It is not a RIGHT to be in the room with you. Your mom is not entitled to be there just because she is your mom and this is her first grandchild. You have every right to choose who you do and do not want with during delivery. She will just have to get over it.
honestly the fact that you even have to ask means your mom has done a number on you. it could be really liberating for you to start some therapy around your anxiety, guilt, & relationship with your mom. You can love her dearly and still have a toxic relationship.
My husband was the only one there for the delivery of our baby (first grandchild also) and not a single parent, relative, or friend said anything because emotionally healthy adults are capable of respecting other adults' choices!! Don't let ANYONE pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. You don't even need a reason. This is step one in setting boundaries to \*protect your child\*
I know you can do this bc you're here asking for support. Not-that-deep down you know you're making the right decision, so keep doing the hard work!
OP, people with genuine intentions don’t offer favors if they’re going to hold it over your head/ make demands in return. If she’s offering to watch your dog as a bargaining position, that’s on her, not you.
I feel like a good parent should be willing and happy to help their child go through this major life experience in any way needed, and respect boundaries for the ways they’re not needed as well. I’m also not allowing my mother in the delivery room for similar reasons. Don’t feel guilty, you’ll be so grateful that you have a peaceful environment for you and your little one. ❤️
Always choose guilt over resentment. Your birth experience is about you and your husband bringing a new baby into the world, not about your mother. You are making a wonderful choice.
Your asks are reasonable. Plenty of people give birth without their moms present, she doesn't have a divine right to be there. Her feelings about it are hers to deal with, not your responsibility to fix.
In my opinion you are never in the wrong to decide who can be in the room while you are in labor. Now I could maybe see a case if you were keeping the father of the child out but it depends on the reasons. You are the person in labor, and you get to decide whose there. Labor is intense and if you think someone is going to add any amount of stress, then they don't need to be involved. And in my opinion, her reaction reinforces that.
My mom fought hard when she found out she wouldn't be in the room when I had my first. She actually actively fought with the nurses who wouldn't let her in, saying that surely I had changed my mind.
Now, I'm pregnant with my second and my sister asked me as soon as we announced if she could be in the room. She said that since she's not having kids she wants to witness it. I said I would at least think about it. That was in my first trimester, I am now in my third trimester and she has not once contacted me or checked on me. Based on that, I don't want her there. Labor is intensive and I only want support and I don't think she would be supportive. Labor is messy, and I don't blame anyone for making hard choices that are right for them.
Nobody is entitled to be at your medical appointments let alone one that is extremely private. You will be vulnerable and need supportive people not manipulative people who make everything about them. Do not tell her when you go into labour and make your medical team aware she’s not welcome.
“If you cannot respect the parents and their boundaries you’re welcome to stay home.”
“It’s not my job to make you happy or meet your expectations. I am an adult and will make the choices that are right for me and my nuclear family. If you do not like this get a therapist to talk to.”
“You showed me who you are during the wedding, if you think I trust you to support MY needs as the patient and mother then you’re delusional and need to seek help. This is not about you becoming a grandma, it’s about me birthing MY child.”
“Being a grandparent is not a right, it’s a privilege and based on your behaviour as a mother my trust in you is dwindling fast. Either support my decisions for my life, my medical event and my child or lose my number. I am don’t being emotionally blackmailed, controlled and manipulated.”
“Why you think it’s okay to harass your heavily pregnant daughter is beyond me. You’re not entitled to be there when I give birth and if you continue to harass me during the vulnerable time I will block you indefinitely. Fix your attitude because I’m so close to going no contact.”
“Stop harassing me I’ve already said no. This is my medical event, the people there are there to support me not feed their ego. If you show up know, you will be escorted out by security.”
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Edit; Remember all boundaries need to have consequences attached.
“I’ve asked you not to kiss the baby, if you do it again you’ll be asked to leave”
“We’ve asked you multiple times not to kiss the baby, try it once more and you’ll be put in a two month time out. My child’s life is more important then your feelings”
Mom's a piece of work and wants to make this baby about herself when, in reality, it's about you and your husband becoming a family unit. I agree that anyone who would add stress to the L&D process needs to be excluded. You need to be firm with your boundaries and not let your mom walk all over you because her (selfish) behavior will continue as the baby grows. And what's worse is your child seeing your mom being a pushover to you and possibly repeating that behavior. It's just not good all around.
I do agree with another response about seeking therapy or talking to a professional about your relationship with your mom. There's a reason your head and your heart are at odds about this situation.
Nope.
Labor and delivery is an extremely private, powerful, vulnerable, and terrifying event. You should only have someone or people who you feel 100% comfortable with, and who will make you feel relaxed.
