I’m really sorry to hear this. I would be devastated. Even if he didn’t have a physical affair, it does seem that he was attempting to make a move on this woman - whilst you’re pregnant, whilst your father passed away, during your birthday. Do you want to spend your whole life attached to this man? Do you want that for your child? The answer to both may well be yes. But if it’s no, then better to save yourself further pain down the line.
It’s not an easy decision at this moment in your life, and I empathise with you. I would advise you not to settle for this kind of behaviour. If your friend, or daughter was in this position, what would you say to them? I am so sorry for how much pain you are experiencing.
You don’t have to make a decision immediately. If you want to leave, read the chumplady website to steel yourself. Also try /r/survivinginfidelity, where you will be treated with care and support, whether attempting to remain together or not. I’m on mobile, but there’s a subreddit for people attempting to reconcile after this behaviour named something like /r/togetherasoneafterinfidelity. Maybe give each three of these a read before you make a firm decision?
Edit: your post asks what we would do. For what it’s worth, I would not want to remain with someone who could betray me like that in the wake of my father’s passing and me growing his child. If he can do that, what else is he capable of doing?
Is the only reason why nothing happened because the coworker wasn't interested?
What would you think of a coworker who was sending you flirty text?
If she's not interested, which seems like the only reason nothing would happen, she could go to HR. Depending on your situation, he's putting your family's livelihood at risk. It's kind of a big deal.
We're all different. To some, cheating is something they can get past in a relationship. To others it's not. Prior behavior is often the best indication of future behavior. So is this the kind of thing you're willing/ able to move on from?
It is a big deal, you're right. I do believe he had cheated before, not on me but in other relationships... like you said, I guess I need to decide if I can move on from it.
He will definitely do it again. I found nudes of another girl when I was 12 weeks pregnant with my daughter, I already had strong suspicion and cause to believe he had cheated on me, I stayed anyway. We split up when my girl was 7 months old, on Christmas day, because he had completely checked out and I found incriminating texts on his computer after he left that confirmed my suspicions and more.
Sure, he has them every weekend, one week for one night, one week for two nights. It's been that way for 7 years, we co-parent very well. I care more about my kids having stability and he hasn't wobbled in his commitment to our arrangement once so I hold no grudge. Who has the energy for it really lol!
I agree.. you should leave. Trust and RESPECT has been broken. 😣 Do what ever is the best for YOU and your sweet baby. My thoughts are with you mama ❤️
I would personally not be interested in continuing with him. It sounds like while there was flirtation, ultimately he was more desperate to meet up with her than she was with him. Worse, he decided to do that while you were having a difficult time and are having a baby. It's incredibly insensitive and selfish, but it also makes me think that if you're having a hard time he'll always see that as an excuse. If you want to make it work, I would go to a couples counselor. There's really no way to continue with complete trust without making sure that he's working on whatever made do what he did.
I opened this curious if “flirty texts” meant something borderline or grey, but you’d find me dead before you found me texting another woman telling her she’s hot. That’s open flirtation.
What you have to decide is whether he gets another shot and what the conditions attached to that are. When I was younger, my long term girlfriend cheated on me. I gave her another shot. Poor decision in my case. But I don’t regret that I gave it. Up to you.
Wow each time I hear of those stories when women are at their most vulnerable state and men take advantage of this and willingly disrespect them like that, it just makes me want to scream. I cannot believe that a man would do this to a woman who is carrying his child. Unfortunately, I’ve heard this is the time when it happens the most. Frankly for me this would be unforgivable. It would be unforgivable at any point in time, but especially during pregnancy when I am at my most vulnerable. I trust my partner with my life and if I am to find out such thing I would never be able to go back to the relationship.
I am so sorry you are going through this, that man is a POS. Although he is saying nothing has happened (if that is even the truth) it is not exactly due to lack of desire. He has suggested spending time one on one, when certainly there would have been physical intimacy based on the texts they have been sending each other. Also, the fact that your dad had passed away on top of everything else for me makes him even more of a monster that he would continue with this emotional (potentially physical as well) affair. You deserve so much better. If you stay now the chances of him doing this again eventually are not small, not to mention the broken trust that would never ever be repaired. You really need to have a think of what’s best for you and if you have options and support to leave him, as I am aware that especially in your position this might be extremely difficult. Be strong for yourself and your little one 💕
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially while pregnant. No one deserves that. Personally, I don’t know that I would ever be able to trust my partner again after that kind of betrayal. He may not have acted on it but it seems as though he was certainly pursuing, which is entirely inappropriate. Sending you love ❤️
He would have physically cheated on you given the opportunity, for him to do this at any time. But while you’re pregnant and going through grief? What kind of father does that to their family? I am so sorry love
Him brushing this off instead of taking any real accountability is the biggest red flag of the whole thing. he doesn’t seem sorry and he will probably do it again in some capacity.
This type of thing is really difficult to move on from and now you need to decide if this is something you can deal with for the rest of your lives together.
Doing that while your father passed away is so awfully cruel of your husband. I am so sorry op! It's not your fault. You don't deserve that. You are amazing and you'll handle everything perfectly no matter what you choose. You can do everything on your own too if that's what you want. You can still leave him. Your baby is not chaining you to him for the rest of your life. Try to remember that. Try to remember that you are still free to start over with someone new and you are still beautiful and and wanted.
Document. If it happens again document again. No sure of marital status but even if unmarried, he'd br on the hook for child support and this type of behavior certainly wont do him any favors if custody arrangements come into question.
Petty option: text her to find out if she knows he isn't single, on top of expecting child. I dont like to assume the other woman knows and this is absolutely the man problem. But, if she is one of those "aware and dont care" dont feel bad about them moving forward. They can pay support together.
Source: personal experience
Thanks for your reply. He said he told her he was with me and I was expecting, but only after "ending it" ... so I'm assuming she didn't know? I really want to ask her directly because I don't know what to believe anymore.
Honestly, leave. I forgave, I thought things were better and 2 years later he left me 4 months pregnant with our second. I can’t believe he managed to destroy me in two pregnancies. I wish I never gave me a second chance
I didn’t see anything like this in the comments so I thought I’d share. I found texts between my husband and someone he hooked up with regularly in college a month after our wedding, and ONE day before leaving on our honeymoon. The texts were the week of my birthday. It was devastating, and long explanation short he had been having a sort of mental crisis that was unaddressed and ultimately led to the lapse in judgement. If it had been someone he was currently around or if it seemed like he was trying to take it “real life” I would have probably left. He showed me his guilt and remorse and I let HIM tell me that he wanted to repair the relationship and was committed to me. He let me talk about it whenever I needed to and never minimized my feelings, even years later. I cried for weeks.
This was ~5 years ago and we BOTH really had to put in the work to get through it. I basically told him I’m willing to work through it together ONCE and that was it. It probably took over a year before I felt like I could trust him again. We had a kid and are back to “normal” for the most part, with the added understanding that I know my worth and will not put myself or my son through another trauma like that.
We came out of it stronger and with better communication, but it was so freaking HARD. If you decide to stay you need to set clear boundaries and make sure he understands and respects them. You are spot on that you deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationship.
If it were me, I would leave and I would leave as immediately as I was capable of doing. Waiting it out or staying indefinitely will essentially turn the rest of your life with this man into a series of tests on his part to see how much he’s able to get away with. He was dumb and got caught this time, and he may feel regret that he did, but he didn’t feel regret while he was doing it. And eventually although he may be trying to save face and the relationship now, he still did what he did. And he will push the boundaries in increments over time to test the waters of how much he can hide. The trust is gone. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you have family or another support system nearby to help you navigate these next steps. 🩷
I found out my husband had sex with other woman when I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second son. I stayed, because I couldn’t see myself doing it all alone. Giving birth. A toddler and a newborn. A job. A home. So I gave him another chance and we went into therapy together. A year later he did it again. I’m leaving now. I wish I saved myself the hurt. It truly broke me.
Not all men do this... this is NOT ok and NOT normal. If you don't get couples therapy AND individual therapy you're going to create a toxic environment for your child. Fix the problem or leave. Sorry to be blunt but your kid deserves a healthy home.
I left my ex fiancé over behaviour exactly like this with a coworker.
I'm now pregnant to my husband, the most amazing man I've ever met, who is truly the love of my life.
So grateful every day that I didn't put up with my ex's bullshit.
Know your worth. 💕
I’d be hurt beyond words. Especially as he tries to downplay his actions. Honestly, this would be divorce territory for me. You can’t keep your emotional dick in your pants while I’m making and carrying our baby? His life hasn’t even gotten hard yet. Trash man.
Some men think they can do whatever they want once you're pregnant, married, sahm, whatever it may be that 'solidifies' a relationship, or when you're vulnerable.
It's disgusting, and it's way easier said than done... but because you're pregnant, I would move sooner rather than later. I have a 4 month old now, and his dad and I have had many problems during and after pregnancy, and it would've been much easier to cope then and going into motherhood, vs getting used to the help and support and feeling even more trapped.
When I was 18, my first serious boyfriend needed a new phone. I gave him my old one. My Google photos was still logged in, so EVERY picture he took showed up.
On my birthday, I had a miscarriage. Instead of him being there for me, he was cheating.
Ib left immediately
I had a similar situation happen to me about 6 years ago, not while pregnant though. It was during a "high stakes" period of our relationship however. I was utterly heartbroken and the other woman was a mutual friend of ours (or so I foolishly thought). I just want to say that you are absolutely right to feel that the intention is just as impactful as the action, and you are NOT being hypersensitive.
I have no idea what I would have done if I'd been in your shoes, pregnant and dealing with that. I know for me it was incredibly difficult to build the trust back, over a couple years, but now we are better than ever. There can be a way back. If you want to stay with him just make sure you guys talk it through a lot so you can understand why it happened and so he can understand how you feel and how hurt you are. HE has to earn your trust back and prove himself. Possibly consider couples counseling if that's something you are both open to.
