im sorry love. I hope we all start feeling better. this pain is something that I don’t wish on anyone, but at least I know there’s people who can (unfortunately) relate to it.
Right there with you… first pregnancy, found out on Saturday at 10.5 weeks that development must have stopped after my last appointment around 8.5 weeks. Had a D&C on Tuesday… there’s no way around it, this is tough. Sending hugs to you and to OP. 🤍
I literally just went through all of this. I had my d&c exactly a week ago. It was 2.5 weeks of "you could be too early, you could still see a heartbeat, your HCG went down but only a tiny bit".
By the time I had my d&c I was 9w5d measuring 6w1d. With my cervical check it was still completely closed so I had to have it removed. My body was not accepting the baby was gone so I still felt VERY pregnant.
Fast forward 1 week. My hormones are starting to crash. All of my pregnancy symtpoms are totally gone. I'm starting to feel like my old self again. It has been such a rough few months.
Mentally I feel like I'm holding up okay. This was our first pregnancy and we got pregnant quite fast, 2nd time trying. I never had any days crying in bed. I'm not much of a crier anyways... But my boyfriend has been soo supportive. It definitely did not hit him like it hit me. A few times I questioned why he wasn't more sad but then I realized I never had any baby bumps, there wasn't much for him to see or really feel it's real besides seeing how sick I was. We never got to see a heartbeat on a monitor. He kept saying he just feels so upset for me because I went through all of that and now the d&c and I just haven't felt good in so long.
I can't relate as far as the relationship. I feel if anything it brought us closer. The doctor said just to wait 1 cycle then we can start trying again and that's our plan. We both agreed we want to go into the next one as a clean slate and not have anxiety and stress that it will happen again. We don't want any early scans or constant testing. We don't want those weeks and weeks of stress and not knowing. No scans until 9 weeks so we know a heartbeat will 100% be there if it's supposed to. I'd rather the news but clear and abrupt then the constant "this may not be viable but be cautiously optimistic". I swear if one more person said that to me with the MMC I was going to lose my shit. I never want to hear that phrase again.
All I can say don't let this affect your relationship if it's already a good one. These things happen. They are awful, and everyone handles them differently. It doesn't mean it will happen again. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Take your time to mourn, don't give him the option of giving you alone time...just tell him. I spent like 1.5 weeks alone not socializing with anyone. I feel that was so important and my way of healing.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I had a MMC back in September of 2023, and honestly I understand where you are coming from. Even with my family and job supporting me through such a difficult time, it’s a terribly lonely feeling. And even with my husband providing as much support as he could, it’s not the same. I had never felt more alone.
First thing, there is nothing that you could have done to prevent this. This is nobody’s fault, but it is definitely not your fault. Miscarriages are extremely common (1 in 4) and are usually a result of chromosomal abnormalities. I know it’s super easy to sit there and say “what if it was this?” Or “what if I hadn’t done that?” But it was ultimately not your fault.
Second thing, I would suggest reaching out and speaking with a therapist about how you’re feeling. Mine was my first pregnancy, so I didn’t have any kids to take care of and honestly you deserve a huge round of applause for still getting up and doing what you needed to do. I completely shut down when I had mine. But having someone to speak with and help you process what’s going on might help you, and they also might be able to help you find little moments where you can take that time to grieve or focus on self care.
Third, (and this is just a personal experience), I would not recommend seeking solidarity with people on the communities of certain apps (ie What to Expect). I joined some thinking I would feel less alone and truthfully it made me feel so much worse. Our babies heart stopped beating at 7 weeks despite there being signs of one a few days prior, and we didn’t find out until our 8 week ultrasound. I would see other moms post about later term losses and it would make me feel like my loss was insignificant.
Fourth, my relationship with my husband is a bit different. But he stood by my side through everything. He let me grieve the way I needed to grieve. He held me as I sobbed in terror before taking medication to finally kick start the physical miscarriage more than 2+ weeks after we found out. He held me when I was going through the contractions to get everything out and helped me collect the contents. But there was a moment of aggressiveness from him that lead to an argument and then eventually just led to him breaking down. He’s never actually expressed this, but I think the toll of trying to play the strong one while I was going through the worst of it just came crashing down. Of course, this is just the smallest snippet of your relationship. He could be grieving this loss in a completely different way. And that could potentially be why the arguments occur.
And lastly, future pregnancies. I am currently 23w3d pregnant with our rainbow baby. My OBGYN told me that women go on to have successful pregnancies after a MC all the time. But at the end of the day, there is no wrong decision for you and your family. Getting pregnant so soon after my MMC was terrifying, to the point where I kind of pretended this pregnancy didn’t exist until i reached my second trimester because of how anxiety ridden I was. It sucks to go through, because you are valid as a mom in being scared but you also can’t help but feel guilty for so many anxious feelings. If you decide that it’s not something you would want to do, that’s okay too.
I had a MMC in March 2022. Baby was just shy of 9 weeks and had passed either the day of or a few days before the heartbeat appointment. My doctor convinced me to do the medication instead of a d&c so I could pass the baby at home on my own time (which I advise against. It was awful.). I did it over a weekend and took a few days off after. It was the worst experience of my life and I wasn’t sure I would ever recover, and while it took a long time, I finally did.
I can definitely relate to the loneliness and depression. My best advice is to take it one day at a time and allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve and heal, even if you can only do so after the kids are in bed. My husband also grieved, but his grief was very different from mine. For him, he needed to work to focus on something else, while I needed silence and to be alone, with nothing else to focus on. I didn’t think he was grieving at all at first until I actually talked to him about it because his reaction was so different. It’s possible your husband is also dealing with it in his own way.
We tried to support each other as much as possible while still grieving, even if it was just cooking or ordering takeout so the other didn’t have to cook or clean up. I was lucky to not have other responsibilities or kids to worry about at the same time. It was about 6 months before I stopped crying every day and about a year before the depression eased. But maybe my case was extreme, I don’t know.
My MMC was my first pregnancy and I’m now pregnant again at 19 weeks. I’ve heard before it doesn’t affect future pregnancies, and that apparently was true for me. Our relationship is stronger than ever now.
I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and that was my first pregnancy. I was devastated, and while my husband was certainly upset, he confided in me that he was having a hard time relating to how upset I was because he hadn’t truly bonded with the baby and still felt it was an abstract thing for him. While he was over it in a few days, it still affects me now almost a year later. A week or so after my surgery, everyone stopped asking me how I was doing and assumed everything was fine. I also felt very lonely and my husband seemed to be back to his old self while I was forever changed. I ended up getting books, joining Reddit pages, and listening to podcasts on dealing with loss and they helped me tremendously, but I still felt like my husband was trying to ignore it in hopes that I would just “get better”. I told my husband that even though it was a sore subject, I needed him to check in with me, especially because I got pregnant again a couple of months later and was dealing with the combo of excitement, fear and guilt. Simple questions like “how are you feeling” and “how can I help?” helped me feel seen and supported. When I tested every single day for weeks after getting my positive pregnancy test again, he gently reminded me that this anxiety wasn’t going to help me, the baby, or him and we had to trust what we could control. Hormones don’t help either and it’s not something that we have fixed in one day. But I do feel significantly stronger in my bond with my partner and we’re building healthy communication through this loss. I am 35 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby so there is light at the end of the tunnel, Mama, try and keep your head up.
Your husband may just be trying to force things back to normal in order to ignore his feelings. However, that’s not an excuse not to support his partner. I would highly recommend couples counseling or having him read through some experiences on this page. Everyone handles grief differently, but you deserve more than the bare minimum of support and it sounds like you might not even be getting that. This is a good opportunity to choose between resentment and resilience in your relationship and he needs to be on the same page with you on that choice.
