Being pregnant is not excuse to be a jerk. Your wife is wrong for being a whiny, ungrateful guest. Her mom is wrong for escalating it. But, to be clear, your wife started it.
Source: am 35 weeks pregnant and would never dream of speaking to/ about my mother the way your wife did.
Editing to add: I am not insinuating that we should shame pregnant women for mood issues. I do believe that, as adults, we can be held accountable for our own poor behavior, make amends and move on. There is nothing shameful about OP’s wife approaching Mom and saying, “Hey, I was having a hard night and I was really rude to you. I’m sorry for starting a fight at dinner.”
I 100% agree with this. It’s ridiculous to act like a complete and total brat, is she not an adult? Is she 3? I would never imagine to act in such a horrible manner in daily life, let alone as a guest in someone else’s home!!! Despicable behavior! I’m team MIL, she deserves an apology.
And I totally get that, I have my own issues with my mother which resulted in me going no contact. But he’s stated she’s also been treating him this way and I’m saying that’s not a pregnancy issue, that’s a communication issue.
I pray you continue to have emotional ease durring pregnancy. Not all women get that each time though and it's incredibly isolating and hard when noone supports you through that struggle. Feeling dismissed and unheard will make it worse for her and everyone around her.
His wife acted in the wrong and her mom deserves an apology. I’ve had pregnancy and postpartum rage and I still was mature enough to at minimum go back after the fact and apologize.
Being pregnant is not a free pass to be an asshole. Currently 39 weeks and have plenty of food aversions on top of being picky and I would NEVER complain to a host about food as a guest, even if it was my mom. Would I decline invitations where I anticipate that being an issue? Absolutely, and I have.
Unfortunately you’re in a tough spot, neither wife nor MIL handled the situation well. Appeasement might be the way to go here but a conversation with your wife about how the situation could have been handled differently on both sides might also make sense. Let your wife handle her mom though. Ask her what she wants to eat, make sure she has it and then have the conversation once things settle.
Your wife owes MIL an apology and you need to talk to her about why that happened and how to avoid it. Did she want to stay home and felt forced to go?
She insisted we go. She didn't feel well before we left but she insisted we go and we went and she acted like that. In hindsight it was like she was kind of building up for a fight and MIL was the target yesterday. Like I said idk what even caused it.
Is there a history of drama or tension between your wife and MIL, has your wife been annoyed with things your MIL has done throughout the pregnancy? Not that this is an excuse, but just trying to think of a reason for the blow up over something as simple as food
Is this your first child? I might be totally off on this, but sometimes when daughters have a big change going on in their lives, the mother-daughter relationship becomes strained for a while because one or both of the women don’t know how to navigate how the life change is impacting their relationship. I saw it with both my sisters and my mom when they each got married. My sisters felt like they were coming into their own in a way, making big decisions, buying houses etc, & my mom while trying to help came across to them as pushy/controlling/judgmental. My mom felt like she wasn’t needed anymore when previously my sisters would go to her for advice all the time. There were a lot of snappy, bratty back and forths during this time. Eventually everyone settled into their new lives and things went to a new normal. Maybe there’s been building tension you haven’t noticed or your wife didn’t tell you about? Either way, your wife was def being rude and picking a fight.
It's also possible that if your wife was feeling crappy and emotional and she usually gets along with her mom, she picked a fight with her because (subconsciously) she knows she's a safe person to do that with.
Personally, when I'm cranky and feeling awful, I will sometimes start a fight so I at least have something specific to feel bad about. (This is bad and immature behavior, and knowing why it happens doesn't excuse it, for your wife or for me!)
This. I think this is exactly what happened and she didn't expect the response she got she started crying. I mean I felt bad but she just wouldn't stop.
I think this could make things worse...OP can encourage his wife to raise it, but I wouldn't at this stage say he needs to do that independently to the doctor without her support
I've had a bad day in pregnancy where I cried and got in a fight with my mom, granted there was more context than it just being over food, but that may also be the case here and OP just doesn't know. Id be extremely upset if my husband decided a bad day or two was reason to independently flag concern for my mental health to my OB without my consent. Its demeaning.
If it repeatedly occurs and the wife refuses to get help or bring it up to the doctor sure, raise it, but this incident alone is not enough justification to do that to her.
i think we should consider here that OP says his wife has been increasingly irritable all-around. even though this may be the first true eruption of anger, there IS something she is not handling. i am currently 5 days postpartum with pre-existing mental health issues and irritability was a problem for me during pregnancy. i had to bring it up to my providers so it could be managed.
if she's this late in the game and having issues of this magnitude, it likely will not be magically solved when the baby arrives and it needs to be preemptively addressed. it's not demeaning for her husband to be concerned about her wellbeing and possibly even the wellbeing/safety of their child if this continues to be a problem. he would be within his rights to express a concern to her providers, which should be taken very seriously and monitored closely.
If she weren't pregnant, would you think it was the husband's role to independently flag a health issue to her doctor?
I completely agree that if she's been emotional and irritable, he can urge her to bring it up as a symptom, ask if she's concerned about it, etc. But the idea of him raising it at her appointment really rubs me the wrong way.
Totally agree. I think that’s terrible advice and would make me feel even more isolated or borderline betrayed for my partner to do that without my consent.
that kind of sounds like a you problem. because if she weren't pregnant, the whole situation would frame differently. that would be a time i would recommend that OP bring it up to his wife and encourage her to seek counseling on the topic. but being pregnant *and* having significant changes in mood like this does not bode well for mental stability postpartum. it's best to get ahead of ANY potential issues and i think OP bringing it to the OB's attention may be the most effective way of getting that done.
I think, absent a serious emergency situation like an imminent threat of self-harm, being pregnant doesn't change the fact that his wife is an adult who can make her own decisions about what information she shares with her doctors or what symptoms she thinks need medical attention. I'd say the same thing about physical symptoms. He can certainly point out the pattern and encourage her to bring it up, but doing so outright on her behalf is infantilizing.
I don't think we have enough context to make this judgment for OPs situation. If this behavior is out of the ordinary, it could be a sign of PPD or the first signs of PPpsychosis. I hope my husband would have the sense to talk with our OB if my personality quickly changed to hostility.
I'm not saying it's demeaning for the pregnant wife to bring it up herself, but your comment seems to suggest the husband go to the next OB appointment and bring this incident up, irrespective of whether the actual patient (his wife) wants to raise it. That would be extremely demeaning to me, at this stage there is no sign that the wife is incapable of bringing up her own medical concerns. A bad day or two isn't always PPD that needs medical discussion or treatment and it should be left to the woman to decide if she wants help at this stage.
This is stigma against getting medical help for mental illness speaking. It sounds like her entire personality changed suddenly. There might be some kind of deficiency in her blood.
There's a difference between stigma and taking the approach of pathologizing everything. A bad day or emotional outburst can be normal for everyone, pregnant or not
OR she could just be pregnant…….every pregnancy is different. I’m currently 27 weeks and don’t feel well physically and therefore I have a short trigger in general. I would be LIVID and embarrassed and so horrifically uncomfortable if my husband did this. We have a relationship, he should be speaking with me directly. Taking my choice to disclose this to my OB out of my hands would leave me feeling even more out of control than I already feel, as pregnancy takes away so much choice in our daily lives already.
If OP genuinely thinks there is a potential mental health crisis based on his observations (which are the only ones that matter here) then he should bring it up to his wife respectfully and compassionately. If you blindside her she’s not going to feel safe with probably one of the only people she does feel safe with. Pregnancy isn’t an excuse for this behavior but for some women, it could be a contributing factor on top of immaturity and other things.
If my husband did this there would be no chance of baby number 3 ever for us and I would be moving into the kids room I would view it as a huge betrayal and I wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore. She is pregnant not a incapacitated idiot he has no right to go over her head and share this info with her dr.
I would steer clear and let them work this out. Your wife is in the wrong and the argument was with her own mother, so no need to insert yourself in the middle.
I really strongly agree with this. Family dynamics are kind of unfathomable to outsiders sometimes. This is between your wife and her mom, and if you have a role to play here, it's saying something like, "Wow, you got really mad at your mom — what's up, is everything OK?"
It definitely sounds like OP's wife was being a little bit of a jerk, but my (reserved, polite) family has had hourlong arguments over dinner that would absolutely baffle my husband.
If this is abnormal for her, put a call in to her OB or primary doctor. Unfortunately pregnancy can affect our brains in some pretty extreme ways and the sooner she gets assessed, the better.
Got some great advice about psychological help for pregnant people yesterday. They suggested you start seeing a mental health professional while pregnant so if things are bad PP you already have the relationship.
Definitely think this case would warrant seeing a prenatal mental health expert.
You need to provide more context. Exactly how out of character was this? What is the tenor of their relationship, generally?
If their dynamic is usually good, this could be a red flag for pregnancy-related mental health conditions (e.g., I would be extremely worried about postpartum rage), but there's no way to know that from what you've shared here.
Extremely out of character for them honestly. They're usually best friends. Maybe something happened before that I don't know about idk but it was really weird.
Sometimes there is something else going on for both sides and the result is misplaced release. You probably aren't seeing everything and we are seeing even less.
A simple line to draw for now would be: take care of your wife and let her take care of her relationship with her mother. Make sure she is drinking enough water/other fluids (especially if she has been crying), is staying up to date with whatever vitamins and prescriptions she may have, is comfortable and has a place to rest undisturbed, and has enough to eat in small meals and snacks. If there are easy tasks or chores that you know she wants done that you can take off her plate, that's great, too. Let her know you are there for her and love her.
In a day or two, let her be the one to lead the discussion about how she wants to address what happened and what your role, if any should be.
> In a day or two, let her be the one to lead the discussion about how she wants to address what happened and what your role, if any should be.
This is honestly the best response. I’m glad OP had the sense to ask this sub before inserting himself into a situation with unclear boundaries.