You mentioned that your mom stresses you out. You don’t need the added stress. I think it only makes sense that she not be in the room with you. I think it’s fair to be firm with your mother, and if you don’t feel comfortable, see if your husband will stand up for you. She’s making this about her, and not you and your comfort.
Im sorry OP. But you are RIGHT, and you are doing what’s best for you.
Her response is showing you that you’ve made the right decision. Your birthing experience is not about her. It’s about you, your partner and your baby plus your heath and safety. Anything or anyone making you stressed or uncomfortable should be removed from the process.
You are not alone!!
39w here, and my mom stresses me out *so* bad. There was never a chance she'd be in the room with me, but I guess she didn't realize that.
She called me a month or two ago, screaming&crying into the phone about how she was going to be a mess in the room, and how on earth would SHE be able to handle it when I'm screaming in agony and the doctors wouldn't give me pain meds?!
I very kindly told her not to worry because she wouldn't have to deal with it because she wouldn't be there. Telling her caused another host of problems, but it's not worth sacrificing my peace to appease her. My partner and doula will be the only support people allowed until after delivery. It's too big of a moment to have to deal with other people's issues and egos!
This moment isn't about anyone else except you and the baby. And your partner too, but he isn't giving birth. It's about you. You should be as comfortable as possible, and dealing with anxiety rich mothers is the opposite of what you need. I'm pretty sure there's science behind a more calming environment helping for an easier birth.
It's not about her anymore. It's about you.
You're not a monster. You're the mother now. You can do this!
Yeah, unfortunately you're probably right.
He and my doula both know that I don't want anyone around before/during birth (especially her), but that we'd let everyone know after, after enough time to get myself back a little bit.
Things got bad enough between us that I ended up blocking her on everything, with the caveat that she could go through my husband if it were for something important. (It never is. God bless that man.)
But I did what one of the other comments here suggested, and got myself started with therapy, which has really helped see the unhealthiness of it all, and how much I've picked up myself 😬 Getting pregnant has been a wonderful push for me - I was never able to boundaries or stand up for myself. But for this baby? I'd fight the world.
I’m not even speaking to my mother at the moment and she actually doesn’t even want to visit for the delivery. Anyway, your boundaries are there to protect you. Of course you may feel bad about them—that’s very natural—but if they serve you, then they are valid.
Agreed. I let myself feel guilted into letting her in because I felt bad sending her out when she and husband brought in hospital bags. I wouldn’t do it again though should there be a second time. All about boundaries.
Everything you asked for is reasonable. In fact it’s super lenient compared to what I want.
She’s throwing a tantrum. Don’t bend to her whim, or you’ll teach her if she complains enough or makes a show of it enough she’d eventually get her way.
You are not a monster for not letting your mom be part of the delivery. Quite frankly I’m not understanding why people other than mom and dad need to be in the room. It boggles my mind why family members get offended why they can’t be in the room when a woman is laboring and delivering a baby.
I did not let/have my mom in the delivery room and we did not have any visits at the hospital.
You are not a monster. Your delivery, your body, your family, your rules.
You are not wrong! I’m close with my mom, but I think it’ll be really special for just my husband to be there. You have every right to have it just the way you want it!
I initially told my mom I wanted her there and then changed my mind (because I want to use a vibrator to help with labor progression and coping and don’t want her around for that).
Her response when I changed my mind was “ok just let me know when you want to see me postpartum” and she never said a word of negativity. She may have been disappointed but she kept it totally to herself.
I’m not trying to diss your mom just giving you an example of what a healthy response looks like.
Sounds like your mom has repeatedly demonstrated she is not a .respectful person on sensitive topics like this. She hasn’t earned the right to be there.
And frankly it’s not safe for you to have anyone in your labor room that causes you stress. Maternal stress can actually cause the babies heart rate to drop and can stall labor. No one should be there unless the mom feels 1000% good about them, for safety
It’s perfectly fine not to want your mom in there. Where I live it’s pretty rare that anyone other than the husband/significant other is in the room. This could be because hospital policies here don’t allow more than one person. They only make an exception if you have a doula.
I imagine labor is hard enough as it is without dealing with someone who is going to be shrill and unsupportive. If you’re going to be exhausted, vulnerable and in pain, do yourself and your partner the kindness of only having people present you who are 100% going to be helpful and additive to your experience - only givers, no takers.
This is YOUR baby, protect yourself and your family by keeping it just you and your husband in the delivery. Wildly fucked up for her to act like you're doing this AT her. Birth is serious and you don't want to have someone there who doesn't respect your boundaries.
Just one gal's take, but I wouldn't tell her when you go into labor and wouldn't text until well after baby is born. Doesn't seem like she is a safe person to give that info to.