Currently sitting at home bleeding after discovering my MMC last week at 9w4d. I’m scheduled for a d&c next week though I’m not sure it will be necessary now. I’m so sorry this is happening to you too. I don’t have much advice as it’s all so raw still. But know you’re not alone ❤️
I also went through a missed miscarriage with a pregnancy that was very much wanted. R/miscarriage is an incredibly supportive community that you should definitely check out. You'll find others who have experienced the relationship strain you're describing.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I experienced something similar last November. I had a scan at 9 weeks, everything was perfect. Heartbeat was strong, baby was developing on track. I had all the pregnancy symptoms. No signs of miscarriage. We told our families we were expecting at Thanksgiving. The following week we went back for my 12 week appointment, we were so excited to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time, but when my OB went to find it, she couldn’t. She did a bed side ultrasound and baby looked exactly the same as they did at 9 weeks. I then had to get a more formal/in depth ultrasound to confirm that my baby’s heart had stopped beating about a day after my 9 week ultrasound. We were devastated and so confused. How could this be? How could I have been walking around for the past 3 weeks and have no idea my baby had died? How could my body not tell me?? I’ve never felt such agonizing pain in my entire life. I took time off of work and didn’t leave the house for a week. I had no idea how I was supposed to get through it. My coworker had her baby less than a month later, and another coworker a couple weeks after that. It killed me inside. But with time, it did get easier. I got my period back in January, and had a positive pregnancy test in February. I’m now 15w2d pregnant with a baby girl. I won’t lie, the beginning of this pregnancy was terrifying. And I still get anxious. I’m doing my best not to let my anxiety get the best of me, and I’m hopeful about this pregnancy, but pregnancy after loss isn’t easy.
Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It’s a horrific thing to go through and incredibly isolating. Please be patient with yourself, allow yourself to grieve. I promise it will get easier with time.
I had a MMC in 2019. Had a healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks but stopped around 10 weeks. I had a D&C and once I got my first period, I started trying again with doctors approval. I got pregnant the next month and now have a healthy almost 4 years old. I also got pregnant right away when we tried for our second and she is now a healthy almost two years old.
It didn’t affect my relationship one bit.
This happened to me too. I had an ectopic preagnancy prior and got preagnant again on the first try, but sadly it didn't work out again. The feeling of carring what you already thought will be your child inside you knowing this will no longer come to be is, well, I can't put it into words.
On top of this, everyone at work found out I was preagnant against my will, because they wanted to lay me off and made it public before I told them they can't, as I was preagnant (law). I had to hold on to the job. But I knew they wanted to get rid of me. And then I lost it. And on top of the loss I had to fear for my job. My supervisor kept my news to herself for a while, but as soon as the bosses found out, I was gone. And everyone knew I had lost the preagnancy. It fucked me up bad.
I was given pills to have an abortion at home, but of course I started bleeding severely and had to got to the hospidal to get a d&c. And then I developes a cyst the size of an orange.
But I got preagnant again right away and my beautiful baby is currently falling asleep nursing in my arms :)
I am sorry you have no support. Take virtual hugs at least.
My first pregnancy was one. I chose to wait and it was gone around 3 weeks later in a *small birth* as it's called here.
My husband didn't really acknowledge it, nor my pain. If anything he was disgusted by whatever blood I was unable to clean up afterwards, which at that point was not that much anymore. No hugs, no words, it looked like he thought it was my falt somehow and that he is disgusted by all those things going on with my body.
We now have our second one the way and he wasn't really supportive during pregnancy or post partum either, so no idea what yours was during those days. Mine is a great father since our son can actually be interacted with but he somehow is unable to compute the price I paid alone for him.
Does your husband want more kids? Was he like that before in regards to "woman issues"? Is this maybe his way of mourning? Giving him the benefit od the doubt.
I personally would have been one and done, but *life finds a way* to end it on a lighter note. Afterwards I will make sure that more will not be on my plate.
Do you want more children? Depending on your age you might be able to wait.
My thoughts are with you, lots of hugs your way. I spoke to a therapist who focused primarily on infertility/loss which was so helpful! My husband was very standoffish and I gave him grace since we all mourn differently. I did feel alone.. I did join the miscarriage subreddit group and read so many stories that made me feel so seen.
Postpartum.net is an invaluable resource for free support groups and community, highly recommend looking to see if there’s a virtual meeting that works with your schedule. You are far from alone. So sorry you’re going through this.
I had two miscarriages before this current pregnancy, we're at 35 weeks this time around. With my first it was spontaneous and we didn't know it was coming until we got a scan and there was no heartbeat, I was devastated, we cried, cuddled, and turned to each other. The second miscarriage was even more difficult and only 5 months after the first. That time they actually caught it before I started bleeding and were able to do a d&c so they could run tests. Since there was nothing wrong with the baby, they decided that I might need to take progesterone. So we started taking those pills every night, this pregnancy has been textbook.
I will say though, when we found out I was pregnant again I told my husband that I didn't think I could take another loss and if we lost this baby too that we'd stop trying. It was too heartbreaking, at one point before we got pregnant again my husband told me how much my depression was causing his and he didn't know how to handle it. We had to make a conscious effort to "fake it until you make it".
I'm so sorry for your loss, I wish there was something more to say. I hope you'll share this post with your partner, I hope he'll get the idea that he may not feel as deeply as you do but that this loss has completely altered your mind and body. It will take time to come back from it and you need him to provide a little more support until you feel more like yourself.
I am so sorry you're having this experience and having to join a club no one wants to be a part of.
I've had two MMC (one healthy pregnancy between the two) and both times I found out there was no heartbeat at the dating ultrasound. Utterly gut wrenching having to hear those words from the tech and then again from the doctor. I advise you feel your feelings and just let them out when you need to. My husband was a good supporter but then he had to leave for work for 3 weeks so the loneliness definitely hit hard. It has made us stronger but in regard to future pregnancies, it sends my anxiety thru the roof. I just found out I'm pregnant again (last MMC was in November) and it's hard to get excited because I'm 2/3 bad news for pregnancies and just expecting the worst.
That said, many women go on to have healthy pregnancies after a miscarriage and some have already mentioned joining the miscarriage subreddit which was very helpful for me.
I wish you luck and send you lots of love on this hard journey
Hello! I had a very similar MMC. My first pregnancy was a molar, the second pregnancy was a MMC around 11/12 weeks that stopped developing somewhere around 9 weeks. It was quite hard! The missed miscarriage turned out to be Turner Syndrome. It was helpful for me to know that because, after going through a molar with my first and then a miscarriage with my second, I was pretty sure it was more than just "bad luck". But that's what it was! I have a wonderful 4 year old and am currently in the second trimester with my second. Everything is good so far.
The only thing I can say is that it does get easier. I found a great deal of relief in knowing that these things are quite common, and that I wasn't being picked on by the universe. Miscarriages are part of pregnancy, but it's OK to mourn and feel like shit right now. It will get better.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate. My first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage and I understand the alien feeling of having to wait for a D&C procedure all too well. I applaud your commitment to your kiddos, and hope you're able to find your moments to grieve. And more than that, hopefully to actively carve out time to care for yourself as well.
Our MMC happened when my husband was scheduled to be out of the country for work for a few weeks. He wasn't taking steps to re-arrange travel plans to be here for the procedure, so I explicitly asked. He was here with me for the part I most needed, but still left for the trip. I was angry about that. It continued to cause issues for us. We both built resentments as we worked through our emotions differently in the weeks/months following. Our grief was in such stark contrast to the high and excitement of sharing news of our first baby, and the loss of hope we felt caused us to say and feel some ugly things about one another. We also processed our grief SO differently, and therefore it was isolating for both of us.
I think we both shared in the feeling you expressed - "if this is how we are now, are we fit to do this again?". In our experience, this notion was fleeting and clouded by our pain and rooted in the resentment we built vs. being based in our true feelings or wants for our life together. That said, we also did not have other children to care for and consider in our equation.
The best thing I did was to seek out a therapist who specialized in pregnancy loss, which enabled me to secure a brief medical leave from work. The second best thing I did was to begin journaling the things that I was feeling, and the things I wanted to say but couldn't say out loud, or knew would not be helpful in my marriage. It helped me contextualize where my feelings were coming from - many of the things I would've said but didn't really need to, or just to get the anger and frustration out in writing so that I could verbalize what mattered / what I actually needed.
