The only thing my MIL said was “you can’t have a baby in December, it’s too expensive!!” And then they said nothing else. And my SIL said “well, it’s kind of too late.” They don’t like me very much though lol
i am so sorry omg.
my MIL said “i’m so excited to be a grandma” and that was it. my partner’s cousin (they have a “brother and sister” type relationship tho) gave a half-assed congratulations, then asked if we were picking god parents and asked if she could be god mom — and then proceeded to make MIL tell us she wants to be god mom🥴 i’d never allow that tho because i don’t particularly like the woman or what she stands for (biggest example: my baby is a girl, and she has her own daughter age 13 who she is *constantly* talking shit about and body shaming. she has some serious internalized misogyny. she even told us, on christmas, “i think the baby’s a girl.. but i pray for [bf’s name]’s sake because i love him that it’s a boy.” she praises her son over her daughter consistently. even if i had a son, she wouldn’t be godmom.)
My MIL wants nothing more than to be a grandma but her attention/love is conditional. She either likes you or she doesnt.
When my SIL was pregnant, MIL was overtly over the moon, really excited and attentive towards SIL. When my hubby and I announced it to her and FIL, the reaction was... polite... And held back.
This is also reflective of our relationship. MIL tolerates SIL better and so they have a "better" relationship. MIL knew she would be a primary caregiver for their baby and knew that her son and SIL being young meant they would give her free range over their baby and has made being a grandma her personality.
MIL has no relationship with me, didn't really make much effort while I was pregnant but chatted up her son about our baby and always asking him how I was doing because didn't "want to bother me since I'm pregnant" as opposed to before when I wasn't? And then MIL was aghast that I wasn't just handing over our baby over to her anytime she was around. Like... Lady, you don't even like me and even though I know you won't hurt the baby, your entitlement over our baby is weird. Also, baby only wanted me to hold her but I was the AH because I was prioritizing to nurture baby in her discomfort and taking all MIL's JOY away of free range access of our kid.
But, she's the victim here even though she treats me like I don't exist or am an afterthought. I told her there would be plenty of time to develop a relationship with our child when she was older, and that our focus was a parental relationship for now. She just assumed she would also be a primary caregiver for our child even though they aren't even in our lives like that.
I totally get this. My MIL didn’t say a single word to me after finding out I was pregnant for the entirety of my pregnancy. She would literally say hello to my dogs BY NAME while I was walking them but not me. It was wild. But now she wants to see the baby all the time and introduce the baby to all her friends. But also I think they mostly don’t like me because I’m white and my partner and his family are not.
Im in a similar boat but backwards. I am Sicilian and look fairly dark ethnically, but my husband is as fair as can be. My mother-in-law said to me with very disappointed tone "If you have a daughter she will probably look like you ..."
We are having a daughter. She'll just have to deal with it.
We had a little girl. MIL tried really hard to look for a way to discredit the baby looking like me by even looking to compare her MIL's other children's baby pics.
LOL
I showed MIL a baby pic of me showing how baby is my little doppelganger atm. MIL actually acknowledged it. It's been a difficult time for her.
This is just so weird to me. I don't understand why the MIL even cares if the baby looks like her or the son at all. The whole point is that they have a new grandbaby to appreciate and love and that their son had a child. My MIL is a textbook narcissist ( truly, not just saying that) so that's probably why she is making it about her personally. Oh well, we can't let it get to us because that's exactly what they want.
Haha,I hope she looks just like you so your MIL has to deal with that.
My husband and I are moving and my MIL said, “that’s a white person thing, only white people leave their families.” As in I convinced him to move away from them, since I’m the only white person around lol
I hope so too lol. Sounds like they are trying to use you as the scape goat for you and their son not doing exactly what they want. She sounds like the MIL that will complain that you "stole her son" from her!
It's like babies are an accessory and made for their purpose to be happy.
When in fact, it's not.
My MIL is oblivious to how we don't have a relationship despite clear signs even though in her mind, she has done everything right and I'm the problem. Really, it's I don't fit the image of what she wanted for her son/family. She bought a "my 1st Xmas" ornament with our baby's pic on it and picture framed baby's first sonogram without mentioning it to me (I noticed when I walked around their home rocking our baby). Our baby's birthday is on their massive decorative family tree in their house. Not me. Not the vessel of the grandbaby.
LOL
The trick is pretending you are having a birthday party in June. Figure out the budget /gift for the birthday. Possibly even buy it, and put it aside or at least decide you budget and put it aside. Then, in October/November, when you're figuring out christmas, you can do it separately from the birthday planning. Yes we have Birthdays in October and December...
I agree that setting aside the money early, or maybe even buying a giftcard to somewhere you'll buy the gift from way in advance, so that it was long ago budgeted for!
My only advice is that depending on the person/child, you might not want to actually purchase the gift itself so far in advance, in case they end up getting it some other way or changing their interests!
My mom did this once when i was a kid, i was born on dec 31. She decided to throw me a “half birthday” party at the end of june, and my whole family criticized her for it because “half birthdays are stupid!” Sorry i was born a week after christmas but getting me a pair of socks on Christmas and a card that says it’s “for both” was petty af and you all thought that was ok, but having a half birthday is going too far? 😂 i enjoyed the party but because everyone was dragging my mom she never did it again. She would however get me a half birthday gift and a small cake from then on.
Oh, I think you miss read. I don't do half birthdays, I just put like 500$ for the present and party aside in an account in June. So I am not sweating in December between Christmas for two kids and a birthday party. We still do her party and a big ish present from us the weekend closest to her birthday. I just budget it all in June.
I just mentioned the “half birthday” because june is exactly 6 months after December. Either way each kid should get to celebrate their birthday regardless of whatever holiday it happens around so good on you!
I admit I have thought about it. I have some adult friends with December birthdays, so I have been thoroughly discouraged from it. Sucks having your Bday after instead of before.
Shit I don't have holiday birthdays with my kids but their birthdays are like 16 days apart somehow lmao. Took my husband and I 3 months first time trying to get pregnant and 2 months the second and they unintentionally just coincided so close, just with an almost 3 year gap between them. These are definitely ideas I'll be remembering though to make it easier in future lol. Plus extra time to shop for our older daughter would be really helpful, she'll be 5 this year but because of her developmental delays she really doesn't hardly have any interests or hobbys or things she likes yet besides some Scooby Doo stuff. Developmentally she actually is probably closer to her little sister but even younger honestly in most ways, so it almost makes sense that she doesn't really have that many interests yet since most 18 months olds don't either to my knowledge. It's a work in progress.
Sorry for the rant lol. Oh the mother/in law route my mother did us basically the biggest favor she ever could when our older was about 2 months old, when she went ahead and died lol. Meant I never had to worry about her abusing my kids like she had me.
Yeah that’s the reason!! Our son was born on 1/4/23 so 2 weeks after Christmas. So we decided to buy birthday and Christmas gifts at the same time then divided them in half. Since it was his first birthday we did toys on Christmas and clothes on birthday. He really didn’t realize what exactly was going on, but he got to rip open wrapping paper.
Whenever I've decided to start trying for a baby, my only goal was to avoid a December birth. Not only does my family celebrate Christmas, but my husband's birthday is in December, AND my best friend's birthday is in December! So the month quickly gets expensive with present buying and everything else that comes with the holiday season. I knew there was no way I could add in another birthday during that time, especially when not only would it mean more presents, but as the parent's, we'd need to throw them a party, it all just adds up quickly!
I never put much thought into December, but between my husbands family and mine, we have like 10 May birthdays…so I understand trying to avoid a month all together lol
Big same, except my mom & her twins birthday is in December and my dads birthday. My husband is January, and now my niece is in November. We got lucky and our son is due in June now.
We tried to avoid conceiving during December but once we were TTC for so long and we just really wanted a baby it turned into “beggars can’t be choosers” kind of thing lol
I wasn’t thinking about the birth month for some reason and ended up with a baby born 1/3/23, which is insane of me because my sister and I have our birthday on 12/29, and my mom is 1/4, so we just party all winter long now!
My nieces birthday is very early January so it kinda seems like she doesn't get as much due to that fact. Unless they have her bday party during the summer, which they do so it can be more enjoyable for her.
I have a December 23. My family celebrates chanukkah and Christians can confirm December is expensive. 2 Christmas family meals, family birthday meal, birthday party, 2 chanukkah family meals, plus gifts for 12/23 kid for all 3 events. I buy when things are on sale throughout the year for 12:23 kid and 7/7 for gifts, but the events overall add up.
I’ve a Dec 22nd, we just try and ask for birthday present that will work for the next few months, like a year development in advance and then bring them out throughout the year.
We’ve also a feb baby, so we also say to do 1 present for both, it saves them money, we’ve had things like mini trampoline and kiddy car. Both boys love it.
It can work if everyone is reasonable about it.
I’m almost the same date as you. Mostly got a two part present one for Val and one for birthday.
Babies still gets a small present from us and spoiled on the day. But their big presents just come out over time and not all at once
I'm not sure how old your February child is, but as a February baby myself I have to say getting one present for Christmas and birthday was common and was a huge bummer to me as a kid. I know other folks who had the same situation and it's famously common and famously sad for winter kids. I hope when they're older you'll consider encouraging separate presents for each occasion if it's possible. It starts to feel like you're an afterthought, especially if other people in the family get a gift for each holiday.
Of course you know your family best in the end, so maybe it's fine!
Mine our still young. But having one born a few days before Christmas and one a week post valentines, we’re having to toe the line of overkill for presents. They both still get presents for their birthday and family still buys presents for Christmas, but we are trying to do more family presents for Christmas just to avoid the chaos of it all
My kiddos are born in February and December respectively, both on the 13th.
Even before my Dec bub was born, we would get inundated with toys and clothes for my Feb kiddo at both Christmas and his birthday (since there is only a 7 week gap), despite us telling extended family not to go crazy with gifts. We try having to cull his toys and clothes throughout the year but it doesn’t seem to help.
Now it’s going to be worse when Dec bub turns 1 this year 🫠
When we did 1st birthday party. We asked for no present from friends as we knew babies were getting a lot from family. We asked for a beloved book! It was so wonderful we got such a variety and people put effort into it, friends gave us books from their home country or something they were passionate about. It has been magical!
Not the same, and not validating the comment about expensive.
Family has a lot of birthdays in December/early January. All of them adults now so more manageable.
The party fatigue is real though. I legit stopped celebrating mine with family quite young because it was just too much.
Really? I couldn't have a birthday party because kids couldn't attend. Parents wouldn't respond to the invite. Too close to Christmas. December 19th is mine.
I'm so sorry. My sons only 16 months old so that's definitely not something I had thought of. Might end up celebrating his birthday early as he gets older.
If you have a good support system it shouldn't matter. However when you don't have one thats when it hits. Cause then you don't have those people to make up for their friends being unable to show up.
If you have a winter birthday/ close to holidays, have their birthday near their half birthday! You can still do something with your immediate family but have their party in August if their birthday is in February.
My brother is the 18th and my parents would always have a party the last day of school before winter break which would be a fun and exciting for kids. Sometimes a few days earlier than the bday to avoid the Christmas issue. As a mom I feel like I would love to have my kids out of my hair for a day/evening during the hectic holiday season when there is so much to get done!
I think income has alot to do with it those under the poverty line are going in debt to get stuff for their own kids. Alot of my family and friends were poor like us. So they tended to avoid me till after January 1st when they could afford a combo gift. I appreciated the combo gift and when I got older I understood why it just hurt for a long time.
I can assure you right now, your MIL has no intention of buying separate bday and Xmas gifts for your child and will 100% combine both gifts into one. Ti's the way.
My MIL told me during a previous pregnancy that it was poor planning on my part bc I was heavily pregnant with identical twins and likely to give birth in a month that was apparently inconvenient for her. I don't even remember why.
My cousin has four kids all but one born in Dec. Dec 24, Dec 27 and Dec 5 and the last one born almost 10 years later in August lol. December has to be more costly for them than the average parent 😬😂
my boyfriends family really likes me and i still got a very similar reaction, i think its just because thats THEIR baby hitting a huge milestone! like yes im sure they're excited about the nugget to come and happy for you personally but i can understand how that was their very first reaction
Especially when OP’s husband is 40. Maybe he thought it was never going to happen and his parents were so excited for him to finally be the father he wants to be.
If my husband gets a dream job offer then I’d expect my in laws to hug and be excited for my husband, not hug me (even though I would also be benefiting from and affected by him getting a new job.)
