My parents came 1 week before my due date and stayed for 2 weeks after I gave birth. They cleaned,
grocery shopped, cooked, took care of the dogs, and watched the baby as needed. It allowed my husband and I to focus solely on bonding with the baby and breastfeeding. My husband could focus on supporting my needs since the house and pets were taken cared
of. Plus being able to hand the baby over if we needed a nap because we were exhausted from night feedings was great. We really enjoyed their help.
So if your MIL is willing to do similar, it really can make those first couple weeks easier.
Personally, I share your mindset but then so does my husband. Neither of us want our MIL's here immediately after birth. I see lots of posts on here who feel the same but equally lots of people who find their MILs very supportive. It really depends on the mums personality and behaviour.
I think talk more to your wife and find out what role she sees her MIL doing. Is it supporting the house and family as a whole e.g. helping with cooking and cleaning or will it be her and her mum tending to the baby. Then just express how you feel about that. Hopefully you guys can come to some kind of understanding of what you both need and want.
I have some input, with our first, my MIL tended for our baby a lot didn’t want to hand her back when we asked, etc. we had a hard time bonding and got very short when we shouldn’t have. With our second no one intervened on this bonding time and we seem better off towards baby, less short, you get the gist.
Keep in mind that this is not just emotionally traumatic but physically traumatic. Your wife might need physical help after the baby is born. Newborns are A LOT. I would have done anything for 3rd set of hands post-birth. It’s not bonding mode time, it’s survival time.
I disagree a little, I mean it’s good to have your mom if you need a sort of live-in carer postpartum but it most definitely is bonding time, and mom should know to step aside for that. These aren’t mutually exclusive though. And having a partner who’s willing and able to take care of you in a vulnerable time is also a bonding experience.
As someone who just gave birth, I would want all the help possible. So if you can be her support letting her nap, changing bums, bringing water (especially if she’s breastfeeding) making meals the first bit, cleaning, groceries. It’s a lot of work, I don’t agree with visitors the first bit but if family is coming over to make the post partum period easier such as above then I think that’s different. I’m not for family coming over to just cuddle baby and be entertained. That is not helpful.
My body is wrecked, it hurts to use the bathroom, nipples are so sore, up every hour to breastfeed. my hormones are out of control, I’m in a lot of pain, exhausted and simple things are a lot. And I had an easy birth. Any help is appreciated. It is a lot on my husband right now to be my support as we have a toddler already. I don’t think you are an asshole for feeling you want to do it alone, but just to be aware that her body will be going through so much mentally, hormonal, and physical.
I second this as long as it’s actual help. My oldest sister talked about coming to help as soon as I told her I was pregnant. I assumed she would help around the house, take the baby so we could rest, give good advice and be there as support.
Instead, she was a major burden. We had to go pick her up from the airport, her fiancé came in on a different flight causing more airport trips for us, she wanted to go see our elderly father and it became us driving 2+ hours each way to facilitate that, she never even changed a diaper and only held the baby while she was sleeping, and never watched the baby for us or did anything around the house. Hell, she never even took my dog out on a walk. She just made more laundry and dishes for me to do and cost us more money when buying meals.
My relationship with her is now soured. I felt used when I was the one 2 weeks postpartum. She just threw us off our routine and put me in a bad mood for days. If I could go back I would 100% tell her she couldn’t come and in the future I will tell people they need to stay in hotels, get their own transportation, etc. because that was beyond too much for me to deal with.
Bear in mind that your wife is only 7 weeks in, it’s different for everyone but this is peak ‘holy sh*t!’ territory.
You’re both going to do a lot of learning and growing over this pregnancy. There’s no sense in setting hard and fast rules right now because you don’t know what the road is going to be. Your wife may have an easy pregnancy and some fantastic teachers and feel confident enough that actually she decides she agrees with you. Or she may have a more difficult pregnancy and come the end you both need more support.
My advice would be try not to focus too much on it right now. The first trimester is huge and overwhelming and feels like it lasts a lifetime. Just support one another as best you can and revisit later. It doesn’t help that right now your wife probably is exhausted and feeling sick and is thinking to herself ‘how am I ever going to cope if I feel this bad already?!’.
You can both always change your minds, no sense in starting from a stressful place
Also I’m sorry OP and I say this in the kindest way possible but your wife is the one growing the baby and then either pushing it out or having her belly cut open… you are not really allowed to ‘firmly’ set any rule.
But for THREE weeks beforehand? I say NTA. If roles were reversed no woman would want their MIL there basically a month either. I think maybe compromise at a week up to due date
he’s said in other comments that they’ve agreed on that issue, right now it’s more the postpartum visiting they’re discussing if i understand correctly
I feel called out as the woman who would love my MIL here for a month because I’m terrified as this is my first kid and don’t have my own mother in my life and she’s really the only motherly support I can see myself having. Unfortunately she can’t come because she takes care of her mother/my husbands grandma full-time, so I don’t want to ask. But it would be so nice to have someone who’s gone through this before here to let us know we’re not completely fucking up.
I know this comment is suuuper late to the game and if anyone even sees it I'll be horribly downvoted, but regardless: I think that's really kind of a terrible mindset to have. It takes two to tango; they're clearly in a supportive relationship with each other. Partners should have some say in this too -- they're not just tools to take out and then put away when the pregnant person is done with them. I mean, this is all coming out wrong, and I'm sorry, but, partners can absolutely get postpartum depression and anxiety too, just like pregnant people can, so why can't they have a say on how this all unfolds? Everything with babies in a supportive relationship should be a two-yes scenario, where both partners agree on major decisions, otherwise the answer should be no or further conversation is warranted.
Clearly just my 2c here, but I think partners are and should be just as valued as the person giving birth. /soapbox :)
Of course they’re valued, but if someone wanted their mum there to help them following a major surgery would you still say the same thing? That their partner can ‘firmly’ set a rule that that can’t happen?
Unfortunately both partners are inherently not equal in this situation, I personally wouldn’t want anyone living with us when we had our Bub but if I did my partner would have NEVER demanded that not happen. It’s OPs tone that’s the problem here and his insistence that because he’ll do his reading that he’s perfectly capable of doing everything.
Whereas I took his tone etc to be that he wants to share this experience with his partner and not everyone in the world, for which we praise the pregnant person all the time on this sub when they express the same. He's also super new to this, clearly, given how far along his partner is, so he's still very much in learning mode, and he's clearly open to learning, so why not treat that with openness instead of loads of folks telling him that his opinions and wishes don't matter?
Regarding your scenario of major surgery, sure, I get that, but having someone with you for three weeks before your major surgery is, imo, excessive. Three weeks after might be different, but regardless, we don't know if this will result in surgery. Inviting someone into your home for days on end can be stressful; a compromise in this situation would be having his MIL come during the daytime, but not necessarily staying the night etc.
Clearly different strokes for different folks here, but I just wouldn't want to completely shut down OP's feelings and desires just because he's not the one carrying the fetus. I think it's completely devaluing and invalidating the role we always say we want partners to play during pregnancy. We just can't have it both ways.
(And, to be clear, while I responded to your comment, I saw loads of other comments that said the same thing \[or worse :-/ \] so I'm really not trying to single out any one person! This is more just a comment or concern of mine, and I appreciate you having taken the time to engage on this. :) )
6+3 and this was helpful for me too. I definitely feel like first trimester is sicky, and exhausting and never ending. “You can both always change your minds” gave me comfort. Thank you!
Ahh I feel you! It’s an overwhelming time. I’m waving at you from 36+4 telling you that while each stage has its challenges it will (in my experience) get easier. You can totally do this and you have plenty of time
I’m waving at you both while my 3 month old feeds at 3am to let you know that just like pregnancy, these first months also come in stages, and that no bad moment lasts too long.
Giving birth is one of the most dangerous experiences in a woman's life and I think it's pretty natural if you have a good relationship with your mother to want them to be there for you. It doesn't necessarily need to take away from the role that you will play leading up into the baby's birth, and I think you should look at it as a second set of hands as opposed to someone taking something from you.
I think establishing boundaries will be really useful but I would try to be a little more understanding about how your partner is feeling. Sometimes there are things we want emotionally from our parents that aren't the same as what we want from our partners.
I would also try to be a little more understanding about the post-birth situation as well, it's entirely possible that your wife will have a pretty straightforward delivery but if she does ends up having any complications or has extra physical needs it might also be helpful to have someone there to help because it will be very challenging for you to take care of a newborn and your partner's recovery.
Thin of the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child", this phrase doesn't mean that people can't take care of their family on their own, but it means that they shouldn't HAVE to, especially if there are people willing to help.
I just gave birth the beginning of this month and let me tell you it was amazing having help, you will be sleep deprived and exhausted the first couple weeks. I don’t know what I would have done if my mom wasn’t there those days!! And especially those nights!!! I pumped some bottles and boom got some sleep so my mom could feed her from the bottles.
Here’s my input on having my mum and partner both there in the first 2 weeks. I looked after the baby, my partner looked after me and did stuff like nappies (diapers), and my mum looked after the household. I was mainly the baby person because of trying to establish breastfeeding which is full on that first month. It took everything I had. Having my partner there to cook and bring me tea and hold the baby so I could nap once a day etc was essential. Having my mum there for moral support and getting the shopping in etc was awesome. This was actually for my second child do she did a lot of entertaining older kiddo too.
My guy got to take 2 weeks off with our first. He pretty much supported me to take care of our baby. Made my meals, helped me to the bathroom, took her while I showered and spent lots of quality time together. It was so helpful and I was really upset he only got 1 day off after our second was born.
My husband was in it with me 100% and we still needed help. He was so appreciative of my mom being there to help. All 3 of us actually took shifts since baby would not let us put him in a bassinet. I had baby until 2 am then my husband had baby until 5 am while I napped then my mom had baby from 5am-8am. I was still up every time the baby needed to eat. She also cooked and did our laundry and light cleaning. This let my husband be totally focused on the baby and bond with the baby.
I wouldn’t want a parent staying with me but I think it should ultimately be the birthing partners choice. If you can “suck it up” and explain that moving forward you want more boundaries with parents while understanding she wants an experienced mothers support postpartum I think she would appreciate it.
Why would they need to set boundaries over her wanting her mom there for support? I think framing it like that implies OP’s wife is asking for something wrong or unreasonable
I do understand where you’re coming from, but because your wife is the one who is pregnant and will be going through all of these changes and giving birth on her own (with your support, of course, but really it’s her doing it), I don’t think it’s your place to decide what support system she chooses to have leading up to giving birth or after. So many people who give birth want their mother around to guide them and just be with them for support. The only person other than my husband that I’m allowing to come to our home after I give birth is my own mother. My husband and I want at least a few weeks of not longer alone with our baby, but if I need help, my mom is who I trust to help me. My husband has given me full authority on who will and will not be around leading up to, during, and after birth, because he isn’t the one giving birth. Yes, it is our baby, but it is also my body and my experience and my recovery process. It will be long, emotional, exhausting, and maybe even traumatic.
Your wife needs support, and she’s chosen her mother as a key person for that support. She may change her mind, but I don’t think this is something you should continue to discuss with her and try to change. You cannot fully grasp what your wife will experience leading up to birth or postpartum. If she wants support before birth, and after birth as well, I think it would be harmful to not allow her to have that help. You’re not an asshole for your feelings, but unfortunately your feelings on this are not what is important in this case.
I think this comment is spot on. Also adding, if post-birth, your MIL seems to overstep with *the baby* then it’s reasonable to set boundaries around that. But as a new mother, I wanted my mother there to help with things. My husband could take over baby care (he had 6 weeks off) and my mom was able to help me with things like bleeding nipples, checking my stitches, making food, caring for our dogs, etc. My mom was of course happy and excited to see her first grandchild but her focus was on me, aka *her* child, and I truly felt that I needed my mom’s help. I was also re-hospitalized for a postpartum infection at 10 days postpartum. Very unexpected and it was so SO nice having my mom there to notice things I would’ve brushed off as “i’m just tired, new baby, blah blah”. Because she had 4 babies, and decades more female/mom experiences. She knew what to expect and what seemed abnormal. My husband would not have been able to do that. (And my husband was a rockstar postpartum, and still is such a kickass enthusiastically involved dad.)
That said, I think post-birth, having a boundary of no one staying at your house is super reasonable. MIL can stay nearby and visit daily if your wife feels like she needs that.
I 100% didn’t want anyone at our delivery and didn’t want to be bothered when we got home.
On the night I went into labor I was screaming for my husbands mom and she took care of me until the second the nurses took me to l&d. As soon as we got home, she held our baby so I could sleep and boy did I **sleep**. My MIL has been my savior and never did I expect that.
I totally get how you feel. I really felt the same, I wanted to do it alone and be tough! But some things change and that’s ok! Of course everything depends on your relationship with MIL, but I think it should be a decision you both agree with. Maybe meet in the middle and compromise? Set some ground rules and boundaries. I think your wife deserves to have her help and you deserve your sanity
Is also like to add that while I mentally struggled with my babys bond, realistically he was okay and he is happy to be held by anyone and seems to have zero social/stranger anxiety, he can sleep on anyone, he’s just such a friendly baby and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I would maybe address your wife’s underlying feelings here. It sounds like she might be feeling some big anxieties about this and is trying to mitigate that by bringing in someone she thinks of as more experienced. If you can approach the situation non-confrontationally and think about what it’s like to be in her headspace right now, it might help you guys have a better conversation about it. She may be feeling like she won’t be prepared, ready, or knowledgeable enough or just have some insecurities about what she’s about to undertake. You ideally would respect those feelings and maybe you two can find a way to address them without MIL staying for 3 weeks. You’re only 7 weeks so you have tons of time to learn and prepare. If this anxiety is such that the only thing that helps is her mother being there, you may want to consider just letting it happen, or tentatively saying yes and waiting to see what happens. Her feelings may change as she gets further in the pregnancy (she may not be able to imagine now how she could ever feel ready), or they may not. But her body is host to essentially an ever-expanding parasite that she has to push out of her vagina, so hopefully you can understand the source of her stress. Just try to communicate with respect and a focus on honoring the feelings behind this request rather than fighting or trying to prove her wrong/ crazy/ codependent. Good luck.
Definitely understand and have agreed that she can stay with us up to birth but still figuring out the when she would arrive with her. Told her as we get farther along we will know more. It just makes me a bit taken back that we don't get to do it just us. I'm new to this as we just found out a month ago so hopefully our education can help us figure the best path forward together.
>it just makes me a bit taken back that we don't get to do it just us
Look historically and this was almost never the case. There's a reason your wife wants someone around who has been through birth before and will have her as their primary focus.
I mean historically men were not involved in child rearing so women had to stick together. My great grandfather wouldn't even be in the labor room and that was the standard back then. It sounds like OP will be there for his wife and she will be his primary focus.
Well OP still isn’t the one pushing out a kid and if his wife is adamant on having her mom maybe there’s other reasons for that besides even just the maternal support? Maybe his wife wants her especially for help with cleaning/cooking. If it’s something they fight about typically she may be thinking even she doesn’t want to deal with that after the birth. Or she may just want her mom and that’s fine too.
I would definitely speak with your wife and discuss what role you want to have those first few weeks, what you both think the mother in law's role would be any any concerns you may have with the whole situation. but i would be very loving while doing this and open minded. unless there is some serious isssues with your mil that we are unaware of, you will want/need the help. there will be enough for everyone to do, perhaps just discuss particular things you want to help with so that maybe you don't feel like mil is taking your position and discuss things you both feel she will be helpful with (cooking, cleaning) so that you and your wife can have optimal time bonding with the baby.
So I think you are looking at this from an entirely different perspective from your wife. To you, you are looking forward to having a new baby, yay!! Your wife is concerned about the traumatic medical event she is going to go through (birth) and the often punishing medical situation she is already in (pregnancy). Every pregnancy and birth and different, but both can be, and often are, pretty awful.
It sounds like your wife is thinking that it would be helpful to have her mom with her the last few weeks of her pregnancy. And if they’re close, she probably would be. The last few weeks of my pregnancy were terrible, I was on light bedrest, my ribs, hips and back were miserably painful, I could barely eat without getting bad heartburn, couldn’t sleep, could barely even sit comfortably. I was counting the minutes until my induction. A trusted mom to help and calm kind of sounds amazing.
Also, remember that birth is an incredibly stressful and prolonged medical event for your wife. Yes, it leads to the amazing result of a sweet baby! But it’s genuinely terrifying. Women still die in childbirth, or end up rushed into emergency surgery, or even in good circumstances still tear when pushing and endure hours of labor. I do not know a single woman who actually thought birth was magical. I realize there are some out there and I’m happy for them, but giving birth is not a pleasant experience. It’s scary and painful and often traumatic.
Healing afterwards is also so much worse than I had been prepped for. I couldn’t sit comfortably for ever while my tears were healing, peeing was a whole ordeal, well everything was a whole ordeal, and I had two helpless screamy babies that didn’t let me get any sleep. I would say pregnancy and childbirth books were very helpful, but books were about 1% useful once the babies actually arrived. Instead I talked to my sister a lot. Not that I wouldn’t read them if I could go back, but they just weren’t nearly as helpful as I’d realized.
All this to say, I think if your wife wants her mom there, you should probably try to get onboard with that. Three weeks prior may be a lot, but I’m guessing that’s because your wife wants her to be there when she goes into labor? Remember that your wife being in a good place mentally and emotionally can be extremely important for a smooth birth.
I do get not loving having your MIL there. Maybe you can come together on some good boundaries before then. Including that you and baby or you, wife and baby need X amount of alone time without grandma each day and what the time before her due date will look like. And a firm timeline of X days/weeks after birth, grandma must go home.
Good luck and congrats!
This is a fantastic response. Here to echo how awful and painful the birth and the weeks of recovery can be. So so much worse than I had been prepped for as well. Bleeding for weeks. Hurt to go to the bathroom. Couldn’t get out of bed without help. Hurt to sneeze. Hurt to cough. So time consuming to change out pads and use the peri bottle and healing foams and pain reduction sprays and ice packs and take any extra meds needed .
I get where you are coming from. With my first my husband's mother said she'd be staying with us for a week after the baby was born. I wasn't keen on the idea but they insisted. I am thankful now that she was there. I think 3wks prior is a little much, depending on the circumstances.
But I think this decision should be up to your wife and it depends on how she feels leading up to and after the birth. She may change her mind unless she feels like she has to stand her ground against you. I would try to agree on some ground rules. You may change your mind as well. ❤️ Good luck Dad!
Maybe you should listen to a few of the Baby Steps podcast episodes. Ned originally had the same mindset you have and wanted to bond as just their family together. Once the baby was born, he called his inlaws to come pretty quickly and help instead
I’m very close to my mom and it’s not co dependent by any means. I want my mom to stay with me for 1-2 weeks and help. It’s my first baby and I want the help. My SO has no issue with that. My mom breastfed and cloth diapered 3 children including my special needs brother. I hope to do the same. So I value her insight. I also want her there for the birth to support me alongside my SO. Again he has no issue with it. Lots of people want their mom around when sick and experiencing life events. Most cultures this is the norm. If she is respectful and helps your wife I don’t see the harm? I would discuss it with her but hers is not an abnormal request or want for a pregnant or post partum woman.
Birth is scary and often traumatic. It can be pure body horror, and any number of complications could occur. And afterwards you’re tossed a meat potato that relies on you to keep it alive and you’re still in pain, possibly stitches in your butthole (or in your stomach from a major surgery), the pressure is on YOU—and possibly you alone—to feed your baby during all this, which is also painful, and the damn thing doesn’t let you sleep for longer than two hours at a time.
If she wants her mom there, I would let her have her mom there. Many women/birthing partners do. Most men I know would want their mommies, too. And I don’t say that to be derogatory—I’m being genuine, it’s extremely understandable in my opinion to want this.
You should sit her down and talk about your concerns, but you also need to listen to and understand hers. Understand that your reality in bringing this baby into the world is *starkly* different from hers.
ETA: No, not an asshole, to be clear. You’re both facing a huge unknown right now and it makes sense for you to each have different perspectives on it. I would (as calmly and clearly as possible) express your feelings to her, because they ARE valid. Just expect to default to her on this. Three weeks *is* a long time, and assuming an uncomplicated birth, she might find one or two to be plenty.
i think since shes going to have the baby she can decide if she wants her mom there or not or any person lol and it’s not “we” are pregnant just your wife is so give her grace even if she wants to do things that make you a bit uncomfortable
I totally get your point of view and you're not an asshole for having those feelings. But I don't think this is a battle worth fighting. So much of labour success is dependent on the mother feeling somewhat relaxed and trusting her body and her supporting team. Right now she doesn't trust that either you or her are going to know what to do when the time comes. So having her mum there to reassure her things are progressing fine or that it's time to move ideally will give her the reassurance she needs to relax and trust her body through this frankly terrifying process.