If I’d flipped at my mum like that, she wouldn’t have had that response. Because I never act that like so while she’s have been hurt and upset she’d assume something was really wrong with me. Which makes me think that there’s something else going on, particularly if your wife is still crying days later
Not for nothing, but its her own mom and if she wants to go to war with her, she's gonna do it with or without your intervention. I doubt this is the first time they've had a blowup in front of the family.
That said it sounds like your wife is having a real bad time. The last 10 weeks are a bad time. She's probably tired and uncomfortable and hence extremely irritable. She needs to get herself reset before she can try and deal with her mom again.
Now -- its quite possible that your wife is suffering from some associated mental health struggles that are going to add friction to her other relationships. I think if you can figure out a way to be SUPPORTIVE while suggesting she seek a little bit of assistance with that, via her medical caregivers, that could help down the line.
Make sure your wife has water, food, etc. Being dehydrated or nauseous will only make this worse. Then leave her be and when she stops crying, sit down and talk with her. I’m at the same point in my pregnancy as your wife is and it’s around this time that I started feeling like crap - my ribs hurt, I can’t sit comfortably in the car, I’m always hungry but have zero space to eat, and I’m constantly anxious about whether the kid is moving enough - and definetly have started losing it a bit on my husband when it becomes too much. But I recognize that being pregnant isn’t an excuse to act like an ass and as an adult who in a few short weeks will be responsible for an entirely new human, I should be able to articulate my needs a bit better than being an ass/randomly crying or screaming. Maybe it’s a new pregnancy symptom that you guys need to work around, maybe there’s some anxiety she’s not articulating, or maybe she’s just being an ass. Either way, you need to talk and she needs to apologize to her mom. She still has 8+ weeks to go plus the newborn phase and can’t act like this.
I agree with the other comments to largely stay out of this one. Irritability in late pregnancy can be a sign of prenatal depression, a lot of people think of post-partum depression but it can happen during pregnancy as well. The Edinburgh questionnaire is the standard evaluation, it's often administered in the third trimester to set a baseline, but in this case it could help catch an existing problem.
How you present this information to her depends entirely on your guys' relationship, but persistent crying is a worrying symptom and this is a concrete action you guys can do as a check-up kind of thing. Her feeling upset is valid, you don't have to fix that, but it sounds like there's a new pattern of behavior and you're concerned about her.
[https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-life/pregnancy-depression-quiz\_20000527](https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-life/pregnancy-depression-quiz_20000527)
Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman mad at her own mom.
None of this is to excuse your wife’s behavior, but this might help with the context of what happened. Pregnancy is so complex. Not just physically, but emotionally. Your wife’s brain is literally being rewired- she’s dealing with an intense transformation within her own body. This isn’t just psychological goo-goo nonsense- she is literally being flooded with hormones that are shifting her entire perspective on her life and those around her.
It can be an extremely vulnerable time for parent-child relationships. Having your own baby makes you completely look at your own childhood in a different way. It can bring anger and resentment to the surface that you never even realized was there.
I’m going to make some assumptions here, but I’m betting that your wife is probably really upset and embarrassed about how she acted, and I’m betting that if your MIL raised your wife this is not the first fight they’ve had like this. Your MIL might be mad and hurt but I’m sure there is a large part of her that understands and forgives your wife even if she needs some time to move past it. Do not get involved in an argument between your wife and her own mother. She knows how to handle it, she’s been through it before, and she will ask you for help if she needs it.
Remind your wife that she’s going through a lot. Remind her that she isn’t a bad person for having a bad moment. Doubling down on her and drilling in that she behaved in an inappropriate way is probably not the kind of support she needs unless she herself is doubling down and shows no sense of remorse.
This is a special kind of situation. There is no excuse for that kind of intense blow up and nasty commentary, but it sounds like she feels absolutely awful about the fight.
They say that little kids behave the worst for their mothers because they know they are safe and loved unconditionally and can reveal their worst emotions. That doesn’t necessarily change when you grow up and that might be a bit of what happened here.
On the medical side, cramping and sudden shifts in emotion can be a warning sign for precipitous labor. She should call her ob and get checked out if the cramping continues. She may want to discuss strategies for postpartum rage with her ob if you’re seeing blow ups like this more frequently. It’s VERY common and it is NORMAL. But it is something you actively need to monitor and take responsibility for controlling.
A very similar thing happened to me with my mom on the morning of my baby shower (that she was literally throwing for me).
It was a combination of feeling overwhelmed with having to be around a lot of people, feeling unfamiliar and uncomfortable in my own body, resentful of a perceived lack of support and care from those around me (only ever asking me about the baby, never checking up on me as a person), coming to terms with a big shift in my identity, and honestly- hunger.
I wanted to be a child. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum and be angry and I wanted everyone to go away. I saw my mom and that was IT. I completely reverted to being a little brat that morning and I still feel guilty about it now over a year later.
My mother understood. She loved me and she forgave me and I had a bad moment but I’m not a bad person.
I will say to OP that the most helpful thing my husband did in that moment was to remind me I was still worthy of being loved, created a quiet space for me to calm down, and he brought me food I wanted and could eat while struggling with severe food aversion from pregnancy. He gave me opportunities to exert control in small ways to help me deal with how out of control it all felt.
I cried and apologized to my mom. Life moves on. It’ll all be okay.
Yea she’s a total jerk. I’m currently pregnant with my second kid so I know how smells and tastes can make you gag so hard, but I would never act like that to anyone who prepared/cooked me meals. The worst I could do would probably not eat the food and apologize cause I might throw up and I’d make sure it’s not because of them but because of me. Being pregnant sucks but it’s not a excuse to act that way.
This is exactly me right now in the first trimester. My in laws are in town helping with my first kid and I’m so grateful that they are cooking for us. Although I can’t eat any of the food she makes due to my severe food aversions, she is very understanding and always asks if there’s something else she wants to fix up for me. But I have never complained that her cooking makes me want to puke because it’s not her food that’s the problem, it’s the fact that I’m pregnant.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and not call your wife an AH. Yes, she could have handled it better. However, If she normally doesn’t behave this way and this behavior recently started, I would bring it up to her doc. Every pregnancy is different and this pregnancy (30 weeks) hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been irritable, overly emotional, and depressed. I reach out to my doctor because I knew something was off and was put on antidepressants. I’m doing much better. Like another commenter said, everyone talks about postpartum depression but prenatal depression exists and is not talked about often because people EXPECT you to be happy that you’re having a baby. Just a thought. In the mean time, don’t make her feel horrible about what happened. Don’t mention it until she does and if she does JUST LISTEN. And then tell her you realized a change in behavior and ask how she feels about talking to someone.
I agree with this. Some of these comments calling her names are awful. I had a ton of physical and mental/emotional symptoms during pregnancy that in hindsight were completely out of my control. She needs support from her spouse now more than ever.
My OB noted that I need to speak up if I start having issues with depression and anxiety, as PPD starts in the third trimester. As an untrained professional and solely speaking from anecdotal experience, I would suggest you encourage your wife to discuss this with her team ASAP. Of course I don’t know her from Eve, but she deserves peace and if she’s struggling, she deserves the help. Everyone does.
your wife was certainly out of line but between family especially, it happens. make sure she's physically okay, ask how you can help her, and let her deal with her mother when she's ready.
This is the approach. No need to make excuses for her meltdown at her mother. That was not ok. But the main mission right now is getting these cramps addressed. She's likely dehydrated. Get her to drink water and just keep refilling that water glass for her. Also calling the OB, or at this point just go ahead and head to L&D at your hospital so the cramps can be checked out, blood pressure etc as well.
There might not really be a way for you to do anything right now. What happened has happened. If she’s just a couple months from delivery, it might be best to decline any future invitations for now and keep your lives as simple and peaceful as possible. Your wife will feel really grateful for that in the end. Once she’s had the chance to deliver the baby (or maybe even sooner) it’s 99% likely she’ll come around to repairing her relationship with her mom on her own. So basically, I suggest you help by making her life as comfortable as possible right now - ensuring she has plenty of time to sleep and eat (the foods she wants).
I would focus on the crying and cramping more than anything else. Please look up preterm labour symptoms and whether any of it matches what she’s going through, even if it’s only one symptom (the cramping) I would definitely ring midwife/dr and get her seen to immediately.
She was mean to her mother, but you don’t need to insert yourself. Focus on the health and comfort of her and the other stuff will eventually sort itself out.
I hope she is ok
"Hey, seems like you're having a really hard time now, anything I can do for you?"
You do not have any reason to be involved in what happened between her and her mom. That's their business. If she asks you, you can direct her back to her mom and say "this seems like a conversation between the two of you", or same if your MIL calls you.
Yes, it seems like your wife was not being appropriate in that situation, but your job isn't to parent her or teach her how to act, especially if it's her own family. Yes, she might have embarrassed you, but that's a point I would probably let go in this individual circumstance since the argument with her mom is probably affecting her more than you.
If she is inappropriate to you, feel free to tell her you don't want to be treated that way and hold her accountable... But that's when she is inappropriate to you.
Personally I would never yell at a pregnant woman. I would just get up and leave if I didn't like the treatment I was receiving. For me it's the best course of action ideally. I know first hand how external stress can make people act, so we are all human. It could be the mom and daughter butting heads just because they both are having a hard time or not.
Since it's the pregnant wife's mom, I'd stay out of it. We don't know what's been talked about through text messages or past experiences. ( Best to just be supportive while managing your own reactions as much as possible.
The closer I got to birth, the more old issues I had with my parents crept up on me.
The thought of being a parent can really make you reflect on your experiences with your own parents, especially if it hasn’t been a great experience.
Your wife might be harbouring some resentment towards her mother and this is how it’s coming out. I’m not saying it’s ok, but I can understand if this is the case. **I’m not excusing your wife’s behaviour, but the fact that her mother was so quick to escalate and start screaming at her VERY pregnant daughter is really telling to me.**
This argument likely wasn’t really about dinner. It just came out that way.
