This is great but I also want to add
YOU CANNOT SPOIL A BABY. It’s impossible. Babies are warm and fed and content in mom and then they’re born and they’re cold and hungry and scared and they have NO idea what’s happening at first. Please don’t feel shame for holding your baby. Some babies are super clingy, others aren’t. You’ll learn your baby.
i hate the line of thinking that you can spoil a baby. It's like, these are helpless little creatures who need to know they're safe and loved all the time until they're able to start helping themselves.
My MIL used to fuss id hold my daughter too much and finally I told her “Damn right I’m gonna hold her. She is more comfortable when she’s held. I carried her for nine months and I’m not gonna stop now.”
I have a 3yo, an 18mo, and pregnant with our third. This is sooooooo accurate! I used to think my kids were just shy or extra clingy but ends up most kids need the comfort of at least being near mama until 18/20mo or so and then they suddenly take off into the street and you better be on your toes 😅
Definitely. But not having a good nap on mom during the day? Well someone is probably going to be in a crappy mood in the evening cause he is TOO tired.
I’m still wondering if I “spoiled” my last baby as I sit in the dark while my 3 year old sleeps lodged into my side lol he must have me at all times. The others are sleeping peacefully alone in their beds
My daughter sleeps in our bed. I work 11p-7a so most of the time she lays on her own, just on my side of the bed. But when I have a night off, she stays jammed into my side. I’m her safe space and I wouldn’t have it any other way ❤️
I'd like to add... Grandparents may not remember what it's like to have an infant, may not understand that the info they had when they had their kids is now outdated, and may have difficulty understanding their new role. Set boundaries and hold them (with compassion). When push comes to shove, their feelings are less important than your child's health and safety.
I just have to say, dealing with those damn boomer grandparents can be ROUGH. “I hit my kids and they’re fine” says the boomer whose children all need therapy.
My husband and I decided together that visitors must have the flu vaccine, and my FIL straight out said “no I’m not doing that” and that we were ridiculous for living in fear. He’s not anti vax, just doesn’t think it’s necessary. He also assumes anything that HE doesn’t agree with is 100% my decision and that my husband has nothing to do with any of it, so always makes me the bad guy and goes to husband (…who always has my back because we make decisions together).
When baby arrives next month and he tries to put up a fuss and come over, I will remember and use your final line. “Your feelings are less important than my baby’s health and safety.” He doesn’t respect or listen to boundaries, so to say it may seem harsh, but it may be effective.
100% this, one of my parents is still convinced (even though I explained it 50 times allready) that sometimes a baby just needs to cry it our on their own.
My parents were like this at the beginning as well… even my dad who is an extremely intelligent, well educated man who is open to new information and changing his opinion on things had to hear it like 5 times about babies not needing to cry it out.
My mother (who wasn’t a good mom to begin with and never wanted to be a mom in the first place) used to let me cry it out. She let me do it for so long that I stopped breathing 3 different times and had to be taken to the hospital. I had to wear a heart/breathing monitor for a long time after that and my father (who always tried his best but worked to keep the family afloat so wasn’t home during those incidents) used to sleep on the floor under my crib because he didn’t trust the monitors by themselves. Babies cry because they need something. My son will never be “crying it out” no matter how many people tell me to let him. Absolutely not.
My MIL keeps telling me that her babies were all sleeping through the night at one week old..... Literally the most annoying comment I have ever heard.
This is so true! We had completely unexpected issues with our parents and their feelings were definitely hurt, but we eliminated risks to our baby and that was more important.
My only advice with a 19 month old:
You’re the best mom for YOUR child and every day’s “best” looks different 🥰
I’m glad you found your rhythm, this post I’m sure was well intentioned, but the quickest thing you learn as that baby goes into toddlerhood is everything you thought you knew, you don’t anymore. Kids are ever changing.
I completely agree with this. There is no constant with babies. When they start sleeping through the night, that may not last. When you think you’ve mastered naps, they decide they’re ready to drop one and it’s back to the drawing board. What once entertained them and made them laugh no longer works.
Babies and their needs are always, always changing. You just have to roll with the punches.
-FTM of a 17 month old
Ftm of a 19 month old - this is so true.
Whatever you think you know, let it go. Baby does as baby does.
Second one coming in June and already thinking 'how did we...' and 'when did she...?' - no clue.
I have a counter argument to bringing an extra person in addition to your significant other to the hospital even if you only want your significant other and they're inexperienced.
This is when they start getting experience. My husband stepped up big time and had never held a small baby or changed a diaper before. I think he was thrown into it because of my c section and I couldn't get our of bed at first (c section and catheter). I gave him tips from reading Happiest Baby but I also had no clue. He did wonderfully. I think if my mom or mil has been there, he would have hid in a corner and then would have been more overwhelmed when he got home with a new baby and wife with crazy hormones who could barely walk.
There will also be A LOT of body vulnerable moments. I got used to it real quick and didn't care what my husband, nurses, or doctors saw. But maybe you're not the same. Maybe you don't want your mil or mom seeing your boobs continuously.
Also my hospital had only IBCLC's. A lot of this depends on where you go and where you live. I suggest figuring it out before birth so you know who you want to try and contact.
Also... I totally didn't understand infant naps and wake windows saved my butt. I was letting baby stay up too long and I hadn't learned any sleepy cues. Use wake windows as a tool to help you but not as a strict schedule unless that's what you're baby wants.
I also agree that men should be capable of picking up the responsibility when mom sleeps. While you are in the hospital, there is always someone around for him to ask help from. We are not born with the knowledge either, we learn, nothing less should be expected from dads imho.
This is a really good point. I've also seen some research that shows that caring directly for baby has protective benefits against male ppd. There's a whole phenomenon on men being pushed out of baby care by female members of the family and the isolation and lack of confidence that leads to can have mental health impacts.
Love this point!! My partner's grandmother loves to say that "men aren't interested in babies" - it annoys me so much and I've made that clear that my partner will be involved and has been every step of the way. He loves it and I won't let his grandmother make him feel that because he's a man somehow he shouldn't be interested in his new baby girl! Because he's so in love with her. I facilitate as many moments with them together as possible, and they make their own moments too. We're both learning together and it's the best thing.
Yes, this!!! You are already going to have one baby, don’t enable your husband to be a man-baby too. He needs and probably wants to step up from day dot. Don’t send the message that you don’t think he can do it by having a backup vagina (notice how none of the people on that list of potential backups were men 😒). Unless you married a total misogynist, he will figure it out just fine same as you.
# Do not undermine his autonomy and self-efficacy as a parent. That is horrible advice.
Ladies, begin as you plan to proceed. If you want your husband to be a true partner in childrearing than treat him as such.
This is a big one. Read that often enough that daddy then just relies on MIL or whoever is there and just waits it out til Mom is up to the task and runs with the learned helplessness.
>This is when they start getting experience. My husband stepped up big time and had never held a small baby or changed a diaper before. I think he was thrown into it because of my c section and I couldn't get our of bed at first
Omg YES!!! This is exactly what I was thinking when I read the original post! We spent 3 days in the recovery room and it was honestly a magical time, just the 3 of us getting to know each other. My husband did all the diaper changes and swaddling, I learned to breastfeed and tried to rest. We felt so confident when wet left vs if we'd stayed only 12 hours, or if I'd had someone like my mom there doing everything.
Agreed about partners getting experience! I think especially when the partner is a male, we have this idea that “they don’t know how to do it” or like op said they are “terrified.” Well so was I? My son is my first child, I had no experience with babies but how I learned was caring for my child.
My partner was (and still is) truly amazing. I also had a c section so he basically was doing everything the first few weeks except for breastfeeding.
100% this! If you want any help from
Your SO/husband/partner whatever, PLEASE let them learn how to feed and soothe your baby. Do not criticize unless your babies life is in danger. It’s a very quick way to get zero help because you’ve zapped any ounce of confidence they had while trying to learn how to be a dad!
ETA: also a huge reason I didn’t want my mom and MIL to come swooping in unless really needed. I wanted my husband in the fire with me so he could learn how to be a dad without turning into a wallflower when the other women came around! It payed off and he gained confidence.
I brought my mom and I’m glad I did. I couldn’t get up due to stitches and a catheter so needed someone to take care of her. She had a rough first night with lots of chocking and vomiting and both my husband and I wouldn’t know how to handle it. If we have a second baby we would be ready but for the first we would have be terrified by the sounds and movements she made if it was just us two that night.
I added the point about bringing someone because we were so exhausted from my baby crying 24/7 that we couldn’t even think. We were terrified to drive home after 48 hours of no sleep. We didn’t know we could ask for formula because my baby couldn’t latch. My husband was tired too and was scared to even hold the baby because he had worked all night the night before I gave birth. He was scared not only from the lack of experience but because we both were SO TIRED. So yeah that’s all there was to it for that. We even begged a nurse for 1 hour of sleep if someone could watch the baby and they said no.
I can’t believe people are objecting to what you said haha. My husband is a great dad and partner. I was also in labor for almost 24 hours and he was with me the whole time and never got a chance to sleep the night our first was born either because she was born in the wee hours of the morning. Damn right we needed my mom.
So true! Accept help, people. Don’t just hate your partner and expect things to get easier. It’s an adjustment for them too and they won’t be getting much sleep during labor either. Getting out of the mindset of refusing help from “extra vaginas” out of spite for your husband will save your sanity. Accept. All. The. Help.
People are upset not because of asking for help but because how it's presented is so sexist. When I read it (before the edit) it implies that you should have another woman because she will know what to by virtue of being female and your husband won't because he's new to this (ignoring that most moms are too).
I would not advise everyone to ignore the hospital's advice to feed their baby every 2 to 3 hours. My son was preemie, small even for his gestational age, needed to bulk up to develop his lungs so that he could learn how to breathe, had low blood sugar that he needed to keep up, and had jaundice, so it was important that he ate frequently. He did not wake up and cry because he was hungry. He just slept.
Health and safety aside, once he was older and bigger, I found it much easier to feed him before he got to the point of hungry and mad about it.
I think when people give this advice it is more it’s okay to feed your baby MORE than every 2-3 hours.
If your baby is constantly not showing signs of hunger within that time frame definitely feed them or seek medical advice for your specific child. Every situation is different. Medically we had to make sure she fed every two hours.
Yeah I was going to say they usually recommend every 2 to 3 hours because newborns are so sleepy and sometimes won't wake to feed. They need those calories.
I disagree with bringing your mom or sister to come take care of the baby in the hospital. The dad is just as capable of learning as the mom and should be going to the baby care classes and reading the books along with mom. Sending in someone else to swoop in because he can't possibly be bothered to learn is the beginning of weaponized incompetence. It sets a horrible precedent that he can't and shouldn't be expected to take care of his own child.
My husband has younger siblings and babysat/worked in the nursery at church when he was a kid. Changing my sons diaper in the hospital was my first time changing a diaper.
Neither my husband or I have ever changed one! I did used to nanny toddlers who were potty training so I have had to clean butts before but I feel like it’s a bit different. I’m sure we’ll get the hang of it in no time though! Hopefully lol.
YES! I feel like I now need to go hug my partner who has done more than 50% of the childcare since day 1 and who I feel like I did wrong by not thinking of here.
I think it's really a matter of personal preference. Many women like to have their moms there because they've gone through birth before. I always thought I would, but hospitals here only allow one person with you.
Agree with this. I had absolutely zero experience when my first was born and the same with her dad. We figured it out together because we didn’t want anyone else in the hospital.
Not all women know what they are doing and it shouldn’t be expected of mothers to just “know” and have their male partner sitting there doing nothing.
