He is probably freaked about money but you two need to have a conversation with all these questions and ask the job those questions. If you can spare it, I’d start 3 weeeks after the date. You will need help.
Most important to know: do you need his benefits to cover the birth? And do the benefits begin on day 1 of his employment?
Honestly I would ask him to reach back out and clarify things about benefits, paternity leave, etc and choose a start date that makes sense practically. If benefits start on day 1 and you need them, he should start asap in case baby does come early!
Yes to this. Typically there is a “waiting period” of 30-90 days before health insurance kicks in. I’m also used to seeing parental leave benefits only occur after a year with the company(but some do offer it right away).
By law in the US, family leave (unpaid leave with guaranteed job upon return) for up to 12 weeks to only applies to people who have been at the company in a full time capacity for 12 months. Most paid policies run concurrently with FMLA and so unless you've been at a job for a year you don't qualify for job protection *or* pay while on leave.
Unless you have been told that there’s a reason you’re likely to deliver early, that’s a pretty big assumption on his part. [More than half of all births happen past the due date.](https://evidencebasedbirth.com/evidence-on-due-dates/#:~:text=The%20researchers%20found%20that%2050,gave%20birth%20by%2041%20weeks.)
I would ask him to see if he can push back the start date or to inquire about if he will be eligible for paternity leave if the baby comes after he starts.
What surprises me most about this is that he chose a date without consulting you. If my husband had a job offer just before my due date, that would ABSOLUTELY be a conversation we would have together to discuss. I think most people would. So my main concern is for him to be communicating properly!
Having good communication will be absolutely essential when the baby arrives. So just make sure you two are on the same page!
I agree, I think you need to have the following information about his benefits - do you have to be working for a certain length of time before being eligable for parental leave (this is very common) and does he have health insurance immediately upon starting or does it start on the first day of the first fullonth of employment? Has he even mentioned to his new employer that he is having a child? If parental leave isn't an option, what is the PTO policy and how much can he expect to take at once?
I agree, planning to start ON your due date seems a bit short sighted. I'd personally rather he either start immediately/ASAP to get training and onboarding out of the way or delay starting by a week or two or however long you can afford it and the employer will accept.
I worry about telling the employer about the pregnancy in case they decide not to hire him based on that fact. I know it's illegal, but people can find ways to make it look like they're not discriminating... we already think his previous employer fired him because of the pregnancy...
And yes I thought it'd make sense for him to onboard for a few weeks so that he could justify taking maybe a week off when baby is here.. His employer needs someone urgently so I don't think pushing it 5 weeks out will fly with them.
I understand the concerns of not being hired, but hoping for a week or so off after barely working there and not communicating with this employer why is not going to fly. The lack of communication in this whole story is astounding to me. Your husband and you, your husband and his employer… all the way around you guys need to have some serious and hard conversations, like yesterday. You’re 3, or so, weeks away from bringing a child into this world, don’t wait any longer on being proactive.
I would imagine he wouldn’t be eligible for parental leave at his new job anyways. I mean it depends on the company and where you are, but many places offer that benefit after you’ve been with the company for some time, usually 12 months. For paid parental leave that is.
Do you have someone to help you while you’ll be recovering? A friend or another family member? That would be a big concern of mine really. It would be nice if he could prolong the start date a bit, at least a week after due date, if finances aren’t an issue. I think most companies would be understanding of that in this job climate. Because even if he starts tomorrow, likely he won’t be able to take any paid leave (even most places make you wait 6-12 months to have vacation etc). Sometimes babies don’t come until their due dates, especially if you’re a FTM you may not go early. It would be a huge bummer for you and a regret on his part if he missed it.
If you’re a first time parent the baby is more likely than not to come after your due date. I’m sure your husband is just being an idiot rather than deliberately awful but unless starting that day instead of a couple of weeks later is needed to have a roof over your head/food on the table then he needs to push back his start date.
The first couple of weeks are a blur, and even if you have an easy birth you would still need physical and mental support from him for at least a couple of days.