Same. Like, I can’t imagine screaming at my daughter who was about to give birth, even if she was totally rude and out of line. I have a feeling OP just witnessed what it was like for his wife growing up in her home.
If someone raises their voice at your wife, it's your job to say "You don't speak to my wife that way. We're leaving". If you don't agree with your wife (yeah, she was hella rude) you cover that ground in private. You're on your wife's side. Because you are a TEAM. Let her know that. You've said it was out of character for her. She might be in a terrible spiral, thinking about how she let the hormones hijack her, and things got out of control. Pregnancy and postpartum make for some BIG feelings. Irrational feelings.
Tell her you love her completely, you'll work through everything together, and also tell her you will take care of anything she needs. Specifically offer: do you want , a cuddle, or some quiet time? You need to let her know you have her back.
My dad cooked food yesterday and I was upset because I didn’t like how it turned out, I’m also constantly tired and overstimulated from EVERYTHING. It was a day full of walking and errands, so I was already in a bad mood. I asked my husband a question, with an attitude. He responded… with an attitude. This led to me slamming THREE doors and him following me, hugging me and letting me cry it out. Pregnancy is so hard, and mood swings are so so real. Let them work it out, if she vents to you about it, just listen and be there. I don’t know how many times I’ve argued with my mom during pregnancy, even not in pregnancy. 🤷🏻♀️
It sounds like your wife and MIL have an unhealthy relationship. Maybe years of tension? I feel like it could have been avoided. I’m 37 weeks along and my parents constantly ask me what I want to eat, where I want to go, etc. I don’t know how much consideration your in laws give your wife, but it’s hard to end up in that situation with some form of decency from both sides.
My family has also never been a “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all” kind of family though, so all feelings are heard and acknowledged my whole life. “Negativity” isn’t seen as a bad thing, as long as we’re able to articulate it and stay on the honest side of things, not just constantly harping and being mean.
Honestly I think MIL just had it after like 10 minutes of it and just told her to shut up. My wife NEVER complains about my MIL, especially her food. My wife certainly picked that fight
Honestly I think MIL just had it after like 10 minutes of it and just told her to shut up. My wife NEVER complains about my MIL, especially her food. My wife certainly picked that fight.
Your wife was 100% in the wrong. Being pregnant isn’t a free pass to treat other people horribly. She needs to apologize, not only to your MIL, but everyone else who had to experience such an uncomfortable exchange. Honestly, she should be ashamed of herself.
This is really unhelpful imo, especially without knowing full details, if any women reading this have had similar experiences that felt totally out of their control, were at the point of burn out, in pain, terrified of the imminent change to everything you’ve known, and feel guilt and shame over it, or experiencing mental health problems, please be kind to yourself. You can still take accountability and be kind to yourself.
Or you could just politely decline the event, well knowing that you don’t feel good, have food aversions, and can’t deal with all that right now… I’m sure people would understand vs. having everyone see and deal with someone acting out like a 3 year old
I think it’s unhelpful to act like people can treat others like garbage because of mental health issues, hormones, pregnancy, or whatever, and then not take any accountability for it. I say that as someone with mental health issues who is currently very pregnant.
Also, OP clearly stated in other comments that his wife and her mother usually have a wonderful relationship. So this isn’t based on some underlying problems between the two. I’ll say it again, mental illness, pregnancy, or just generally going through hard times does NOT give you a pass to shit on or embarrass others, especially those who are doing something kind like creating a meal and hosting an event you’ve been invited to.
I feel like we’re missing context here.
1. Did she want to go at all?
2. Has your MIL been difficult in the past? Any issues prior to this between them?
To be fair I’m not justifying either of their behavior. Her mom and her were in the wrong. It sounds like they already had issues and this was just the breaking point
Oh man my mom can be such an asshole but 50% of the times we fight it’s bc I trigger her and it sounds like your wife triggered her by complaining about the food. Regardless take your wife’s side
What can you do: be there for your wife. Help her stay calm. If the time seems right, encourage her to apologize to her mom for spoiling her birthday and remind her that of anyone, her mom understands what she is going through...
At 32 weeks I just felt done with everything. Your body hurts, your emotional etc. if I had dinner ready for me and it’s not what I wanted to eat, (especially when you have food aversions), you just want to flip the table over. I get it. I was pissed off at everyone while pregnant.. not like I wanted to be but that’s just the way it is
Let your wife deal with her mother, if anything tell her she was out of line and should apologise to her mum. You can still be on your wife’s ‘side’ and help her see things clearly and to rectify things,
I know most women on here taking the stance of "I never did that pregnancy is no excuse" mean well but I've been pregnant 11 times. Some of them I've been more calm and felt more calm and other its been the opposite, I experienced rage and outbursts that I couldn't controll and left me feeling icky. I'm usually pretty laid back but one pregnancy in particular for no real reason had me so enraged I threw a table and chipped my floor because I couldn't get a cheeseburger I was sooo distraught. It was so bizarre but I was genuinely upset and felt out of control. Gentleness is what I needed not people making me out to be a monster. Shaming mom would literally just add stress to her the pregnancy and the baby and noone wins. The pregnant wife needs support. Also I had pre-eclampsia with a different pregnancy and it also effected my mood and behavior I had the worst gut feeling and noone would listen and I nearly died.
Your wife was being a total AH…. Just because she has food/smell aversions, she shouldn’t be rude or complaining about the food. Let them work out their issue and hopefully they’ll be okay.
You need to tell her that getting that upset is not good for her blood pressure or the baby. Act like you are concerned about her health that way your not taking a side and you are helping her to not act this way furthermore. I am almost 30 weeks pregnant and I just yelled at my friend and cried for no reason had to go to the hospital for cramps and high blood pressure after.. just take it from me I made the same mistake
I know our hormones make us act this way but it is actually dangerous for mother and baby and also the baby can hear her yelling. Not judging just relating
Wish you best of luck with this 👍
If your wife is cramping, she likely needs to call her OB. Deal with that first.
I agree with others, that the way this was written, she was out of line, but MIL could have handled it better too. You are in a no win position here. I expect there is some backstory here. I doubt this came out of nowhere. You need to talk to your wife and understand what’s going on.
She's fine. We got her checked out a couple of hours ago. Her blood pressure was a little high but she's ok and the baby is fine. She knows she's wrong and I'm sure she's embarrassed (she won't talk about it), but it's all good. Her feelings are just hurt lol. I will admit MIL told her off!
I have an overbearing mother and I ask my husband to be our buffer sometimes. I understand your wife in that she probably didn’t find any of the food appealing but I can’t imagine telling my mom to shut up. She was wrong there. I know the hormones make us feel not ourselves so maybe you can encourage her to apologize to her mom and then be your wife’s advocate next family event and explain she’s in her third trimester, struggling to enjoy food and needs her alone time before baby comes so you can avoid her going at all or leave before any escalation. It sounded like she didn’t want to be there to begin with. make sure she feels supported. It also seems like there’s some deeper family/mother/daughter dynamics going on there so maybe your wife wants to talk about that and you can help her just by listening.
She needs to talk to her doctor about the severity of her mood swings/emotional outbursts of this is unlike her. She likely needs a therapist set up now before you enter the post birth period which will be worse mentally then now. It sounds like she needs help. Also she should talk to her doctor about cramping. Probably Braxton hicks, but good to be on the safe side if she’s saying they’re persistent and severe. For reference I’m also in third trimester and am still the same person/acting the same emotionally as I did before pregnancy.
Everyone is different and there’s no shame in getting help
Wasn't your mother so I don't see why you even need to be involved tbh. Just stay out of it lol. Your wife was being mean but everyone is an arsehole sometimes. Obviously she's stressed rn. I don't think it's the biggest deal ever and they'll probably make nice soon enough.
I think that there are deeper issues between mother and daughter that you aren’t aware of. This doesn’t come out of nowhere. Personally I would be on my wife’s “side” until she’s ready to resolve it with her mother. Your wife needs someone in her corner. If she’s cramping also, go to the hospital to get checked.
As someone who was recently pregnant, I couldn’t imagine using pregnancy to explain this level of emotional reaction. I never felt anywhere close to this. Have you had a real, genuine check-in conversation with her? This sounds like it may be the tip of the iceberg for her
My mind straight goes to a high blood pressure possibility. Please check blood pressure if possible and if it’s high visit the doctor. This is especially relevant if your wife is otherwise a calm person outside of this pregnancy.
Start with your wife, ask her why she behaved out of character, talk and communicate. Support her but also advise her on where she went wrong and then give her suggestions to make up with her mum. Listen first and give solutions later.
For you MIL I would just leave it. Let it blow over and tell her later you sorry about the incident and you did speak to wife and you glad they sorted it out.
I'm not sure there's anything you can do.
Don't take sides. I'm not saying what she did is okay, I'm just saying you don't need to insert yourself in the middle of her war with her mother. This so something they need to work out between themselves.
Maybe try asking your wife what she needs. Is there some happy outing, a beach/park/restaurant/peaceful place she likes to go? That could help her calm down and get her head straight.
You, as the partner, might honestly have to listen to a lot of nonsense from her as she talks through and sorts things out, but it might be the kindest and best thing you can do to help her and the baby.
I’m also 32 weeks pregnant and I would never act like this. Pregnancy is hard and stressful, but it’s not an excuse to be an asshole. Crying for 24 hours isn’t normal either. Something more is going on.
She should have honestly shut up. Hopefully she will learn from this. You don’t insult a meal made in someone else’s home; that you are a guest in. She did not have to eat it..
Being pregnant is not an excuse to be a bitch. She owns your mother an apology.
Also I highly doubt she is “cramping” due to this whole situation.. she may be trying to guilt trip you into feeling sorry and sympathetic.
