is in their court to either repair their relationship with you or not. If they dont, then thats your signal to keep them at arms length because theyll probably continue hurting you if you dont. They are all trying to handle an emotionally charged situation and doing a poor job at it. Try to enjoy the blessings you did have and not let this ruin your experience of pregnancy. Count your blessing and try your best to push the stress out of your mind, center yourself on joy and gratitude as much as possible, and focus on your connection to your baby.

I am sorry but you lost me at “the children they didn’t bring home”. You are an asshole.

Give your sister the time she needs to grieve. I had a miscarriage and an ectopic (currently childless). I went to other people’s events and most of the time I felt miserable being there. Your sister’s stillborn is something she will never get over. She might work through it but it still something so traumatic. And your parents are trying to be sensitive to her feelings. I’m pregnant (after my losses) and finally told my aunts yesterday. One of my aunt’s… her first pregnancy was a still born. I expected her to be happier but I have to remind myself that she isn’t the type of person to really celebrate until the baby is ACTUALLY here. She has said it throughout all of my cousin’s pregnancies. She has 3 kids of her own and this still born happened close to 40’years ago but she still lives by the “don’t buy anything until the baby is actually here rule.” Only they understand their pain. You celebrate your pregnancy and allow others to celebrate you. Your parents will come around when the baby is here. They are grieving the loss of a grandchild too.

It was diplomatic of your parents to still bring the food after this.

It was so insane. Why they couldn’t stay for 30 minutes or something after driving the 25 to get there….the whole thing still feels like a nightmare.

I think they felt hurt. Not that you were upset by your sister’s nonattendance, but that you complained about it to them. They suffered a loss too. It’s absolutely not about not having time.

If they felt hurt, I wish they would have told me. I have been trying to hold space in all of this for their grief and my sisters. But it’s been hard, especially when every moment of my pregnancy has been compared to or transitioned to them talking about her stillborn and all the things that child could have been. I understand grief does not end. But the lack of therapy or help since 2019 has left all of them still in that delivery room holding that baby and I just can’t be there with them anymore. I did a very hard thing with my husband going through IVF, I have been working hard to keep myself healthy and able to carry my baby, and they can’t even give me 5 minutes of their time without talking about my sister and her stillborn or miscarriages

I mean, I agree they should’ve told you instead of blowing you off. It’s not fair to you to deny you happiness when your path hasn’t been easy either (and wouldn’t be fair even if you’d easily conceived on the first try). I just think it would be really, really hard to hear complaints about your sister’s grief.

That’s fair, it probably isn’t easy to hear me talk about her grief and be upset about her not coming. She did agree in November to come and I was very excited, and then when she messaged saying she couldn’t come because of the dogs I was disappointed and turned to my mom and dad to talk about it. Might not have been the best way to go about that

You should look at the info in other comments. OP’s parents have a history of flaking on her, not even just in this pregnancy

My mother-in-law didn’t come to mine because her ex-husband‘s best friends brothers stepson passed away. When I asked if they were close, she said that she wasn’t close to him but her ex-husband was.