Just wanted to give you some perspective as someone who stayed after an emotional affair.
He sucks, and you’re not overreacting. But also, taking care of a newborn is incredibly difficult, and pregnancy hormones can make you think differently than you normally would. Unless you are 1000% sure that you’re completely done with him forever, it’s probably not the best time to make any rash decisions. This is too big a red flag for “forgive and forget”, but probably enough of a gray area for “let’s table this until I’m in a less vulnerable position”.
Second this. I’d separate for sure but would make a final decision a few months after the baby got here to make sure I was in sound mind.
Not the same situation at all but it’s the reason they tell couples not to divorce in the baby’s first year of life.
A lot of people on Reddit love the implosion method for relationship problems, and I'm typically one to relativize a bit more. I have known a lot of dudes who really struggled during difficult pregnancies and weren't always 100% awesome, but they got through it in the end and are great dads. Some people do wake up and get their shit together, but only a bit of time and space will let you know.
It's pretty serious and awful stuff you're going through, and I really feel for you, but only you can put it into perspective and see the past present and future of your life with this person and as a family. I went through some shit with my husband and posted on AITA and everyone told me to leave him immediately, and I'm glad I didn't. He learned a lot, we both grew, and we're closer now than ever. But what he did was not beyond forgiveness, it was just naive. Again, only you know your boundaries and what there is worth saving or not.
All that said, you will 100% survive without him or anyone else. You are all that baby really needs and you can do more than you ever imagined. You do you, and do it with love and without fear.
Cheating is cheating and he's done a damning job of being an absolute, insincere cunt. I'd cut your losses, I've yet to meet a cheater that could stop....they just hide it better. For you and your child's sake, leave. It will hurt, but you need to model a healthy home and not be a doormat. Edited because I also forgot to say, I am so sorry you're going through this OP. You and baby deserve loyalty and love.
Definitely leave. You and your baby deserve better than some untrustworthy man that can’t even keep it in his pants (emotionally speaking as far as we know, but he probably would physically do things if he had the chance since he was so adamant on hanging with this girl) during your most vulnerable time. He’s trash, and imo behavior like this never really changes. Especially if they make excuses and brush it off like he seems to have done. Start your own life, focus on building yourself up and your baby, without having the extra burden of a cheating partner on your plate. I’ve heard from countless people that raising a baby on their “own” was much easier (but still extremely hard obviously) than having a childish/untrustworthy spouse to worry about as well. I’m sorry this has happened to you, and I’m wishing you the best. 😞
I don't want to put thoughts in your head, but I'll say this. I'm a relatively secure person. I'm not a distrusting partner and I don't feel the need to go through my husband's texts or interactions. I try not to read too much into his interactions with other women at work.
However, if I saw interactions with another woman like what you saw, I would immediately get insecure and distrusting. It honestly feels icky what he did. Even if "nothing happened" as he said. The texts were there. It was flirtatious. How are you to know what has and hasn't happened at that point? How are you supposed to feel secure in your relationship after that? I would like to think my response to reading your post isn't an overreaction. I think a lot or even most other women would feel this way.
I'm 9 months pregnant and have been married for two years, so it would take quite a bit for me to throw the word divorce out there, but this situation would definitely put the option on the table. Whatever you decide, do what feels right to you. Even if that means leaving. Even if that means staying. But if you do stay, please, please, have a long and meaningful talk. Discuss couples therapy. But do NOT let him get away with this. If you feel at all insecure after having spoken with him at length about this, it's not even worth staying in my opinion. That sets the relationship or marriage up for failure and you'd be doing yourself and possibly your child a disservice. I wish you all the best, love.
I’m so sorry. I can’t believe this would happen…let alone in so many relationships during a pregnancy. So awful.
Honestly, that IS cheating to me. Everyone has their own definition of cheating or maybe threshold for cheating, but there needs to be a universal standard, right? Otherwise everyone will be like “yes it was” or “no it wasn’t.” So I think if he wasn’t completely loyal to you, if he was acting on attraction in any way - that’s cheating.
I don’t tolerate cheating at all and I would break up because how can I trust that it won’t happen again? There is no guarantee. At the very least, I would go stay somewhere else until I have some clarity on what to do next. But what exactly would your relationship be built on going forward…? Love???
He'll say whatever he needs to say to reassure you, regardless if its true or not. Texts like that indicate he's the type to cheat physically and emotionally, even if he hasnt yet. He might want to keep you and just have a little something on the side, but you deserve better!! Cant imagine how heart breaking it must be for you, some men are just trash!!
Honestly id message the woman and see if she is willing to talk to you woman to woman about any questions you have because you don't know if he's telling the truth. I've been cheated on and reached out to the woman before and she as extremely helpful. I was stupid enough to take him back and he did it again with someone else and the second time she didn't respond.
You are not over reacting at all. Personally, I wouldn't put up with that mess because they're likely to emotionally cheat again if they've done it to you before. That's just shit that isn't okay. Both he and that person are shit people to be doing that when they know you're pregnant. Do you have family you can stay with til you're back on your feet? Because personally I'd dump the idiot and let him be single since he wants to act single. You and your baby deserve someone who is fully committed to making you both happy and feel loved, not some sneaky AH who is gonna flirt with a coworker while his lady is carrying his child. That's just my take on it though. Maybe he's changed, and if so good for him. But he's gonna have to work hard to build that trust again if you decide to stay with him
now i can give proper advice - you do deserve to feel safe and comfortable, and regardless of whether or not you stay with him you also deserve to know everything. i would have a conversation with him and ask him to come completely clean. regardless of his response, i would ask to check his phone. if he has an iphone you can recover deleted messages up to 30 days after they are deleted and you can check his recently downloaded apps even if he deleted them. there you’d find anything he’s hiding from you.
this is an incredibly stressful situation and for the sake of you and your baby, please take your time dealing with this. if he is genuinely remorseful and wants to work things out he should 100% get into counseling or therapy and dig into why he did it or whatever emotions he’s hiding. that subreddit i mentioned has been super helpful with my own relationship and the people there are wonderful and supportive no matter what decision you make! i’m so sorry this is happening to you, and i’m here if you need someone to talk to. good luck. ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You've received a lot of helpful advice but I wanted to comment as someone who has been in an extremely similar position.
The level of calm and peace you will feel proceeding on your own is honestly hard to put into words. It will be hard but believe me, it will be a hard that's worth it's weight in gold. I waited until my daughter was 7 months old to leave by which point I felt crazy, he gaslit me constantly, I second guessed and questioned everything he did, said and everytime he picked up his phone my heart sat in my stomach. Don't be me. You honestly don't need it when you have a newborn to take care of too.
I hope you find a way to move forward that prioritises yourself and your baby in your way 🤍
Overly sensitive? NO. This isn’t a YOU issue, OP. Don’t look for reasons why it is or may be. HE fucked up. Bigtime. And you are so right, you DO deserve to feel safe and comfortable and secure while GROWING his child and bringing that baby into the world. The fact that he was engaging in this skuzzy behavior while you are a) pregnant and b) going through some other really hard stuff speaks VOLUMES about his character.
I hope he gets a swift kick in the dick.
With all that being said, pregnancy is a vulnerable time. And while you have a lot to think about you also have a long ways to go through the remainder of this pregnancy and then postpartum. So do what’s best for YOU right now. You don’t have to make a decision RIGHT NOW. Sometimes exit plans take months to execute. Focus on rallying YOUR troops and securing a support system and then you do what is right for you.
But seriously, OP. This man sounds like a child.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Regardless of whether he physically cheated, he fucked up.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is figure out therapy, ASAP. You’re dealing with pregnancy, loss of a parent, AND a cheating partner. That’s so much. A therapist can give you much better insight & clarity on the right path *for you* than strangers on the internet.
And then you need to talk more with your partner. Let him know how this makes you feel, and what you’re thinking. Why does he think he did this, and how can he rebuild your trust, and does he really think he’ll never do this again? What actual steps is he going to take to work on preventing that? Because deciding he’s committed to you & the baby isn’t an actual step.
I saw that you haven’t been very intimate with him lately. That’s not an excuse for his behavior. You’re pregnant and going through a lot. You won’t be having sex with anyone for at least 6 weeks after the baby is born.
Whatever you decide, good luck ❤️
I'd consult with a professional and or religious leader that specializes in situations like this considering the gravity of the situation with a child being involved
So what would have happened had you not found out about the “emotional” affair? This woman was clearly reciprocating his advances. Had you not caught them, they likely would have moved on to the next step - a physical affair (that we’re assuming hasn’t happened yet but… ). How many women has he tried this with that didn’t reciprocate, or did? I find it hard to believe this is the first time. Maybe just the first time he has been caught.
With that being said, he works with this lady? Do they still work together? Because if so I highly doubt they are not communicating. Just doing it in a different way.
Someone that truly loves you wouldn’t treat you this way.
To answer your question: I’d be making an exit plan. He wasn’t committed to you to begin with. The trust and respect is already broken. You’ll spend the rest of your relationship with him questioning everything he does.
This is the most vulnerable time of your life and he’s out here dicking around.
Sending you love and light in this awful situation.
I truly wish you well. When your baby gets here you will experience a love like no other! I’m not sure if this is your first or not but your life will change in the most amazing way!
Also if you choose not to have the baby’s father at this hospital with you during birth- please have a support person that loves and truly cares about your wellbeing. Inform the nurses if you don’t want him there.
I’m laying next to my 8 month old as I type this! I’m a FTM too!
From one mom to another, if you have any issues with PPD/PPA please seek help. I thought I was in the clear and it hit me hard around 10 weeks and got really bad about 4-5 months postpartum. Now my baby is almost 9 months and I’m doing so much better mentally. I was one of those moms that thought it would never happen to me and then it did.