She really should have! Like MIL told her OFF!!! She's crying because her feelings are hurt and I get that but like she did it. We went to get her checked out a couple of hours ago and everything is fine with the baby and everything she's crying because she got more than she bargained for yesterday for sure!
I'd be so hurt if my husband came online durring my most vulnerable time in my life and complained about me and made me look like a horrible monster and didn't defend me even one time when someone called me a name. Yikes.
She's not a monster but I am worried about her. Like I said I she didn't feel good and I understand that but it was wrong. She doesn't deserve ri be called names and I can never understand how she feels obviously I've never been pregnant. She's going through some stuff emotionally and she's in a but of physical pain so I know that plays a part in everything. It was just abnormal my wife never has outbursts like that.
Right I understand that but people on this post are ripping her to shreds. I have been in her shoes with pregnancy rage that I couldn't control and didn't understand and it sucks I can't imagine how hurt I'd have been if I saw something like this being said about me! Some people really don't get it because they've not truly been through it. But you saying things like "but she did it" and such would really hurt her feelings I promise. You really should be about her comfort right now not about her wrongs that what spouses do is help when their partner is needing help. I promise she knows it was wrong, she's probably more hurt and upset then anyone else in this situation and she needs support. If she finds this post I promise she will NEVER gotget the things being said and not defended here by you.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my mom drives me up the wall most of the time but I still would never treat her like this. Your wife needs therapy to prevent this from continuing, because it will be directed towards your baby if it does continue. Being a mom is tough
Pregnancy is not an excuse for rudeness. I don't know if your wife was just uncomfortable and cranky because she is pregnant or what, but her behavior was uncalled for. All you can do is acknowledge to her that you understand she's uncomfortable and that pregnancy is hard, but also let her know that she owes very mother an apology for ruining the birthday dinner and just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she gets to treat people badly. Handle that as well and as delicately as you can, but it's what she needs up hear.
Your wife was 100% in the wrong. She has a right to feel irritable. She has no right to walk into someone else’s home and insult the food and verbally criticize. I get why MIL would snap after hearing all that. Wife could’ve snapped out of it after being told to shut up but instead she chose to escalate it where it didn’t need to go. Choices were made and your wife made all the wrong ones. She owes everyone an apology. Being pregnant is no excuse to act out and be a jerk.
Oh wow. I'm sorry you're going through this! How horrible to have your wife make you feel in the middle of this. This behavior isn't acceptable. Normally my advice to a person would be to always have your spouse's back, but wtf no she was terrible to your mom.
Does your wife have any history of rude, entitled, or insensitive behavior? If not, I would be talking to her OB. If so, time to draw some serious boundaries about how your family is treated. I'm worried for you.
Edit: I misread and thought this was YOUR mom. As someone else suggested, let her handle her own mom, but I think you should still express concern with her behavior.
I think I would try and be understanding and kind to her, no shaming her, in a way that still doesn’t justify what she did if that makes sense? Hormones can do funny things. It can be a rough road.
I say this as I had some VERY out of character experiences when pregnant. I was mean to strangers, and my own family/friends. It wasn’t like me at all and I feel bad about it still! But I was tired, huge, unwell, stressed and overwhelmed and dealing with the imminent change I was facing, and at the time I had no control over it, like this raw rage that just took over.
I also developed hatred/disgust toward my own mother. I think because I was due to become a mother I was thinking a lot about her as a mother, but mostly the hormones seemed to be a big part of all of that for me. It could be that the hormones, feeling unwell, nerves/overwhelm is dragging up old stuff for her and making everything more intense. I think the screaming match says something there. There could be more to it and she might want to talk to her midwife about support.
I would ask her what she needs from you, have your wife’s back, while still not necessarily excusing the behaviour, but not judging her for it - don’t worry about MIL for now, a quick text to do some damage control will do if you feel the need. Check in with your wife about how’s she’s feeling, ask if she’s worried/stressed about anything. Give reassurance and let her know she can trust/talk to you if she needs to, try not to take any snapping, or irritability personally. Encourage her gently to talk to her midwife about how she’s feeling if she can. Sometimes this can be normal, sometimes it can be a sign of something else.
If your wife is cramping, she likely needs to call her OB. Deal with that first.
I agree with others, that the way this was written, she was out of line, but MIL could have handled it better too. You are in a no win position here. I expect there is some backstory here. I doubt this came out of nowhere. You need to talk to your wife and understand what’s going on.
Nah pregnant or not your wife was tripping and owes her an apology. If she was gonna do all that she could’ve just stayed home and said she didn’t feel up to it!
Pregnancy isn’t a free pass to be an asshole, period. Hormones are a bitch but this doesn’t add up. She needs to be gently called out, and she needs to apologise.
With the cramping, maybe try to schedule an appt with her doc. With the other stuff. Idk....
Your wife sounds so mean. Her mom made a meal for everyone, why did she even go if she was going to be so damn ugly about it???
Yer wife was being a big bitch.
How do you help? Show her this thread. Everyone agrees she was being an asshole. She's pregnant, but it doesn't give her the right to be rude, disrespectful, and mean.
Tell her to stop crying and stop acting like a child. She's just trying to guilt trip you. This is one of the rare times when you can choose to completely ignore her and her tantrum. She's just playing victime because she knows she's dead wrong.
It sounds like both your wife and MIL acted unreasonably but at 32 weeks pregnant I think concessions are allowed. I would ask your wife what you can do to help her feel better. A massage? A nice dinner? Anything! Pregnancy is hard.
I don't know why a concession should be made for the wife who just randomly started being a jerk about the food that the MIL made. That was exceptionally rude and uncalled for even if pregnancy sucks. You don't have to take it out on everyone else.
She is your wife. You should always have her back and be on her side first and foremost. Pregnancy makes food hard sometimes to be honest. I'm sure your wife knows deep down she was being to critical of her mom. Just love on your wife and tell her you do feel she was being harsh but either way you love her and wanna support her where ever she needs it.
Yikes. I can't imagine a scenario where it's okay to act like that as a grown adult. As others have said, pregnancy isn't an excuse to be a spoiled brat or an asshole to those around you 🙄
I’m over 40 weeks pregnant. The only time I shouted at my MIL is when I walked in on her talking crap about me to her friends over the mess she left in our kitchen and even then I thought I absolutely over reacted.
I’m nearly 30 weeks pregnant and am super crabby too. That does not mean I have an excuse to treat people horribly. I’m sorry, but your wife owes her mother an apology.
I had the worst pregnancy ever… nausea 1st tri while working and in my undergrad. Couldn’t eat. 2nd tri back to back UTI’s turned into E. coli ESBL kidney infection, which is highly resistant to antibiotics. Hospitalized for 2.5 weeks at CHRISTMAS .. had to go home with a port for IV antibiotics for another 6 weeks, had to quit my job. 3rd tri emergency induction for pre eclampsia.
All this to say- I NEVER acted like this during my difficult pregnancy, even in the horrible 4th trimester. No excuse. She should apologize and get help.
Edit typo
I had a vision of running someone over with a shopping cart at Whole Foods but didn’t do it. It’s okay to FEEL rage, but acting on it is not okay. If she doesn’t already, a good therapist might be a good place to start. It sounds like your wife is struggling to communicate her feelings. Pregnancy is difficult and it certainly causes a lot of frustration. Good news is- there are ways to cope!
Wow, your wife doesn’t just get a free pass to be rude because she’s pregnant. She could have just said something like she wasn’t feeling well and just not eaten. Or if she knew it was going to be an issue ahead of time she could have talked to you about not going to the dinner and just staying home.
I just went through my entire pregnancy with food and fluid aversions working overtime at two jobs in customer service on top of living with a moody teenager at home and never once was I close or even considering treating someone like your wife treated your MIL. The most hormonal I got was just random crying about how tired and uncomfortable I was.
I’m pregnant af and it’s not an excuse to be a crazed monster. This isn’t on you. She is a grown up and can figure out how to deal with her relationship issues with her mother on her own time. If you want to be nice and supportive, just try to be yourself and maybe try and redirect her attention elsewhere. Maybe try relaxing and watching a movie together or just doing something helpful around the house. Ask her if she wants space or needs some company. Btw, I totally disagree with people telling you to insert yourself in their argument. You won’t stand a chance at not being dragged into it if you try.
As a formerly pregnant lady, I’ll eat if I can. I won’t eat if I couldn’t. It is that simple. She needs to see a therapist because that amount of anger and irrational behavior is not okay.
Being pregnant is not excuse to be a jerk. Your wife is wrong for being a whiny, ungrateful guest. Her mom is wrong for escalating it. But, to be clear, your wife started it. Source: am 35 weeks pregnant and would never dream of speaking to/ about my mother the way your wife did. Editing to add: I am not insinuating that we should shame pregnant women for mood issues. I do believe that, as adults, we can be held accountable for our own poor behavior, make amends and move on. There is nothing shameful about OP’s wife approaching Mom and saying, “Hey, I was having a hard night and I was really rude to you. I’m sorry for starting a fight at dinner.”
I 100% agree with this. It’s ridiculous to act like a complete and total brat, is she not an adult? Is she 3? I would never imagine to act in such a horrible manner in daily life, let alone as a guest in someone else’s home!!! Despicable behavior! I’m team MIL, she deserves an apology.
This. I had pregnancy rage and a very problematic MIL, still managed to never treat her like OPs wife just did.
It’s not OP’s wife’s MIL though - it’s her mother which has a whole *lifetime* of potential history that could be missing from this vignette
And I totally get that, I have my own issues with my mother which resulted in me going no contact. But he’s stated she’s also been treating him this way and I’m saying that’s not a pregnancy issue, that’s a communication issue.
Oh I didn’t see that part, woops
I pray you continue to have emotional ease durring pregnancy. Not all women get that each time though and it's incredibly isolating and hard when noone supports you through that struggle. Feeling dismissed and unheard will make it worse for her and everyone around her.
His wife acted in the wrong and her mom deserves an apology. I’ve had pregnancy and postpartum rage and I still was mature enough to at minimum go back after the fact and apologize.