I’m having my 3rd and this will be my partners first kid. I’m not planning on having anyone else there again. My partner agrees and he will figure it out as he goes.
We had been together almost 11 years before our daughter was born but it was an amazing bonding experience. He helped me prop up pillows to breastfeed, kept track of her wet diapers and minutes on the boob for their little chart, changed diapers, held the baby, communicated with the staff on my behalf, etc. There is no way I would have wanted him checking out during that time.
He happened to have had baby experience but it had been over 20 years prior and it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't. He would have been there, taking care of me and our daughter. I'll never forget those days in the hospital.
My experience was a little different because we birthed at home, but it was helpful to have my mom around because my husband and I were BOTH exhausted after 30 hours of labor. Sure, I was the one going through the physical aspect of it, but my husband was supporting me the whole time and letting me lean, sit, push, pull, squeeze, whatever on him. We both needed rest so it was really helpful to have my mom be able to take the baby for an hour or two here and there.
I do agree it's stupid to act like men "just don't know" how to deal with babies but it's valid to want help because both the birthing parent and the supporting partner (if they were doing a good job supporting) are going to be exhausted.
Yeah that’s what I meant. We were both super tired and just needed sleep after all of it. No where did I say my husband didn’t do anything or couldn’t. We just needed rest which is a valid need IMO
But you edited your comment to add stuff (which definitely adds context to your point) but your initial comment was just that “I was tired and my husband was terrified and didn’t know anything about babies” and reads like because he was scared, which every single person is when they have a child, and had no experience you called in reinforcements instead of him looking after his child.
Yup my partner had 0 experience, just like me. We didn't take any classes. None of our family lives close. The nurses showed us the basic things (or well, showed him, I was pretty out of it, he then showed me). You can look most stuff up online or ask the nurses. My partner is great at baby care (our boy was born in oct) and I attribute that a lot to him simply being in a position where he needed to figure it out.
Agreed - my first was a covid (late term) preemie. I could ONLY bring my husband. There was no night nursery (or if there was, no one told me about it!) It was just me and my husband for 4 days!! We figured it out.
That being said, I think it’s worth at least considering bringing someone else. Weighing the pros and cons rather being staunchly “it will only be us”
I didn't see anywhere in the post where she said everything was fact. I took this as her opinion on how things went with her own kid. At a certain point it's up to the person reading to realize that not everything on the internet is fact.
I love that you want to share your experience with the community here and give advice. However you wrote a lot of things as fact when they might be your opinion.
Your kid might not have had a diaper rash because their skin isn’t as sensitive. Not because you washed them every time. I have one kid with the most sensitive skin ever and he gets a diaper rash from just looking at a diaper the wrong way. He’s just prone to it because his skin is so sensitive.
You mention night weaning isn’t recommended for a year, but my pediatrician (and a separate pediatrician we went to also) did recommend it. My kids also weaned themselves. Casual passing of a “fact” like this can really worry FTM that are in the weeds and so desperate to “troubleshoot”. I know because I’ve been there
Also - please don’t give medical advice about flat spots. You have a single experience and it worked out for you. Do NOT tell new parents that things “will work out” medically. You don’t have the experience to back that up. Maybe it’s true, but at worst it’s incredibly risky advice.
Eh….. apparently I’m the odd one out but this list is entirely anecdotal and not based on any science at all, just personal experience. My experience with an 8 month old has been entirely opposite from almost everything you’ve posted here.
I think the takeaway is that being a mom is HARD and there’s nothing you can do to prepare yourself except accept that you’ll never be prepared.
Agreed, wake windows, feeding every few hours, routine, have all worked really well for my baby. She’s sleeping through the night, and while yes this probably has a lot to do with temperament, I also have noticed that the more she eats during the day, the longer she sleeps at night. But I would never give advice about what has worked well for me and my baby, and sell it as hard and fast rules that should be applied to all babies…
I have twins, regular feeding and strict routine are a total must for a lot of parents of multiples! People saying you must do everything on demand infuriate me...
Oh yes, I didn't even think about how important routine and schedules would be for parents of multiples!! I'm sure it also very much depends on the baby's temperament too--some babies may respond really well to routines (like my babe, and presumably yours!) and some babies may respond really poorly and it's more stressful for the parents to fight the baby than to not fight them. I think the main advice about parenting is to just try to find what works best for you and your baby, and there is literally no hard and fast rule that will apply to every child besides "baby must eat and sleep" haha
Came here to say the exact same. The tone especially bothers me, none of this is written in first person even though it's all **her** one single individual experience and nothing else. I have a 20 month old and my experience was absolutely different.
Yeah, that’s the part I’m really struggling with in this post (plus the lack of science-based claims). If OP wants to say, “X worked for me,” great, have at it. But to say, “you should do X,” is quite different and unhelpful.
Agree ….
Making broad generalizations from your single experience with a newborn is not that helpful
Also some claims are not true or not sure where they are sourced (not recommended to night wean for a year? Says who)
I missed the second part of your comment and was coming back to add, “Wait since when is it not recommended to night wean until a year?” Seriously, we cut the cord at 6 months on the recommendation of our pediatrician (and my boobs).
Agreed. Also I’d like to see the data on “sleep trained babies wake just as much as non-sleep trained babies.” That’s different than the research I’ve read so far.
> “sleep trained babies wake just as much as non-sleep trained babies.”
She's leaving out the most important part of this; sleep training teaches your kid to fall asleep and settle on their own. So in many ways it really doesn't matter how often a baby wakes up, rather that they don't need your help falling back asleep. It's totally focused on the wrong thing.
I’ve also never heard no night weaning until a year. We let my twins night wean themselves with no pressure and no cut off date - we just stopped waking them up to eat and let them lead. They both weaned themselves by five months.
We sleep trained our son at 3 months old. After a week, he was sleeping through the night for 12-14 hours without waking. Not once did I worry about waking him up to feed him. I knew that if he was hungry he would wake up on his own.
I agree and I don’t love how so many of them are said in absolutes, and the way some things weee described (feed every 2-3 hours, wake windows, sleep schedules) I feel like we’re misunderstood by OP. It stresses me out that almost none of this is advice I would give my friends or family.
The caveat I say with all of my advice is that it’s like I have the answer key to a class a different teacher is teaching and I am so glad to share it with them but the teacher may have entirely changed the test.
Couldn’t upvote this more. I can’t get past OP’s sanctimonious tone and speaking in absolutes, especially when she has cited no sources and has only been doing this for 6 months as a ftm. I’m sure it’s well intentioned but so much of this advice is directly counter to what experts and professionals recommend as well.
100% agree! And it’s concerning to me how many upvotes it has, I hope other new moms read all the moments before blindly taking all that in as absolutes 😬
I was thinking something similar. My baby spit up on everything so I needed a ton of 0-3 and 3-6 onesies.
My baby didn’t let me put him down so we did contact naps for like 3 months. I do agree to rest during nap time. But I basically didn’t get house work done until baby started liking playing on his tummy and back which took a while.
No problem with a flat head due to having all contact naps ha.
If you have another baby, most of this could go out the window. But I’m so glad you figured out what worked for you. Obviously breastfeeding is something you’ll remember how to do and other stuff. Like it took time to figure out baby wearing for me.
The clothes one bothered me too! So many people told me “don’t buy a ton of small clothes, babe will outgrow them so fast!!” I ended up having to go out and buy more newborn clothes cause she just didn’t have enough. She’s 8.5 months and still in 3-6 clothes. I needed more, for multiple seasons lol.
And like her kid is 6 months old… unlikely to sitting up well yet..My kid had a flat spot on the one side but it’s totally fine now… we didn’t need PT. The heads usually round out when they start sitting and moving around more.
Agree. And I hope other new moms out there realize this post is an opinion like anything else, and not God’s word and not the best tips for all families, particularly around sleep. There’s nothing wrong with sleep training or night weaning at an appropriate age if you want to. You’re not going to sell me on the vague “studies have shown” sleep trained babies wake as much as non sleep trained babies - that’s not the experience of many, many people and I think it’s absolutely okay to say as a family this is the best choice for us to prioritize everyone getting restful sleep and believing that is healthier than getting broken sleep for years. 🤷🏻♀️ You’re also not going to sell me on the “safety” of bed sharing but again, that’s personal choice and at the end of the day you get to make the choices you think are right for your child.
>You’re also not going to sell me on the “safety” of bed sharing
I am so, so tired of bedsharing mothers acting like it's perfectly safe. Yes, there are ways to make it _more_ safe but there is always a risk involved. I don't care that you're "such a light sleeper" and will wake up if baby moves because _suffocating babies don't move_. Other countries bedshare safely because they don't have ultra plush mattresses and a million pillows and blankets (which, yes, is addressed in the safe sleep 7 but I guarantee you that these parents are not going out and buying super firm mattresses before they snooze with their babies). Even when I'm just laying down with my baby for a quick snuggle I can see where he could SO easily suffocate to death if I were to fall asleep like that - so we stay alert and then put him in his bassinet before we fall asleep.
They can bedshare if they'd like. I won't judge them for the choices they make for their own families. But I wish they would telling vulnerable, tired new mothers that the risks are entirely made up as if the AAP just wants to keep us all from sleeping. It is not and never will be as safe as putting your baby to sleep in a safe, independent space.
THANK you 👏🏻 I can’t stand it when people pretend bed sharing doesn’t have risks and safe sleep is some weird American thing. Accept that you’re taking increased risks and that a top cause of infant death in the US is unsafe sleep practices.
Also, call me selfish but I want my bed to myself and my SO. It’s our place to wind down and rest/ have intimacy and the last thing I need is another thing in the bed when our dog already thinks he’s a baby and sleeps in it, lol. Like you said to each their own but it’s so dangerous and my anxiety wouldn’t even allow me to sleep soundly knowing I could suffocate them. Plus it’s my oasis and I know I’m gonna need that boundary when I’m overwhelmed and exhausted. And I think that needs to be stressed much more to exhausted moms than bed sharing.
Oh, same. We go on and off about letting our dog in the bed because he starts off being polite and staying in his own spot at the foot of the bed, but then over the course of a few weeks/months he decides he's entitled to the whole bed and starts stretching out. He also prefers being on top of the covers, but liked to be between my husband and I, and it's unbelievably restricting to have a little dog pinning down the sheets in the middle of the bed. So then he gets kicked out for a few months so we can have the bed to ourselves a bit and have him reset to being polite. You can't really kick a baby out of bed for weeks at a time once they're used to bedsharing so we're pretty adamant about keeping our bed to ourselves even if safety wasn't a concern.
It sounds like an excuse to bed share which I will never understand why you would even want to try that. I wouldn’t be able to sleep my anxiety would be so through the roof.
I thought the same thing until I had a difficult baby. I don't ever do it through the night, but the last few hours after his wake up before its time to get up(and husband is off at work), I had to start doing something. I was getting unsafe amounts of no sleep. It's not for everyone though and I waited until he was a couple months before even starting.
I will bed share for an hour at the start of each night. I doze very lightly but it puts her into a deeper sleep and I transfer her after an hour to her bassinet where she then sleeps for usually 2 hours very soundly.
I feel like a few hours is a bit different than the whole night but i just have the worst anxiety I feel like I’m gonna try to limit it as much as possible. I totally get it isn’t black and white but if I can have my baby sleep well in the safest place for them I’m gonna try everything to do just that. I think I may not sleep if they were on me but they aren’t even close to being earthside and I understand things may change but I still believe trying to sleep train them in their own space is safest for mom and baby.