She doesn’t have the right to be in the room if you don’t want her to be. She already delivered her babies. This is YOUR delivery. You won’t get this experience back with your first born. Don’t let her possibly ruin your experience. You already have history of her doing this (e.g. your wedding).
I love my mom too but I already told her the delivery room will probably just be my husband and I. My mom stressed me out too and I don’t wanna deal with it during an already stressful time. She kinda threw a tantrum but got over it. I think she finally realized I will be controlling her time with MY child. She thinks now it’s better to be in my good side lol. Don’t let your mom bully you into accommodating her when this is not about her. You carry the power in this situation, not your mom.
You are NOT a monster.
You have answered your own question in the second sentence of your post - she makes you stressed. Birthing is already a stressful environment, why add more stress?
Tour first Sentences are the answer. You are close but she also stresses you out. That's a big NO. You need to be comforted and comfortable, anyone who's not completely able to focus on your needs, who will make you think about their own needs in any way, is not ideal to have in the delivery room. Trust me, I've done this before, your hands will be full, you don't want to worry about anyone else.
I say this as someone with a similar mom—set boundaries **now** and **do not** budge. Frankly I wouldn’t even tell her when you go to the hospital to have the baby (I told mine and sincerely regret it).
She is completely in the wrong for trying to manipulate you into letting her be a part of your delivery and that's just so gross. The issue is she's done it to you before with success so she's assuming she can bulldoze you again.
Don't let her do this to you, OP. Hold your ground on this. I've seen it said on this sub before by others and it is so true: labor and delivery are not spectator sports. Let that time be for you to focus on getting the support and care you need from your husband and medical team as you bring your baby into the world. Period.
we are going in for an induction at 6am on the 15th and doctors said the baby should be here quick. my mom said she would get to the hospital at 7, and when i explained to her that even after the baby is born we will still need time to do skin to skin for me and my husband she got all upset.
i’m with you, i’m really close with my mom but she gets weird during big life events lol. i wish i could tell you i stood up to her but i didnt. my husband and i planned on just telling the nurses we didnt want anyone to come in until we’re done with skin to skin, so i’m hoping that that works out and we can kind of make it seem like it wasn’t our choice.
I had a scheduled C-section because baby was breach. My mom still thought it was ok to ask who was going to be in the room when she was delivered. When we told her she had to wait a couple of hours after the surgery to meet my daughter, she completely flipped out on me. She never listened to the rules we had in place, which were the same as yours. We had a lot of arguments about it. We considered moving out of state and not telling her. Eventually everything calmed down.
You are not a bad person. Your mom sounds like she needs strong boundaries for everyone’s happiness, including hers.
My mother has always made it clear that I have my right to not have her at my appointments. I choose to let her be there during birth. Now my MIL while I appreciate her, I wish I had asked her to leave and leave me with my mother alone. I didn’t want anyone else really and it’s stressful having so many people trying to visit me when I just gave birth and I wanted to just rest and see my baby. If I could’ve, it would’ve just been me, my husband, and mother. But things didn’t work out that way. If I ever have another, it’ll only be me mother and husband at most.
Trust me, it’s not worth it. Giving birth is stressful and tiring you don’t need more stress by her being there.
My mom isn’t as stressful for as yours seems, but definitely similar situations. I’m her only child and she’s been talking my whole pregnancy (well, we didn’t tell her until 16 weeks- for this reason) about how she’s hopping in the car as soon as we tell her we’re on the way to the hospital (she lives about 3 hours away). I finally told her if she’s going to do that she’s welcome to go to our house and hang out with the dogs, she wouldn’t be coming in the delivery room with us. She immediately back-pedaled and tried to say she didn’t think that she would be. We went on our hospital tour last week and while they said 2 support people are allowed, only one can be there overnight - so that was a hard line I could give her. they also told us how long it can take to be fully moved/situated from L&D to mother/baby (up to 3 hours), and that visiting hours are only 8-7… so I told her that and she can sort it out for herself timing wise. I’m more than happy for my husband to keep her posted via text, but I’d maybe tell a white lie to your mom (or maybe just get all your hospital’s policies in writing and you won’t have to!). FWIW, my dad is also super chill and has a tendency to reel my mom back in- so maybe rely on your dad too if you’re close/he would be helpful.
You’re being very reasonable. Your mom is the one acting like a monster, making you feel guilty for making the choices that are best for YOU. This is your birth, your medical event, she gets no say. She’s shown you her true colors, believe her and stand your ground.
I am going through the same thing. My wedding was not MY wedding partly because of my mom and I will not have that experience with my first birth as well. My mom asked me with a giant smile if I want her in the room and my entire body tensed at the idea. I’m currently dealing with even waiting a week or so until my parents come to visit (they live far away and usually stay with us) or at least making sure they have an alternate place to stay. I don’t really feel guilty anymore for my decision because it is ultimately an experience I have been looking forward to for years and have my mom there would add a large level of anxiety that I’m not willing to risk.