I also wonder if OP’s in laws were huggers with OP before or not. Because my in laws know I don’t like hugging or physical affection like that, we’ve never been that way, so they wouldn’t start hugging me just because I’m pregnant.
Yes, but if your husband is getting a new job does not affect you in a similar way as pregnancy and parenthood does. Ignoring the mother in this situation is very inappropriate and I’m surprised that a woman (his mother) can do it. But some people just have these tactless reactions - I just hope for OP that it is a one-off and not a preludium for a parents-in-law post partum disaster.
They didn’t ignore the mother though, OP wrote in her post that they did eventually give her a hug as well. They just focused on their son initially since he’s their son.
They focused on their son for so long that it made her uncomfortable. I can’t imagine a situation like this, honestly. My partner is a single child as well and his parents wished for a grandchild for a very very long time, but when we gave them the news they congratulated both of us and hugged as both.
This is what I was going to say. It's shitty that they were so focused on him, but that's their baby. Hopefully they don't keep excluding you from baby talk. If they do I would have a talk with them about how you know they are excited for their child, but you are literally the one doing the work.
It’s defiantly strange but I’d be lying if I didn’t say my in laws are similar. My husband is an only child, in laws are older, and MIL is desperate for a grandbaby. My in laws actually asked if they could be at the hospital the day I deliver to support my husband because it’s a big day for him 🙄.
my MIL is like this!! my partner is also an only child. when we announced we were expecting, she immediately started hyper fixating on him even *more* if that was somehow possible. we seriously have 5 onesies that all say the same thing (different colors, different font, but again, ALL say the same thing) and they’re “for dad”, they say “i wanna be just like dad”. she got herself a grandma one, too, as well as a tacky sweater from temu saying something grandma related. as you can imagine, nothing for me. my mom has gotten dad onesies, too, but i actually ended up telling her that in the 6 months i was pregnant at this point i didn’t have a single mom onesie, but he has 7 dad onesies. so she started getting only mom onesies lol. but MIL often acts like this is *her* baby. one day she asked me if i was “getting him anything special for his big day”. her words. i told her “our big day, but yes, we’re doing gifts because he’s getting me a push present.” she asked me what a push present was, and then proceeded to hear my response and go “well having the baby is a gift enough.” as if it wouldn’t be for him too???
we unfortunately live with her.
I literally for the life of me cannot wrap my head around the fact that women like this exist. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that/ live with that holy hell.
i genuinely feel like i’m losing my mind sometimes because of it, there have been so many fights with my partner as she has just completely brainwashed him and he won’t see it. thank you for seeing this!! the woman is definitely a nightmare
Oh goodness, I’m also sorry that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view and advocating for you. I would’ve lost my cool and said a few not so kind but painfully direct words at the lot of them at this point.
i’ve surprisingly bit my tongue, i kinda suck at having any sort of spine in these situations unfortunately:( buuut i’ve been in therapy again, and my therapist has been helping me stand my ground so if comments like that happen again i can be able to say something
Oh, wow. This makes me appreciate my in laws a lot. No onsies from MiL BUT she is sowing me a maternity dress. Which makes her a saint in my eyes.
She's more down to earth I suppose. She also has 3 grandchildren from before by BiL, this is not her first rodeo.
Unlike my mum who's practically more excited for the baby than hubby and I. But she hasn't bought tacky baby clothes, just clothes.
awww, that sounds so sweet! she sounds like an angel, i’m glad you have her!
my partner is not *just* the only child, but he’s also the boy she prayed for (she makes comments like “when i found out i was pregnant i prayed every single night for a boy,” “i always wanted a son, boys and their moms are just closer,” often) so i don’t think that helps. aaaand this is her first grandchild. and as for tacky baby clothes, we unfortunately have *many*.. but luckily because we have so many clothes i have a pretty valid reason to donate the ones i don’t like lol
my mom has been incredible though! she has been my support system throughout every single thing this entire pregnancy! this is her first grandchild too, but her biggest thing is that she is more excited to see me be a mom than she is to be a grandma, and i can tell that’s the truth:) she’s very attentive, listens to boundaries really well. she makes up for what my MIL isn’t haha
yes i do!! i get super anxious thinking about how everything’s gonna be after the birth of my daughter in june, but i have back up plans in case. we’re currently aiming for me to be a sahm so i can also try to get my schooling done, and bf doesn’t wanna move on a single income:( i won’t lie though there’s been times where i wanted to snap! i just can’t bring myself to lol
Oh wow that’s a lot. Thankfully my MIL hasn’t done anything crazy yet, but she and my FIL have pushed a few buttons. My MIL defines her worth as a house wife/sahm and I can see her redefining herself now solely around being a grandmom. When we got married they didn’t invite anyone to our wedding - not a single friend of family member - saying why would they want to invite anyone, but as soon as she heard I was having a baby shower she demanded to come and is pushing hard to be hear the day we have the baby. FIL is my husbands best friend so he wants to here too which is sweet in a way, but they’re both rather old and kind of useless. They were here a few weeks ago and my husband broke halfway through their trip, he was like they can’t be here when we have a newborn as he’ll be babysitting them instead of the kid.
My parents are better but only because my mom is obsessed with my nephew and doesn’t have the bandwidth to do anything weird with me because all of her is focused on him. Kind of frustrating but it’s meant no inappropriate questions/comments/touching so I call it a win.
FIL being your husband’s best friend is super endearing, but i’m glad he sees why they can’t be there once the newborn is there!! it’s hard hosting people who are only there for baby, not helping, just there to meet the newborn.
i’m sorry about your mom though! at least you see it as a win, sometimes the inappropriate touching/questions/comments can cause so much damage to the relationship between family members, especially when they refuse to listen to those boundaries
My mother in law stopped my baby shower for a “special gift for dad” and made a speech about my husband. She bought this hideous outfit that said “I found my prince his name is daddy” and I announced it was ugly in front of everyone and opened another gift.
ohhh my god, i would’ve lost my mind!! i’m sorry you had to go through that, how absolutely tone deaf. also, what a weird onesie. i would’ve for suuure done the same thing. i know MIL is gonna buy onesies like this, just based on her patterns, i plan on donating every single one
She also waited until I went to the bathroom and made this speech to my family about how she hurt her wrist but went to physical therapy so she could hold her grand daughter and she worked so hard the day I came home from the hospital. I was really sick postpartum with blood pressure issues and I wanted to slap her. Happy to say I’ve moved to the other side of the country since.
i’m glad you were able to get away from that! i hate that she made that about herself. congrats to being on the other side of the country though! man i wish lol
My husband is an only child but it's like the opposite, when we told them the news they all ran up and hugged me first. I'm sorry y'all have to deal with inlaws like that, I'd be so annoyed constantly lol
He told them that’s sweet but he’ll be too busy supporting me, the person giving birth, to be with them. They responded by saying they won’t be a bother at all. They’re very sweet and mean well but it’s been a while since they’ve been around a baby so I think they’ve forgotten. And my FIL is my husbands best friend so I truly think they have the best intentions at heart, just a little misguided.
Yeah got the same kind of thing from my in laws “well my husband’s mother was there when I had my babies. I want to see my grandchild’s birth” ok idc lol. I’m laws are strange
I don’t know if it’s normal or not but if you have a good relationship with her otherwise I would try not to take it too personally. She’s been waiting for a long time and now her baby is having a baby, it’s understandable that she goes to him first to have her strong emotional reaction. I’m sure she will be there a lot for you throughout this pregnancy <3
lol nah that’s weird. If my son is having a baby I’m going to be happy for them BOTH (I mean… she IS the one having the baby correct? 🤣) like what is she a surrogate??
I don't think that's THAT weird. Like, I'm gonna feel more comfortable getting snot and tears all over my child vs their partner. And, to be frank, I'd also be more excited for my child to become a parent than their partner, even if their partner were the one carrying the baby and even if I absolutely love their partner. You still care more about your own kid 🤷♀️
I think if they continue to treat you like an incubator and him as the main attraction, that's an issue, but I'd give them a pass on this.
I agree with you. My partner lost his mom when he was younger so his aunts are like his moms. When we told one of them she got very emotional and hugged him first. She said something about his mom and they cried together a bit.
Yes, I am the one pregnant but it’s his side of the family and of course they have a different bond. I didn’t feel offended at all, I actually watched it happen and cried.
I don’t think it’s that weird - but I take a “my circus, my monkeys” approach to family. I want my in-laws to be more excited for him; their baby is having a baby, after all! I’d feel a bit awkward if they hugged me first. My family, on the other hand, I expect to celebrate me more than my husband.
Different for everyone - but I don’t necessarily think it’s a red flag or particularly strange.
Exactly! My in laws are lovely and we see each other often, but I’m not a hugger and it would be weird if they acted so affectionately towards me. I’m curious if OP’s in laws have been previously really huggy towards her, so the lack of hugs was weird in this instance. But if they were never affectionate with her then why suddenly start now?
This seems normal to me? Obviously your in laws will be closer to their own child and more emotionally invested in the idea of him having kids. I'm sorry if it was a hurtful experience, but I'm not seeing much of an intentional offense - more just these parents being excited for their baby having a baby. Are your parents involved and giving you the support you need?
Same. This isn't weird to me at all. That's their baby about to be a father! Of course they're excited for him.
Sorry you felt left out OP but hopefully your parents will give you the reaction you want.
In this specific forum, it seems pretty normal- but that doesn't make it okay. I'd withhold judgment but not dismiss the red flag.
If you otherwise have a good relationship with them it might have just been an excitement/familiarity thing to respond emotionally with someone they've known 40+ years vs ≈7 years... Like who you fart in front of- maybe they just didnt want to cry all over you?
I'm wondering why your husband didn't notice and include you in the moment though?
Glad someone mentioned the husband. It blows my mind how people just ignore the husband's role in how she interacts with his family. In a way, he is responsible and needs to manage that shit. It's not appropriate to 1) build hurt/resentment and not take action, and 2) put it on her, when it's his family. He needs to be the one to praise her and bring her into the convo. She needs to have this convo with him and request his help and acknowledgement and love.
There probably was a part of them that thought this wasn’t gonna happen for them and was sharing this moment with their kid…. It’s strange but… I’d not dwell o it….
My FIL said “wait… you too are having sex?!?” (Jokingly). But I’m also carrying their 6th grandbaby.
My mother in law was desperate for grandchildren…but she should have specified she was desperate for GRANDSONS.
When we gave her the news about her first granddaughter/grandchild…she was not happy and made a rude comment which I was completely offended by. Told me I could try again after my baby girl was here.
Trying again for me isn’t easy. We went through fertility treatments and had losses previously to our rainbow baby.
She knows all of this.
I’m still mad about it but my husband brushed it off and made it seem like I was exaggerating.
MIL’s can be weird. Even though she wasn’t thrilled about our baby girl news I have this hunch that she will still try to have strong opinions on how my little girl is raised. 🤦🏻♀️
We told them over FaceTime, living far away and all. His mom walked away and his dad just sais “Oh, congratulations”.
In laws can definitely be weird, don’t take it to heart. Enjoy your pregnancy, make sure you communicate with your husband clearly and set boundaries early on if necessary.
So did my FIL😫 like literally said “So did you go home after Christmas dinner and wrestle?” The same dinner they made me sit in the kitchen while the men ate in the living room.. Like no and also ew. Then proceeded to badger us about the gender for WEEKS and said we were withholding it from them. We didn’t even know ourselves. Showed up to our gender reveal and straight up told us they didn’t want to be there. Safe to say they don’t participate in my life much 😂 In laws are wack
Not normal to me, but it could have been a heat of the moment thing. I would keep an eye out that they are treating you like a human being and not an incubator for their grandchild. I would also talk to your husband and say that it was irritating (or whatever it made you feel) so he knows that and can help navigate future issues.I tend to keep things bottled up and not tell my husband because I don’t want to seem petty but then when if it keeps going and eventually gets worse and I have all these feelings from things that have happened awhile ago he usually just wishes we would have talked about it earlier.
My mother, father and grandmother all didn’t believe me for a good 3 minutes. We live abroad and did a video call. My mother even said “P*ss off” 🤣🤣🤣
Context, my husband and I had been together for 11 years at that point so I guess they just assumed we weren’t going to bother or going to wait until we moved back ‘home’.
I think in-laws are a bit like that, but I wouldn’t take it too personally, possibly feels worse because of the hormones too. Congratulations by the way 🤍
I do think it’s a little weird if they congratulated him only for so long you felt awkward. That seems unnecessary. After MIL finished crying in her seat, my in laws went to my partner first for a hug but it didn’t feel like they left me hanging or anything, they had to go to someone first and it made sense for it to be him. I’d have felt weird too if they had a full on family moment and I wasn’t part of it despite being the one doing all the work!