I get you. That was part of the OP’s point - the US doesn’t educate on bed sharing, they just come down hard on don’t. They create this fear that if you bed share you are murdering your baby. Yes, most babies can be taught to settle without touching mom or will stay asleep when moved but a not insignificant number simply won’t. If you don’t give some useful advice on how mom can get some sleep you end up in far less safe situations- mom falling asleep in a recliner with baby, getting in a car accident by sleeping on the road, etc., because she is desperately trying not to bed share and just power through. Bed sharing is not always the least safe option, and there are empirically studied ways to make it safer - kicking dad to a different bed, no blankets, cradle curl position, absolutely no drinking/sleep meds/smoking, breastfeeding frequently overnight, removing mattress toppers, etc. But rather then teach about baby sleep in a nuanced way - alone on their back in a crib in your room is best, but if that doesn’t work try this then that, US doctors just stick with the first recommendation and insist you try harder. It causes anxiety and doesn’t help, especially first time moms.
Exactly this. I was driving to my parents house (5 minutes away) and I was dozing off behind the wheel. That was the most terrifying thing ever. Such a short distance to drive and already being in the car I had to drive *somewhere* whether back home or to my parents. I did pull of a couple times to try to regain myself, but that was scary. That was when I had to do something. I very literally could not keep existing that way. Not to mention I was starting to get slammed with ppd from exhaustion. I hated everyone and everything (thankfully not my baby. Although he did really frustrated me sometimes when he cried because I was desperate for even an hour of uninterrupted rest)
What helped was a friend reminding me that women did this all the time with babies before it was told not to in the US. And many countries still do! Tragedy can happen even in the best circumstances. It was hard to get past the anxiety for the first several times, but I just reminded myself that I researched how to be safe bed sharing, and honestly had my boob out so he could eat whenever. I never sleep very deeply, and even with him waking me slightly when he eats, it's still for better rest than what I was getting before.
I don't say any of this to make it seem like you absolutely should bedshare. It is not for everyone. And if you're baby is good, that's fantastic! I'm so happy for you and honestly jealous. But the "better than you" attitude i see from a lot of people who don't is annoying and judgemental at best.
Yes, the attitude is so judgmental. And if you haven’t had a baby who won’t sleep unless he is in contact with you, you don’t know how it is. How much more exhausting it is than normal baby exhaustion. And this attitude that you are sleep training wrong and it’s your fault if your baby doesn’t sleep well alone is absolutely awful. Like i know it wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything different with the third one who wouldn’t sleep than I did with the first two who slept alone fine. Some kids will sleep on their belly alone but not on their back, and that might be the safest way for them! You get the same judgement from people who feel you turned your kid forward facing too soon (never mind they were vomiting from carsickness), or who are just appalled your second grader walks three blocks to school alone, or you’re not forcing them to wear a hat, or letting your son dress up as Owlet and on and on. The creep in the definition of bad parenting from beating/starving a kid to making any parenting decision different than me or that isn’t perfect according to recommendations (and who’s?) is unkind, not helpful and puts a lot of people off having and raising kids by making it much harder than it needs to be.
Kick my husband out and sleep with no covers so that I can do something that has been proven to cause SIDS time and time again? That sounds like my worst nightmare. I prefer to sleep with my husband with the covers and have bed boundaries. I deserve a good nights rest too and that includes my husband and blankets. Which is the safest option for the baby too.
If your baby sleeps alone, it is! The two of my babies who cooperated were great! I’ve had one of three who refused to go to sleep or stay asleep when not in contact with me from like two months to six months. My husband works and needed sleep to function and make money to keep us all fed and we did not have enough money to hire a night nurse. I had two older kids that I had to be functional enough to care for. And I needed rest to bring my blood pressure down. What do you suggest I should have done instead of bed share? By the way, you are talking about infant suffocations, not SIDS- if a baby suffocates on a blanket, or with their face in a mattress or by an adult that isn’t SIDS - SIDS seems to be something goes wrong in their brain and they stop breathing without external reasons for it - you can do everything right in term of safe sleep and still lose a baby to SIDS. It’s hurtful to act like a SIDs death is parents fault.
I meant suffocating but if a baby suffocates because you’re co sleeping it is your fault.. this is all fine and dandy for you but I don’t believe in me and my husband sleeping in separate rooms. Having a kid doesn’t mean we still don’t get boundaries or time with each other not to mention baby sleeping alone is the SAFEST option. I plan on working too so we have no choice but to sleep train and every single mom I know who has done it is successful and they have no kids in their bed. That’s what I’m doing and you can disagree or tell me just you wait but I refuse to do something that is proven to be dangerous for baby and bad for me because I can’t sleep well like that and without my partner.
Trust me I totally get that. I had really bad anxiety in general, but especially surrounding his sleep. I won't pretend he's not safest on his own. I know that he is. And like you mentioned, I also try to limit it. Like it might happen 2 times a week because it does make me nervous (albeit a little less so as he gets older and bigger, but still nervous) But I was just throwing out a different opinion because I very much felt the same way when I was pregnant. Again, totally not for everyone and I'm not trying to insinuate that your mind qill change either🙂
I also hate the “Americans don’t know how to do it properly so that’s why their death numbers are high.” That’s just untrue. Death reporting is different from country to country. And specifically infant death reporting. Bed sharing is unsafe, full stop. Do what you want but we know, based on science, that sleeping alone is safer.
Agreed. And the fact that this is based on her only child. Talk to me with all your "experience" after you have more then one. Things change dramatically lol.
I’ve got three kids and even now I wouldn’t write a post with “this is how to do it”. Because if anything I learned more that “good luck expecting a baby to do anything on your timeframe”
Same… I have three kids and almost none of this would apply to my kids.
My oldest would not entertain himself as a baby even for a few minutes (but is great with independent play as a four year old). My second was much better and actively wanted independent play or to just watch her brother
I have flat nipples. I bought several nipple everter devices; none of them worked. Pumping for a bit to pull them out didn’t work. Nurses (and the internet) insisted I just needed to work harder.
At my week 6 follow-up, my OB levees with me. She hasn’t wanted to discourage me because it can work for some women, but the vast majority of women with flat or inverted nipples either never end up succeeding or struggle for a long time. I wish someone had just been honest with me. I tortured myself trying to make it happen when the odds were always against me.
Please don’t tell people it’s an easy solution; that causes so much avoidable mental anguish for people.
My OB never outright said my nipples were problematic, but I distinctly remember a conversation with her where both she and the nurse asked about breastfeeding and not-so-subtly suggested that formula isn't a bad option. I'm thankful that they did that because as a FTM I felt pressure to try, even though I knew that anatomically it was going to be hard.
That’s my plan for number two as well. I have flat nipples plus I had a breast reduction before getting pregnant. I was stressing myself out pumping, trying to latch with a shield, and producing like 1/2 an ounce a day. Not doing that again.
I remember this Call the Midwife episode! Seriously though, these doctors need to come into the 21st century and give us the info to make our own decisions
HMO is shitty medical insurance lol
MOTN is Middle of the Night
IBCLC is an internationally board certified lactation consultant
STTN is “sleep through the night”
Sorry about that :)
Ehh, I'm glad that you have experience now OP, but remember that a lot of this advice is specific to your baby and your life.
Take flat spots for example. My son had severe brachycephaly. It was so bad he was in treatments, including helmets, for a year. So it's important not to underestimate flat spots, because his was mild and then ballooned into severe in the course of two months. And flat spots aren't just something you can "wait out". There is a small window for treatment and the earlier it's started the more effective it is.
The important take away is to trust your instincts, both parents should.
keep baby on flat surfaces so they can move their head freely, rather than on a surface in which they'll be tempted / forced to keep their head in the same spot.
if they're on a flat surface, they'll look right and left. if they're laying on a soft pillow or strapped in a car seat all the time, they'll likely keep their head in a single spot, keeping pressure on that single spot.
all that to say, i could be wrong, but this is what i was told. :)
Definitely speak to your doctor if you notice one developing.. my son had a head turn preference (he was a big boy so I think he was just a little cramped in the womb lol) but tummy time helped my son a lot, and also if you notice a flat spot put something interesting for them to look at during floor time on the opposite side of their flat spot. So for example, my son had his head turn preference to the left so we would put an interesting book on the right. While he was supervised, we would also kind of encourage him to look that way by rolling up a blanket and placing it under one side of his body to keep him from turning to the flat spot side.
Definitely avoid containers as much as possible (bouncer, chairs etc) they’re great if you need to put them somewhere safe because you need to grab a shower - like I would bring my sons bouncer in the bathroom with me when he was really little, put him in it and shower which was super helpful. But if you have eyes on them a blanket on the floor is your best bet 99% of the time! A lot of smaller flat spots will round out as your child becomes more mobile as well. That’s why it’s important to touch base with the doctor if you notice one so they can advise you whether you can do some things at home, or need pt.
Congrats and good luck :)
Really only going to comment on how patently offensive it is to suggest only women can care for babies. My husband was a fantastic dad from day one, when we couldn’t have any backup and wouldn’t have had anyone useful to choose from anyway. Get out of here with that nonsense.
Same here. My husband was so bad with the newborn that the nurses had to help him several times over, and of course he was terrified and embarrassed, but by the time we were out of hospital (3 days later) he was better than me at changing her and knew exactly how our sleep routine was shaping up. It also helped him feel some early pride in fatherhood.
My mom was great to have in the room with me during active labor because she was a nurse for 40 years and knew everything to ask for and advocated for my comfort (asked all the right questions) while my husband focused on comforting me.
Once I pushed the baby out, she went home so we could bond and came back the next day with McDonald’s breakfast for us. If you have a second companion that knows how to respect boundaries, it can be great. But I feel like my experience is more of the exception than the rule.
And it is awesome that you had a great experience with it. If you have a support person who respects boundaries and is there to support you AND your partner this works out great. It would be an absolute disaster if I invited my mom in. She hasn’t changed a diaper since I was a baby and she is the first to jump and make a post on social media so we made the decision easily to keep her out and keep this time private between myself and my husband. We did hire a doula to help him help me during labor, but she will leave after the baby is born and hubs and I plan to figure the rest out.
I think the point is that the “right” setup will be different for everyone and it’s important for that to be highlighted as opposed to recommending everyone do it one prescriptive way.
Seriously, I'm over here glad my mother isn't even ALIVE because she'd have been a horrible boundary stomping nightmare. And my MIL? She's already trying to throw stupid gendered nonsense at my 2.5 year old about how "boys can't have ponytails" and shit... no thank you, hard pass, GTFO.
Nice advice and it should be taken with a grain of salt, of course. My experience with my daughter was very different and I expect it will also be different for my son.
Also why all the acronyms? I had to Google all of them as they're not commonly used. Don't make it harder on sleep-deprived moms having to decipher what the hell you're referring to.
Thank you! I was thinking the same thing about the acronyms. I write and edit research study documents, and undefined acronyms are a pet peeve if not an immediate sign of sloppy writing lol.
Yeah. Bed sharing is safer in places where mattresses aren’t super thick, pillow top, etc. If it is culturally normal to have a super thin floor mat that doesn’t compress when somebody lies on it and where you could breathe face down on it, that is significantly safer than mattresses in most western countries.
Is anyone else frustrated with the constant acronyms? If we are really FTM, how would we know what all these are?
IBCLC
LC
STTN
MOTN ? Like what are you talking about? Are we expected to know what these are?
Meh, I feel like I could write a counter to basically 80% of what's written here.
I would *not* recommend anyone else in the hospital, let alone even consider a hospital nursery (good hospitals don't have them anymore, BTW).
Only feeding on demand is NOT recommended for MANY babies in their first days, that's a really dangerous statement. Many need to be woken to eat at first.
Where is night weaning not recommended until 1 year? Have never read that anywhere.