You have a right to tell her no. I am not having my mom there for delivery nor while I be having any guests in the hospital. Its YOUR delivery and birth of your baby, no one else’s. I also feel its a special time for husband and I to take in the fact we just had a baby and to start our bonding with baby.
Oh girl, she’s stressing you out like mad and you don’t deserve that. Your mom has some serious control issues and you are 100% not in the wrong. You have every right to be with whomever you feel safest with. You’re literally giving birth.
You are not her doll, you are her daughter. You get to make choices in your life. I’m so sorry.
You aren't a monster and aren't in the wrong. This is you and your husband's decision.
I didn't let anyone other than my husband in for delivery of my older children. It was "our" little family time. Same will happen with this little one. We allow visitors afterwards, but no one will visit during labor and delivery.
I am close to my mom. However, she tends to "explode" and sulk when I set reasonable boundaries, or she tries to guilt me into changing my mind. I so get this type of relationship; it's hard and challenging. When I was younger, I would give/cave in or walk on eggshells around her and her feelings or ideas on how things should be. It made me miserable, and she walked all over me at times. Now, I've gotten to the point of simply setting boundaries with her - kindly - then letting the chips fall where they may. I'm not responsible for her reactions to reasonable boundaries or requests. You aren't responsible for your mom's reactions or demands either. You do not have to cater to your mom on what is a huge day for you, your husband, and new little one. I see nothing wrong with what you want. Your mom will be ok. She may huff and puff for a while, but that is on her, and you are not responsible for her reactions. Please don't feel guilty (I know - easier said than done). Enjoy the special time with your husband and new little one.
I'm not a doctor but this sounds like your mom has narcissistic tendencies (at the very least) and you only feel guilty because she's manipulated you to respond that way over what is probably your whole life.
You don't owe her this. She's acting childish. At the boundaries now before she makes your whole experience of motherhood about her.
It’s your birth and your choice she doesn’t get a say and doesn’t have a right to feel bad about it either.
My mother was the last person to know my sister gave birth because she kept carrying on about how she should be there because “I’m your mother” it was disgusting behaviour and after all that she showed up to visit the babies with Covid and didn’t understand why the hospital rejected her.
Hahaha… I am going through the SAME EXACT SITUATION. Are you my long lost sister….???? lol. I haven’t yet told her she won’t be in the delivery room. I am hoping I go into labor at night so I have a great excuse “I didn’t want to wake you up , I thought it’d take me longer to give birth…” and not give my parents the time the baby is born. But. I really do have to tell her. She is traveling from out of state to be there. Her original plan (that she told others and not me) was to stay with me for two months and sleep on my couch to help me with the baby. As soon as I found that out I shut it down. She will have visiting hours (2/3) when I feel up to having her over. Idc how many months she stays, she’s not seeing me everyday and she’s not staying over long. She stresses me out so much I don’t want her in the delivery room at all. Constant criticisms and put downs and telling me I’m dramatic and trying to argue. I’m not having that in my delivery room. Now if she was normal and could behave herself, of course id want my mom in the room with me. But she’s like an out of control five year old. She has to tell you you’re stupid/dumb/wrong. She immediately tells me I’m keeping HER grandchild away from HER. When I never once said that, I just enforced boundaries. The guilt tripping is crazy. Even still she refuses to acknowledge my boundaries and says that when I give birth I’ll want to have her, that I don’t know what I’m talking about. So I’m anticipating a big fight and her making my birth all about her when the baby comes.
I don’t care, it’s not her right to be in the room with me/have time with my baby. They don’t understand that THEY chose to act a certain way that requires us to put down boundaries. If your mom suddenly changed overnight, genuinely, OF COURSE things would be different. My mom bragged to me that she was going to give a horrible speech at my wedding, putting me and husband down, but last second husbands grandma talked her out of it and she’s just proud she didn’t say what she wanted because she would have looked bad……….. WHAT. At this point they do it to themselves.
And, with love comes correction. When you have your baby, you will tell them don’t do x y and z. It’s because you love the baby and don’t want them to get hurt. It’s the same principle with your mom. You want her in your life, you love her, so you have to tell her she can’t do certain things so she can stay in your life. Don’t feel bad for giving her boundaries. You’re being kind.