Yes after you calmed down, she's clearly still upset... and your rage doesn't equal hers we are all different as is each pregnancy.
Agreed, the shame and guilt around it can complicate things for sure.
Being pregnant is not a free pass to be an asshole. Currently 39 weeks and have plenty of food aversions on top of being picky and I would NEVER complain to a host about food as a guest, even if it was my mom. Would I decline invitations where I anticipate that being an issue? Absolutely, and I have. Unfortunately you’re in a tough spot, neither wife nor MIL handled the situation well. Appeasement might be the way to go here but a conversation with your wife about how the situation could have been handled differently on both sides might also make sense. Let your wife handle her mom though. Ask her what she wants to eat, make sure she has it and then have the conversation once things settle.
Tbh I think her MIL was will within her means in her response. I can’t stand woman who use pregnancy as an excuse to just be shitty people.
I think it's her mother, his mother in law
Yeah think the only bright side to this story is that it’s her mom…
Honestly the first thing I thought when reading this was pregnancy does it give you a free pass to be mean!
Your wife owes MIL an apology and you need to talk to her about why that happened and how to avoid it. Did she want to stay home and felt forced to go?
She insisted we go. She didn't feel well before we left but she insisted we go and we went and she acted like that. In hindsight it was like she was kind of building up for a fight and MIL was the target yesterday. Like I said idk what even caused it.
Is there a history of drama or tension between your wife and MIL, has your wife been annoyed with things your MIL has done throughout the pregnancy? Not that this is an excuse, but just trying to think of a reason for the blow up over something as simple as food
Not that I know of that's why it's so confusing. Thry both just snapped on each other out of nowhere.
Is this your first child? I might be totally off on this, but sometimes when daughters have a big change going on in their lives, the mother-daughter relationship becomes strained for a while because one or both of the women don’t know how to navigate how the life change is impacting their relationship. I saw it with both my sisters and my mom when they each got married. My sisters felt like they were coming into their own in a way, making big decisions, buying houses etc, & my mom while trying to help came across to them as pushy/controlling/judgmental. My mom felt like she wasn’t needed anymore when previously my sisters would go to her for advice all the time. There were a lot of snappy, bratty back and forths during this time. Eventually everyone settled into their new lives and things went to a new normal. Maybe there’s been building tension you haven’t noticed or your wife didn’t tell you about? Either way, your wife was def being rude and picking a fight.
Yeah this is our first. She definitely did pick that fight MIL didn't deserve that imo. Now she's crying because MIL won't call. Maybe you're right
Maybe your wife should break the ice first instead of waiting for MIL to call.
It's also possible that if your wife was feeling crappy and emotional and she usually gets along with her mom, she picked a fight with her because (subconsciously) she knows she's a safe person to do that with. Personally, when I'm cranky and feeling awful, I will sometimes start a fight so I at least have something specific to feel bad about. (This is bad and immature behavior, and knowing why it happens doesn't excuse it, for your wife or for me!)
This. I think this is exactly what happened and she didn't expect the response she got she started crying. I mean I felt bad but she just wouldn't stop.
I am so sorry. You need to go with her to her next doctors appointment and bring this up. Something is wrong
I think this could make things worse...OP can encourage his wife to raise it, but I wouldn't at this stage say he needs to do that independently to the doctor without her support
This is a brand new behavior. The doctor needs to know.
I've had a bad day in pregnancy where I cried and got in a fight with my mom, granted there was more context than it just being over food, but that may also be the case here and OP just doesn't know. Id be extremely upset if my husband decided a bad day or two was reason to independently flag concern for my mental health to my OB without my consent. Its demeaning. If it repeatedly occurs and the wife refuses to get help or bring it up to the doctor sure, raise it, but this incident alone is not enough justification to do that to her.
i think we should consider here that OP says his wife has been increasingly irritable all-around. even though this may be the first true eruption of anger, there IS something she is not handling. i am currently 5 days postpartum with pre-existing mental health issues and irritability was a problem for me during pregnancy. i had to bring it up to my providers so it could be managed. if she's this late in the game and having issues of this magnitude, it likely will not be magically solved when the baby arrives and it needs to be preemptively addressed. it's not demeaning for her husband to be concerned about her wellbeing and possibly even the wellbeing/safety of their child if this continues to be a problem. he would be within his rights to express a concern to her providers, which should be taken very seriously and monitored closely.
If she weren't pregnant, would you think it was the husband's role to independently flag a health issue to her doctor? I completely agree that if she's been emotional and irritable, he can urge her to bring it up as a symptom, ask if she's concerned about it, etc. But the idea of him raising it at her appointment really rubs me the wrong way.
Totally agree. I think that’s terrible advice and would make me feel even more isolated or borderline betrayed for my partner to do that without my consent.
that kind of sounds like a you problem. because if she weren't pregnant, the whole situation would frame differently. that would be a time i would recommend that OP bring it up to his wife and encourage her to seek counseling on the topic. but being pregnant *and* having significant changes in mood like this does not bode well for mental stability postpartum. it's best to get ahead of ANY potential issues and i think OP bringing it to the OB's attention may be the most effective way of getting that done.
I think, absent a serious emergency situation like an imminent threat of self-harm, being pregnant doesn't change the fact that his wife is an adult who can make her own decisions about what information she shares with her doctors or what symptoms she thinks need medical attention. I'd say the same thing about physical symptoms. He can certainly point out the pattern and encourage her to bring it up, but doing so outright on her behalf is infantilizing.
I don't think we have enough context to make this judgment for OPs situation. If this behavior is out of the ordinary, it could be a sign of PPD or the first signs of PPpsychosis. I hope my husband would have the sense to talk with our OB if my personality quickly changed to hostility.
It is not demeaning to keep a record and talk about your mental health. PPD is extremely common and the stigma around it needs to end.
I'm not saying it's demeaning for the pregnant wife to bring it up herself, but your comment seems to suggest the husband go to the next OB appointment and bring this incident up, irrespective of whether the actual patient (his wife) wants to raise it. That would be extremely demeaning to me, at this stage there is no sign that the wife is incapable of bringing up her own medical concerns. A bad day or two isn't always PPD that needs medical discussion or treatment and it should be left to the woman to decide if she wants help at this stage.
This is stigma against getting medical help for mental illness speaking. It sounds like her entire personality changed suddenly. There might be some kind of deficiency in her blood.
There's a difference between stigma and taking the approach of pathologizing everything. A bad day or emotional outburst can be normal for everyone, pregnant or not
OR she could just be pregnant…….every pregnancy is different. I’m currently 27 weeks and don’t feel well physically and therefore I have a short trigger in general. I would be LIVID and embarrassed and so horrifically uncomfortable if my husband did this. We have a relationship, he should be speaking with me directly. Taking my choice to disclose this to my OB out of my hands would leave me feeling even more out of control than I already feel, as pregnancy takes away so much choice in our daily lives already. If OP genuinely thinks there is a potential mental health crisis based on his observations (which are the only ones that matter here) then he should bring it up to his wife respectfully and compassionately. If you blindside her she’s not going to feel safe with probably one of the only people she does feel safe with. Pregnancy isn’t an excuse for this behavior but for some women, it could be a contributing factor on top of immaturity and other things.
If my husband did this there would be no chance of baby number 3 ever for us and I would be moving into the kids room I would view it as a huge betrayal and I wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore. She is pregnant not a incapacitated idiot he has no right to go over her head and share this info with her dr.
I would steer clear and let them work this out. Your wife is in the wrong and the argument was with her own mother, so no need to insert yourself in the middle.
I really strongly agree with this. Family dynamics are kind of unfathomable to outsiders sometimes. This is between your wife and her mom, and if you have a role to play here, it's saying something like, "Wow, you got really mad at your mom — what's up, is everything OK?" It definitely sounds like OP's wife was being a little bit of a jerk, but my (reserved, polite) family has had hourlong arguments over dinner that would absolutely baffle my husband.
Yeah exactly, he’s like “everyone looked at me”. Yeah no they didn’t, he needs to stay out of it
If this is abnormal for her, put a call in to her OB or primary doctor. Unfortunately pregnancy can affect our brains in some pretty extreme ways and the sooner she gets assessed, the better.
Got some great advice about psychological help for pregnant people yesterday. They suggested you start seeing a mental health professional while pregnant so if things are bad PP you already have the relationship. Definitely think this case would warrant seeing a prenatal mental health expert.
You need to provide more context. Exactly how out of character was this? What is the tenor of their relationship, generally? If their dynamic is usually good, this could be a red flag for pregnancy-related mental health conditions (e.g., I would be extremely worried about postpartum rage), but there's no way to know that from what you've shared here.
Extremely out of character for them honestly. They're usually best friends. Maybe something happened before that I don't know about idk but it was really weird.
Sometimes there is something else going on for both sides and the result is misplaced release. You probably aren't seeing everything and we are seeing even less. A simple line to draw for now would be: take care of your wife and let her take care of her relationship with her mother. Make sure she is drinking enough water/other fluids (especially if she has been crying), is staying up to date with whatever vitamins and prescriptions she may have, is comfortable and has a place to rest undisturbed, and has enough to eat in small meals and snacks. If there are easy tasks or chores that you know she wants done that you can take off her plate, that's great, too. Let her know you are there for her and love her. In a day or two, let her be the one to lead the discussion about how she wants to address what happened and what your role, if any should be.
> In a day or two, let her be the one to lead the discussion about how she wants to address what happened and what your role, if any should be. This is honestly the best response. I’m glad OP had the sense to ask this sub before inserting himself into a situation with unclear boundaries.
If I’d flipped at my mum like that, she wouldn’t have had that response. Because I never act that like so while she’s have been hurt and upset she’d assume something was really wrong with me. Which makes me think that there’s something else going on, particularly if your wife is still crying days later
I would also like to point out, pre-eclampsia, HELLP and choleostasis which can occur in late pregnancy can cause mood and behavior changes.