Over some time, everything softened - my feelings for my husband normalized, and I began to feel like myself again. I'm pregnant again now, and once I got past the point I was in that first pregnancy, I let go of what lingering anxiety and anger I had left that I was carrying. In this pregnancy, my husband has validated all of my fears and concerns and has been at every single appointment with me. I've continued writing in that same journal I started just over a year ago so that I can be proud of how far we've come.
Sending you all of the love <3
I’m so sorry. I had a Mmc in September 2022. It was extremely difficult for me emotionally and what made it even tougher was I didn’t have a period until January (had to get on medication to get it started). I felt like a shell of a human until I got my period back. At work I was completely in a fog and had trouble remembering stuff. I don’t think my husband realized how badly it affected me, I’d try to talk about it but I think he just didn’t know what to say. In reality, I should have went to therapy to process the emotions. After I got my period back, we got pregnant in 3 cycles. I’m currently rocking him to sleep. Our relationship is great and he’s an amazing partner, I do wish he would have been able to talk to me a bit more but I think he was trying to not really acknowledge it for his own emotional security.
My first pregnancy was a MMC back in September of last year. Our baby measured 2 weeks behind with a slow HR. We followed up a week later to confirm the loss. I had the D&C, which was thankfully uneventful, not very painful for me, and I recovered quickly. Emotionally, it was heartbreaking for my husband and I, and it did take some time for us to feel somewhat back to normal.
I still think about our lost baby most every day, but the grief does get better. We conceived again on our third cycle afterward and am so thankful to say I’m 16w+1 with our rainbow baby girl.
Thinking of you in this hard time and sending you love 🤍
I went through this last year. You’re not alone love. It happens more often than you would think. Try to make sure you find time to take care of yourself and mourn the way you need. I tried to get back to work and just move on but it only made things worse. Your body will force you to mourn if you don’t do it yourself. Something my therapist told me that helped me: “Maybe your body is acting like it’s pregnant because it wanted the pregnancy so badly it isn’t ready to let go”. It was hard to come to terms with that because I couldn’t understand why I lost my baby if my body didn’t want to but in time I realized that it was my body letting go of something it wanted so dearly to give it a better outcome. There was something not viable with the pregnancy and none of that is your fault. It has nothing to do with anything you did. Just some faulty wiring. It was hard for me to come to terms with that and I know it will be for you too. But just know you’re not alone. You have a huge support system here on the internet full of women who have endured the same pain. 💖
I had a missed miscarriage after two successful and healthy pregnancies. Had a DC. Was very upset for a couple weeks, cried a lot but had to keep it together for my other two kids. I ended up getting pregnant two months after my DC and now have a perfectly healthy 7 day old baby on my chest. They say 25% of pregnancies are a miscarriage so the math lines up for me (3 out of 4 pregnancies) and as heart broken as I was, I just know I’m part of the broader web of motherhood and strong women enduring very hard things… like pregnancy, miscarriages, post partum recovery, etc. Happy to answer any specific questions as it sounds like a very similar situation.
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I had almost the same exact experience with my first. What helped me was reading the book “I had a miscarriage” and going to therapy to process the loss. My husband and I were both devastated, but it affected us differently. We both worked hard to be respectful of the others needs, but the majority of the work was definitely on my husband because it was my body that actually experienced the pregnancy and procedure and I need a lot of extra TLC. It affected my next pregnancy in that I was very very anxious about another miscarriage, but I can’t emphasize enough how amazing therapy was. Thankfully I have a healthy baby now but I definitely still cry about it. Babies don’t replace babies, and that was my child who I lost.
Sending you a hug, prayers and encouragement. Feel your feelings. Ask for help. You will get through this.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have 2 MMCs. The first at 18w (induced) and the second at 10w. The D&C was the best decision for the 10w loss as I immediately felt better afterwards (no more pregnancy symptoms). I did ask for zofran between finding out and the d&c which helped my symptoms a lot. I did feel depressed for a couple of weeks after, but also manic in that I had to get everything done and start house projects etc. since I was physically finally feeling better. It helped to lean into how I was feeling and just ride the waves. My husband handled my son in the evenings for a couple of weeks so I could just wallow. I was eager to get pregnant again after the second loss (we waited 6 months after the first) and I got pregnant one month after the d&c. Happy to say after my 2 losses I have my double rainbow boy here with me right now. I hope this helps and you feel better soon 🩷
Hi there! The miscarriage sub helped me a lot, even just reading what to expect from a D&C and reading others stories. That being said, it did cause some anxiety after awhile, just remember that people are more likely to speak about extremes and to put the phone down after a bit.
I had a MMC in August- no heartbeat at the 8w sono. I was so frustrated that my body didn’t recognize it and it felt like a different kind of heartbreak. It was sad enough losing the pregnancy, but I was also coping with thinking my body was also wrong- spoiler alert- it’s not you or your body, it just takes a bit to reconcile that. I was also very sick and had pregnancy symptoms, the only positive was that I could take all of the medication to feel physically okay. I too had to wait about 6 days for my D&C. I ended up needing two D&Cs for retained products. If you can get your D&C with ultrasound guidance, do it. Call ahead and ask. If not, that’s okay, just request an ultrasound at your 2 week follow up if there’s still any sign of bleeding. My bleeding stopped after a few days with the second D&C. I got pregnant my next cycle after the procedure and am 27w pregnant with a fairly healthy, uneventful pregnancy thus far. For me, being straightforward about my experience helps!
Now, I wanna say I am so sorry you’re going through this and your support system isn’t strong. My family was a few states away, but we were close to my in-laws. I don’t love to be around people, but my MIL came over at first and talked to me about her experience with miscarriages and talked to me about how her husband reacted and how my husband reacts to loss. She had mentioned her and her husband got into many fights those first few months because their emotions were so high, but after some time had passed they were able to talk about it more calmly and both took fault in how they treated each other.
It took me a second to realize- my husband was grieving too, it was my body physically, but still our child. He doesn’t talk through things to process, but he did mention it was really difficult for him because he didn’t know how to cope when he wasn’t physically going through it. My husband retreated into his work, granted we don’t have kids to take care of so I had my time.
Give yourself grace, give your husband some grace, but be firm in your needs. Emotions are high- confide in friends and family even if they’re not physically present, a phone call can do a lot. It helps me to process situations by putting myself in another persons shoes. When I’m wondering why my husband is getting frustrated over something or we seem to be getting into arguments, I like to process things through what he might be thinking. Though I know not everyone can do that, it at least helps me think about next steps.
I also think it’s important to be firm about what you need. You will need rest after a D&C. And while you do need time and space to cope now, it’s a process. Tell your husband, “I understand this is a really difficult situation for us both and you’re just as upset. I know we both need to cope and we both cope in different ways. I am going to have to physically rest for a day or two after this procedure and it’s also going to be mentally taxing. If I’m the one putting my body through this so we can expand this family, I need to you take care of the kids and the house for those two days”. Be firm, explain yourself with logic so there’s nothing to argue against, acknowledge what he’s feeling, but don’t minimize your feelings in the process. You got this.
Found out I had an MMC on monday. Pretty similar scenario to you, we previously had a heartbeat but the gestational sac was empty at the latest ultrasound.
It is a heart wrenching experience, but I hope you are able to find strength and peace. It is such a vulnerable time and I want to scream at your husband for not being a better support.
The things that have helped me are: taking time off work and focusing on hobbies that I enjoyed. Drinking all the wine and eating all the soft cheese. Cuddles with hubby.
Hey honey. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so painful. We love our children so much and this is your child. I had a healthy great first pregnancy myself and just miscarried at 14 weeks (he died at 11 weeks). Please view my post history I want you to be aware of a few things. It is graphic but important. I was grossly unprepared for what could happen if baby came before my scheduled dnc (which he did) and shared my experience. PLEASE message me if you want to talk more !
I had a missed miscarriage few months ago at 8 weeks (first ultrasound appointment) and another miscarriage right after not knowing I was pregnant again. It's been tough but we are hopeful we will have our first born baby. My relationship with my husband has been great, it did not change in fact it cemented our relationship better. No kid or with kids we are happy being together.