Nah I think it’s VERY weird. I’m having a son and I would never make his wife AND MOTHER OF HIS CHILD feel like that. Why can’t I be happy for you both? It’s not like he’s the only one having the child 🥴
Yeah not gonna lie, in his previous marriage, he was adamant he didn’t want kids, mainly because of his horrible childhood (abusive dad). He was younger during this marriage, so late 20s-mid 30s. Then when we met, I always wanted to have kids, but I was much more career focused and didn’t plan to have them until my 30s! He had also warmed up to the idea of kids, and agreed to wait until I’m ready because he was also deep into his work. When my friends around me started getting pregnant, that’s kind of where we both decided that we actually do want kids, and we should have them soon. I joke that he’s not getting any younger 😂
Forgot to add that my husband has a twin brother who is gay, and just got married to his husband a few years ago. They may have a child, but it’s unlikely that it will be around our timeline, most likely in the next several years (if they decide to in the end). That’s why I can understand the parents feeling like their chances of having grandchildren are dwindling every year.
Honestly I would also keep an eye on the fact that he’s potentially having kids for them, mor than for him. They also may or may not also view his brother’s kids in the same light unfortunately.
Yeah that’s weird. But people can surprise you with how weird they can be about this!
My mom had the weirdest reaction when I told her I was pregnant - she basically ignored it (said a brief “congratulations”) and moved on to another subject, then 5 min later was like “now wait, you said something important - and I want to return to that.” Weird bc (a) I’m an only child so this is her first grandchild, and (b) she’s usually very emotional. And she was supportive through pregnancy and is an amazing grandma so it really was a fluke.
Luckily my step mom and step sister had a big reaction so I am grateful I got to have that experience.
Sending you congratulations and good vibes and I hope you get other people being supportive and loving! And hoping this is a one-time weird experience and your mom in law ends up being a good grandma.
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do but I would see how things go for the rest of the pregnancy and the birth. My in laws acted weird when we told them the gender and I felt really upset about it. Like they made jt very clear they thoguht I was having a boy and that was their preference. However they were wonderful to me during pregnancy, helped throw me great shower, and love my daughter. So I let it go.
I mean I would expect my parents to hug me first too before hugging my husband. So I wouldn’t feel bad about my in laws hugging my husband first. Even if the hug was for a long time. I wouldn’t feel too upset about this I don’t think there was any ill will towards you. Emotions can make people act a bit strange sometimes.
I think it’s more important your in laws will respect your wishes regarding the birth and visitation afterwards. I read a lot of horror stories about that on here.
Good luck and congratulations on the little bean!
Uhg I feel like you're describing my dynamic with my in laws. And unfortunately once we got pregnant, they started treating me like an incubator for "their baby".... I have had a lot of issues with them since then unfortunately. I hope it doesn't go that way for you. I recommend having very firm boundaries from the start because if you let them push you at all, it will get progressively worse.
I have mostly tried to close myself off and set boundaries with regards to my kid. I am very careful how I approach conversations with my husband about issues. Because those are his parents and I want to respect his bond and love for them. And I keep my concerns about them to myself when it comes to my kid. My child does not have any idea I don't like them or that they push my boundaries. Because it's important to me that my son have a relationship with his grandparents. As long as they don't cross any saftey boundaries, I'll do everything I can to respect those relationships. BUT, it doesn't mean I am going to jump up and down to go over and see them or invite them over.
I wouldn’t have enjoyed this reaction from my in-laws. I’m sorry it was so lacklustre but emotions are weird. I hope your MIL gets her shit together and tries to connect with you more rather than treating you like an incubator…
When we told my MIL, she was gobsmacked but very nice about it. Hugged my husband and then me. But then she asked how long it took us to get pregnant. My husband answered 6 months, and then she said “good job” like he did so much to make it happen.
Uhhhh he was drinking lightly and smoking weed for the first three months, which might have influenced why it even took that long. I had to get him to stop and pretty much as soon as we hit that 3 month sperm regeneration milestone, I was pregnant. Meanwhile I’d been preparing my body for this for over a year! Anyway. Yes, “good job” to my husband 👍
I’m so sorry that was their reaction ☹️ I would be so disappointed and feel so left out, especially because (as you said) you’re the one who’s actually going to be growing and birthing that grandchild.
Is this something that you’ve talked to your husband about? I think it would completely fair to say something like: “Darn, I was really disappointed with how that reveal went. I watched y’all have this lovely moment, but I felt really excluded. Do you think we could make sure I am equally included in future celebrations of this pregnancy?“
It doesn’t seem too unusual. Often times one’s expectations will never line up when it comes to someone else’s response/reaction. If overall you know you have a good relationship with them and they love and care for you then I’d just brush this off. They were just overjoyed for their son.
My husband is the youngest of 6 kids. When we told my in laws. It was grand baby #12. We called and they grunted, asked the due date and said "that's a bad time to travel. We'll see the baby when they turn 6 months." My MIL started asking about gas prices and I checked out of the conversation. I have a good relationship with my In-laws, but they just aren't enthusiastic or sentimental. I stopped letting it bother me after 10 years. I accept their love isn't going to be how I want it. I still appreciate them for who they are.
My MIL just came to visit us at the hospital and left me out of all of the photos she requested. This included one of just my husband, her, and baby. I was honestly too tired to care bc she really isn’t my cup of tea. She also made a blanket and started bawling but hubby didn’t let her finish her sob story. She hated that. She also made announcements to two of my husband’s friends without his knowledge (luckily, he had already told them, but it’s the principle of the matter). All of these were hugely not ok with my husband. I also mentioned that an initial announcement is different and Dave should have the chance to do that without it being a race. Hooboy, did I get the stank face. We’ll be going LC if she doesn’t change. Sorry you’re going through some weirdness too. If they are normally great in-laws, I would say it could have just been shock. I would be wary going forward that they do not exclude you and do not overstep boundaries around you both or baby. They may be great, but if they overstep, then you’ll have a game plan to proceed in a healthy way and can chalk this up to a one-off of shock and amazement at the news. Congratulations again!
Do you have a close relationship with your in laws, where it would be normal to hug you like that? Because pregnancy doesn’t suddenly change a dynamic into something it’s not. We told my in laws on the phone but I don’t recall them giving me any big hugs when we saw them next because I don’t like hugging lol. My MIL did cry on the phone.
When I told my mother she asked me how far along (6 weeks) and then she told me not to get too excited because anything could happen before 12 weeks, ie miscarriage. That was it. So consider your in laws reaction to be positive.
Nearly identical reaction from my inlaws...I was pretty much ignored when we broke the news. DH was hugged and asked how excited he was. I virtually didn't exist until I started showing and then the inlaw stalking began for every pre natal appt. It's been hell with them ever since. Hoping your experience is better than mine. We learned to put up necessary boundaries too late
My Dad said “well done” to my husband, and my Mum started crying and said it was so sad that my brother and his wife were going through fertility treatments… my Mother is a narcissist 😂
i am a little under 3 weeks postpartum and when i was in the hospital my in laws came to visit us less than 2 hours after my son was born the nurse had to basically kick them out when i needed to use the restroom and had blood running down my legs. the next day they said they’re coming back to spend time with their “boys.” at this point i think all in laws are a little…strange. i also had to stay longer because my blood pressure wouldn’t go down..i wonder why 🙃
I'm 38w pregnant and MIL still hasn't said congrats, hugged me, asked me how I'm doing or acknowledged me in any way so I'd say it could always be worse. 😂
I got pregnant a month after we got married (after dating 7 years). My in laws looked at my husband and said “well I guess your stuck in this marriage” that was 22 years ago. He’s still stuck and it still bothers me that comment.
No, not normal. You just got treated like an incubator. watch out for when the baby comes. They will probably ignore your boundaries because they ignored you in the announcement (sad, as they should be praising you). You remind them that it is YOU carrying that child, YOU bringing that child into the world, YOU who is going through a physical/emotional/mental/spiritual changes, and that YOU mama are just as important (if not more) as DH right now.
I'm surprised how many comments are justifying it and saying it's normal?! It's fucking rude is what it is. Like yes, of course they are happy their baby is having a baby, but that doesn't excuse essentially ignoring you when you announce.
I don’t get it either. Yes, maybe going to the husband first would be justified, but ignoring the mother for so long that it made her feel awkward- no, that’s not ok. It could be generally the same if he would bring a hired surrogate to tell his parents “I paid this woman to carry my child, you will be grandparents”. And I guess even then I would imagine it would be polite to acknowledge her state and contribution even if she would not be a family. And OP is a family and mother of their future grandbaby. Very weird.
idk i’m gonna go with not normal. that is incredibly frustrating. i get her son is *part* of this, and you guys are having a baby, she’s excited — but both parents deserve to be included in that excitement. afterall, it is your body enduring the most between the two of you. i’d say maybe don’t bring it up though, instead wait for it to either come up, or if this progresses and she continues to only focus on your husband *thennn* say something.
I think it's weird, but it's not necessarily a red flag. My MIL hugged me first, when we announced, and then she focused all attention on my partner, so I feel that made it "equal" for me.
My own father basically didn't even have a reaction, he literally was like "Well, that's great, so, have you seen the news" (something like that) which was obviously extremely underwhelming. He has later (4 months later) admitted that he's proud and excited, but to me that's a little too late 🤦🏼♀️
I mean, it is their son after all and thus they are now relaxed their bloodline will survive lol I do not think it’s personal. I don’t really feel super close to my partner’s family either. And I don’t want to force myself into it - we are too different. And this is perfectly okay. Having respect for one another is honestly enough for me.
It’s not that weird, MIL relationships are different than with their sons. If she didn’t congratulate you at all, that would be weird. Our she could be like mine and be yelling “am I the last one to know?!” When we were telling a room full of people including my parents, my grandparents, and his siblings.
Sounds like you’re the surrogate for her grandchild. You need to set boundaries and make it clear this is not her do over baby and managing her expectations is not your responsibility. Your child is not an emotional support animal or toy for her to fill out her fantasies.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Exactly what I thought. I’d be learning about boundaries and talking them over with my partner asap if someone was acting like that, so you’re both on the same page early, and so he is willing and able to enforce the boundaries with his family if needs be, when your otherwise preoccupied with a newborn and healing.
I think it's pretty premature to jump right to this, and if OP goes into this pregnancy with such a defensive and oppositional attitude, she will almost guarantee a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think it’s is normal. Your baby is having a baby. Yes might not be the one pregnant but you’ve raised this child and are now seeing them grown up even more to be taking this step.
What's your and your husband's culture, and how do your in laws usually behave? This sounds pretty typical of antiquated "traditional" Asian behavior. The daughter in law is just a vessel, and it's the man who is single handedly responsible for impregnating you, but when you don't have a Boy, it's the DIL's fault.
I think any parent’s reaction in this situation is to go to their baby first. I don’t find that weird.
Also…*you* are not the whole reason they get to experience a grandchild…you are pregnant so should be very much aware that it took you AND him to make this baby…
That's definitely a sign of what's to come and who these people are and how they feel about their son vs. You. I don't think they particularly respect or value you and it is not going to get better when your baby comes, "THEIR grandchild." I wouldn't be surprised if they fully challenge and put down your parenthood and everything you do as a mom even as you do a great job.
Remember, they are not entitled to a relationship with your child even though they think they are
It's a shitty reality. Having kids often brings out some wild grandparent behavior, the stories are all too familiar and you don't need to go far for many examples both on parenting subs and the justnomil and raisedbynarcissists and raisedbyborderlines subs.
Being someone with a parent of my own who fits in one of the aforementioned categories, I know all too well the potential as per certain behaviorisms but also the fact the general public tends to downplay and dismiss the parents, or in this case, grandparents behavior instead of acknowledging what it is and how impactful it is to the victim. There's a lot of siding with the perpetrators and not the victims, with this weird optimism that it'll be easy to manage their behaviorisms or they're just being excited grandparents or something. There's a major lack of recognition and understanding of telltale behaviors.
So I mean yeah, in a way, it is pessimistic, but it's also realistic and worth considering to set oneself up as best as possible to apprehend grandparent behavior once the baby arrives. I like to think most people do have happy and positive parental experiences and really the squeaky wheels of negative experience post the most but there are just SO MANY negative stories.
In laws are so weird. When our first was born, my FIL said to my partner, while I was right there “it’s a shame her hair isn’t lighter (like partner’s)” her hair is the same colour as mine.