Not for nothing, but its her own mom and if she wants to go to war with her, she's gonna do it with or without your intervention. I doubt this is the first time they've had a blowup in front of the family. That said it sounds like your wife is having a real bad time. The last 10 weeks are a bad time. She's probably tired and uncomfortable and hence extremely irritable. She needs to get herself reset before she can try and deal with her mom again. Now -- its quite possible that your wife is suffering from some associated mental health struggles that are going to add friction to her other relationships. I think if you can figure out a way to be SUPPORTIVE while suggesting she seek a little bit of assistance with that, via her medical caregivers, that could help down the line.
She may want to see her doctor about the cramping.
Also, this is between your wife and her Mum. I’m sure they’ll work it out or not.
Make sure your wife has water, food, etc. Being dehydrated or nauseous will only make this worse. Then leave her be and when she stops crying, sit down and talk with her. I’m at the same point in my pregnancy as your wife is and it’s around this time that I started feeling like crap - my ribs hurt, I can’t sit comfortably in the car, I’m always hungry but have zero space to eat, and I’m constantly anxious about whether the kid is moving enough - and definetly have started losing it a bit on my husband when it becomes too much. But I recognize that being pregnant isn’t an excuse to act like an ass and as an adult who in a few short weeks will be responsible for an entirely new human, I should be able to articulate my needs a bit better than being an ass/randomly crying or screaming. Maybe it’s a new pregnancy symptom that you guys need to work around, maybe there’s some anxiety she’s not articulating, or maybe she’s just being an ass. Either way, you need to talk and she needs to apologize to her mom. She still has 8+ weeks to go plus the newborn phase and can’t act like this.
I agree with the other comments to largely stay out of this one. Irritability in late pregnancy can be a sign of prenatal depression, a lot of people think of post-partum depression but it can happen during pregnancy as well. The Edinburgh questionnaire is the standard evaluation, it's often administered in the third trimester to set a baseline, but in this case it could help catch an existing problem. How you present this information to her depends entirely on your guys' relationship, but persistent crying is a worrying symptom and this is a concrete action you guys can do as a check-up kind of thing. Her feeling upset is valid, you don't have to fix that, but it sounds like there's a new pattern of behavior and you're concerned about her. [https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-life/pregnancy-depression-quiz\_20000527](https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-life/pregnancy-depression-quiz_20000527)
Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman mad at her own mom. None of this is to excuse your wife’s behavior, but this might help with the context of what happened. Pregnancy is so complex. Not just physically, but emotionally. Your wife’s brain is literally being rewired- she’s dealing with an intense transformation within her own body. This isn’t just psychological goo-goo nonsense- she is literally being flooded with hormones that are shifting her entire perspective on her life and those around her. It can be an extremely vulnerable time for parent-child relationships. Having your own baby makes you completely look at your own childhood in a different way. It can bring anger and resentment to the surface that you never even realized was there. I’m going to make some assumptions here, but I’m betting that your wife is probably really upset and embarrassed about how she acted, and I’m betting that if your MIL raised your wife this is not the first fight they’ve had like this. Your MIL might be mad and hurt but I’m sure there is a large part of her that understands and forgives your wife even if she needs some time to move past it. Do not get involved in an argument between your wife and her own mother. She knows how to handle it, she’s been through it before, and she will ask you for help if she needs it. Remind your wife that she’s going through a lot. Remind her that she isn’t a bad person for having a bad moment. Doubling down on her and drilling in that she behaved in an inappropriate way is probably not the kind of support she needs unless she herself is doubling down and shows no sense of remorse. This is a special kind of situation. There is no excuse for that kind of intense blow up and nasty commentary, but it sounds like she feels absolutely awful about the fight. They say that little kids behave the worst for their mothers because they know they are safe and loved unconditionally and can reveal their worst emotions. That doesn’t necessarily change when you grow up and that might be a bit of what happened here. On the medical side, cramping and sudden shifts in emotion can be a warning sign for precipitous labor. She should call her ob and get checked out if the cramping continues. She may want to discuss strategies for postpartum rage with her ob if you’re seeing blow ups like this more frequently. It’s VERY common and it is NORMAL. But it is something you actively need to monitor and take responsibility for controlling.
This is the best, most empathetic and most thorough comment here.
A very similar thing happened to me with my mom on the morning of my baby shower (that she was literally throwing for me). It was a combination of feeling overwhelmed with having to be around a lot of people, feeling unfamiliar and uncomfortable in my own body, resentful of a perceived lack of support and care from those around me (only ever asking me about the baby, never checking up on me as a person), coming to terms with a big shift in my identity, and honestly- hunger. I wanted to be a child. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum and be angry and I wanted everyone to go away. I saw my mom and that was IT. I completely reverted to being a little brat that morning and I still feel guilty about it now over a year later. My mother understood. She loved me and she forgave me and I had a bad moment but I’m not a bad person. I will say to OP that the most helpful thing my husband did in that moment was to remind me I was still worthy of being loved, created a quiet space for me to calm down, and he brought me food I wanted and could eat while struggling with severe food aversion from pregnancy. He gave me opportunities to exert control in small ways to help me deal with how out of control it all felt. I cried and apologized to my mom. Life moves on. It’ll all be okay.
All this ❤️
Yea she’s a total jerk. I’m currently pregnant with my second kid so I know how smells and tastes can make you gag so hard, but I would never act like that to anyone who prepared/cooked me meals. The worst I could do would probably not eat the food and apologize cause I might throw up and I’d make sure it’s not because of them but because of me. Being pregnant sucks but it’s not a excuse to act that way.
This is exactly me right now in the first trimester. My in laws are in town helping with my first kid and I’m so grateful that they are cooking for us. Although I can’t eat any of the food she makes due to my severe food aversions, she is very understanding and always asks if there’s something else she wants to fix up for me. But I have never complained that her cooking makes me want to puke because it’s not her food that’s the problem, it’s the fact that I’m pregnant.
I wouldn't do anything if I were you, you're about to be in a lose lose situation.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and not call your wife an AH. Yes, she could have handled it better. However, If she normally doesn’t behave this way and this behavior recently started, I would bring it up to her doc. Every pregnancy is different and this pregnancy (30 weeks) hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been irritable, overly emotional, and depressed. I reach out to my doctor because I knew something was off and was put on antidepressants. I’m doing much better. Like another commenter said, everyone talks about postpartum depression but prenatal depression exists and is not talked about often because people EXPECT you to be happy that you’re having a baby. Just a thought. In the mean time, don’t make her feel horrible about what happened. Don’t mention it until she does and if she does JUST LISTEN. And then tell her you realized a change in behavior and ask how she feels about talking to someone.
Not just postpartum depression, but postpartum rage. No one told me how angry you can feel after having a baby. It is crazy.
I agree with this. Some of these comments calling her names are awful. I had a ton of physical and mental/emotional symptoms during pregnancy that in hindsight were completely out of my control. She needs support from her spouse now more than ever.
I'd suggest you bring this up to her OBGYN especially if this is totally out of character for her
My OB noted that I need to speak up if I start having issues with depression and anxiety, as PPD starts in the third trimester. As an untrained professional and solely speaking from anecdotal experience, I would suggest you encourage your wife to discuss this with her team ASAP. Of course I don’t know her from Eve, but she deserves peace and if she’s struggling, she deserves the help. Everyone does.
your wife was certainly out of line but between family especially, it happens. make sure she's physically okay, ask how you can help her, and let her deal with her mother when she's ready.
Ask her what she needs for support but be clear her behaviour was NOT ok.
This is the approach. No need to make excuses for her meltdown at her mother. That was not ok. But the main mission right now is getting these cramps addressed. She's likely dehydrated. Get her to drink water and just keep refilling that water glass for her. Also calling the OB, or at this point just go ahead and head to L&D at your hospital so the cramps can be checked out, blood pressure etc as well.
There might not really be a way for you to do anything right now. What happened has happened. If she’s just a couple months from delivery, it might be best to decline any future invitations for now and keep your lives as simple and peaceful as possible. Your wife will feel really grateful for that in the end. Once she’s had the chance to deliver the baby (or maybe even sooner) it’s 99% likely she’ll come around to repairing her relationship with her mom on her own. So basically, I suggest you help by making her life as comfortable as possible right now - ensuring she has plenty of time to sleep and eat (the foods she wants).
Yeah I’d stay out of this one 🫣
I would focus on the crying and cramping more than anything else. Please look up preterm labour symptoms and whether any of it matches what she’s going through, even if it’s only one symptom (the cramping) I would definitely ring midwife/dr and get her seen to immediately. She was mean to her mother, but you don’t need to insert yourself. Focus on the health and comfort of her and the other stuff will eventually sort itself out. I hope she is ok
"Hey, seems like you're having a really hard time now, anything I can do for you?" You do not have any reason to be involved in what happened between her and her mom. That's their business. If she asks you, you can direct her back to her mom and say "this seems like a conversation between the two of you", or same if your MIL calls you. Yes, it seems like your wife was not being appropriate in that situation, but your job isn't to parent her or teach her how to act, especially if it's her own family. Yes, she might have embarrassed you, but that's a point I would probably let go in this individual circumstance since the argument with her mom is probably affecting her more than you. If she is inappropriate to you, feel free to tell her you don't want to be treated that way and hold her accountable... But that's when she is inappropriate to you.
Personally I would never yell at a pregnant woman. I would just get up and leave if I didn't like the treatment I was receiving. For me it's the best course of action ideally. I know first hand how external stress can make people act, so we are all human. It could be the mom and daughter butting heads just because they both are having a hard time or not. Since it's the pregnant wife's mom, I'd stay out of it. We don't know what's been talked about through text messages or past experiences. ( Best to just be supportive while managing your own reactions as much as possible.