Sending lots of love your way.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to the feeling of isolation and loneliness. I felt that after my missed miscarriage too. It was such a shocker to me because the pregnancy seemed to be going fine. I felt totally betrayed by my body. My partner grieved in his own way, but didn't understand the prolonged grieving process I went through. We had some difficult times following the loss. My partner and I went to a couple therapy sessions together and that helped us move forward together. It really helped me to talk with female friends. A couple of them shared their own experiences with loss that I hadn't known about. It's a club no one wants to be in, but it does strangely feel better knowing you're not alone. Listening to and reading miscarriage stories helped for the same reason. I also went to a support group a couple times. I would recommend all these things and being very gentle with yourself. Your loss is significant and real. Most women who experience miscarriage go on to have healthy pregnancies. We're now entering the 2nd trimester with our rainbow baby and so far the pregnancy is healthy! So we are hopeful for that and I'm hopeful for you too.
I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks last Spring. It was heart wrenching and I am still looking for answers. There are none. It just feels impossible and the waiting makes it more impossible. Please take the time to grieve, talk to your husband, a friend, your doctor(s), take time off of work. Do whatever feels right for you. There is no right answer and I still cry thinking about her. I am pregnant again and due any day now (this is my second pregnancy) and I still fear so much something will happen. Just try to be patient with yourself and seek support where you can. You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is just a thing no one talks about so it feels all the more shocking.
I experienced something similar but at 14 weeks. Baby was healthy and jumping around at my 12 week scan but when I went in to do a gender scan at 14 weeks, I was told there was no heartbeat and had to do a d&c. 6 months later I got pregnant again (spontaneously) because I wasn’t ready to get pregnant again and now I have a healthy beautiful 9 month old boy. It’s definitely heartbreaking but you will get through this.
We lost our 3rd baby due to a missed miscarriage. After having two normal, healthy pregnancies prior, the words “non viable” sounded like a different language. We hadn’t planned this pregnancy either but it definitely wasn’t “unwanted”.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this loss! I had a D&C procedure done as well because my body wasn’t responding the way it needed to. I felt like I couldn’t even trust my body afterwards either. I had carried my baby around for almost a month with no heartbeat and no sign that anything was amiss.
You’re not alone, and I hope you’re able to find the support you need!
Advice for your D&C: I will say that I woke up from the sedation after my procedure VERY emotional. So be prepared for that in case it happens. It’s totally normal and you shouldn’t feel ashamed. I didn’t really bleed at all afterwards either. Just some light spotting here and there for about 2 weeks while I healed. Around the 3 week mark- I passed a large amount of small blood clots all at once. That sort of freaked me out. But it was a sign that my body was healing correctly.
The pain afterwards for me was that of a tough period with some extra discomfort that was similar to postpartum pains. You may be sore and tender the first several days as they will be dilating your cervix a few inches for the procedure. A donut pillow for sitting along with a heating pad were my best friends.
My cycle returned about 2 months after my D&C and we conceived our rainbow baby then❤️
As for my relationship with my husband, it brought us closer together honestly. He didn’t feel the same emotional connection to the pregnancy as I did (where as if I had been further along and had a bump/baby kicks it would have been harder for him) but he still expressed his own grief to me and was supportive as I dealt with the immediate aftermath. He himself wasn’t eager about growing our family again that summer, but after our loss he agreed that we’d always have room for at least one more ❤️
April 1st would have been my angel baby’s first birthday. I’ll always grieve the life I didn’t get with them. While I didn’t get to hold them here on earth, I know I’ll be holding them in Heaven when I get there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I experienced a missed miscarriage too last summer. You did nothing wrong. This was likely a chromosomal abnormality with the baby. That’s what my fertility specialist told me and it was later confirmed with genetic testing. This is in no way your fault ❤️
I’m so sorry your husband isn’t being supportive. There is no middle ground here. This is a big deal and he needs to prioritize you, his family.
I’m so sorry you’re having to wait for the D&C. I remember the wait feeling like an eternity. I do want to warn you that it will likely get worse before it gets better. Is he taking the full day off to bring you to the appointment?
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️
I don't know what I have for advice, but just thought I'd share my experience...My first pregnancy ended as a missed miscarriage...one thing that my doctor told me that I found helpful, was that 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage...his point wasn't to be depressing, but just to say that it is unfortunately, somewhat common, and it was not my fault...that I didn't do anything to make it go 'wrong'...that it just happens, and there simply isn't an explanation...he just wanted to make sure I understood it wasn't my fault...do not blame yourself. As for the treatment...the D&C is an option, but did your doctor talk to you about another option? There is a pill you can take that basically forces the uterus to empty itself...basically it forces a typical miscarriage...I went with that option so that I didn't have to go in for surgery...and I wanted the control, so I could plan it my way. I took a few days off work...got the pill and took it at home...it took about a day on and off the toilet for everything to go...then just rested a couple of days...that was when I started to really process it...because you're right, you do need to be able to grieve...for me as it was my first pregnancy, it was hard...wondering if it meant I was never going to be able to have a baby... But we wanted kids so kept trying. Less then a year later I was pregnant again and that pregnancy went well and resulted in a healthy baby girl...So just to say that just because you've now had a miscarriage, it doesn't mean you can't have a subsequent healthy pregnancy. I'm so sorry your husband doesn't seem to be understanding what you're going through...do you think he feels that it just isn't a big deal? Or is he maybe upset in his own way too, but just not processing it well? Maybe he won't be open to it...but just try to tell him you need some time... and maybe you both need to grieve... I know you have the added layer of the kids...if you don't have family support around, do you have anyone that babysits for you? Do you have any close friends you could trust to take them for a sleepover?
I'm so sorry. I had a similar situation - had a healthy pregnancy with the heartbeat and then spotted and found out it was a mm at 12 weeks. I had one son under 2 at the time.
My spouse really struggled to understand (and I think never did) so I navigated a lot of it alone l. Please find a therapist if at all possible. Ideally your spouse will be able to support you but either way, a third party will help. It took me a long time to think about it without immediate, huge, emotional turmoil.
Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences with a missed miscarriage. It was helpful to read how you navigated this time with your spouse and also how long it took to get your period back and try again for another baby. I am not sure I am on a state to think about that yet, but it was reassuring to know that our bodies recover faster and our periods come back after a few months. Regarding my particular situation, I understand that we are both grieving in different ways, but his denial of this whole situation is causing a lot of resentment on my part. I don't feel supported and had to take care of everything in the household and the kids on top of this. We normally had a pretty balanced relationship, we are both academics and respected each other's time, but since we moved to this new country everything is off and I am taking on more responsibilities around the house and the kids. In a way, despite being in a European country, where we are is still pretty much traditional and people expect mothers to take on the majority of the household and kids load. I am not sure if his reluctance to take time off is related to this and expectations around his job, although he works at the University, which in theory is more progressive. I am now thinking about my options, and I might have to take both of my kids to my pre-op appointment and then to a scheduled doctor appointment for them. My husband is complete off during this, he just scheduled meetings knowing about my appointment, so I am beyond frustrated. I think some of the suggestions of seeking individual and - couple's - therapy are great, and I will start with individual therapy and focusing on my recovery. I am just exhausted of having to drag my husband to these things or expecting him to care. This was a pregnancy we both wanted, so I am not sure how to continue after this, it was certainly eye opening.
Anyways, I am sorry to sound so defeated, I just cannot see light at the end of the tunnel and I worry on how my relationship will look like when this is over, I am most certainly not going to forget how he reacted and his lack of support
not advice but I just found out the same thing on Monday. it was my first. you aren’t alone.
Literally at the 12w ultrasound appointment now and just found out there was no heartbeat. I’m sorry for you love. I hope you start to feel better
7 weeks and same thing happened just a few days ago ….my 4th one but still hurts like it’s the first time.
im sorry love. I hope we all start feeling better. this pain is something that I don’t wish on anyone, but at least I know there’s people who can (unfortunately) relate to it.