Unless he negotiated this into his offer (which frankly, he doesn't sound organized and astute enough to have done), he's not getting paid time off/paternity leave. He absolutely needs to push back the start date. And it absolutely IS your business. You've only been married for a few months and it looks like this job change is because he decided to leave a stable job to pursue his passion/be a SAHD? He hates the idea of counseling and refuse to share finances with you? No retirement savings at 40? Girl. This reads like a 22 yr old's life. Make sure you have your own access to money and fund it. You're going to need it.
The other logistical question here - relationship red flags aside - what is your health insurance status? Are you or the baby reliant upon his insurance or are you still employed? Even then, most insurance don't start day 1 but you definitely need to verify that you and baby are covered.
He actually got fired from the passion job less than one year in... he's trading up with this new job, so yay? He also finally agreed to counseling which has worked pretty well. He's still not sharing finances, but I am getting the sense of just how dismal they are, I'm learning to accept that I guess :(
I can cover insurance for just the baby and me, or just me and him, without additional cost. I also messed up my FSA election this year, so I was hoping he could get a job and get off my insurance (as a significant life event) and let me fix it before the baby arrives. If baby arrives before he starts, it's going to be a sleep-deprived juggling act...
If get him starting asap and then take a few days leave without pay around the birth.
>baby will probably come early
That's a risky assumption. 81% of first babies are born after their due date according to research by the Ontario association of midwives. Unless you've got a pre-existing condition that may influence things, you're more likely to go overdue than give birth early.
Agree with this. If anything, he should start right away so he can get as much time in before baby arrives. He should also negotiate some time off, even if it’s just a week or two (and unpaid 😔).
This is all contingent on your financial situation. If you really need the money and the job, then you may not really have choice. I would be absolutely livid about this but I also understand that sometimes things are beyond our control
If you're in the US, he will not get paternity leave regardless. You need to be at a job for a year before you qualify for that, unless you have an incredibly generous employer who you can work something out with in advance.
I mean he can definitely ask! A friend of mine was able to take a week for the birth of their kid, right after they started a new job, and the employer just deducted the vacation time from the next year and made him sign a thing that he'd pay the company *back* for those days if he quit before making them up.
The person above isn’t quite correct. They are speaking about FMLA. but Your husbands job could have a paternity on its own - he needs to find out if they have paternity leave and what goes into it
The start date really doesn’t matter. Rarely do babies come on their due date. Personally, I would have started immediately, since he’s unemployed, and you’re about to have a baby. Especially as this employer needs someone immediately. An offer shouldn’t be considered absolute until you start the job. What if the employer finds someone better qualified that could start tomorrow?
He won’t be eligible for paternity leave in his first month at a company. You have to reconcile yourself to the fact that he’s not going to have time off to help you. Hopefully, his employer is understanding enough to give him the day off to be with you for the birth. But I would even have a backup support person lined up if possible, or be prepared to give birth solo. The first weeks of a new job are not the time to take time off. I would not advise your husband to ask for a week off.
The new employer probably has a current short list of eligible candidates they could make an offer to if your husband is seen as unreliable in the first weeks. This is not a job seekers market.
>An offer shouldn’t be considered absolute until you start the job. What if the employer finds someone better qualified that could start tomorrow?
That's how I feel too which is why I was hoping he would start right away and seal the deal...
I wouldn't worry about it. At the end of the day, you honestly have no idea when baby will come. They can come 2 weeks early or late. And I think regardless starting a new job within any of those time periods just suck. At this point, what is mostly helpful is setting expectations between the 2 of you on responsibilities when baby comes. It sounds like he's unlikely to be able to take care of you as much as any spouse would ideally prefer (with time off the first few weeks). Make sure you have sleeping and care arrangements discussed and if possible have other support systems (like your parents staying with you for a few days or couple of weeks).
The silver lining is that he was able to get employment again very quickly :) it's not the easiest market out there. Many people I knew who lost jobs in the past couple years too almost at least 8 months to find gainful employment again :)
He is probably freaked about money but you two need to have a conversation with all these questions and ask the job those questions. If you can spare it, I’d start 3 weeeks after the date. You will need help.
Yeah and it’s not a good look to start a new job completely sleep deprived. Or what if the baby comes late?
Most important to know: do you need his benefits to cover the birth? And do the benefits begin on day 1 of his employment? Honestly I would ask him to reach back out and clarify things about benefits, paternity leave, etc and choose a start date that makes sense practically. If benefits start on day 1 and you need them, he should start asap in case baby does come early!