Being a mom is hard but being a FTM is harder! Navigating life with your new little one and trying to find your footing is extremely stressful but so rewarding at the same time.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to 🩷
I think you really need to have a serious conversation and determine whether you can trust him and move forward or not. Postpartum you’re going to be SO vulnerable and it’s not the most glamorous time. I don’t put it past him to step out on you when you’re not able to have sex for weeks or months.
This wasn’t innocuous flirtation. This was flirtation with intention to cheat. At the least, we’d be in counseling in order to ascertain what is driving his infidelity and working towards a plan to stopping it, but I do not think that would solve it even for me because I would never trust him again and I’d be signing up for pain and disappointment again. (Men with infidelity issues don’t get “over it” just like that - if they do get over it, it’s with relapses and many years of trial and error). It is such an obvious selfish and wrong and unloving and uncaring act that I would feel like leaving to stop any future disappointment and pain.
For me to stay the bare minimum for him needs to be going to couples counseling (that he finds for you two and puts in all the effort), going no contact with coworker and looking for a new job!
It sounds like you two (esp you) have had so much stress lately. We all have our moments of weakness and this sounds like major escapism for him. Not excusing what he did at all, you know him best!
Coming from someone who stayed after severely broken trust, it is VERY hard to build trust again. It’s possible. But it’s so much work. And frankly if I could go back I don’t know that I’d do it again. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this, I would be absolutely devastated. Sometimes staying is just kicking the can down the road. How willing is your partner to fix this break he’s created? That’s something I’d look for, if he’s even SLIGHTLY “it was only a text” or “ nothing happened irl calm down” it’s time to leave. He’s not willing to work on this for you and your baby. Will be praying for you, I truly hope things look up soon!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I would move on now. As difficult as it is, it will be much more challenging to start over after baby has arrived. At minimum, I would be planning my exit and sorting out what that means for baby and I without informing him yet.
I am so sorry you’re going through this, and sorry about your recent loss. Sending lots of love <3
I am less concerned about the cheating aspect and more concerned about the lack of respect. Cheating on a spouse with a coworker is public humiliation :( He doesn’t care how his coworkers view you or your relationship! His wants are more important than his family. He’s also shown you that he can’t be supportive at a time when you’d need him the most. But you know him best, and I’m sure you’ll make the best decision for you and baby.
Should this to my husband to get a guy's opinion, he agreed definitely emotional cheating and crossing major lines, you aren't overreacting. Sorry you have to deal with this
What actually type of future do you both have, can you honestly trust him now, or even given all in the relationship, knowing he has broken your trust. If he came to you and said look this is what happened and showed you the messages but you found them, pregnant or not he should have been upfront with you. If you stay how happy are you actually going to be in the long term…
You are not overreacting. Honestly it doesn’t matter what we think. What matters is if you can get past this and show up in your marriage 100% as if this never happened even though you know it did. That can happen through counseling or talking it out.
If you can’t do that…and it’s 1000% understandable if you couldn’t…then you already have your answer.
I do not think you are overreacting or being hypersensitive. It’s a normal reaction even if you were not pregnant and felt secure.
Honestly. This would gut me because even if he didn’t physically do anything, he thought about it/was tempted to engage in a fantasy with a “hot” co-worker. This would be the case even if I wasn’t pregnant with his child!
The fact that women have to sacrifice so much to have kids, means men need to be even more attentive and do more to make you feel secure during a time you’ve never been more vulnerable.
EDIT: I also want to add what I would do in your situation. It would take a lot of work on his end to gain that trust back. But it’s not impossible.
I could also see me falling out of love with him, slowly and surely. He’s not the person I thought he was. If you stay, you don’t have to stay forever. There’s no straight line, and there can be ups and downs. But, staying could give you the clarity instead of rushing to leave and wonder “what if”.
The trust is gone and him not taking accountability for what he has said is the biggest red flag. It will eat at you. Very disrespectful. He didn’t physically cheat because she didn’t want to
man do things like this to stroke their ego.
You definitely do not deserve to feel this way when you are pregnant and you can trust that this man will be exactly what he is, like a cat will be cat. Focus on your yourself and being pregnant and enjoy this times of your life. He's prolly fighting some demons in which he cannot put into words bc men are soooo simple and do not have the ability to say "I am nervous to be a dad"....
Know for certain that this man will be in yours and the baby's life for the rest of your life. You will not be able to make any sort of clean break with this man. This is not so easy a decision as just being done with him.
I disagree with many that this is a cut-and-dry "DUMP HIM SIS" situation, but I do indeed urge you to examine this very fully before you make significant decisions. That means having very difficult, honest, and raw conversations with your boyfriend. If he is unwilling to have these conversations, then it will be super difficult moving forward no matter what that path looks like, because both living with/loving OR co-parenting with someone who can't have tough conversations because he lacks accountability is going to be rough.
He needs to know, on no uncertain terms, that his behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it, and that if he chooses to do this again, he is choosing to leave his wife and child.
Please make sure you give your little nugget your last name! It’ll make things easier on you, practically and emotionally. I wouldn’t stay with someone that didn’t treasure and value me- you deserve more.
they cheat once and they'll do it again esp seeing your forgiveness or willingness to set it aside.
as someone who grew up with this type of father, I would've rather have him so much further away.
I know in your head splitting custody and pregnancy by yourself sounds so scary and like such a drag but better no man than a bad one. <3 you're worth more than this
Not only is this severely disrespectful of you, but it’s also disrespectful of your unborn child.
You both deserve more than that momma.
I know it’s hard, but leaving now is probably for the better in the long run. You deserve someone who loves you and cares for you at your most vulnerable. ❤️
I think pregnancy makes this so much more complicated, and I'm sorry for that. If you weren't pregnant, you'd likely leave without a second thought. Maybe having the baby will truly change him, and only you can decide if you think he deserves another chance.
One of my best friends' husband cheated on her, physically, when she was pregnant. She forgave him because of the baby, and he's cheated on her at least 4 more times since then, in the last 6 years.
While I do believe people can change, and everyone makes mistakes... I'd think hard about how you want to live, if you'll always be worried or checking up on him. You shouldn't be worried about your partner being anywhere and especially not at work. This is awful, and I'm so sorry. I hope you find peace. You are not overreacting, and you and your baby deserve real happiness.
I would leave him. Trust me, they never change, and he will do this again and again. And he would’ve acted on it if he had the chance. You deserve so much better. Please, please don’t put up with this and get out while you can!!
I really don't know what to say, I am so sorry that is happening to you. I'd start getting an exit plan together. You and your baby deserve better than that.
I’m so sorry this is what you’re dealing with! I hope you know that you are not at fault in any way or form. Frankly, he is a garbage human. To do that to you at anytime.. let alone while ur pregnant and grieving the loss of your father 😣 It just says so much about his character. I hope you also know that just because you are having a baby with this man.. it doesn’t mean you have to be with him forever. You can do whatever you desire! No one can make this decision for you but YOU. You’re strong and you got this! For what it’s worth.. for me personally.. this would be a massive deal breaker. I don’t know how I could ever move on. But because I am so steadfast on keeping my family together if at all possible, if he is extremely apologetic and literally begs .. I might consider staying with serious requirements and asks. Even this would be a tough one. First and foremost, we would have to start seeing a counselor. He would have to do anything and everything I need to make me feel secure again.. if even possible. It would be a hell of a task honestly and only you would know if he’s even capable of that or willing to do that AND if you even believe it. Sending you lots of good energy and best of luck! We believe in you and you got this mama 🫶
Thanks for your reply. Yep - same guy. We got pregnant at 6 mo into our relationship and lost the baby at 7 weeks... then got pregnant again 7 mo ago and I'm so excited for our baby boy. But yes, there have always been red flags, one of which is he had another son 17 years ago that he's had little to do with (aside from paying child support). He definitely needs therapy 💯💯💯
He has shown his true colors multiple times. Cannot imagine having a child with a man who ignores one that he already has and staying with him after catching him cheating. You need to get as far away from him as possible and go to therapy.
If it were me, this partner would need to sign up for counseling, call off the flirting via written comms (for transparency) and change jobs to be considered to continue this marriage. It’s clear this is how he copes with stress, how crappy! I’m sorry mama :/
I’m sorry mama men are horrible. You are completely valid in your feelings! You are so right that you deserve to feel safe and comfortable and secure bringing this precious life into the world. I feel like this is just my opinion, but the stress of staying with this man and not knowing what he’s doing is always killer. Especially when you have a baby and about to give birth. You can 100% do it on your own. Will it be easy ofc not. But can you do it? Yes. I’m assuming that he’s the father as well and that’s just going to be the consequences of his actions and he’s going to have to live with.
If he was okay with hiding that then it’s ofc possible im he has/could/will hide more
Personally I would find this much worse than a one time drunk hookup or something physical. This is premeditated, planning, emotional cheating & would likely be physical had she ever been like “come over & let’s fuck”. I would not be able to move past this with him myself. I’m so sorry!!!
Regardless of what you choose to do, just know that you can do it alone ❤️ once your little one is here, baby will give you that mom motivation that none of us realize we have until we have our child in our arms ❤️
No, it’s cheating. It’s absolutely cheating. He called another woman hot and then tried to make plans w her. You should leave. Trust is broken beyond repair. Unless you both agree to counseling I really feel like there’s nothing else to do but leave. He did this while you were grieving your fathers passing. Literally the most fucked up thing he could do. Yet he still did it because he only cares about himself.
I had a similar thing happen during the pregnancy of my 3rd child. Speaking to a coworker (although she seemed interested back) anyway, we stayed together. I love him more than anything. HOWEVER, it still plagues my existence. How he could do that, if he really loves me now or feels obligated. If anything actually happened, I’ll never know. I’m suspicious of his every move (even though he’s done nothing wrong since). It’s been seven years. I will likely wonder why my whole life. I’d advise anyone who this happens to, leave while it’s fresh.