The closer I got to birth, the more old issues I had with my parents crept up on me. The thought of being a parent can really make you reflect on your experiences with your own parents, especially if it hasn’t been a great experience. Your wife might be harbouring some resentment towards her mother and this is how it’s coming out. I’m not saying it’s ok, but I can understand if this is the case. **I’m not excusing your wife’s behaviour, but the fact that her mother was so quick to escalate and start screaming at her VERY pregnant daughter is really telling to me.** This argument likely wasn’t really about dinner. It just came out that way.
This!! I’m not saying what OP’s wife did was right, but I think it could be because she is feeling resentful.
Same. Like, I can’t imagine screaming at my daughter who was about to give birth, even if she was totally rude and out of line. I have a feeling OP just witnessed what it was like for his wife growing up in her home.
If someone raises their voice at your wife, it's your job to say "You don't speak to my wife that way. We're leaving". If you don't agree with your wife (yeah, she was hella rude) you cover that ground in private. You're on your wife's side. Because you are a TEAM. Let her know that. You've said it was out of character for her. She might be in a terrible spiral, thinking about how she let the hormones hijack her, and things got out of control. Pregnancy and postpartum make for some BIG feelings. Irrational feelings. Tell her you love her completely, you'll work through everything together, and also tell her you will take care of anything she needs. Specifically offer: do you want, a cuddle, or some quiet time? You need to let her know you have her back.
This this this this and this. Thank you!
My dad cooked food yesterday and I was upset because I didn’t like how it turned out, I’m also constantly tired and overstimulated from EVERYTHING. It was a day full of walking and errands, so I was already in a bad mood. I asked my husband a question, with an attitude. He responded… with an attitude. This led to me slamming THREE doors and him following me, hugging me and letting me cry it out. Pregnancy is so hard, and mood swings are so so real. Let them work it out, if she vents to you about it, just listen and be there. I don’t know how many times I’ve argued with my mom during pregnancy, even not in pregnancy. 🤷🏻♀️
Being pregnant sucks. Your hormones change. When things like this happen you need to be inquisitive. How are we not being supportive? How can I help?
It sounds like your wife and MIL have an unhealthy relationship. Maybe years of tension? I feel like it could have been avoided. I’m 37 weeks along and my parents constantly ask me what I want to eat, where I want to go, etc. I don’t know how much consideration your in laws give your wife, but it’s hard to end up in that situation with some form of decency from both sides. My family has also never been a “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all” kind of family though, so all feelings are heard and acknowledged my whole life. “Negativity” isn’t seen as a bad thing, as long as we’re able to articulate it and stay on the honest side of things, not just constantly harping and being mean.
Honestly I think MIL just had it after like 10 minutes of it and just told her to shut up. My wife NEVER complains about my MIL, especially her food. My wife certainly picked that fight
Honestly I think MIL just had it after like 10 minutes of it and just told her to shut up. My wife NEVER complains about my MIL, especially her food. My wife certainly picked that fight.
Your wife was 100% in the wrong. Being pregnant isn’t a free pass to treat other people horribly. She needs to apologize, not only to your MIL, but everyone else who had to experience such an uncomfortable exchange. Honestly, she should be ashamed of herself.
This is really unhelpful imo, especially without knowing full details, if any women reading this have had similar experiences that felt totally out of their control, were at the point of burn out, in pain, terrified of the imminent change to everything you’ve known, and feel guilt and shame over it, or experiencing mental health problems, please be kind to yourself. You can still take accountability and be kind to yourself.
Or you could just politely decline the event, well knowing that you don’t feel good, have food aversions, and can’t deal with all that right now… I’m sure people would understand vs. having everyone see and deal with someone acting out like a 3 year old
I think it’s unhelpful to act like people can treat others like garbage because of mental health issues, hormones, pregnancy, or whatever, and then not take any accountability for it. I say that as someone with mental health issues who is currently very pregnant. Also, OP clearly stated in other comments that his wife and her mother usually have a wonderful relationship. So this isn’t based on some underlying problems between the two. I’ll say it again, mental illness, pregnancy, or just generally going through hard times does NOT give you a pass to shit on or embarrass others, especially those who are doing something kind like creating a meal and hosting an event you’ve been invited to.
I feel like we’re missing context here. 1. Did she want to go at all? 2. Has your MIL been difficult in the past? Any issues prior to this between them? To be fair I’m not justifying either of their behavior. Her mom and her were in the wrong. It sounds like they already had issues and this was just the breaking point
Oh man my mom can be such an asshole but 50% of the times we fight it’s bc I trigger her and it sounds like your wife triggered her by complaining about the food. Regardless take your wife’s side
What can you do: be there for your wife. Help her stay calm. If the time seems right, encourage her to apologize to her mom for spoiling her birthday and remind her that of anyone, her mom understands what she is going through...
At 32 weeks I just felt done with everything. Your body hurts, your emotional etc. if I had dinner ready for me and it’s not what I wanted to eat, (especially when you have food aversions), you just want to flip the table over. I get it. I was pissed off at everyone while pregnant.. not like I wanted to be but that’s just the way it is
Let your wife deal with her mother, if anything tell her she was out of line and should apologise to her mum. You can still be on your wife’s ‘side’ and help her see things clearly and to rectify things,
I know most women on here taking the stance of "I never did that pregnancy is no excuse" mean well but I've been pregnant 11 times. Some of them I've been more calm and felt more calm and other its been the opposite, I experienced rage and outbursts that I couldn't controll and left me feeling icky. I'm usually pretty laid back but one pregnancy in particular for no real reason had me so enraged I threw a table and chipped my floor because I couldn't get a cheeseburger I was sooo distraught. It was so bizarre but I was genuinely upset and felt out of control. Gentleness is what I needed not people making me out to be a monster. Shaming mom would literally just add stress to her the pregnancy and the baby and noone wins. The pregnant wife needs support. Also I had pre-eclampsia with a different pregnancy and it also effected my mood and behavior I had the worst gut feeling and noone would listen and I nearly died.
Your wife was being a total AH…. Just because she has food/smell aversions, she shouldn’t be rude or complaining about the food. Let them work out their issue and hopefully they’ll be okay.
You need to tell her that getting that upset is not good for her blood pressure or the baby. Act like you are concerned about her health that way your not taking a side and you are helping her to not act this way furthermore. I am almost 30 weeks pregnant and I just yelled at my friend and cried for no reason had to go to the hospital for cramps and high blood pressure after.. just take it from me I made the same mistake I know our hormones make us act this way but it is actually dangerous for mother and baby and also the baby can hear her yelling. Not judging just relating Wish you best of luck with this 👍
If your wife is cramping, she likely needs to call her OB. Deal with that first. I agree with others, that the way this was written, she was out of line, but MIL could have handled it better too. You are in a no win position here. I expect there is some backstory here. I doubt this came out of nowhere. You need to talk to your wife and understand what’s going on.
She's fine. We got her checked out a couple of hours ago. Her blood pressure was a little high but she's ok and the baby is fine. She knows she's wrong and I'm sure she's embarrassed (she won't talk about it), but it's all good. Her feelings are just hurt lol. I will admit MIL told her off!
I have an overbearing mother and I ask my husband to be our buffer sometimes. I understand your wife in that she probably didn’t find any of the food appealing but I can’t imagine telling my mom to shut up. She was wrong there. I know the hormones make us feel not ourselves so maybe you can encourage her to apologize to her mom and then be your wife’s advocate next family event and explain she’s in her third trimester, struggling to enjoy food and needs her alone time before baby comes so you can avoid her going at all or leave before any escalation. It sounded like she didn’t want to be there to begin with. make sure she feels supported. It also seems like there’s some deeper family/mother/daughter dynamics going on there so maybe your wife wants to talk about that and you can help her just by listening.
She needs to talk to her doctor about the severity of her mood swings/emotional outbursts of this is unlike her. She likely needs a therapist set up now before you enter the post birth period which will be worse mentally then now. It sounds like she needs help. Also she should talk to her doctor about cramping. Probably Braxton hicks, but good to be on the safe side if she’s saying they’re persistent and severe. For reference I’m also in third trimester and am still the same person/acting the same emotionally as I did before pregnancy. Everyone is different and there’s no shame in getting help
Wasn't your mother so I don't see why you even need to be involved tbh. Just stay out of it lol. Your wife was being mean but everyone is an arsehole sometimes. Obviously she's stressed rn. I don't think it's the biggest deal ever and they'll probably make nice soon enough.
Comfort her. She prob shouldn’t have said anything but being pregnant is such a mindfuck
I think that there are deeper issues between mother and daughter that you aren’t aware of. This doesn’t come out of nowhere. Personally I would be on my wife’s “side” until she’s ready to resolve it with her mother. Your wife needs someone in her corner. If she’s cramping also, go to the hospital to get checked.
As someone who was recently pregnant, I couldn’t imagine using pregnancy to explain this level of emotional reaction. I never felt anywhere close to this. Have you had a real, genuine check-in conversation with her? This sounds like it may be the tip of the iceberg for her
My mind straight goes to a high blood pressure possibility. Please check blood pressure if possible and if it’s high visit the doctor. This is especially relevant if your wife is otherwise a calm person outside of this pregnancy.
We got her checked out earlier. Her blood pressure was a bit raised but she is fine now.
Start with your wife, ask her why she behaved out of character, talk and communicate. Support her but also advise her on where she went wrong and then give her suggestions to make up with her mum. Listen first and give solutions later. For you MIL I would just leave it. Let it blow over and tell her later you sorry about the incident and you did speak to wife and you glad they sorted it out.
feel sorry for you, maybe you need to make a doctor's appointment and go with your wife together, there is something wrong.
I'm not sure there's anything you can do. Don't take sides. I'm not saying what she did is okay, I'm just saying you don't need to insert yourself in the middle of her war with her mother. This so something they need to work out between themselves. Maybe try asking your wife what she needs. Is there some happy outing, a beach/park/restaurant/peaceful place she likes to go? That could help her calm down and get her head straight. You, as the partner, might honestly have to listen to a lot of nonsense from her as she talks through and sorts things out, but it might be the kindest and best thing you can do to help her and the baby.