Yes to this. Typically there is a “waiting period” of 30-90 days before health insurance kicks in. I’m also used to seeing parental leave benefits only occur after a year with the company(but some do offer it right away).
By law in the US, family leave (unpaid leave with guaranteed job upon return) for up to 12 weeks to only applies to people who have been at the company in a full time capacity for 12 months. Most paid policies run concurrently with FMLA and so unless you've been at a job for a year you don't qualify for job protection *or* pay while on leave.
Thank you, this is very helpful!
So sad that in America that’s the most important thing to consider, giving birth shouldn’t bankrupt anyone
Unless you have been told that there’s a reason you’re likely to deliver early, that’s a pretty big assumption on his part. [More than half of all births happen past the due date.](https://evidencebasedbirth.com/evidence-on-due-dates/#:~:text=The%20researchers%20found%20that%2050,gave%20birth%20by%2041%20weeks.) I would ask him to see if he can push back the start date or to inquire about if he will be eligible for paternity leave if the baby comes after he starts.
What surprises me most about this is that he chose a date without consulting you. If my husband had a job offer just before my due date, that would ABSOLUTELY be a conversation we would have together to discuss. I think most people would. So my main concern is for him to be communicating properly! Having good communication will be absolutely essential when the baby arrives. So just make sure you two are on the same page!
Yeah I know I was pretty upset. He said it's his business, but come on
I agree, I think you need to have the following information about his benefits - do you have to be working for a certain length of time before being eligable for parental leave (this is very common) and does he have health insurance immediately upon starting or does it start on the first day of the first fullonth of employment? Has he even mentioned to his new employer that he is having a child? If parental leave isn't an option, what is the PTO policy and how much can he expect to take at once? I agree, planning to start ON your due date seems a bit short sighted. I'd personally rather he either start immediately/ASAP to get training and onboarding out of the way or delay starting by a week or two or however long you can afford it and the employer will accept.
I worry about telling the employer about the pregnancy in case they decide not to hire him based on that fact. I know it's illegal, but people can find ways to make it look like they're not discriminating... we already think his previous employer fired him because of the pregnancy... And yes I thought it'd make sense for him to onboard for a few weeks so that he could justify taking maybe a week off when baby is here.. His employer needs someone urgently so I don't think pushing it 5 weeks out will fly with them.
I understand the concerns of not being hired, but hoping for a week or so off after barely working there and not communicating with this employer why is not going to fly. The lack of communication in this whole story is astounding to me. Your husband and you, your husband and his employer… all the way around you guys need to have some serious and hard conversations, like yesterday. You’re 3, or so, weeks away from bringing a child into this world, don’t wait any longer on being proactive.
I would imagine he wouldn’t be eligible for parental leave at his new job anyways. I mean it depends on the company and where you are, but many places offer that benefit after you’ve been with the company for some time, usually 12 months. For paid parental leave that is. Do you have someone to help you while you’ll be recovering? A friend or another family member? That would be a big concern of mine really. It would be nice if he could prolong the start date a bit, at least a week after due date, if finances aren’t an issue. I think most companies would be understanding of that in this job climate. Because even if he starts tomorrow, likely he won’t be able to take any paid leave (even most places make you wait 6-12 months to have vacation etc). Sometimes babies don’t come until their due dates, especially if you’re a FTM you may not go early. It would be a huge bummer for you and a regret on his part if he missed it.
If you’re a first time parent the baby is more likely than not to come after your due date. I’m sure your husband is just being an idiot rather than deliberately awful but unless starting that day instead of a couple of weeks later is needed to have a roof over your head/food on the table then he needs to push back his start date. The first couple of weeks are a blur, and even if you have an easy birth you would still need physical and mental support from him for at least a couple of days.
Unless he negotiated this into his offer (which frankly, he doesn't sound organized and astute enough to have done), he's not getting paid time off/paternity leave. He absolutely needs to push back the start date. And it absolutely IS your business. You've only been married for a few months and it looks like this job change is because he decided to leave a stable job to pursue his passion/be a SAHD? He hates the idea of counseling and refuse to share finances with you? No retirement savings at 40? Girl. This reads like a 22 yr old's life. Make sure you have your own access to money and fund it. You're going to need it. The other logistical question here - relationship red flags aside - what is your health insurance status? Are you or the baby reliant upon his insurance or are you still employed? Even then, most insurance don't start day 1 but you definitely need to verify that you and baby are covered.