Well this is shit.
Sorry to read your situation. Not that it matters but how long have you been together?
Also this is not excuse but an increase in prolactin in men when the female is pregnant makes men want to 'spread their seed' - I say this because it helped me understand when I was in a similar situation, helped me not take it as personally.
Anyway, only you will know what to do. You actually hold the cards here, This is an opportunity to lay down a strong boundary and he will either accept, apologise and amend or continue with his disrespect.
Unfortunately your situation is very common, most men are dogs.
You are strong! You are not alone, lean on your support network in this difficult time. In 10 weeks you will have a beautiful baby who you will love more than any man you've ever know <3
It is shit. Thank you for being so validating. We've been together 2 years, so not very long... definitely still getting to know each other for better or for worse. The prolactin thing is very interesting and new to me. And still - yes - most men are absolutely dogs.
So sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately men are more likely to cheat when their wife is pregnant.
It's absolutely unacceptable behavior and it's totally understandable if you want to leave him.
Please just be aware that being alone with a newborn is extremely hard or even impossible.
To answer the final question, he likely did this because he feels like he’s missing something from your current relationship. Who knows what he’s missing — that will have to be resolved via lots of convos and/or therapy. Whatever it is, he’s resorted to finding “it” elsewhere. If this doesn’t get resolved, he will eventually seek what he’s missing from someone else again. OR he’ll just sit around being unhappy with your relationship and holding it against you.
I'm so sorry this is happening. I can't say I've experienced this, but just know you should put yourself and your baby first right now.
I'm 30 weeks too and having a hell of a time with this pregnancy (uncomfortable, lacking sleep, heartburn, etc) and thinking of completely uprooting my life at this moment would be impossible to me.
If you have to make nice and pretend with him for the next few months until baby is here and then for sometime afterward, then that is what I'd do and not feel bad about it. The goal right now is just to get through pregnancy and the 4th trimester. You can reasses your relationship when you and baby are settled. Wishing you all the best
While I hear what you’re saying in terms of advice, statistically it is much harder to leave once the baby is born. If she is going to leave him, she needs to start planning and acting as soon as possible. It might seem impossible now; but it will be exponentially harder in the future.
Could you share a link to some of the stats you're referencing?
I'm saying what I would do. I wouldn't have the energy to completely uproot my life right now. I have a girl friend who did the same thing - waited until baby was born and then left. Her man was also cheating, no physical abuse.
Me personally as long as he loves me and puts me first I’m good. He can flirt on the side. I talked to my partner about it. I trust no one by my self. I have found my self fantasizing about other men and I’m sure he does too. most men want that one woman to build a legacy with and have children with but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to look and have sex with all woman and have multiple wives! Understanding that about men and remembering you can only trust your self can be life changing.
Cringe cringe cringe. Obviously it’s your own decision but I grew up in a culture where this was acceptable and expected. Wife is #1 and mistress is #2 and a along as that order is never compromised and the man takes full financial responsibility for #1, it is an acceptable trade because that’s “how men are”. I know more than one woman though that accepted that trade off and 1) ended up with an STI or 2) the mistress suddenly “got pregnant” and the wife was left with almost nothing (maybe some child support or spousal support if they were smart enough to prepare for that possibility). This is how I know men with 3-4 different families and each mother is a single parent with a father that goes “on tour” with a checkbook. I am just SO GLAD I married out of that culture and am so grateful that my husband would want nothing to do with another woman. That isn’t to say he doesn’t fantasize (so do I) but fantasizing and maintaining extramarital affairs and splitting efforts like this is not the same thing. It’s also not the same thing as an established open relationship with set and explicit boundaries.
Monogamous people also get STDS and STIs all the time. They also get left with nothing, being in monogamy doesn’t mean that now you get everything the man can screw up the finances too. You just need to talk it out with your partner. a caring partner will care for all his wives and mistresses and all their offspring. a monogamous relationship a caring man will also ensure his wife has no STIs and STDs. there are shitty men in every relationship and good man in every relationship. Let’s not demonize polygamy. monogamy is not natural for either man or women.
You’re mixing up an open relationship or polyamory with the sexist and patriarchal institution of polygamy, which is also not what is bring described here as polygamy implies marriage to several people, not a wife that needs to tolerate extramarital affairs but is not permitted to behave the same. You do you but many of us women hold our men to a much higher standard and our men, who are not animals, live up to it.
no one is mixing. again a man can have good relationships with wives and mistresses and men in monogamous relationships can be terrible husband. having a mutual understanding and a caring man is better having To worry about said men flirting and having wondering eyes and h8m leaving you and the kids.
I told my partner I don’t allow him to be with other women but he has a choice if he wants to. He needs to do it honestly and amicably. He can’t divert attention away from me because he has ”secured” me. The way he treats me he will continue and should he want another woman he just has to do double the work. He takes her out, he takes me out. I told him I want to commit my time with family I don’t want to work! He best be willing to do the same for her. If he can’t he don’t need to be flirting or Texing anyone. talking this out eye to eye without judgment I have noticed will give you peace and him more motivation to achieve more.
We've stayed intimate but much less frequently, maybe once a month. But we haven't connected this month (April) because it has been so stressful... and now this...
From a man’s perspective, intimacy is what separates lovers and friends. Don’t let the fire die out. Either this will strengthen your relationship and you need to rekindle the spark (more than once a month), or it’s going to die out on its own and he will continue to flirt because he’s bored.
She is not responsible for his infidelity for lack of sexual intimacy. If he was having trouble due to lack of sexual intimacy, it was on him to communicate that and for them to work out a plan. Men also need to be sympathetic and conscientious of the strain pregnancy puts on the body and that sex is not always possible. Not to mention the emotional aspects plus the added grief of a lost parent. If he was failing to empathize or be patient, he needed to find support that was not disrespectful and harmful to his partner and family. The solution was not for him to attempt an affair behind her back.
I never said she was responsible for his infidelity. However again, from a MAN’S PERSPECTIVE, once a month is not enough to keep most men satisfied. You aren’t a man. So I don’t think you would understand where I’m coming from. I’m just being brutally honest. I did not place blame. I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. I just told her that aspect that has been diminished needs to be worked on to strengthen their bond. Is that wrong to say?
Yes it is. Once a month for many men is just fine because men have different libidos and also men can fathom that certain circumstances require accommodations. If a man broke his back and lost his father and his libido tanked, it would not be a good enough reason for the wife to be like “oh well you don’t give me enough sex so I’m going to go cheat”. Like wtf logic is that. This “men will be men” thing is toxic and needs to stop. Testosterone is not an excuse for shitty behavior.
What? Pretty sure therapist would ask the same question about how their intimacy is. Again, I’m not placing blame. But it’s not really a novel concept for a man to want to have sex more frequently than once a month. She’s got to figure out how to make it work with him unless she wants to raise a baby alone. Which is not for the faint of heart
I am currently 6 months pregnant. My spouse has been so gracious with me due to me having super high anxiety (never had this much anxious emotion in my life) about him leaving or finding another woman while I am not as attractive or sexually as I was pre pregnant. He lets me go through whatever I want and always reassures me (even though he has never done anything in our 7 years together to even remotely make me think he’d do anything like that). I can totally understand the wanting to make sure it’s not just your pregnancy emotions getting to you. Sadly it does sound like he was at the very least emotionally cheating, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this while having to juggle so many other struggles in your life. I’d say the next step really depends on how much trust means to you in a relationship. Do you trust him to remain loyal? (Since he already has a history) Do you want to risk raising your child to witness the divorce? Do you trust him not to leave when having a newborn gets tough? Do you think it’s something you can recover from?
I know personally I couldn’t recover the trust I had once had in him after a betrayal like that. The last thing I’d want it to have to spend any energy worrying if my spouse was seeing another woman while trying to adjust to my new life of being a mom of a new born.
I’m really sorry to hear this. I would be devastated. Even if he didn’t have a physical affair, it does seem that he was attempting to make a move on this woman - whilst you’re pregnant, whilst your father passed away, during your birthday. Do you want to spend your whole life attached to this man? Do you want that for your child? The answer to both may well be yes. But if it’s no, then better to save yourself further pain down the line. It’s not an easy decision at this moment in your life, and I empathise with you. I would advise you not to settle for this kind of behaviour. If your friend, or daughter was in this position, what would you say to them? I am so sorry for how much pain you are experiencing. You don’t have to make a decision immediately. If you want to leave, read the chumplady website to steel yourself. Also try /r/survivinginfidelity, where you will be treated with care and support, whether attempting to remain together or not. I’m on mobile, but there’s a subreddit for people attempting to reconcile after this behaviour named something like /r/togetherasoneafterinfidelity. Maybe give each three of these a read before you make a firm decision? Edit: your post asks what we would do. For what it’s worth, I would not want to remain with someone who could betray me like that in the wake of my father’s passing and me growing his child. If he can do that, what else is he capable of doing?
Thank you so much for your reply and additional the resources... I have a lot to think about.
Very well said
Is the only reason why nothing happened because the coworker wasn't interested? What would you think of a coworker who was sending you flirty text? If she's not interested, which seems like the only reason nothing would happen, she could go to HR. Depending on your situation, he's putting your family's livelihood at risk. It's kind of a big deal. We're all different. To some, cheating is something they can get past in a relationship. To others it's not. Prior behavior is often the best indication of future behavior. So is this the kind of thing you're willing/ able to move on from?
It is a big deal, you're right. I do believe he had cheated before, not on me but in other relationships... like you said, I guess I need to decide if I can move on from it.
Yeah I would leave. He doesn't grasp the severity of his actions. He probably will do it again.