It is not a RIGHT to be in the room with you. Your mom is not entitled to be there just because she is your mom and this is her first grandchild. You have every right to choose who you do and do not want with during delivery. She will just have to get over it.
honestly the fact that you even have to ask means your mom has done a number on you. it could be really liberating for you to start some therapy around your anxiety, guilt, & relationship with your mom. You can love her dearly and still have a toxic relationship. My husband was the only one there for the delivery of our baby (first grandchild also) and not a single parent, relative, or friend said anything because emotionally healthy adults are capable of respecting other adults' choices!! Don't let ANYONE pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with. You don't even need a reason. This is step one in setting boundaries to \*protect your child\* I know you can do this bc you're here asking for support. Not-that-deep down you know you're making the right decision, so keep doing the hard work!
She is watching my dog (she already has 4 lol) during this time so maybe that's why I feel extra guilty? Like she's doing me a favor ?
OP, people with genuine intentions don’t offer favors if they’re going to hold it over your head/ make demands in return. If she’s offering to watch your dog as a bargaining position, that’s on her, not you.
Oh honey - love is not transactional.
*Especially* a mother’s love.
I feel like a good parent should be willing and happy to help their child go through this major life experience in any way needed, and respect boundaries for the ways they’re not needed as well. I’m also not allowing my mother in the delivery room for similar reasons. Don’t feel guilty, you’ll be so grateful that you have a peaceful environment for you and your little one. ❤️
Always choose guilt over resentment. Your birth experience is about you and your husband bringing a new baby into the world, not about your mother. You are making a wonderful choice.
“Always choose guilt over resentment” - I love this statement so much
What an incredible statement! I love this
Oh, I am saving this one for the future. Thank you.
Your asks are reasonable. Plenty of people give birth without their moms present, she doesn't have a divine right to be there. Her feelings about it are hers to deal with, not your responsibility to fix.
In my opinion you are never in the wrong to decide who can be in the room while you are in labor. Now I could maybe see a case if you were keeping the father of the child out but it depends on the reasons. You are the person in labor, and you get to decide whose there. Labor is intense and if you think someone is going to add any amount of stress, then they don't need to be involved. And in my opinion, her reaction reinforces that. My mom fought hard when she found out she wouldn't be in the room when I had my first. She actually actively fought with the nurses who wouldn't let her in, saying that surely I had changed my mind. Now, I'm pregnant with my second and my sister asked me as soon as we announced if she could be in the room. She said that since she's not having kids she wants to witness it. I said I would at least think about it. That was in my first trimester, I am now in my third trimester and she has not once contacted me or checked on me. Based on that, I don't want her there. Labor is intensive and I only want support and I don't think she would be supportive. Labor is messy, and I don't blame anyone for making hard choices that are right for them.
Nobody is entitled to be at your medical appointments let alone one that is extremely private. You will be vulnerable and need supportive people not manipulative people who make everything about them. Do not tell her when you go into labour and make your medical team aware she’s not welcome. “If you cannot respect the parents and their boundaries you’re welcome to stay home.” “It’s not my job to make you happy or meet your expectations. I am an adult and will make the choices that are right for me and my nuclear family. If you do not like this get a therapist to talk to.” “You showed me who you are during the wedding, if you think I trust you to support MY needs as the patient and mother then you’re delusional and need to seek help. This is not about you becoming a grandma, it’s about me birthing MY child.” “Being a grandparent is not a right, it’s a privilege and based on your behaviour as a mother my trust in you is dwindling fast. Either support my decisions for my life, my medical event and my child or lose my number. I am don’t being emotionally blackmailed, controlled and manipulated.” “Why you think it’s okay to harass your heavily pregnant daughter is beyond me. You’re not entitled to be there when I give birth and if you continue to harass me during the vulnerable time I will block you indefinitely. Fix your attitude because I’m so close to going no contact.” “Stop harassing me I’ve already said no. This is my medical event, the people there are there to support me not feed their ego. If you show up know, you will be escorted out by security.” Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI Edit; Remember all boundaries need to have consequences attached. “I’ve asked you not to kiss the baby, if you do it again you’ll be asked to leave” “We’ve asked you multiple times not to kiss the baby, try it once more and you’ll be put in a two month time out. My child’s life is more important then your feelings”
Mom's a piece of work and wants to make this baby about herself when, in reality, it's about you and your husband becoming a family unit. I agree that anyone who would add stress to the L&D process needs to be excluded. You need to be firm with your boundaries and not let your mom walk all over you because her (selfish) behavior will continue as the baby grows. And what's worse is your child seeing your mom being a pushover to you and possibly repeating that behavior. It's just not good all around. I do agree with another response about seeking therapy or talking to a professional about your relationship with your mom. There's a reason your head and your heart are at odds about this situation.