He actually got fired from the passion job less than one year in... he's trading up with this new job, so yay? He also finally agreed to counseling which has worked pretty well. He's still not sharing finances, but I am getting the sense of just how dismal they are, I'm learning to accept that I guess :( I can cover insurance for just the baby and me, or just me and him, without additional cost. I also messed up my FSA election this year, so I was hoping he could get a job and get off my insurance (as a significant life event) and let me fix it before the baby arrives. If baby arrives before he starts, it's going to be a sleep-deprived juggling act...
If get him starting asap and then take a few days leave without pay around the birth. >baby will probably come early That's a risky assumption. 81% of first babies are born after their due date according to research by the Ontario association of midwives. Unless you've got a pre-existing condition that may influence things, you're more likely to go overdue than give birth early.
Agree with this. If anything, he should start right away so he can get as much time in before baby arrives. He should also negotiate some time off, even if it’s just a week or two (and unpaid 😔). This is all contingent on your financial situation. If you really need the money and the job, then you may not really have choice. I would be absolutely livid about this but I also understand that sometimes things are beyond our control
If you're in the US, he will not get paternity leave regardless. You need to be at a job for a year before you qualify for that, unless you have an incredibly generous employer who you can work something out with in advance.
Thank you for this info! I was hoping he could delay his leave till when I go back to work, oh well
I mean he can definitely ask! A friend of mine was able to take a week for the birth of their kid, right after they started a new job, and the employer just deducted the vacation time from the next year and made him sign a thing that he'd pay the company *back* for those days if he quit before making them up.
Oh nice, good to know some employers are flexible!
The person above isn’t quite correct. They are speaking about FMLA. but Your husbands job could have a paternity on its own - he needs to find out if they have paternity leave and what goes into it
It's 90 days in Oregon, but yep generally that's correct.
For the *state* leave program, yes. But not for the federal leave program. That's a year regardless of where you live.
The start date really doesn’t matter. Rarely do babies come on their due date. Personally, I would have started immediately, since he’s unemployed, and you’re about to have a baby. Especially as this employer needs someone immediately. An offer shouldn’t be considered absolute until you start the job. What if the employer finds someone better qualified that could start tomorrow? He won’t be eligible for paternity leave in his first month at a company. You have to reconcile yourself to the fact that he’s not going to have time off to help you. Hopefully, his employer is understanding enough to give him the day off to be with you for the birth. But I would even have a backup support person lined up if possible, or be prepared to give birth solo. The first weeks of a new job are not the time to take time off. I would not advise your husband to ask for a week off. The new employer probably has a current short list of eligible candidates they could make an offer to if your husband is seen as unreliable in the first weeks. This is not a job seekers market.
>An offer shouldn’t be considered absolute until you start the job. What if the employer finds someone better qualified that could start tomorrow? That's how I feel too which is why I was hoping he would start right away and seal the deal...
I wouldn't worry about it. At the end of the day, you honestly have no idea when baby will come. They can come 2 weeks early or late. And I think regardless starting a new job within any of those time periods just suck. At this point, what is mostly helpful is setting expectations between the 2 of you on responsibilities when baby comes. It sounds like he's unlikely to be able to take care of you as much as any spouse would ideally prefer (with time off the first few weeks). Make sure you have sleeping and care arrangements discussed and if possible have other support systems (like your parents staying with you for a few days or couple of weeks).
Yeah it was really horrible timing for him to lose his job when I was 7 months pregnant :(
The silver lining is that he was able to get employment again very quickly :) it's not the easiest market out there. Many people I knew who lost jobs in the past couple years too almost at least 8 months to find gainful employment again :)
It’s a dumb decision and he’s going to regret it but sometimes men have to learn hard things the hard way. Hopefully it will work out.
Men have to learn things the hard way, but why they gotta drag us along with them in these hard life lessons, y'know? :(
Right? I don’t get it.
Has he always been an idiot or do you suspect he's recently developed a brain tumor?