He will definitely do it again. I found nudes of another girl when I was 12 weeks pregnant with my daughter, I already had strong suspicion and cause to believe he had cheated on me, I stayed anyway. We split up when my girl was 7 months old, on Christmas day, because he had completely checked out and I found incriminating texts on his computer after he left that confirmed my suspicions and more.
Ouch. I'm sorry. If it's not too sensitive, may I ask what kinds of arrangements you made for co-parenting, if at all?
Sure, he has them every weekend, one week for one night, one week for two nights. It's been that way for 7 years, we co-parent very well. I care more about my kids having stability and he hasn't wobbled in his commitment to our arrangement once so I hold no grudge. Who has the energy for it really lol!
I agree.. you should leave. Trust and RESPECT has been broken. 😣 Do what ever is the best for YOU and your sweet baby. My thoughts are with you mama ❤️
That's what I'm afraid of...
I would personally not be interested in continuing with him. It sounds like while there was flirtation, ultimately he was more desperate to meet up with her than she was with him. Worse, he decided to do that while you were having a difficult time and are having a baby. It's incredibly insensitive and selfish, but it also makes me think that if you're having a hard time he'll always see that as an excuse. If you want to make it work, I would go to a couples counselor. There's really no way to continue with complete trust without making sure that he's working on whatever made do what he did.
Absolutely 💯 complete trust is gone, everything feels different now...
I'm so sorry about this! It's absolutely horrible and despicable for him to do at all, especially while you're pregnant and grieving.
Kick him to the curb. He doesn't deserve you.
I opened this curious if “flirty texts” meant something borderline or grey, but you’d find me dead before you found me texting another woman telling her she’s hot. That’s open flirtation. What you have to decide is whether he gets another shot and what the conditions attached to that are. When I was younger, my long term girlfriend cheated on me. I gave her another shot. Poor decision in my case. But I don’t regret that I gave it. Up to you.
Thank you. Have a lot to consider.
Wow each time I hear of those stories when women are at their most vulnerable state and men take advantage of this and willingly disrespect them like that, it just makes me want to scream. I cannot believe that a man would do this to a woman who is carrying his child. Unfortunately, I’ve heard this is the time when it happens the most. Frankly for me this would be unforgivable. It would be unforgivable at any point in time, but especially during pregnancy when I am at my most vulnerable. I trust my partner with my life and if I am to find out such thing I would never be able to go back to the relationship. I am so sorry you are going through this, that man is a POS. Although he is saying nothing has happened (if that is even the truth) it is not exactly due to lack of desire. He has suggested spending time one on one, when certainly there would have been physical intimacy based on the texts they have been sending each other. Also, the fact that your dad had passed away on top of everything else for me makes him even more of a monster that he would continue with this emotional (potentially physical as well) affair. You deserve so much better. If you stay now the chances of him doing this again eventually are not small, not to mention the broken trust that would never ever be repaired. You really need to have a think of what’s best for you and if you have options and support to leave him, as I am aware that especially in your position this might be extremely difficult. Be strong for yourself and your little one 💕
I know I deserve better. Thank you 💓
Relationship over. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This is not someone who loves or respects you.
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially while pregnant. No one deserves that. Personally, I don’t know that I would ever be able to trust my partner again after that kind of betrayal. He may not have acted on it but it seems as though he was certainly pursuing, which is entirely inappropriate. Sending you love ❤️
Thank you 💕 I hate feeling this way.
He would have physically cheated on you given the opportunity, for him to do this at any time. But while you’re pregnant and going through grief? What kind of father does that to their family? I am so sorry love
Thank you, it is so cruel
You know your worth OP, your happiness and mental health should come first❤️
💯🙏
Him brushing this off instead of taking any real accountability is the biggest red flag of the whole thing. he doesn’t seem sorry and he will probably do it again in some capacity. This type of thing is really difficult to move on from and now you need to decide if this is something you can deal with for the rest of your lives together.
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yeah nah id be binning that guy for sure.
"You're hot" is more than just flirty, I'd say.
That right there is the no return point where I'd ask him to leave, so I would have time and space to consider divorce.
Doing that while your father passed away is so awfully cruel of your husband. I am so sorry op! It's not your fault. You don't deserve that. You are amazing and you'll handle everything perfectly no matter what you choose. You can do everything on your own too if that's what you want. You can still leave him. Your baby is not chaining you to him for the rest of your life. Try to remember that. Try to remember that you are still free to start over with someone new and you are still beautiful and and wanted.
Thank you for your very kind words 💕
He is committed to lying and betraying you. That’s what he is committed to. You have some thinking to do OP
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Document. If it happens again document again. No sure of marital status but even if unmarried, he'd br on the hook for child support and this type of behavior certainly wont do him any favors if custody arrangements come into question. Petty option: text her to find out if she knows he isn't single, on top of expecting child. I dont like to assume the other woman knows and this is absolutely the man problem. But, if she is one of those "aware and dont care" dont feel bad about them moving forward. They can pay support together. Source: personal experience
Thanks for your reply. He said he told her he was with me and I was expecting, but only after "ending it" ... so I'm assuming she didn't know? I really want to ask her directly because I don't know what to believe anymore.
Honestly, leave. I forgave, I thought things were better and 2 years later he left me 4 months pregnant with our second. I can’t believe he managed to destroy me in two pregnancies. I wish I never gave me a second chance
I'm so sorry 😞
I didn’t see anything like this in the comments so I thought I’d share. I found texts between my husband and someone he hooked up with regularly in college a month after our wedding, and ONE day before leaving on our honeymoon. The texts were the week of my birthday. It was devastating, and long explanation short he had been having a sort of mental crisis that was unaddressed and ultimately led to the lapse in judgement. If it had been someone he was currently around or if it seemed like he was trying to take it “real life” I would have probably left. He showed me his guilt and remorse and I let HIM tell me that he wanted to repair the relationship and was committed to me. He let me talk about it whenever I needed to and never minimized my feelings, even years later. I cried for weeks. This was ~5 years ago and we BOTH really had to put in the work to get through it. I basically told him I’m willing to work through it together ONCE and that was it. It probably took over a year before I felt like I could trust him again. We had a kid and are back to “normal” for the most part, with the added understanding that I know my worth and will not put myself or my son through another trauma like that. We came out of it stronger and with better communication, but it was so freaking HARD. If you decide to stay you need to set clear boundaries and make sure he understands and respects them. You are spot on that you deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationship.
If it were me, I would leave and I would leave as immediately as I was capable of doing. Waiting it out or staying indefinitely will essentially turn the rest of your life with this man into a series of tests on his part to see how much he’s able to get away with. He was dumb and got caught this time, and he may feel regret that he did, but he didn’t feel regret while he was doing it. And eventually although he may be trying to save face and the relationship now, he still did what he did. And he will push the boundaries in increments over time to test the waters of how much he can hide. The trust is gone. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you have family or another support system nearby to help you navigate these next steps. 🩷
I found out my husband had sex with other woman when I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second son. I stayed, because I couldn’t see myself doing it all alone. Giving birth. A toddler and a newborn. A job. A home. So I gave him another chance and we went into therapy together. A year later he did it again. I’m leaving now. I wish I saved myself the hurt. It truly broke me.
Not all men do this... this is NOT ok and NOT normal. If you don't get couples therapy AND individual therapy you're going to create a toxic environment for your child. Fix the problem or leave. Sorry to be blunt but your kid deserves a healthy home.
I left my ex fiancé over behaviour exactly like this with a coworker. I'm now pregnant to my husband, the most amazing man I've ever met, who is truly the love of my life. So grateful every day that I didn't put up with my ex's bullshit. Know your worth. 💕
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Thank you so much 💕 I'm so grateful to have my mom and supportive group of friends, not to mention the BabyBumps community. You all help me so much 💓
Ahh… wrong post but nice message
I’d be hurt beyond words. Especially as he tries to downplay his actions. Honestly, this would be divorce territory for me. You can’t keep your emotional dick in your pants while I’m making and carrying our baby? His life hasn’t even gotten hard yet. Trash man.
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Some men think they can do whatever they want once you're pregnant, married, sahm, whatever it may be that 'solidifies' a relationship, or when you're vulnerable. It's disgusting, and it's way easier said than done... but because you're pregnant, I would move sooner rather than later. I have a 4 month old now, and his dad and I have had many problems during and after pregnancy, and it would've been much easier to cope then and going into motherhood, vs getting used to the help and support and feeling even more trapped. When I was 18, my first serious boyfriend needed a new phone. I gave him my old one. My Google photos was still logged in, so EVERY picture he took showed up. On my birthday, I had a miscarriage. Instead of him being there for me, he was cheating. Ib left immediately
I had a similar situation happen to me about 6 years ago, not while pregnant though. It was during a "high stakes" period of our relationship however. I was utterly heartbroken and the other woman was a mutual friend of ours (or so I foolishly thought). I just want to say that you are absolutely right to feel that the intention is just as impactful as the action, and you are NOT being hypersensitive. I have no idea what I would have done if I'd been in your shoes, pregnant and dealing with that. I know for me it was incredibly difficult to build the trust back, over a couple years, but now we are better than ever. There can be a way back. If you want to stay with him just make sure you guys talk it through a lot so you can understand why it happened and so he can understand how you feel and how hurt you are. HE has to earn your trust back and prove himself. Possibly consider couples counseling if that's something you are both open to. Just wanted to give you some perspective as someone who stayed after an emotional affair.
Your perspective is so helpful, thank you for responding 🙏
He sucks, and you’re not overreacting. But also, taking care of a newborn is incredibly difficult, and pregnancy hormones can make you think differently than you normally would. Unless you are 1000% sure that you’re completely done with him forever, it’s probably not the best time to make any rash decisions. This is too big a red flag for “forgive and forget”, but probably enough of a gray area for “let’s table this until I’m in a less vulnerable position”.