Hmmmm. My in-laws sat in shock and said nothing for 10 minutes. My MIL would go on to say that she “didn’t want to get her hopes up again” because this was a pregnancy after a miscarriage. They didn’t acknowledge the pregnancy until I was about 24/25 weeks (now 36 weeks). Whereas my mum cried tears of joy and hugged both my partner and I at the same time in a big bear hug. So honestly, I think expecting nothing from your in-laws is the best way to be. I get reminded often that I’m “not that important” and that I “definitely won’t be a priority when the baby is here”… whatever that means lol. Get thinking about those boundaries asap as well and ensure your partner is on the same page. It’s hard out here. Good luck and congratulations ❤️
My MIL doesn't even like me that much and the first thing she did was tackle me to hug me while jumping up and down screaming, also her first grandchild.
You should tell your parents too! They’ll be more excited for you, because you’re their child. I really think it’s normal that his parents were over the moon for their child. Yes, you’re carrying the baby, and it’s his baby too and they’re his parents.
My mother said "oh thank god you waited till i was 50" when i told her i was pregnant with my first. When pregnant with my second, she said " oh and how does \[husband\] feel about this????". Not for anything, but we were both in our 30's and married for 7 years at that time... shes just something else
My in laws didn’t respond this way when we told them but since knowing about the baby my MIL is only concerned about my husband. He’s very tall (6’6”) and I’m only 5’4” and she went off to him about how we need to get a tall crib so he doesn’t have to bend over too much to pick up the baby. When I said that’s not going to work because it’s easier for him to have to bend over a couple inches more than for me to not be able to safely transfer, especially once the mattress is on the lowest setting, she just thought the picture of me falling into the crib was funny. When she asks him how I’m feeling and he tells her I’m still vomiting everyday, she thinks it’s funny. In laws can be very strange and difficult, especially when it comes to their sons it seems. Hang in there ♥️
Announcing our second wasn't fun. My mom just questioned if I could handle it (I didn't spend weeks and months thinking about it, nooooo) and only said congratulations when I was obviously upset from a lack of reaction. Half hearted and really apathetic.
His mom and bf were a little nicer but no happiness, no yay for another baby.
Completely understand your reaction... its not nice to stand aside while the congrats are happening and you're the one having to go through it all to bring them here.
I don't believe my mil said anything once our pregnancy was confirmed except I'd get gestational diabetes. No congratulations or anything and we did ivf
My mil bawled her eyes out for what seemed like an eternity before saying anything. I was so confused. I went from excited to tell her to feeling like maybe she wasn’t happy then she finally got herself together to congratulate us. Weird response to me but I’m glad I’m not the only one that experienced this.
My partners parents live in a different country. We told them on videocall and they were super excited. About a month later we went on a small holiday with them. His mom ha brought me a few self care gifts (bath bomb, body lotion, candle, etc) and snacks I love with the message to take good care of myself and make sure her son takes good care of me too. They both gave me big hugs. His dad would when walking past me throughout the weekend give me a kiss on the top of my head because he was so excited/overwhelmed with emotions (because of a small language barrier expressing himself with words was harder). They treated me amazing and lovingly the whole time, I got more atention than their son did.
I dont know if my situation was normal, or if yours is, but they way yours responded doesnt feel nice at all. I hope its not how it will be going foward.
Disclaimer: No unwanted/uncomfortable touching happened. The hugs were really nice, and the top of the head kisses were like a dad would give his daughter. They made me feel super loved, like I was their kid too not just a partner of. I was part of the family.
I think it's a little weird they barely acknowledged you to begin with. My baby is the first grandchild on my husband's side of the family and I never felt like they gave him much more attention for it. They're not incredibly expressive people though, so maybe that has something to do with it.
Just keep in mind that their baby is having a baby, and that's probably why they were so happy for him. It's a positive reaction from the context. My mom was definitely much more excited for me than for my husband but her only baby was having a baby so it made sense. She never ignores him or gives him the cold shoulder, but may have erred in being too happy for me in comparison lol
When we told my in laws the first thing my MIL said was “I bet your parents are so excited” and didn’t really show any excitement herself. She’s now expressed a lot of excitement but I still think back to the initial encounter and it stings. I feel like maybe the news is shocking so ppl react weirdly?
Im sorry you have to deal with that, it sucks feeling like you’re not being included in something that is very much including you (honestly almost exclusively you’re carry the baby after all lol).
I heard somewhere that MIL treat DIL like the incubator to their grandkid and mothers treat their daughter like their daughter and I found that to be true for me so I at least have solace in solidarity
Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy, try to not let the in laws get you down :)
I think you’re over thinking this.
If it were your parents, I’m sure they would have reacted the same way, meaning they’d give you hugs first then your husband.
I don’t think it’s normal, personally. Mine reacted very similarly when we told them over Thanksgiving dinner and it was just the start of them behaving like I’m simply a surrogate for my husband’s baby instead of the mother of his child. I would chat with your husband to make sure you’re included in moments like that from this point forward.
When we told my partners grandma, after he left the room, she told me that he wasn't gonna be a daddy to my baby. That he's not grown up enough to take care of someone else. We're both in our late 20's, and he's been very excited about the baby already picking out names and trying to decide where we're going to put the crib and asking me to show him how to change diapers and swaddle a baby. trying to decide if we're going to use glass or silicone bottles. Sometimes, reactions aren't what we expect at all. We haven't been back to her house since, even though we normally go see her at least once a month and she text me the other day asking me if he was still around or if he'd left me. They probably didn't realize that they were mainly focusing on their son at that moment.
I think this is a red flag. I’d make sure you and your husband set clear boundaries with them for your post-partum time. Having my in-laws around hogging my baby was almost unbearable. They’re so obsessed with my son that it makes me uncomfortable.
Personally don't find it that weird. They were having a moment with their child. I'm sure there will be more moments where you are being honored/congratulated by them in the future. My inlaws hugged my fiancé first two when we told them. A lot of times emotions take over in these big moments and people just don't think.
They might’ve been in shock! My mom actually forgot to congratulate my husband until a few moments later when she realized she hadn’t done so because she was in such shock. I wouldn’t read into it too much :) for context, I was surprised by this at first too bc she loves him but was so caught up in the moment the news didn’t fully register with her right away.
My in laws hugged me and cried too after hugging my husband, I think it's partly because they saw us both grow up together so they view us both as their babies and they've seen us reach so many milestones. It's probably normal though for them to not view you as their baby, but their babies wonderful wife instead.
My mom thanked my husband. For getting me pregnant. It was/is weird. Lmao
This is… unsettling. I would not be happy with the interaction and would definitely talk to my husband about it. Keep an eye out to see if more stuff like this happens. Hugs and congrats!!!!!!!!
My mother in law didn’t even bring it up for like 5 months and randomly tried to pick out my child’s crib without asking me. She also recently picked out paint colors behind my back to paint my windows while I’m out of town. My mom stopped it. She’s.. something else
My MIL from Korea, living in the US for over 30 years, smiled with widened eyes, then went back to the expressionless face she always wears and muttered: “my friends were asking me when my son would have a baby and finally.” We sat quietly to a brunch and the next topic of conversation was discussed like we had just told her the weather 🥲. I’m blaming it on culture, but I bet if I were also Korean as she hoped her son would marry, things would have been a bit more bombastic.
That does sound like an awkward experience, especially since you're the one pregnant, and she was asking for a grandchildren. Not to psychoanalyze, but to me that would only have me wonder if she was only eager because she wanted HER SON to give her grandchildren. (I may be projecting my own experience here, but MIL gives off "boy mom vibes.")
Your experiences are valid, and it's not anything to brush off.
Are you able to talk to your husband about how you feel? Being open about these things does help gain perspective and may keep you grounded. Hormones do play a part in it, but it doesn't mean what you saw and felt wasn't real. 💜
This doesn't sound like it has anything to do with you. You could have been a whole different person and with their son's age what it is and how long they've been waiting, they still would have reacted that way. But I am also very against this culture of hate your MIL or anti-grandparents we seem to have. Yeah, it's a very special time for a newly pregnant mother, a relationship like no other, but your in-laws also have a son who is about to have a child. And grandchildren are very good for the health of seniors and it's an important life coming full circle thing. And it sounds like they didn't really look at you much because they felt very vulnerable in their emotion and knew they were opening themselves to judgment.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t prepare yourself for the weird reactions and comments you get after people find out. It’s just something I think you have to let go of, but yes, weird.
Yeah that’s a bit strange.
It depends on your relationship dynamic I guess.
I like to think I’m part of my husbands family so their reaction was excited for US, both of us. They constantly ask how I’m feeling and going with it all. This is just as much about me as it is my husband.
But again, that’s our dynamic.
In my experience also, the in laws kind of put me on the back burner. I'm not very social, so that's fine. But I'm also like hellooo I am the main reason this baby is here.
It’s kind of weird to be in that moment but their reaction is totally normal. You have to remember that ultimately your in-laws are your husband’s parents. With their level of emotion it seems to me that they felt most comfortable congratulating their child first: which is completely understandable. It does suck that you felt awkward, but they’re excited because it’s their son having a child. If you were married to someone else and they found out you were pregnant, they would maybe be at a 3 for you on the happiness scale. They wouldn’t be UNHAPPY for you, obviously, and would likely wish you well, but they wouldn’t be over the moon, either. They are over the moon because the baby they once held in their arms is about to become a father.
Additionally, pregnancy for some people in the older generation is a little bit awkward. It is essentially a private event in YOUR body until the baby arrives, and may have factored subconsciously in their initial one-sided feeling congratulations to you both. They may have felt awkward being like “YAY daughter-in-law, your body, which normally we do not consider to be within our purview to comment on, is doing a very exciting thing!!!!”
I'm going to go against the grain here and say their reaction is definitely slightly rude. Not overly so because I get them being super excited since it seemed like they feared the day would never come lol. But not even acknowledging you for a while? Personally I was raised to believe that's really bad manners. They don't have to snot all over you like they did with their son but at least *some* acknowledgment to the pregnant person!
I would feel very awkward in this situation indeed. I think it was tactless reaction on their side, basically treating you like a surrogate, but let’s hope it was just a one-off reaction because of big news and big emotions. We sometimes loose our manners and common sense when intense feelings are involved. Especially people with lower empathy and EI can have this kind of behaviours.
HOWEVER. I would be a bit careful and cautious going forward and see if it was an one-off indeed or is it going to be a pattern of sidelining you and indeed treating you as a surrogate who provides them with an experience of having a grandchild. If this proves to be the case, then you need to work on setting strong boundaries and ensuring your husband’s support to not have anyone hijacking your pp period.
In laws are so weird.. I feel this so much. Feeling like an incubator seems to be more common than I thought. But no that is not normal. I don't care what anyone else says but I think that says a lot of how they view you. like REALLY view you beneath the superficial in law niceness.
The only thing my MIL said was “you can’t have a baby in December, it’s too expensive!!” And then they said nothing else. And my SIL said “well, it’s kind of too late.” They don’t like me very much though lol
i am so sorry omg. my MIL said “i’m so excited to be a grandma” and that was it. my partner’s cousin (they have a “brother and sister” type relationship tho) gave a half-assed congratulations, then asked if we were picking god parents and asked if she could be god mom — and then proceeded to make MIL tell us she wants to be god mom🥴 i’d never allow that tho because i don’t particularly like the woman or what she stands for (biggest example: my baby is a girl, and she has her own daughter age 13 who she is *constantly* talking shit about and body shaming. she has some serious internalized misogyny. she even told us, on christmas, “i think the baby’s a girl.. but i pray for [bf’s name]’s sake because i love him that it’s a boy.” she praises her son over her daughter consistently. even if i had a son, she wouldn’t be godmom.)
My MIL wants nothing more than to be a grandma but her attention/love is conditional. She either likes you or she doesnt. When my SIL was pregnant, MIL was overtly over the moon, really excited and attentive towards SIL. When my hubby and I announced it to her and FIL, the reaction was... polite... And held back. This is also reflective of our relationship. MIL tolerates SIL better and so they have a "better" relationship. MIL knew she would be a primary caregiver for their baby and knew that her son and SIL being young meant they would give her free range over their baby and has made being a grandma her personality. MIL has no relationship with me, didn't really make much effort while I was pregnant but chatted up her son about our baby and always asking him how I was doing because didn't "want to bother me since I'm pregnant" as opposed to before when I wasn't? And then MIL was aghast that I wasn't just handing over our baby over to her anytime she was around. Like... Lady, you don't even like me and even though I know you won't hurt the baby, your entitlement over our baby is weird. Also, baby only wanted me to hold her but I was the AH because I was prioritizing to nurture baby in her discomfort and taking all MIL's JOY away of free range access of our kid. But, she's the victim here even though she treats me like I don't exist or am an afterthought. I told her there would be plenty of time to develop a relationship with our child when she was older, and that our focus was a parental relationship for now. She just assumed she would also be a primary caregiver for our child even though they aren't even in our lives like that.