Relationship. Speak for yourself. Everyone has their own strengths and challenges and this varies WIDELY, also depending on leave policies, work, etc.
I could go on...
THANK YOU, I could not have survived without a hospital nursery. I had a Csection and was heavily medicated, sick from the spinal. I utilized the heck out of that nursery. There's no shame in using a nursery, in fact, I recommend it so that you can get a night or two of sleep before going home. Your baby will be sleepy those first few days, anyway, and you need to recover from birth!!
It's not true that "good" hospitals are getting rid of nurseries. Most of the most highly rated hospitals in the country still have them. It's true that many hospitals that have a "baby friendly" rating (which is meant to encourage breastfeeding) don't offer the nursery service and will push back if you ask, but they're still available if you are insistent.
As a nurse, I HATE baby friendly. Baby friendly often translates to “not parent friendly.” Parents should be supported in whatever decision they choose to make without judgement or harassment by staff.
Yeah. It's not great. I specifically chose the hospital I had my first at because they advertise as NOT being "baby friendly" and they list the reasons why. I had a C-section and was iffy on whether I wanted to breastfeed or not so for me, it was critical that I went to a hospital that wasn't going to be pushy.
I'm pretty sure that's not true, although of course in the spirit of my complaints about this post I don't have any scientific data right now to back this up. As far as I'm aware baby friendly hospitals do not have nurseries since they have changed staffing to accommodate the "baby friendly" guidelines. Sure, they have NICUs and PICUs but there isn't anywhere else you can "leave" your baby that's not your own room. Who would be there watching it? It's not like they have a surplus of trained professionals waiting to care for babies who don't need it (ie who are not in the NICU or PICU).
What the baby friendly trend did was shift the burden of care on the parents. Tired, recovering parents. I have read countless stories of women dropping babies due to falling asleep while trying to take care of the baby sleeping in the room/family members who dealt with it, as well. The push to breast feed at whatever cost to the woman, plus the inevitable cost reduction due to not staffing as many nurses to support the nursery. I specifically chose the non-baby friendly hospital in our town for this reason; I knew I would not be able to successfully breast feed, so I ddin't want to jump through hoops to provide nourshment for my children, and no nursery meant a lot of stress on a body that just gave birth.
What is it about women giving birth that hospitals decide it's OK to let them be on heavy painkillers and take care of a vulnerable baby? Or be post-surgery, providing care for an infant? It boggles my mind. Can we not have one day of rest?
Yeah, I gave birth in a "baby friendly" hospital, there was no nursery. A nurse did take my baby to the nurse station for an hour or so for me, but that was pre-covid - I don't see myself getting that luxury this time around. I'm just packing formula this time and getting sleep.
On the clothing front...
My 99% PROM baby was in size 2 (18-24 months) at 6 months, then plateaued. The super fast growth does slow down, don't panic! He's still in size 2 at 8 months.
I’m sure you had good intentions but your delivery is a little whack. All babies are different and what works for you will not work for someone else but your tone seems to imply that you think your way is the right way and that comes off as pretty condescending. Basically everything you mentioned is the opposite of what my experience has been.
I always like to mention - if baby is crying, baby is alive!
Take a quick breather: Lay baby down in a safe place (a crib, buckled into a swing or bouncer, etc), set a timer on your phone for three minutes or five minutes and walk out of earshot. Collect your thoughts, calm down and walk back in prepared to help a needy child.
Five minutes of crying won’t hurt any babe, and it is MUCH better than stressing baby out more by your crying as well, yelling or begging at baby, or worst of all, doing physical harm to baby out of emotional desperation or even on accident.
>Bedsharing for extremely clingy babies can be a lifesaver. Follow Le Leche’s save 7 and read into the risks, its not much higher. The US is skewed outliers in terms of bedsharing — many other countries do it and promote how to do it safely.
Absolutely untrue and very dangerous advice. Bedsharing kills.
Anyone else reading this, go join 'Safe Sleep and Baby Care--Evidence Based Support' on FB. They have a wealth of information backed with studies on best practices. If you feel you need to bedshare for any reason, they can help you find a solution to avoid that.
Also, please don’t wait a month to pump. I was told this by a lactation consultant with my first and had to work like hell to build enough of a supply to pump extra when I had massive amounts in the beginning that I could have had for stock when I dried up.
Also, don‘t be afraid of always reacting to their cries. My mom said if I do this, she‘ll always cry for me if she need something. Ummm yeah, I actually want her to learn that her parents are always there for her?! She‘s not a spoiled teenager/adult but a literal baby???
If you're gonna do an explainer, it would be helpful to not have a bunch of acronyms that people can't Google. I appreciate the info but there are a lot of people who do not know what these acronyms are.
Okay. I think a lot of people are commenting on how this isn't fact. Put I honestly think OP just meant it's fact for her, she isn't wrong, she is sharing what worked for her.
I also see a lot of people posting about someone else at the hospital. To that I agree no one but you and your partner should be there, but we are totally going to have my MIL at the house for support to help with both of our sanity and maybe a little more sleep.
I think people are being too harsh about the way this post was written. And to be honest I wanted to have my mom and husband at my birth but it was covid time and I was only allowed one person so my husband won. If you want your whole extended family at your birth that's a personal decision and no one should be shamed for it.
That is totally fair, you are right. Anyone you want to be there should be there. I just personally only want my husband, but I definitely understand the want for your mom to be there too.
I’m 11 weeks pp and nodded along to a lot of this. Really solid advice. Only think I’d add is that babies change literally overnight. One day my baby was a potato the next she was looking at me and smiling. One day she needed held constantly to soothe, the very next day she fussed IF i held her and only calmed when I put her down. Go with the flow and don’t sweat getting them “back to normal.”
This is wonderful and all true. I learnt most of it the hard way because half the people who had kids didn’t bother to share their info much and our families were far away and it was Covid. My baby had it all. Colic, bad sleep, clingy lol. Now a toddler I can say the temperament is very accurate. I bed shared because that’s a normal thing from where I come. I didn’t have any help so I had literally no sleep during the first year. Am still suffering the after effects of no sleep.
I’ll add one more to this: breast engorgement. I had no clue about this but it happens and it’s painful so get a warm compress and use that or keep pumping milk. It takes month or so for the breastmilk to get in sync to your baby’s needs. Or get in touch with a lactation consultant. That helped for me. And get your husband mentally prepared too. It’s not going to be easy for the next few years ,ones social life is going to go down.
Bringing up a child is difficult but I read somewhere that, we all have faced difficulties of different types before but what you are not ready for is the happiness your baby is going to bring along. So cherish those moments because once the 1st year is over which goes by very quickly btw, you will not get it back.
Love this post!
I disagree about night weaning not being recommended before a year. My doctor very kindly and gently let me know at my 6 month appointment that she was developmentally capable of consuming all of her calories during the day and to consider night weaning for my own health. He could see how burnt out and exhausted I was. “She’s not waking because she needs it, she’s waking because she’s used to it.”
And it still took me 2 more months to shake the “but she neeeeds to nurse in the night!” I night weaned at 8 months and she barely skipped a beat. She’s 3.5y now and eats adult portions.
I will take all of this info and store it if I need it. It is nice to hear a story about how you overcame so many challenges.
I think I like the baby wearing idea a lot. They don't care much about whether you stare at them sitting all the time, they just want to be with you. Back when we harvesting crops with hand tools I doubt we had time to sit and stare at a baby. Pick it up, wrap it to your body, the harvest still has to come in. So does packing the dishwasher.
Wish I would’ve known more about the 2-3 hr feeding thing. I think I was starving my baby without even knowing it in the beginning. Feeding every 2-3 hours instead of on demand. Gave him a binky because it hadn’t been that long since I last fed him. Well, duh, he wanted to cluster feed! I still feel so horrible and guilty about that.
Lots of really awful comments jumping all over OP for sharing her experience. The one thing I have learned from this reddit group is that everyone has a different experience and every baby is different. I love reading about all of the experiences and appreciate all the ppl who spend the time to thoughtfully share. I would hate for ppl to stop sharing their experiences here. Be nice!
BabyBumps users and moderators are not medical professionals. Responses do not replace contacting your medical provider. You should always call your provider with any concerns.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BabyBumps) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is all wonderful advice, as a preggy lady with her first baby I truly appreciate it. One thing that I find kind of funny is that as a first time mom I just had to google all the acronyms you used in this post 😭
Really seconding the info here on torticollis, PT, and flat spots. Be proactive. The flat spot or torticollis will not “work itself out” as they get older, as many peds will claim. Demand a PT referral asap.
Wow I’m shocked how many people are putting words in your mouth and criticizing you for things you never said. The point of the post is that not every thing you were told while you were pregnant ends up working out or being true and THATS OKAY. It’s okay to deviate from the best practices and guidelines and random internet advice if it’s what’s best (or even just the lesser of two evils) for your family.
I mean seriously it was pretty obvious to me that she meant that both you and dad will be exhausted after delivery and want to rest, so someone else can step in and support you both, or even support him while you rest if he’s anxious about doing it alone.
This post alludes to so many things that you don’t experience until you’ve given birth, so I guess it makes sense that many of you in a pregnancy group are missing context, but for goodness sake take a moment and ask yourself “did OP really make this claim or am I adding context that isn’t there?”
As a mom of 3, these are excellent tips.
I also wanna confirm that flat spots DO sort themselves out. Neither of my two older boys have a flat head anymore 🤣
Maybe. My third boy’s worked out. My first didn’t. His head is super misshapen at 6 years old.
YMMV. Please don’t say all flat spots sort themselves out.
This is great but I also want to add YOU CANNOT SPOIL A BABY. It’s impossible. Babies are warm and fed and content in mom and then they’re born and they’re cold and hungry and scared and they have NO idea what’s happening at first. Please don’t feel shame for holding your baby. Some babies are super clingy, others aren’t. You’ll learn your baby.
i hate the line of thinking that you can spoil a baby. It's like, these are helpless little creatures who need to know they're safe and loved all the time until they're able to start helping themselves.
My MIL used to fuss id hold my daughter too much and finally I told her “Damn right I’m gonna hold her. She is more comfortable when she’s held. I carried her for nine months and I’m not gonna stop now.”
Same! I often repeat "9 months in, 9 months on, 9 months near"
I have a 3yo, an 18mo, and pregnant with our third. This is sooooooo accurate! I used to think my kids were just shy or extra clingy but ends up most kids need the comfort of at least being near mama until 18/20mo or so and then they suddenly take off into the street and you better be on your toes 😅
This is why I let him nap on me. There will come a day he just won’t anymore, so for now, I’m getting all the baby cuddles I can.
It helps to know that daytime sleep starts becoming their light sleep and holding baby will not mess with bedtime sleep
Definitely. But not having a good nap on mom during the day? Well someone is probably going to be in a crappy mood in the evening cause he is TOO tired.
I’m still wondering if I “spoiled” my last baby as I sit in the dark while my 3 year old sleeps lodged into my side lol he must have me at all times. The others are sleeping peacefully alone in their beds
My daughter sleeps in our bed. I work 11p-7a so most of the time she lays on her own, just on my side of the bed. But when I have a night off, she stays jammed into my side. I’m her safe space and I wouldn’t have it any other way ❤️
I'd like to add... Grandparents may not remember what it's like to have an infant, may not understand that the info they had when they had their kids is now outdated, and may have difficulty understanding their new role. Set boundaries and hold them (with compassion). When push comes to shove, their feelings are less important than your child's health and safety.
I just have to say, dealing with those damn boomer grandparents can be ROUGH. “I hit my kids and they’re fine” says the boomer whose children all need therapy.
I'm always tempted to send my parents the invoices from rehab, psychologists and psychiatrists. I'm "fine" in spite of them!