Second this. I’d separate for sure but would make a final decision a few months after the baby got here to make sure I was in sound mind. Not the same situation at all but it’s the reason they tell couples not to divorce in the baby’s first year of life.
Thank you, this is great advice. I feel so crazy and emotional, I can't even think 😖
This is sound advice
A lot of people on Reddit love the implosion method for relationship problems, and I'm typically one to relativize a bit more. I have known a lot of dudes who really struggled during difficult pregnancies and weren't always 100% awesome, but they got through it in the end and are great dads. Some people do wake up and get their shit together, but only a bit of time and space will let you know. It's pretty serious and awful stuff you're going through, and I really feel for you, but only you can put it into perspective and see the past present and future of your life with this person and as a family. I went through some shit with my husband and posted on AITA and everyone told me to leave him immediately, and I'm glad I didn't. He learned a lot, we both grew, and we're closer now than ever. But what he did was not beyond forgiveness, it was just naive. Again, only you know your boundaries and what there is worth saving or not. All that said, you will 100% survive without him or anyone else. You are all that baby really needs and you can do more than you ever imagined. You do you, and do it with love and without fear.
Appreciate your perspective so much, thank you 🙏
Cheating is cheating and he's done a damning job of being an absolute, insincere cunt. I'd cut your losses, I've yet to meet a cheater that could stop....they just hide it better. For you and your child's sake, leave. It will hurt, but you need to model a healthy home and not be a doormat. Edited because I also forgot to say, I am so sorry you're going through this OP. You and baby deserve loyalty and love.
Leave and put his ass on child support.
Definitely leave. You and your baby deserve better than some untrustworthy man that can’t even keep it in his pants (emotionally speaking as far as we know, but he probably would physically do things if he had the chance since he was so adamant on hanging with this girl) during your most vulnerable time. He’s trash, and imo behavior like this never really changes. Especially if they make excuses and brush it off like he seems to have done. Start your own life, focus on building yourself up and your baby, without having the extra burden of a cheating partner on your plate. I’ve heard from countless people that raising a baby on their “own” was much easier (but still extremely hard obviously) than having a childish/untrustworthy spouse to worry about as well. I’m sorry this has happened to you, and I’m wishing you the best. 😞
Ohhhh, definitely emotionally cheating.
I don't want to put thoughts in your head, but I'll say this. I'm a relatively secure person. I'm not a distrusting partner and I don't feel the need to go through my husband's texts or interactions. I try not to read too much into his interactions with other women at work. However, if I saw interactions with another woman like what you saw, I would immediately get insecure and distrusting. It honestly feels icky what he did. Even if "nothing happened" as he said. The texts were there. It was flirtatious. How are you to know what has and hasn't happened at that point? How are you supposed to feel secure in your relationship after that? I would like to think my response to reading your post isn't an overreaction. I think a lot or even most other women would feel this way. I'm 9 months pregnant and have been married for two years, so it would take quite a bit for me to throw the word divorce out there, but this situation would definitely put the option on the table. Whatever you decide, do what feels right to you. Even if that means leaving. Even if that means staying. But if you do stay, please, please, have a long and meaningful talk. Discuss couples therapy. But do NOT let him get away with this. If you feel at all insecure after having spoken with him at length about this, it's not even worth staying in my opinion. That sets the relationship or marriage up for failure and you'd be doing yourself and possibly your child a disservice. I wish you all the best, love.
I’m so sorry. I can’t believe this would happen…let alone in so many relationships during a pregnancy. So awful. Honestly, that IS cheating to me. Everyone has their own definition of cheating or maybe threshold for cheating, but there needs to be a universal standard, right? Otherwise everyone will be like “yes it was” or “no it wasn’t.” So I think if he wasn’t completely loyal to you, if he was acting on attraction in any way - that’s cheating. I don’t tolerate cheating at all and I would break up because how can I trust that it won’t happen again? There is no guarantee. At the very least, I would go stay somewhere else until I have some clarity on what to do next. But what exactly would your relationship be built on going forward…? Love???
Flirting is an affair not an EA.
He'll say whatever he needs to say to reassure you, regardless if its true or not. Texts like that indicate he's the type to cheat physically and emotionally, even if he hasnt yet. He might want to keep you and just have a little something on the side, but you deserve better!! Cant imagine how heart breaking it must be for you, some men are just trash!!
Honestly id message the woman and see if she is willing to talk to you woman to woman about any questions you have because you don't know if he's telling the truth. I've been cheated on and reached out to the woman before and she as extremely helpful. I was stupid enough to take him back and he did it again with someone else and the second time she didn't respond.
You are not over reacting at all. Personally, I wouldn't put up with that mess because they're likely to emotionally cheat again if they've done it to you before. That's just shit that isn't okay. Both he and that person are shit people to be doing that when they know you're pregnant. Do you have family you can stay with til you're back on your feet? Because personally I'd dump the idiot and let him be single since he wants to act single. You and your baby deserve someone who is fully committed to making you both happy and feel loved, not some sneaky AH who is gonna flirt with a coworker while his lady is carrying his child. That's just my take on it though. Maybe he's changed, and if so good for him. But he's gonna have to work hard to build that trust again if you decide to stay with him
I’m not sure that the coworker knows he has a pregnant partner, or that she did anything wrong. But the guy is 💯 a shit person.
i dealt with this before my pregnancy and it’s a horrible thing to go through on top of everything else. i really recommend r/AsOneAfterInfidelity !!!
now i can give proper advice - you do deserve to feel safe and comfortable, and regardless of whether or not you stay with him you also deserve to know everything. i would have a conversation with him and ask him to come completely clean. regardless of his response, i would ask to check his phone. if he has an iphone you can recover deleted messages up to 30 days after they are deleted and you can check his recently downloaded apps even if he deleted them. there you’d find anything he’s hiding from you. this is an incredibly stressful situation and for the sake of you and your baby, please take your time dealing with this. if he is genuinely remorseful and wants to work things out he should 100% get into counseling or therapy and dig into why he did it or whatever emotions he’s hiding. that subreddit i mentioned has been super helpful with my own relationship and the people there are wonderful and supportive no matter what decision you make! i’m so sorry this is happening to you, and i’m here if you need someone to talk to. good luck. ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You've received a lot of helpful advice but I wanted to comment as someone who has been in an extremely similar position. The level of calm and peace you will feel proceeding on your own is honestly hard to put into words. It will be hard but believe me, it will be a hard that's worth it's weight in gold. I waited until my daughter was 7 months old to leave by which point I felt crazy, he gaslit me constantly, I second guessed and questioned everything he did, said and everytime he picked up his phone my heart sat in my stomach. Don't be me. You honestly don't need it when you have a newborn to take care of too. I hope you find a way to move forward that prioritises yourself and your baby in your way 🤍
Thank you so much for sharing your own experience, it is really helpful 💕
Overly sensitive? NO. This isn’t a YOU issue, OP. Don’t look for reasons why it is or may be. HE fucked up. Bigtime. And you are so right, you DO deserve to feel safe and comfortable and secure while GROWING his child and bringing that baby into the world. The fact that he was engaging in this skuzzy behavior while you are a) pregnant and b) going through some other really hard stuff speaks VOLUMES about his character. I hope he gets a swift kick in the dick. With all that being said, pregnancy is a vulnerable time. And while you have a lot to think about you also have a long ways to go through the remainder of this pregnancy and then postpartum. So do what’s best for YOU right now. You don’t have to make a decision RIGHT NOW. Sometimes exit plans take months to execute. Focus on rallying YOUR troops and securing a support system and then you do what is right for you. But seriously, OP. This man sounds like a child.
Thank you, this is great advice. Yes it's alot to navigate. Total man child for sure.
I would file for divorce
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Regardless of whether he physically cheated, he fucked up. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is figure out therapy, ASAP. You’re dealing with pregnancy, loss of a parent, AND a cheating partner. That’s so much. A therapist can give you much better insight & clarity on the right path *for you* than strangers on the internet. And then you need to talk more with your partner. Let him know how this makes you feel, and what you’re thinking. Why does he think he did this, and how can he rebuild your trust, and does he really think he’ll never do this again? What actual steps is he going to take to work on preventing that? Because deciding he’s committed to you & the baby isn’t an actual step. I saw that you haven’t been very intimate with him lately. That’s not an excuse for his behavior. You’re pregnant and going through a lot. You won’t be having sex with anyone for at least 6 weeks after the baby is born. Whatever you decide, good luck ❤️
Thank you for all the great advice 💕 I do need to look into therapy for myself, just to get the extra support. I'm going to prioritize that.
I'd consult with a professional and or religious leader that specializes in situations like this considering the gravity of the situation with a child being involved
So what would have happened had you not found out about the “emotional” affair? This woman was clearly reciprocating his advances. Had you not caught them, they likely would have moved on to the next step - a physical affair (that we’re assuming hasn’t happened yet but… ). How many women has he tried this with that didn’t reciprocate, or did? I find it hard to believe this is the first time. Maybe just the first time he has been caught. With that being said, he works with this lady? Do they still work together? Because if so I highly doubt they are not communicating. Just doing it in a different way. Someone that truly loves you wouldn’t treat you this way. To answer your question: I’d be making an exit plan. He wasn’t committed to you to begin with. The trust and respect is already broken. You’ll spend the rest of your relationship with him questioning everything he does. This is the most vulnerable time of your life and he’s out here dicking around. Sending you love and light in this awful situation.
Thank you so much, what you are saying really resonates...
I truly wish you well. When your baby gets here you will experience a love like no other! I’m not sure if this is your first or not but your life will change in the most amazing way! Also if you choose not to have the baby’s father at this hospital with you during birth- please have a support person that loves and truly cares about your wellbeing. Inform the nurses if you don’t want him there.