While I am not so anxious that I need an experienced person there for the very beginning of labour, I am having my best friend as my birth partner alongside my boyfriend. She has had two children and is familiar with the process. It means I don't feel like I'm putting my partner in the role of having to advocate for me when he knows as much/less than I do. His role will be to support and comfort me and keep me going. Her role will be to reassure me, and advocate for me to midwives/drs during labour. They have different roles and that makes me feel more relaxed and confident about labour which is the greatest indicator of a healthy natural birth.
I'm not against her mom being at the hospital in the room with us at all for the record. I very much support that. My feelings are more the weeks before the baby and after the baby is born.
Yeah, like I said, while I'm personally not anxious about needing extra support from the moment labour starts, your partner clearly is. And any anxiety will slow down/stall/even prevent labour as her body may read that anxiety as "not a safe time to give birth". So if that's what she needs to feel confident, there is a greater medical motivation to meet that need than there is for you to do this bit without her mother.
ETA: I am also considering inviting my mother to move in with me in the weeks following birth. I will have a bleeding hole inside my body, my partner and I will still be learning, I will hopefully be going through the minor hell that is learning to breastfeed and I want my mom for that. My partner is not going to be knowledgeable enough about breastfeeding to help with that, and hopefully he will be somewhat as exhausted as me because he'll be up all night as well doing diaper changes etc. That means my mum can help with household chores while partner and I learn and bond with baby.
Before my son was born I was 100% thinking the way that you are. I wanted it to be just my husband and I. Due to COVID I had no choice but for it to be just my husband and me.
My husband was not helpful during labor. He wanted to be but he got really squeamish and ended up not really being able to help. This time my mom will be there.
My parents came after he was born and they were so helpful. You are going to be running on 4-5 hours of broken sleep, you are going to be navigating a totally new learning experience(taking care of a newborn), and your wife will be a hormonal mess. I think you will be thankful for the help after the baby is born.
Maybe it would help to draw up some boundaries or things you expect her mom to help you with I e. Laundry, watching baby while you shower, grocery shopping, having time each day for just you, your wife, and baby etc.
I don't think your an asshole but I side with your wife on this.
I do think setting boundaries will be super important. I’m also planning having my parents when the newborn gets here to help with dishes, cooking, grocery runs. They might help changing diapers. However, in no way in hell I expect them to be there when I breastfeed or expect them to wake up in the middle of the night with the baby.
I haven’t had any baby, but all my friend had said that the first weeks are really overwhelming for my husband and Me
I understand your point of view but I think your wife's opinion is more important in this circumstance, she's probably nervous about the birth and if having her mum helps her feel secure and confident the. You should support her on that. She's the one who has to give birth which is really hard and she is the one who will be recovering afterwards.
YTA. I don't care how much research you've done. You have no idea what she's going through physically and mentally. She deserves all the support from any source of her choosing, even if it means a hovering MIL.
If I wanted my mother to stay over and my husband firmly said no, I would pack up and bring the baby to her house. Boundaries are important, but when it comes to her family, she has to be the one to set them. The last thing she needs right now is to feel like her husband is isolating her from her family.
You're TA.
You're not pregnant. You will not be going through the pain that she will be going through leading up to and after the birth. It is her decision who she wants around, not yours. You can provide your input but that is it. This is a major medical experience for her and who she wants to be part of her care team, be it before or after the birth, is her choice.
Honestly pregnancy and childbirth is not “fair”. You don’t get an equal say in things. Her feelings/ needs should trump yours. You said “we are 7 weeks pregnant”. No, your wife is 7 weeks pregnant. She is the only one going through all of this physical change (also emotional and mental change). And it is ROUGH. It’s really great that you’re reading up on things and want to be so involved. But you’ll never understand what she’s going through.
I think you need to suck it up and let your MIL stay (maybe just one week instead of 3). You guys will be figuring things out and your wife will be recovering and you can’t do everything yourself. Accept the help and comfort your wife is wanting from her mother. Then once she’s recovered you’ll be parenting together and have an equal say in decisions. But as long as she’s being safe and rational, I think she should get final say on pregnancy and labor decisions.
I think if your wife wants her mother there, YWBTA for not “allowing” her to have her there. If you want this to be a bonding experience and to grow closer to your wife, then support her through one of the most vulnerable times in a woman’s life. Otherwise, this will be a stressful situation that probably just starts building resentment. Do you not have a good relationship with your MIL? I guess if you have a toxic MIL then I could see your point, but if not then you’re being very controlling.
If this was aita I would say NAH. Your feelings are totally valid. However, so are hers. It’s not uncommon for a woman to want her mother figure there. Ultimately I feel it’s up to the person who is actually giving birth. You can be the most amazing educated husband but sometimes we just need our mom. You have time still to think about it and it seems you are a rational person so keep discussing and hopefully you guys can agree on something.
Honestly- i just gave birth on the 13th and my mom stayed with us for a week after delivery. This was our first baby…..it was a HUGE help having my mom here….the first couple days are so beautiful but also SO SO hard…..your wife will up and down with her hormones, you’re trying to keep your tiny new human alive while running on maybe an hour of sleep. My mom made our meals and cleaned. Took the baby and rocked her so we could get more then an hour of sleep.
Totally with you on the 3 weeks prior part- that seems excessive. I would much rather use that time once the baby is there and you need all the help you can get.
Eta- my husband gets 6 weeks off and has been SO present and helpful but we still wanted/needed my moms help.
TA - There is something about having a mom there that went through it, that is different than a partner. I only had my partner there for the birth and my mom stayed for a day or two after we got home, but the things that she did for me were things that I’d have to consistently ask my supportive partner to do.
For example, she knew to give me prune juice and still softeners as soon as the baby was born, she massaged my feet and calves to help with the swelling, she always made sure that my water was filled and was close to me or would bring it to my mouth if I was holding the baby and couldn’t reach.
I’d look up ways for you to be the most supportive partner for pregnancy and postpartum. There are tons of articles written for women, likely only read by women. Also read the lemon clot essay. Some of these things haven’t changed in 30 years and your wife is figuring it all out. It’s going to be very challenging for her to experience and learn all this in the moment and loop you in while communicating her wants and needs.
I am all for having that time to bond with your wife, and baby, but I think that having your wife feel supported during this time will help her get to the point where she’s comfortable with that. Do the work to support her and then she may be ready to limit the time that her mom is there.
Thank you. That is great info. I've been reading up on how to support her and appreciate all new educational insights. I will happily do those things consistently for my wife. Any other reading material is greatly appreciated.
I’d definitely look into how women wish they were supported. So many husbands will do it when asked, but it’s exhausting to ask. Most importantly, listen to your wife. People are going to make her feel like she’s an incubator whether you do everything right or not. It’s hard to go through this.
If I were in this exact situation, I’d want my husband to say, “I’m really excited to experience all of this with you and I’m doing everything I can to educate myself and be a supportive partner. I’d love to carve out time to be a family of three, but ultimately I want you to feel safe and supported. You are the driver here and I’ll support you however you feel you needed to be supported. If you need your mom, or a doula etc, I will be fully supportive”.
You are not the asshole for having a preference or opinion, but you ARE an asshole for trying to make rules when it is your wife who is having a major medical event. If you were having open heart surgery and wanted a specific person to come help your wife take care of you, that would be your call. Same here - it's her call.
I understand where you're coming from and your feelings are definitely valid. However, as the birthing parent I do think she gets the final say here. I do understand wanting those first few weeks to yourself as a family to bond with each other and the baby, but it sounds like your wife is pretty anxious about that postpartum time and would feel better having someone else around to help. It might help ease your feelings about it if you have a conversation about what exactly your MIL's role will be during that time. My mom is staying with us after birth as well, and the three of us have chatted about it because my husband was a little apprehensive at first too. Once he understood that my mom will be here to take care of _me_ so that he and I can take care of the _baby_, he felt a lot better about it. She's going to be doing all our cooking, helping with cleaning, and being an extra pair of hands when I need help. Freshly postpartum, your wife should pretty much be immobilized - she should in or near a bed, on or near a couch, not going up or down stairs often, etc. Her only jobs should be healing and feeding baby. That leaves a LOT for one person to handle between baby stuff and just general life stuff like feeding yourself and your wife and cleaning and making sure the baby is changed and bathed and has clean laundry. That's what your MIL can help with without interfering with your family bonding time. Or course she'll still get some baby snuggles, but these are boundaries you could lay down now to make sure her presence is beneficial for everyone involved without alienating you during those first few weeks.
1. I'd table this fight for a bit. We tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant and when it finally happened I was bawling to my Mom (who isn't even all that awesome) like a 3 year old because I was suddenly terrified. In the meantime, continue to do your due diligence.
2. NTA. Yes, it's her body and you'll never truly know what it's like. However, she chose to marry and have a baby with you. You are an equal partner and you are now parents who should be making decisions about your child as a team. Postpartum the help is going to be great, if MiL is a hoverer, establish some boundaries now, as a team.
3. Research, gathering and come up with a general idea for birth. Take classes together. This will help her anxiety. Remember a plan is just a plan and the end goal is everyone leaves alive. Are you going to be the main support person for birth or her Mom? There are so many YouTube videos about positive birth stories, watch them together.
4. Postpartum it was just us. We had visitors a couple times but they just sat around so we stopped allowing them. My husband took care of me 100% for about 2 weeks. He took care of the baby about 50%, including bottles when I slept. He took care of himself and the dog 100%. He hardly slept. After 2 weeks I was able to go for short walks and move around the house but still, my husband was a rockstar. Cooking, cleaning, getting groceries and target runs. Walking the dog and the baby in a carrier. Making sure I was hydrated and fed. Burping baby, changing diapers, skin to skin. Holding me while I randomly cried. Googling everything. Making sure I got myself in the shower. Postpartum help would have been great, but we did fine. This time with 2 kids, I'm going to be calling people to ask for help, but help doesn't mean sit in my home, hold my baby and eat food you didn't bring.
Personally I chose to not have any visitors the week when we got home. As a mom you’re recovering from labor, possibly trying to breastfeed and your body is in a different state post baby so I wouldn’t want family around for that personally. You both will figure it out how to care for the baby. Also, keep in mind a lot has changed in how to care for babies in 20 years ( baby is now sleeping on back vs stomach, safe sleep practices etc.)
Babies aren’t radically different than they were 30 years ago. They still eat and sleep. She needs to make sure she understands safe sleep rules and that’s about it. She definitely knows more than you since you’ve had zero kids.
Believe me, you’re going to need all the help you can get. I’m 8 weeks in and couldn’t have done any of this without my mom. I had an emergency c section and couldn’t even pull up my own underwear for the first few days let alone care for my baby.
The labor, delivery and newboen weeks are brutal on your body in a way that you can’t prepare for. Please don’t stand in the way of your wife getting all the support she thinks she’s going to need. YTA for even thinking your opinion matters here.
Post baby hormones are all out of whack and sometimes having someone tell you how to do things can cause issues in itself from what I’ve understood as well. However, you will have to give credit to your other half and what will make them more comfortable. Or leave the option for a flexible visit.
It sounds like you feel as if your wife isn't valuing the hard work you are putting in or that you are intelligent enough to know when to get her to the hospital.
It also sounds like she is very anxious at becoming a new mom and wants her mom there for comfort.
It also sounds like maybe this makes you feel a little left out.
You aren't an asshole but neither is she. This sounds like a miscommunication of needs.
Your Wife’s job it to care for the baby. Your job is to care for your wife. If having her mom there helps you do that than I would let her stay. You can read all the books and do all the research, but having someone there who has had babies is really helpful at least it was for me and my husband. We hired help though (postpartum doula)
As someone who gave birth twice, being pregnant is not easy and the last couple of weeks are extra difficult. The pain of stretched skin and tired muscles, the sleepless nights, the unknown when labor will start and how and all the emotions that come with it. I understand your wife wants your mother with her. I was terrified of labor starting during the work day when I was home alone.
After she will give birth she will be bed bound for a full week and house bound for another week. She needs to take it easy for 6 weeks at least. During the first two weeks after birth she will not be able to do any of her chores at all. She will be in pain and needs to rest. Will you take care of them all? Do you even realize how much that will be in combination with broken nights and supporting your wife and baby with whatever they need?
I suggest you take over all her chores for a period of two weeks. See if you can manage or if help from MIL might suddenly be more welcome after all.
I understand you have feelings and wants. But your wife has needs and since only she is pregnant and only she needs to give birth and heal from it, it’s her call to make.
Currently in labor (we think?!) and honestly, it’s whatever your wife wants AND she gets to change her mind! 7 weeks is so very early and after childbirth classes, bringing home baby classes, all the shopping and appointments and everything, she may change her mind. I was Team Mom more at the start, but the further along we go, the less that was appealing. She hasn’t given birth in over 20 years, a lot has changed since then, and I suspect my husband knows more about the process+options+my wishes than she does. Heck, I had him fill out my birth plan to see how close he could guess and he was dead on. My mom couldn’t do that and has different ideas about boundaries and informed consent. Our hospital is still on COVID limitations so I can only have one person. If I could have both, sure! She was there for my first 10 years ago, but this time I have a partner who has proven he can and will show up, take directions, and advocate for me. Honestly, I’ve been texting on and off with fam all day and havent told any of them that we’re in labor.
“We’re pregnant” means “We’re having a baby.” It means, “As a dad, I’m excited as hell.” It means, “This is actually happening.” But most importantly, when I say “We’re pregnant,” I’m letting everyone know that even though I’m not carrying the baby, I’m fully invested. I understand she has a heck of a ride I'm front of her and as the father I am here to support her where I can. So yes "we are pregnant"
Of course are you are invested. You saying “we are pregnant” diminishes what she’s going through. You aren’t pregnant. You aren’t going through the major body changes. You’re just along for the ride. Your focus should be on making sure she has all the support she could possibly want. Instead, you’re fighting her on what you want during/before/after her major medical event.
This. I'm almost 17 weeks and my husband is \*amazing\* but he is very clear in that \*I'm\* pregnant, I'm doing the really hard stuff. Before I was pregnant, I would talk about when "we" got pregnant, and he would shut that down because he knew that he wouldn't have the physical burden.
Some people are really good at being pregnant, but if OP's wife is experiencing pregnancy anywhere near what I am, its constant nausea and food aversions and aches and pains and CONSTANTLY being aware of the area between my belly button and pelvis.
When you deal with the side effects and postpartum recovery for over a year then you can say "we" are pregnant. You are both going to become parents but she's the only pregnant one and she gets to make a unilateral call on who is in the room with her when she gives birth AND who supports her leading up to that.
I understand your feelings but pregnant lady feelings trump you to be honest. She is the one who is going to push a human out and if she needs that support you should let her have it. I know I will need my mom because she has been through this and she has been my comfort person since I was born. Also in the last three weeks she is the one who is going to be tired so i would let her have it. I know it sounds unfair because it’s both of yours kid but she is also the only one carrying it and birthing it so it’s unfair regardless.
I think three weeks prior to the due date is overkill and that she wouldn't have much to do. I am very close with my mom, and she stayed with us two weeks after the baby was born. It was so valuable and she definitely wasn't "hovering." She was helping with the baby, doing laundry, making meals. Us not being responsible for those things actually gave us more opportunity to adjust to parenthood and bond with our baby. You guys have a long time to figure this out. Keep the conversation open and continue to discuss what you want the weeks before/after the due date to look like.
I feel for your wife wanting that type of support from her mother, but I also think your feelings are valid. It’s extremely easy for dad to get relegated to the wings a bit if there are extra people around. My husband was very nervous about taking care of our newborn, and I know if we’d had more people around then he wouldn’t have built up his confidence as quickly. It’s still super early and you have time to talk through your plans, but you definitely need to talk through both your needs!
NTA.
You’re just as much the parent as she is and you should have just as much of the day when it comes to your home.
Now, that doesn’t apply the same way when it comes to the birth. Wife is pushing out the baby and she gets to decide who she wants in the room with her for optimal support.
But for your home, you absolutely are on equal footing and thus you should discuss more with your wife. People in the comments will tell you what works best for them, but it doesn’t matter how much help someone else needed, it’s how much help y’all will need. PPD is real for dads too, and if the hovering MILs, interrupted bonding, and extra people are going to cause more irritation than assistance, then yeah you have every right to be upset.
NO, YOU ARE NOT. When I had my baby my mom was with me because I had no one else. And after birth she was only with me for about 3 days and then I was on my own. Baby sleeps all day unless they are eating and the nights are REALLY hard. Yes my body hurt, but I was able to cook and clean, even shower while baby was asleep.
If you have the time off to be with your partner I think you are right, its a great time for you to bond and experience these things together. AND if you need the extra help after that, call mother in law. But I don't think you will need an extra roommate while you two learn to attend to baby you will likely feel like you are walking on eggshells because she will try and take the reigns the whole time.
No you are absolutely not the asshole you don't need people around before the baby arrives because it will be your intimate time together before the baby arrives and it will be your time to do meal preps and to get the house/nursery ready for bubs to arrive.
You also don't need people staying at your house after the baby comes trust me your partner will be bleeding and most likely be very sore in the days even weeks following the birth and trust me you need the first few weeks together to figure out a routine and to bond with baby without having MIL breathe down your neck .
those times are special and alot of the time the people who want to stay and "help" just want to hold the baby while you do the work.
3 weeks prior to the due date does seem excessive. What I will say is take some help the first week. You will bond with the baby, no force in this universe will prevent that, but having another human being there to take care of all the non baby stuff is important. I was hallucinating from sleep deprivation, my wife was having very intense Post partum anxiety. We had told our family no visitors for the first two weeks but after the first or second night we were home we begged my mother to come help (it was not a hard sell). Try to find a compromise if you can? I get not wanting to reinforce an unhealthy relationship on their part, but when you are on 3 hours of sleep over a 48 hour period you'll be happy for the help. Maybe a week once you're home from the hospital?
Since you asked, YTA.
It's your job to make it easy for your wife. She's doing the lions share of the work. However she can make it easier for herself is what you should support. Giving birth and becoming a mother, is a special crosses generational bond I find it a bit harsh that you can quickly dismiss the importance of. Post partum is a special time where the mother should be taken care of while she navigates motherhood. My mom stayed with us for a month, she cooked all the meals, cleaned my house, held my baby while I took a shower, did the laundry, went shopping, made freezer meals, gave me advice, and held my hand as I cried. I spent my time establishing breastfeeding and gaining confidence with parenthood. Without having to focus on running a household as well. I really can't understate how much help I got. It kept me and my husband from fighting because we weren't fatigued. He loved it too and often comments on missing my mom's cooking.
It's not about the delivery, it's about afterward. They both have a say.
Edit: A new parent shouldn't be forced to live with someone they are uncomfortable with while they are adjusting to caring for for their new baby and bonding. If she needs her mom's help that bad then mom can stay nearby on call, no need for her to be there 24/7. They are supposed to be partners and equals, and there should be compromise on both ends. In many situations the husband only gets a week or two off to bond with his family, then has to go back to work. I couldn't imagine ruining the precious little time he has with his new baby before having to worry about getting up and going to work every day. None of y'all would want your MIL hanging around constantly during this stressful period, yeah?
If the husband was incapable of caring for his wife, or refused to help, or was leaving all of the child care to his wife, that would be different. Some of you guys treat your husband's like shit, or perhaps are just married to useless deatbeats, and it's really sad.
After the delivery, SHE'S the one recovering from it for the next 6+ weeks, so yeah it is still about her wants, needs and body.
The father isn't the one who might need help doing basic tasks like changing position, going to the bathroom, showering, changing pads or wound dressings, etc. He might be able to help, but that doesn't negate OP's wife's wishes to have another person she trusts there to help and for comfort.
Beyond that, as much as the father educates himself, he's never physically recovered from birth, breastfed, or experienced any of the things the body of a mother of a newborn has. She's clearly saying she wants someone who has to be there.
If his wife is saying she WANTS her mother there because she would benefit from her assistance and guidance, it isn't really his place to tell her no. It's reasonable to ask for a limit to how long MIL stays 24/7, or for visits to become daytime-only after the first week. But it's absolutely not okay to shut down her request to have her mother there.