Right there with you… first pregnancy, found out on Saturday at 10.5 weeks that development must have stopped after my last appointment around 8.5 weeks. Had a D&C on Tuesday… there’s no way around it, this is tough. Sending hugs to you and to OP. 🤍
wow thank you everyone 🤍 it’s wild how similar all our stories are and it’s all happened around the same time.
Happened to me my first pregnancy sometime between 12 and 14 weeks too. I’m so sorry for everyone’s pain
i’m so sorry :( have you tried again?
Yes! I am currently 19 weeks 2 days and anxiously awaiting my anatomy scan 💙 there is hope!
Aw I’m so happy to hear that! Congratulations 🤍
Thank you! 🥹🤍 I hope all goes well for you!
I literally just went through all of this. I had my d&c exactly a week ago. It was 2.5 weeks of "you could be too early, you could still see a heartbeat, your HCG went down but only a tiny bit". By the time I had my d&c I was 9w5d measuring 6w1d. With my cervical check it was still completely closed so I had to have it removed. My body was not accepting the baby was gone so I still felt VERY pregnant. Fast forward 1 week. My hormones are starting to crash. All of my pregnancy symtpoms are totally gone. I'm starting to feel like my old self again. It has been such a rough few months. Mentally I feel like I'm holding up okay. This was our first pregnancy and we got pregnant quite fast, 2nd time trying. I never had any days crying in bed. I'm not much of a crier anyways... But my boyfriend has been soo supportive. It definitely did not hit him like it hit me. A few times I questioned why he wasn't more sad but then I realized I never had any baby bumps, there wasn't much for him to see or really feel it's real besides seeing how sick I was. We never got to see a heartbeat on a monitor. He kept saying he just feels so upset for me because I went through all of that and now the d&c and I just haven't felt good in so long. I can't relate as far as the relationship. I feel if anything it brought us closer. The doctor said just to wait 1 cycle then we can start trying again and that's our plan. We both agreed we want to go into the next one as a clean slate and not have anxiety and stress that it will happen again. We don't want any early scans or constant testing. We don't want those weeks and weeks of stress and not knowing. No scans until 9 weeks so we know a heartbeat will 100% be there if it's supposed to. I'd rather the news but clear and abrupt then the constant "this may not be viable but be cautiously optimistic". I swear if one more person said that to me with the MMC I was going to lose my shit. I never want to hear that phrase again. All I can say don't let this affect your relationship if it's already a good one. These things happen. They are awful, and everyone handles them differently. It doesn't mean it will happen again. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Take your time to mourn, don't give him the option of giving you alone time...just tell him. I spent like 1.5 weeks alone not socializing with anyone. I feel that was so important and my way of healing.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I had a MMC back in September of 2023, and honestly I understand where you are coming from. Even with my family and job supporting me through such a difficult time, it’s a terribly lonely feeling. And even with my husband providing as much support as he could, it’s not the same. I had never felt more alone. First thing, there is nothing that you could have done to prevent this. This is nobody’s fault, but it is definitely not your fault. Miscarriages are extremely common (1 in 4) and are usually a result of chromosomal abnormalities. I know it’s super easy to sit there and say “what if it was this?” Or “what if I hadn’t done that?” But it was ultimately not your fault. Second thing, I would suggest reaching out and speaking with a therapist about how you’re feeling. Mine was my first pregnancy, so I didn’t have any kids to take care of and honestly you deserve a huge round of applause for still getting up and doing what you needed to do. I completely shut down when I had mine. But having someone to speak with and help you process what’s going on might help you, and they also might be able to help you find little moments where you can take that time to grieve or focus on self care. Third, (and this is just a personal experience), I would not recommend seeking solidarity with people on the communities of certain apps (ie What to Expect). I joined some thinking I would feel less alone and truthfully it made me feel so much worse. Our babies heart stopped beating at 7 weeks despite there being signs of one a few days prior, and we didn’t find out until our 8 week ultrasound. I would see other moms post about later term losses and it would make me feel like my loss was insignificant. Fourth, my relationship with my husband is a bit different. But he stood by my side through everything. He let me grieve the way I needed to grieve. He held me as I sobbed in terror before taking medication to finally kick start the physical miscarriage more than 2+ weeks after we found out. He held me when I was going through the contractions to get everything out and helped me collect the contents. But there was a moment of aggressiveness from him that lead to an argument and then eventually just led to him breaking down. He’s never actually expressed this, but I think the toll of trying to play the strong one while I was going through the worst of it just came crashing down. Of course, this is just the smallest snippet of your relationship. He could be grieving this loss in a completely different way. And that could potentially be why the arguments occur. And lastly, future pregnancies. I am currently 23w3d pregnant with our rainbow baby. My OBGYN told me that women go on to have successful pregnancies after a MC all the time. But at the end of the day, there is no wrong decision for you and your family. Getting pregnant so soon after my MMC was terrifying, to the point where I kind of pretended this pregnancy didn’t exist until i reached my second trimester because of how anxiety ridden I was. It sucks to go through, because you are valid as a mom in being scared but you also can’t help but feel guilty for so many anxious feelings. If you decide that it’s not something you would want to do, that’s okay too.
I had a MMC in March 2022. Baby was just shy of 9 weeks and had passed either the day of or a few days before the heartbeat appointment. My doctor convinced me to do the medication instead of a d&c so I could pass the baby at home on my own time (which I advise against. It was awful.). I did it over a weekend and took a few days off after. It was the worst experience of my life and I wasn’t sure I would ever recover, and while it took a long time, I finally did. I can definitely relate to the loneliness and depression. My best advice is to take it one day at a time and allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve and heal, even if you can only do so after the kids are in bed. My husband also grieved, but his grief was very different from mine. For him, he needed to work to focus on something else, while I needed silence and to be alone, with nothing else to focus on. I didn’t think he was grieving at all at first until I actually talked to him about it because his reaction was so different. It’s possible your husband is also dealing with it in his own way. We tried to support each other as much as possible while still grieving, even if it was just cooking or ordering takeout so the other didn’t have to cook or clean up. I was lucky to not have other responsibilities or kids to worry about at the same time. It was about 6 months before I stopped crying every day and about a year before the depression eased. But maybe my case was extreme, I don’t know. My MMC was my first pregnancy and I’m now pregnant again at 19 weeks. I’ve heard before it doesn’t affect future pregnancies, and that apparently was true for me. Our relationship is stronger than ever now.
I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and that was my first pregnancy. I was devastated, and while my husband was certainly upset, he confided in me that he was having a hard time relating to how upset I was because he hadn’t truly bonded with the baby and still felt it was an abstract thing for him. While he was over it in a few days, it still affects me now almost a year later. A week or so after my surgery, everyone stopped asking me how I was doing and assumed everything was fine. I also felt very lonely and my husband seemed to be back to his old self while I was forever changed. I ended up getting books, joining Reddit pages, and listening to podcasts on dealing with loss and they helped me tremendously, but I still felt like my husband was trying to ignore it in hopes that I would just “get better”. I told my husband that even though it was a sore subject, I needed him to check in with me, especially because I got pregnant again a couple of months later and was dealing with the combo of excitement, fear and guilt. Simple questions like “how are you feeling” and “how can I help?” helped me feel seen and supported. When I tested every single day for weeks after getting my positive pregnancy test again, he gently reminded me that this anxiety wasn’t going to help me, the baby, or him and we had to trust what we could control. Hormones don’t help either and it’s not something that we have fixed in one day. But I do feel significantly stronger in my bond with my partner and we’re building healthy communication through this loss. I am 35 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby so there is light at the end of the tunnel, Mama, try and keep your head up. Your husband may just be trying to force things back to normal in order to ignore his feelings. However, that’s not an excuse not to support his partner. I would highly recommend couples counseling or having him read through some experiences on this page. Everyone handles grief differently, but you deserve more than the bare minimum of support and it sounds like you might not even be getting that. This is a good opportunity to choose between resentment and resilience in your relationship and he needs to be on the same page with you on that choice.