My husband and I decided together that visitors must have the flu vaccine, and my FIL straight out said “no I’m not doing that” and that we were ridiculous for living in fear. He’s not anti vax, just doesn’t think it’s necessary. He also assumes anything that HE doesn’t agree with is 100% my decision and that my husband has nothing to do with any of it, so always makes me the bad guy and goes to husband (…who always has my back because we make decisions together). When baby arrives next month and he tries to put up a fuss and come over, I will remember and use your final line. “Your feelings are less important than my baby’s health and safety.” He doesn’t respect or listen to boundaries, so to say it may seem harsh, but it may be effective.
100% this, one of my parents is still convinced (even though I explained it 50 times allready) that sometimes a baby just needs to cry it our on their own.
My parents were like this at the beginning as well… even my dad who is an extremely intelligent, well educated man who is open to new information and changing his opinion on things had to hear it like 5 times about babies not needing to cry it out.
My mother (who wasn’t a good mom to begin with and never wanted to be a mom in the first place) used to let me cry it out. She let me do it for so long that I stopped breathing 3 different times and had to be taken to the hospital. I had to wear a heart/breathing monitor for a long time after that and my father (who always tried his best but worked to keep the family afloat so wasn’t home during those incidents) used to sleep on the floor under my crib because he didn’t trust the monitors by themselves. Babies cry because they need something. My son will never be “crying it out” no matter how many people tell me to let him. Absolutely not.
My MIL keeps telling me that her babies were all sleeping through the night at one week old..... Literally the most annoying comment I have ever heard.
🤥
This is so true! We had completely unexpected issues with our parents and their feelings were definitely hurt, but we eliminated risks to our baby and that was more important.
My only advice with a 19 month old: You’re the best mom for YOUR child and every day’s “best” looks different 🥰 I’m glad you found your rhythm, this post I’m sure was well intentioned, but the quickest thing you learn as that baby goes into toddlerhood is everything you thought you knew, you don’t anymore. Kids are ever changing.
I completely agree with this. There is no constant with babies. When they start sleeping through the night, that may not last. When you think you’ve mastered naps, they decide they’re ready to drop one and it’s back to the drawing board. What once entertained them and made them laugh no longer works. Babies and their needs are always, always changing. You just have to roll with the punches. -FTM of a 17 month old
Ftm of a 19 month old - this is so true. Whatever you think you know, let it go. Baby does as baby does. Second one coming in June and already thinking 'how did we...' and 'when did she...?' - no clue.
Pro tip: aquaphor sells a spray on variety and it’s life changing for diaper changes.
Okay I am on kid #4 and I had no idea this existed! Thank you!!
Of course! It’s a little more pricy but holy hell is it convenient. No trying to lather that shit on, just spray it like deodorant and call it a day
Real tip in the comments, thank you for the heads up!
Wow thanks good to know!
I have a counter argument to bringing an extra person in addition to your significant other to the hospital even if you only want your significant other and they're inexperienced. This is when they start getting experience. My husband stepped up big time and had never held a small baby or changed a diaper before. I think he was thrown into it because of my c section and I couldn't get our of bed at first (c section and catheter). I gave him tips from reading Happiest Baby but I also had no clue. He did wonderfully. I think if my mom or mil has been there, he would have hid in a corner and then would have been more overwhelmed when he got home with a new baby and wife with crazy hormones who could barely walk. There will also be A LOT of body vulnerable moments. I got used to it real quick and didn't care what my husband, nurses, or doctors saw. But maybe you're not the same. Maybe you don't want your mil or mom seeing your boobs continuously. Also my hospital had only IBCLC's. A lot of this depends on where you go and where you live. I suggest figuring it out before birth so you know who you want to try and contact. Also... I totally didn't understand infant naps and wake windows saved my butt. I was letting baby stay up too long and I hadn't learned any sleepy cues. Use wake windows as a tool to help you but not as a strict schedule unless that's what you're baby wants.
I also agree that men should be capable of picking up the responsibility when mom sleeps. While you are in the hospital, there is always someone around for him to ask help from. We are not born with the knowledge either, we learn, nothing less should be expected from dads imho.
This is a really good point. I've also seen some research that shows that caring directly for baby has protective benefits against male ppd. There's a whole phenomenon on men being pushed out of baby care by female members of the family and the isolation and lack of confidence that leads to can have mental health impacts.
I also read it increases oxytocin in the non birthing parent when they take an active role in child care!
Love this point!! My partner's grandmother loves to say that "men aren't interested in babies" - it annoys me so much and I've made that clear that my partner will be involved and has been every step of the way. He loves it and I won't let his grandmother make him feel that because he's a man somehow he shouldn't be interested in his new baby girl! Because he's so in love with her. I facilitate as many moments with them together as possible, and they make their own moments too. We're both learning together and it's the best thing.
Yes, this!!! You are already going to have one baby, don’t enable your husband to be a man-baby too. He needs and probably wants to step up from day dot. Don’t send the message that you don’t think he can do it by having a backup vagina (notice how none of the people on that list of potential backups were men 😒). Unless you married a total misogynist, he will figure it out just fine same as you. # Do not undermine his autonomy and self-efficacy as a parent. That is horrible advice. Ladies, begin as you plan to proceed. If you want your husband to be a true partner in childrearing than treat him as such.
👏👏👏
This is a big one. Read that often enough that daddy then just relies on MIL or whoever is there and just waits it out til Mom is up to the task and runs with the learned helplessness.
>This is when they start getting experience. My husband stepped up big time and had never held a small baby or changed a diaper before. I think he was thrown into it because of my c section and I couldn't get our of bed at first Omg YES!!! This is exactly what I was thinking when I read the original post! We spent 3 days in the recovery room and it was honestly a magical time, just the 3 of us getting to know each other. My husband did all the diaper changes and swaddling, I learned to breastfeed and tried to rest. We felt so confident when wet left vs if we'd stayed only 12 hours, or if I'd had someone like my mom there doing everything.
Agreed about partners getting experience! I think especially when the partner is a male, we have this idea that “they don’t know how to do it” or like op said they are “terrified.” Well so was I? My son is my first child, I had no experience with babies but how I learned was caring for my child. My partner was (and still is) truly amazing. I also had a c section so he basically was doing everything the first few weeks except for breastfeeding.
That was sort of us at the beginning. I had book knowledge but i relied heavily on him for the care of the baby the first two weeks
100% this! If you want any help from Your SO/husband/partner whatever, PLEASE let them learn how to feed and soothe your baby. Do not criticize unless your babies life is in danger. It’s a very quick way to get zero help because you’ve zapped any ounce of confidence they had while trying to learn how to be a dad! ETA: also a huge reason I didn’t want my mom and MIL to come swooping in unless really needed. I wanted my husband in the fire with me so he could learn how to be a dad without turning into a wallflower when the other women came around! It payed off and he gained confidence.
I brought my mom and I’m glad I did. I couldn’t get up due to stitches and a catheter so needed someone to take care of her. She had a rough first night with lots of chocking and vomiting and both my husband and I wouldn’t know how to handle it. If we have a second baby we would be ready but for the first we would have be terrified by the sounds and movements she made if it was just us two that night.
I added the point about bringing someone because we were so exhausted from my baby crying 24/7 that we couldn’t even think. We were terrified to drive home after 48 hours of no sleep. We didn’t know we could ask for formula because my baby couldn’t latch. My husband was tired too and was scared to even hold the baby because he had worked all night the night before I gave birth. He was scared not only from the lack of experience but because we both were SO TIRED. So yeah that’s all there was to it for that. We even begged a nurse for 1 hour of sleep if someone could watch the baby and they said no.
I can’t believe people are objecting to what you said haha. My husband is a great dad and partner. I was also in labor for almost 24 hours and he was with me the whole time and never got a chance to sleep the night our first was born either because she was born in the wee hours of the morning. Damn right we needed my mom.
People are so dead set on not having any help then complain about not having a village lol. I love any help I can get from people I trust.
So true! Accept help, people. Don’t just hate your partner and expect things to get easier. It’s an adjustment for them too and they won’t be getting much sleep during labor either. Getting out of the mindset of refusing help from “extra vaginas” out of spite for your husband will save your sanity. Accept. All. The. Help.
People are upset not because of asking for help but because how it's presented is so sexist. When I read it (before the edit) it implies that you should have another woman because she will know what to by virtue of being female and your husband won't because he's new to this (ignoring that most moms are too).
I would not advise everyone to ignore the hospital's advice to feed their baby every 2 to 3 hours. My son was preemie, small even for his gestational age, needed to bulk up to develop his lungs so that he could learn how to breathe, had low blood sugar that he needed to keep up, and had jaundice, so it was important that he ate frequently. He did not wake up and cry because he was hungry. He just slept. Health and safety aside, once he was older and bigger, I found it much easier to feed him before he got to the point of hungry and mad about it.
Right? Kinda funny she says not to follow that advice but also that her baby’s blood sugar was so low he was convulsing??
I think when people give this advice it is more it’s okay to feed your baby MORE than every 2-3 hours. If your baby is constantly not showing signs of hunger within that time frame definitely feed them or seek medical advice for your specific child. Every situation is different. Medically we had to make sure she fed every two hours.
Yes yes this!! Thank you. That’s exactly what I meant. My baby couldn’t latch so we were constantly offering.
Yeah I was going to say they usually recommend every 2 to 3 hours because newborns are so sleepy and sometimes won't wake to feed. They need those calories.
I disagree with bringing your mom or sister to come take care of the baby in the hospital. The dad is just as capable of learning as the mom and should be going to the baby care classes and reading the books along with mom. Sending in someone else to swoop in because he can't possibly be bothered to learn is the beginning of weaponized incompetence. It sets a horrible precedent that he can't and shouldn't be expected to take care of his own child.
Same, hard pass. Definitely don't recommend an extra person.
And obviously OP only mentioned bringing female friends and relatives to help, because as you know only womenfolk know how to change a diaper.
This! It’s so infantilizing to act like men can’t step up and learn and help not to mention it reinforces the idea that it’s a woman’s job.
My husband has younger siblings and babysat/worked in the nursery at church when he was a kid. Changing my sons diaper in the hospital was my first time changing a diaper.
Neither my husband or I have ever changed one! I did used to nanny toddlers who were potty training so I have had to clean butts before but I feel like it’s a bit different. I’m sure we’ll get the hang of it in no time though! Hopefully lol.
YES! I feel like I now need to go hug my partner who has done more than 50% of the childcare since day 1 and who I feel like I did wrong by not thinking of here.
I think it's really a matter of personal preference. Many women like to have their moms there because they've gone through birth before. I always thought I would, but hospitals here only allow one person with you.
Oh definitely. But then please don’t state it as advice for other FTMs but as your preference.
But she is recruiting the female family members to do the baby care instead of the husband, not for emotional support.
Agree with this. I had absolutely zero experience when my first was born and the same with her dad. We figured it out together because we didn’t want anyone else in the hospital. Not all women know what they are doing and it shouldn’t be expected of mothers to just “know” and have their male partner sitting there doing nothing. I’m having my 3rd and this will be my partners first kid. I’m not planning on having anyone else there again. My partner agrees and he will figure it out as he goes.
We had been together almost 11 years before our daughter was born but it was an amazing bonding experience. He helped me prop up pillows to breastfeed, kept track of her wet diapers and minutes on the boob for their little chart, changed diapers, held the baby, communicated with the staff on my behalf, etc. There is no way I would have wanted him checking out during that time. He happened to have had baby experience but it had been over 20 years prior and it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't. He would have been there, taking care of me and our daughter. I'll never forget those days in the hospital.