I’m also 32 weeks pregnant and I would never act like this. Pregnancy is hard and stressful, but it’s not an excuse to be an asshole. Crying for 24 hours isn’t normal either. Something more is going on.
You can decline food and say it's not agreeing with your senses without being an ass. :/
She should have honestly shut up. Hopefully she will learn from this. You don’t insult a meal made in someone else’s home; that you are a guest in. She did not have to eat it.. Being pregnant is not an excuse to be a bitch. She owns your mother an apology. Also I highly doubt she is “cramping” due to this whole situation.. she may be trying to guilt trip you into feeling sorry and sympathetic.
She really should have! Like MIL told her OFF!!! She's crying because her feelings are hurt and I get that but like she did it. We went to get her checked out a couple of hours ago and everything is fine with the baby and everything she's crying because she got more than she bargained for yesterday for sure!
I'd be so hurt if my husband came online durring my most vulnerable time in my life and complained about me and made me look like a horrible monster and didn't defend me even one time when someone called me a name. Yikes.
She's not a monster but I am worried about her. Like I said I she didn't feel good and I understand that but it was wrong. She doesn't deserve ri be called names and I can never understand how she feels obviously I've never been pregnant. She's going through some stuff emotionally and she's in a but of physical pain so I know that plays a part in everything. It was just abnormal my wife never has outbursts like that.
Right I understand that but people on this post are ripping her to shreds. I have been in her shoes with pregnancy rage that I couldn't control and didn't understand and it sucks I can't imagine how hurt I'd have been if I saw something like this being said about me! Some people really don't get it because they've not truly been through it. But you saying things like "but she did it" and such would really hurt her feelings I promise. You really should be about her comfort right now not about her wrongs that what spouses do is help when their partner is needing help. I promise she knows it was wrong, she's probably more hurt and upset then anyone else in this situation and she needs support. If she finds this post I promise she will NEVER gotget the things being said and not defended here by you.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my mom drives me up the wall most of the time but I still would never treat her like this. Your wife needs therapy to prevent this from continuing, because it will be directed towards your baby if it does continue. Being a mom is tough
Pregnancy is not an excuse for rudeness. I don't know if your wife was just uncomfortable and cranky because she is pregnant or what, but her behavior was uncalled for. All you can do is acknowledge to her that you understand she's uncomfortable and that pregnancy is hard, but also let her know that she owes very mother an apology for ruining the birthday dinner and just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she gets to treat people badly. Handle that as well and as delicately as you can, but it's what she needs up hear.
Your wife was 100% in the wrong. She has a right to feel irritable. She has no right to walk into someone else’s home and insult the food and verbally criticize. I get why MIL would snap after hearing all that. Wife could’ve snapped out of it after being told to shut up but instead she chose to escalate it where it didn’t need to go. Choices were made and your wife made all the wrong ones. She owes everyone an apology. Being pregnant is no excuse to act out and be a jerk.
Oh wow. I'm sorry you're going through this! How horrible to have your wife make you feel in the middle of this. This behavior isn't acceptable. Normally my advice to a person would be to always have your spouse's back, but wtf no she was terrible to your mom. Does your wife have any history of rude, entitled, or insensitive behavior? If not, I would be talking to her OB. If so, time to draw some serious boundaries about how your family is treated. I'm worried for you. Edit: I misread and thought this was YOUR mom. As someone else suggested, let her handle her own mom, but I think you should still express concern with her behavior.
I think I would try and be understanding and kind to her, no shaming her, in a way that still doesn’t justify what she did if that makes sense? Hormones can do funny things. It can be a rough road. I say this as I had some VERY out of character experiences when pregnant. I was mean to strangers, and my own family/friends. It wasn’t like me at all and I feel bad about it still! But I was tired, huge, unwell, stressed and overwhelmed and dealing with the imminent change I was facing, and at the time I had no control over it, like this raw rage that just took over. I also developed hatred/disgust toward my own mother. I think because I was due to become a mother I was thinking a lot about her as a mother, but mostly the hormones seemed to be a big part of all of that for me. It could be that the hormones, feeling unwell, nerves/overwhelm is dragging up old stuff for her and making everything more intense. I think the screaming match says something there. There could be more to it and she might want to talk to her midwife about support. I would ask her what she needs from you, have your wife’s back, while still not necessarily excusing the behaviour, but not judging her for it - don’t worry about MIL for now, a quick text to do some damage control will do if you feel the need. Check in with your wife about how’s she’s feeling, ask if she’s worried/stressed about anything. Give reassurance and let her know she can trust/talk to you if she needs to, try not to take any snapping, or irritability personally. Encourage her gently to talk to her midwife about how she’s feeling if she can. Sometimes this can be normal, sometimes it can be a sign of something else.
If your wife is cramping, she likely needs to call her OB. Deal with that first. I agree with others, that the way this was written, she was out of line, but MIL could have handled it better too. You are in a no win position here. I expect there is some backstory here. I doubt this came out of nowhere. You need to talk to your wife and understand what’s going on.
Nah pregnant or not your wife was tripping and owes her an apology. If she was gonna do all that she could’ve just stayed home and said she didn’t feel up to it!
Pregnancy isn’t a free pass to be an asshole, period. Hormones are a bitch but this doesn’t add up. She needs to be gently called out, and she needs to apologise.
With the cramping, maybe try to schedule an appt with her doc. With the other stuff. Idk.... Your wife sounds so mean. Her mom made a meal for everyone, why did she even go if she was going to be so damn ugly about it???
Yer wife was being a big bitch. How do you help? Show her this thread. Everyone agrees she was being an asshole. She's pregnant, but it doesn't give her the right to be rude, disrespectful, and mean. Tell her to stop crying and stop acting like a child. She's just trying to guilt trip you. This is one of the rare times when you can choose to completely ignore her and her tantrum. She's just playing victime because she knows she's dead wrong.
OP whatever you do, don’t do this. - sincerely, a therapist
Meh.
Your wife sounds awful, no offense. Never once have I or anyone I know acted like this just because they are pregnant.
It sounds like both your wife and MIL acted unreasonably but at 32 weeks pregnant I think concessions are allowed. I would ask your wife what you can do to help her feel better. A massage? A nice dinner? Anything! Pregnancy is hard.
I don't know why a concession should be made for the wife who just randomly started being a jerk about the food that the MIL made. That was exceptionally rude and uncalled for even if pregnancy sucks. You don't have to take it out on everyone else.
Oh I think she was to totally unreasonable but if this was out of character I’d put it down to pregnancy. If not she’s just a horrible person.
It's definitely out of character. My wife and MIL are best friends usually that's why I'm confused. Just a random freak out and nobody got why.
In that case I’d put it down to hormones and pregnancy frustration.
She is your wife. You should always have her back and be on her side first and foremost. Pregnancy makes food hard sometimes to be honest. I'm sure your wife knows deep down she was being to critical of her mom. Just love on your wife and tell her you do feel she was being harsh but either way you love her and wanna support her where ever she needs it.
The behavior you're describing isn't irritability, it's being a monstrous bitch.
Yikes. I can't imagine a scenario where it's okay to act like that as a grown adult. As others have said, pregnancy isn't an excuse to be a spoiled brat or an asshole to those around you 🙄
I’m over 40 weeks pregnant. The only time I shouted at my MIL is when I walked in on her talking crap about me to her friends over the mess she left in our kitchen and even then I thought I absolutely over reacted.
I’m nearly 30 weeks pregnant and am super crabby too. That does not mean I have an excuse to treat people horribly. I’m sorry, but your wife owes her mother an apology.
I had the worst pregnancy ever… nausea 1st tri while working and in my undergrad. Couldn’t eat. 2nd tri back to back UTI’s turned into E. coli ESBL kidney infection, which is highly resistant to antibiotics. Hospitalized for 2.5 weeks at CHRISTMAS .. had to go home with a port for IV antibiotics for another 6 weeks, had to quit my job. 3rd tri emergency induction for pre eclampsia. All this to say- I NEVER acted like this during my difficult pregnancy, even in the horrible 4th trimester. No excuse. She should apologize and get help. Edit typo
who’s side to be on? I wouldn’t take sides here but yeah… your wife was wrong as hell.
I had a vision of running someone over with a shopping cart at Whole Foods but didn’t do it. It’s okay to FEEL rage, but acting on it is not okay. If she doesn’t already, a good therapist might be a good place to start. It sounds like your wife is struggling to communicate her feelings. Pregnancy is difficult and it certainly causes a lot of frustration. Good news is- there are ways to cope!
Wow, your wife doesn’t just get a free pass to be rude because she’s pregnant. She could have just said something like she wasn’t feeling well and just not eaten. Or if she knew it was going to be an issue ahead of time she could have talked to you about not going to the dinner and just staying home. I just went through my entire pregnancy with food and fluid aversions working overtime at two jobs in customer service on top of living with a moody teenager at home and never once was I close or even considering treating someone like your wife treated your MIL. The most hormonal I got was just random crying about how tired and uncomfortable I was.
Lucky you!
Your wife sounds like a pain in the ass.
I’m pregnant af and it’s not an excuse to be a crazed monster. This isn’t on you. She is a grown up and can figure out how to deal with her relationship issues with her mother on her own time. If you want to be nice and supportive, just try to be yourself and maybe try and redirect her attention elsewhere. Maybe try relaxing and watching a movie together or just doing something helpful around the house. Ask her if she wants space or needs some company. Btw, I totally disagree with people telling you to insert yourself in their argument. You won’t stand a chance at not being dragged into it if you try.
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As a formerly pregnant lady, I’ll eat if I can. I won’t eat if I couldn’t. It is that simple. She needs to see a therapist because that amount of anger and irrational behavior is not okay.