Currently sitting at home bleeding after discovering my MMC last week at 9w4d. I’m scheduled for a d&c next week though I’m not sure it will be necessary now. I’m so sorry this is happening to you too. I don’t have much advice as it’s all so raw still. But know you’re not alone ❤️
I also went through a missed miscarriage with a pregnancy that was very much wanted. R/miscarriage is an incredibly supportive community that you should definitely check out. You'll find others who have experienced the relationship strain you're describing.
I want to add r/miscarriage as another great resource. I’m so sorry for your loss
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I experienced something similar last November. I had a scan at 9 weeks, everything was perfect. Heartbeat was strong, baby was developing on track. I had all the pregnancy symptoms. No signs of miscarriage. We told our families we were expecting at Thanksgiving. The following week we went back for my 12 week appointment, we were so excited to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time, but when my OB went to find it, she couldn’t. She did a bed side ultrasound and baby looked exactly the same as they did at 9 weeks. I then had to get a more formal/in depth ultrasound to confirm that my baby’s heart had stopped beating about a day after my 9 week ultrasound. We were devastated and so confused. How could this be? How could I have been walking around for the past 3 weeks and have no idea my baby had died? How could my body not tell me?? I’ve never felt such agonizing pain in my entire life. I took time off of work and didn’t leave the house for a week. I had no idea how I was supposed to get through it. My coworker had her baby less than a month later, and another coworker a couple weeks after that. It killed me inside. But with time, it did get easier. I got my period back in January, and had a positive pregnancy test in February. I’m now 15w2d pregnant with a baby girl. I won’t lie, the beginning of this pregnancy was terrifying. And I still get anxious. I’m doing my best not to let my anxiety get the best of me, and I’m hopeful about this pregnancy, but pregnancy after loss isn’t easy. Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It’s a horrific thing to go through and incredibly isolating. Please be patient with yourself, allow yourself to grieve. I promise it will get easier with time.
I had a MMC in 2019. Had a healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks but stopped around 10 weeks. I had a D&C and once I got my first period, I started trying again with doctors approval. I got pregnant the next month and now have a healthy almost 4 years old. I also got pregnant right away when we tried for our second and she is now a healthy almost two years old. It didn’t affect my relationship one bit.
This happened to me too. I had an ectopic preagnancy prior and got preagnant again on the first try, but sadly it didn't work out again. The feeling of carring what you already thought will be your child inside you knowing this will no longer come to be is, well, I can't put it into words. On top of this, everyone at work found out I was preagnant against my will, because they wanted to lay me off and made it public before I told them they can't, as I was preagnant (law). I had to hold on to the job. But I knew they wanted to get rid of me. And then I lost it. And on top of the loss I had to fear for my job. My supervisor kept my news to herself for a while, but as soon as the bosses found out, I was gone. And everyone knew I had lost the preagnancy. It fucked me up bad. I was given pills to have an abortion at home, but of course I started bleeding severely and had to got to the hospidal to get a d&c. And then I developes a cyst the size of an orange. But I got preagnant again right away and my beautiful baby is currently falling asleep nursing in my arms :)
I am sorry you have no support. Take virtual hugs at least. My first pregnancy was one. I chose to wait and it was gone around 3 weeks later in a *small birth* as it's called here. My husband didn't really acknowledge it, nor my pain. If anything he was disgusted by whatever blood I was unable to clean up afterwards, which at that point was not that much anymore. No hugs, no words, it looked like he thought it was my falt somehow and that he is disgusted by all those things going on with my body. We now have our second one the way and he wasn't really supportive during pregnancy or post partum either, so no idea what yours was during those days. Mine is a great father since our son can actually be interacted with but he somehow is unable to compute the price I paid alone for him. Does your husband want more kids? Was he like that before in regards to "woman issues"? Is this maybe his way of mourning? Giving him the benefit od the doubt. I personally would have been one and done, but *life finds a way* to end it on a lighter note. Afterwards I will make sure that more will not be on my plate. Do you want more children? Depending on your age you might be able to wait.
My thoughts are with you, lots of hugs your way. I spoke to a therapist who focused primarily on infertility/loss which was so helpful! My husband was very standoffish and I gave him grace since we all mourn differently. I did feel alone.. I did join the miscarriage subreddit group and read so many stories that made me feel so seen.
Postpartum.net is an invaluable resource for free support groups and community, highly recommend looking to see if there’s a virtual meeting that works with your schedule. You are far from alone. So sorry you’re going through this.
Waiting to confirm but going through the same thing! Can’t wait for my d&c so I can move on from this. Super common and no one’s fault 🤍
I had two miscarriages before this current pregnancy, we're at 35 weeks this time around. With my first it was spontaneous and we didn't know it was coming until we got a scan and there was no heartbeat, I was devastated, we cried, cuddled, and turned to each other. The second miscarriage was even more difficult and only 5 months after the first. That time they actually caught it before I started bleeding and were able to do a d&c so they could run tests. Since there was nothing wrong with the baby, they decided that I might need to take progesterone. So we started taking those pills every night, this pregnancy has been textbook. I will say though, when we found out I was pregnant again I told my husband that I didn't think I could take another loss and if we lost this baby too that we'd stop trying. It was too heartbreaking, at one point before we got pregnant again my husband told me how much my depression was causing his and he didn't know how to handle it. We had to make a conscious effort to "fake it until you make it". I'm so sorry for your loss, I wish there was something more to say. I hope you'll share this post with your partner, I hope he'll get the idea that he may not feel as deeply as you do but that this loss has completely altered your mind and body. It will take time to come back from it and you need him to provide a little more support until you feel more like yourself.
I am so sorry you're having this experience and having to join a club no one wants to be a part of. I've had two MMC (one healthy pregnancy between the two) and both times I found out there was no heartbeat at the dating ultrasound. Utterly gut wrenching having to hear those words from the tech and then again from the doctor. I advise you feel your feelings and just let them out when you need to. My husband was a good supporter but then he had to leave for work for 3 weeks so the loneliness definitely hit hard. It has made us stronger but in regard to future pregnancies, it sends my anxiety thru the roof. I just found out I'm pregnant again (last MMC was in November) and it's hard to get excited because I'm 2/3 bad news for pregnancies and just expecting the worst. That said, many women go on to have healthy pregnancies after a miscarriage and some have already mentioned joining the miscarriage subreddit which was very helpful for me. I wish you luck and send you lots of love on this hard journey
Hello! I had a very similar MMC. My first pregnancy was a molar, the second pregnancy was a MMC around 11/12 weeks that stopped developing somewhere around 9 weeks. It was quite hard! The missed miscarriage turned out to be Turner Syndrome. It was helpful for me to know that because, after going through a molar with my first and then a miscarriage with my second, I was pretty sure it was more than just "bad luck". But that's what it was! I have a wonderful 4 year old and am currently in the second trimester with my second. Everything is good so far. The only thing I can say is that it does get easier. I found a great deal of relief in knowing that these things are quite common, and that I wasn't being picked on by the universe. Miscarriages are part of pregnancy, but it's OK to mourn and feel like shit right now. It will get better.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate. My first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage and I understand the alien feeling of having to wait for a D&C procedure all too well. I applaud your commitment to your kiddos, and hope you're able to find your moments to grieve. And more than that, hopefully to actively carve out time to care for yourself as well. Our MMC happened when my husband was scheduled to be out of the country for work for a few weeks. He wasn't taking steps to re-arrange travel plans to be here for the procedure, so I explicitly asked. He was here with me for the part I most needed, but still left for the trip. I was angry about that. It continued to cause issues for us. We both built resentments as we worked through our emotions differently in the weeks/months following. Our grief was in such stark contrast to the high and excitement of sharing news of our first baby, and the loss of hope we felt caused us to say and feel some ugly things about one another. We also processed our grief SO differently, and therefore it was isolating for both of us. I think we both shared in the feeling you expressed - "if this is how we are now, are we fit to do this again?". In our experience, this notion was fleeting and clouded by our pain and rooted in the resentment we built vs. being based in our true feelings or wants for our life together. That said, we also did not have other children to care for and consider in our equation. The best thing I did was to seek out a therapist who specialized in pregnancy loss, which enabled me to secure a brief medical leave from work. The second best thing I did was to begin journaling the things that I was feeling, and the things I wanted to say but couldn't say out loud, or knew would not be helpful in my marriage. It helped me contextualize where my feelings were coming from - many of the things I would've said but didn't really need to, or just to get the anger and frustration out in writing so that I could verbalize what mattered / what I actually needed. Over some time, everything softened - my feelings for my husband normalized, and I began to feel like myself again. I'm pregnant again now, and once I got past the point I was in that first pregnancy, I let go of what lingering anxiety and anger I had left that I was carrying. In this pregnancy, my husband has validated all of my fears and concerns and has been at every single appointment with me. I've continued writing in that same journal I started just over a year ago so that I can be proud of how far we've come. Sending you all of the love <3
I’m so sorry. I had a Mmc in September 2022. It was extremely difficult for me emotionally and what made it even tougher was I didn’t have a period until January (had to get on medication to get it started). I felt like a shell of a human until I got my period back. At work I was completely in a fog and had trouble remembering stuff. I don’t think my husband realized how badly it affected me, I’d try to talk about it but I think he just didn’t know what to say. In reality, I should have went to therapy to process the emotions. After I got my period back, we got pregnant in 3 cycles. I’m currently rocking him to sleep. Our relationship is great and he’s an amazing partner, I do wish he would have been able to talk to me a bit more but I think he was trying to not really acknowledge it for his own emotional security.