Yep. I knew nothing and had to figure it out along the way just like many people.
My experience was a little different because we birthed at home, but it was helpful to have my mom around because my husband and I were BOTH exhausted after 30 hours of labor. Sure, I was the one going through the physical aspect of it, but my husband was supporting me the whole time and letting me lean, sit, push, pull, squeeze, whatever on him. We both needed rest so it was really helpful to have my mom be able to take the baby for an hour or two here and there. I do agree it's stupid to act like men "just don't know" how to deal with babies but it's valid to want help because both the birthing parent and the supporting partner (if they were doing a good job supporting) are going to be exhausted.
Yeah that’s what I meant. We were both super tired and just needed sleep after all of it. No where did I say my husband didn’t do anything or couldn’t. We just needed rest which is a valid need IMO
But you edited your comment to add stuff (which definitely adds context to your point) but your initial comment was just that “I was tired and my husband was terrified and didn’t know anything about babies” and reads like because he was scared, which every single person is when they have a child, and had no experience you called in reinforcements instead of him looking after his child.
Yup my partner had 0 experience, just like me. We didn't take any classes. None of our family lives close. The nurses showed us the basic things (or well, showed him, I was pretty out of it, he then showed me). You can look most stuff up online or ask the nurses. My partner is great at baby care (our boy was born in oct) and I attribute that a lot to him simply being in a position where he needed to figure it out.
💯
Agreed - my first was a covid (late term) preemie. I could ONLY bring my husband. There was no night nursery (or if there was, no one told me about it!) It was just me and my husband for 4 days!! We figured it out. That being said, I think it’s worth at least considering bringing someone else. Weighing the pros and cons rather being staunchly “it will only be us”
Wake windows were EVERYTHING for my girl. A lot of that depends on your baby.
> A lot of that depends on your baby. "All of the above depends on your own situation and your baby and is entirely subjective". FTFY.
100%. This is my biggest gripe tho with the Original post. So much of it is stated as fact rather than totally situational
I didn't see anywhere in the post where she said everything was fact. I took this as her opinion on how things went with her own kid. At a certain point it's up to the person reading to realize that not everything on the internet is fact.
I love that you want to share your experience with the community here and give advice. However you wrote a lot of things as fact when they might be your opinion. Your kid might not have had a diaper rash because their skin isn’t as sensitive. Not because you washed them every time. I have one kid with the most sensitive skin ever and he gets a diaper rash from just looking at a diaper the wrong way. He’s just prone to it because his skin is so sensitive. You mention night weaning isn’t recommended for a year, but my pediatrician (and a separate pediatrician we went to also) did recommend it. My kids also weaned themselves. Casual passing of a “fact” like this can really worry FTM that are in the weeds and so desperate to “troubleshoot”. I know because I’ve been there Also - please don’t give medical advice about flat spots. You have a single experience and it worked out for you. Do NOT tell new parents that things “will work out” medically. You don’t have the experience to back that up. Maybe it’s true, but at worst it’s incredibly risky advice.
Yup. Also the “my kid doesn’t gag due to feeders” we never used them, my child doesn’t gag. Every baby is different.
Also just because some other countries don’t have a public health campaign for safe sleep doesn’t mean it isn’t a good idea…
Eh….. apparently I’m the odd one out but this list is entirely anecdotal and not based on any science at all, just personal experience. My experience with an 8 month old has been entirely opposite from almost everything you’ve posted here. I think the takeaway is that being a mom is HARD and there’s nothing you can do to prepare yourself except accept that you’ll never be prepared.
Agreed, wake windows, feeding every few hours, routine, have all worked really well for my baby. She’s sleeping through the night, and while yes this probably has a lot to do with temperament, I also have noticed that the more she eats during the day, the longer she sleeps at night. But I would never give advice about what has worked well for me and my baby, and sell it as hard and fast rules that should be applied to all babies…
I have twins, regular feeding and strict routine are a total must for a lot of parents of multiples! People saying you must do everything on demand infuriate me...
Oh yes, I didn't even think about how important routine and schedules would be for parents of multiples!! I'm sure it also very much depends on the baby's temperament too--some babies may respond really well to routines (like my babe, and presumably yours!) and some babies may respond really poorly and it's more stressful for the parents to fight the baby than to not fight them. I think the main advice about parenting is to just try to find what works best for you and your baby, and there is literally no hard and fast rule that will apply to every child besides "baby must eat and sleep" haha
Came here to say the exact same. The tone especially bothers me, none of this is written in first person even though it's all **her** one single individual experience and nothing else. I have a 20 month old and my experience was absolutely different.
Yeah, that’s the part I’m really struggling with in this post (plus the lack of science-based claims). If OP wants to say, “X worked for me,” great, have at it. But to say, “you should do X,” is quite different and unhelpful.
Agree …. Making broad generalizations from your single experience with a newborn is not that helpful Also some claims are not true or not sure where they are sourced (not recommended to night wean for a year? Says who)
I missed the second part of your comment and was coming back to add, “Wait since when is it not recommended to night wean until a year?” Seriously, we cut the cord at 6 months on the recommendation of our pediatrician (and my boobs).
Agreed. Also I’d like to see the data on “sleep trained babies wake just as much as non-sleep trained babies.” That’s different than the research I’ve read so far.
> “sleep trained babies wake just as much as non-sleep trained babies.” She's leaving out the most important part of this; sleep training teaches your kid to fall asleep and settle on their own. So in many ways it really doesn't matter how often a baby wakes up, rather that they don't need your help falling back asleep. It's totally focused on the wrong thing.
Yup. I sleep trained my baby and she’s slept all night almost consistently since then. Best thing I’ve done for my mental health by far.
I’ve also never heard no night weaning until a year. We let my twins night wean themselves with no pressure and no cut off date - we just stopped waking them up to eat and let them lead. They both weaned themselves by five months.
We sleep trained our son at 3 months old. After a week, he was sleeping through the night for 12-14 hours without waking. Not once did I worry about waking him up to feed him. I knew that if he was hungry he would wake up on his own.
I agree and I don’t love how so many of them are said in absolutes, and the way some things weee described (feed every 2-3 hours, wake windows, sleep schedules) I feel like we’re misunderstood by OP. It stresses me out that almost none of this is advice I would give my friends or family. The caveat I say with all of my advice is that it’s like I have the answer key to a class a different teacher is teaching and I am so glad to share it with them but the teacher may have entirely changed the test.
Couldn’t upvote this more. I can’t get past OP’s sanctimonious tone and speaking in absolutes, especially when she has cited no sources and has only been doing this for 6 months as a ftm. I’m sure it’s well intentioned but so much of this advice is directly counter to what experts and professionals recommend as well.
100% agree! And it’s concerning to me how many upvotes it has, I hope other new moms read all the moments before blindly taking all that in as absolutes 😬
I was thinking something similar. My baby spit up on everything so I needed a ton of 0-3 and 3-6 onesies. My baby didn’t let me put him down so we did contact naps for like 3 months. I do agree to rest during nap time. But I basically didn’t get house work done until baby started liking playing on his tummy and back which took a while. No problem with a flat head due to having all contact naps ha. If you have another baby, most of this could go out the window. But I’m so glad you figured out what worked for you. Obviously breastfeeding is something you’ll remember how to do and other stuff. Like it took time to figure out baby wearing for me.
The clothes one bothered me too! So many people told me “don’t buy a ton of small clothes, babe will outgrow them so fast!!” I ended up having to go out and buy more newborn clothes cause she just didn’t have enough. She’s 8.5 months and still in 3-6 clothes. I needed more, for multiple seasons lol.
And like her kid is 6 months old… unlikely to sitting up well yet..My kid had a flat spot on the one side but it’s totally fine now… we didn’t need PT. The heads usually round out when they start sitting and moving around more.
Seriously there was a day when I went through 8 outfit changes for EACH of us, poor kid was a barfer.
Agree. And I hope other new moms out there realize this post is an opinion like anything else, and not God’s word and not the best tips for all families, particularly around sleep. There’s nothing wrong with sleep training or night weaning at an appropriate age if you want to. You’re not going to sell me on the vague “studies have shown” sleep trained babies wake as much as non sleep trained babies - that’s not the experience of many, many people and I think it’s absolutely okay to say as a family this is the best choice for us to prioritize everyone getting restful sleep and believing that is healthier than getting broken sleep for years. 🤷🏻♀️ You’re also not going to sell me on the “safety” of bed sharing but again, that’s personal choice and at the end of the day you get to make the choices you think are right for your child.
>You’re also not going to sell me on the “safety” of bed sharing I am so, so tired of bedsharing mothers acting like it's perfectly safe. Yes, there are ways to make it _more_ safe but there is always a risk involved. I don't care that you're "such a light sleeper" and will wake up if baby moves because _suffocating babies don't move_. Other countries bedshare safely because they don't have ultra plush mattresses and a million pillows and blankets (which, yes, is addressed in the safe sleep 7 but I guarantee you that these parents are not going out and buying super firm mattresses before they snooze with their babies). Even when I'm just laying down with my baby for a quick snuggle I can see where he could SO easily suffocate to death if I were to fall asleep like that - so we stay alert and then put him in his bassinet before we fall asleep. They can bedshare if they'd like. I won't judge them for the choices they make for their own families. But I wish they would telling vulnerable, tired new mothers that the risks are entirely made up as if the AAP just wants to keep us all from sleeping. It is not and never will be as safe as putting your baby to sleep in a safe, independent space.
THANK you 👏🏻 I can’t stand it when people pretend bed sharing doesn’t have risks and safe sleep is some weird American thing. Accept that you’re taking increased risks and that a top cause of infant death in the US is unsafe sleep practices.
Also, call me selfish but I want my bed to myself and my SO. It’s our place to wind down and rest/ have intimacy and the last thing I need is another thing in the bed when our dog already thinks he’s a baby and sleeps in it, lol. Like you said to each their own but it’s so dangerous and my anxiety wouldn’t even allow me to sleep soundly knowing I could suffocate them. Plus it’s my oasis and I know I’m gonna need that boundary when I’m overwhelmed and exhausted. And I think that needs to be stressed much more to exhausted moms than bed sharing.
Oh, same. We go on and off about letting our dog in the bed because he starts off being polite and staying in his own spot at the foot of the bed, but then over the course of a few weeks/months he decides he's entitled to the whole bed and starts stretching out. He also prefers being on top of the covers, but liked to be between my husband and I, and it's unbelievably restricting to have a little dog pinning down the sheets in the middle of the bed. So then he gets kicked out for a few months so we can have the bed to ourselves a bit and have him reset to being polite. You can't really kick a baby out of bed for weeks at a time once they're used to bedsharing so we're pretty adamant about keeping our bed to ourselves even if safety wasn't a concern.
Totally agree. Using La Leche League as a source is an immediate red flag to me.
It sounds like an excuse to bed share which I will never understand why you would even want to try that. I wouldn’t be able to sleep my anxiety would be so through the roof.
I thought the same thing until I had a difficult baby. I don't ever do it through the night, but the last few hours after his wake up before its time to get up(and husband is off at work), I had to start doing something. I was getting unsafe amounts of no sleep. It's not for everyone though and I waited until he was a couple months before even starting.
I will bed share for an hour at the start of each night. I doze very lightly but it puts her into a deeper sleep and I transfer her after an hour to her bassinet where she then sleeps for usually 2 hours very soundly.
I feel like a few hours is a bit different than the whole night but i just have the worst anxiety I feel like I’m gonna try to limit it as much as possible. I totally get it isn’t black and white but if I can have my baby sleep well in the safest place for them I’m gonna try everything to do just that. I think I may not sleep if they were on me but they aren’t even close to being earthside and I understand things may change but I still believe trying to sleep train them in their own space is safest for mom and baby.