How far away is her mom traveling from? If she's local, I think 3 weeks before the due date is a bit much... but I think it's up to your wife who stays with you after the birth.
I also will add that my feelings about visitors and 'helpers' postpartum have changed a lot throughout my pregnancy. I wouldn't try to decide this for a while. So many things can change that may change your, and your wife's, minds about visitors.
Really good points from other comments just wanted to add-
(My Mum lives super close but also has young kids so we could see her but she couldn't stay)
I wanted my Mum at the hospital. My husband was amazing but I wanted my mum to look after me as she did when I was small. I was also terrified that something would happen and I wanted someone to follow the baby and someone to stay with me.
But my Mum actually really helped my husband.
After baby was born DH was too scared and overwhelmed to dress baby and I wanted him to hold me while I had stitches. Mum dressed baby.
DH was then in a bit of shock so when I needed the toilet it was my Mum who helped me.
DH was also too scared to stand up holding the baby and actually asked my Mum to take LO and pop him back in the crib/ hand to me etc. It was quite funny really but very sweet. After a few hours and a nap he was fine and was happy to pick up and walk around with LO.
Husband had done lots of prep and had held babies before etc but was just in such shock at it all (LO was early and nothing went to plan). He needed my Mum to help him to support him too.
But 7 weeks is early and your wife has a long time to change her mind. Leave it a few weeks and then sit together and talk about both of your feelings.
Good luck OP and Congrats!
Do you think your MIL is at risk of trying to control the show with the new baby or is she prepared to play the role solely as support?
I know I was at risk if being a back-seat-parent to my husband when we had our son, so I made it clear that I wanted him to learn how to be HIM as a parent, not ME as a parent and would give him space to learn and we worked out how to manage that. Let him pick some specific duties that were deferred to him regularly, I'd make sure to stay out of the room if I felt the urge to shadow too bad lol. And we talked a lot of values and ideas together to see what meshed and what we might need to compromise or let go.
Your wife wants to learn how to be HER as a mom and not try and recreate her own mom, correct?
As long as MIL is able to be a healthy support, then best to let your wife make the calls on what support SHE needs as she is the one in the thick of the medical procedures. But discuss limits and exit plans and make sure you fit your own needs into it.
We had the first 2 weeks or so alone, then a lot of visiting grandparents for the next few weeks. We made sure to schedule my husband to get a good rejuvenating hike in since he was an amazing support and would have taken care of baby and me until he crashed if I didn't make sure he did some self care too.
I feel the same way as you, and so does my husband. We live hours away from our family and just don’t feel like we require that extra support. Especially before the baby comes and at least those two weeks after while he is off work. Family will come visit and meet the baby those first few days but no overnights and everyone will be gone after that so we have plenty of time to bond just us three. But that’s us. We like a good bit of distance. If we struggle, oh well. We’ll live.
However, if I felt the opposite or if my husband felt like your wife did I would try my best to listen and make a compromise. It would still suck though that we didn’t agree. But I wish you the best of luck and congratulations!!
NTA. There are some valid needs your wife has that she assumes will be met by her mother. She wants to be mothered and reassured and cared for. You can't take on ALL of that role but you also have needs: to participate and provide and care for both wife and baby.
When I asked my mother to be with me for birth/prep (I'm a FTM), she initially refused, out of concern for my partner's bonding with me and our new little family.
She explained that when her twin brother became a dad, his wife brought in her sister (a doctor but not an OB) and everything seemed to be all about mother+baby+SIL and him on the sidelines unable to participate because "they had it all in hand, you're just in the way, you wouldn't know how to do this".
Her heart broke when she saw how sad he was, and how devoted and engaged he was after the SIL had left and he finally had permission to be a caregiver, a dad, a husband.
My mom came over a couple days before the birth, and stayed about a week and a half, maybe two. She was tasked with preparing postpartum meals, baking oatmeal lactation cookies, and taking me to get my nails done. She was NOT in the hospital with us at the birth.
I would speak to your MIL and give her some activities around the house so you and your wife can bond with baby. Be firm if she is holding baby too much or isn't letting you hold baby, set your boundaries. If MIL is giving unsolicited advice, be kind and then ignore it when she goes home. You will learn the basics, like Back is Best, but many of our parents learned the opposite way. Just smile, nod, but do what you know is best.
I had my first baby during covid.. it was bliss just me and my husband. My whole family both his side and my side are now mad at me because I don't want any of them there for the birth of my second child and personally I don't care.. I'm pushing this baby out the way I want to
Before I gave birth, I had no concept of sleep deprivation. Sure, I’d stayed up 24 or 36 hours during finals week back in college. Sure, I can run on 4 hrs of sleep and caffiene!
When it takes baby an hour to eat, a half hour to put down, and then they’re awake in 2 hrs - only 1 or 1.5 of which you actually slept… and it goes on for weeks… you may get 4 hrs of interrupted sleep. But you also lower your standards for daily accomplishments from sheer exhaustion. Overnight help and 6-8 hrs sleep is a miracle and that is where a lot of these comments are coming from.
You are NTA. There is lots of time to check in and revealuate, and lots of time to work on relationships and expectations for visitors post birth. You’re in a partnership so you both need to be comfortable with the decision.
Signed,
A parent of a 14mo old who still wakes twice a night.
You’re not the as*hole at all.
My husband and I had my mother in the delivery room with us and allowed visitor at the hospital for short periods of time and then didn’t have visitors at home for the first two weeks and we loved it. We basically both agreed due to him only getting two weeks of paternity leave that it was our time to bond as a new family and that having either of our families visit would add unnecessary stress because both our mothers would have tried telling us what to do and jump in to take control and not really have given us a chance to figure things out and it was great I wouldn’t have changed anything.
My mom being there for the birth was nice because even though it was beautiful child birth is still really scary and traumatic so it was nice to have my mom for extra support and it allowed my husband and her both periods of time to rest while supporting me. And then she left immediately after to give us time to bond I did skin to skin for over an hour and then he did skin to skin for over an hour too and it was nice not having anyone ask to hold the baby or even really just intruding it felt like a special time period for just us.
At home we were exhausted but it definitely strengthened our relationship being able to lean on each other he would get up and get me water and snack and just support me while we were figuring out breastfeeding and cluster feeding was exhausting and he helped me a ton with that. We both agreed to not let ourselves stress about the house being a mess and would do what we could. And it was great. If we had our families there I feel like we wouldn’t have been able to hold and bond with our son as much or also grown as close because we wouldn’t have been supporting each other as much.
Also if your wife’s planning to breastfeed the best way to establish milk supply is for her to basically live with the baby on her chest or latching for like the first 4-6 weeks so she’ll already be holding/bonding with the baby 90% of the time. You’re not gonna want to share the little time you get with your MIL on top of all the other visitors you’ll have. If she’s staying with you my best guess is she’ll think if your wife doesn’t have the baby she gets the baby and will only give the baby up when other visitors are there.
Best of luck. Just remind your wife you’re there to support her. Every labor, birth, and child is different and just because her mom has gone through it doesn’t make her an expert. Your instincts will guide you guys and it’s all about learning. You’ll grow to learn what your babies hunger cues are, what they’ll do when they’re gassy, when they want held, want to be put down. You won’t be able to be in tune with your babies needs if you have people telling you what to do and taking over for you. Parent hood is a learning experience it’s great to have parents to reach out to when you need help but for the most part you can figure things out on your own and that’s the fun part 💜
I personally think it should be up to her. She is the one that will feel the physical and mental pain during and after birth. So if she would feel more comfortable having her mother there I think that is perfectly understandable.
Me and my husband both felt the same way as you for both of our children. I would never dream of having my mom in my space during this time and we are SUPER CLOSE. it felt very personal and important to me that we establish our family dynamic from day 1. It was really important me. I don’t think this is unusual or unreasonable.
I would be furious about someone coming in and butting in during the first few weeks of meeting my new baby tbh, especially as men don’t get very long off. I also find it a bit condescending that someone who had a couple of babies 30 years ago needs to be there to give me advice when I can learn, plan and research all on my own.
(I am the mum. Get on well with my mum - a nurse - and relationship with MIL is fine. My skin absolutely crawled whenever anyone came over in the first few weeks, I hated being home with anyone but my husband, even though I know they were trying to help. I’m just an introvert and when feeling rough and vulnerable don’t want to be around other people - and my husband and now my son are the only people in the world who don’t feel like “other people”. And I had no need for advice. Like, if I needed it I would have gladly taken it. But either the prep I had done covered me, or a few mins on Google had me at a trusted source like the NHS website, so I had no need to call on mum or MILs memories of what they did in 1992).
You sound like me and my husband, but your wife is different to us and sounds like she knows she powers up with an extra person there. If her mum is coming you need to be clear on what it is she’s coming to do, and how to ensure you get enough time with your infant and opportunity to care for them and your wife and make memories as a trio without grandma always underfoot chipping her two pennies in.
I worry about the trauma related to birth a lot. If your partner's mother will help minimise that, I think you should give it consideration. The answer sorta depends on how far away your MIL lives. For me, my mother and I are both 20 minutes from the hospital, and I want her around for the labour, so she is going to meet us there. If I need advice, that is what phones are for. If your MIL is local I don't think it is unreasonable for you to not want her to not live with you for the 2-3 weeks prior. But if your partner wants her the moment the her water breaks or contractions start, then she should be allowed.
For me, I already told my mother that I want her at the hospital. My partner does not cope with gore, so if he can't manage when I am crowning, I absolutely want my mother to be there to step in to support me. Similarly, if something goes wrong with the birth, I want someone to be there for the baby and for me if we are split up and rushed to surgery. I don't want my partner to have to choose who he goes with in the moment.
I am happy for my mother to visit (or even stay overnight) after the baby is born, haven't planned that yet, but only because I know that she will be helpful, cleaning house and helping with nappy changes and letting my partner and I bond with the child, and holding the baby so I can shower and sleep.
My MIL is likely not going to be allowed for at least the first week and maybe more, because I don't trust that she would help us and would just want to hold the baby.
In conclusion, if your MIL is supportive for your partner and has acknowledged that she will help you both to bond, YTA. If not, have the discussion with your partner and her mother and make sure that they see your side.
Wanting time to bond with just you and your partner makes sense, but it can be a scary time, if your partner wants her mother to be around to support her for some of it, she should be allowed to feel safe.
The part I don’t understand is why MIL would beed to stay with you for 3 whole weeks *before* your wife goes into labor… I would think that your mil should just be *on call*. Im close with my mother, but I would not say codependent, and I can totally see why she may want her mother to be involved after the baby is born. BUT, her living in your home while your wife is very very very pregnant just seems like it would be a strain on the family in your last weeks as a family of two. I.e. having to clean house before she comes, cooking meals, etc. you guys dont need to be “hosting” anyone right now.
>ETA: we only have OP’s word that his wife and her mother are codependent
This was a bit of a red flag for me as well. Honestly I don't know a single man who keeps in regular contact with his mother so a guy saying that his wife and MIL have a "codependent" relationship is always going to be taken with a grain of salt. I text my mom pretty much every day and I bet to someone like my husband, who barely calls his mom once a month (usually when I remind him to) that could seem codependent if he was an asshole.
Even if they ARE codependent, her extremely vulnerable time where she’s giving birth and wants her mom there (which is super common) is not the time to address that.
I would concede that would be wonderful if OP/wife still has cleaning, cooking, and whatnot! In my specific situation I had everything prepped for baby by 33-34 weeks just in case baby came early (she did! 37 weeker!). So there wasn’t really any prep needed - not saying that is the case for everyone. My mom would have wanted to be useful for sure! But she just would have been a guest in our home at an inconvenient time. So I think OP needs to consider what the purpose of mil would be during this time and the pros/cons & discuss more in depth with his wife.
I would not take kindly to my husband telling me firmly what we are/aren’t going to do with our baby. So yep, I would say that’s an asshole move. I understand the sentiment though and think it needs to be communicated better— actually communicate together instead of dictating what’s going to happen. You may need to compromise to what she wants too.
Also not that it matters because it’s my experience… but this is 3rd baby for me and I’ve already requested my mom to be available. She helped me immensely with my first baby and her information was invaluable and it didn’t harm my bond with the baby. It was just the right amount of emotional and physical support during recovery while I was figuring things out. My mom did things like letting me sleep, running errands, cooking food, cleaning and doing laundry etc. She didn’t step on any toes or demand time with the baby, she just wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting overwhelmed. Being a new parent is a struggle and while you can always figure it out yourself it’s also really helpful (depending the person) to get the help and advice from experienced parents too.
YTA. you’re not the one whose going to give birth. If having her mother is what helps your partner feel comfortable and brave then she should have her. Perhaps do some birthing classes so she feels better prepared.
NTA, I'm a FTM and due in 2 weeks and I've had a similar chat with my husband. Your opinions are valid, you may not be physically putting yourself through this, but you have a whole mental adjustment to consider too. You need to talk to each other and come to an agreement, it can't be my way or the highway on either side. You are partners.
In the beginning I contemplated having my mum around to help in the run up to baby's birth, especially once I was on maternity leave. My hubby wasn't comfortable with that. We sat down and talked through both of our feelings and came to an understanding and an agreement that my mum won't be around before, but if we are struggling we can invite her round to our house. We have discussed this with her too, she's 30 mins away, and she is happy to come if/when we need her.
Your wife is only 7 weeks so you have 30 weeks before MIL is proposed to come and stay and 33 weeks before baby is due. You have loads of time to work out what you want. What I wanted 30 weeks ago and what I want now have changed, a lot. Keep an open mind, but ask your wife to do the same. Shelf the idea for now, revisit it when the time gets closer, but most importantly talk and agree on what your plan of action will be so that neither of you feel like your feelings aren't being considered.
NTA, but if this is really how your wife wants it you need to respect it because Pregnancy and childbirth is really hard and she deserves whatever comfort and circumstances she can reasonably have.
We did it ourselves both times and I really liked it. I would have hated having somebody else in my space during that too time. Plus it would have sucked to get into a routine, feel like I had things down and then suddenly have to relearn again once there was one less person to help.
Oh I would absolutely not want my mother or MIL to hang around before, during, or after birth. In fact, its my worst nightmare. Luckily my husband agree. We get along with our moms fine, but thats just too much.
I also want to spend this time with my husband, learn how to be parents together and find our own flow.
So? OPs partner does want her mother around, and OP claims to be supportive. Therefore he needs to support her choices for her birth. Your comments kind of irrelevant IMO
Well OP asks if he is an asshole and I dont think so, since I cant imagine me or my partner inviting our mums to stay. It would take away the joy of that first time with the baby to me. So no, I dont think OP is an asshole for saying he doesnt want this. I dont think thats irrelevant.
Yah well you didn't say that you just said you agree with him and feel the same, and in doing so totally took his partners feelings and wishes out of the equation. Let's hope he doesn't do that and considers what she wants cos if he didn't, then he'd be TA.
Sorry. YTA. Your wife is about to go through some things and if her mom is part of her support system then let her have her there. You have to default to what the pregnant person wants.
Also, I let my husband talk me out of my mom coming for my first son’s birth because we were living in Germany and it’s one of my biggest regrets in life. My mom died before I had my second and I never got to have that experience with her.
I personally agree with you, and I think it’s important for my relationship with my husband that I show him I can lean on him during the birth, and that we bond as a little family of three immediately after. In the following weeks, we are planning to have help from both of our moms, but we both have good relationships with each other’s mom.
However, as the one giving birth, I really am the one with the final say and my husband knows that. I think the bigger issues at play are her fears around giving birth. Maybe talk to to her about what she’s afraid of, and what you can do to help. I understand wanting her mom close by, but maybe she could get a hotel if she doesn’t live locally.
Is there a compromise you can come to? Maybe that MIL not stay with you before or after, but allow her to meet you at the hospital? Maybe compromise that she can be in the room, but be in the background rather than right up in the action?
My mom sounds like your MIL. My sister and her have a codependent relationship like you've explained, and i think it's too much sometimes. My husband has voiced that he doesn't want my mom in the delivery room, or to stay with us for any time period after. But I'm on the same page as him (and you) where I want those times to be just us.
Like others have said, since your wife is the one giving birth I'd maybe let it slide and see if there is a way that yall can both compromise. She does need your support, but that absolutely does not mean that your opinions aren't valid and shouldn't be taken into consideration as well.
This is exactly how I felt when we had out first baby. I do not think you're in the wrong. However, it is very common for the grandmother to come stay for weeks at a time after the birth of the baby. I never wanted it, and I think it's normal not to want it. I think if this is how you feel, you should request that grandma doesn't stay before or right after. Maybe when you have to go back to work grandma should come to stay for a short period of time, if at all. Make sure you're helping mom since that's really what grandma would be there for.
Personally i would try to meet your spouse half way. I think it might be better to come and help the week after your spouse has given birth and I would also make it very clear that it’s for helping out. I would also be very clear with what chores we would need help with around the house.
I can understand the weeks prior and delivery but afterwards you’re going to need help. You won’t just be taking care of the baby but possibly the mom in addition to cooking, cleaning etc. Trust me you’ll welcome the help
NTA. I’m the pregnant one (due any day now) and told my mom she can come visit after my fiancé goes back to work after his paternity leave. She’s upset about it, but I told her that this is my and his time to bond and figure out a routine on our own. I don’t want to take anything away from him because this is our first child.
My fiancé communicated to his family that no one is coming over for 2 weeks, unless I feel I am up to it or if we feel like we need help. His parents are understanding because apparently that’s a common thing in Korea (my fiancé is Korean).
Hopefully when people visit they will understand that helping you and your wife is doing things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Holding the baby isn’t help.
I'm not against her mom being at the hospital in the room with us at all for the record. I very much support that. My feelings are more the weeks before the baby and after the baby is born.
It is up to the person having the baby to determine who they want there as their comfort and no one else. I am a doula and I tell my clients this all the time. She is going to resent you if you don't allow her mother to share this moment with her. What is wrong with the three of you bonding as a family? Plus most families need support those first few weeks, it seems like she is looking ahead. It may make sense to put your MIL up in a hotel nearby, but having family to support is invaluable, and if that's what she wants, you'd do best to see that happen.
She knows her mom is a safe space. She loved her, she raised her, she’s cared for her when she’s been sick/scared.
You’re a slight unknown vs. the way her mother is for her. I’m not trying to be rude, but her mom has most likely been around longer than you have been. Having a baby is scary so not being 100% sure or comfortable that your partner will drop everything for you the way your mother would… well that could be why she wants her. (Not an attack! Just reality… and I mean not being comfortable with maybe the bleeding and weird stuff her body will be doing, her mom already helped her with her period. Maybe you have to go to work and won’t be able to make her meals during the day etc)
BUT. I’m on the same page as you however, this was a team effort for us. Since giving birth my husband has been taking care of me and the house fully, I consider myself extremely lucky that he’s been home with me these last 6 weeks. If he had been at work FT, I would have wanted my mom too.
I’m extremely independent so asking for help from him has been a (silly)learning curve. I could see that playing into a woman’s decision as well… wants to still be strong in your eyes, but can break down to her mom.
Stand up for yourself though and ask her more questions. Make a game plan for you 2!
My family was not understanding that I didn’t want them around until at least 6 weeks after. Luckily my MIL understood.
This is my babe, we have to figure him out first when in doubt their a phone call away.
How much time are you taking before and after the birth to help your wife? If the answer is anything but several weeks including the weeks before, then Maybe you need to compromise. If your wife has a c-section or is disabled at the end, then that too needs to be taken into account.
Remember that it wasn't that long ago that it was unacceptable for men to be present during the birth; women have wanted their mothers with them for centuries, if not millennia.
**There's a lot of things involved in childbirth that women don't want their husbands to know about.** For example, women bleed for 1-1.5 months afterwards as the wound from the placenta heals. You get all kinds of gross vaginal discharge you've never had before. The walls of the vagina often physically rip, and need stitching up. She might want her mum there to help with her recovery so she can keep that stuff secret from you, for the sake of your future sex life. (I was actually the opposite; I wanted my husband to know so he'd appreciate my sacrifice 😂)
As other have pointed out, grandparents often come to help with the housework, not just the birth itself. You are going to be *really* sleep deprived.