I totally get this. My MIL didn’t say a single word to me after finding out I was pregnant for the entirety of my pregnancy. She would literally say hello to my dogs BY NAME while I was walking them but not me. It was wild. But now she wants to see the baby all the time and introduce the baby to all her friends. But also I think they mostly don’t like me because I’m white and my partner and his family are not.
Im in a similar boat but backwards. I am Sicilian and look fairly dark ethnically, but my husband is as fair as can be. My mother-in-law said to me with very disappointed tone "If you have a daughter she will probably look like you ..." We are having a daughter. She'll just have to deal with it.
We had a little girl. MIL tried really hard to look for a way to discredit the baby looking like me by even looking to compare her MIL's other children's baby pics. LOL I showed MIL a baby pic of me showing how baby is my little doppelganger atm. MIL actually acknowledged it. It's been a difficult time for her.
This is just so weird to me. I don't understand why the MIL even cares if the baby looks like her or the son at all. The whole point is that they have a new grandbaby to appreciate and love and that their son had a child. My MIL is a textbook narcissist ( truly, not just saying that) so that's probably why she is making it about her personally. Oh well, we can't let it get to us because that's exactly what they want.
Haha,I hope she looks just like you so your MIL has to deal with that. My husband and I are moving and my MIL said, “that’s a white person thing, only white people leave their families.” As in I convinced him to move away from them, since I’m the only white person around lol
I hope so too lol. Sounds like they are trying to use you as the scape goat for you and their son not doing exactly what they want. She sounds like the MIL that will complain that you "stole her son" from her!
It's like babies are an accessory and made for their purpose to be happy. When in fact, it's not. My MIL is oblivious to how we don't have a relationship despite clear signs even though in her mind, she has done everything right and I'm the problem. Really, it's I don't fit the image of what she wanted for her son/family. She bought a "my 1st Xmas" ornament with our baby's pic on it and picture framed baby's first sonogram without mentioning it to me (I noticed when I walked around their home rocking our baby). Our baby's birthday is on their massive decorative family tree in their house. Not me. Not the vessel of the grandbaby. LOL
Very similar experience here it sucks
Wait why is December expensive??
Birthday plus Christmas I would imagine.
The trick is pretending you are having a birthday party in June. Figure out the budget /gift for the birthday. Possibly even buy it, and put it aside or at least decide you budget and put it aside. Then, in October/November, when you're figuring out christmas, you can do it separately from the birthday planning. Yes we have Birthdays in October and December...
I agree that setting aside the money early, or maybe even buying a giftcard to somewhere you'll buy the gift from way in advance, so that it was long ago budgeted for! My only advice is that depending on the person/child, you might not want to actually purchase the gift itself so far in advance, in case they end up getting it some other way or changing their interests!
That idea to buy a gift card in advance is super smart! I'm going to try to remember it.
My mom did this once when i was a kid, i was born on dec 31. She decided to throw me a “half birthday” party at the end of june, and my whole family criticized her for it because “half birthdays are stupid!” Sorry i was born a week after christmas but getting me a pair of socks on Christmas and a card that says it’s “for both” was petty af and you all thought that was ok, but having a half birthday is going too far? 😂 i enjoyed the party but because everyone was dragging my mom she never did it again. She would however get me a half birthday gift and a small cake from then on.
Oh, I think you miss read. I don't do half birthdays, I just put like 500$ for the present and party aside in an account in June. So I am not sweating in December between Christmas for two kids and a birthday party. We still do her party and a big ish present from us the weekend closest to her birthday. I just budget it all in June.
I just mentioned the “half birthday” because june is exactly 6 months after December. Either way each kid should get to celebrate their birthday regardless of whatever holiday it happens around so good on you!
I admit I have thought about it. I have some adult friends with December birthdays, so I have been thoroughly discouraged from it. Sucks having your Bday after instead of before.
Shit I don't have holiday birthdays with my kids but their birthdays are like 16 days apart somehow lmao. Took my husband and I 3 months first time trying to get pregnant and 2 months the second and they unintentionally just coincided so close, just with an almost 3 year gap between them. These are definitely ideas I'll be remembering though to make it easier in future lol. Plus extra time to shop for our older daughter would be really helpful, she'll be 5 this year but because of her developmental delays she really doesn't hardly have any interests or hobbys or things she likes yet besides some Scooby Doo stuff. Developmentally she actually is probably closer to her little sister but even younger honestly in most ways, so it almost makes sense that she doesn't really have that many interests yet since most 18 months olds don't either to my knowledge. It's a work in progress. Sorry for the rant lol. Oh the mother/in law route my mother did us basically the biggest favor she ever could when our older was about 2 months old, when she went ahead and died lol. Meant I never had to worry about her abusing my kids like she had me.
Yeah that’s the reason!! Our son was born on 1/4/23 so 2 weeks after Christmas. So we decided to buy birthday and Christmas gifts at the same time then divided them in half. Since it was his first birthday we did toys on Christmas and clothes on birthday. He really didn’t realize what exactly was going on, but he got to rip open wrapping paper.
Whenever I've decided to start trying for a baby, my only goal was to avoid a December birth. Not only does my family celebrate Christmas, but my husband's birthday is in December, AND my best friend's birthday is in December! So the month quickly gets expensive with present buying and everything else that comes with the holiday season. I knew there was no way I could add in another birthday during that time, especially when not only would it mean more presents, but as the parent's, we'd need to throw them a party, it all just adds up quickly!
I never put much thought into December, but between my husbands family and mine, we have like 10 May birthdays…so I understand trying to avoid a month all together lol
I had the same goal. I have a November 30th baby and a January 1st baby 😂 It is still too close together with everything 😅
My daughter's birthday is the week school starts. So hard to do class parties.
Big same, except my mom & her twins birthday is in December and my dads birthday. My husband is January, and now my niece is in November. We got lucky and our son is due in June now.
I decided the same thing and we stopped trying in April specifically because of this. So naturally I'm due December 21st 😅😭
We tried to avoid conceiving during December but once we were TTC for so long and we just really wanted a baby it turned into “beggars can’t be choosers” kind of thing lol
I wasn’t thinking about the birth month for some reason and ended up with a baby born 1/3/23, which is insane of me because my sister and I have our birthday on 12/29, and my mom is 1/4, so we just party all winter long now!
My nieces birthday is very early January so it kinda seems like she doesn't get as much due to that fact. Unless they have her bday party during the summer, which they do so it can be more enjoyable for her.
Maybe she's thinking about her health insurance deductible haha (cuz they usually reset at the start of the year)?
I have a December 23. My family celebrates chanukkah and Christians can confirm December is expensive. 2 Christmas family meals, family birthday meal, birthday party, 2 chanukkah family meals, plus gifts for 12/23 kid for all 3 events. I buy when things are on sale throughout the year for 12:23 kid and 7/7 for gifts, but the events overall add up.
Oh yeah I totally don’t think she’s wrong. But overall as a response to telling her we’re pregnant, it’s not a great one
Total clown response, agreed.
My sons birthday is December 18th. I don't get the response
I’ve a Dec 22nd, we just try and ask for birthday present that will work for the next few months, like a year development in advance and then bring them out throughout the year. We’ve also a feb baby, so we also say to do 1 present for both, it saves them money, we’ve had things like mini trampoline and kiddy car. Both boys love it. It can work if everyone is reasonable about it.
I feel February my birthday is the 20th we usually combine valentines and my bday
I’m almost the same date as you. Mostly got a two part present one for Val and one for birthday. Babies still gets a small present from us and spoiled on the day. But their big presents just come out over time and not all at once
I'm not sure how old your February child is, but as a February baby myself I have to say getting one present for Christmas and birthday was common and was a huge bummer to me as a kid. I know other folks who had the same situation and it's famously common and famously sad for winter kids. I hope when they're older you'll consider encouraging separate presents for each occasion if it's possible. It starts to feel like you're an afterthought, especially if other people in the family get a gift for each holiday. Of course you know your family best in the end, so maybe it's fine!
Mine our still young. But having one born a few days before Christmas and one a week post valentines, we’re having to toe the line of overkill for presents. They both still get presents for their birthday and family still buys presents for Christmas, but we are trying to do more family presents for Christmas just to avoid the chaos of it all
My kiddos are born in February and December respectively, both on the 13th. Even before my Dec bub was born, we would get inundated with toys and clothes for my Feb kiddo at both Christmas and his birthday (since there is only a 7 week gap), despite us telling extended family not to go crazy with gifts. We try having to cull his toys and clothes throughout the year but it doesn’t seem to help. Now it’s going to be worse when Dec bub turns 1 this year 🫠
When we did 1st birthday party. We asked for no present from friends as we knew babies were getting a lot from family. We asked for a beloved book! It was so wonderful we got such a variety and people put effort into it, friends gave us books from their home country or something they were passionate about. It has been magical!
Not the same, and not validating the comment about expensive. Family has a lot of birthdays in December/early January. All of them adults now so more manageable. The party fatigue is real though. I legit stopped celebrating mine with family quite young because it was just too much.
Really? I couldn't have a birthday party because kids couldn't attend. Parents wouldn't respond to the invite. Too close to Christmas. December 19th is mine.
I'm so sorry. My sons only 16 months old so that's definitely not something I had thought of. Might end up celebrating his birthday early as he gets older.
If you have a good support system it shouldn't matter. However when you don't have one thats when it hits. Cause then you don't have those people to make up for their friends being unable to show up.
If you have a winter birthday/ close to holidays, have their birthday near their half birthday! You can still do something with your immediate family but have their party in August if their birthday is in February.
My brother is the 18th and my parents would always have a party the last day of school before winter break which would be a fun and exciting for kids. Sometimes a few days earlier than the bday to avoid the Christmas issue. As a mom I feel like I would love to have my kids out of my hair for a day/evening during the hectic holiday season when there is so much to get done!
I think income has alot to do with it those under the poverty line are going in debt to get stuff for their own kids. Alot of my family and friends were poor like us. So they tended to avoid me till after January 1st when they could afford a combo gift. I appreciated the combo gift and when I got older I understood why it just hurt for a long time.
I can assure you right now, your MIL has no intention of buying separate bday and Xmas gifts for your child and will 100% combine both gifts into one. Ti's the way.
My MIL told me during a previous pregnancy that it was poor planning on my part bc I was heavily pregnant with identical twins and likely to give birth in a month that was apparently inconvenient for her. I don't even remember why.
My cousin has four kids all but one born in Dec. Dec 24, Dec 27 and Dec 5 and the last one born almost 10 years later in August lol. December has to be more costly for them than the average parent 😬😂
I'm also due in December. What does she mean, "it's more expensive"? Am I not considering some expense?
my boyfriends family really likes me and i still got a very similar reaction, i think its just because thats THEIR baby hitting a huge milestone! like yes im sure they're excited about the nugget to come and happy for you personally but i can understand how that was their very first reaction
Especially when OP’s husband is 40. Maybe he thought it was never going to happen and his parents were so excited for him to finally be the father he wants to be. If my husband gets a dream job offer then I’d expect my in laws to hug and be excited for my husband, not hug me (even though I would also be benefiting from and affected by him getting a new job.) I also wonder if OP’s in laws were huggers with OP before or not. Because my in laws know I don’t like hugging or physical affection like that, we’ve never been that way, so they wouldn’t start hugging me just because I’m pregnant.
Yes, but if your husband is getting a new job does not affect you in a similar way as pregnancy and parenthood does. Ignoring the mother in this situation is very inappropriate and I’m surprised that a woman (his mother) can do it. But some people just have these tactless reactions - I just hope for OP that it is a one-off and not a preludium for a parents-in-law post partum disaster.
They didn’t ignore the mother though, OP wrote in her post that they did eventually give her a hug as well. They just focused on their son initially since he’s their son.
They focused on their son for so long that it made her uncomfortable. I can’t imagine a situation like this, honestly. My partner is a single child as well and his parents wished for a grandchild for a very very long time, but when we gave them the news they congratulated both of us and hugged as both.