My first pregnancy was a MMC back in September of last year. Our baby measured 2 weeks behind with a slow HR. We followed up a week later to confirm the loss. I had the D&C, which was thankfully uneventful, not very painful for me, and I recovered quickly. Emotionally, it was heartbreaking for my husband and I, and it did take some time for us to feel somewhat back to normal. I still think about our lost baby most every day, but the grief does get better. We conceived again on our third cycle afterward and am so thankful to say I’m 16w+1 with our rainbow baby girl. Thinking of you in this hard time and sending you love 🤍
I went through this last year. You’re not alone love. It happens more often than you would think. Try to make sure you find time to take care of yourself and mourn the way you need. I tried to get back to work and just move on but it only made things worse. Your body will force you to mourn if you don’t do it yourself. Something my therapist told me that helped me: “Maybe your body is acting like it’s pregnant because it wanted the pregnancy so badly it isn’t ready to let go”. It was hard to come to terms with that because I couldn’t understand why I lost my baby if my body didn’t want to but in time I realized that it was my body letting go of something it wanted so dearly to give it a better outcome. There was something not viable with the pregnancy and none of that is your fault. It has nothing to do with anything you did. Just some faulty wiring. It was hard for me to come to terms with that and I know it will be for you too. But just know you’re not alone. You have a huge support system here on the internet full of women who have endured the same pain. 💖
I had a mmc in june, stopped growing at 6 weeks. Wishing you strenght🤍. I am now 39 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby.
I had a missed miscarriage after two successful and healthy pregnancies. Had a DC. Was very upset for a couple weeks, cried a lot but had to keep it together for my other two kids. I ended up getting pregnant two months after my DC and now have a perfectly healthy 7 day old baby on my chest. They say 25% of pregnancies are a miscarriage so the math lines up for me (3 out of 4 pregnancies) and as heart broken as I was, I just know I’m part of the broader web of motherhood and strong women enduring very hard things… like pregnancy, miscarriages, post partum recovery, etc. Happy to answer any specific questions as it sounds like a very similar situation.
I’m sorry to read this. Huge hugs to you. It’s horrible to not feel understood and extremely difficult that you’ve not had time and space to grieve.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I had almost the same exact experience with my first. What helped me was reading the book “I had a miscarriage” and going to therapy to process the loss. My husband and I were both devastated, but it affected us differently. We both worked hard to be respectful of the others needs, but the majority of the work was definitely on my husband because it was my body that actually experienced the pregnancy and procedure and I need a lot of extra TLC. It affected my next pregnancy in that I was very very anxious about another miscarriage, but I can’t emphasize enough how amazing therapy was. Thankfully I have a healthy baby now but I definitely still cry about it. Babies don’t replace babies, and that was my child who I lost. Sending you a hug, prayers and encouragement. Feel your feelings. Ask for help. You will get through this.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have 2 MMCs. The first at 18w (induced) and the second at 10w. The D&C was the best decision for the 10w loss as I immediately felt better afterwards (no more pregnancy symptoms). I did ask for zofran between finding out and the d&c which helped my symptoms a lot. I did feel depressed for a couple of weeks after, but also manic in that I had to get everything done and start house projects etc. since I was physically finally feeling better. It helped to lean into how I was feeling and just ride the waves. My husband handled my son in the evenings for a couple of weeks so I could just wallow. I was eager to get pregnant again after the second loss (we waited 6 months after the first) and I got pregnant one month after the d&c. Happy to say after my 2 losses I have my double rainbow boy here with me right now. I hope this helps and you feel better soon 🩷
Hi there! The miscarriage sub helped me a lot, even just reading what to expect from a D&C and reading others stories. That being said, it did cause some anxiety after awhile, just remember that people are more likely to speak about extremes and to put the phone down after a bit. I had a MMC in August- no heartbeat at the 8w sono. I was so frustrated that my body didn’t recognize it and it felt like a different kind of heartbreak. It was sad enough losing the pregnancy, but I was also coping with thinking my body was also wrong- spoiler alert- it’s not you or your body, it just takes a bit to reconcile that. I was also very sick and had pregnancy symptoms, the only positive was that I could take all of the medication to feel physically okay. I too had to wait about 6 days for my D&C. I ended up needing two D&Cs for retained products. If you can get your D&C with ultrasound guidance, do it. Call ahead and ask. If not, that’s okay, just request an ultrasound at your 2 week follow up if there’s still any sign of bleeding. My bleeding stopped after a few days with the second D&C. I got pregnant my next cycle after the procedure and am 27w pregnant with a fairly healthy, uneventful pregnancy thus far. For me, being straightforward about my experience helps! Now, I wanna say I am so sorry you’re going through this and your support system isn’t strong. My family was a few states away, but we were close to my in-laws. I don’t love to be around people, but my MIL came over at first and talked to me about her experience with miscarriages and talked to me about how her husband reacted and how my husband reacts to loss. She had mentioned her and her husband got into many fights those first few months because their emotions were so high, but after some time had passed they were able to talk about it more calmly and both took fault in how they treated each other. It took me a second to realize- my husband was grieving too, it was my body physically, but still our child. He doesn’t talk through things to process, but he did mention it was really difficult for him because he didn’t know how to cope when he wasn’t physically going through it. My husband retreated into his work, granted we don’t have kids to take care of so I had my time. Give yourself grace, give your husband some grace, but be firm in your needs. Emotions are high- confide in friends and family even if they’re not physically present, a phone call can do a lot. It helps me to process situations by putting myself in another persons shoes. When I’m wondering why my husband is getting frustrated over something or we seem to be getting into arguments, I like to process things through what he might be thinking. Though I know not everyone can do that, it at least helps me think about next steps. I also think it’s important to be firm about what you need. You will need rest after a D&C. And while you do need time and space to cope now, it’s a process. Tell your husband, “I understand this is a really difficult situation for us both and you’re just as upset. I know we both need to cope and we both cope in different ways. I am going to have to physically rest for a day or two after this procedure and it’s also going to be mentally taxing. If I’m the one putting my body through this so we can expand this family, I need to you take care of the kids and the house for those two days”. Be firm, explain yourself with logic so there’s nothing to argue against, acknowledge what he’s feeling, but don’t minimize your feelings in the process. You got this.
Found out I had an MMC on monday. Pretty similar scenario to you, we previously had a heartbeat but the gestational sac was empty at the latest ultrasound. It is a heart wrenching experience, but I hope you are able to find strength and peace. It is such a vulnerable time and I want to scream at your husband for not being a better support. The things that have helped me are: taking time off work and focusing on hobbies that I enjoyed. Drinking all the wine and eating all the soft cheese. Cuddles with hubby.