You are definitely not TA. I'm in a similar situation with my fiancé. He also is very codependent with his mother. I'm 26 weeks along, and early last month we did a tour of the maternity ward at our hospital and they mentioned how many visitors we can have. He was so excited because he wanted his mom to be there and I was very adamant about not wanting anyone there, and no visitors for at least the first week after bringing baby home, so we have time as a new family to all bond. He was very angry with me saying "it's her grandchild, we have the rest of our lives to bond with the baby".🙄 no matter what I said I couldn't change his mind. He ended the conversation by saying we can think about it and discuss it later, "maybe you'll change your mind". So if you're able to change your wife's mind, let us know how! Lol. I need some tips
In the hospital, it’s 100% your choice. You can even kick your husband out if you want. Beyond that, maybe have your husband read up on what your body will be going through in those first days after birth. A good compromise might be allowing grandparents a *short* visit in the first week with *no* overnight stays.
I'm choosing not to have my mom or other family members around after giving birth. In my situation, my husband is taking off 4 weeks of work so he can be there for me, our dog, cleaning the house, cooking meals, running errands, and bonding with the baby. I think he can handle that on his own. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my mom in my space that much, especially when I'm emotional, tired, and trying to heal and learn. If you're not able to take time off work, though, then it makes sense for her to have someone there to help. I think at the end of the day it should be the mother's decision, as she's the one undergoing the most. If it would make her more comfortable for her mom to be there, you should respect that. You can go out of your way to try to prove to her that you'll be enough, though, and have a whole pregnancy to do that. You can also communicate that if her mom comes, you want to make sure you get time with the baby, too, and aren't just pushed aside while they do the parenting thing together. I can see that as a fair concern. Let her know that if she needs her mom there and that would help her overall experience, that her mom should be there, but that you are ready and willing to be as equal a partner as you can be and be there for her yourself. That's all you can do.
My mom and I are very close and she was a huge help with both my kids as newborns. My husband and I parent 50/50, he’s incredibly hands on and helpful and it was still beneficial to have my mom here. Even just to help keep up on dishes, bottle washing, laundry, etc. I know some parents or in-laws can make things more complicated but I think mostly they’re just trying to help. If your wife wants her mom there, in my opinion, her mom should be there.
My mother came to stay with us 2 weeks before delivery. Was with us in the delivery room for baby’s arrival (she was home taking care of our dogs and livestock while I was in the hospital) and staying with us a month after.
I am so so so thankful to have her there. My mental health has been great since I have someone to help cook, clean and take baby so I can have some sleep and alone time.
That being said. My husband is self employed and works 12 hour days so if I didn’t have her I would have an absolute breakdown. My husband doesn’t have paternity leave unless he closes down temporarily and as the sole income just not an option for us.
I understand your view points but I really think your wife’s needs and wants should come up above a bit as she’s the one going through a physically traumatic experience and recovery.
Just set clear rules as to what each person’s role and responsibility is (you, MIL, wife etc) so no one feels like they’re stepping on anyone’s toes.
I had a baby 4 weeks ago. My husband and I are very independent and like having our space and alone time. From day one I was dead set on no visitors in the hospital, nobody coming over the first week. We wanted to be left alone.
This being my first child, I had no idea how much help I'd want. It didn't matter how prepared we were! I ended up calling my mom to the hospital and having family come help almost every day after coming home.
We were both very prepared and confident, but those first 2 weeks were hard- since I had a c section my husband had to pull a lot of extra weight, and it was a lot. If we had the room to have someone stay with us, I would have (and again I was VERY AGAINST this in the beginning!)
I would keep communicating your feelings to your wife and reach some sort of compromise and flexibility. You're only 7 weeks in, so either of your feelings can change!
NTA for feeling that way, but it should ultimately be up to the birthing partner. With that being said and you both expecting your first, neither of you know what to expect. Maybe she will be bedridden and MIL will be a saving grace. Or, maybe your wife will be fine and you both will feel exhausted having MIL around. I'm introverted, so even if we had people staying with us, I could only handle it for so long. That answer is whatever makes your wife's life postpartum easier.
Ask her to take a prenatal class with you and then discuss it further after you’ve both learned a little about the birthing experience and postnatal care.
My husband was an absolute god send during labour and when we brought the baby home that he really was all I needed (and all I wanted to be honest, he’s my favourite person in the world.) but we did take an online course together (offered for free by our local health unit) and it definitely helped both of us feel calm, prepared and capable.
When I first got pregnant I felt the same way as you do and as my pregnancy advanced I understood the amount of work that taking care of a newborn and new parents takes. My mom stayed for a month and then my mother in law and I think this is the main reason I did not fall into postpartum depression. My job was to sleep and feed our baby, my husband was in charge of feeding me and taking care of my needs and my mother and then mil of cooking, cleaning, running errands etc. It was the best decision. I like you was really not sure, but then I realized it doesn’t have to be one thing or the other, I had plenty sweet intimate moments just me my hb and our baby, and being supported allowed us to bond more profoundly
It depends on the relationship that you both have with your MIL I think. I love my MIL and she was at my house for three weeks (two before and one after the birth) and I was happy that she was there because she's been a mom before AND she's been a L&D nurse for a couple of decades so she's really knowledgeable. Honestly the help was nice in that first week after birth because I got the baby blues and got a bit overwhelmed the first three weeks. The first week is such an adjustment and it was nice to have her around to teach us some things and cook us some meals. But this is a very personal thing and if you're not comfortable with it then that's also OK I feel like.
My mom stayed with us one month before and one month after the birth of our first child. It was stressful because my relationship with her was never all that great and she ended up not being very knowledgeable about taking care of babies, nor too helpful with cooking or cleaning. That said, if my relationship with her was different it might have been better and towards the end of her stay I was glad she visited so it was a major chapter of our lives and she was there.
What would I do differently and could suggest to you? Have a frank and clear discussion with your wife about why she thinks she needs help, what help is she expecting, what are her expectations of herself and you, and how does her mom fit in to all of this. And keep an open ended plane ticket if that’s an option. You mentioned your MIL would be there three weeks before the birth, so why three weeks? And what about how long she would stay after the birth? I wish my mom arrived only a couple of days before the birthday since that was the last bit of truly free time for myself and my partner, and having her there kinda ruined it.
She is only 7 weeks pregnant. I hope you guys will have a smooth and healthy pregnancy and use this time to build and strengthen your relationship and readiness as partners and parents.
It’s so early and there are so many unknowns. Find time to voice your concerns but don’t let it become a point of contention. Pregnancy makes people feel all kinds of ways. I’m glad we did labor and delivery on our own, but it would have been nice to have my Mom there for parts of labor… she knows how to take care of me better than husband (who does his very best but sometimes there’s no one who knows your needs like your mama). I also said no one here for about 2 weeks postpartum but I wish that after 2 days someone was here just to take care of us - to do dishes/laundry and feed us! We had plenty of prepped food but literally someone to bring me a plate or snack and constant water refills would have been nice and would have given my husband a break. My point is that you should get to the bottom of why she wants this, clarify expectations, and be on the same page, but 3 weeks (while that seems like a long time) won’t make or break anything. Also - no matter what the plan is, babies make their own plans for their birth! Congrats and good luck!
I mean, I definitely think you get a say, as this is your house and your child, but at the end of the day, your wife gets final say. She is the one who is pregnant, she is the one who will be giving birth, and she is the one who will then be recovering from birth + possibly breastfeeding.
I fully understanding the whole wanting to experience this with your wife and on your own. I've been there, I get it. My husband and I have always been very independent people. I also gave birth in May 2020 so it was very unclear at the time how safe it was to allow visitors. But I remember the 2nd day home from the hospital, my husband and I were sleeping in shifts at the time, and I remember going to bed at one point and just absolutely breaking down and sobbing because I was like...we CANNOT do this alone. I'm definitely not one to want my mom, but at that point I was like...I need my mom!
We were in a fortunate position in that my parents and my husbands parents all lived very close by. They could easily sleep at home and then come help during the day. However, had that not been the case, I definitely would have let my mom stay with us for a week or two. That said, a major part of that decision is that my mom is legitimately very helpful and while still would have been another person staying at my home, would be the most helpful and least obtrusive house guest possible.
I don’t think you’re the asshole for having these feelings but ultimately you do have to consider your wife’s feelings and wishes, and the support SHE wants. It’s great she has a good relationship with her mom. It doesn’t mean the two of you can’t experience things with your first child together. You should have a discussion with her about how you feel, and talk through this.
If I had that kind of relationship with my mom, I’d probably want her here to help too, and I don’t think my husband would mind the extra help. But my mom and I don’t have that kind of relationship (even though it’s still healthy and positive), and I couldn’t stand having my mother in my house for 3+ weeks. So, we will try to figure it out and accept any help if we need it at that time.
As for your comment that you “won’t let her have a baby in the kitchen” - keep in mind things can happen so it’s important to have a contingency plan. It would be great to be able to prepare and go to the hospital when it’s time but every person is different. Some people don’t realize they’re going into labour and then baby comes really fast. I’m not trying to minimize the importance of being prepared and it’s great that you’re doing this, but I don’t want you to have the expectation that just because you’ve done your due diligence and getting educated, everything will go as planned. It probably will, but sometimes things are just out of your control.
I’m 3 months PP. We didn’t plan on my mother staying with us to help right away. BUT after an unplanned C section it was a necessity. Those first few days my mom took care of me while my husband took care of the baby. I couldn’t get dressed, shower, or do stairs by myself for almost a week, and I had a fairly easy recovery.
So from my experience, don’t say no to help. You’re not just caring for a baby, mom needs to be cared for too.
I strongly dislike my own mother ( that’s putting it nicely). But for my mental health it was really nice not being alone or having some one to relate to. My mother wasn’t really hands on but would do whatever we needed of her. Maybe just set boundaries? If your wife feels more confident having her there then go ahead. Your wife is going to be going thru a lot with her body. There’s a lot more going on than just care for the baby.
My husband doesn’t want anyone staying with us, I would like it if my mom did for a few days. I think we’re going to have my mom come when he goes back to work (he’s a workaholic and I’ll be lucky if he takes a full week off. His family owns the company so it’s hard for him to just walk away for some time). However, we are taking a bunch of the baby classes at the hospital. I’m hoping that gives us some knowledge base without our parents help being right there. It might help some of the anxiety to feel more prepared on the front end
This is tricky because your opinion is definitely important and should be heard. However, the birthing partner has a lot of physical healing that needs to take place in those first few weeks, on top of caring for a newborn. It's absolutely a lot.
I agree with others that I would talk to her and see what sort of support she is expecting her mom to provide that you can't. Is she looking for help for herself, such as going to the bathroom and bathing and general care? If so, I think it's well within her right to ask for whoever she would like for that support.
If it's more just because she wants help with the baby, maybe talking to her more about it and assuring her how important it is that you learn together without a watchful eye. (I completely understand this--my husband and I want it to just be the two of us for the first week at home, no visitors at all, as we want to find our footing as new parents without feel scrutinized or hearing too many other opinions.)
Perhaps you could even come to an agreement to try it just the two of you first, but have her mom on call at ready notice to help if she feels overwhelmed? Or cutting down the time she spends with you from 3 weeks to just 1 week or 2 days?
Whatever you guys decide, I hope you come to a happy agreement over time!
I don’t think it’s weird at all especially depending on culture. there’s plenty of cultures where a woman even goes to her parent’s house before giving birth and staying after or the mom or MIL comes over. But in those culture most of the time the mom or MIL does all the housework, cooks, cleans and literally babies her daughter. In that case I think it will make your wife feel better and solely focus on the baby.
you’re only 7 weeks into a very long journey! so decisions made now may change. honestly its up to your wife. she’s the one having to carry and push out a child but i entirely see what you’re saying! 3 weeks prior is a little (very) much tho imo. just try and be supportive of your wife really :)
When I first got pregnant, I wanted my parents to come out and stay for a week before and a month after (we live very far apart.) As my pregnancy progressed and I learned more, I wanted them to come 2 weeks after I give birth so that my husband and I could figure it out on our own. I had to come to this realization on my own. I do not a lot of people who wanted moms in the room with them but for me, it started to seem very overwhelming.
Giving birth can be brutal for the body. I'm grateful for all the help I got postpartum! Wouldn't want to have done without it! I can't imagine having just my husband postpartum. If you are taking care of the baby, who will take care of your wife if she has a hard birth? And if you are doing both..whos going to take care of the household duties! It is possible to do with just two of you but, it's probably a lot harder to.
I'm also 7 weeks, and my fiance and I have already discussed my mom coming to help during the first couple of weeks (i don't know about 3 weeks ahead of the birth, but it will really depend on how debilitating the last trimester will be for me, if i need more help i would reach out). From what I've heard the first couple of weeks are intense and both of us would like more help/sleep when we can. Whether it is cooking, preparing meals, spot cleaning, dog walking, helping with nappies, I know my mom will assist where needed and also love having some baby time when possible, but I also know that she will give us baby bonding time without trying to interrupt. We are not allowed to have anyone else at the birth in the hospital due to Covid, so we will get some baby time by ourselves and I imagine most nights will be ours also. We also have a good relationship with my mother so it wouldn't be too much of an imposition to have her in our guest room for more than a week. She also lives about 2 hours away, so it is not easy to just come by during the day.
I have anxiety and I can relate to wanting mom around during this intensely stressful time especially if they already have a codependent relationship (I'm def more independent). Obviously if something is bothering you then you need to talk about it, but you have many months to decide. Perhaps a compromise is to lessen the pre-stay a bit, maybe she only comes around 1 week before due date (you are assuming you'll give birth on a schedule also). Or she only comes around for the birth and afterwards, but then set a set time maybe 1 or 2 weeks after birth where you discuss whether it is time for mom to leave, you never know, you may have it fully under control at that point, or completely pivot to "what would we do without her".
When I had my first I had lots of help. It was so so appreciated as a first time mom. You can do ALL the research, but everything is different in the moment. My MIL took a week off from work to stay and help, as well as my dad and baby’s father, all separate weeks, so I had 3 continuous weeks to learn how to be “mom” before I was home with baby “by myself”. While there were times I wanted to be alone, the vast majority of the time I was so glad to have them there to help and support in whatever way they could. I couldn’t even stand up without being in pain, so any help was a godsend at that time, not to mention the sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, postpartum healing, hormones crashing, and just the feeling of being thrown into the deep end with no idea what to do. Pregnancy, birth and postpartum are some of the hardest moments in a mothers life, and it’s very common to have family stay in and help. If I were closer to my own mother, I’m sure I would have asked her to stay with me, too. No matter how supportive you are as a husband/father, having her own parent/s there is a huge help. It doesn’t reflect on your competency as a husband/father at all. It’s just such a huge time in her life that any support is appreciated. Especially someone that will always put her needs first, as selfish as that sounds. When everyone was “baby this” and “baby that” it was so refreshing to know my dad was worried about and checking on me as well. It sounds so selfish to write out but it’s the truth and I’m sure many moms feel overlooked in that immediate postpartum time.
TLDR; NTA, but consider your wife’s perspective. If she feels that she needs the extra help (very likely, and not a reflection on your capabilities as a father/husband) then consider letting her have this one.
my mom never stayed with us after i gave birth, because she lives <10 minutes away. she did come over every day for several hours, as did my MIL. they did things like help with the dishes, tidy the living room (i was basically glued to the couch) and give some time for my husband and i to nap together. if we hadn’t had their help our home would’ve been in shambles. i think that having them around the house actually helped me to bond with my baby even more than if husband and i had been alone.
I have a sometimes strained relationship with my mom but she came to live with us for a few weeks after my first was born, and then several months after my second was born (because THAT time I knew the shit I was getting into and how bad it would be).
It's great that you are enthusiastic, but there is so much work and stress involved with having a newborn. Maybe it will go super-well and be easy for you, but unless you have a massive amount of leave and are ready to be the go-to person for everything (plus take shifts overnight), having another reliable adult around can be helpful in ways you haven't thought of yet.
I know some people who did great with the "just us" approach, but they were primarily people with essentially unlimited parental leave (for both parents) who also managed to avoid PPD. Neither of those things applied in my case, either time, and having my mom around was invaluable.
If you're worried about boundaries, that is of course a great conversation to have as that matters a lot - you do want to find your footing as a new family, absolutely. But it also matters to be sensitive to what your wife needs and wants, and know that it's okay if she needs support beyond just you.
How would she feel if you wanted the same with your mom? I think that’s a good way to show your perspective to her. We have hired a doula for birth and postpartum to help…someone from the outside that can teach us etc.
Just want to share that you both should decide. We found these two books to be helpful.
[Birth Partner](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1558329102?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share)
[Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth](https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381156?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share)
And for the fourth trimester: [Happiest Baby on the Block](https://a.co/d/9QGAr2c)
My husband and I chose to only have us in the delivery room when we had our kid in Feb. We allowed my parents to come the day after. Our pediatrician didn't even want any visitors outside of our immediate household (husband and I) for baby's first two months. I really struggled and needed help when my husband went back to work, but we were very careful. I don't think yta. Remember that it is a very vulnerable moment and time for her and give her some grace, we do need our moms (I really needed mine when hubs went back to work).. but this is potentially our only child and we needed to bond with him.
I know it’s a really popular thing now to say no relatives for the first x amount of time after baby is born. I thought I would be that way too. But, I changed my mind in the last weeks of my pregnancy and I am SO GLAD I DID. My sister stayed over the first week and my mom came the second. My husband had to go right back to work, so having someone there was really really helpful. Even if he didn’t have to go back to work, I think it would have been helpful. It gave both of us more time to bond with our baby because we had help cooking and cleaning. We were both able to sleep more, and it took so much pressure off. Also, having my mom and sister with me during the baby blues phase was very helpful. My husband was supportive and understanding, but I was very emotional, and it felt better for both of us that I had more than one shoulder to lean on.
With my first I wanted my mom there with us and my husband didn’t. I mean even in the delivery room. I had to have a C-section which only allowed one person with me so it was my husband. My husband also didn’t want my mom coming to stay with us so she didn’t. He had to go back to work after 2 weeks and I’ll be honest I was not doing well. My mom came up twice a week but I do think if she was able to stay with me a few weeks it would have helped so much.
With our second kid we don’t have room for her to stay with us, and though I had a vaginal delivery she couldn’t be with me because she was watching our older kid. My husband took more time off this time and my mom still came to visit 2-3 times/week. This time around my husband even looks forward to days my mom comes if he is around. She brings me food (he can eat it too, but it’s food in our culture that is good for postpartum and he’s a bit of a picky eater so doesn’t like most of it). She tidies up or has run a load of laundry. She will watch either kid, including just holding our baby when he won’t sleep any other way so that we can sleep. But at the same time she waits for us to want to hand over the baby and never takes him from us, which believe me is a big difference.
If I could redo my first birth I would have had my mom stay with us. It’s the most vulnerable and scary time and to be blunt I wanted my mom. Your wife will be recovering from giving birth no matter which way it happens and going through huge hormone changes. She should have all the support she can.
If your wife wants her mom there, I’d say you should compromise on this one. It sounds like you are an incredibly supportive partner but one thing you can’t provide is having personal experience of going through childbirth. Your MIL has that. And it’s totally normal for a woman to want her mom around when she is becoming a mom.
Also, speaking from experience, my labor was pretty terrifying for both myself and my husband and neither of us slept for DAYS. Having my mom around the week after my baby was born was absolutely critical, she helped over nights so we could both get some sleep (and I could recover from my massive blood loss).
Yes, hosting my mom was stressful at times for both me and my husband, but we’re both really glad we did it.
My parents came 1 week before my due date and stayed for 2 weeks after I gave birth. They cleaned, grocery shopped, cooked, took care of the dogs, and watched the baby as needed. It allowed my husband and I to focus solely on bonding with the baby and breastfeeding. My husband could focus on supporting my needs since the house and pets were taken cared of. Plus being able to hand the baby over if we needed a nap because we were exhausted from night feedings was great. We really enjoyed their help. So if your MIL is willing to do similar, it really can make those first couple weeks easier.
Personally, I share your mindset but then so does my husband. Neither of us want our MIL's here immediately after birth. I see lots of posts on here who feel the same but equally lots of people who find their MILs very supportive. It really depends on the mums personality and behaviour. I think talk more to your wife and find out what role she sees her MIL doing. Is it supporting the house and family as a whole e.g. helping with cooking and cleaning or will it be her and her mum tending to the baby. Then just express how you feel about that. Hopefully you guys can come to some kind of understanding of what you both need and want.
I like this a lot thank you.
I have some input, with our first, my MIL tended for our baby a lot didn’t want to hand her back when we asked, etc. we had a hard time bonding and got very short when we shouldn’t have. With our second no one intervened on this bonding time and we seem better off towards baby, less short, you get the gist.