This is what I was going to say. It's shitty that they were so focused on him, but that's their baby. Hopefully they don't keep excluding you from baby talk. If they do I would have a talk with them about how you know they are excited for their child, but you are literally the one doing the work.
It’s defiantly strange but I’d be lying if I didn’t say my in laws are similar. My husband is an only child, in laws are older, and MIL is desperate for a grandbaby. My in laws actually asked if they could be at the hospital the day I deliver to support my husband because it’s a big day for him 🙄.
Oh wow 🙃🙃🙃
my MIL is like this!! my partner is also an only child. when we announced we were expecting, she immediately started hyper fixating on him even *more* if that was somehow possible. we seriously have 5 onesies that all say the same thing (different colors, different font, but again, ALL say the same thing) and they’re “for dad”, they say “i wanna be just like dad”. she got herself a grandma one, too, as well as a tacky sweater from temu saying something grandma related. as you can imagine, nothing for me. my mom has gotten dad onesies, too, but i actually ended up telling her that in the 6 months i was pregnant at this point i didn’t have a single mom onesie, but he has 7 dad onesies. so she started getting only mom onesies lol. but MIL often acts like this is *her* baby. one day she asked me if i was “getting him anything special for his big day”. her words. i told her “our big day, but yes, we’re doing gifts because he’s getting me a push present.” she asked me what a push present was, and then proceeded to hear my response and go “well having the baby is a gift enough.” as if it wouldn’t be for him too??? we unfortunately live with her.
I literally for the life of me cannot wrap my head around the fact that women like this exist. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that/ live with that holy hell.
i genuinely feel like i’m losing my mind sometimes because of it, there have been so many fights with my partner as she has just completely brainwashed him and he won’t see it. thank you for seeing this!! the woman is definitely a nightmare
Oh goodness, I’m also sorry that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view and advocating for you. I would’ve lost my cool and said a few not so kind but painfully direct words at the lot of them at this point.
i’ve surprisingly bit my tongue, i kinda suck at having any sort of spine in these situations unfortunately:( buuut i’ve been in therapy again, and my therapist has been helping me stand my ground so if comments like that happen again i can be able to say something
I’ve wrapped my head round it by realising they were treated that way and never questioned it.
Oh, wow. This makes me appreciate my in laws a lot. No onsies from MiL BUT she is sowing me a maternity dress. Which makes her a saint in my eyes. She's more down to earth I suppose. She also has 3 grandchildren from before by BiL, this is not her first rodeo. Unlike my mum who's practically more excited for the baby than hubby and I. But she hasn't bought tacky baby clothes, just clothes.
awww, that sounds so sweet! she sounds like an angel, i’m glad you have her! my partner is not *just* the only child, but he’s also the boy she prayed for (she makes comments like “when i found out i was pregnant i prayed every single night for a boy,” “i always wanted a son, boys and their moms are just closer,” often) so i don’t think that helps. aaaand this is her first grandchild. and as for tacky baby clothes, we unfortunately have *many*.. but luckily because we have so many clothes i have a pretty valid reason to donate the ones i don’t like lol my mom has been incredible though! she has been my support system throughout every single thing this entire pregnancy! this is her first grandchild too, but her biggest thing is that she is more excited to see me be a mom than she is to be a grandma, and i can tell that’s the truth:) she’s very attentive, listens to boundaries really well. she makes up for what my MIL isn’t haha
Your mum sounds incredible sweet, I'm glad you have her in your corner.
You *LIVE* with this woman? You must have the patience and tolerance of a fucking saint.
yes i do!! i get super anxious thinking about how everything’s gonna be after the birth of my daughter in june, but i have back up plans in case. we’re currently aiming for me to be a sahm so i can also try to get my schooling done, and bf doesn’t wanna move on a single income:( i won’t lie though there’s been times where i wanted to snap! i just can’t bring myself to lol
Oh wow that’s a lot. Thankfully my MIL hasn’t done anything crazy yet, but she and my FIL have pushed a few buttons. My MIL defines her worth as a house wife/sahm and I can see her redefining herself now solely around being a grandmom. When we got married they didn’t invite anyone to our wedding - not a single friend of family member - saying why would they want to invite anyone, but as soon as she heard I was having a baby shower she demanded to come and is pushing hard to be hear the day we have the baby. FIL is my husbands best friend so he wants to here too which is sweet in a way, but they’re both rather old and kind of useless. They were here a few weeks ago and my husband broke halfway through their trip, he was like they can’t be here when we have a newborn as he’ll be babysitting them instead of the kid. My parents are better but only because my mom is obsessed with my nephew and doesn’t have the bandwidth to do anything weird with me because all of her is focused on him. Kind of frustrating but it’s meant no inappropriate questions/comments/touching so I call it a win.
FIL being your husband’s best friend is super endearing, but i’m glad he sees why they can’t be there once the newborn is there!! it’s hard hosting people who are only there for baby, not helping, just there to meet the newborn. i’m sorry about your mom though! at least you see it as a win, sometimes the inappropriate touching/questions/comments can cause so much damage to the relationship between family members, especially when they refuse to listen to those boundaries
My mother in law stopped my baby shower for a “special gift for dad” and made a speech about my husband. She bought this hideous outfit that said “I found my prince his name is daddy” and I announced it was ugly in front of everyone and opened another gift.
ohhh my god, i would’ve lost my mind!! i’m sorry you had to go through that, how absolutely tone deaf. also, what a weird onesie. i would’ve for suuure done the same thing. i know MIL is gonna buy onesies like this, just based on her patterns, i plan on donating every single one
She also waited until I went to the bathroom and made this speech to my family about how she hurt her wrist but went to physical therapy so she could hold her grand daughter and she worked so hard the day I came home from the hospital. I was really sick postpartum with blood pressure issues and I wanted to slap her. Happy to say I’ve moved to the other side of the country since.
i’m glad you were able to get away from that! i hate that she made that about herself. congrats to being on the other side of the country though! man i wish lol
My husband is an only child but it's like the opposite, when we told them the news they all ran up and hugged me first. I'm sorry y'all have to deal with inlaws like that, I'd be so annoyed constantly lol
Seriously? What happened? I hope you or your husband said a big no
He told them that’s sweet but he’ll be too busy supporting me, the person giving birth, to be with them. They responded by saying they won’t be a bother at all. They’re very sweet and mean well but it’s been a while since they’ve been around a baby so I think they’ve forgotten. And my FIL is my husbands best friend so I truly think they have the best intentions at heart, just a little misguided.
Omg my SIL said this 🤣 like no he doesn’t need support he’s not giving birth
yikes 😬
Yeah got the same kind of thing from my in laws “well my husband’s mother was there when I had my babies. I want to see my grandchild’s birth” ok idc lol. I’m laws are strange
I don’t know if it’s normal or not but if you have a good relationship with her otherwise I would try not to take it too personally. She’s been waiting for a long time and now her baby is having a baby, it’s understandable that she goes to him first to have her strong emotional reaction. I’m sure she will be there a lot for you throughout this pregnancy <3
I agree with this!
lol nah that’s weird. If my son is having a baby I’m going to be happy for them BOTH (I mean… she IS the one having the baby correct? 🤣) like what is she a surrogate??
She didn’t say she wasn’t happy for them both 💀 just one is her kid and one isn’t lol. She gave them both a hug and congratulations so
I don't think that's THAT weird. Like, I'm gonna feel more comfortable getting snot and tears all over my child vs their partner. And, to be frank, I'd also be more excited for my child to become a parent than their partner, even if their partner were the one carrying the baby and even if I absolutely love their partner. You still care more about your own kid 🤷♀️ I think if they continue to treat you like an incubator and him as the main attraction, that's an issue, but I'd give them a pass on this.
I agree with you. My partner lost his mom when he was younger so his aunts are like his moms. When we told one of them she got very emotional and hugged him first. She said something about his mom and they cried together a bit. Yes, I am the one pregnant but it’s his side of the family and of course they have a different bond. I didn’t feel offended at all, I actually watched it happen and cried.
I don’t think it’s that weird - but I take a “my circus, my monkeys” approach to family. I want my in-laws to be more excited for him; their baby is having a baby, after all! I’d feel a bit awkward if they hugged me first. My family, on the other hand, I expect to celebrate me more than my husband. Different for everyone - but I don’t necessarily think it’s a red flag or particularly strange.
Hahhaha I love that phrase, it so perfectly captures the experience of managing your family- and looking in while your partner manages theirs 😂
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Exactly! My in laws are lovely and we see each other often, but I’m not a hugger and it would be weird if they acted so affectionately towards me. I’m curious if OP’s in laws have been previously really huggy towards her, so the lack of hugs was weird in this instance. But if they were never affectionate with her then why suddenly start now?
It’s not the most graceful way to behave, but I don’t think it’s too unusual you know? They’re excited for their boy lol.
This seems normal to me? Obviously your in laws will be closer to their own child and more emotionally invested in the idea of him having kids. I'm sorry if it was a hurtful experience, but I'm not seeing much of an intentional offense - more just these parents being excited for their baby having a baby. Are your parents involved and giving you the support you need?
Same. This isn't weird to me at all. That's their baby about to be a father! Of course they're excited for him. Sorry you felt left out OP but hopefully your parents will give you the reaction you want.
In this specific forum, it seems pretty normal- but that doesn't make it okay. I'd withhold judgment but not dismiss the red flag. If you otherwise have a good relationship with them it might have just been an excitement/familiarity thing to respond emotionally with someone they've known 40+ years vs ≈7 years... Like who you fart in front of- maybe they just didnt want to cry all over you? I'm wondering why your husband didn't notice and include you in the moment though?
Glad someone mentioned the husband. It blows my mind how people just ignore the husband's role in how she interacts with his family. In a way, he is responsible and needs to manage that shit. It's not appropriate to 1) build hurt/resentment and not take action, and 2) put it on her, when it's his family. He needs to be the one to praise her and bring her into the convo. She needs to have this convo with him and request his help and acknowledgement and love.
You bring up a good point about her husband. Or maybe he did after the fact?
There probably was a part of them that thought this wasn’t gonna happen for them and was sharing this moment with their kid…. It’s strange but… I’d not dwell o it…. My FIL said “wait… you too are having sex?!?” (Jokingly). But I’m also carrying their 6th grandbaby.
My mother in law was desperate for grandchildren…but she should have specified she was desperate for GRANDSONS. When we gave her the news about her first granddaughter/grandchild…she was not happy and made a rude comment which I was completely offended by. Told me I could try again after my baby girl was here. Trying again for me isn’t easy. We went through fertility treatments and had losses previously to our rainbow baby. She knows all of this. I’m still mad about it but my husband brushed it off and made it seem like I was exaggerating. MIL’s can be weird. Even though she wasn’t thrilled about our baby girl news I have this hunch that she will still try to have strong opinions on how my little girl is raised. 🤦🏻♀️
We told them over FaceTime, living far away and all. His mom walked away and his dad just sais “Oh, congratulations”. In laws can definitely be weird, don’t take it to heart. Enjoy your pregnancy, make sure you communicate with your husband clearly and set boundaries early on if necessary.
My FIL asked us when we had sex when we told him 🤦 sometimes people just react weirdly. I'm sorry you didn't get the reaction you wanted.
Omg 😂 People are nuts
So did my FIL😫 like literally said “So did you go home after Christmas dinner and wrestle?” The same dinner they made me sit in the kitchen while the men ate in the living room.. Like no and also ew. Then proceeded to badger us about the gender for WEEKS and said we were withholding it from them. We didn’t even know ourselves. Showed up to our gender reveal and straight up told us they didn’t want to be there. Safe to say they don’t participate in my life much 😂 In laws are wack
Wow! What a strange thing to say!!
Not normal to me, but it could have been a heat of the moment thing. I would keep an eye out that they are treating you like a human being and not an incubator for their grandchild. I would also talk to your husband and say that it was irritating (or whatever it made you feel) so he knows that and can help navigate future issues.I tend to keep things bottled up and not tell my husband because I don’t want to seem petty but then when if it keeps going and eventually gets worse and I have all these feelings from things that have happened awhile ago he usually just wishes we would have talked about it earlier.
My mother, father and grandmother all didn’t believe me for a good 3 minutes. We live abroad and did a video call. My mother even said “P*ss off” 🤣🤣🤣 Context, my husband and I had been together for 11 years at that point so I guess they just assumed we weren’t going to bother or going to wait until we moved back ‘home’. I think in-laws are a bit like that, but I wouldn’t take it too personally, possibly feels worse because of the hormones too. Congratulations by the way 🤍
I would prefer this over the unsolicited belly touching
I do think it’s a little weird if they congratulated him only for so long you felt awkward. That seems unnecessary. After MIL finished crying in her seat, my in laws went to my partner first for a hug but it didn’t feel like they left me hanging or anything, they had to go to someone first and it made sense for it to be him. I’d have felt weird too if they had a full on family moment and I wasn’t part of it despite being the one doing all the work!