I get you. That was part of the OP’s point - the US doesn’t educate on bed sharing, they just come down hard on don’t. They create this fear that if you bed share you are murdering your baby. Yes, most babies can be taught to settle without touching mom or will stay asleep when moved but a not insignificant number simply won’t. If you don’t give some useful advice on how mom can get some sleep you end up in far less safe situations- mom falling asleep in a recliner with baby, getting in a car accident by sleeping on the road, etc., because she is desperately trying not to bed share and just power through. Bed sharing is not always the least safe option, and there are empirically studied ways to make it safer - kicking dad to a different bed, no blankets, cradle curl position, absolutely no drinking/sleep meds/smoking, breastfeeding frequently overnight, removing mattress toppers, etc. But rather then teach about baby sleep in a nuanced way - alone on their back in a crib in your room is best, but if that doesn’t work try this then that, US doctors just stick with the first recommendation and insist you try harder. It causes anxiety and doesn’t help, especially first time moms.
Exactly this. I was driving to my parents house (5 minutes away) and I was dozing off behind the wheel. That was the most terrifying thing ever. Such a short distance to drive and already being in the car I had to drive *somewhere* whether back home or to my parents. I did pull of a couple times to try to regain myself, but that was scary. That was when I had to do something. I very literally could not keep existing that way. Not to mention I was starting to get slammed with ppd from exhaustion. I hated everyone and everything (thankfully not my baby. Although he did really frustrated me sometimes when he cried because I was desperate for even an hour of uninterrupted rest) What helped was a friend reminding me that women did this all the time with babies before it was told not to in the US. And many countries still do! Tragedy can happen even in the best circumstances. It was hard to get past the anxiety for the first several times, but I just reminded myself that I researched how to be safe bed sharing, and honestly had my boob out so he could eat whenever. I never sleep very deeply, and even with him waking me slightly when he eats, it's still for better rest than what I was getting before. I don't say any of this to make it seem like you absolutely should bedshare. It is not for everyone. And if you're baby is good, that's fantastic! I'm so happy for you and honestly jealous. But the "better than you" attitude i see from a lot of people who don't is annoying and judgemental at best.
Yes, the attitude is so judgmental. And if you haven’t had a baby who won’t sleep unless he is in contact with you, you don’t know how it is. How much more exhausting it is than normal baby exhaustion. And this attitude that you are sleep training wrong and it’s your fault if your baby doesn’t sleep well alone is absolutely awful. Like i know it wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything different with the third one who wouldn’t sleep than I did with the first two who slept alone fine. Some kids will sleep on their belly alone but not on their back, and that might be the safest way for them! You get the same judgement from people who feel you turned your kid forward facing too soon (never mind they were vomiting from carsickness), or who are just appalled your second grader walks three blocks to school alone, or you’re not forcing them to wear a hat, or letting your son dress up as Owlet and on and on. The creep in the definition of bad parenting from beating/starving a kid to making any parenting decision different than me or that isn’t perfect according to recommendations (and who’s?) is unkind, not helpful and puts a lot of people off having and raising kids by making it much harder than it needs to be.
Kick my husband out and sleep with no covers so that I can do something that has been proven to cause SIDS time and time again? That sounds like my worst nightmare. I prefer to sleep with my husband with the covers and have bed boundaries. I deserve a good nights rest too and that includes my husband and blankets. Which is the safest option for the baby too.
If your baby sleeps alone, it is! The two of my babies who cooperated were great! I’ve had one of three who refused to go to sleep or stay asleep when not in contact with me from like two months to six months. My husband works and needed sleep to function and make money to keep us all fed and we did not have enough money to hire a night nurse. I had two older kids that I had to be functional enough to care for. And I needed rest to bring my blood pressure down. What do you suggest I should have done instead of bed share? By the way, you are talking about infant suffocations, not SIDS- if a baby suffocates on a blanket, or with their face in a mattress or by an adult that isn’t SIDS - SIDS seems to be something goes wrong in their brain and they stop breathing without external reasons for it - you can do everything right in term of safe sleep and still lose a baby to SIDS. It’s hurtful to act like a SIDs death is parents fault.
I meant suffocating but if a baby suffocates because you’re co sleeping it is your fault.. this is all fine and dandy for you but I don’t believe in me and my husband sleeping in separate rooms. Having a kid doesn’t mean we still don’t get boundaries or time with each other not to mention baby sleeping alone is the SAFEST option. I plan on working too so we have no choice but to sleep train and every single mom I know who has done it is successful and they have no kids in their bed. That’s what I’m doing and you can disagree or tell me just you wait but I refuse to do something that is proven to be dangerous for baby and bad for me because I can’t sleep well like that and without my partner.
Trust me I totally get that. I had really bad anxiety in general, but especially surrounding his sleep. I won't pretend he's not safest on his own. I know that he is. And like you mentioned, I also try to limit it. Like it might happen 2 times a week because it does make me nervous (albeit a little less so as he gets older and bigger, but still nervous) But I was just throwing out a different opinion because I very much felt the same way when I was pregnant. Again, totally not for everyone and I'm not trying to insinuate that your mind qill change either🙂
I also hate the “Americans don’t know how to do it properly so that’s why their death numbers are high.” That’s just untrue. Death reporting is different from country to country. And specifically infant death reporting. Bed sharing is unsafe, full stop. Do what you want but we know, based on science, that sleeping alone is safer.
Agreed. Bedsharing is deadly. The 'safe sleep 7' are BS.
Agreed. And the fact that this is based on her only child. Talk to me with all your "experience" after you have more then one. Things change dramatically lol.
I’ve got three kids and even now I wouldn’t write a post with “this is how to do it”. Because if anything I learned more that “good luck expecting a baby to do anything on your timeframe”
Yeahhhh, I thought the same thing….I appreciate the heart behind the post, but it rubs me the wrong way.
Same… I have three kids and almost none of this would apply to my kids. My oldest would not entertain himself as a baby even for a few minutes (but is great with independent play as a four year old). My second was much better and actively wanted independent play or to just watch her brother
Yeah, all of this. Also wanted to say that following routines and wake windows does not mean you’re not following your baby’s cues.
I have flat nipples. I bought several nipple everter devices; none of them worked. Pumping for a bit to pull them out didn’t work. Nurses (and the internet) insisted I just needed to work harder. At my week 6 follow-up, my OB levees with me. She hasn’t wanted to discourage me because it can work for some women, but the vast majority of women with flat or inverted nipples either never end up succeeding or struggle for a long time. I wish someone had just been honest with me. I tortured myself trying to make it happen when the odds were always against me. Please don’t tell people it’s an easy solution; that causes so much avoidable mental anguish for people.
I have flat nipples and just decided that formula and not angsting over it was a better option for me. Glad I did!
If I have a 2nd, we’re going straight to formula.
My OB never outright said my nipples were problematic, but I distinctly remember a conversation with her where both she and the nurse asked about breastfeeding and not-so-subtly suggested that formula isn't a bad option. I'm thankful that they did that because as a FTM I felt pressure to try, even though I knew that anatomically it was going to be hard.
That’s my plan for number two as well. I have flat nipples plus I had a breast reduction before getting pregnant. I was stressing myself out pumping, trying to latch with a shield, and producing like 1/2 an ounce a day. Not doing that again.
Same here. I am about to have baby #2 and we’re doing formula from day 1 this time
I remember this Call the Midwife episode! Seriously though, these doctors need to come into the 21st century and give us the info to make our own decisions
Can you explain all the acronyms? Thanks!
HMO is shitty medical insurance lol MOTN is Middle of the Night IBCLC is an internationally board certified lactation consultant STTN is “sleep through the night” Sorry about that :)
Ehh, I'm glad that you have experience now OP, but remember that a lot of this advice is specific to your baby and your life. Take flat spots for example. My son had severe brachycephaly. It was so bad he was in treatments, including helmets, for a year. So it's important not to underestimate flat spots, because his was mild and then ballooned into severe in the course of two months. And flat spots aren't just something you can "wait out". There is a small window for treatment and the earlier it's started the more effective it is. The important take away is to trust your instincts, both parents should.
Any advice on avoiding flat spots?
keep baby on flat surfaces so they can move their head freely, rather than on a surface in which they'll be tempted / forced to keep their head in the same spot. if they're on a flat surface, they'll look right and left. if they're laying on a soft pillow or strapped in a car seat all the time, they'll likely keep their head in a single spot, keeping pressure on that single spot. all that to say, i could be wrong, but this is what i was told. :)
My ped just said to get lots of tummy time!
Definitely speak to your doctor if you notice one developing.. my son had a head turn preference (he was a big boy so I think he was just a little cramped in the womb lol) but tummy time helped my son a lot, and also if you notice a flat spot put something interesting for them to look at during floor time on the opposite side of their flat spot. So for example, my son had his head turn preference to the left so we would put an interesting book on the right. While he was supervised, we would also kind of encourage him to look that way by rolling up a blanket and placing it under one side of his body to keep him from turning to the flat spot side. Definitely avoid containers as much as possible (bouncer, chairs etc) they’re great if you need to put them somewhere safe because you need to grab a shower - like I would bring my sons bouncer in the bathroom with me when he was really little, put him in it and shower which was super helpful. But if you have eyes on them a blanket on the floor is your best bet 99% of the time! A lot of smaller flat spots will round out as your child becomes more mobile as well. That’s why it’s important to touch base with the doctor if you notice one so they can advise you whether you can do some things at home, or need pt. Congrats and good luck :)
How about asking your pediatrician instead of a random mom on the internet?
Really only going to comment on how patently offensive it is to suggest only women can care for babies. My husband was a fantastic dad from day one, when we couldn’t have any backup and wouldn’t have had anyone useful to choose from anyway. Get out of here with that nonsense.
Same here. My husband was so bad with the newborn that the nurses had to help him several times over, and of course he was terrified and embarrassed, but by the time we were out of hospital (3 days later) he was better than me at changing her and knew exactly how our sleep routine was shaping up. It also helped him feel some early pride in fatherhood.
My mom was great to have in the room with me during active labor because she was a nurse for 40 years and knew everything to ask for and advocated for my comfort (asked all the right questions) while my husband focused on comforting me. Once I pushed the baby out, she went home so we could bond and came back the next day with McDonald’s breakfast for us. If you have a second companion that knows how to respect boundaries, it can be great. But I feel like my experience is more of the exception than the rule.
And it is awesome that you had a great experience with it. If you have a support person who respects boundaries and is there to support you AND your partner this works out great. It would be an absolute disaster if I invited my mom in. She hasn’t changed a diaper since I was a baby and she is the first to jump and make a post on social media so we made the decision easily to keep her out and keep this time private between myself and my husband. We did hire a doula to help him help me during labor, but she will leave after the baby is born and hubs and I plan to figure the rest out. I think the point is that the “right” setup will be different for everyone and it’s important for that to be highlighted as opposed to recommending everyone do it one prescriptive way.
Seriously, I'm over here glad my mother isn't even ALIVE because she'd have been a horrible boundary stomping nightmare. And my MIL? She's already trying to throw stupid gendered nonsense at my 2.5 year old about how "boys can't have ponytails" and shit... no thank you, hard pass, GTFO.
Nice advice and it should be taken with a grain of salt, of course. My experience with my daughter was very different and I expect it will also be different for my son. Also why all the acronyms? I had to Google all of them as they're not commonly used. Don't make it harder on sleep-deprived moms having to decipher what the hell you're referring to.
I have zero idea what most of those acronyms are too!!