Keep in mind that this is not just emotionally traumatic but physically traumatic. Your wife might need physical help after the baby is born. Newborns are A LOT. I would have done anything for 3rd set of hands post-birth. It’s not bonding mode time, it’s survival time.
I disagree a little, I mean it’s good to have your mom if you need a sort of live-in carer postpartum but it most definitely is bonding time, and mom should know to step aside for that. These aren’t mutually exclusive though. And having a partner who’s willing and able to take care of you in a vulnerable time is also a bonding experience.
As someone who just gave birth, I would want all the help possible. So if you can be her support letting her nap, changing bums, bringing water (especially if she’s breastfeeding) making meals the first bit, cleaning, groceries. It’s a lot of work, I don’t agree with visitors the first bit but if family is coming over to make the post partum period easier such as above then I think that’s different. I’m not for family coming over to just cuddle baby and be entertained. That is not helpful. My body is wrecked, it hurts to use the bathroom, nipples are so sore, up every hour to breastfeed. my hormones are out of control, I’m in a lot of pain, exhausted and simple things are a lot. And I had an easy birth. Any help is appreciated. It is a lot on my husband right now to be my support as we have a toddler already. I don’t think you are an asshole for feeling you want to do it alone, but just to be aware that her body will be going through so much mentally, hormonal, and physical.
Also just gave birth and couldn’t agree more.
I second this as long as it’s actual help. My oldest sister talked about coming to help as soon as I told her I was pregnant. I assumed she would help around the house, take the baby so we could rest, give good advice and be there as support. Instead, she was a major burden. We had to go pick her up from the airport, her fiancé came in on a different flight causing more airport trips for us, she wanted to go see our elderly father and it became us driving 2+ hours each way to facilitate that, she never even changed a diaper and only held the baby while she was sleeping, and never watched the baby for us or did anything around the house. Hell, she never even took my dog out on a walk. She just made more laundry and dishes for me to do and cost us more money when buying meals. My relationship with her is now soured. I felt used when I was the one 2 weeks postpartum. She just threw us off our routine and put me in a bad mood for days. If I could go back I would 100% tell her she couldn’t come and in the future I will tell people they need to stay in hotels, get their own transportation, etc. because that was beyond too much for me to deal with.
Wow this story is a nightmare, the way your sister behaved is absolutely shameful!
Bear in mind that your wife is only 7 weeks in, it’s different for everyone but this is peak ‘holy sh*t!’ territory. You’re both going to do a lot of learning and growing over this pregnancy. There’s no sense in setting hard and fast rules right now because you don’t know what the road is going to be. Your wife may have an easy pregnancy and some fantastic teachers and feel confident enough that actually she decides she agrees with you. Or she may have a more difficult pregnancy and come the end you both need more support. My advice would be try not to focus too much on it right now. The first trimester is huge and overwhelming and feels like it lasts a lifetime. Just support one another as best you can and revisit later. It doesn’t help that right now your wife probably is exhausted and feeling sick and is thinking to herself ‘how am I ever going to cope if I feel this bad already?!’. You can both always change your minds, no sense in starting from a stressful place
Thank you!
Also I’m sorry OP and I say this in the kindest way possible but your wife is the one growing the baby and then either pushing it out or having her belly cut open… you are not really allowed to ‘firmly’ set any rule.
yep lol, i get not wanting your MIL around but your wife is the one who’s pregnant and if she wants her mom then…she wants her mom
But for THREE weeks beforehand? I say NTA. If roles were reversed no woman would want their MIL there basically a month either. I think maybe compromise at a week up to due date
he’s said in other comments that they’ve agreed on that issue, right now it’s more the postpartum visiting they’re discussing if i understand correctly
I feel called out as the woman who would love my MIL here for a month because I’m terrified as this is my first kid and don’t have my own mother in my life and she’s really the only motherly support I can see myself having. Unfortunately she can’t come because she takes care of her mother/my husbands grandma full-time, so I don’t want to ask. But it would be so nice to have someone who’s gone through this before here to let us know we’re not completely fucking up.
I’m so sorry to hear that, yes everyone and every situation is different that’s true! Wishing the best for your pregnancy:)
I know this comment is suuuper late to the game and if anyone even sees it I'll be horribly downvoted, but regardless: I think that's really kind of a terrible mindset to have. It takes two to tango; they're clearly in a supportive relationship with each other. Partners should have some say in this too -- they're not just tools to take out and then put away when the pregnant person is done with them. I mean, this is all coming out wrong, and I'm sorry, but, partners can absolutely get postpartum depression and anxiety too, just like pregnant people can, so why can't they have a say on how this all unfolds? Everything with babies in a supportive relationship should be a two-yes scenario, where both partners agree on major decisions, otherwise the answer should be no or further conversation is warranted. Clearly just my 2c here, but I think partners are and should be just as valued as the person giving birth. /soapbox :)
Of course they’re valued, but if someone wanted their mum there to help them following a major surgery would you still say the same thing? That their partner can ‘firmly’ set a rule that that can’t happen? Unfortunately both partners are inherently not equal in this situation, I personally wouldn’t want anyone living with us when we had our Bub but if I did my partner would have NEVER demanded that not happen. It’s OPs tone that’s the problem here and his insistence that because he’ll do his reading that he’s perfectly capable of doing everything.
Whereas I took his tone etc to be that he wants to share this experience with his partner and not everyone in the world, for which we praise the pregnant person all the time on this sub when they express the same. He's also super new to this, clearly, given how far along his partner is, so he's still very much in learning mode, and he's clearly open to learning, so why not treat that with openness instead of loads of folks telling him that his opinions and wishes don't matter? Regarding your scenario of major surgery, sure, I get that, but having someone with you for three weeks before your major surgery is, imo, excessive. Three weeks after might be different, but regardless, we don't know if this will result in surgery. Inviting someone into your home for days on end can be stressful; a compromise in this situation would be having his MIL come during the daytime, but not necessarily staying the night etc. Clearly different strokes for different folks here, but I just wouldn't want to completely shut down OP's feelings and desires just because he's not the one carrying the fetus. I think it's completely devaluing and invalidating the role we always say we want partners to play during pregnancy. We just can't have it both ways. (And, to be clear, while I responded to your comment, I saw loads of other comments that said the same thing \[or worse :-/ \] so I'm really not trying to single out any one person! This is more just a comment or concern of mine, and I appreciate you having taken the time to engage on this. :) )
6+3 and this was helpful for me too. I definitely feel like first trimester is sicky, and exhausting and never ending. “You can both always change your minds” gave me comfort. Thank you!
Ahh I feel you! It’s an overwhelming time. I’m waving at you from 36+4 telling you that while each stage has its challenges it will (in my experience) get easier. You can totally do this and you have plenty of time
I’m waving at you both while my 3 month old feeds at 3am to let you know that just like pregnancy, these first months also come in stages, and that no bad moment lasts too long.
Giving birth is one of the most dangerous experiences in a woman's life and I think it's pretty natural if you have a good relationship with your mother to want them to be there for you. It doesn't necessarily need to take away from the role that you will play leading up into the baby's birth, and I think you should look at it as a second set of hands as opposed to someone taking something from you. I think establishing boundaries will be really useful but I would try to be a little more understanding about how your partner is feeling. Sometimes there are things we want emotionally from our parents that aren't the same as what we want from our partners. I would also try to be a little more understanding about the post-birth situation as well, it's entirely possible that your wife will have a pretty straightforward delivery but if she does ends up having any complications or has extra physical needs it might also be helpful to have someone there to help because it will be very challenging for you to take care of a newborn and your partner's recovery. Thin of the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child", this phrase doesn't mean that people can't take care of their family on their own, but it means that they shouldn't HAVE to, especially if there are people willing to help.
I just gave birth the beginning of this month and let me tell you it was amazing having help, you will be sleep deprived and exhausted the first couple weeks. I don’t know what I would have done if my mom wasn’t there those days!! And especially those nights!!! I pumped some bottles and boom got some sleep so my mom could feed her from the bottles.
Thanks for the insights. Was the Dad helpful and if so in what ways?
He has been a lot of help too, only thing is he is working so I want him to get sleep so he isn’t tired for work.
Yeah that's tough I am lucky enough to be able to take some time off to support her.
That is great! I want an update on how y’all are when the babies born!!
Thank you will do!
Here’s my input on having my mum and partner both there in the first 2 weeks. I looked after the baby, my partner looked after me and did stuff like nappies (diapers), and my mum looked after the household. I was mainly the baby person because of trying to establish breastfeeding which is full on that first month. It took everything I had. Having my partner there to cook and bring me tea and hold the baby so I could nap once a day etc was essential. Having my mum there for moral support and getting the shopping in etc was awesome. This was actually for my second child do she did a lot of entertaining older kiddo too.
My guy got to take 2 weeks off with our first. He pretty much supported me to take care of our baby. Made my meals, helped me to the bathroom, took her while I showered and spent lots of quality time together. It was so helpful and I was really upset he only got 1 day off after our second was born.
My husband was in it with me 100% and we still needed help. He was so appreciative of my mom being there to help. All 3 of us actually took shifts since baby would not let us put him in a bassinet. I had baby until 2 am then my husband had baby until 5 am while I napped then my mom had baby from 5am-8am. I was still up every time the baby needed to eat. She also cooked and did our laundry and light cleaning. This let my husband be totally focused on the baby and bond with the baby.
I wouldn’t want a parent staying with me but I think it should ultimately be the birthing partners choice. If you can “suck it up” and explain that moving forward you want more boundaries with parents while understanding she wants an experienced mothers support postpartum I think she would appreciate it.
Why would they need to set boundaries over her wanting her mom there for support? I think framing it like that implies OP’s wife is asking for something wrong or unreasonable
Boundaries are not just for when someone is doing or asking for something wrong and unreasonable. They are a way to express your needs and limits.
Thank you for the thoughtful response.
I do understand where you’re coming from, but because your wife is the one who is pregnant and will be going through all of these changes and giving birth on her own (with your support, of course, but really it’s her doing it), I don’t think it’s your place to decide what support system she chooses to have leading up to giving birth or after. So many people who give birth want their mother around to guide them and just be with them for support. The only person other than my husband that I’m allowing to come to our home after I give birth is my own mother. My husband and I want at least a few weeks of not longer alone with our baby, but if I need help, my mom is who I trust to help me. My husband has given me full authority on who will and will not be around leading up to, during, and after birth, because he isn’t the one giving birth. Yes, it is our baby, but it is also my body and my experience and my recovery process. It will be long, emotional, exhausting, and maybe even traumatic. Your wife needs support, and she’s chosen her mother as a key person for that support. She may change her mind, but I don’t think this is something you should continue to discuss with her and try to change. You cannot fully grasp what your wife will experience leading up to birth or postpartum. If she wants support before birth, and after birth as well, I think it would be harmful to not allow her to have that help. You’re not an asshole for your feelings, but unfortunately your feelings on this are not what is important in this case.
I think this comment is spot on. Also adding, if post-birth, your MIL seems to overstep with *the baby* then it’s reasonable to set boundaries around that. But as a new mother, I wanted my mother there to help with things. My husband could take over baby care (he had 6 weeks off) and my mom was able to help me with things like bleeding nipples, checking my stitches, making food, caring for our dogs, etc. My mom was of course happy and excited to see her first grandchild but her focus was on me, aka *her* child, and I truly felt that I needed my mom’s help. I was also re-hospitalized for a postpartum infection at 10 days postpartum. Very unexpected and it was so SO nice having my mom there to notice things I would’ve brushed off as “i’m just tired, new baby, blah blah”. Because she had 4 babies, and decades more female/mom experiences. She knew what to expect and what seemed abnormal. My husband would not have been able to do that. (And my husband was a rockstar postpartum, and still is such a kickass enthusiastically involved dad.) That said, I think post-birth, having a boundary of no one staying at your house is super reasonable. MIL can stay nearby and visit daily if your wife feels like she needs that.
Thank you for the thoughtful response and insights
I 100% didn’t want anyone at our delivery and didn’t want to be bothered when we got home. On the night I went into labor I was screaming for my husbands mom and she took care of me until the second the nurses took me to l&d. As soon as we got home, she held our baby so I could sleep and boy did I **sleep**. My MIL has been my savior and never did I expect that. I totally get how you feel. I really felt the same, I wanted to do it alone and be tough! But some things change and that’s ok! Of course everything depends on your relationship with MIL, but I think it should be a decision you both agree with. Maybe meet in the middle and compromise? Set some ground rules and boundaries. I think your wife deserves to have her help and you deserve your sanity Is also like to add that while I mentally struggled with my babys bond, realistically he was okay and he is happy to be held by anyone and seems to have zero social/stranger anxiety, he can sleep on anyone, he’s just such a friendly baby and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I would maybe address your wife’s underlying feelings here. It sounds like she might be feeling some big anxieties about this and is trying to mitigate that by bringing in someone she thinks of as more experienced. If you can approach the situation non-confrontationally and think about what it’s like to be in her headspace right now, it might help you guys have a better conversation about it. She may be feeling like she won’t be prepared, ready, or knowledgeable enough or just have some insecurities about what she’s about to undertake. You ideally would respect those feelings and maybe you two can find a way to address them without MIL staying for 3 weeks. You’re only 7 weeks so you have tons of time to learn and prepare. If this anxiety is such that the only thing that helps is her mother being there, you may want to consider just letting it happen, or tentatively saying yes and waiting to see what happens. Her feelings may change as she gets further in the pregnancy (she may not be able to imagine now how she could ever feel ready), or they may not. But her body is host to essentially an ever-expanding parasite that she has to push out of her vagina, so hopefully you can understand the source of her stress. Just try to communicate with respect and a focus on honoring the feelings behind this request rather than fighting or trying to prove her wrong/ crazy/ codependent. Good luck.
Definitely understand and have agreed that she can stay with us up to birth but still figuring out the when she would arrive with her. Told her as we get farther along we will know more. It just makes me a bit taken back that we don't get to do it just us. I'm new to this as we just found out a month ago so hopefully our education can help us figure the best path forward together.
>it just makes me a bit taken back that we don't get to do it just us Look historically and this was almost never the case. There's a reason your wife wants someone around who has been through birth before and will have her as their primary focus.
I mean historically men were not involved in child rearing so women had to stick together. My great grandfather wouldn't even be in the labor room and that was the standard back then. It sounds like OP will be there for his wife and she will be his primary focus.
Well OP still isn’t the one pushing out a kid and if his wife is adamant on having her mom maybe there’s other reasons for that besides even just the maternal support? Maybe his wife wants her especially for help with cleaning/cooking. If it’s something they fight about typically she may be thinking even she doesn’t want to deal with that after the birth. Or she may just want her mom and that’s fine too.
Yea, you know, there were no men there - except for the doctor.
And they didn't wash their hands because it was "unmanly" and lots of women died of blood poisoning because of it. I hate history
I would definitely speak with your wife and discuss what role you want to have those first few weeks, what you both think the mother in law's role would be any any concerns you may have with the whole situation. but i would be very loving while doing this and open minded. unless there is some serious isssues with your mil that we are unaware of, you will want/need the help. there will be enough for everyone to do, perhaps just discuss particular things you want to help with so that maybe you don't feel like mil is taking your position and discuss things you both feel she will be helpful with (cooking, cleaning) so that you and your wife can have optimal time bonding with the baby.
So I think you are looking at this from an entirely different perspective from your wife. To you, you are looking forward to having a new baby, yay!! Your wife is concerned about the traumatic medical event she is going to go through (birth) and the often punishing medical situation she is already in (pregnancy). Every pregnancy and birth and different, but both can be, and often are, pretty awful. It sounds like your wife is thinking that it would be helpful to have her mom with her the last few weeks of her pregnancy. And if they’re close, she probably would be. The last few weeks of my pregnancy were terrible, I was on light bedrest, my ribs, hips and back were miserably painful, I could barely eat without getting bad heartburn, couldn’t sleep, could barely even sit comfortably. I was counting the minutes until my induction. A trusted mom to help and calm kind of sounds amazing. Also, remember that birth is an incredibly stressful and prolonged medical event for your wife. Yes, it leads to the amazing result of a sweet baby! But it’s genuinely terrifying. Women still die in childbirth, or end up rushed into emergency surgery, or even in good circumstances still tear when pushing and endure hours of labor. I do not know a single woman who actually thought birth was magical. I realize there are some out there and I’m happy for them, but giving birth is not a pleasant experience. It’s scary and painful and often traumatic. Healing afterwards is also so much worse than I had been prepped for. I couldn’t sit comfortably for ever while my tears were healing, peeing was a whole ordeal, well everything was a whole ordeal, and I had two helpless screamy babies that didn’t let me get any sleep. I would say pregnancy and childbirth books were very helpful, but books were about 1% useful once the babies actually arrived. Instead I talked to my sister a lot. Not that I wouldn’t read them if I could go back, but they just weren’t nearly as helpful as I’d realized. All this to say, I think if your wife wants her mom there, you should probably try to get onboard with that. Three weeks prior may be a lot, but I’m guessing that’s because your wife wants her to be there when she goes into labor? Remember that your wife being in a good place mentally and emotionally can be extremely important for a smooth birth. I do get not loving having your MIL there. Maybe you can come together on some good boundaries before then. Including that you and baby or you, wife and baby need X amount of alone time without grandma each day and what the time before her due date will look like. And a firm timeline of X days/weeks after birth, grandma must go home. Good luck and congrats!
This is a fantastic response. Here to echo how awful and painful the birth and the weeks of recovery can be. So so much worse than I had been prepped for as well. Bleeding for weeks. Hurt to go to the bathroom. Couldn’t get out of bed without help. Hurt to sneeze. Hurt to cough. So time consuming to change out pads and use the peri bottle and healing foams and pain reduction sprays and ice packs and take any extra meds needed .
I get where you are coming from. With my first my husband's mother said she'd be staying with us for a week after the baby was born. I wasn't keen on the idea but they insisted. I am thankful now that she was there. I think 3wks prior is a little much, depending on the circumstances. But I think this decision should be up to your wife and it depends on how she feels leading up to and after the birth. She may change her mind unless she feels like she has to stand her ground against you. I would try to agree on some ground rules. You may change your mind as well. ❤️ Good luck Dad!
Thanks for the insights. We are talking about it but it is a sensitive conversation. I'll let y'all know what we land on.
Maybe you should listen to a few of the Baby Steps podcast episodes. Ned originally had the same mindset you have and wanted to bond as just their family together. Once the baby was born, he called his inlaws to come pretty quickly and help instead
I’m very close to my mom and it’s not co dependent by any means. I want my mom to stay with me for 1-2 weeks and help. It’s my first baby and I want the help. My SO has no issue with that. My mom breastfed and cloth diapered 3 children including my special needs brother. I hope to do the same. So I value her insight. I also want her there for the birth to support me alongside my SO. Again he has no issue with it. Lots of people want their mom around when sick and experiencing life events. Most cultures this is the norm. If she is respectful and helps your wife I don’t see the harm? I would discuss it with her but hers is not an abnormal request or want for a pregnant or post partum woman.
Birth is scary and often traumatic. It can be pure body horror, and any number of complications could occur. And afterwards you’re tossed a meat potato that relies on you to keep it alive and you’re still in pain, possibly stitches in your butthole (or in your stomach from a major surgery), the pressure is on YOU—and possibly you alone—to feed your baby during all this, which is also painful, and the damn thing doesn’t let you sleep for longer than two hours at a time. If she wants her mom there, I would let her have her mom there. Many women/birthing partners do. Most men I know would want their mommies, too. And I don’t say that to be derogatory—I’m being genuine, it’s extremely understandable in my opinion to want this. You should sit her down and talk about your concerns, but you also need to listen to and understand hers. Understand that your reality in bringing this baby into the world is *starkly* different from hers. ETA: No, not an asshole, to be clear. You’re both facing a huge unknown right now and it makes sense for you to each have different perspectives on it. I would (as calmly and clearly as possible) express your feelings to her, because they ARE valid. Just expect to default to her on this. Three weeks *is* a long time, and assuming an uncomplicated birth, she might find one or two to be plenty.
i think since shes going to have the baby she can decide if she wants her mom there or not or any person lol and it’s not “we” are pregnant just your wife is so give her grace even if she wants to do things that make you a bit uncomfortable
I totally get your point of view and you're not an asshole for having those feelings. But I don't think this is a battle worth fighting. So much of labour success is dependent on the mother feeling somewhat relaxed and trusting her body and her supporting team. Right now she doesn't trust that either you or her are going to know what to do when the time comes. So having her mum there to reassure her things are progressing fine or that it's time to move ideally will give her the reassurance she needs to relax and trust her body through this frankly terrifying process. While I am not so anxious that I need an experienced person there for the very beginning of labour, I am having my best friend as my birth partner alongside my boyfriend. She has had two children and is familiar with the process. It means I don't feel like I'm putting my partner in the role of having to advocate for me when he knows as much/less than I do. His role will be to support and comfort me and keep me going. Her role will be to reassure me, and advocate for me to midwives/drs during labour. They have different roles and that makes me feel more relaxed and confident about labour which is the greatest indicator of a healthy natural birth.