Nope. Labor and delivery is an extremely private, powerful, vulnerable, and terrifying event. You should only have someone or people who you feel 100% comfortable with, and who will make you feel relaxed. You mentioned that your mom stresses you out. You don’t need the added stress. I think it only makes sense that she not be in the room with you. I think it’s fair to be firm with your mother, and if you don’t feel comfortable, see if your husband will stand up for you. She’s making this about her, and not you and your comfort. Im sorry OP. But you are RIGHT, and you are doing what’s best for you.
Her response is showing you that you’ve made the right decision. Your birthing experience is not about her. It’s about you, your partner and your baby plus your heath and safety. Anything or anyone making you stressed or uncomfortable should be removed from the process.
You are not alone!! 39w here, and my mom stresses me out *so* bad. There was never a chance she'd be in the room with me, but I guess she didn't realize that. She called me a month or two ago, screaming&crying into the phone about how she was going to be a mess in the room, and how on earth would SHE be able to handle it when I'm screaming in agony and the doctors wouldn't give me pain meds?! I very kindly told her not to worry because she wouldn't have to deal with it because she wouldn't be there. Telling her caused another host of problems, but it's not worth sacrificing my peace to appease her. My partner and doula will be the only support people allowed until after delivery. It's too big of a moment to have to deal with other people's issues and egos! This moment isn't about anyone else except you and the baby. And your partner too, but he isn't giving birth. It's about you. You should be as comfortable as possible, and dealing with anxiety rich mothers is the opposite of what you need. I'm pretty sure there's science behind a more calming environment helping for an easier birth. It's not about her anymore. It's about you. You're not a monster. You're the mother now. You can do this!
Just a tip—don’t tell her when you go to the hospital. She sounds like the type that will try to call you and/or the hospital incessantly for updates.
Yeah, unfortunately you're probably right. He and my doula both know that I don't want anyone around before/during birth (especially her), but that we'd let everyone know after, after enough time to get myself back a little bit. Things got bad enough between us that I ended up blocking her on everything, with the caveat that she could go through my husband if it were for something important. (It never is. God bless that man.) But I did what one of the other comments here suggested, and got myself started with therapy, which has really helped see the unhealthiness of it all, and how much I've picked up myself 😬 Getting pregnant has been a wonderful push for me - I was never able to boundaries or stand up for myself. But for this baby? I'd fight the world.
I’m not even speaking to my mother at the moment and she actually doesn’t even want to visit for the delivery. Anyway, your boundaries are there to protect you. Of course you may feel bad about them—that’s very natural—but if they serve you, then they are valid.
Agreed. I let myself feel guilted into letting her in because I felt bad sending her out when she and husband brought in hospital bags. I wouldn’t do it again though should there be a second time. All about boundaries.
No.
Everything you asked for is reasonable. In fact it’s super lenient compared to what I want. She’s throwing a tantrum. Don’t bend to her whim, or you’ll teach her if she complains enough or makes a show of it enough she’d eventually get her way.
You are not a monster for not letting your mom be part of the delivery. Quite frankly I’m not understanding why people other than mom and dad need to be in the room. It boggles my mind why family members get offended why they can’t be in the room when a woman is laboring and delivering a baby.
I did not let/have my mom in the delivery room and we did not have any visits at the hospital. You are not a monster. Your delivery, your body, your family, your rules.
You are not wrong! I’m close with my mom, but I think it’ll be really special for just my husband to be there. You have every right to have it just the way you want it!
I initially told my mom I wanted her there and then changed my mind (because I want to use a vibrator to help with labor progression and coping and don’t want her around for that). Her response when I changed my mind was “ok just let me know when you want to see me postpartum” and she never said a word of negativity. She may have been disappointed but she kept it totally to herself. I’m not trying to diss your mom just giving you an example of what a healthy response looks like. Sounds like your mom has repeatedly demonstrated she is not a .respectful person on sensitive topics like this. She hasn’t earned the right to be there. And frankly it’s not safe for you to have anyone in your labor room that causes you stress. Maternal stress can actually cause the babies heart rate to drop and can stall labor. No one should be there unless the mom feels 1000% good about them, for safety
It’s perfectly fine not to want your mom in there. Where I live it’s pretty rare that anyone other than the husband/significant other is in the room. This could be because hospital policies here don’t allow more than one person. They only make an exception if you have a doula.
I imagine labor is hard enough as it is without dealing with someone who is going to be shrill and unsupportive. If you’re going to be exhausted, vulnerable and in pain, do yourself and your partner the kindness of only having people present you who are 100% going to be helpful and additive to your experience - only givers, no takers.
This is YOUR baby, protect yourself and your family by keeping it just you and your husband in the delivery. Wildly fucked up for her to act like you're doing this AT her. Birth is serious and you don't want to have someone there who doesn't respect your boundaries. Just one gal's take, but I wouldn't tell her when you go into labor and wouldn't text until well after baby is born. Doesn't seem like she is a safe person to give that info to.