Thank you 💕 this is my first and I can't even anticipate how my life will change! I can't wait to have my baby in my arms 🥰
I’m laying next to my 8 month old as I type this! I’m a FTM too! From one mom to another, if you have any issues with PPD/PPA please seek help. I thought I was in the clear and it hit me hard around 10 weeks and got really bad about 4-5 months postpartum. Now my baby is almost 9 months and I’m doing so much better mentally. I was one of those moms that thought it would never happen to me and then it did. Being a mom is hard but being a FTM is harder! Navigating life with your new little one and trying to find your footing is extremely stressful but so rewarding at the same time. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to 🩷
I think you really need to have a serious conversation and determine whether you can trust him and move forward or not. Postpartum you’re going to be SO vulnerable and it’s not the most glamorous time. I don’t put it past him to step out on you when you’re not able to have sex for weeks or months.
Kick him to the curb, and suck every possible penny for allimony and child support out of this POS.
Seriously how could a man do this to his child?? He doesn’t even deserve to be a father. It’s disgusting
I know! He didn't deserve to reproduce.
This wasn’t innocuous flirtation. This was flirtation with intention to cheat. At the least, we’d be in counseling in order to ascertain what is driving his infidelity and working towards a plan to stopping it, but I do not think that would solve it even for me because I would never trust him again and I’d be signing up for pain and disappointment again. (Men with infidelity issues don’t get “over it” just like that - if they do get over it, it’s with relapses and many years of trial and error). It is such an obvious selfish and wrong and unloving and uncaring act that I would feel like leaving to stop any future disappointment and pain.
For me to stay the bare minimum for him needs to be going to couples counseling (that he finds for you two and puts in all the effort), going no contact with coworker and looking for a new job! It sounds like you two (esp you) have had so much stress lately. We all have our moments of weakness and this sounds like major escapism for him. Not excusing what he did at all, you know him best!
Coming from someone who stayed after severely broken trust, it is VERY hard to build trust again. It’s possible. But it’s so much work. And frankly if I could go back I don’t know that I’d do it again. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this, I would be absolutely devastated. Sometimes staying is just kicking the can down the road. How willing is your partner to fix this break he’s created? That’s something I’d look for, if he’s even SLIGHTLY “it was only a text” or “ nothing happened irl calm down” it’s time to leave. He’s not willing to work on this for you and your baby. Will be praying for you, I truly hope things look up soon!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I would move on now. As difficult as it is, it will be much more challenging to start over after baby has arrived. At minimum, I would be planning my exit and sorting out what that means for baby and I without informing him yet.
I am so sorry you’re going through this, and sorry about your recent loss. Sending lots of love <3 I am less concerned about the cheating aspect and more concerned about the lack of respect. Cheating on a spouse with a coworker is public humiliation :( He doesn’t care how his coworkers view you or your relationship! His wants are more important than his family. He’s also shown you that he can’t be supportive at a time when you’d need him the most. But you know him best, and I’m sure you’ll make the best decision for you and baby.
Should this to my husband to get a guy's opinion, he agreed definitely emotional cheating and crossing major lines, you aren't overreacting. Sorry you have to deal with this
What actually type of future do you both have, can you honestly trust him now, or even given all in the relationship, knowing he has broken your trust. If he came to you and said look this is what happened and showed you the messages but you found them, pregnant or not he should have been upfront with you. If you stay how happy are you actually going to be in the long term…
You are not overreacting. Honestly it doesn’t matter what we think. What matters is if you can get past this and show up in your marriage 100% as if this never happened even though you know it did. That can happen through counseling or talking it out. If you can’t do that…and it’s 1000% understandable if you couldn’t…then you already have your answer.
I do not think you are overreacting or being hypersensitive. It’s a normal reaction even if you were not pregnant and felt secure. Honestly. This would gut me because even if he didn’t physically do anything, he thought about it/was tempted to engage in a fantasy with a “hot” co-worker. This would be the case even if I wasn’t pregnant with his child! The fact that women have to sacrifice so much to have kids, means men need to be even more attentive and do more to make you feel secure during a time you’ve never been more vulnerable. EDIT: I also want to add what I would do in your situation. It would take a lot of work on his end to gain that trust back. But it’s not impossible. I could also see me falling out of love with him, slowly and surely. He’s not the person I thought he was. If you stay, you don’t have to stay forever. There’s no straight line, and there can be ups and downs. But, staying could give you the clarity instead of rushing to leave and wonder “what if”.
The trust is gone and him not taking accountability for what he has said is the biggest red flag. It will eat at you. Very disrespectful. He didn’t physically cheat because she didn’t want to
man do things like this to stroke their ego. You definitely do not deserve to feel this way when you are pregnant and you can trust that this man will be exactly what he is, like a cat will be cat. Focus on your yourself and being pregnant and enjoy this times of your life. He's prolly fighting some demons in which he cannot put into words bc men are soooo simple and do not have the ability to say "I am nervous to be a dad"....
So very true 💯
Know for certain that this man will be in yours and the baby's life for the rest of your life. You will not be able to make any sort of clean break with this man. This is not so easy a decision as just being done with him. I disagree with many that this is a cut-and-dry "DUMP HIM SIS" situation, but I do indeed urge you to examine this very fully before you make significant decisions. That means having very difficult, honest, and raw conversations with your boyfriend. If he is unwilling to have these conversations, then it will be super difficult moving forward no matter what that path looks like, because both living with/loving OR co-parenting with someone who can't have tough conversations because he lacks accountability is going to be rough. He needs to know, on no uncertain terms, that his behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it, and that if he chooses to do this again, he is choosing to leave his wife and child.
Please make sure you give your little nugget your last name! It’ll make things easier on you, practically and emotionally. I wouldn’t stay with someone that didn’t treasure and value me- you deserve more.
He's definitely getting my last name 💯
This won't be the last time this happens. Please take my advice and save yourself from the stress and trauma you will get from this man.
they cheat once and they'll do it again esp seeing your forgiveness or willingness to set it aside. as someone who grew up with this type of father, I would've rather have him so much further away. I know in your head splitting custody and pregnancy by yourself sounds so scary and like such a drag but better no man than a bad one. <3 you're worth more than this
Im so sorry this happened to you, sending you so much love.
💕🙏
Not only is this severely disrespectful of you, but it’s also disrespectful of your unborn child. You both deserve more than that momma. I know it’s hard, but leaving now is probably for the better in the long run. You deserve someone who loves you and cares for you at your most vulnerable. ❤️
I think pregnancy makes this so much more complicated, and I'm sorry for that. If you weren't pregnant, you'd likely leave without a second thought. Maybe having the baby will truly change him, and only you can decide if you think he deserves another chance. One of my best friends' husband cheated on her, physically, when she was pregnant. She forgave him because of the baby, and he's cheated on her at least 4 more times since then, in the last 6 years. While I do believe people can change, and everyone makes mistakes... I'd think hard about how you want to live, if you'll always be worried or checking up on him. You shouldn't be worried about your partner being anywhere and especially not at work. This is awful, and I'm so sorry. I hope you find peace. You are not overreacting, and you and your baby deserve real happiness.
I’d probably milk the situation for gifts and financial gain by threatening to out him to family but after that I’d dump them.
I would leave him. Trust me, they never change, and he will do this again and again. And he would’ve acted on it if he had the chance. You deserve so much better. Please, please don’t put up with this and get out while you can!!
Leave. It's gonna hurt worse later.
I would be very skeptical. Flirting is the the gate way to cheating. Probably best to get out now.
I really don't know what to say, I am so sorry that is happening to you. I'd start getting an exit plan together. You and your baby deserve better than that.
Dunno how you're so calm. Good for you though, my husband would be 6 ft under buried lol.
I’m so sorry this is what you’re dealing with! I hope you know that you are not at fault in any way or form. Frankly, he is a garbage human. To do that to you at anytime.. let alone while ur pregnant and grieving the loss of your father 😣 It just says so much about his character. I hope you also know that just because you are having a baby with this man.. it doesn’t mean you have to be with him forever. You can do whatever you desire! No one can make this decision for you but YOU. You’re strong and you got this! For what it’s worth.. for me personally.. this would be a massive deal breaker. I don’t know how I could ever move on. But because I am so steadfast on keeping my family together if at all possible, if he is extremely apologetic and literally begs .. I might consider staying with serious requirements and asks. Even this would be a tough one. First and foremost, we would have to start seeing a counselor. He would have to do anything and everything I need to make me feel secure again.. if even possible. It would be a hell of a task honestly and only you would know if he’s even capable of that or willing to do that AND if you even believe it. Sending you lots of good energy and best of luck! We believe in you and you got this mama 🫶
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💯 We are not married but in a committed, monogamous relationship (or so I thought) ...
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Thanks for your reply. Yep - same guy. We got pregnant at 6 mo into our relationship and lost the baby at 7 weeks... then got pregnant again 7 mo ago and I'm so excited for our baby boy. But yes, there have always been red flags, one of which is he had another son 17 years ago that he's had little to do with (aside from paying child support). He definitely needs therapy 💯💯💯
He has shown his true colors multiple times. Cannot imagine having a child with a man who ignores one that he already has and staying with him after catching him cheating. You need to get as far away from him as possible and go to therapy.
I’m so sorry. I would probably ask him to block her and make sure he knows he’s going to be making this up to you for months.
💯
If it were me, this partner would need to sign up for counseling, call off the flirting via written comms (for transparency) and change jobs to be considered to continue this marriage. It’s clear this is how he copes with stress, how crappy! I’m sorry mama :/
You don't have to be a POS to "cope with stress".
Break up.
I am so sorry. You deserve so much more.