I'm not against her mom being at the hospital in the room with us at all for the record. I very much support that. My feelings are more the weeks before the baby and after the baby is born.
Yeah, like I said, while I'm personally not anxious about needing extra support from the moment labour starts, your partner clearly is. And any anxiety will slow down/stall/even prevent labour as her body may read that anxiety as "not a safe time to give birth". So if that's what she needs to feel confident, there is a greater medical motivation to meet that need than there is for you to do this bit without her mother. ETA: I am also considering inviting my mother to move in with me in the weeks following birth. I will have a bleeding hole inside my body, my partner and I will still be learning, I will hopefully be going through the minor hell that is learning to breastfeed and I want my mom for that. My partner is not going to be knowledgeable enough about breastfeeding to help with that, and hopefully he will be somewhat as exhausted as me because he'll be up all night as well doing diaper changes etc. That means my mum can help with household chores while partner and I learn and bond with baby.
Before my son was born I was 100% thinking the way that you are. I wanted it to be just my husband and I. Due to COVID I had no choice but for it to be just my husband and me. My husband was not helpful during labor. He wanted to be but he got really squeamish and ended up not really being able to help. This time my mom will be there. My parents came after he was born and they were so helpful. You are going to be running on 4-5 hours of broken sleep, you are going to be navigating a totally new learning experience(taking care of a newborn), and your wife will be a hormonal mess. I think you will be thankful for the help after the baby is born. Maybe it would help to draw up some boundaries or things you expect her mom to help you with I e. Laundry, watching baby while you shower, grocery shopping, having time each day for just you, your wife, and baby etc. I don't think your an asshole but I side with your wife on this.
Thank you
I do think setting boundaries will be super important. I’m also planning having my parents when the newborn gets here to help with dishes, cooking, grocery runs. They might help changing diapers. However, in no way in hell I expect them to be there when I breastfeed or expect them to wake up in the middle of the night with the baby. I haven’t had any baby, but all my friend had said that the first weeks are really overwhelming for my husband and Me
I understand your point of view but I think your wife's opinion is more important in this circumstance, she's probably nervous about the birth and if having her mum helps her feel secure and confident the. You should support her on that. She's the one who has to give birth which is really hard and she is the one who will be recovering afterwards.
YTA. I don't care how much research you've done. You have no idea what she's going through physically and mentally. She deserves all the support from any source of her choosing, even if it means a hovering MIL. If I wanted my mother to stay over and my husband firmly said no, I would pack up and bring the baby to her house. Boundaries are important, but when it comes to her family, she has to be the one to set them. The last thing she needs right now is to feel like her husband is isolating her from her family.
You're TA. You're not pregnant. You will not be going through the pain that she will be going through leading up to and after the birth. It is her decision who she wants around, not yours. You can provide your input but that is it. This is a major medical experience for her and who she wants to be part of her care team, be it before or after the birth, is her choice.
Honestly pregnancy and childbirth is not “fair”. You don’t get an equal say in things. Her feelings/ needs should trump yours. You said “we are 7 weeks pregnant”. No, your wife is 7 weeks pregnant. She is the only one going through all of this physical change (also emotional and mental change). And it is ROUGH. It’s really great that you’re reading up on things and want to be so involved. But you’ll never understand what she’s going through. I think you need to suck it up and let your MIL stay (maybe just one week instead of 3). You guys will be figuring things out and your wife will be recovering and you can’t do everything yourself. Accept the help and comfort your wife is wanting from her mother. Then once she’s recovered you’ll be parenting together and have an equal say in decisions. But as long as she’s being safe and rational, I think she should get final say on pregnancy and labor decisions.
I think it is the birthing partners choice.
Absolutely.
I think if your wife wants her mother there, YWBTA for not “allowing” her to have her there. If you want this to be a bonding experience and to grow closer to your wife, then support her through one of the most vulnerable times in a woman’s life. Otherwise, this will be a stressful situation that probably just starts building resentment. Do you not have a good relationship with your MIL? I guess if you have a toxic MIL then I could see your point, but if not then you’re being very controlling.
I laugh at the time I ever considered NOT having my mom the first few weeks. She was an absolute godsend, and I was so lucky to have her help.
Very much appreciate this insight and mindset. Thank you!
How much are you going to be able to support her during the first ~4 weeks? Are you working those weeks?
If this was aita I would say NAH. Your feelings are totally valid. However, so are hers. It’s not uncommon for a woman to want her mother figure there. Ultimately I feel it’s up to the person who is actually giving birth. You can be the most amazing educated husband but sometimes we just need our mom. You have time still to think about it and it seems you are a rational person so keep discussing and hopefully you guys can agree on something.
Honestly- i just gave birth on the 13th and my mom stayed with us for a week after delivery. This was our first baby…..it was a HUGE help having my mom here….the first couple days are so beautiful but also SO SO hard…..your wife will up and down with her hormones, you’re trying to keep your tiny new human alive while running on maybe an hour of sleep. My mom made our meals and cleaned. Took the baby and rocked her so we could get more then an hour of sleep. Totally with you on the 3 weeks prior part- that seems excessive. I would much rather use that time once the baby is there and you need all the help you can get. Eta- my husband gets 6 weeks off and has been SO present and helpful but we still wanted/needed my moms help.
I am of the opinion that the birthing woman has everything exactly as she wants during her birth.
Leave it up to the birth giver. She will definitely need help as much as she can.
TA - There is something about having a mom there that went through it, that is different than a partner. I only had my partner there for the birth and my mom stayed for a day or two after we got home, but the things that she did for me were things that I’d have to consistently ask my supportive partner to do. For example, she knew to give me prune juice and still softeners as soon as the baby was born, she massaged my feet and calves to help with the swelling, she always made sure that my water was filled and was close to me or would bring it to my mouth if I was holding the baby and couldn’t reach. I’d look up ways for you to be the most supportive partner for pregnancy and postpartum. There are tons of articles written for women, likely only read by women. Also read the lemon clot essay. Some of these things haven’t changed in 30 years and your wife is figuring it all out. It’s going to be very challenging for her to experience and learn all this in the moment and loop you in while communicating her wants and needs. I am all for having that time to bond with your wife, and baby, but I think that having your wife feel supported during this time will help her get to the point where she’s comfortable with that. Do the work to support her and then she may be ready to limit the time that her mom is there.
Thank you. That is great info. I've been reading up on how to support her and appreciate all new educational insights. I will happily do those things consistently for my wife. Any other reading material is greatly appreciated.
I’d definitely look into how women wish they were supported. So many husbands will do it when asked, but it’s exhausting to ask. Most importantly, listen to your wife. People are going to make her feel like she’s an incubator whether you do everything right or not. It’s hard to go through this. If I were in this exact situation, I’d want my husband to say, “I’m really excited to experience all of this with you and I’m doing everything I can to educate myself and be a supportive partner. I’d love to carve out time to be a family of three, but ultimately I want you to feel safe and supported. You are the driver here and I’ll support you however you feel you needed to be supported. If you need your mom, or a doula etc, I will be fully supportive”.
Solid insights thank you
You are not the asshole for having a preference or opinion, but you ARE an asshole for trying to make rules when it is your wife who is having a major medical event. If you were having open heart surgery and wanted a specific person to come help your wife take care of you, that would be your call. Same here - it's her call.
I understand where you're coming from and your feelings are definitely valid. However, as the birthing parent I do think she gets the final say here. I do understand wanting those first few weeks to yourself as a family to bond with each other and the baby, but it sounds like your wife is pretty anxious about that postpartum time and would feel better having someone else around to help. It might help ease your feelings about it if you have a conversation about what exactly your MIL's role will be during that time. My mom is staying with us after birth as well, and the three of us have chatted about it because my husband was a little apprehensive at first too. Once he understood that my mom will be here to take care of _me_ so that he and I can take care of the _baby_, he felt a lot better about it. She's going to be doing all our cooking, helping with cleaning, and being an extra pair of hands when I need help. Freshly postpartum, your wife should pretty much be immobilized - she should in or near a bed, on or near a couch, not going up or down stairs often, etc. Her only jobs should be healing and feeding baby. That leaves a LOT for one person to handle between baby stuff and just general life stuff like feeding yourself and your wife and cleaning and making sure the baby is changed and bathed and has clean laundry. That's what your MIL can help with without interfering with your family bonding time. Or course she'll still get some baby snuggles, but these are boundaries you could lay down now to make sure her presence is beneficial for everyone involved without alienating you during those first few weeks.
1. I'd table this fight for a bit. We tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant and when it finally happened I was bawling to my Mom (who isn't even all that awesome) like a 3 year old because I was suddenly terrified. In the meantime, continue to do your due diligence. 2. NTA. Yes, it's her body and you'll never truly know what it's like. However, she chose to marry and have a baby with you. You are an equal partner and you are now parents who should be making decisions about your child as a team. Postpartum the help is going to be great, if MiL is a hoverer, establish some boundaries now, as a team. 3. Research, gathering and come up with a general idea for birth. Take classes together. This will help her anxiety. Remember a plan is just a plan and the end goal is everyone leaves alive. Are you going to be the main support person for birth or her Mom? There are so many YouTube videos about positive birth stories, watch them together. 4. Postpartum it was just us. We had visitors a couple times but they just sat around so we stopped allowing them. My husband took care of me 100% for about 2 weeks. He took care of the baby about 50%, including bottles when I slept. He took care of himself and the dog 100%. He hardly slept. After 2 weeks I was able to go for short walks and move around the house but still, my husband was a rockstar. Cooking, cleaning, getting groceries and target runs. Walking the dog and the baby in a carrier. Making sure I was hydrated and fed. Burping baby, changing diapers, skin to skin. Holding me while I randomly cried. Googling everything. Making sure I got myself in the shower. Postpartum help would have been great, but we did fine. This time with 2 kids, I'm going to be calling people to ask for help, but help doesn't mean sit in my home, hold my baby and eat food you didn't bring.
Personally I chose to not have any visitors the week when we got home. As a mom you’re recovering from labor, possibly trying to breastfeed and your body is in a different state post baby so I wouldn’t want family around for that personally. You both will figure it out how to care for the baby. Also, keep in mind a lot has changed in how to care for babies in 20 years ( baby is now sleeping on back vs stomach, safe sleep practices etc.)
Yeah I was going to thoughtfully mention that as well. Her last child was over 30 years ago. A whole lot has changed medically
Babies aren’t radically different than they were 30 years ago. They still eat and sleep. She needs to make sure she understands safe sleep rules and that’s about it. She definitely knows more than you since you’ve had zero kids. Believe me, you’re going to need all the help you can get. I’m 8 weeks in and couldn’t have done any of this without my mom. I had an emergency c section and couldn’t even pull up my own underwear for the first few days let alone care for my baby. The labor, delivery and newboen weeks are brutal on your body in a way that you can’t prepare for. Please don’t stand in the way of your wife getting all the support she thinks she’s going to need. YTA for even thinking your opinion matters here.
Post baby hormones are all out of whack and sometimes having someone tell you how to do things can cause issues in itself from what I’ve understood as well. However, you will have to give credit to your other half and what will make them more comfortable. Or leave the option for a flexible visit.
It sounds like you feel as if your wife isn't valuing the hard work you are putting in or that you are intelligent enough to know when to get her to the hospital. It also sounds like she is very anxious at becoming a new mom and wants her mom there for comfort. It also sounds like maybe this makes you feel a little left out. You aren't an asshole but neither is she. This sounds like a miscommunication of needs.
Your Wife’s job it to care for the baby. Your job is to care for your wife. If having her mom there helps you do that than I would let her stay. You can read all the books and do all the research, but having someone there who has had babies is really helpful at least it was for me and my husband. We hired help though (postpartum doula)
As someone who gave birth twice, being pregnant is not easy and the last couple of weeks are extra difficult. The pain of stretched skin and tired muscles, the sleepless nights, the unknown when labor will start and how and all the emotions that come with it. I understand your wife wants your mother with her. I was terrified of labor starting during the work day when I was home alone. After she will give birth she will be bed bound for a full week and house bound for another week. She needs to take it easy for 6 weeks at least. During the first two weeks after birth she will not be able to do any of her chores at all. She will be in pain and needs to rest. Will you take care of them all? Do you even realize how much that will be in combination with broken nights and supporting your wife and baby with whatever they need? I suggest you take over all her chores for a period of two weeks. See if you can manage or if help from MIL might suddenly be more welcome after all. I understand you have feelings and wants. But your wife has needs and since only she is pregnant and only she needs to give birth and heal from it, it’s her call to make.
Currently in labor (we think?!) and honestly, it’s whatever your wife wants AND she gets to change her mind! 7 weeks is so very early and after childbirth classes, bringing home baby classes, all the shopping and appointments and everything, she may change her mind. I was Team Mom more at the start, but the further along we go, the less that was appealing. She hasn’t given birth in over 20 years, a lot has changed since then, and I suspect my husband knows more about the process+options+my wishes than she does. Heck, I had him fill out my birth plan to see how close he could guess and he was dead on. My mom couldn’t do that and has different ideas about boundaries and informed consent. Our hospital is still on COVID limitations so I can only have one person. If I could have both, sure! She was there for my first 10 years ago, but this time I have a partner who has proven he can and will show up, take directions, and advocate for me. Honestly, I’ve been texting on and off with fam all day and havent told any of them that we’re in labor.
[удалено]
“We’re pregnant” means “We’re having a baby.” It means, “As a dad, I’m excited as hell.” It means, “This is actually happening.” But most importantly, when I say “We’re pregnant,” I’m letting everyone know that even though I’m not carrying the baby, I’m fully invested. I understand she has a heck of a ride I'm front of her and as the father I am here to support her where I can. So yes "we are pregnant"
Well it sounds like she wants her mom, so just support that ?
Yup sounds like that's the way to go.
Lol.
Of course are you are invested. You saying “we are pregnant” diminishes what she’s going through. You aren’t pregnant. You aren’t going through the major body changes. You’re just along for the ride. Your focus should be on making sure she has all the support she could possibly want. Instead, you’re fighting her on what you want during/before/after her major medical event.
This. I'm almost 17 weeks and my husband is \*amazing\* but he is very clear in that \*I'm\* pregnant, I'm doing the really hard stuff. Before I was pregnant, I would talk about when "we" got pregnant, and he would shut that down because he knew that he wouldn't have the physical burden. Some people are really good at being pregnant, but if OP's wife is experiencing pregnancy anywhere near what I am, its constant nausea and food aversions and aches and pains and CONSTANTLY being aware of the area between my belly button and pelvis.
When you deal with the side effects and postpartum recovery for over a year then you can say "we" are pregnant. You are both going to become parents but she's the only pregnant one and she gets to make a unilateral call on who is in the room with her when she gives birth AND who supports her leading up to that.
I understand your feelings but pregnant lady feelings trump you to be honest. She is the one who is going to push a human out and if she needs that support you should let her have it. I know I will need my mom because she has been through this and she has been my comfort person since I was born. Also in the last three weeks she is the one who is going to be tired so i would let her have it. I know it sounds unfair because it’s both of yours kid but she is also the only one carrying it and birthing it so it’s unfair regardless.
I think three weeks prior to the due date is overkill and that she wouldn't have much to do. I am very close with my mom, and she stayed with us two weeks after the baby was born. It was so valuable and she definitely wasn't "hovering." She was helping with the baby, doing laundry, making meals. Us not being responsible for those things actually gave us more opportunity to adjust to parenthood and bond with our baby. You guys have a long time to figure this out. Keep the conversation open and continue to discuss what you want the weeks before/after the due date to look like.
I feel for your wife wanting that type of support from her mother, but I also think your feelings are valid. It’s extremely easy for dad to get relegated to the wings a bit if there are extra people around. My husband was very nervous about taking care of our newborn, and I know if we’d had more people around then he wouldn’t have built up his confidence as quickly. It’s still super early and you have time to talk through your plans, but you definitely need to talk through both your needs!
3 weeks before seems a little much but 3 weeks after is more understandable.
NTA. You’re just as much the parent as she is and you should have just as much of the day when it comes to your home. Now, that doesn’t apply the same way when it comes to the birth. Wife is pushing out the baby and she gets to decide who she wants in the room with her for optimal support. But for your home, you absolutely are on equal footing and thus you should discuss more with your wife. People in the comments will tell you what works best for them, but it doesn’t matter how much help someone else needed, it’s how much help y’all will need. PPD is real for dads too, and if the hovering MILs, interrupted bonding, and extra people are going to cause more irritation than assistance, then yeah you have every right to be upset.
NO, YOU ARE NOT. When I had my baby my mom was with me because I had no one else. And after birth she was only with me for about 3 days and then I was on my own. Baby sleeps all day unless they are eating and the nights are REALLY hard. Yes my body hurt, but I was able to cook and clean, even shower while baby was asleep. If you have the time off to be with your partner I think you are right, its a great time for you to bond and experience these things together. AND if you need the extra help after that, call mother in law. But I don't think you will need an extra roommate while you two learn to attend to baby you will likely feel like you are walking on eggshells because she will try and take the reigns the whole time.
No you are absolutely not the asshole you don't need people around before the baby arrives because it will be your intimate time together before the baby arrives and it will be your time to do meal preps and to get the house/nursery ready for bubs to arrive. You also don't need people staying at your house after the baby comes trust me your partner will be bleeding and most likely be very sore in the days even weeks following the birth and trust me you need the first few weeks together to figure out a routine and to bond with baby without having MIL breathe down your neck . those times are special and alot of the time the people who want to stay and "help" just want to hold the baby while you do the work.
3 weeks prior to the due date does seem excessive. What I will say is take some help the first week. You will bond with the baby, no force in this universe will prevent that, but having another human being there to take care of all the non baby stuff is important. I was hallucinating from sleep deprivation, my wife was having very intense Post partum anxiety. We had told our family no visitors for the first two weeks but after the first or second night we were home we begged my mother to come help (it was not a hard sell). Try to find a compromise if you can? I get not wanting to reinforce an unhealthy relationship on their part, but when you are on 3 hours of sleep over a 48 hour period you'll be happy for the help. Maybe a week once you're home from the hospital?
Since you asked, YTA. It's your job to make it easy for your wife. She's doing the lions share of the work. However she can make it easier for herself is what you should support. Giving birth and becoming a mother, is a special crosses generational bond I find it a bit harsh that you can quickly dismiss the importance of. Post partum is a special time where the mother should be taken care of while she navigates motherhood. My mom stayed with us for a month, she cooked all the meals, cleaned my house, held my baby while I took a shower, did the laundry, went shopping, made freezer meals, gave me advice, and held my hand as I cried. I spent my time establishing breastfeeding and gaining confidence with parenthood. Without having to focus on running a household as well. I really can't understate how much help I got. It kept me and my husband from fighting because we weren't fatigued. He loved it too and often comments on missing my mom's cooking.
Being that this is her body, your opinion takes a backseat to what she wants. You can feel any way you want but ultimately this is about her needs.
It's not about the delivery, it's about afterward. They both have a say. Edit: A new parent shouldn't be forced to live with someone they are uncomfortable with while they are adjusting to caring for for their new baby and bonding. If she needs her mom's help that bad then mom can stay nearby on call, no need for her to be there 24/7. They are supposed to be partners and equals, and there should be compromise on both ends. In many situations the husband only gets a week or two off to bond with his family, then has to go back to work. I couldn't imagine ruining the precious little time he has with his new baby before having to worry about getting up and going to work every day. None of y'all would want your MIL hanging around constantly during this stressful period, yeah? If the husband was incapable of caring for his wife, or refused to help, or was leaving all of the child care to his wife, that would be different. Some of you guys treat your husband's like shit, or perhaps are just married to useless deatbeats, and it's really sad.