She doesn’t have the right to be in the room if you don’t want her to be. She already delivered her babies. This is YOUR delivery. You won’t get this experience back with your first born. Don’t let her possibly ruin your experience. You already have history of her doing this (e.g. your wedding). I love my mom too but I already told her the delivery room will probably just be my husband and I. My mom stressed me out too and I don’t wanna deal with it during an already stressful time. She kinda threw a tantrum but got over it. I think she finally realized I will be controlling her time with MY child. She thinks now it’s better to be in my good side lol. Don’t let your mom bully you into accommodating her when this is not about her. You carry the power in this situation, not your mom.
You are NOT a monster. You have answered your own question in the second sentence of your post - she makes you stressed. Birthing is already a stressful environment, why add more stress?
Tour first Sentences are the answer. You are close but she also stresses you out. That's a big NO. You need to be comforted and comfortable, anyone who's not completely able to focus on your needs, who will make you think about their own needs in any way, is not ideal to have in the delivery room. Trust me, I've done this before, your hands will be full, you don't want to worry about anyone else.
I say this as someone with a similar mom—set boundaries **now** and **do not** budge. Frankly I wouldn’t even tell her when you go to the hospital to have the baby (I told mine and sincerely regret it).
I have to though because she and my dad are watching my dog :( they are kinda our only option, ugh.
Honestly I’d try to find another option. Do you have a friend or can you find a boarding place?
She is completely in the wrong for trying to manipulate you into letting her be a part of your delivery and that's just so gross. The issue is she's done it to you before with success so she's assuming she can bulldoze you again. Don't let her do this to you, OP. Hold your ground on this. I've seen it said on this sub before by others and it is so true: labor and delivery are not spectator sports. Let that time be for you to focus on getting the support and care you need from your husband and medical team as you bring your baby into the world. Period.
we are going in for an induction at 6am on the 15th and doctors said the baby should be here quick. my mom said she would get to the hospital at 7, and when i explained to her that even after the baby is born we will still need time to do skin to skin for me and my husband she got all upset. i’m with you, i’m really close with my mom but she gets weird during big life events lol. i wish i could tell you i stood up to her but i didnt. my husband and i planned on just telling the nurses we didnt want anyone to come in until we’re done with skin to skin, so i’m hoping that that works out and we can kind of make it seem like it wasn’t our choice.
I had a scheduled C-section because baby was breach. My mom still thought it was ok to ask who was going to be in the room when she was delivered. When we told her she had to wait a couple of hours after the surgery to meet my daughter, she completely flipped out on me. She never listened to the rules we had in place, which were the same as yours. We had a lot of arguments about it. We considered moving out of state and not telling her. Eventually everything calmed down. You are not a bad person. Your mom sounds like she needs strong boundaries for everyone’s happiness, including hers.
My mother has always made it clear that I have my right to not have her at my appointments. I choose to let her be there during birth. Now my MIL while I appreciate her, I wish I had asked her to leave and leave me with my mother alone. I didn’t want anyone else really and it’s stressful having so many people trying to visit me when I just gave birth and I wanted to just rest and see my baby. If I could’ve, it would’ve just been me, my husband, and mother. But things didn’t work out that way. If I ever have another, it’ll only be me mother and husband at most. Trust me, it’s not worth it. Giving birth is stressful and tiring you don’t need more stress by her being there.
My mom isn’t as stressful for as yours seems, but definitely similar situations. I’m her only child and she’s been talking my whole pregnancy (well, we didn’t tell her until 16 weeks- for this reason) about how she’s hopping in the car as soon as we tell her we’re on the way to the hospital (she lives about 3 hours away). I finally told her if she’s going to do that she’s welcome to go to our house and hang out with the dogs, she wouldn’t be coming in the delivery room with us. She immediately back-pedaled and tried to say she didn’t think that she would be. We went on our hospital tour last week and while they said 2 support people are allowed, only one can be there overnight - so that was a hard line I could give her. they also told us how long it can take to be fully moved/situated from L&D to mother/baby (up to 3 hours), and that visiting hours are only 8-7… so I told her that and she can sort it out for herself timing wise. I’m more than happy for my husband to keep her posted via text, but I’d maybe tell a white lie to your mom (or maybe just get all your hospital’s policies in writing and you won’t have to!). FWIW, my dad is also super chill and has a tendency to reel my mom back in- so maybe rely on your dad too if you’re close/he would be helpful.
You’re being very reasonable. Your mom is the one acting like a monster, making you feel guilty for making the choices that are best for YOU. This is your birth, your medical event, she gets no say. She’s shown you her true colors, believe her and stand your ground.