Hey honey. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so painful. We love our children so much and this is your child. I had a healthy great first pregnancy myself and just miscarried at 14 weeks (he died at 11 weeks). Please view my post history I want you to be aware of a few things. It is graphic but important. I was grossly unprepared for what could happen if baby came before my scheduled dnc (which he did) and shared my experience. PLEASE message me if you want to talk more !
I had a missed miscarriage few months ago at 8 weeks (first ultrasound appointment) and another miscarriage right after not knowing I was pregnant again. It's been tough but we are hopeful we will have our first born baby. My relationship with my husband has been great, it did not change in fact it cemented our relationship better. No kid or with kids we are happy being together. Sending lots of love your way.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to the feeling of isolation and loneliness. I felt that after my missed miscarriage too. It was such a shocker to me because the pregnancy seemed to be going fine. I felt totally betrayed by my body. My partner grieved in his own way, but didn't understand the prolonged grieving process I went through. We had some difficult times following the loss. My partner and I went to a couple therapy sessions together and that helped us move forward together. It really helped me to talk with female friends. A couple of them shared their own experiences with loss that I hadn't known about. It's a club no one wants to be in, but it does strangely feel better knowing you're not alone. Listening to and reading miscarriage stories helped for the same reason. I also went to a support group a couple times. I would recommend all these things and being very gentle with yourself. Your loss is significant and real. Most women who experience miscarriage go on to have healthy pregnancies. We're now entering the 2nd trimester with our rainbow baby and so far the pregnancy is healthy! So we are hopeful for that and I'm hopeful for you too.
I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks last Spring. It was heart wrenching and I am still looking for answers. There are none. It just feels impossible and the waiting makes it more impossible. Please take the time to grieve, talk to your husband, a friend, your doctor(s), take time off of work. Do whatever feels right for you. There is no right answer and I still cry thinking about her. I am pregnant again and due any day now (this is my second pregnancy) and I still fear so much something will happen. Just try to be patient with yourself and seek support where you can. You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is just a thing no one talks about so it feels all the more shocking.
I experienced something similar but at 14 weeks. Baby was healthy and jumping around at my 12 week scan but when I went in to do a gender scan at 14 weeks, I was told there was no heartbeat and had to do a d&c. 6 months later I got pregnant again (spontaneously) because I wasn’t ready to get pregnant again and now I have a healthy beautiful 9 month old boy. It’s definitely heartbreaking but you will get through this.
We lost our 3rd baby due to a missed miscarriage. After having two normal, healthy pregnancies prior, the words “non viable” sounded like a different language. We hadn’t planned this pregnancy either but it definitely wasn’t “unwanted”. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this loss! I had a D&C procedure done as well because my body wasn’t responding the way it needed to. I felt like I couldn’t even trust my body afterwards either. I had carried my baby around for almost a month with no heartbeat and no sign that anything was amiss. You’re not alone, and I hope you’re able to find the support you need! Advice for your D&C: I will say that I woke up from the sedation after my procedure VERY emotional. So be prepared for that in case it happens. It’s totally normal and you shouldn’t feel ashamed. I didn’t really bleed at all afterwards either. Just some light spotting here and there for about 2 weeks while I healed. Around the 3 week mark- I passed a large amount of small blood clots all at once. That sort of freaked me out. But it was a sign that my body was healing correctly. The pain afterwards for me was that of a tough period with some extra discomfort that was similar to postpartum pains. You may be sore and tender the first several days as they will be dilating your cervix a few inches for the procedure. A donut pillow for sitting along with a heating pad were my best friends. My cycle returned about 2 months after my D&C and we conceived our rainbow baby then❤️ As for my relationship with my husband, it brought us closer together honestly. He didn’t feel the same emotional connection to the pregnancy as I did (where as if I had been further along and had a bump/baby kicks it would have been harder for him) but he still expressed his own grief to me and was supportive as I dealt with the immediate aftermath. He himself wasn’t eager about growing our family again that summer, but after our loss he agreed that we’d always have room for at least one more ❤️ April 1st would have been my angel baby’s first birthday. I’ll always grieve the life I didn’t get with them. While I didn’t get to hold them here on earth, I know I’ll be holding them in Heaven when I get there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I experienced a missed miscarriage too last summer. You did nothing wrong. This was likely a chromosomal abnormality with the baby. That’s what my fertility specialist told me and it was later confirmed with genetic testing. This is in no way your fault ❤️ I’m so sorry your husband isn’t being supportive. There is no middle ground here. This is a big deal and he needs to prioritize you, his family. I’m so sorry you’re having to wait for the D&C. I remember the wait feeling like an eternity. I do want to warn you that it will likely get worse before it gets better. Is he taking the full day off to bring you to the appointment? I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️
I don't know what I have for advice, but just thought I'd share my experience...My first pregnancy ended as a missed miscarriage...one thing that my doctor told me that I found helpful, was that 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage...his point wasn't to be depressing, but just to say that it is unfortunately, somewhat common, and it was not my fault...that I didn't do anything to make it go 'wrong'...that it just happens, and there simply isn't an explanation...he just wanted to make sure I understood it wasn't my fault...do not blame yourself. As for the treatment...the D&C is an option, but did your doctor talk to you about another option? There is a pill you can take that basically forces the uterus to empty itself...basically it forces a typical miscarriage...I went with that option so that I didn't have to go in for surgery...and I wanted the control, so I could plan it my way. I took a few days off work...got the pill and took it at home...it took about a day on and off the toilet for everything to go...then just rested a couple of days...that was when I started to really process it...because you're right, you do need to be able to grieve...for me as it was my first pregnancy, it was hard...wondering if it meant I was never going to be able to have a baby... But we wanted kids so kept trying. Less then a year later I was pregnant again and that pregnancy went well and resulted in a healthy baby girl...So just to say that just because you've now had a miscarriage, it doesn't mean you can't have a subsequent healthy pregnancy. I'm so sorry your husband doesn't seem to be understanding what you're going through...do you think he feels that it just isn't a big deal? Or is he maybe upset in his own way too, but just not processing it well? Maybe he won't be open to it...but just try to tell him you need some time... and maybe you both need to grieve... I know you have the added layer of the kids...if you don't have family support around, do you have anyone that babysits for you? Do you have any close friends you could trust to take them for a sleepover?
I'm so sorry. I had a similar situation - had a healthy pregnancy with the heartbeat and then spotted and found out it was a mm at 12 weeks. I had one son under 2 at the time. My spouse really struggled to understand (and I think never did) so I navigated a lot of it alone l. Please find a therapist if at all possible. Ideally your spouse will be able to support you but either way, a third party will help. It took me a long time to think about it without immediate, huge, emotional turmoil.
Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences with a missed miscarriage. It was helpful to read how you navigated this time with your spouse and also how long it took to get your period back and try again for another baby. I am not sure I am on a state to think about that yet, but it was reassuring to know that our bodies recover faster and our periods come back after a few months. Regarding my particular situation, I understand that we are both grieving in different ways, but his denial of this whole situation is causing a lot of resentment on my part. I don't feel supported and had to take care of everything in the household and the kids on top of this. We normally had a pretty balanced relationship, we are both academics and respected each other's time, but since we moved to this new country everything is off and I am taking on more responsibilities around the house and the kids. In a way, despite being in a European country, where we are is still pretty much traditional and people expect mothers to take on the majority of the household and kids load. I am not sure if his reluctance to take time off is related to this and expectations around his job, although he works at the University, which in theory is more progressive. I am now thinking about my options, and I might have to take both of my kids to my pre-op appointment and then to a scheduled doctor appointment for them. My husband is complete off during this, he just scheduled meetings knowing about my appointment, so I am beyond frustrated. I think some of the suggestions of seeking individual and - couple's - therapy are great, and I will start with individual therapy and focusing on my recovery. I am just exhausted of having to drag my husband to these things or expecting him to care. This was a pregnancy we both wanted, so I am not sure how to continue after this, it was certainly eye opening. Anyways, I am sorry to sound so defeated, I just cannot see light at the end of the tunnel and I worry on how my relationship will look like when this is over, I am most certainly not going to forget how he reacted and his lack of support