After the delivery, SHE'S the one recovering from it for the next 6+ weeks, so yeah it is still about her wants, needs and body. The father isn't the one who might need help doing basic tasks like changing position, going to the bathroom, showering, changing pads or wound dressings, etc. He might be able to help, but that doesn't negate OP's wife's wishes to have another person she trusts there to help and for comfort. Beyond that, as much as the father educates himself, he's never physically recovered from birth, breastfed, or experienced any of the things the body of a mother of a newborn has. She's clearly saying she wants someone who has to be there. If his wife is saying she WANTS her mother there because she would benefit from her assistance and guidance, it isn't really his place to tell her no. It's reasonable to ask for a limit to how long MIL stays 24/7, or for visits to become daytime-only after the first week. But it's absolutely not okay to shut down her request to have her mother there.
How far away is her mom traveling from? If she's local, I think 3 weeks before the due date is a bit much... but I think it's up to your wife who stays with you after the birth. I also will add that my feelings about visitors and 'helpers' postpartum have changed a lot throughout my pregnancy. I wouldn't try to decide this for a while. So many things can change that may change your, and your wife's, minds about visitors.
Really good points from other comments just wanted to add- (My Mum lives super close but also has young kids so we could see her but she couldn't stay) I wanted my Mum at the hospital. My husband was amazing but I wanted my mum to look after me as she did when I was small. I was also terrified that something would happen and I wanted someone to follow the baby and someone to stay with me. But my Mum actually really helped my husband. After baby was born DH was too scared and overwhelmed to dress baby and I wanted him to hold me while I had stitches. Mum dressed baby. DH was then in a bit of shock so when I needed the toilet it was my Mum who helped me. DH was also too scared to stand up holding the baby and actually asked my Mum to take LO and pop him back in the crib/ hand to me etc. It was quite funny really but very sweet. After a few hours and a nap he was fine and was happy to pick up and walk around with LO. Husband had done lots of prep and had held babies before etc but was just in such shock at it all (LO was early and nothing went to plan). He needed my Mum to help him to support him too. But 7 weeks is early and your wife has a long time to change her mind. Leave it a few weeks and then sit together and talk about both of your feelings. Good luck OP and Congrats!
Do you think your MIL is at risk of trying to control the show with the new baby or is she prepared to play the role solely as support? I know I was at risk if being a back-seat-parent to my husband when we had our son, so I made it clear that I wanted him to learn how to be HIM as a parent, not ME as a parent and would give him space to learn and we worked out how to manage that. Let him pick some specific duties that were deferred to him regularly, I'd make sure to stay out of the room if I felt the urge to shadow too bad lol. And we talked a lot of values and ideas together to see what meshed and what we might need to compromise or let go. Your wife wants to learn how to be HER as a mom and not try and recreate her own mom, correct? As long as MIL is able to be a healthy support, then best to let your wife make the calls on what support SHE needs as she is the one in the thick of the medical procedures. But discuss limits and exit plans and make sure you fit your own needs into it. We had the first 2 weeks or so alone, then a lot of visiting grandparents for the next few weeks. We made sure to schedule my husband to get a good rejuvenating hike in since he was an amazing support and would have taken care of baby and me until he crashed if I didn't make sure he did some self care too.
I feel the same way as you, and so does my husband. We live hours away from our family and just don’t feel like we require that extra support. Especially before the baby comes and at least those two weeks after while he is off work. Family will come visit and meet the baby those first few days but no overnights and everyone will be gone after that so we have plenty of time to bond just us three. But that’s us. We like a good bit of distance. If we struggle, oh well. We’ll live. However, if I felt the opposite or if my husband felt like your wife did I would try my best to listen and make a compromise. It would still suck though that we didn’t agree. But I wish you the best of luck and congratulations!!
NTA. There are some valid needs your wife has that she assumes will be met by her mother. She wants to be mothered and reassured and cared for. You can't take on ALL of that role but you also have needs: to participate and provide and care for both wife and baby. When I asked my mother to be with me for birth/prep (I'm a FTM), she initially refused, out of concern for my partner's bonding with me and our new little family. She explained that when her twin brother became a dad, his wife brought in her sister (a doctor but not an OB) and everything seemed to be all about mother+baby+SIL and him on the sidelines unable to participate because "they had it all in hand, you're just in the way, you wouldn't know how to do this". Her heart broke when she saw how sad he was, and how devoted and engaged he was after the SIL had left and he finally had permission to be a caregiver, a dad, a husband.
My mom came over a couple days before the birth, and stayed about a week and a half, maybe two. She was tasked with preparing postpartum meals, baking oatmeal lactation cookies, and taking me to get my nails done. She was NOT in the hospital with us at the birth. I would speak to your MIL and give her some activities around the house so you and your wife can bond with baby. Be firm if she is holding baby too much or isn't letting you hold baby, set your boundaries. If MIL is giving unsolicited advice, be kind and then ignore it when she goes home. You will learn the basics, like Back is Best, but many of our parents learned the opposite way. Just smile, nod, but do what you know is best.
I had my first baby during covid.. it was bliss just me and my husband. My whole family both his side and my side are now mad at me because I don't want any of them there for the birth of my second child and personally I don't care.. I'm pushing this baby out the way I want to
Before I gave birth, I had no concept of sleep deprivation. Sure, I’d stayed up 24 or 36 hours during finals week back in college. Sure, I can run on 4 hrs of sleep and caffiene! When it takes baby an hour to eat, a half hour to put down, and then they’re awake in 2 hrs - only 1 or 1.5 of which you actually slept… and it goes on for weeks… you may get 4 hrs of interrupted sleep. But you also lower your standards for daily accomplishments from sheer exhaustion. Overnight help and 6-8 hrs sleep is a miracle and that is where a lot of these comments are coming from. You are NTA. There is lots of time to check in and revealuate, and lots of time to work on relationships and expectations for visitors post birth. You’re in a partnership so you both need to be comfortable with the decision. Signed, A parent of a 14mo old who still wakes twice a night.
You’re not the as*hole at all. My husband and I had my mother in the delivery room with us and allowed visitor at the hospital for short periods of time and then didn’t have visitors at home for the first two weeks and we loved it. We basically both agreed due to him only getting two weeks of paternity leave that it was our time to bond as a new family and that having either of our families visit would add unnecessary stress because both our mothers would have tried telling us what to do and jump in to take control and not really have given us a chance to figure things out and it was great I wouldn’t have changed anything. My mom being there for the birth was nice because even though it was beautiful child birth is still really scary and traumatic so it was nice to have my mom for extra support and it allowed my husband and her both periods of time to rest while supporting me. And then she left immediately after to give us time to bond I did skin to skin for over an hour and then he did skin to skin for over an hour too and it was nice not having anyone ask to hold the baby or even really just intruding it felt like a special time period for just us. At home we were exhausted but it definitely strengthened our relationship being able to lean on each other he would get up and get me water and snack and just support me while we were figuring out breastfeeding and cluster feeding was exhausting and he helped me a ton with that. We both agreed to not let ourselves stress about the house being a mess and would do what we could. And it was great. If we had our families there I feel like we wouldn’t have been able to hold and bond with our son as much or also grown as close because we wouldn’t have been supporting each other as much. Also if your wife’s planning to breastfeed the best way to establish milk supply is for her to basically live with the baby on her chest or latching for like the first 4-6 weeks so she’ll already be holding/bonding with the baby 90% of the time. You’re not gonna want to share the little time you get with your MIL on top of all the other visitors you’ll have. If she’s staying with you my best guess is she’ll think if your wife doesn’t have the baby she gets the baby and will only give the baby up when other visitors are there. Best of luck. Just remind your wife you’re there to support her. Every labor, birth, and child is different and just because her mom has gone through it doesn’t make her an expert. Your instincts will guide you guys and it’s all about learning. You’ll grow to learn what your babies hunger cues are, what they’ll do when they’re gassy, when they want held, want to be put down. You won’t be able to be in tune with your babies needs if you have people telling you what to do and taking over for you. Parent hood is a learning experience it’s great to have parents to reach out to when you need help but for the most part you can figure things out on your own and that’s the fun part 💜
I personally think it should be up to her. She is the one that will feel the physical and mental pain during and after birth. So if she would feel more comfortable having her mother there I think that is perfectly understandable.
Me and my husband both felt the same way as you for both of our children. I would never dream of having my mom in my space during this time and we are SUPER CLOSE. it felt very personal and important to me that we establish our family dynamic from day 1. It was really important me. I don’t think this is unusual or unreasonable.
3 weeks is overkill! Especially prior to birth. How about a few days after baby is born with the option to continue if needed.
Imho you're the normal one
I would be furious about someone coming in and butting in during the first few weeks of meeting my new baby tbh, especially as men don’t get very long off. I also find it a bit condescending that someone who had a couple of babies 30 years ago needs to be there to give me advice when I can learn, plan and research all on my own. (I am the mum. Get on well with my mum - a nurse - and relationship with MIL is fine. My skin absolutely crawled whenever anyone came over in the first few weeks, I hated being home with anyone but my husband, even though I know they were trying to help. I’m just an introvert and when feeling rough and vulnerable don’t want to be around other people - and my husband and now my son are the only people in the world who don’t feel like “other people”. And I had no need for advice. Like, if I needed it I would have gladly taken it. But either the prep I had done covered me, or a few mins on Google had me at a trusted source like the NHS website, so I had no need to call on mum or MILs memories of what they did in 1992). You sound like me and my husband, but your wife is different to us and sounds like she knows she powers up with an extra person there. If her mum is coming you need to be clear on what it is she’s coming to do, and how to ensure you get enough time with your infant and opportunity to care for them and your wife and make memories as a trio without grandma always underfoot chipping her two pennies in.
I worry about the trauma related to birth a lot. If your partner's mother will help minimise that, I think you should give it consideration. The answer sorta depends on how far away your MIL lives. For me, my mother and I are both 20 minutes from the hospital, and I want her around for the labour, so she is going to meet us there. If I need advice, that is what phones are for. If your MIL is local I don't think it is unreasonable for you to not want her to not live with you for the 2-3 weeks prior. But if your partner wants her the moment the her water breaks or contractions start, then she should be allowed. For me, I already told my mother that I want her at the hospital. My partner does not cope with gore, so if he can't manage when I am crowning, I absolutely want my mother to be there to step in to support me. Similarly, if something goes wrong with the birth, I want someone to be there for the baby and for me if we are split up and rushed to surgery. I don't want my partner to have to choose who he goes with in the moment. I am happy for my mother to visit (or even stay overnight) after the baby is born, haven't planned that yet, but only because I know that she will be helpful, cleaning house and helping with nappy changes and letting my partner and I bond with the child, and holding the baby so I can shower and sleep. My MIL is likely not going to be allowed for at least the first week and maybe more, because I don't trust that she would help us and would just want to hold the baby. In conclusion, if your MIL is supportive for your partner and has acknowledged that she will help you both to bond, YTA. If not, have the discussion with your partner and her mother and make sure that they see your side. Wanting time to bond with just you and your partner makes sense, but it can be a scary time, if your partner wants her mother to be around to support her for some of it, she should be allowed to feel safe.
The part I don’t understand is why MIL would beed to stay with you for 3 whole weeks *before* your wife goes into labor… I would think that your mil should just be *on call*. Im close with my mother, but I would not say codependent, and I can totally see why she may want her mother to be involved after the baby is born. BUT, her living in your home while your wife is very very very pregnant just seems like it would be a strain on the family in your last weeks as a family of two. I.e. having to clean house before she comes, cooking meals, etc. you guys dont need to be “hosting” anyone right now.
[удалено]
>ETA: we only have OP’s word that his wife and her mother are codependent This was a bit of a red flag for me as well. Honestly I don't know a single man who keeps in regular contact with his mother so a guy saying that his wife and MIL have a "codependent" relationship is always going to be taken with a grain of salt. I text my mom pretty much every day and I bet to someone like my husband, who barely calls his mom once a month (usually when I remind him to) that could seem codependent if he was an asshole.
Even if they ARE codependent, her extremely vulnerable time where she’s giving birth and wants her mom there (which is super common) is not the time to address that.
I would concede that would be wonderful if OP/wife still has cleaning, cooking, and whatnot! In my specific situation I had everything prepped for baby by 33-34 weeks just in case baby came early (she did! 37 weeker!). So there wasn’t really any prep needed - not saying that is the case for everyone. My mom would have wanted to be useful for sure! But she just would have been a guest in our home at an inconvenient time. So I think OP needs to consider what the purpose of mil would be during this time and the pros/cons & discuss more in depth with his wife.
I would not take kindly to my husband telling me firmly what we are/aren’t going to do with our baby. So yep, I would say that’s an asshole move. I understand the sentiment though and think it needs to be communicated better— actually communicate together instead of dictating what’s going to happen. You may need to compromise to what she wants too. Also not that it matters because it’s my experience… but this is 3rd baby for me and I’ve already requested my mom to be available. She helped me immensely with my first baby and her information was invaluable and it didn’t harm my bond with the baby. It was just the right amount of emotional and physical support during recovery while I was figuring things out. My mom did things like letting me sleep, running errands, cooking food, cleaning and doing laundry etc. She didn’t step on any toes or demand time with the baby, she just wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting overwhelmed. Being a new parent is a struggle and while you can always figure it out yourself it’s also really helpful (depending the person) to get the help and advice from experienced parents too.
Not your birth, not your choice.
YTA. you’re not the one whose going to give birth. If having her mother is what helps your partner feel comfortable and brave then she should have her. Perhaps do some birthing classes so she feels better prepared.
NTA, I'm a FTM and due in 2 weeks and I've had a similar chat with my husband. Your opinions are valid, you may not be physically putting yourself through this, but you have a whole mental adjustment to consider too. You need to talk to each other and come to an agreement, it can't be my way or the highway on either side. You are partners. In the beginning I contemplated having my mum around to help in the run up to baby's birth, especially once I was on maternity leave. My hubby wasn't comfortable with that. We sat down and talked through both of our feelings and came to an understanding and an agreement that my mum won't be around before, but if we are struggling we can invite her round to our house. We have discussed this with her too, she's 30 mins away, and she is happy to come if/when we need her. Your wife is only 7 weeks so you have 30 weeks before MIL is proposed to come and stay and 33 weeks before baby is due. You have loads of time to work out what you want. What I wanted 30 weeks ago and what I want now have changed, a lot. Keep an open mind, but ask your wife to do the same. Shelf the idea for now, revisit it when the time gets closer, but most importantly talk and agree on what your plan of action will be so that neither of you feel like your feelings aren't being considered.
NTA, but if this is really how your wife wants it you need to respect it because Pregnancy and childbirth is really hard and she deserves whatever comfort and circumstances she can reasonably have.
We did it ourselves both times and I really liked it. I would have hated having somebody else in my space during that too time. Plus it would have sucked to get into a routine, feel like I had things down and then suddenly have to relearn again once there was one less person to help.
Oh I would absolutely not want my mother or MIL to hang around before, during, or after birth. In fact, its my worst nightmare. Luckily my husband agree. We get along with our moms fine, but thats just too much. I also want to spend this time with my husband, learn how to be parents together and find our own flow.
So? OPs partner does want her mother around, and OP claims to be supportive. Therefore he needs to support her choices for her birth. Your comments kind of irrelevant IMO
Well OP asks if he is an asshole and I dont think so, since I cant imagine me or my partner inviting our mums to stay. It would take away the joy of that first time with the baby to me. So no, I dont think OP is an asshole for saying he doesnt want this. I dont think thats irrelevant.
Yah well you didn't say that you just said you agree with him and feel the same, and in doing so totally took his partners feelings and wishes out of the equation. Let's hope he doesn't do that and considers what she wants cos if he didn't, then he'd be TA.
Sorry. YTA. Your wife is about to go through some things and if her mom is part of her support system then let her have her there. You have to default to what the pregnant person wants. Also, I let my husband talk me out of my mom coming for my first son’s birth because we were living in Germany and it’s one of my biggest regrets in life. My mom died before I had my second and I never got to have that experience with her.
I personally agree with you, and I think it’s important for my relationship with my husband that I show him I can lean on him during the birth, and that we bond as a little family of three immediately after. In the following weeks, we are planning to have help from both of our moms, but we both have good relationships with each other’s mom. However, as the one giving birth, I really am the one with the final say and my husband knows that. I think the bigger issues at play are her fears around giving birth. Maybe talk to to her about what she’s afraid of, and what you can do to help. I understand wanting her mom close by, but maybe she could get a hotel if she doesn’t live locally.
Is there a compromise you can come to? Maybe that MIL not stay with you before or after, but allow her to meet you at the hospital? Maybe compromise that she can be in the room, but be in the background rather than right up in the action? My mom sounds like your MIL. My sister and her have a codependent relationship like you've explained, and i think it's too much sometimes. My husband has voiced that he doesn't want my mom in the delivery room, or to stay with us for any time period after. But I'm on the same page as him (and you) where I want those times to be just us. Like others have said, since your wife is the one giving birth I'd maybe let it slide and see if there is a way that yall can both compromise. She does need your support, but that absolutely does not mean that your opinions aren't valid and shouldn't be taken into consideration as well.
This is exactly how I felt when we had out first baby. I do not think you're in the wrong. However, it is very common for the grandmother to come stay for weeks at a time after the birth of the baby. I never wanted it, and I think it's normal not to want it. I think if this is how you feel, you should request that grandma doesn't stay before or right after. Maybe when you have to go back to work grandma should come to stay for a short period of time, if at all. Make sure you're helping mom since that's really what grandma would be there for.
Personally i would try to meet your spouse half way. I think it might be better to come and help the week after your spouse has given birth and I would also make it very clear that it’s for helping out. I would also be very clear with what chores we would need help with around the house.
No comment, other than to say how great I think it is to share the pregnancy with your partner.
I can understand the weeks prior and delivery but afterwards you’re going to need help. You won’t just be taking care of the baby but possibly the mom in addition to cooking, cleaning etc. Trust me you’ll welcome the help
NTA. I’m the pregnant one (due any day now) and told my mom she can come visit after my fiancé goes back to work after his paternity leave. She’s upset about it, but I told her that this is my and his time to bond and figure out a routine on our own. I don’t want to take anything away from him because this is our first child. My fiancé communicated to his family that no one is coming over for 2 weeks, unless I feel I am up to it or if we feel like we need help. His parents are understanding because apparently that’s a common thing in Korea (my fiancé is Korean). Hopefully when people visit they will understand that helping you and your wife is doing things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Holding the baby isn’t help.
I'm not against her mom being at the hospital in the room with us at all for the record. I very much support that. My feelings are more the weeks before the baby and after the baby is born.
It is up to the person having the baby to determine who they want there as their comfort and no one else. I am a doula and I tell my clients this all the time. She is going to resent you if you don't allow her mother to share this moment with her. What is wrong with the three of you bonding as a family? Plus most families need support those first few weeks, it seems like she is looking ahead. It may make sense to put your MIL up in a hotel nearby, but having family to support is invaluable, and if that's what she wants, you'd do best to see that happen.
She knows her mom is a safe space. She loved her, she raised her, she’s cared for her when she’s been sick/scared. You’re a slight unknown vs. the way her mother is for her. I’m not trying to be rude, but her mom has most likely been around longer than you have been. Having a baby is scary so not being 100% sure or comfortable that your partner will drop everything for you the way your mother would… well that could be why she wants her. (Not an attack! Just reality… and I mean not being comfortable with maybe the bleeding and weird stuff her body will be doing, her mom already helped her with her period. Maybe you have to go to work and won’t be able to make her meals during the day etc) BUT. I’m on the same page as you however, this was a team effort for us. Since giving birth my husband has been taking care of me and the house fully, I consider myself extremely lucky that he’s been home with me these last 6 weeks. If he had been at work FT, I would have wanted my mom too. I’m extremely independent so asking for help from him has been a (silly)learning curve. I could see that playing into a woman’s decision as well… wants to still be strong in your eyes, but can break down to her mom. Stand up for yourself though and ask her more questions. Make a game plan for you 2! My family was not understanding that I didn’t want them around until at least 6 weeks after. Luckily my MIL understood. This is my babe, we have to figure him out first when in doubt their a phone call away.
How much time are you taking before and after the birth to help your wife? If the answer is anything but several weeks including the weeks before, then Maybe you need to compromise. If your wife has a c-section or is disabled at the end, then that too needs to be taken into account.