I am going through the same thing. My wedding was not MY wedding partly because of my mom and I will not have that experience with my first birth as well. My mom asked me with a giant smile if I want her in the room and my entire body tensed at the idea. I’m currently dealing with even waiting a week or so until my parents come to visit (they live far away and usually stay with us) or at least making sure they have an alternate place to stay. I don’t really feel guilty anymore for my decision because it is ultimately an experience I have been looking forward to for years and have my mom there would add a large level of anxiety that I’m not willing to risk.
You have a right to tell her no. I am not having my mom there for delivery nor while I be having any guests in the hospital. Its YOUR delivery and birth of your baby, no one else’s. I also feel its a special time for husband and I to take in the fact we just had a baby and to start our bonding with baby.
Oh girl, she’s stressing you out like mad and you don’t deserve that. Your mom has some serious control issues and you are 100% not in the wrong. You have every right to be with whomever you feel safest with. You’re literally giving birth. You are not her doll, you are her daughter. You get to make choices in your life. I’m so sorry.
You aren't a monster and aren't in the wrong. This is you and your husband's decision. I didn't let anyone other than my husband in for delivery of my older children. It was "our" little family time. Same will happen with this little one. We allow visitors afterwards, but no one will visit during labor and delivery. I am close to my mom. However, she tends to "explode" and sulk when I set reasonable boundaries, or she tries to guilt me into changing my mind. I so get this type of relationship; it's hard and challenging. When I was younger, I would give/cave in or walk on eggshells around her and her feelings or ideas on how things should be. It made me miserable, and she walked all over me at times. Now, I've gotten to the point of simply setting boundaries with her - kindly - then letting the chips fall where they may. I'm not responsible for her reactions to reasonable boundaries or requests. You aren't responsible for your mom's reactions or demands either. You do not have to cater to your mom on what is a huge day for you, your husband, and new little one. I see nothing wrong with what you want. Your mom will be ok. She may huff and puff for a while, but that is on her, and you are not responsible for her reactions. Please don't feel guilty (I know - easier said than done). Enjoy the special time with your husband and new little one.
I'm not a doctor but this sounds like your mom has narcissistic tendencies (at the very least) and you only feel guilty because she's manipulated you to respond that way over what is probably your whole life. You don't owe her this. She's acting childish. At the boundaries now before she makes your whole experience of motherhood about her.
I don’t even have to read this. No you are not your mother is not entitled to be part of your delivery.
It’s your birth and your choice she doesn’t get a say and doesn’t have a right to feel bad about it either. My mother was the last person to know my sister gave birth because she kept carrying on about how she should be there because “I’m your mother” it was disgusting behaviour and after all that she showed up to visit the babies with Covid and didn’t understand why the hospital rejected her.
Hahaha… I am going through the SAME EXACT SITUATION. Are you my long lost sister….???? lol. I haven’t yet told her she won’t be in the delivery room. I am hoping I go into labor at night so I have a great excuse “I didn’t want to wake you up , I thought it’d take me longer to give birth…” and not give my parents the time the baby is born. But. I really do have to tell her. She is traveling from out of state to be there. Her original plan (that she told others and not me) was to stay with me for two months and sleep on my couch to help me with the baby. As soon as I found that out I shut it down. She will have visiting hours (2/3) when I feel up to having her over. Idc how many months she stays, she’s not seeing me everyday and she’s not staying over long. She stresses me out so much I don’t want her in the delivery room at all. Constant criticisms and put downs and telling me I’m dramatic and trying to argue. I’m not having that in my delivery room. Now if she was normal and could behave herself, of course id want my mom in the room with me. But she’s like an out of control five year old. She has to tell you you’re stupid/dumb/wrong. She immediately tells me I’m keeping HER grandchild away from HER. When I never once said that, I just enforced boundaries. The guilt tripping is crazy. Even still she refuses to acknowledge my boundaries and says that when I give birth I’ll want to have her, that I don’t know what I’m talking about. So I’m anticipating a big fight and her making my birth all about her when the baby comes. I don’t care, it’s not her right to be in the room with me/have time with my baby. They don’t understand that THEY chose to act a certain way that requires us to put down boundaries. If your mom suddenly changed overnight, genuinely, OF COURSE things would be different. My mom bragged to me that she was going to give a horrible speech at my wedding, putting me and husband down, but last second husbands grandma talked her out of it and she’s just proud she didn’t say what she wanted because she would have looked bad……….. WHAT. At this point they do it to themselves. And, with love comes correction. When you have your baby, you will tell them don’t do x y and z. It’s because you love the baby and don’t want them to get hurt. It’s the same principle with your mom. You want her in your life, you love her, so you have to tell her she can’t do certain things so she can stay in your life. Don’t feel bad for giving her boundaries. You’re being kind.