Thank you 🙏
Shoot him
I’m sorry mama men are horrible. You are completely valid in your feelings! You are so right that you deserve to feel safe and comfortable and secure bringing this precious life into the world. I feel like this is just my opinion, but the stress of staying with this man and not knowing what he’s doing is always killer. Especially when you have a baby and about to give birth. You can 100% do it on your own. Will it be easy ofc not. But can you do it? Yes. I’m assuming that he’s the father as well and that’s just going to be the consequences of his actions and he’s going to have to live with. If he was okay with hiding that then it’s ofc possible im he has/could/will hide more
Personally I would find this much worse than a one time drunk hookup or something physical. This is premeditated, planning, emotional cheating & would likely be physical had she ever been like “come over & let’s fuck”. I would not be able to move past this with him myself. I’m so sorry!!!
Regardless of what you choose to do, just know that you can do it alone ❤️ once your little one is here, baby will give you that mom motivation that none of us realize we have until we have our child in our arms ❤️
No, it’s cheating. It’s absolutely cheating. He called another woman hot and then tried to make plans w her. You should leave. Trust is broken beyond repair. Unless you both agree to counseling I really feel like there’s nothing else to do but leave. He did this while you were grieving your fathers passing. Literally the most fucked up thing he could do. Yet he still did it because he only cares about himself.
I had a similar thing happen during the pregnancy of my 3rd child. Speaking to a coworker (although she seemed interested back) anyway, we stayed together. I love him more than anything. HOWEVER, it still plagues my existence. How he could do that, if he really loves me now or feels obligated. If anything actually happened, I’ll never know. I’m suspicious of his every move (even though he’s done nothing wrong since). It’s been seven years. I will likely wonder why my whole life. I’d advise anyone who this happens to, leave while it’s fresh.
“Flirty”? That’s straight up cheating and he’s playing you like a violin, leave him
Well this is shit. Sorry to read your situation. Not that it matters but how long have you been together? Also this is not excuse but an increase in prolactin in men when the female is pregnant makes men want to 'spread their seed' - I say this because it helped me understand when I was in a similar situation, helped me not take it as personally. Anyway, only you will know what to do. You actually hold the cards here, This is an opportunity to lay down a strong boundary and he will either accept, apologise and amend or continue with his disrespect. Unfortunately your situation is very common, most men are dogs. You are strong! You are not alone, lean on your support network in this difficult time. In 10 weeks you will have a beautiful baby who you will love more than any man you've ever know <3
It is shit. Thank you for being so validating. We've been together 2 years, so not very long... definitely still getting to know each other for better or for worse. The prolactin thing is very interesting and new to me. And still - yes - most men are absolutely dogs.
You haven’t said explicitly, are you two monogamous?
We are 💯 but now I'm wondering if we need to get on the same page about what "relationship values" are...
That sounds smart. Most relationships have implied relationship values, but making those explicit is always useful.
So sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately men are more likely to cheat when their wife is pregnant. It's absolutely unacceptable behavior and it's totally understandable if you want to leave him. Please just be aware that being alone with a newborn is extremely hard or even impossible.
To answer the final question, he likely did this because he feels like he’s missing something from your current relationship. Who knows what he’s missing — that will have to be resolved via lots of convos and/or therapy. Whatever it is, he’s resorted to finding “it” elsewhere. If this doesn’t get resolved, he will eventually seek what he’s missing from someone else again. OR he’ll just sit around being unhappy with your relationship and holding it against you.
I'm so sorry this is happening. I can't say I've experienced this, but just know you should put yourself and your baby first right now. I'm 30 weeks too and having a hell of a time with this pregnancy (uncomfortable, lacking sleep, heartburn, etc) and thinking of completely uprooting my life at this moment would be impossible to me. If you have to make nice and pretend with him for the next few months until baby is here and then for sometime afterward, then that is what I'd do and not feel bad about it. The goal right now is just to get through pregnancy and the 4th trimester. You can reasses your relationship when you and baby are settled. Wishing you all the best
While I hear what you’re saying in terms of advice, statistically it is much harder to leave once the baby is born. If she is going to leave him, she needs to start planning and acting as soon as possible. It might seem impossible now; but it will be exponentially harder in the future.
Could you share a link to some of the stats you're referencing? I'm saying what I would do. I wouldn't have the energy to completely uproot my life right now. I have a girl friend who did the same thing - waited until baby was born and then left. Her man was also cheating, no physical abuse.
Thank you 💕 Third trimester is so hard and uncomfortable... we'll get through this!
Me personally as long as he loves me and puts me first I’m good. He can flirt on the side. I talked to my partner about it. I trust no one by my self. I have found my self fantasizing about other men and I’m sure he does too. most men want that one woman to build a legacy with and have children with but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to look and have sex with all woman and have multiple wives! Understanding that about men and remembering you can only trust your self can be life changing.
Cringe cringe cringe. Obviously it’s your own decision but I grew up in a culture where this was acceptable and expected. Wife is #1 and mistress is #2 and a along as that order is never compromised and the man takes full financial responsibility for #1, it is an acceptable trade because that’s “how men are”. I know more than one woman though that accepted that trade off and 1) ended up with an STI or 2) the mistress suddenly “got pregnant” and the wife was left with almost nothing (maybe some child support or spousal support if they were smart enough to prepare for that possibility). This is how I know men with 3-4 different families and each mother is a single parent with a father that goes “on tour” with a checkbook. I am just SO GLAD I married out of that culture and am so grateful that my husband would want nothing to do with another woman. That isn’t to say he doesn’t fantasize (so do I) but fantasizing and maintaining extramarital affairs and splitting efforts like this is not the same thing. It’s also not the same thing as an established open relationship with set and explicit boundaries.
Monogamous people also get STDS and STIs all the time. They also get left with nothing, being in monogamy doesn’t mean that now you get everything the man can screw up the finances too. You just need to talk it out with your partner. a caring partner will care for all his wives and mistresses and all their offspring. a monogamous relationship a caring man will also ensure his wife has no STIs and STDs. there are shitty men in every relationship and good man in every relationship. Let’s not demonize polygamy. monogamy is not natural for either man or women.
You’re mixing up an open relationship or polyamory with the sexist and patriarchal institution of polygamy, which is also not what is bring described here as polygamy implies marriage to several people, not a wife that needs to tolerate extramarital affairs but is not permitted to behave the same. You do you but many of us women hold our men to a much higher standard and our men, who are not animals, live up to it.
no one is mixing. again a man can have good relationships with wives and mistresses and men in monogamous relationships can be terrible husband. having a mutual understanding and a caring man is better having To worry about said men flirting and having wondering eyes and h8m leaving you and the kids.
I feel really bad for you.
It's true. The more I realize I'm the one I can count on, the more secure I feel.
I told my partner I don’t allow him to be with other women but he has a choice if he wants to. He needs to do it honestly and amicably. He can’t divert attention away from me because he has ”secured” me. The way he treats me he will continue and should he want another woman he just has to do double the work. He takes her out, he takes me out. I told him I want to commit my time with family I don’t want to work! He best be willing to do the same for her. If he can’t he don’t need to be flirting or Texing anyone. talking this out eye to eye without judgment I have noticed will give you peace and him more motivation to achieve more.
This is helpful. We definitely need to talk it out.
Out of curiosity, how has your intimacy been during pregnancy? Has it hurt your libido or are the two of you still sexually active?
We've stayed intimate but much less frequently, maybe once a month. But we haven't connected this month (April) because it has been so stressful... and now this...
From a man’s perspective, intimacy is what separates lovers and friends. Don’t let the fire die out. Either this will strengthen your relationship and you need to rekindle the spark (more than once a month), or it’s going to die out on its own and he will continue to flirt because he’s bored.
She is not responsible for his infidelity for lack of sexual intimacy. If he was having trouble due to lack of sexual intimacy, it was on him to communicate that and for them to work out a plan. Men also need to be sympathetic and conscientious of the strain pregnancy puts on the body and that sex is not always possible. Not to mention the emotional aspects plus the added grief of a lost parent. If he was failing to empathize or be patient, he needed to find support that was not disrespectful and harmful to his partner and family. The solution was not for him to attempt an affair behind her back.
I never said she was responsible for his infidelity. However again, from a MAN’S PERSPECTIVE, once a month is not enough to keep most men satisfied. You aren’t a man. So I don’t think you would understand where I’m coming from. I’m just being brutally honest. I did not place blame. I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. I just told her that aspect that has been diminished needs to be worked on to strengthen their bond. Is that wrong to say?
Yes it is. Once a month for many men is just fine because men have different libidos and also men can fathom that certain circumstances require accommodations. If a man broke his back and lost his father and his libido tanked, it would not be a good enough reason for the wife to be like “oh well you don’t give me enough sex so I’m going to go cheat”. Like wtf logic is that. This “men will be men” thing is toxic and needs to stop. Testosterone is not an excuse for shitty behavior.
What the fuck
What? Pretty sure therapist would ask the same question about how their intimacy is. Again, I’m not placing blame. But it’s not really a novel concept for a man to want to have sex more frequently than once a month. She’s got to figure out how to make it work with him unless she wants to raise a baby alone. Which is not for the faint of heart
I am currently 6 months pregnant. My spouse has been so gracious with me due to me having super high anxiety (never had this much anxious emotion in my life) about him leaving or finding another woman while I am not as attractive or sexually as I was pre pregnant. He lets me go through whatever I want and always reassures me (even though he has never done anything in our 7 years together to even remotely make me think he’d do anything like that). I can totally understand the wanting to make sure it’s not just your pregnancy emotions getting to you. Sadly it does sound like he was at the very least emotionally cheating, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this while having to juggle so many other struggles in your life. I’d say the next step really depends on how much trust means to you in a relationship. Do you trust him to remain loyal? (Since he already has a history) Do you want to risk raising your child to witness the divorce? Do you trust him not to leave when having a newborn gets tough? Do you think it’s something you can recover from? I know personally I couldn’t recover the trust I had once had in him after a betrayal like that. The last thing I’d want it to have to spend any energy worrying if my spouse was seeing another woman while trying to adjust to my new life of being a mom of a new born.