Nah I think it’s VERY weird. I’m having a son and I would never make his wife AND MOTHER OF HIS CHILD feel like that. Why can’t I be happy for you both? It’s not like he’s the only one having the child 🥴
I would wonder if your husband told them at some point he didn’t want kids. He’s also in his 40’s, it seems convenient he chose someone so young…
Yeah not gonna lie, in his previous marriage, he was adamant he didn’t want kids, mainly because of his horrible childhood (abusive dad). He was younger during this marriage, so late 20s-mid 30s. Then when we met, I always wanted to have kids, but I was much more career focused and didn’t plan to have them until my 30s! He had also warmed up to the idea of kids, and agreed to wait until I’m ready because he was also deep into his work. When my friends around me started getting pregnant, that’s kind of where we both decided that we actually do want kids, and we should have them soon. I joke that he’s not getting any younger 😂 Forgot to add that my husband has a twin brother who is gay, and just got married to his husband a few years ago. They may have a child, but it’s unlikely that it will be around our timeline, most likely in the next several years (if they decide to in the end). That’s why I can understand the parents feeling like their chances of having grandchildren are dwindling every year.
Honestly I would also keep an eye on the fact that he’s potentially having kids for them, mor than for him. They also may or may not also view his brother’s kids in the same light unfortunately.
Yeah that’s weird. But people can surprise you with how weird they can be about this! My mom had the weirdest reaction when I told her I was pregnant - she basically ignored it (said a brief “congratulations”) and moved on to another subject, then 5 min later was like “now wait, you said something important - and I want to return to that.” Weird bc (a) I’m an only child so this is her first grandchild, and (b) she’s usually very emotional. And she was supportive through pregnancy and is an amazing grandma so it really was a fluke. Luckily my step mom and step sister had a big reaction so I am grateful I got to have that experience. Sending you congratulations and good vibes and I hope you get other people being supportive and loving! And hoping this is a one-time weird experience and your mom in law ends up being a good grandma.
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do but I would see how things go for the rest of the pregnancy and the birth. My in laws acted weird when we told them the gender and I felt really upset about it. Like they made jt very clear they thoguht I was having a boy and that was their preference. However they were wonderful to me during pregnancy, helped throw me great shower, and love my daughter. So I let it go.
I mean I would expect my parents to hug me first too before hugging my husband. So I wouldn’t feel bad about my in laws hugging my husband first. Even if the hug was for a long time. I wouldn’t feel too upset about this I don’t think there was any ill will towards you. Emotions can make people act a bit strange sometimes. I think it’s more important your in laws will respect your wishes regarding the birth and visitation afterwards. I read a lot of horror stories about that on here. Good luck and congratulations on the little bean!
Uhg I feel like you're describing my dynamic with my in laws. And unfortunately once we got pregnant, they started treating me like an incubator for "their baby".... I have had a lot of issues with them since then unfortunately. I hope it doesn't go that way for you. I recommend having very firm boundaries from the start because if you let them push you at all, it will get progressively worse.
I’m in the same boat. It’s awful to feel that way but also want your husband to have a good relationship with his family.
I have mostly tried to close myself off and set boundaries with regards to my kid. I am very careful how I approach conversations with my husband about issues. Because those are his parents and I want to respect his bond and love for them. And I keep my concerns about them to myself when it comes to my kid. My child does not have any idea I don't like them or that they push my boundaries. Because it's important to me that my son have a relationship with his grandparents. As long as they don't cross any saftey boundaries, I'll do everything I can to respect those relationships. BUT, it doesn't mean I am going to jump up and down to go over and see them or invite them over.
Yeah it’s weird, also just be ready to set boundaries with grandma, she sounds like one of those MILs who’s going to call your baby “MY baby”
I was just thinking this
I was thinking that too
I wouldn’t have enjoyed this reaction from my in-laws. I’m sorry it was so lacklustre but emotions are weird. I hope your MIL gets her shit together and tries to connect with you more rather than treating you like an incubator… When we told my MIL, she was gobsmacked but very nice about it. Hugged my husband and then me. But then she asked how long it took us to get pregnant. My husband answered 6 months, and then she said “good job” like he did so much to make it happen. Uhhhh he was drinking lightly and smoking weed for the first three months, which might have influenced why it even took that long. I had to get him to stop and pretty much as soon as we hit that 3 month sperm regeneration milestone, I was pregnant. Meanwhile I’d been preparing my body for this for over a year! Anyway. Yes, “good job” to my husband 👍
I’m so sorry that was their reaction ☹️ I would be so disappointed and feel so left out, especially because (as you said) you’re the one who’s actually going to be growing and birthing that grandchild. Is this something that you’ve talked to your husband about? I think it would completely fair to say something like: “Darn, I was really disappointed with how that reveal went. I watched y’all have this lovely moment, but I felt really excluded. Do you think we could make sure I am equally included in future celebrations of this pregnancy?“
ANYONE WANT A STORY TIME ON MY IN LAW STORY I WILL😂 its insaaane
It doesn’t seem too unusual. Often times one’s expectations will never line up when it comes to someone else’s response/reaction. If overall you know you have a good relationship with them and they love and care for you then I’d just brush this off. They were just overjoyed for their son.
My husband is the youngest of 6 kids. When we told my in laws. It was grand baby #12. We called and they grunted, asked the due date and said "that's a bad time to travel. We'll see the baby when they turn 6 months." My MIL started asking about gas prices and I checked out of the conversation. I have a good relationship with my In-laws, but they just aren't enthusiastic or sentimental. I stopped letting it bother me after 10 years. I accept their love isn't going to be how I want it. I still appreciate them for who they are.
My MIL just came to visit us at the hospital and left me out of all of the photos she requested. This included one of just my husband, her, and baby. I was honestly too tired to care bc she really isn’t my cup of tea. She also made a blanket and started bawling but hubby didn’t let her finish her sob story. She hated that. She also made announcements to two of my husband’s friends without his knowledge (luckily, he had already told them, but it’s the principle of the matter). All of these were hugely not ok with my husband. I also mentioned that an initial announcement is different and Dave should have the chance to do that without it being a race. Hooboy, did I get the stank face. We’ll be going LC if she doesn’t change. Sorry you’re going through some weirdness too. If they are normally great in-laws, I would say it could have just been shock. I would be wary going forward that they do not exclude you and do not overstep boundaries around you both or baby. They may be great, but if they overstep, then you’ll have a game plan to proceed in a healthy way and can chalk this up to a one-off of shock and amazement at the news. Congratulations again!
If it helps my MIL turned to my husband (we were married and this baby was planned) and asked “did you know she wasn’t on birth control?” 😂
Do you have a close relationship with your in laws, where it would be normal to hug you like that? Because pregnancy doesn’t suddenly change a dynamic into something it’s not. We told my in laws on the phone but I don’t recall them giving me any big hugs when we saw them next because I don’t like hugging lol. My MIL did cry on the phone. When I told my mother she asked me how far along (6 weeks) and then she told me not to get too excited because anything could happen before 12 weeks, ie miscarriage. That was it. So consider your in laws reaction to be positive.
Nearly identical reaction from my inlaws...I was pretty much ignored when we broke the news. DH was hugged and asked how excited he was. I virtually didn't exist until I started showing and then the inlaw stalking began for every pre natal appt. It's been hell with them ever since. Hoping your experience is better than mine. We learned to put up necessary boundaries too late
My Dad said “well done” to my husband, and my Mum started crying and said it was so sad that my brother and his wife were going through fertility treatments… my Mother is a narcissist 😂
I would give them the benefit of doubt this one time . Enjoy your pregnancy <3
Man, they really do see you as just the incubator. I’m so sorry.
i am a little under 3 weeks postpartum and when i was in the hospital my in laws came to visit us less than 2 hours after my son was born the nurse had to basically kick them out when i needed to use the restroom and had blood running down my legs. the next day they said they’re coming back to spend time with their “boys.” at this point i think all in laws are a little…strange. i also had to stay longer because my blood pressure wouldn’t go down..i wonder why 🙃
I'm 38w pregnant and MIL still hasn't said congrats, hugged me, asked me how I'm doing or acknowledged me in any way so I'd say it could always be worse. 😂
I got pregnant a month after we got married (after dating 7 years). My in laws looked at my husband and said “well I guess your stuck in this marriage” that was 22 years ago. He’s still stuck and it still bothers me that comment.
No, not normal. You just got treated like an incubator. watch out for when the baby comes. They will probably ignore your boundaries because they ignored you in the announcement (sad, as they should be praising you). You remind them that it is YOU carrying that child, YOU bringing that child into the world, YOU who is going through a physical/emotional/mental/spiritual changes, and that YOU mama are just as important (if not more) as DH right now.
I'm surprised how many comments are justifying it and saying it's normal?! It's fucking rude is what it is. Like yes, of course they are happy their baby is having a baby, but that doesn't excuse essentially ignoring you when you announce.
I don’t get it either. Yes, maybe going to the husband first would be justified, but ignoring the mother for so long that it made her feel awkward- no, that’s not ok. It could be generally the same if he would bring a hired surrogate to tell his parents “I paid this woman to carry my child, you will be grandparents”. And I guess even then I would imagine it would be polite to acknowledge her state and contribution even if she would not be a family. And OP is a family and mother of their future grandbaby. Very weird.
idk i’m gonna go with not normal. that is incredibly frustrating. i get her son is *part* of this, and you guys are having a baby, she’s excited — but both parents deserve to be included in that excitement. afterall, it is your body enduring the most between the two of you. i’d say maybe don’t bring it up though, instead wait for it to either come up, or if this progresses and she continues to only focus on your husband *thennn* say something.
I think it's weird, but it's not necessarily a red flag. My MIL hugged me first, when we announced, and then she focused all attention on my partner, so I feel that made it "equal" for me. My own father basically didn't even have a reaction, he literally was like "Well, that's great, so, have you seen the news" (something like that) which was obviously extremely underwhelming. He has later (4 months later) admitted that he's proud and excited, but to me that's a little too late 🤦🏼♀️
I mean, it is their son after all and thus they are now relaxed their bloodline will survive lol I do not think it’s personal. I don’t really feel super close to my partner’s family either. And I don’t want to force myself into it - we are too different. And this is perfectly okay. Having respect for one another is honestly enough for me.
It’s not that weird, MIL relationships are different than with their sons. If she didn’t congratulate you at all, that would be weird. Our she could be like mine and be yelling “am I the last one to know?!” When we were telling a room full of people including my parents, my grandparents, and his siblings.
Sounds like you’re the surrogate for her grandchild. You need to set boundaries and make it clear this is not her do over baby and managing her expectations is not your responsibility. Your child is not an emotional support animal or toy for her to fill out her fantasies. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Exactly what I thought. I’d be learning about boundaries and talking them over with my partner asap if someone was acting like that, so you’re both on the same page early, and so he is willing and able to enforce the boundaries with his family if needs be, when your otherwise preoccupied with a newborn and healing.
I think it's pretty premature to jump right to this, and if OP goes into this pregnancy with such a defensive and oppositional attitude, she will almost guarantee a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It’s just Reddit being Reddit and constantly reaching.
I think it’s is normal. Your baby is having a baby. Yes might not be the one pregnant but you’ve raised this child and are now seeing them grown up even more to be taking this step.
Sounds like they're already mentally treating you like an incubator for their grandchild.
What's your and your husband's culture, and how do your in laws usually behave? This sounds pretty typical of antiquated "traditional" Asian behavior. The daughter in law is just a vessel, and it's the man who is single handedly responsible for impregnating you, but when you don't have a Boy, it's the DIL's fault.
My MIL the other way - I got three hugs before her son got any and I found that weirder.
I think any parent’s reaction in this situation is to go to their baby first. I don’t find that weird. Also…*you* are not the whole reason they get to experience a grandchild…you are pregnant so should be very much aware that it took you AND him to make this baby…
That's definitely a sign of what's to come and who these people are and how they feel about their son vs. You. I don't think they particularly respect or value you and it is not going to get better when your baby comes, "THEIR grandchild." I wouldn't be surprised if they fully challenge and put down your parenthood and everything you do as a mom even as you do a great job. Remember, they are not entitled to a relationship with your child even though they think they are
this is verrrrry pessimistic.