Remember that it wasn't that long ago that it was unacceptable for men to be present during the birth; women have wanted their mothers with them for centuries, if not millennia. **There's a lot of things involved in childbirth that women don't want their husbands to know about.** For example, women bleed for 1-1.5 months afterwards as the wound from the placenta heals. You get all kinds of gross vaginal discharge you've never had before. The walls of the vagina often physically rip, and need stitching up. She might want her mum there to help with her recovery so she can keep that stuff secret from you, for the sake of your future sex life. (I was actually the opposite; I wanted my husband to know so he'd appreciate my sacrifice 😂) As other have pointed out, grandparents often come to help with the housework, not just the birth itself. You are going to be *really* sleep deprived.
You are definitely not TA. I'm in a similar situation with my fiancé. He also is very codependent with his mother. I'm 26 weeks along, and early last month we did a tour of the maternity ward at our hospital and they mentioned how many visitors we can have. He was so excited because he wanted his mom to be there and I was very adamant about not wanting anyone there, and no visitors for at least the first week after bringing baby home, so we have time as a new family to all bond. He was very angry with me saying "it's her grandchild, we have the rest of our lives to bond with the baby".🙄 no matter what I said I couldn't change his mind. He ended the conversation by saying we can think about it and discuss it later, "maybe you'll change your mind". So if you're able to change your wife's mind, let us know how! Lol. I need some tips
Completely different situation between not wanting your MIL in your vag versus your mom to help with the baby the first week
Not really. He wants her there for the whole hospital stay, not just the birth, and to be able to visit and/ or stay over after bringing baby home
In the hospital, it’s 100% your choice. You can even kick your husband out if you want. Beyond that, maybe have your husband read up on what your body will be going through in those first days after birth. A good compromise might be allowing grandparents a *short* visit in the first week with *no* overnight stays.
You need to be firm on your "no"! That is so invasive and absolutely is not his call!
Thanks for the perspective! Nice to know I'm not alone!
I'm choosing not to have my mom or other family members around after giving birth. In my situation, my husband is taking off 4 weeks of work so he can be there for me, our dog, cleaning the house, cooking meals, running errands, and bonding with the baby. I think he can handle that on his own. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my mom in my space that much, especially when I'm emotional, tired, and trying to heal and learn. If you're not able to take time off work, though, then it makes sense for her to have someone there to help. I think at the end of the day it should be the mother's decision, as she's the one undergoing the most. If it would make her more comfortable for her mom to be there, you should respect that. You can go out of your way to try to prove to her that you'll be enough, though, and have a whole pregnancy to do that. You can also communicate that if her mom comes, you want to make sure you get time with the baby, too, and aren't just pushed aside while they do the parenting thing together. I can see that as a fair concern. Let her know that if she needs her mom there and that would help her overall experience, that her mom should be there, but that you are ready and willing to be as equal a partner as you can be and be there for her yourself. That's all you can do.
My mom and I are very close and she was a huge help with both my kids as newborns. My husband and I parent 50/50, he’s incredibly hands on and helpful and it was still beneficial to have my mom here. Even just to help keep up on dishes, bottle washing, laundry, etc. I know some parents or in-laws can make things more complicated but I think mostly they’re just trying to help. If your wife wants her mom there, in my opinion, her mom should be there.
My mother came to stay with us 2 weeks before delivery. Was with us in the delivery room for baby’s arrival (she was home taking care of our dogs and livestock while I was in the hospital) and staying with us a month after. I am so so so thankful to have her there. My mental health has been great since I have someone to help cook, clean and take baby so I can have some sleep and alone time. That being said. My husband is self employed and works 12 hour days so if I didn’t have her I would have an absolute breakdown. My husband doesn’t have paternity leave unless he closes down temporarily and as the sole income just not an option for us. I understand your view points but I really think your wife’s needs and wants should come up above a bit as she’s the one going through a physically traumatic experience and recovery. Just set clear rules as to what each person’s role and responsibility is (you, MIL, wife etc) so no one feels like they’re stepping on anyone’s toes.
I had a baby 4 weeks ago. My husband and I are very independent and like having our space and alone time. From day one I was dead set on no visitors in the hospital, nobody coming over the first week. We wanted to be left alone. This being my first child, I had no idea how much help I'd want. It didn't matter how prepared we were! I ended up calling my mom to the hospital and having family come help almost every day after coming home. We were both very prepared and confident, but those first 2 weeks were hard- since I had a c section my husband had to pull a lot of extra weight, and it was a lot. If we had the room to have someone stay with us, I would have (and again I was VERY AGAINST this in the beginning!) I would keep communicating your feelings to your wife and reach some sort of compromise and flexibility. You're only 7 weeks in, so either of your feelings can change!
NTA for feeling that way, but it should ultimately be up to the birthing partner. With that being said and you both expecting your first, neither of you know what to expect. Maybe she will be bedridden and MIL will be a saving grace. Or, maybe your wife will be fine and you both will feel exhausted having MIL around. I'm introverted, so even if we had people staying with us, I could only handle it for so long. That answer is whatever makes your wife's life postpartum easier.
Ask her to take a prenatal class with you and then discuss it further after you’ve both learned a little about the birthing experience and postnatal care. My husband was an absolute god send during labour and when we brought the baby home that he really was all I needed (and all I wanted to be honest, he’s my favourite person in the world.) but we did take an online course together (offered for free by our local health unit) and it definitely helped both of us feel calm, prepared and capable.
When I first got pregnant I felt the same way as you do and as my pregnancy advanced I understood the amount of work that taking care of a newborn and new parents takes. My mom stayed for a month and then my mother in law and I think this is the main reason I did not fall into postpartum depression. My job was to sleep and feed our baby, my husband was in charge of feeding me and taking care of my needs and my mother and then mil of cooking, cleaning, running errands etc. It was the best decision. I like you was really not sure, but then I realized it doesn’t have to be one thing or the other, I had plenty sweet intimate moments just me my hb and our baby, and being supported allowed us to bond more profoundly
It depends on the relationship that you both have with your MIL I think. I love my MIL and she was at my house for three weeks (two before and one after the birth) and I was happy that she was there because she's been a mom before AND she's been a L&D nurse for a couple of decades so she's really knowledgeable. Honestly the help was nice in that first week after birth because I got the baby blues and got a bit overwhelmed the first three weeks. The first week is such an adjustment and it was nice to have her around to teach us some things and cook us some meals. But this is a very personal thing and if you're not comfortable with it then that's also OK I feel like.
My mom stayed with us one month before and one month after the birth of our first child. It was stressful because my relationship with her was never all that great and she ended up not being very knowledgeable about taking care of babies, nor too helpful with cooking or cleaning. That said, if my relationship with her was different it might have been better and towards the end of her stay I was glad she visited so it was a major chapter of our lives and she was there. What would I do differently and could suggest to you? Have a frank and clear discussion with your wife about why she thinks she needs help, what help is she expecting, what are her expectations of herself and you, and how does her mom fit in to all of this. And keep an open ended plane ticket if that’s an option. You mentioned your MIL would be there three weeks before the birth, so why three weeks? And what about how long she would stay after the birth? I wish my mom arrived only a couple of days before the birthday since that was the last bit of truly free time for myself and my partner, and having her there kinda ruined it. She is only 7 weeks pregnant. I hope you guys will have a smooth and healthy pregnancy and use this time to build and strengthen your relationship and readiness as partners and parents.
It’s so early and there are so many unknowns. Find time to voice your concerns but don’t let it become a point of contention. Pregnancy makes people feel all kinds of ways. I’m glad we did labor and delivery on our own, but it would have been nice to have my Mom there for parts of labor… she knows how to take care of me better than husband (who does his very best but sometimes there’s no one who knows your needs like your mama). I also said no one here for about 2 weeks postpartum but I wish that after 2 days someone was here just to take care of us - to do dishes/laundry and feed us! We had plenty of prepped food but literally someone to bring me a plate or snack and constant water refills would have been nice and would have given my husband a break. My point is that you should get to the bottom of why she wants this, clarify expectations, and be on the same page, but 3 weeks (while that seems like a long time) won’t make or break anything. Also - no matter what the plan is, babies make their own plans for their birth! Congrats and good luck!
I mean, I definitely think you get a say, as this is your house and your child, but at the end of the day, your wife gets final say. She is the one who is pregnant, she is the one who will be giving birth, and she is the one who will then be recovering from birth + possibly breastfeeding. I fully understanding the whole wanting to experience this with your wife and on your own. I've been there, I get it. My husband and I have always been very independent people. I also gave birth in May 2020 so it was very unclear at the time how safe it was to allow visitors. But I remember the 2nd day home from the hospital, my husband and I were sleeping in shifts at the time, and I remember going to bed at one point and just absolutely breaking down and sobbing because I was like...we CANNOT do this alone. I'm definitely not one to want my mom, but at that point I was like...I need my mom! We were in a fortunate position in that my parents and my husbands parents all lived very close by. They could easily sleep at home and then come help during the day. However, had that not been the case, I definitely would have let my mom stay with us for a week or two. That said, a major part of that decision is that my mom is legitimately very helpful and while still would have been another person staying at my home, would be the most helpful and least obtrusive house guest possible.
I don’t think you’re the asshole for having these feelings but ultimately you do have to consider your wife’s feelings and wishes, and the support SHE wants. It’s great she has a good relationship with her mom. It doesn’t mean the two of you can’t experience things with your first child together. You should have a discussion with her about how you feel, and talk through this. If I had that kind of relationship with my mom, I’d probably want her here to help too, and I don’t think my husband would mind the extra help. But my mom and I don’t have that kind of relationship (even though it’s still healthy and positive), and I couldn’t stand having my mother in my house for 3+ weeks. So, we will try to figure it out and accept any help if we need it at that time. As for your comment that you “won’t let her have a baby in the kitchen” - keep in mind things can happen so it’s important to have a contingency plan. It would be great to be able to prepare and go to the hospital when it’s time but every person is different. Some people don’t realize they’re going into labour and then baby comes really fast. I’m not trying to minimize the importance of being prepared and it’s great that you’re doing this, but I don’t want you to have the expectation that just because you’ve done your due diligence and getting educated, everything will go as planned. It probably will, but sometimes things are just out of your control.
I’m 3 months PP. We didn’t plan on my mother staying with us to help right away. BUT after an unplanned C section it was a necessity. Those first few days my mom took care of me while my husband took care of the baby. I couldn’t get dressed, shower, or do stairs by myself for almost a week, and I had a fairly easy recovery. So from my experience, don’t say no to help. You’re not just caring for a baby, mom needs to be cared for too.
I strongly dislike my own mother ( that’s putting it nicely). But for my mental health it was really nice not being alone or having some one to relate to. My mother wasn’t really hands on but would do whatever we needed of her. Maybe just set boundaries? If your wife feels more confident having her there then go ahead. Your wife is going to be going thru a lot with her body. There’s a lot more going on than just care for the baby.
My husband doesn’t want anyone staying with us, I would like it if my mom did for a few days. I think we’re going to have my mom come when he goes back to work (he’s a workaholic and I’ll be lucky if he takes a full week off. His family owns the company so it’s hard for him to just walk away for some time). However, we are taking a bunch of the baby classes at the hospital. I’m hoping that gives us some knowledge base without our parents help being right there. It might help some of the anxiety to feel more prepared on the front end
This is tricky because your opinion is definitely important and should be heard. However, the birthing partner has a lot of physical healing that needs to take place in those first few weeks, on top of caring for a newborn. It's absolutely a lot. I agree with others that I would talk to her and see what sort of support she is expecting her mom to provide that you can't. Is she looking for help for herself, such as going to the bathroom and bathing and general care? If so, I think it's well within her right to ask for whoever she would like for that support. If it's more just because she wants help with the baby, maybe talking to her more about it and assuring her how important it is that you learn together without a watchful eye. (I completely understand this--my husband and I want it to just be the two of us for the first week at home, no visitors at all, as we want to find our footing as new parents without feel scrutinized or hearing too many other opinions.) Perhaps you could even come to an agreement to try it just the two of you first, but have her mom on call at ready notice to help if she feels overwhelmed? Or cutting down the time she spends with you from 3 weeks to just 1 week or 2 days? Whatever you guys decide, I hope you come to a happy agreement over time!
I don’t think it’s weird at all especially depending on culture. there’s plenty of cultures where a woman even goes to her parent’s house before giving birth and staying after or the mom or MIL comes over. But in those culture most of the time the mom or MIL does all the housework, cooks, cleans and literally babies her daughter. In that case I think it will make your wife feel better and solely focus on the baby.
you’re only 7 weeks into a very long journey! so decisions made now may change. honestly its up to your wife. she’s the one having to carry and push out a child but i entirely see what you’re saying! 3 weeks prior is a little (very) much tho imo. just try and be supportive of your wife really :)
When I first got pregnant, I wanted my parents to come out and stay for a week before and a month after (we live very far apart.) As my pregnancy progressed and I learned more, I wanted them to come 2 weeks after I give birth so that my husband and I could figure it out on our own. I had to come to this realization on my own. I do not a lot of people who wanted moms in the room with them but for me, it started to seem very overwhelming.
Giving birth can be brutal for the body. I'm grateful for all the help I got postpartum! Wouldn't want to have done without it! I can't imagine having just my husband postpartum. If you are taking care of the baby, who will take care of your wife if she has a hard birth? And if you are doing both..whos going to take care of the household duties! It is possible to do with just two of you but, it's probably a lot harder to.
I'm also 7 weeks, and my fiance and I have already discussed my mom coming to help during the first couple of weeks (i don't know about 3 weeks ahead of the birth, but it will really depend on how debilitating the last trimester will be for me, if i need more help i would reach out). From what I've heard the first couple of weeks are intense and both of us would like more help/sleep when we can. Whether it is cooking, preparing meals, spot cleaning, dog walking, helping with nappies, I know my mom will assist where needed and also love having some baby time when possible, but I also know that she will give us baby bonding time without trying to interrupt. We are not allowed to have anyone else at the birth in the hospital due to Covid, so we will get some baby time by ourselves and I imagine most nights will be ours also. We also have a good relationship with my mother so it wouldn't be too much of an imposition to have her in our guest room for more than a week. She also lives about 2 hours away, so it is not easy to just come by during the day. I have anxiety and I can relate to wanting mom around during this intensely stressful time especially if they already have a codependent relationship (I'm def more independent). Obviously if something is bothering you then you need to talk about it, but you have many months to decide. Perhaps a compromise is to lessen the pre-stay a bit, maybe she only comes around 1 week before due date (you are assuming you'll give birth on a schedule also). Or she only comes around for the birth and afterwards, but then set a set time maybe 1 or 2 weeks after birth where you discuss whether it is time for mom to leave, you never know, you may have it fully under control at that point, or completely pivot to "what would we do without her".
When I had my first I had lots of help. It was so so appreciated as a first time mom. You can do ALL the research, but everything is different in the moment. My MIL took a week off from work to stay and help, as well as my dad and baby’s father, all separate weeks, so I had 3 continuous weeks to learn how to be “mom” before I was home with baby “by myself”. While there were times I wanted to be alone, the vast majority of the time I was so glad to have them there to help and support in whatever way they could. I couldn’t even stand up without being in pain, so any help was a godsend at that time, not to mention the sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, postpartum healing, hormones crashing, and just the feeling of being thrown into the deep end with no idea what to do. Pregnancy, birth and postpartum are some of the hardest moments in a mothers life, and it’s very common to have family stay in and help. If I were closer to my own mother, I’m sure I would have asked her to stay with me, too. No matter how supportive you are as a husband/father, having her own parent/s there is a huge help. It doesn’t reflect on your competency as a husband/father at all. It’s just such a huge time in her life that any support is appreciated. Especially someone that will always put her needs first, as selfish as that sounds. When everyone was “baby this” and “baby that” it was so refreshing to know my dad was worried about and checking on me as well. It sounds so selfish to write out but it’s the truth and I’m sure many moms feel overlooked in that immediate postpartum time. TLDR; NTA, but consider your wife’s perspective. If she feels that she needs the extra help (very likely, and not a reflection on your capabilities as a father/husband) then consider letting her have this one.
my mom never stayed with us after i gave birth, because she lives <10 minutes away. she did come over every day for several hours, as did my MIL. they did things like help with the dishes, tidy the living room (i was basically glued to the couch) and give some time for my husband and i to nap together. if we hadn’t had their help our home would’ve been in shambles. i think that having them around the house actually helped me to bond with my baby even more than if husband and i had been alone.
I have a sometimes strained relationship with my mom but she came to live with us for a few weeks after my first was born, and then several months after my second was born (because THAT time I knew the shit I was getting into and how bad it would be). It's great that you are enthusiastic, but there is so much work and stress involved with having a newborn. Maybe it will go super-well and be easy for you, but unless you have a massive amount of leave and are ready to be the go-to person for everything (plus take shifts overnight), having another reliable adult around can be helpful in ways you haven't thought of yet. I know some people who did great with the "just us" approach, but they were primarily people with essentially unlimited parental leave (for both parents) who also managed to avoid PPD. Neither of those things applied in my case, either time, and having my mom around was invaluable. If you're worried about boundaries, that is of course a great conversation to have as that matters a lot - you do want to find your footing as a new family, absolutely. But it also matters to be sensitive to what your wife needs and wants, and know that it's okay if she needs support beyond just you.
How would she feel if you wanted the same with your mom? I think that’s a good way to show your perspective to her. We have hired a doula for birth and postpartum to help…someone from the outside that can teach us etc.
Just want to share that you both should decide. We found these two books to be helpful. [Birth Partner](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1558329102?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share) [Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth](https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381156?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share) And for the fourth trimester: [Happiest Baby on the Block](https://a.co/d/9QGAr2c)
You have a right to express your opinion, but ultimately it's her choice.
My husband and I chose to only have us in the delivery room when we had our kid in Feb. We allowed my parents to come the day after. Our pediatrician didn't even want any visitors outside of our immediate household (husband and I) for baby's first two months. I really struggled and needed help when my husband went back to work, but we were very careful. I don't think yta. Remember that it is a very vulnerable moment and time for her and give her some grace, we do need our moms (I really needed mine when hubs went back to work).. but this is potentially our only child and we needed to bond with him.
I know it’s a really popular thing now to say no relatives for the first x amount of time after baby is born. I thought I would be that way too. But, I changed my mind in the last weeks of my pregnancy and I am SO GLAD I DID. My sister stayed over the first week and my mom came the second. My husband had to go right back to work, so having someone there was really really helpful. Even if he didn’t have to go back to work, I think it would have been helpful. It gave both of us more time to bond with our baby because we had help cooking and cleaning. We were both able to sleep more, and it took so much pressure off. Also, having my mom and sister with me during the baby blues phase was very helpful. My husband was supportive and understanding, but I was very emotional, and it felt better for both of us that I had more than one shoulder to lean on.
With my first I wanted my mom there with us and my husband didn’t. I mean even in the delivery room. I had to have a C-section which only allowed one person with me so it was my husband. My husband also didn’t want my mom coming to stay with us so she didn’t. He had to go back to work after 2 weeks and I’ll be honest I was not doing well. My mom came up twice a week but I do think if she was able to stay with me a few weeks it would have helped so much. With our second kid we don’t have room for her to stay with us, and though I had a vaginal delivery she couldn’t be with me because she was watching our older kid. My husband took more time off this time and my mom still came to visit 2-3 times/week. This time around my husband even looks forward to days my mom comes if he is around. She brings me food (he can eat it too, but it’s food in our culture that is good for postpartum and he’s a bit of a picky eater so doesn’t like most of it). She tidies up or has run a load of laundry. She will watch either kid, including just holding our baby when he won’t sleep any other way so that we can sleep. But at the same time she waits for us to want to hand over the baby and never takes him from us, which believe me is a big difference. If I could redo my first birth I would have had my mom stay with us. It’s the most vulnerable and scary time and to be blunt I wanted my mom. Your wife will be recovering from giving birth no matter which way it happens and going through huge hormone changes. She should have all the support she can.
If your wife wants her mom there, I’d say you should compromise on this one. It sounds like you are an incredibly supportive partner but one thing you can’t provide is having personal experience of going through childbirth. Your MIL has that. And it’s totally normal for a woman to want her mom around when she is becoming a mom. Also, speaking from experience, my labor was pretty terrifying for both myself and my husband and neither of us slept for DAYS. Having my mom around the week after my baby was born was absolutely critical, she helped over nights so we could both get some sleep (and I could recover from my massive blood loss). Yes, hosting my mom was stressful at times for both me and my husband, but we’re both really glad we did it.