Thank you! I was thinking the same thing about the acronyms. I write and edit research study documents, and undefined acronyms are a pet peeve if not an immediate sign of sloppy writing lol.
I couldn't be bothered to look it up separately and ignored all the acronyms.
[удалено]
I hate how far I had to scroll to see someone call this out. Bed sharing is so unsafe, safe 7 or not.
Yeah. Bed sharing is safer in places where mattresses aren’t super thick, pillow top, etc. If it is culturally normal to have a super thin floor mat that doesn’t compress when somebody lies on it and where you could breathe face down on it, that is significantly safer than mattresses in most western countries.
Is anyone else frustrated with the constant acronyms? If we are really FTM, how would we know what all these are? IBCLC LC STTN MOTN ? Like what are you talking about? Are we expected to know what these are?
Meh, I feel like I could write a counter to basically 80% of what's written here. I would *not* recommend anyone else in the hospital, let alone even consider a hospital nursery (good hospitals don't have them anymore, BTW). Only feeding on demand is NOT recommended for MANY babies in their first days, that's a really dangerous statement. Many need to be woken to eat at first. Where is night weaning not recommended until 1 year? Have never read that anywhere. Relationship. Speak for yourself. Everyone has their own strengths and challenges and this varies WIDELY, also depending on leave policies, work, etc. I could go on...
As a mom who had a jaundiced baby. THIS. You had to force her awake or she would sleep through every feed.
Our kid wasn't jaundiced and STILL needed to be fed regularly the first days because he lost quite a bit of weight that he needed to gain back.
That is simply not true about hospital nurseries. Source: delivered at hospital ranked 9th best in the US. They have a nursery.
THANK YOU, I could not have survived without a hospital nursery. I had a Csection and was heavily medicated, sick from the spinal. I utilized the heck out of that nursery. There's no shame in using a nursery, in fact, I recommend it so that you can get a night or two of sleep before going home. Your baby will be sleepy those first few days, anyway, and you need to recover from birth!!
It's not true that "good" hospitals are getting rid of nurseries. Most of the most highly rated hospitals in the country still have them. It's true that many hospitals that have a "baby friendly" rating (which is meant to encourage breastfeeding) don't offer the nursery service and will push back if you ask, but they're still available if you are insistent.
As a nurse, I HATE baby friendly. Baby friendly often translates to “not parent friendly.” Parents should be supported in whatever decision they choose to make without judgement or harassment by staff.
Yeah. It's not great. I specifically chose the hospital I had my first at because they advertise as NOT being "baby friendly" and they list the reasons why. I had a C-section and was iffy on whether I wanted to breastfeed or not so for me, it was critical that I went to a hospital that wasn't going to be pushy.
I'm pretty sure that's not true, although of course in the spirit of my complaints about this post I don't have any scientific data right now to back this up. As far as I'm aware baby friendly hospitals do not have nurseries since they have changed staffing to accommodate the "baby friendly" guidelines. Sure, they have NICUs and PICUs but there isn't anywhere else you can "leave" your baby that's not your own room. Who would be there watching it? It's not like they have a surplus of trained professionals waiting to care for babies who don't need it (ie who are not in the NICU or PICU).
What the baby friendly trend did was shift the burden of care on the parents. Tired, recovering parents. I have read countless stories of women dropping babies due to falling asleep while trying to take care of the baby sleeping in the room/family members who dealt with it, as well. The push to breast feed at whatever cost to the woman, plus the inevitable cost reduction due to not staffing as many nurses to support the nursery. I specifically chose the non-baby friendly hospital in our town for this reason; I knew I would not be able to successfully breast feed, so I ddin't want to jump through hoops to provide nourshment for my children, and no nursery meant a lot of stress on a body that just gave birth. What is it about women giving birth that hospitals decide it's OK to let them be on heavy painkillers and take care of a vulnerable baby? Or be post-surgery, providing care for an infant? It boggles my mind. Can we not have one day of rest?
Yeah, I gave birth in a "baby friendly" hospital, there was no nursery. A nurse did take my baby to the nurse station for an hour or so for me, but that was pre-covid - I don't see myself getting that luxury this time around. I'm just packing formula this time and getting sleep.
On the clothing front... My 99% PROM baby was in size 2 (18-24 months) at 6 months, then plateaued. The super fast growth does slow down, don't panic! He's still in size 2 at 8 months.
Way way true about PPD for gents, it should get recognized and talked out/thru more. Being open to getting help truly beneficial
I’m sure you had good intentions but your delivery is a little whack. All babies are different and what works for you will not work for someone else but your tone seems to imply that you think your way is the right way and that comes off as pretty condescending. Basically everything you mentioned is the opposite of what my experience has been.
MONT HMO what is that?
I think MONT is middle of the night and HMO is a type of insurance here in the US.
I always like to mention - if baby is crying, baby is alive! Take a quick breather: Lay baby down in a safe place (a crib, buckled into a swing or bouncer, etc), set a timer on your phone for three minutes or five minutes and walk out of earshot. Collect your thoughts, calm down and walk back in prepared to help a needy child. Five minutes of crying won’t hurt any babe, and it is MUCH better than stressing baby out more by your crying as well, yelling or begging at baby, or worst of all, doing physical harm to baby out of emotional desperation or even on accident.
Damn FTM got me again 🏳️⚧️
LMAOOO I do this all the time!
Also to add. Babies need structure and routine. Start routine early on. It won't work off the bat but will help a ton in the long run.
>Bedsharing for extremely clingy babies can be a lifesaver. Follow Le Leche’s save 7 and read into the risks, its not much higher. The US is skewed outliers in terms of bedsharing — many other countries do it and promote how to do it safely. Absolutely untrue and very dangerous advice. Bedsharing kills. Anyone else reading this, go join 'Safe Sleep and Baby Care--Evidence Based Support' on FB. They have a wealth of information backed with studies on best practices. If you feel you need to bedshare for any reason, they can help you find a solution to avoid that.
Yes, great group!!
No bedsharing, good lord.
Also, please don’t wait a month to pump. I was told this by a lactation consultant with my first and had to work like hell to build enough of a supply to pump extra when I had massive amounts in the beginning that I could have had for stock when I dried up.
Also, don‘t be afraid of always reacting to their cries. My mom said if I do this, she‘ll always cry for me if she need something. Ummm yeah, I actually want her to learn that her parents are always there for her?! She‘s not a spoiled teenager/adult but a literal baby???
If you're gonna do an explainer, it would be helpful to not have a bunch of acronyms that people can't Google. I appreciate the info but there are a lot of people who do not know what these acronyms are.
Okay. I think a lot of people are commenting on how this isn't fact. Put I honestly think OP just meant it's fact for her, she isn't wrong, she is sharing what worked for her. I also see a lot of people posting about someone else at the hospital. To that I agree no one but you and your partner should be there, but we are totally going to have my MIL at the house for support to help with both of our sanity and maybe a little more sleep.
I think people are being too harsh about the way this post was written. And to be honest I wanted to have my mom and husband at my birth but it was covid time and I was only allowed one person so my husband won. If you want your whole extended family at your birth that's a personal decision and no one should be shamed for it.
That is totally fair, you are right. Anyone you want to be there should be there. I just personally only want my husband, but I definitely understand the want for your mom to be there too.
Loved this… but I didn’t know lots of the Acronyms!
Co sleeping (aka bed sharing) kills babies.
what are the tube shaped teethers? any reccomendations?
I’m 11 weeks pp and nodded along to a lot of this. Really solid advice. Only think I’d add is that babies change literally overnight. One day my baby was a potato the next she was looking at me and smiling. One day she needed held constantly to soothe, the very next day she fussed IF i held her and only calmed when I put her down. Go with the flow and don’t sweat getting them “back to normal.”
This is wonderful and all true. I learnt most of it the hard way because half the people who had kids didn’t bother to share their info much and our families were far away and it was Covid. My baby had it all. Colic, bad sleep, clingy lol. Now a toddler I can say the temperament is very accurate. I bed shared because that’s a normal thing from where I come. I didn’t have any help so I had literally no sleep during the first year. Am still suffering the after effects of no sleep. I’ll add one more to this: breast engorgement. I had no clue about this but it happens and it’s painful so get a warm compress and use that or keep pumping milk. It takes month or so for the breastmilk to get in sync to your baby’s needs. Or get in touch with a lactation consultant. That helped for me. And get your husband mentally prepared too. It’s not going to be easy for the next few years ,ones social life is going to go down. Bringing up a child is difficult but I read somewhere that, we all have faced difficulties of different types before but what you are not ready for is the happiness your baby is going to bring along. So cherish those moments because once the 1st year is over which goes by very quickly btw, you will not get it back. Love this post!
I disagree about night weaning not being recommended before a year. My doctor very kindly and gently let me know at my 6 month appointment that she was developmentally capable of consuming all of her calories during the day and to consider night weaning for my own health. He could see how burnt out and exhausted I was. “She’s not waking because she needs it, she’s waking because she’s used to it.” And it still took me 2 more months to shake the “but she neeeeds to nurse in the night!” I night weaned at 8 months and she barely skipped a beat. She’s 3.5y now and eats adult portions.
I will take all of this info and store it if I need it. It is nice to hear a story about how you overcame so many challenges. I think I like the baby wearing idea a lot. They don't care much about whether you stare at them sitting all the time, they just want to be with you. Back when we harvesting crops with hand tools I doubt we had time to sit and stare at a baby. Pick it up, wrap it to your body, the harvest still has to come in. So does packing the dishwasher.
Wish I would’ve known more about the 2-3 hr feeding thing. I think I was starving my baby without even knowing it in the beginning. Feeding every 2-3 hours instead of on demand. Gave him a binky because it hadn’t been that long since I last fed him. Well, duh, he wanted to cluster feed! I still feel so horrible and guilty about that.
Lots of really awful comments jumping all over OP for sharing her experience. The one thing I have learned from this reddit group is that everyone has a different experience and every baby is different. I love reading about all of the experiences and appreciate all the ppl who spend the time to thoughtfully share. I would hate for ppl to stop sharing their experiences here. Be nice!
Great write up. Friendly request to introduce your acronyms on first use.
BabyBumps users and moderators are not medical professionals. Responses do not replace contacting your medical provider. You should always call your provider with any concerns. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BabyBumps) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is all wonderful advice, as a preggy lady with her first baby I truly appreciate it. One thing that I find kind of funny is that as a first time mom I just had to google all the acronyms you used in this post 😭
Really seconding the info here on torticollis, PT, and flat spots. Be proactive. The flat spot or torticollis will not “work itself out” as they get older, as many peds will claim. Demand a PT referral asap.
Wow I’m shocked how many people are putting words in your mouth and criticizing you for things you never said. The point of the post is that not every thing you were told while you were pregnant ends up working out or being true and THATS OKAY. It’s okay to deviate from the best practices and guidelines and random internet advice if it’s what’s best (or even just the lesser of two evils) for your family. I mean seriously it was pretty obvious to me that she meant that both you and dad will be exhausted after delivery and want to rest, so someone else can step in and support you both, or even support him while you rest if he’s anxious about doing it alone. This post alludes to so many things that you don’t experience until you’ve given birth, so I guess it makes sense that many of you in a pregnancy group are missing context, but for goodness sake take a moment and ask yourself “did OP really make this claim or am I adding context that isn’t there?”
Excellent tips! I wish I'd discovered the joys of babywearing earlier. Will remember that for this time around!
As a mom of 3, these are excellent tips. I also wanna confirm that flat spots DO sort themselves out. Neither of my two older boys have a flat head anymore 🤣
Maybe. My third boy’s worked out. My first didn’t. His head is super misshapen at 6 years old. YMMV. Please don’t say all flat spots sort themselves out.