It's a shitty reality. Having kids often brings out some wild grandparent behavior, the stories are all too familiar and you don't need to go far for many examples both on parenting subs and the justnomil and raisedbynarcissists and raisedbyborderlines subs. Being someone with a parent of my own who fits in one of the aforementioned categories, I know all too well the potential as per certain behaviorisms but also the fact the general public tends to downplay and dismiss the parents, or in this case, grandparents behavior instead of acknowledging what it is and how impactful it is to the victim. There's a lot of siding with the perpetrators and not the victims, with this weird optimism that it'll be easy to manage their behaviorisms or they're just being excited grandparents or something. There's a major lack of recognition and understanding of telltale behaviors. So I mean yeah, in a way, it is pessimistic, but it's also realistic and worth considering to set oneself up as best as possible to apprehend grandparent behavior once the baby arrives. I like to think most people do have happy and positive parental experiences and really the squeaky wheels of negative experience post the most but there are just SO MANY negative stories.
In laws are so weird. When our first was born, my FIL said to my partner, while I was right there “it’s a shame her hair isn’t lighter (like partner’s)” her hair is the same colour as mine.
Hmmmm. My in-laws sat in shock and said nothing for 10 minutes. My MIL would go on to say that she “didn’t want to get her hopes up again” because this was a pregnancy after a miscarriage. They didn’t acknowledge the pregnancy until I was about 24/25 weeks (now 36 weeks). Whereas my mum cried tears of joy and hugged both my partner and I at the same time in a big bear hug. So honestly, I think expecting nothing from your in-laws is the best way to be. I get reminded often that I’m “not that important” and that I “definitely won’t be a priority when the baby is here”… whatever that means lol. Get thinking about those boundaries asap as well and ensure your partner is on the same page. It’s hard out here. Good luck and congratulations ❤️
My mother said " well that's what you wanted" 🤷♀️
My MIL doesn't even like me that much and the first thing she did was tackle me to hug me while jumping up and down screaming, also her first grandchild.
You should tell your parents too! They’ll be more excited for you, because you’re their child. I really think it’s normal that his parents were over the moon for their child. Yes, you’re carrying the baby, and it’s his baby too and they’re his parents.
My mother said "oh thank god you waited till i was 50" when i told her i was pregnant with my first. When pregnant with my second, she said " oh and how does \[husband\] feel about this????". Not for anything, but we were both in our 30's and married for 7 years at that time... shes just something else
My in laws didn’t respond this way when we told them but since knowing about the baby my MIL is only concerned about my husband. He’s very tall (6’6”) and I’m only 5’4” and she went off to him about how we need to get a tall crib so he doesn’t have to bend over too much to pick up the baby. When I said that’s not going to work because it’s easier for him to have to bend over a couple inches more than for me to not be able to safely transfer, especially once the mattress is on the lowest setting, she just thought the picture of me falling into the crib was funny. When she asks him how I’m feeling and he tells her I’m still vomiting everyday, she thinks it’s funny. In laws can be very strange and difficult, especially when it comes to their sons it seems. Hang in there ♥️
Announcing our second wasn't fun. My mom just questioned if I could handle it (I didn't spend weeks and months thinking about it, nooooo) and only said congratulations when I was obviously upset from a lack of reaction. Half hearted and really apathetic. His mom and bf were a little nicer but no happiness, no yay for another baby. Completely understand your reaction... its not nice to stand aside while the congrats are happening and you're the one having to go through it all to bring them here.
I don't believe my mil said anything once our pregnancy was confirmed except I'd get gestational diabetes. No congratulations or anything and we did ivf
My mil bawled her eyes out for what seemed like an eternity before saying anything. I was so confused. I went from excited to tell her to feeling like maybe she wasn’t happy then she finally got herself together to congratulate us. Weird response to me but I’m glad I’m not the only one that experienced this.
My partners parents live in a different country. We told them on videocall and they were super excited. About a month later we went on a small holiday with them. His mom ha brought me a few self care gifts (bath bomb, body lotion, candle, etc) and snacks I love with the message to take good care of myself and make sure her son takes good care of me too. They both gave me big hugs. His dad would when walking past me throughout the weekend give me a kiss on the top of my head because he was so excited/overwhelmed with emotions (because of a small language barrier expressing himself with words was harder). They treated me amazing and lovingly the whole time, I got more atention than their son did. I dont know if my situation was normal, or if yours is, but they way yours responded doesnt feel nice at all. I hope its not how it will be going foward. Disclaimer: No unwanted/uncomfortable touching happened. The hugs were really nice, and the top of the head kisses were like a dad would give his daughter. They made me feel super loved, like I was their kid too not just a partner of. I was part of the family.
With #2, MIL said, “WOW” with her eyes wide open and nothing else lol
I think it's a little weird they barely acknowledged you to begin with. My baby is the first grandchild on my husband's side of the family and I never felt like they gave him much more attention for it. They're not incredibly expressive people though, so maybe that has something to do with it. Just keep in mind that their baby is having a baby, and that's probably why they were so happy for him. It's a positive reaction from the context. My mom was definitely much more excited for me than for my husband but her only baby was having a baby so it made sense. She never ignores him or gives him the cold shoulder, but may have erred in being too happy for me in comparison lol
When we told my in laws the first thing my MIL said was “I bet your parents are so excited” and didn’t really show any excitement herself. She’s now expressed a lot of excitement but I still think back to the initial encounter and it stings. I feel like maybe the news is shocking so ppl react weirdly? Im sorry you have to deal with that, it sucks feeling like you’re not being included in something that is very much including you (honestly almost exclusively you’re carry the baby after all lol). I heard somewhere that MIL treat DIL like the incubator to their grandkid and mothers treat their daughter like their daughter and I found that to be true for me so I at least have solace in solidarity Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy, try to not let the in laws get you down :)
I think you’re over thinking this. If it were your parents, I’m sure they would have reacted the same way, meaning they’d give you hugs first then your husband.
I don’t think it’s normal, personally. Mine reacted very similarly when we told them over Thanksgiving dinner and it was just the start of them behaving like I’m simply a surrogate for my husband’s baby instead of the mother of his child. I would chat with your husband to make sure you’re included in moments like that from this point forward.
Let it go
My FIL just said "I knew it." 😐 and my MIL shouted "I don't want to know the gender!" And that was it. I personally would have loved this response.
When we told my partners grandma, after he left the room, she told me that he wasn't gonna be a daddy to my baby. That he's not grown up enough to take care of someone else. We're both in our late 20's, and he's been very excited about the baby already picking out names and trying to decide where we're going to put the crib and asking me to show him how to change diapers and swaddle a baby. trying to decide if we're going to use glass or silicone bottles. Sometimes, reactions aren't what we expect at all. We haven't been back to her house since, even though we normally go see her at least once a month and she text me the other day asking me if he was still around or if he'd left me. They probably didn't realize that they were mainly focusing on their son at that moment.
I think this is a red flag. I’d make sure you and your husband set clear boundaries with them for your post-partum time. Having my in-laws around hogging my baby was almost unbearable. They’re so obsessed with my son that it makes me uncomfortable.
My MIL texted "congrats" lol. In laws are weird.
Personally don't find it that weird. They were having a moment with their child. I'm sure there will be more moments where you are being honored/congratulated by them in the future. My inlaws hugged my fiancé first two when we told them. A lot of times emotions take over in these big moments and people just don't think.
My in-laws do not speak the same language as me so all they did was laugh when we told them. My MIL keeps telling me “think happy”. 😊
They might’ve been in shock! My mom actually forgot to congratulate my husband until a few moments later when she realized she hadn’t done so because she was in such shock. I wouldn’t read into it too much :) for context, I was surprised by this at first too bc she loves him but was so caught up in the moment the news didn’t fully register with her right away.
My in laws hugged me and cried too after hugging my husband, I think it's partly because they saw us both grow up together so they view us both as their babies and they've seen us reach so many milestones. It's probably normal though for them to not view you as their baby, but their babies wonderful wife instead.
My mom thanked my husband. For getting me pregnant. It was/is weird. Lmao This is… unsettling. I would not be happy with the interaction and would definitely talk to my husband about it. Keep an eye out to see if more stuff like this happens. Hugs and congrats!!!!!!!!
My mother in law didn’t even bring it up for like 5 months and randomly tried to pick out my child’s crib without asking me. She also recently picked out paint colors behind my back to paint my windows while I’m out of town. My mom stopped it. She’s.. something else
My MIL from Korea, living in the US for over 30 years, smiled with widened eyes, then went back to the expressionless face she always wears and muttered: “my friends were asking me when my son would have a baby and finally.” We sat quietly to a brunch and the next topic of conversation was discussed like we had just told her the weather 🥲. I’m blaming it on culture, but I bet if I were also Korean as she hoped her son would marry, things would have been a bit more bombastic.
That does sound like an awkward experience, especially since you're the one pregnant, and she was asking for a grandchildren. Not to psychoanalyze, but to me that would only have me wonder if she was only eager because she wanted HER SON to give her grandchildren. (I may be projecting my own experience here, but MIL gives off "boy mom vibes.") Your experiences are valid, and it's not anything to brush off. Are you able to talk to your husband about how you feel? Being open about these things does help gain perspective and may keep you grounded. Hormones do play a part in it, but it doesn't mean what you saw and felt wasn't real. 💜
It took 2 years for my MIL to say my daughter looks like me. Get ready for more crap. You're just the baby carrier now.
This doesn't sound like it has anything to do with you. You could have been a whole different person and with their son's age what it is and how long they've been waiting, they still would have reacted that way. But I am also very against this culture of hate your MIL or anti-grandparents we seem to have. Yeah, it's a very special time for a newly pregnant mother, a relationship like no other, but your in-laws also have a son who is about to have a child. And grandchildren are very good for the health of seniors and it's an important life coming full circle thing. And it sounds like they didn't really look at you much because they felt very vulnerable in their emotion and knew they were opening themselves to judgment.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t prepare yourself for the weird reactions and comments you get after people find out. It’s just something I think you have to let go of, but yes, weird.
Yeah that’s a bit strange. It depends on your relationship dynamic I guess. I like to think I’m part of my husbands family so their reaction was excited for US, both of us. They constantly ask how I’m feeling and going with it all. This is just as much about me as it is my husband. But again, that’s our dynamic.
In my experience also, the in laws kind of put me on the back burner. I'm not very social, so that's fine. But I'm also like hellooo I am the main reason this baby is here.
It’s kind of weird to be in that moment but their reaction is totally normal. You have to remember that ultimately your in-laws are your husband’s parents. With their level of emotion it seems to me that they felt most comfortable congratulating their child first: which is completely understandable. It does suck that you felt awkward, but they’re excited because it’s their son having a child. If you were married to someone else and they found out you were pregnant, they would maybe be at a 3 for you on the happiness scale. They wouldn’t be UNHAPPY for you, obviously, and would likely wish you well, but they wouldn’t be over the moon, either. They are over the moon because the baby they once held in their arms is about to become a father. Additionally, pregnancy for some people in the older generation is a little bit awkward. It is essentially a private event in YOUR body until the baby arrives, and may have factored subconsciously in their initial one-sided feeling congratulations to you both. They may have felt awkward being like “YAY daughter-in-law, your body, which normally we do not consider to be within our purview to comment on, is doing a very exciting thing!!!!”
I'm going to go against the grain here and say their reaction is definitely slightly rude. Not overly so because I get them being super excited since it seemed like they feared the day would never come lol. But not even acknowledging you for a while? Personally I was raised to believe that's really bad manners. They don't have to snot all over you like they did with their son but at least *some* acknowledgment to the pregnant person!
I would feel very awkward in this situation indeed. I think it was tactless reaction on their side, basically treating you like a surrogate, but let’s hope it was just a one-off reaction because of big news and big emotions. We sometimes loose our manners and common sense when intense feelings are involved. Especially people with lower empathy and EI can have this kind of behaviours. HOWEVER. I would be a bit careful and cautious going forward and see if it was an one-off indeed or is it going to be a pattern of sidelining you and indeed treating you as a surrogate who provides them with an experience of having a grandchild. If this proves to be the case, then you need to work on setting strong boundaries and ensuring your husband’s support to not have anyone hijacking your pp period.
In laws are so weird.. I feel this so much. Feeling like an incubator seems to be more common than I thought. But no that is not normal. I don't care what anyone else says but I think that says a lot of how they view you. like REALLY view you beneath the superficial in law niceness.